wafflycat
New Member
- Location
- middle of Norfolk
Flying_Monkey said:
+1
Christmas
- Thread starter Willow
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
+1
spandex
I love Dr D
wafflycat you are right but in both of my big splits I've had 1st my GF (who I have the kids with) I've all ways tried to be civil but in doing so it has left me on the back foot and she is all ways digging at me about things. 2nd My soon to be ex wife trying to be civil with her has cost me £12000, A lot of very close friends and in some ways my sanity. Even now my hands are tried over a lot of things and she is free of it all and is trying to get the last thing she needs with a so called friend of mine.
So being civil Na do what you have to do to get your sanity back.
So being civil Na do what you have to do to get your sanity back.
I agree with Spandex. You need to stick up for yourself and do what's right for you otherwise you risk losing your sanity. Accept that things are going to be rough for a while but you should eventually come out of the other side and be able to have a civil relationship. I was too nice to my ex and let him continue to live in my house after we split up while he bought a place of his own and we both agree now that it actually caused more stress.
wafflycat
New Member
- Location
- middle of Norfolk
Being civil doesn't mean caving in to every demand. It simply means being civil, especially in front of the kids. It doesn't mean being a doormat.
Kirstie
Über Member
wafflycat said:
Good call waffly. You can be assertive and civil at the same time.
My ex has, in the past, invited me, our three children and recently our three grandchildren, to her house on Christmas Eve for a grand pressie-opening event, starring me as Father Christmas. She even invited my (current) wife! I used to go along (but my current didn't), but it all got a bit too chummy when both my ex and her sturdy partner (they are avid readers of anything published by Virago Press, if you get my drift) wanted to hug and kiss me at the end of the evening 
!!
My eldest daughter is really keen on the idea of the extended family, and so am I. Generally speaking, my ex, her SP, my current and the children can cope with celebrating things like weddings and christenings together, but the contrived jollity of these Christmas Eve events was just too much. So last year I said "NO". My children and grandchildren came round to our place on a different evening, and good fun was had by all. And I didn't have to dress up as Father Christmas, either!
Christmas is super-hyped nowadays, and anything like the real meaning behind it is lost in rampant commercialism and social pressure. Do something worthwhile this year, Willow, that will make YOU feel good about yourself.
May I be the first to wish you a Happy Christmas, and a fulfilled New Year?
Cheers
James
!!My eldest daughter is really keen on the idea of the extended family, and so am I. Generally speaking, my ex, her SP, my current and the children can cope with celebrating things like weddings and christenings together, but the contrived jollity of these Christmas Eve events was just too much. So last year I said "NO". My children and grandchildren came round to our place on a different evening, and good fun was had by all. And I didn't have to dress up as Father Christmas, either!
Christmas is super-hyped nowadays, and anything like the real meaning behind it is lost in rampant commercialism and social pressure. Do something worthwhile this year, Willow, that will make YOU feel good about yourself.
May I be the first to wish you a Happy Christmas, and a fulfilled New Year?
Cheers
James
wafflycat
New Member
- Location
- middle of Norfolk
Kirstie said:
Ta. It is, however, sometimes a bloody hard thing to do.
Kirstie
Über Member
wafflycat said:
Yes. Tis very easy to misjudge too.
But, you have to remember throughout that the children are not pawns in an adult power play game. They are little people who will probably love both parents and are confused by the break up, blaming themselves for it. It is vitally important that their opinions and views are not squashed in an attempt to challenge the 'ex'.
I was very lucky. We agreed with a shake of the hands that we would never criticise each other in front of the children. That agreement held.
I was very lucky. We agreed with a shake of the hands that we would never criticise each other in front of the children. That agreement held.
buggi said:you know what Willow... i think you are being a little too civil to be honest (hence why you might be comfort eating?) Feck them! if they don't want to come then tell them the kids can come to him on boxing day, and tell the kids they are having TWO christmas days this year. plenty of families do that. stop bending over backwards for him and pretending everything is ok. he really fecked up your life so if i were you i wouldn't be so civil, tell him you are not cooking for him and his tart, and you might find that if you start telling him where to stick it you might exercise a few demons.
just a thought... tell me to feck off if i'm out of line, but why should you always be the one to fix things? he's the one that left so tell him he's the one that has to miss out. in fact, punch him for making you eat cake!
and don't believe that crap about you not making him happy, he just couldn't keep his dick in his pants. i made my ex very happy in the bedroom, i know this, not because i'm big headed but because he told this was why he was with me, but he still couldn't keep his dick in his pants. apparently he couldn't help it "he likes sex"... well what the hell were we doing??? i'm confused. but he feels bad cheating so apparently that's ok... rant over.
god you are so good and right would that I was brave enough to tell you what was on the divorce papers - I wasn't prepared to do him so he had to make it up - weakest grounds ever I should think!
Thanks to the rest of you too. The sort of advice I would give but am finding hard to put into practise - small steps I guess.
in a way, waffly is right, its good to reach some civil ground but it sounds to me like you have not had closure with a lot of the issues.
It's not a bad thing to get angry so if you feel yourself boiling up, send the kids upstairs or out to play and let rip. after, you will prob start feeling a lot better and he will know he's a dick, and then you can start rebuilding your civil relationship and at the same time he will know he can no longer take the wee.
it takes practice willow, when you are nice person, to say what's on your mind, but next time you think it, think out loud girl!
i was civil civil civil to my ex and then one day i just let rip, and god did i feel better after, especially when he told me he couldn't disagree with anything i said.
It's not a bad thing to get angry so if you feel yourself boiling up, send the kids upstairs or out to play and let rip. after, you will prob start feeling a lot better and he will know he's a dick, and then you can start rebuilding your civil relationship and at the same time he will know he can no longer take the wee.
it takes practice willow, when you are nice person, to say what's on your mind, but next time you think it, think out loud girl!
i was civil civil civil to my ex and then one day i just let rip, and god did i feel better after, especially when he told me he couldn't disagree with anything i said.
