# Why am I farting so much...?...SERIOUSLY!



## Enis Baysal (22 Jul 2014)

It makes me laugh so much but my collegues and family really do not appreciate it. Ive had the sister and mum. consistantly telling me something has crawled up my @SS and died (They can seruously linger for 15 minutes).

On a serious note..It is only since I started riding 2 months ago. I am always more than hydrated and only made minor adjustments to my diet to be more health aware. As the majority of cyclists seem to have done I have increased my carb and fibre intake (not by much) but I have started eating bannanas between meals instead and of chocolate or crisps, granola for breakfast (I never used to eat breakfast).

Either way this has led to me day in/day out letting rip on some serious PSI. 

Any one else experienced this xD?


----------



## shouldbeinbed (22 Jul 2014)

Its a phenomenon that all new cyclists go through due to saddle chafing and overstimulating the rectal muscles causing them to spasm occasionally to in effect reset themselves as they too adjust to the rigours of cycling, kind of like your leg muscles aching the day after a long ride. The smell is due to the lower bowel having not had time to filter the gas out of and back into the bowel to make it less pungent, (passing the worst elements into your bladder to be expelled less smellily in the urine) before the gas is expelled by the rectal spasming. You'll find it goes away after 18months or so but don't try and light them the elements that cause odour are also rather incendiary.


----------



## shouldbeinbed (22 Jul 2014)

P.S. All of the above is made up.


----------



## vickster (22 Jul 2014)

No idea. Could be because you are eating differently/more fibre. If worried, or you have diarrhoea or constipation, see a doctor...and avoid all human contact in the meantime. Perhaps actually try to be aware of people around you and go do your flatulent business in a toilet, don't be a sociopath


----------



## ClichéGuevara (22 Jul 2014)

I'm going to guess you're toning up since you started your new regime? 

My next guess would be the odour is due to your body breaking down short chain fatty acids.


----------



## I like Skol (22 Jul 2014)

30 years later and I'm still looking for the answer....


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

a) see your doctor

b) don't let them linger - carry matches and light a match after the event - wave the lit match in the air to spare your poor Mum and sister the lingering gas! (No explosion will occur!)


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Flatulence/Pages/Introduction.aspx might help


----------



## Venod (22 Jul 2014)

vickster said:


> No idea. Could be because you are eating differently/more fibre. If worried, or you have diarrhoea or constipation, see a doctor...and avoid all human contact in the meantime. Perhaps actually try to be aware of people around you and go do your flatulent business in a toilet, don't be a sociopath



If I dashed to the toilet every time I passed wind I would never get out of the house.

I do eat a lot of fiber fruit etc, drink a bit of beer, I don't see me changing my lifestyle to stop it, I have been cycling years so can't blame that.

I had a bout of diarrhea that went on a bit a couple of years ago so was sent for the camera up the bum, and all was well, some peoples systems just work different to others.


----------



## smokeysmoo (22 Jul 2014)

Use it to your advantage


----------



## GrumpyGregry (22 Jul 2014)

How often do you clean your bottles?


----------



## subaqua (22 Jul 2014)

shouldbeinbed said:


> P.S. All of the above is made up.


 with the exception of th bit that causes the odour is incendiary.

in past moments of stupidity I have lit them and burnt the hair on my upper thighs .

I could quote spike milligan , but for those who are really just big kids ( most Males from 18 up to 118 according to my wife) have a google and a giggle


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

subaqua said:


> in past moments of stupidity I have lit them and burnt the hair on my upper thighs .


Which is why you're supposed to do it in the _bath_. *rolls eyes*


----------



## byegad (22 Jul 2014)

It is likely nothing, but a chat with your GP should reassure you that nothing is amiss. 

Try keeping a food diary for a week or two with columns honestly assessing your wind frequency and deadliness! You may be struggling to digest something. 

That said I'm always fairly windy, although rarely do these as smell badly as you describe.


----------



## Joshua Plumtree (22 Jul 2014)

Sex is always the answer. More or less- can't remember which!


----------



## byegad (22 Jul 2014)

User13710 said:


> That's just your opinion though.


OK Fair cop! They usually smell of Lily of the Valley.


----------



## ClichéGuevara (22 Jul 2014)

byegad said:


> OK Fair cop! They usually smell of Lily of the Valley.




There's good reason why she's not "Lily of the densely populated City".


----------



## ianrauk (22 Jul 2014)

ride fixed, you can't fart when riding fixie. So I have been told.


----------



## I like Skol (22 Jul 2014)

ianrauk said:


> ride fixed, you can't fart when riding fixie. So I have been told.


I can squeeze one out on the bike without breaking my cadence but it is a balancing act and requires concentration!


----------



## subaqua (22 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> Which is why you're supposed to do it in the _bath_. *rolls eyes*


 
they didn't light when I tried that.


----------



## JoeyB (22 Jul 2014)

ianrauk said:


> ride fixed, you can't fart when riding fixie. So I have been told.



If my wife knew that she'd have me riding fixed for the rest of my life!


----------



## Fab Foodie (22 Jul 2014)

More fibres and more carbs can increase gas volumes. I love brown bread but find too much gets me bloats and gassy, have stopped high fibre cereals for Brekkie too as it makes me blow all morning ... Awkward at work and worse on a plane! Avoid sports drinks and maltidextrin.

Fibres and gas is good though, good digestive health indicators.

But mostly it will be the move to a higher fibre and healthy eating regime.


----------



## surfdude (22 Jul 2014)

cant see your problem mate . it s your slight change of diet . i am the same . when i start out on a ride a feel a little gas filled there is nothing better than letting rip a few times and all you inside getting back into the right place so riding is more comfortable . it all so good if i want to watch something in peace and quite . i let rip with a rip roaring stinker and it clears the room with me asking for a cuppa while they are up .


----------



## tyred (22 Jul 2014)

I like Skol said:


> I can squeeze one out on the bike without breaking my cadence but it is a balancing act and requires concentration!



Those thoughtful people at Brooks put three holes in their saddles to facilitate this event.


----------



## Mad Doug Biker (22 Jul 2014)

JoeyB said:


> If my wife knew that she'd have me riding fixed for the rest of my life!



I bet you can, but it will come out like th...th...th... is!


----------



## John the Canuck (22 Jul 2014)

diarrhea and farting ..my god you live dangerously................

chapeau.!


----------



## michaelcycle (22 Jul 2014)

Have you also increased you protein intake recently along with the fibre?


----------



## Berties (22 Jul 2014)

I did a recovery ride with my wife yesterday , who got her diet completely wrong for the day,40 miles in had to take food on , a sandwhich mixed with fluids , she cramped and produced gas that punched another hole in the ozone she greened out till the gas went , she struggled the next 20 miles,so maybe increased fluids and wrong diet contributes to wind in this weather, with some riders


----------



## Smokin Joe (22 Jul 2014)

GrumpyGregry said:


> How often do you clean your bottles?


What the hell has cleaning your boll - oh, sorry, _bottles _


----------



## glasgowcyclist (22 Jul 2014)

No need to worry... until you have a follow through.


GC


----------



## Fab Foodie (22 Jul 2014)

glasgowcyclist said:


> No need to worry... until you have a follow through.
> 
> 
> GC


When you're over 50, never trust a fart ....


----------



## JoeyB (22 Jul 2014)

I followed through on my bike once. I was about 13 and on my way to school. Needless to say I had to turn back for home and pretend I had forgotten my weekly planner lol


----------



## Poacher (22 Jul 2014)

Fab Foodie said:


> When you're over 50, never trust a fart ....


...but be prepared, with Ag2R shorts and a brown saddle!


----------



## jarlrmai (22 Jul 2014)

There's a reason Brooks is so popular with the older cyclists.


----------



## JoeyB (22 Jul 2014)

jarlrmai said:


> There's a reason Brooks is so popular with the older cyclists.


The same reason that used cycling clothing (especially shorts) is hard to shift for the over 50's lol


----------



## Mark1978 (22 Jul 2014)

If I eat a meatball and mozarella paninni from my local deli at lunchtime, the evenings become filled with phrases such as "i bet you are proud of that one" and "is that you or the dog"


----------



## Enis Baysal (22 Jul 2014)

GrumpyGregry said:


> How often do you clean your bottles?


I do not carry bottles as I always make sure im hydrated before my commute to work, plus I pass plenty of shops on route to work 


michaelcycle said:


> Have you also increased you protein intake recently along with the fibre?


no the rest of my diet is pretty much the same. ive only stopped eating more fast foods and, my protein intake does need a little lift I think.. Breakfast is granola. Lunch a beef melt from subway *most convenient prior to work*, dinner is usually aroubd 2-4am after I finish work .. that varies between fish, other meats and veg.
my diet is pretty much routine now.


----------



## Mugshot (22 Jul 2014)

byegad said:


> That said I'm always fairly windy, although rarely do these as smell badly as you describe.


This reminded me of a joke.....or is it a true story?

An old lady goes to the doctor with a personal problem.

‘I constantly get this terrible wind,’ she complains, ‘it’s silent, and doesn’t smell at all, but it’s giving me dreadful stomach cramps – I’m having one right now. Is there anything you can do for me?’

The doctor prescribes her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week she comes back and tells the doctor. ‘Doctor, those pills have just made things worse. I’ve still got the wind and the stomach cramps, but now the wind smells absolutely terrible. What can you do?’

And the doctor say, ‘well, that’s sorted out the problems with your sense of smell, now let’s see what we can do about your hearing’.

Pay heed @byegad


----------



## Globalti (22 Jul 2014)

I love beans on toast but now in my late 50s I'm so unable to digest the carbohydrate that I get agonising stomach cramps and appalling flatulence.

My cycling buddy is a gastroenterologist and he informed me recently that the human rectum is well enough supplied with nerves that the brain can usually tell the difference between gas, liquid and solid contents. This skill is not infallible.


----------



## TheJDog (22 Jul 2014)

raw broccoli does it for me.


----------



## raleighnut (22 Jul 2014)

As a friend of mine says "My farts don't smell".........................................."your nose smells, my farts stink"
He's right


----------



## subaqua (22 Jul 2014)

Fab Foodie said:


> When you're over 50, never trust a fart ....


 over 40 TBF


----------



## subaqua (22 Jul 2014)

Enis Baysal said:


> I do not carry bottles as I always make sure im hydrated before my commute to work, plus I pass plenty of shops on route to work
> 
> no the rest of my diet is pretty much the same. ive only stopped eating more fast foods and, my protein intake does need a little lift I think.. Breakfast is granola. Lunch *a beef melt from subway* *most convenient prior to work*, dinner is usually aroubd 2-4am after I finish work .. that varies between fish, other meats and veg.
> my diet is pretty much routine now.


 there is the problem. flush it straight down the bog and cut out the middle man


----------



## cyberknight (22 Jul 2014)

granola gets me going and if the bananas are not ripe they give me indigestion.


----------



## John the Canuck (22 Jul 2014)

Mark1978 said:


> ........" and "is that you or the dog"



that reminds me............

i used to shout .....''Bad dog Rover Bad Dog..!.........gave him quite a complex..


----------



## raleighnut (22 Jul 2014)

John the Canuck said:


> that reminds me............
> 
> i used to shout .....''Bad dog Rover Bad Dog..!.........gave him quite a complex..


I couldn't do that with my last dog, when he let one rip he used to get up and leave the room..............................shortly followed by the rest of us.


----------



## glasgowcyclist (22 Jul 2014)

Globalti said:


> ... the brain can usually tell the difference between gas, liquid and solid contents.


 
Aye, _usually_.

GC


----------



## John the Canuck (22 Jul 2014)

BTW

do women have this affliction..?..............c'mon fess up.!

lived with a lass for 5 years - she was adamant only men 'ffff'


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

John the Canuck said:


> BTW
> 
> do women have this affliction..?..............c'mon fess up.!


My sister. Not me. Oh no.


----------



## Smokin Joe (22 Jul 2014)

John the Canuck said:


> BTW
> 
> do women have this affliction..?..............c'mon fess up.!


Women don't stop talking for long enough to let the pressure build up.


----------



## vickster (22 Jul 2014)

John the Canuck said:


> BTW
> 
> do women have this affliction..?..............c'mon fess up.!
> 
> lived with a lass for 5 years - she was adamant only men 'ffff'


We can get wind but a) we try not to let rip in company b) we mostly don't talk about and c) certainly don't boast!!


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

vickster said:


> We can get wind but a) we try not to let rip in company b) we mostly don't talk about and c) certainly don't boast!!


I was once working in panto and accidentally let rip in the wings by the desk. I apologised profusely, but one of the crew, who had just turned 21 that day, told me it couldn't possibly be me. Eh? quoth I. No, it can't be, because women don't fart.

He really meant it.

I was dressed as a (principal) boy at the time, but even that didn't convince him.


----------



## welsh dragon (22 Jul 2014)

I'm like the queen. I don't fart. EVER ...........


----------



## vickster (22 Jul 2014)

Indeed, we 'glow'


----------



## raleighnut (22 Jul 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I'm like the queen. I don't fart. EVER ...........


Is'nt it called eau de colon


----------



## welsh dragon (22 Jul 2014)

raleighnut said:


> Is'nt it called eau de colon



I don't fart, belch, sweat, or scratch anything i'll have you know oh and ive got my fingers crossed as well


----------



## subaqua (22 Jul 2014)

vickster said:


> We can get wind but a) we try not to let rip in company b) we mostly don't talk about and c) certainly don't boast!!


my daughter , a lovely sweet thing, makes me smell like a pot pourri . and she sounds like a large horse. she gets it from her mother i think


----------



## Hyslop (22 Jul 2014)

Oh. this has made me smile,entertained and informed me,and reminded of someone with whom we used to ride,"Little Betty Jollybottom" as we knew her,affectionately,if from a distance.A lover of high fibre foods,she figured as a footnote on the Beaufort Scale.Sadly cycling began to pall and she took up Caving.We breathed a sigh of relief,but if she reads this,the nightmare may begin again.


----------



## Ganymede (22 Jul 2014)

Hyslop said:


> Oh. this has made me smile,entertained and informed me,and reminded of someone with whom we used to ride,"Little Betty Jollybottom" as we knew her,affectionately,if from a distance.A lover of high fibre foods,she figured as a footnote on the Beaufort Scale.Sadly cycling began to pall and she took up Caving.We breathed a sigh of relief,but if she reads this,the nightmare may begin again.


Blimey, caving. At least with cycling there's a chance of a cross-breeze....


----------



## deptfordmarmoset (22 Jul 2014)

Me, I only fart online. Virtually.


----------



## Saluki (22 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> a) see your doctor
> 
> b) don't let them linger - carry matches and light a match after the event - wave the lit match in the air to spare your poor Mum and sister the lingering gas! (No explosion will occur!)


Seriously?
Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?


----------



## Gravity Aided (23 Jul 2014)

shouldbeinbed said:


> Its a phenomenon that all new cyclists go through due to saddle chafing and overstimulating the rectal muscles causing them to spasm occasionally to in effect reset themselves as they too adjust to the rigours of cycling, kind of like your leg muscles aching the day after a long ride. The smell is due to the lower bowel having not had time to filter the gas out of and back into the bowel to make it less pungent, (passing the worst elements into your bladder to be expelled less smellily in the urine) before the gas is expelled by the rectal spasming. You'll find it goes away after 18months or so but don't try and light them the elements that cause odour are also rather incendiary.


Methane and Hydrogen are the two combustible ingredients. Volatile sulphur compounds produce the smell. Hydrogen sulphide, methyl mercaptan, dimethyl sulphide, dimethyl bisulphide, and dimethyl trisulphide also play a role.


----------



## Gravity Aided (23 Jul 2014)

Saluki said:


> Seriously?
> Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?


In college, I saw this done, and it set the fellow's pants alight


----------



## byegad (23 Jul 2014)

I hope we are all taking the OP's post seriously.

This is a problem not to be sniffed at after all.


----------



## Ganymede (23 Jul 2014)

Saluki said:


> Seriously?
> Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?


Seriously. Wave the lit match around at bum height in the vicinity of the recent eructation. Don't try to light the actual emerging fart, or tragedy could ensue. Not sure if a lighter works as well as a match - could be that the striking of the phosphorus sets up a rival, but more acceptable, stench.

Seen it done with an over-fragrant Alsatian; done it m'self; works in lavs if you've excelled yourself. Not recommended in small spaces with fire alarms.


----------



## raleighnut (23 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> Seriously. Wave the lit match around at bum height in the vicinity of the recent eructation. Don't try to light the actual emerging fart, or tragedy could ensue. Not sure if a lighter works as well as a match - could be that the striking of the phosphorus sets up a rival, but more acceptable, stench.
> 
> Seen it done with an over-fragrant Alsatian; done it m'self; works in lavs if you've excelled yourself. Not recommended in small spaces with fire alarms.


Or spacesuits,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Cheers Billy


----------



## Ganymede (23 Jul 2014)

raleighnut said:


> Or spacesuits,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Cheers Billy


But imagine... suffocating farts fill spacesuit... wearer collapses... _somebody has to open the spacesuit to rescue him_...

Sequel to Gravity, right there. *sits back, awaits phonecall from Hollywood*


----------



## tyred (23 Jul 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I'm like the queen. I don't fart. EVER ...........



Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.


----------



## welsh dragon (23 Jul 2014)

tyred said:


> Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.



Absolutely, as do I.


----------



## raleighnut (23 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> But imagine... suffocating farts fill spacesuit... wearer collapses... _somebody has to open the spacesuit to rescue him_...
> 
> Sequel to Gravity, right there. *sits back, awaits phonecall from Hollywood*


It was a classic Parkinson moment, apparently one of Micheals favourites.


----------



## Ian A (23 Jul 2014)

I used to fart like a trooper. I had wholegrain everything for breakfast, lunch and bread with a cooked meal. I read up on IBS for a relative and cutting out certain foods and I thought I would give this a try. I pretty much stopped farting immediately. I did eat epic amounts of the stuff though. Refined flour products don't have the same effect on me but I rarely eat those. I get my carbs from fruit, veg and rice now and it's not an issue. If I was trying to be contentious I could say that I also checked to see if I was missing any nutrients I couldn't get in other foods by cutting out breakfast cereals, wholegrain bread and pasta. This was not the case.


----------



## Asa Post (23 Jul 2014)

tyred said:


> Surely the queen has a suitable servant to carry out such essential tasks that one finds disagreeable.


In days of yore it was a mark of social superiority to have good-looking servants. The best of all would usually be required to walk directly behind the master/mistress on public outings. As said servants didn't appear to have any other function, they became known as "fartcatchers".


----------



## shouldbeinbed (23 Jul 2014)

subaqua said:


> with the exception of th bit that causes the odour is incendiary.
> 
> in past moments of stupidity I have lit them and burnt the hair on my upper thighs .
> 
> I could quote spike milligan , but for those who are really just big kids ( most Males from 18 up to 118 according to my wife) have a google and a giggle


 the best lies always have a nugget of truth. 

I've seen them lit but never dared try myself, I fear it'd start a bush fire (IGMC)


----------



## Ganymede (23 Jul 2014)

shouldbeinbed said:


> the best lies always have a nugget of truth.
> 
> I've seen them lit but never dared try myself, I fear it'd start a bush fire (IGMC)


Take a bath. Light the bubbles as they pop. Fire-free fun!


----------



## subaqua (23 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> Take a bath. Light the bubbles as they pop. Fire-free fun!


 a bit like a human carbide lamp then ( calcium Carbide in water releases acetylene gas )


----------



## cyberknight (23 Jul 2014)

Saluki said:


> Seriously?
> Would chasing my Husband around with a Zippo really help? The dogs will stop passing out with his frequent gas attacks?


For those with a really bad problem you need a big jar and then transfer it to the gas pipeline to reduce your gas bill


----------



## tyred (23 Jul 2014)

I'm going to start collecting into jam pots and set up a stink bomb factory.


----------



## stephec (23 Jul 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> I'm like the queen. I don't fart. EVER ...........



Where does all the hot air come out then?


----------



## welsh dragon (23 Jul 2014)

stephec said:


> Where does all the hot air come out then?




YOU.


----------



## stephec (23 Jul 2014)

subaqua said:


> with the exception of th bit that causes the odour is incendiary.
> 
> in past moments of stupidity I have lit them and burnt the hair on my upper thighs .
> 
> I could quote spike milligan , but for those who are really just big kids ( most Males from 18 up to 118 according to my wife) have a google and a giggle



Best way to do it is make sure you're wearing jeans, stretch your legs in such a way that that they're tight, and ignoring the advice of, 'no naked flames,' position your lighter carefully.


----------



## stephec (23 Jul 2014)

welsh dragon said:


> YOU.



So I can blame you then?


----------



## byegad (23 Jul 2014)

Every single time I pop in to read this thread my wife stares at me as if she had a singularly unpleasant smell under her nose. Is this normal?


----------



## Ganymede (23 Jul 2014)

Ganymede said:


> My sister. Not me. Oh no.


Oh dear, my sister just read this thread (I linked it to her having unguardedly confessed that I was whiling my precious hours away discussing farting on a cycling forum) so I have had to apologise profusely for the above. And feel it only fair to add that I just farted.

*hangs head, sighs resignedly, vows to lead, henceforth, a better life*

EDIT:

ALTHOUGH... just realised that, as I have TWO sisters, she must have made the connection herself. Why was THAT then, eh? Eh????

EDIT AGAIN:

Spookily, she was simultaneously sending me this message:

"It's totally true...
You could just have said you meant [other sister]."

Well she is my identical twin.


----------



## ayceejay (23 Jul 2014)

Do you ride with your mouth open? If so all that trapped air has to come out somewhere.
My teenaged son once had a debate with his mother concerning the polite definition of 'fart' a word she was not fond of: is a smelly noise or a noisy smell? Of course what this boils down to is "When did you last beat your wife?" and the poor boy limped away defeated.


----------



## Ajax Bay (1 Apr 2022)

cyberknight said:


> For those with a really bad problem you need a big jar and then transfer it to the gas pipeline to reduce your gas bill


Verily, an initiative whose time has come. 20-20 foresight, @cyberknight


----------



## Darius_Jedburgh (1 Apr 2022)

8 years to reply??
That's going to be a massive fart. 
Forget Putin's bio weapons.


----------



## Ajax Bay (1 Apr 2022)

Well I wasn't here in 2014 (and nor were you), and gas then cost a good deal less; a good good deal less.
I encourage you (and all) to scan the whole thread, but not while drinking a cup of coffee.
As for "bio" I think you might be confusing the 'B' and the 'C' in NBC for this 'individual' agent.


----------



## Rusty Nails (1 Apr 2022)

Ajax Bay said:


> Verily, an initiative whose time has come. 20-20 foresight, @cyberknight


I have passed his post on to Olaf Scholz. Could be the answer to Germany's problems with the Russian gas supply.


----------



## Peter Salt (1 Apr 2022)

Thank you for digging this out


----------



## Ajax Bay (1 Apr 2022)

Credit due to @freiston (see related CC Café sub-forum thread)


----------



## Gravity Aided (2 Apr 2022)

Cow poo is trapped for methane, but they have that whole four stomach thing going on.


----------



## presta (2 Apr 2022)

I could fart for Britain when I was cycling regularly, _really _aromatic ones, ripe and rich, but my bowel has calmed down a bit since I quit cycling. Stuffed peppers make the best ones. I recall dropping one in the library once, a guy came along the aisle, turned into the bay where I was standing, then rebounded like he'd walked into a sheet of rubber. 
Since I had bowel surgery I'm a bit prone to surprise farts, I don't feel them coming in time, so they slip out before I can catch them.


Joshua Plumtree said:


> Sex is always the answer. More or less- can't remember which!


Sex does it. Trying to hold on to one so as not to spoil the afterglow......


----------



## Fab Foodie (2 Apr 2022)

This thread's just a load of guff....


----------



## Peter Salt (2 Apr 2022)

Lockdown and all the remote working really affected my ability to hold in farts. You don't have to do it at home and on an online call you're muted half the time.

I guess the muscles responsible for holding one in have become somewhat relaxed and are now underdeveloped.

Anyone have good tips on how to become a tight-arse again?

P.S. I already live in Yorkshire.


----------



## Gravity Aided (2 Apr 2022)

Peter Salt said:


> Lockdown and all the remote working really affected my ability to hold in farts. You don't have to do it at home and on an online call you're muted half the time.
> 
> I guess the muscles responsible for holding one in have become somewhat relaxed and are now underdeveloped.
> 
> ...


I think that relaxed muscles for holding it in are the natural state. I think the world may have moved on from the tight arsedness so prevalent in the 20th century. Hang loose, be natural.


----------



## Gravity Aided (2 Apr 2022)

presta said:


> Stuffed peppers make the best ones. I recall dropping one in the library once, a guy came along the aisle, turned into the bay where I was standing, then rebounded like he'd walked into a sheet of rubber.


Jamaican patties work well too. Must be the Scotch Bonnet peppers.


----------



## FrothNinja (15 Apr 2022)

How did the expression "fart like a trooper" come to be? Were they fed solidly on a diet of cabbage, beans, and beef to make them so notoriously windy?


----------



## Once a Wheeler (15 Apr 2022)

Try this from the land of Eddy Merckx:



Like chicken soup, can't do you any harm — and it is supposed to help optimize your bowel microbiology. It will probably either stop it or make you a Guinness Book of Records candidate.


----------



## Fab Foodie (24 Apr 2022)

Once a Wheeler said:


> Try this from the land of Eddy Merckx:
> View attachment 640117
> 
> Like chicken soup, can't do you any harm — and it is supposed to help optimize your bowel microbiology. It will probably either stop it or make you a Guinness Book of Records candidate.



@Hill Wimp swears it helps her sleep. I've not yet witnessed her duvet floating off the bed.....


----------



## Fab Foodie (25 Apr 2022)

Fab Foodie said:


> @Hill Wimp swears it helps her sleep. I've not yet witnessed her duvet floating off the bed.....



UPDATE: Used it last nigh in pre-bedtime drink...my duvet is in tatters...never again.


----------



## Ming the Merciless (19 May 2022)

In the Alps is known as HAFE

High Altitude Flatulent Expulsion.


----------



## Ming the Merciless (19 May 2022)

I also had a mate who use to call it an Alpine Chuff when climbing in the Alps.


----------



## lazybloke (19 May 2022)

Once a Wheeler said:


> Try this from the land of Eddy Merckx:
> View attachment 640117
> 
> Like chicken soup, can't do you any harm — and it is supposed to help optimize your bowel microbiology. It will probably either stop it or make you a Guinness Book of Records candidate.



Inulin... I think fartichokes are rich in Inulin.
The horror.


----------



## newts (19 May 2022)

Many years ago when our kids were small, a group of us regularly went camping. One trip Mrs Newts had made enough shepherd's pie for everyone on the first night. Strangely this food, when mixed with copious ammounts of cider produces a lot of gas. 3 sheets to the wind it was decided to prove the theory that farts could be lit. One of the older dads (about 40 at the time) assumed the position in a folding chair with lighter in hand. 

There was hesitation in the departure lounge & the lighter nervously moved closer to the ignition point than was sensible. All too quickly there was a smell of burning nylon as his shorts started to smoulder. 
This wasn't the end of the matter as panic set in his body clenched so tight that the previously reluctant gas, finally expelled in a large blue/yellow flash. Next the poor fellow was rolling around on the grass trying to put his shorts out, whilst everyone else present was aching with laughter🔥🔥🔥


----------



## mustang1 (19 May 2022)

You're riding at full gas huh?


----------



## Gravity Aided (20 May 2022)

newts said:


> Many years ago when our kids were small, a group of us regularly went camping. One trip Mrs Newts had made enough shepherd's pie for everyone on the first night. Strangely this food, when mixed with copious ammounts of cider produces a lot of gas. 3 sheets to the wind it was decided to prove the theory that farts could be lit. One of the older dads (about 40 at the time) assumed the position in a folding chair with lighter in hand.
> 
> There was hesitation in the departure lounge & the lighter nervously moved closer to the ignition point than was sensible. All too quickly there was a smell of burning nylon as his shorts started to smoulder.
> This wasn't the end of the matter as panic set in his body clenched so tight that the previously reluctant gas, finally expelled in a large blue/yellow flash. Next the poor fellow was rolling around on the grass trying to put his shorts out, whilst everyone else present was aching with laughter🔥🔥🔥



I saw that happen at Uni, under similar circumstances.


----------

