Uncle Drago's agony column

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
You are so wise while I am so innocent so I would appreciate your help on something tha is puzzling me.
This weekend has the annual Oxfor/Cambridge boat race.
Much has been said about the pollution with advice not to go into the water.
Now I realise times are changing and we must become more broad minded BUT on the BBC news there was specific advice for the women's crews.....for the winners to resist putting their cocks in the water as is traditional .
I am at a loss......please enlighten this poor soul.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nora,

Women do indeed have winkies these days, ever since one Mr K Starmer of London said they did. Therefore it must be so.

Accordingly, it is the men who should stay out of the water. There are so many floating condoms there's a good chance of the men getting pregnant, unless they identity as an armadillo or some such.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I decided to stop smoking, but was finding it really difficult. I started sucking on Fisherman's Friends as a substitute but they burned my mouth.

I changed to Jelly Babies but then I started to put on weight and come out in spots due to too much sugar.

I was looking for a healthier alternative to Jelly Babies so started chewing on Lentils. This is working well so far; but there is just one small downside.

I can't stop farting. It's really embarrassing and people near me on the bus going to work get up and change seats. At work, it is even worse as the person on the desk beside me puts a clothes peg on her nose and ear plugs in her ears due to the volley of smelly farts.

In Church on Sunday, the minister was making jokes about the trumpets that brought down the walls of Jericho.

I am afraid to go anywhere near a naked flame in case of combustion.

How can I get around this embarrassing little problem?

Yours faithfully,
Hamish MacTrumpet

 

[Landsurfer]

Dear Drago,
I‘m worried about my “friend “ .
He looks around him and is worried and even frightened about all the new people he sees …
People with pink and purple hair and boobies … called Gerald …
He thinks maybe he should help people who do not understand Gerald and his friends and proposes a new political party.
He likes uniforms.
He has started wearing a black, silver and red one …..
Its very smart ..
He seems to frighten Gerald and his pink and purple haired friends …
What should I do ….

 

[Paulus]

Dear Uncle Dragon, my local church Bell Bell ringing practice is causing me anxiety as it goes on long into the knight when I am trying to get some RnR.
As you're a newly appointed guardian of the parish welfare, what can I do.
I doff my cap and tug my fore lock to you my lord.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I decided to stop smoking, but was finding it really difficult. I started sucking on Fisherman's Friends as a substitute but they burned my mouth.

I changed to Jelly Babies but then I started to put on weight and come out in spots due to too much sugar.

I was looking for a healthier alternative to Jelly Babies so started chewing on Lentils. This is working well so far; but there is just one small downside.

I can't stop farting. It's really embarrassing and people near me on the bus going to work get up and change seats. At work, it is even worse as the person on the desk beside me puts a clothes peg on her nose and ear plugs in her ears due to the volley of smelly farts.

In Church on Sunday, the minister was making jokes about the trumpets that brought down the walls of Jericho.

I am afraid to go anywhere near a naked flame in case of combustion.

How can I get around this embarrassing little problem?

Yours faithfully,
Hamish MacTrumpet

Dear Ham Sandwich,

Sucking on a Fisherman's Friend? I fear you are the Philip Schofield of the fishist industry.

Dear Drago,
I‘m worried about my “friend “ .
He looks around him and is worried and even frightened about all the new people he sees …
People with pink and purple hair and boobies … called Gerald …
He thinks maybe he should help people who do not understand Gerald and his friends and proposes a new political party.
He likes uniforms.
He has started wearing a black, silver and red one …..
Its very smart ..
He seems to frighten Gerald and his pink and purple haired friends …
What should I do ….

Dear Mansurfer,

These are topsy turvey times. Men can give birth, women can have winkies, and Richard Madeley isn't a shoplifter.

Anyway, I like the idea of your new party. Smart uniform, brown or black shirts, polished jack boots, good prospects. You'll have the Greens smartened up in no time.

Dear Uncle Dragon, my local church Bell Bell ringing practice is causing me anxiety as it goes on long into the knight when I am trying to get some RnR.
As you're a newly appointed guardian of the parish welfare, what can I do.
I doff my cap and tug my fore lock to you my lord.

Dear Peter,

The bells have been ordered to ring for 28 days to celebrate my new elevation to high public office.

Dissenters are to be put against the wall and shot. However, ae we go back a long way you'll be spared that and instead will be banished to a camper van tour with Nicola Sturgeon.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago, your Highness

I need your help in something that has been bothering me for a tad, well, since September 1975 to be precise.

You see, that was the year I started senior school, and as a 1st Year "scrubber", me and a fellow "scrubbee" were at the end of a long dinner table at lunchtime, with the long haired 5th Form "gods" at the top, dishing out the soup

One of these "gods" shouted down the table at me to go and get a left handed ladle, as the one he had was right-handed.

Now then, he was some six foot tall, had a hairstyle like Noddy Holder and fixed me with a "do it" stare. I was knee high to a grasshopper and weighed the same as
a bag of crisps.

So, off I trot over to the elderly (well, she was probably 10 years younger than I am now) dinner lady, to whom I dutifully relayed the very reasonable Noddy Holder request. I was astounded when the old lady smiled at me as if I'd just come out of the pram, and said the ladle was fine.

I turned round, and, presumably, Noddy must have just kindly told them all a really funny joke, to pass the time whilst I carried out my important task, as they were all rolling around in great mirth.

Anyway, this has played on my mind for the past 48 years, to the extent that I really panic whenever confronted with unusual cultlery, like at those high class restaurants my wife loves to frequent.

Can you help me?!

Scrubber Tosh

 

[Kajjal]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am up a tree in your garden with binoculars and the curtains are drawn on the back bedroom windows. Could you please rectify this faux pas immediately ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago, your Highness

I need you help in something that has been bothering me for a tad, well, since September 1975 to be precise.

You see, that was the year I started senior school, and as a 1st Year "scrubber", me and a fellow "scrubbee" were at the end of a long dinner table at lunchtime, with the long haired 5th Form "gods" at the top, dishing out the soup

One of these "gods" shouted down the table at me to go and get a left handed ladle, as the one he had was right-handed.

Now then, he was some six foot tall, had a hairstyle like Noddy Holder and fixed me with a "do it" stare. I was knee high to a grasshopper and weighed the same as
a bag of crisps.

So, of I trot over to the elderly (well, she was probably 10 years younger than I am now) dinner lady, to whom I dutifully relayed the very reasonable Noddy Holder request. I was astounded when the old lady smiled at me as if I'd just come out of the pram, and said the ladle was fine.

I turned round, and, presumably, Noddy must have just kindly told them all a really funny joke, to pass the time whilst I carried out my important task, as they were all rolling around in great mirth.

Anyway, this has played on my mind for the past 48 years, to the extent that I really panic whenever confronted with unusual cultlery, like at those high class restaurants my wife loves to frequent.

Can you help me?!

Scrubber Tosh

Dear Jacob Rees-Mogg,

It is sad that the sight of a wooden chip fork is enough to start you foaming at rhe mouth.

I suspect the only way to avoid this is to dither eat at Japanese restaurants use chopsticks, or just get your butler to hand feed you.

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am up a tree in your garden with binoculars and the curtains are drawn on the back bedroom windows. Could you please rectify this faux pas immediately ?

Dear Schofield,

I keep telling you, I'm too old. In any case, I have a winky so must be female.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

You spurn my natural emotions.
You make me feel like dirt and I'm hurt.
And if I start a commotion.
I run the risk of losing you and that's worse.

Draggy baby, please don't buzz off.

Tosh Shelley

 

[Drago]

Dear Smelley,

I am disappointed with you post punk, watered down anti authority attitude. You clearly never fell in love with someone you shouldn't have, and Johnny Rotten is so disgusted with your bandwagon jumping he dropped his monocle and his housekeeper is trying to fish it out or the vacuum cleaner bag as we speak.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Smelley,

I am disappointed with you post punk, watered down anti authority attitude. You clearly never fell in love with someone you shouldn't have, and Johnny Rotten is so disgusted with your bandwagon jumping he dropped his monocle and his housekeeper is trying to fish it out or the vacuum cleaner bag as we speak.

.....But Fun Boy Drags

It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. You can try hard, don't mean a thing. Take it easy, then your jive will swing.

You're welcome.

Two Tone Tosh

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I heard that lonesome whistle and I'm so lonesome I could die. My son calls another man Daddy and I have no mansion on a hill.

I've got a hot-rod Ford but the tank is empty and I've only got a two dollar bill.

I don't care if tomorrow never comes. Never again will I knock on her door and my love for her has turned to hate.

To make matters worse, there's a tear in my beer and my bucket's got a hole in it.

How can I view the world in a more positive light?

Yours faithfully,
Hank William Sr,
Alabama

 

[Drago]

Dear Hunk,

The problem with your sort of music is that is so maudlin. My wife ran off with the milkman, the dog bit me, car would,dnt start, then I got the sack...Its just depressing.

Try listening to some cheeky upbeat old school stuff. Be Young And Beautiful, My Old Man's a Dustman, I'm The Leader Of The Gang, and you'll feel cheery and chirpy in no time,

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

When I wrote to you before, you advised that confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur.

However, it's got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Tehcnick, you know?

So Drags, I've decided to feed the pigeons, I sometimes feed the sparrows too, it gives me an enormous sense of well-being.

Do you think I'm simply living my life in a blur?

Britpop Tosh