# Poo before you ride?



## Joffey (10 Oct 2015)

I've been hanging around at home since 7:30am trying to get my bowels to move so I don't get caught short on my ride. Anyone else have this trouble or do you just get out there with some bog roll just incase??


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## Doyleyburger (10 Oct 2015)

Always drop the kids off before I ride. Without fail


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## snorri (10 Oct 2015)

No and No.


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## Citius (10 Oct 2015)




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## gavroche (10 Oct 2015)

Never had any trouble with that but always go for a wee before a ride .


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## Stu Smith (10 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> I've been hanging around at home since 7:30am trying to get my bowels to move so I don't get caught short on my ride. Anyone else have this trouble or do you just get out there with some bog roll just incase??


Just get out there..


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## vickster (10 Oct 2015)

What's wrong with a cake stop, cafes have toilets


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## Dayvo (10 Oct 2015)

vickster said:


> What's wrong with a cake stop, cafes have toilets



Indeed! Then you can start 'topping up' again.


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## Bobby Mhor (10 Oct 2015)

A good strong cup of coffee afore you go can help clear things...
Tissues always in pack..


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## steve50 (10 Oct 2015)

A good hearty breakfast does the trick for me.


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## Pro Tour Punditry (10 Oct 2015)

You've been waiting 2 and a half hours to go for a crap? That would indicate you are not needing one.


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## ianrauk (10 Oct 2015)

You gotta love Cyclechat....


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## cisamcgu (10 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> I've been hanging around at home since 7:30am trying to get my bowels to move so I don't get caught short on my ride. Anyone else have this trouble or do you just get out there with some bog roll just incase??




This is the funniest ever !!!!


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## Fab Foodie (10 Oct 2015)

I find a chicken vindaloo and 10 pints of Futtocks 'Old Scrotum' the night before ensures my bowls are fully moved before I cycle ... In fact sometimes even before I've got out of bed ....


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## winjim (10 Oct 2015)

Is that not what the padded shorts are for?


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## Poacher (10 Oct 2015)

I seem to recall an anecdote concerning a TdF rider (maybe Sean Yates?) who had some toilet trouble on the road, did a rather sloppy one while still riding, wiped as well as he could and discarded the soiled paper. A young fan apparently thought it was a collectable souvenir and ran along the road to grab it.

Abject apologies to anyone about to have breakfast.


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## NorthernDave (10 Oct 2015)

Always go before you go - unless of course, you don't need to go - then you can just go without going..

Although not doing so can help you to set a PB over the last half mile to home...


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## winjim (10 Oct 2015)

I'm led to believe it's more of an issue for runners than for cyclists. Image search "Jogger's trots" if you're curious.


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## NorthernDave (10 Oct 2015)

Fab Foodie said:


> I find a chicken vindaloo and 10 pints of Futtocks 'Old Scrotum' the night before ensures my bowls are fully moved before I cycle.



This is virtually guaranteed to work, although in some circles it may be considered 'bad form' if you are going on a group ride. It does have the added advantage of ensuring that you will only be asked to ride at the front once though....

It can also result in some segment times being ruled out as "wind assisted"


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## cyberknight (10 Oct 2015)

Wasnt it Greg Lemond had a dump in one of his domestiques caps ?


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## ufkacbln (10 Oct 2015)

cyberknight said:


> Wasnt it Greg Lemond had a dump in one of his domestiques caps ?



Chapeau?


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## xxDarkRiderxx (10 Oct 2015)

Water water water........ The night before a ride.


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## Pro Tour Punditry (10 Oct 2015)

cyberknight said:


> Wasnt it Greg Lemond had a dump in one of his domestiques caps ?


The story told here:
https://www.velopress.com/2012/06/enjoy-the-entire-first-chapter-of-slaying-the-badger/


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## DWiggy (10 Oct 2015)

Every time before I leave the house for my ride in and my ride home but when I drive in...nothing! must be psychological


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## Mugshot (10 Oct 2015)

winjim said:


> Is that not what the padded shorts are for?


That's disgusting!!! Pads are for a wee, the pockets in your jersey however....


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## ufkacbln (10 Oct 2015)

Reminds me..... there was a phantom pooper at one of the Naval Bases 

His speciality was delivering turds in the most unlikely places... and with seemingly unnatural speed

Two classics were the guy who got into the shower and put his hand into his washbag, and the other one who picked p his jacket and put his hand in his pocket for his fags

Both got more than they expected!


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## Tin Pot (10 Oct 2015)




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## TheJDog (10 Oct 2015)

Citius said:


>


This dog is doing an amazing impression of Wiggo.


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## Gravity Aided (10 Oct 2015)

I just wait for the clearance, but I'm in the US, and it's a lot more remote. My nearest stop, once leaving town, would be quite a few miles north. I've been known to stop and bust a dookie in a suitably private area, though. Did a lot of biking and hiking from the age I could walk, so no big thing. Elegant trowel and TP go along on any ride over 20 miles. Coffee from french press also seems to get the festivities underway nicely.


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## Crackle (10 Oct 2015)

Has he been yet?


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## Dec66 (10 Oct 2015)

If you can go, do.

If you can't, and you're concerned that you might, factor in a coffee stop.

If you can't, and you don't want to factor in a coffee stop, take wet wipes and a carrier bag. Then perhaps keep the package handy for an inconsiderate motorist, or if you live near me, pop it over Nigel Farage's garden wall (does his lovely English roses the world of good).

Incidentally, I've been dropping bombs as I typed this. Ironic, eh?


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## Dec66 (10 Oct 2015)

Poacher said:


> I seem to recall an anecdote concerning a TdF rider (maybe Sean Yates?) who had some toilet trouble on the road, did a rather sloppy one while still riding, wiped as well as he could and discarded the soiled paper. A young fan apparently thought it was a collectable souvenir and ran along the road to grab it.
> 
> Abject apologies to anyone about to have breakfast.


On the stage held the day before he died, Tommy Simpson deposited copious amounts of diahorrea all over his bike, his legs, everywhere. Some poor bugger was detailed to clean it all up.

He's probably still be with us today, had he needed the warning signs.

(Simpson, that is, not the sh!t monkey)


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## Dec66 (10 Oct 2015)

Mugshot said:


> That's disgusting!!! Pads are for a wee, the pockets in your jersey however....


The rolled up newspaper in the pocket of the person in front of you is an old favourite of the Kopite.


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## HertzvanRental (10 Oct 2015)

Fab Foodie said:


> I find a chicken vindaloo and 10 pints of Futtocks 'Old Scrotum' the night before ensures my bowls are fully moved before I cycle ... In fact sometimes even before I've got out of bed ....


I have this wonderful mental image of you about to mount your cycle having had your bowls moved!!


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## steve50 (10 Oct 2015)

Just arrived back at home after a busy morning, thanks for the laughs. some classic answers and suggestions in this thread, it has done my chuckle muscle a power of good


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## Globalti (10 Oct 2015)

Coffee does the job.

Oops......


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## Smokin Joe (10 Oct 2015)

Marmion said:


> The story told here:
> https://www.velopress.com/2012/06/enjoy-the-entire-first-chapter-of-slaying-the-badger/


Tom Simpson asked Colin Lewis for hi cap during a Tour de France. He got the cap, nipped behind a hedge and crapped into it.


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## shouldbeinbed (10 Oct 2015)

winjim said:


> Is that not what the padded shorts are for?


Well if they weren't padded before.......


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## shouldbeinbed (10 Oct 2015)

cyberknight said:


> Wasnt it Greg Lemond had a dump in one of his domestiques caps ?


It was Lemond that had a bad dose of the squits and made an impromptu toilet out of a stack of Hinault's publicity photos when he realised the motorhome had no toilet.

©slaying the badger

Edit: haha TMN'd by @Marmion


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## Smurfy (10 Oct 2015)

Crackle said:


> Has he been yet?


If not he must have read everything available by now, and moved on to yellow pages and the telephone book.


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## albion (10 Oct 2015)

Globalti said:


> Coffee does the job.
> 
> Oops......


Jimmy Riddle says 'a good scoop of filter coffee will make you poop, but it never quite makes you shite with an instant.'


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## winjim (10 Oct 2015)

YellowTim said:


> If not he must have read everything available by now, and moved on to yellow pages and the telephone book.


On Embarrassing Bodies, it was phone books that they recommended putting under one's feet in order to achieve the squatting position on the bog.

Edit: Wrong poo thread! How often does that happen?


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## uclown2002 (10 Oct 2015)

These crap threads tend to run in to dozens of pages..............


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## Dayvo (10 Oct 2015)

winjim said:


> On Embarrassing Bodies, it was phone books that they recommended putting under one's feet in order to achieve the squatting position on the bog.
> 
> Edit: Wrong poo thread! How often does that happen?



A scary book would do the trick.


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## T.M.H.N.E.T (10 Oct 2015)

A mathematician would work it out with a pencil


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## shouldbeinbed (10 Oct 2015)

T.M.H.N.E.T said:


> A mathematician would work it out with a pencil


Better than a washing machine engineer, they'd use a Hotpoint


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## Herbie (11 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> I've been hanging around at home since 7:30am trying to get my bowels to move so I don't get caught short on my ride. Anyone else have this trouble or do you just get out there with some bog roll just incase??



Lol....i try to go before a ride as well


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## snorri (11 Oct 2015)

Thinking back, it took me years to understand the do's and don'ts of my bowel movements but just a week or two to learn to go ( a grossly oversized) bike.
I'll be forever grateful to my parents, bless them, who ensured I got the toilet training sorted out a long long time before starting out on the bike training.
Funny how we think other children would be trained similarly, but clearly not in this case.


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## buggi (11 Oct 2015)

Two and a half hours? You could have done the ride by now!


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## Milkfloat (11 Oct 2015)

I am with the OP, not literally as that would be a bit weird. I always have a pre match poo, been doing it for years in all sports. I don't think I have ever had to wait so long though, I think I have trained my body.


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## Mo1959 (11 Oct 2015)

Cup of strong coffee first thing usually helps.


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## subaqua (11 Oct 2015)

Cunobelin said:


> Chapeau?


Surely crapeau


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## puffinbilly (11 Oct 2015)

If you're still waiting after 2 plus hours - think you may need to get some tinkering with the bottom bracket - I would avoid using GT85.


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## screenman (11 Oct 2015)

You need a squatty potty.

http://www.amazon.com/Squatty-Potty-Ecco-Toilet-Stool/product-reviews/B007BISCT0#


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## Gravity Aided (11 Oct 2015)

Or this thread
https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/squatty-potty-anyone.189069/


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## screenman (11 Oct 2015)

Gravity Aided said:


> Or this thread
> https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/squatty-potty-anyone.189069/



To many people who have not used one poo pooing the idea on that one.


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## Karlt (11 Oct 2015)

You lot - four pages on laying a cable. For what it's worth, I find that both with cycling and with walking the dirt-chute tends to shut down for the duration. It's like it knows no facilities will be available.


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## Sunny Portrush (11 Oct 2015)

Do what bears do - dock leaves are not good just for nettle stings


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## Racing roadkill (11 Oct 2015)

I just crack on, if I shoite myself, then I get the coffee shop to myself.


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## Dave7 (11 Oct 2015)

This is one interesting forum  One bloke has his "wedding tackle" freezing off and another can't have a morning dump.
As someone else said..........if you have waited 2 1/2 hours maybe your bowels are telling you that you don't really need one.


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## wisdom (11 Oct 2015)

Howling at this thread.


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## Dec66 (11 Oct 2015)

Could I just say a big thanks to whomever has helpfully tagged the thread with the term "poo".

For a moment there, I'd almost forgotten the subject matter. Which could get me into all manner of trouble at my age.


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## shouldbeinbed (11 Oct 2015)

I ususally have a bit of malt loaf pre ride but each to their own.


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## vernon (11 Oct 2015)

T.M.H.N.E.T said:


> A mathematician would work it out with a pencil



In logs....


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## Gravity Aided (11 Oct 2015)

Dave7 said:


> One bloke has his "wedding tackle" freezing off


Time for that third sock again this year. I had to wear one the other day.


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## winjim (11 Oct 2015)

Dec66 said:


> Could I just say a big thanks to whomever has helpfully tagged the thread with the term "poo".
> 
> For a moment there, I'd almost forgotten the subject matter. Which could get me into all manner of trouble at my age.


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## ianrauk (11 Oct 2015)

Did he shyte in the end, or still trying?


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## Gravity Aided (11 Oct 2015)

Let's all hope he did. If he's shyting somewhere other than the end,bigger issues demand resolution


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## winjim (11 Oct 2015)




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## Joffey (12 Oct 2015)

Poo update. Shortly after starting this thread I managed to do one but my ride time had significantly been reduced so instead of having the 50 mile ride I had planned I ended up doing 15 and coming home.

On Sunday, learning from Saturday's bad experience I got up even earlier, managed to do one at 7:50am and got out for a couple of hours to make up for Saturday's dissapooment... 

I future I think I'll just take the brown gamble and ride out anyway, not straying too far out the way of a good cafe just incase :-D


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## Dec66 (12 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> I future I think I'll just take the brown gamble and ride out anyway, not straying too far out the way of a good cafe just incase :-D



The "brown gamble"... Tremendous, I'm having that.


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## Sbudge (12 Oct 2015)

I've not had this particular issue before setting off but during a ride the combination of a brand new set of carbon wheels, new pads and a 15% descent into an unexpected T-junction nearly did the trick on Saturday!


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## Dave7 (12 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> Poo update. Shortly after starting this thread I managed to do one but my ride time had significantly been reduced so instead of having the 50 mile ride I had planned I ended up doing 15 and coming home.
> 
> On Sunday, learning from Saturday's bad experience I got up even earlier, managed to do one at 7:50am and got out for a couple of hours to make up for Saturday's dissapooment...
> 
> I future I think I'll just take the brown gamble and ride out anyway, not straying too far out the way of a good cafe just incase :-D



Photographic evidence is required


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## Mugshot (12 Oct 2015)

Joffey said:


> Poo update. Shortly after starting this thread I managed to do one but my ride time had significantly been reduced so instead of having the 50 mile ride I had planned I ended up doing 15 and coming home.
> 
> On Sunday, learning from Saturday's bad experience I got up even earlier, managed to do one at 7:50am and got out for a couple of hours to make up for Saturday's dissapooment...
> 
> I future I think I'll just take the brown gamble and ride out anyway, not straying too far out the way of a good cafe just incase :-D


 Well done that man!!!!!
Thanks for the update too


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## sight-pin (12 Oct 2015)

Is this one of them Time and Motion studies?


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## T.M.H.N.E.T (12 Oct 2015)

Craptacular!


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## The_Weekend_Report_Guy (12 Oct 2015)

What a shitty thread we got here..!

Like a clock my body knows is time for a ride.. After I am fully kitted I need to go... so I know this and set the alarm 5 minutes earlier.. to dress and undress my self.


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## Dayvo (12 Oct 2015)

vernon said:


> In logs....



And with a bit of rhythm, too.


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## Leaway2 (12 Oct 2015)

Gravity Aided said:


> bust a dookie


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## blackgoff (12 Oct 2015)

Marmion said:


> You've been waiting 2 and a half hours to go for a crap? That would indicate you are not needing one.



Why do I find the word crap - in this post funny ?


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## Gravity Aided (12 Oct 2015)

The_Weekend_Report_Guy said:


> What a shitty thread we got here..!
> 
> Like a clock my body knows is time for a ride.. After I am fully kitted I need to go... so I know this and set the alarm 5 minutes earlier.. to dress and undress my self.


I blame spandex.


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## DWiggy (13 Oct 2015)

Sound like you might need one of these http://www.squattypotty.co.uk/


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## byegad (13 Oct 2015)

A bit of a problem here too. while usually you can set your watch by my morning visit, I occasionally have this issue. Some paper in a dry sac on the trike means a hedge inspection is always possible, but over 15+ years of riding I've only had to 'do the business' al fresco a couple of times.


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## Chris S (13 Oct 2015)

Marmion said:


> You've been waiting 2 and a half hours to go for a crap? That would indicate you are not needing one.


but he soon will be ...


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## ufkacbln (14 Oct 2015)

Slightly OT


We are on a canal boat this week, and my Sister in Law has a thing about the logos and that "nothing solid" must go down them

She keeps reiterating this every time someone uses

Elderly Mother in Law took this at face value and came it with a tissue wrapped package as it was a"solid" and therefore couldn't go down the loo


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## snorri (14 Oct 2015)

I'd never have thought about it before but it appears there may be a business opportunity for some bright spark to develop a cycle towable Portaloo.


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## winjim (14 Oct 2015)

snorri said:


> I'd never have thought about it before but it appears there may be a business opportunity for some bright spark to develop a cycle towable Portaloo.


Get one of these:





And just gaffer tape a plastic bag in place.


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## Leaway2 (14 Oct 2015)

User said:


> When we're on the boat we try to keep the solids for the pub stops... and there's nothing wrong with peeing over the side - just watch out for dog walkers.


Wow, that must be some range you have.


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## ufkacbln (14 Oct 2015)

snorri said:


> I'd never have thought about it before but it appears there may be a business opportunity for some bright spark to develop a cycle towable Portaloo.



We used to have a friend who was a real lightweight camping freak

We arrived to meet him at a campsite locally to join him for the night

Arrived on the bikes with a Vango Force ten, and A BOB trailer with a loo tent and Porta Potti as a wind up!


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## Dayvo (14 Oct 2015)

snorri said:


> I'd never have thought about it before but it appears there may be a business opportunity for some bright spark to develop a cycle towable Portaloo.








Next!


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## mustang1 (14 Oct 2015)

You guys really talk about all sorts of 5hit around here don't you


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## ianrauk (14 Oct 2015)

mustang1 said:


> You guys really talk about all sorts of 5hit around here don't you



You could say they're full of crap.


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## Joffey (14 Oct 2015)

I didn't foresee this thread taking off like it has!!


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