# CycleChat's cycling twonk of the year



## Jon George (25 Jul 2014)

I'd like to self-nominate.
Honestly, there are times I could weep at my stupidity. For the last three-and-a-half years since I got the bug, I've been frustrated (and spent much time bemoaning the fact) at finding cycling-prohibited signs at various places. It's only today that I've remembered that triangular signs are generally warnings - it's the round ones I have to obey. 
Now heading off to study Traffic Signs on the GOV.UK site.


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## summerdays (25 Jul 2014)

Not even all the round ones, some of them don't apply to cyclists!

But yes it is worth rereading the Highway Code every now and again.


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## RhythMick (25 Jul 2014)

Sorry, not good enough by a country mile. You can't waltz in here with your "I got a few signs wrong" and take the twonk crown.

I've lost count of my own stupid acts, but I'd vote for the guy who tried to inflate his inner tube to 100psi without the tyre around it. I forget how far he got before it went bang.


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## DCLane (25 Jul 2014)

Try going down Sutton Bank and only 100m from the bottom realising there was a right-hand bend. At 50 mph.


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## Hip Priest (25 Jul 2014)

I'd like to nominate myself. 

I've got no mechanical sympathy, so I spent £40 on a torque wrench. 

The first thing I did with it is over-tighten one of my stem bolts, resulting in a cracked stem, because I didn't understand how it worked.

I almost certainly need to get the torque wrench re-calibrated as a result.

I am the end of a bell.


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## Dave 123 (25 Jul 2014)

Imagine changing your front tyre on Sunday on your commute bike, then on Monday morning going down the hill thinking "these brakes are crap...." That you forgot, after telling yourself to double check that you didn't do up the quick release brake levers

This was a mate of mine.... Honest.


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## Jon George (25 Jul 2014)

RhythMick said:


> Sorry, not good enough by a country mile. You can't waltz in here with your "I got a few signs wrong" and take the twonk crown.
> 
> I've lost count of my own stupid acts, but I'd vote for the guy who tried to inflate his inner tube to 100psi without the tyre around it. I forget how far he got before it went bang.


In an odd way, this is restoring my faith in the human race - I've just had one great belly laugh. Thanks - it's good to know I'm amongst friends.


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## DCLane (25 Jul 2014)

Jon George said:


> In an odd way, this is restoring my faith in the human race - I've just had one great belly laugh. Thanks - it's good to know I'm amongst friends.


 
Absolutely. How many do you want:

- Going up to Emley Mast on a cold, frosty November morning in 2012 I realised the roads had been gritted. So promptly shot down the hill after it until, at the first bend, I realised they _hadn't_ gritted the road after Emley Mast. Cue sliding on ice and arriving at the club's cafe stop asking for "a large coffee, toasted teacake, bowl of warm water, antiseptic wipes and some large plasters".

- Fitting a new set of brakes to my bike then, on going on a ride, realising I _hadn't_ fitted the pads yet  . Note: I live at the top of a steep hill. 

- Trying to unclip on a busy Saturday morning in Holmfirth this April, trying again and then falling over at the main road junction. Wearing club kit. In front of the TDF wannabes.  2 bolts had come undone from my cleats  . Arrived at the same cafe as earlier with another "a large coffee, toasted teacake, bowl of warm water, antiseptic wipes and some large plasters" request.

That'll do for now ...


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## Fab Foodie (25 Jul 2014)

Going camping with my mate and forgetting to pack the tent ....


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## Matthames (25 Jul 2014)

How about doing a flat out sprint just before riding over these: http://goo.gl/JuD5xS, and how about doing it on a bike that only has 16 inch wheels. Fortunately there was a Sainsbury next door. Managed to get bandaged up. To make it even more silly, I had an archery competition the next day that I had to pull out of the head to heads, so that I could go into Edinburgh to get a new frame for my front bag and some medical supplies for my arm, which I had taken a whole chunk of skin off. All this has meant that I will miss out on getting a national ranking this year.


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## GrumpyGregry (25 Jul 2014)

Jon George said:


> I'd like to self-nominate.
> Honestly, there are times I could weep at my stupidity. For the last three-and-a-half years since I got the bug, I've been frustrated (and spent much time bemoaning the fact) at finding cycling-prohibited signs at various places. It's only today that I've remembered that triangular signs are generally warnings - it's the round ones I have to obey.
> Now heading off to study Traffic Signs on the GOV.UK site.


as you penance photo copy the page of the HC and hand the copies out to every pedestrian who, mistakenly thinking the same as you used to, calls you out.


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## young Ed (25 Jul 2014)

it has to be me!
i inflated and rode a tyre and 15psi (atmospheric pressure is 14.7 psi)
falling off after bombing it along a strava segment and forgetting it was my first clipless ride
peeing off too many bus drivers to the point they want to kill me apparently as i take ages to join A road outside my school
riding home on brothers BSO whilst in full work gear, steel toe capped boots and a ford tractor manual in my left hand
shouting saying rather loudly 'nice tunes' to a older man in a open top sports car in front of me in a traffic jam
wearing lycra cycling shorts to sports day (apparently i cycle in speedos?)
etc etc etc
Cheers Ed


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## classic33 (25 Jul 2014)

RhythMick said:


> Sorry, not good enough by a country mile. You can't waltz in here with your "I got a few signs wrong" and take the twonk crown.
> 
> I've lost count of my own stupid acts, but I'd vote for the guy who tried to inflate his inner tube to 100psi without the tyre around it. I forget how far he got before it went bang.


About the 20psi mark. But how big did he get the inner tube?


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## EltonFrog (26 Jul 2014)

I spent an hour removing the complicated Ortlieb handle bar bag mound from my hybrid to put it on my new hybrid. Only to realise that having got it off the old bike, I had actually put it back on the old bike instead of the new one.

You don't get more twonkish than that.


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## Jon George (26 Jul 2014)

CarlP said:


> You don't get more twonkish than that.



I suspect you know this, this has really made me laugh. I intended this thread as a piece of mild self-deprecation, but it is producing pockets of comic gold that I think we all should all be proud of. Chapeau to all you twonks!


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## Globalti (26 Jul 2014)

CarlP said:


> I spent an hour removing the complicated Ortlieb handle bar bag mound from my hybrid to put it on my new hybrid. Only to realise that having got it off the old bike, I had actually put it back on the old bike instead of the new one.
> 
> You don't get more twonkish than that.



Oh yes! I've done that a few times in the past!


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## RhythMick (26 Jul 2014)

classic33 said:


> About the 20psi mark. But how big did he get the inner tube?


No idea, it was a thread on this site somewhere. Had me rolling on the lawn with my family reaching for the phone. Again. 

It's quite refreshing to hear it's not just me.


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## classic33 (26 Jul 2014)

RhythMick said:


> No idea, it was a thread on this site somewhere. Had me rolling on the lawn with my family reaching for the phone. Again.
> 
> It's quite refreshing to hear it's not just me.


Managed to get a 27inch tube to over 10 foot diameter. Checking to make certain I'd fixed the puncture. Then found I'd no tube. 
Thought I'd see how big I could get it.


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## glenn forger (26 Jul 2014)

Went to inflate the Airzound on a really cold day, there was a bowel-loosening BANG and my ears rang for two days.


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## _aD (26 Jul 2014)

Fab Foodie said:


> Going camping with my mate and forgetting to pack the tent ....


I did something similar - camping trip to Porthmadog in Coldest Wales in winter. Forgot my coat. And my sleeping bag.


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## _aD (26 Jul 2014)

Jon George said:


> I'd like to self-nominate.
> Honestly, there are times I could weep at my stupidity. For the last three-and-a-half years since I got the bug, I've been frustrated (and spent much time bemoaning the fact) at finding cycling-prohibited signs at various places. It's only today that I've remembered that triangular signs are generally warnings - it's the round ones I have to obey.



I can beat that hands down. This week I went for a brief ride to check the tweaks to my brakes. I was paying too much attention to a van in the side rode I wanted to join, and as a result didn't see the car coming down my road towards me. He would have hit me were it not for his quick reactions. Never done anything so stupid in my life :-(


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## PaulSecteur (26 Jul 2014)

My claim to twonkness is almost slitting my wrist on the large chainwheel when loosening a stubborn pedal suddenly became un-stubborn.

Oh yes... there was blood.


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## glasgowcyclist (26 Jul 2014)

I arrived at work one day in record time, it felt like I was really flying all the way in. Got off the bike to put it in the shed and saw that my pannier with all my clothes wasn't on the bike; I'd left it at the garage door. Nothing for it but get back on the bike to go 7.5 miles home. 
Uphill.
Nobber.



GC


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## slowmotion (26 Jul 2014)

I fixed a puncture at home and rode to work across London. Carrying the bike up the stairs, the front wheel dropped off. I had forgotten to tighten the QR skewer.


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## alecstilleyedye (26 Jul 2014)

PaulSecteur said:


> My claim to twonkness is almost slitting my wrist on the large chainwheel when loosening a stubborn pedal suddenly became un-stubborn.
> 
> Oh yes... there was blood.


i've still got a scar on my palm for that…


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## slowmotion (26 Jul 2014)

alecstilleyedye said:


> i've still got a scar on my palm for that…


Slipping chain whips have the same type of effect.

I know this.....


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## Jon George (26 Jul 2014)

I'm withdrawing my candidacy - the staggering twonkness being admitted here is out of my class and is of a quality I can only admire.  Though there was that time I got lost on Dufton Fell. In a freezing fog. With a broken thermos. While wearing an army surplus camouflage jacket that rendered me invisible at a distance of ten feet. But since this is a cycling forum, I'm not counting it.


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## _aD (26 Jul 2014)

I once cycled around the village I used to live in. It was day four of my cycle camping tour. Twas dark, raining and my lights were starting to fade. Not that it mattered much - the signposts were mostly overcome by trees and hedges anyway.

By "cycled around the village", I mean that literally. I managed orbit the entire place twice before figuring out where the hell I was and getting to my sister's place in need of tea and cake. That was a blimmin' good ride though.


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## roadrash (26 Jul 2014)

how about fitting the cycle rack to the car driving 25 miles to the mountain bike trail then realizing you forgot to put the bike on the rack, does that make me a first class twonk


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## EltonFrog (26 Jul 2014)

roadrash said:


> how about fitting the cycle rack to the car driving 25 miles to the mountain bike trail then realizing you forgot to put the bike on the rack, does that make me a first class twonk



That really is quite spectacular twonkness, if you don't mind me saying so, almost pathological twonkishness.


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## Joey Shabadoo (27 Jul 2014)

I once cycled to work 12 miles at 5am in winter, through sleet, gales and hailstones using only my postie's torch for illumination to discover on arrival at the sorting office it was a Bank Holiday.


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## RhythMick (27 Jul 2014)

slowmotion said:


> I fixed a puncture at home and rode to work across London. Carrying the bike up the stairs, the front wheel dropped off. I had forgotten to tighten the QR skewer.


I have one similar. Bought my shiny new Brompton from Evans, and my shiny new hub dynamo set. Quickly and easily installed at home. Only discovered while going over a bumpy footbridge over Exeter Quay that I hadn't tightened the front skewer - bits dropped in water. Fortunately not critical bits, had to make do with a nut and washers.


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## RhythMick (27 Jul 2014)

swl said:


> I once cycled to work 12 miles at 5am in winter, through sleet, gales and hailstones using only my postie's torch for illumination to discover on arrival at the sorting office it was a Bank Holiday.


That's a cracker.


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## threebikesmcginty (27 Jul 2014)

I drove a 100 miles to collect a bike and I hadn't got the key to unlock the roof mounted cycle rack with me. So 200 miles in total for feck all.

Fitting a new chain and forgetting to loop it through the rear derailleur, most folks have probably done that one.


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## Mandragora (27 Jul 2014)

Cheerily cycling the wrong way down a narrow street in the UK after four weeks cycling in France, and waving back at all the car drivers coming in the other direction who were waving at me in such an enthusiastic way.


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## Cubist (27 Jul 2014)

Only last Monday. I'd done a big ride in York the day before, and rather than stay and have Sunday dinner with the family at the MIL's I told them I had to be in for work at 7 the next day. I therefore drove home, snatched a sandwich and went to bed. Dragged my weary carcass out of bed at five the next morning and cycled to work. I walked into my office after a shower and change to find a colleague looking at me puzzled. "Thought I was covering earlies" he said. A quick check of the duties computer showed that I was scheduled to start at 3pm.


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## Profpointy (27 Jul 2014)

PaulSecteur said:


> My claim to twonkness is almost slitting my wrist on the large chainwheel when loosening a stubborn pedal suddenly became un-stubborn.
> 
> Oh yes... there was blood.



I suspect we've all done that. And I suspect most of us thought "If that slips I'm going to cut myself on the chainring" just beforehand


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## Idoru (27 Jul 2014)

My latest claim to idiocy...

Thinking to myself "I'll get up early to ride in the morning as I'm working late a lot". So I dutifully got up and headed out of the door at sparrow fart. 10 minutes in I'm thinking "sheesh, I'm really not a morning person this is hard!". An hour of sweating and grunting later I freewheel to a stop and realise I hadn't freewheeled as far as I would have expected to... got off the bike and spotted that the rear brake had been rubbing from the start.


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## Dan B (27 Jul 2014)

First time I used clipless pedals I thought "I know, I'll leave the cleats loose on the shoes until I've worked out what angle they should be at". Had to take my shoes off to detach myself from the bike


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## EltonFrog (27 Jul 2014)

I think this twonk thread could run and run.

About fourteen years ago my wife bought me my first pair of spd pedals, and I fitted them to my Cannondale Jekyll 2000, I took them out for a test ride round the tracks of Richmond Park. All was going very well and as I approached a junction I saw a bloke having a break standing by a tree, he had exactly the same bike as me. So checking his bike out and acting all cool like, I came to a standstill ready to cross the junction. I forgot to take out my feet off the pedals, I went over like DelBoy through the bar hatch in OFAH. What a Twonker.

I got up dusted myself off like it happens all the time tried not to look embarrassed and rode off, my wife pissing herself laughing.


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## _aD (27 Jul 2014)

Many moons ago I was out with my cycling mate doing some local tracks and trails that we hadn't yet plumbed. After almost being thrown off my bike from a startled pheasant taking flight launching from the hedge next to me, we took a turn down a concrete road back to areas familiar. It was dusk and we'd decided to put on the lights once we reached the road. I was ahead by five seconds down the lovely long run and then suddenly noticed the gate across the road, whilst doing about 30mph. The steel gate across the concrete road at dusk*, which was practically invisible.

aD: Oh shiGATE!*CRASH*
Five seconds later...
Grah: Whatthegate*CRASH*

One of my reflectors broke off. How we didn't break our bikes and ourselves I'll never know. I hit that gate pretty hard and Grah joined me, quite literally.

We still get a good laugh from being gated :-)

* Yes, we had inadvertently detoured off public land, it seemed


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## _aD (27 Jul 2014)

CarlP said:


> I think this twonk thread could run and run.


If you insist...


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## deptfordmarmoset (27 Jul 2014)

Dan B said:


> First time I used clipless pedals I thought "I know, I'll leave the cleats loose on the shoes until I've worked out what angle they should be at". Had to take my shoes off to detach myself from the bike


Tee hee, a cleat variation is to engage the shoe to the cleats by hand to see how the mechanism works. Then you realise how hard it is to disengage a shoe from cleats. And you end up putting your shoes on again to get them off the bike.


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## akb (28 Jul 2014)

Not cycling related per se, but we have a pram for our 10 month old which uses a tube / tyre set up.

Tip of the day: clean the tyre wall before inflating. A '8' looks very similar at a glance to an '3'. Therefore getting pump happy with a track pump and inflating the tyre to 80 psi and not the recommended 30 psi results in an inquisitive call from the mrs, whilst shes halfway round a 2 mile dog walk with a completely shattered tyre! Oops!  Was quite surprised she got that far tbh!


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## roadrash (28 Jul 2014)

bloody hell 18 likes for my twonk of the year post .... now to work out if thats a good thing or bad thing


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## w00hoo_kent (28 Jul 2014)

Spending ages worrying about the creaking crank before realising it was the leading edge of my trainer rubbing on the arm.

Convincing myself my gears had suddenly become all screwed up when I couldn't change up the cassette despite being near the middle, hassling over it for a mile and a half in traffic before realising that every time I pushed the lever the front mech moved. Then pushing the other lever and realising everything was fine with the mechs, it was just my head needed some work.

Driving to the Bath to Bristol railway path, going to unload the bikes and realising the key to the lock was still in the B&B, fortunately it wasn't *too* far away.


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## SatNavSaysStraightOn (28 Jul 2014)

roadrash said:


> how about fitting the cycle rack to the car driving 25 miles to the mountain bike trail then realizing you forgot to put the bike on the rack, does that make me a first class twonk


I take it you never use your rear view mirror? I am always checking that they bikes are still there!

Edit: I guess it could have been a roof mounted one though


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## MossCommuter (28 Jul 2014)

Yesterday when I got home I realised I'd forgotten my bicycle


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## LCpl Boiled Egg (28 Jul 2014)

(This happened a few years ago, so I may not be eligible for this year's competition... haha)

It's the Christmas holidays and I'm cleaning my bike ready to go back to work after a relaxing break. I've removed the chain for cleaning and am about to put it back on the bike. I go to put the chain on, forget there's nothing stopping the cranks from spinning round and get smacked in the eye by a pedal. I shout, causing my wife to rush out to see what the swearing is about. She trips over the back step and twists her ankle.

So I can't open my eye and my wife, with a bad ankle, has to drive me to the middle of nowhere to see the out of hours doctor. This was on New Years Day as well - I should have just watched the telly.


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## Scoosh (28 Jul 2014)

ABikeCam said:


> (This happened a few years ago, so I may not be eligible for this year's competition... haha)
> 
> It's the Christmas holidays and I'm cleaning my bike ready to go back to work after a relaxing break. I've removed the chain for cleaning and am about to put it back on the bike. I go to put the chain on, forget there's nothing stopping the cranks from spinning round and get smacked in the eye by a pedal. I shout, causing my wife to rush out to see what the swearing is about. She trips over the back step and twists her ankle.
> 
> So I can't open my eye and my wife, with a bad ankle, has to drive me to the middle of nowhere to see the out of hours doctor. This was on New Years Day as well - I should have just watched the telly.


Sorry - I couldn't help but  at your and your wife's misfortunes !


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## roadrash (28 Jul 2014)

SatNavSaysStraightOn said:


> I take it you never use your rear view mirror? I am always checking that they bikes are still there!
> 
> Edit: I guess it could have been a roof mounted one though


 
thats what makes it even more twonkish ...it was rear mounted and yes i do uise my mirror, it just never clicked that the bike wasnt there


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## glenn forger (28 Jul 2014)

Posted this before but I drew level with a bloke on a Classic Dawes frame at the traffic lights. I was on my Galaxy.

"Sxxx bike!"

I said. As a joke. I was on a Dawes, thought he'd notice I was being friendly.

"Xxxx off!"

He said, and rode off before I could explain.


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## AndyRM (28 Jul 2014)

Another tale of cleat based twonkishness:

When I first upgraded to SPD I was quite chuffed that all installation efforts had gone smoothly. After half an hour of sweating and cursing as I practised propped up in my dining room I still couldn't get the buggers to engage. I took the shoes to work the next day, seeking a knowledgeable colleagues advice. Generously, he managed not to laugh as pointed out I'd screwed them in the wrong way up.

And an inner tube one:

When I first started out I decided to see how they worked outside a tyre. I kept on going until the inevitable explosion. Wouldn't have been a problem really, but they were slime filled efforts. There are still stains on the paving slabs at the front of the house.

And a clothes one:

Went out on my first long ride with no gloves, assuming a warm summer morning. I hadn't factored in the wind and couldn't use the brakes properly which made the steeper descents terrifying.

I'm sure I'll think of more...


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## slowwww (28 Jul 2014)

Coming to a halt at an unfamiliar set of traffic lights, and noticing that there was a handily placed traffic bollard so I decided that I could rest my hand on top of this and wait for the lights to change rather than unclipping from the cleats.

Unfortunately, the bollard wasn't fixed in position, and so as soon I leant any weight on this it started to slide across the pavement. The resultant noise of plastic scraping across pavement ensured that everyone in the local vicinity turned around to watch my less than stately progress to the ground like a felled redwood.


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## IDMark2 (28 Jul 2014)

Has anyone done this? Stand to uhmmm..readjust lower half clothing whilst freewheeling at about 15mph, inadvertently stick heel of shoe in spokes of rear wheel bringing it to a sudden halt, skidding gradually to a halt while frantically trying in vain to remove said heel (completely forgetting that there is another foot that could be utilised when the inevitable forward motion finally runs out and choosing that side to fall on) and then slowly falling over still attached to bike as forward momentum does indeed run out, completely ruining, by wearing a single 2 inch spot of freshly fitted-that-morning new Bontrager Racing rear tyre through to the canvas, blowing the inner tube and having to bodge an emergency repair with a multitool pouch. No? Me neither.


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## EltonFrog (28 Jul 2014)

slowwww said:


> Coming to a halt at an unfamiliar set of traffic lights, and noticing that there was a handily placed traffic bollard so I decided that I could rest my hand on top of this and wait for the lights to change rather than unclipping from the cleats.
> 
> Unfortunately, the bollard wasn't fixed in position, and so as soon I leant any weight on this it started to slide across the pavement. The resultant noise of plastic scraping across pavement ensured that everyone in the local vicinity turned around to watch my less than stately progress to the ground like a felled redwood.



That deserves a King Of The Twonks Jersey that.


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## AndyRM (28 Jul 2014)

CarlP said:


> That deserves a King Of The Twonks Jersey that.


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## w00hoo_kent (28 Jul 2014)

Can you add the text "I've only gone & done it" under the tick?


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## EltonFrog (28 Jul 2014)

w00hoo_kent said:


> Can you add the text "I've only gone & done it" under the tick?



Brilliant!


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## _aD (28 Jul 2014)

AndyRM said:


> Another tale of cleat based twonkishness



That's OK, there's really no need to tell us another one. We'll just assume that every fourth bike ride done be someone with SPDs manages a twonk. (FLAME RETARDANT CLOTHING: ENGAGED)


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## AndyRM (28 Jul 2014)

_aD said:


> That's OK, there's really no need to tell us another one. We'll just assume that every fourth bike ride done be someone with SPDs manages a twonk. (FLAME RETARDANT CLOTHING: ENGAGED)



Easy to do when you first start off clip-less, and I'm not sure that anyone's managed to learn without a 'Clip-less Moment' of some kind! I had a couple in my first week - forgot I was clipped in once, unclipped the wrong foot and confused myself the second time. There is nothing quite like toppling over in slow motion at the head of stationary traffic to provide a cyclist with a humiliating lesson, which only needs taught once or twice. I think the worst part is the undignified wrestle on the ground one endures if not clipped out on both sides.

Still, I got off lightly. A friend of mine realised he didn't have a clue how to clip out and ended up collapsing against his garage door. He was propped there for some time with his family laughing at him as he struggled to get free. He even phoned me asking what to do, which was brilliant.


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## Donger (28 Jul 2014)

Anybody else ever decided to get in from the cold and change their tyres in the living room? Then over-inflated one of them to exploding point? A "Slime" innertube ? The snotty green splatter pattern defies description. Mrs D My ... erm..._friend's_ wife may never let m ...er .._him_ forget about it.


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## fabregas485 (28 Jul 2014)

I have cycled to the station before and then got the train to work. On the way home I have got out of the station and jumped straight onto a bus. I got home thinking I may go out for a bike ride and remember I left it parked at the station xD


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## kevin_cambs_uk (28 Jul 2014)

How about not realising just what rim tape actually does until you change the inner tube 3 times and all exploding!

Scratched my head a few times that day!!!


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## kevin_cambs_uk (28 Jul 2014)

roadrash said:


> how about fitting the cycle rack to the car driving 25 miles to the mountain bike trail then realizing you forgot to put the bike on the rack, does that make me a first class twonk



How about forgetting said bike is on the roof and going into a ground level multi story...

Bike was just ripped off the roof ! Luckily there was no one behind me !!!


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## guitarpete247 (28 Jul 2014)

How lucky I felt yesterday. I've been meaning to tweak up the tension on my SPD's on the MTB as I keep slipping out when putting in the extra effort up hill. 
Well there I was, Sunday, at the caff and decided I'd nip down to the bank to get a bit of cash out. Cycling down to cash point I unclipped left and stepped over frame then realised I'm on one foot and still clipped in, approaching cash point. 

Thank god I've not tweaked up the tension yet.


But my twonk moment was many years ago and freewheeling down Market Weighton Hill when I got a fly in my eye. I was concentrating so much on braking and staying upright that I couldn't work out which eye it was in so closed both and squeezed brakes harder .


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## paddy01 (28 Jul 2014)

Most of mine usually result from a suddenly running out of talent.. 

Returning to cycling in my 30's and chasing a little whippet from the LBS down some single track I realised (too late as it happens) that I wasn't able to ride like I could when I was 18 and racing cross country... I was still clipped in whilst being helped from my inverted position in the shrubbery.

Mind you that accident itself stung slightly less than the comments from my then fiance when I came home covered in blood like I'd got caught up in a zombie apocalypse 3 weeks before the wedding.. I think it might have been the first time I heard "Aren't you a bit old.."


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## Stonechat (29 Jul 2014)

The number of times I have forgotten to take a lock with me when I will need it.

This year for the London to Brighton, Mrs Stonechat was heading for the south coast the day before to meet me there.
The last afternoon before she went, I had suitcase packed. Then we decided to visti mum. Took my shoes out of the suitcase
Result, in Brighton had only spd's to wear


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## slowwww (29 Jul 2014)

CarlP said:


> That deserves a King Of The Twonks Jersey that.


 
....I thank you!!


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## Andrew_Culture (29 Jul 2014)

Old ones, but I present to you....

Taking a cheeky shortcut not knowing what a har har is:




Turning a corner at speed on a very sandy road:


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## tadpole (29 Jul 2014)

Buy some new glasses, and forgetting they have much thicker arms. Cycling to work a few days later, already a buffing and blowing when out of the corner of my eye I spot a dark shape approaching on my right, thinking it's someone having snuck up on me and about to overtake me, I speed up, nope still there, mash the pedals harder, speed up to my max, and the silent shadow is there. Keep it up for about three miles, before burning legs for me to concede, properly look round to acknowledge the silent speed king, only for there to be no one about.


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## EltonFrog (29 Jul 2014)

Andrew_Culture said:


> Old ones, but I present to you....
> 
> Taking a cheeky shortcut not knowing what a har har is:
> 
> ...



Now that is spectacular twonkery. I would have loved to have seen that.


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## PaulSecteur (29 Jul 2014)

Andrew_Culture said:


> Old ones, but I present to you....
> 
> Taking a cheeky shortcut not knowing what a har har is:
> 
> ...


Is that second one a Grifter?

Ive never known anyone bend one of those pig iron beasts!


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## Donger (29 Jul 2014)

AndyRM said:


> Easy to do when you first start off clip-less, and I'm not sure that anyone's managed to learn without a 'Clip-less Moment' of some kind! I had a couple in my first week - forgot I was clipped in once, unclipped the wrong foot and confused myself the second time. There is nothing quite like toppling over in slow motion at the head of stationary traffic to provide a cyclist with a humiliating lesson, which only needs taught once or twice. I think the worst part is the undignified wrestle on the ground one endures if not clipped out on both sides.
> 
> Still, I got off lightly. A friend of mine realised he didn't have a clue how to clip out and ended up collapsing against his garage door. *He was propped there for some time with his family laughing at him as he struggled to get free. He even phoned me asking what to do, which was brilliant*.


  *That's the one! Give him his award now*.


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## Jon George (29 Jul 2014)

AndyRM said:


> Still, I got off lightly. A friend of mine realised he didn't have a clue how to clip out and ended up collapsing against his garage door. He was propped there for some time with his family laughing at him as he struggled to get free. He even phoned me asking what to do, which was brilliant.





Donger said:


> *That's the one! Give him his award now*.



I'm tempted to agree, but don't you think to take the crown, it has to be a_* personal*_ admission of such stupendous twonkness (which this friend's escapade most certainly is) that the person admitting it will also have to deal with the image of us all collectively clasping a hand to our mouths while uttering the words 'Oh, dear God. I am so blessed to have been alive on this planet while this twonk also roamed the place'?


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## Profpointy (29 Jul 2014)

How about picking up a brand new Condor fixie from their shop in central London and riding it back to my car in Ealing. Never ridden in London before, and only ever had one go on a fixie some 35 years previously in a quiet West Wales town. Nearly fell off forgetting to pedal when turning into the Strand - but got away with it and gained confidence. By the time I got back to Ealing, I was ready to try a track stand at the traffic lights.....

.... you can fill in the rest.


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## up hill struggle (29 Jul 2014)

replaced mountain bike tyres, fitted the new slicks to the bike stood back to admire my work, found the tyres were fitted with direction of travel to the rear & not the front, removed rims, removed tyres, refit tyres & rims & stand back to admire work for a second time & find ive just fitted tyres back to front for the second time. Finally got it right 3rd time round.


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## SatNavSaysStraightOn (29 Jul 2014)

up hill struggle said:


> replaced mountain bike tyres, fitted the new slicks to the bike stood back to admire my work, found the tyres were fitted with direction of travel to the rear & not the front, removed rims, removed tyres, refit tyres & rims & stand back to admire work for a second time & find ive just fitted tyres back to front for the second time. Finally got it right 3rd time round.


so which way does the arrow point when it is at the top of the wheel (12 oclock).


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## TheDoctor (29 Jul 2014)

My particular ones have included :-
Fitting the entire transmission the wrong way round, so the chain-wheel and chain were on the left hand side of the bike. Looks like it should work, doesn't.
Sticking my tongue to a bottle of frozen vodka. Ouch.
Cycling home in a state of overwhelming refreshment, I almost got knocked off by an ambulance.
I think I should stop now...


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## AndyRM (29 Jul 2014)

TheDoctor said:


> My particular ones have included :-
> Fitting the entire transmission the wrong way round, so the chain-wheel and chain were on the left hand side of the bike. Looks like it should work, doesn't.



How far did you get before the whole thing un-threaded and fell into the road?


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## alans (29 Jul 2014)

kevin_cambs_uk said:


> How about forgetting said bike is on the roof and going into a ground level multi story...
> 
> Bike was just ripped off the roof ! Luckily there was no one behind me !!!



I've done the same but on a car park with height restriction bars.

There were extenuating circumstances.Someone else drove the car into the car park fitted the bike to the roof bars & drove out of the car park;minus my Dawes Sardar.


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## up hill struggle (29 Jul 2014)

when i was 16 my mate & i called into a business that had contacted our school asking if any pupils would interested in doing an apprenticeship fitting compressors & pipework in businesses across northern ireland.

now i had no interest in doing that kind of work but only went for moral support for my mate. While we were there i somehow got talked into joining my mate for a 2 week trial, told one of us would get the job and one would be paid & let go at the end of the 2 weeks, i agreed thinking 2 weeks wages would be handy, it became obvious that i was better suited to the work than my mate & on the final day we were both called into the office my mate was paid i was given the job. They asked if we would mind changing the oil on the bosses wife car & cleaning it out inside as they were going away for the weekend, i changed the oil & my mate started cleaning inside the car & was doing a bad job of it so we swapped & i finished cleaning inside after i filled the engine with oil & we both went home happy since he got paid & i got a job.

Monday morning my new boss was in rotten form when he arrived at work cursing & swearing all over the place after 10 minutes i was informed that my mate although by this time he was being referred to the f###ing idiot had drained the the engine oil & then put the new engine oil into the gear box. The boss managed to get 50 miles into there trip on Friday after work before the engine seized & the whole engine was wrecked, boss had looked out the window on Friday & saw me vacuuming inside the car & blamed my mate for draining & then refilling the oil wrecking the engine. I never did own up to that, however did tell my mate if he ever saw my boss coming towards him in the shops or garage that it was be best if he did a vanishing act.


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## RhythMick (29 Jul 2014)

up hill struggle said:


> when i was 16 my mate & i called into a business that had contacted our school asking if any pupils would interested in doing an apprenticeship fitting compressors & pipework in businesses across northern ireland.
> 
> now i had no interest in doing that kind of work but only went for moral support for my mate. While we were there i somehow got talked into joining my mate for a 2 week trial, told one of us would get the job and one would be paid & let go at the end of the 2 weeks, i agreed thinking 2 weeks wages would be handy, it became obvious that i was better suited to the work than my mate & on the final day we were both called into the office my mate was paid i was given the job. They asked if we would mind changing the oil on the bosses wife car & cleaning it out inside as they were going away for the weekend, i changed the oil & my mate started cleaning inside the car & was doing a bad job of it so we swapped & i finished cleaning inside after i filled the engine with oil & we both went home happy since he got paid & i got a job.
> 
> Monday morning my new boss was in rotten form when he arrived at work cursing & swearing all over the place after 10 minutes i was informed that my mate although by this time he was being referred to the f###ing idiot had drained the the engine oil & then put the new engine oil into the gear box. The boss managed to get 50 miles into there trip on Friday after work before the engine seized & the whole engine was wrecked, boss had looked out the window on Friday & saw me vacuuming inside the car & blamed my mate for draining & then refilling the oil wrecking the engine. I never did own up to that, however did tell my mate if he ever saw my boss coming towards him in the shops or garage that it was be best if he did a vanishing act.


That's surely a Simon Mayo confession if ever I heard one


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## Andrew_Culture (29 Jul 2014)

PaulSecteur said:


> Is that second one a Grifter?
> 
> Ive never known anyone bend one of those pig iron beasts!



Ha, I know! Falling off that bike was like getting trapped under a motorbike!


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## Andrew_Culture (29 Jul 2014)

up hill struggle said:


> replaced mountain bike tyres, fitted the new slicks to the bike stood back to admire my work, found the tyres were fitted with direction of travel to the rear & not the front, removed rims, removed tyres, refit tyres & rims & stand back to admire work for a second time & find ive just fitted tyres back to front for the second time. Finally got it right 3rd time round.



I put slicks on my MTB then went out in the rain. It was a harshly fast way to find out that while my body might wish to take the corner the bike preferred to go it's own way.


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## Profpointy (29 Jul 2014)

Andrew_Culture said:


> I put slicks on my MTB then went out in the rain. It was a harshly fast way to find out that while my body might wish to take the corner the bike preferred to go it's own way.




On grass or mud, fair enough, but if it was on road, then you fell off through going too fast in the rain - knobblies would have been just as bad (or worse).
(sorry to derail the thread with details)


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## up hill struggle (29 Jul 2014)

RhythMick said:


> That's surely a Simon Mayo confession if ever I heard one


 
lol, the music from the show just fits that story perfectly,

funny thing looking back on it was that on the Monday morning when my boss told me what f##k wit did my internal screams of nobility & wanting to defend my best friend did make me blurt out the words,

no, he didn't!
the boss looked at me, shook his head & said,
yeah, he did! As if he couldn't believe it either.

by then the screams of nobility had been replaced with screams of self preservation that where now telling me to shut up and don't say anything else & that I had got away with it.

my mate & i have had a laugh over that everytime we've got together for a drink.


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## Claudia (29 Jul 2014)

Well... Me, clever as ever, after travelling to France with my bike 'broken' in a box, thought I was good enough to put it back together by myself. I was! Phew! Only when I was hitting 52kph down the hill, I though my handlebar wasn't quite straight. Kept looking at it, it kept going left, the wheel going right... Hmm... Stopped to see what was wrong with the damn thing - nothing! Just I forgot to tighten ALL the screws! Putting it back on isn't quite enough...  It could have gone so wrong. Guess I'm a lucky clumsy.


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## Profpointy (29 Jul 2014)

Claudia said:


> Well... Me, clever as ever, after travelling to France with my bike 'broken' in a box, thought I was good enough to put it back together by myself. I was! Phew! Only when I was hitting 52kph down the hill, I though my handlebar wasn't quite straight. Kept looking at it, it kept going left, the wheel going right... Hmm... Stopped to see what was wrong with the damn thing - nothing! Just I forgot to tighten ALL the screws! Putting it back on isn't quite enough...  It could have gone so wrong. Guess I'm a lucky clumsy.



I've done that with car wheel nuts once. Just nipped them up meaning to get the big spanner to do 'em up tight.
Off to work next morning; mm, something not quite right - all a bit loose again - but no tools. Had to do 'em up with my fingers - drive on a bit, repeat. A bit wobbly - only 50 yards to go, I'll make it - wheel finally dropped off turning into works car park (didn't fall right off, but the hub landed in the dish of the wheel.) Found all four nuts on the floor - and borrowed a proper spanner - all's well that ends well.


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## Scoosh (29 Jul 2014)

MOD NOTE:
Let's keep them to cycling twonkery, please - they are so much better !


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## Andrew_Culture (30 Jul 2014)

Claudia said:


> Well... Me, clever as ever, after travelling to France with my bike 'broken' in a box, thought I was good enough to put it back together by myself. I was! Phew! Only when I was hitting 52kph down the hill, I though my handlebar wasn't quite straight. Kept looking at it, it kept going left, the wheel going right... Hmm... Stopped to see what was wrong with the damn thing - nothing! Just I forgot to tighten ALL the screws! Putting it back on isn't quite enough...  It could have gone so wrong. Guess I'm a lucky clumsy.



I'd forgotten this, but I made a shim out of a Guinness can and found out it was no good when cornering up a hill at speed. Or should that be 'attempting to corner'.


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## Profpointy (30 Jul 2014)

Andrew_Culture said:


> I'd forgotten this, but I made a shim out of a Guinness can and found out it was no good when cornering up a hill at speed. Or should that be 'attempting to corner'.



Actually there's nothing wrong with Guiness can as shim material. I think the great Robert Pirsig himself said it was the best shim material in the world - long time since I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - a great book by the way


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## CopperCyclist (30 Jul 2014)

OK, I have one, but it really was a friend. So good though that I have to share, but so bad that I definitely won't name names! 

So, I'm part of a charity ride, that like many others, decide that is a plan to travel by cycle to Paris. All has gone well and at the start of day three we have all just got off the ferry. The organisers have decided that for safety reasons, they didn't want us cycling off the boat competing with the lorries and such, so the support vehicles carry us and the bikes about two miles inland then pull up and start getting all the bikes off. 

One of the ladies with us has realized that she needs the toilet. Whilst she didn't divulge it at the time of course, she required a 'number two'. Luckily, on looking around, she notices we have seemed to stop in an area with a number of hotels serving the port, so while everyone is getting ready, she runs off to use their facilities. She finds a suitable venue, heads in, and quickly locates a downstairs toilet in the reception area. She gratefully partakes of the facilities, and comes out to see a shocked French family, including children at open-mouthed at their breakfast table staring at her. It's only at this point she realizes that she hasn't entered one of the hotels, but instead a rather posh private residence. She can do nothing but stammer "oh sorry... Thanks... Merci... Sorry" and run out. Her bike was ready when she got to the van, and everyone found it strange at the time the way she went off like a shot that day...


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## jack smith (30 Jul 2014)

undid the qr's on my s works to clean them and balanced them back on while i went to grab a towel i totally forgot what i was doing and i took it out on a test spin, theres a speedbump out side my house and the wheels somehow fell off when i bounced over it.... no idea how!


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## Fiona R (30 Jul 2014)

5 days and 94 gems of twonkish behaviour, priceless. My laughter is silent, I can't breathe and tears are streaming down my face and I have only read page 1!


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## Ganymede (30 Jul 2014)

Cranky Knee Girl said:


> 5 days and 94 gems of twonkish behaviour, priceless. My laughter is silent, I can't breathe and tears are streaming down my face and I have only read page 1!


I call it the thread that keeps on giving


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## Jon George (31 Jul 2014)

Cranky Knee Girl said:


> 5 days and 94 gems of twonkish behaviour, priceless. My laughter is silent, I can't breathe and tears are streaming down my face and I have only read page 1!


When I put up the original post, I stated that I could weep at my own stupidity. I was immediately outclassed. I have been convulsed by the various admissions, and yes, genuine tears of laughter have been shed by me in the last few days. The thing that has genuinely impressed me has been the unashamed delight people have taken in their own self-deprecation. I thought I was a rare breed in doing the same, but perhaps it goes with the territory of being a cyclist. Or perhaps just being human and having a sense of humour.


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## September (31 Jul 2014)

I forgot to keep my crank arm up when taking a small roundabout at 20mph and nearly got bounced off my bike. It's a silly nooby mistake, I can accept that, but...

... I did it again 3 minutes later when taking a left hand turn. The back wheel came off the floor, I lost control, veered onto the wrong side of the road and nearly hit an oncoming taxi. He wasn't happy, let's leave it at that.

Very, very very stupid, selfish, dangerous and embarrassing. Needless to say - a lesson learned.


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## Longshot (31 Jul 2014)

Sorry, another cleat moment but it's the setting that makes it special.

Locally to us we have the old Brooklands race track. They've turned part of the old land in the middle into a play area and bike track amongst other things. It's hugely popular and is full of little kids learning to ride, skateboard, etc. We were taking our boys down there one Sunday and, due to the fact I had little free time, suggested I'd cycle down there myself and meet up with them.

All was well. I met the wife and kids at the [very crowded] bike track, already feeling a little out of place in full lycra. I was quite easy to see, being the tallest cyclist there by an order of three feet. As I was chatting to my wife, sitting on the bike with one foot on a pedal, you know what happened next don't you?

Mortifying!


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## Flying_Monkey (31 Jul 2014)

I worked at a pub for a while that was a short ride to my folks' place along country lanes. Coming back after closing time, it was a real pleasure to cycle back under the most beautiful night skies. One night however I was so entranced looking up at the Milky Way that I cycled straight off the road. I don't know quite what happened but I woke up, relatively unharmed, inside a hawthorne hedge, which took me about half an hour to get out of, with numerous scratches, before I could retrieve the bike and be on my way. In the morning, it looked like I'd been attacked by a gang of cats...


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## Rickshaw Phil (31 Jul 2014)

I'm sure no one would do this  , but don't inadvertently fit the octalink adaptor to your crank puller when trying to remove a square taper crank. "Crikey, this is bloody tight"......."Oh, all the threads are coming out in a little coil." 

Out on the road: A steep downhill, a road covered in compacted snow, a bend coming up - what could possibly go wrong? Ending up lying in the ditch still holding onto the bike while my lights continue skittering along the ice, that's what.


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## Stonechat (31 Jul 2014)

When I was a lad I fancied trying to ride my bike with my hands crossed over
Seems my brain could not the reversal and ended up with scraped elbow


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## Bollo (31 Jul 2014)

Internal dialog on yesterdays ride - about 8% up, so not going fast.....

"Look at that little chunk of branch on the road 20 yards ahead. Glad I spotted that - could cause a nasty p******. I'll just move to the right....hmm pothole....move to left.....to right...." 
pssssssssssssssssssssss. 
"F***!"


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## CopperCyclist (31 Jul 2014)

Stonechat said:


> When I was a lad I fancied trying to ride my bike with my hands crossed over
> Seems my brain could not the reversal and ended up with scraped elbow


Oh ****.... 
Has anyone else just thought 'I have to try that and see' even knowing now the inevitable result. Damn you...


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## up hill struggle (31 Jul 2014)

SatNavSaysStraightOn said:


> so which way does the arrow point when it is at the top of the wheel (12 oclock).


 

makes no difference now which way the arrows point, the tyres are on top of a kitchen unit & after i returned the bike for a refund, got a bike now instead of a bso & tyres don't fit the new bike


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## _aD (31 Jul 2014)

Did someone mention that they failed to keep a crank arm up?

The dialogue:
aD: I will meet you after the hair-pin bend, I'm going to wing it down this little section of off-road.
Attorney: Righto!
_20 seconds pass_
aD->Self: That's a rather large tree root
Self->aD: Why are we upside down?
_Another 20 seconds pass_
Attorney: Where the heck did you _go?_ That track is 300 yards long if that!
aD: Don't look at my leg. Or my chain ring. Let's just go.
_I take the lead and continue down the straight road._
Attorney: What the...oh my god it's HORRIBLE! I can't look at it! _Make it go away._
aD: I SAID DON'T LOOK
Attorney: I can't help but watch, it's sickening. Get behind me, I can't stand it!


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## September (31 Jul 2014)

_aD said:


> aD: Don't look at my leg. Or my chain ring. Let's just go.


What happened to your leg?! That's a pretty bonkers bend in your chain ring!...


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## _aD (31 Jul 2014)

It was one of those misadventures where one's pride is harmed far worse than body. I had a big enough cut to make it look like I'd fallen off. Thankfully, I was only doing walking pace when the chain ring dug into the root and catapulted me.


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## September (31 Jul 2014)

Blimey - sounds like you got off lightly mate. That really does look like it took some effort!


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## mysticmeg (31 Jul 2014)

Lovely off road flat meandering cycle track along old disused canal, France I think it was, nice but not wide enough to cycle side by side. Fully laden tourers. A problem with mine - twig wedged in between wheel and mudguard so I yell for him to wait up , I sort it out realising at the same time my brakes are so loose they wouldnt stop a small child let alone a fat middle aged cyclist on a heavily laden bike. I look up and realise he hadn't heard me and was now way way in front, next county in front. So I put the hammer down to catch him up and as I get closer start to yell wait , slow up, wait. Unfortunately by the time he hears or just realises he is on his own and puts on his rather more effective brakes I have no chance of stopping and all I can do is aim to try and pass him. My panniers clip his, the bike stops and I fly gracefully into the air and land head down in the reeds which now fill the canal or stream wedged in so that I can do is wave my legs in the air til he pulls me out laughing fit to bust. 

Or the stretch in ireland where we had taken off the helmets as it was a safe quiet road, got too close to each other and ended up with the helmet idly hung on one bike handlebar hooking the other one and bringing us both painfully to the ground.


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## Ganymede (31 Jul 2014)

mysticmeg said:


> Lovely off road flat meandering cycle track along old disused canal, France I think it was, nice but not wide enough to cycle side by side. Fully laden tourers. A problem with mine - twig wedged in between wheel and mudguard so I yell for him to wait up , I sort it out realising at the same time my brakes are so loose they wouldnt stop a small child let alone a fat middle aged cyclist on a heavily laden bike. I look up and realise he hadn't heard me and was now way way in front, next county in front. So I put the hammer down to catch him up and as I get closer start to yell wait , slow up, wait. Unfortunately by the time he hears or just realises he is on his own and puts on his rather more effective brakes I have no chance of stopping and all I can do is aim to try and pass him. My panniers clip his, the bike stops and I fly gracefully into the air and land head down in the reeds which now fill the canal or stream wedged in so that I can do is wave my legs in the air til he pulls me out laughing fit to bust.
> 
> Or the stretch in ireland where we had taken off the helmets as it was a safe quiet road, got too close to each other and ended up with the helmet idly hung on one bike handlebar hooking the other one and bringing us both painfully to the ground.


Epically ironic, both of them


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## paddy01 (31 Jul 2014)

As a child, don't push your younger brother off his bike on cobbles so that he lands and splits his elbow open like a chicken fillet... your mum will go absolutely bursar.


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## paddy01 (31 Jul 2014)

CopperCyclist said:


> Oh ****....
> Has anyone else just thought 'I have to try that and see' even knowing now the inevitable result. Damn you...



Been there, done that, had the butterfly stitches in the chin. I could ride with hands crossed over more or less, hopping up a curb proved to be the limit of my abilities...


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## slowwww (1 Aug 2014)

2 instances of genius childhood bike maintenance about 35 years ago, both brake related.

Firstly replacing the very worn brake blocks, the type where you slid replacement rubber blocks into the rectangular housing which was open at one end to facilitate removal and replacement. And then fitting them on the wrong side. Feeling rather proud of my efforts until I got to the bottom of the rather steep hill followed immediately by the sharp right hand turn, yanked on the anchors, and fired the brake blocks out of the housings like 2 rubber exocets. Bike ends up saddle-deep in the hedge and I sail over it into the garden beyond

I think this was after the above, but I had a very cheapo bike where I had to keep constantly cleaning the rims to prevent them pitting. Genius thought occurred that a liberal coating of Vaseline would protect them from water and dirt ingress thus making this task less frequent, but I quickly bored of this task and became rather slap-dash. I only found out that rather a lot of Vaseline had got onto the braking surface shortly before I found myself in A&E having what felt like a cubic metre of asphalt removed from my legs, arms, torso, cheek, etc.

I didn’t do much of my own maintenance after that.........


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## cosmicbike (1 Aug 2014)

As a bold 7 year old with a chopper-esq bike, I felt the need to pull big endo's, normally resulting in me going over handlebars and gaining some nice big 'egg' bruises to one's swede. 
Also felt that half a scaffold board resting on 3 bricks stacked end to end was a stable ramp. I discovered not after hitting the ramp at speed, followed by my chin hitting the concrete driveway, also at speed, where it gained the look of a squashed tomato. Friends parents being helpful put a few plasters on it, oh how it hurt when the A&E nurse removed them later, replacing them with 10 stitches. Still got the scar today..


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## EltonFrog (1 Aug 2014)

1970, 12/13 years old I was cycling from Paddington to Willesden junction one sunny evening on the way back from my after school job, the traffic was flowing and this being a ride I did every day I had the cocky confidence of youth, I knew the timing of the lights, I knew the road, I was using "The Force" before anyone knew what it was, it was a ride I often tried to do without touching the handlebars all the way home, about 4 miles.

I was riding along what was then the A40 Harrow Road, the Ford Escort wasn't going very fast I thought for a split moment, then in that same moment I realised it wasn't moving at all. Me, and my shiny new Dawes Kingpin smashed in to the rear of the shiney new Ford Escort. As I was disengaging myself and dusting myself down the owner of the Escort came running out of the Wimpey, speaking to me in a manner that I'm sure would be inappropriate for a teenagers ears in 1970, checked his car over and told me to piss off. He didn't seem at all concerned for my well being. Oh well, that was 70's I guess. Did feel a bit stupid, and my dynamo light got bent, but thats all.

I've never told anyone of this until today. My mother would've gone apeshit if I had told her.

That Dawes Kingpin and I had a lot of adventures.


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## Longshot (1 Aug 2014)

I've just remembered one from riding to school at the age of about 14. The mudguard over my front wheel was rubbing the wheel and making a noise. This made me cross. I decided that the most appropriate course of remedial work would be to kick the mudguard whilst cycling along. Oops. 

Still, I got a 5.9 from the Romanian Judge for artistic effort which was nice.


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## Oldbloke (1 Aug 2014)

In my late teens (1960,s) was commuting into London by train, got back to the station at midnight in a " tired and emotional" state, didn't fancy the 2 miles walk home so "borrowed until morning" an old clunker left in the bike shed.

Shot off along the road, tried to freewheel up to first junction and was launched into space followed by nose diving into tarmac..my introduction to fixies.


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## Profpointy (1 Aug 2014)

Oldbloke said:


> In my late teens (1960,s) was commuting into London by train, got back to the station at midnight in a " tired and emotional" state, didn't fancy the 2 miles walk home so "borrowed until morning" an old clunker left in the bike shed.
> 
> Shot off along the road, tried to freewheel up to first junction and was launched into space followed by nose diving into tarmac..my introduction to fixies.



A mate of mine had a fixie which he never bothered to lock. Went out one morning - no bike - found it in the hedge at the first corner. It had toe clips which might have contributed.

Different bike though - this was in Aberystwyth


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## Profpointy (1 Aug 2014)

I have posted this before in another thread but as it might be a contender thought worth a repeat.

Reassembling my bike after a strip down - something didn't look quite right. Was about to put the wheels back - ah - forks on upside down !

Beat that Toys-r-us - forks on backwards is almost rideable


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## September (1 Aug 2014)

Going back to childhood, I remember when I was really young (about 10ish), trying to impress some girls by going no-handed.

_Litterally_ fell on my face.


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## dan_bo (1 Aug 2014)

Rode to work without my trousers this morning. Ho hum.


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## cosmicbike (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> Rode to work without my trousers this morning. Ho hum.


Without them on, or just without them. The first I'd have expected you to notice..


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## dan_bo (1 Aug 2014)

cosmicbike said:


> Without them on, or just without them. The first I'd have expected you to notice..



Without them to wear after I arrived at work. 

Waiting for the missus to (very kindly) drop them off. Sat here in me spandex..........


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## cosmicbike (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> Without them to wear after I arrived at work.
> 
> Waiting for the missus to (very kindly) drop them off. Sat here in me spandex..........


Ah yes, the feeling of being sat in the office in my lycra, the girls all loved it....


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## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> Rode to work without my trousers this morning. Ho hum.



I have ridden in on numerous occasions without shirts and trousers. It's very annoying, but fortunately my tailor George is close at hand for all my needs.


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## dan_bo (1 Aug 2014)

cosmicbike said:


> Ah yes, the feeling of being sat in the office in my lycra, the girls all loved it....



I'm getting mentally undressed by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.


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## cosmicbike (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> I'm getting mentally undressed by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.


The mental image
Made my day


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## September (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> I'm getting mentally undressed by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.


You should do some thrusts under the guise of stretches.... Preferably in their direction.


----------



## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)

September said:


> You should do some thrusts under the guise of stretches.... Preferably in their direction.



Lunges are also good.


----------



## cosmicbike (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> I'm getting mentally undressed by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.





September said:


> You should do some thrusts under the guise of stretches.... Preferably in their direction.





AndyRM said:


> Lunges are also good.



Please stop, it's hurting now...


----------



## EltonFrog (1 Aug 2014)

Oldbloke said:


> In my late teens (1960,s) was commuting into London by train, got back to the station at midnight in a " tired and emotional" state, didn't fancy the 2 miles walk home so "borrowed until morning" an old clunker left in the bike shed.
> 
> Shot off along the road, tried to freewheel up to first junction and was launched into space followed by nose diving into tarmac..my introduction to fixies.



Brilliant.


----------



## Ganymede (1 Aug 2014)

AndyRM said:


> Lunges are also good.


A little yoga? A long-held "downward-facing dog" will make you the toast of the office...


----------



## dan_bo (1 Aug 2014)

September said:


> You should do some thrusts under the guise of stretches.... Preferably in their direction.


----------



## DCLane (1 Aug 2014)

Stonechat said:


> When I was a lad I fancied trying to ride my bike with my hands crossed over
> Seems my brain could not the reversal and ended up with scraped elbow


 


CopperCyclist said:


> Oh ****....
> Has anyone else just thought 'I have to try that and see' even knowing now the inevitable result. Damn you...


 
Yes 

@Stonechat - where do I send the doctor's note, prescription and bill for repairs?


----------



## _aD (1 Aug 2014)

Profpointy said:


> Was about to put the wheels back - ah - forks on upside down !



How....didy...wha...how is that...?


----------



## w00hoo_kent (1 Aug 2014)

CarlP said:


> Me, and my shiny new Dawes Kingpin smashed in to the rear of the shiney new Ford Escort.



A friend did that in the 80's down Chatham Hill, only he went through the back window and ended up on the rear seat. Not sure who covered costs...


----------



## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)

_aD said:


> How....didy...wha...how is that...?


----------



## Dogtrousers (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> I'm getting mentally undressed by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.


 Do they look like Wilfrid Brambell and Sid James respectively?


----------



## up hill struggle (1 Aug 2014)

so what those posts have inadvertently proved is if you want to help reduce the chances of your bike being stolen & be more likely to find it close by if it is nicked then convert to a fixie


----------



## dan_bo (1 Aug 2014)

Dogtrousers said:


> Do they look like Wilfrid Brambell and Sid James respectively?


----------



## up hill struggle (1 Aug 2014)

i pinched my brothers mountain bike on day in my final year of school after missing the school bus & as i raced across the playing field approaching the schools greenhouse desperately trying not to be late for an exam i was confronted with the schools smokers having a quick puff before class, on went the anchors, back of the bike locked up & slide to the left, clipped the kurb stones that lined the path to the playing fields. I somehow flipped right over sideways & landed on my feet just in front of heather the i wanted to bone i mean had a crush on the whole way through school.

apparently it looked amazing & if i had thrown my arms in the air and finished with "ta da" it would have almost seemed planned. But in all honesty i was s##ting myself & all i could think was don't go through the greenhouse glass, hit the wall or the people just don't go through the greenhouse glass.

was more dumb luck than skill that i even landed on my feet & not my ass.


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## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)

up hill struggle said:


> i pinched my brothers mountain bike on day in my final year of school after missing the school bus & as i raced across the playing field approaching the schools greenhouse desperately trying not to be late for an exam i was confronted with the schools smokers having a quick puff before class, on went the anchors, back of the bike locked up & slide to the left, clipped the kurb stones that lined the path to the playing fields. I somehow flipped right over sideways & landed on my feet just in front of heather the i wanted to bone i mean had a crush on the whole way through school.
> 
> apparently it looked amazing & if i had thrown my arms in the air and finished with "ta da" it would have almost seemed planned. But in all honesty i was s##ting myself & all i could think was don't go through the greenhouse glass, hit the wall or the people just don't go through the greenhouse glass.
> 
> was more dumb luck than skill that i even landed on my feet & not my ass.



Very good, but how did you get on with Heather?


----------



## turbopercy (1 Aug 2014)

Cycling to school with two mates in freezing conditions all the roads to school.had been gritted

Getting closer to.school and the was still gritted but the last hundred metres were only from the teachers cars so tried riding in the tyre tracks 

From behind i heard thud and " this is gonna hurt!!!!" 

With that my mate slid past me on his arse with his bike going past me on the other side i consequently fell off laughing and we ended up in a heap with our history teacher following us into school in an uncontrollable state of laughter


Same mate and riding home.from.school shouts to the group of girls how idolized him 
"Watch this" as we all know nothing ends well when these two words are said 
Needless to say the ice cream van man called him a multiple of expletives whilst wiping the tyre mark off the twister 99p sign


----------



## Profpointy (1 Aug 2014)

AndyRM said:


>



Ok - I'm probably going to regret asking - but I'm not seeing the point ?
(unless it's upside-down forks in the motorbike sense)


----------



## Profpointy (1 Aug 2014)

_aD said:


> How....didy...wha...how is that...?


 
i meant wheel where handlebars go - I'd adjusted the bearings and everything


----------



## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)

Profpointy said:


> Ok - I'm probably going to regret asking - but I'm not seeing the point ?
> (unless it's upside-down forks in the motorbike sense)



Afraid I don't know either as I don't go off-road. Hopefully there's a mountainbikerist who can explain as I can't think of any benefits.


----------



## tadpole (1 Aug 2014)

dan_bo said:


> I'm getting mentally *dresse*d by 76 year old John and 55 year old Paul. Count yourself lucky.


FTFU


----------



## Oldbloke (1 Aug 2014)

up hill struggle said:


> so what those posts have inadvertently proved is if you want to help reduce the chances of your bike being stolen & be more likely to find it close by if it is nicked then convert to a fixie


Oddly enough, I've been getting the taste for one lately...


----------



## up hill struggle (1 Aug 2014)

AndyRM said:


> Very good, but how did you get on with Heather?


 
well about 3 months after school ended we went out for 5-6 weeks & were getting on well, but everytime i kissed her all i could taste was cigarette smoke, kinda put me off her after a while. Weirdly a few weeks after breaking up with her, i started smoking.



Oldbloke said:


> Oddly enough, I've been getting the taste for one lately...


 
friend had one when i was young, i had a ride but not keen on no being able to free wheel down hills. Got off before falling off.


----------



## Joey Shabadoo (1 Aug 2014)

Those two answers are oddly interchangeable


----------



## AndyRM (1 Aug 2014)




----------



## Eribiste (1 Aug 2014)

I've ridden through three fords, and fallen off in the middle of each one. Do you think there's a lesson in there?

Some twonks never learn


----------



## _aD (1 Aug 2014)

Eribiste said:


> I've ridden through three fords, and fallen off in the middle of each one. Do you think there's a lesson in there?


I was once just outside of my usual jaunt and was navigating by OS map (This usually means I end up six Landranger maps away from where I think I am). I had spotted a ford on my route and mentally noted it as a waypoint.

15 minutes later I came to a ford and thought "Christ, were did that come from‽". I discount this tale from the TOTY award as I didn't fall off, crash into a badger or find myself inexplicably latched to the pedals.


----------



## EltonFrog (1 Aug 2014)

Last summer whilst out on a training ride for the Ride 100, I and stopped at a local shop at about 75 miles for some food, the sun was out but the shop was dark and I removed my sunglasses, and put on my reading glasses so I could read what I was buying. I made my choices, paid for my food and went and sat outside with my bike and ate my grub, drank a drink and had rest before I went on my way. Suitably rested I disposed of my rubbish, got back on the bike, put my helmet back on and just before setting off I went to retrieve my sunglasses from my jersey pocket. They were not there, bugger, I went to where I was sitting, not there, I looked on top of the post box where my bike had been leaning, not there, I went back into the shop and asked the shopkeepers if they'd seen them, they had not, I looked around the shop, nothing. A customer said to me, "what are you looking for?", "my sunglasses" says I. She looked at me with a big smile and said " they are stuck in your helmet at the top" D'oh! 

Ten minutes I spent looking for them.


----------



## Scoosh (1 Aug 2014)

CarlP said:


> Last summer .....
> 
> Ten minutes I spent looking for them.


----------



## Jon George (1 Aug 2014)

Eribiste said:


> I've ridden through three fords, and fallen off in the middle of each one. Do you think there's a lesson in there?



Fool me once: shame on you.
Fool me twice: shame on me.
Fool me thrice: shame on us both.

Oh, sorry - had a few drinks - you're talking about something else, aren't you?


----------



## Black Country Ste (4 Aug 2014)

RhythMick said:


> I've lost count of my own stupid acts, but I'd vote for the guy who tried to inflate his inner tube to 100psi without the tyre around it. I forget how far he got before it went bang.



This?



Black Country Ste said:


> When trying out your new pump it's good to know that the tube needs to be encased within a tyre in order to hold enough pressure for the gauge to give a reading...


----------



## Jon George (4 Aug 2014)

Jon George said:


> Honestly, there are times I could weep at my stupidity.



And the pain continues: just over a week has passed since I admitted my - albeit apparently minor act when compared to the gems which followed - incident of twonkness, but I am _*still*_ discovering road signs that I used to think were bizarrely-placed cycling-prohibited signs and recalling the twinge of guilt as I ignored them. I can't claim the jersey, but I think there should be a badge involved.


----------



## Donger (4 Aug 2014)

OK, as this is my 500th post, I'll come clean again. I did a ride from Gloucester a couple of years back with the express purpose of crossing the Severn Bridge at Chepstow and looping back home on the other side of the Severn. That beast of a hill on the way up out of Chepstow nearly did for me, but I got up it in one go for the very first time. A hundred yards or so later, still a couple of miles short of the bridge, I pulled up and asked a passing old lady for directions to Alveston. She thought for a moment and said "Isn't that in England? Shouldn't you be going over the bridge first?"

To this day I have no idea why I didn't notice that I hadn't yet gone over that huge metal thing spanning the biggest estuary in Britain. I even had a map right in front of me on a bar-mounted holder .... and there was a huge road sign slap bang in front of me indicating the M48 Severn Bridge was straight on..... and I already knew the way there, having done it twice before .... and why did I latch onto a tiny village near Thornbury to ask about anyway? I can only assume I was close to passing out from the rigours of the climb and was talking complete blackout bollox.


----------



## Dayvo (4 Aug 2014)

A few summers ago, I was in a hurry to leave home early for work and quickly packed my bag with the clothes needed for the homeward journey.

It was a bit chilly and absolutely hammering down, although the forecast for the afternoon was for *HOT* weather!  I wore rain trousers (with cycling pants) a jersey and rain jacket and set off in the deluge.

Come the afternoon, yes, it was *HOT* and I looked forward to the ride home.

Unfortunately I had packed up my leggings instead of my bib shorts and, not wanting to sweat to death, decided to wear the leggings with my underwear, thinking/hoping that they would stay up. 

Unfortunately they didn't, and, looking a bit like this (from the waist down), got a lot of laughs and whistles.


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## Headgardener (6 Aug 2014)

I have two tales of twonkish clipless moments.

The first was when I was cycling back from a BB Battilion cross country event and turned right at a crossroads not realizing the the road climbed uphill almost from the junction so changed down to what I thought was the middle chainring but was infact the small ring which the chain promtly fell off, rusult the bike and myself fell into the road right in front of two very pretty girls who were in the car behind. Lots of  and roadrash.

The second was on my way home from Church one Sunday. As I was following a car it slowed to turn into a carpark and I failed to unclip and put a foot down quick enough this time in front of one of the Church members. More and roadrash.


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## H Bomb (6 Aug 2014)

I learnt to ride as an adult - my friends did john o groats to lands end, and I said that if they did it i'd join them for the last day.

So duly went out and bought a shoddy £100 bike from Halfords (another lesson!) - didn't want to shell out an extra £25 for them to build it - thinking how hard can it be.

Built it with no problems went out and rode it round the park, got good enough to cycle on a few side roads etc, went out a couple of evenings each week, slowly improving each time - I was always bumping into the same dog walkers and cyclists and got chatting to some of them about learning to ride etc!

Came the day i put the bike in the back of the car drove down to Truro all ready for the days riding, got my bike out the car and my mates fell about in stitches because I had the forks on the wrong way round!!!

I'd been cycling this rubbish bike with forks back to front all round town and not one of the sods that saw me had the decency to tell me!!!!!

We put it right there and then and cycled off, only for me to massively undercook the first turn we did as i'd got used to hypersensitive steering!!!!!


learnt my lesson now and have a proper bike built by a proper bike shop!!


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## Scoosh (6 Aug 2014)

H Bomb said:


> ....... learnt my lesson now and have a proper bike built by a proper bike shop!!


The better lesson to have learned is how to do it right yourself, which will save you a small -> medium -> large fortune ... = N+1.

QED  !


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## summerdays (6 Aug 2014)

H Bomb said:


> I learnt to ride as an adult - my friends did john o groats to lands end, and I said that if they did it i'd join them for the last day.
> 
> So duly went out and bought a shoddy £100 bike from Halfords (another lesson!) - didn't want to shell out an extra £25 for them to build it - thinking how hard can it be.
> 
> ...


It's all right some retailers selling bikes have been known to do that themselves!


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## Squid lips (6 Aug 2014)

Remembered a rather painful experience from the early 80's .I was riding my dads Puch racer fitted with a dynamo light system with a dodgy wire on rear light ,so had to keep stopping to wiggle the wire , after doing it several times got sick of stopping to sort it out .So brain of Britain here reached round and looked back to fix it again ,looked up just in time for my face to have an intimate moment with the boot of an Austin maxi ,cue squashed nose and two chipped teeth


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## Jon George (6 Aug 2014)

Squid lips said:


> So brain of Britain here reached round and looked back to fix it again



I think this deserves a Mention in Dispatches.


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## LesPaulStd91 (6 Aug 2014)

mid-80s in my early teens cycling to work, summer job, with my Wellingtons in a plastic bag dangling off the drop handlebars on one side. When riding upp a small hill, thankfully as it slowed me down, the toes of the boots dangled inbetween the spokes of my front wheel and hit the fork from behind resulting in a somersault across the handlebars.

and then, fairly recently, noticed, while riding, that the rubber casing around my left STI-lever had been pushed forward and the fit wasn't snug anymore and at the time it seemed a good idea to try and pull it back (doing 20-25 km/h); not entirely sure how I avoided crashing that time.


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## Black Country Ste (7 Aug 2014)

I offer a clipless fail from Monday night. After switching on my good light I noticed the beginnings of a spider web in my cables. Slowing down to look for the culprit but not quite stopping I unclipped my right foot to put it down. My bars lurched to the left. Timber.

Oh look. There's video. [NSFW - language]


----------



## Matthames (7 Aug 2014)

Donger said:


> That beast of a hill on the way up out of Chepstow nearly did for me, but I got up it in one go for the very first time. A hundred yards or so later, still a couple of miles short of the bridge, I pulled up and asked a passing old lady for directions to Alveston. She thought for a moment and said "Isn't that in England? Shouldn't you be going over the bridge first?"



This reminds me of the time I was staying at a campsite near Chepstow. This campsite was up the top of the hill which was on the way to Coleford. I rode the 5 miles down hill to Chepstow to get some food supplies; however for some reason I had left both my wallet and keys for my lock back in my tent, so had to cycle back up the hill to get both my keys and wallet and cycle back down to Chepstow.


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## Jon George (7 Aug 2014)

Black Country Ste said:


> Oh look. There's video



What makes this for me is - in between the what-swearing-was-invented-for response to the act of twonkness - is the plaintive 'Ow!'.


----------



## Ganymede (7 Aug 2014)

Black Country Ste said:


> I offer a clipless fail from Monday night. After switching on my good light I noticed the beginnings of a spider web in my cables. Slowing down to look for the culprit but not quite stopping I unclipped my right foot to put it down. My bars lurched to the left. Timber.
> 
> Oh look. There's video. [NSFW - language]



I felt I got to know you quite well watching that. Bless your heart and soul!


----------



## Glow worm (7 Aug 2014)

I replaced my gear shift levers and cables the other day.

Once completed, I decided a section of cable housing of the rear cable was slightly too long, so I removed it and cut it. Only then did I realise I'd managed to cut it with the new gear cable still inside it.!


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## glasgowcyclist (7 Aug 2014)

Squid lips said:


> ...,looked up just in time for my face to have an intimate moment with the boot of an Austin maxi ,...


 
That certainly explains the screen name...

GC


----------



## Sheffield_Tiger (7 Aug 2014)

My first attempt at cycle maintenance at the age of 14 having bought a 2nd hand bike in a lethally dangerous condition...

The first thing that happened was that the "expander bolt" (rather than quill) stem twisted and handlebars came off on a dual carriageway. Survived that somehow.

Bought a new stem and duly carried out the replacement. Taking the handlebar grips and brake levers off never occured to me, I prised the steel stem open and put the bars in, in the same manner as a modern front loader. With all the chrome split and peeling.

Of course, it was the fault of the "silly design" rather than me being a grade A plonker


I learned fast on that bike though, as it gradually fell apart I had to put it back together, once rigging up 2 Sturmey Archer 3 speed levers to homebrew an emergency AW 5-speed shifting system to get me home from a cycle camping holiday


----------



## Joey Shabadoo (8 Aug 2014)

I suspect I'm not the only one who popped a wheelie as a child, only to see their front wheel rolling on down the road without them. Good way to learn about tightening bolts properly.


----------



## Stonechat (8 Aug 2014)

swl said:


> I suspect I'm not the only one who popped a wheelie as a child, only to see their front wheel rolling on down the road without them. Good way to learn about tightening bolts properly.


Was driving down the A30 once and a lad did a wheelie while crossing the road and bike and wheel parted company
Stopped ok and he sheepishly gathered bike and wheel in a hurry


----------



## tyred (8 Aug 2014)

I've been enjoying my old Batavus a lot lately and have put a lot of miles up on it. It has a step through/lady's frame.

So when I went out last night on one of my other bikes, I went to stop at the roadside to take a photo, went to step off the bike, having got used to the step through Batavus, I forgot about the top-tube, somehow caught my foot on it while stepping off and after brief fight, bike and me fell into the ditch with all the grace and beauty of a 25 stone Ballerina.

Thankfully, it was a quiet road so I don't think anyone seen it


----------



## Di Di (8 Aug 2014)

Black Country Ste said:


> I offer a clipless fail from Monday night. After switching on my good light I noticed the beginnings of a spider web in my cables. Slowing down to look for the culprit but not quite stopping I unclipped my right foot to put it down. My bars lurched to the left. Timber.
> 
> Oh look. There's video. [NSFW - language]




"T*at"

PMSL


----------



## Mark White (8 Aug 2014)

You just reminded me of mine, at about the same age. 

I'd been getting around on an Enfield racer for a year or two and loved it. I'd even saved up paper round money and upgraded the back wheel to an alloy one, with a racing cassette on! I was taken to stay with my grandparents down in Devon for a couple of weeks and the wheels had been taken off, and the rear derailleur loosened, to fit the bike in the car boot. So on the first day there I put it back together, and used my grandad's long handled ratchet to tighten everything up, including the tiny bolt that did something between the derailleur and the derailleur hanger. And watched as it fell apart like a piece of plasticine. Still, should be okay...

Went out for a ride round the block, which included a decently steep hill, so I got out of the saddle and powered up it, to hear an awful noise come from the back of the bike as it ground to a halt. So the plasticine bolt was there to stop the derailleur from falling into the spokes, and this is exactly what it did without the bolt.

I took the back wheel to a repair shop who said it was beyond help. Can't remember what happened next, but seem to recall riding out to my uncle's farm at some point during the holiday (to help build a swimming pool, have a couple of pints with the men at the end of the day, then vomit moussaka all over the kitchen sink after drinking too much on an empty stomach, but that's a different sort of twonkiness altogether) so maybe my grandparents shelled out for a new back wheel for me, bless them 

Sadly, my mechanical sympathy has not improved with age and I still scuttle off to the LBS or garage whenever any vehicle needs fettling.


----------



## palinurus (9 Aug 2014)

Replacing both brake cables on a bike today.

Thinks: 'These cables are so long, have to cut so much off when fitting the front one. Should be shorter'

*starts threading rear cable*

'hang on…'


----------



## Piemaster (10 Aug 2014)

A couple of entries:
Clipless moment on holiday at Centre Parcs. Move over to let a couple of cyclists coming the other way pass and take the 90 degree corner, oops, bit too sharp and I'm now losing balance a bit as I'm almost stopped, just unclip and put foot down. Problem here is there is a small fence type rail at exactly the same height as my foot which I'm now very close to from avoiding the oncoming cyclists, which stops me twisting foot enough to unclip and I slowly roll over the rail and end up on my back, clipped in with the bike on top of me.

Coming back from a local farm with a tray of eggs in the basket on the rack I stopped because a leaf was stuck on the front wheel and making an annoying 'tick,tick tick'. HA! No trying to do it while moving and falling off for me, I'm no twonk.
Errr...instead what I'll do is forget the basket of eggs is there catch it swinging my leg over the back of the bike,fall over with the bike and several eggs all over the place and me while simultaneously trying to break my fall by putting my hand in a pile of dog shoot hidden in the long grass verge


----------



## Ganymede (10 Aug 2014)

Piemaster said:


> A couple of entries:
> Clipless moment on holiday at Centre Parcs. Move over to let a couple of cyclists coming the other way pass and take the 90 degree corner, oops, bit too sharp and I'm now losing balance a bit as I'm almost stopped, just unclip and put foot down. Problem here is there is a small fence type rail at exactly the same height as my foot which I'm now very close to from avoiding the oncoming cyclists, which stops me twisting foot enough to unclip and I slowly roll over the rail and end up on my back, clipped in with the bike on top of me.
> 
> Coming back from a local farm with a tray of eggs in the basket on the rack I stopped because a leaf was stuck on the front wheel and making an annoying 'tick,tick tick'. HA! No trying to do it while moving and falling off for me, I'm no twonk.
> Errr...instead what I'll do is forget the basket of eggs is there catch it swinging my leg over the back of the bike,fall over with the bike and several eggs all over the place and me while simultaneously trying to break my fall by putting my hand in a pile of dog **** hidden in the long grass verge


Epic.

Every time I click on this thread I feel a pleasurable thrill of anticipation. Does that make me a bad person?


----------



## glenn forger (10 Aug 2014)

palinurus said:


> Replacing both brake cables on a bike today.
> 
> Thinks: 'These cables are so long, have to cut so much off when fitting the front one. Should be shorter'
> 
> ...



Not bikes but my brother did similar, got a carpet he'd ordered delivered, unrolled it part way and carefully cut out the hearth shape and a diddly bit where the gas pipe goes, unrolled the carpet the whole way and, oh goddammit.


----------



## Profpointy (10 Aug 2014)

glenn forger said:


> Not bikes but my brother did similar, got a carpet he'd ordered delivered, unrolled it part way and carefully cut out the hearth shape and a diddly bit where the gas pipe goes, unrolled the carpet the whole way and, oh goddammit.



Done similar albeit less expensive -.that sick feeling you get 2 seconds later


----------



## turbopercy (10 Aug 2014)

Piemaster said:


> A couple of entries:
> Clipless moment on holiday at Centre Parcs. Move over to let a couple of cyclists coming the other way pass and take the 90 degree corner, oops, bit too sharp and I'm now losing balance a bit as I'm almost stopped, just unclip and put foot down. Problem here is there is a small fence type rail at exactly the same height as my foot which I'm now very close to from avoiding the oncoming cyclists, which stops me twisting foot enough to unclip and I slowly roll over the rail and end up on my back, clipped in with the bike on top of me.
> 
> Coming back from a local farm with a tray of eggs in the basket on the rack I stopped because a leaf was stuck on the front wheel and making an annoying 'tick,tick tick'. HA! No trying to do it while moving and falling off for me, I'm no twonk.
> Errr...instead what I'll do is forget the basket of eggs is there catch it swinging my leg over the back of the bike,fall over with the bike and several eggs all over the place and me while simultaneously trying to break my fall by putting my hand in a pile of dog **** hidden in the long grass verge


That was so funny i just sprayed the mouthful of hobgoblin all over my brother in law


----------



## frosti (10 Aug 2014)

Been on a road bike for 3 years. Bought a hybrid for 'family and friends' rides. Inflated wife's new bike and mine to 110psi. All tubes simultaneously exploded after 100 yards over a sharp bump. My mate from the military dived for the hedge and disappeared. All true.


----------



## Ganymede (10 Aug 2014)

frosti said:


> Been on a road bike for 3 years. Bought a hybrid for 'family and friends' rides. Inflated wife's new bike and mine to 110psi. All tubes simultaneously exploded after 100 yards over a sharp bump. My mate from the military dived for the hedge and disappeared. All true.


I can see that vividly in my mind's eye. Classic.


----------



## roadrash (10 Aug 2014)

> i just sprayed the mouthful of hobgoblin all over my brother in law



now theres a sentance i never thought i would see


----------



## EltonFrog (11 Aug 2014)

Gawd! This is a funny thread!

Here's something that happened to me in May, that I had forgotten about. 


View: http://youtu.be/Nv7NkquVqXk



Fast forward to 55 secs if you don't want to watch the whole thing.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Aug 2014)

At least it wasn't on a road bike !!!


----------



## Ganymede (11 Aug 2014)

CarlP said:


> Gawd! This is a funny thread!
> 
> Here's something that happened to me in May, that I had forgotten about.
> 
> ...






I love it when you look at the camera - almost like you're taking a bow!


----------



## glenn forger (11 Aug 2014)

CarlP said:


> Gawd! This is a funny thread!
> 
> Here's something that happened to me in May, that I had forgotten about.
> 
> ...




Ha ha! 


My favourite bit was when you fell over!


----------



## Joshua Plumtree (11 Aug 2014)

Ganymede said:


> I love it when you look at the camera - almost like you're taking a bow!



That's so funny! The thing is you can see what's gonna happen as soon as that flooded patch comes into view!


----------



## Oldbloke (11 Aug 2014)

One summer evening at dusk, I was riding my MTB along a path alongside a shallow stream about 2 metres below.

I was hurrying so instead of dismounting and walking around some tree roots which narrowed the path by half, I sped up and jumped them. Landed too close to the edge, front wheel caught, slid down the steep bank and flipped me on my back into deep smelly slimey mud. Naturally I broke the bike's fall in the most painful spot.

Had to hobble home covered in crap, my teenaged sons, outside with their mates, were horrified with embarassment at my arrival.


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## DooDah (13 Aug 2014)

I think I have posted this before but I think I did the most stupid thing this spring. I was re-fitting a loo for a client after finishing his tiling, and decided to take my bike in the van as well for a ride after work. Anyway, toilet fitted, I noticed a hole in the side of the bog where the cold feed could go if reversed. Normally there is a chrome coloured cap that just plugs in to make it neat, but I could not find it anywhere. Had a good look in the van and there it was on the floor. Took it to the loo, popped it in and said my goodbyes. Some hours later I took my bike out of the van and noticed that a bar end plug was missing.........................OMG I have put it in his bog (perfect fit though!)

Did not really want to phone the client to explain the situation though. To cut the story short, I then found the bog plug in my van. So he has a nice shiny Boardman end cap in his bog, and I have an old "Armitage Shanks" equivalent bog plug in my bike


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## roadrash (13 Aug 2014)

i take it the armitage shanks plug is a bog standard one


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## EltonFrog (13 Aug 2014)

DooDah said:


> I think I have posted this before but I think I did the most stupid thing this spring. I was re-fitting a loo for a client after finishing his tiling, and decided to take my bike in the van as well for a ride after work. Anyway, toilet fitted, I noticed a hole in the side of the bog where the cold feed could go if reversed. Normally there is a chrome coloured cap that just plugs in to make it neat, but I could not find it anywhere. Had a good look in the van and there it was on the floor. Took it to the loo, popped it in and said my goodbyes. Some hours later I took my bike out of the van and noticed that a bar end plug was missing.........................OMG I have put it in his bog (perfect fit though!)
> 
> Did not really want to phone the client to explain the situation though. To cut the story short, I then found the bog plug in my van. So he has a nice shiny Boardman end cap in his bog, and I have an old "Armitage Shanks" equivalent bog plug in my bike


Genius!


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## w00hoo_kent (13 Aug 2014)

I kept looking in front of me on the Ride London and thinking "there's that group all riding in bright yellow tops, I thought I'd caught them already." 

It took me far too long to realise most of the field was in yellow waterproofs.


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## Jon George (13 Aug 2014)

w00hoo_kent said:


> I kept looking in front of me on the Ride London and thinking "there's that group all riding in bright yellow tops, I thought I'd caught them already."
> 
> It took me far too long to realise most of the field was in yellow waterproofs.


This may be short, and sweet, but this encapsulates twonkness in a nuanced way some might miss. Chapeau! You should be proud, but then, that is not what being a twonk is all about.


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## up hill struggle (20 Aug 2014)

glenn forger said:


> Not bikes but my brother did similar, got a carpet he'd ordered delivered, unrolled it part way and carefully cut out the hearth shape and a diddly bit where the gas pipe goes, unrolled the carpet the whole way and, oh goddammit.



a similar carpet fitting twonk from my brother in law 10 years ago.

a few weeks before before the birth of their son my sister rang me & asked if I could help brian fit carpet to the nursery, only to happy to help I said yes & arranged to call passed the following day after work.

I arrived to help with the carpet, sister told me that although brian wanted the help, he also kinda liked the thought of doing it for himself which I could completely understand as it was their first child. she made a coffee for me & I joined brian in the back garden who was cutting the carpet to size before taking it to the room. I walked outside to find brian had unrolled the new carpet on the patio & had placed the old carpet on top of the new & was using it as a template to cut the new to the same shape that way we only needed to carry the new one inside set it down on the floor & trim to fit. I had used this method a few times to fit carpet myself & it worked well & I had given brian the idea a few weeks earlier when they called past my house & I was doing the same thing in the daughters nursery.

I did after about 30 seconds though point out that he had the old carpet upside down & the new carpet right way up & before he starts cutting we needed to turn it over so old & new carpet both faced up otherwise he would end up cutting the same shape but would be the wrong way round when he tried to put it in the room, "ah right" he said "I had put it that way so the dirt from underneath the old carpet didn't dirty the top of the new one".

then the colour started to drain from his face "I need to turn it before I cut it" he said, followed by, "ah f**k. ive just finished cutting it"

I started to snigger but did manage not to laugh as at this point he still hadn't fully grasped what I meant when I said both carpets need to face the same way, so I told him to help turn the old carpet the right way up. as soon as we did that he understood what I meant & as he stood there looking down at his handy work my sister brought the coffee out handed it to me & asked whats wrong I replied with theres been a cockup, she looked down saw that the cut outs for the door way & alcove where she had planned for the cot to go where on opposite sides on the carpet from were they needed to be, looked at brian & said "honestly brian how can somebody whos so smart be so stupid, you can be a right twat at times". at that point though I have admit that I did start laughing which kinda helped break the tension abit.

to be fair he is very,very smart but lacks common sense.


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## Scoosh (20 Aug 2014)

MOD NOTE 2 - The REPEAT
Please keep your posts to cycling twonkishness - our keyboards and brothers-in-law won't last the pace otherwise ! 

If you really want to open the doors to CC Twonkishness outside cycling, start another thread ... but .... you may need to put a 'Not Safe for Keyboards' cautionary note.


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## SatNavSaysStraightOn (20 Aug 2014)

Scoosh said:


> MOD NOTE 2 - The REPEAT
> Please keep your posts to cycling twonkishness - our keyboards and brothers-in-law won't last the pace otherwise !
> 
> If you really want to open the doors to CC Twonkishness outside cycling, start another thread ... but .... you may need to put a 'Not Safe for Keyboards' cautionary note.


I think there is already another non-cycling twonkiness thread... here we go... http://www.cyclechat.net/threads/setting-new-standards-in-stupidity.161793/


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