What's the best (non-sweary) insult you ever heard?

[captain nemo1701]

From the 2003 movie The Core:

Scientist Dr Brazzleton meets his former research associate, Dr Zimsky, after 20 years. Zimsky lights up a cigarette as he walks towards Brazz:

Zimsky: Hello Brazz...

Brazzleton: Why the hell aren't you dead yet?.

 

[Yellow Fang]

An actress called Mrs Campbell suggested to George Bernard Shaw that they have a child so that it could inherit his brains and her beauty. Shaw replied, "But have you considered that it might inherit my beauty and your brains?"

Apparently Mrs Campbell was a woman GBS was very friendly with, so I don't suppose it was meant very cruelly.

 

[fossyant]

BTW, do girls really use chat up lines like that? I thought that only happened in american sitcoms and porn!

Yup, from scroungers !

The joiner (late 50's) we had round was telling us about an 'experience' he had recently. Had gone into a club to collect his daughter. Whilst waiting for his daughter to finish chatting, he went on ordered an orange juice. Some young lass comes up and asks if he would but her a drink. He refused, and she asked to take a sip of his drink. She did so, and said "ergh what's this ?".... "Orange" was his reply.

 

[Shortmember]

"Why do you bother with fancy diets; if you want to lose ten pounds of ugly fat quickly just cut your head off" .

 

[Archie_tect]

A friend once said to me, "My, you look smart today!" I asked, "Don't I always?"...

 

[pplpilot]

You couldn't punch putty any uglier.

 

[Globalti]

There's a passage I enjoyed in Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About The Bike, describing a race in Spain or Italy early in Armstrong's career. Against team orders LA bridges the gap and catches up with the group containing the local alpha-male prima donna who is going to be allowed to win his home stage, as he always does. PD turns round to LA and asks: "What the hell are you doing up here Smith?" - or some other wrong name. LA snarls back: "F**k you Marinetti" or some other wrong name and sets off into the distance, far too early. A desperate sprint ensues, which Armstrong wins, the PD coming in second. At the prize ceremony the Prima Donna refuses to step up and share the podium with LA and LA admits that "In all my racing career I have never been paid such an eloquent or effective insult."

 

[Glow worm]

The oldest one in the book probably but I always liked- 'If it's a battle of wits you're after- forget it. I never fight an unarmed man'.

And about someone one might describe as a sandwich short... - 'the barriers are down but there's no sign of a train'.

 

[Leaway2]

Being six foot two and a rather slim build during my late teenage years it was commented by a neighbour that they had seen more meat on a butchers pencil.

It was always "on Lester Piggotts whip" when I was a lad, but sadly, never about me.

 

[ianrauk]

I was in a business meeting.

The chap I was meeting called in one of his managers and started ribbing him. The manager said, straight off the cuff, "Hey, if you carry on embarrassing me in front of your friends, then I will get some of my friends down here and embarrass you in front of them".

Made us all laugh..

 

[swee'pea99]

From the 2003 movie The Core:

Scientist Dr Brazzleton meets his former research associate, Dr Zimsky, after 20 years. Zimsky lights up a cigarette as he walks towards Brazz:

Zimsky: Hello Brazz...

Brazzleton: Why the hell aren't you dead yet?.

I think it was one of Woody Allen's that featured an ageing actor who's just been told that his agent no longer wants to represent him...as he's leaving, the agent says condescendingly...'and if there's anything I can do', to which the actor responds, in a very mild, anything but aggressive tone: 'Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.'

 

[colly]

'Must be your turn to use the family brain cell'

 

[TVC]

To anyone who is moaning on incessantly:

Here's 20p, go and call someone who gives a toss.

 

[Arch]

And about someone one might describe as a sandwich short..

I like to mix my metaphors on purpose, and if referring to some one who is less than lightning intellectual I use "not the sharpest brick in the picnic", which generally elicits a double take from anyone listening...

One of my favorites is the one directed at some of the race goers of York.
"Mutton dressed as Pig!"

A memorable attempt directed at me, when chastising some youths for urinating on the front of my neighbours house.
"...and stop talking posh at me!"

Tell the lemon story!

 

[TVC]

If you had two brain cells they'd only argue.