Midweek jokes

[col]

Just recieved this, thought you might like them.





One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumuor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

 

[Tarbo]

There's a new drug available for depressed lesbians...



....it's called TRYDIXAGEN

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Over 5000 men were surveyed asking why they liked blow jobs. 1% liked the warmth, 2% liked the sensation, 3% liked the eroticism and 94% liked the peace & quiet.

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[Maz]

Q: Why does it take 20,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: None of them will ask for directions.

 

[Beardie]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Do you think this tastes funny?"

 

[ACS]

Two fish swim in to a wall, damm says one

 

[Landslide]

Two birds on a perch, one turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?"

 

[Landslide]

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

 

[Speck]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at
the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out
however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole
decides to buy th e cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

 

[ACS]

I was in the pub last night and some bloke was trying to chat up a cheatah.. I think he was trying to pull a fast one

Have coat, bye

 

[col]

Heard at a recent Medical Conference....






An Israeli doctor said "Medicine in my country is so far advanced, that we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and oy vey we have him looking for work in six weeks'.
>
> A German doctor said, 'Zat is nussing! In Germany, ve can
> take a lung out of vun person, unt put it in anuzzer, and have him looking for vurk in four veeks'.
>
> A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so
> advanced comrades, zat ve can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking
> for work in two weeks'.
>
> The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!, That is nothing we can take two peanuts out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'

 

[Cubist]

Van Gogh is sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and says "Vincent, do you want a pint?" to which he replies

"No thanks, I've got one 'ere."

 

[col]

-------Original Message-------

Subject: FW: MAN RULES




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The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally,the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!



1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or

motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh!

 

[Cubist]

man rules! (But I live in Yorkshire...)


I had a discussion with some friends at work the other week, and it sounded like they had a pretty easy time of it. They appeared, from their conversation to spend a lot of time doing exactly what they wanted, including golf (yawn) and fishing, pubbing etc. I explained that having married a Yorkshire lass I tended to have to spend a lot of time helping her out with household chores. They told me that I had let her get the better of me, and that she shouldn't expect me to spend all day at her beck and call. "You need to lay the law down and tell her that you can spend time apart occasionally." they insisted.

So I went home and told her that I didn't want to see her for a couple of days, and sure enough I saw nothing of her for 48 hours. On the third day the swelling in my right eye went down far enough to open it a little..............