TV detectives

[Drago]

I'm just about to do the ironing, and as is my wont I'll pop the TV on and watch ITV3 or ITV4 and catch some olde detective TV show to keep my pecker up while I'm doing the deed.

And it has struck me how formulaic they are, and how much worse it has become in recent times. For example, a TV detective must meet the following criteria;

1. Unusual surname with which to name the show.

2. An unorthodox approach to police work, including a complete absence of any paperwork.

3. Must be Inspector or higher in rank.

4. Must drive an unusual car for police work, even though regs prohibit using personal vehicles.

So I thought we could all come up with our own TV detectives and see if we can get one that might appeal to a TV company.


So I'll go with...

1. Cabbage. Shirley cabbage (a man).

2. Speciality is visiting a tarot reader for clues, and wearing an early 70's corduroy sport jacket.

3. Cabbage is a DI.

4. Cabbage drives a Dacia Sandero, because cars are nothing more than tools to a man that eats and sleeps locking up villains.

 

[alicat]

Simples, discard the iron. You will be much happier for it.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

1. Ouvrir la fenêtre. Public school educated male, although more androgynous. Parents are landed gentry.
2. On the spectrum and that impacts his social skills.
3. Raised to DI because they couldn't sack him in the lower ranks.
4. Rides a bike, with a comfort cat in the basket that he lapses into soliloquy with to solve crimes.

 

[Beebo]

View: https://youtu.be/80sSbLzSuak


25 years ago Reeves and Mortimer created the classic series “Detective in a wheel barrow”

 

[Drago]

Simples, discard the iron. You will be much happier for it.

But much more crumbled!

 

[Dogtrousers]

You missed out "troubled home life".

Shirley Cabbage's wife (named Gerald) is estranged and hates him. Their children have various addiction and identity challenges. He lives in a public phone box because he is so dedicated to police work he's never managed to get around to finding accomodation.

A sexy female barrister finds him unaccountably attractive, but he is so dedicated to police work he's unable to either notice her advances or commit to a relationship.

 

[MontyVeda]

You missed out "troubled home life".

...

and a family member somehow gets involved in the current case.

 

[matticus]

4. Rides a bike, with a comfort cat in the basket that he lapses into soliloquy with to solve crimes.

There is absolutely no reason for producers to NOT shoehorn this aspect into ANY modern police drama.

 

[figbat]

A haughty, slightly crumpled gentleman, Semaphore likes to drive his faithful old Lancia around the parks and colleges of Oxbridge, belittling anybody he deems of lower intelligence than himself - which is everybody. Likes a pint of Olde Sheepe Dip or a bottle of Châteauneuf sur Tyne and will happily drive after consuming either.

 

[Drago]

You missed out "troubled home life".

Shirley Cabbage's wife (named Gerald) is estranged and hates him. Their children have various addiction and identity challenges. He lives in a public phone box because he is so dedicated to police work he's never managed to get around to finding accomodation.

A sexy female barrister finds him unaccountably attractive, but he is so dedicated to police work he's unable to either notice her advances or commit to a relationship.

Shirley Cabbage regularly clashes with the Chief Constable, a by-the-book sort who is always immaculately turned out. He has no time for Cabbage and would gladly sack him for his various quirks and indiscretions, but Cabbage's clear up rate is the highest in the force. Seeing Cabbage awarded the Queen's Policing Medal for favour gave Chief Constable Semolina an ulcer.

 

[Dogtrousers]

1. Unusual surname with which to name the show.

So what's the show called?

A Whiff of Cabbage?
Cabbage Stalks?

 

[figbat]

So what's the show called?

A Whiff of Cabbage?
Cabbage Stalks?

If you include his sidekick in the name, it could be Cabbage & Bacon?

 

[matticus]

Obligatory keen-but-naive sidekick:
Sergeant Caulie in this case (of course)

 

[Dogtrousers]

If you include his sidekick in the name, it could be Cabbage & Bacon?

DS Bacon is the perfect foil to DI Cabbage. She's ambitious and perky and reminds Cabbage of his semi-estranged daughter (who he loves, but who is under the impression that he hates her) She's vegetarian and is constantly trying to get Cabbage to improve his diet of bacon sandwiches. She has a brief fling with another young officer DI Beans, who turns out to be a bent coppa and a bad lot.

 

[Threevok]

Cranium (Richard) Ex-paramilitary who still carries a gun - regardless of any legality to do so.

Gets the job done, mainly with information gained via hearsay from the pub landlord, sleeping with the wives of blokes he’s sent to clink, or by shouting at the local gamekeeper in a strong Hull accent.
*** ITV please note – Sean Bean would be excellent for the part. None of your namby-pamby Martin Clunes here please ***

Could be a DI or higher - nobody ever asks or dares to question. He’s the only copper for 200 miles anyway.

Drives a bright red 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz, despite living and working in a small rural village, where the nearest petrol station is 147 miles away and the roads are so narrow, he has to drive 87 miles before he can even turn the car around.

Although very few people actually live in or near the village, he manages to convict 139 people of 154 murders, over the space of eighteen seasons. All this, without any noticeable decrease in the local population.