Any good jokes ... ?

[welsh dragon]

There were 3 men talking in the pub one night. Two were talking about the control they had over they're wives. The 3rd man was sitting quietly in the corner. The other 2 turned to him and asked him about the control he has over his wife.

Well he said, the other night my wife crawled over to me on her hands and knees. the other 2 were very excited and asked him what happened next. Well he said she put her head down and shouted, come out from under the bed and fight like a man.

 

[john59]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

[Roadhump]

Police all over the world are very concerned about information that terrorists are smuggling explosives in tins of alphabetty spaghetti. In a press conference a New Scotland Yard spokesperson said, "If any of these tins explode, it could spell ABSOLUTE DISASTER"

 

[georginas dad]

Once a woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

 

[PaulB]

Heard recently on R4's Today programme was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games,
the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

You missed the best bit there, mate. If you'd also included 'and change ends at half time', it would have been 47.7% funnier!

 

[morrisman]

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%.
Unless you're a blood donor!

 

[vernon]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.

(...)

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

You owe me a fiver.

 

[screenman]

 

[welsh dragon]

Liar. it says liar

 

[screenman]

Liar. it says liar

Did you have to turn your head to one side as well.

 

[john59]

So a blind man walks into a bar and sits down. Thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender he asks, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, a man beside him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender is blonde, our bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2", 250lbs and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300lbs, 6'6", and he is a wrestler. We're ALL blonde. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second thinking it over and then replied, "No, not if I have to explain it 5 times."

 

[F70100]

 

[welsh dragon]

Did you have to turn your head to one side as well.

Yes. But I have a table and it kept righting itself DOH

 

[compo]

I may soon be in the market for a new carpet cleaner so when a headline on the BBC News website caught my eye I immediately went to Amazon to get price and specs. All the usual makes are there - Hoover, Vax, Dyson etc - but I cannot find any mention of the 'Ukraine Power Vacuum' that the Beeb mentions. Any ideas?

 

[screenman]

Irish news, Cork man drowns.