laurence
Veteran
- Location
- in the aeroplane over the sea
i'm not sure where to post this, or why i should... i just wrote this as a blog - even though i originally wrote it for here, but changed my mind... alas, as you will see, my mind sometimes needs to be sated.
anyway....
my mind is racing, as it always will.
racing out of control at times.
i'd like my mind back, but it's gone forever. it was all i had. now it's just an addled mess, held together by drugs, it feels. i haven't written a story since i can't remember when - they just don't appear in there anymore.
my mind can't be freed, it would run riot, speeding away as if on a beautiful italian bicycle, speeding through the countryside. often on those rides lucid thoughts would come, blogs conjured up from nowhere - but now they just lie scattered like the specks of tyre rubber by the side of the road, blow away and forgotten.
the internet is a funny thing. it can help you see the world, yet tether you away from it. spending your time seeking solace with people you'll never met - in most cases this is good. seeking their approval by revisiting a forum to see if there has been a comment regarding your last posting, hoping someone likes your photograph or agrees with your views. feeling the hurt of rejection when that reply isn't there or someone disagrees. feeling spurned by people you don't know, but the rejection hurting as much as if they were good friends.
i dread going to bed most nights, preferring to drop off on the sofa, tv or radio on to hide the emptiness, wanting that 'friend' there rather than a real person that once meant something. when i do reach the bed then the torment starts - the flag drops, the lights go green and my head spins. all the fears that i'd kept hidden from the sun escape and fly around and their weight presses me down until, when that light comes again, i feel i cannot climb from the depths i've been pushed.
why say this? well, sometimes the words need to be let out - like blood letting or trepanning. once free they can scuttle away into their dark corners and not bother me and maybe make room for some good words, words that flow and make sense of things, or take me away, away to where the suns shines with warmth and nature lives, where the cold doesn't make me want to give myself to it forever to end the wait for spring, where the days are always long.
i'm gripped with fear, i can't do what i need to - to gather my strength and search for work. i thought i was coping, but my spirit shattered, it could only hold the facade for a few moments. i need to regroup, hide away and get my strength back, dust myself off and come out into the new day. i just wish my mind would let me. it used to be my greatest asset, my only asset. now it's a hinderance, my weakness, an achilles heel that won't heal. it used to soar, but now flaps helplessly in the ground.
i think that's enough rambling. time for coffee
anyway....
my mind is racing, as it always will.
racing out of control at times.
i'd like my mind back, but it's gone forever. it was all i had. now it's just an addled mess, held together by drugs, it feels. i haven't written a story since i can't remember when - they just don't appear in there anymore.
my mind can't be freed, it would run riot, speeding away as if on a beautiful italian bicycle, speeding through the countryside. often on those rides lucid thoughts would come, blogs conjured up from nowhere - but now they just lie scattered like the specks of tyre rubber by the side of the road, blow away and forgotten.
the internet is a funny thing. it can help you see the world, yet tether you away from it. spending your time seeking solace with people you'll never met - in most cases this is good. seeking their approval by revisiting a forum to see if there has been a comment regarding your last posting, hoping someone likes your photograph or agrees with your views. feeling the hurt of rejection when that reply isn't there or someone disagrees. feeling spurned by people you don't know, but the rejection hurting as much as if they were good friends.
i dread going to bed most nights, preferring to drop off on the sofa, tv or radio on to hide the emptiness, wanting that 'friend' there rather than a real person that once meant something. when i do reach the bed then the torment starts - the flag drops, the lights go green and my head spins. all the fears that i'd kept hidden from the sun escape and fly around and their weight presses me down until, when that light comes again, i feel i cannot climb from the depths i've been pushed.
why say this? well, sometimes the words need to be let out - like blood letting or trepanning. once free they can scuttle away into their dark corners and not bother me and maybe make room for some good words, words that flow and make sense of things, or take me away, away to where the suns shines with warmth and nature lives, where the cold doesn't make me want to give myself to it forever to end the wait for spring, where the days are always long.
i'm gripped with fear, i can't do what i need to - to gather my strength and search for work. i thought i was coping, but my spirit shattered, it could only hold the facade for a few moments. i need to regroup, hide away and get my strength back, dust myself off and come out into the new day. i just wish my mind would let me. it used to be my greatest asset, my only asset. now it's a hinderance, my weakness, an achilles heel that won't heal. it used to soar, but now flaps helplessly in the ground.
i think that's enough rambling. time for coffee
