What's the best (non-sweary) insult you ever heard?

[Foghat]

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse."

Groucho Marx to the statuesque Margaret Dumont in A Day at the Races.

 

[vernon]

To anyone who is moaning on incessantly:

Here's 20p, go and call someone who gives a toss.

I said that and the moaner, a friend and colleague of mine, burst into tears.

I felt awful.

 

[Andy_R]

a couple....."he's as keen as custard", and "he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down"

 

[Dayvo]

Coming home on the train from London with a mate many years ago, the long seat we wanted to sit down on was occupied by some drunked-up suit lying down. When my mate, politely, asked him to sit properly so we could sit down he gave some bolshy answer.

Quick as a flash my mate said 'If ignorance is bliss, then you must be ecstatic.' The suit's look was pricelsss.

 

[Foghat]

"Your majesty is like a stream of bat's p1ss."

Quickly rescued, of course, with:
"I merely meant, your majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark..............."

 

[Peteaud]

I
Tell the lemon story!

What is the lemon story, i am in suspense now.

 

[Foghat]

"Your mouthwash ain't making it."

Clint being insubordinate in The Enforcer.

 

[Night Train]

Tell the lemon story!

A trainer I knew described a women he met on a training course as being:
"so sour faced that if she sucked on a lemon, the lemon would go (the sound you make when you've sucked on something really sour!)"

Who would you write that sound?

 

[Arch]

A trainer I knew described a women he met on a training course as being:
"so sour faced that if she sucked on a lemon, the lemon would go (the sound you make when you've sucked on something really sour!)"

Who would you write that sound?

Twsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh.

Or something like that.

 

[Ghost Donkey]

I once heard a man describe a woman as being "so ugly it looks like someone set fire to her face and put it out with a brick". Not nice but I laughed. A lot. I'm a bad man.

 

[The Jogger]

The last time I had a conversation like this was in the school playground.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

If your brain exploded, the smoke wouldn't reach your ears

 

[Archie_tect]

I said that and the moaner, a friend and colleague of mine, burst into tears.

I felt awful.

It's the way you tell 'em Vern.

 

[Archie_tect]

Someone, I think it was Groucho, was told by an irate dinner guest,"If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink!"
To which he replied, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

 

[buggi]

after a driver told me he gave me "plenty of room" i retaliated by saying "really? well ask your wife, i'm sure she'd confirm that 2 inches is not enough".

i was proud of that one all day