# Is it ok to have a cycling buddy from the opposite sex?



## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

Although it was chucking it down this afternoon, managed a cycle. Was supposed to go with a workmate and her two friends (one male and the other female) but my workmate and the bloke chickened out because of the weather. I met up with the other person at the arranged time and we decided to go for it as we'd both managed to clear some ride time with our other halves. Was a great ride and was cool to get to know someone new...at the end of the ride we went our separate ways both saying it would be great to go out again (completely innocently btw)
Didn't think any thing of it until I got home and was telling the wife about the ride...oh dear! She's really not happy that I went riding with 'another woman'...even though my wife wouldn't be seen dead riding a bike!!! I explained how innocent it was but she's still not a happy camper and even less so at the thought that I might go out with her again...
Is it acceptable or not???


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## GrasB (24 Nov 2012)

2170315 said:


> In your life clearly not.


This... in all honesty if your wife isn't happy about you going on a ride with another cyclist because of their gender then there sounds to be more issues in your future


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## Mr Haematocrit (24 Nov 2012)

Good job trust does not prevent your missus from jumping to conclusions and assumptions.


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## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

User14044mountain said:


> Yep....I met one in 1986. Married her a year later and 25 years on, we are still cycling!! We started with triathlon as our main sport (which was a little less old fashioned than pure road racing/TT in the mid 1980s and training with a 'gal was acceptable). We now do weekend rides and long tours together now the kids have left home.
> 
> Don't tell your wife that there's a chance that you could marry your new training partner, tho


Sage advice!!!


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## compo (24 Nov 2012)

You have obviously not met my mate Howard, his wife Pearl, and Howard's cycling buddy, Marina.


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## Hip Priest (24 Nov 2012)

You don't fool me Howard.


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## Phaeton (24 Nov 2012)

If the boot was on the other foot & your wife liked swimming & was going to the pool with a male friend would you be happy?

Alan...


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## Hip Priest (24 Nov 2012)

compo said:


> You have obviously not met my mate Howard, his wife Pearl, and Howard's cycling buddy, Marina.


 
Haha. Great minds!


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## Peteaud (24 Nov 2012)

Depends on how fit the lady on the bike is?


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## Hip Priest (24 Nov 2012)

But in all seriousness, your wife probably _shouldn't_ worry about it, but jealousy is a fairly universal human emotion. If my wife was regularly going cycling (or running, swimming, canoeing..etc) with another man for hours at a time, I would probably be a little jealous.


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## Saluki (24 Nov 2012)

I used to have a climbing partner, a chap the same age as me as climbing with my (then) husband was risky as he was a very inattentive belay and I didn't actually want to die at the Roaches. After about a year of climbing with my climbing buddy, of the opposite sex, I moved in with him and we have been married for nearly 7 years now.

There seems to be a theme beginning with this thread.

I have a male friend called Mark, who I go Geocaching with. Hubby is cool about it, even when hubby doesn't fancy 'caching. Then again, I have been mates with our Mark for nearly 30 years. There has never been anything else but being friends between us, never will be and my husband is totally fine with it. I think that it is perfectly OK to have a friend of the opposite sex to cycle/geocache/hike whatever with. If your marriage/relationship is strong there is nothing to worry about.


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## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

Phaeton said:


> If the boot was on the other foot & your wife liked swimming & was going to the pool with a male friend would you be happy?
> 
> Alan...


You are probably correct...however, people tend to look like idiots in lycra (I certainly do!!!) and are mostly covered up (I was wrapped up like a septic thumb today!)...swimsuits would be slightly different


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## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

Hip Priest said:


> But in all seriousness, your wife probably _shouldn't_ worry about it, but jealousy is a fairly universal human emotion. If my wife was regularly going cycling (or running, swimming, canoeing..etc) with another man for hours at a time, I would probably be a little jealous.


True


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## Phaeton (24 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> You are probably correct...however, people tend to look like idiots in lycra (I certainly do!!!) and are mostly covered up (I was wrapped up like a septic thumb today!)...swimsuits would be slightly different


It is a tough one, I wish you the best of luck, but we do only pass this way once, it would be a shame to have spent it with the wrong person.

Alan...


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## ColinJ (24 Nov 2012)

I have one. I have been on three mountain biking/walking holidays with her and we have done many single-day walks and bike rides together. (I posted a picture of her dog earlier this afternoon, snapped on one of our summer walks a couple of years ago.)

Neither of us had partners at those times though. She has a boyfriend now so I don't see us having holidays together again. 

I'd be a bit peeved if he tried vetoing the odd day out though. I have known her 7 years longer than him and helped see her through some difficult times. I'll either see her when he is busy, or invite them both over!


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Tough one. 

In my view there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a woman and a single man

Any other combination is subject to vagaries and I do wonder if it's worth the hassle to argue otherwise whatever the combination


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## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

Phaeton said:


> It is a tough one, I wish you the best of luck, but we do only pass this way once, it would be a shame to have spent it with the wrong person.
> 
> Alan...


Bit soppy but...I've got the right person at home...but it's cool to meet new people and make new friends


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Have you told her that lately?


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## Easytigers (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Have you told her that lately?


Thrice daily!!! Even more if she's lucky!


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

She should be fine then

My wife goes running with a whole bunch of blokes

So far she has come back each week !


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## defy-one (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Tough one.
> 
> In my view there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a woman and a single man
> 
> Any other combination is subject to vagaries and I do wonder if it's worth the hassle to argue otherwise whatever the combination



I tend to agree with this, there may be the odd platonic relationship, but if i was going to have a female cycling buddy, it would be because of some mutual attraction.


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## ianrauk (24 Nov 2012)

2 of my best cycling buddies are ladies, from this site. Auntie Helen and HaloJ. 
Mrs Ian has no problem's with that and she has met them both. As I have no problem's with Mrs Ian and her male running chums.


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## ColinJ (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> In my view there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a woman and a single man


Speak for yourself Harry, er Lee! 



I've had one for 8 years with the woman mentioned above.


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## lulubel (24 Nov 2012)

If my partner found herself a male or female cycling companion, I'd actually be glad. I worry about her when she's cycling on her own and it would be nice to know there's someone there to pick her up/call an ambulance if she rides into the back of a car or goes over the bars on a section of clear, open road (both of which she's done).

Occasionally, she gets talking to other people when she's cycling, and rides with them for a while, and tells me about it when she gets home. I do exactly the same, although probably more often than she does because I go mountain biking, and MTBers seem to be a more sociable lot than roadies. Neither of us has a problem with it.


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## Andrew_Culture (24 Nov 2012)

I think it's a little sad that some folk haven't experienced platonic relationships yet. At least half my friends are gay men, so would that mean I can't have any friends at all, either male or female without someone assuming I want to put my penis inside them?

I really like my bike, it doesn't mean I want to rub my genitals on it. Mind you, maybe for a Cube Agree...


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## Hitchington (24 Nov 2012)

I don't think there's anything wrong with going for an innocent bike ride with a member of the opposite sex.




I'm available most weekends if anyone female is interested.


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Andrew_Culture said:


> I think it's a little sad that some folk haven't experienced platonic relationships yet. At least half my friends are gay men, so would that mean I can't have any friends at all, either male or female without someone assuming I want to put my penis inside them?
> 
> I really like my bike, it doesn't mean I want to rub my genitals on it. Mind you, maybe for a Cube Agree...



Not sure if this is a response to my comment, but I think ideas clear my comment was about single men and women, nothing about gay men and nothing about men in relationships


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## StuAff (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Tough one.
> 
> In my view there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a woman and a single man


 
Well, there is. My (happily married to a great guy) best mate would confirm this for you.


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## Andrew_Culture (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Not sure if this is a response to my comment, but I think ideas clear my comment was about single men and women, nothing about gay men and nothing about men in relationships



Oh not aimed at your comment at all 

People are people, that's all.


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

StuAff said:


> Well, there is. My (happily married to a great guy) best mate would confirm this for you.



Nope that's a platonic relationship from the woman's perspective. It is never platonic from the single
Guys perspective no matter what he might say to the woman and her husband


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## Andrew_Culture (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Nope that's a platonic relationship from the woman's perspective. It is never platonic from the single
> Guys perspective no matter what he might say to the woman and her husband



I just can't believe that, but I'm no expert and without speaking to every man on earth I couldn't speak with any authority. I could however speak based on my own experience and augment it with supposition, which I guess is the lifeblood of any forum.


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## StuAff (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Nope that's a platonic relationship from the woman's perspective. It is never platonic from the single
> Guys perspective no matter what he might say to the woman and her husband


I'll politely disagree with you on that. She and I know how it is, and so does her husband. There's no sexual tension to resolve. No tension. Nothing sexual at all, full stop.


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Well I hope you're right, however I have never seen a single man and a woman have a platonic relationship that didn't end either in divorce or other trouble 

Maybe it's the people I know


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## Rob3rt (24 Nov 2012)

Not buying this no such thing as platonic relationship comment between a single male and a female. This is not my experience at all.


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## StuAff (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Well I hope you're right, however I have never seen a single man and a woman have a platonic relationship that didn't end either in divorce or other trouble
> 
> Maybe it's the people I know


Perhaps. I've only not been carrying a torch for the lady for eighteen years!


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## Hip Priest (24 Nov 2012)

Andrew_Culture said:


> I really like my bike, it doesn't mean I want to rub my genitals on it. Mind you, maybe for a Cube Agree...


 
That's disgusting and not appropriate for a public forum.

Honestly, rubbing your genitals on a non-Belgian bike.


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## SatNavSaysStraightOn (24 Nov 2012)

Personally I would have no problems with my husband going out for a bike ride with another woman - I trust him. I had even nicknamed one of his female work collegues his "work wife" because he used to spend so much time with her work. When I met her for the first time, (she stayed the night at our home), within 10 minutes she & I were talking tents!
Similarly he has never had any problems with the male friends in my life - which given my career path, has been dominated by them (I started in IT working for an agency of the armed forces - IT (or at least my field is very male dominated - one place I worked there were 56 IT engineers and only 2 of us were female). When I was with the civil service, my gym buddies were both male soldiers (always 2 of them for no other reason than the fact that there were no female showers, and the mens toilet block with the showers had 2 entrances, so 1 on each toilet block entrance (yeh I know what you are thinking) whilst I showered). My swimming buddy at my last work place was also male - we were only allowed to swim in pairs for H&S reasons and we swam each and every day in the school swimming pool. And occationally I get to cycle with other people, usually men. In fact, I think I can interact better in person with men than I can with people of the same sex as me - female, for some reason I find it easier. Ironically I grew up without a father! maybe that had something to do with it, I don't know, but what it all comes down to is:

trust

and it works both ways. May be that is why my husband and I are more like best friends than lovers - we trust each other.


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## Doseone (24 Nov 2012)

Russ, it's not whether you or us on here think it's ok for you to go cycling with another woman, it's whether your wife thinks it's ok. From what you've said, she's not OK with it, so in your case it's not acceptable.


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## Norm (24 Nov 2012)

I think it's OK to have a riding buddy of the opposite gender, but if my wife didn't, I'd stop immediately.

Or, should I say, I thought it was OK to take a pillion of the opposite gender but my wife didn't so I stopped immediately. For me, I get so much freedom that I have no qualms at all doing as she asked.

Everyone is different, every relationship is different, I'm not sure I'd want to pass judgement on how others choose to share their lives.


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## lulubel (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> Not sure if this is a response to my comment, but I think ideas clear my comment was about single men and women, nothing about gay men and nothing about men in relationships


 
I didn't respond to your earlier comment, but I had a platonic friendship with a single man for over 20 years. (We "went out" briefly when I was 14 and he was 16.) Since the sex change, my single male friend has become my single lesbian friend, and my partner is still totally OK with it.


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## Andrew_Culture (24 Nov 2012)

Brilliant.


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## Rob3rt (24 Nov 2012)

I think we need to turn this thread into a "I have a friend..........." competition!


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

lulubel said:


> I didn't respond to your earlier comment, but I had a platonic friendship with a single man for over 20 years. (We "went out" briefly when I was 14 and he was 16.) Since the sex change, my single male friend has become my single lesbian friend, and my partner is still totally OK with it.



so in fact you didnt have a platonic friendship with a male, you had a platonc friendship with someone who didnt yet know who or what they were?

I dont think that refutes my original statement 

although im glad your friend found who they wanted to be


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## Rob3rt (24 Nov 2012)

I sat in bed and watched Hollyoak's with a female friend several times, are you wrong yet?


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## coffeejo (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> so in fact you didnt have a platonic friendship with a male, you had a platonc friendship with someone who didnt yet know who or what they were?
> 
> I dont think that refutes my original statement
> 
> although im glad your friend found who they wanted to be


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

coffeejo said:


>




isnt this fun


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Rob3rt said:


> I sat in bed and watched Hollyoak's with a female friend several times, are you wrong yet?



if you were happy to watch hollyoaks I'd suggest she was perfectly safe from any unwanted attention from you


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## Rob3rt (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> if you were happy to watch hollyoaks I'd suggest she was perfectly safe from any unwanted attention from you


 
I guess you haven't realised why men watch Hollyoaks! It's so farking dramatic.............


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## MattHB (24 Nov 2012)

Your wife has trust issues, there could be many reasons for this.. Rational or irrational we'll never know. If you love her like you should do you'll be emotionally sensitive enough to work them through.


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

Rob3rt said:


> I guess you haven't realised why men watch Hollyoaks! It's so f***ing dramatic.............



lots of heaving bosoms i guess?

along with orange skin and lots of silicon?


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## Rob3rt (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> lots of heaving bosoms i guess?
> 
> along with orange skin and lots of silicon?


 
Don't forget Brendan's perfectly groomed tashe!


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## Lee_M (24 Nov 2012)

MattHB said:


> Your wife has trust issues, there could be many reasons for this.. Rational or irrational we'll never know. If you love her like you should do you'll be emotionally sensitive enough to work them through.




come on Matt, dont spoil this thread with useful advice !

as i said earlier you have to ask whether the freedom is worth the upset it will cause


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## lulubel (24 Nov 2012)

Lee_M said:


> so in fact you didnt have a platonic friendship with a male, you had a platonc friendship with someone who didnt yet know who or what they were?


 
Not really. I think I just managed to find "a person" who wanted a relationship with me, but was prepared to accept that wasn't going to happen, so contented him/herself with a platonic friendship.

I also managed to stay friends with most of my exes (I accumulated quite a few while I was going through my "must be normal, must be straight" phase) until they met someone else who didn't like us being friends.


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## slowmotion (24 Nov 2012)

It's just a matter of negotiation between the parties involved. For the record, I sometimes ( though not recently ) go out at night with a complete bunch of weirdos and hang about briefly to wee on Clapham Common on Friday nights. My wife is not happy.
I sometimes venture further to a city with a large Gay population. It's a worry!


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## StuAff (24 Nov 2012)

slowmotion said:


> It's just a matter of negotiation between the parties involved. For the record, I sometimes ( though not recently ) go out at night with a complete bunch of weirdos and hang about briefly to wee on Clapham Common on Friday nights. My wife is not happy.


I would point out we're not a complete bunch of weirdos. Not every weirdo is able to attend.


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## slowmotion (24 Nov 2012)

Most seem to make it.


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## slowmotion (24 Nov 2012)

Normal is not even in the vocabulary with you lot.


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## Crankarm (24 Nov 2012)

Just make sure that when you are riding with your new found friend you practice safe cycling, wear a helmet and take lubrication to stop chaffing.


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## mrandmrspoves (25 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> might go out with her again...
> Is it acceptable or not???



Absolutely acceptable so long as she is old, ugly, and poor!


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## avalon (25 Nov 2012)

It's great to have friends of the opposite sex, I have had many. But it can also be dangerous, I ended up married to one of mine. Anyone who is slightly insecure could have reasonable cause for concern, especially if you have more in common with the friend than you do with your partner.


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## summerdays (25 Nov 2012)

I have a long standing platonic single male friend. I don't know if it helps that he is a friend to both myself and Mr Summerdays. 

I think it is a bit unfair to assume that everyone who isn't married and is friends with you, actually wants to have a different type of relationship with you instead.


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## Norm (25 Nov 2012)

MattHB said:


> Your wife has trust issues, there could be many reasons for this.. Rational or irrational we'll never know. If you love her like you should do you'll be emotionally sensitive enough to work them through.


I should follow up my earlier post in this thread by saying that my wife's concerns with me taking a pillion were even more of a surprise to her than they were to me. 

I get to do so much with people of both, either or neither gender (boats, pubs, clubs, dinner, gigs, cycling, photography, including using my wife's friends as models...) that she didn't, at first, realise why she didn't like me taking a female pillion.


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## subaqua (25 Nov 2012)

similar story here but in my other hobby. have several female buddies. wifey was concerned at first but a few trips and meeting the buddies she knew there was nothing extra going on.
her words were, you go away diving with them but come back to me.


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## DiddlyDodds (25 Nov 2012)

Is it ok to have a cycling buddy from the opposite sex?

Me - Yea no problem
The wife - Not a fat chance in hell


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## Peteaud (25 Nov 2012)

I was wondering, if i took up swinging, and Mrs Aud didnt want to go, could i go with a female friend?


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## MattHB (25 Nov 2012)

my OH would have no problem whatsoever, shed just be glad I had found a like minded friend. It would be no different to any of my other like minded friends that I ride with.


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## Sandra6 (25 Nov 2012)

My occasional cycling buddy is a male workmate, it'd be difficult not to cycle with him sometimes, if we're on the same shift we go home at the same time and in the same direction. I could always give him a ten minute headstart I suppose.


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## CopperCyclist (25 Nov 2012)

SatNav got it bang on - its all about trust, and it goes both ways. There would be no issue with my wife and I either way round - however I have a colleague whose partner hates him even being near a female, be it at work or socially, and actively tries to prevent it. Everytime we are out he gets endless phone calls 'checking up'. Weirdly, I don't feel sorry for him because I saw it as something that needed 'correcting' at the start of their relationship, which he never did - he just put up with it and it got worse. Don't get me wrong, they are 'happy' together - but I don't think I could be.


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## Dave 123 (25 Nov 2012)

Has anyone suggested a 3some yet? you could get a bike like the goodies....
A mate of mine has a riding buddy (pun intended), she has the body of a super model and rides as hard and fast as any bloke. I went with them once and enjoyed sitting on her back wheel. My mates wife was the original friend of hers and when she said "I'd like to give cycling a go..." she told her to go out with her husband. Now I think she wishes she hadn't. After the ride We went round there for a meal that evening and he was all "Doris* this" and "Doris* that...." I think the food could have been cooked with the steam coming from his wifes ears!

*Names have been changed to protect *Doris


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## Alan57 (25 Nov 2012)

In an ideal world we all should be able to be friends with whomsoever we choose ,but that isn`t always possible. My partner has a male friend she goes for walks with and has known for a few years . I`ve no problem with it and it comes down to trust as well as knowing your partner loves you. However, if your wife/partner is not happy then you are on an uphill struggle ,as if you go for anymore rides with the other person you are going to aggravate the situation. You can talk to your other half and explain that it`s a friend to cycle with but, if she`s not happy and really against it , then you need to stop and think about is the problem worth it because it won`t get any better. I myself have been lucky , i`ve always had a lot of female friends and it`s never been a problem for the women in my life.


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## Chris.IOW (25 Nov 2012)

I used to have a female cycling buddy who I often went off for day rides with, not so much now because she has moved onto other activities, my girlfriend never had an issue with it, but I guess that was probably because we had been friends before I met my Girlfriend, I could imagine introducing a new female cycling friend now might cause a few concerned looks! 

I guess as others say, if your partners not happy with it, you have to decide if it's worth the grief this could cause.


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## sabian92 (25 Nov 2012)

I think if your wife or husband is not happy with you sharing a completely non-sexual activity with anybody regardless of gender you need to have a serious look at your relationship and the apparent lack of trust.

I don't care what my fiancee does with whoever - as long as she's not shagging somebody behind my back, why is it any of my business what she does? I wouldn't care if she went cycling with a man or swimming with a woman or anything in between - I trust her. Apparently some wives don't trust their husband in this thread it seems...


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## Boris Bajic (25 Nov 2012)

This thread has made fascinating reading, though I oughtn't admit it.

For those of us in middle age as I am, there has been a sharp and unusual change in family structure since childhood.

When I was at school I had one classmate whose parents were not together. I was brought up by a sigle father, but he'd been widowed not divorced.

By contrast, my children are/were at school with countless other pupils (the majority in some classes) who divide their lives between parents who live apart. A common retort when enquiries were made about a football or rugby match were "I'm at my mum's, so I can't play".

I have a niece and nephew who live almost as if from a suitcase between mother's house and father's. Countless hours are spend driving the sprogs between remarried parents in their new homes. We time our journeys to their part of the world to coincide with 'dad time' as the mother is not a nice piece of work and wouldn't welcome a visit from our children anyway.

There are even children among our kids' peers whose parents have re-married, re-sprogged and re-divorcd, so the merry-go-round for shared custody becomes a blur of headlights, teddies left at the wrong house, awkward doorstep meetings and a cacophony of car-door slams.

I am not at all surprised to hear that someone is nervous and /or suspicious about a spouse who cycles with a potential rival. We may be becoming a culture of selfish, self-obsessed, sexually incontinent thrill-seekers.

But on the other hand we may not... I am not an expert.

Thank for listening.


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## Nebulous (25 Nov 2012)

Any fans of Pulp Fiction on here?

I refer you to the discussion about what a foot massage means.

This reminds me, it's time I watched it again.


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## Norm (25 Nov 2012)

sabian92 said:


> I think if your wife or husband is not happy with you sharing a completely non-sexual activity with anybody regardless of gender you need to have a serious look at your relationship and the apparent lack of trust.


I don't agree with this. There is, IMO, a vast gulf between whether or not it is acceptable to ride with someone else and the sort of jealousy which might require someone to "need to have a serious look at your relationship and the apparent lack of trust". 

Aside from the fact that some people might have had issues with partners in their past or genuine mental health issues, there are many reasons why a partner might be uncomfortable which might be completely unrelated to jealousy.

To be honest, if my wife was unhappy with me doing something and I thought for one second that it meant I had to have a serious look at my marriage, I'd be wondering whether I shouldn't be having a look at my marriage anyway.


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## Herbie (25 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> Although it was chucking it down this afternoon, managed a cycle. Was supposed to go with a workmate and her two friends (one male and the other female) but my workmate and the bloke chickened out because of the weather. I met up with the other person at the arranged time and we decided to go for it as we'd both managed to clear some ride time with our other halves. Was a great ride and was cool to get to know someone new...at the end of the ride we went our separate ways both saying it would be great to go out again (completely innocently btw)
> Didn't think any thing of it until I got home and was telling the wife about the ride...oh dear! She's really not happy that I went riding with 'another woman'...even though my wife wouldn't be seen dead riding a bike!!! I explained how innocent it was but she's still not a happy camper and even less so at the thought that I might go out with her again...
> Is it acceptable or not???


 
I'd like a cycling buddy of opposite sex...where do you get them? i'm recentiy single so i would'nt get any grief


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## Big boy (25 Nov 2012)

is this new cycling buddy nice lookin, any pics lol.
Only you can decide but keep us posted.
Thing is your wife could turn things around by hangin out with another bloke, how would you react??


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## Peteaud (25 Nov 2012)

Ok just to throw a bit of what if into the pot.

Would you mind if your wife went cycling with a lesbian?

Would she mind if you went cycling with a gay man?

My point is that the lady friend in question is being viewed as a sex object. I have many female friends, i dont want to jump into bed with them, i have Mrs Aud and she is all i need / want.


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## defy-one (25 Nov 2012)

are you gay???? joking


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## sabian92 (25 Nov 2012)

Norm said:


> I don't agree with this. There is, IMO, a vast gulf between whether or not it is acceptable to ride with someone else and the sort of jealousy which might require someone to "need to have a serious look at your relationship and the apparent lack of trust".
> Aside from the fact that some people might have had issues with partners in their past or genuine mental health issues, there are many reasons why a partner might be uncomfortable which might be completely unrelated to jealousy.
> To be honest, if my wife was unhappy with me doing something and I thought for one second that it meant I had to have a serious look at my marriage, I'd be wondering whether I shouldn't be having a look at my marriage anyway.


 
Not at all - if your wife doesn't trust you enough with somebody else there is only one thing going through her head - infidelity. If you can't be trusted to ride a bike with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your fancy) then why would you want to continue like that?

I've had issues with relationships in the past - I've been hurt, cheated on and everything else but I don't let it affect my current relationship. I don't see why somebody else should suffer for my previous problems - my fiancee trusts me, I trust her. End of the day - I've had relationships with both men and women, does that mean I shouldn't be trusted with anybody? That's a ridiculous thing to consider.

I understand people have problems but you can't taint your current wife/husband/partner etc with the same brush. Just because Johnny cheated on you and fleeced you of your life savings, doesn't mean Jimmy will.


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## Peteaud (25 Nov 2012)

defy-one said:


> are you gay???? joking


 
Chase me


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## Norm (25 Nov 2012)

sabian92 said:


> Not at all - if your wife doesn't trust you enough with somebody else there is only one thing going through her head - infidelity. If you can't be trusted to ride a bike with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your fancy) then why would you want to continue like that?.


Must it be about trust? I thought I'd been clear enough but there are many other reasons. 



sabian92 said:


> I've had issues with relationships in the past - I've been hurt, cheated on and everything else but I don't let it affect my current relationship. I don't see why somebody else should suffer for my previous problems - my fiancee trusts me, I trust her. End of the day - I've had relationships with both men and women, does that mean I shouldn't be trusted with anybody? That's a ridiculous thing to consider.


So you've had no mental health issues. Rather than considering them to be ridiculous, can I suggest you give thanks to whatever deity you choose and hope that you or your partners never do experience them.


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## Easytigers (25 Nov 2012)

No pics I'm afraid...She is pretty and is in very good shape but...not on my agenda at all...seriously. Most of my rides have been solo over the last couple of months...so the miles just flew by with someone to talk to. Actually not sure how I would feel if my wife was out with a 'fit' bloke...but hope I would be ok


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## mattobrien (25 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> She is pretty and is in very good shape



Problem solved. With that description there are surely to be a number of local, or possibly not so local CCer's who will offer to join your rides with her, to help ensure that you aren't alone / your good lady wife has no room for concern.


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## sabian92 (25 Nov 2012)

Norm said:


> Must it be about trust? I thought I'd been clear enough but there are many other reasons.
> So you've had no mental health issues. Rather than considering them to be ridiculous, can I suggest you give thanks to whatever deity you choose and hope that you or your partners never do experience them.


 
Well, yeah, relationships are nothing without trust. Why marry somebody you can't trust to be on their own? What's the point in being married? If you don't trust them they just turn into a long term 1 night stand. 

I have had (and have) mental health issues, I just try my best to not let them affect my relationships. Why should I let my own problems cause issue with somebody else? I'm being treated for depression, but do I give up and let it rule and ruin what I have? No, I put up with the fact some days are shitter than others and get on with it.


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## hobbitonabike (25 Nov 2012)

When I was running I ran with my brother in law and another guy I know through our kids who was training for Ironman UK and was helping me out with my training for a half marathon. On the flip side mu uubby would run with women from work. There were never any issues on either side. We trust each other and you could say if it's gonna happen then it will happen anyway. Especially if you cling on with a nagging paranoid attitude...you will push them away.


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## Norm (25 Nov 2012)

sabian92 said:


> Well, yeah, relationships are nothing without trust. Why marry somebody you can't trust to be on their own? What's the point in being married?


 You misunderstand me, I'll try again but I feel you are doing it intentionally as I've said it a number of ways.

Why are you saying that the partner not wanting you to ride with a particular person must be because she doesn't trust you? Are there no other circumstances that you can imagine your fiancée would ask you not to ride with someone?


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## sabian92 (25 Nov 2012)

Norm said:


> You misunderstand me, I'll try again but I feel you are doing it intentionally as I've said it a number of ways.
> 
> Why are you saying that the partner not wanting you to ride with a particular person must be because she doesn't trust you? Are there no other circumstances that you can imagine your fiancée would ask you not to ride with someone?


 
I'm sorry if you feel I was doing it intentionally - not the case although I can see how it could be misconstrued.

I suppose there are other factors like they don't like the other person etc - but if it was a case of "No, you're not riding with Sally because I don't trust you" then there are serious issues that need to be addressed. I'll be honest, if my other half said that to me - I'd go and do it anyway. Not to be defiant or anything, but I'm an adult - I don't need permission like a little kid to go and do or not do something. Just as she is free to do what she likes. I can tell her I don't agree with it or I'd rather she didn't but ultimately if you stop them from doing things it's only a matter of time before they realise how controlling you and divorce you.

Bit morbid now but I'll say it anyway - You only live life once. Why waste it married to somebody who controls your every move? Get out there, enjoy yourself and bollocks to the rest of them. If it makes them unhappy, well, it's your life and not theirs.


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## MrJamie (25 Nov 2012)

It doesn't have to be about trust, your wife can trust implicitly that you would never cheat on her and still feel uncomfortable that you have another woman you share your free time and favourite hobby with, another woman who gets part of your life she can't relate to and understands part of you she can't. Some would be bothered, some wouldn't, but with all the compromise in a relationship I don't think its the biggest issue to worry about.

I don't see a problem with a platonic relationship though, so long as its not upsetting any other halves.


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## Crankarm (25 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> No pics I'm afraid...She is pretty and is in very good shape but...not on my agenda at all...seriously. Most of my rides have been solo over the last couple of months...so the miles just flew by with someone to talk to. Actually not sure how I would feel if my wife was out with a 'fit' bloke...but hope I would be ok


 
Come spring when the lambs and bunny wabbits are out go for a nice gentle 50 miler with your new female friend, find a nice lush field and in a gentle knoll amongst the spring flowers both get your Lyrca off and shag each other senseless. You can then finish your ride and go your separate ways. If on your return home your wifey remarks that you look shattered tell her it was the first 100 miler you have done and despite you and your female friend being experienced and fit cyclists you both bonked.


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## Norm (25 Nov 2012)

sabian92 said:


> I suppose there are other factors like they don't like the other person etc - but if it was a case of "No, you're not riding with Sally because I don't trust you" then there are serious issues that need to be addressed.


I agree, if it is about trust, there might be things which need to be discussed, but there could be other things in play.

I think the most obvious alternative might be along the lines of "What would the neighbours say?", which may raise another set of questions.


MrJamie said:


> It doesn't have to be about trust, your wife can trust implicitly that you would never cheat on her and still feel uncomfortable that you have another woman you share your free time and favourite hobby with, another woman who gets part of your life she can't relate to and understands part of you she can't. Some would be bothered, some wouldn't, but with all the compromise in a relationship I don't think its the biggest issue to worry about.
> 
> I don't see a problem with a platonic relationship though, so long as its not upsetting any other halves.


Yup, pretty much exactly that.


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## lukesdad (25 Nov 2012)

Wifey lines me up with all sorts of female buddies, she's had no luck so far unfortunately


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## Chescadence (25 Nov 2012)

I think asking yourself what's important really, rather than the right and wrongs.

Which would you rather have- Your partner being upset/jealous etc or cycling with the lady friend. Personally, I'd much rather have my wife feeling happy and not worrying than stress her out by going cycling with someone she worries about. A cycling partner is easy to replace, your wife, i'd assume, isn't.

Though, in my mind there's nothing wrong with it, in her mind there obviously is.

C


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## Flyingfox (25 Nov 2012)

I went out for a ride today with my male cycling buddy, admittedly there was 6 of us in the group, but if his girlfriend knew I was present there would be hell to pay - he doesn't tell her!


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## rich p (25 Nov 2012)

I went out for a spin with the wife but I daren't tell the girlfriend - she'd be sooooo mad.


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## oldroadman (25 Nov 2012)

Someone I consider my best friend is female, known her for many, many years, we have always been good mates. We can talk about literally anything, no worries, and it's possibly one of the most valuable relationships I have. Along with more intimate ones. It works, trust is required, and why should a man/woman friendship be much different to a man/man or woman/woman one? There is just as much chance of things getting closer if the inclination is there. I watched Brokeback Mountain...!


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## Crankarm (26 Nov 2012)

rich p said:


> I went out for a spin with the wife but I daren't tell the girlfriend - she'd be sooooo mad.


 
This is so British. The French are sooo cool about spouses having mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc.

The OP's solution is to persuade his wifey and new female cycling buddy to move with him to France then he needn't worry.

If he remains in the UK then he can look, but he can't touch.


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## BrumJim (26 Nov 2012)

For several years I have gone on holiday with my ex, and she has left her husband at home too. And my wife knows about this and is genuinely happy about it.

The mitigating factors are that we are part of a larger group, my wife has met my ex and gets on with her a lot better than I do, and knows that there is no chance of me and ex getting back together again. Splitting up with her was one of the best things that has ever happened to me (I hope she isn't on this forum!!). There are also genuine reasons why we don't take our other halves.

However, although my wife is definitely not the jealous type, she may object to me spending several hours at a time with another lady who shares a passion of mine, without others being around, and someone I have not previously known. Whilst I am singularly inept at initiating a relationship, have genuinely committed to staying with my wife for the rest of my life (or hers, whichever is the shorter) regardless of whoever else comes along, there is a need to avoid temptation or scurrilous rumours where necessary.

Advice? Context is important, but I don't think it would be too offensive to insist that you don't go on long or regular rides together without anyone else being present, unless you have know each other for a while and therefore know that you wouldn't stray.


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## Richard A Thackeray (27 Nov 2012)

My wife sometimes has issues with me running the girls at the Club - that's despite the fact that there's 25, or more, of us together (both male & female) on club-runs

For ease of transport/parking, I'll sometimes pick up 2 of the local girls, or the driver of the 2 will pick me up.
I've even taken Gail to a fell-race over at Haworth; picked her up, her husbands waved goodbye, we've ran & dropped her off once back home (she's even run 9 mile 'XC's with me around here)

I think her issues are that she thinks everyone of them looks like a 'Runners World' cover girl, but if they did, what would they be wanting from a 47 year old, 'gumpy old man', who's idea of a good time is a cup of tea & giggling at 'Red Dwarf', or 'Scrubs'????


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## CopperCyclist (27 Nov 2012)

BrumJim said:


> I have genuinely committed to staying with my wife for the rest of my life (or hers, whichever is the shorter)



Off topic, but this made me smile. It reads like a modern age, legally minded addition to the wedding vows!


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## Boris Bajic (27 Nov 2012)

There was an old adage that the closer a guest was to royalty, the more carefully you should count your silver when they've left.

I feel similarly about couples who make a song and dance about how utterly and exclusively committed they are to one another....

At the third mention of eternal bliss and the absolute impossibility of ever looking at another, I think "Is he visiting hookers or is she having an affair with his best friend?"

Sadly, my wife thinks similarly. We are a cynical (if eternally devoted) pair.

Come to think of it, why has my best friend been staying so much recently, and always when I'm away?


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## Cyclist33 (27 Nov 2012)

Richard A Thackeray said:


> My wife sometimes has issues with me running the girls at the Club - that's despite the fact that there's 25, or more, of us together (both male & female) on club-runs
> 
> For ease of transport/parking, I'll sometimes pick up 2 of the local girls, or the driver of the 2 will pick me up.
> I've even taken Gail to a fell-race over at Haworth; picked her up, her husbands waved goodbye, we've ran & dropped her off once back home (she's even run 9 mile 'XC's with me around here)
> ...


 
Exactly what sort of club is it where you're "running the girls"??


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## naminder (27 Nov 2012)

Richard A Thackeray said:


> My wife sometimes has issues with me running the girls at the Club - that's despite the fact that there's 25, or more, of us together (both male & female) on club-runs
> 
> For ease of transport/parking, I'll sometimes pick up 2 of the local girls, or the driver of the 2 will pick me up.
> I've even taken Gail to a fell-race over at Haworth; picked her up, her husbands waved goodbye, we've ran & dropped her off once back home (she's even run 9 mile 'XC's with me around here)
> ...


Does she know about the"club rubs"?


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## Hitchington (27 Nov 2012)

Going for a ride with another female is ok as long as she doesn't play with your ding-a-ling.


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## Easytigers (27 Nov 2012)

It's fine..I took the bell off


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## marshmella (27 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> It's fine..I took the bell off


I wouldn't get mentioning bells if i were you


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## SportMonkey (27 Nov 2012)

Boris Bajic said:


> There was an old adage that the closer a guest was to royalty, the more carefully you should count your silver when they've left.
> 
> I feel similarly about couples who make a song and dance about how utterly and exclusively committed they are to one another....
> 
> ...


 
Considering the work colleague that has the most paranoid/needy wife disappeared with the car we shared on a recent business trip to spend 5 hours at a strip club "chatting" to the strippers, this rings true.


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## billy1561 (28 Nov 2012)

This is an easy one for me. Rather than getting uptight about the opposite sex surely its more important to find a cycling buddy who is reliable and won't let you down. Someone who you can talk to as you ride and has a good attitude to life.


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## Silver Fox (29 Nov 2012)

RussLunn said:


> Although it was chucking it down this afternoon, managed a cycle. Was supposed to go with a workmate and her two friends (one male and the other female) but my workmate and the bloke chickened out because of the weather. I met up with the other person at the arranged time and we decided to go for it as we'd both managed to clear some ride time with our other halves. Was a great ride and was cool to get to know someone new...at the end of the ride we went our separate ways both saying it would be great to go out again (completely innocently btw)
> Didn't think any thing of it until I got home and was telling the wife about the ride...oh dear! She's really not happy that I went riding with 'another woman'...even though my wife wouldn't be seen dead riding a bike!!! I explained how innocent it was *but she's still not a happy camper and even less so at the thought that I might go out with her again...*
> Is it acceptable or not???


 
Dude, take it from me. Once that seed of doubt is planted it never leaves, it works both ways.


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