T.M.H.N.E.T
Rainbows aren't just for world champions
- Location
- Northern Ireland
How to give health and fitness advice to nearly/absolute newbies.
When they mention diet:
Tell the newbie to “eat less”. This is based on the fact that most newbies don't post anything related to their calorie intake/expenditure and will ensure that the advice you give, remains as dangerous and as unfounded as possible/permissible. Don't dare mention well known industry formulae like the Harris Benedict equation. Especially neglect to mention myfitnesspal.
Neglect to make enquiries relating to the above information but specifically forget to ask about age/weight/height/sex/activity level and medical history. This will ensure that your previous statement will remain as ambiguous as possible,enough that other forum users will question your reasoning,enabling you to post further.
Suggest that the newbie find or purchase BMI measuring equipment. But don't tell them that BMI is a very bad metric for the majority of people. Since BMI measures the exact same thing a set of scales does(everything) it cannot in any way account for lean muscle mass. This is not a point you should to bring up to any newbie. It is imperative and lawful to neglect to tell the newbie that the BMI chart he/she is basing their individual progress on, was actually studied over,for and based upon groups of people. I is destined to be hilarious when Tam from Glasgow compares his 39BMI to the average of Belgium,France or Italy.
Further to suggesting purchase of BMI measuring equipment suggest that the newbie should acquire scales that also measure Body Fat percentage. Make sure to tell the newbie that they are really good for determining how they are losing weight, but neglect to explain that two metal pads below your feet, simply cannot accurately tell if you lost 2% of your bodyfat or 2% water through dehydration or 3lbs of lean mass through starvation/too high a calorie deficit.
Insist that such methods are accurate or repeatable at best.
When newbies mention training:
Enforce the “ride more” rule. Like other direct orders,this one is normally based on very little information,so make sure you add some form of aid to the post to prove just how serious you are. Smilies or indeed exclamation marks can be effective tools for this job. If you use the latter,make sure to use more than one.
Insist that they “MTFU” or indeed “HTFU”. This is almost certain to confuse the newbie who will in turn quote you and ask what it means. You MUST then, quote or link to the velominati with a hint of insisting disgust.
Tell the newbie to “do some core training”. But don't dare suggest how,why or what to do. Leave that up to the newbie,who has just forked out for a bike and gear,and who now has to pay for a gym membership. Don't tell the newbie that you can do plenty of core training at home and very cheaply. Nor tell the newbie that exercise of one muscle,relies on exercising the opposite to maintain proper balance. Example: Should you do a bicep curl with a bag of sugar, then you MUST also exercise the tricep. Don't tell the newbie this until at least the second page if at all.
When a newbie posts “I've been cycling for 6 weeks and can't climb hills”. First off,you must refer to the crux of Diet 1+2 by not asking if the newbie has got any other information. This will ensure that there are only two types of advice you can give.
4.1: “Do some squats”
4.2: “See a doctor”
The advice you give will obviously avoid the common sense answers in that the newbie simply isn't fit enough(cardiovascular) You MUST neglect to mention that cycling is an aerobic sport primarily and that squats are simply not the answer(unless you have a pre-existing condition/imbalance/are a sprinter of some sort)
Supplementation:
When a newbie asks about any supplement be sure to tell them “You don't need it”. Don't forget to neglect finding out any more information. You simply never know what gem of an answer will appear, but be ready for this by bookmarking the next point. The type of supplement is to remain completely irrelevant and you shall not ask why the newbie wants to take it/wishes to know more about it.
As soon as any supplement is mentioned be sure to post a link to a BBC article/Panorama program on the subject. You will do this knowing that you are totally misrepresenting the information the BBC/Panorama misrepresented. This will ensure that the sensible users of the Health/Training forum will post and tell you to wise up,confuse the newbie and probably get the thread locked.
If that fails(your drivel goes un-noticed) then you must find an abstract quote of either, the BMJ or Dr Carl Heneghan(sp) This will ensure that the advice you give is as blatantly incorrect as possible.
Happy training and sensible dieting!
Disclaimer: This post is intended as satire with a hint of slapping some people.
When they mention diet:
Tell the newbie to “eat less”. This is based on the fact that most newbies don't post anything related to their calorie intake/expenditure and will ensure that the advice you give, remains as dangerous and as unfounded as possible/permissible. Don't dare mention well known industry formulae like the Harris Benedict equation. Especially neglect to mention myfitnesspal.
Neglect to make enquiries relating to the above information but specifically forget to ask about age/weight/height/sex/activity level and medical history. This will ensure that your previous statement will remain as ambiguous as possible,enough that other forum users will question your reasoning,enabling you to post further.
Suggest that the newbie find or purchase BMI measuring equipment. But don't tell them that BMI is a very bad metric for the majority of people. Since BMI measures the exact same thing a set of scales does(everything) it cannot in any way account for lean muscle mass. This is not a point you should to bring up to any newbie. It is imperative and lawful to neglect to tell the newbie that the BMI chart he/she is basing their individual progress on, was actually studied over,for and based upon groups of people. I is destined to be hilarious when Tam from Glasgow compares his 39BMI to the average of Belgium,France or Italy.
Further to suggesting purchase of BMI measuring equipment suggest that the newbie should acquire scales that also measure Body Fat percentage. Make sure to tell the newbie that they are really good for determining how they are losing weight, but neglect to explain that two metal pads below your feet, simply cannot accurately tell if you lost 2% of your bodyfat or 2% water through dehydration or 3lbs of lean mass through starvation/too high a calorie deficit.
Insist that such methods are accurate or repeatable at best.
When newbies mention training:
Enforce the “ride more” rule. Like other direct orders,this one is normally based on very little information,so make sure you add some form of aid to the post to prove just how serious you are. Smilies or indeed exclamation marks can be effective tools for this job. If you use the latter,make sure to use more than one.
Insist that they “MTFU” or indeed “HTFU”. This is almost certain to confuse the newbie who will in turn quote you and ask what it means. You MUST then, quote or link to the velominati with a hint of insisting disgust.
Tell the newbie to “do some core training”. But don't dare suggest how,why or what to do. Leave that up to the newbie,who has just forked out for a bike and gear,and who now has to pay for a gym membership. Don't tell the newbie that you can do plenty of core training at home and very cheaply. Nor tell the newbie that exercise of one muscle,relies on exercising the opposite to maintain proper balance. Example: Should you do a bicep curl with a bag of sugar, then you MUST also exercise the tricep. Don't tell the newbie this until at least the second page if at all.
When a newbie posts “I've been cycling for 6 weeks and can't climb hills”. First off,you must refer to the crux of Diet 1+2 by not asking if the newbie has got any other information. This will ensure that there are only two types of advice you can give.
4.1: “Do some squats”
4.2: “See a doctor”
The advice you give will obviously avoid the common sense answers in that the newbie simply isn't fit enough(cardiovascular) You MUST neglect to mention that cycling is an aerobic sport primarily and that squats are simply not the answer(unless you have a pre-existing condition/imbalance/are a sprinter of some sort)
Supplementation:
When a newbie asks about any supplement be sure to tell them “You don't need it”. Don't forget to neglect finding out any more information. You simply never know what gem of an answer will appear, but be ready for this by bookmarking the next point. The type of supplement is to remain completely irrelevant and you shall not ask why the newbie wants to take it/wishes to know more about it.
As soon as any supplement is mentioned be sure to post a link to a BBC article/Panorama program on the subject. You will do this knowing that you are totally misrepresenting the information the BBC/Panorama misrepresented. This will ensure that the sensible users of the Health/Training forum will post and tell you to wise up,confuse the newbie and probably get the thread locked.
If that fails(your drivel goes un-noticed) then you must find an abstract quote of either, the BMJ or Dr Carl Heneghan(sp) This will ensure that the advice you give is as blatantly incorrect as possible.
Happy training and sensible dieting!
Disclaimer: This post is intended as satire with a hint of slapping some people.
I stopped listening after that ...
