Any good jokes ... ?

[raleighnut]

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The Sweet Shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.

Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the
liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

[machew]

So I said to Jose Mourinho ‘What started in Portugal, went to London was very successful and now is in Manchester"
"Nandos"

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

I was in the greengrocers the other day and I was sure I could hear the Bee Gees playing.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

 

[Hitchington]

I was in the greengrocers the other day and I was sure I could hear the Bee Gees playing.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

I've herb that one before

 

[Markymark]

I've herb that one before

Yeah but it was quite some thyme ago.

 

[AndyRM]

So I said to Jose Mourinho ‘What started in Portugal, went to London was very successful and now is in Manchester"
"Nandos"

Sorry to ruin your joke, but Nando's started in South Africa.

 

[Leaway2]

Sorry to ruin your joke, but Nando's started in South Africa.

Them South Africans, cumin over here...........!

 

[Mr Celine]

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don't notice when you replace a word with the name of a musical instrument.

 

[machew]

A buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor and tells him to "make me one with everything."
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."
The Buddhist pulls out his Glock from under his robe, points it at the vendor, and says, "My change, now". The vendor says, "What happened to inner peace?" The Buddhist says, "This is my inner piece".

 

[machew]

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

 

[mrcunning]

I've been watching university challenge on bbc 2 now for 40years and still not got one question right , I think I've been unlucky with the questions

 

[theclaud]

‏HER: He won't stop pretending he's a DJ
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *leans into mic* That was the smooth silky sound of Karen and the Liars

@dafloydsta

 

[Arjimlad]

On opening the fridge, I heard a raspy whisper from the salad drawer but it was just a hoarse radish.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

‏HER: He won't stop pretending he's a DJ
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *leans into mic* That was the smooth silky sound of Karen and the Liars

@dafloydsta

Which reminds me, I took my girlfriend to the therapist the other day to help deal with her Tourettes... turns out she doesn't actually have it and basically she just thinks I'm a f*&£@*% @&*t

 

[Hitchington]

I went into a fancy dress shop yesterday to buy a Dracula costume.
The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt.
"I think you misheard me", I said. "I said I wanted to look like a Count..."