Any good jokes ... ?

[strofiwimple]

My mate told me he's thinking of divorcing his wife cos she hasn't spoken to him for 6 months.
I told him to think it over very carefully cos women like that are very hard to come by.

 

[strofiwimple]

Personal ad.
"Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful blonde with big tits, long legs and a shaven....
Oh feck, it doesn't matter now!

 

[machew]

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess

 

[PaulB]

Chinaman who lives near me died last week but no-one went to his funeral. Absolutely unbereaveable.

 

[loadz]

My gay mate ( not you another one) who is dyslexic can not wait for Febuary 14th he thinks it is vaseline day

 

[PBancroft]

Eventually all marriages become same sex marriages.

 

[PBancroft]

There's no easy way to say this, but red lorry yellow lorry.

 

[loadz]

I got caught pissing in the swimming pool today.
The life guard shouted so loud I almost fell in !

 

[Maz]

pee agin' t'suite ..............

Ah, my problem was that I'd never heard of Grieg Peer Gynt before.

 

[col]

A little dyslexic boy was out with his mum. "mum can I have a macdonalds?" He said." Tell you what" His mum said "if you can spell macdonalds I will get you a happy meal". After a few minutes of intense thinking he shouts " fark it, Ill have a KCF.

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
The rest, as they say, is history...

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation.He decided to ask him one more time.. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

A man was riding his motorbike along a California beach when suddenly in a booming voice God said, ' because you've been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you 1 wish!'
'Build me a bridge to Hawaii' said the biker.
God replied ' Its an enormous undertaking to build over an ocean, it would use up all the steel and concrete in the world, I can do it, but its hard to justify. Is there anything else you can think of that i can do to help mankind?'
The man thought for a second, then said, 'I wish all men could understand women. I want to know what she is thinking when I get the silent treatment. What she means when she says nothing's wrong & how I can make her truly happy?!'
God replies 'You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?'

 

[Cubist]

A missionary suddenly finds himself surrounded by cannibals. He looks around and shouts "Oh God, am I in the shoot!"

A voice booms from the heavens: "My son, you may not yet be in the shoot. Take up the rock that is by thy foot, and with it cleave the head of the man that stands before thee in the headdress of the tribal chief."

Astounded at this apparent miracle the missionary picks up the rock and smashes it over the chief's head. The tribe gasps and take a step forward and the voice booms once again from the heavens.

"Now you're in the shoot.".

 

[Cubist]

A bloke rings the ambulance and tells them that his wife's water's have broken, she's having contractions three minutes apart and needs an ambulance straight away.
The operator asks for the address and he tells her it's Yew Tree Rise.

"Can you spell that for me please?"
"Yes it's err, Y. O. U., no no it's erm E.W.E, no hang on it's Y. ahh f*ck it, I'll drag her round the corner to Oak Close. "