where's the friday jokes then ?
- Thread starter urbanrider
- Start date
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Scots man lying on his bed dying that evening: frantic wife summons the doctor; he says "Will ye wait outside the room a moment, I'm doing everything I can...": after a while doctor comes out and says "well, lady, let me put it this way: I've got the good news and I've got the bad news..."
"So what's the good news?"
"Ye need only boil one egg tomorrow for breakfast..."
"So what's the good news?"
"Ye need only boil one egg tomorrow for breakfast..."
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Hewey is dating his latest girlfriend, who happens to be a virgin.
'Put ya hand up ma kilt,' he says to her.
'Och nae, I daren't,' comes her timid reply.
'PUT YA HAND UP MA KILT,' he demands.
With that Marie reluctantly does as he says.
'Och, it's gruesome,' she shouts in dismay.
'Aye, an' if ya put ya hand up there agin, it's grew some more.'
'Put ya hand up ma kilt,' he says to her.
'Och nae, I daren't,' comes her timid reply.
'PUT YA HAND UP MA KILT,' he demands.
With that Marie reluctantly does as he says.
'Och, it's gruesome,' she shouts in dismay.
'Aye, an' if ya put ya hand up there agin, it's grew some more.'
papercorn2000
Senior Member
The Velvet Curtain said:
How?
This is killing me!
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
Prince Charles is polishing the family silver....and a genie pops out of the lamps in his hands.
You can have a wish...anything at all
Welll.......one of mummys corgis died last night....shes devastated. Perhaps you could bring it back to life ?
No, No....its not possible...you can do anything but bring the dead back to life. Have another try....said the genie....anything, anything at all.
Welll....a lot of people say Camillas really not that good looking. Perhaps you could do something for her ?
Lets have another look at that corgi........said the genie.
You can have a wish...anything at all
Welll.......one of mummys corgis died last night....shes devastated. Perhaps you could bring it back to life ?
No, No....its not possible...you can do anything but bring the dead back to life. Have another try....said the genie....anything, anything at all.
Welll....a lot of people say Camillas really not that good looking. Perhaps you could do something for her ?
Lets have another look at that corgi........said the genie.
A man is woken in the middle of the night by a noise, he goes to investigate and finds a robber in his front room, as he tackles the man he starts shouting for help. Seconds later Batman flies in the window, grabs the nearest blunt object and bashes the robber over the head with a loud "T'pau!"
"Excuse me, but don't you mean Kapow!"
"Erm, no, I've got china in my hand!"
Sorry.....
"Excuse me, but don't you mean Kapow!"
"Erm, no, I've got china in my hand!"
Sorry.....
stevenb
New Member
- Location
- South Beds.
A mushroom walks into a dating agency to submit his details.
'so then' says the lady taking down his particulars, 'what's your best quality'?
After a breif pause the mushroom replies 'well I'm just a fun-gi to be with'
'so then' says the lady taking down his particulars, 'what's your best quality'?
After a breif pause the mushroom replies 'well I'm just a fun-gi to be with'
Tinkstheminks
New Member
- Location
- EAST YORKSHIRE - GOOLE
I've got a friday joke....
Ok... it's Saturday evening but who cares!! I've only just heard it.
Why to men fart more that women?
Because women talk so much that they have less hear trapped inside to
need to fart!!
Ok... it's Saturday evening but who cares!! I've only just heard it.
Why to men fart more that women?
Because women talk so much that they have less hear trapped inside to
need to fart!!
ChrisW
Senior Member
- Location
- Wimbledon toWest End
Cyclista said:
37 posts and i finally found a joke that made me smile...are the jokes that bad or am i just a humourless old fart...
No lets assume the jokes are bad...
ChrisW
Senior Member
- Location
- Wimbledon toWest End
Ok, some of these are a bit old but i'm going to spoil you all by giving you next Friday's jokes today.....
From the Edinburgh Festival:
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right
to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido
must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,
but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to
get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton
when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells
you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh1t, I wasn't listening ...
was it self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots
and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork ....
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
both a winner and a loser at the same time.
-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you
go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm
not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire.They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly
From the Edinburgh Festival:
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right
to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido
must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,
but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to
get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton
when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells
you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh1t, I wasn't listening ...
was it self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots
and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the Girl out of Cork ....
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
both a winner and a loser at the same time.
-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you
go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm
not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire.They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly
Dear God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read.
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office....
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read.
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office....
Rhythm Thief
Legendary Member
- Location
- Ross on Wye
I've posted this one before somewhere, but I still think it's funny and it's been a while, so ...
A man walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm.
"This is the pig I've been ****ing" he announces loudly.
His wife sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "That's not a pig, it's a duck" she says.
"I wasn't talking to you" says the man.
sorry.
A man walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm.
"This is the pig I've been ****ing" he announces loudly.
His wife sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "That's not a pig, it's a duck" she says.
"I wasn't talking to you" says the man.
sorry.
- Location
- The TerrorVortex
Why does it take 2 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
IT JUST DOES!!!!!!
Yep, the fleece over there, thanks.
IT JUST DOES!!!!!!
Yep, the fleece over there, thanks.
