Any good jokes ... ?

[Cavalol]

Incredibly quiet in this retro sweet shop.
You could hear a pan drop.

 

[Cavalol]

Faculty. What my east end neighbours shout when they've run out of PG tips.

 

[houblon]

What?

No, that was his brother. The one who led the Peasants' Revolt.

 

[Faratid]

Lads, lads. It was my little joke.

First time the crap joke was posted the image contained the words 'could of ironed it' and one of our comrades corrected it.

Second time the crap joke was posted the image contained the words 'could've ironed it' and I 'corrected' it.

I'll get my coat. (Its on it's hook over there.)

You could of written this;

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

[Nibor]

Would Which of counted the number of pedant's?

Was there less than a thousand?

One thousand.

 

[graham56]

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?

Gagged. 🤢

 

[kynikos]

One thousand

Please, please; where's the full stop?

 

[Threevok]

How many pendants does it take to change an light bulb ?

 

[GetFatty]

How many pendants does it take to change an light bulb ?

0 because pendants don’t have opposable thumbs

 

[mistyoptic]

 

[tyred]

 

[morrisman]

Dad, what are we doing today?
We're going to the opticians
And after that?
We'll see.

 

[Dave7]

I went to the optician yesterday.
He told me I am colour blind.
WoW, that was a bolt out of the orange

 

[Dayvo]

 

[PaulB]

My wife tells me I'm gullible and financially irresponsible. Wait til she hears I'm about to get a share of £50 million from a Nigerian bank! Just another £3,500 cheque will land us in clover!