# What's the stupidest thing you've heard about bikes - by someone who should really know better?



## thatguyfromebay (12 Apr 2021)

I'll start. One day, I stopped by the local all-purpose-sports-store (I know, bad idea) to buy chain lube. Predictably, they only had "universal lube" in spray cans. So, I flag down a shopkeeper (who flags down another one and then another one) and ask, can you tell me more about this? Is this for wet or dry conditions? Do you have anything else? Etc, etc.

To which the bloke hands me a spray can of degreaser and goes "They're the same thing, but this one is cheaper. Same ingredients."
I kid you not. Degreaser.

Do you know this feeling when you hear something so profoundly stupid that it momentarily upends your whole understanding of the laws of the universe? Yeah. That was the only reason I said "Uhkay thanks." and not "Mate, did you fall from an oak tree onto a cactus."

I actually sprayed some of both on my hands to check what the hell those mystery cans did, because if a company had indeed made a three-in-one degreaser, chain lube, and cooking spray, they deserved a Nobel's in chemistry.
No miracles happened. The degreaser degreased my skin and the lube made it nice and slippery, what a surprise.

I just want to know: was the shopkeep indeed that much of a moron or did he take me for one?

Oh, and he also said I could bring my bike in for a service at their store. Uh... no.


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## raleighnut (12 Apr 2021)

Sort of bike related, a mate got stpped by the feds on a Motorbike and after being given a 'produce' notice one of them was 'checking' his bike and informed him the rear brake was defective whilst deftly manipulating the clutch lever.


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## Blue Hills (12 Apr 2021)

Not quite stupid, but struck me as somewhat odd.
Went in a bikeshop in Nottingham once and they told me that they didn't sell bike pumps. None.
I still wonder now and again if it was all a terrible misunderstanding.
Pretty sure we were both speaking english though.


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## monkers (12 Apr 2021)

Blue Hills said:


> Not quite stupid, but struck me as somewhat odd.
> Went in a bikeshop in Nottingham once and they told me that they didn't sell bike pumps. None.
> I still wonder now and again if it was all a terrible misunderstanding.
> Pretty sure we were both speaking english though.



They probably sold tyre pumps though - just sayin'.


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## jowwy (12 Apr 2021)

the stupidest thing i have heard, is that you shouldn't spend any money on them, as they are all freely available at the dump. Spending money on them is just frivolous and any new technology is just marketing gumph.


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## Sharky (12 Apr 2021)

Blue Hills said:


> Not quite stupid, but struck me as somewhat odd.
> Went in a bikeshop in Nottingham once and they told me that they didn't sell bike pumps. None.
> I still wonder now and again if it was all a terrible misunderstanding.
> Pretty sure we were both speaking english though.


Used to call plimsoll shoes - pumps for PE at school.


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## Blue Hills (12 Apr 2021)

jowwy said:


> the stupidest thing i have heard, is that you shouldn't spend any money on them, as they are all freely available at the dump. Spending money on them is just frivolous and any new technology is just marketing gumph.


maybe I will get round to posting my £21 wonder for your enjoyment - the seller got irritated with my techie questions about it (like what size it) and I swear did say - "I can't be bothered with this - I'll just send it to the dump". Never did tell me the exact size (it was beyond them to measure it) but it turned out fine.


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## Drago (12 Apr 2021)

Nearly anything said about bicycles by anyone who doesn't ride them regularly.


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## I like Skol (12 Apr 2021)

Clean bikes are fastest


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## Eric Olthwaite (12 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> I'll start. One day, I stopped by the local all-purpose-sports-store (I know, bad idea) to buy chain lube. Predictably, they only had "universal lube" in spray cans. So, I flag down a shopkeeper (who flags down another one and then another one) and ask, can you tell me more about this? Is this for wet or dry conditions? Do you have anything else? Etc, etc.
> 
> To which the bloke hands me a spray can of degreaser and goes "They're the same thing, but this one is cheaper. Same ingredients."
> I kid you not. Degreaser.



You win today's prize for the best disguised "WD40 is not a lubricant" thread


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## Tenacious Sloth (12 Apr 2021)

I like Skol said:


> Clean bikes are fastest



That’s true that is.


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## matticus (12 Apr 2021)

jowwy said:


> the stupidest thing i have heard, is that you shouldn't spend any money on them, as they are all freely available at the dump. Spending money on them is just frivolous and any new technology is just marketing gumph.


I guess I should make the obligatory response:
"Rim brakes/mechanical shifting/triples/clinchers will be extinct by [pick a date]"


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

You must be really fit to ride a bike. Wow you rode 3 miles to this shop. Are you in the TDF next year?


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

They cause pollution (by xxxx in car who thinks you delayed them)


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## Sharky (12 Apr 2021)

There was a genuine Giant ad which was promoting one of their bikes. On the lines of... 

Traveling a 40kph, the giant bike will be 3 minutes quicker!


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## PaulB (12 Apr 2021)

Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's those MAMIL's use to there heart's content without contributing a penny they need to be taxed and have registration numbers and made to wear hi-viz to stop them riding through red traffic light's and on the pavements one nearly knocked me down the other day doing 35 mph on the pavement outside my house and they look ridiculous in there lycra pretending they are in the tour des france's riding with they're mate's seventeen abreast blocking the roads from us who pay taxes for these road's so they can pretend their riding in the tour de france


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## snorri (12 Apr 2021)

On a tour and was intending taking the train to Harwich from central London to catch the ferry but due to works related to the London 'limpics train services were disrupted so I decided to cycle part of the way at least until I came to a working train network. I was ill prepared for this, no map, and was asking directions towards Harwich.
One guy assured me that it would be impossible to cycle from London to Harwich as my tyres would be worn out long before I got there. I said I would deal with the tyre problem if or when it occurred but he simply refused to give directions for what he saw as an impossible journey.


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## Mo1959 (12 Apr 2021)

PaulB said:


> Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's those MAMIL's use to there heart's content without contributing a penny they need to be taxed and have registration numbers and made to wear hi-viz to stop them riding through red traffic light's and on the pavements one nearly knocked me down the other day doing 35 mph on the pavement outside my house and they look ridiculous in there lycra pretending they are in the tour des france's riding with they're mate's seventeen abreast blocking the roads from us who pay taxes for these road's so they can pretend their riding in the tour de france


Sadly that's almost exactly the comments from the majority on a Facebook post some council somewhere had put up yesterday regarding a new cycle path. There are a worrying number of cyclist haters out there!


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## matticus (12 Apr 2021)

<points at my wheel with a puncture>

It looks ok at the top, but you've got no air round the bottom bit.


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## PaulB (12 Apr 2021)

Mo1959 said:


> Sadly that's almost exactly the comments from the majority on a Facebook post some council somewhere had put up yesterday regarding a new cycle path. There are a worrying number of cyclist haters out there!


Keep your friends close - but keep your enemies closer. Try reading the comments on cycling/bike-related stories on the Daily Heil's website to see just what they think of bikes, cyclists and cycle lanes. If you can stomach it, that is. You need to know just how much hostility you're likely to face out there.


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## Sharky (12 Apr 2021)

I get a lot of comments from fellow competors when they see what I am riding. A fixed gear bike for time trials. "it must have been hard into the wind tonight". 
Usually these comments come from much younger riders using super aero machines, yet only beating me by a couple of minutes. 

Fixed riders will know that riding into headwinds is often quicker than geared bikes.


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## PaulB (12 Apr 2021)

Sharky said:


> I get a lot of comments from fellow competors when they see what I am riding. A fixed gear bike for time trials. "it must have been hard into the wind tonight".
> Usually these comments come from much younger riders using super aero machines, yet only beating me by a couple of minutes.
> 
> Fixed riders will know that riding into headwinds is often quicker than geared bikes.


I was in a bike shop in Middlesbrough one day and a veteran cyclist came in with his fixie and the incredulous mechanic he'd gone to consult called all his mates over to look at it. The general thrust of questions he faced were along the lines of 'how do you rest your legs on long rides?' to which his answer was that he rests his legs when he gets home at the end of the ride.


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## Teamfixed (12 Apr 2021)

Whilst trying to explain fixed to somebody recently I said that as there was no freewheel mechanism you could not stop pedalling. The reply was "so what about when you have to stop?" I know it's me really😂


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## Brandane (12 Apr 2021)

PaulB said:


> Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's those MAMIL's use to there heart's content without contributing a penny they need to be taxed and have registration numbers and made to wear hi-viz to stop them riding through red traffic light's and on the pavements one nearly knocked me down the other day doing 35 mph on the pavement outside my house and they look ridiculous in there lycra pretending they are in the tour des france's riding with they're mate's seventeen abreast blocking the roads from us who pay taxes for these road's so they can pretend their riding in the tour de france


Insurance. Don't forget the insurance!


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## simongt (12 Apr 2021)

From many motorists who claim that 'Cyclists don't pay for the road upkeep'. Er, yes we do , as everyone who pays tax does. Road upkeep etc. simply comes out of the Government budget. VED is simply another tax that goes into said pot.


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## C R (12 Apr 2021)

PaulB said:


> Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's those MAMIL's use to there heart's content without contributing a penny they need to be taxed and have registration numbers and made to wear hi-viz to stop them riding through red traffic light's and on the pavements one nearly knocked me down the other day doing 35 mph on the pavement outside my house and they look ridiculous in there lycra pretending they are in the tour des france's riding with they're mate's seventeen abreast blocking the roads from us who pay taxes for these road's so they can pretend their riding in the tour de france


You forgot helmet's


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

PaulB said:


> Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's



Because they are the farkers who clog up, obstruct, and damage the roads. If they paid the true cost it would be at least 30 times more.


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## T4tomo (12 Apr 2021)

Dogtrousers said:


> But it must be so hard with those little wheels.


I went past a bloke on hybrid on the last hill before on my commute back from the station on evening on my brommie, and called out a cheery hello, his response was "you're fecking joking showing me up on that thing!" i felt honour bound to slow up and explain that they are pretty efficient bike and probably lighter than his hybrid. I didn't like to say the legs make the most difference


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## Profpointy (12 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Because they are the farkers who clog up, obstruct, and damage the roads. If they paid the true cost it would be at least 30 times more.



and how much extra tax would be fair for me to pay for leaving my car at home whilst cycling?


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## roley poley (12 Apr 2021)

so you can sharpen razor blades under that little cardboard pyramid ? why not store your bike under a bigger one? "Wow man you may be into something there".


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

Profpointy said:


> and how much extra tax would be fair for me to pay for leaving my car at home whilst cycling?



About £6,000 if parked on the road.


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## dodgy (12 Apr 2021)

Blue Hills said:


> Not quite stupid, but struck me as somewhat odd.
> Went in a bikeshop in Nottingham once and they told me that they didn't sell bike pumps. None.
> I still wonder now and again if it was all a terrible misunderstanding.
> Pretty sure we were both speaking english though.



That's nothing.

I went into a bike shop on holiday a few years ago, saw a track pump I liked, guy tells me the price. So I go back to our apartment for the cash and when I return he had doubled the price!

That's inflation, he told me 🤷‍♂️


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## Tom B (12 Apr 2021)

In a "bike shop"
"You can't get replacement bearings you need a new hub"

(At a large national retailer) On the same quest for bearings..
"we haven't got loose balls, these caged bearings will fit"
[no they won't I'll take the balls out and use them loose]
"You can't do that..... they won't come out"
[They did]

"Hi have you got any puncture patches"
- "no.... we just do innertubes"


Not bike related
Years when I was young and daft and when my employer was paying car bills, i took my Corsa to National Tyres for new tyres. They gave me the old pony about it needing two dampers, I doubt it did but had them fitted anyway.
About 8 months and 12k later it went in (to a different national tyres) for two more tyres, they told me it needed two new dampers. I confirmed all their work was warrantied and let them get in with it while I nipped home. I collected it later that day and paid for the tyres presenting them with the bill/warranty for the dampers. Their chins nearly hit the floor and they ranted about I should have told them. We used National Tyres as we used the vouchers in the paper. I went again a few months later and was asked to leave.


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## dodgy (12 Apr 2021)

I got back into ham radio recently after a long time away. Tuned into the local chat and old bloke after old bloke were going on about how they haven't ridden a bike in 50 years, and they were proud of it, one by one they took the mic to outdo the other. Then they started going on about saddles are too thin and that's the reason they haven't ridden a bike in 50+ years. One of them doesn't have a car and all he ever bleats on about is his lack of independence and can't get to the shops 3 miles away and has to rely on friends or the bus. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

You can’t ride it in the rain, you’ll get wet.


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## HMS_Dave (12 Apr 2021)

On the subject of the inevitable tax and insurances, I have also seen bike related "MOT" comments too. That potentially is the least silly comment of them all but not by much. Failed brakes on a bicycle is likely to result in the rider going head first into a hedge, failed brakes on a car though....


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## thatguyfromebay (12 Apr 2021)

I like Skol said:


> Clean bikes are fastest



As we say in my neck of the woods, tanks ain't afraid of mud!


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

dodgy said:


> That's nothing.
> 
> I went into a bike shop on holiday a few years ago, saw a track pump I liked, guy tells me the price. So I go back to our apartment for the cash and when I return he had doubled the price!
> 
> That's inflation, he told me 🤷‍♂️



This is the loss of a sale you told him. The sound of money walking out the door.


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## Drago (12 Apr 2021)

Estimated 4 million cars in use with no MOT, plus historic vehicles that never need one, and cars under 3 years that dont need one irrespective of how badly they're treated. Therefore the "Bicycle MOT" dog doesn't bark for me,


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## thatguyfromebay (12 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> You can’t ride it in the rain, you’ll get wet.



Was that in the UK? That leaves what, three to five days a year? Must be a majestic sight, all the cyclists taking to the streets at once like a monarch butterfly flock.


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## Chris S (12 Apr 2021)

Tom B said:


> Not bike related
> Years when I was young and daft and when my employer was paying car bills, i took my Corsa to National Tyres for new tyres. They gave me the old pony about it needing two dampers, I doubt it did but had them fitted anyway.
> About 8 months and 12k later it went in (to a different national tyres) for two more tyres, they told me it needed two new dampers. I confirmed all their work was warrantied and let them get in with it while I nipped home. I collected it later that day and paid for the tyres presenting them with the bill/warranty for the dampers. Their chins nearly hit the floor and they ranted about I should have told them. We used to use National Tyres as we used the vouchers in the paper. I went again a few months later and was asked to leave.


My car failed it's MOT at my local Lex Auto Centre on work that they had carried out during the previous service!


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## Teamfixed (12 Apr 2021)

So... went the conversation, cyclists should pay tax. Then onto cars... mmm I'm thinking of getting all electric, they are tax free, really? Says I, yes they are zero emmisions. I laughed so much I broke wind.


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## MontyVeda (12 Apr 2021)

Tom B said:


> In a "bike shop"
> "You can't get replacement bearings you need a new hub"
> 
> ...


Was it the short lived _Cycle 2000_ in Lancaster sometime in the late 90s?

I went in for some headset bearings and the guy brought me a complete headset. I told him i didn't need a complete headset, just some replacement bearings. *He told me you can't buy 'just' the bearings* and would have to buy the complete headset, at £22. I went to another, more reliable bike shop and bought a pack of headset bearings for 60p.


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## CanucksTraveller (12 Apr 2021)

Trying to keep to the theme of ""by someone who should really know better": 
A man who works in one of the LBS near me will without fail give you an unrequested sermon on basically any bike brand that he doesn't stock, even if you've only gone in for an inner tube. "What ya ride mate?" he'll ask, as you inwardly cringe... again. 
(I sigh). "A Trek, a Giant, and a Genesis at the moment". 
Then the sermon starts, telling you how rubbish they are except for the Giant, all mass market crud made in the same factory, Bontrager sold his soul, blah blah. He has a huge downer on Trek and Specialized in particular - I don't own a Specialized but he rants regardless. 30 minutes on each brand is not unknown. At the same time he sells Giant, Kona, and Pendleton. You know, those well known, hand built, individually curated masterpieces of the cycle builder's art.

There's obviously truth in the mass production thing but it's the way he's brand-selective and it's also how he says it. Like he's found the secrets of the cycling illuminati and he's doing you a big favour by letting naive old you in on his knowledge. He's very "hush hush" nose-tappy as he tells you his secrets. Irritating little git doesn't get my custom now.


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## byegad (12 Apr 2021)

Brandane said:


> Insurance. Don't forget the insurance!


I have insurance, cost me £20 for a year. Which is more than the last four drivers who hit my car, while it was parked every bleeding time, paid for theirs as they weren't f***ing insured.


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## Once a Wheeler (12 Apr 2021)

An old one that some may not have heard:

An Oxford professor was seen pumping up the front tyre on his bike when clearly the rear tyre was deflated. A passing undergraduate asked him why he was doing this and got the reply: 'Do you mean to say that they are not interconnected?'


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## Will Spin (12 Apr 2021)

I once heard someone say that bikes with carbon frames are the best.


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## roadrash (12 Apr 2021)

jowwy said:


> the stupidest thing i have heard, is that you shouldn't spend any money on them, as they are all freely available at the dump. Spending money on them is just frivolous and any new technology is just marketing gumph.



was you talking to @SkipdiverJohn


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## jowwy (12 Apr 2021)

roadrash said:


> was you talking to @SkipdiverJohn


No comment


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## mustang1 (12 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> I'll start. One day, I stopped by the local all-purpose-sports-store (I know, bad idea) to buy chain lube. Predictably, they only had "universal lube" in spray cans. So, I flag down a shopkeeper (who flags down another one and then another one) and ask, can you tell me more about this? Is this for wet or dry conditions? Do you have anything else? Etc, etc.
> 
> To which the bloke hands me a spray can of degreaser and goes "They're the same thing, but this one is cheaper. Same ingredients."
> I kid you not. Degreaser.
> ...



I'm with you on this but with a few caveats:

1. A popular brand of chain lubricant has a product for wet and dry conditions and I use both. But, when I cannot be particularly bothered, I just use the wet lube. It got me thinking why do I even need dry lube and then I figured I'm buying more stuff than I really need giving the company more profits.

2. Isn't there that guy on a popular cycling youtube channel who uses WD40 to both degrease and lube his chain? I wanted to try that on my bike before it went in for service but never got round to it.


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## mustang1 (12 Apr 2021)

Stupidest thing I ever heard was bike shop guy telling me the price of their top end bike was £5k.
A few years later it was £8k, then 10k and now 12k.

They told me about the aero benefits and I was most intrigued. We got chatting some more and they asked what I do for a living. Some computer gubbins I told them but I can type really fast.
"Yeah?... gotta a lot of practice have you?" they asked me.
"Nah," I replied. "I just use an aero keyboard."
They thought I was being stupid, and I was, but they failed to see the irony.
Then an investment banker walked and said he wants to buy the most expensive bike they have, and just like that, they sold a £12k bike. I guess we're all stupid in one way or another.


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

You can’t tour on a flat bat bike


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## Eric Olthwaite (12 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> You can’t tour on a flat bat bike



All bats are flat after I've sat on them


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## thatguyfromebay (12 Apr 2021)

mustang1 said:


> I'm with you on this but with a few caveats:
> 
> 1. A popular brand of chain lubricant has a product for wet and dry conditions and I use both. But, when I cannot be particularly bothered, I just use the wet lube. It got me thinking why do I even need dry lube and then I figured I'm buying more stuff than I really need giving the company more profits.
> 
> 2. Isn't there that guy on a popular cycling youtube channel who uses WD40 to both degrease and lube his chain? I wanted to try that on my bike before it went in for service but never got round to it.



Good points!

I don't particularly care about whether it's wet or dry, but I did want to ask about it, just to know if it was prone to washing off. I don't think the guy even understood what I was on about.

I've actually used WD on a commuter in a very wet UK city for half a year with no problems. Thing is, I'd given my drivetrain a deep clean with some white spirit, so running it on degreaser alone after that didn't seem like a great idea. (I doubt elbow grease alone counts as lube )


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## ColinJ (12 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> You must be really fit to ride a bike. Wow you rode 3 miles to this shop. Are you in the TDF next year?


Hmm... 



ColinJ said:


> Many people don't have a clue about fitness, even people who really should know better. When I was recovering from illness my consultant used the phrase '_elite athlete_' to describe me and to explain why I was making a relatively rapid recovery. I have never been fit enough to race at any level ... I can plod along all day, but I can't do it quickly!
> 
> If senior doctors can make assumptions like that, then it isn't surprising that unfit members of the public don't understand.


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## FishFright (12 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> You can’t ride it in the rain, you’ll get wet.



Back when I was caving , a family member told me I shouldn't go caving at night because it's dark... I kid you not.


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## Ian H (12 Apr 2021)

Someone on social media referring to his 'aero bike' and his 'climbing bike' made me titter.


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## monkers (12 Apr 2021)

This really happened - not a spoof. I hope she doesn't work in anybody's LBS!


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## Arrowfoot (12 Apr 2021)

30 sachets of "Testogel is not for a rider".


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## Profpointy (12 Apr 2021)

FishFright said:


> Back when I was caving , a family member told me I shouldn't go caving at night because it's dark... I kid you not.



I was scuba diving on one occasion, a practice dive to try out new kit, and I was dithering over whether I'd need another block of lead or not. My mate said, "just stick it in your pocked in case you need it" I laughed at the silly wise crack, and he'd have got away with had he not stuck is head in his hands saying "oh no! I can't believe I said that". It became a running gag in our dive gang.

(Having just the right amount of lead makes diving much easier. If you have too much, you need more air in your suit / buoyancy device to compensate which changes volume as you go up and down which you then have to deal with. Too little lead means at the end of the dive when you've used most of the air in your tanks, which has weight, you will be floaty and struggle to do your "deco" stop on your way back up. If you change your equipment you need to find out the right amount of lead for the new set up)


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## Ming the Merciless (12 Apr 2021)

That some black cab drivers think bikes must be speeding because they are faster A to B than black cabs in London.


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## Brandane (12 Apr 2021)

This thread just reminded me - where is @ragingroadkill ? (aka "user/guest").


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## Smokin Joe (12 Apr 2021)

My aunt, many years ago when I was going to France with the club - "What are you cycling there for, you can go by plane instead and it's cheap these days"

Talk about not getting it


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## ColinJ (12 Apr 2021)

Dogtrousers said:


> Why not do both?
> 
> View attachment 583570


I haven't got a head for heights... I'm going to buy a Red Shark Bike Board instead - it will be great for bombing up and down the Rochdale canal! 



Those tribars are a good option - aerodynamic drag is very significant once you exceed, er, 5 km/hr!


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## lazybloke (12 Apr 2021)

ColinJ said:


> I haven't got a head for heights... I'm going to buy a Red Shark Bike Board instead - it will be great for bombing up and down the Rochdale canal!
> 
> 
> 
> Those tribars are a good option - aerodynamic drag is very significant once you exceed, er, 5 km/hr!



Really disappointed by that video - was hoping for a hydrofoil!

God knows how many watts you'd need to produce!


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## JhnBssll (12 Apr 2021)

I asked for a set of taps in a local branch of motor spares once and was directed to plumbase. My favourite wasn't mechanical though, I once asked a shop assistant in a supermarket where I might find the soured cream, only to be told there isn't any - they throw it away once its past its sell by date


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## Chislenko (12 Apr 2021)

A well respected MOT centre locally once failed my Alfasud because the handbrake wasn't working.

It works just fine says I.

No it doesn't, look he says as he put the rear wheels on the rolling road, pulls up the handbrake and nothing happens.

He was quite red faced when I told him the handbrake was on the front!

Quite how he had done the MOT without noticing I don't know.


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## Bazzer (12 Apr 2021)

Teamfixed said:


> So... went the conversation, cyclists should pay tax. Then onto cars... mmm I'm thinking of getting all electric, they are tax free, really? Says I, yes they are zero emmisions. I laughed so much I broke wind.


I recall having an exchange with someone on a car forum I am member of, who as commonly believed, cars should have priority over cyclists at all times because of not paying "road tax". However, for some reason, he wasn't so keen on priority being given within road users based entirely upon upon the amount of VED actually paid.

On the matter of people who should know better, Mrs B is a good example. She doesn't like me night riding because I might have an another accident in the dark. However (pre Covid), leaving home at 5:20am for just over an hours commute to work was OK, despite this meaning that for most of the year I left home in the dark, for many months rode most of the way in the dark and in the middle of winter would be travelling home at least part of the journey in the dark, with more cars around me than if I was out at 1am .


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## pawl (12 Apr 2021)

A up mate your wheels are going round.
Get off and milk it 

Dick heads That was probably me and my mate aged ten


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## Profpointy (12 Apr 2021)

pawl said:


> A up mate your wheels are going round.
> Get off and milk it
> 
> Dick heads That was probably me and my mate aged ten



The traditional reply to "oi, your wheel's goin' round" is "so's your wife", substituting "mother" or "girlfriend" whichever causes greatest offence


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## CharleyFarley (13 Apr 2021)

"_You was lucky to get 1,000 miles out of a chain. They're only good for 800 miles_." Professional bike mechanic in a bike shop.


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## Drago (13 Apr 2021)

Bazzer said:


> However, for some reason, he wasn't so keen on priority being given within road users based entirely upon upon the amount of VED actually paid.


I would be up for that! 



CharleyFarley said:


> "_You was lucky to get 1,000 miles out of a chain. They're only good for 800 miles_." Professional bike mechanic in a bike shop.



With a rider of my weight, with my quads that pretty close to the truth. Im very pleased indeed if a chain is inside 0.75 after 1200 or so miles (not those diet km things the foreigners use).


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## mustang1 (13 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> Good points!
> 
> I don't particularly care about whether it's wet or dry, but I did want to ask about it, just to know if it was prone to washing off. I don't think the guy even understood what I was on about.
> 
> I've actually used WD on a commuter in a very wet UK city for half a year with no problems. Thing is, I'd given my drivetrain a deep clean with some white spirit, so running it on degreaser alone after that didn't seem like a great idea. (I doubt elbow grease alone counts as lube )


Yup I hear ya. I'm glad the wet and dry versions exist. My hubrid which is always sitting uotside only ever gets wet lube and my MTB usually gets wet lube as it's usually going through a puddle or two even during summer off road ventures. The road bikes get a mixture, weather dependent but I really like the dry lube, it's so... uhm, ceramicky.
One day I'll try WD40 too.


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## mustang1 (13 Apr 2021)

Some years ago before the current bike trend popularity, a cyclist was waiting for his friend at a corner who then showed up (a pedestrian) who then said "hey you're on a bike! who do you think you are, laaaance armstrooong?" with a haughty laughter.


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## Eric Olthwaite (13 Apr 2021)

In my teenage years, the classic was for bystanders to call out to passing cyclists "Hey! Your wheels are going round!"


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## Blue Hills (13 Apr 2021)

Eric Olthwaite said:


> In my teenage years, the classic was for bystanders to call out to passing cyclists "Hey! Your wheels are going round!"


as is this thread.


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## Eric Olthwaite (13 Apr 2021)

Blue Hills said:


> as is this thread.



I can't be expected to read everything!


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## Blue Hills (13 Apr 2021)

Eric Olthwaite said:


> I can't be expected to read everything!


no probs - I have a habit of diving in part way through.


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## Ming the Merciless (13 Apr 2021)

That recumbent is dangerous, it so close to the road, drivers won’t be able to see it. This dumb statement is often expressed by other cyclists who should know better .


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## mustang1 (13 Apr 2021)

dodgy said:


> That's nothing.
> 
> I went into a bike shop on holiday a few years ago, saw a track pump I liked, guy tells me the price. So I go back to our apartment for the cash and when I return he had doubled the price!
> 
> That's inflation, he told me 🤷‍♂️


He really pumped up the price huh.


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## Profpointy (13 Apr 2021)

roley poley said:


> so you can sharpen razor blades under that little cardboard pyramid ? why not store your bike under a bigger one? "Wow man you may be into something there".




The razor blade thing does work ... about half the time at any rate.

(I leave figuring out why as an excercise for the reader)


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## thatguyfromebay (13 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> That recumbent is dangerous, it so close to the road, drivers won’t be able to see it. This dumb statement is often expressed by other cyclists who should know better .



I mean, that's assuming drivers are able to see a cyclist to begin with!


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## mustang1 (13 Apr 2021)

Once a Wheeler said:


> An old one that some may not have heard:
> 
> An Oxford professor was seen pumping up the front tyre on his bike when clearly the rear tyre was deflated. A passing undergraduate asked him why he was doing this and got the reply: 'Do you mean to say that they are not interconnected?'


This reminds me of my neighbour. I had to goto the local shop and walked out the door when I saw my neighbour (Hello John!) pumping his bike tyre. About 30 minutes later I walked back and he was still pumping the bike tyre: same bike, same tyre. I put the shopping down and "Hey John, you want some help?"

"The air isn't going into the tyre no matter how much i pump it" he told me.
I went over, closed the lever on the tyre pump and instantly he felt some resistance and said "ah now I can feel the air go in, i never knew you had to close that thing!"


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## thatguyfromebay (13 Apr 2021)

mustang1 said:


> This reminds me of my neighbour. I had to goto the local shop and walked out the door when I saw my neighbour (Hello John!) pumping his bike tyre. About 30 minutes later I walked back and he was still pumping the bike tyre: same bike, same tyre. I put the shopping down and "Hey John, you want some help?"
> 
> "The air isn't going into the tyre no matter how much i pump it" he told me.
> I went over, closed the lever on the tyre pump and instantly he felt some resistance and said "ah now I can feel the air go in, i never knew you had to close that thing!"



Two words: Presta valve. (Most tubes I have are Schraders)


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## mustang1 (13 Apr 2021)

"What are you up to this weekend?" my friend asked me.
"I've been wanting to do a century ride for a while so I think I'll do that if I can be bothered to wake up early enough" I replied.
"What's that?"
"You gotta ride a 100 miles or a 100km, I'm doing the miles."
"Wow? Really? OMG. So how long will that take, like 7 or 8 days?"
"Uhm, no, just one day, maybe 7 or 8 hours coz I'm unfit."
The guy nearly fainted. "WHAT? I don't even drive a hundred miles in my car nad you're doing it on a bike, in ONE DAY???"

The funny thing is he is also a cyclist so I figured it's not a big deal for him.


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## ColinJ (13 Apr 2021)

Drago said:


> With a rider of my weight, with my quads that pretty close to the truth. Im very pleased indeed if a chain is inside 0.75 after 1200 or so miles (not those diet km things the foreigners use).


That reminds me of someone whose chain only lasted about 12 or so miles...



ColinJ said:


> Ha - I took a young bodybuilder colleague out on a hilly ride once and he _DID _manage to damage his transmission. He insisted on using the big ring everywhere, including a 25% climb! I told him to use lower gears and spin his legs but he stuck to using masses of brute force. After a couple of hills he ripped the chain apart ...


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## byegad (13 Apr 2021)

I've had a 'Roadie' pull alongside me on my recumbent trike, to tell me 'I can't be seen, down there!'
In which case who was he speaking to and why do cars pull onto the other side of the white line when they pass me?


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## matticus (13 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> Two words: Presta valve. (Most tubes I have are Schraders)


I may have dreamt this, but here goes:

a year or two ago, a guy posted on social media to get help pumping up his road-bike tyre. Years of experience with MTBs, so presumably all Schraders. It later became clear that he'd pumped up a lot of motorbike tyres, too (and vans.) Folks had to explain the whole "_undo it a few turns, then a quick push to release it - yup, a bit of air will come out - then lock your pump on, make sure it's straight ..._ "

Everyone was very patient - it was Guy Martin.


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## Mugshot (13 Apr 2021)

"Yeah, that's the one, that fits you perfectly."

This while I was stood on tiptoes, neatly lifted and separated by the top tube.


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## Drago (13 Apr 2021)

matticus said:


> Everyone was very patient - it was Guy Martin.


The same Guy Martin who thinks it is quite normal for men in pubs in Ireland to issue drivers licences in exchange for cash?


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## rrarider (13 Apr 2021)

"There is no such animal as a chamois goat" 

from the 12 year old assistant in a well known chain of bicycle shops, in response to my attempt to find a source of the once common type of cycling shorts.


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## JonT005 (13 Apr 2021)

'You cant ride on the road because you don't pay road tax on that thing' *points at bike*


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## Ian H (13 Apr 2021)

"Alf Engers is really still the fastest over 25 miles, if you allow for the advantages of modern TT bikes."


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## Chislenko (13 Apr 2021)

Ian H said:


> "Alf Engers is really still the fastest over 25 miles, if you allow for the advantages of modern TT bikes."




I'll say one thing between here and Bikeradar no-one is ever going to forget his name!


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## Moon bunny (13 Apr 2021)

“Things that reflect very little of the light falling on them are more visible than things that reflect more of the light falling on them.”


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## Ming the Merciless (13 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> I mean, that's assuming drivers are able to see a cyclist to begin with!



Doesn’t matter how good their eyesight is if they don’t bother looking.


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## JonT005 (13 Apr 2021)

'It will only be a smallish 50km loop' - 100km done, 'Dad are we nearly home yet?'


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## Ming the Merciless (13 Apr 2021)

matticus said:


> . Years of experience with MTBs, so presumably all Schraders.



Eh? Every mtn bike I’ve owned over last 35 years has had presta.


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## matticus (13 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Eh? Every mtn bike I’ve owned over last 35 years has had presta.


Well none of mine have. And it would explain Guy's dilemma.

Does Sherlock the Merciless have a better explanation?


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## Ming the Merciless (13 Apr 2021)

matticus said:


> Well none of mine have. And it would explain Guy's dilemma.
> 
> Does Sherlock the Merciless have a better explanation?



The guy is a bit thick at times 😀


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## All uphill (13 Apr 2021)

"I wouldnt want one of those" looking at my folding bike.
"Why?"
"Hard work with those little wheels"
"How do you work that out?"
"Obvious, you have to pedal faster to get those little wheels turning faster to get anywhere"
"That's why I have gears!"
"No gears are to get you up hills"


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## randynewmanscat (13 Apr 2021)

Outside a Bowdon pub about 40 years ago. "Small wheels allow you to go faster". After confirming that he was not trying to wind me up he explained that............. 
My ears bled and I went to fetch some pints as a diversion. He occasionally lectures in digital electronics and even back then was blessed with a big brain, not for mechanical theory though.


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## simongt (13 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> If they paid the true cost


I've long maintained that VED should be scrapped in it's present form of being collected and put onto the price of fuel. That way, the drivers pay in proportion to the number of miles they drive; the heavier the vehicle, the greater the fuel consumption and the greater the road and environmental damage. Also, the 'tax' is undodgable, so it also catches drivers from abroad.


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## Mike Ayling (14 Apr 2021)

monkers said:


> This really happened - not a spoof. I hope she doesn't work in anybody's LBS!
> 
> View attachment 583539


Definitely not a relative of mine!

Mike


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## Andy in Germany (14 Apr 2021)

Mo1959 said:


> Sadly that's almost exactly the comments from the majority on a Facebook post some council somewhere had put up yesterday regarding a new cycle path. There are a worrying number of cyclist haters out there!



Right down to the punctuation...


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## recumbentpanda (14 Apr 2021)

The small wheels = have to pedal faster thing is amazingly prevalent. I once tried to explain: ‘Big cog go round once, little cog go round many times.’ They looked at me as if I was talking about witchcraft.


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## recumbentpanda (14 Apr 2021)

In the recumbent world there is great variety in wheel size, mostly for reasons connected with getting various bits of the bike out of the way of other bits While still being able to reach the ground with your feet in a stop. Consequently however, there is much discussion of the relative efficiency and speed of small vs large, so if you want to go down that particular rabbit hole head on over to bentrideronline forum -you may be gone for a while though . . .


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## Tom B (16 Apr 2021)

Not a bike one but earlier today I was walking down the street chatting to a colleague about electric cars. The following was uttered...

"I don't see why they need charging, why can't they use an alternator like a normal car does to generate electricity"

Just had to share it with someone


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## Ming the Merciless (16 Apr 2021)

Dogtrousers said:


> Now, I'm sure I've read something along those lines. Something about speed records being taken on Moultons. One of those things that makes me go "that doesn't sound right ... but what do I know? Maybe it is true"



Chris Boardmans hour record of 56km or so was done on a smaller front wheel upright bike to give superior aerodynamics over a 700C wheel bike.


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## DRM (16 Apr 2021)

simongt said:


> I've long maintained that VED should be scrapped in it's present form of being collected and put onto the price of fuel. That way, the drivers pay in proportion to the number of miles they drive; the heavier the vehicle, the greater the fuel consumption and the greater the road and environmental damage. Also, the 'tax' is undodgable, so it also catches drivers from abroad.


Sadly it won’t catch the most polluting vehicles from abroad, the hoards of Eastern European Artics that roam our fair land with huge long range fuel tanks down both sides of the tractor unit, driven by people under strict instructions not to buy diesel in the UK, it’s too expensive and you’ll be fired if you do, go back on the ferry and buy it in Europe where it’s cheaper. These things, I think can carry about 1000 litres of diesel on one side and 500 on the other, but it’s illegal to fill the 1000 litre to the maximum, so that would give around 2,600 miles range at 8 mpg


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## simongt (18 Apr 2021)

recumbentpanda said:


> The small wheels = have to pedal faster thing is amazingly prevalent.


Having a Brommy, I'm fully aware of the fact that I can accelerate faster and brake more effectively than a full size wheeled bike, at least over short distances. But once you begin to try and explain what is basic physics to most folk, their eyes just glaze over with incomprehension - !


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## Hover Fly (18 Apr 2021)

“They stopped making tan sidewall tyres because the ultraviolet light was making them crack”


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## Justified_Sinner (25 Apr 2021)

PaulB said:


> Why do us motorist's have to pay car tax through the nose for the upkeep of the road's ...



Sadly accurate. I feel you speak from bitter experience.


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## SkipdiverJohn (25 Apr 2021)

roadrash said:


> was you talking to @SkipdiverJohn





jowwy said:


> No comment



Well, seeing as I manage to do all my cycling virtually for nothing on a cost-per-mile basis, I'll leave it up to others to make their own judgement about where the stupidity lies......


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## roadrash (26 Apr 2021)

Different does not mean stupid


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## roubaixtuesday (26 Apr 2021)

_"The way I do cycling is the only/best way to do cycling."_

(re: frame material, MTB vs road, utility vs leisure vs racing etc etc)

Such tribalism alas often manifested on threads hereabouts.

Actually, the *best* thing about cycling is the huge variety of adherents it attracts from shoppers to TTers and all the other magnificent manifestations of velocipedians.

[Edit: @Dogtrousers beat me to it. Which is two posts of theirs I've credited in the last two minutes. I'm logging off lest lightning strikes thrice]


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

thatguyfromebay said:


> Was that in the UK? That leaves what, three to five days a year? Must be a majestic sight, all the cyclists taking to the streets at once like a monarch butterfly flock.



Yep UK?


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

Walking into the office, clearly wearing cycle gear. Did you ride in today?


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

Brandane said:


> This thread just reminded me - where is @ragingroadkill ? (aka "user/guest").



Busy putting the world to rights riding through give way signs without giving way and submitting the evidence to the police.


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

mustang1 said:


> Some years ago before the current bike trend popularity, a cyclist was waiting for his friend at a corner who then showed up (a pedestrian) who then said "hey you're on a bike! who do you think you are, laaaance armstrooong?" with a haughty laughter.



Did you reply “Who do you think you are, Pablo Escobar, and what drugs you got?”


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

mustang1 said:


> "What are you up to this weekend?" my friend asked me.
> "I've been wanting to do a century ride for a while so I think I'll do that if I can be bothered to wake up early enough" I replied.
> "What's that?"
> "You gotta ride a 100 miles or a 100km, I'm doing the miles."
> ...



In 2013 the London Edinburgh London audax started on the same day as a London to Cambridge sportive of some sort. The routes coincided somewhere near Ware, Hertfordshire . We were well on the way to St Ives, Cambridgeshire when a rider at the back of our group pipes up “I think we’re going the wrong way”. Almost as one we all replied, no this is right. He then said where are going? We are off to Edinburgh, where are you going? A small voice squeaked “Cambridge” shortly followed by brakes. He wasn’t the only one.

Most often on audaxes if asked where I’ve ridden from, I’ll just mention the last biggish place. If you say the truth they won’t believe you.


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

Out on a local ride minding my own business when I see some groups of cyclists coming the opposite way. Then being told, multiple times, I’m going the wrong way. On enquiring why, I’m informed I’m apparently riding a sportive and I need to turn round.


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## Ming the Merciless (26 Apr 2021)

recumbentpanda said:


> The small wheels = have to pedal faster thing is amazingly prevalent. I once tried to explain: ‘Big cog go round once, little cog go round many times.’ They looked at me as if I was talking about witchcraft.



Those cars with 16” rims must be really slow.


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## Profpointy (26 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Walking into the office, clearly wearing cycle gear. Did you ride in today?



I walked into Halfords in full lycra to buy headlight bulbs for my car. "would you like us to fit them for you?". Now that would have been good service if I'd taken them up on the offer !


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## glasgowcyclist (26 Apr 2021)

Tom B said:


> In a "bike shop"
> "You can't get replacement bearings you need a new hub"
> 
> (At a large national retailer) On the same quest for bearings..
> ...



I did the same thing about 30 years ago with my Granada Ghia V6. I went into KwikFit with a clearly blown exhaust system. Guy said it needed a new centre box but the corrosion of the joints to the manifold and back box meant the whole system needed replaced but he could do it that day and asked me to come back later in the afternoon. 

I went back and he presented me with a bill for £300 so I produced my receipt and 3-year warranty from a year before. He was absolutely fizzing, saying that if he’d known he would only have replaced the manifold.

I suggested that in future he should be honest with his customers.


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## Chris S (26 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Did you reply “Who do you think you are, Pablo Escobar, and what drugs you got?”


When I had an MTB and stopped at junctions in inner city areas people used to try and buy drugs from me.


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## Ming the Merciless (27 Apr 2021)

Chris S said:


> When I had an MTB and stopped at junctions in inner city areas people used to try and buy drugs from me.



Fortunately drug dealers preferred mode of transport is the electric scooter these days.


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## Ming the Merciless (30 Apr 2021)

Less spokes means you’ll go faster.


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## DCBassman (30 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Less spokes means you’ll go faster.


This, such utter carp...
Having said that, and considering I'm a very slow old geezer on bitsa bikes, I have very few spokes indeed...76 over two bikes! Blimey, I'd better lose some weight!


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## monkers (30 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Less spokes means you’ll go faster.



No it's likely true, you'll likely have an acceleration of 9.81 m.s.s - just not in the direction of travel you hoped.


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## Profpointy (30 Apr 2021)

I recall at university talking about bikes to my room-mate and when his dad had gone with him to buy a bike, he'd got the bike shop to remove the front changer because "10 speeds are too complicated" so the lad needlessly had a 5 speed. i then realised dads in general know f-all about bikes yet have strongly held opinions. My dad had got me a folding raleigh shopper (because of "reasons" which weighed a ton so my pals on their "racers" with 5 or even 10 gears and half the weight would leave me in their dust


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## Blue Hills (30 Apr 2021)

Profpointy said:


> I recall at university talking about bikes to my room-mate and when his dad had gone with him to buy a bike, he'd got the bike shop to remove the front changer because "10 speeds are too complicated"


Is that so different from the current 1x crowd tho or the folks who use singlespeed fixed in inappropriate places? London is pretty flat but i live in a seriously hilly bit with a steep climb every time i come home. A while ago i passed a bloke walking a singlespeed. When i expressed my doubts about it he said he valued the simplicity. Am all for simplicity (see other thread) but not if your beloved insists you carry it.


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## Profpointy (30 Apr 2021)

Blue Hills said:


> Is that so different from the current 1x crowd tho or the folks who use singlespeed fixed in inappropriate places? London is pretty flat but i live in a seriously hilly bit with a steep climb every time i come home. A while ago i passed a bloke walking a singlespeed. When i expressed my doubts about it he said he valued the simplicity. Am all for simplicity (see other thread) but not if your beloved insists you carry it.



Choosing a singlespeed is one thing but removing the front clanger from a perfectly good brand new bike is another


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## Ming the Merciless (30 Apr 2021)

Profpointy said:


> I recall at university talking about bikes to my room-mate and when his dad had gone with him to buy a bike, he'd got the bike shop to remove the front changer because "10 speeds are too complicated" so the lad needlessly had a 5 speed. i then realised dads in general know f-all about bikes yet have strongly held opinions. My dad had got me a folding raleigh shopper (because of "reasons" which weighed a ton so my pals on their "racers" with 5 or even 10 gears and half the weight would leave me in their dust



Ah but you laughed in their face when doing your shopping or laundry


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## DaveReading (30 Apr 2021)

Profpointy said:


> Choosing a singlespeed is one thing but removing the front clanger from a perfectly good brand new bike is another



I think you may have dropped one there ...


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## Ming the Merciless (30 Apr 2021)

DaveReading said:


> I think you may have dropped one there ...



Maybe he was souping it up?


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## Juan Kog (30 Apr 2021)

Ming the Merciless said:


> Walking into the office, clearly wearing cycle gear. Did you ride in today?


I’ve had similar, odd looks when I replied “ I came on my Steamroller “. (Thats a Surly Steamroller for the non fixed crowd)


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## Ming the Merciless (1 May 2021)

Juan Kog said:


> I’ve had similar, odd looks when I replied “ I came on my Steamroller “. (Thats a Surly Steamroller for the non fixed crowd)



I have replied “No I came in my car”. They kind of pull a face at that, well what were they expecting?


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