Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

I had my leg X-rayed at my BUPA health check today - the doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'. I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高'

 

[Speicher]

You were quick, it was Only Yesterday I posted that.

We've only just begun.

 

[Cavalol]

Weathermen who are not vegetarian: are they meateaterologists?

 

[colly]

Just how hot IS that tea ?

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic.. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss .

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... An Arse Hole is usually in charge

 

[Arjimlad]

I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.

She said nothing compares to yew.

 

[Beebo]

I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.

She said nothing compares to yew.

It’s been 7 hours and 15 days since I last heard that joke.

 

[Arjimlad]

It’s been 7 hours and 15 days since I last heard that joke.

7 owls and 15 jays in the yew forest !

 

[Toshiba Boy]

 

[Toshiba Boy]

 

[Bazzer]

I guess the only way separate households are going to be able to do Christmas this year, is to kill the turkey and have 30 round for the funeral.

 

[Chris S]

View attachment 548728

One of my mother's friends had a cat that matched her living room carpet. You had to be careful or you would step on it.

 

[screenman]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

 

[Dayvo]

 

[betty swollocks]

While out cycling yesterday, I got bitten by a Rottweiler.
I'm ok though, the teeth marks aren't that deep.
A friend remarked it might have been a small child.
I'm not so sure. I think I could've fought off one of them