# At My Lowest Ever



## cosmicbike (5 May 2015)

I need an outlet, and I'm getting fed up with putting on my wife and friends, so here will do.

I'm depressed, I've never felt so low. I've been on the receiving end of a most unpleasant muscle wasting condition which has bitten me 5 times in the past 2 years, putting me in pain that I never thought existed, and mentally destroying me with horrible withdrawal symptoms from the essential pain relief. I've been paranoid that when my family go out in the morning I'll never see them again. I have to follow to school and make sure they're safe. I can't sleep, I've got the constant jitters and I'm sick of learning to walk all over again.
I've tried really hard to get back to work (who have been really good), but recent attempts saw me leaving in pain every day and exhausted, and last week I broke down at work which was not nice. Now I'm on anti-depressants which have some unpleasant side effects and I find myself curled up on the sofa crying like a baby. Can't even give the kids a cuddle without welling up, and finding it hard to even hold a conversation.
I keep trying to put things into perspective but finding it all a bit much at the moment.

Anybody been through depression have any pointers?


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## Markymark (5 May 2015)

Which health care professionals have you shared this with?


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## Scoosh (5 May 2015)

No pointers but very very glad you came to ask your CC Family for help. 

I've read your health-related posts and have been amazed at how you have managed to keep going in the face of such extreme adversity.  

You've come so far. As @0-markymark-0 has said ... and it's not admitting defeat to go for help.

Meanwhile .


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## ianrauk (5 May 2015)

Can't really offer any advice mate. But all the best.
Have a man-hug from me.


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## w00hoo_kent (5 May 2015)

As said. If you don't have professional help with the depression already, get some and tell them exactly how you are doing. Don't hold anything back because they need to know to be able to help you.

Anti-depressants can work, but they don't always work and sometimes the side effects are worse than the benefits. The way to do it is to try a few. You might need three of four before you get one that is actually helping your mood and not leaving you so poor physically that the mood lift isn't worth it. Again, get in touch with the doctor that prescribed these, tell them what is happening as a side effect of taking them, ask to be put on something else. They will want to give the medication a bit of time to work but once that has passed, if it isn't working, it's often not worth having. Try the next one, hopefully you'll find the right one quickly.

There are no magic wands here. What you are looking for is to be happy enough to cope and build from there (in fact, not even that, not being sad. That is very different from not being happy, they aren't a binary state.). At the end of the day it'll be you doing most of the rebuilding, but people are out there to help you along the way. Considering the reasons for your depression are easily identifiable, I'd also suggest finding a support group that deals with your condition and where you can talk to other people who have dealt with it. I'd imagine the feeling of hopelessness that the recurrence of the illness causes is a major factor and at the moment it just looks like it'll never get better. Talking to people who have been where you are now will help. Plus it'll help assuage the inevitable guilt you get from laying it on your family. Also, thinking about what you describe, there's a reasonable chance that other medication you are taking is contributing to some of the vulnerabilities you are feeling. Again, if you talk to people who have been through it, you might find similarities and understanding why something is happening is a great stride towards dealing with it.

It's almost always worth making sure your wife knows what is happening, again really what is happening, only you know how she may deal with this, and it might end up being more for her benefit than yours if she isn't someone who copes well (my wife is a fixer, so doesn't deal with anything that lasts for more than around 3 days very well) but at the very least being able to understand the situation between you will help. Sometimes you just need to lie in a dark room and cry until you fall asleep, not having someone checking on you every 5 minutes is a bonus there.

It sounds like the condition is being dealt with, it's just slow. You've only got so much capacity to deal with it all and it's got to you. Getting support, and information will give you a better platform to get back to fighting it from.

I hope something in that lot has helped in some way.


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## jnrmczip (5 May 2015)

Also find groups with other people with the same problems as yourself I'm sure their experiance would be helpful to hear and I'm sure they would me more than glad to talk about things. Only advice I can give is talk talk talk don't bottle anything up as it will get worse p's your family love you and they will support you try not drive a wedge by thinking they won't make sure you speak to them about not only how you feel but how they do also.


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## Hacienda71 (5 May 2015)

Dependent on the antidepressants they may take upto 2 weeks to have the desired effect or may not suit you at all so keep talking to your doctor. 
Also when I was on SSRI's in the form of Prozac, I used them as a crutch not a solution. You need to try to deal with the underlying cause as well as the symptoms.


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## Slioch (5 May 2015)

Have a man hug from me too mate.  Sounds like you've really been through the mill backwards!

I think you'll find there's a lot of people on here who will be able to offer you sound advice.


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## I like Skol (5 May 2015)

Not a lot I can add other than don't give up believing that tomorrow can be better, and take things one day at a time. Easy for me to say with good health and active life I know but I really think staying positive is a big help in most situations.
I will also second taking time to discuss your problems with the doctors in detail, there are always different approaches and alternatives in medical care. One size doesn't fit all. Don't be afraid to question the treatments, take some responsibility for your care where you can as only you know best how the treatments are affecting you.


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## Rooster1 (5 May 2015)

Hi Cosmic, does your condition improve and then deteriorate again? Interested to know what the road ahead holds for you, if you don't mind sharing.

Personally, any minor signs of depression I might have, pale into insignificance compared to your situation. I do feel for you.

You have every reason to be down, down to the lowest level possible. Your family are probably giving you a wide birth, which in turn is making you paranoid.

I can only suggest you try and pull yourself out of the situation, and try and be yourself around others - this in turn will i'm sure pick you up.

I hope you can turn things around.


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## shouldbeinbed (5 May 2015)

Sorry to hear all of that, it sounds a dreadful condition to be in.

W00hoo's is such a good post it is worth quoting again in full.

Your brain is as ill as your body, it needs treatment to make it right again too, anti-deps can work well to take the emotional peaks and troughs down to levels that you can manage and not be overwhelmed by, psychological counselling complements this helping you get the mass of knots and interwoven emotions straightened out in your head and manageable again.

Its a fast fall into depression and a slow climb back out of it.

Your loved ones will be worried sick about you and either trying to help but you're not in a place to hear them or at a loss as to how to reach you. Be as open and honest as you can with them too, help them help you.



w00hoo_kent said:


> As said. If you don't have professional help with the depression already, get some and tell them exactly how you are doing. Don't hold anything back because they need to know to be able to help you.
> 
> Anti-depressants can work, but they don't always work and sometimes the side effects are worse than the benefits. The way to do it is to try a few. You might need three of four before you get one that is actually helping your mood and not leaving you so poor physically that the mood lift isn't worth it. Again, get in touch with the doctor that prescribed these, tell them what is happening as a side effect of taking them, ask to be put on something else. They will want to give the medication a bit of time to work but once that has passed, if it isn't working, it's often not worth having. Try the next one, hopefully you'll find the right one quickly.
> 
> ...


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## dan_bo (5 May 2015)

Refer to sig dude. All the best.


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## surfdude (5 May 2015)

this muscle wasting condition , its not just eating too much and exercising to little is it . 

sorry to hear this dude , get well soon . 

the wife is going through a very low patch at the moment and as long as you have got good support from your family you may not know it now but things will get better . 

your wife and friends will just be glad they are their for at this time and i am sure they are happy to be their for you when you need them most.


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## Drago (5 May 2015)

Sorry to hear that bud. A few of us on here are battling ill health reCently, but the team certainly pull together to support us.

Cheer up. When I'm feeling at a low ebb I log on here and read Users latest scribblings, and before I know it I'm crying with laughter!


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## welsh dragon (5 May 2015)

Sorry to hear your not well. As everyone else has said, the CC patrons are always here to help and listen. Take care.


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## cyberknight (5 May 2015)




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## Katherine (5 May 2015)

I hope you start to feel better soon


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## RedRider (5 May 2015)

It sounds as though you're dealing with a lot of difficult stuff there Cosmic and it's not surprising you're finding it hard.
Try and be kind to yourself and try not to beat yourself up about how you're feeling. Depression is very common, it's an awful illness, it's nothing to be ashamed of but it does get better.
It seems like you have a lot of insight into what's going on with your mental health and have identified the need to talk about it to people outside of those who love you as well as with them.
Is there any counselling available through the hospital team dealing with your physical health? It can be good to talk to someone who gets paid to listen.
All the best, look after yourself.


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## Saluki (5 May 2015)

Counselling might be the way to go for you. You will need to nag your GP and keep on nagging. When I tried for some help, they said that I would be seen in October, which in early January, seemed a long time to wait in a suicidal state. If you don't have the wherewithall to nag (I didn't have) get your wife to nag (and keep nagging). Counselling can be very beneficial, it also takes the strain off your family and friends, plus you know that whatever you say, is not going to be brought up into the 'real world' unexpectedly.

Depression is horrible insidious and debilitating. Well done for coming on here for a chat.


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## Fab Foodie (5 May 2015)

Bummer Cosmic.
Can't add much more to the excellent advice already given ..... However, suffice to day that depression in its myriad forms affects a lot of people ... Even the best of us!


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## Simontm (5 May 2015)

All the best fella.


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## Donger (5 May 2015)

I don't feel I can add much, Cosmic, but there's some really good advice up thread. The fact that you are sharing this with your cycling buddies shows how much your cycling means to you. I've always found cycling to be the best possible escape when I've been going through it, and I can't imagine how bad it must feel to keep getting setbacks that prevent you from riding. I can't tell you how much I respect people like you and Satnav, who somehow just keep finding the strength to come back. Every ten miler you post in "Your Ride Today" is worth a metric ton of anyone else's. Keep your chin up, mate, and stay in touch with us all. Wishing you all the best.
Donger.


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## I like Skol (5 May 2015)

Donger said:


> I can't tell you how much I respect people like you and Satnav, who somehow just keep finding the strength to come back


Yeah but, SatNav is just bonkers (I have met her ) while Cosmic is da' man (and has the coolest avatar ).


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## Pat "5mph" (5 May 2015)

Donger said:


> Every ten miler you post in "Your Ride Today" is worth a metric ton of anyone else's.


This!
I enjoy reading about your rides very much 
Hope things get better soon.


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## 13 rider (5 May 2015)

Can't add much that's not already been said . But hang on in there and I hope things improve soon . like @Pat "5mph" says I enjoy reading about your rides.


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## Racing roadkill (5 May 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> I need an outlet, and I'm getting fed up with putting on my wife and friends, so here will do.
> 
> I'm depressed, I've never felt so low. I've been on the receiving end of a most unpleasant muscle wasting condition which has bitten me 5 times in the past 2 years, putting me in pain that I never thought existed, and mentally destroying me with horrible withdrawal symptoms from the essential pain relief. I've been paranoid that when my family go out in the morning I'll never see them again. I have to follow to school and make sure they're safe. I can't sleep, I've got the constant jitters and I'm sick of learning to walk all over again.
> I've tried really hard to get back to work (who have been really good), but recent attempts saw me leaving in pain every day and exhausted, and last week I broke down at work which was not nice. Now I'm on anti-depressants which have some unpleasant side effects and I find myself curled up on the sofa crying like a baby. Can't even give the kids a cuddle without welling up, and finding it hard to even hold a conversation.
> ...



It sounds like you're gripping the pointy end of a particularly shoity stick. All you can do, is keep going. As they say, if you're going through hell, it's best to keep going.


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## ayceejay (5 May 2015)

I used to be married to a woman who had every ailment known to man and then some, when she couldn't handle it anymore which was about 3 o'clock most days, she would start throwing stuff which had an amazingly calming effect on her. Now I am not a professional and there is no way I am suggesting this as a way to maintain a stable relationship but do you have some old crockery that needs smashing?


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## roadrash (5 May 2015)

Here I am sat in my hospital bed 6 hours after surgery, and feel like its nothing compared to what your going through, as already said I hope you are seeking help for the mental issues as well , be as open as possible to those closest to you, its the only way they can understand just how you feel if that is at all possible.

Its reading posts like yours and satnavs and vickster etc, that have given me the hope and determination I have right now, you are an inspiration to others its understandable you feel the way you do, find someone who understands you and you can shout and rave and scream at and let it all out I've done it myself .
Hope you get well soon


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## totallyfixed (5 May 2015)

I ride fixed in hilly terrain often over long distances. My better half is one of the finest exponents of riding a bike you will ever see and we do hard training rides together, but, and it is a big but, compared to your rides they are minuscule . I always read your ride reports and greatly admire what you manage, I am not at all sure I could do that.
Friends are the key thing here, there must be lots of barmy CC'ers in your neck of the woods who could pop by and chat or ride a bit with you when you are able, I know I would, and would consider it a privilege to do so. If I/we ever find ourselves down your way I will drop you a pm and arrange to meet up.
I hope medical science is making progress in your area of need, new advances are being made at a seemingly exponential rate in many different fields so don't give up hope, never give up hope.
Now you lot, start making contact with cosmic and see what you can do.


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## byegad (6 May 2015)

Depression is a constant background to my life. I'm on constant tablets for it, and am fine 99%of the time, but like you I went through hell before I got here. 

Not all anti-depressants work for all people and they all take time to 'kick in'. One type I was given early on made me a lot worse, and if left on them I'd not be around now. I went back to the doctor for a chat and he changed them. 

While referral for therapy can take a long time, get your name down for any kind of talking therapy on offer. This really helped me. 

While I know how you feel, and know it feels hopeless at the moment, it is something from which you can recover. A couple of years after my really low spot I was happier than I'd ever been, my wife and other family were always there for me even when I was in too much despair to notice them. I realise now how much they felt for me at the time.

I still have bad days, but they are very rare. The low level medication I'll likely be on for life means I'm unlikely to slip back into a full blown depression and if I do I know there is help available. Your physical problems and your mental health are not inexorably linked.


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## cosmicbike (6 May 2015)

Thank you to everyone who's given their time to reply, it really has helped. I've had the opportunity to talk to a couple of people who are not related but whom I know at a social level and they have all given similar advice, not to mention a shoulder to cry on (for which I've apologised..)
Each day has been different so far, following my breakdown at work on Friday and curling up in a ball at the bottom of the starts bawling like a baby (with 2 very worried dogs attempting to lick me better, bless them), a weekend of tears with my long suffering wife and 2 fabulous kids and yesterdays real low. I'm still not managing to sleep properly, and today started with stomach cramps and no appetite. I also drove today which was a challenge initially to get myself in the car, but ok once started. Had a great chat with my brother this evening that kind of put a few things in perspective, the World isn't ending just yet.


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## Tin Pot (6 May 2015)

I can only relate through some of my lowest points, not specifically to your situation. 

Substitute "I" for "You" if you want it as advice, these are the things I usually use to steel myself on a bad day:

I will feel better than I do now, at some point in the future
I may have made mistakes often, but I have also often chosen the right path
I may not be the best, but I know I am not the worst
I will feel better than I do now, at some point in the future

I can't tell you how many times it's worked/proven itself over the decades.

I even have some "silver bullet" thoughts for those absolute rock bottom moments - somewhat ridiculous imaginings that distract me from the most terminal actions.

In fact, the more I type, the more I think I should reach out for help myself 

As you say, the world is not, and never really is, ending...just yet


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## BigonaBianchi (6 May 2015)

I'm sorry to hear this.

This may be in hand,or not relevant in your situation, but it was in mine so I'll mention it in case it helps. If not just ignore it.

Your family (and the dogs! ) sound very supportive. They may also be confused, concerned, unsure, frustrated, and a whole load of other emotions. I thinks it may be important that they have the right advice/information as to why this is happening, so that they can support you through it, but also because they need to understand whats happening, so they can be strong for you. Sometimes if those around us don't understand what depression can do, they fill in thier own 'blanks', often leading to ill informed decisions, which can ultimatly be destructive to a family.

Perhaps your GP or whoever the appropriate person might be, might invite them to ask any questions they may have to re assure them etc??

Like I said, this may not be the case here,but it's a thought. 

All the best.


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## Trembler49 (6 May 2015)

The only advice I can offer us to seek a support group with the same condition. In my experience they have a greater pooled knowledge of the situation than any single GP.


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## PeteXXX (6 May 2015)

Another man hug from me as well Cosmic, along with a few slaps on he back for added support.

Personally, I admit that I honestly don't understand 'depression' having not suffered from it, but know it can be debilitating in the extreme. To be honest, it p*sses me off when people say they are depressed when all they've had is a bad day or a few too many bills drop through the letterbox. That's not 'depression', that's just 'life'.
Get proper professional help as soon as you can.

Just a thought, as you say work has been supportive, could HR not refer you to a workplace healthcare person? Are you in a Union? They should have access to similar help.

 (in a manly way, obviously...)


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## Mrs M (6 May 2015)

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.
You have the care and support of "us lot"  and a loving family and pooches too.
Hope things improve for you soon.
Best wishes x


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## fossyant (6 May 2015)

Best Wishes - do seek CBT and counselling as support - I'm doing it for long term pain. Helps you re-focus.


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## Broughtonblue (7 May 2015)

Hi mate
I've thought about whether to reply in this thread, because I'm going through the depression thing myself

https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/struggling-after-long-term-relationship-break-up.175911/

But the deciding factor that has made me reply is, just typing away on this forum and seeing the wonderful replies really helped, and if my reply helps you in anyway then that will be my payback to CC.

Depression is awful as I've found out. Never suffered from it before or known anyone who has so I felt totally cast adrift when diagnosed, but as others have said, talking, talking and more talking (typing as well) was and still is my biggest help.
I too like you broke down at work a few times, and did the curled up on the stairs thing blubbing like a baby and this made me feel as though I was being weak but it's all part of the situation, I also seriously considered the ultimate end, indeed I even walked to the edge of a cliff, that's how low things got for me, just last month!
And here I am now trying to help a fellow sufferer, I'm by no means 'cured' on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being 'normal' I'm probably about 3 now, but the terrible days are slowly being replaced by ok days, I've even had the odd day where I've felt good when I've been with incredible friends. I didn't have the support of my wife as she was the cause of my illness, but you have that, so cherish it and accept it with open arms, your family are the most important people in all this. I say illness because that's what it is, nobody can see it physically like a broken bone but it really is an illness.
I do drop back down, indeed last week was a bad one to start with but I now know that I will be up and down on a constant basis.
I'm on tablets for depression, anxiety and stress, which after a few weeks seem to have kicked in, but councelling was my saviour, just waffling to somebody felt good and gave me something to look forward too. My first depression tablets didn't work so my GP changed them.
I'm actually welling up now typing this as I realise I'm trying to help somebody else where as a month ago I was ready to end it all, what I'm saying is.... There is always a tomorrow, it might not seem like it sometimes but there is, but beware there will be bad days, indeed I could be posting in my own thread soon as I get terribly down still, especially at weekends, but the talking, talking and more talking helps!!!
I realise I'm waffling now so I'm going, but please feel free to PM me if you need a chat, I'm not saying I can help, but I can empathise with you.


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## Slioch (7 May 2015)

@Broughtonblue - You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to read this post from you. I have closely been following "your" thread from day one with deep concern. It's still early days yet I guess, but you seem to have turned a corner and are starting on the long journey back to the light.

@cosmicbike - Your turn now mate. If you're not already familiar with it, can I suggest you read through the thread Broughtonblue has linked to in his post above. It's fantastic that he now feels he can reach out to you, and you will get back to that point too. The key for both of you seems to be talking openly about what you are going through. Keep talking to your family, friends, councellors, and on here. There are some fantastic CC'ers on here who are more than willing to support you & anyone else, and are able to talk knowledgeably and from their own experiences about what you are going through.

Best wishes & good luck to both of you.


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## Scoosh (8 May 2015)

I am overwhelmed and really love  CC and it's members when I read these 2 threads - it shows how much encouragement, support, passion, concern and love  flows around this site. Sadly, it also shows how much pain there is around - but how many have come through it, are living to tell the tale and are prepared to do whatever it takes to help fellow cyclists, many of whom are complete strangers - just Usernames on a forum.

YAY CycleChat cyclists !  - you are tops !


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## gavgav (8 May 2015)

Keep cycling @cosmicbike if you can, as exercise has helped me avoid spiralling into a pit of depression over the past 3 or 4 years. Firstly during my own health problems and then through watching my mum die of Cancer.

I know of people who have had depression and the anti depressants do seem to help, but they take time and perseverance.


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## cosmicbike (8 May 2015)

I spent some time reading through @Broughtonblue thread last night, sounds rough fella, and I hope you stick at it.

Sat at home festering this morning, then had a moment before deciding the bike would help, so a brief pedal out to clear my head. Spoke to work who continue to be supportive, and going in for a chat next week about what to do. I need to get the work side of things sorted as that's what is dragging me down most, just the uncertainty. Once I get that sorted I've just got to deal with the illness....


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## Mrs M (8 May 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> I spent some time reading through @Broughtonblue thread last night, sounds rough fella, and I hope you stick at it.
> 
> Sat at home festering this morning, then had a moment before deciding the bike would help, so a brief pedal out to clear my head. Spoke to work who continue to be supportive, and going in for a chat next week about what to do. I need to get the work side of things sorted as that's what is dragging me down most, just the uncertainty. Once I get that sorted I've just got to deal with the illness....


Well done to you 
For reading BB posts, going for a pedal and trying to plan ahead.
All the best. X


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## Pat "5mph" (8 May 2015)

Well done to both @Broughtonblue and @cosmicbike for not giving in!
Keep going guys, things can only get better for you


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## Broughtonblue (11 May 2015)

How you doing @cosmicbike ?
I've come through what I feared would be a difficult weekend pretty well I feel. It started off with me getting down on Friday but improved immensely over the course of the next couple of days. 
If I can write that after getting as low as I did at one point there is hope for all of us sufferers!


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## roadrash (11 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> Hi mate
> I've thought about whether to reply in this thread, because I'm going through the depression thing myself
> 
> https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/struggling-after-long-term-relationship-break-up.175911/
> ...



Hi @Broughtonblue, i have never replied to your original thread , i have no advice to give,but this i will say ,

THIS IS THE BEST POST ON CYCLECHAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.

good luck to both you and cosmic


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## Scoosh (11 May 2015)

@Broughtonblue - that is a wonderful post, so inspiring, comforting (for those of us who have been following your progress ) and so good to see you beginning to look outward and reach out to others - that is a major step forward, which will help you no end. .

You're going to look back on this time and at all your posts and be amazed at how far you have come - and at how wonderful the CC community is ! 

Keep it going !


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## cosmicbike (11 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> How you doing @cosmicbike ?
> I've come through what I feared would be a difficult weekend pretty well I feel. It started off with me getting down on Friday but improved immensely over the course of the next couple of days.
> If I can write that after getting as low as I did at one point there is hope for all of us sufferers!


 
Ticking along @Broughtonblue . I tend to visit here on a tablet, so read rather than write. My Friday didn't start out too good either, with work suggesting another week off to get used to medication would be best, and I really do want to get back. Probably the thing that is bothering me most at the moment, my work future. Add to that I have a 2 month wait to find out if they really know what's wrong with me, and what the future holds, and it tends to get on top of you.
That said, I had a 'good' day Saturday, and actually managed a whole night in bed, first time in a week. Sunday less good, lacking motivation for anything.
I don't know how these medicines work, but after making me feel like crap all week, what seems to be left is the anxious feelings. I'm not getting panicky as much now, and much less tearful. Wonder if the anxiousness will fade too? How you coping with yours?


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## Broughtonblue (11 May 2015)

I don't know how the tablets work, or even if they do!
I might be feeling 'ok' because time is great healer! But I'm not going to stop taking them any time in the near future just in case, don't want to go back to where I was. I was prescribed tablets for stress/anxiety which I've taken from the beginning, also was given tabs for depression but these gave me the screaming shites!!! So I stopped taking them and my doc gave me some different ones (well he didn't give me them, £8.40) I didn't take them initially, for two reasons.
1-worried about getting the shites again
2-stupid really but I didn't want to take them because of the 'stigma' attached to 'depression'. Me, depressed, your having a laugh were my thoughts.

But two things made me realise I HAD to take them, oc health at work said they would continue to support and help me, as long as I helped myself, meaning I've been prescribed drugs by a doctor but am refusing to take them.
The other thing was after my little foray to within feet of a 350ft drop I had to explain to my brother and his partner why I received a phone call at 10pm from the local mental health trust. My bro made me promise him I would start taking them. That's about a month ago now so if they do work they have had plenty of time to kick in!!

Work future you say! I don't have one. I'm being made redundant on the 25th most likely, but I'm actually quite cool about it for some strange reason. I know I have to provide a roof over my two lads heads and I have some savings that will enable me to pay the bills, all the bills as she is contributing nothing. I also know I have the support of my family if I need a bit more cash in the long term.
I had nearly 3 months off work, feb 11th till May 6th, although I tried twice to return in that time but ended up blubbing within 10 mins of getting there!!
I don't know how you feel about the crying part, men don't cry do they? But I'm 6ft tall and weigh 16 stone, and I don't mind admitting I cried rivers, it just came up from the pit of my stomach, no stopping it even if I wanted to, as I posted in the other thread even in a restaurant with my lads!! Don't be ashamed, it's a natural reaction, we wouldn't do it if we weren't meant to!

Edit: I could have pmd you this but I didn't for two reasons, I'm not ashamed to admit in public that I cry, and we might not be the only two depressed people on here!


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## cosmicbike (11 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> I don't know how the tablets work, or even if they do!
> I might be feeling 'ok' because time is great healer! But I'm not going to stop taking them any time in the near future just in case, don't want to go back to where I was. I was prescribed tablets for stress/anxiety which I've taken from the beginning, also was given tabs for depression but these gave me the screaming shites!!! So I stopped taking them and my doc gave me some different ones (well he didn't give me them, £8.40) I didn't take them initially, for two reasons.
> 1-worried about getting the shites again
> 2-stupid really but I didn't want to take them because of the 'stigma' attached to 'depression'. Me, depressed, your having a laugh were my thoughts.
> ...


 Sorry but the bit about getting the shites made me smile. I'm struggling with the idea of being 'depressed', it's something that happens to other people isn't it? I'm normally a cheery chap so being unable to get out of a 'doom and gloom' frame of mind is difficult.
On the plus side, having a 'good' day Saturday makes me realise that I can be brighter, I even laughed at least once, and maybe that is why this is so frustrating. Laughing one minute, tears the next.


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## Broughtonblue (11 May 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> Sorry but the bit about getting the shites made me smile. I'm struggling with the idea of being 'depressed', it's something that happens to other people isn't it? I'm normally a cheery chap so being unable to get out of a 'doom and gloom' frame of mind is difficult.
> On the plus side, having a 'good' day Saturday makes me realise that I can be brighter, I even laughed at least once, and maybe that is why this is so frustrating. Laughing one minute, tears the next.


So you laughed on Saturday, and smiled about me getting the shites!!! Just shows your face muscles still work, just need to exercise them a bit more
Don't ask me how to do this as it's taken me a long time to get mine working again, but I've learned they are NOT like normal muscles as in the fact the more you use them the stronger they get, the more you use them the stronger YOU get!!

Edit: that was by no way meant to be a 'pull yourself together' post, it's impossible. Only time will help


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## cosmicbike (12 May 2015)

On a bit of a downer today, which is odd as I managed a whole night in bed. Felt really tired and ended up asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours this morning. Really tense, had my first panic attack for a few days, and nearly ended up in tears in the pet shop (thankfully know them well enough...). Not done myself any favours Googling my suspected condition either.


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## Arjimlad (12 May 2015)

I don't know what to say - other than what helped me when I felt close to breaking down a couple of years ago ..

1. Recognise you are ill, it is not your fault and you are far from weak or alone/unusual. Seek help from your GP and chosen trusted friends.
2. Take time for yourself and _be patient_ as you allow this trouble time to pass - it surely will.
3. Search for the good stuff and if you can't find any, make some of your own choosing. I printed off pictures of happy times & looked at them, reminding myself of how it feels to be happy & that there would be more times like that to look forward to.
4. I found I had to discipline myself when I started to spiral down - choose not to indulge the worst thoughts & do something else instead.

Bon courage !


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## Broughtonblue (13 May 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> On a bit of a downer today, which is odd as I managed a whole night in bed. Felt really tired and ended up asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours this morning. Really tense, had my first panic attack for a few days, and nearly ended up in tears in the pet shop (thankfully know them well enough...). Not done myself any favours Googling my suspected condition either.


Sorry to hear this, I really can't give any advice on your medical condition as I dont know anything about it. What I can say though is when googling things like this, we always tend to focus on the worst things we find out, and once we have found those unpleasant things out, we tend to stop seaeching for positives!! So now I make a point of not using Google to find a diagnosis, I leave that to the experts who I can actually talk to in person!

Depression on the other hand is something we can chat about, I'm not an expert or councellor, just a fellow sufferer who seems just a little further down the road to recovery than you are at the minute. NOTE, the word recovery!! You've read where I was in my life, I'm telling you where I am now. If the road im on was a motorway with 100 junctions. I'm probably at about junction 8/9 now. Where when I started I couldn't even get the bloody car into gear!
I've got a long long way to go on that motorway, with lots of twists and turns, I know it's not a straight road. Indeed there will be times when I can't see over the next hill, but I know the road continues, In time you will be following me on this road, I like to think my road will end at a beautiful beach, on a hot sunny day, with a nice cold celebratory beer there waiting for me so I can celebrate my achievement. It's nice to have goals, but small ones to start with, I'm really just concentrating on reaching the next junction still, I hope you will soon be in a place to join me on the motorway!
Thinking of you, as lots of us are


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## DCLane (13 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> I'm not an expert or councellor, just a fellow sufferer who seems just a little further down the road to recovery than you are at the minute. NOTE, the word recovery!! You've read where I was in my life, I'm telling you where I am now.


 
True - but you're progressing. A month ago people were wondering if you were OK and I even searched the list of recent suicides in Leicester *

* fortunately you weren't on it


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## Scoosh (13 May 2015)

*YAY ! * @Broughtonblue - what a brilliant post ! 

You have come so far and we are all so mightily relieved !  Looking outward, knowing where you are and where you are going and helping others with your story is wonderful ! 

Love the picture of the beach ... have you got it cut out and stuck on your fridge ?


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## Broughtonblue (13 May 2015)

Sorry don't want this to seem harsh because I'm very grateful for all you have done for me. But I feel like I'm hijacking @cosmicbike s thread.

I'm just posting on here to help him out

Please if anyone wants to praise me could you do it in 'my' thread please. Relationship one!

Again apologies if this upsets anyone, but someone who is suffering depression possibly doesn't want to feel like they are being cut out

Thanks


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## mooseracer (14 May 2015)

Just seen this @cosmicbike 

Great words, advice and support on here to which I'd like to add mine - well, my support at least...not sure I have any great words or advice!


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## Scoosh (15 May 2015)

How's it going today @cosmicbike ? 

We're all on tenterhooks - and they're beginning to hurt ...


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## cosmicbike (15 May 2015)

One day at a time. Saw my GP today and we're staying on the tablets for the foreseeable future. Looking forward to the weekend when I'll have the family around.


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## Broughtonblue (15 May 2015)

One day at a time is the ONLY way, how long have you been on the depression tablets? It's taken a good three or four weeks for mine to kick in!
Your and your family are the most important things in all this, I know it's easy for an outsider to say, but your job is not anywhere the top of your priorities yet. People kept telling me that because of my redundancy and at the time I couldn't see it. But know I can. 
Glad you are looking forward to the weekend, with the important word being 'FORWARD!!!'

Keep it going mate. Feel free to PM if you want


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## Broughtonblue (17 May 2015)

How's it going @cosmicbike ?


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## cosmicbike (17 May 2015)

On the sofa again last night, couldn't sleep in bed. Otherwise ticking along trying to keep busy whilst trying not to overdo the physical stuff. How's your weekend going, you still sore from the fall?


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## mickle (17 May 2015)

I'm no health care professional but how about this for an idea. I am of the firm belief that you are not depressed. I think you are unhappy. Profoundly, deeply and totally understandably. Unhappiness and the cause of your unhappiness cannot be treated with antidepressants. Instead of seeking meds for you emotional state turn your attention to healing your body - and your mind will follow.


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## Broughtonblue (17 May 2015)

Tbh I've not slept at all well last couple or three nights, 4-5 hrs at most, not sure why.
Sore? Bloody hell it's painful when sitting down! Went for a drink last night with a young lady who I don't really know that well, found myself wiggling and hotching round on the seat, bet she thought I'd got piles or something


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## Broughtonblue (17 May 2015)

mickle said:


> I'm no health care professional but how about this for an idea. I am of the firm belief that you are not depressed. I think you are unhappy. Profoundly, deeply and totally understandably. Unhappiness and the cause of your unhappiness cannot be treated with antidepressants. Instead of seeking meds for you emotional state turn your attention to healing your body - and your mind will follow.


As you say your no professional so how can you say what is wrong with a person, especially someone who you have never met? 
Just because you can't see depression it doesn't mean it isn't there. Your advice is probably the worst advice a depressed person could receive. 
His doctor knows him and is treating him accordingly.


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## mickle (17 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> As you say your no professional so how can you say what is wrong with a person, especially someone who you have never met?
> Just because you can't see depression it doesn't mean it isn't there. Your advice is probably the worst advice a depressed person could receive.
> His doctor knows him and is treating him accordingly.



Because I have family members who've suffered from a range of psychological and mental problems. Because I know that the health service doesn't always get it right. I've lost count of the number of times that I or my family, friends and acquaintances have been misdiagnosed or missed diagnosed. including two people who died as a result. 
Because. My opinion is just that, and there's a high likelihood that it's wrong.

'Just because you can't see depression doesn't mean it isn't there'. Seriously?


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## Broughtonblue (17 May 2015)

mickle said:


> Because I have family members who've suffered from a range of psychological and mental problems. Because I know that the health service doesn't always get it right. I've lost count of the number of times that I or my family, friends and acquaintances have been misdiagnosed or missed diagnosed. including two people who died as a result.
> Because. My opinion is just that, and there's a high likelihood that it's wrong.
> 
> 'Just because you can't see depression doesn't mean it isn't there'. Seriously?


I stand by what I said, I've got more dignity than to argue on an Internet forum!


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## mickle (17 May 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> I stand by what I said, I've got more dignity than to argue on an Internet forum!


Good for you.


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## cosmicbike (17 May 2015)

mickle said:


> I'm no health care professional but how about this for an idea. I am of the firm belief that you are not depressed. I think you are unhappy. Profoundly, deeply and totally understandably. Unhappiness and the cause of your unhappiness cannot be treated with antidepressants. Instead of seeking meds for you emotional state turn your attention to healing your body - and your mind will follow.


 Interesting ,but I am not unhappy. That is somewhat different I think, though having never been here before who knows? As for healing the body, after 2 years I've just had a first (unconfirmed) diagnosis, at genetic level because the options ran out so I was entered into a trial. It's rare, and will be 2 more months until I get it confirmed, so in the meantime there is little I can do to 'heal the body', for fear of getting it wrong and putting myself through 2 weeks of physical agony (for the 6th time), not to mention the strain it puts on the family.
So yes, I think I'm suffering depression. Do the tablets help? Yes, they have taken the edge off, not perfect, but I'm no longer in tears, waking in panic and so forth. I suspect that once I know what's wrong with me, and hopefully how to manage it (for there is, apparently, no cure) then I will come off the meds.


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## stoatsngroats (17 May 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> ... in the meantime there is little I can do to 'heal the body', for fear of getting it wrong and putting myself through 2 weeks of physical agony (for the 6th time), not to mention the strain it puts on the family...



I feel some of your fear, and I understand the family strain, and how this can affect the 'wholesome balance' that we work so hard for. If I can indicate the change in your apparent current status, (when compared to your first post in this thread), it appears there has been some improvement.
Whilst looking forward to a more manageable time may well be difficult, can I urge you to realise that improvements are happening, whichever way they are being made, leading to hopefully, a managed, less painful, and more satisfying life for you all.

I wish you all the best.


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## ScotiaLass (17 May 2015)

@cosmicbike I've just read this thread, so my apologies for the lateness.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time right now - hang in there, it WILL get better! 
How do I know this? Because I've been there. 
Depression and social anxiety have been a part of my life for so long.
I don't take meds - I'd be a liar if I said I don't have bad days, or the occasional panic attack, but my mental health has greatly improved.

I hope things improve for you too - you don't know me personally, but I'm part of that big family that are thinking of you, CC


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## LoftusRoadie (21 May 2015)

Don't really have anything to add but wanted to wish both of you the best of luck in both your "journeys". And this is for both of you but I'm not going to write it on both threads!
My Dad had depression and one of my saddest memories of him is when I came home from Germany to visit him and my Mum - and he was so happy to see me at the train station. Within 10 minutes of getting to their place he was desperately trying to get out of the house as he couldn't stand the mental torture any more. My Mum also had a nervous breakdown a long time ago, back in the 50s.
What helped both of them was getting outside - which is why I think my Mum (even in her 80s now) is such a keen gardener. And it's easy to say "keep busy", but when you have depression it's not that easy to do! Even a little bit. You've heard the Chinese phrase "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - so just see if there is something, anything, you can do to be busy. Even for a short while. (I'm not suggesting this is the only thing that will help.) And maybe then you'll have a few minutes of relief. And I hope as time goes by these minutes will get longer and longer. And remember that your journey from depression to "normality" won't be a straight line - some days will be better than others, but over time (and it will probably take a while) the good days will increase. At least that's my wish for you both.
Good luck.


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## Broughtonblue (21 May 2015)

LoftusRoadie said:


> Don't really have anything to add but wanted to wish both of you the best of luck in both your "journeys". And this is for both of you but I'm not going to write it on both threads!
> My Dad had depression and one of my saddest memories of him is when I came home from Germany to visit him and my Mum - and he was so happy to see me at the train station. Within 10 minutes of getting to their place he was desperately trying to get out of the house as he couldn't stand the mental torture any more. My Mum also had a nervous breakdown a long time ago, back in the 50s.
> What helped both of them was getting outside - which is why I think my Mum (even in her 80s now) is such a keen gardener. And it's easy to say "keep busy", but when you have depression it's not that easy to do! Even a little bit. You've heard the Chinese phrase "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - so just see if there is something, anything, you can do to be busy. Even for a short while. (I'm not suggesting this is the only thing that will help.) And maybe then you'll have a few minutes of relief. And I hope as time goes by these minutes will get longer and longer. And remember that your journey from depression to "normality" won't be a straight line - some days will be better than others, but over time (and it will probably take a while) the good days will increase. At least that's my wish for you both.
> Good luck.


Thank you, very kind words


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## cosmicbike (21 May 2015)

Keeping busy is key for me, but it can be hard to get started, especially being home alone all day. Half term next week though so some welcome company which I hope will lighten the mood


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## shouldbeinbed (29 May 2015)

How's half term gone @cosmicbike, hope you've had a good un


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## cosmicbike (29 May 2015)

shouldbeinbed said:


> How's half term gone @cosmicbike, hope you've had a good un


Really quite good. Couple of days out with my family, and the rest spent installing Burbidge new newels and spindles.


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## LoftusRoadie (29 May 2015)

Sounds promising!


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## cosmicbike (29 May 2015)

Hopefully going back to work Monday week too, and actually looking forward to it this time.


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## cosmicbike (7 Jun 2015)

Not been here for a bit, to be honest I've been up and down. Had a review with the company doctor Friday, went well and got some great advice. Been given the OK to return to work, so tomorrow is the day to sit with boss and HR to discuss. Fingers crossed all goes well, feeling really positive about getting back at it.


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## Broughtonblue (8 Jun 2015)

cosmicbike said:


> Not been here for a bit, to be honest I've been up and down. Had a review with the company doctor Friday, went well and got some great advice. Been given the OK to return to work, so tomorrow is the day to sit with boss and HR to discuss. Fingers crossed all goes well, feeling really positive about getting back at it.


So how did your meeting go?
Phased return to work?


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## The Central Scrutinizer (9 Jun 2015)

Good luck,keep your chin up.


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## cosmicbike (9 Jun 2015)

Broughtonblue said:


> So how did your meeting go?
> Phased return to work?


As well as I could have hoped. Phased return over the next few weeks and then working days only until I've seen specialists for my underlying condition. Really happy to be back


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## young Ed (21 Jun 2015)

crikey oh riley! i must have missed this thread, this is nes to me, bad news! 
how are things bud?
Cheers Ed


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## cosmicbike (22 Jun 2015)

young Ed said:


> crikey oh riley! i must have missed this thread, this is nes to me, bad news!
> how are things bud?
> Cheers Ed


Ticking along thanks Ed. Third week back at work just started, and managing to get a few miles in on the bike too. Putting a lot of hope into next months hospital visit, but at the same time trying to manage my expectations...


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## Broughtonblue (22 Jun 2015)

Keep going @cosmicbike seems like things are slowly getting a little better


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## Broughtonblue (22 Jul 2015)

How's things @cosmicbike ?
Hope you still on the road to recovery?
You know my history, I still every now and again have a blip (down day) but they are becoming very rare, if I can pull myself back from taking the final step over a cliff, then anyone can!!!


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