Any good jokes ... ?

[Brains]

I'm on a diet, a seafood diet.

If I see food I eat it.

 

[Hover Fly]

A yorkshireman goes to the vet.
He goes into the surgery, "I've coom 'baht me cat, it keeps spraying piss all ovver"
Vet says, "Is it a tom?"
Tyke says, "Nah! It's in this box tha daft bugger!"

 

[Iain p]

A man was rushed into hospital today after a bizarre sex game had gone wrong,they were shocked to find seven toy horses in his arse, doctors have described the mans condition as "stable"

 

[Angelfishsolo]

Janet Street Porter and Esther Rantzen walk into a restaraunt and say "Can we have a large aperitif?" The waiter says "I'm pretty sure not."

 

[martint235]

A man was rushed into hospital today after a bizarre sex game had gone wrong,they were shocked to find seven toy horses in his arse, doctors have described the mans condition as "stable"

I kid you not, on Emmerdale Farm (as it was then) a woman was run over by a horse transporter and they had some poor soul in the hospital ask how she was to be told that she was in "a stable condition"

 

[Rapples]

I took my dog to the Vets and he said, "I'm going to have to put your dog down"

I replied, " Why? I didn't realise he was that ill"

The Vet said, "He's not ill, he's just really heavy"

 

[Cubist]

A woman goes up to the bar and orders a double entendre.

The barman gave her one.




I was asked to choose a password with at least eight characters and one number, so I chose Snow White and the 7 Dwarves.

 

[Cubist]

What do you call a sarcastic Cowboy from Barnsley?
Tex Piss

 

[Rhythm Thief]

A yorkshireman goes to the vet.
He goes into the surgery, "I've coom 'baht me cat, it keeps spraying piss all ovver"
Vet says, "Is it a tom?"
Tyke says, "Nah! It's in this box tha daft bugger!"

Very good.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

A Yorkshireman is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, has a beer and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders his beer but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.

‘ Leeds ’ he tells her.

‘So am I, what suburb?’ She enquires.

‘Headingley’ he replies.

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’

‘ Boycott Street ’ he replies.

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’

‘Number 20’ he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’

‘Aye, I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’

 

[2PedalsTez]

Bloke buys a scouse parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from liverpool." and "I'm hard as ****." so he puts a kestrel in its cage.
Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead, and the parrot says, "I'm from liverpool and I'm hard as ****." So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.
Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage, the parrot says, "Had to take me coat off for that ****er."

 

[BSRU]

A mate of mine opened a jet wash recently, unfortunately it closed after a couple of weeks as they had nowhere to land.

 

[Oxo]

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick andPaddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said,'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll himover.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two peanuts.'

'What? He had two peanuts?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two peanuts.'

 

[007fair]

Janet Street Porter and Esther Rantzen walk into a restaraunt and say "Can we have a large aperitif?" The waiter says "I'm pretty sure not."

I liked that one!

woman goes to the gyno for a check up
Doc takes a look and says ' you may have a problem with your aviaries'
Woman ' you mean ovaries?'
Doc 'No I mean Aviaries Theres been a cockatoo up there'

 

[captain nemo1701]

Once heard a version of this by Billy Connolly:

A bloke murders his wife and when questioned by detectives, shows them the body buried in the garden but with her bum sticking out of the ground.

Detective: Why did you leave her bum sticking out of the ground?.

Man: Oh, I needed somewhere to park my bike