Viz Top Tips

[semislickstick]

Earn big money by displaying a “How's My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can aquire through BT. Then simply drive around town like a complete peanut.

....or to save petrol and time stick your own premium number 'How's my driving?' on other peanut drivers cars/all delivery vans...sit back and relax.

 

[abo]

....or to save petrol and time stick your own premium number 'How's my driving?' on other peanut drivers cars/all delivery vans...sit back and relax.

Hmm, you could be onto something there

 

[sheddy]

Need to make a call or send a message. Save time by not parking up, simply carry on driving.

 

[goo_mason]

- Convince people you own an iPad by drawing a picture of the internet on your Etch-a-Sketch

- Save money on guaranteed postal services by simply sending important communications on "Sorry you were out" Royal Mail cards

- Beige shorts are an excellent way to inform the entire pub that you've just been for a tinkle



If any of you are on Twittter, follow @twoptwips for a daily supply of Viz Top Tips (as well as new ones supplied by Twitter users).

 

[soulful dog]

Cheers goo mason, that might just be reason enough to start using twitter.




MOVIE BAD GUYS. Immobilise Vin Diesel by spiking his drink with petrol.

 

[PhunkPilot]

Car drivers:- Pushing the high intensity rear fog lamp button a second time will actually turn it off!!!!

 

[PhunkPilot]

Car driver:- Pushing the high intensity rear fog lamp button a second time will actually turn it off!!!!

A wire brush makes an excellent 'bed of nails' for your hamster!

 

[Bollo]

Drivers! - Want to send a text while driving? - Avoid costly fines by holding the phone on your lap out of sight.

 

[Bollo]

Drivers! - Been caught texting even though you held your phone out of sight. Explain to the arresting police officer that you were merely inspecting your genitals for cleanliness. Make your alibi more convincing by giving your junk a name, like 'Mrs Froo Froo' or 'The General'.

 

[Arsen Gere]

Fixie users with no brakes.

Why not remove your saddle too. In the case of an emergency throw yourself back wards jamming you junk between the wheel and frame to come to a halt. At the same time you can be removed from the gene pool.

 

[gambatte]

Fixie users with no brakes.

Why not remove your saddle too. In the case of an emergency throw yourself back wards jamming you junk between the wheel and frame to come to a halt. At the same time you can be removed from the gene pool.

.
.
.
anyone know a good way to get coffee out of a keyboard?..

 

[Bicycle]

Shouty London cyclists in a big hurry, save valuable time by ignoring red lights or swooping between pedestrians on crossings and pavements.

Undercutting long or articulated vehicles approaching lefthanded bends might also save valuable time and might be worth the risk...

You'll probably get through OK most times.

Should you be walloped while doing the above, there's a fleet of expertly crewed ambulances at your disposal, to get you to the hospital or morgue, depending on the outcome.

Bitter?

Me?

 

[Glow worm]

Tooth picks make ideal snooker cues for mice.

Snooker cues make ideal tooth picks for elephants.

Avoid trouble locating your car in big car parks, simply let the air out of all your tyres when you park, and on your return, simply look for the lowest car.

Calculate your body weight by standing on your scales wearing your shoes, note the weight x. Then weigh one of your shoes and note weight y. Your bodyweight is then given by the equation w=x-2y.

Also from this month's edition, a letter rather than a Top Tip .....
'Could any of your readers tell me if the world ended on May 21st as I live in Birkenhead and quite frankly it's very difficult to tell' .

 

[Bluebell72]

I rather liked

Dieters! Stir a spoonful of lard into low-calorie yogurt to improve flavour and consistency!