Do any of you....

[summerdays]

My other half took a new job this year... knowing that he might be away occasionally... so far he been to Canada (1 week), Switzerland (3 months), Germany (1 week) and the latest is that they want him to commute from Bristol to Middlesex daily for several months. I hate it when he is away, more difficult dealing with kids needing to be in different places (and bed for the youngest), and means I rely on friends alot. Also the evenings are taken up with doing all his little jobs he does as well as my own, and also chatting on Skype for an hour to him too.
He had also started commuting by bike (once a week so far), but was aiming to up it to nearly every day, I'm not sure he will feel like cycling each evening when he gets back to Parkway Station. Problem is that neither of us like it really when he is away - the odd day would be fine but not the continual interuption of family life - we are waiting to see if this year's pay rise reflects this. We didn't expect him to be away quite so much.

 

[sheddy]

K, mebbe you should think about building up your girlie support network with friends who don't mind dropping in or dropping round on the fly ?
Also how about some new hobbies, clubs or evening classes ?

 

[KitsuneAndy]

I don't, but a girl that I work with does.

Her husband is a consultant and he's away at fairly random intervals, sometimes weeks at a time, sometimes a few days a week. They always seem to be getting along fine, they just make sure they manage to get their holidays off work at the same time etc.

 

[mickle]

I dont know if this is relevant but here goes....

When my Mum and her husband returned from Africa in 1979 he found it very difficult to earn the kind of money he had been on government contract. They decided that he would take up a new contract on his own in the Sudan for six months at a time. Mum went to pieces after a few weeks, persuaded him to come back for a week but when he went back out she went to bits again. It was clear to everyone that he couldnt fly back and forth across the globe every other month but she just couldnt cope without him. Anyhoo, she ended up having a complete nervous breakdown, was in the loony bin for a couple of weeks and had a lot of counceling. It took a while. She later reckoned that everyone should have a nervous breakdown and that it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

She came to realise through counceling that she had defined herself as 'a wife'. The absence of 'husband' scared her shitless.

They bought a new larger house and mum became a foster carer. Over the years more than fifty kids came through her doors. By her own admission part of her motivation came from thinking she had screwed up with us, her own three kids, and a desire to use what she had learned to help others. He had to redefine herself.

 

[Twenty Inch]

Some of you know that Mrs TI is Russian. We had a long distance r'ship for two years, then married and lived together for a year, then we both got offered great jobs on the same day! Hurrah! In different countries! Boo!

She worked in Moscow for 6 months while I got into my new job here. It was bloody awful, much worse than when we were seeing each other before we got married. In the end she was miserable with her job, miserable at being apart, and going downhill. She jacked it in and came back as it was obviously starting to adversely affect the relationship.

In my job I travel a lot too, mostly for a week or two at a time. Between now and December I have 4 trips to Russia, Ukraine and Spain planned. She does ok, but the circumstances are different to yours, Kirstie. Shorter absences, more predictable, I'm able to give her plenty of notice, and we know it's not forever.

I think that had we not been honest with each other when she was in Moscow, our relationship would be in real trouble now. I've also seen another couple in a similar situation to yours get married, hoping that that would change the situation. As she said, they never dealt with any of the difficult issues as they didn't want to spoil their time together. It didn't work, and the marriage lasted less than a year.

I suppose my conclusions would be that if this is becoming a problem, you need to get it on the table for discussion. Otherwise it will only get worse and worse. It will take a bit of courage and you won't want to start talking about difficult issues when you've only got a week or so together before his next job, but I think you need to get it out in the open.

 

[Kirstie]

K, mebbe you should think about building up your girlie support network with friends who don't mind dropping in or dropping round on the fly ?
Also how about some new hobbies, clubs or evening classes ?

Yes I have lots of lovely friends, but many of them also have families of their own. Do lots of extra curricular stuff too (all around sport and cycling, and have met new people through it) - sometimes it works well, other times it reminds me that I'm alone. It's a funny one...

Mickle I loved your comments - really insightful, thanks.

 

[ChrisKH]

My mother went through the same in about 1976 Mickle so I sympathise. My father didn't travel a lot but was constantly at work and we rarely saw him in the week. With four kids it was too much for my mother who went to pieces, had a complete breakdown and went to the local loony bin. She had electric shock treatment, the works. She denied it later but I knew she had. She was away for about 12 weeks in the end and came back not being the same person. Suddenly she wanted to do things outside of the family sphere (which is good) but she then took a job working entire weekends and evenings which meant from our perspective she wasn't there. Fortunately I was 13-14 by then and it gave me an opportunity to be independent and rely on myself (if only I had known just how much). God knows how it affected my brothers who were younger. My sister was a rebellious 16 year old which didn't help.

Anyhoo, Kirstie my now wife had a job travelling and working late from the date of her graduation to when she had our first son 7 years ago. I spent the best part of 13 years waiting in a way for her to settle down and whilst I don't regret it, there is a part of me that wishes I had done more for me in that time. If I have any advice, it is don't forget about your life and career; he is living his. Take up a new hobby, or up the ante on those you have. Is a change in job or career necessary? I'm sure he won't expect you to just sit and wait around for him and you will have more to talk about when he is there. If your relationship is strong it will last, but make time and opportunity yourself otherwise you could end up resenting it in the future.

I hope this has come across right.

 

[barq]

That must be tough Kirstie. My sister's husband worked in the merchant navy for most of his life and when he was working in the middle east that meant he could be away for anything up to eight months at a time. I know she found this very difficult but with time built up a group of friends who she could drop in and out of - in other words they wouldn't take offence if she didn't see them much when Kevin was around, but were there for her when he wasn't. I think a big thing for her was to always have something on the horizon whether it was a weekend away or just a night out with friends.

 

[Kirstie]

Flippin 'eck ChrisKH that is harsh - thank the lord attitudes towards mental health have changed these days. I take your point about careers - mine is OK actually, in fact lots of the advice people have given on this thread have started to help me see things differently and realise what I do have. As I said earlier it's the inside of my head that needs the attention!
And yes barq my friends are very understanding about it...
TI - I missed your post before this last one and I have started to do just that, so thanks.

 

[domtyler]

If you are lonely without hubby and you are thinking of having kids then what is stopping you? That would solve the problem for the next eighteen years anyway. I love spending time with my daughter, if I could I would spend all day every day with her.

 

[Smeggers]

Also from someone who goes away a fair bit...

... Although I am sure it is harsh on whoever is left behind, I am convinced we actually talk more when I'm away. There isn't the distraction of telly, kids, chores etc, so when away you have to talk PROPERLY. In someways (to a limit) I think this can actually improve a relationship.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

mrs alecetc works evenings, so we only really have any quality time together at weekends.

gives me lots of time to watch what i want on tv and spend hours on here.

she sees her friends during the day.

i'd like to see more of her, but i can't help thinking that it might be beneficial in some way.

 

[Kirstie]

If you are lonely without hubby and you are thinking of having kids then what is stopping you? That would solve the problem for the next eighteen years anyway. I love spending time with my daughter, if I could I would spend all day every day with her.

You have to be in the presence of your partner to get pregnant...? But yes, good point.

 

[domtyler]

You have to be in the presence of your partner to get pregnant...? But yes, good point.

Not necessarily, if you need help in this department PM me, I'll do it for the train fare seeing as it's you!

 

[Kirstie]

ROFL you're too kind