Friday joke
- Thread starter fuzzy29
- Start date
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A man starts a new job as a lion tamer...
The guy asks the RingMaster for a few tips..
RM says " If the lion looks at you in anger, take a step back"
Guy says "OK. What if he still looks angry?
RM says "Take another step back"
Guy says "OK. What if he still looks angry?
RM says "Take another step back"
Guy says "OK. What if I am then backed up against the cage bars?
RM says "Pick up some shoot and throw it in the lions face"
Guy says "OK. But what if theres no shoot on the floor"
RM says "Don't worry, there will be..."
The guy asks the RingMaster for a few tips..
RM says " If the lion looks at you in anger, take a step back"
Guy says "OK. What if he still looks angry?
RM says "Take another step back"
Guy says "OK. What if he still looks angry?
RM says "Take another step back"
Guy says "OK. What if I am then backed up against the cage bars?
RM says "Pick up some shoot and throw it in the lions face"
Guy says "OK. But what if theres no shoot on the floor"
RM says "Don't worry, there will be..."
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.
So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
"NUDIST COLONY"
Go slow and watch out for the chicks
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.
So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
"NUDIST COLONY"
Go slow and watch out for the chicks
andy_wrx
Über Member
That's a morality tale, not a joke.
andy_wrx
Über Member
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
Oh my. I'm really sorry for this.
Boris Johnson's just bought this teapot. As he's leaving the shop Batman appears and socks him in the face, knocking him to the ground. A caption appears above them reading "Ta-pow!"
Boris says, "shouldn't that read Ka-pow! ?"
Batman replies, "probably...
..but you did have china in your hand"
Boris Johnson's just bought this teapot. As he's leaving the shop Batman appears and socks him in the face, knocking him to the ground. A caption appears above them reading "Ta-pow!"
Boris says, "shouldn't that read Ka-pow! ?"
Batman replies, "probably...
..but you did have china in your hand"
bugslop
New Member
- Location
- preston lancashire
Jeff and Dale, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jeff stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Jeff immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into The Worlds Best beer. The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Dale looked disgustedly at Jeff whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Dale said, "Nice going Jeff! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jeff stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Jeff immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into The Worlds Best beer. The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Dale looked disgustedly at Jeff whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Dale said, "Nice going Jeff! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."
brass monkey
New Member
Life can be tough.
[FONT="]Imagine you are a Siamese twin joined to your brother. He’s gay you’re not. He’s got a date tonight but,
you only have one arse.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Imagine you are a Siamese twin joined to your brother. He’s gay you’re not. He’s got a date tonight but,
you only have one arse.[/FONT]
col
Legendary Member
Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven,st peter asks the first nun"have you ever had contact with a penis"? she says "i touched one with my finger",st peter says "dip it in holy water" he then asks the next nun and she replied "i fondled one",he says "dip your hand in holy water" Suddenly there is a commotion,a nun has pushed to the front,st peter asks "whats up"? the nun says "if im gonna gargle that holy water,i want to do it before sister ann sticks her arse in it"
Rhythm Thief
Legendary Member
- Location
- Ross on Wye
Bit risque, this one, but never mind. You can tell me if it offends you afterwards.
A teacher decides it would be a great idea if all the children did a project about their dads' jobs. To get them into the swing of it, she asks them to come in the next day dressed in their dads' work clothes.
Now, it happems that young Johnny's dad is a welder. So, next morning he puts on a pair of overalls and one of his dad's spare welding masks and sets off to walk to school. What a nightmare - he can't see a thing. He bumps into the gateposts as he's leaving the house, he bumps into people, he bumps into lamp posts and he bumps into the headmistress who's waiting for him at the school gates because he's late. Throughout the day he bumps into teachers, desks, walls - everything.
Come hometime, little Johnny feels his way out of the classroom and goes to catch his bus. Because he still can't see anything, he misses his bus and sets off on the walk home, still bumping into stuff. A car pulls up and the man inside offers Johnny a ride. Normally, he'd never think of accepting lifts from strange men, but today he's fed up with bumping into everything, so he gets into the car and they drive off. Almost immediately the man says: "little boy, do you know anything about homosexuality?" "No" replies Johnny. After a while, the man says "do you know anything about paedophilia?" and young Johnny says "no" again. The man tries again: "do you know anything about frottage?" "No" says Johnny, "and I should be honest with you, I'm actually not a welder at all."
A teacher decides it would be a great idea if all the children did a project about their dads' jobs. To get them into the swing of it, she asks them to come in the next day dressed in their dads' work clothes.
Now, it happems that young Johnny's dad is a welder. So, next morning he puts on a pair of overalls and one of his dad's spare welding masks and sets off to walk to school. What a nightmare - he can't see a thing. He bumps into the gateposts as he's leaving the house, he bumps into people, he bumps into lamp posts and he bumps into the headmistress who's waiting for him at the school gates because he's late. Throughout the day he bumps into teachers, desks, walls - everything.
Come hometime, little Johnny feels his way out of the classroom and goes to catch his bus. Because he still can't see anything, he misses his bus and sets off on the walk home, still bumping into stuff. A car pulls up and the man inside offers Johnny a ride. Normally, he'd never think of accepting lifts from strange men, but today he's fed up with bumping into everything, so he gets into the car and they drive off. Almost immediately the man says: "little boy, do you know anything about homosexuality?" "No" replies Johnny. After a while, the man says "do you know anything about paedophilia?" and young Johnny says "no" again. The man tries again: "do you know anything about frottage?" "No" says Johnny, "and I should be honest with you, I'm actually not a welder at all."
