# Cycle shorts and.......erm......bits 'n pieces.



## MikeG (31 Mar 2014)

Why can't the pad extend a little further up the front? Why can't I walk into a cafe without carrying my helmet nonchalantly in a very strategic manner?

Mike


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## oldfatfool (31 Mar 2014)

Worst I think I have a big willy thread ever.


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## MikeG (31 Mar 2014)

No, no. I'm being serious. Big, small or average, I don't want to see other people's, any more than I want other people to see mine, with only a thin bit of lycra stretched over it.


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## PpPete (31 Mar 2014)

Get over it - at least 50% of the population have one.


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## MikeG (31 Mar 2014)

But at least 0.001% of the population have it on display..........


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## IDMark2 (31 Mar 2014)

I just tell people there's no pockets in my jersey and I have to keep my banana somewhere...


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## MikeG (31 Mar 2014)

I just tell people it's cold........


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## vickster (31 Mar 2014)

Erm try to position it differently somehow?!


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## Cuchilo (31 Mar 2014)

vickster said:


> Erm try to position it differently somehow?!


It can only go left , right or up . Up isn't recommend .


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

Been posted a million times, but worth it again.

DONT WEAR RED


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Been posted a million times, but worth it again.
> 
> DONT WEAR RED


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## vickster (31 Mar 2014)

Cuchilo said:


> It can only go left , right or up . Up isn't recommend .


Perhaps invest in the puppetry of the p***s book, good for a laugh and a wtf anyhow


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## Cuchilo (31 Mar 2014)

vickster said:


> Perhaps invest in the puppetry of the p***s book, good for a laugh and a wtf anyhow


I think the op wants to hide it not dress it up


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

Where is @Fnaar


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## buggi (31 Mar 2014)

try testicle tucking


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

buggi said:


> try testicle tucking




There is no way i am even going to google that.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> There is no way i am even going to google that.



Go on. You know you want to peteaud


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Go on. You know you want to peteaud



Do you wish to enlighten us


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Do you wish to enlighten us



I haven't googled it either.


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I haven't googled it either.



Well there is no way i am tucking my spuds into anything.  i am not sure about


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## buggi (31 Mar 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I haven't googled it either.


do it do it do it!!!

just don't do it at work!!!


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Well there is now way i am tucking my spuds into anything.  i am not sure about



Spuds


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Spuds



Love spuds to be 100% accurate.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

buggi said:


> do it do it do it!!!
> 
> just don't do it at work!!!



OMG . That is so funmy.


Peteaud said:


> Love spuds to be 100% accurate.



You wish


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## steveindenmark (31 Mar 2014)

Don't hide, flaunt it.

Steve


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

buggi said:


> do it do it do it!!!
> 
> just don't do it at work!!!



OMG WTF  i am now in a bad bad place, that is so wrong, on so many levels, and by the love of all that is holy, thats gotta hurt.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

steveindenmark said:


> Don't hide, flaunt it.
> 
> Steve



You could get arested


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## buggi (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> OMG WTF  i am now in a bad bad place, that is so wrong, on so many levels, and by the love of all that is holy, thats gotta hurt.


 but it does get em out the way!!


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> OMG WTF  i am now in a bad bad place, that is so wrong, on so many levels, and by the love of all that is holy, thats gotta hurt.


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## steveindenmark (31 Mar 2014)

Or even chatted up. 

Steve


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

buggi said:


> but it does get em out the way!!



So does a chainsaw, but i wont be doing that either.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

steveindenmark said:


> Or even chatted up.
> 
> Steve



There is that possibility of course.


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## screenman (31 Mar 2014)

I take it the OP does not wear Speedo's when swimming.


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

screenman said:


> I take it the OP does not wear Speedo's when swimming.



I doubt whether the OP would wear budgie smugglers at all.


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## Adam4868 (31 Mar 2014)

Am I the only one who keeps their gloves down there


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> I doubt whether the OP would wear budgie smugglers at all.




Please stop. I'm crying here with laughter


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## screenman (31 Mar 2014)

He needs a Sporan, or a bum bag (somehow that does not sound right).


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## Octet (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> OMG WTF  i am now in a bad bad place, that is so wrong, on so many levels, and by the love of all that is holy, thats gotta hurt.



When they say "tuck and tape", are we talking about duct or cellotape?


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## screenman (31 Mar 2014)

Adam4868 said:


> Am I the only one who keeps their gloves down there



You could be the only one who does not take them off of their hands first though.


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## Crackle (31 Mar 2014)

Just put some lippy on before you go in the cafe, no one will look down then.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Octet said:


> When they say "tuck and tape", are we talking about duct or cellotape?



Both? I may have to have another look at that on the internet.


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## Octet (31 Mar 2014)

screenman said:


> He needs a Sporan, or a bum bag (somehow that does not sound right).



Or a dance belt?


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Crackle said:


> Just put some lippy on before you go in the cafe, no one will look down then.



Are you speaking from experience?


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

Crackle said:


> Just put some lippy on before you go in the cafe, no one will look down then.



So go in wearing lippy, with a tuck and tape.


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## Crackle (31 Mar 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Are you speaking from experience?


No, I've got nothing to hide. If you see what I mean.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Crackle said:


> No, I've got nothing to hide. If you see what I mean.


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## Fnaar (31 Mar 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Where is @Fnaar


Very occasionally I take time away from the screen. improving my knoweldge of the Spanish language and Italian 'artisan' breads 
But it doesn't take me long to get back to helmet jokes.


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## Shut Up Legs (31 Mar 2014)

buggi said:


> try testicle tucking


Is that like an aero-tuck? _Geeez_, some people will do just about anything to build up more speed!


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## IDMark2 (31 Mar 2014)

Now look you lot, the OP said he was being serious about this, and what has he got? Three pages of innuendos and cheap jokes. 

In fact, he should just print it all out and stuff the print out paper down his shorts, both showing the contempt he got for a serious question and solving the problem at the same time.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

IanDuke said:


> Now look you lot, the OP said he was being serious about this, and what has he got? Three pages of innuendos and cheap jokes.
> 
> In fact, he should just print it all out and stuff the print out paper down his shorts, both showing the contempt he got for a serious question and solving the problem at the same time.



Ive forgotten what this thread was about now


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

Ah yes. I remember now. You want the pad to go further up in the front. I think you'll find that's called a nappy


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## Peteaud (31 Mar 2014)

IanDuke said:


> Now look you lot, the OP said he was being serious about this, and what has he got? Three pages of innuendos and cheap jokes.
> .




Point of order, this thread is very educational.

We now know what plum folding is.

And i know i never want to become a tranny.  as it will hurt, alot.


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## ayceejay (31 Mar 2014)

The thing with the helmet rhing is to remove your hands at a certain point to see if it stays on its own - the girls will be impressed by this.


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## MikeG (31 Mar 2014)

Anyone notice that Welsh Dragon is showing an awful lot of interest in this thread about men's bits? Not that that means anything of course. Who sir? Me sir? Heaven forfend. No sirree........

For those who worried about the OP not getting what he wanted from the thread, let me just say that I had low expectations, and they've been met.


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## IDMark2 (31 Mar 2014)

_Whatever the cycling diet/ nutrition/ fuel question, the answer is almost always "flapjacks"._

Also probably the answer if you're concerned about cherries being too free and likelihood of oats being available.


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## welsh dragon (31 Mar 2014)

MikeG said:


> Anyone notice that Welsh Dragon is showing an awful lot of interest in this thread about men's bits? Not that that means anything of course. Who sir? Me sir? Heaven forfend. No sirree........
> 
> For those who worried about the OP not getting what he wanted from the thread, let me just say that I had low expectations, and they've been met.



The fact is, I'm having a great time at your expense sir. This is very funny. I thought it was only women who talked about bits.now i know differently. Carry on men.


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## Mr Celine (31 Mar 2014)

Wear a jersey like this







If you casually sling your willy over your shoulder everyone will think you're a petrol pump.

Works for me.


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## buggi (31 Mar 2014)

Mr Celine said:


> Wear a jersey like this
> 
> 
> 
> ...


lmao


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## marknotgeorge (1 Apr 2014)

IanDuke said:


> _Whatever the cycling diet/ nutrition/ fuel question, the answer is almost always "flapjacks"._
> 
> Also probably the answer if you're concerned about cherries being too free and likelihood of oats being available.



Isn't there a danger of crumbs?


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## Bryony (1 Apr 2014)

I'm crying with laughter reading this thread!


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## MikeG (1 Apr 2014)

Bryony said:


> I'm crying with laughter reading this thread!


Yebbut........what are you doing even looking Bryony? You know you shouldn't be looking, yet you can't help yourself, can you?


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> ...what are you doing even looking You know you shouldn't be looking, yet you can't help yourself, can you?



I thought that was the problem in the 1st place. 

After much research, i have found the perfect answer.

Comfy, hides the plums and bratworst and even adds protection from falling off.


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> I thought that was the problem in the 1st place.
> 
> After much research, i have found the perfect answer.
> 
> Comfy, hides the plums and bratworst and even adds protection from falling off.


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## gavroche (2 Apr 2014)

You could always have a sex change, that would solve your problem.


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

If you wear that get up above, you wouldn't need a sex change. Your bits would soon disappear


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> If you wear that get up above, you wouldn't need a sex change. Your bits would soon disappear



But then there would be camel questions


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> But then there would be camel questions



No. No. No. Do, not go there under any circumstances. EVER.


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## vickster (2 Apr 2014)

Not an issue with padded shorts


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> No. No. No. Do, not go there under any circumstances. EVER.



I won,t.



,


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> I won,t.
> 
> 
> 
> ,



You're a bad bad man, but you already know that.


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## fimm (2 Apr 2014)

I'm sure the OP's bits are not nearly as obvious as he fears they are...
I am always slightly puzzled by this kind of reaction. 48% of the population have a penis and testicles. And? Why is this so embarassing?


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## MikeG (2 Apr 2014)

User13710 said:


> Penis, testicles, and what?


Prostate, unfortunately.

Crap design, the prostate.......not that the design of any of the rest of the kit is wonderful, but the prostate is just rubbish.


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## MikeG (2 Apr 2014)

Did you know............

........than an elephant's testicles are somewhere near its kidneys? About 5 feet away from its penis. Now, in cycling terms, having inboard testicles wouldn't be such a bad idea.


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

User13710 said:


> Penis, testicles, and what?



Mince and breadcrumbs.











Sorry i thought you wanted to know whats in a Asda Sausage


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> Did you know............
> 
> ........than an elephant's testicles are somewhere near its kidneys? About 5 feet away from its penis. .



And if Mrs aud finds out how much my bike really cost, so will mine


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## vickster (2 Apr 2014)

fimm said:


> I'm sure the OP's bits are not nearly as obvious as he fears they are...
> I am always slightly puzzled by this kind of reaction. 48% of the population have a penis and testicles. And? Why is this so embarassing?


Yes but the superior  52% don't necessarily want to see it when tucking into their cake in a cafe


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## fimm (2 Apr 2014)

Vickster, why not? And I don't mean that in a sexual way - what I mean is, what is so disgusting about a man's genitals that a glimpse of some lumps under some lycra is going to put you off your cake?


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## TeeQue (2 Apr 2014)

I put my cycling shorts on before going out Saturday and to be honest I may as well have not been wearing anything for what you could see. It doesn't bother me but I was stopping off at my mother's house en route and the mrs advised to stick another pair of shorts over the top so as not to startle her. To be fair I barely noticed them (short football shorts) but it saved her from having a full on view of the meat and two veg which I don't think she'd have appreciated.


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## vickster (2 Apr 2014)

fimm said:


> Vickster, why not? And I don't mean that in a sexual way - what I mean is, what is so disgusting about a man's genitals that a glimpse of some lumps under some lycra is going to put you off your cake?


It doesn't bother me as long as the rest is trim  but I am sure it may some. I don't think my 70 year old mum would appreciate it for example

It's a male OP who is bothered and looking for advice. The quality of the shorts seems to help, once old shorts seem to go see through, having had the misfortune of following some bloke in see through white shorts. I'd rather not have to look at anyone's a**e crack


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## Crackle (2 Apr 2014)

vickster said:


> Yes but the superior  52% don't necessarily want to see it when tucking into their cake in a cafe


Spotted dick?


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## vickster (2 Apr 2014)

Precisely!
Or their doughnuts 
or dough balls in a pizza joint...or even their coq au vin in cafe rouge!


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## Cubist (2 Apr 2014)

vickster said:


> Yes but the superior  52% don't necessarily want to see it when tucking into their cake in a cafe


Surreal moment for me there. I misread it and missed out the "when." The thought of it tucking into cake in a cafe made me think of elephants and buns. Or tortoises and popcorn.


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Cubist said:


> Surreal moment for me there. I misread it and missed out the "when." The thought of it tucking into cake in a cafe made me think of elephants and buns. Or tortoises and popcorn.


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## Arjimlad (2 Apr 2014)

According to the internet recently, one might try disguising said meat & 2 veg in a (cooled) Gregg's pasty if some form of shielding is required ?


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## Gixxerman (2 Apr 2014)

Should said helmet be covered or uncovered though?
I sense another helmet debate, my boy!
Shalom.


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## Joshua Plumtree (2 Apr 2014)

It's a little difficult to approach this thread with the necessary gravitas and well reasoned argument it requires when the OP hasn't accompanied his opening remarks with visual confirmation in the form of a photograph.

Only then will we be able to treat this thread with the respect it obviously deserves.


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Joshua Plumtree said:


> It's a little difficult to approach this thread with the necessary gravitas and well reasoned argument it requires when the OP hasn't accompanied his opening remarks with visual confirmation in the form of a photograph.
> 
> Only then will we be able to treat this thread with the respect it obviously deserves.



Yeah right of course we will. . Oh by the way, my fingers are crossed


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## Bryony (2 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> Yebbut........what are you doing even looking Bryony? You know you shouldn't be looking, yet you can't help yourself, can you?



Well what can I say? You're right I just can't help myself!


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Yeah right of course we will. . Oh by the way, my fingers are crossed



Why do i sense that you like this thread, rather too much


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## hopless500 (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Been posted a million times, but worth it again.
> 
> DONT WEAR RED


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Why do i sense that you like this thread, rather too much



I just think it's very funny, that people extol the advantages of lycra, then complain about and how they look when not on they're bikes. That's life I'm afraid. You can't have everything peteaud, but I can have a laugh.


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## hopless500 (2 Apr 2014)

This thread has made me


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## Peteaud (2 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I just think it's very funny, that people extol the advantages of lycra, then complain about and how they look when not on they're bikes. That's life I'm afraid. You can't have everything peteaud, but I can have a laugh.



Your laughing at my what now ?


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## welsh dragon (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Your laughing at my what now ?



 I didnt say anything. Not me. Nope


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## wait4me (2 Apr 2014)

Gixxerman said:


> Should said helmet be covered or uncovered though?
> I sense another helmet debate, my boy!
> Shalom.



But isn't the helmet only part of the problem??????????


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## Trull (2 Apr 2014)

There's a serious side to this, as an Ex-President of Aberdeen Astronomical Society I'm expected to give talks on the cosmos and things to see above Aberdeen, but I've got to get some miles in… so I've taken to cycling to talks. So, I'll wear the full lycra getup, but what to do at the show? Well I found a very compactly packing overtrouser which can serve double duty as yuk weather protection and still be smartish for an astro talk without causing any coronaries for the front row. So, so long as your lycra shorts are comfy while cycling, carrying 150g of overtrouser is a sensible option to maintain your modesty.


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## MikeG (2 Apr 2014)

Joshua Plumtree said:


> It's a little difficult to approach this thread with the necessary gravitas and well reasoned argument it requires when the OP hasn't accompanied his opening remarks with visual confirmation in the form of a photograph.
> 
> Only then will we be able to treat this thread with the respect it obviously deserves.



 I've given this all the consideration it deserves (half a millisecond), and decided against it. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## IDMark2 (2 Apr 2014)

Finally! A serious answer... and from a man who is normally more used to looking up, not down... and living where he does can't be that used to wearing shorts... 

Right, getting back to the general air of smuttiness.. the floor is yours....


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## buggi (2 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> But then there would be camel questions


 
say "no" to camel toe!


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## Cuchilo (2 Apr 2014)

buggi said:


> say "no" to camel toe!


That's not as easy as you think


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## Leaway2 (4 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> without carrying my helmet


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## Andy_R (5 Apr 2014)

Somehow, I'm sure I've stumbled into the scriptwriters' meeting for "Carry on Cycling.."


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## Peteaud (5 Apr 2014)

Andy_R said:


> Somehow, I'm sure I've stumbled into the scriptwriters' meeting for "Carry on Cycling.."



didnt you know @welsh dragon is playing Babs.


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## welsh dragon (5 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> didnt you know @welsh dragon is playing Babs.



 don't you start again.


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## ayceejay (5 Apr 2014)

It was minus 6 out there today and this took care of any exhibition of dangling appendage by changing its colour and size, apparently brass monkeys have a similar problem.


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## Peteaud (5 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> don't you start again.


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## welsh dragon (5 Apr 2014)

I'm not saying anything else. If I do someone will think I'm enjoying this thread far too much.  not memtioning any names peteaud


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## Andy_R (5 Apr 2014)

How about this instead them:


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## Peteaud (5 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I'm not saying anything else. If I do someone will think I'm enjoying this thread far too much.  not memtioning any names peteaud



Something for you to drrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam about


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## welsh dragon (5 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Something for you to drrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam about



The man of my dreams.


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## Peteaud (5 Apr 2014)

PMSL


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## welsh dragon (5 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> PMSL



LMFAO


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## Peteaud (5 Apr 2014)

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fKTxZEPv1w


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## welsh dragon (5 Apr 2014)

Good old Juan shhh


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## User6179 (5 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> Why can't the pad extend a little further up the front? Why can't I walk into a cafe without carrying my helmet nonchalantly in a very strategic manner?
> 
> Mike


Is your name Mike Oxlong ?


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## HB_Dude (7 Apr 2014)

Andy_R said:


> How about this instead them:



Do you reckon this chaffs???


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## HB_Dude (7 Apr 2014)

Just a thought.....why is this even a concern or consideration? 
Has no-one noticed the serious wardrobe failures that wanter round most town centres.... and come summertime , well, need I say more?!

I say wear your padded shorts with pride and greet 'stare-ers' with , " ah I see you've spotted my banana!"


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

HB_Dude said:


> Just a thought.....why is this even a concern or consideration?
> Has no-one noticed the serious wardrobe failures that wanter round most town centres.... and come summertime , well, need I say more?!
> 
> I say wear your padded shorts with pride and greet 'stare-ers' with , " ah I see you've spotted my banana!"



Is that a fact. Banana?


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## HB_Dude (7 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Is that a fact. Banana?



Well, no-one would ever believe you would eat a cucumber whilst out cycling


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

HB_Dude said:


> Well, no-one would ever believe you would eat a cucumber whilst out cycling


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## Andy_R (7 Apr 2014)

How about a gherkin?


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Andy_R said:


> How about a gherkin?


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## MikeG (7 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Is that a fact. Banana?


She's back in this thread!! Petaud. PETAUD. Where are you?


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> She's back in this thread!! Petaud. PETAUD. Where are you?



Your a rat. Be quiet you. Shhhhh  he'll hear you


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## MikeG (7 Apr 2014)

*PETAUD!!!!!!!!!*


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> *PETAUD!!!!!!!!!*



Oh for gods sake SHHHHhhhhhh. Give me a break. He'll never let me live this down.


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## MikeG (7 Apr 2014)

*Petaud*. Get yourself in here.......*NOW!*


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

He's not here and I'm busy




eating. So there


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## Andy_R (7 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> He's not here and I'm busy
> View attachment 41722
> eating. So there


bananas, cucumbers or gherkins?


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Andy_R said:


> bananas, cucumbers or gherkins?




Errrrrrr. Spaghetti ?


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## Peteaud (7 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> *PETAUD!!!!!!!!!*





welsh dragon said:


> He's not here and I'm busy
> View attachment 41722
> eating. So there



Dont speak with your mouth full young lady.


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Dont speak with your mouth full young lady.



As you can see, I eat in a very ladylike way. Very delicate


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## Peteaud (7 Apr 2014)

@welsh dragon 

You have mail.


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> @welsh dragon
> 
> You have mail.



No I don't


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> @welsh dragon
> 
> You have mail.



Yes I do.


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## Peteaud (7 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> No I don't



Yes you do, give me chance to write it.


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## Peteaud (7 Apr 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> Yes I do.


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Yes you do, give me chance to write it.


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


>


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## MikeG (7 Apr 2014)

Peteaud said:


> Dont speak with your mouth full young lady.


Just turn up whenever you feel like it. I mean, never mind the time.....whenever you're ready. 

Any chance of restoring a little decorum to this thread?


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## welsh dragon (7 Apr 2014)

MikeG said:


> Just turn up whenever you feel like it. I mean, never mind the time.....whenever you're ready.
> 
> Any chance of restoring a little decorum to this thread?


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