Why am I farting so much...?...SERIOUSLY!

[Saluki]

a) see your doctor

b) don't let them linger - carry matches and light a match after the event - wave the lit match in the air to spare your poor Mum and sister the lingering gas! (No explosion will occur!)

Seriously?
Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?

 

[Gravity Aided]

Its a phenomenon that all new cyclists go through due to saddle chafing and overstimulating the rectal muscles causing them to spasm occasionally to in effect reset themselves as they too adjust to the rigours of cycling, kind of like your leg muscles aching the day after a long ride. The smell is due to the lower bowel having not had time to filter the gas out of and back into the bowel to make it less pungent, (passing the worst elements into your bladder to be expelled less smellily in the urine) before the gas is expelled by the rectal spasming. You'll find it goes away after 18months or so but don't try and light them the elements that cause odour are also rather incendiary.

Methane and Hydrogen are the two combustible ingredients. Volatile sulphur compounds produce the smell. Hydrogen sulphide, methyl mercaptan, dimethyl sulphide, dimethyl bisulphide, and dimethyl trisulphide also play a role.

 

[Gravity Aided]

Seriously?
Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?

In college, I saw this done, and it set the fellow's pants alight

 

[byegad]

I hope we are all taking the OP's post seriously.

This is a problem not to be sniffed at after all.

 

[Ganymede]

Seriously?
Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?

Seriously. Wave the lit match around at bum height in the vicinity of the recent eructation. Don't try to light the actual emerging fart, or tragedy could ensue. Not sure if a lighter works as well as a match - could be that the striking of the phosphorus sets up a rival, but more acceptable, stench.

Seen it done with an over-fragrant Alsatian; done it m'self; works in lavs if you've excelled yourself. Not recommended in small spaces with fire alarms.

 

[raleighnut]

Seriously. Wave the lit match around at bum height in the vicinity of the recent eructation. Don't try to light the actual emerging fart, or tragedy could ensue. Not sure if a lighter works as well as a match - could be that the striking of the phosphorus sets up a rival, but more acceptable, stench.

Seen it done with an over-fragrant Alsatian; done it m'self; works in lavs if you've excelled yourself. Not recommended in small spaces with fire alarms.

Or spacesuits,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Cheers Billy

 

[Ganymede]

Or spacesuits,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Cheers Billy

But imagine... suffocating farts fill spacesuit... wearer collapses... somebody has to open the spacesuit to rescue him...

Sequel to Gravity, right there. *sits back, awaits phonecall from Hollywood*

 

[tyred]

I'm like the queen. I don't fart. EVER ...........

Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.

 

[welsh dragon]

Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.

Absolutely, as do I.

 

[raleighnut]

But imagine... suffocating farts fill spacesuit... wearer collapses... somebody has to open the spacesuit to rescue him...

Sequel to Gravity, right there. *sits back, awaits phonecall from Hollywood*

It was a classic Parkinson moment, apparently one of Micheals favourites.

 

[Ian A]

I used to fart like a trooper. I had wholegrain everything for breakfast, lunch and bread with a cooked meal. I read up on IBS for a relative and cutting out certain foods and I thought I would give this a try. I pretty much stopped farting immediately. I did eat epic amounts of the stuff though. Refined flour products don't have the same effect on me but I rarely eat those. I get my carbs from fruit, veg and rice now and it's not an issue. If I was trying to be contentious I could say that I also checked to see if I was missing any nutrients I couldn't get in other foods by cutting out breakfast cereals, wholegrain bread and pasta. This was not the case.

 

[Asa Post]

Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.

In days of yore it was a mark of social superiority to have good-looking servants. The best of all would usually be required to walk directly behind the master/mistress on public outings. As said servants didn't appear to have any other function, they became known as "fartcatchers".

 

[shouldbeinbed]

with the exception of th bit that causes the odour is incendiary.

in past moments of stupidity I have lit them and burnt the hair on my upper thighs .

I could quote spike milligan , but for those who are really just big kids ( most Males from 18 up to 118 according to my wife) have a google and a giggle

the best lies always have a nugget of truth.

I've seen them lit but never dared try myself, I fear it'd start a bush fire (IGMC)

 

[Ganymede]

the best lies always have a nugget of truth.

I've seen them lit but never dared try myself, I fear it'd start a bush fire (IGMC)

Take a bath. Light the bubbles as they pop. Fire-free fun!

 

[subaqua]

Take a bath. Light the bubbles as they pop. Fire-free fun!

a bit like a human carbide lamp then ( calcium Carbide in water releases acetylene gas )