I'll get my coat

[LLB]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it to coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten pound tip. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

 

[mr Mag00]

BOOM!! BOOM!!

 

[papercorn2000]

http://www.helptheaged.org.uk/en-gb

 

[Mr Pig]

Like that :0)

 

[LLB]

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to plant his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work and the ground was hard as rocks. His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the hard
ground to plant a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad ,

Don't dig that garden! That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local l police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad ,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances...

Love you, Vinnie

 

[Wolf04]

Nice one LLB

 

[LLB]

And another one:-

Interesting Year 1981
1 . Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

 

[LLB]

And another:-

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE..



George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'