Joke

[simonali]

Dunno how old this one is, found it on my phone.

A bloke is in the burns ward of a hospital with 70% of his body covered in burns. Doctor calls the nurse over and instructs her to give him 2 Viagra every 8 hours. Nurse asks "Are you sure that'll help, doctor?" and the doc replies "Probably not, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs".

 

[yenrod]

Here's yuh coat !

 

[simonali]

I'm already outside waiting for the bus!

 

[Chuffy]

Don't let the door smack your arse on the way out...

 

[Keith Oates]

Well, we know one of the parts that wasn't burned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[yenrod]

Nah Simon, I did laugh!

Any more ???????

 

[simonali]

Little Daisy comes home from school and says to her mum "Mummy, Johnny showed me his willy at school today. It's just like a peanut". The mum replies "What, you mean it's really small?" "No, salty"

 

[simonali]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy for a walk? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the lead and only go once around the estate."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the estate, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[simonali]

A newlywed couple stroll into a hotel reception and ask if the honeymoon suite is available. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" and the bride leans forward and whispers "I'm not sure about taking it up the arse"

 

[yenrod]

 

[simonali]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor"

"Listen; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, some poo from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Tablets are available in the pet section.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco