Is it illegal for me to hack my neighbour to death?

[XmisterIS]

I plan to go postal on him and hack him to death using the blunt end of a potato masher ...

The reason?

He moved in about 6 months back and has, since that time, made sure that pretty much every day he is making some kind of banging/grinding/drilling noise while I am trying to work and periodically has workmen round who variously block the driveways of myself and the other neighbours.

I gather that he is something of a DIY "enthusiast", although having seen a little of his work, the name "Heath Robinson" springs to mind. The slightly scary thing though is that despite his apparent lack of skill, he seemingly has no reservations about taking on major building work!!!!

 

[zacklaws]

If you'd have said he moved in about 3 years ago, then I would presume that you live two doors away on the opposite side of my neighbour, but you don't, but I symphatise with you as I have exactly the same problems, bloody DIYers. I've lost count of the amount of sheds he has built in his garden along with fencing etc, its non stop from about 0800 to 1700 most days or banging about with cars. Even his phone starts ringing just gone 0600 and why he has to shout down the phone, I do not know why.

As I am a shift worker he is a bloody nuisance when I'm on nights. They even had the nerve to come round banging on my door on two occasions to complain my TV's too loud, and that's at 2100, which oddly enough is the time he goes to bed and he then gets up at 0500 clattering about. As for getting blocked in your drive, that drives me loopy, I spent a fortune on getting a drive built and then I get blocked in my own drive as they seem to think they have a right to park anywhere. On one occasion I started scrapping with a contractor after they refused to move there van to allow me out my drive, told me to "f**k off, slammed the door in my face, so I saw red.

But he has one good use, when I come in tanked up at some unknown time, I always slam my door about 4 times to wake him up, then next time he sees me, he tells me what time I came in so then I know too. He even complains if I bang my head on wall getting into bed in the dark, tells me that he heard me fall out of bed, nosey Ba****d

On one Sunday afternoon, he was having a little party in his garden, usually he's hammering away at something, and I heard him say how peacefull and quiet it is, I went loopy, got a scaffold pipe and my lump hammer and brayed hell out of the pipe, eventually he went indoors, so I had got a bit more revenge.

And I agree, they do need hacking to death.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Get him to build himself one of these in the garden...

 

[dan_bo]

Could you not make it look like an unfortunate accident?

 

[phil_hg_uk]

In may my neighbour decided he was going to dig up his back garden, drive and front garden and this he did so on a sunday morning at 7am I awoke to the sound of a HUGE drill and a small JCB in the back garden just outside my bedroom window and this continued for the entire day.

This however is nothing to what happened the next day on bank holiday monday:

yes folks that huge truck turned up to take away the dug up drive and this picture was taken at 10:46 in
the morning on a bank holiday monday ................... what a tosser.

I should also point out that this is the day they hold a gala at the school just up the road and so people
need to get up and down this road and also park on this road that is when there isnt a HUGE truck parked
in the middle of it.

 

[rualexander]

My neighbour is a retired builder of some kind and for the past six years that we have been in this house he has been more or less incessantly DIY-ing. Most things he does seem to consist of constant tap-tap-tap-tapping with a hammer which transmits through the walls.
He has built a huge shed in his garden which he rarely uses, preferring instead to set up his workbench in the garden and start up his grinder just when I'm trying to have a kip or a relaxing bath.
He's laid slabs, laid grass, had the walls roughcast, more tap-tap-tapping, his latest project which has taken most of the last six months has been cleaning his roof tiles by scrape-scrape-scrape-scraping them individually with some metal tool.
Usually he's at it for most of the day until it gets dark.
I don't know why he retired.
On top of that he's pretty deaf and has his tv blaring til well after midnight!

 

[dellzeqq]

In may my neighbour decided he was going to dig up his back garden, drive and front garden and this he did so on a sunday morning at 7am I awoke to the sound of a HUGE drill and a small JCB in the back garden just outside my bedroom window and this continued for the entire day.

This however is nothing to what happened the next day on bank holiday monday:

yes folks that huge truck turned up to take away the dug up drive and this picture was taken at 10:46 in
the morning on a bank holiday monday ................... what a tosser.

I should also point out that this is the day they hold a gala at the school just up the road and so people
need to get up and down this road and also park on this road that is when there isnt a HUGE truck parked
in the middle of it.

seems pretty reasonable to me. Less traffic on a Bank Holiday, and he has the day off....

the thing is, with all these cases - was there a conversation beforehand or during?

 

[Sh4rkyBloke]

To the OP - yes it is illegal to hack your neighbour to death... however, a cunning way around this is to engineer a situation whereby he is on or near to a bike, and then simply run him over. At worst you will get a ticking off, a £30 fine and maybe your lunch delayed by an hour or so.

 

[Black Sheep]

contact local council
- environmental health
-- noise team

keep reporting it until something happens.

it's now an offense for my neighbours to be creating a nuisance noise

 

[Davidc]

If Sh4rkyBloke's method doesn't appeal and you decide to hack him to death you can try extenuating circumstances as an excuse at your trial, and if that fails plead insanity. The court's bound to believe you're insane if you tell them you ride a bike regularly on the road.

 

[phil_hg_uk]

seems pretty reasonable to me. Less traffic on a Bank Holiday, and he has the day off....

the thing is, with all these cases - was there a conversation beforehand or during?

There was no warning before or during also as far as I can tell that would be classed as a
building site as there were contractors on site with a lorry several vans and a small JCB and
according to the council website this is not allowed on a sunday or bank holiday not that
he gives a toss about that mind you.

As far as there been less traffic there is more traffic around on that day any other day of the
year due to the gala been held in the next street.

 

[Sh4rkyBloke]

If Sh4rkyBloke's method doesn't appeal and you decide to hack him to death you can try extenuating circumstances as an excuse at your trial, and if that fails plead insanity. The court's bound to believe you're insane if you tell them you ride a bike regularly on the road.

Whoah, easy tiger... I was just making a suggestion!!!

 

[jack the lad]

If you do hack him to death - make sure you muffle the sound of the screams so as not to disturb the neighbours.

 

[661-Pete]

Find out whether he's either a Scotsman or a Welshman.

If a Scotsman, equip both him and yourself with bow and arrows. Send him to York on some pretext or other, and follow him there. Then you may legally shoot him.

If he is Welsh, follow the same procedure, but this time go to Chester. And it has to be after midnight.

Good luck!

 

[Arch]

Find out whether he's either a Scotsman or a Welshman.

If a Scotsman, equip both him and yourself with bow and arrows. Send him to York on some pretext or other, and follow him there. Then you may legally shoot him.

If he is Welsh, follow the same procedure, but this time go to Chester. And it has to be after midnight.

Good luck!

Reading that link, it seems the Scotsman must be carrying a bow and arrow. And I thought he had to be wearing a kilt.

However, if you go with this, and can't get to York yourself, let me know...