Any good jokes ... ?

[Leedsbusdriver]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

​

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[colly]

Two old ladies talking about their times as young newly weds. One says:

'' Oh it was so nice I loved his c**k. It was so good I wished I could eat it. After 12 kids I wish I bloody well had''

 

[Smokin Joe]

My wife called me a selfish bastard because I didn't open the car door for her.

I was swimming for my life at the time.

 

[loadz]

Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match!!!!!!!!!!

Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee
Howard Webb from Man Utd's starting 12 for the crucial
Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand
a start to Andre Marriner.

Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line
up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that
Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner.

Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season,
is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb's ability to
pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches.

"Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past,
but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too
much for him on this occasion," revealed Ferguson.

"I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we
need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep
into stoppage time."

The news of Marriner's inclusion has left United fans miffed
given Ferguson's criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat
to Liverpool in 2009.

"It doesn't make any sense not to include Webbo," said avid fan
John Henderson, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and
whose only connection with Manchester is that he once voted
for Bez when he was on Celebrity Big Brother.

"In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch,
and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the
game with a two-nil lead."

"I hope that Ferguson has seen something in Marriner in training
that suggests he can rise to the occasion."

"If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then
I'll be singing Webbsyio's name."

"I'll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be
left in no doubt about how angry I am."

 

[threebikesmcginty]

The thread title asks for good jokes, there's some very unfunny and unpleasant stuff here.

 

[Aperitif]

The thread title asks for good jokes, there's some very unfunny and unpleasant stuff here.

I agree 3bm - insulting, unfunny and thoughtless.

 

[subaqua]

I agree 3bm - insulting, unfunny and thoughtless.

thats the whole thing about jokes. some people will be offended by what other people find funny.

I think Frankie Boyle is great, others i Know can't stand the material he uses. Tim Vine is some peoples favourite I can't stand him.

 

[simon.r]

I went for a swim to take my mind off the terrible drought we're experiencing.

I did 25 lengths of the back garden.

 

[simon.r]

You won't like me when I'm angry, because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

I'm The Credible Hulk.

 

[GBC]

How can you tell when a Dundee girl has an orgasm......she drops her chips.

 

[Archie_tect]

Local Police are hunting for the 'knitting needle nutter', who has attacked six people in the village in the last 48 hours.
They believe the attacker is following a some sort of pattern.

 

[GBC]

If a man is walking in the woods, miles from anywhere, not a living soul within 20 miles, and is speaking aloud to himself, is he still wrong?

 

[007fair]

But this is a 'fun and family-friendly forum' - some of the misogynistic stuff in this thread is really revolting and doesn't belong here.

Ok here is a clean joke

man trips over vaccum cleaner and falls downstairs. The Doc said that leaving stuff like that lying around was Dyson with death

 

[007fair]

While in the US we found a pet parlour for manicures, haircuts etc.. and , yep, they called it Doggie Style. So we had to line up with a photo ..