Oh my, what have I just done?!

[Mad Doug Biker]

Ok, as some of you might be vaguely aware, I have a part of the family on my Mum's side of the family I know absolutely nothing about (other than basic details) and which my Mum doesn't want to contact and seemingly hasn't for several decades (when my Mum was a kid 60 years ago).

Thing is, I am curious just to know what happened to the family and have been for several years and, on looking on one of these geneology sites, I can see that my Mum's dad (the cause of all the probelms) is now long dead. Looking at the info available and the fact that some of his relatives seem to be on the site, I figure they know (albeit slightly) of us too, so, I have just sent a few emails to his relatives saying hello and explaining the situation.

Part of me hopes they don't reply, but at the same time, I hope they do. Nnngggggg what have I done? They could be millionaires, but at the same time, they could be the Asbo family from hell, and what do I tell my Mum if she finds out?...... Gulp!
I should have waited until my Mum has died, but that could be a very long way away.


It could end up like an episode of Eastenders, so I am trying to be careful with it until I find out who they are.

Do any of you have similar experiences?

 

[avalon]

That's great. If you didn't look for them it would probably play on your mind for the rest of your life. If things turn out badly you can always move to the colonies.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Thing is, I nearly did it a couple of years ago but chickened out, so, lets hope I actually get a reply!

 

[compo]

My mother left us when I was a baby because I believe my father was violent towards her. I was taken into care at age 8 and never saw my father again. I do know he had brothers and sisters, and my mother came from a large family in Fife. I also have brothers and sisters, and half brothers and sisters from my mother. Because I was in care for most of my young life and never lived with my family I have no familial bond with any of them, and after the death of my mother we gradually lost touch with each other. I made the decision to leave things as they are and I have had no contact with any of my relatives for many years, and now don't even know where most of them live, neither have I researched my mothers side of the family in Scotland. To be honest I have no real interest and just cannot be bothered with family other than my own. I have even ignored messages and friend requests on Facebook.

Good luck with your attempts at contact with your people. I hope it leads to an interesting and happy outcome.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I've been curious for years, but am aware I need to be careful with it not to upset anyone. I am not wanting any big emotional reunion or anything, I just want to know what happened after my Gran walked out. I know he remarried and died in 2004, but other than that....

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Hell, even just a picture of him would be better than nothing!

 

[Smurfy]

There's nothing wrong with being curious about this sort of thing, don't forget, many people people take for granted the fact that they know who all their relations are.

 

[Hitchington]

I have a similar experience in so far as much I have not seen my biological father since I was 6 months old (more to the point he hasn't seen me for 42 odd years of my life). I know his name, I know where he lives (on Jersey, and I looked up his address in the Jersey telephone directory) and I've know this since 1996 when my mum passed away (she told me all about him 2 weeks before she died). I admire your courage Mad Doug, because it does take courage to contact a family member or members that you haven't seen for a long time, or have never met. Sadly I lack this courage.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I have a similar experience in so far as much I have not seen my biological father since I was 6 months old (more to the point he hasn't seen me for 42 odd years of my life). I know his name, I know where he lives (on Jersey, and I looked up his address in the Jersey telephone directory) and I've know this since 1996 when my mum passed away (she told me all about him 2 weeks before she died). I admire your courage Mad Doug, because it does take courage to contact a family member or members that you haven't seen for a long time, or have never met. Sadly I lack this courage.

I'll let you know how this goes so you can have an example to work with!

Seriously though, if you want to know, then its better to do it before its too late and you regret it. 'Tis awkward though, isn't it?
I am taking the view that even if I get no reply, then at least I've tried, and that's all you can do!

 

[Hitchington]

I'll let you know how this goes so you can have an example to work with!

Seriously though, if you want to know, then its better to do it before its too late and you regret it. 'Tis awkward though, isn't it?
I am taking the view that even if I get no reply, then at least I've tried, and that's all you can do!

Yeah, I think if I'd have done it by now if I REALLY wanted to do it, and I have the fear of the unknown and rejection stopping me. But I'm interested to hear how you get on... Good luck with your efforts, I wish you all the best!

 

[Sandra6]

Brave step, but possibly not the most sensible. I think telling your mum is the next step.
I have a friend who contacted her biological father after finding a couple of sisters she knew nothing about on facebook of all places.
She didn't tell her mum, who then found out and it caused a big row between her and her other sisters. The contact with her dad didn't go well either, but on the upside she does have contact with the extended family but it's more of a friendship than a family connection for her.

 

[Hotblack Desiato]

In my experience it's extraordinary how really minor things get remembered in families for decades and grudges nursed. Also how memories of a certain member can be totally different depending who you ask! Very often based on a short, infrequent acquaintanceship the snapshot memory is all they have to go on, yet it endures as if they knew the person well all their life.

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Neverhteless, I hope it goes well for you Mad Doug.

 

[summerdays]

I don't have any big family breakups (that I know of - well apart from a cousin falling out with his Dad), but I have done the family tree stuff and contacted a couple of relations through that. We haven't become best chums, but did/do exchange bits of information and Christmas Cards. I've contacted people that my Mum had lost contact with and she is interested in the information though hasn't resumed contact herself.

Just because you contact them - you don't have to tell them everything and you can always decide to meet them on neutral ground rather than inviting them to the house if you decide to go that far.

 

[deanE]

I would wait until you have made contact before you tell your mother. See how it pan’s out. You have a right to contact them, which your mother should respect, just as you should respect your mother’s feelings and her decision not to make contact. Best of luck.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

We have similar issues with our "family". I have an older uncle who I have not seen since I was 11 years old. He walked out on the family after yet another row with my other uncle. He had always lived at home up until that point, he had become mine & my brother's father figure, and my Grannie took it badly when he left, but never said anything. I understand that my grandfather has tried a number of times to patch things up - letter always come from a solicitor, so at least there is someway to contact him when the inevitable family split comes when my grandfather dies. Few family members want anything to do with the younger uncle who is still around. As for the uncle who walked out - somedays I would love to meet him just to say "well done & congratulations" for having the guts to get on with his own life though I did see what it did to his mother & father which I sincerely wish had not happened, but his father chose to side with the younger of the 2 and my Grannie was given no choice in the matter.
In addition, I have not seen my biological father since I was 7 or 8 years old. The divorce happened when I was 4, my brother was 1. I know what went on and what my real father was like, a violent drunk who when my mother refused to sleep with him, took a knife to my throat, I don't know if he raped her, he was certainly violent & abusive to her and one of her friends (just before she died 2 years ago) told me that he had raped my mother. I also found out he was a small time drug dealer, to deal with his habit and never batted an eyelid over getting a young infant/child (namely me) high on either inhaled fumes or from the whisky he had failed to drink. All contact with him terminated when my mother remarried (husband no. 2 of 3). All I know is that he emigrated with his 2nd or 3rd wife to south africa. If he is still alive, my brother reminded me on Christmas Eve that he would have been 70. I know we have several half brothers & sisters as well as additional step brother & sisters we don't know, (in addition to the 2 half brother & sisters our mother had with husband no 2 - a verbally abusive drunk) - I will never know them and they may be really nice people now, but given how screwed up this side of the family is, I fail to see why we need to find out who screwed up the other side is. Personally I don't give a damm about my real father - he is the one who failed to keep contact, it is not the responsibiltiy of a young child, but my brother who never knew him, constantly wants to meet him and does not let the subject drop. We also now have no contact with his brothers & sisters in this country either - one of whom I have met shortly after my nanna died (paternal grandmother) and they were very nice, but it was awkward to say the least. Whilst we havean address for "our father", it is more than 20 years old and we know (from various law suits) that he has moved again. My mother is now married to husband no 3 - an exceptionally decent man who does not drink and thinks the world of her.

There is additional 'stuff' but an open forum is not the place to bring that up.

I have been fortunante another to see a 'normal, functional' family in the flesh (Edit: spelling mistake corrected), I lived with them for a couple of months after being thrown out as a teenager and I know wihich family I would rather know - my husband's. They remind me what 'normal' is and I am very lucky to have known them and had their support over the years.

My brother is the one who was always taking things apart to see how they work - I was always the one who put them back together afterwards. I don't know what you hope to achieve but you sound do much like my brother. I hope it works out better than you hope, because there is nothing worse than seeing families tear themselves apart time and time again.