Any good jokes ... ?

[Chromatic]

This is my all time favourite one of that sort of thing. Supposedly said in court, I really do hope it is true.

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Smokin Joe]

I'm still bitter about the guy who got me sacked from the police. I knocked on his door and, as soon as he opened it, I said, "What do you call a man with a car on his head?"

He smiled and replied, "Jack," and we both laughed.

Then I went on, "Actually, his name is Chris; your son Chris - he was run over and killed at a zebra crossing."

The miserable bastard reported me to the Independent Police Complaints Committee.

 

[Smokin Joe]

We were out shopping today when Mrs SJ gave me a nudge and said, "Look over there, that bloke at the bus stop's got seven fingers."

It was a Jamaican eating a Twix bar.

 

[Darius_Jedburgh]

Careful.....the virtue signallers will be on to you

 

[Chris S]

We were out shopping today when Mrs SJ gave me a nudge and said, "Look over there, that bloke at the bus stop's got seven fingers."

It was a Jamaican eating a Twix bar.

WElcome to jamaica have a Nice DaY

 

[raleighnut]

We were out shopping today when Mrs SJ gave me a nudge and said, "Look over there, that bloke at the bus stop's got seven fingers."

It was a Jamaican eating a Twix bar.

That wasn't even funny in 1971.

 

[Cavalol]

Yorkshire proofreaders - fighting the war on t'error.

 

[Arjimlad]

My wife's run off with a tractor salesman !

She left me a John Deere letter

 

[Beebo]

A cut & paste job, but I thought it was funny - these are actual complaints received by a British Holiday Tour Company

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

That wouldn’t look out of place in the letters page of Viz.
they have to be taking the p.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

That wouldn’t look out of place in the letters page of Viz.
they have to be taking the p.

I have genuinely heard people complaining about too many Spanish in hotels in Spain and that taxi drivers should pass an English test before getting their licence in Madrid.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife's insisting she doesn't want to go to an 80's themed fancy dress party, but I remain adamant.

 

[Cavalol]

Wildebeest for sale, £750.
Like Gnu.

 

[The Central Scrutinizer]

I bumped into my doctor in town and I asked him about my test results.
He told me that it wasn't ethical to say, as he had just left the practice to take up a new post as district coroner.
"So you won't be seeing me again?", I asked.
"Of course I will, in about a month", he replied.

 

[Cavalol]

Word is that Ru Paul is marrying Olly Murs. It’s only what I’ve heard.