Things you'd like to say, but can't

[subaqua]

why oh why oh fecking why did you spend £10k on software that does not do what the sales whanquer said it would. I asked the difficult questions at the sales pitch and said afterwards that if it doesn't alow work offline then its useless but you were determined to use it
what have we ended up with , yup a software package that
1) doesn't pass the ronseal test
2) is going to make my life about 200 times harder.
3) has wasted £10k we could have spent on beter things.

I wish I had stayed on construction stream now .

 

[gavgav]

You are not the only person that bad things happen to and it's about time you realised that and started thinking about other people for once and how they may be feeling, rather than yourself.

 

[gbb]

Tea bags are NOT 'bad boys'
My young colleague, realising his stock of teabags is low says..'better get some of these bad boys tonight'

Bad boys ...what is going on inside your head ?

i could say It, but i probably talked gibberish at his age. I dont remember it that way, but ..meh, he's young.

 

[pplpilot]

OH!! PUHLEEZE!!! Will you three piss off and go and talk wendyball anywhere but by my desk, i have the rest of today to get this proposal together, three times today i have had to go and walk to the canteen and back slowly just to get away from your inane drivel about 'Rooooooooooonnnnyyyy' . The only miracle thing about that over paid prima donna is he didn't have hair at the last world wendyball contest now he has a head full...

 

[sazzaa]

Your son just died you pair of farking religious nutjobs, have a bit of respect for his final wishes.

 

[Jenkins]

When you print out an email that consistes of a chain of correspondence between yourself and another person, why not either just print out the most recent update or, if you insist on printing the whole bl**dy thing, throw away the previous versions! There is no need to have the same email printed 20+ times with just a couple of added lines each time.

Oh, and type out your reports so we can read them - your handwriting is appalling

 

[marknotgeorge]

'This transaction will appear on your statement as PayPal PROGREENWEE'

Ah, yes. an obvious truncation of Progreen Weedkiller. Nothing to snigger about here.

 

[Scoosh]

Yeah - we believe you @marknotgeorge ....

 

[TVC]

Now then Mr Production Manager, it is a great idea that you have decided to free up some of my time so I can get on with the tasks the MD has asked me to do. The thing is, the MD has already told me that he gave you a bollocking for not freeing me up before now, so it wasn't reallllly your idea was it?

 

[perplexed]

...and I don't know. Isn't it bad enough that I'm doing your job as well as my own, particularly in light of the fact that you are paid at least 3 times what I am?

How about you getting off your bum and doing your own work? Just a thought...

 

[Saluki]

...and I don't know. Isn't it bad enough that I'm doing your job as well as my own, particularly in light of the fact that you are paid at least 3 times what I am?

How about you getting off your bum and doing your own work? Just a thought...

Reckon that you should say that, or at least not do that person's job and let them flounder. I might just be a cow though.

 

[Saluki]

Oh, so I upset your daughter did I? Well she upset me first now pi$$ off and don't call my phone ever again.

Oh, hold on. I did say that and then I made a nice cuppa.

 

[Lavender Rose]

Do you want some herpes with that short skirt and belt you call a boob tube?!

 

[Hover Fly]

Now listen, you half-baked bean-counter, I wrote down very carefully, in my very best hand-writing, exactly what drawing pens, what ink and what drawing film to order. So you ordered some glorified felt-tips, the wrong ink-not that it matters because those pens aren't refillable anyway-and some kind of plastic sheet I wouldn't wrap my sandwiches in. This is all for archival drawings that will be around long after you and your monthly budgets are forgotten. Now do it again and GET IT RIGHT!

 

[slowwww]

Message left for me to call a member of staff, having been forewarned that he's been signed off for a fortnight by his doctor 'due to work-related stress'. I suspect that this 'stress' was brought on by the introduction of our new workflow monitoring system which showed that he does barely a third of the amount of our most able person, and less than half of the average.

"XXXX, you suggesting that you're overworked is the funniest thing I've heard for years!! You are the laziest fecker I've ever met, the only parts of you that words hard are your vocal chords with your insidious whining about reasons why you can't work due to your health conditions. Has the penny not dropped that the only reason that you have knee, ankle and back problems is that your BMI is in the low 120s, and you're so short and round that if you tripped up you'd roll for miles? And by the way, your weight is not a genetic condition, you eat at least 2 chocolate bars and 2 packets of crisps every day, and that’s before you go to the pub at lunch for your pie and chips!! You wouldn’t know exercise, a piece of fruit or a green vegetable if it kicked you in your arse!! And speaking of your arse, it causes a solar eclipse every time you pass the floor to ceiling windows at the front of the office. Feck off and never darken our door again"

Having been told by our HR Manager what I could say, I actually said:

"Sorry to hear that you're unwell. I hope you feel better soon and once you're recovered please let me know if there's any reasonable adjustments that we can make to help you at work"

GRRRRRRRRRR. Now my blood pressure's stratospheric!