What's the best (non-sweary) insult you ever heard?

[swee'pea99]

Reading the thread about the alleged twitterer who knocked off a cyclist, I came across Arch's "I came out with "a face like a slapped bulldog's arse" yesterday", and it reminded me of a teenage boy in a movie I once saw telling another "If I was a dog and had a face like yours I'd shave my ass and walk backwards." Now I reckon that's setting the bar pretty high, but clear it if you can...

 

[deadpool7]

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

OK, so what if it was just quoted from a movie.

 

[Beebo]

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

OK, so what if it was just quoted from a movie.

The Holy Grail - You silly pig-dog!

 

[vernon]

You're as confused as a cow on astroturf.

 

[betty swollocks]

Transcript from US District Court, New Mexico Territory 188?, in the case of USA v Gonzalez.
I love this, it has a sort of poetry to it:-

'From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses and all nature Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, will be glad but you. You won't be here to enjoy it, because I command the sheriff or some other officer of this county to lead you out to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of a sturdy oak and let you hang until you are dead.
And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens on your filthy body until nothing remains but bare bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch.'

 

[Archie_tect]

My granny's favouriite, "If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow the top of your head off".

 

[yello]

Not pithy nor erudite, nor even an insult really, but it amuses me...

Go stick your head up a dead bear's bum.

 

[Biscuit]

'I may be drunk...but tomorrow you'll still be ugly'

 

[green1]

If brains were legs you'd be a snake.

 

[Pale Rider]

There was a civil court hearing during which a Home Office pathologist was questioned by a lawyer about when a person had died.

Things got a bit testy, and at one point the pathologist said: "I knew he was dead because his brain was in a jar on my desk."

The lawyer persisted, to which the pathologist replied: "Well, if he was still alive after that, I expect he will now be practising law somewhere."

 

[Flying_Monkey]

'I may be drunk...but tomorrow you'll still be ugly'

Churchill. But actually, Lady Astor, who he was insulting here, had a few of her own back, e.g.:

Churchill: "What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?"

Astor: "Why don't you come sober, Prime Minister"


My favourites are generally form Dorothy Parker, who had about the quickest evil wit ever - I like what she said when she heard news that President Calvin Coolidge had died, simply:

"How can they tell?"

 

[NormanD]

At a rather expensive nightclub party, at the bar awaiting to be served a rather pretty (but carrying a little excessive weight around the midriff) girl came up to zack (my work buddy) and said

HER : "Hey good looking, you gonna buy a girl a drink"
ZACK : "At these prices it would be cheaper to pay for your yearly subscription to weight watchers"

Exit one miffed nightclub goer

 

[Pale Rider]

Another one ascribed to Churchill:

"An empty taxi pulled up outside the House of Commons and Clement Atlee got out."

 

[Davidc]

From an employee to his overweight boss as he left work for the last time; "You're just a waste of an awful lot of space".

 

[pplpilot]

she/he had a face like they found a skid mark on a hotel towel...