No more club rides for me

[Matthew_T]

I was drinking and I was seriously racking my mind for something to start a conversation with. I was trying to listen to peoples convo's (without being nosey) and thinking of something I could input. It got to the stage where I was with the dog owner trying to think of something dog related.
Social interventions are very difficult for me to handle. I am not a person to start a conversation. Most of the people in the club I know but rarely speak to on the rides because we are all concentrating and moving about.
I know I shouldnt jump on them so quickly but this has happened before at the pub, and pretty much on every ride. People rarely come and speak to me.

At work we constantly ask each other if they are 'alright' just to start the conversation. All I need is for someone to acknowledge my existence.

 

[Hacienda71]

Ask out about their bikes/kit and if they race TT etc. Most cyclists will be happy to recount tales of their achievements and what mods they have made to their bikes.

 

[HLaB]

Its hard but you find that some clicks wont speak until spoken to and then they turn out to be great folk involving you in everything; the ice just needs braking.

 

[fossyant]

Mathew it's not the cub members fault, they probably think you are very quiet if you won't initiate a conversation.

With my new club, talk generally starts, as has been said, about the bike. They will ask about mine, me about there bike, riding they do etc. etc. If you don't initiate a conversation, many folk will be happy not to say a word all day.

Don't lose faith in the club. Is anyone aware of your condition ? That may help them understand. Also, as a young lad, you won't have the life experience yet, so sharing those moments are more difficult.

One of the things my 'old' club used to do was talk about funny moments or crazy stuff they had done, like holding onto the back of a JCB as it drove up Winnats pass !! Good ice breaker - get folk laughing.

 

[fossyant]

Ask out about their bikes/kit and if they race TT etc. Most cyclists will be happy to recount tales of their achievements and what mods they have made to their bikes.

Aye, enough to bore "non cyclists" to death.

 

[coffeejo]

Groups operate differently to individuals, which makes socialising even harder if you're not up to speed with all the rules and don't know how to read the signals/cues.

Two suggestions.

1) Of the regular attendees at club rides and events, decide who the most empathetic person that you trust and talk to them about the difficulties you're experiencing on the social interaction side of things and ask for their help and support so that you're not excluded.

2) Get professional assistance on how to manage all kinds of social situations, from being down the pub to customer relations.

Actually, do both. I really believe it will help you relax and enjoy your life without getting caught up in the frustrations of not understanding people.

 

[Inertia]

I sympathise with you, starting to chat from 'cold' isn't always easy. Maybe you could practice ways of starting a conversation, say by role-playing this situation with your dad or mum? You could work up a mental list of questions to ask people that would be friendly but not nosey, and good ways of getting people talking. For instance, like asking the dog owner what kind of dogs they own, which breeds they like best and why, that sort of thing.

Being in a situation with lots of strangers and making a move to start a conversation can be daunting to anyone. A mental list of questions like TMN suggested sounds like a very good idea, once you get them talking about themselves you will probably come up with more questions or something to add yourself.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

Groups operate differently to individuals, which makes socialising even harder if you're not up to speed with all the rules and don't know how to read the signals/cues.

Two suggestions.

1) Of the regular attendees at club rides and events, decide who the most empathetic person that you trust and talk to them about the difficulties you're experiencing on the social interaction side of things and ask for their help and support so that you're not excluded.

2) Get professional assistance on how to manage all kinds of social situations, from being down the pub to customer relations.

Actually, do both. I really believe it will help you relax and enjoy your life without getting caught up in the frustrations of not understanding people.

This, especially no 1.

I was formulating a post as I read through going to suggest if there is one person you consider a pal or the club's 'everybodys mate' that you could have a quiet 1:1 chat with and just explain how uncomfortable you feel being the conversation starter, & why if you want to give the the medical angle, and how uncomfortable you have ended up feeling through no fault of anybodys.

It sounds as if there is the misunderstanding by the others that you just want to be left in peace or they aren't getting past the 'if you aren't going to make the effort as the new boy, why should we' attitude without knowing why you are coming across as painfully shy/stand offish.

 

[Banjo]

Dont give up on them just for the one night. Remember that some of them may have been mates for decades and some of the banter goes over your head leaving you feel excluded.

Well done on at least trying to socialise with them. Parties arent easy for everyone Aspergers or not.Have a quiet chat with someone in the club you trust/look up to and maybe they can help draw you into the conversations etc. Good Luck

 

[arranandy]

Took me a while to be 'accepted' when I joined my present bike club. It only really happened after I'd done a few club confined events (TTs and APRs) and put in some half decent performances. Add to that doing virtually every Saturday group ride for a whole winter season regardless of the weather.
Having said that the club seems a lot more sociable these days thanks to an influx of new members over the past couple of years

 

[gavroche]

Very recently, I went for a ride with Matthew. There was just the two of us. We didn't talk much while riding but when we stopped for an ice cream, we had a good chat and Matthew was easy to talk to. So maybe the members of his club are snobbing him and in that case he should look for another club.

 

[the_mikey]

Sometimes it's easy to misinterpret the actions/words/intentions of other people, sometimes people will do things that might disappoint you, but that shouldn't stop you enjoying the thing that you do enjoy doing. Don't feel that you have to attend the social evening, maybe it meant more to other people in the group than it meant to you, don't take it personally.

 

[guitarpete247]

Earlier this year I tried out a ride with a local club. I kept being left behind on any inclines as everone else were riding carbon and my bike is a 30 year old steelie. (I kept catching up on the flat and even had to keep breaking on down-hills). At the cafe stop I tried to join in with conversations but was definitely excluded and made to feel unwelcome.
I've not been with them since.
I do want a newer, lighter ride but enjoy riding on my own more than being ignored by a group with better more expensive gear than me.
It's about the cycling.

 

[screenman]

We have 2 ears and one mouth, so you should do twice as much listening as talking.

Luckily for me I have never felt ignored or shut out, if I was ever so it did not have an impact upon my well being.

Sometimes we have to look closer to home for the seat of a problem.

 

[screenman]

Earlier this year I tried out a ride with a local club. I kept being left behind on any inclines as everone else were riding carbon and my bike is a 30 year old steelie. (I kept catching up on the flat and even had to keep breaking on down-hills). At the cafe stop I tried to join in with conversations but was definitely excluded and made to feel unwelcome.
I've not been with them since.
I do want a newer, lighter ride but enjoy riding on my own more than being ignored by a group with better more expensive gear than me.
It's about the cycling.

It is unlikely a lighter newer bike would speed you up much more, improved fitness will work better and cheaper. Many a good tune and all that.