Me too MacBludgeon! I did get a p*ncture of sorts when I first started cycling but that was down to the tyre on the second hand bike I'd just bought a few weeks earlier splitting as they were well past it. Had to take the bike in to a LBS for them to fit two new tyres - but that only happened 10 minutes walk from home.
Since then I've done 30 miles a couple of times and although I have a spare tube etc with me, I haven't a clue what I'll do if I ever get a p*ncture (apart from get my hands dirty). And if it's the rear wheel, god help me! I'm tempted to do as Ivan has just said, try it at home, but I'm too feart in case I can't get the wheel back on or something!
I hope to solve this by going on a basic bike maintenance course at some point, but really would like to find one local to me as travelling through to Edinburgh for a day isn't ideal.