ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
Why would Cinderella make a poor footballer?
She’s always running away from balls.
She’s always running away from balls.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Pinched from another site but I thought it was worth posting here.
Beijing Hotel Brochure
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
> Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
>
The Hotel:
> This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome.
> We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
> Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
> Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
> Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
> When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Beijing Hotel Brochure
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
> Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
>
The Hotel:
> This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome.
> We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
> Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
> Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
> Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
> When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
srw
It's a bit more complicated than that...
Are you sure?
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
A very short fairy tale....Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl to marry him. She said no, and he lived happily ever after. The end.
Lullabelle
Banana
- Location
- Midlands UK
One of out design engineers is a huge joke, does that count?
derrick
The Glue that binds us together.
- Location
- On the edge of London
One for the girls.
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Why did the woman want virtually raw eggs? Sorry, I'm confused...One for the girls.
martint235
Dog on a bike
- Location
- Welling
So @CharlieB is giving a tour of the Monkey House at London Zoo.
"And here we have an unusual specimen. As you can see it's a fairly normal monkey except for the fact it is incredibly well endowed. Nature has also played a rather cruel trick on this monkey and has made it with a piece of skin attaching its eyelid to its foreskin. This means that when it winks, it w**ks and when it w**ks it winks. This is why we call it the winky w**ky monkey"
"Madam! Yes you there in the red coat. Will you please stop throwing sand in the poor monkey's eyes"
"And here we have an unusual specimen. As you can see it's a fairly normal monkey except for the fact it is incredibly well endowed. Nature has also played a rather cruel trick on this monkey and has made it with a piece of skin attaching its eyelid to its foreskin. This means that when it winks, it w**ks and when it w**ks it winks. This is why we call it the winky w**ky monkey"
"Madam! Yes you there in the red coat. Will you please stop throwing sand in the poor monkey's eyes"
The Australian Poetry
Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and
an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was
the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and
an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was
the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
GC
GC
F70100
Who, me ?
One for the girls.
This happened to "a friend":
After getting undressed for a bout of, er, inter-gender wrestling, gf left her watch on.
Him - "Hope you're not going to time me"
Her - "Don't think so, it doesn't have a second hand"
Ouch!!!
