best mates death

[albal]

Yeah , thanks guys it s somewhat comforting to know similar tales resemble mine, even tho people have been dying since .... well since we started paying tax.
You keep the memories that's the best thing.

 

[Dave5N]

Yes, I lost my boyfriend just under two years ago, and I still miss him, although since he features in so many of my anecdotes, he's almost still here. I don't go a day without either starting a sentence "Tom and I...." or at least thinking about something we did.

Would have been his birthday on Friday, and yesterday I was down at the bike recycling project and there was the bedstead tall bike he built, hanging on the wall, and I was discussing options for the Dawes Galaxy frame they just had powdercoated for me, which he pursuaded me to buy at a Uni bike auction all those years ago and which we rebuilt together. He'll never quite go away.

No. Don't let him. Keep hold of him.

When people who are dear to us pass away, we can still keep them here in our hearts.

 

[colly]

Just to get a little maudlin here, a short while after my mum had died I was leafing through a book in my LBS (local book shop) and I came across this poem by Christina Rossetti.

[FONT=&quot]Remember[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad[/FONT]



Somehow it touched a nerve and I couldn't stop myself from crying. Fancy that huh? Grown men blubbing. Whatever next?

 

[Arch]

This one does it for me, author unknown. In the cold light of day I'd probably find most of it a bit mawkish, but it's the first and last couplets really...

“Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep”

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die. "

Oh dear. Welling up again.

If any of you get a chance, look at Micheal Rosens 'Sad Book'. I heard about this on Radio 4's Go For It, when they did a fantastic show all about bereavement, with kids who'd lost someone. Extremely sensitive, one of the best bits of radio I've ever heard. Micheal Rosen was on talking about losing his son and how he'd written this book. It's illustrated by Quentin Blake, and so perfectly captures the feeling of loss and sadness, but coupled with happy memories.

 

[gbb]

This one does it for me, author unknown. In the cold light of day I'd probably find most of it a bit mawkish, but it's the first and last couplets really...

“Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep”

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die. "

Oh dear. Welling up again.

If any of you get a chance, look at Micheal Rosens 'Sad Book'. I heard about this on Radio 4's Go For It, when they did a fantastic show all about bereavement, with kids who'd lost someone. Extremely sensitive, one of the best bits of radio I've ever heard. Micheal Rosen was on talking about losing his son and how he'd written this book. It's illustrated by Quentin Blake, and so perfectly captures the feeling of loss and sadness, but coupled with happy memories.

I had to read that at the intering (sp) of my brothers ashes Arch. My eyes are full of tears now..
When his widow said she wanted me to read it, i didnt think i could...but i only cracked once on the day. Deep breath...and on.
Those words will have special meaning forever now.

 

[Arch]

I was amazed that I could speak at my BF's funeral. It helped that I'd written a positive eulogy, so it was mostly upbeat, or as upbeat as it could be. Also, I've done so much towards organising the order of service, and music and so on, that it had become like an academic exercise.

And, bizarrely, there were things even on that day, that made us laugh. Wicker coffins creak when carried. 'Blackbird' by the Beatles has a pause in the middle that makes the next speaker think it's time, so he stands up, and then has to sit down again. Any decent number of cyclists will reduce a buffet to crumbs in a hour or so. All things he would have laughed at.

The hardest thing is seeing a special bike, or a cool car, or something on the news and thinking "oh, I must tell... oh."

 

[Kirstie]

Speaking at funerals is exceptionally hard. The key is not to look at the congregation, because you'll see everyone you care about in a state of utter grief, and it will set you off. It did me anyway. I do public speaking as part of my job and I cracked because of this.

 

[Blackandblue]

I have been moved to tears by reading this thread.

When I was at school two of my friends committed suicide. They were not friends themselves and the suicides occurred on separate occasions. I had no idea either was so low that they would do that.

I have known others who have died - not particularly close friends but it's still odd not seeing them where you expect to see them.

I am also now of an age where my elders (uncles, parents of friends, that sort of thing) are starting to pass away. Some are taken by cancer and can go quite suddenly and fairly painfully and that is hard.

But what I find most difficult to prepare myself for is my daughter. She is severely disabled. When she was born we were told she wouldn't make it beyond childhood. She is currently 9 and every day is a blessing. I try to enjoy our time with her but I feel haunted by the prospect of her passing.

We have come to know other families with children in similar positions and some of them have since passed. I haven't been able to bring myself to keep in touch with them so I haven't spoken with anyone who has been through it. My wife and I speak about it rarely and I am able to keep a stiff upper lip. I imagine I am being strong for both of us. But in private moments I am a wreck. Certain songs trigger strong emotions in me about it. This is as open as I have ever been about it. I am fighting back tears as I write.

I feel bad for writing this. Like I have hijacked the thread. But after I started I couldn't stop.

 

[GentleBenn]

I was amazed that I could speak at my BF's funeral. It helped that I'd written a positive eulogy, so it was mostly upbeat, or as upbeat as it could be. Also, I've done so much towards organising the order of service, and music and so on, that it had become like an academic exercise.

And, bizarrely, there were things even on that day, that made us laugh. Wicker coffins creak when carried. 'Blackbird' by the Beatles has a pause in the middle that makes the next speaker think it's time, so he stands up, and then has to sit down again. Any decent number of cyclists will reduce a buffet to crumbs in a hour or so. All things he would have laughed at.

The hardest thing is seeing a special bike, or a cool car, or something on the news and thinking "oh, I must tell... oh."

I know how you feel Arch, for months after my fiancee's death ,i would wake up some mornings thinking she was still alive!
The feeling when realization kicks in is horrible !
Like others have said before on this thread ,it's the little things that set you off,a song,another person looking like them,(for me the smell of honeysuckle in the summer),it's still close to the surface ,the sadness, and this was 18 years ago, I've met somebody else now and am very happy ,but you never forget !


Blackandblue,dont worry about that ,it's good to get it out,dont ever feel bad about it.

 

[colly]

I feel bad for writing this. Like I have hijacked the thread. But after I started I couldn't stop.

Don't feel bad about it. Writing things down is sometimes a good way to address things like this and maybe get to know how you really feel about something.

 

[Arch]

I feel bad for writing this. Like I have hijacked the thread. But after I started I couldn't stop.

Not at all. It's good to talk, even if the talk is via a keyboard.

There is no 'right' way to cope, I think. We are all different. For some, being strong is the only way, for some the strength is perhaps a way of avoiding breaking down, and it's the fear of losing control that is the issue. However you cope, as long as you don't hurt others, that's fine. I find it very hard to talk about it, face to face, but I can from behind a keyboard, like this, because no one can see me cry.

I'm sure you have lots of photos of your daughter, and maybe video? For a while, having video and photos kept my BF with me. The consolation of having a fragment of his voice was huge. I still have texts from him, stored on my phone (and I wrote them all down, too, in case I ever lost my phone). But you are right to treasure everyday as you have it. Telling you to try not to brood is probably pointless, but do try. Since I lost Tom, I think I've valued those around me more.

 

[gbb]

I have been moved to tears by reading this thread.

When I was at school two of my friends committed suicide. They were not friends themselves and the suicides occurred on separate occasions. I had no idea either was so low that they would do that.

I have known others who have died - not particularly close friends but it's still odd not seeing them where you expect to see them.

I am also now of an age where my elders (uncles, parents of friends, that sort of thing) are starting to pass away. Some are taken by cancer and can go quite suddenly and fairly painfully and that is hard.

But what I find most difficult to prepare myself for is my daughter. She is severely disabled. When she was born we were told she wouldn't make it beyond childhood. She is currently 9 and every day is a blessing. I try to enjoy our time with her but I feel haunted by the prospect of her passing.

We have come to know other families with children in similar positions and some of them have since passed. I haven't been able to bring myself to keep in touch with them so I haven't spoken with anyone who has been through it. My wife and I speak about it rarely and I am able to keep a stiff upper lip. I imagine I am being strong for both of us. But in private moments I am a wreck. Certain songs trigger strong emotions in me about it. This is as open as I have ever been about it. I am fighting back tears as I write.

I feel bad for writing this. Like I have hijacked the thread. But after I started I couldn't stop.

Dont feel bad...the question was asked, anyone should feel free to reply with their experiences and feelings. We share a lot of laughs and fun on this forum...its not too much to ask to have the opportunity to share some harder subjects once in a while . Might not be what people expect when they come in here, but we're all real people with real emotions.
Talk away if it frees up some emotions..its what we should all do.

 

[Crackle]

This is as open as I have ever been about it. I am fighting back tears as I write.

I feel bad for writing this. Like I have hijacked the thread. But after I started I couldn't stop.

I wish I had some wise words for you but I fear they would not be wise enough. Don't feel bad for writing that, in fact writing it down is an excellent way to deal with it. There was an article I read yesterday which may well be relevant to you and to all of us http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/feb/15/psychology-usa

Before my friend died, a few of us met in a pub and were talking about him after it had become clear to us that he was not going to make it. The sight of grown men weeping in a public house is not something you are likely to see often. It was a release we all needed.

Talk, write, whatever, you need that release too.

 

[Arch]

I wish I had some wise words for you but I fear they would not be wise enough. Don't feel bad for writing that, in fact writing it down is an excellent way to deal with it. There was an article I read yesterday which may well be relevant to you and to all of us http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/feb/15/psychology-usa

Before my friend died, a few of us met in a pub and were talking about him after it had become clear to us that he was not going to make it. The sight of grown men weeping in a public house is not something you are likely to see often. It was a release we all needed.

Talk, write, whatever, you need that release too.

Interesting stuff about the diary. I started writing daily letters to Tom, telling him how I felt, and stuff. When I realised I was just writing 'what I did today', I reckoned I'd got through a stage, at least, and stopped.

 

[Milo]

We had that read at my grandads funeral.

This one does it for me, author unknown. In the cold light of day I'd probably find most of it a bit mawkish, but it's the first and last couplets really...

“Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep”

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die. "

Oh dear. Welling up again.

If any of you get a chance, look at Micheal Rosens 'Sad Book'. I heard about this on Radio 4's Go For It, when they did a fantastic show all about bereavement, with kids who'd lost someone. Extremely sensitive, one of the best bits of radio I've ever heard. Micheal Rosen was on talking about losing his son and how he'd written this book. It's illustrated by Quentin Blake, and so perfectly captures the feeling of loss and sadness, but coupled with happy memories.