Any good jokes ... ?

[EltonFrog]

I rubbed baked beans into my eyes. I now know it wasn't a smart thing to do, with the benefit of heinzsight.

That there is comic genius.

 

[PaulB]

They say criminals always return to the scene of a crime. Which is probably why we've got so many Australians over here.

 

[Dayvo]

Friend: You call yourself a cyclist!
Me: Yes, I'm actually a confident cyclist.
Friend: But you just fell off your bike!!!
Me: Yes, but with confidence, though.

 

[Venod]

I was at the swimming pool the other day, I needed a piss so I thought I would have a sneaky one in the deep end.
The life guard must have seen me, he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

 

[PaulB]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and t he scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits..

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

 

[flake99please]

Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else...!!!

 

[ufkacbln]

No, pilots are useful.

Old Naval joke....

What is the difference between an aircraft engine and a pilot

The engine stops whining when it lands

 

[ufkacbln]

These (or various versions) are attributed to all the Services, and some civilian airlines. The idea is they are reported faults, and the remedy

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Left inside main tire almost replaced.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what friction locks are for.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (pilot lingo meaning one of the engines was not running smoothly)
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[raleighnut]

These (or various versions) are attributed to all the Services, and some civilian airlines. The idea is they are reported faults, and the remedy

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Left inside main tire almost replaced.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what friction locks are for.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (pilot lingo meaning one of the engines was not running smoothly)
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

View: https://youtu.be/hhDwz2bmey0

 

[Tenacious Sloth]

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from No.2 engine.
Solution: No.2 engine run for 4 hours. Noise now familiar.

 

[Vantage]

This will you in hysterics. Especially point 1.10 on page 7.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploa...03527/cycling-walking-investment-strategy.pdf

 

[ufkacbln]

Not funny at the time, but looking back...

We were organising the annual air day, and one of my tasks was liaising medical cover.

We wanted a set of announcements that would alert those who needed to know without worrying the public

There was an agreement to use "DownBird" with numbers reflecting the incident. One would be off site with no civilian casualties, Two off site with civilian casualties etc

Sorted it with all the emergency services.

Then the week before the programme was published and onto back page was a section "Messages you might want listen for", and listed all the DownBird codes that we did not want the public to know!!

 

[morrisman]

Did you hear about the bonsai tree farmer who was so successful that he had to move to smaller premises...

He formally ran an origami shop but that folded.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

If you think dogs can't count, put 3 biscuits in your pocket then only give him 2.

 

[Maverick Goose]

How many chefs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sorry, there'll be at least a 45 minute wait on that...