where's the friday jokes then ?

[jonathan ellis]

bear walks into a pub and heads to the bar, says to the barman
"I'd like a pint of erm.......
.....Cider please"




barman says why the long Paws?

 

[Pottsy]

How do you titilate an osilot?

Osilate it's tit alot.

 

[jonathan ellis]

why did the hedghog cross the road?



to see his flatmate

 

[jonathan ellis]

man walks into the doctors wearing only clingfilm underpants

the doctor looks up from reading his notes and says


"Well I can clearly see your nuts"

 

[jonathan ellis]

I'll get me coat

 

[Lefire]

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

 

[urbanrider]

oh thats much better, thankyou

 

[Pete]

Well, we've had 'man walks into a bar', and we've had bagpipes, so here goes...
-------------------------------------------------------------
A fella walks into a pub carrying a large octopus. He places the octopus on a stool, and explains to the company that this is a very talented octopus – it can play brilliantly any musical instrument you care to name.

“Carm on then, prove it!” shout the others.

“So it’s like that is it? Right, here’s £50 says nobody can produce an instrument that my octopus can’t play.”

“You’re on!”

The first taker hands over a guitar. The octopus seizes it eagerly and starts strumming with its tentacles, giving a solo performance far more enthralling than anything you ever heard from Jimi Hendrix.

Sheepishly, the guitar owner takes back his instrument and hands over £50.

Next a violin is passed across. This is no challenge for the octopus however – Yehudi Menuhin could not have evinced a sweeter tone.

Then a trumpet is produced. The octopus puffs out its cheeks, and proceeds to deliver a full, rich sound that would have made Louis Armstrong hide his head in shame.

“Any more?” says the man.

Finally a Scotsman in a kilt starts up from the back of the bar. “Here, try this laddie,” he calls as he tosses over a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a long time. Finally it looks up with a baffled expression.

“Aha! I knew it!” says the Scotsman. “Ye cannae play it, can ye, me lad!”

“Whaddya mean, play it?” retorts the octopus. “I’m gonna shag it as soon as I can figure out how to get its friggin’ pyjamas off!”

 

[Lefire]

i like it.

 

[Eat MY Dust]

A bear walks into a pub and says to the barman "Could I have a...................................................pint of lager please"

The barman says "What's with the big pause?"

 

[postman]

Iread a book on levitation last night it kept me up all night.

 

[postman]

Scots man lying on his bed dying is ma wife here? yes dear i am here.Is ma son here? yes dad i am here.Is ma daughter here?.Yes dad i am here.Then why have ye left the kitchen light on?.

 

[walker]

trying desperatly to think of jokes that I haven't posted already on C+

 

[Albionrider]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well,"said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**King fault!

 

[TVC]

How do you keep a moron in suspense?