What's the best (non-sweary) insult you ever heard?

[Hover Fly]

Excuse me, but you give me nightmares.

 

[JtB]

You have a high weight to common sense ratio.

 

[ComedyPilot]

'You son of a trainee accountant and a kitchen salesman"

 

[Enid Agnus Dei]

You have a face like an explosion at a sewage farm....

Hope you rabbit dies and you can't sell the hutch....

You are a knockneedknackeredoldnosebag!

 

[EltonFrog]

"But Lord McAlpine's barrister, Sir Edward Garnier QC, said only "a moron in a hurry" or an "anchorite in a sealed cave" would have been unfamiliar with the context in which the tweet was published."

 

[Kamakazerider]

I loved this one from one workmates about another
If brains were bollocks he'd be a eunuch!

 

[goo_mason]

One of my teachers at High School used to run through a few of the 'If brains were made of..' insults when shouting at us kids:

"If brains were made of dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose".

"If brains were made of chocolate, you wouldn't have enough to fill a Smartie".

And then there was his other favourite:

"You're a few cells short of an amoeba".

 

[PaulSecteur]

I can tell you have spent a lot of money on top class make up and purfume.

Yet despite that you are still ugly and smell.

 

[Beeankey]

Worked with a really fat guy who was actually a rather nasty guy with a real attitude and chip on his shoulder.

He put down a guy in a meeting for no reason whatsoever other than sheer nastiness.

The guy didn't take it and the following ensued.

Good guy - well I don't understand the reason for that comment

Fat guy - well I'm entitled to my opinion and its your problem you don't like my opinion

Good guy - well at least I don't have a problem with my feet

Fat guy - eh I don't have a problem with my feet

Good guy - yes you do as you evidently can't walk by a Greggs

Ha ha ha

 

[Profpointy]

Said by my Chemistry teacher in frustration to a classmate of mine..

"Jonanthan, you're just a waste of chemicals"

to be fair to him, he was perfectly bright lad, but wasn't exactly applying himself to A level Chemistry, which he dropped soon after.

 

[MontyVeda]

"Who pissed in your gene pool?" is one i'd like to use more often.

 

[ColinJ]

To be used as an aside to the one other person in the group not talking b***ocks - "It's time for another exciting game of 'Spot The Braincell'!

 

[MontyVeda]

...
BTW, do girls really use chat up lines like that? ...

no idea... but my "Hey lady, do you want to go halves on a b@stard?" has never worked*


*admittedly, I've never tried it

 

[Glow worm]

Listening to the cricket over the weekend, a commentator mentioned the famous insult from a few years back aimed at Phil Tufnell who was fielding, by an Austrailian cricket fan in the crowd nearby.

'Hey Tuffers - lend us your brain, we're building an idiot'!

 

[Amanda P]

I rather liked the following, quoted in Steven Pinker's book 'The seven words you can't say on television', attributed to Lyndon Johnson speaking of a particularly dim aide:

"He wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel".

(The book's well worth a read, by the way).