Any good jokes ... ?

[threebikesmcginty]

What's round, sad and lives in the boot of your car?

Despair tyre

 

[ArDee]

Not a joke really so perhaps I should have put this somewhere else; but, the clarity of ancient Chinese philosophy - The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

 

[threebikesmcginty]

What's purple and cries for help from the hedgerow?

A damson in distress

 

[Scoosh]

Not a joke really so perhaps I should have put this somewhere else; but, the clarity of ancient Chinese philosophy - The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

He probably also said: Read more, young man

 

[Hitchington]

You can tell the sex of an ant by
dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.

 

[Archie_tect]

Last month I lent a friend £2500 for his plastic surgery operation.... the trouble is now I can't recognise him to get my money back.

 

[Archie_tect]

In the deep end of the Heaton baths in Newcastle, a teenage lad started chatting to a girl instead of swimming. The pool attendant called him over, "Were you flirting?" he asked suspiciously. 'No," blushed the lad, " I had my foot on the bottom, but don't tell anyone."

 

[AndyRM]

In the deep end of the Heaton baths in Newcastle, a teenage lad started chatting to a girl instead of swimming. The pool attendant called him over, "Were you flirting?" he asked suspiciously. 'No," blushed the lad, " I had my foot on the bottom, but don't tell anyone."

Ashington, Shirley?

Where's Warsaw?
In wor shed.

 

[Andy_R]

Woman walks into a hairdressers in Ashington.

"I'd like a perm" she says.

"Ah wandered lonley as a clood" replies the hairdresser

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

If I'm not mistaken, Tippex is pretty useless

 

[AndyRM]

An electrician walks into a pub in Ashington to fix a wiring problem.

He asks the batman,

"Where's the mains?"

"Just next to the ladies mate."

Was the reply.

 

[Andy_R]

"Ferns"
English noun: A gathering of leafy forest plants
Ashington noun: A character from Happy Days.

 

[vernon]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

 

[TVC]

The lorry driver from Ashington was delivering a load of terrapins to the Newcastle branch of Pets at Home when he lost control of his vehicle on the Tyne Bridge, spilling his cargo into the river below. From his point of view it was a turtle disaster.

<takes bow>
I thank you.

 

[AndyRM]

Chap went to an optician in Ashington and was asked,

"Can you see that board?"

"Board?" The chap asks, "I can't even see a cage!"