Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Fab Foodie
hanging-on in quiet desperation ...
- Location
- Kirton, Devon.
Jeremy Corbyn for PM....
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mike Ayling
Veteran
- Location
- Melbourne Downunda
CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2019
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 18th, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make
a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 25th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 28th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 15th begins the Muslim holy
month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. And what is LGBTI?
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people
with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 30th October 2019
RE: The F….. Holiday Party.
Vegetarians…
I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f,,,,,,
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 31th October 2019
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of
the 18th December off with full pay.
John Benson.
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2019
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 18th, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make
a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 25th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 28th October 2019
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 15th begins the Muslim holy
month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. And what is LGBTI?
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people
with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 30th October 2019
RE: The F….. Holiday Party.
Vegetarians…
I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f,,,,,,
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 31th October 2019
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of
the 18th December off with full pay.
John Benson.
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
I ran out of toilet paper this morning and had to do that trousers halfway down my legs waddle to get some more.
I'm nearly at Sainsbury's now.
I'm nearly at Sainsbury's now.
betty swollocks
large member
roadrash
cycle chatterer
- Location
- sitting on the edge of wigan pier
Great to see Mary on Keyboard and Joseph on vocals, on this year’s Christmas Stamp
betty swollocks
large member
PaulSB
Squire
- Location
- Chorley, Lancashire
Brilliant. Genuine Lol.
betty swollocks
large member
GM
Legendary Member
- Location
- North of the river
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a doctor!
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a doctor!
