Friday joke

[andy_wrx]

George Bush and Dick Cheney go out for lunch at a diner near the White House.
Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad.
Bush leans over to the Waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, before the election you said that your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.
Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'

 

[col]

What do you get if you cross a yeast infection,with a country singer?




An itchy twitchy twat!

 

[Rhythm Thief]

This is nicked from C+, but since Alec's nicked my "pig I've been shagging" joke I'll post it.

Not for the easily offended!

A woman says to her husband "I bet you can't tell me something that makes me happy and sad at the same time."
Her husband thinks for a while, then says "your fanny is tighter than your sister's."

 

[got-to-get-fit]

Two very drunk men sitting at a bar,

First one pukes all down his front,"oh no he says the wifes gonna kill me look at the mess im in."
second man says "dont worry i have a plan, Take 20 quid and place it in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell the wife that some drunk bloke puked on you in the bar but pulled 20 notes out stuck it in your top pocket, appologised and said i hope this covers your dry cleaning."

"Genius!" replies the first man, "lets have a few more drinks."

3am arrives and the first man slurs "well i really mush go home im shozzled"

He arrives on the door step to be greeted by his wife who says "dear god look at the state of you, youre drunk you stink and you have puked all over yourself"

"No, no" replies the man and gives his excuse about the drunk and the £20.

The wife takes the money from his shirt pocket and says ..."but theres forty quid here not twenty!"

Oh yes replies the man "i forgot to mention he also shat in my pants!!!"

 

[Pete]

Already posted this somewhere else, but will do for a second airing...
(*looks nervously around to make sure the missus isn't watching*)
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A bloke has forgotten their wedding anniversary, as his livid wife loses no time in reminding him about it. After a few days of furious nagging, she eventually calms down a bit and says "all right, I forgive you, but for my next birthday, well there'd-better-be-something-in-the-driveway-that-goes-from-0-to-200-in-less-than-five-seconds, that's all I can say".

In due course her birthday comes around, and sure enough, there standing in the middle of the driveway all shiny new and gleaming, is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
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...a set of bathroom scales.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Nice one Pete