steveindenmark
Legendary Member
It takes a man to admit that he was wrong. In which case I must be a man, because I was wrong. You are probably wrong as well. Its time we all started being right.
In February I was diagnosed as having work related stress and underlying depression. I was shocked and everyone who knew me were even more shocked. I was not the type of person who was going to suffer from stress. I was bold and confident, always up for a laugh. Good at my job and always in command of what needed to be done and made sure the job was always done and we were always on track at work.
I used to hate watching other people at work standing around doing nothing, "lazy bastxxds" I used to think.
My working life started at the age of 7 in the potato fields of Yorkshire and that is where the seeds of stress were also sown. My brothers had to look after me and so they took me potato picking. They would pick their Section and I would follow on behind collecting the missed potatoes. With a vengence. Nothing was missed. It was OCD potato picking. The farmer loved us.
This type of behaviour carried on all through my working life. I was never forced to be perfect at work but it was something I strived to achieve. Doing your best or doing what you can was not an option for me. It had to be always right. If a job came in, it was me who took it on, because I could do it better than anyone else. Thats what I thought.
Without even realising it I was putting stress on myself from a very early age. Personally, I can only speak about stress in analogies. You start with an empty glass and as you experience stress a couple of drops go in the glass. No problem as it is a big glass. The years go on and now there is an inch of liquid in the glass, a lot more than a couple of drops. But its a big glass. More years go on and more liquid goes in the glass. Its a very slow process and you cannot see the changes in yourself. You think it is normal, but its not.
Then comes the day, as it did to me in February. A few drops are added to the glass but the glass is totally full and starts to overflow and you cant push the liquid back in, nomatter how you try. Over 50 years of liquid was added to my glass. This is when STRESS starts. Everything that went before was not stress, you mistook it for stress but that was pressure of life and work.
When the glass gets full the stress symptoms start. Lack of sleep, apetite, sex drive, confusion, fear of everything, lack of concentration, shaking, lack of interest in anything. The worst thing for me is that I became someone I didnt know and it took me 6 weeks to accept that it was happening to me. The only place I felt safe were in my house, my garden or in the car. I didnt leave my property for a month, I wouldnt have visitors, I hated it when Jannie went to work, she became my Security blanket.
I visited my doctor every month and we talked. The stress councillor was a great help. Both of them said getting back on my bike was very important. I had to get an interest back in something I loved. That was the beginning of the turn round. When you cycle you go into your head. You can look clearly at the picture and over the weeks you can see that the "lazy bastxxds" actually have the right idea.
I took up meditation and it made me laugh. I had become a hippy. But it helps. Twice a day, sitting totally quiet for 15 minutes. I close my eyes and think of a nonesense word like "Dom" and say it in my head over and over. Its almost like taking a nap.
I dont think I will return to being the person I was. I am quieter and more subdued. but I have learnt a lot. the company I work for has not collapsed, I wasnt that important after all. I was never pressured into working the way I did, it was my work ethic, I chose it. I chose the wrong one.
Hopefully, I will return to work part time next week, with a different attitude. I will not be waking up on Saturdays, seeing that its raining and deciding to go to work. I will be doing what I can. If I cant do it, then its a management problem, not mine. I love my work but I want my life to be more important.
There is no cure for stress. Pills and potions will supress it and I have avoided that. It is like ripping all the wires out of a car and replacing them without the manual. Its all trial and error. But the help is mostly within yourself. You need to sit quietly and work it out. You need to be able to stand in front of the World and admit you were wrong and thats hard. The hardest part is admitting and accepting to yourself, that you are not as smart as you always thought you were. That is humbling.
It has been a difficult few months but interesting in an odd way. I have discovered that I am a different person to who I thought I was. Unfortunately, that other person still hasnt won the lottery.
If anyone wants to ask about stress, either privately or publicly, please ask. I am not a professional and can only tell you how I feel and what I did. But I am happy to help.
I apologise for the longest ever post on CC.
In February I was diagnosed as having work related stress and underlying depression. I was shocked and everyone who knew me were even more shocked. I was not the type of person who was going to suffer from stress. I was bold and confident, always up for a laugh. Good at my job and always in command of what needed to be done and made sure the job was always done and we were always on track at work.
I used to hate watching other people at work standing around doing nothing, "lazy bastxxds" I used to think.
My working life started at the age of 7 in the potato fields of Yorkshire and that is where the seeds of stress were also sown. My brothers had to look after me and so they took me potato picking. They would pick their Section and I would follow on behind collecting the missed potatoes. With a vengence. Nothing was missed. It was OCD potato picking. The farmer loved us.
This type of behaviour carried on all through my working life. I was never forced to be perfect at work but it was something I strived to achieve. Doing your best or doing what you can was not an option for me. It had to be always right. If a job came in, it was me who took it on, because I could do it better than anyone else. Thats what I thought.
Without even realising it I was putting stress on myself from a very early age. Personally, I can only speak about stress in analogies. You start with an empty glass and as you experience stress a couple of drops go in the glass. No problem as it is a big glass. The years go on and now there is an inch of liquid in the glass, a lot more than a couple of drops. But its a big glass. More years go on and more liquid goes in the glass. Its a very slow process and you cannot see the changes in yourself. You think it is normal, but its not.
Then comes the day, as it did to me in February. A few drops are added to the glass but the glass is totally full and starts to overflow and you cant push the liquid back in, nomatter how you try. Over 50 years of liquid was added to my glass. This is when STRESS starts. Everything that went before was not stress, you mistook it for stress but that was pressure of life and work.
When the glass gets full the stress symptoms start. Lack of sleep, apetite, sex drive, confusion, fear of everything, lack of concentration, shaking, lack of interest in anything. The worst thing for me is that I became someone I didnt know and it took me 6 weeks to accept that it was happening to me. The only place I felt safe were in my house, my garden or in the car. I didnt leave my property for a month, I wouldnt have visitors, I hated it when Jannie went to work, she became my Security blanket.
I visited my doctor every month and we talked. The stress councillor was a great help. Both of them said getting back on my bike was very important. I had to get an interest back in something I loved. That was the beginning of the turn round. When you cycle you go into your head. You can look clearly at the picture and over the weeks you can see that the "lazy bastxxds" actually have the right idea.
I took up meditation and it made me laugh. I had become a hippy. But it helps. Twice a day, sitting totally quiet for 15 minutes. I close my eyes and think of a nonesense word like "Dom" and say it in my head over and over. Its almost like taking a nap.
I dont think I will return to being the person I was. I am quieter and more subdued. but I have learnt a lot. the company I work for has not collapsed, I wasnt that important after all. I was never pressured into working the way I did, it was my work ethic, I chose it. I chose the wrong one.
Hopefully, I will return to work part time next week, with a different attitude. I will not be waking up on Saturdays, seeing that its raining and deciding to go to work. I will be doing what I can. If I cant do it, then its a management problem, not mine. I love my work but I want my life to be more important.
There is no cure for stress. Pills and potions will supress it and I have avoided that. It is like ripping all the wires out of a car and replacing them without the manual. Its all trial and error. But the help is mostly within yourself. You need to sit quietly and work it out. You need to be able to stand in front of the World and admit you were wrong and thats hard. The hardest part is admitting and accepting to yourself, that you are not as smart as you always thought you were. That is humbling.
It has been a difficult few months but interesting in an odd way. I have discovered that I am a different person to who I thought I was. Unfortunately, that other person still hasnt won the lottery.
If anyone wants to ask about stress, either privately or publicly, please ask. I am not a professional and can only tell you how I feel and what I did. But I am happy to help.
I apologise for the longest ever post on CC.
Last edited:
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