# Depression. It's back.



## Twenty Inch (8 Jul 2008)

I'm starting another episode of depression. That explains the chocolate, the moods, the rather glum outlook on life, the emotional swings, insomnia, negativity, tiredness, crying jags. 

I should have realised before now, but at least I know what I'm dealing with. Had a chat with my boss about it, will go and talk to my wife so she understands, will go and talk to some of the people who helped me last time.

Posting here is just to help me acknowledge it so that I can deal with it. Not really looking for a response or anything, don't worry.


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## yenrod (8 Jul 2008)

I heard 20; the way to sort depression is to get it all out 

No seriously - get out there on the bike and do a hard session, man ! 

Get it all out!!!

Optimism, talking - bright thoughts...! 

The futures soo bright you gotta wear shades!

*It is all good and will be cause your gonna make it that way aint ya* 20


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## domtyler (8 Jul 2008)

Oh well, does that mean that I have to stop being such a c**t to you for a few months then?


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## tdr1nka (8 Jul 2008)

20", you have beaten the most of the problem by simply acknowledging it.


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## mickle (8 Jul 2008)

Best of luck Twenty. I've been where you're going, it's grim. But it's great that you can see what's happening. It took me the longest time to realise. Look forward to seeing you on the other side when you get there.


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## Perry (8 Jul 2008)

Depression effects people in different ways, wish you luck.

One day it wil all be in the past.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (8 Jul 2008)

I have battled with this shoot for 10 years now...If there is anything I do to help jus tlet me know...sometimes an anonomous name on the net can be a help.


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## byegad (8 Jul 2008)

It's a beggar 20". I'm going through my third episode now and beginning to think the light at the end of the tunnel may not be an oncoming train. Good Luck!


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## piedwagtail91 (8 Jul 2008)

my therapist says honesty( about your problems) with others helps a lot. she more or less forced me to email another rider in our clubs 200 mile ride explaining my problems. I was organiser and worried about leaving the group if i had problems.
it was hard sending the email but i felt better for it, and the other bloke was great about it, and helped a lot with the ride.
all the best.


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## yoyo (8 Jul 2008)

Sorry to hear that 20''. I wish you a speedy recovery.


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## Gerry Attrick (8 Jul 2008)

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I know its a cliche, but you will come out the other side a new man. Get on that bike. My thoughts are with you.


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## User269 (8 Jul 2008)

Yeh, I know. I'm going through another episode myself at the moment. Just got back from a fantastic holiday in Italy, and some terrific rides, but I'm just not there, you know what I mean don't you?
One thing for sure, the more I ride, the better I feel.


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## tentonhammer (8 Jul 2008)

Hang in there mate. I have suffered with this off and on in the recent past and it is an awful place to be. Exercise is a great help as you know, the problem might be finding the will to go out and do it. Luckily for me at the minute I can feel depression or negativity looming and can deal with it. Its hard to keep positive sometimes and we all have different things to deal with but my thoughts are with you.


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## Twenty Inch (8 Jul 2008)

Thanks guys. Maybe I WAS looking for a few kind words. Feel better knowing what's going on, acknowledging it and starting to deal with it. Also feel better knowing that other people have been there too, and that I'm not the only one.

Thanks.


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## Fab Foodie (8 Jul 2008)

20"
As a fellow sufferer, I think you know that recognition and admission is the first part of recovery. Try and park the dross of life, concentrate on what's of value and what is readily do-able. Realise the importance of those close to you. Don't keep looking out of the rear window, look forward. Get plenty of rest, plenty of sleep. Be good to yourself... you're only human! 
Take care. FF.


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## Fab Foodie (8 Jul 2008)

tentonhammer said:


> Hang in there mate. I have suffered with this off and on in the recent past and it is an awful place to be. Exercise is a great help as you know, the problem might be finding the will to go out and do it. Luckily for me at the minute I can feel depression or negativity looming and can deal with it. Its hard to keep positive sometimes and we all have different things to deal with but my thoughts are with you.



Nice to see you around TTH, hope all is well with you and yours.


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## Noodley (9 Jul 2008)

tentonhammer said:


> Hang in there mate.



Bloody hell, TTH!  Where did you pop up from? 
Good to see you here.

And all the best 20. Hang in there.


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## trio25 (9 Jul 2008)

So glad you can see what is happening 20", hopefully that'll allow you to get the support you need and stop things getting too bad. Stick around here as well, people are really helpful.


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## Twenty Inch (9 Jul 2008)

Feeling better this morning after cycling to work in the rain and having a shower, then there was no milk in the canteen and no hot water in the kitchen and I nearly burst out crying! Then I got some perspective and got it back again.

Thanks for all your kind words, it'll be alright. Relieved I know what it is and OH is also relieved that all the negativity and sullenness of the last few weeks hasn't been entirely her fault - she thought our marriage was on the rocks. So did I actually.

Thanks again.


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## Moonlight (9 Jul 2008)

Good to hear things brightening up!

When I get it, I go for a fast cycle to the beach and hope there is a storm. A good storm helps the tears come, and then hopefully your done.


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## trio25 (10 Jul 2008)

Twenty Inch said:


> Feeling better this morning after cycling to work in the rain and having a shower, then there was no milk in the canteen and no hot water in the kitchen and I nearly burst out crying! Then I got some perspective and got it back again.




I know that feeling! the good thing about cycling in the rain is noone can see if you cry and then you get it out of your system.


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## Absinthe Minded (10 Jul 2008)

Hang on in there, 20 - I'm thinking of you too.


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## Noodley (10 Jul 2008)

trio25 said:


> ...the good thing about cycling in the rain is noone can see if you cry...



No, the good thing for you about cycling in the rain is that I can guarantee I'll be cycling in worse rain


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## Twenty Inch (11 Jul 2008)

Update -

Things are heaps better. I was obviously well on the upswing before I realised what was happening. On reflection, it's been going on for well over a month. Found myself whistling and bouncing around yesterday afternoon.

I'd like to thank everyone who contacted me on- and off- board. I really appreciate it and people's honesty in sharing their experience. It made a huge difference. This forum at its best.


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## Smeggers (11 Jul 2008)

Nice one!!!! 

Hope 100% isnt too far away.


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## fossyant (11 Jul 2008)

Twenty Inch said:


> then there was no milk in the canteen and no hot water in the kitchen and I nearly burst out crying!



Glad you are feeling on the up....

May I add some humor....... no milk and no hot water in the morning is enough to crack most of us....glad you came through that...major disaster !


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## wafflycat (11 Jul 2008)

Depression is a PITA to deal with. It's one of those things that sneaks up from behind and before you know it, it's got you by the throat pulling a body down into the mire. It's a real illness made worse by the fact there's no obvious wound with blood pouring out, so folk often don't understand or want to know and don't make allowances for someone being ill that they would in the same way if someone had a broken bone. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time.


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## piedwagtail91 (11 Jul 2008)

wafflycat said:


> Depression is a PITA to deal with. It's one of those things that sneaks up from behind and before you know it, it's got you by the throat pulling a body down into the mire. It's a real illness made worse by the fact there's no obvious wound with blood pouring out, so folk often don't understand or want to know and don't make allowances for someone being ill that they would in the same way if someone had a broken bone. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time.




i wish everyone was so understanding.


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## postman (11 Jul 2008)

Great news.Keep your chin up.And that goes for the rest of you aswell.I hit the shoot around 86-87 during my divorce.And the kind words i was given by my work mates gave me hope.Someone on here will always respond with a kind word or two.Don't keep it to yourself give us a share,that way we can help in a small way.


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## Intelligenthamster (20 Jul 2008)

I've had three run-ins with the black dog in my time, the last was the "easiest" in inverted commas as I knew by then what it was and why, but it is never easy. Among other things I get ferocious insomnia, go off eating and generally lose interest.

It's not something I ever felt able to talk to people at work about, as it is generally misunderstood or seen as a weakness. Although I'm fine now, as others have said it is helpful to know that other people have this as well, and that it can and will get better.

Take care guys.


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## Twenty Inch (20 Jul 2008)

Coming and going at the moment. This weekend is the first for a long time that SWMBO and I haven't had a fight, which is good, but I dropped the baby down the cellar stairs, which is bad.

Thanks everyone


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## Twenty Inch (20 Jul 2008)

He's ok, btw, bruise on head, matching one on arse, but otherwise fine.


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## Sapper (20 Jul 2008)

Glad you both survived...

keep it up

Adrian


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## Twenty Inch (4 Aug 2008)

Signed off work, taking the meds. Feel fricking terrible about myself and everything else. Need to do some work and try and get well. In a bad place.


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## domtyler (4 Aug 2008)

I have no idea or real impression what clinical depression is like to live with fortunately. I guess it is just like a very bad mood that you can't shift?

In any case, I wish you all the best in tackling it 20", I am sure you will see it through in time.


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## Speicher (4 Aug 2008)

domtyler said:


> I have no idea or real impression what clinical depression is like to live with fortunately. I guess it is just like a very bad mood that you can't shift?
> 
> In any case, I wish you all the best in tackling it 20", I am sure you will see it through in time.



If you describe Depression as "a bad mood you cannot shift", I think we can tell that you have been lucky and not encountered it. 

We all feel depression in many different ways. This is how I felt.

I felt disconnected from people around me, bored beyond comprehension with the tedium of life, absolutely exhausted, (but not sleeping properly). I found it difficult to have people around me, or noise or bright lights etc. I could not see things improving, and nothing interested me at all.

I hesitate to give advice to people with Depression. Except they should try to find a good counsellor. Try to avoid joining the NHS waiting list for it. Pay for it yourself, in my case it was money well spent. Also try to deal with it how you would like to. Get plenty of rest, if you would like to, or get some exercise if you think that would help. Above all take time to think, and think.


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## Rhythm Thief (4 Aug 2008)

Not at all meaning to make light of this thread, but this strikes me as pertinent at this point. Funny and poignant and a devastating critique of those who think that depression is easily fixed.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (4 Aug 2008)

..depression can also manifest itself in periods of frantic activity...Go Go Go...compulsive behaviour and tunnel blick...(Blinkered vision...one way forward only...black and white no grey etc)...then crash...it all stops as suddenly as it started....I can get extremely compulsive bouts...sometimes I am really focused on something ...intensely so to the exclusion of everything else...then, suddenly I stop and the mood changes from bordering on euphoria to total despair sometimes. There is up & down, but very little if any level ....guess thats why i'm a cyclist


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## piedwagtail91 (5 Aug 2008)

Twenty Inch said:


> Signed off work, taking the meds. Feel fricking terrible about myself and everything else. Need to do some work and try and get well. In a bad place.



sorry to hear that, i'm there myself at the moment, the way i feel i'm better not saying much but you're not alone. hope you can turn it around.
mick


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## yoyo (5 Aug 2008)

Wishing you a speedy recovery, 20''

Yoyo


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## spandex (5 Aug 2008)

piedwagtail91 said:


> sorry to hear that, i'm there myself at the moment, the way i feel i'm better not saying much but you're not alone. hope you can turn it around.
> mick



Same as pie I'm not too good at the moment but have to keep on going. The worst thing is none of this is my doing (I think) I've just got try and and let time pass and move on. 

BTW a BIG thanks to all of you on CC that have been helping me.


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## trio25 (5 Aug 2008)

Bigtallfatbloke said:


> ..depression can also manifest itself in periods of frantic activity...Go Go Go...compulsive behaviour and tunnel blick...(Blinkered vision...one way forward only...black and white no grey etc)...then crash...it all stops as suddenly as it started....I can get extremely compulsive bouts...sometimes I am really focused on something ...intensely so to the exclusion of everything else...then, suddenly I stop and the mood changes from bordering on euphoria to total despair sometimes. There is up & down, but very little if any level ....guess thats why i'm a cyclist



I think I'm the same, hence my borderline obsession with cycling and yet my inability to do simple tasks!


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## Blonde (6 Aug 2008)

I'm always sympathetic to read of anyone suffering from depression. I know that it's a very individual thing but you will share certain elements with others. It takes years to sort out and will probably never go away completely. To some extent you learn to live with it - but by that I do not mean give in to it, or beome despondant about it; I mean that you can learn to avoid the main triggers and learn to do something about warning signs before it really sets in. 

Self-help books can be useful. Exercise outdoors is one of the best remedies, but over obsessive or compulsive behavious can result and in the end make things worse for anyone with self-esteem or body image issues, so it is best to have a few other things (such as musical instrument playing, langauge classes, social network etc) in your life as well, not just cycling. You need to make a huge effort to get started in this because whilst depressed it is so difficult to make connections with others and find things that interest and engage you, and you are not motivated to do it, but this is what will draw you out of depression. Less stressful and more stable living (not moving house and jobs every 6 months) helped me, but light therapy has made a huge difference too. It's taken me over ten years to figure it out, but using a SAD lamp from October to February has changed my life (along with some winter holidays in sunnier climes) and is much better than having to buy prescription drugs every year during the winter.

Good luck on your journey Twenty Inch. You will get there with the support of your family and friends and with growing self awareness and strength.


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## Nerazzurri (7 Aug 2008)

This is my first post in this thread; reason: I can find it very difficult to talk about my illness; why: because I don't have any visible signs of being unwell I think people don't take depression, and everything that comes with it, seriously.

I haven't worked, for the first time in my life, for two and a half years now. I'm a timeserved moulder, working in a private foundry and also with British Steel, so believe me - I'm no stranger to hard work. I'm still coming to terms with not working! Because sometimes I feel OK and think i SHOULD be working; but all too often I have bad periods which remind me I'm not ready. As it happens, I'm not very good at the moment; that's probably what's prompted me to write here.

I think I've had my bike about six weeks now, and it's really turned out to be a positive for me. I can have long periods of low energy (and many other symptoms) and didn't know if this would stop me using my bike regularly. But I've tried to get on it every day, even if just for a couple of miles, and I've managed not bad, just missing a few days. 

The benefits are fantastic. Even if I don't feel like pushing myself a little, just the aerobic excercise of travelling at a slower space is rewarding. And apart from the excercise provided I find it's just plain fun to get out there. The few days I've not cycled I've just been too tired to do anything at all. The one mistake I've made was buying a MTB; with hindsight I should have got a hybrid - I've pretty much set-up the bike as a commuter with mudguards, rack, slicks, etc., etc.

I'm hoping cycling helps with beating depression. I don't have faith in drugs, so no chance of the placebo effect! I do take my meds but they have had only one effect - they stop my terribly emotional lows; unfortunately they've also neutralised lots of my positive emotions too. So they leave me in no-mans land bumbling along, day to day. And as a previous poster said, I really don't think you lose the illness, it's more a case of learning how to deal with it best so you can enjoy a decent life. 

So on that note I can only say again that my, so far, brief cycling career has been very enjoyable.

Regards, G.


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## bagpuss (7 Aug 2008)

It is warming to see other on this forum live in the 21 centry and can talk about this ghastly illness in an open way.I have suffered 3 bouts in the last 15 years.The first been the worst.
1/ Get the right help ,first time round.Tell your GP what you want.I did not and hey ho a few years later .From what I learnt,most depression is cause by learnt behaviour.
CB therapy really work for me.During my 2 round.I had to ask for it mind.
2/ Reading list .The Gentle mind .Professor Paul Gilbert.
3/Keep or start keping a mood diary if suffering or you fell your self sliding.
challenge the negtive .
4/Be kind to your self.
5/Set your self small daily tasks if not at work/working.
6/Get your self a hobby and lose your self in it.I have a garage full!
7/Gentle exerise. 
8/Remeber .YOU WILL GET BETTER.


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## TheDoctor (7 Aug 2008)

And talk about it. Talk to your partner, your friends, us on here or anyone...but talk about it.


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## JohnRedcoRn (20 Aug 2008)

i wont patronise you but i have a lot of experience of this. its easy to give advice but lots of people are talking sense in their replies. remember, keep pushing, do stuff you dont feel like doing but be REALISTIC - 50% not 100% is the way to start functioning again. most importantly 'give youself a break' all that feeling crap about yourself, its all distorted thinking caused by wonky brain chemistry.
And i always knew physical activity was good therapy but cycling has turned out to be far and away the best form of this i have EVER known,the gym just bored me.
personally i think meds have their place to kick start you out of the worst of it, but i will NEVER take any of that again.....(some of) the professional contact i had years ago was useful but ultimately its you who will regain control and become comfortable in your own skin - hard work but you'll get there,on your own terms and with your own strengths. but always make sure
to get help BEFORE it gets to the stage where its crippling you, wether that be friends, family, professionals or whatever.
Is it seasonal ? just wondered, because i am convinced that SAD is not an illness as such ; i honestly believe that anyone who DOESNT experience a significant lowering of mood through our horrible long, grey british winter must be bloody lucky, i'd emmigrate if i could.
good luck, its worth the fight to beat this horrible thing.


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## Kirstie (20 Aug 2008)

I'm just at the end of my second bout of depression and just want to wish all the best to other fellow sufferers out there! It does get better eventually, and can give you some amazing insight as well...


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## ColinJ (20 Aug 2008)

JohnRedcoRn said:


> Is it seasonal ? just wondered, because i am convinced that SAD is not an illness as such ; i honestly believe that anyone who DOESNT experience a significant lowering of mood through our horrible long, grey british winter must be bloody lucky, i'd emmigrate if i could.


SAD is a genuine condition, whether you choose to call it an illness or something else. I suffer really badly from it and have to use a light box to get through the winter in even a vaguely functioning state. It's not just the psychologically depressing effects of the UK climate. For acute sufferers, SAD can also create a state of chronic physical fatigue. For me, it makes it difficult to do the exercise which I know would make me feel better.

In autumn 2006 I was pretty fit and was managing to do hilly 200 km audax rides in the Yorkshire Dales comfortably in 10 hours. Two months later I'd been reduced to a jelly-legged weakling who couldn't carry a couple of bags of shopping 300 metres back from the local market without stopping for a rest. My sister bought me a light box and an hour a day with that sorted me out in about a week *even though it was still a long, grey, British winter* outside the house!

The weather has been very gloomy in Yorkshire recently and I've spent so much time indoors that my symptoms have arrived early this year. I usually don't use the box until late October or early November but I had to switch the box on today. I was falling asleep within two hours of getting up after 8 hours sleep.

There is a very good book on SAD which is well worth reading - Winter Blues by Dr. Norman Rosenthal.


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## JohnRedcoRn (20 Aug 2008)

Sorry if i came across like i was questioning the condition, theres no doubting it is real and unfortunatley misunderstood ; like other depressive illnesses unfortunately theres still ignorance out there, people talk about 'depression' when theyre just 'blue' etc and have no idea how crippling it can be.
what i was trying to say is that depressive symptoms are like extreme / horrible versions of normal feelings and emotions, except in depression its way outside the 'normal' human mood fluctuations and negtive thoughts, like you say to a degree whereby people really cant function. 
And i think theres no doubt that sunshine and daylight are good for everyones mental well being, i for one get lethargic and demotivated and gloomy when the weathers grey - i think thats normal, and i didnt mean to confuse this with SAD which is something much worse. apologies for any misunderstanding i may have caused with my size 12's


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## LLB (20 Aug 2008)

Knowing a few people who have suffered with this, I am glad I've never been afflicted by it. In the lack of anything really constructive to add to this I hope all who have posted of their illness are on the way back up


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## ColinJ (20 Aug 2008)

JohnRedcoRn said:


> Sorry if i came across like i was questioning the condition, theres no doubting it is real and unfortunatley misunderstood ; like other depressive illnesses unfortunately theres still ignorance out there, people talk about 'depression' when theyre just 'blue' etc and have no idea how crippling it can be.
> what i was trying to say is that depressive symptoms are like extreme / horrible versions of normal feelings and emotions, except in depression its way outside the 'normal' human mood fluctuations and negtive thoughts, like you say to a degree whereby people really cant function.
> And i think theres no doubt that sunshine and daylight are good for everyones mental well being, i for one get lethargic and demotivated and gloomy when the weathers grey - i think thats normal, and i didnt mean to confuse this with SAD which is something much worse. apologies for any misunderstanding i may have caused with my size 12's


I wasn't offended. I just wanted to describe the effects of SAD because I suffered from it for a number of years before I heard about the condition and realised that was what I had. I was sceptical about using a light box until I tried mine out, so it definitely wasn't a placebo effect - I didn't believe that it would work! 

There are probably a lot of people out there suffering from SAD without even realising it. That's why I recommended the Rosenthal book. There are some really grim stories in there of people who had their lives ruined by the condition. The good thing is that a high percentage of people can be helped by light box therapy. If anybody reading this only tends to suffer from depression in the wintertime, I'd say get a light box ASAP and start using it in October or even sooner (that's for people in the northern hemisphere). Start with an hour a day around lunch time and see how you get on. It might take a week or two to take effect (with me it is only a few days, and full effects in about a week). If you use a box too much you can suffer from eyestrain and headaches. Too late in the day, and it can cause sleep disruption.

What we tend to forget is that the UK is at quite a high northern latitude (Birmingham, UK is further north than Vancouver, Canada for example) so the effects of SAD are worse here than they would be in somewhere like France. What you said about emigrating actually makes sense - I'm sure that I wouldn't suffer from SAD if I lived in the Canary Isles! Mind you, I'd then start suffering from the heat...


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## Kirstie (21 Aug 2008)

JohnRedcoRn said:


> what i was trying to say is that depressive symptoms are like extreme / horrible versions of normal feelings and emotions, except in depression its way outside the 'normal' human mood fluctuations and negtive thoughts, like you say to a degree whereby people really cant function.



No. It really isn't like this. 

Depression is a complete and utter detachment from the outside world, other people, things and yourself. It physically feels like you're looking at everything from inside a glass cube. Like there is a physical barrier around you obscuring your perception. It is the worst kind of emotional numbness and a complete indifference to anything. Imagine what it feels like to replace the core of your body with a big, heavy lump of stone, and the physical and mental effect that would have on your abiliy to do anything, and that will give you an idea of what it's like.


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## Riding in Circles (21 Aug 2008)

I have suffered from depression ever since my major injury ten years ago, I tried the drugs route but that just makes me flat, problem is I am on a fairly constant cocktail of pain killers as well, I find cycling helps if I can stay motivated enough to do it, but everything else slips, like accounts and keeping in touch with people, then I kind of emerge out the other side and the preceding month/s seem as if they existed in a fog, nothing is clear from that time, I just want to sleep all the time and the days disappear.


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## wafflycat (21 Aug 2008)

That sounds quite awful Catrike.


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## Riding in Circles (21 Aug 2008)

wafflycat said:


> That sounds quite awful Catrike.



It feels odd to share it, I have to say the worst part is when I feel it starting to come on and know there is very little I can do about it, it is like looking down a hole, knowing that you are going to fall into it and not being able to prevent it, it is the one thing that truly scares me.


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## Riding in Circles (21 Aug 2008)

Kirstie said:


> It physically feels like you're looking at everything from inside a glass cube.



This is a really accurate description. You are detached and everything is outside of your world but even though you notice it, you cannot interact with it and don't really want to.


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## wafflycat (21 Aug 2008)

A small positive though Catrike, is that if you feel it start to happen, you can get thee to a doc (hopefully) and ask for help early on. Have you had any luck with alternatives to drugs, such as CBT?


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## Riding in Circles (21 Aug 2008)

wafflycat said:


> A small positive though Catrike, is that if you feel it start to happen, you can get thee to a doc (hopefully) and ask for help early on. Have you had any luck with alternatives to drugs, such as CBT?



CBT does not work for me, it can add to the triggers for me.

The best solution I have found has been to really isolate myself during, so a trip to the desert or mountains, me and a horse or a motorcycle, but this country is no good for that, to many people, I function fine alone and after a few days it lifts completely, it is just not practical to do most of the time.


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## Riding in Circles (21 Aug 2008)

I have not had a really bad one since last year btw.


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## Kirstie (22 Aug 2008)

Catrike UK said:


> This is a really accurate description. You are detached and everything is outside of your world but even though you notice it, you cannot interact with it and don't really want to.



Amen to that.


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## wafflycat (22 Aug 2008)

Catrike UK said:


> CBT does not work for me, it can add to the triggers for me.
> 
> The best solution I have found has been to really isolate myself during, so a trip to the desert or mountains, me and a horse or a motorcycle, but this country is no good for that, to many people, I function fine alone and after a few days it lifts completely, it is just not practical to do most of the time.



That's one of the downers (if you'll pardon the term) about depression - there's no one-cure-fits-all. There's so many different triggers and causes. Like migraine too - no one cure even though the docs, in my experience, try to insist the latest triptan will abort every migraine in the case of that illness.


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## Charlotte_C+ :-) (26 Aug 2008)

Catrike UK said:


> This is a really accurate description. You are detached and everything is outside of your world but even though you notice it, you cannot interact with it and don't really want to.




Thats very true. Ive been feeling like that for quite a few years, some days, like today, i just feel so weepy & just want to shut myself away & sleep. ive never been to the doctors about it, always felt to embarrassed thinking people will think im wallowing in self pitty. 

But the only thing that seems to make me feel a little better is going for a bike ride some where or cycling to work......it feels like part of the darkness has been lifted afterwards, & i don`t feel so on edge. Just have to make sure i make myself get out there instead of getting a lift, because its very easy to not take the plunge when you dont feel like getting out the door let alone cycling, but its definitely worth it though. 

Have also found that just being able to talk to someone about how i feel helps, even if its people i dont know that well. So im just very greatfull this thread is here to help people. So im sending lots of best wishes to every body!


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## Riding in Circles (26 Aug 2008)

Yes, talking about is does help, if mine gets really bad then the Doc puts me on a small course of serotonin inhibitors which gets me back into a place I can deal with the rest of it. A lot of it though is knowing where the depression started, mine is linked to a series of key events that hapenned 10-12 years ago so with that as a reference I have a marked advantage over someone else that cannot track it to a particular event.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (26 Aug 2008)

keep going...this to shall pass...

I hav elearnt recently that things happen for a reason and that as a result of that change good happens. It will sound odd but I honestly believe God helps....talk to him in your head, nobody else can hear, but he will listen and tht will give ou strength...blimey hark at me...sound like a jehova or something...but seriously...when you are on your own (I mean psyhcologically) he can help...well thats what kept me going km after km in Germany and france this year. Loneliness isnt much fun, but god is a friend that comes without any baggage.

...I was pill free in France...first time in years...I hope I dont reach for the dreaded green/cream pills agin now I am back.


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## purplemoon (31 Aug 2008)

Bigtallfatbloke said:


> ..depression can also manifest itself in periods of frantic activity...Go Go Go...compulsive behaviour and tunnel blick...(Blinkered vision...one way forward only...black and white no grey etc)...then crash...it all stops as suddenly as it started....I can get extremely compulsive bouts...sometimes I am really focused on something ...intensely so to the exclusion of everything else...then, suddenly I stop and the mood changes from bordering on euphoria to total despair sometimes. There is up & down, but very little if any level ....guess thats why i'm a cyclist



Are you Bipolar by any chance? 

I think you've just described me to a tee


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## piedwagtail91 (31 Aug 2008)

Charlotte_C+ :-) said:


> Thats very true. Ive been feeling like that for quite a few years, some days, like today, i just feel so weepy & just want to shut myself away



thats where i was at this morning, first time i've been caught in tears in public. had set everything up to overdose a couple of weeks ago, 100 dothiepin , and was going to post a final message on the century chat thread saying i wouldn't be doing anymore for health reasons. 

unfortunately/fortunately i clicked the wrong link, ended up elsewhere with a pm form someone i'd been talking to all night. she sussed something was wrong when i said be good and look after yourself, along witha lot of odd messages from me all night, and i couldn't bluff my way out of it, she was all for sending the cops round, false alarm or not, so after an hour calling her every name under the sun i convinced her i'd given up on the idea. i was already knackered from the clubs 150 mile ride and this was 2 in the morning when she believed me.

i've got a good therapist who has helped me since but things were a bloody mess for most of today, until i got home from a bike ride. it does pass though, or so they tell me.

i'm surprised at the number of people who have posted on here with problems.


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## wafflycat (31 Aug 2008)

Just shows how 'normal' depression is. Well don't know if that's the correct choice of word - I know what I mean to say. Depression is very common, and it's a good sign IMO that more people are being open about suffering from it.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (31 Aug 2008)

> Are you Bipolar by any chance?
> 
> I think you've just described me to a tee



...I think thats the term yes...manic...whatever...it's all just labels. In July I took 12 days to ride/camp from bremen in Northern Germany to Basel in Switzerland...then I got home and crashed...but next thing I know I am back up again and blasting through France in 9 days to Montpellier...on those rides I was extremely compulsive, just focused intently on the destination...completly hyper I suppose...now I am back it's all down again...up down up down....but the good thing is I ditched the bloody pills, hopefully this time for good (although I have been here before a few times)....

...he says reaching for routes for the next ride...


...do you have similar swings?


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## purplemoon (1 Sep 2008)

Bigtallfatbloke said:


> ...do you have similar swings?



Pretty much so, yes! 

I can certainly identify with the compulsiveness (and impulsiveness too  ) and that intense blinkered focus to the exclusion of all else action. I'm ok whilst I'm ploughing ahead like a steam roller with whatever project has taken my fancy, until something blocks my progress and that's it, over and finished and slung to one side, then back to complete inertia until the next high swing.

I just hope my newfound interest in cycling doesn't go the same way as this is something I'd very much like to continue with as part of my "life changing" process and not just a two-minute wonder hobby.

I must admit I'm struggling today to keep up the momentum having realised what a battle it is to find decent clothing in the right sizes in this country. I've even had one guy on the phone this morning say to me: "If you're above a size 14/16 then you're obviously too fat to be on a bike!"  

I'm not going to let him put me off, although I am feeling rather depressed about it and think my only option is going to be to order stuff from the US and to hell with the cost


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## ColinJ (1 Sep 2008)

purplemoon said:


> I've even had one guy on the phone this morning say to me: "If you're above a size 14/16 then you're obviously too fat to be on a bike!"
> 
> I'm not going to let him put me off, although I am feeling rather depressed about it...


When I bought my first (adult) road bike back in 1989, the salesman in the bike shop laughed at me when I told him that I was taking it home on the train because I couldn't face 25 miles in Greater Manchester's rush-hour traffic for my first ride.

Even more annoying - I weighed 16.5 stone at the time, hadn't ridden a bike for 20 years and live in a very hilly part of Yorkshire so I asked for the cassette to be changed to an easier one (the bike had 52/42 chainrings and a 12-25 cassette). He started laughing again and told me that a decent cyclist could get up anything in a 42/25 gear! He then related the story of how he'd once powered up a wet 25% cobbled climb in a Belgian road race using a 42/21 bottom gear. I nearly chucked the bike back at him, the arrogant, stupid tosser !

Despite his encouraging words, I kept the bike and am still riding nearly 20 years on. Don't let the bastards grind you down !


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## Bigtallfatbloke (1 Sep 2008)

> "If you're above a size 14/16 then you're obviously too fat to be on a bike!"



the blokes a self-gratification artist...sorry but it's true. Forget him, just another one of life's peanuts, move on.

I think it's pretty well nown on this board that i had a weight problem. I weighed 21 stone, suffered from depressive illness and ME. I spent three years in a small room, almost never going out anywhere, just 'duvet diving' I think the quacks call it. Anyway...the bike was my salvation. 20 months later I weigh 14 stone 11lbs and have just ridden across most of Europe on a bike. 

Cycling will break the cycle of weight gain/inactivity etc. years of dieting never worked, it's all a sales con for the diet industry. Fresh air, exercise first, then the diet will sort itself out as your body tells you what to eat etc.

Clothing...yep...I had similar issues with sizing...I still do to a degree. I had people yell at me from cars to get my fat arse off the road (and a lot worse). I had bike shop kids snigger when i looked at roadbikes, I was unable to get cycle cloths to fit so I had to ride in my normal day clothes which were uncomfortable and hot etc. I felt totally insecure and embarrassed on a bike for a long time. I ride in essex and the Chavvy scumbuckets there give no quarter to cyclists, especially fat ones!

...anyway...the point here is to try to help encourage you to carry on...never surrender...keep riding, every day if possible. Start with short rides and gradually increase the distances...ignore the idiots in their cars....they arnt as good as you, they are are just bullies and cowards, it takes guts to do what you are doing.

My approach was simple....nobody is going to change my life for me, i messed it up so i am going to fix it, and nothing is going to stop me. For the first time since I was 16 I can honestly say that i feel in good physical shape...there were (and still are pain barriers) but now most peopek I speak to are in awe of what i have done in terms of weight loss and riding the tours I have done.

The best thing about it is thjat it is actually very simple to achieve. All you need to do is get on a bike every day of your life and ride somewhere. 

I wish you luck.


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## purplemoon (1 Sep 2008)

Wow, you've actually got me all choked up reading that! It sounds like we have rather a lot in common with the health and weight issues. I'm just emerging from a 5 year period of shutting myself away and doing the "duvet diving" thing you so brilliantly described 

My weight has soared during this time and I've put on around 5-6 stone mainly due to the inactivity, meds and poor eating habits, although I did manage to lose a stone earlier this year having been diagnosed with diabetes but it's been slowly creeping back on again recently 

I know I need to start making some positive changes in my life, starting with diet and exercise, but also to get back out there in the big bad world and start socialising with people again 

It won't be easy, but then nothing good ever is and I'm certainly not going to let that idiot on the phone put me off. I'm determined to do this no matter how long it takes 

I must say, having spent much of the morning reading various threads and posts around the forum, that I've noticed what a wonderfully supportive group of people you all are and I'm so glad to have found this place 

Thank you so much for sharing your personal battles with me and congratulations on your fantastic achievements so far, I'm incredibly impressed


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## piedwagtail91 (1 Sep 2008)

Bigtallfatbloke said:


> the blokes a self-gratification artist...sorry but it's true. Forget him, just another one of life's peanuts, move on.



seconded.ride whatever gears you like,whatever bike you like, wear whatever you like and if anyone doesn't like it tell them to "go forth and multiply" or even cruder if you like.
all that matters is that you enjoy what you are doing and to hell with anyone who tries to spoil it.
i started off on an mtb with slicks, everyone laughed, but i was still there at the end of rides, now i'm riding almost exclusively fixed because i find it relaxing, .why fixed in summer a lot ask , why not i reply.
there will always be people who "think" they know whats best for you, only you can decide what you like.stuff em


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## purplemoon (1 Sep 2008)

ColinJ said:


> Despite his encouraging words, I kept the bike and am still riding nearly 20 years on. Don't let the bastards grind you down !



Good on you! As I just said in my post above I'm not going to let that idiot get to me, although I'm sure he won't be the last to try and put me down, so I'm going to just ignore them and continue on with my battle 

Btw, I know Hebden Bridge, lovely place, but all those hills  glad I don't live up that way now


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## Bigtallfatbloke (1 Sep 2008)

> but also to get back out there in the big bad world and start socialising with people again



..this is my next bridge to cross. Well i already started because on tour i met lot's of great people, including several like minded maniac cyclists!

People used to avoid me, now I am finding they like talking to me (well some do anyway!)...it's probably because I am less of a miserable git these days....I am learning that a simple smile and the word 'Hi' open up many doors. I am off to a bike club evening on Wednesday...I wangled my way into a mechanics maintenance course/evening for free....I may join the club as well just for the social thing. Do you have a local cycle club? Maybe go along on a 'novice ride' or even jus thelp out with marshalling or something...just a thought.

...


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## purplemoon (1 Sep 2008)

Bigtallfatbloke said:


> ..*this is my next bridge to cross*. Well i already started because on tour i met lot's of great people, including several like minded maniac cyclists!



Now that surprises me considering some of the journeys you've undertaken this year, although I am aware that there's a huge difference in being around people and actually speaking and socialising with them 



> People used to avoid me, now I am finding they like talking to me (well some do anyway!)...it's probably because I am less of a miserable git these days....I am learning that a simple smile and the word 'Hi' open up many doors. I am off to a bike club evening on Wednesday...I wangled my way into a mechanics maintenance course/evening for free....I may join the club as well just for the social thing. Do you have a local cycle club? Maybe go along on a 'novice ride' or even jus thelp out with marshalling or something...just a thought.
> 
> ...



I haven't yet investigated whether there are any cycle groups local to me, other than the organised activities I read about in Thetford Forest yesterday, but I should imagine that if any do exist they will be some distance away as I live in a very small rural village miles from civilisation  

And besides, I'm not sure whether I'm ready for that level of social contact yet


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## Bigtallfatbloke (1 Sep 2008)

...I remember making it through the cold august rain last 'summer' to Grimes graves in Thetford. I was the only nutter out on a bike that day! 

One reason I got into touring rather than joining a club etc is that it is a solitary affir for the most part...it's very easy to avoid humanity on a solo bike tour if you so choose. It's also not in anyway competitive (no time trials and progress charts and targets etc)...I like it, I can talk if I wan tto and be a miserable anti social git if I want to as well


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## ComedyPilot (2 Sep 2008)

purplemoon said:


> I've even had one guy on the phone this morning say to me: "If you're above a size 14/16 then you're obviously too fat to be on a bike!"
> 
> I'm not going to let him put me off, although I am feeling rather depressed about it and think my only option is going to be to order stuff from the US and to hell with the cost



I was almost 18 stone when I seriously got my ass into gear. I rode alone, i wore lycra and baggy t-shirts. Now almost 3 stone less I feel a lot better, and want no more than to offer you support and tell you the people trying to ridicule you are only doing it cos they haven't got the balls to admit how well you are doing. Keep it up. As much admiration I have for really fit people, I hold the most respect for people starting out and working through all the piss taking and losing the weight in a society that you a damned if you're overweight, and you're damned if you do something about it. Being fit and slim is easy, getting there is the hard bit, physically and mentally.


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## trio25 (2 Sep 2008)

Purplemoon contact minx
http://www.minx-girl.com/
she'll give you good advice and have clothes in your size.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (2 Sep 2008)

...I would be tempted to use a more direct reply along thine lines of F*** Off you ignorant F*** faced piece of Dogs S***

...I now it's wrong but it would make me feel better


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## Charlotte_C+ :-) (7 Sep 2008)

Not having a very good day today if im honest. Havn`t been on the bike for a while either, which probably isnt helping me much. 

Sorry to have a moan though, just feel very tearfull


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## Dayvo (7 Sep 2008)

Don't bottle it up, Charlotte!

If you want to confide here in us, go ahead. You'll get a lot of support and words of encouragement. Someone might even make you laugh! 

This time of year isn't the best for me either (I suffer from SAD) but I try and plan to have something to look forward to; e.g. a holiday, visiting friends and family, planning trips etc., or just staying home with a good book and lots of brandy hot chocolate!

You'll be OK!


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## Charlotte_C+ :-) (7 Sep 2008)

Thank you Dayvo, it means a lot!.

Just going for a little walk to see if it helps clear my head


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## piedwagtail91 (7 Sep 2008)

Charlotte_C+ :-) said:


> Not having a very good day today if im honest. Havn`t been on the bike for a while either, which probably isnt helping me much.
> 
> *Sorry to have a moan though*, just feel very tearfull



it's not moaning,don't feel bad about saying how you feel, if you need to talk there's enough people on here understand how you feel. i felt the same today after a good day yesterday.i went out for a walk this morning and it helped, hope yours does.
mick


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## purplemoon (7 Sep 2008)

Charlotte_C+ :-) said:


> Not having a very good day today if im honest. Havn`t been on the bike for a while either, which probably isnt helping me much.
> 
> Sorry to have a moan though, just feel very tearfull



Hi Charlotte,

I know we haven't "met" yet but wanted to offer a few words of support as I felt pretty much like you yesterday. I'd loaded up my bike in the car and drove over to my son's looking forward to doing another cycle ride around the Thetford Forest trails, only to find when I got there that he'd injured himself whilst tackling the tricky black trail a couple of days ago so wasn't really up to going out again 

I didn't realise how much the lack of getting out there had affected me until I drove home (in the dark, which I hate doing anyway) feeling very despondant and lethargic, which was in total contrast to how I felt last weekend, so as soon as I got home I got the bike out of the car and went straight out on a half hour ride around the village and immediately felt a whole lot better! 

When I was in the depths of depression previously I never believed those who would tell you that exercise could make you feel a whole lot better, but now I do!

If you can manage to get out there, even if just for a short ride, I guarantee it will help lift your mood and make you feel a whole lot better. I know it's easier said than done at times but if I can do it, having suffered with severe depression and agoraphobia for the last few years, then anyone can 

Go for it girl!!!!


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## trio25 (7 Sep 2008)

Hi Charlotte, hope things are feeling a little better. Please don't feel like you are moaning, we want to listen and help if we can.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (8 Sep 2008)

..I havent been able to ride for two days now...due to a fractured wrist which is strapped up in a split jobby, I feel like carp today..all itching to ride, can tkeep still etc. I hate sitting around putting the weight back on.

Time to start planning the next tour methinks...

...carp passes, good things always follow.


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## Kirstie (8 Sep 2008)

Purplemoon I just noticed your post about your size, and what that guy on the phone said to you. My friend who I train with every week, and just rode lejog with, tour with, and have raced with (even won the odd thing), is between a size 14 and 16, but is nearer 14 nowadays. She has plenty of cycle clothing from oakley and cannondale, which work well. She's also as strong as an ox and quicker than a lot of blokes I know. So size doesn't matter. What matters is that you are out there riding.


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## bagpuss (14 Sep 2008)

Following my earlier posts on this topic,after pondering about a further reply etc .
Give your self a real goal. I had my first long bout of clincal depression in about 1998 . 5 months off work, total wreck. forward to the year 2000. AUK member at the time.2000SR ride series completed .If you ride audax you will know what it involves.Became totally focused, eased back after. Had further bouts since.Each time same goal "Just get me back on my bike" Bollocks to everything else. Exercise raises the bodies endorphines level.
Going part time at work by choice in a week .The open road is calling again ,and I am chomping at the bit.
To any fellow sufferer .You will bounce back in your own time and in your own way.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (15 Sep 2008)

agreed..a goal / challenge is good, but for me anyway it needed to be something that i chose to do, as opossed to something someone else thought would be a good plan for me. I also found it important to be realistic in th egoal. Mine were:

1) Get on the bike
2) Keep riding
3) Around East Anglia or bust
4) Keep riding every day in the winter
5) Bodensee or bust
6) Montpellier or bust
...now I need a new aim...'cos I am drifting..
right now I adjusted my aim back to 4) above because that is realistically achieveable and needs doing...but in my mind I am thinking about next years tours again..and getting this dam wrist healed.


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## TheDoctor (15 Sep 2008)

Are you looking for suggestions? Ventoux springs to mind...


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## bagpuss (15 Sep 2008)

Hey Doc .I like the Pink Floyd Sign off.Dark side of the Moon.Enough said.


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## Speicher (15 Sep 2008)

In the nicest possible way, may I suggest that you put the above request for info or guidance, on the "Touring and Expedition" section. I am sure you will get a lot more help that way.


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## Speicher (16 Sep 2008)

I could see you had not got that many posts, so you must be newish.
Yes, it is very easy to miss a section or two.


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## Twenty Inch (16 Sep 2008)

Bloody buggering ****.

Thought I was doing ok, but meltdown at the weekend and today. SWMBO blew up at me over a lot of things, it's true I've been wrapped up in myself recently but that's because I've had to be. I don't know what I'm feeling any more - is this really how I feel or is it the meds? Trying to get used to a whole new way of thinking and doing things and it's really difficult, so I've not been giving her as much attention or around the house and she went gerrity. FWIW, I'm very much a modern man - cook, clean, wash clothes, make bread, put LO to bed, I'm not a slob.

And today I'm supposed to be working at home but simply can't. Feel completely fraudulent and like I'm ripping my employers off. This is shoot.


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## Bigtallfatbloke (16 Sep 2008)

...I have been med free for about 3 weeks now aftet ten years on the dam things (just hope I can stay so). I am starting to realise how mixed up those bloody pills make you in the head...maybe the fog is clearing...but I suspect they cause as much confusion as the illness itself sometimes.

...some people outside of your head dont understand what its like in there, some try to understand, but never really do. Some just dont give a shoot. I dont think pills are the answer (long term anyway)...sometimes a clear head is required so that crucial decisions can be made, making the right choices can be bloody difficult, but taking those decisions/different forks in the road are what is required to bring back happiness, tough but true, sometimes change is what should be prescribed over yet another pack of pills.

Sameness isnt always good, risks can go wrong, but more often than not they work out, or at least set you on a different route. I believe the cure for depression is change...for which there is often a price to pay, but hopefully that price is worth paying for happiness.


....Iwouldnt worry about your employers...if they are decent peeps they will understand and allow you some time out if necessary. Go hit a punchball or something...then try to figure out what changes need making....well that is what I would do now...but havent been able to do for 10 years...so wtf do I know. Good luck anyway.


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