Any good jokes ... ?

[twentysix by twentyfive]

I think you've been cooped up for too long..

That's lockdown for you.........

 

[ClichéGuevara]

I saw Jack Grealish on some fishing programme the other night and he told the presenter he once caught a whale in one of the canals in Birmingham. When they asked him what he did with it he said it threw it back in because the spokes were all bent.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

 

[Chris S]

 

[PaulB]

I saw that Mark Knopler begging last night. He must be in dire straits.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[PeteXXX]

I saw that Mark Knopler begging last night. He must be in dire straits.

He should form a band with Chris Rea and call it Diarea..

 

[PeteXXX]

 

[Dayvo]

 

[Dirk]

Bloke next door to me asked if I minded him having a tattoo.

"Of course not" I said.

Now all we get is bloody bagpipes and drums every evening.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy November night past a graveyard, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the road toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER..

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP......

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP....

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops.








Oh, my coat? How kind.

 

[betty swollocks]

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.....

 

[Dave7]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy November night past a graveyard, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the road toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER..

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP......

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP....

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops.








Oh, my coat? How kind.

Its not the coughing that carries you off its the coffin they carry you off in.

 

[mistyoptic]

My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to Spinal Column.

I said
"Can I call you back?"

 

[Cavalol]

Reading between the lines, I think I've figured out why I can't finish a book without getting hit by a train.