So...this morning, having enjoyed a cup of coffee bought for me by our fave Bike Cop (post Leveson I’m not allowed to buy), I was waiting at a red light when a chap on a touring bike pops up, helmet and beard denoting a degree of cycling seriousness, and hands me a card. It’s from these guys www.londonersonbiikes.org . I turn it over, and it’s got three crosses in boxes, and beside those three crosses, three statements
1. I want Londoners to be safe on bikes
2. Transport is the one thing the Mayor really controls
3. So I’m voting with my bike on 3 May 2012
Well, setting aside number 2 being wrong.... number 1 strikes me as twattery of a high order. Not unique twattery of course, because the LCC’s head office, the entirely risible CEGB, and half a dozen of the cycleblogerati are telling us that riding a bike in London is simply suicidal. Squish! Squash! That’s another one down, and ain’t it awful. So I handed the card back and said I’d be voting for Ken. To which this bearded plank says ‘Ken’s done nothing for cyclists’.
Well, excuse me, but I seem to remember two hundred million quid being thrown at LCN+ because that was what the LCC asked for. Of course they’re now asking for something else entirely, having neatly overlooked the obvious, which is that their brainchild turned out to be useless. Not, by the way, that I’m making a big point about Ken and cycling, because however much I despise the egregious Johnson, he too has thrown really big money at cycling, and is continuing to do so in the shape of Cycling Superhighways (which the LCC wanted as well) and the Barclays hire bikes (LCC ditto). In fact if you add it all up I reckon that nigh on £300million has been lavished on cycling in London, which equates to something over a grand for every regular cyclist.
Anyroadup, apparently two thousand cyclists have promised to vote the way that ‘londonersonbikes’ decides to direct them. Now I could simply curl my lip in the direction of those who are willing to take directions on how to vote, but, hey, it’s their vote.....the really, really startling thing is that Beardybloke thought I would be impressed by this. Two thousand votes? No candidate worth his or her salt would scratch their arse for two thousand votes. Then again, the LCC, fresh from their damp squib of a protest at Blackfriars, is bigging up the ‘Go Dutch’ petition by telling us that they’ve got ten thousand signatures. Well, here’s the deal...........
Ten thousand signatures do not buy another two hundred million quids worth of Dutch cycle lanes any more than two thousand signatures gets you a bike shed. Cycling campaigners in London had better wake up and smell the coffee – we are, pound for vote, the most pampered bunch in the entire capital, albeit that the pampering was of our own design and crap.
Not that the LCC are the worst of the bunch – far from it. The CEGB wants entirely separate cycle lanes at a cost that would be measured in billions. David (Beardy) Hembrow is spitting tacks at the LCC because their ‘Go Dutch’ campaign is insufficiently Dutch (and he’s plagiarised the LCC’s illustrations to prove it).
Anything anybody can provide, at whatever cost, is simply not good enough for London’s cycle campaigners who, if the truth were known, will not be satisfied until all ‘vehicular cyclists’ are shot and all bikes confined to bike lanes which will be so wide that half of London will have to be flattened to make way from them (here, for ‘Teef’s benefit is Superstudio’s take on cycle paths...)
Does any of this matter? Not really..... Those craaazzzzy ‘vehiculars’ still swan down CS7 on bikes of varying quality, knees akimbo, buttcracks popping out of the tops of their jeans, spokes jingling like a marimba band. Cycling is simply happening, much to the dismay of the sturm und drangists.
Like I said, Ken and Johnson are going to look at two thousand votes and scarcely trouble to disguise their indifference. The ten thousand LCC signatories will move on to petitions new.
But......... then again, perhaps it does matter just a little bit, because perhaps in presuming far, far too much the LCC has shot itself, and London’s cyclists in the foot....
You see, the sad truth is that while cycling can be taken for granted by all the candidates, cyclists can’t take the candidates for granted. Collecting a pitiful ten thousand signatures is akin to writing ‘we really, really don’t matter’ in big fat letters on your own forehead. Collect one hundred thousand, and you’ve got a party, but ten thousand gets you a Christmas card from Paddick, the Greens and the BNP. Let’s face it – we are not electorally threatening, and anything that happens after the election will be down to the winning candidate deciding, off his or her own bat, that cycling should be supported. Johnson now appreciates how electorally worthless cyclists are – all those hire bikes, all that blue tarmac and those that can be bothered to express an opinion are still weeping and wailing. Ken, who knows full well that the big transport story is the bus, can afford to shrug his shoulders. Given TfL’s shrinking budget, courting London’s cyclists at hellacious expense is over.
So, beardyboys, if you can’t actually pull off a campaign that is big, just keep quiet, and, if it’s not too much trouble or too demeaning, have the goodness to say ‘thank you’ to two candidates, who, for reasons entirely of their own making, have done their best for cycling. And, next time you’re waiting at a red light with thirty or forty other cyclists, look around you and ask yourself what these people know that you don’t. And remember the wise words of Schopenhauer - beards are a form of disguise and should be suppressed by the police.
1. I want Londoners to be safe on bikes
2. Transport is the one thing the Mayor really controls
3. So I’m voting with my bike on 3 May 2012
Well, setting aside number 2 being wrong.... number 1 strikes me as twattery of a high order. Not unique twattery of course, because the LCC’s head office, the entirely risible CEGB, and half a dozen of the cycleblogerati are telling us that riding a bike in London is simply suicidal. Squish! Squash! That’s another one down, and ain’t it awful. So I handed the card back and said I’d be voting for Ken. To which this bearded plank says ‘Ken’s done nothing for cyclists’.
Well, excuse me, but I seem to remember two hundred million quid being thrown at LCN+ because that was what the LCC asked for. Of course they’re now asking for something else entirely, having neatly overlooked the obvious, which is that their brainchild turned out to be useless. Not, by the way, that I’m making a big point about Ken and cycling, because however much I despise the egregious Johnson, he too has thrown really big money at cycling, and is continuing to do so in the shape of Cycling Superhighways (which the LCC wanted as well) and the Barclays hire bikes (LCC ditto). In fact if you add it all up I reckon that nigh on £300million has been lavished on cycling in London, which equates to something over a grand for every regular cyclist.
Anyroadup, apparently two thousand cyclists have promised to vote the way that ‘londonersonbikes’ decides to direct them. Now I could simply curl my lip in the direction of those who are willing to take directions on how to vote, but, hey, it’s their vote.....the really, really startling thing is that Beardybloke thought I would be impressed by this. Two thousand votes? No candidate worth his or her salt would scratch their arse for two thousand votes. Then again, the LCC, fresh from their damp squib of a protest at Blackfriars, is bigging up the ‘Go Dutch’ petition by telling us that they’ve got ten thousand signatures. Well, here’s the deal...........
Ten thousand signatures do not buy another two hundred million quids worth of Dutch cycle lanes any more than two thousand signatures gets you a bike shed. Cycling campaigners in London had better wake up and smell the coffee – we are, pound for vote, the most pampered bunch in the entire capital, albeit that the pampering was of our own design and crap.
Not that the LCC are the worst of the bunch – far from it. The CEGB wants entirely separate cycle lanes at a cost that would be measured in billions. David (Beardy) Hembrow is spitting tacks at the LCC because their ‘Go Dutch’ campaign is insufficiently Dutch (and he’s plagiarised the LCC’s illustrations to prove it).
Anything anybody can provide, at whatever cost, is simply not good enough for London’s cycle campaigners who, if the truth were known, will not be satisfied until all ‘vehicular cyclists’ are shot and all bikes confined to bike lanes which will be so wide that half of London will have to be flattened to make way from them (here, for ‘Teef’s benefit is Superstudio’s take on cycle paths...)
Does any of this matter? Not really..... Those craaazzzzy ‘vehiculars’ still swan down CS7 on bikes of varying quality, knees akimbo, buttcracks popping out of the tops of their jeans, spokes jingling like a marimba band. Cycling is simply happening, much to the dismay of the sturm und drangists.
Like I said, Ken and Johnson are going to look at two thousand votes and scarcely trouble to disguise their indifference. The ten thousand LCC signatories will move on to petitions new.
But......... then again, perhaps it does matter just a little bit, because perhaps in presuming far, far too much the LCC has shot itself, and London’s cyclists in the foot....
You see, the sad truth is that while cycling can be taken for granted by all the candidates, cyclists can’t take the candidates for granted. Collecting a pitiful ten thousand signatures is akin to writing ‘we really, really don’t matter’ in big fat letters on your own forehead. Collect one hundred thousand, and you’ve got a party, but ten thousand gets you a Christmas card from Paddick, the Greens and the BNP. Let’s face it – we are not electorally threatening, and anything that happens after the election will be down to the winning candidate deciding, off his or her own bat, that cycling should be supported. Johnson now appreciates how electorally worthless cyclists are – all those hire bikes, all that blue tarmac and those that can be bothered to express an opinion are still weeping and wailing. Ken, who knows full well that the big transport story is the bus, can afford to shrug his shoulders. Given TfL’s shrinking budget, courting London’s cyclists at hellacious expense is over.
So, beardyboys, if you can’t actually pull off a campaign that is big, just keep quiet, and, if it’s not too much trouble or too demeaning, have the goodness to say ‘thank you’ to two candidates, who, for reasons entirely of their own making, have done their best for cycling. And, next time you’re waiting at a red light with thirty or forty other cyclists, look around you and ask yourself what these people know that you don’t. And remember the wise words of Schopenhauer - beards are a form of disguise and should be suppressed by the police.
