Headgardener
Armchair Cyclist
Do we have a scale fo punishments?
Short story in paperback for minor offences, major novel in hardback for more serious and a full set of encyclopedias for the worst offences
And for anything above manslaugher one of those really big lecturn bibles. They weigh about 1/2cwt so should do a bit of damage.
Oh and hope the cyclist is OK.