# the recovery



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

i had 45mins sitting on the trike peddling back words( i do not have rollers so had a cloth raped around the chain for a bit of resistance) one of the kids must have spotted i have had my bike shoes out becouse i have just thought i might go up and down the road a bit and see how i feel 
er all three wheels are flat  and the valves are missing  
pram, dummy, teddy bear, high velocity throw, i am now going to hold my breath until i turn blue and then scream and scream untill i am sick. grumble mumble grumble cant do ewt sodding sat mumble grumble rotten kids spoil all my fun grumble.


----------



## trickletreat (10 Feb 2011)

Give yourself a big kick up the a@$%, and don't push it until able to function without pain relief, we look forward to joining you on a ride soon after


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

trickletreat said:


> Give yourself a big kick up the a@$%, and don't push it until able to function without pain relief, we look forward to joining you on a ride soon after



just turning the peddles, only thing that was a slight tight feeling in the top of thigh half way between my knee and hip but that very quickly eased it is not like i intend to do any riding or anything.


----------



## trickletreat (10 Feb 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> just turning the peddles, only thing that was a slight tight feeling in the top of thigh half way between my knee and hip but that very quickly eased it is not like i intend to do any riding or anything.



Hi Mark, glad to hear it mate. But the kids know their dad



, if we were nearer to you you could rehabilitate on the back of this...


----------



## byegad (10 Feb 2011)

Keep up the recovery Mark I'm looking forward to filming you fall off your trike (Again!) on the way back from the pub at York Rally.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

trickletreat said:


> Hi Mark, glad to hear it mate. But the kids know their dad
> 
> 
> 
> , if we were nearer to you you could rehabilitate on the back of this...



knowing my kids they would take the chain off.. mmm 
how do i know with a _Kettwiesel_ trike i wonder???? my lad on the trice q


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

byegad said:


> Keep up the recovery Mark I'm looking forward to filming you fall off your trike (Again!) on the way back from the pub at York Rally.



i am in the process of fitting stabilizing casters to the rack.


----------



## summerdays (10 Feb 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i thought i might go up and down the road a bit and see how i feel
> er all three wheels are flat  and the valves are missing



Sorry it made me laugh  .... were they there to witness this and if not are you going to tell them that they foiled you. Have you not got any spare tubes?


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

shshsh e bay fast delivery i have a cunning plan 
i will escape, just noticed my shoes are missing now.
my friend will be over later in the week, so if he hasn't been gotten at........


----------



## trickletreat (10 Feb 2011)

You might want to try one of these...as long as it is down hill you can keep the weight off...

http://www.gizmag.co...tm_medium=email


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

trickletreat said:


> You might want to try one of these...as long as it is down hill you can keep the weight off...
> 
> http://www.gizmag.co...tm_medium=email



i think they might spot that, it looks like i am grounded until the 17th as i can not lift the trike out side on one leg(get wedged in the porch) but i am slowly loosing the plot.


----------



## trickletreat (10 Feb 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i think they might spot that, it looks like i am grounded until the 17th as i can not lift the trike out side on one leg(get wedged in the porch) but i am slowly loosing the plot.



May the plot be lost, and enjoy the prescribed gear!


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2011)

the only alternative is to hit the bear i am a cheep drunk two pint and i will be zonked.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2011)

bad night 
a bit better now full of pills  i think i am going to have a nap


----------



## Misty (11 Feb 2011)

This SO takes me back.... bad nights, pain, frustration, impatience, boredom, tiredness like you hadn't slept in weeks and weeks etc. 
BUT, it does get better, honest.... 
I confess I did a few stupid things and set back my recovery - insisting on walking to the shops (about 3/4 of a mile), in the rain, on crutches was probably the most daft. Got into the market square in our village and, being the wrong side of knackered, the crutches slipped on wet cobbles and plop, that was me on the floor AGAIN.
Was rescued by a couple of little old ladies who honestly looked too fail to still be breathing.....
I reckon that was the low point - actually, no, the low point was the look on my husband's face --- as realisation finally dawned on him that the girl he'd married was exceptionally stupid as well as stubborn and pig headed!!!!
Keep your chin up & don't do anything daft.
You'll be zipping up them thar hills again soon.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2011)

Misty said:


> This SO takes me back.... bad nights, pain, frustration, impatience, boredom, tiredness like you hadn't slept in weeks and weeks etc.
> BUT, it does get better, honest....
> I confess I did a few stupid things and set back my recovery - insisting on walking to the shops (about 3/4 of a mile), in the rain, on crutches was probably the most daft. Got into the market square in our village and, being the wrong side of knackered, the crutches slipped on wet cobbles and plop, that was me on the floor AGAIN.
> Was rescued by a couple of little old ladies who honestly looked too fail to still be breathing.....
> ...



thank for that
i have just roused my self from semi slumber depression slothisam. as my lad is home at 3:40 so that will be a big event yaaay


----------



## summerdays (11 Feb 2011)

Get busy planning something ... whether its a trip or an upgrade to the bike or your summer holidays ...


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2011)

been working on that, i think i have been overdoing it with my lad  
the plan, swap the baccetta for a trike, for my lad to ride on the big trip, he will pull the dog trailer and cooking/camping gear split 50/50 i will be pulling slightly less than normal , if i start having problems he can take a bit extra .
i have cut back on my normal 50 to 60 mile distance now 40 to 50 miles with a possible rest day ever forth day but if i feel ok we can do extra bits to use up the extra days.
experiments will have to be done with the dogs for how far they will trot and at what speed and intervals of rest, the best sleeping arraignments for the dogs , i am thinking trike top to tail with a cover over them the dogs in the centre.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2011)

the seen a dank middle age vermin infested street, a man following a hand cart pushed by several rag covered old crowns (please note one is not called Dennis) he is hitting a rood bell and shouting bring out your dead. 
a man walks in to the street carrying a cyclist over one shoulder, "here you are, got one for you"<in a week and feeble voice> the cyclist mumbles "i am feeling better i think i will go for a little peddle" the man from the corner of his mouth says shut up you old git your not fooling any one "i feel happy, i wont a bite of flapjack"
the man with bell "ear he aint dead i cant take him!"
"go on duse us a favourer, he just flopped down in't road in't frunt er mi" <feeble cyclist>" i will just have a spin up to Scarborough" 
the two men look at each other meaning fully, there is a unspoken conversation, look i know he int dead and i know you know i know but its just a cyclist.
ho alight then just this once mind, he raps the cyclist on the the helmet several times to screams of, oooow givover, stop it, that uuuurt, he then stops hitting the cyclist in the groin and hits him on the head, throws him on to the cart and carry s on.


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (14 Feb 2011)

you taking the painkillers again Mark that is one twisted imagination you got there


----------



## fossyant (14 Feb 2011)

Think they must be 'good ones'.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2011)

come and get your pain killers here there lovellllly, only sucked for a short time, look you can still see the writing on them.
also one large bag off de shelled walnuts, i have been cracking them betwixt my athletic butt cheeks as a keep fit exercise, had a go with Brazil nuts but the can be a unfortunate trajectory problem so i lost some but if you hang on for a day or so i should get them back.


----------



## Speicher (14 Feb 2011)

I do like Brazil nuts, as it happens, but on this occasion, it is very kind of you but I would like to decline your offer.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2011)

the time is nigh, <to the tune of the wizard of oz> wear of to see the physiotherapist of Rotherham the wonderful physiotherapist of Rotherham because because because becauseeeee of the wonderful things they doooo, there going to be bending bits and stretching thing about with growing shouts for Mersey pleeeeeeeeeeease i beg you stop whimper.
i will update when i return, with all that bending and stretching i might get the nuts back early.


----------



## trickletreat (15 Feb 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> the time is nigh, <to the tune of the wizard of oz> wear of to see the physiotherapist of Rotherham the wonderful physiotherapist of Rotherham because because because becauseeeee of the wonderful things they doooo, there going to be bending bits and stretching thing about with growing shouts for Mersey pleeeeeeeeeeease i beg you stop whimper.
> i will update when i return, with all that bending and stretching i might get the nuts back early.



Hope it went well chap, and that no physio's suffered as a result of reappearing Brazils.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2011)

prettingggggggg zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz just call me rick ho shay!
despite her best efforts and repeated attempts my leg is not detectable and stubbornly remains in place. totally nakerd from the half mile walk from one end of the hospital to the other, i will be having a half hour of hydro therapy once a week starting in four weeks time  they are obviously rely pushing me.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2011)

yes i might be getting cabin fever but do you think plod will pull me if i ride this around town?


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Feb 2011)

i am back for seeing the quack, i am ok for some light peddling I AM BACK ON THE TRIKE! subject to limitations, addendum, fer-use polity and the risk of Brazil nut re-emergence.
so back to the bliss of recumbentisom.


----------



## fossyant (17 Feb 2011)

Jolly good. Not back on my upwrong yet, as I can't reach the bars yet !


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Feb 2011)

five miles today not blistering but had no problems or twinges only came back because the lad was moaning about being cold, wimp.


----------



## Crackle (18 Feb 2011)

That was quick to be allowed back on the bike. Don't overdo it.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Feb 2011)

19 days,i have now see the xray and the brake goes through the thickest part of the bone two bolts are in from my thy up through the bone into the ball at the end. i am 90% peddling with the good leg and only relaxing the bad one, i did not take any pain killers to day so i would not over do it, the hip just feels a bit odd not hurting just odd. the doctor says it will help it heel if used, but not allowed to put my full weight on it so the trike is the perfect thing and no chance i will fall off it


----------



## Scoosh (18 Feb 2011)

That sound like a great advance - so




and



for that.


I have learned - to my cost - that, if I get impatient and try to 'speed up' the healing process



- it takes longer in the end



.


Please, please - take it s-l-o-w-l-y until recovery is completely complete



....




... then go as fast as you can



.


----------



## fossyant (18 Feb 2011)

Glad you've been allowed back on. I've been told no cycling other than turbo use for 6 weeks - got to let the bones in my shoulder heal (had them shaved in a decompression op this week).


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Feb 2011)

fossyant said:


> Glad you've been allowed back on. I've been told no cycling other than turbo use for 6 weeks - got to let the bones in my shoulder heal (had them shaved in a decompression op this week).



borrow a recumbent, under seat searing, the path to the dark side is seductive.


----------



## n-ick (19 Feb 2011)

Our mutual friend, the Slime- ator let me know what had happened only last night.
Wishing you a speedy recovery, keep away from anything that has less than 3 wheels.
n-ick.


----------



## plantfit (19 Feb 2011)

Thats good news Mark,back where you belong, on a trike, it seems your physio agrees with mine about riding a recumbent, had my pot leg off a couple of weeks ago, told the physio about my recumbent and he says "Go for it" it appears to be speeding the healing process up, plenty of leg exercise without too much pressure on the leg, just take it steady for a while mate

Cheers 

Roger


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2011)

plantfit said:


> Thats good news Mark,back where you belong, on a trike, it seems your physio agrees with mine about riding a recumbent, had my pot leg off a couple of weeks ago, told the physio about my recumbent and he says "Go for it" it appears to be speeding the healing process up, plenty of leg exercise without too much pressure on the leg, just take it steady for a while mate
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Roger



did not go out today just sat and back peddled with rag on chain for 20 mins just to get the hip moving  it seemed to ease it, i will have a bimble tomorrow if the weather is a bit better.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2011)

n-ick said:


> Our mutual friend, the Slime- ator let me know what had happened only last night.
> Wishing you a speedy recovery, keep away from anything that has less than 3 wheels.
> n-ick.



i need a bubble-wrap suit and a Viking helmet and one of those walker frame thing toddlers have 






my new ride


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2011)

ten miles today took a little over the hour no pain just a bit of tightness


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2011)

just back from a 17mile ride 763ft off clime, at a rip snorting average of 8.1 mph. on one hill i was down to 0.9mph but did the entire ride non stop.  the only issue i had was keeping my knee in line with my ankle my leg was flopping out to the left and my brand new wireless computer (the sender bit that fastens to your fork/steering arm linkage in my case, the battery cover came off and the 12v battery fell out )


----------



## Riding in Circles (22 Feb 2011)

Well done, sounds like you are healing well, you have to love recumbent trikes, I got into trikes after a total knee joint reconstruction and the trike riding got me walking again far beyond the levels that the physio's ever thought possible.


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (22 Feb 2011)

well done you 
have you got fairing on or off
mine is ticking along nicely just waiting on a couple of parts then the mounting kit will be built then i just need to get the plastic sheet and try to get it formed
Ian


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2011)

3tyretrackterry said:


> well done you
> have you got fairing on or off
> mine is ticking along nicely just waiting on a couple of parts then the mounting kit will be built then i just need to get the plastic sheet and try to get it formed
> Ian


yes i did have the screen on, the 30+mph dissents and even the 25 ish mph runs are _Definitely_ more civilised, very planted less noise, the faster you go the less wind hits your face, i had next to no breeze on my chest and my legs.

i would have a go with draping the sheet over some kind of former with cloth draped over that and hot/ boiling water, i had a go with the sort of plastic i think you are using for making a hand guard, with a heat gun it was imposable to do without scorching the plastic as it is clear it shows any tiny imperfections, the edging for the screen is redly available at any motorbike shop.
i am all hipper the, s u s p	e n s e, will it work oooooooooow
also the top support can have a bungee going over the screen to help keep it in shape while heat treating it, you probably worked all that out any way but i am sat here with my brain clanging away


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2011)

Catrike UK said:


> Well done, sounds like you are healing well, you have to love recumbent trikes, I got into trikes after a total knee joint reconstruction and the trike riding got me walking again far beyond the levels that the physio's ever thought possible.



can not beet a trike, i went from not being able to walk up the road to the shop with bad lungs, hart and back to being able to do 100miles fully loaded with camping gear in a day(before i did my have a not stand-up very quickly in the road trick), i still can not walk far but will happily sit peddling the trike all day.  i still get nits that laugh and pint (tends to be fat women odd that)


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (22 Feb 2011)

you are not the only one that is wishing it to work i have put a fair bit of thought into this project and if it pays off i will be so chuffed the main thing is all the things i have used to make the mounting kit are readily available just have to use them in a way not really made for when its done there will be pics galore whether it works or not if it doesnt work i may need some collective thoughts on why not


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Feb 2011)

bad day to day, the cold rely makes all my leg hurt  did the ride but it was hard today


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Mar 2011)

did ride again today i do not know what speed but it was a pleasant ride the sun was out, trikeing bliss 
i start hydro therapy next Wednesday, snorkel and flipper time but will the Viking helmet be two ott


----------



## trickletreat (3 Mar 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> did ride again today i do not know what speed but it was a pleasant ride the sun was out, trikeing bliss
> i start hydro therapy next Wednesday, snorkel and flipper time but will the Viking helmet be two ott



Only if you take on the rape and pilchards!


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2011)

well first hydro therapy today, i was able to do all the exercises except one, going down a step with my bad leg, i could go up but not down, like a cow!
i am back next week when they will be using floats on me 
is there some Geneva convention to stop this kind of thing  apparently it is ok as long as they do not ask any questions at the same time


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (9 Mar 2011)

all physiotherapists learnt their trade in the gulags they are never happy unless their patient (victim) is screaming


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Mar 2011)

i can now try to walk! so having taken a few steps with the crunches and can say !"$!^£ "¬£%*$%£ ¬"%( hek that hurts  now the bad news i will not know for two years whether it has worked if not it will be a full hip replacement  thank you nhs rotherham the 12hrs they wasted( 5 of which was spent on a stretcher in a & e being ignored by the staff)between me having the brake and the op mean i will now have to hope and panic at every slight twinge, for at least the next two years.


----------



## Riding in Circles (17 Mar 2011)

Good luck sir, I think you will fair well as you are keeping yourself fit.


----------



## neil earley (21 Mar 2011)

hope everything goes to plan for you and you make a full recovery


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2011)

ho goody i have one leg shorter than the other  i can now walk around a hill anticlockwise, with out leaning  if i could walk that is


----------



## Scoosh (22 Mar 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ho goody i have one leg shorter than the other  i can now walk around a hill anticlockwise, with out leaning  if i could walk that is



I know what nickname you'll be getting ....





... HAGGIS


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (22 Mar 2011)

you still coming Sunday to Rutland Mark


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2011)

yep just been making a gizmog thing efort to fasten crutches on the recumbenator


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Mar 2011)

i ave found a cure for my short leg if i stand in the bear garden, five feet from the front door of the pub at the side of Rutland water, i am perfectly vertical.

in response to a flood of requests, positively inundated, could i add a appendix


have a not stand up = laying down 
recumbernaught = a trike pilot 
pins in my leg = two titanium screws going up through my thigh into the ball joint.
thigh = bit thicker bit of leg
hip = bit at top of thigh that bends about a bit
crutch = extra leg you hold in your hand 
drifting = arse going like a rabbits nose going sideways around corners 
streemer fairing = df rider deflector
peanut butter, honey, banana and cornflour paste sandwiches = moose gooke now band as performance enhancing food
panniers = two kitchen peddle bins and some sports boot bags lashed on


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Mar 2011)

to get all technical, my leg has not dropped off yet! and i can push a bit now but still not pulling on the return stroke, for the thinking impaired leg bit wobbly still.

i am extending my rides a bit now, i am not pushing hard  but putting effort in


----------



## neil earley (28 Mar 2011)

glad your making steady progress , and make sure you dont go near any metal detectors as you will SEND THE ALARMS off due to the metal rods iin you lol ps my mate reckond if there was a zombie outbreak I would be the 1st shot as I walk like one due to having ops to my lower spine!! nice mate hey lol all the best neil


markg0vbr said:


> to get all technical, my leg has not dropped off yet! and i can push a bit now but still not pulling on the return stroke, for the thinking impaired leg bit wobbly still.
> 
> i am extending my rides a bit now, i am not pushing hard  but putting effort in


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Apr 2011)

i have done some hiking this week .5 of a mile wed thur fri then a 22mile thrash today on the bike really pushing for a couple of miles, i feel ok a bit sore on my walking muscles. 
you will be happy to hear there have been no unexpected Brazil nut problems, but a squirrel at the end of the park keeps staring at me with this odd look. 
can some one pleas take my legs for a walk tomorrow and drop them off when you have done, i have even started thinking of shaving them to cut down on weight.
i have been doing experiments with tow rope type configuration, i have a slight problem with the goading whip not swinging freely, so might go to a pointy stick instead as with out my lads towing performance is abysmal.
also i have found the missing valves from my inner tubes, stolen maliciously by the fruit of my loins.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Apr 2011)

doing regular hobbling now,  and riding the most hills I can. I am looking foreword to the Easter trip and getting back in the tent.  if all goes well I should be able to do some weekend trips  
i will require three minions for portering duties please apply via this thread, you will be required to not call me Denice, make 5:30am cups of tea,refrain from eating bits of pig within five feet,  i also require at least three complements a day,  tiffin will be taken at 6:30 sharp,  you will be called minion or you there depending on the quality of your toadying. pay is one pint of beer per day,  as many walnut and Brazil nuts as you can eat and a reference, stating you are a adequate minion.


----------



## byegad (11 Apr 2011)

I didn't know that bears came in pints.


I'm thinking I might be sorry i said that!


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Apr 2011)

not a problem when minced with a sprig of mint sticking out of the top of the glass quite nourishing for the end of a long day minioning. though quite expensive as it takes a skilled man to get one to clime in to the mincer.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Apr 2011)

the trundle on the 16th was bliss and had a good days riding, oodles of trikes, as some point there was beer  nt sandwiches, eeeeeeeeee twas gravelly. sorry slipped in to Yorkshireish then, the riding was no problem the walking less so comments of eee yon walks like a pirate where conman, the bandanna earnings, plated beard with beads in it, crutch and eye patch might have been in hind sight a mistake.


----------



## byegad (18 Apr 2011)

Wot? No parrot. Thas slippen.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Apr 2011)

that is a common misnomer parrots sat in the shoulder, the fighting tortoise was the pet of choice for buccaneers. a kind of active body-armer hundreds of years before the modern army thought of it, as a weapon of terror there is no comparison any one how has faced a enraged fighting tortoise has a look about the eyes that once seen is never forgotten.


----------



## byegad (19 Apr 2011)

I wish I was on whatever you're taking!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Apr 2011)

The monks of the mighty gum "praise his whippet nar'then" have over the spread of time developed a ritual trance/meditation state instigated by a ritual known as flipping the lock on't bog door. when at its zeneth a all enveleping calm floods the devotes mind and body, venting impure thoughts and negative energy in a primal scream of eeeeeeeeerrruuuuuuuugh 
there are many seblime rituals on the path shown to us by gum "praise his whippet nar'then"his grate work of pure thought south Yorkshire passenger transport integrated stratagem, envelops all you will ever need to attain inner peace.
in the book of gum "praise his whippet nar'then" dose it his way by his foremost disciple Heck's like. they are expanded upon and clarified, in essence. 
tha cant go wrong wi a good hot cup of tea down thie, if its fo free bring't a wheel barrow, a big bowl of all bran in a morning cant do thi no arm. 
I follow this path in my faltering unworthy way, it has brought me a clarity of thought and the lower bowel of a 20yr old, I think he is called kevin.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Apr 2011)

at thebike rite event yesterday. done a good ride though the bungge was rebufed to cryes of it is for your own god you know.and a rousing couruse of clingons of your starbad bow when ever i was coming in for a atach.there are no flat bits near here so it shuld be doing me good ha ha ha sorry that was a slightly hesterical even manick laugh.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Apr 2011)

after four days of hill climbing i have had two days rest.
of course when on the trike my infirmity was not apparent apart from lacking  power on the hills.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Apr 2011)

I will unfortunately have to recruit new minions for my trip to york as the last lot were pathetic, they could not get the concept of a chain gang constantly following me! at tea stops i had to feed them, at one point even pre-chewing it  the quality of minions has definitely  fallen, we need minion training classes in schools when i am finely ready to take over the world as supreme proletariat and rise up to crush the bourgeois ruling class and create populist utopia.
today s rid was ok though have been suffering a bit of pain post bike holiday, my next xray is on the 5th so must wait and see how things are healing


----------



## n-ick (28 Apr 2011)

Eeeup ratter!! 
Grand time , thanks for the loan of the crutch, as no snooker cues were provided it came in useful.
If you could sit up a bit higher or use an umbrella it would create better draughting to those looking for an easier ride.
It also might be more polite to offer your services , such as standing in queues , allowing minions a rest.
You will be most welcome on our pitch at York.If it's raining you can keep the rain off and run and get us food.
I have a large kite which will carry you up to 200feet , so that we can get some shots.

We are also building an Xray machine based on laser pointers and a microwave oven. It would be agreeable to us if we could confirm your recovery . There may be pain involved.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Apr 2011)

35 miles 1750ft clime with 18mph winds, i pushed hard for this ride and can feel it doing me good  
I am still working on getting a light trike possibly a catrike with 26" back wheel, perhaps even a tail faring  as a infirm rider I need every aerodynamic aide i can get,  
as regards to recent speculation my leg is neither detachable or contain a Frankenstein amalgam of Duracell bunny and nhs slight second titanium leg bolts


----------



## byegad (1 May 2011)

IIRC the speculation was whether they used stainless steel or Japanned black screws.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 May 2011)

i had a word with the bloke that put them in, there is a chance they will have to chop the ends off as one is sticking out of my leg now you can see it through the skin stretched over it  so could have a titanium nose stud the next time you see me.


----------



## byegad (1 May 2011)

Maybe he just fancies chopping you up again! Can't understand that.


----------



## n-ick (1 May 2011)

Are we 100% certain that they're looking at the right end of t'body ?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 May 2011)

32.6 ml 1700ft of climbing pushing hard with some strong breeze, i was once again contemplating the construction of a tail fairing, but have no experience with fibre glass. 
http://gaboats.com/ have some good ideas or the good old coroplast.


----------



## n-ick (3 May 2011)

How about a tubular plastic cloche?
You could grow tomatoes in there to munch on t'route.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 May 2011)

what cosmic force arrange it so that cyclist with them old fashioned dangerous two wheeled bikes magically appear as you hit the bottom of a steep hill! never just as you crest it on to the long slightly down hill rolling section of the ride and dose having some thing stuffed up your bum make you deaf as when i say hi, how do ect i get stone silence???


----------



## n-ick (4 May 2011)

Aye, Cosmo. You will notice that the pain distrubuted by a hard saddle is directly related to the lack of communication.
This has reached an evolutionary extreme in some BMX bikes where the saddle is actually removed. This introduces a moronic state of non road cyclism and the need to ride on railings and steps.
You will also observe that the constant gripping of handlebars and a rictus like stare at the road surface, in conjunction with compulsary Lycra will also produce such a state.

I suggest your solution is a Burmese puppet mask with pointed facial hair and an insane grin.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 May 2011)

day off today had hydrotherapy and a push around medowhall in the wheel chair. 
i have moved the fairing up and back and it seems to be a bit better now riding in to strong head winds over the past weekend i noticed less breeze getting to my chest. i was only down by 3mph on a flat stretch of road into a strong head wind and left two men on road bikes in my dust, i thought of pointing out i am a cripple but as you all know by now i dont like to mention it.


----------



## byegad (4 May 2011)

Now you've got the metal leg, Mark, are you going to upgrade the wooden head?


----------



## n-ick (5 May 2011)

Eyup Cosmo, could you do a link to your blog please.

I'm sure if you haven't one, then plenty folk would be following you.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 May 2011)

42.6 miles 2329ft of climbing.
been to see the saw bones today i will have to have my bolts out at some point so the bone heals


----------



## markg0vbr (7 May 2011)

on a meagre downer today, i had to go in to work for a sickness interview, the manager accused me of not being ill "we have seen you out on your bike if you can ride that you are not as ill as you are making out" it sort of went down hill from there, needles to say i am not a happy bunny.


I think a call to my union office and hr is on the cards for Monday morning.


----------



## plantfit (7 May 2011)

Been through similar myself, collapsed when on holiday, doctor said blood pressure far too high and I'm heading for a heart attack or stroke, manager tells me to get a cert off the doc and stay off work, didn't want too but did as I was told, went back to work couple of weeks later, manager said still don't look good get another cert and stay off work, did that then he pulled me in front of HR, they tell me there's two reasons why people are off long term, "long term sick or long term skive and there's nothing wrong with you except a touch of catarrh", doctors don't know what they're talking about but HR do?? those that know me know how I struggle with the breathing on the slightest of gradients, don't trust the sods Mark and look after yourself

Roger


----------



## n-ick (9 May 2011)

If push comes to shove, play the stress card. They'll back off pretty soon then, it also helps that you look the part.

Perhaps a few facial piercings, feathers in your hair and t'ferrets on each shoulder would help.

Better still make out you're t' French powder monkey.


----------



## byegad (9 May 2011)

Always a problem when you're off sick. Either stay home and delay your recovery or go out once the worst is over and get spotted. I just hope no one at work reads cycle chat!


----------



## markg0vbr (9 May 2011)

they are all fat, lazy, self-centred, bigoted racist, narrow minded gits. who use sick leave to extend there holiday allowance every year so naturally think every one ells dose the same.


----------



## n-ick (9 May 2011)

Nae problem, Geoff, Dr.Dave and myself will swear that you were at Berwick Bike Right ,
steaming up hills like Lance Armstrong.


----------



## byegad (9 May 2011)

Yes it'll be fine. We tell 'em how well you ran up and down stairs at Bike Right and they sack you. After that no more hassle form the "fat, lazy, self-centred, bigoted racist, narrow minded gits." 

No don't thank us. Think nothing of it!


----------



## markg0vbr (9 May 2011)

as you know, i dont like to let people know i am a bit ill, so i was cheating a bit i was using horse dope. it has taken the shine off the last two rides i have done  but i will not be intimidated no no no come the revelation, i will name names and personally pull the trigger on some starting at the feet and working up with a very small calibre weapon or just use thousands of blunt hat pins dipped in bleach.


well back to the recovery, i did my mid range ride pushing hard, i am not seeing any improvement with walking after starting to use only on crutch the hip feels sloppy like it is slipping in and out of the socket  a very iky feeling (this is a technical term ) i was thinking of squirting in a bit of expanding foam in.


----------



## n-ick (10 May 2011)

Have you applied for an injunction ?

Rumours of your incapacity might have been expanded.


----------



## byegad (10 May 2011)

Maybe you should change your name and sex. No one from your work is going to connect you with a trike riding blonde named Mandy.


----------



## n-ick (10 May 2011)

Possible future as t'bearded lady of Rawmarsh.
Probably not t'only one.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 May 2011)

there is a smidgen of inbreeding in the village, try and mug some of the women round here and you would not survive. the extra toes come in handy for weaving while sat outside there council pyramids.


----------



## n-ick (10 May 2011)

[size="+2"] `Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.[/size]



[size="+2"]




[/size][size="+2"]
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"[/size]


----------



## byegad (11 May 2011)

Oooh! Errr! Kultcha!


----------



## markg0vbr (11 May 2011)

i had yesterday off, going out for a ride when my lad gets home to lift the bike out for me.
i have to go back in for yet another disciplinary meeting! with the head of hr, my gmb convener thinks my manager is a **** and as acording to occupational health i now fall under the disability act as i have bit of string and gaffer tape holding me together, it should be as much about putting him straight as having another go at me.
i will be looking at the calender and booking another meet up ride, when the Bakewell to Buxton trail is fully open or one before that just to have a trundle around.


----------



## n-ick (11 May 2011)

Best advice, put everyone straight and in their place.
Don't forget to pick up your P45 on the way out.

These days you have to bite your tongue
and take the money from the Man.


----------



## byegad (11 May 2011)

Then the good old government will have you to a 'review' and reduce your benefits! Good old tories!


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/246359 the speed limit on this sight is 33mph i hit 39 mph several times! NOT UP HILL 
today's ride was looking at the new barnsly bicycle path.
start in manvers way industrial estate, all of road (apart from crossing some roads) good surface but i found the tarmac/gravel top not as fast rolling as the road, reasonably flat as well i would recommend riding in to barnsly tot pub fer a spot of tiffin then back along to the cudeth link as you get to the end you can jump on to a disused rail link that joins up with the trans pennine trail but is a lot better surface. it would be about a 22mile rid if you come back along the road way.


----------



## n-ick (12 May 2011)

When are they going to 
shoot you for dessertion ?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2011)

20th, the bloke holding it had 5 months of last year he had a minor op and was two ill to sit in the office playing cards on the computer, writing his pub quiz takes a full day every week as well, i think he just hates that i am at home, even if i cant do my job he thinks i should have to go and sit in the office and just do nothing.


----------



## n-ick (13 May 2011)

Yo, Cosmo,
I see that things will obviously be going your way.
Maybe it's time to get out the pointing;
Fickle Finger of Fate.
Name and shame.
I'd go with the blindfold.

Any last requests?


----------



## byegad (13 May 2011)

Also let us know when you have to sell your trike!


----------



## markg0vbr (13 May 2011)

my trike would be no good for you, it is far two slow and heavy. i might get a Kettweisel for riding at a high altitude and i would be able to tow it at the back of my trice.


----------



## n-ick (13 May 2011)

Can I snap your pump in half over my knee ?

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TXlUS5-ag_g

You could follow Alan Carter;


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWbMikrZ91U&feature=related


----------



## markg0vbr (13 May 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/247317
just my short run today a bit wind in places, i was thinking of a cupling bar runing from both sides of my rear axle through a universal joint or a pice of tough pip ie air hose to both sides of the front axle of a Kettweisel, 
mmmm papa smurf reminds me of some one!


----------



## n-ick (13 May 2011)

Eeeup Cosmo, tha's flying t'flag f' Smurfs and spell checkers everywhere.

I find a walking stick or large grappling hook 
sufficient for towing purposes.

Tha'll need a long piece of pip t'reach Byegad.


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (14 May 2011)

i am up for another meet up ride seeing as i missed the trike trundle with the upright trike clan


----------



## byegad (14 May 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> my trike would be no good for you, it is far two slow and heavy. i might get a Kettweisel for riding at a high altitude and i would be able to tow it at the back of my trice.



Your trike is very like my other trike and is therefore good as a source of spare parts for it. There again if you let me have your bad leg I could cannibalise that for the wonky leg of our kitchen table!


----------



## n-ick (14 May 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmo, awaiting your next ride posting.

Gi'us plenty notice to go t'other way.

Tha' might have plenty time on t'hands after next Friday.
http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TXlUS5-ag_g


----------



## markg0vbr (14 May 2011)

next one

going next saterday, bank holiday is weekend after so will be packed with pavement sheep. i fink a ride down in to backwell for some pud might be in order.


----------



## byegad (14 May 2011)

Mark, why don't you install a spell checker and use it? Sometimes your posts are 'challenging' to read.


----------



## n-ick (14 May 2011)

EEuyup Cosmo, tha 'll be a chalnge t'spell chequer. Nae'r mind t'qualty t'is contant. Thee's made lots of folk very hapy.



http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TXlUS5-ag_g

Please let me snap t'pump in half.


----------



## byegad (14 May 2011)

Who's going to rip of his epaulettes?


----------



## n-ick (14 May 2011)

if he's using spellchecker,
he'd better hold onto his baubles.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TXlUS5-ag_g

Can I still snap t'pump in half?


----------



## byegad (18 May 2011)

So with less than 48 hours to go to the 'Inquisition' (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!) have you sorted your defence Mark? Is it going to be the insanity clause (Everyone believes insanity claus!) or are you going to get them to examine your loose screws? In the leg that is. 


P.S. Can nick snap your pump? 

Seriously Good Luck, keep cool and tell them the gory truth.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 May 2011)

the drums are betting, the jumped up twerp will be hoping to cause maximum trouble.


----------



## n-ick (19 May 2011)

Eyup Cosmo, 
my betting money's on t'chap breaking t'pump over his nees.

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXlUS5-ag_g


Go for t'blindfold and drop t'trousers at last minute.
Tell em tha's got minions and groupies.

Tha's got nowt but our best wishes , we can't do burial at sea, will t'cut do?


----------



## byegad (19 May 2011)

If we can bury him at sea can I volunteer n-ick to dig the grave, he used to be into graves you know.

Sorry n-ick but I thought that was a dead good link.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 May 2011)

well the lack of shouting was refreshing, having the lady from hr made all the difference! all very sivelised, they would like me to go in to the main office, in a fazed return still under my sick-note ?? how that works i dont know? any how i am going to run it by the specialist see what he think.


----------



## byegad (21 May 2011)

Good news my man. Now about this spell checker.....


----------



## plantfit (21 May 2011)

They're not called "sick notes" any more they are called "fit notes" the last resort is to put someone off work through sickness, they explore all avenue's to find you work in your workplace first, ie: a phased return, could be a few hours a day for so many days or two/three days a week for so many weeks, or in the case of a manual worker who is incapacitated it could be just answering the phone in the office, anything rather than have you away from the workplace. A case of the majority paying for the dishonesty of the minority

Roger


----------



## n-ick (21 May 2011)

Yo, well done. Tha'll find a different lifestyle in t'white collar world.

Keep a low profile and don't volunteer for anything.


----------



## byegad (21 May 2011)

Offer to write a few letters for them. With your spelling you should be good for another 6 months on the fiddle ,sorry, on the sick.


----------



## n-ick (21 May 2011)

Yo Cosmo, is there a dress and hair code ?

Will tha' be a well dressed man? 


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-y33Uq6HGs


----------



## markg0vbr (24 May 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/257807
bit of a windy day so was doing 30mph down wind at times it is nice sat at the back of the screen in the sun shine,
thought a update was due 
i will be seeing the sawbones Thursday 2nd to have a chat and see what he thinks about sitting at a desk all day.


----------



## n-ick (26 May 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i will be seeing the sawbones Thursday 2nd to have a chat and see what he thinks about sitting at a desk all day.



EEEyup Cosmo, 

tha'll find no difference if tha' fits pedals and 
a streamer to front of desk. 
If tha ' gets 2 rolls of sky wallpaper and 
mounts them on t'rollers, then moving them along
will give t'impression of speed and working hard.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 May 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/260637

todays ride a bit windy again but did have a secret wepon very hush hush................shshsh


----------



## markg0vbr (27 May 2011)

12.983 mph average


----------



## markg0vbr (27 May 2011)

11.852 the last time i did this ride last week


----------



## n-ick (27 May 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> 12.983 mph average



Eeeyup Cosmo, what is the sssshhhhh... secret of tha' increase in speed?
I make it an increase of 99.528 ft/min. 

Has tha' been using a hundred foot punting pole ?


----------



## markg0vbr (28 May 2011)

n-ick said:


> Eeeyup Cosmo, what is the sssshhhhh... secret of tha' increase in speed?
> I make it an increase of 99.528 ft/min.
> 
> Has tha' been using a hundred foot punting pole ?




i have swoped the old peter ross trike for a hand trike it was when feteling this that the light bulbe went ping "why did i not think of that before"
is 100ft a min a lot then?


----------



## n-ick (29 May 2011)

Yo Cosmo, given that the speed of light is 186,000 miles /sec or about 7million mph
and sound travels at 1100 ft/sec, no.

I cycled the Monsal trail today, but didn't see any porpoises.

I did meet a jogger who refused to get out of my way,
jumped off onto a grass verge and fell down an embankment, was that you?


----------



## markg0vbr (29 May 2011)

no i brake for no one.

just drobed hand bike off for wheels truing and spoke tentions setting. 

been in a bit of pain again so no trike today.


----------



## n-ick (29 May 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
yep agreed, chose my lane and the beggar wouldn't move. 
Thinks; "well this'll be interesting, the guys either short sighted, in a paralell universe or just ignorant".
I think he said some kind words before rolling down the embankment.
According to my book the "Edwardian Gentlemans guide to Cycling",
my man with a red flag should have directed him out of the way 
and then horse whipped him ,with a handy horse.

I haven't drobed for years, my nuts might want their tentions setting.

Eeeeh Cosmo, tha' world of letter writing awaits thee.
Every complainant should be well happy.
Disssafissfation guarenteed.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 May 2011)

i did point out to one disgruntled walker that it is a bridleway and not a foot path and they should treat it as such and not block the path, then grumble when a bike rider pings there bell. I don't i just shout agagagagagagr coming through and thump my manly chest. 

peds should be passed as close and at as high a velocity as possible, as most of them drive cars like that give them a taste of the other foot, show them we are not to be trifled with, in-fact nail some sense in to them and continue the ritual flogging until they understand that we,,, the chosen ones, sun bronzed athletic god like recumbernauts rule the universe. (parse for applause and adoration) come the revolution names will be named and hamsters chargrilled (with a bit of garlic (as this is good for the blood,,well not the hamsters blood of course) in this time of strife and wonton hamster slaying things pray heavily on people's minds but they can be reassured that as I will continue to do there thinking for them freeing them to sit in-front of there 97" tv screens eating pizza five times a day.


----------



## n-ick (30 May 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmo, tha' certainly has a way wi' words.
Is there a vacancy for t'council spokesman ?

To keep peds and horses at bay, I carry a portable beehive on my rear carrier. 
In addition there is available honey at tea stops. 

I notice that your antics have been captured on the big screen;

http://www.youtube.com/movie?v=BqtoAXz3RFo&feature=mv_sr


----------



## byegad (30 May 2011)

Too rongs, doe nott mak ay rite.


----------



## n-ick (30 May 2011)

Last time I send him out for fried rice and prawn balls.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 May 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/265255
12.990 average 
i seem to have found the maximum advantage from "it" i have a friend at a university engineering department i will let them see if they can fine tune "the device"
i should get the hadcycle back for the weekend just a gear cable to fit and then ready to roll  cos i am now a cripple like can i now enter in the marathon handcycle race? just for the laugh as my handcycle would not be competitive with the super airo high-tec ones i have seen on tv.


----------



## byegad (31 May 2011)

Whowh thhats reeely gud. HHowe fastte kan u goe? Thinken ov haffing my legge brokin towe mak theee saym proygress.


----------



## n-ick (31 May 2011)

Eyyuup Cosmo, hows about a fixed wheel hand cycle?
I'd pay good money to watch tha' descend.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 May 2011)

n-ick said:


> Eyyuup Cosmo, hows about a fixed wheel hand cycle?
> I'd pay good money to watch tha' descend.



like them penny farthing riders on utube, that could not keep up with the wheel  
just been looking at taking the back wheel out of a front wheel drive lowracer crossing the chain and attaching it to the back for my lad a, back to back, hand cranke tandem with four wheels. just a bit of a problem with the coupling, a old head stock cut from a old bike and a dummy axle, now how do i know with a welder??? mmm bit of paper pen.......


----------



## n-ick (31 May 2011)

Spud likes welding.

He's got 2 dogs that even a bucket of water can't seperate.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jun 2011)

another 38miler today in the sun shine.
went to see doc today says every thing is ok still a bit of a gap in the bone and they cant take my bolts out until it heals i go back to see him in six months.
this will be a blow for my manager as he thinks i will be clambering about in lofts in 3 weeks, the pain i am constantly in is because of the gap, bolts sticking in to joint when i put weight on it and probably will not lessen until the bolts come out but there is no guarantee it will stop then.
so looks like i will be sat at a desk answering phones for a bit. Saturday is my first session of physiotherapy, just think what a state i would be in if i left it up to the nhs and just sat in the house for the past 4 months, like my boss says i should.


----------



## n-ick (2 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo,beware physios, they excell at S&M.

best advice; put on the effects of being in constant pain. 
Stick some drawing pins in various parts of your body and
wire them up to the nearest electrical point.

Tha'll be behind a desk until they wheel you up to crem.


----------



## byegad (2 Jun 2011)

Yo MarkgO. Interesting news. Also good to see the spell checker is working!

Remember the Yorkshire Guide to telephone answering. 

1. On hearing the phone ring, first ignore it, it's probably someone ringing the wrong number.
2. If it keeps ringing, pick up the handset and replace immediately.
3. If it rings again, pick up the receiver and say; "Na' then, what's tha' want?"
4. If they want anything that will cost you or your firm money tell them to; "Bugger off!"
5. When accepting calls from Lancashire be sure to be unhelpful and bloody minded. 
6. On second thoughts, apply #s 4 and 5 to all calls. It'll save you time and money.


----------



## n-ick (3 Jun 2011)

Yep, good advice mate.
I used to "_count up to number 8,
__make them sweat, make them wait"._

Then either press transfer or divert to answerphone.

!0 years in t'office did it for me matey.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jun 2011)

i have been trying to phone work and let them know what the doctor said, they don't answer and no reply to the voice mail messages i have left. they should get some one on the phone it is disgraceful!


----------



## n-ick (3 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo, get in there and phone yourself up.

If there's no answer then leave a message.
If tha' gets someone talking on sense at all ,
then look in t'mirror and check if lips move.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jun 2011)

9 miles on the handbike today, apparently mc donalds don't allow hpv through there drive through" it is for health and safety" er "so you wont me to pull up in-between the cars in the car park and shout for some one to come out to serve me????", "yes", "in-between and out of sight of the window you take orders from? where i am far more likely to get run in to by people reversing ect without looking?", "yes", "well i think it is far safer to come through the drive through where the car drivers cant miss seeing me", "you cant!", "i know it is not company policy as i have been to lots of your drive through and never had a problem before", "you cant, because of health and safety", "well i am going to continue coming through this way", " you cant", "well don't serve me then and i will just sit here", "we will serve you this time but not again", "ok". went to the next window and got my coffee. 
so tune in next time cripple stages drive through sit-in news at ten here we come.


----------



## byegad (4 Jun 2011)

You're onto a loser. They've been pilloried for this over and over again. They don't give a monkey's. 

Why on earth do you want to eat that muck for anyway?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jun 2011)

just pop in for a coffee as it is just the right spot in the ride and adjacent to the cycle path, you just pull of the path and straight in to the drive through lain, you have to cross the drive through to get to the car park.
as you know i don't like to mention it, but i am a bit poorly, i can just roll up to the window without having to walk. 
look every one has got to have a hobby, my new one is puffed up manager baiting


----------



## byegad (4 Jun 2011)

A bit poorly?

You should have mentioned it! 

Is the hand trike because of your leg, or is it just another way to torture your battered little body?


----------



## n-ick (4 Jun 2011)

If tha ' cuts tha ' legs off, tha' could go faster wi' hand trike. Next stage will be a hand unicycle.

I wouldn't go to MacShites if I was starviin.


I've got a" MacShite" t shirt that you can have at York, remind me.

I think I've solved a lot of your problems, anyone who annoys me , I tell 'em 
"I'm Mark Dunstan from Rawmarsh".


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jun 2011)

yes you do look a bit like my granddad  so could pass for family


----------



## n-ick (5 Jun 2011)

EEEyup Cosmo,
not in this Universe or any other,

http://www.disclose.tv/action/viewvideo/7742/From_Universe_to_Multiverse__Are_You_Ready_/


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jun 2011)

yes the hand bike is for my leg???? er well my arms and not my leg, but dose help my leg have a rest when the rest of me is not, we are not separating or anything and are still on speaking terms but now and again a leg needs its space and i respect that! the use of indescribable searing pain can get excessive, with mutual agreement are seeing a therapist visa-vis reducing this.


----------



## n-ick (7 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo, technically we could invoke proof ( by practical means)of you not really needing your legs. 

The increase circulation to other regions would be beneficial.

In the meantime the office beckons, best get a wheelchair;

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu1iND6vtcE


----------



## byegad (8 Jun 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmo, technically we could invoke proof ( by practical means)of you not really needing your legs.
> 
> The increase circulation to other regions would be beneficial.
> 
> ...



He'd save a lot more weight if he had his head removed! and you only need one arm to steer, and one leg to hop, lots of room for 'improvement' then!


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jun 2011)

hang on i am quiet fond of my bits and bobs.
a update on training i have been doing 38 mile rides with the odd bit on the hand bike, 34 miles today as it was tipping it down and lightning, it was like some one was throwing buckets of water over me. 
yet another meeting to see what job i can do!


----------



## byegad (8 Jun 2011)

Look Mark, leave this to the experts, we'll decide which bits you can do without and sort it all for you. 

How's about your brain in a jam jar? You could take it out on special occasions!


----------



## n-ick (8 Jun 2011)

, 34 miles today as it was tipping it down and lightning, it was like some one was throwing buckets of water over me. 
yet another meeting to see what job i can do!
[/quote]

Bygumm Cosmo,

How about lightning conductor ? Tha' could be hoisted up to high buildings 
and wave tha' crutch at t'heavens. 
Thus protecting life and property.
If tha' stands on my roof can tha' repoint my chimney?


----------



## byegad (8 Jun 2011)

Shocking plan n-ick!

We have the technology, and Mark.


----------



## n-ick (8 Jun 2011)

Tha's solar power, wave power, wind power and
Cosmo's patented voltage direct to the grid.

Rawmarsh answers the call for green energy.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jun 2011)

i am having pv solar panels fitted on the roof in two weeks, all that lovely feed in tariff money.
yes it was a bit Frankenstein today as i was riding along on top of the hills, on a chunk of metal, thinking i wonder how insulating are my tyres? i decided to cut the ride short and go back down into the valley. 
experts? er ok, i will believe you, are you sure my head is not essential? how will i ask for tea? and eat my cheese banana honey and peanut butter sandwiches?


----------



## byegad (9 Jun 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit...
> ? er ok, i will believe you, are you sure my head is not essential? how will i ask for tea? and eat my cheese banana honey and peanut butter sandwiches?



You've just come up with some more good reasons for the head-ectomy Looking win-win at the moment!


----------



## n-ick (9 Jun 2011)

just come up with some more good reasons for the head-ectomy Looking win-win at the moment! 
[/quote]

Tha' must leave a bit of Comso,
in case tha's t'queue he can wait in, for tha' bait.

We have at our expense ,Marc from the Chatsworth avilable at York. 
He has been living for many years without a brain 
and has several small animals without heads.
These he keeps in matchboxes.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Jun 2011)

he keeps trying to show me his camel in a matchbox but i thought it was a euphemism and keep refusing, they have some very odd customs out in the darker parts of the bush where the missionaries have not got to yet, dog eating ect.


----------



## n-ick (9 Jun 2011)

Think on Cosmo,
a dog for Christmas means a leg each.

I do some voluntary work and around the ward today, 
there was much hilarity when I mentioned your problems.

Ted, who has a Coca Cola addition 
thinks you should be interned (or was it interred?) and Jimmy, who bit off his little finger
thinks you should be on the ward full time.

I did show them pictures,apparently 
you are identical to Johathan Hailstone ( sectioned). Disappeared 
from the Isle of Wight ferry 
, pronounced limp.
Exposed sir!!


----------



## byegad (9 Jun 2011)

Quoting n-ick;

'You are J H and I claim my £10!'

I wish I was clever like you Nick!


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jun 2011)

[media]
]View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hmVQc91yVE&feature=player_embedded[/media]

wow do you think i can make one with crutches instead of handlebars? with this no one will notice my limp!

the recovery is progressing slowly, only done 60 miles over the last two days, with the weather being bad, so incense, chanting and ritual sacrifice --"vegetarian stile, i torment and terrify fruit before slicing it up and eating it, while dressed in a loin cloth with a carved turnip strapped to my head, you should see the juice "-- are now being employed as you know, i have a gap so my leg is only partially attached to me.

the hand bike gets the old ticker going i clime the hill from my house with it and have to stop for a rest twice  so it might be a long time before you see it on a trike meet ride, unless i hitch it up to the back of another trike, i await the offers to come rushing in.

the device has had a bit of a rethink making it even simpler and lighter, as i know trike riders tend to be keen on that kind of thing as it allows them to carry more fig biscuits.


----------



## n-ick (10 Jun 2011)

If tha ' thinks t'treadmill bike is the future, tha's plenty room on t'ward.

One way of making your handcycle lighter is to drill hundreds of wholes in it.

Removing t'legs would also decrease weight.
Tha' could leave them at home and use them to climb t'stairs.


----------



## Scoosh (10 Jun 2011)

Being a foreigner, I have used many dictionaries in an attempt to understand this thread and I think I am getting there [but where is '_there'_ ... ?].

I have enjoyed the input of 'Job's friends' and have laughed out loud




at some of the (more understandable) assistance offered.





n-ick said:


> If tha ' thinks t'treadmill bike is the future, tha's plenty room on t'ward.
> 
> One way of making your handcycle lighter is to drill hundreds of wholes in it.
> 
> ...



Surely, removing the _wheels_ would make the handcycle even lighter ???

Would the handcycle be as easy to get onto a bus as a Treadmill bike ?

What would the driver of said bus say ?


----------



## n-ick (10 Jun 2011)

Yo, we thought we were the only ones !!!! Welcome to Radio Rawmarsh, 2nd only to Roswell.

"Tha" is verbal, either a grunt,
an exclamation or the sound of agreement.

Removing wheels would indeed reduce weight, 
We intend removing all Cosmo s wheels. In addition to his legs.

I know exactly what a bus driver would say.

Its bad enough going on buses with the great unwashed, 
without thinking of taking on a wheel-less bike.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jun 2011)

Now if i put elliptical wheels on the treadmill bike at cretin point it will be going down hill if i jump off at the up hill bit and then back on at' down hill bits, i will be hobbling down hill all the time. if i take the wheels of the hand bike it becomes a hand sled!, i might as well sit on't tea tray and drag my self along like, dog on't lawn 
every day i become more inclined to believe i am the only normal one, the voices keep telling me but dr appreciable-slant says i don't need them any longer so have put tin foil in my shoes to shield me from them, though i know they are living in the old tin box in the top of the pantry--"I can smell them looking at me"-- .
had a bit of a ride today in-between the rain, it was not far though, i need a velowmobile, if i get one like the go one with the fighter pilot cockpit, i could do the full biggles thing, though would probably have a red one and shout "acshtung filthy pig dog English scum" when some one cuts me up, pop the lid and through a herring at them. i am already designing a solar hot water heater to fit in the canopy of the velowmobile so when i get to work i can have a quick shower as i am sat in the car park--"cant go in to work stinking of stale herring"--.
a meeting regarding the you know what at you know where is scheduled for the morning but may be moved to yesterday at short notice to preserve secrecy, i will inform little boy blue by Currier ferret.


----------



## n-ick (10 Jun 2011)

There was a Go one on fleabay this week , 
went for £1400, did you buy it?

Perhaps you should aquire the aroma of stale herring, 
tha' could lead a t(r)ail of cats into t'Peaks.; The pie eyed piper of Rawmarsh.

I am concerned that I am paying tax to keep you at home. 
Could tha' please detail any refund that I might claim.

I have found some very strong pills in a cupboard. 
I don't know what they do, but tha's welcome to try them.
We are preparing the Tessla cage for York. 
Our last 2 volunteers can still walk (just).


----------



## byegad (10 Jun 2011)

On the subject of strong pills our local news has a report from Marske. Two women and a man were found unconscious late at night outside a local pub'. 

The landlord was amazed as he couldn't understand what had happened to the water he's been putting in the beer!

It turns out that they'd taken some very strong pills after closing time! 

Two are recovering, having regained conciousness, but one woman is still very ill!

So it's a two out of three chance you'll be OK after taking n-icks pills mark, go for it!


----------



## n-ick (10 Jun 2011)

Cosmo, tha's going to be saved by tin foil, buy more;


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDdk70k4bjw


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jun 2011)

[media]
]View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GvtBTBadsM&feature=related[/media]

this is the proper way to get your drugs. this would be fantastic in tow i could through smoked kippers


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Jun 2011)

the reply





Thank you for contacting us about your 
visit to our Barnsley - Stairfoot Roundabout restaurant.



I understand that our staff refused to serve you in the drive-thru facility when using your invalidity scooter. Clearly, a situation of this nature would cause upset and inconvenience and appreciate the opportunity to have looked into this for you.



I would like to clarify that our McDonald’s Drive Thru facility is designed to serve customers using road-going motor vehicles, as defined by the Road Traffic Act 1988. In other respects, use of the drive thru lane by pedestrians and cyclists, in the main will not be served, as on

balance we are concerned that given the lane is designed for road vehicles, pedestrians could compromise their safety. With regard to invalidity scooters, only Class 3 types are permitted to access 'drive-thru' facilities due to them being designed to be used on roads as well. 



Certainly, if your vehicle was a Class 3 scooter there would be no reason for you not to have been served and we will ensure this is followed up, along with the overall approach taken towards you. To further support and reassure you the Business Manager, Mr Craig Scholes, would be more than pleased to meet you at the restaurant, and if this is convenient do not hesitate to call him direct on 01226 289 518.



We value your custom and the feedback you have given us. I trust the above is well received and useful.



Thank you for writing to us and bringing this to our attention.



Regards









*Joe Cuffaro*

*Customer Services Manager*



McDonald's Customer Services Department

11 - 59 High Road

East Finchley

London 

N2 8AW



Tel: 08705 244622







er dose any one reed a letter before they send of a reply ?

i never mentioned a invalidity scooter! i was on a road legal vehicle, not aloud to ride on the pavement or pedestrian only walk ways  INVALID! SODDING INVALID! well at least he did not call me a cripple  i did get pated on the head again today sat chatting to some one on my ice trike  so i must look fiscally challenged or some thing


----------



## n-ick (14 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
join the club, been patted twice.
Dickensian style.
Tha' must develop a snarl and dribbling.
As for Macshite, I'm afraid that 
your cc is not enough to pass through ( unlike their food).


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jun 2011)

i am 70% normal, well my bone density is 70% of what it should be. i am now taking pills that would choke a pig they are as round as a ten pence! had a day no off today and will do a bit of a ride tomorrow don't wont to push two hard i might brake something, just call me glass man.


----------



## n-ick (15 Jun 2011)

Have tha' considered the Wonderful World of Work ?

I know at lot of people who are well below 70%, yet strive
by their hard labour to put the G into Great Britain .

Bygad sire,we'll be carrying out our
own assessment. This will probably begin by
finding out how much real ale you can supply.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jun 2011)

no you can not drop progressively heavy hammers on my legs to test at what point they brake! see i know what you are thinking before you do.
i need about 3 pints of real ale before i start walking properly  and not wobeling allover the place wonder if i can get it on the nhs?


----------



## n-ick (16 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo, 
better still, we have invested in a very large Cody kite. 
This is capable of lifting a small car. 
We were thinking of raising you to the height of several hundred feet. 
We have goggles, which we have blacked out in case of vertigo.
We'll be wearing them, in case we get frightened.

Not only would you be going up in the world, but could take
some entertaining video of the site ,
including your free fall when we cut you loose.
We have a small paddling pool full of shaving foam
for you to miss.
You might get lucky and land on Spud's inflatable boat.
That's the one with 2 arms and legs for oars.

By landing feet first we would close the existing gap in your hip .
Engineer Dabbs , who is a qualified aeronautist will be on hand .
( in the beer tent).


----------



## byegad (17 Jun 2011)

Great idea n-ick, I've contacted the organisers and we can have the arena for 20 minutes at 11am on the Sunday. I asked for a bigger container for the shaving foam, and they were going to give me a 10' diameter pool until I mentioned who was using it. NOW they've promised to supply a slightly damp sponge instead. 

BBC TV want to come, as part of their Emergency Services programme and want to film the whole thing, from the point of impact to the Fire Service hosing down the crash landing site. Bart's hospital want the remains as part of their 'Truth is stranger than fiction' exhibit in the main foyer. 

More importantly the Beer Tent will sponsor the whole thing so n-ick and I drink free for the whole weekend. Mark can watch for free, up to 11.05am Sunday.


----------



## Scoosh (17 Jun 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i am 70% normal, well my bone density is 70% of what it should be. ......., just call me glass man.






markg0vbr said:


> no you can not drop progressively heavy hammers on my legs to test at what point they brake! see i know what you are thinking before you do.
> i need about 3 pints of real ale before i start walking properly  and not wobeling allover the place wonder if i can get it on the nhs?



Ah, _NOW_ I understand  ...

[_empty] _Glass legs do not a stable walking platform make.






Glass legs, with 3 jars of real ale in them (each, obviously



), will be much stronger, better able to resist sideways impacts etc.






... so, if you want to escape survive n-ick/byegad's dastardly scheme, get the legs well filled.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Jun 2011)

hand bike today and meadow hall in the ankle chopper. 
as the Cody kite requires a certain amount of wind, involving a series of kites and organisation the chances of getting them in the air is slim, capturing spuds gaseous ambitions and commandeering one of the big tents might be a plan.


----------



## n-ick (17 Jun 2011)

Ha Cosmo,
thwarted ! Jetex are sponsoring our Cody kite.
Instead of those small jet kit engines,
they have made one enormously powerful Jettex Supersonic Blaster.

The drag of the kite, should in theory, 
stop you from leaving the Earth's atmosphere. 

We will have ear plugs available, as we've no wish to enjoy your 
screams of pleasure at take off or re-entry.
We very much appeciate that you are leaving on Monday,
as that will give you time to sew a parachute.

We have had some interest from local clay pigeon clubs, 
so if you can take a few clays up and strap them to your legs ,
this would be appreciated.

If tha' sees this, then tha's gone up too high;
http://www.geekosystem.com/nearby-universe-looks-like/


----------



## byegad (18 Jun 2011)

OK so we have a Jetex pack that'll get Mark into the air, and to some height, and a parachute, on its way. So the slightly damp sponge can be dispensed with. Perhaps we could include a fly past at low level before Mark's climb to high altitude, I do hope he can hold his breath for this, and eventual sorry, possible, descent back to the Knavesmire. 

All we need is the local Anti Aircraft battalion, based in Catterick, to turn up for some practice and we're all set.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Jun 2011)

i am a bit worried about all this flying about stuff, as i broke my hip from a hight of 2.5 feet, you don't think that it might be dangerous? can we start with stunt tea drinking, the worlds most daring digestive dunk? two wheeled tricking i have a caster fitted to my rack not like a training wheel. 
i think i have invented a new sport, it involves riding at each other screeching to a Holt as short a distance as possible then hurl insults at each other like "may the fleas of a million and one testicles infest you camel" or "by gums haemorrhoids my you nasal passages become itchy at a rather inconvenient time" then wave at each other very fast shout haroooga with a big daft grin


----------



## n-ick (18 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
an Olympian effort. I shall contact Lord Coe of the East India Docks.
I understand he is searching for a fluent and errudite communicator
to welcome foreign dignitaries and comment on the main events.
I think the sound of Cosmo would add a touch of class
and intellect to the occasion.
We have prepared some flash cards for
things for you to identify.


----------



## byegad (19 Jun 2011)

I can't credit that our mad hedgerow recumbentino is wary of a little stunt flying. No sense of adventure these young uns. Now If I were only 30 years younger...

Not like this in the good old days...

Young don't know they're born these days...

When I were a lad you could go out with thrupence in your pocket, go the the pictures, in the best seats, with your girl then have fish and chips for supper, a tram ride home and still have ten pounds five shillings and nine pence in your pocket if you'd mugged the right mark at the start of the night!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jun 2011)

the ride today went ok 58 miles, frightened some chain gangs  i think they were a bit miffed, you know they just would not chat to me , caining along "hi hows do, grand in it" nader nict bupkiss, so i pulled out and left them puffing a long, as we had a stiff head whind, bum ols, i dont think they liked it being over taken by a cripple as when i pulled up at the red light at the end of the road they all went straight through it on to the main road, most without looking . as the back end of the ride, i was going past riders like they were stood still!  
going on todays performance i think i might be up for some ramp jumping, at york i wont to do the barrel role jump from 007 film man with the golden gun, i am some times mistaken for a secret agent by the people that live in my sock draw, the ones in my knicker draw think i am a god, it can be a bit embarrassing but i like the adulation as it gives me a boost in the morning, is this wrong?


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jun 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/285510 nice ride


----------



## n-ick (20 Jun 2011)

Kerpow..whack...Cosmo 007?
Holy handcycle Batman.
Is Cosmo God?

We have changed plans,
barrel roll over a pit of your 
flaming socks and knickers.

Legal employment sought for 
char grilled invalid, anything considered.
Long distance trike courier experience.

Include your little gem on tha' cv.
"every day i become more inclined to believe i am the only normal one, the voices keep telling me but dr appreciable-slant says i don't need them any longer so have put tin foil in my shoes to shield me from them, though i know they are living in the old tin box in the top of the pantry--"I can smell them looking at me"-- ."


----------



## BenM (21 Jun 2011)

if anyone wants to play with towing a trike with a Cody kite... I have two which would do the job (one about 4' high when stood on end, the other about 6')... all we need is an air field to play on. The airfield would also provide a good proving ground for the "get Cosmo cosmic" project aka jetex packs 

FWIW Codys are great lifters but not so hot at linear movement.

So does anyone have a spare airfield in their back pocket? or perhaps hidden in the bottom of a single left hand pannier somewhere?

B.


----------



## Scoosh (21 Jun 2011)

BenM said:


> if anyone wants to play with towing a trike with a Cody kite... I have two which would do the job (one about 4' high when stood on end, the other about 6')... all we need is an air field to play on. The airfield would also provide a good proving ground for the "get Cosmo cosmic" project aka jetex packs
> 
> FWIW Codys are great lifters but not so hot at linear movement.
> 
> ...



At the bottom of the left side-pocket of my Nelson (Longflap, of course




) there are a couple of possibilities North of Oop North :

- this one is combined with Nimrod and Concorde

- this one isn't


----------



## n-ick (22 Jun 2011)

Normail service will be rezumed when Cosmo gets back from York.
In the meantime here's a short film,
 which shows him unable or unwilling to cross a giant red snake .
where did these dots come from?

View: http://www.vimeo.com/25462559


About 3mins in will find him crushing the giant red python of Eyemouth.


----------



## byegad (22 Jun 2011)

n-ick said:


> Normail service will be rezumed when Cosmo gets back from York.
> In the meantime here's a short film,
> which shows him unable or unwilling to cross a giant red snake .
> where did these dots come from?
> ...




With his under seat pulley no less!


----------



## Scoosh (22 Jun 2011)

n-ick said:


> Normail service will be rezumed when Cosmo gets back from York.
> In the meantime here's a short film,
> which shows him unable or unwilling to cross a giant red snake .
> where did these dots come from?
> ...




Lovely video and interesting camera work/positions.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jun 2011)

Yo,
thanks to Jase, who not only films,
but organizes the excellent Bike Right events.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jun 2011)

Plan B; 

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V96-kvbZwQk


I've got a large freezer.
Frozen for 100 years . 

Time enough to grow a new hip and be a superhero\Godlet.
Cosmo could sharpen up his bike pump, as a sword stick.

You lay him down Geoff, I'll measure.
If he's too long we'll cut a bit off.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jun 2011)

i am back home, now a sun-bronzed Greek god. had a good week touring, landing at York rally on Friday after a fast ride from grassing ton 
there was a bit of a problem with the stunt i was waiting at the hot air balloon launch but the rest of the team could not get out of there pits! i wiil be up loading the logs from some of the biger rides i did including the famouse day of the hills with a semi broken derailer cable while shedding spokes, you will be shocked, amazed and dlighted by the story of byegad how is able to take part in a organised ride intermittently he sets of with every one but just sort of turns up here and there.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jun 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293741
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293743
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293744
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293740
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293737
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293732
some of my rides this week, er home to skipton might be rethought a bit


----------



## byegad (28 Jun 2011)

Mark is not telling the whole truth! The balloon was there on Sunday Morning and he was nowhere to be seen I think he was inside the Minster claiming sanctuary.

The race ride I was partly part of was one I'd done before at York, but never at that pace. I know for a fact that several other riders were 'lost'. At least I was back on the Knavesmire at the same time as the leader, thanks to a bit of creative routing on the way back!

Thanks to Mark for persuading my Garmin to do the job!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jun 2011)

i will lone you the tin box from off my pantry, they are very good with the technical stuff, the constant chatter can be instructive at times but it always starts drifting toward mayhem and world domination. Ponting out in a clear assertive manner the device is hilly likely to receive a sound thrashing if it dose not do as it should some times helps as well.

as you can see from the track of the ride it was at a very sedate pace, but instead of a sweeper they wear using the bolt gun on straddlers so people just tended to jump over hedges or lay down in ditches if they dropped back, having the track log and ride sheet in-front of me i am convince they have nothing to do with each other, they were a bit esoteric to say the least.
"At least I was back on the Knavesmire at the same time as the leader, thanks to a bit of creative routing on the way back!" perhaps this was more to do with you ability to track real ale by sent rather than the nagging box 

i think it is time to start sorting out my difference in leg length re the trike so i will have to look in to getting a 1/2" shorter crank on my left side or a built up peddle, also possibly elliptic chain rings on the 24t and the 42t.


----------



## n-ick (28 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
easier to cut a bit of tha' leg.

Are you the Alien Brain from Planet Arous?
http://www.blinkbox.com/Free/Movie/23007/The-Brain-From-Planet-Arous

Don't recall much about York, everything went fuzzy after the 5th pint.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jun 2011)

e bay 350472193804
for the chariot of fire sticker, people were asking where to get them.

i dont think i would like to cut a bit of my leg, i might go to one of them foot shops where the fish nibble on your feet but only put the long one in an see if they shave some off


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jun 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmo,
> easier to cut a bit of tha' leg.
> 
> Are you the Alien Brain from Planet Arous?
> ...



the good old b move, cave men with broad new York ascents, dialogue never to be forget-on "our weapons are useless against it", "the nukliomiter is picking some thing up"


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jun 2011)

had to day off bit of pain  i will have a rid tomorrow nice and steady.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jun 2011)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/j_crosby/5877458085/in/set-72157627061196030/lightbox/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/j_crosby/5878029150/in/set-72157627061196030/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/j_crosby/5877473385/in/set-72157627061196030/lightbox/
some pictures of weird bikes


----------



## byegad (29 Jun 2011)

Mark do you have a log of the Saturday ride? I'd like to compare it to some of my local rides.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jun 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/293744
i get a average speed of 11.5 over 33.8miles


----------



## byegad (29 Jun 2011)

Yes. Not a bad pace for a Slow/Medium ride when you factor in the number of stops on the way out. Zero! 

I'll be going on another route next year, even if I have to plan it myself.


----------



## n-ick (29 Jun 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
question on the street is;

"is there a recovery ?"


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jun 2011)

well i had my first physiotherapy session today and had some twinges, still keeping up with the exorcise and i go and get mesured for my leg longer thingy it is sort of a strap on, thing to make my short leg not my short leg but the same as my not short leg.........er i think. i did a bit of stick free walking at york and things are slowly getting better, and keeping my fingers crossed that it is going to join up.


----------



## byegad (29 Jun 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit...still keeping up with the exorcise ...edit...



Well that should chase the demons away!


----------



## Loopa (29 Jun 2011)

I believe a full recovery is possible . The dog in this video had a similar injury, and look at him now.. http://www.youtube.c...h?v=roJzWYiXFtg


----------



## n-ick (29 Jun 2011)

Foiled again!
I recognize that dog,
it's Spud in a dog suit.


----------



## n-ick (30 Jun 2011)

Will tha' be on strike today ?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Jul 2011)

i was not on strike if any thing i was hard at it sorting out trikes and bikes.
did the hr occupational health thing again, she says under the disability act, they need to make reasonable adjustments, light office work ect.
she says i have been very fortunate that they did not do a hip replacement as at the level of osteoporosis i have the out come would at best not been good at worst a disaster, i now have to see if i join up by December, if i do not and need a new hip i might have a two year run--(ha ha)-- up to it for my bone density to reach acceptable levels.

i am now going to oil my chain again and see if i can get my gears 100% spot on, i keep getting the odd skip on one of the high gears so i might have a worn ring, i cant see any thing but have a new set on the way, when i get is i with compare them and see. if not i will replace the quick link with one of them pins that you snap, it is a new chain only done about 2.5k miles, i have replased the cable, it was starting to go inside the changer, something i have not seen on a trigger shifter before, the twist grip was eating the end of cables at one every three to six months.


----------



## n-ick (1 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
light duties, mmmm.... that sounds just the ticket.

Mind they don't replase you.

Did you catch up with the lost property at York ?

A small brain in a jar was handed in. 
When linked up to a radio, 
it kept saying, "strudel" and "short leg".


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Jul 2011)

not mine, i can still hear the voices and have no problem asking for a cup of tea!
as you all know i dont like to mention it but i have a bit of a infirmity, so was trundling around medow hall, not as fast as on the wheel chair. 

i have just been going through my logs my first day of the trip was over 70 miles, over 6500ft of climbing, at a average of just over 10 mph, with a full load of camping/cooking gear and as you know i don't like to harp on but i have a slight infirmity!


----------



## n-ick (2 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
diagnosed !

I notice that in Bladstock's " Travel by Velocipede 
and Tramp Steamer to Upper Eygpt and Yorkshire",
that he found several instances of natives hearing the voices. 

This he ascribed to " Insanitie and shortening of one legge". 

His cure was the application of leeches and dog bites to the affected area.
Search treatment immediately.

Think of the ladies sir, the orphans and the horses, sir.
Spare yourself further distress.

Note, that your local animal supplier might have a solution;
http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TduyHQEFusc


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jul 2011)

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YpEInraEm0&feature=related


i will stick with the tinfoil and insanity repellent i make, from a old recipe passed down through the ages.
1lt of cider 0.5lt stale urine, 18 cloves of garlic, sprayed on 5 times a day and loud incomprehensible rambling.


----------



## n-ick (2 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
wise wordz mate.

I note however in Bladstock's
" I married Three Hottentots" ,
that he accounts voices as being "the result of excessive speed.
Eyes watered, hair loss by air friction has been found in Yorkeshire
and a loosening of moral fibre being also associated 
with travel in public places above 11mph.".

I would advise that the use of leeches to the legs 

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YpEInraEm0&feature=related


whilst trikanaughting would ammeliorate these effects 
and might indeed ,with daily purging bring your
RECOVERY to a swift conclusion. 

It would also draw attention to your incapacity 
and allow young ladies to turn away
from your bronzed leeched magnificance.


----------



## byegad (2 Jul 2011)

I think he will make a full recovery. I have the paperwork here to get it started.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jul 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/298325 today's ride


yes my sun-bronzed Greek god like body can be viewed powering along all gleaming muscles, flashing smile, with a astonishingly massive lack of leaches. 
i got my new cosset today and as far as i can work out there is absolutely no wear on the old one after wearing out two chains! so i have been library applying oil to the chain and things have calmed down some, i will have to keep a eye on it.

with the sun coming out the morons have been out to day Australopithecus man is a live and well living in doncaster, lots of d**K h***s showting from cars, i would love to move to Holland or preferably a nice part of Germany. is there a opening for a professional velomobile reviewer?

i have booked for the august rally, i am looking riding down in three days and back the same, so will have to get in to training and do some hard rides to build my self up or ride with one of the brakes on, i think some one told me he did that a lot but cant remember how?
i still have not heard any thing about trading my high racer in against a fast trike, i had some phone conversations and emails but every thing has gone silent.


----------



## n-ick (3 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
we have the very cure all. This is from Bladstock's 
last work " Sleeping with Lions".
In which he details treatment to his remaining leg;

"Wrap yourself in Aluminum foil 
and lay down in a dark room. By means of rope,
hang bricks from your feet and ensure
your cosset is adjusted, 
so that you may breathe only with difficulty.
Should you still hear the voices, 
apply hot oil to the knees."

There sir,seek no futher assistance.

I have a dead frog and an old toothbrush 
that I would happilie trade for your bicycle.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jul 2011)

what kind of frog? if it is the variegated long eared cartwheeling frog and if it is still........ juicy, i would have to give it a lick to test this though.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
too late , 
have accepted a better offer on the frog. 

However, I can offer you TOBY, the educated cockroach.
Able to count to ten, tells the time ( 'till 10 o'clock).

Able to identify and react by feigning death ,
various household ephemera; bugspray, sole of boot, flyswatter.
I am teaching him to spell, his results are
somewhat better than your attempts;
accept defeat.

Think of the ladies and the poor orphans, 
consider your action.

Beist washes fruom TOBY.


----------



## 3tyretrackterry (4 Jul 2011)

what august rally is this Mark Mildenhall?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jul 2011)

yep, all booked, i will be looking at the map soon for camping/pub diner, real ale locations.
i have not been to this one but have had good reports, i have not see any proper bikes on the photographs of past events?

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/301660
http://ridewithgps.com/trips/301661
the last two rides, today i was a bit lacklustre.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jul 2011)

it is ok i just found some!


----------



## Speicher (4 Jul 2011)

You found some of the lustre that you were lacking? Where was it? Can you send me some please.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jul 2011)

had a look at the log it was 22mile ride today with 1450ft of claiming, i was just bimbling along as i was feeling a bit of pain in the hip --"as you know i do have a slight infirmity but i don't like to talk about it"-- but still did 13 mph average  
there was a bit of lustre in the bottom of the tube the kids always squeeze from the middle, got the rolling pin out and started from the bottom and got a good dollop, this of course is the new eu regulated lustre, a paile imetation of what my dad could get when he was working for the ncb, that was industrial strength lustre, slap a bit on and you were like a Duracell bunny all day.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jul 2011)

http://www.varnahandcycles.com/video/Hybrid Tandem.mpg


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IRqt1bjx5c



video of my handbike, well not my handbike but the same make.
very handy--"ha ha!"-- for fizzing around medowhall as long as i don't go mad and a hell of a lot easer than the wheel chair! it fits in the lfts as well when i lift the crank.


----------



## byegad (6 Jul 2011)

So is yours electrified Mark?


----------



## n-ick (6 Jul 2011)

Sounds like it's powered by Mentos in Coke;

"for fizzing around medowhall as long as i don't go mad"

Latter premise, I fear too laate.

We could assist in electrification,
perhips start with a chair.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jul 2011)

no, no electric.
the one in the vid is having a motor fitted.
had another trip to meadow hall today, i like the shiny floors as it had been raining the roof leaks here and there, did a 180 to much appreciation of some people. i reckon if i got my trice in there i could hit some rely impressive speeds as there is next to no rolling resistance!


had a bit of a play with the toe in as it was off a bit and found the rear axel was in the wrong way around i have it at about 1.5mm now with the durano tyres this seems to be ok, i can get up to a hefty clip on the flat for short bursts. i got up the hill at the end of my road today with out stopping, very slowly but got there.
i can go places on the hadbike i would not have a chance with on the trice just put a cruch on the back and no one says a thing, it would be interesting to see if i can get on a train with it, i could have day trips in york or leeds then. 

i have had two days off the q after my last physiotherapy, as my hip is very painful so will have a ride tomorrow,


----------



## Speicher (7 Jul 2011)

The tandem in your first clip, Mark, looks like it has a powerful unit on the back.


----------



## byegad (7 Jul 2011)

Where can I get one like that?


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jul 2011)

Speicher said:


> The tandem in your first clip, Mark, looks like it has a powerful unit on the back.



apparently they are off the shelf items in Canada, but they are expensive and run on new shoes, make-up and curtains, i think it works out at about £25.34.000020036941 per mile this is just a rough and ready calculation.
there is talk of doing a travel version, with a inflatable stoker.


----------



## Speicher (7 Jul 2011)

No wonder the shorts are so short, if no allowance is made for clothes. Or does she make her own clothes out of curtains? 

I think your calculations of the expenses per mile may have been mistakenly based on the exchange rate on 1st July 2011. It has increased by 00.00034% since then. Please submit a revised figure.


----------



## Speicher (7 Jul 2011)

Vis a vis the inflatable stoker. I hope they have taken into account the NasRegs (Air Travel) section 92 para 3b, when designing the gas wot the stoker will be inflated by.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jul 2011)

i think i would prefer to be on the back of the other varna tandem, with that motor.


http://bike-on.com/product/varna-tandem-hybrid-handcycle-559.htm


----------



## Speicher (7 Jul 2011)

If a young lady is sat on the front of the one on the right of that link, and you are sat at the back, you will not be able to see where you are going.

 

You could easily be led astray.


----------



## byegad (7 Jul 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> apparently they are off the shelf items in Canada, but they are expensive and run on new shoes, make-up and curtains, i think it works out at about £25.34.000020036941 per mile this is just a rough and ready calculation.
> there is talk of doing a travel version, with a inflatable stoker.



Knowing my luck it would develop a puncture and go d...... On second thoughts, complete this one yourselves.


----------



## n-ick (8 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I admire your explorations with the handcycle
and stokerism.

However I am still awaiting news of THE RECOVERY.

There must be a plethora of information on
self cure , Voodoo,
elixiars and prosthetic implements.
I know of a Romany healer, who for a good price
will also tarmac your drive.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jul 2011)

just physiotherapy i am having my third day off the trike for pain and discomfort after Wednesdays class, feels like i have ground glass in the joint and the entire leg is very tender.

i did a couple of miles on the "siege engine", the tweek with the toe in seems to have improved speed, on the flats i am as fast as a wobely bike down hills are a blast but get the adrenalin going a bit with being so high up and a delter i have to remember to brake for the bends! this is some thing alean to me i just normaly leen out on the q and let the back drift out a bit, i need a lap strap to do that on "siege engine" or them love handles trice put on there hard shell seats. if i get a coupler on the back i can get a elite athlete i know, with a ketwisle to hook on the back and give me some help up the hills, i under stand if i hang a bacon sandwich on the back of my seat his turn of speed would be increased.


----------



## n-ick (12 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
Is there word of RETURN TO WORK?
There must be something useful that you can do with a short leg?
Cricket?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jul 2011)

working hard, on both trikes, the hand trike is fantastic for running about the town, it is like doing a 5 mile ride to go the .8 of a mile to the shops. arms like Arnold, so can recommend them, also i have now fitted lights with a bit of ingenuity.


----------



## Speicher (12 Jul 2011)

I find that a bit of panache is more effective than ingenuity. Not least because it is cheaper and can be bought in larger tubs. 

You might well be able to recommend your local shops, but I consider that they are a tad too far away from here.


----------



## byegad (13 Jul 2011)

The problem is that the cost of panache has gone up while the quality of the product is not what it used to be. Whereas ingenuity is cheaper now than it has ever been and better quality than previous supplies.


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmao,
tha' tins must be building up. 
Add a tin of ELBOW GREASE for the RETURN TO WORK.

Will the stockmarkets recovery?
Will there be questions in t'big House?


----------



## byegad (13 Jul 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmao,
> tha' tins must be building up.
> Add a tin of ELBOW GREASE for the RETURN TO WORK.
> 
> ...



He'd be better buying a dikshonhairey.

I suspect you are being cruel with your subtle reference to the W word. 

W*** is the curse of the drinking classes.


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2011)

Wodka ?


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Jul 2011)

we are the tikeists how say ca------carrr, ca------carrr , arrrrg you have uttered the sacred word we must not hear. 
hip class again today so no trice but i did have a go on the handbike. i am hoping i do not have any pain again this week as i was off the trike for three days!


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2011)

We have a vooodoooo doll, curiously similar to Cosmao,
can send pain upon request.
Any preforance?


----------



## byegad (13 Jul 2011)

Not Wodka, WORK. 


Ah! Now I'll get moderated out of existence! 

Look what you made me do.




Cosmo, please note I didn't mention RETURN TO WORK.


That's twice, I'll have to adopt an alias to get back on the site.


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2011)

Cosmao, I have the very thing to save you, a change of faith;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14135523

This will without doubt add some 
credence and pesto to your resume.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Jul 2011)

when on the hand bike today, i was challenged by a woman pushing a teen age girl around in a wheel chair, she wanted to know why i was wearing a helmet?


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2011)

No doubt that your Viking helmet
with horns at each side will cause
some alarm, let alone the rapping 
and pillerging.

Have you received
Danegeld from the residents ? 
Knock on each door and ask.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Jul 2011)

it was a bit funny as the teen age lass int' chair said "no way mum i would not wear a silly plastic hat!"




http://www.justmobility.co.uk/smallads/Details.asp?Id=SA000763&StartPoint=760
http://forum.spinal....?g=posts&m=7371
if i get another one i could breed them! i have had a of people in chairs admiring the bike and saying they think it is a fantastic thing, for getting out and about far better than a chair, believe me trying to push a standard chair around on the pavement just up the road to the shops is a non starter.
so when they ask me what they cost --"£1900, in the uk, about the same as a light chair, or a mid range mobility scooter."-- they blanch a bit and say that's a bit steep.


----------



## n-ick (14 Jul 2011)

Cosmoa,
tha could become a wheeler dealer
nd supplier to the great unwashed.

T'helmet could be your usp;

http://www.play.com/Gadgets/Gadgets...tml?_$ja=tsid:11518|cat:14819063|prd:14819063


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Jul 2011)

the Viking helmet with horns, is a fallacy they wear bronze, Ian and leather slightly cone shaped with a nose and neck-guard. 
this helped trajectory and accuracy when fired at the enemy from the giant blow pipes, the idea for which was copied from a early Greek design used for fiering sheep and verius other anemals, entrails at the enamy, which is still celebrated and worshiped, today on the revolving olter called, "hooooogglagggg erhuhuhuhu bliggggering ing" after 12 pints of waterd down lager.


----------



## n-ick (15 Jul 2011)

If you can't get emergency mental assisatnce, 

then som ewize words from Nick;

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGIRUQc3Lwk


Hopefully with our recommendations 
you should be on the road to
RECOVERY and 
WORK.

I think that a wedge of hard cheese 
in you shoe would be handy.


----------



## byegad (15 Jul 2011)

How do they wear Ian? And what has he done to deserve it?


----------



## n-ick (15 Jul 2011)

It's a Lady Gaga thing , wearing meat thing.
Basically they caught and sliced up an Ian.

If you were lucky you got to wear a decent bit. 

The backside wasn't popular 
as it looked like you were running away.


----------



## n-ick (15 Jul 2011)

Here is rare footage of a Viking called Ian.
As you can see he is meatless.


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHnnJ_dlfRo


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jul 2011)

within 45 chains of park gate, we are still allowed to demand a suspected Viking show us the label of his underpants, you are not allowed to carry more than five herring in your vest on Tuesdays and cleaving of futtocks can only be done with a letter giving you permission from your mum, and in sight of Stewart.

ian is named after i'anson or "very attractive to dogs" by the people of his village, from the Norse mythology, i'anson was a bit of a chap, he used thin strips of bone and cartilage woven together mixed with tree sap/resin to make the first carbon fibre like materiel, the primitive methods used of course did not match today version --"though pre-dating it by several weeks"-- and the smell of slightly rotting bone, sinew was apparently a bit of a drawback. 
this ultra light tough material revolutionised the Viking civilisation, they were the first to invent the nose clip, i'anson long boat dash board panels making them lighter and faster, a recently discovered, i'anson shield could also have been used as a wheel on one of his fighting chairs, this devise was much feared through out Christendom, if unleashed with a berserker seated on it entire herds of over weight fag smoking bints have been known to stampede through shopping canters in blind panic!

gosh don't you lot know anything? wikipedia people, wikipedia! it was invented it for a reason.


----------



## Speicher (15 Jul 2011)

Can you swim?

This could be your next challenge Mark.   


http://www.youtube.c...feature=related 


Your experience with Viking boats might help, or not! 

It looks like a short clip, but that is just the end of the beginning, then there is the beginning.


----------



## byegad (15 Jul 2011)

Great idea!

We can't rick Cosmo getting his poorly leg wet so we wrap it in a bin liner then coat it with a couple of hundredweight of concrete so the crabs and lobsters don't open the bin liner underwater. 

Then we take him to Whitby pier and drop him off the end at high tide. He'll need a length of rope around his neck with a small marker buoy attached in case we need to pull him out. 

Far safer than the aeronautic adventure he wimped out of at York Rally. 



Cosmo, how long can you hold your breath?


----------



## n-ick (15 Jul 2011)

I'm sure that I spotted him on the Tour de France,
ahead of the peleton , 
making his grimey way to LOURDES.
Didn't seem to draw breath at all.

EEEyup Cosmoa, tha's got a lovley turn
of speed in t'yellow jersey.


----------



## n-ick (15 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosimodo, 
found a modern guru who will solve 
all your problems and expose you.
He'll do your DNA aswell.

http://www.itv.com/lifestyle/jeremykyle/beaguest/


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jul 2011)

my sadu http://neil-wade.photoshelter.com/gallery-image/India/G0000aRVco92vG5M/I0000f7KNz7_Ud0A
Bert he has through medetation and regularly lowering his entrails in to a bucket of water for a good wash, has developed the ability to breath through his nostrils, this amazing ability, though taking dedication and training to attain can become a habit, taking no thought when this transendant staight is attained the mind is free to think higher things.

when in India i helped him set up his retreat for mouth breathers, i will be running classes at maiden hall rally, you will need to book early as places are filling up fast. you will need to bring a large plastic bag, a length of string and £53.22.0000345216p


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jul 2011)

n-ick said:


> I'm sure that I spotted him on the Tour de France,
> ahead of the peleton ,
> making his grimey way to LOURDES.
> Didn't seem to draw breath at all.
> ...



lourdes! i cant limp to naves!


----------



## Speicher (15 Jul 2011)

How long does the piece of string need to be?

I have a box of pieces of string, some longer than others.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jul 2011)

it will need a bit of maths.
p+q=2n r(n)~2 ii


basicly double half its length divide by three add five percent, measure the circumference of right hoof of the first horse you see after a vergin has given you a glass of hamster milk.


----------



## Speicher (15 Jul 2011)

Excellent, that clarifies things nicely.


----------



## n-ick (16 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosamodo,
as you are no doubt eagerly awaiting 
the completion of the Recovery and return to WORK,
I wonder if you have considered
using your skills as a wordsmith to;

Take up championship level Scrabble.
Appear on Countdown.
Construct crossword puzzles.

Your skill would no doubt make
use of all letters and combinations.


----------



## byegad (16 Jul 2011)

Speicher said:


> How long does the piece of string need to be?
> 
> I have a box of pieces of string, some longer than others.



Bring a long one and we can always cut a bit out of the middle if it's too long.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jul 2011)

argggg it is raining a bit! i will have a go at putting some muffs on the trike with the combination of a extremely large umbrella and the wind rap i might not get rusty leg nuts.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jul 2011)

of course the recumbent forum is the last bastion of sanity, never in the course of human evolution has the development of philosophical endeavours reached such a pinnacle.
good people of recumbentisum, i give you 
View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJT0jB6Llgk
for the df that will not go recumbent, can be seen at you would be stood up--"also comes with a flag to fit to the top of your helmet"--, it is a fixi so non of them complicated gears to worry about, extremely light if we do away with the wheels.


----------



## Speicher (16 Jul 2011)

Peeps of the feminine gender might need the correct support to ride that bike. 

Who, I wonder, will volunteer to offer them that support?


----------



## byegad (16 Jul 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> of course the recumbent forum is the last bastion of sanity, never in the course of human evolution has the development of philosophical endeavours reached such a pinnacle.
> good people of recumbentisum, i give you http://www.youtube.c...h?v=lJT0jB6Llgk for the df that will not go recumbent, can be seen at you would be stood up--"also comes with a flag to fit to the top of your helmet"--, it is a fixi so non of them complicated gears to worry about, extremely light if we do away with the wheels.



I keep saying I want some of whatever you're on.


----------



## n-ick (16 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmodo,
following several years of experimentalism,
we have found a method of implanting 20" wheels
directly onto limb ends and the head. 

We wondered if you'd be interested ?
These come with q/r, freewheel or fixie. 

This will open up a whole new world 
of frame free recumbent riding


----------



## byegad (16 Jul 2011)

And some of your stuff Nick, if you please!


----------



## n-ick (20 Jul 2011)

Tumbleweed blows across
the wilds of Rawmarsh. 

Sleepy 
Inhabitants peer out at the gloom.
Another day of nothingness....

Has Coasomodo 
gone back to work ?
Will Spud ever complete
his 15ft long trike?


----------



## byegad (20 Jul 2011)

Word of warning to all. Spud's rebuild of his dead Peter Ross frame is long. So long it will cause a national shortage of bicycle chain if he ever finds a way of connecting the thing up.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jul 2011)

no, i have been depressed with all the stress and a bit of pain, mainly general listlessness.

so spud is going to get hit oil tanker licence, i like the look of the tilting delta trike with front wheel drive but, no one is making them at he moment.


----------



## byegad (20 Jul 2011)

Take some more of whatever you were on before.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jul 2011)

being left alone by, a gitbag, would help.


----------



## n-ick (21 Jul 2011)

Gitbag on it's way Cosmoid.

Hope you like the colour 
and the self infalting/self destruct button.

Don't get them mixed up .

We're all with you on this.......




No we're not .


----------



## Scoosh (21 Jul 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> no, i have been depressed with all the stress and a bit of pain, mainly general listlessness.
> 
> so spud is going to get hit oil tanker licence, i like the look of the tilting delta trike with front wheel drive but, no one is making them at he moment.



Have you contacted this guy ? Ask him if he needs a prototype tester (test to destruction, naturally




)


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Jul 2011)

scoosh said:


> Have you contacted this guy ? Ask him if he needs a prototype tester (test to destruction, naturally
> 
> 
> 
> )


i was looking at that this morning lusting after one but the price will be steep and i suspect all that gubbins at the back adds a chunk of weight.
if you look at the hand bikes that lean steering they are a bit like the one below and do it without adding a lot of mechanisms 

it is this one http://alternativevehicles.blogspot.com/2010/11/baccura-tilting-trike.html i like but you just cant get hold of one.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Jul 2011)

http://www.freedomryder.com/Superbike Twist-shift.htm


----------



## n-ick (21 Jul 2011)

yo cosmaeo,
are you 100% certain that 
your use of handtrikes is
the RIGHT way forward?

I have espied ( in nettle bushes), your bronzed torso 
on many occasions,
making use of speed and ascending 
at enormous speed by the use of legges.

Ladies have indeed 
SWOONED in the excitement 
of your passage.

I can only assume that some further
branding to the forehead be carried out.

I understand that
the Spud is
making a 15ft long trike, is this of use?


----------



## byegad (22 Jul 2011)

Quote from Nick...
Ladies have indeed 
SWOONED in the excitement 
of your passage.
...end quote.

Ooh! Err! Missus! As Frankie Howard might say, you obviously know more about it than most!


----------



## Speicher (22 Jul 2011)

Indeed I have swooned when seeing Mark whizz by on his hand trike. 

Now recovered and sending him a


----------



## n-ick (22 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmao of the Gitbox,
sounds like you've not only got minions,
but a fan club and stalkers.

It might be worthwhile burning all your clothes 
and just wear a green infloresent MANKINI.

Although this might lead to frostbite in the winter,
what's left of you will be bathed
in the warmth of adoration.

I should fashion a silk flying scarf 
and a rakish leather flying helmet
with blackened goggles.

We are currentlyknitting you a new leg
from old cow sinews and inner tubes.


----------



## byegad (22 Jul 2011)

Great ideas Nick! 

Although the flowing scarf could mean the Cosmonaut does an Isadora Duncan and throttles himself.






That would be terrible. Who could you tease then?


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jul 2011)

byegad said:


> Great ideas Nick!
> 
> Although the flowing scarf could mean the Cosmonaut does an Isadora Duncan and throttles himself.
> 
> ...



like isadord, my walk across a pub holding a pint of real ale n' balancing a paste is pure art and regularly gets a round of applause, i have become accustom to adoration and the odd stocker, this is the burden i carry as a sun-bronzed Greek god like, highly tuned athlete. 
i am working on a scoop to put on the front of the trike a bit like the front of a train in the wild west, in-conjunction with two old quilt covers attached at each side to collect the swooning  

one of the advantages of the recumbent trike is a mankiney is not required, just wear two tilly hats  i gave up on the flying hat and scarf as with the wax mustash i think i was in danger of becoming a parody.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmaous,
given that the slug Prince Andrew 
has given up his post of trade ambassador,
I wonder if you'd filled in 
an application form for the post?
I am certain that with your CHARISMA and
skill at balancing paste will 
go down well in FOREIGN parts.

If not I would be tempted to contact LORD COE ,
as there must be some important 
post that you could fulfill at 
the forthcoming wasteful Olympics.

Spud has an old Morrison's t tray
that he used as a headrest.
If he covered this with glue 
would this be of use to you?


----------



## byegad (23 Jul 2011)

Spud has a tin head to go with his tray. Cosmo might want a finer tray, say mahogany or boxwood. 



To go with his wooden head.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jul 2011)

Yo,I HEAR that his tin head 
is connected with BOLT(S), 
when asked about repairing his snapped trike
he headed the email " Frankentrike".

No dout alluding to frankfurters
which are bolted together.

I have viewed the Satellite camweb of the
Mid North, but can see no movement in Rawmarsh.

Is there general FEAR of the RECOVERY ?

Pray now friends , the end might be nigh.

If we all get on our knees at 11am tommorrow 
in the direction of Rawmarsh, then a MIRACLE CURE might be affected.
If not that's the direction to send your rpgs_, IC missiles,
__ bags of rotten cow entrails and out of date Cornettos._ 


_Cosmao,
I understand that Spud has
2 dogs glued together, are these of use to you?

_


----------



## n-ick (25 Jul 2011)

Cosimo,
I observe on my Almanac that the 29th of July
is the date of your birthday.

I was in London recently and noted 
several guardsmen polishing their wepons, 
no doubt in preperation for this day.


Spud has an old Christmas tree,
if we covered this with glue,
would you like it ,
free.


----------



## Riding in Circles (25 Jul 2011)

n-ick said:


> I was in London recently and noted
> several guardsmen polishing their wepons,



Another Frankie Howard moment there.


----------



## byegad (27 Jul 2011)

All has gone quiet!

1. Has our Superhero gone back to his home planet? 

2. Has he decided he is superior to the rest of us mere mortals who are not sun bronzed Greek gods? 

3. Maybe the dark forces have made him go to work? 

4. Maybe he tried to walk past a large magnate* and is even now struggling against its mysterious power? 


* Rupert Murdoch gets everywere!

Read on, dear reader, read on!


----------



## n-ick (27 Jul 2011)

yo,
waning moon ,
Cosmo's birthday in 2 days, 
Scarab beetles seen along Skeggy sands.

Holy forked candles Batman,
this can only mean the *RECOVERY*.

I do beleive this may be an
origional MIRACLE
and worthy of canonisation.


----------



## n-ick (29 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
 happy birthday !




Spud has an empty tube of glue,
we will gift wrap it.


----------



## byegad (29 Jul 2011)

Happy Birthday Mark.

I baked you a cake.


----------



## n-ick (30 Jul 2011)

I backed a cake with Kandels.

No sign of Cosmio,
the sanctuaries for 
fallen Gods are full,
Battersea has not 
reported any unusual intakes.

Toby is using his 
dowsing crystal over a map.
So far no signs, 
even underground.


----------



## byegad (30 Jul 2011)

Great news Mark!


Your cake was delicious. So much so it's all gone! Sorry.


----------



## n-ick (30 Jul 2011)

Fork Handles ?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jul 2011)

hello, it is I!
i have been having a holiday from being poorly, at............ butlins skgegness! i did some 25mile rides on the trike and 7 or 8 miles a day on the hand bike, i had a lovely virtue cake, as i am chased.





and now for the recovery news...................... a sun-bronzed Greek god like man was seen this Friday on skgegness beach cracking wall nuts in a rather inventive way, small amounts of alcahol were consumed over the week and meni toes run over in the market to the sound of manic cackling "hahahahahaha never felt a thing are you Mergetroids uncle Calthrope cos' he gets me nanna mustered cheaper than left gauntlet clapping greasy cog crayon nose plug fullgop tingle spurgle eeeeeeeeeeeerp" the lack of sentient life in the vicinity was shocking and some what concerning, apparently walking about at two am shouting incomprehensible giberish at the top of your lungs is traditional.
my lungs are now tainted with clouds of cigarette smoke, from all the chain smoking mobility scooter jockeys.


----------



## n-ick (30 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
welcome back to the mortal world. 
I can tell immediately that SALT air 
has had no beneficial effect
on you whatsoever.

I should recommend that you 
clap "greasy cog crayon nose plug fullgop tingle spurgle " 
at least twice a day and
turn once more to your prayer wheel.
Word has it that the RECOVERY 
will coincide with the RAPTURE.
So we'll wave farewell as you ascend,
or not.

Spud has a spare pair of clogs, 
we can put glue in them,
if they're of use.


----------



## Speicher (30 Jul 2011)

In an attempt to emulate your prowess, Markg0vbr, I tried a handbike on Thursday afternoon. Unfortunately, try as I might I could not make any progress. It was as if it were bolted to the floor.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jul 2011)

Speicher said:


> In an attempt to emulate your prowess, Markg0vbr, I tried a handbike on Thursday afternoon. Unfortunately, try as I might I could not make any progress. It was as if it were bolted to the floor.








the thinker ponders this.
please ignore the date stamp i have not set it yet as my 6 year old nephew was on his game pod thing so did not have time to show me how to do it.




the secret to hand bikeing is all in the turning of the hand cranks  the push part of the stroke can be stronger than the pull, the cackling is important also the under the breath mumbling or sometimes shouting at people how seem to think a man not being able to use his leg properly helically funny. "ha ha ha look at that ha ha ha in that funny" normally shouted by a family of rotund "persons?"


----------



## Speicher (30 Jul 2011)

Perhaps it is the lack of a pony tail, in my case.  

Please be cognisant of the fact that the above-mentionned hand bike, and another bike, the as yet, unmentionned recumbent bike were indoors and in an air-conditioned room on the first floor of a public building. Said building is under the nomenclature of "Leisure Centre", a mis-nomer, by any standards.

My visits to a Jim, is a temporary one, while my fitness improves.  

While undertaking exercisement in the fresh air, I have encountered similarly uncomprehensible comments from extremely rotund persons. I have attempted a friendly retort to the effect that said rotund persons are welcome to join me and my friend in our rapid progress. Strangely these invitations have not been taken up, a preference being expressed for their beer and cakes.  

I am at a loss to understand why exercise precludes the enjoyment of beers shand cakses.


----------



## byegad (31 Jul 2011)

Sadly Speicher you are not a 'sun bronzed Greek god'.


Neither am I. 




Thankfully!


----------



## n-ick (31 Jul 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha' looks Godly in t'pictures.

Looks like you've not only gone around

the bend, but met y'sen coming back t'other way.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Jul 2011)

"While undertaking exercisement in the fresh air, I have encountered similarly uncomprehensible comments from extremely rotund persons. I have attempted a friendly retort to the effect that said rotund persons are welcome to join me and my friend in our rapid progress. Strangely these invitations have not been taken up, a preference being expressed for their beer and cakes.  "

I would love to tow them along behind ether of my bikes, i normally carry a rope with a loop in it.


----------



## Speicher (31 Jul 2011)

I am admitting to some confusement here, Mark, oh Sun-blessed Greek one. What do you wish to tow along behind your bike?

a) me and my friend
b) the cakes and beer
c) rotund peoples


This afternoon I have been consuming wine and cakes, and other delicious edibles, at a Birthday party.


----------



## n-ick (31 Jul 2011)

"While undertaking exercisement in the fresh air, I have encountered similarly uncomprehensible comments from extremely rotund persons. I have attempted a friendly retort to the effect that said rotund persons are welcome to join me and my friend in our rapid progress. Strangely these invitations have not been taken up, a preference being expressed for their beer and cakes.  "


Cosmio,
tha'd better take a mirror on t'rides.

Not only would there be 2 of you,
but you'd have someone who
understood your thoughts and methods.
This would double your towing ability.

Spud has a spare mirror, we 
could 
glue
it 
to
u.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Jul 2011)

Speicher said:


> I am admitting to some confusement here, Mark, oh Sun-blessed Greek one. What do you wish to tow along behind your bike?
> 
> a) me and my friend
> b) the cakes and beer
> ...



haaa blessed confusedment.
i was confused once but the aardvark stopped hitting me with the flannel made from woven strips of fibrous palm frond, explained his view point re the oneness of occlusive rhetorical self defining hero worship --"on which we just agreed to dis agree"-- laid out the point in a lot clearer way-- "though where the self centring flange retention clip came in to this is still a bit of a mystery"-- put his Wellington boots back on and left in a huff. every time i feel the hint of confusion suffusing its self in my hind brain i think back to this incidence, happy simpler times.

in answer to your question, a) me and my friend, even a recumbenaout has limits as to what they can pull a full gym plus bolted down equipment might be a tall order.
b) the cakes and beer, this would only bring the undesirable elements in closer and obviate my pavement sheep repellent. --"which i am constently improving on as the distiled smell of salad is quite tricky to get at a level that the plebs find repulsive"-- 
c) rotund peoples, this is what i was eluding to in the afore mentioned statement of intent, as a posed to being out of tent which would of course render the entire statement mute as being totally preposterous and possibly heretical. 

this is i am sorry to say probably the simplest terms i can put it in, now where did spud put the glue?


----------



## Speicher (31 Jul 2011)

Now it seems is the time for your confusement, MarkO.

On the occasion of the comments about my friend and I and cakes and beer, we were outside by the river. The gentleman (loose terminology hereby) was on a canal boat. I refrain from calling it a narrow boat, bearing in mind the girth of said gentleman. Not that I looked too closely or allowed mine eyes to rest on his rotund shirtless body for a fraction of a secondette more than was necessitated. 

You may therefore infer that we were not on hand bikes bolted to the floor of a two storey building. I may assume that my friend and I would be within your limits vis a vis towing. 

The alternative would be for you to tow the canal boat, narrow or otherwise, to another county. Complex calculations are needed as to whether the rotund boat person should stand (or wobble) to the fore or the aft of the boat. Are hydro dynamics within your grasp?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Aug 2011)

spud will be commissioned to acquire two tractor inner tubes and get the welding kit out asap, i will then extend my domain to the water, soon no where will be out of reach.


----------



## Speicher (1 Aug 2011)

Ahoy there! If gentlemen of the above physique were on narrow boats moored near here, I would have no need of you to remove them to another county!

I remain curious as to how he procured two such large green bananas.  I was not cognisant of humoungous green bananas being credited with such floating abilities.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Aug 2011)

the giant green floating Banana(_frogusclothednanarusgigantica)_, was cultivated in the pacific islands in the late stone age, not only as a flotation devise for early rafts and canoes but also as a rather amusing prop in some of the highly ritualistic shows put on at festive events.
the echoes of which could for a short time be seen on the music hall stages of good old blighty, fortunately to slowly pass in to the mists of time to the imminence delight of all moderately sane individuals.
alas in every population there are a small number of, i would not like to call them twisted or sick members, how meet in secret some of them dress in skin-tight rather lurid colourers wearing, staring shoes that make them walk in a hunched, bandy legged gate, that still to this day recreate with dogged determination the most cringe worthy parts of the shows.

through now only grown in secret--"normally under cover of cannabis plantations"-- the selective breading of this herb has continued, financed by multi departmental grant and the ctc, to develop a yellow dwarf version which it is claimed will one day replace the peanut butter filled cucumber as the cyclist perfect snack food.

i have today been knitting a venta seat pad which has come out exceedingly well. riding the hand bike up to the shops even on a hot humid day like today i could feel cool air flowing up my back keeping my shirt nice and dry. 
the base metireal came from the depot, original used for putting on river banks to help stabilise them.


----------



## n-ick (1 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha' talents and intellect
never fail to amaze.Tha' art indeed 
a guru of wordsmithism.
Has tha' considered 
at seat at Oxbridge, 
with it's own cardboard box?

Tha' will find bank revetting material
useful when you are forced 
to enter deep water gullies. 

In case of continual water,
Spud has an inflatable dinghy.
The oars are curiously formed 
like arms and legs.

Should holes
appear we
will be 
able to
supply
glue.


----------



## byegad (1 Aug 2011)

Does slime float?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> Does slime float?



don't know but we can easily test this he is on a ride around Rutland water noble his brakes and we will see.


----------



## n-ick (1 Aug 2011)

Noble his brakes are indeed.

He's also a top ranker 
and like yourself,
a real brick.


We are still awaiting movement on the RECOVERY ,
is there movement in the trenches,
will there be any possibility of going OVER
the top and facing WORK?


----------



## Speicher (1 Aug 2011)

You have made mention of a magnificient base material used for stabilising river banks. Are you able to assess whether it is suitable for stabilising High Street Banks? You could make gazillions trillion millions of sterling in Earth Pounds if you were able so to do. 

Round 'ere we do oft see the above mentionned peoples in skin-tight clothings of lurid colourings, oft with their names emblazoned there on. The choice of footwear would seem inappropriate for perambulations. They therefore resort to a two-wheeled velocopede, and wear a sort of pointy hat, strangely with the pointy bit facing backwards, not forwards.


----------



## byegad (1 Aug 2011)

Noble his brakes??

Do you get them to kneel and tap them with a sword and say 'Arise Sir Brakes'.


Or do we make them from Argon or Xenon?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> Noble his brakes??
> 
> Do you get them to kneel and tap them with a sword and say 'Arise Sir Brakes'.
> 
> ...



silicon spray, quick and can easily be done surreptitiously.
on the recovery front i booked a emergency appointment for the doctor, i have only had to weight 4 weeks, so go to see him on the 17th.


----------



## n-ick (1 Aug 2011)

Yo,
Indeed sire,
noble in appearance ,
deed and depth of wallet.

Anything noble may be obtained
at your lbs.
Just get bronzed up and
declare yourself a minor God.

You'lll soon find yourself 
transported away.

In the final days 
there may even be word of the
RECOVERY. 

This week Spud is experimenting 
with super glue
and Butane gas.

There may be blood.


----------



## byegad (1 Aug 2011)

I thought he was a sun bronzed major god. At least that was what he told me. 


The recovery is not mentioned anymore. 


What we're waiting for now is the second recovery. There shall be bands of angels, or me on my recorder. There shall be dread things happening dreadfully. And the 4 trikers will ride out:- 

Famine, aka Nick, (No meat)
Pestilence, aka the unrecovered sun bronzed god, of indeterminate rank.
War, aka byegad in a bad mood.
Death, aka Spud on his broken trike.

Then we shall have THE SECOND RECOVERY! 


I'm going to lay myself down for a few minutes until the voices in my head stop.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Aug 2011)

i was bronzed in skeggness we i thought it was then i discoverer it was rust. my rank is demi god i was hoping to go up in the tables this year but, "_soddingcrapycellphone"_ the up and coming deity on the block just piped me to the post. i am also fighting off "_pleasedonteatmycard" _and every one is keeping a close eye on "grrrrrrrrrrrnananaaaarg" the road rage god.


today was a bad day, lots of pain shooting up and down the leg, lingering about the sight of the brake then meandering across into the groin to say hello before drifting around to the lower back. the last two weeks i have felt like a train wreck, i think i need glue, meccarno a echaskech--"as i do not have a xray at home"-- and a chain saw to lop off the infective bits.
i only managed about 4miles on the hand bike and non on the q 
the ventaseat thing works well though so there is a bit of good news.

tomorrow i will be experimenting with dangling upside down--"i have nailed a old boot to the ceiling of the shed and will strap my left foot in to it "-- apparently this can be quite therapeutic according to a email i just received. you know i have just realised i have drifted back in to the tendency to ramble on a bit again  must be the lack of sleep, some times after about 46hours you get some fantastic hallucinations! i can recommend them, all the kids don't need drugs just stay awake for three days before a gig, this will have the added benefit of every one just keeling over at the end non of that roudy truble at three am, all the police would have to do is hand out some teddy bears and cups of hot horlicks. they could have mass slumbers and dribbling on the decks.


----------



## n-ick (2 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha' could extend hanging upside down by taking up the wasteful olympic sport of high platform diving.

I should start off low, say with a chair, then work up to cliff height. 
It might end your pain, if the tide is well out.

We're all suffering your pain,






.......no we're not.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Aug 2011)

today i have decided i am going to go insane for a bit, probably about 11:42 but first.
i will have a bit of a ride on the q to get thing moving again, as it is quiet nice weather i think the mankini will get a airing today, get the air circulating. 

plans are still ongoing for the madenhall rally, a team of 5 sheep are in training, i have constructed a sheep wheel--"a bit like a hamster wheel




but smaller and Reuleauxual"-- the only problem i have is making a pulling harness coupling and a slight control issue, i never seem to have a problem getting them to pull as soon as i sit down on the trike they are off like a shot it is getting them to stop, i am working on a clutch mechanism which is basicly a bolt gun but this has the draw back of being effectively lethal so i am working on a sheep resurrection prod.


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2011)

I see it happened early mark. Around 09.18 by my calculation.

I see you've given up on minions and plan to use sheep. The one major thing about sheep, the defining factor, you may say, is that they are stupid. So I can see how they'd be easier than minions to to recruit, but training them even with a captive bolt gun and cattle prod may prove to be beyond even your powers. 

Fail and you'll get demoted from demi god to something a lot lower.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Aug 2011)

i just did a ride with my lads trailer on the trike it was a but bouncy! at the back. 
i will true both wheels on the trailer this afternoon and have ordered some parts for a new coupling for it, dam devious the youth of today "when you pop in to gran's can you tow my trailer back home please dad".
plus he timed this to fit in with my brief experiment with insanity so my credit card was pried from my twitching hand like lightning.


the problem i found with minions is, they tend to be needy, wanting feeding ect and they tend to get a bit grumpy when repeatedly whipped. 
the sheep may be put in abeyance as i had a radical thought today, it may be possible to adapt a small petrol generator i have to run on methane gas! the worlds first commode assisted trike, now that's what i call thinking out side the card bored construct.


----------



## n-ick (2 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
there's a whole med trolley comes 
around the ward in the evenings. 
I'm sure there's lots of stuff on it that
would do you good. Even get both brain cells
working together. There's also
a few electro pads which 
can be wired to the mains for you.


Spud is making an electric chair,
he has wired it directly to
the street light outside.

Would you care to try it out, for comfort,
after dark?

If you feel like your'e
sliding down it , 
we can 
glue
you
in.


----------



## MartinG (2 Aug 2011)

//
today was a bad day, lots of pain shooting up and down the leg, lingering about the sight of the brake then meandering across into the groin to say hello before drifting around to the lower back.
//

This sounds as though it could be a sacro-iliac problem - have you had your pelvis checked? The sacro-iliac joint refers pain to the groin (it can feel like you've been kicked in the balls) and/or down the front of the thigh. You can also get Piriformis (one of the buttock muscles) tightening up, which can pinch the sciatic nerve, causing pain (and/or pins and needles, tingling, numbness) down the leg.

If you want to find a local Osteopath, look on the General Osteopathic Council's website: www.osteopathy.org.uk
They are the regulator for the profession and you can search the register to find someone near you.


----------



## n-ick (2 Aug 2011)

on t'other hand
we could kick him in the balls.

Spud has an old football boot
which we could glue
onto a broom handle
to get a better swing.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Aug 2011)

MartinG said:


> //
> today was a bad day, lots of pain shooting up and down the leg, lingering about the sight of the brake then meandering across into the groin to say hello before drifting around to the lower back.
> //
> 
> ...



thanks for the Helpful and thoughtful interest, Martin, it is the 9" screws going up through the bone that is causing the problem, i have had sciatica and trapped nerve at the bottom of my back of and on for years, my pelvis is a ok with all the x-rays and bone scans they would have spotted any thing like a sacro-iliac problem. 
some one showing concern and trying to be helpful is like a breath of fresh air i sit here all welling up with emotion.

what i normally get is when out on a gathering of the trikes ride, every time i look in the mirrors 5 or 6 trikes drafting me, i have to go and get every ones tea n buns especially if there is a long queue and when some one brake down how yes how ends up laying on the floor fixing it hum hummmm i should be grateful they ask and don't just tip me off the trike and say right ho get on with it then. on the other hand i never wont for a bit of extra luggage to carry for some one and they are good about making sure i have to park the furthest away from every thing so i get my exorcise and they help keep me from getting fat by clearing the cake and chocolate biscuits before i get back.
this is the kind of comradery that rely makes you glad that you went recumbent. 

and now for the ubiquitous holiday snaps.




me out running my mum on here crapy lecy chair, yes i was smiling i was on my holls. and the date is wrong i will have to sort that out one day.


and this one is a ......... student! eeeek, that comes periodicly and empty my kitchen of every thing edible, leaves massive bags of washing, then vanishes leaving me a poorer and broken man, she keeps saying she is my eldest? but have not got here to clarify this as yet.


----------



## n-ick (3 Aug 2011)

Eeeyup Cosimo,
tha' bears the pain of being
a minor bronzed God .Greetings to tha' tribe ,
who must suffer with tha' pain.

Be grateful to have a roll in life 
as a human football.

We suffer with you,




no we don't.

Next time tha' queues up for us, 
could you just barge your way to the head of the queue.
That'll cut the time 
we have to wait for you
to hobble back.

We might have a spectacular Easter end to your suffering.

Spud is building a huge cross of old pallet wood. We can glue you to it.
Should you begin to slip down,
we can use nails.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Aug 2011)

yesterdays trailer service was ok, both wheels trued and filled with slime, the bearings set up and wheels aliened properly, just waiting for the ball and socket couplers coming.


today i go to the walk like a weeble exorcise class, for a bit of flexing.

when will the spud revile his "world longest trike"?


----------



## n-ick (3 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
good luck with the weeble and flexing.
Hope it hurts as much as my leg 
did after 3 months in plaster. "Yes it will bend....oh."
Tha' must indeed suffer for tha' pleasure 
wi' an open wallet and a grin.
What thy spawn does not take, the State will.

I'm afraid that despite pictures, the Spud's longest trike
has now been properly bolted back together.
He had to use the bolt running thro' his neck
and now his head keeps falling off,( despite glue).

After looking in the Book of Revelations, 
we can find little or no sign off the* RECOVERY*. 
Have you mixed this up with the *RAPTURE?*

Word has it your sick note is now longer than the M6.
If you made it into a Mobius strip you could go on forever.
I think that you have a cunning
plan to retire early due to lunacy.

Brace yourself sir, both religion ,milk
and gas will soon be available in your area.


----------



## byegad (3 Aug 2011)

Good luck with the Physioterrorist. If all else fails I can borrow a tiger  from the local zoo. He could chase you along the road for a mile or two. That will loosen everything up nicely, including your knee, hip and bowels!


----------



## n-ick (3 Aug 2011)

Yo, you'll be needing the services
of Seamus the Fearless. 
He's much in demand.


Spud has several savage dogs, we could paint them yellow with black stripes and
glue some whiskers on 'em.


----------



## byegad (3 Aug 2011)

Seamus would be ideal, but I think he's in foreign parts, probably hunting more big cats, or was it Big Foot?


----------



## n-ick (3 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
we , at the Chatsworth Estate testing labs have developed 
an ideal aid for tha' RECOVERY.

Without a care to expense we have glued 
2 mirrors back to back. So not only
will tha' see thee'sen
going around the bend, 
but will be able to see
thee'sen coming back again.

When pointed at painful bits of the body this should doubly reflect God like glow aiding

the RECOVERY.

Tha' might try spinning this out at speed ,
it may lead to TIME or space distortion.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Aug 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmio,
> we , at the Chatsworth Estate testing labs have developed
> an ideal aid for tha' RECOVERY.
> 
> ...




the class to day went ok, i did take it slow and then did a 23mile ride on the q when i got home, was getting some pain in the effected parts, and it tipped it down with rain but it was nice hot water. 
i am seriously considering getting a velomobile, it will take me a bit to save up for it, with a small motor in it for the hills

i could of course just decide to cure my self bit is that sporting? think of all the health professionals i am keeping in work.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Aug 2011)

160630069443 spoted a nuder one on flea bay


----------



## n-ick (4 Aug 2011)

If tha's getter a nuder one, then throw away all tha' clothes.

This'll do;

http://www.sunrider-cycles.com/en/


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Aug 2011)

i like the waw though i have been looking at the other ones like the ocean cycle body for the quest nt.
i do like the easy ingress and egress, that is mainly what is putting me off quest and mongo. 
today i go to the ......... scrap yard on a quest... boom booom booom "just imagine dramatic music and a deep viced actor here, as the budgit for this quest is quiet low" the quest for the fixing thingy bits of the end of one of them whats-it things that help lift the boot lid on a estate car quest.
the amazing story of our hero bravely crossing 400 yards of adventure filled estate, climbing several coarse way edges and back fighting off the vague attentions of several alcoholics waiting for the pub to open. the times supplement said "what eh? never herd of it sounds rubbish, is it a book?".


----------



## Speicher (4 Aug 2011)

Here is how to find the fixing thingy bits for the end of a whats-it thing that lifts the boot lid.

Standing by the 1962 Datsun Sunny, which is under a Hillman Imp, is Whojimaflip, who lived next door to what'shername. He will have all the answers. He may even know that you are looking for a hydrohaulic strut. 

Strut, by the way, that is not the way to describe your prambulations across said breaker's yard.


----------



## byegad (4 Aug 2011)

Strut into our local scrap yard and they'd set the starving dogs on you. Unless you are selling only slightly second hand copper wire by the mile that is. 

Come to think of it does three ravenous Rottwielers = 1 hungry Bengal Tiger? Possibly and well worth a try.


Could be the cure for our heroic idiot sorry, sun bronzed GEEK Oh my gawd!


----------



## n-ick (4 Aug 2011)

Yo,
amongst all this doggerel, is there no word of the *RECOVERY* 
and the rehabilitation to useful taxpaying work?

Be aware sir, there is a slippery downward slope to sloth,
daytime tv and White Lightning. 
Eventually tha' could join the English Defence League.

Gird tha' loins and face up to tha' pain.
Grinding of teeth works.

Spud has some tooth glue , 
we could 
glue them
together.


----------



## byegad (4 Aug 2011)

If you are worried about him being a drain on all the tax you pay Nick. Why don't you train him to eat nothing and live on fresh and free for now until our blessed government can work out a way of taxing it like they've taxed everything else, air? 

We did that with our dog and it was fine until it suddenly died.


----------



## n-ick (4 Aug 2011)

Sinical but true.
I could insist that Cosmio be kept alive, 
but at minimal public expense and
further move that he shall at no further expense 
be given the best possible advice,( until a beer tent hoves into view).
Transportation or the* WORKHOUSE *being other options.

Without Cosmio we would have,
nobody willing, nae, eager to queue,
nobody to draught behind,
nobody volunteering to ride first past hungry and massive dogs,
nobody to willingly and cheerfully fling 
themselves on the ground and replace a gear cable.(Whilst being sat on, as a handy couch).

It is also handy to have a less fortunate lower God
in our midst as we are with him
in his struggles toward *RECOVERY*,





no we're not.
We could ration the air , or give him pre-used.


Yes please;
http://oceancycle.co.uk/products


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Aug 2011)

the quest was successful! and the trailer is now re hitched with the ends off one off them strut things, on the short test ride my lad did it peformed well. i still think i will use the rack on the trike with the peddle bins for my trips though, the trailer will come in for trips to the shops for bulcky heivy stuff.

i have dropped a couple of dress sizes, i was being mesured for a kilt to wear while riding recumbent for better ventilation, i am now 33 and a 1/2" waist, i put this down to stress lack of appetite following a glimpse of byegad in shorts and having to live off air. deportation! yes please, i can be ready to go in ten minuets, even if i have to help row the boat and i can do good plaintive moaning i have been practising.
i will set off for a ride in a bit and see how it goes.
re gimp factor, i have passed the ordination and will be in the semi finals in the autumn, there is one stiff legged competitor though how, on the commencement of each step begins with a pendula motion of his right hand steadily building in speed until every joint in his moveable side snaps whip like shooting the stiff leg forward after a short grunt the entire proses starts again, it is quite hypnotic you are constantly wondering what happens if there is a slight miss timing and will be hard to beet, unless i catch him in a dark ally some time soon.
no news on the judges yet but i believe peter andre is desperate to be involved along with,




hear seen demonstrating one of his signature moves, as a fellow cyclist this bodes well.


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2011)

Can you wait for deportation until Redcar gets its boating lake rowing boats repaired? I'll pay for the boat, 1/2hr will do as all we have to do is row to the far side of the lake, lift it out complete with the Geeky god and carry him along the front and down the first launching point. I've a plastic compass which came in my Xmas cracker the year before last and Norway is straight out to sea from Redcar beach. 

Revenge for all those nasty Vikings coming over here and burning and pillaging.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Aug 2011)

deportations too good for em, nail em up, nail some seance into em! you sound like my boss. 



i have still not worked out how to do a built up peddle, i think some phone alls to some of the disability cycling places might be worth a try..


----------



## byegad (6 Aug 2011)

Try Velovision Mark, there's a section on all ability cycling and Peter may well have some contacts for you.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Aug 2011)

i have had a go at building up my shoe rather than the peddle it might need a bit of fine tuning, keep your fingers crossed.


----------



## Bill B-J (7 Aug 2011)

I'm with you with the Quest for a velomobile!
The only problem being, 'they cost how much?!!'
I hear one can get £5000 off the price of an electric car. The bike to work scheme effectively gives one a 1/2 price cycle, upto a £1000 machine.
So why not some government help= getting some of my tax back, and not being asked to pay £1000 worh of VAT, for say a Quest, which will:- reduce my future care/ NHS bill, 
lower carbon emissioins,
allow me to be happy, (or less miserable perhaps,) 
wave to people as I woooosh by, 
talk to people instead of poisoning them with exhaust fumes,
encourage others to go get some exercise cos it is fun,
feel I am missing many important points, but they are not comming right at the moment,
ahh...no, nearly.
Reduce the need for multi million road development programs, more velomobiles, fewer cars. (With a velomobile , we could go from a 2 to a 1 car family.)

Letter has gone to MP. Hoping that instead of spending a few more billion on killing people abraod, the UK could have a higher quality of life.
Contact made with cycle to work scheme, and, "you have to conform to the majority, other wise you are out of luck mate" reply.
Any wealthy benifactors out there? (Feeling hopeful today, and a bit deluded no doubt; need to go out for a pedal to modulate the mental health.)

Would shorter cranks help with the leg length thing? I fancy they might, since they decrease the neccessary stoke lenght.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Aug 2011)

Would shorter cranks help with the leg length thing? I fancy they might, since they decrease the neccessary stoke lenght.

i have built up the left shoe cleat and put a in sole in it, this has made up about 8mm of the 12mm discrepancy, i will see how it works.


if it is not a tax, vat, fuel duty generating car forget it. 
for what was thrown away on the scrap age debacle, some real progress could have been made.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Aug 2011)

"I hear one can get £5000 off the price of an electric car." that do not realy work as the £7000 battery needs replacing every 3 years
some velomobiles are hybrid human/electric so can they be a electric car? 
how many velomobiles, even electric assist could be manufactured for the same energy as making one so called eco electric car that dose nothing to reduce congestion as they are the same size as a standard small car?



i am going to go and have a ride out on the handtrike now then test out the glam-rock cycle shoes! i will report back later.


----------



## n-ick (8 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
my stocks are falling,
there is little growth, 
can we see any signs of
*RECOVERY* or rapture?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Aug 2011)

no if anything i am getting worse with a pain and general decrepitude.


http://www.youtube.c...feature=related
illegal on the roads in the uk but i could use some chavs there are loads around here it wouldn't be hard to catch some.


----------



## Speicher (8 Aug 2011)

Yes, I can see that the dogs in that clip are enjoying the exercise. If it is illegal with dogs in this country, could you try it with half a dozen cats?


----------



## byegad (9 Aug 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> no if anything i am getting worse with a pain and general decrepitude.



Serves you right for being rude about my baggy shorts! It comes to us all. However in this old guy's life not yet, I've just come in from a ride of 17 miles at 11.3mph, same average as the 'Slow/Medium' race sorry ride we did at York. Remarkably not gasping for a pint or mumbling 'Mummy please make the hurt stop' and sobbing like a baby.


----------



## n-ick (9 Aug 2011)

Tha's slacking... we did 48 miles on Saturday. 
It took all day from 9am until 6.30pm.

There were loads of tearooms and lunch.
Also a forced stop to eat plum cherries from a tree.

The day after was for* RECOVERY* .

No pain, no gain, we're all feeling your pain Cosmio,




no we're not.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Aug 2011)

POWWWWWEEEEEEEEErrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


the build up shoe works  picked up ten scalps on the ride today, no granny ring used at all  attacking the hills was bliss, as i was riding the really punishing one at about the 30mile mark, i was well past halfway up and still powering in to it in top gear  it is so nice to be symmetrical again 
i was picking bugs out of my teeth after a fast flat aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggrr cum-on cum-on cum-on aaaaaaaaaaaaa yes yes yeeeeeees,--"this is the bit when i peddle my guts out full on till almost pass-out section, this time i was racing a chav on a mini moto.............i left him for dead"--


"Serves you right for being rude about my baggy shorts!" i was not being rude i think it is very brave recycling old floral sofa covers, not every on could carry it off with such stile and elegance, the insulated pockets capable of carrying a half crate of bishops finger though daring might have been a mistake, the need to put stiffening hoops through the hem of the legs for support ruins the fall of the Roman empire gladiator in kilt effect. plus is a open invitation to wasps


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Aug 2011)

had a blue pill am going to lay down on the patio and look at the clouds......... i like some of the fluffy ones like ickle sheeps mooooo.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Aug 2011)

just had a look at the logs for he handcycle, i have been doing 5.3 miles 306ft of climbing minimum most days and a extra 2.3miles 137ft of climbing some days i think i will step this up a bit, i set off from meadowhall on monday handcranking to ride in to the city centre, but only got 2/3rds of the way as they have put wheelchair excluder s on the path they are so narrow i don't think fat people could get through no wonder this excellent and expensive river side path is not really used  it is supposed to be a national bike path as well.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Aug 2011)

my icle girly brought me some brownys her chums a collage made for me shed said i was to have one a day, they would cheer me up. i have had six today sssssssh don't tell on me  like there like wow and yeh so like, how needs peanut butter and jam sandwicheseses i think she said there full of Chinese burble remedy's n stuff all natural and that so they must be doing me good, my lads just gid me some lumpy apple juice, orchard pig, it is apparently mullerd n got spices inffused in it. god my tongs itchy have you ever had that ? pooooooowwwwweeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


----------



## Speicher (9 Aug 2011)

I have oft found it strange when cakes and biskits are described as "keeps up to a week, in an air tight tin".  

I cannot fathom how they work that out. Home maded cakes and biskits are eaten straight away. Or biskits can be dunked if necessary, in a hot beverage.


----------



## n-ick (10 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
take the *RED PILL*.

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67xw2ScYjVs&feature=fvwrel


Tha' will be well onto the way to *RECOVERY*.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Aug 2011)

only did a ride down town on handcrank today 5.6 345ft of climbing.

today i have been pondering.
what it is about squirrels that disturbs me?
is it wrong to lick crisps in a bole on a buffet to see if you like them and put them back if not?
if fortune tellers are so good why do they charge? and why are people daft enough to believe in them?
should velomobiles be subsidised like electric cars that in no why reduce congestion?
if some one is a bad dancer they are said to have two left feet! have good dances got two right feet?
can cows walk down a flight of stairs?
it takes ages for women to get ready to go out and again to get ready for bed, should they not have extra lessens on how to get dressed ect at school?
why do women on a night out go to the loo in groups? do they need to give each other a leg up are the lavs too high?
being a hairy man, i always have a natural vest on, which helps with temperature regulation also helps to protect me against sun burn, when in India i noticed most men wear wearing a vest and most kids wear them, the vast majority of adult men in the uk dont they also seem popular in the old eastern block contrary, i draw no conclusion from this i was just pondering.
why am i always charge for a pear of trousers but only get one?
why is a pothole not "a roadhole" its in a road not a pot!
why do pavement mountain bike riders all have the saddle far too low? and wear a helmet that is so badly fitting?
when trundleing along a very busy narrow road and a car driver uses 1/2 a ltr of fuel revving there engine as they come past you, then have to pull up 50yards down the road behind a 1/2 mile line of cars, is it wrong to giggle like a school girl as you trundle past there open window? 
i just realised if i wear ever to re tile the hall floor i could do it with five less tiles if i did not move the dog!


----------



## n-ick (11 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
Cosmic thoughts and wise words mate.

I can only advise that you might try the body hair 
knitting machine that we have now connected up to the mains.
It is even possible to include a set of buttons to the front ,
to enable access in case of cpr.
There are both Arran and plain knit pattern available.

I share your mystification with the annoying modernity of modern life.
I can only advise that you abandon all clothes and go and live under a hedge.
Unfortunately all free thinkers must suffer from materialism.
Just don't tell anyone that you feel strange or out of place.




We await further notification and word of the *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Aug 2011)

arggggg you typed it again


----------



## n-ick (11 Aug 2011)

WORK, WODKA, RAPTURE or RECOVERY ?

Tha's got to face all 4.


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2011)

MODERATOR!


He used the W word and I don't mean Wodka! 

I fear for Markg0vbr's sanity if he keeps this up. Then there'll never be a recovery! 

Ban n-ick!


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2011)

Oops!

Did I say...

Recovery?


Sorry Mark.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Aug 2011)

i,. i,. i,. may...... may develop a spspspspeech impediment, i have started flinching at sudden noises and have a slight tic.
no news as to when, where or what they may or may not have me doing, as a temporary possibly permanent replacement to my job and i can definitely state that,,,, possibly.


the ride today again was good the built up shoe is making a difference and my peddling action feels a lot better.


----------



## n-ick (11 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
get a toc to go with your tic and tha' could be
the speaking clock of Rawmarsh
and all points North. Just don't write down
the time for anyone .

I suppose on the hour tha' could chime
or go" boing".
That could be street art, 
tha' could get a grant and a good kickin'.

I feel that the green shoot of *RECOVERY* 
is a long way away ( further the better).


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Aug 2011)

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Wheelchai...ity_Disability_Medical_ET&hash=item1c19fec7f6
at last the recumbenaut sun shade


----------



## n-ick (11 Aug 2011)

Yo Comio,
get one!
It would add to tha' satorial Godly elegance and 
would be useful in case of rain, wind, 
falling frogs, fish and sun.

Tha' could even be tranported to
*WORK
* under such a contraption. 

I understand there may be vacancies
for shade carriers in the far *NORTH*.


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2011)

It would *work* as a good *recovery* system if your brakes break.


----------



## n-ick (11 Aug 2011)

Yo,
wise words guru.
Don't forget for Cosmo, it's a hard life;


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFwOe0EPOJs&feature=related


We can help....



no we can't.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Aug 2011)

went to the motorbike club meet this morning, then hand crank up to shops. a bit of maintenance, i found the minor chainging problem was down to the juster thingy .


----------



## byegad (13 Aug 2011)

What would lif bee lyke with out a juster?


----------



## Speicher (13 Aug 2011)

I have a very small juster, useful for tightening srews on my specticles. It's juster minute. 

I am looking for a tuit, a round one. So I can say I will do certain things when I get a round tuit.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Aug 2011)

i did a test ride today to see if my annoying problem is solved! no i cant walk properly but the gears seem to have settled down. i only did 15 miles but 758ft of climbing, to give every thing a good workout.
Then a 6 mile hand crank to get the blood going, there is a bit about a mile long that i can free wheel most of at a steady speed as i steer with my feet i took the opportunity to have a sandwich and a small bottle of cranberry juices and admire the pleasant afternoon scenery, it is a very relaxed civilised mode of transport, just got to work out how to keep the dam napkin from blowing off my lap! and a bespoke cruet holder needs installing.


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2011)

Take off the ash tray Mark and you'll be able to fit the cruet set although I'd suggest the Ti ones and only fill them to 1/4 full. 

Meanwhile what news on work? Remember that?


----------



## Speicher (15 Aug 2011)

If you carry out some measurements regarding your preferred ratio of salt to pepper, you could pre-mix the condiments. Then you would only need one cruet. That might save you at least 0.76g.


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2011)

Speicher said:


> If you carry out some measurements regarding your preferred ratio of salt to pepper, you could pre-mix the condiments. Then you would only need one cruet. That might save you at least 0.76g.





That's just silly!


----------



## Speicher (15 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> That's just silly!



Please make a specific notation of wot you fink is silly about it!


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2011)

Well you need to put more salt on a tomato than you do on a new potato but the came amount of pepper. 

This answer is not to be sneezed at.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Aug 2011)

i would have to have titanium curet, the main problem i have is gherkin stability, i find a wet gherkin some times has a tendency to migrate across a open topped sandwich, which in its self might be a problem i will do some experiments with the radical concept of putting another slice of bread on top of the filling, if it works i might patent the concept and retire! 



i had a phone call today at 2:15 asking why i had not turned up for a meeting at w***, i informed them that i knew nothing about aforementioned rendezvous and attempted to ascertain how i was to be informed of this, "er a letter" sorry i have received no such missive, was is posted? and if so when as it is almost 3.5 miles form the depot to my abode i suspect a wounded hamster was employed--"probably with a small cart of some description, even allowing for hamster nibble brakes"-- apparently it was put in the post Friday lunch time! big on notice mmmmm
well out of the goodness of my vascular pump i dragged my carcass down to the office to be told, good news we have some gainful employment for you! on the gate of the depot. we will see how things go but if--"spending my time sitting in a cabin occasionally pushing a button and not doing any of my exorcizes"-- i do not look like i will recover it might turn in to a permanent position, on 2/3rds my present pay working split shifts so i will get one full day off in every two weeks, "gosh i wonder why they are so short staffed???"--"i pondered, looking mean-fully at the gmb convener"--.
so later in the week i will go up to the depot to be mentored, "dis is de red button and dis is de green button" with a viw to me starting a.s.a.p. as they are really short staffed.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> Well you need to put more salt on a tomato than you do on a new potato but the came amount of pepper.
> 
> This answer is not to be sneezed at.



i wonder if came is slightly less than a smidgen or a gnats thingys?


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> That's just silly!



yes we are teetering on the edge of total insanity, please pull your self together we can not sit down for histrionics i need calm in my time of strife.


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2011)

Ha! Insults form the man walking in ever decreasing circles! 

Careful young cur! Or I'll switch on my Acme electro-magnet and drag you all the way from God's own County to County Durham, home of the Lambton Worm! This fearsome Worm is really a dragon and will eat you alive (At least alive until it's first bite.) and spit out the metal bits. 

Today's Sun Bronzed Geek God will be tomorrow's Worm poo!


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> Ha! Insults form the man walking in ever decreasing circles!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2011)

Oor Worm'll eat yon mollusc wi' wild garlic and ask for more.


----------



## Scoosh (16 Aug 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> "gosh i wonder why they are so short staffed???"--"i pondered, looking mean-fully at the gmb convener"--.
> so later in the week i will go up to the depot to be mentored, "dis is de red button and dis is de green button" with a viw to me starting a.s.a.p. as they are really short staffed.



Just because you spend much time on your 'bentmobile, they needn't start being sizeist




!

Prepare the Union Man, I say







<considers : is this getting a bit 'edgy' ?



>


----------



## byegad (16 Aug 2011)

Sad they are going to take up your riding, drinking, mind expanding and thoroughly wasted time with the dread W***. Total bastards! 

Anyone would think they're paying you or something!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Aug 2011)

only have the odd pint of real ale when on holiday, the about 6 hours a day i spend riding is therapeutic, this saves on drugs, physiotherapist ect.
now putting me on the gate i will not be able to put the time in on the trikes, slowing or even preventing my recovery, i will have to book extra physiotherapy sessions through work, how will have to pay for them.
all this makes it less likely for me to get back to my job, wasting all the training and even more importantly 13 years of experience.


----------



## byegad (17 Aug 2011)

Don't you just love bureaucracy?


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Aug 2011)

my gp broke his pb in and out in less than 3 minuets , prescription in hand! he did not even look up from his desck top computer screen .

he was most shocked that i am going back to work he almost looked interested, my well note says"must not stand or sit for a long time and attends physiotherapy on a Wednesday"


----------



## byegad (18 Aug 2011)

So you can't stand or sit for long? Sounds like you need to take your trike to work. So you can lie down on the job.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Aug 2011)

well 38miles on the trike 6miles hand crank to day so sitting with my feet up.

so far the home made ventasit pad is working and the built up shoe is helping, the destructo car button is alas not working, in theory when a car driver annoys/ disgruntles me i hit the red button on top of my left handle bar and a small thermite charge detonates in the engine--(they are installed in all modern cars they are triggered when they go over there service intervals. i think it is a lack of power i am positive i have the frequency spot on! i may have to resort to plan b a hammer on a length of string --(for retrieval after throwing it)-- the sharpend spike on a spring that shoots out from the right side of the tike is working but i am having problems with premature firing, a sequence of small bumps / high pinched vibration sets it off, this can be embarrassing.


----------



## byegad (19 Aug 2011)

It's definitely time we had you sectioned!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Aug 2011)

i am already in two bits


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Aug 2011)

if i can get my self out of bed in the morning i think i will go for a 15mile hand crank.
i will have of course a full support crew following me in two land rover discovery, we celebrity adventures need a _Entourage if nothing ells than to attract the paps._


----------



## Speicher (19 Aug 2011)

If you are already in two bits, which is your "better half"?


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2011)

Speicher said:


> If you are already in two bits, which is your "better half"?



If you ever meet him, you'll know the answer is...




Neither!

Sorry Mark, but truth will out.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Aug 2011)

like the turning water wheel my karmic balance needs both wet and moist, heavy and light, smooth and rough, thus i have my motorbike club friends and my trikeanughts.....er friends!.


the ride went well today 16.6Miles with 671ft of climbing, the traffic was light, lots of photos / video being taken as usual  distance dose not seem to be that big a problem it is speed on the up hills in granny gear the trike creeps up the hills but i don't stop and eventually get to the top, flat roads i am zipping along keeping up with other bikes, down hill the recumbent seat kicks in and i leave df's.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Aug 2011)

byegad said:


> If you ever meet him, you'll know the answer is...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




hay i am nice me i have not eaten any baby kittens for weeks and i only pull faces at really naughty random children--(just to keep them on there guard)-- and have packed in the the satanic worship --(lack of chicken sandwiches, it is a long story and quite convoluted)-- .


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2011)

I haven't forgotten how rude you were about my shorts and now divine providence has served up a return to *WORK *before we have heard news of your complete *RECOVERY.*

If I had to choose I'd go for the leg, at least it hasn't been hurtful about my shorts!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Aug 2011)

only you could carry them of, i have always admired trend setters.


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2011)

That's how I got them, a shop assistant said I could carry them off for free! So I did.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Aug 2011)

i am trying different fuels to see what works best, today i will be lickerish powered!
i did oatcake yesterday though a sustained energy level was maintained over the 38.7893421 mile test circuit the trailing, i think might be flawed and needs to be done at different parts of my metabolic cycle, also such things as peanut butter filed cucumber might contravene some international human rights legislation.

while riding this week i have been pondering the wisdom of making all fast food wrappers exceptionally heavy, this will give people a workout as they eat, making all counters at the top of a slight slope with a tread mill in front this works at bars as well and designing a new range of clothing to be called "if you think wearing a pair of trendy trainers is going to shape that massive ass your deranged, all my clothes have a rope attached so you can fasten them to a old tyre and drag it around with you" or "drag to fit" tm. i could then do a range of designer tyres paint them different colur, put glitter on them ect and for the cheats i could sell them helium filled ones to make it easer to drag.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Aug 2011)

pain levels have started low today, the for-cast though is for short burst of discomfort to come in from the groin spreading in a northerly direction before subsiding in to a throbbing aching around tea time.
there was a flash aggggggrgger f&*(&g h%$l fire alert at 6am when tying shoe laces but this seams to have dissipated of to th west.


----------



## byegad (23 Aug 2011)

Liquorice is a poor fuel. While enough will make you go faster, there's no evidence that you'll cycle any faster. 

By the way your spell checker is broken again.


----------



## n-ick (23 Aug 2011)

EEEEYUP Cosmo,
just back from t'olidays. 

Glad to see tha' 2 brain celles have kept t'thread warm.

Tha' can go faster with lickorice, its a 
*LAXATIVE*.

Mostly tha'll go faster where there's no where 

convenient.

It might be more dramatic to cover the'self 
in tar and feathers.
We could then set light to you.

This would have the effect of door to door 
*KFC.*


WHERE CAN I GET SHOE LASSES?

I realy hate to mention it 
(no I don't),but is there word of 
*
RECOVERY?*


----------



## byegad (23 Aug 2011)

I thought he was trying to scare away some girls, but now I realise he meant shoe laces! 



U karnt beate ay gud spel ov wheathar toow gette mii brayn wurkin.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Aug 2011)

the lickerish diet had some unforeseen side effects, the bathroom ceiling needs painting and the reading material needs refreshing, also today i feel amazingly light.

while sat thinking! i had a bit of a Epiphany but forgot what it was when i came down stairs and my lad gave me a cup of tea without asking for one! he then cleaned all the windows and swept the patio, all my nerves are on edge i immediately had a good look around my bikes but nothing is broken that i can see, so will just have to Wait in suspenders and see what it is all about.
my daughter turned up unannounced later she and my eldest lad then pined down my ikle one and shaved his head no2 buzz cut, this has become a bit of a back to school tradition, he unlike my self is not a stile icon but i have hopes he will one day attain this status.

today i visit the physiotherapist for a extended period 11:30 to 14:00 i will then have a not stand up in a darkened room for a bit, whimpering is not compulsory apparently.


----------



## byegad (24 Aug 2011)

There's hope for the little one if he's not like you. Maybe they should give you a restyling. I've got a nice big plastic bucket and can easily drill a couple of eye holes in it, if you're game!


----------



## n-ick (24 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
will tha' ask the psych/ologist/physiotherapist for
any news of* the recovery* ?

I have noticed a lot of displaced persons 
wearing pizza advertising around here.

Perhaps you could apply and add wheels ( and flames ).
A larger pizza box 
would allow you to live wild, free 
and without requirement for worldy chattels. 

We are constantly thinking of further assistance to aid your
struggle and manage increased pain levels.

Would immersion in canals help?


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Aug 2011)

like taking the waters at spars but for poor people?
tomorrows test is porridge and marmite sandwiches or in a tortilla wrap.
i have remembered what it was! oat cake wheel disc's, it is a water proof glaze that is still edeble that is defeating me at the moment.


----------



## byegad (24 Aug 2011)

Taking water from SPAR will get you rightly arrested, named and shamed and jailed. I know, as a fellow Tyke, it's hard but try giving them money for it.


----------



## n-ick (25 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
tha' should forget drinking water altogether.
It's full of Hydrogen and Oxygen. There's also a majority 
of chemicals and floaty bits.
Don't drink anything that fish can live in.

Better to concentrate on *THE RECOVERY.*

If out and about , in case of thick fog or falling water;

We can tatoo your post code ( with hot irons)
on your head in case you get lost.

If this is a step too far then Spud has some glue
to stick your roadsign to the back of your head.
Apply now for buy one get one free.


----------



## byegad (25 Aug 2011)

It's not the fact that fish live in water that bothers most people. It's the other things they get up to in it.

Drink beer, fish can't live in that*.

Except some weaker beers sold to the gullible.


----------



## n-ick (25 Aug 2011)

Wise words mate,
we might test all theories by covering Cosmo
in beer mixed with fish water and oil.
This will equate to the North sea.

To finish the spectacle we'll be needing to
ignite a flume of gas, or explosive.


----------



## byegad (25 Aug 2011)

That could be a good idea for his return to *work*. They could light him and save on electricity in the office.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Aug 2011)

right i am going to run away, well i am going to mildonhall rally, as you have been so mean to me--(wipes tear from left cheek)-- at the rally if any one would like to console me in my hour of need i like any real ale heavy on the hops. 
the limp less --(trice q)-- will be there as well as the bespoke wobble with pride and i just put a bit of padding in one shoe, your face is permanent stickers.
feel free to come and cook me dinner or carry me to the bogs.


----------



## n-ick (26 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
with offers like that, I'm glad we'll
be hundreds of miles away.


----------



## n-ick (29 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I see tha's branched out into the world of books;
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cosmos-Off...8875/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314614936&sr=8-1


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2011)

How was your ride across the sky yesterday Nick? See any clouds?


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Aug 2011)

well i got back from the rally ok, the bike line bus was a good option, as we had a lot of bad weather at the end of the week when i would have been riding down, i got to the rally for about half past eight.

Saturday i had a good ride with some of them dangerous bikes that you have to have a helmet on to ride, they kept whining about head winds! what ever they are? there was lots of grass track racing.
kevin was there enticing the odd victim to the dark side and versus almost normal people with trikes in varying states of customisation.
lots of porridge was eaten songs of solidarety sung and small children frightened. 
things did start getting out of hand when a group of campers, in plain sight of every one started..... making pancakes! putting things like raspberry, honey and lemon on them, i can tell you is was shocked to say the least and the security team refused to do any thing about this ... this behaviour.
i am now penning a letter to my member of parliament about the obvious degeneration in society.


----------



## Speicher (29 Aug 2011)

I really hope they did not attempt to toss the pancakes. That would just be outrageous! 

It should be raspberry *or* honey and lemon. Have they no sense of decorum? 


You will be telling me next that they were drinking tea from mugs.


----------



## n-ick (30 Aug 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmio,
tha' certainly has visited
another world Down South. 
Sounds like tha's been travelling 
beyond a black hole singularity.

Did you see chips , cows or electricity?

Back in the bosom of Middle England, it's 
return to 
*THE RECOVERY*.
Time to get tha' leg stretched to normal.

Spud has been to the Buddhist Centre and 
seen some intersting techniques using 
fire and glue.


----------



## Speicher (30 Aug 2011)

MarkgO has told us in the last sentence that there was obviously no generators. So, presumes I, that they had no lectrickery.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2011)

there were some very odd sounding people drinking lots of this apple drink, looked a bit iffy to me a bit like cloudy wee wee  .

there was a chap from that there Lancashire place, so we agreed to put the war on hold for a bit, band together for protection and comprehensible speech.

thank the grate god gum the pancakes tossing was a no go as the best quality £1 nonstick pan was sticking  
i did try to explain what oat cakes are and the 101 uses for them, but something got lost in translation  


i did spot a chip shop, several large grass eating dogs (it was later explained to me they were cows and frankly what the farmers do to them.... well dose the rspca know?) they are not as advanced as us re electroflexifocation! they had all there grass track racers riding there bikes on rollers to light up the dining hall, you have to keep getting up to prod one with a sharp stick when the light start to flicker.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2011)

n-ick said:


> Spud has been to the Buddhist Centre and
> seen some intersting techniques using
> fire and glue.




being a traditional pit village most people on my road are related to me in some way, my mothers cousins husbands aunt four doors down has three buddhist monks lodging with her for a month three times a year when me cousin comes over from Tibet (she works in Tibet as a translator and English teacher, they help look after her disabled brother while her mother visits my other cousin in Australia) they always take back a lot of hp brown sauce they love the stuff and put it on every thing including cornflakes


----------



## byegad (30 Aug 2011)

Ah! That explains a lot Mark. I know of one County Durham ex-pit village where if you marry your second cousin they think you're marrying outside the family. Now we know why you have six toes and webbed feet! 

Glad you survived your trip to the deep Souff, innit? Wotcha! etc.etc.etc.


----------



## n-ick (30 Aug 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmo,
I can hardly bear to think of the gene pool
in your vicinity. I had imagined sheep and other beasts
to have been involved.

Has thaa' checked for cloven feet and horns?

Fear not Spud is developing a pain free 
branding iron based on dry ice and glue.

Will there be word of the *RECOVERY?*


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2011)

yes ones odetry sensig apendiges were afended quite often by the course estury and some what grating acsent, poor things.

i was some what apprehensive while out on the audax (advertised at 100k was theareticly 112k my gps 72miles a average speed of 14.2 mph, 3678ft of climbing) lacking minions again i had a chain gang of 1, if there were any tribes of chavs about i would have been eaten, but this was found-less as mostly deserted lanes were used.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2011)

minions in action
i need well trained minions !


----------



## byegad (30 Aug 2011)

He posted a F***book page. I don't do F***book.

As to minions I wonder if he means millions. Wiv hiss speelink weel neva noe!


----------



## n-ick (31 Aug 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
after tha' terrible experience in lands to the south,
tha' should lie down in a quite dark room.

Failing that Spud had effected a sensory deprivation 
helmet using a compost bin and glue.
This enables the compliant to 
receive chips through an opening.

Surely this most current of aids 
must stimulate *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Aug 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/375807
i did a new pb today of 2:45 ten minuets faster than my previous best, i had the luggage rack on the back with a small pannier, not bad on a 40+lb bike. 

i am now going to go and do 6miles on the hand crank bike.


----------



## n-ick (1 Sep 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmo,
tha's a veritable athlete. Surely 
all this spare energy and thrust must indicate a *RECOVERY*.

Spud is preparing a return to work package.
It'll contain all that will be required. At little 
extra cost we are including a lead apron
and fingerless mitts for that all round radiation
protection.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2011)

still no word on the redeployment.


i noticed when they had the up wrong trike race they had them going the opposite way around the track to all the other racers, wonder why? 

i have been looking about on the net for a light fast trike to replace the high racer, for fast day rides, vortex or cat are most likely unless of course my search for a velomobile hits pay dirt first.


off for another ride as the pain killers have kicked in


----------



## n-ick (1 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
I note with satisfaction that in
"Catfish Owners Monthly combined with Kite Fishing weekly", 
that once more you have been voted "Man most likely to.." 
aswell as "Freakiest Rider of the year" in "Jacket Potato Quartely". 
Is there no end to your talent?

Spud is roadtesting painkillers by means of 
self inflicted torture ( watching daytime tv) and administering himself with a mix.

The results look positive for any *RECOVERY.*

I note that a year on the sick will be coming up, have you plans to
sell body parts?


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmio,
> 
> I note that a year on the sick will be coming up, have you plans to
> sell body parts?



Good idea Nick, I could do with a good door stop, can I have his head?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2011)

January is a long way off, but plans are in the inception for a commemorative plaque to be placed at the spot of my undoing.
a commemorative coin will be minted using bottle tops and a engraved hammer head.

the ride today was the usual + 6miles on the hand crank, while watching the chain go around and around and around ... well you get my drift, i began to ponder the lubricating qualitys of lard! it was used in abundance in medevel britan for lubrecation, but has falen out of fashion.
a well larded chain might have some good points while out touring, you can get lard any where plus in desperate times one could lick your chain. it could replace the frays to bonk which i some times ponder over as round here it has a second meaning  one could say it was time to lick the chain.
the debate about chain cleaning would become redundant, just park your bike in the sun near a mc donalds and a certain type of person will be attracted to it, you will come back to a lovely shiny chain and possibly a date for the evening  or not if you have some standards.

i was also thinking i have not heard any thing about the autumn bike gathering in't far flung north, ekers like t'has awt bin posted yit?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> Good idea Nick, I could do with a good door stop, can I have his head?



the head was requested by Oxford university forty years ago, i po-lightly pointed out i am still using it, they did offer to give me a prosthetic one but at the time they were still a bit primetive they have come on a lot with them and several prominent politisions are sporting them now, the only way you can tell is if you hold a neodymium magnet at the back of there left ear they default back to factory mode and start the reboot sequence.


----------



## n-ick (1 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I see that you refer to Bike Right at Wooler, to be held in the autumn.
You might try and get booked in, (no chance).

If it's full you could sleep on the roof, using the ridge tiles
to hold your feet, while we pour boiling lard over you to warm tha' up.
Alternatively tha' could sleep under my car or a handy dustbin. 

We look for'ard to not seeing you.I'll take some cake and biscuits up for you 
and eat it for you aswell.

Tha' might be back at *WORK*,
same as those flying pigs.


----------



## n-ick (1 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
in reference to lard as a chain lubricant,
I can only imagine that you are in some- lardy dah -other planet.

Lard's for eating, either raw or for deep frying. 
Tha's not a morning I don't start with a plate of All Bran and lard, 
followed by Lard on toast.In the winter tha' should apply Lard to all skin surfaces. Including tha' glasses.
No visit to the local swimming pool is considered without a liberal covering of Lard.
Lard sir and more Lard sir,
that should set tha' on the _slippery_ slope to* RECOVERY. * 

Spud is developing a petrol bath for his chain for continual effect.


----------



## Speicher (1 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> January is a long way off, but plans are in the inception for a commemorative plaque to be placed at the spot of my undoing.
> a commemorative coin will be minted using bottle tops and a engraved hammer head.




I do not think I should be told the details about your undoing. That sort of caper is best kept private. If you have eaten so many cakey edible items and/or chip butties that you have to undo your trowsies, that is too much hinformation.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> the head was requested by Oxford university forty years ago, i po-lightly pointed out i am still using it, they did offer to give me a prosthetic one but at the time they were still a bit primetive*** they have come on a lot with them and several prominent politisions are sporting them now, the only way you can tell is if you hold a neodymium magnet at the back of there left ear they default back to factory mode and start the reboot sequence.



*** If the replacement can turn over a trike, type random letters and say Bah! Gum! It'll be an improvement. Meanwhile the original could be doing something useful propping open our kitchen door.


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
If turn'd upon a lathe, tha' head could be used in football matches. 
This would have the advantage, that between kickings ,your head could directly
tell the referee if there had been fouls or if you had crossed the goal line.
In addition tha' would not be able to hear the foul language ,seeing as you'd have no ears .

Spud is perfecting a pole lathe using his washing line and a hand drill ( also some glue).

Without doubt this in addition to* LARD* will put thrust into your *REDEPLOYMENT*.
Almost said RECOVERY then.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> I do not think I should be told the details about your undoing. That sort of caper is best kept private. If you have eaten so many cakey edible items and/or chip butties that you have to undo your trowsies, that is too much hinformation.



actually i have not deviated from my lard pre pavement bum interface incident weight of 13st but have lost 4" off my waist, lard hand crank bikes do amazing things to your arms and chest lard. 

you can not use a head as a lard foot ball trust me on this one! even with steel toecap lard boots.

wooler, if they have a bit of a lawn i have a fantastic tent, which lard i prefer any way to a room with three other random people, as being slightly inferm i do not sleep lard well quite often i have to get up about 4ish to move about for a lard bit then just lay on the bed doing my relaxation/ meditation sleep replacement thing"oooooooommmmm ssssoooooggggyyyy lard mmmmmmmaaatttrrrrrrraaassssssssss oooooommmmmm, as sleep deprivation can be quite bad for ones sanity you know.

"Spud is developing a petrol bath for his chain for continual effect."
i can see his lard thinking but a 20mm pice of overflow pipe filled with lard, and suspended verticly with a wooden plunger one could tap it every so often to keep the lard rubbing on the chain lard would then be incremental deposited giving continuing lardation.
given the relative costs of lard and petrol, cost of preproduction one being a by product the other a product, the danger involved in regards to burning to death, the petrol bath seems to be a bit of a ill-conceived idea not though out to its logical conclusion, lard is the way invest now.
all enquires to liposuction bi-product removal inc tallow house rawmarsh.


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2011)

Eeeyup Cosmio,
tha' must have caught a Southern disease
when tha' stayed down nearer t'equator.
Tha'll be into mayonnaise, tablecloths and serviettes.They
say there's folks even eat around a table there.

I suggest purging th'sen with black pudding and Newky Brown.
Spud has developed a self purging leg chain
that he copied off The da Vinci Code.He constructed it from
a pound shop bicycle lock and some barbed wire( and glue).

This above all other things will set you on the road to*
PERDITION *and *RECOVERY* .

I understand that campers at Wooler are shot at dawn.
Naturally we'll be using blindfolds, to give you a sporting chance.
Just keep shouting where you are as we load the machine gun.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2011)

why cant t-mobile just for once be honest? seams if any of lard there staff accidental tell the truth there seat is rigged up lard to the mains.
how can a rolling contract come to a end? it was £5.11 for the past three years and then move you to a price plan of £40 a month! with out letting you lard know?(good job i scrutinise my bank statement every month) 
well canceld the phone with them and informed them they have now purchased lard £35 of free advertising on the hand crank 3' x 2'6" nice big bold lettering, lard around meadow hall, i normally spend about two hours in there on a Saturday but this week it might be three ,i think as i will need a tea brake.

when i did this last time lard all the other mobile staff were out videoing and sending them on there phones and lots of cheering waving from the peds even car drivers!! that was in town lard out side car-phone warehouse.

_
edit "almost forgot the lard"_


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2011)

"I understand that campers at Wooler are shot at dawn.
Naturally we'll be using blindfolds, to give you a sporting chance.
Just keep shouting where you are as we load the machine gun."


actually i have just received a lard email informing me there is plenty of space as some one lard booked in and all of a sudden there wear a lot of cancellations.
apparently they have no lard objections to melodic chanting, but will get back to me on the lard lamps.


----------



## byegad (2 Sep 2011)

Is a tea brake better than a coffee stop?


----------



## Speicher (2 Sep 2011)

On a coffee stop I think you are ground to a halt.


----------



## byegad (2 Sep 2011)

OK Leaf it out, trouble's brewing.


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
prepare to take plenty lard. Tha's going to be hosed down at 6am each morning.

Spud has developed a water cannon which mounts on the trike.
He's glueing it on.

If there's cancellations, they probably got wind of your impending arrival.
If tha's coming by donkey , we'll cut some palm fronds.

Could this be the start of the* RAPTURE*, oops meant *RECOVERY*?


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmio,
> prepare to take plenty lard. Tha's going to be hosed down at 6am each morning.
> 
> Spud has developed a water cannon which mounts on the trike.
> ...



as the bikini season is now at a end the lard supply is dwindling fast, prices are rocketing invest now or loose out.
i will have been out lard riding for two hours by 6am! lard
hang on must go for weeee intermition, "tumm tee tumm tumm tee tee tumm film of tree growing very quickly in reverse tumm" right that is better my back teeth were floating then.
lard
i will arrive on Thursday afternoon on arrival a nice cup of lard tea with crumpet would be nice if the manservant can lay out my bed immediately as i will lard become horizontal for a bit that would be very good.
a light tiffin at three and then a extended foot rub lard should see me fully revived ready for some one to carry me down to the pub.


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimono, 
tha' either needs to increase or decrease tha' medication.

The Spud has an old blood testing kit somewhere. If you can cut off a finger, or send us 
7 pints of your blood we may be able to come up with some inedible black pudding
and( very unlikely) a blood test result.

Surely this above all other considerations will provide a route to
*RECOVERY* and possible *REDEPLOYMENT.
*
I understand that you are giving the first evening talk,
" The Wonderful World of Syntax and grammer with examples of homophones".
Will you be taking questions from the floor?


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2011)

no


----------



## byegad (3 Sep 2011)

Should that be, know?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Sep 2011)

no


----------



## n-ick (3 Sep 2011)

is that not now ?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Sep 2011)

no


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Sep 2011)

i have told my big sister on you lot and she says she will duff you up if you keep picking on me nuuuuuur


to day was a ride on the trike into Sheffield and then a short ride on the hand crank for some shopping.
i was sat for a bit pondering fitting the trailer on to the hand crank as it is up hill all the way to the shops so a dodle coming home but i think i would have to mess about changing the tow bar from a bent one we use on my lads bike to a straight one for the high velocity mangle.


----------



## n-ick (3 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
I'm shaking in my boots that Sister Cos is going to sort us out.
Spud had a short career as " Slime Boy; Mexican wrestler".

We are plainly assisting you either to the world of P45
or redeployment.

Ther's a vacancy for talking buoys mid Atlantis.
Spud has developed a self deflating lifejacket in case 
you wish to go spear fishing.

Citizens of Sheffield beware;
Holy Consumerism Batman !
Take care sir , tha' spending

may not force a 
*RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Sep 2011)

i will be spending a gain soon i hope! i require a lard fast light trike and have been trying to arrange a lard visit to the Kevin but all seems in vain! it looks like i will have to make the trip lard down to Kent and get one there.

as i am built like a racing snake i think i can fit on some thing like a catrike speed or expedition, as there is no suspension the 26" wheel might be best but i need to have a go first.


----------



## n-ick (3 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimoid,
if tha' goes down South again tha'll change 
out of all recognition.
One chap woke up one morning to find he'd been 
metamorphosed into a giant moth.

Feer ye not, Spud has developed a breathing recycling system
using an old vacuum cleaner and freezer bags.
In case of emergency tha' should fill some plastic bags with
good Yorkshire air.

Hopefully you have followed all our
advice and invested in Spud's mechanisms. This will improve your chances of *
eventual RECOVERY.

*


----------



## byegad (4 Sep 2011)

Nick is a homophone a pink, diamond encrusted Nokia?


----------



## n-ick (4 Sep 2011)

Yo, in that case Spud could use one as he wrote off his front wheel today.
Megabucks mate.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

yes he has a degenerative flange problem! i have seen lard the pics he needs to get that seen to and i don't think they do it on the nhs
a large washer welded to the out side of the flange and drilled to the right hole pattern lard might work ..... or glue.



have a not stand up = laying down.

recumbernaught = a trike pilot.

pins in my leg = two titanium screws going up through my thigh into the ball joint.

thigh = bit thicker, bit of leg.

hip = bit at top of thigh that bends about a bit.

crutch = extra leg you hold in your hand.

drifting = going sideways around corners.

drafting= sitting 1" off the back wheel of some one shouting come on put some effort and make sure you hurry up with the tea when we get to the caff and a slab of cake would go down nice.

streamer fairing = df rider deflector

peanut butter, honey, banana and cornflour paste sandwiches = moose gooke now band as performance enhancing food.

panniers = two kitchen peddle bins and some sports boot bags lashed on.

do you feel safe right up there = greeting given to a df rider.

tilley hat = part of the recumbent uniform.

sandals with socks = part of the recumbent uniform.

aerobelly = aerodynamic hump strapped to front of recumbernaught some times mistaken for beer belly.

tadpoleing = rough peddle stroke coursing trike to weave from side to side or done with steering in a group of df riders to unnerve and distress them (very bad form and frowned on unless demonstrating to a inquisitive df rider your handling).

doing a spud = riding trike on two wheels.



of for a ride now and then to the post office to get one of them stamp things as i have a letter! to post, a real paper and ink letter! gosh.


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2011)

I gather spud managed all three wheels off the ground just before the failure caused by 15st of lard and an old trike landing badly on the one wheel. 

I have one more definition for you.

Doing a Mad Mark = Riding on three wheels, then two and then one wheel and the luggage rack finally turning helplessly into a hedge, while the following, exceedingly good looking rider laughs and shouts do it again so I can get a picture.


----------



## n-ick (5 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimodo,
tha' has turned into t'Ben Johnson of trikism. 
Is tha' noe end to thee talents?

I can however see no definition of the *RECOVERY*. 
Is this word banned or even verboten?

The Spud has a mass of 17 stone, multiply this by the downward g force
of ariel combat and even his rim could not withstand such torture.
He is frantically looking for replacement parts, titananium screws would be of use.
Please extract them, wash off any gunge.
We can rebuild.

Spud is now into stem cell research and has managed to grow 2 extra legs on a mouse.
Unfortunatley it ran away so fast we couldn't catch it and publish results.

Surely this above all other mechanisms will certify your return and 
*RECOVERY.*


----------



## n-ick (5 Sep 2011)

Cosmio,
the very ideal recumbent trike available on ebay
item no.
150658762105

A voiturette of the finest type, ideal for your *RECOVERY*.


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2011)

More use to Spud now he's written off his hub.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

a herring = a tasty snack or can be used to chop down a mighty oak tree.

lard = king of lubricants also spread over a recumbernaught keeps the cold out.

bell = some thing you press so you dont have to shout OUT THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

chain ring guard = stops df riders saying that's dangerous you will have some ones leg off with that, or a devise for digging groves in the road when doing emergency braking.

glue = recumbent mending stuff.

spud = professional crash test dummy and trike welder.

flat knot = a bit like the sealed knot the re-enact famous battles but on recumbent trikes, the last one was a epic reenactment of the sr Tomas Sequitas-flange and hector bilberry knight erant, no costumes or remotely historically accurate weaponry was used, i believed it boiled down to one recumbernaught charging another sat at a table nr the beer tent with a crutch held at his shoulder. this was one of the most successful events the flat knot has taken part in. 





ebay 150658762105, with a bit of work might be a good commuter trike the nodding chicken riding stile would certainly make you noticeable.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

today was a regular training ride involving wind, quiet a bit as it turned out.


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2011)

Today I tried to insult Mark, insulted spud and worked out a home for my new trike that doesn't involve walking around it on the way from the living room into the kitchen. 

Now we have so much more room I've worked out I could fit at least one more trike into the house, and more if I get Mrs byegad to take up 365 days/year camping . We have a nice field only a few yards from the house and I'd let her keep a door key so she could come in to clean, cook meals, collect mail and use the bathroom. 

Luckily she doesn't read this forum.


----------



## n-ick (5 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino,

some more definitions for you to include in your Bibul of Trikeism;

*RECOVERY* = singularity in time , the frabtious day that the *MIRACLE *of useful deployment commences. Thought to be a long way off in the future.

Cosimo = small furry bronzed God found in South Yorkshire, usually in association with wheels and lard. Thought to be heading towards* RECOVERY*.




Has tha' more tricks up tha' sleeve to amaze and confound us?


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2011)

I hope!


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> worked out a home for my new trike that doesn't involve walking around it on the way from the living room into the kitchen.
> 
> Now we have so much more room I've worked out I could fit at least one more trike into the house, and more if I get Mrs byegad to take up 365 days/year camping . We have a nice field only a few yards from the house and I'd let her keep a door key so she could come in to clean, cook meals, collect mail and use the bathroom.
> 
> Luckily she doesn't read this forum.



the old pulleys in the ceiling lard trick, as long lard as you have high ceilings or you end up lard ether walking like quasimodo or have to wear a crash helmet all the time.
if you have space for one trike you have space for three just have a racking system the same foot print as the bottom trike.

as i am pondering a velomobile lard and i live lower than the road i think a three track rail system coming through the front fence, through the removed kitchen window which will be replaced with a roller shutter door remote control lard of course to the turntable/work stand lard, this will then turn 90 degreas and pull back up to lard the window, i simply attach the hook to my harness activate the winch to lift me out.

all i need now is £25,000 i think i might be able to pay for it by un-advertising this is when you put advertising on your trike for a company then go and ride up and down out side until they lard pay you to go away i could then get weekly stay away lard rent. as you have only so much space on your trike you can only get a fixed amount of revenue advertising on it, the UN-advertising way you UN-advertising space is limitless you might start getting lard pre-emptive stay a way invitations from people and companies.

mrs byegad, must think she has lard won the lotto being allow to keep a key, lard gosh would you have to cut a notch in the bottom of the door for the chain to fit in to or you will lard not be-able lard to close the door properly.
ook!


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

i think a green and yellow pill tonight


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

lard


----------



## Speicher (5 Sep 2011)

I hesitate to aks this question, but why does not Spud post in the lard first person? He always gets other peeps to post his lard posts, and probably they post his letters as well.

Also may I pose the question vis a vis the nomenclature "df" - does this refer to an up-wrong?


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> I hesitate to aks this question, but why does not Spud post in the lard first person? He always gets other peeps to post his lard posts, and probably they post his letters as well.
> 
> Also may I pose the question vis a vis the nomenclature "df" - does this refer to an up-wrong?



yes lard! we use df as like he how should not be named you must not utter the other name, as a small halibut expires every time it is used.
this has a direct effect lard on fish stocks in the north sea with a knock on effect vis a vis the price lard of fish in the shops, careless talk has a cost!

spud has a gentleman's, gentleman for that lard sort of thing, he opens the back window and shouts very loudly lard what he would like to put in any correspondence, the lard gentleman's, gentleman then shouts back what has come in response. 
i think two tin cans and a bit of string were lard mentioned some time ago but i think the cost of the project lard were begining to spirel out of controle so it was shelved.

i here a broad band three string version is in development lard as the council has made a commitment that all tenants pyramids lard should be able to hook up to broad band by the end of next year.

ook!

the spud is a force of nature, a bit like evolution, he can brake the unbreakable lard we often here cries of should it do that? when he hands you a bit of some bike or other that has just come off in his hand, or he is always the bailing out his tent in lard the morning (even though we have had the lightest of lard sprinkling of rain in the night) he is the only trikeist none to have exploded a lard slime filled tyre there is now a small shrine to this achievement on a corner in york, where lard evidence of the event can still be seen.

all hail spud, all hail spud.........lard


----------



## n-ick (6 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosminono,
tha' has hit the very nail on the button. 
In addition to destructive testing , Spud is Head of Research and development on the
Chatsworth (council) Estate.
He has indeed won the 
No Bell prize on many occasions and Her Majesty did refer to him as "dark forces".

I did try and lift his trike, but the weight was enormous.
It might of been easier if he'd got off it first. 

What He is most concerned with now is research into* THE RECOVERY.*
Take the red pill.


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2011)

I thought he didn't post because he can't write. After all he can hardly speak. 




After a lie down in a dark room, I take it back. After all our Mark seems to manage OK. 


Maybe Spud's ASBO limits him to none electronic communication?


----------



## Speicher (6 Sep 2011)

Your mistook, Byegad was in having a lie down rather than a "not stand up".


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> Your mistook, Byegad was in having a lie down rather than a "not stand up".



thanks for the translation, i think poly unsaturated omega 3 rich homogenised spread it is all that apple juice, "well its got apples in it", stuff the natives drink dawn south it gives them this odd look and no teeth.
we await with baited breath news poly unsaturated omega 3 rich homogenised spread of the impending mrs byegad's responce, will vauble space be freed up for esental trike storage? will apple juice "well its got apples in it" be used as a aide to persuasion? 




why is it, i have lost count of the number of bike tool kits i have made up for my 20yr old lad, only to get texts, dad i am at ....... need ....... , so i have to look all over lard for the remains of the last kit i made up and ride or drive out to fettle the bike! 
chain cleaning, disc lard brake maintenance, gear selection tuning are all done by the bike fairy after he finds out said lad has been riding for weeks with ill / non functioning brake, gears, slow puncture ect.
the way things are going i will have set up, tweaked, adjusted repaired most of the bikes within lard three miles. some of them only weeks old. for the most part i just instruct with a sharp pointy stick and it seams to be sinking in, most of the bmx kids strip down rebuild or Frankenstein there bikes with eye watering speed lard now. though adjusting wheel bearings so they are lard nether sloppy or so tight they hardly let the wheel go around seems beyond them for now. brake have come lard to be a optional extra around here, i often see kids coming down the hill i hit 40mph on use there expensive trainers as Armstrong brakes ether on the back wheel lard or just drag them along the floor!

today i will be narrating a instinctual lard video on the art of naked triking "trike without a flag"


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2011)

I'm a bit worried about Mrs byegad. She's got awfully clumsy today, she's just spilt half my coffee on my lap. She's also going deaf and hasn't answered any of my kind offers to put up the tent for her.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2011)

i find going up close to lady talking very loudly and very slowly, using simple language like you would to a three year old seams to calm them down.
or a sharp pointy stick poly unsaturated omega 3 rich homogenised spread to get there attention before seeking. 

LARD, might be lodged in the inner ear canal i recommend blowing hard up here nose while she is asleep this will dislodge it.


----------



## n-ick (6 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimo,
tha's a veritable guide on how to have a worry free life.

Spud is experimenting with fermented urine added to orange juice.
The first batch should be ready soon.
I've pre-ordered 15 gallons for you.
Spud is mainly drinking coffee at the moment. 

This above all other potions and medicaments will
surely speedily see you on the ropey road to
*RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosimo,
> tha's a veritable guide on how to have a worry free life.



Yes no woman in her right mind would have him. 

Meanwhile I'm busy trying to eat my cheese and chutney sandwiches off my trousers . Mrs byegad  managed to spill them as well. That's it the tent flooring isn't going down she'll make it all sticky! 


Does anyone have a cure for concussion by the way? The plate with my sandwiches bounced off my head?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2011)

this will see you mended my gran recond it would cure anything if wraped in brown paper. unlike lard it is not recommended as a lubricant.

"Yes no woman in her right mind would have him." 
i have just been quoting from the book poly unsaturated omega 3 rich homogenised spread of gum it is the sacred text that should be the guide to any right thinking man's life.

i sit hear a lottory whiner  i immediately went out and got a bottle of Boston creak wine £2.74 to celebrate, the the other £2.68 will be fritterer away on a lotto ticket and some jelly babe's i think.
i was tempted 

 
to send spud a food parcel, but the jelly baby's were irresistible.
l
a
r
d


----------



## Speicher (6 Sep 2011)

May I venture to suggest that, if Mrs Byegad is so clumsy, (must be her age) then Shirley you would be safer in the tent with your bicycles to keep you warm and cosy.


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> May I venture to suggest that, if Mrs Byegad is so clumsy, (must be her age) then Shirley you would be safer in the tent with your bicycles to keep you warm and cosy.



The boy's a fool!

Why would I want to sleep in a draughty old tent that will only hold two trikes? 

Come on Speicher, get a grip old chap!


----------



## Speicher (6 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> The boy's a fool!
> 
> Why would I want to sleep in a draughty old tent that will only hold two trikes?
> 
> Come on Speicher, get a grip old chap!


----------



## Speicher (6 Sep 2011)

Byegad, you and I have been making posts in this thread for many moons now, and you do not realise I am a  and  I am not old either.  

I will be taking advisement from MarkO on your suitableness as his advisor.


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2011)

Terribly sorry Speicher . But I can see now why you're on Mrs byegad's side.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2011)

ook!


 being a saintly, sun bronzed lard Greek god like well centred kind of man i will not comment .
but i think a training course might be in lard the offing and the position of advisor under review, perhaps some closer monitoring by a supervisor?


i think a red lard and green pill today

i will be opening the Boston creak soon, so if i seem a bit odd put it down lard to my first drink in weeks going straight to my left lard elbow it has never been up to strong drink. 

just keep moving and don't look back...... dral oooooooooook!


----------



## Speicher (6 Sep 2011)

You will still have to await MarkO's pronouncement on your future viability.  
Your appopology is accepted.


----------



## n-ick (6 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha'll be get plenting of monitering when the 
*RECOVERY* culminates in deployment.

In the meantime Spud is at a loose end and if you send him 
a spare front wheel will be glad to advise you of 
all matters relating to lifestyle choices by means 
of electric shocks to parts of the body.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2011)

whimper!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2011)

ok i am now firring on three of my 4.263578 cylinders, lard had a slight technical fault this morning but two house bricks bit of wd40 "it is not a lubricant you know" and three old toilet roll inners sorted it.



i had a comity meeting lard while seeing pictures in the wall paper pattern last night lard and the vote was carried 4 to 3 with one abstention for Mr beygad to remain on the advisory teem.

in true public sector ethos it is easer lard to move side ways or promote the incompetent and removal from the advisory team might be construed as a reward.

i will now have a not stand up on the trike for a lard bimbble, condensed thought complementation.


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2011)

Note to self.....




Must try harder! 

To be dropped that is.


----------



## n-ick (7 Sep 2011)

Yo Cocmoso,
I'm all for dropping and including things ,
will sister Lard Sledge be oiling us on the annual lard
appreciation outing to Wooler city?

This more than any other expedition will hasten the blockage to 
*RECOVERY.*

There will be in addition plenty queuing up for us, if not tha' can 
start tha' own queue in the middle of nowhere, in case of need.


----------



## Bodie (7 Sep 2011)

Ooops, I thought this was an economics thread....


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2011)

Bodie said:


> Ooops, I thought this was an economics thread....


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2011)

Bodie said:


> Ooops, I thought this was an economics thread....



 
it is, we are the think jug [was a lard tank but reduced, with the cut backs] with out portfolio there by freeing us up to push the envelope of radical thinking, we are the elite lard teem.
well we let byegad in on a technicality "you always have to have a weird one in any teem" and he is special you know, after Mrs lard byegad put his head in that plastic bag with duct tape around the neck for a bit, i don't think he will ever be the same. 


i was thinking of the spud on my lard ride and hatching a plan, as his lard hub is bust we could get two sheets of 3mm plate steel and weld them to the rims ether side weld hub at centre and not only a solid spud proofer wheel but think of the aerodynamic lard advantage of disk wheels!


has any one got any submissions lard on the euro-tunnel water wheel hydro electric plant have we worked out if it is down hill to France yet? 
the lack of feed back from the under water trike development lads lard is worrying, i must admit but Rome was not quantity servayd in three weeks and two days.
eeek!


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2011)

Economics will be a major part of our Sun Bronzed Geek God's life in the near future. He'll be reduced to selling his body for spare parts. I suggest he charges a lot for his brain, after all it hasn't had any use! 

Meanwhile the world price of lard is on the boil, soon to flash over into a chip pan fire sale.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> Economics will be a major part of our Sun Bronzed Geek God's life in the near future. He'll be reduced to selling his body for spare parts. I suggest he charges a lot for his brain, after all it hasn't had any use!
> 
> Meanwhile the world price of lard is on the boil, soon to flash over into a chip pan fire sale.



cant sell any of it, as for the most part its a bit shabby and in need of shaving polishing and hitting with a big hammer, though probably the walnut cracking lard mechanism is working better than ever.


i did say some time ago to invest now. 






ytirup si !dral eht


----------



## Speicher (7 Sep 2011)

If you want water to go uphill as well as downhill, remember to investigationise the Archimedes Screw principle theory.

 

Could you pedal to bring the water uphill from the tank at your front end, of your lard trike, then freewheelly more faster downhillmost with the added weight of water? 

* ponders name for above afore-said invention *

My stongly point is language, the Scientificest people on here may need to be quizzed on this.


----------



## n-ick (7 Sep 2011)

yo Cosmimarinus,
I was talking with Maurice ( de Sade) the other day. 
He has an exceptional collection of medications and electrical equipment 
left over from the closure of his (private ) mental health unit.

Having tested some of these out on the local rat and seagull population ,
I can assure you that these animals above all others will force
*RECOVERY.*

Please cut the spokes off of your front wheel 
and send the hub immediately.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2011)

It's the water on his brain that's the main problem. 

Wait for it....




What he needs is a tap on the head!


----------



## n-ick (8 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino,
Elvis- son of Gene next door who changed his name to Roy-did a City and Guilds in Electrics.

Day 1 he sucsessfully wired and blew up a mains juction box, it was then they found out about his colour blindness.

Could he be of any use in black and white installation and benefitting the road to *RECOVERY?*


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> If you want water to go uphill as well as downhill, remember to investigationise the Archimedes Screw principle theory.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



yet again the thinking jug comes through, you lard concept [though in a sketch form is glowingly simple, i will flesh it out a bit for the thinking inhibited] of a header tank driving a water wheel attached to the drive wheel with run off the a collection tank hens via archimedean screw back to the header tank is alas doomed to failure.
now a vertical axle wind lard mill giving assist dose work the problems are of scale one large enough lard to give meaning full thrust are impractical as the trike would have the same foot print as a van.
the best solution is a 1.7m x 1m sail attached to the front boom. 
the investigation in to a ultra light compress air engine lard is still ongoing a pump for use with regenerative braking seems a bit of a no go as at bike speeds the brakes are not often used so the added weight is pointless.

experimentation on spud proof lard trikes are ongoing, a trike with four front wheels and two rear wheels all with 1/2" plate steel disks.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2011)

Well my good lady wife, she who allegedly must be obeyed, and I have had a good long chat about her camping to allow storage of trike number four. Crockery is replaceable, thankfully, and the coffee stains on the living room wall will paint over eventually. Some of the hurtful things said will be forgotten, certainly within the next century.

Unbelievably she is against my purchasing another trike until such time as Satan drives to work in a snowplough. She also feels that I'm putting myself and my 'silly hobby' before the well being of our marriage. In fact she implies that she has better things to do than cook, clean, wash and provide certain services that may well frighten the horses for... well... I assume the stream of not very complementary adjectives were meant to apply to me! I didn't know she knew so many low and hurtful insults. Her uppercut is dangerous too, the hospital say I'll stop seeing double any time soon!

In the light of such unreasonable behaviour and sad revolutionary attitude to her allotted role in life ordained from on high, what steps does the committee suggest. 

1. Should I set up the tent (When it stops raining, after all I don't want to get wet!) and taking her firmly by the elbow escort her to it? 
The downside is she could turn nasty again. 
OR
2. Should I find her a job of some sort so she can use her wages and pensions to rent a small hovel nearby. I know she'll want to save commuting time each day coming in to fulfil her duties? 
The only downside I can see to two is she'll be busy every waking hour, but the plus side is she won't be bored and as a bonus with the residue of her income after she's paid rent I could afford two more trikes almost immediately.


----------



## n-ick (8 Sep 2011)

Yo Bygadio,
tha's put t'cart before t'horse. 
I bought a huge shed with a padlock. Within are 4 telescopes that I find essential for astronomy.
Even better madame is asleep and knows and cares nothing about the after dark.
Take up vampyrism or nocturnal riding.

I see that Cosmio is again in the land of lost lard with fanciable schemes.

Spud is working on a set of mirrors which will reflect light on an infinate path.
By this means he is hoping to look into the past.

Surely this will be of upmost benefit to the *RECOVERY. *
Send a replacement hub in the post.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2011)

Your night time activities are of no moment to me, young Sir! 

Meanwhile I've found the answer to Good Ol' Ronnie Reagan's Star Wars problems. The looks across the lunch table could freeze and boil your blood at the same time. I thought I'd gone deaf, but in fact it appears I'm not being spoken too. I never knew home could be so peaceful.


----------



## n-ick (8 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
a cure and *RECOVERY *are within grasp.
Spud is now working with large amounts of balsa wood.
This has the properties of flying and floatation.

With such light inertia, surely above all other materials 
this will point the route to 
*DEPLOYMENT.*

Please do not hesitate should you require references or 
comdenations, we'll do our best.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2011)

Aren't frozen meals wonderful? I've just had an early tea as I'm out tonight. Frozen Chicken Jalfrezi tastes wonderful, although the uncooked rice was a bit crunchy.


----------



## Speicher (8 Sep 2011)

Is your hair now shiney after the generous very large blob of custard shampoo? 

Please be advised to leave a not upstairs window open when you are out this evening. There is a danger that the locks need changing. You know how Locksmiths keep such unsocialbeised hours?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2011)

as caravans can be expensive, a old horse box trailer can be obtained for as little as £200 some blankets and a air bed.
my mum has hearing aids, i would talk to her in steadily quieter tones and she would keep turning the aid up thinking the battery was going, i would surreptitiously ring the home phone which has a siren buzzer and flashing lights, she would jump about two foot in the air!

now with just me and the two lads my current three bikes are in the nice dry worm house, soon to be a catrike speed added. i was trying to traid the bacchetta in but after five months of emails and phone calls trying and failing to get any wear i think i will have to order one then see if i can sell the high racer  

just doing some research on gearing, on the ice q which is not a light trike with all the touring and comfort kit i still have to use the 11-34 and 22t on some of the hills around here, but the cat is 30lb has 11-32 30t it might be ok?


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2011)

The Trail is certainly climbing in a gear much higher, by gear inch, than the QNT with my feeble efforts. I'm on 22-34 at the moment but have a 12-36 cassette which would end up as an 11-36 if I fit it. So far I feel more testing is needed before I finally decide to do it. 

As to a horse box, I'm not sure she's going to move out, she was packing some cases earlier on but it must be for things to go to the dry cleaners as most of my wardrobe is now empty.


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2011)

Peace and harmony has been restored in the byegad household. 

I have won a great victory. In return for forgetting about ever buying anything ever again and doing a small list of jobs, I'm already onto page two, only thirty one more pages to go , normal service will resume and some indefinite time in the future, if I'm a good boy, I'll be forgiven. 

The tent is back in the loft and all is well with the world! 

I'm glad I sorted it out.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Sep 2011)

several sets of clothing should be packed in them air tight lard bags and hidden int shed just in-case the scissors come out.
a old tin hat like dads army might be worn around the house for extra safety i will start a helmet thread on here 

you have a 26" wheel so did a "Sheldon brown".
the speed is back on a 451 for 2011, 19"- 95" gi and about 30lbs
the ice is 14.3" - 80.9" gi but has about 15lbs of lard bolted on, most of my hills i can power up in the 23.1" but some i do in the 16.2".
i have been up all the hills on the lard high racer and that is 21" -117" and is 29lbs with no problems.

looks like the lads at big cat have got it about spot on then!
i feel some df baiting coming on tee hee, not done that for a bit

next a phone call lard to cat UK as i would like to try one for fit. 





*Domestic violence in the home should helmets be compulsory?* 

as several people have had cuts and bruises in the home, through making perfectly reasonable requests for extra trike space.
i think every one should lard have a tin helmet stapled on there head at berth! this will save thousands of pounds on hair products and end the problem of some men how have nothing better to worry about whining on that they are going bald. the money the nhs would save could wipe out the national debt over night.
some people bash on about human rights ect but look where that has got us, lard rioting in the streets crucifixion to good for them nail em up nail some lard sense in to them!


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2011)

I'm hoping she cuts up my clothes. At the moment I'm not noted for my sartorial elegance. If I have to buy a whole new wardrobe I'm certain to look better.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Sep 2011)

charity shop open on a Saturday then?


----------



## Speicher (9 Sep 2011)

I am thinking that Byegad will find it difficult to move about in his new wardrobe. They tend to be very sturdy and he will not be able to see where he is going.  Unless a small oblong window is cut from the door of the wardrobe. Sitting down will be almost impossible, unless there is a chair already in the wardrobe. 

He needs to be alerted to the possibility of Mrs Byegad inviting him upstairs to see the new wardrobe she has bought for him, particularly if he espies that the afore-said wardrobe can be locked and especially if Mrs Byegad has a key-shaped object concealed in her closed fist. 

 Hang on!

What is that distant knocking and muffled shouts that I can hear?


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> charity shop open on a Saturday then?



Hah! Insults from the winner of strangest person to ride a trike! 

You, young man, would do well to look into a mirror now and again. Ah! Sorry, I forgot your reflection doesn't exists. 


Hope still springs eternal that you'll be soon spreading word of....

Dah Da Da Dahhh!

*
The Recovery and return to work!*

P.S. Keep biting the necks, Count Alucard.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> I am thinking that Byegad will find it difficult to move about in his new wardrobe. They tend to be very sturdy and he will not be able to see where he is going.  Unless a small oblong window is cut from the door of the wardrobe. Sitting down will be almost impossible, unless there is a chair already in the wardrobe.
> 
> He needs to be alerted to the possibility of Mrs Byegad inviting him upstairs to see the new wardrobe she has bought for him, particularly if he espies that the afore-said wardrobe can be locked and especially if Mrs Byegad has a key-shaped object concealed in her closed fist.
> 
> ...



A Gentleman's wardrobe is his clothing and it's kept in the Dressing Room, not a wardrobe (Wooden version.) which is what poor people, unable to afford even a simple Valet let alone a Butler and full staff, use. Or so I'm told by one of the estate workers. 


Now I'm off to beat the gardener for failing to rake the gravel in the long drive adequately. Following that we're hanging one of the peasants for stealing a sheep. 

Mrs byegad is currently chastising the under house parlour maid in the West Wing. It keeps her happy.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2011)

i hope the knotty pine can stand the strain.


er the uk big cat shop has different specification for the speed, to the us one?

been a bit tender the this week and not been over doing it.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2011)

Call Ian Buck at Wheels NV. I don't see why we should be the only ones to suffer! The Speed is very low, not so much seat wise but near zero ground clearance.


----------



## n-ick (10 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
that sounds just the beastie for our wonderful level roads and tracks.
More potently, will it thrust you past the sound barrier and through the pearly gates to 
*RECOVERY ?*

There's herds of Johovah's Witlessnes up here, would tha' like some?


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2011)

speed 2, 1/4" 57mm

the road is 3"

ice q 3"

expatiation 4 1/4"


----------



## n-ick (10 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmi,


speed bumps, 6 ins 150mm

kerbs 3"

Spud's trike ; ground level

Expatriation; can be aranged, but not for 4 1/4 of tha'

We have a stock of polystyrene here, would this above all advance 
*RECOVERY ?*

I have a 2012 calender, is there any specific day to watch out for?


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2011)

Trail 3.5".


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2011)

Monday the 7th of august lard 8:05 to 3:41.15

a block of lard 1"x 2 1/4" x 3"

limbo = going under traffic barriers at speed.

df blindness = trikeonaut says hi "............. long look .............." must be invisible!

wardrobe = wooden tall lard _cupboard_ poor people hang there clothes in. 

altitude sickness = you get this while sitting on a catrike trail.

redecorating = nipping out to the shops and coming home to find all your lard wall paper off the walls and in a big pile in the centre of the room , NOT just one room though! ALL OF THEM  

having had a look at and a bit of a chat with lard some one, the new trike is on hold for a bit, this is no way any thing to do with the cow wondering about on the motor way yesterday in Rotherham. 
or the redecorating of the house now in process, which i new nothing about or sanctioned in any way, apparently i am to live in a beige environment with hint of pastel shades! should never have let my doughtier move back in for the university summer brake, lard apparently it is a .............. present "gosh er thank you!" and,,,,,,, and my lad says if he sorts out the bike shed i can MOVE MY TRIKE OUT THERE! wont that be nice dad...... i am now going to have a not stand up for a bit and then when i am calm will have a little lard chat.
a man's home is his castle after all.


i have been contemplating the spud and what is happening with the trike rebuild? has he got any where with it will the frankentrike rise from the ashes? we could make a youtub series out of THE QUEST FOR THE HUB.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2011)

my mobile phone 4"


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2011)

a pencil on my desk 7 1/4"










ook!


----------



## byegad (11 Sep 2011)

Beige and pastels sounds just you to a T Mark. Maybe you get them to do a nice pastel overcoat to your trike. 

How about a nice pale red aka PINK.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Sep 2011)

er the dark clad _figure_, looked out from under his wide brimmed hat, puled the the lard tall collar up of the ankle length grate coat and stalked through the dusk, intent on getting back to his "Beige and pastel semi detached dwelling?"

next you will have me putting cherry faced gnomes in the front garden!


----------



## byegad (11 Sep 2011)

No self portraits are needed Mark, your picture tells it all. 

P.S. How's the garden pond fishing this year?


----------



## n-ick (11 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmi,
tha' wants to decorate tha' cave wi' Pot Noodle; different pots will give tha' different shades.
We have an old 50kg sack of Polenta, is this of use?

Surely such mass consumerism will spur on the *RECOVERY*, without loss of interest. 

The League of Tricyclist Gentlemen is aghast with news of trike obtainance delay.
It may be time to blackball you , be ready to return tattoo, keys,£500 deposit and a front hub.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Sep 2011)

well i have spent a lot of time smurfing the net and there are only a few things left to ponder.

trail at 32lbs 3" shorter than road, gearing about right, seat at lowest setting is 39 degrease, but folds so getting in house would be easy, it is supposed to make the frame stiffer as well, if going with bar-end shifters and bb7 brakes ect same as road equipment about same price.

road at33lbs gearing same as trail seat is at 37 degrease a 1/2" lower but should not be that big a problem getting in house
lard
expedition 35lbs gearing a bit higher than the other two, big back wheel so ride should be better? same hight as road, but would i have problems getting it in the house? would have to slide boom in and out when putting it in the car, not a massive problem as they are quick realise but still, potential for problems.


i am leaning toward the trail with bar-end shifters, i have not found any hints yet as to what the new road spec will be or when.

...............................lardlard
...............................lardlard
...........................lardlardlardlard
.
...............................lard lard
.
.................................lard
..............................lArdlaRd
.
.........................lardlard


----------



## n-ick (11 Sep 2011)

Yo Cos,
nae mind smurfin t'net.
Get slapping Pot Noodle on t'walls.
Blackballing meeting coming up soon , 
has tha' anything to plead ?
Send money soon .

Will t'new machine aid *RECOVERY?*

If tha's going for a class machine, then sell t'house and get a Vortex.
Way t'weather's going tha' might get a right vortex 2morrow.


----------



## byegad (11 Sep 2011)

My Trail is a 2011 model, so has the adjustable/foldable seat back. It is stiff and climbs well, a couple of gears in real terms higher than my overloaded QNT. So a bank i climb in a 17" gear on the QNT is easily possible on a 22" gear on the Trail. I geared the Trail down for big hills but for a strong rider the original gearing won't be far off. Avoid BB5s like the plague, an extra £55 as you buy will get you BB7s and I fitted bar end changers, and a new rear dérailleur for less than the but new upgrade fee. 

TBH the twist grips make the already twitchy low to mid speed steering even more twitchy. Why they fit them I'll never know. 

Compared to the QNT the steering is heavy, but with a much better turning circle, and the handling at speed is as good, although still with heavier steering.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> My Trail is a 2011 model, so has the adjustable/foldable seat back. It is stiff and climbs well, a couple of gears in real terms higher than my overloaded QNT. So a bank i climb in a 17" gear on the QNT is easily possible on a 22" gear on the Trail. I geared the Trail down for big hills but for a strong rider the original gearing won't be far off. Avoid BB5s like the plague, an extra £55 as you buy will get you BB7s and I fitted bar end changers, and a new rear dérailleur for less than the but new upgrade fee.
> 
> TBH the twist grips make the already twitchy low to mid speed steering even more twitchy. Why they fit them I'll never know.
> 
> Compared to the QNT the steering is heavy, but with a much better turning circle, and the handling at speed is as good, although still with heavier steering.





£150 for upgrading to bb7, Shimano Deore LX SGS Rear Derailleur, Shimano Dura-Ace Bar End Shifters, Truvativ Elita EXO 165mm Triple, Truvativ GXP bottum bracket, 30/39/52 (just the 42 for a 39), Super Guard 130BCD chain guard.

difrence
bb7 £20
Shimano Deore LX SGS £5
Shimano Dura-Ace Bar End Shifters £10
Truvativ Elita EXO 165mm Triple ?
GXP bottum bracket £6
39 t ?
Super Guard 130BCD chain guard £5
lard £0.65
so about £55 at the factory

post delivery 
£55 bb7
£20 Derailleur
£1.99 lard
£50 end shifters
i probably would change one of the front rings, so about £5
£125 post delivery with out chainging Truvativ Elita EXO 165mm Triple, GXP bottum bracket, Super Guard 130BCD chain guard.


i hate twist grips i find them almost impossible with my bad hand, any type of moisture or lard, i would have to wear grip gloves and the seam to eat changer cables. just about every one on a trike that uses them has the gear change shudder from behind it looks like they are swerving around a invisible pot hole.


----------



## n-ick (12 Sep 2011)

Yo Cos,
good choice dude. I have grip twist changers,my mobile queue monkey and horizontal disadvantaged mechanic is quite quick at supplying and changing them.

I can see no invisible pot holes on the road to *RECOVERY.*
Are the signs there or is it yellow lines and no entry?

We have huge shining black humming monolith in the garden, would be of use to tha' ?


----------



## byegad (12 Sep 2011)

The SRAM twist grips are nice quality, but because it's direct steer a move sideways on the bars is a steering input and I found it difficult to keep a straight line while changing. I rode it a few times with them and was getting better at not turning while changing but a double shift was impossible as I couldn't keep straight when both changers were moved. I fitted friction only bar ends which ran me around £50 from SJS cycles. I had a brand new Deore rear mech' in my parts box which I fitted as the pull Ratio of the SRAM mech made it very hard, but not impossible to set up, the pulll of the changer being only just enough to get all 9 gears and then only sometimes. 

BB7s are £55 a side to buy, the Upgrade before purchase is £55. Worth it, every single penny.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cos,
> good choice dude. I have grip twist changers,my mobile queue monkey and horizontal disadvantaged mechanic is quite quick at supplying and changing them.
> 
> I can see no invisible pot holes on the road to *RECOVERY.*
> ...



yes but you first have to catch your mobile lard monkey and at you considerable advanced state of decrepitude this is likely to course a embolism or horrible piles.

if it is the monolith i put out for the bin men last night you can keep it, as it has all the waist sink of my perpetual motion generator that has been running now for 5 years and just keep producing increasing amounts of q energy, which blows up any thing that tries to use it, in fact any idea's on how to turn it off without turning 50 cubic miles of the earths crust inside out at a molecular level would be welcome.


----------



## byegad (12 Sep 2011)

Show your perpetual motion machine to any half way decent Physicist. One or the other will evaporate in a puff of logic. IF you're lucky and like every other perpetual motion inventor, a bit mad, it'll be the machine.


----------



## n-ick (12 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmomodo,
we have a large black hole in the front garden, would would this be of any use?
It is currently putting out Hawking radiation and several flocks of pigeons have been sucked into it.
It has also slowed time down in Middle England.

This above all other considerations will perpetually aid the route to 
*RECOVERY.*

Once again I would refer you to next year's diary and 
any special events that should be Marked.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Sep 2011)

easter! 

normaly as soon as you put a load to a perpetual motion machine it slows down and stops! this increases speed but not all is hunky dory, a light bulb dose not get bright it gets dark, as in the absence of light. 
it has no particle plication so i have just left it as a curiosity.

i went in to the office today! and am going in tomorrow, i was in there from 14:00 to 16:40 the office chairs are a pain and kill my hip.
going in tomorrow at 10: to 15:30 ish, doing phones and dater entry.
if i can manage that long.


----------



## n-ick (13 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmos,
wow!! back with the wonderful world of work and how to avoid it.
Dater entry looks good, do have a wrap around eyepiece like on Startrek?

I saw a roadkill body beside the road, it had 4 legs and feathers, was it yours?


----------



## byegad (13 Sep 2011)

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Lard is he curse of the semi mechanical man. Wanting a third trike is a sign of terminal trikitis vulgaris.


----------



## n-ick (13 Sep 2011)

Yo Cos,
are you in one of these cells?

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yhsVLdmtKI&feature=relmfu


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Sep 2011)

er nope not got a computer yet, might get one monday, i have to sit at a desk and pretend to be doing some think in case the head of department walks through to tell us we are all doing very well.
tomorrow i will introduced to the telephone, it is voip system people how have been using it for 4 years still have not worked it all out yet!
the chair is sort of like sitting on one of them been bag things but full of bent nails broken bricks and horse dung some one periodical sticks a hot knife in my back.


----------



## n-ick (14 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino,
sympathies matey, had 10 years in t'council office.
Just agree with everyone, don't volunteer for anything and for Christ sake *DON'T* come up with any ideas.Keep a low profile and blend into the wallpaper. Keep tha' intray full.

Get good at making tea, going to meetings without falling asleep,collecting lottery money and looking busy.We had a mini golf course through the engineers office.That was before the yoyo craze took over.
With regards to action plans/targets/annual reports , we just changed the date on the front, nobody noticed.

Actual work might take up a small % of your day.Remember the higher up they are the less they know.

Is this the actual* RECOVERY?* or is there more to come?


----------



## byegad (14 Sep 2011)

You'd fit in well with Durham County council, when asked 'How many people work for the Council?', the leader of the majority party said 'About half of them.' Just make sure you get in the right half.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2011)

there will be three of us taking calls putting jobs on for taking messages doing orbit searches on, ongoing jobs ect for 65 staff + the overflow on the phone system from all other departments, so if they cant be bothered to answer the phone it comes to us to sort out.

the training i have had so for is.
"ok to enter a new job"brrrrrr brrrrr "hello ...... ...... ....... sue speaking bla bla bla 10mins later "ok you have to deside which of the 5 dater/ job entry systems we" brrrrr brrrrr "hello ......... ......... ...... sue speaking bla bla bla 10 mins later" what was we ding? ho yes" brrrr brrrrr brrrrrr. ect.



we had a 15 minuet uninterrupted how to log on to the phone system, then the phones went in to over drive again.

i got home last night made a trike cover for the hand bike so i can go in on that today, then did a 30 mile ride got in at just gone 9 i will do some work on the head light cowling s as there is a bit two much light hitting the screen. they would be best up on the screen but as i have to take it off to get in the house i think it would be a faff, i could fit them to the brackets but they would be vulnerable or the fitments would have to be heavy,
the only other option is to fit them inside the screen up at the front but would need a bracket fastening to the screen with bolts.


----------



## byegad (14 Sep 2011)

Phone work is easy. I did it for 9 years. 
Rules to remember.
1. They need something from you. 
2. Only you can decide to give it to them.
3. If its possible and easy, do it.
4. If it's possible but hard to do, ask a colleague how to do it. If you act thick enough said colleague may well do it for you, it will save them time.
5. If it's impossible to do, tell the caller it can't be done.
6. If it's impossible and the caller still insists you have a choice.
a. Tell them you'll do it, and put a note on the account to say you tried but department X stopped you. Make sure department X is a big one and they are really busy.
b. Pass the problem to someone else. Supervisors get paid to know more than you, they deserve to work for the extra money they get. So let them.
7. If all else fails tell the caller you can't hear them, repeat back things they've said translated to rubbish (You should be good at this!) and ask them to call back. With luck someone else will get the call. 

While the organisation will have rules about how many calls you take and how long they should last and how much time between calls you are allowed to make note, drink coffee and breathe. They are merely rules and can be broken. 

I worked with one woman who had excellent statistics and took twice as many calls as anyone else on the team. She did this by doing nothing, except answer the phone. So the caller got a really helpful woman who said yes to everything, but did not action any requests. It took the firm three years to sack her. If you do some real work you could last to retirement age, whenever that might be.


----------



## byegad (14 Sep 2011)

P.S. 

If they give you a computer and you can get online you could haunt Cycle Chat every day. 

Computers are a great way to look busy and if you have your head down typing people will leave you alone.

Learn what locks up your computer. I worked with a guy who took a 40 minute break every day while his computer re booted and he installed all his settings. He'd learnt how to lock it up and it took IT years to work out how he did it. Meantime he'd been promoted to team leader!


----------



## n-ick (14 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimonoi,
tha's going to be a credit to t'white collars of Middle North. I only wish that I lived in your area and had a direct line.
We have a large snail on the patio heading in your direction.Have a care sir and bolt tha' doors at night.

Is tha' on the premium rate *RECOVERY *line?
If tha's "cheeky whip boy", then I'll have a refund.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2011)

i do 5 difrent 0898 numbers on the side, it can be a bit confusing, if there are any of the medium to high Walters drifting about. 
10 miles on the hand bike today, 22 miles on the trike.


----------



## n-ick (14 Sep 2011)

Yo Csomono,
tha' must indeed be the most talented white collar in Lower North England. If indeed that was you as"shifty priest will whip confessions from you" on line 6, then I want double my refund. I found your advice useless, it must have been you when you started on about lard.

I saw an extremely large hedgehog tonight moving in your direction. Bolt tha' doors sir and don't put out dogfood.Tha'll get a good view wi' big moon out.

Will multi-tasking lead you faster down the road to *recovery* ?


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Sep 2011)

lard has been lacking this week, the number of pepole on fad diets "eating a grape fruit after a five course dinner burns all the fat off" ect. i did point out they can eat what they wont if they burn it off, i was looked at as though insane and asked what was the secret to my defined athletic fizeek, "er about 200miles of trike/hand bike riding a week".....


----------



## n-ick (16 Sep 2011)

Yo Coismio,
tha' are indeed as svelte and cord like, the very Adonis of trikism.

In Middle England we have not only "salad dodgers", but enormous portions of chips fried in beef
dripping. This is working as natural selection , which will eventually lead to a race of svelte whippet people.Average age about 80.

We are indeed looking forward to your efforts in the North.I understand that you are in room 101.

Beware sir, burnings over intake will thwart the *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (16 Sep 2011)

If you only eat food with no vowels in their names you'll lose weight. 

It's called Vowel Disorder. 

As we are leaving page 40 of this ramble several things are worth the teams notice.

1. No word of RECOVERY.* 
*2. Our sun Bronzed Geek God has not yet found a spell checker that works.
and finally.
3. *Life begins at forty. *


----------



## n-ick (16 Sep 2011)

Yo,
being a dater checker he has no need of speling. I also doubt that being a call girl, he has no need of either spelling or command of the English language.

I am constantly looking forward to *THE RECOVERY*.
Some nights I wake up with nothing else on my mind.
I assume there is nothing on Cosmo's
mind.

*Life begins at 60.
*


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Sep 2011)

the smell flicker is walking thin what is ur pink languid systematic gravy cycle!
i am limping around the office filling different meaningless forms that link to other meaningless systems so some one can punch up very impressive figures, that are totally pointless and can be manipulated to say what you wont.
one girl was today loudly informing every one about her problems expressing milk, problems at weight watchers, while eating a full box of chocolate finger biscuits.

the spank and whip phone-lines are doing well.

i got the conformation back from wooler there are some places left, the fancy dress them this year is English civil war.
i am waiting to hear if the flat knot will be asked to put on another historically inaccurate half gassed re-enactment i was thinking of the charge of the light brigade ?


----------



## Speicher (16 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i got the conformation back from wooler there are some places left, the fancy dress them this year is English civil war.
> i am waiting to hear if the flat knot will be asked to put on another historically inaccurate half gassed re-enactment i was thinking of the charge of the light brigade ?



The charge of the light brigade? Is that when you get an Eccentricity Bill?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Sep 2011)

we have some bikes with generators victims volunteers will peddle there giblets out to run the lights ect. 
the flat knot is studious in getting as little as possible historically correct! 


There have been a lot of rumors about this but now most of what we all thought is confirmed. Catrike is streamlining their product offerings for 2012. The Dash and Musashi are gone (but due to popular demand you can order the Musashi through the end of the year). The 9-Speed and R-Spec options are also gone. Catrike blames low sales of those particular trikes and options for the changes. My educated guess is that there is also a need to streamline production in preparation for possible new models. Some less noticeable changes are a price increase to $2150 for the Villager and Trail models due to increased material costs and a switch to twist shifters on all but the 700 and Expedition. More details can be found here. Updated with some remarks from Mark Egelend at Catrike…

_· Pocket remains unchanged and at old price $1,950_

_· Trail and Villager will go to $2,150_

_· The Speed remains in our lineup (this is the Catrike Paulo rides after all). Price remains the same at $2,350 and dedicated group will be the 27 Twist_

_· Road remains in our lineup as is at $2,350 with the dedicated 27 Twist group. A new version is in the works without a pre-determined launch date or price._

_· We will keep offering the Musashi until end of 2011. We have experienced a lot of interest for it, it is a great bike and we can keep filling orders until all spots are filled._

_· We make the R group until we run out of stock_

_· The Dash is no longer available_

_· 9 Speed Group is no longer available_

_· Dedicated groups start October 1st_

_don't like the going to "__the 27 Twist" i think i will phone up on Monday, yes there is a new road but no date as to when!
_


----------



## n-ick (16 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimo,
once again the depth and clarity of tha' expertise is a wonder.
I wonder if there will ever be *RECOVERY?*

We have a cardboard box full of old bits, is this of use?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Sep 2011)

at wooler there will be a sort of beetle drive but using the good bits of riders to make a Frankenstein monster.
it has been going around and around back and forth and i am settling on the catrike speed, a full on speed trike and the ice for touring.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Sep 2011)

i have done 5 days in the office 4 x 6hrs and 1 x 4hrs and feel like i was kicked by a donkey for the entire time, last nights walk to the back door to enable ingress of the normsky normanoff was straight out of the ministry of funny walks.

i will phone up about the new trike today but have spotted this, My poseble new trike.

i have been doing absolutely no research for the flat knot re-enactment, if some one would like to do it, it will be some thing for the members to ignore / totally screw up and hopefully make the entire thing a bigger farce. any one with historically correct costume my well be picked on relentlessly as a nurdenstine!


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Sep 2011)

a very dashing man wrote a book i will read it next week http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5136


no news on the siege engine i am hopeful, please send lard and pile ointment mother!


----------



## n-ick (17 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimodo,
tha' must slow down and not show up steady office working. Surely by now it must be time to book off some double sick time.

The Comittee of Gentlemen Trikers is in favour of re-anactment , but in historical order.
We are keen to start with the Big Bang, then dinosaurs,
then the crucifiction, the moon landing and finally Cosmo falling off his bent. In your absence we have volunteered you to play all parts, including the final trials of testing escape velocity.
We are to film these events as part of our Olympic presentation.

Surely a good dose of Wooler water ( passed by the comittee) will aid *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Sep 2011)

Dear Mum, thank you for the pile cream and lard, can you label the jars next time as we had a bit of a accident this morning and i spent the rest of the day smelling like a fry-up. please don't send any more balaclavas as 23 is all i can use for the time being.
i have been asked to do "big bang II" but think i will turn it down, for another offer i have in the pipe line from the KGB, they want me to blue lard glue lard then when the photographs of blue lard with the Viking helmet flippers and snorkel is published his reputation as blue lard, will be shot.
last weeks trip to blue lard was a total success the price of lard will rocket.


----------



## n-ick (18 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha' art indeed a paragram of sado machischism.

With that in mind, Spud has developed a lard based facial hair
removant. This much we have established;
-it must be applied at boiling point,
-use of a mirror is not advised for some time,
-tha' must keep away from all small animals, again for some time.

As an unwilling volunteer , we have the first batch ready for 
trials
at Wooler city.

Surely this above all other applications will put you in 
pole *RECOVERY* position.

I beleive the comittee has received blackballing requests.Have a care sir.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Sep 2011)

i have been approached be a want to be recumbernaught from the Netherlands, he wishes to acquire my high racer, the bike
but i would have to dismantle it and pack it all up and have it shipped over. this in it self is not a massive problem, but some thing i have not done so unaware of any pit falls along the way. 
when i got the bike out for the photo shoot i was so tempted to go for a ickle ride up and down the road, it is like a drug, it was calling to me, i did attempt a sit/ not stand up on it while holding on to the hand rail, feet on crank in riding position was bliss but getting in to and out of that position was a $*$£"£) er "_pain"_ i would be ok on it if i did not have to stop or start off.
i think i will have to turn the chap down in Holland he sounds a nice bloke but it will be a pain, literally! sorting the bike out for shipping and i would much prefer to have some one come and have a go on it and be confident they are 100% happy rather than some one how has just seen some photographs.

i did a 30 mile ride again yesterday the screen is amazing in showery / torrential rainy, windy horrible weather it just makes the rides comfortable, with just a wind stopper gilt on i was at perfect temperature, in the heavy down pours i just put my zip up jacket on back to front and tuck the front "now the back" in ether side of the seat, this keeps my chest dry "my legs are protected by the screen" but allows plenty of ventilation to my back through the seat.

i have also moved my lights to under the cruciform to see what they are like there the low angle should work well at showing up the road surface.
the hand bike is in dry dock with a flat tyre " only the bit at the bottom but i don't like just using 4/5 of the circumference as when the laws of _physics _notice what i am doing it can get a bit snotty about is and pout for days.

i did order some inner tubes on Friday that got here Saturday 123miles 5hrs "i nipped out to the shop, cant have been gone 5mins" yep card in letter box cant deliver parcel! ggggrr it will take three days and me going the 7 miles to pick it up as they are only open for 27 minuets every alternate Wednesday unless the moon is in its third quarter then i will need three letters from the pope one oz of picksy dust and a tulip to be allowed to make a appointment to go and request my parcel be handed over.

copy of latest missive to mater.

the copy of drain unblockers monthly you sent was interesting and have passed it around the office with some appreciation from the recipients. something in a lighter vane might be better next time. i think you have been reading the knitting pattern upside down again as the socks you sent appear to have two heels. 
the cake was good but please stop putting hacksaw blades in it as the boss says i am allowed out now as long as i keep tugging the string around my neck.
next week one of the long-term inmates gets his release he has done 38years and looks a bit shocked all the time since he got the news he keeps mumbling things and giggling, i found him in the stationery cubbed doing some thing with one of the box-folders i will not describe but it will haunt me for the rest of my days, i think he is instertutanalised and needs a good long sit down chat with the speicher with possibly a cup of hot sweet tea.

next week i am going to be filing some of the old job reports one about blue lard is quite interesting and will take several days to cross reference as the donkey crops up in several case's.


----------



## Speicher (18 Sep 2011)

If he is good and sat down with me, he would not need sugar in his tea. I am sweet enough as it is, thank you. 

I also have a fascination with Box Files, so we would have something in common. 38 years is a life sentence, is he out on Probation? What was his crime?


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> I also have a fascination with Box Files, so we would have something in common. 38 years is a life sentence, is he out on Probation? What was his crime?



you don't put........ stickers on them do you?

he wondered in to trading standards one day and appeard to have a bit of knowledge about the subject so they kept him. 
the first rule of local authority office club is shown no aptitude for any thing, the second rule of local authority office club is agree with every thing the boss says, the third rule of local authority office club is never have a initiative thought, the fourth rule of local authority office club is always know where your lard is.


----------



## Speicher (18 Sep 2011)

I am dismayed to learn that I am not el gullible to join the LA la Hofficer's Club. Of the four rulements, I could only comply with the fourthly one.

No, I do not put stickers on my Box Files.. ....whatever next? I do admit to writing the name of the content of the spine of the Box in large lettres in a very soft, 9B, wooden writing implement so that it is not messy to amendise the name of the content. One simply utilises a large eraseur, not gallons of Tippetex. I am sorry if that relevation offends you.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Sep 2011)

but .... but tippetex is liquid gold i even use it on my word-processing attempts! the head of department keeps scraping it of the screen, it makes it very hard to get anything done you know.
the box file mountain was last indexed / shoved very hard so the door would close 4 years ago as there is yet another impending move of office it needs sorting asap just in time so when we get the new office it can all be randomly shoved in any space available and left to turn in to compost.


next week after my office accident prevention course  i will be allowed to swap the round nosed scissors for some grown up one as long as i promise not to run with them.


"a very soft, 9B, wooden writing implement" errrr iss it  red  with a rubber on the end? 
back in a bit must have a not stand up with wet flannel on my head.


----------



## Speicher (18 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> "a very soft, 9B, wooden writing implement" errrr iss it  red  with a rubber on the end?
> back in a bit must have a not stand up with wet flannel on my head.



No, it is about seven inches long, black and there is no rubber on the end. So I do not think that it is yours! 

I have had it a long time, but do not use it very often because it is so soft.


----------



## n-ick (18 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmofficio,
just in time, the Spud has perfected a range of useless ofice gear. This included the thigh driven pencil sharpener, the foot operated stapler and a most curious device ( the sound annhilator),whereby you cannot hear any phones ringing. Well he's developed that to the extent whereby you can't hear anything . This has the advantage that you won't be bothered by questions or phones.

We have had word from the Netherlands ( Dutch league of flat recumbent tricyclism) , that not only are they seconding blackballing , but wish to apply for extradition. A gentleman would have invited said eager cash laden lowlander to his garret and sent him away happy, but releived of his Euros. Take note sir.

In all these manifestations , I note with alarm that* RECOVERY* is not only being overlooked but thwarted.
Are tha' there yet?


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Sep 2011)

you know i have just realised the paps have stopped flowing me! is my notoriety dwindling? do i need to get my self plastered all over the tabloids again? if i get my manly chest out at some c list seleb thing i might be back on the tv and get another million quid for having no discernible talent, skill or lard.


"A gentleman would have invited said eager cash laden lowlander to his garret and sent him away happy, but releived of his Euros."
i would love to do this but! i need to first dismantle the bike, wrap and pack it all in a custom made box, arraigning delivery hope that it gets there without damage trust that the chap can build it all back up without blaming me when he stuffs up ect. in my week and feeble condition! i wuld much prefer to have some one come lick the bike fondle it and take it away with them happy.

i have received another care package, but am perplexed as to what a tea strainer 5ft of thin copper pipe, several large corks with holes in them, one bubble trap, 3lb of yeast and 6lbs of sugar could possibly be used for? there is a note written on a lard wrapper.

"son this kit will keep you happy for a bit, i have been using it to run my car for the last year, also makes it easer to got the stuff about, if you follow the instructions you will have hairy palms in a week. "

you know i am beginning to think i might be the only sane person i know!


----------



## n-ick (18 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
HM government has already passed you as completely insane and awaiting mothballing on the next aircraft carrier.Plans are for hang glider attack with catapult launching,,,,, your name is down... beware sir.

I meant no disrespect to your blatent and flatulant lack of intellect, but I had imagined that if Johnnie Foreigner has contacted you then it would be only kindness to invite him over to collect said dangerous recumbent.

Not only would this promote entent cordial, but might ensure that you get free holidays in the flatlands of Edam.The Dutch live in a land down under without hills , but with endless cycle paths and good beer. Can you refrain from squandering such an oppurtunity? Think of the children , the poor dogs, the orphaned cats....

I appreciate that lower middle England is indeed the pit of inbred depravity, but the least you could do would be to keep him in a cage at the bottom of the garden until Euros were handed over. I would expect no better treatment myself.

I note that in the past that your area was not adverse to Viking invasion. Proof being your Norse like stature and the horns growing from each side of tha' head.

Beware sir, dark forces are moving across the Channel.
Act now in order to save the *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Sep 2011)

my problem is the inability to dismantle the bike and pack it all up. 
i have phoned to try and order a catrike speed but get the nanswer thingy mebob, i await with baited breath. 
just want to make sure that it is the 451 rear and not the 406, less tyre choice with the 451 but i will be running durano tyres on it choose what i get.

letter to the times "i do not read the times but it just seems like the thing to do"

sir i am disgusted!
yours disgusted of rotherham.


letter to random address i found on line, this is a fantastic hobby, you do a letter print off some and send them to any address you come across, most you never get any thing back from but now and again you get a response.

this letter is for the poor sod that has to open all the letters, sort out what goes to how and never gets on themselves. 
I’m going to include jokes here. Think of it and hopefully it’ll make you laugh or smile when you’re giving out the letters to every one else. 

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stop out the burning ducks.



What’s brown and sticky? 

A stick.



There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who know binary, and those who don’t.



How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? 

A buccaneer



A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks confused, and says, “Uh, you have a drink named Larry?”



Where does the king keep his armies? 

In his sleevies. 



Two fish in a tank. The first fish says to the second fish, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”



What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? 

I think you would call that a stick.



Did you know that Michael Jordan can jump higher than your house? 

Yeah…my house can’t jump at all.



What to vegetarian zombies say?

GRAAAAAAAINNNSSSS…



Why did the cowboy have a wiener dog? 

Because somebody told him to get a long little doggie. 



What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? 

One says, “Whack! Darn!” The other says, “Darn! Whack!”



What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner (A-flat minor).



Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

All the sailors were marooned!




now go and put your feet up have a nice cup of tea and phone some one you have thought of often but keep forgetting to call.


----------



## byegad (20 Sep 2011)

The Speed has 16" front wheels and a 20" rear which is a 406. I went for the trail as it's 406 all round.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2011)

I think the listing on the uk sight is for last year as the speed was on a 406 rear for a short time but is back on a 451 now.

i have been looking at all the trikes they do, i have discounted the 700 and expedition with the large back wheel it would make it hard for a person in my frail condition to get in the house, the trail was a hard one with the folding seat 3 x 406 it is attractive but i have my trice q which dose the same thing as the trail + rear suspension.

i am looking for a replacement for the bacchetta, the seat on the speed is the same angle as the high race and the peddles are about the same hight above the seat, it should go in and out of the house ok and at 30lbs is only slightly heavier than the high racer. 
even with the extra wheel  

uk sight, standard colours, Silver Cat or Graphite, Wheel Rear 20" (406) , Bottom Bracket Height 15" (381mm)


us sight, standard colours, Graphite or Orange, Rear wheel 20" (451) ,Bottom Bracket Height 16" (406 mm)


http://www.catrike.com/catrike_speed.html
Standard ColoursGraphite, Orange, lardTotal Length 6' 3" (1.91 m)Total Width 31 1/2" (800 mm)Total Height 22" (559 mm)Bracket Height 16" (406 mm)Seat Angle29° Ergo Seat (from horizontal)Seat Height 7" (178 mm)Seat Width 14" (355 mm)Wheel Base 39" (991 mm)Wheel Track 27 1/2" (699 mm)Turning Circle 16' 6" (5.03 m)Turning Radius 8' 1/4" (2.52 m)Ground Clearance 2 1/4" (57 mm)Front Wheels349 (16")Rear Wheel451 (20")Weight30 lbs (13.6 kg)Rider Weight Limit275 lbs (125 kg)http://www.wheelnv.co.uk/speed.html
TECHNICAL DATAFIT & ERGONOMICS COMPONENTS* FEATURES • Wheels Front 16" (349mm) 
• Wheel Rear 20" (406mm)
• Weight 30lb (13.6Kg) 
• Wheel Base 39 " (990.6mm) 
• Wheel Track 27.5" (699mm)
• Total Width 31.5" (800mm) 
• Seat Height 7" (178mm)
• Turning Circle 16' 6" (5.03m) 
• Turning Radius 99 ” (2515mm) 
• Gear Inch Range 19" to 95"
• Ground Clearance 2.25” (57.15mm) 

• 29 Degrees Seat (from horizontal) 
• Rider Weight Limit 275Lb.
• Seat Width 14" (355mm)
• Bottom Bracket Height 15" (381mm) 
• X-Seam 39 to 46" 
• (Option Extra Long Boom Up to 53")• 27 Speed Drive Train 
• Shimano Dura Ace Bar End Shifters 
• Shimano Deore LX Rear Derraileur 
• Avid BB7 Mechanical Disc Brakes 
• Avid FR5 Flat Pull Brake Lever 
• Truvativ Elita EXO 165mm Triple
• SRAM PG 950 11-32 cassette 
• KMC X9 Chain 
• *TerraCycle* Sport power idler 

*Standard Colours: *Silver Cat or Graphite (Exclusive)* 
Optional Colours:
Basic *RRP £65 (White, Yellow, Orange, Red, Blue, Black, Lime Green or Pink)*
Candy* RRP £95 (Red, Blue Purple) *
Sparkle *RRP £95 (Orange, British Racing Green)
*
*

• Schwalbe Kojak/Durano 
• New Boom Clamp System
• Ackerman Compensation
• No Brake Steer
• Self Centering
• Clipless Pedals
• Mirror
• Computer Sensor Mount
• Aluminum Rod Ends
• PTFE Chain Tube 
• Ergo Seat 
• Double Bend Frame 
• Space neck rest


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2011)

to day i killed my computer at work, just typing a lard mail and computer went puff, started rebooting then went puff.

phoned the "have you turned it off and on again?" department had a bit of fun getting under the desk and even better fun getting back out again. gosh how i did chuckle!
after unplugging, plugging leads ect in and out power off then on ect, there considered opinion is "its knacked pal" so went back to pretending to type for a bit then came home.

it may be 2 to 4 days before some one comes to look at it and if it is "its knacked pal" another 2 to 4 days to get a replacement!

in the old days, i was reliably informed by one mist eyed college, "if my pencil broke i would go over to the sharpener on the bosses desk and give it a turn or two and bobs your uncle back in the thick of it".
they were dangerous times though big lumps of wood with big spikes sticking out of them to put the work dockets on pigeon holes by the door for messages and filing cabernets! 

in our paperless office  we stack all the print offs that every one has to do to cover there backs in old card board boxes shoved up against the wall near the fire doors, we have to move them every other month when the health and safety tour is done  
simpler times


----------



## n-ick (20 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmodo,
tha' must indeedy be the denizen vampyr of paperwork.
We used to send anyone new down to IT to ask for Mike Rosoft to come up, Hugh Rinal in cleansing and Connie Furze in parks.
Basically we spent 10 years inventing projects and targets, none of wich we acheived.
On the positive side they paid us far too much money and left us alone.We surfaced at fire practice,didn't fall asleep in meetings and agreed with whatever we were told. 

Has the *RECOVERY* been shelved, filed or forgotten about?

Don't know why you're bothering with another silly trike, one's enough. Unless you are planning on more legs. 

Spud as a new batch of burger jam ready, sealed with lard.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2011)

i discoverer d some things today, it takes 26 lairs of tipex painted over the word lard to reach a depth of 0.24mm a dead monitor can be used as a mirror for must ash trimming, you can not fit your tie in the post franking machine but if scanned then printed on the colour laser printer you can make a cut out clip-on!


tonight's ride was nice little pain, the cars were reasonably well behaved there was a fantastic sunset, some good jazz on radio 2, bliss.

as i was floating along thinking of 26th of july 1976, 4:35pm nothing happens special at that time but it was a hot day, i was sat on the little wall out side our council pyramid watching the painter and decorator gloss painting his van, he did this about three times a year with what ever he had left in the back, my dad said the van was 20 years old and must have doubled in weight with all the paint on it. 
thick dribles of tar were runing out or the telegraf pole at the side of me and i was using it to stick twigs together and bits of paper.....and milke bottles.... and laybirds...... and was just wondring if i stick the tar encrusted finger up my nose would it stick? when the thought struck me gosh 26th of july 1976, 4:35pm that was a nice time it was also the last time i have seen white dog poo, the dog warden says dogs were given bones a lot more then. 26th of july 1976, 4:35pm i can eaven remember counting the stings on my leg from walking through the nettle patch at the side of the fence.
i was destined for the bath living in a 3 bedroomed flat with the same insulation found in a shed .... with holes in it, one open fire as the only source of heating was entertaining, according to my dad how could not walk much, i got the entertainment of fetching the buckets of coal in, the entertainment of taking the ash bucket out, the entertainment of on a winters night runing from the bath room, which even on 26th of july 1976, would be absolutely freezing to stand infront of the fire to get dried.
the bath was in my futer but on 26th of july 1976 at 4:35pm it was a long, long time off nearly 4 hours! 



no i dont need another trike, i have been saving up and decided i would like another trike something with the reclined seat and high Bottom Bracket Height, just for the hell of it, some thing a bit different to the one i ride every day for my exorcise.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2011)

the lights moved to under the cruciform seem to be doing the job.


----------



## n-ick (21 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino,
Holy Ratmobile Satman! Tha' has a poetic turn of storytelling.Tha' has swallowed and digested a whole dictionary.
Has tha' ever thought of sign language ?

I understand that your talk at Wooler has been fully booked.We are looking forward to "Literature of the 16th Century."

The Spud has a 2 wheeled trike that'll fold down for postage. We could arange a drop by parachute.

I have been at the Runes, is there *RECOVERY? *


----------



## Speicher (21 Sep 2011)

The Runes? is that the Hostelry in the High Street?


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2011)

It was until last night. Now after the fight it's the ruins.


----------



## n-ick (21 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmius,
has tha' *RECOVERY* stumbled ?
We are advocating a positive mental Attitude. Spud as developed
an electrostatic positive mental Attitude producing device, which exudes 
crackling green and blue sparks of some size and fear.
We have had some preliminary trials. 
Now we are sorting out electrodes from the collection.

Surely this against all other devices would see you right.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Sep 2011)

i did not partake ether of the trikes today as tit was blowing a bit here abouts! 


there is no need to make some electrodes i have had several permanently implanted in my skull it was when going through the "take over the world ha ha ha ha ha ha" faze i was going through, but i got better.

the wooler talk might be off, as after submitting a draft presentation a request for 5 hours to be cut was made, 16 diagrams were considered two shocking to show and the hands on "live! sort of" demonstration deemed way over budget, as the restrains would have to be bolted on to a table for the victim subjects comfort. 

the works computer after a short chat lauding to recycling and large hammers came back to life, i think it needed a rest.

i am now aloud to use the tipex again! the stapler has been deemed not to be a offensive weapon as long as the staples can be pulled out without the use of pliers  this was decided at the first team meeting i have been to, i also got a hello my name is Mark sticker gosh i was so prowd one of the ladys drew a ikle bunny in the corner to make it speshal like me she said  the boss says i got the gist of every thing so quickly i don't have to got to another one all the others have to go ever week, "they must be a bit thick"
the lard rely hit the fan when some one reversed a taxi into one of the reinforcement officers cars today he claimed it was a accident


----------



## n-ick (22 Sep 2011)

Yo Coso,
tha' has again shown t'true spirit of indoor gentleman tricyclist.
Now and again it would not hurt to strip off and expose yourself , dressed for the road as a 
gentleman triker. 
Once a year you'll get "cycle to work day",ha, on the pretex of saving the planet.

It is little wonder they think you're special, we do , but not in that way.

In all the machinations there must be stagnation of *RECOVERY.*
Is it time for you to withdraw from the efforts we have made and go it alone?

Take care sir. Eyes are watching you, fingers are twitching on
the trigger. Beware of AUDIT.


----------



## byegad (22 Sep 2011)

Is it true that Rotherham Council has spent all of its stationary budget in the last week?

Is it a coincidence that yon Geek God (Sunbronzed and deep fried.) has spent a lot of time designing the perfect paper aeroplane in order to ascend to Olympus in time for the London games in order to avoid the 25hr a day 8 days a week TV coverage?

While your there Cosmos will you pick up some ambrosia? I really fancy some creamed rice.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Sep 2011)

i have commuted to work on the hand bike, once last week and twice(so far) this week it is a 10mile round trip and takes me 30 minuets going in to work and 45 to get home as some idiot put the hill in at the wrong end of town.

i have made a nice cover for the hand trike as it will not fit in to one of the 3 bike lockers we have for the 400 staff, one is full of bags of salt any way and i have only seen one bike in a locker once last week.

i did ask if i could get my new trike through the cycle to work thingy, i even pointed out that as and you all know i don't like to mention it i am a bit poorly it could be disebilety discrimination he did go a bit white at this point but he did start to breath a bit when i mentioned how much £ it was, as i knew he would he pounced on the £1000 limit as though his next diner was hiding under it (chubby chap) it was just a way to see if his last hart bypass was working 

tomorrow i am going to see the same chap about parking at the new office we are moving to, as there is only parking for managers "probably the people how would benefit from the walk through town to the multi story the most" and disabled. 
as under the new rules you can only have a blue badge if you have a condition that is not going to get any better for the rest of your life and they don't know whether i will or not, (i might wake up tomorrow and fined my leg has grown in the night) i cant use the disabled spaces or i will get a fine, but i can not make it to the multi story car par as it is a brisk 10 minuet walk.
it will give him some thing to do instead of following the enforcement officers around.
if he goes blue what do i do? it is a good job he is so big as i am positive he was trying to get under his desk when he herd the clack clack clack of my crutches coming down the hall.

well i think i will have a not stand up on my trike for a bit.


----------



## n-ick (22 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosm,
I would have assumed that you could park one of your trikes anywhere.
It might work if you drove in, then unloaded and cranked your way in.
If you require further references as to your status as a cranker or real brick, then don't 
pass on our details. Better to refer them to this very forum.

Spud is working on something spectacular for fireworks night. I think it's a catherine wheel about 
6ft across. A load of sugar, charcoal, salt petre and fertilizer have been used. Are you keen to 
strap it to your machine ?

Surely this will give a boost to the *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Sep 2011)

apparently they had some sort of meeting hr, gmb, management and some one from the occupational health services. they were in the meeting room opposite my lard desk which has glass walls so i kept going bozzeyed and making faces at the boss, he could only see me through the corner of his eye so i don't think he realised but the gmb rep may have done himself permanent harm not laughing. when anyone glanced out i gave them my extra special big grin and cheery wave 


some missing files / green sheets, that are in fact white why people cant call them what they are subject specific instantiating service request or enforcement first assessment dockets pc/vc 1-v.32 were found at the back of some ones desk how retierd two months ago 

10 miles on the hand bike and 25 on the trike today.

i do need references for the trip out side of Yorkshire next month for the visa, any volunteers?


----------



## n-ick (23 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmonaut,
looks like there might be plans to either derail or promote tha'.
I'd go along with promotion, seeing as the less you know and the more useless you are, the higher 
you'll float.

Tha'll have no difficulties heading North.Just paint a white arrow on tha' bonnet and follow it.Just slip passwords into the conversation, "lard" works aswell as
"this was tested by Spud" and " I come from Yorkshire".Standing in queues for us also helps.

Tha' could also flash the "League of Gentlemen Trikers" tattoo, which we branded into your back when you fell asleep drunk at York.

With such spirit of estcasy, is there *RECOVERY *on the horizon?

Take pills sir, our share of the pharmecuticle stock market is falling.The man with the short leg is to blame.


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2011)

It's not a passport for getting out of God's Own Glorious County that you need Mark. Yorkshire works on the premiss that anyone stupid enough to leave can damn well go. It's getting back in that can prove tricky. As you may well know I'm on missionary work to the heathens in County Durham so of course have a Yorkshire Undiplomatic passport, known colloquially as The Bloody Yorkshire Terrier. Anyone trying to stop me crossing the border into the blessed land will get their stupid heads bitten off. 

So, I'm on missionary work and therefore have an excuse for not living in that heaven on earth, jewel in the bright land of England, Yorkshire. Tha's no chance of getting back in, lad. Stay home and put another log on the fire.


----------



## n-ick (23 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimonaut,
we can smuggle back tha' back in the disguise of a *SOUTHERNER(passing through).*
Ignore folk, read t'Daily Mail,keep saying " I say old chap" and have a general air of superiority.

If caught tha' will be kept in a cage at the bottom of a garden.Just wait there while we figure 
a way to rescue you, or not.

Spud has just completed his evening class course, " Pottery and Practical Amputation part1". Would you care to be pressganged into becoming a study case ?

This above all else will ensure monopodal *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2011)

Nick's right you could pretend to be a Suverner. We're just back from the Cotswolds, where we heard lots of them. They can be very loud too!

So shout 'Old Chap' and talk about things no normal person would want to tell others at the top of your voice in the bar. We heard all about one woman's operation for fibroids over dinner on Wednesday. She was three tables away and couldn't say bath but referred to her relief when allowed to have a barf after her operaeyshun.


----------



## n-ick (23 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosimonaut,
'tis indeede a most thoughtless plan to get tha' out of any sitaution.
I'm afraid it's out with t'miners felt hat and ferret and in with Pimms and clean socks.

Spud is at this very moment working on a transfigmoration unit , based on an old wardrobe.
Enter it as a Mid Norther and by the turn of several very painful looking bolts exit as a middle class
south of middle earth twerp.Tha' ight easily pass as T'boss.

Surely such elevation above tha' naturally inbred grovelness will ensure permanent *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Sep 2011)

i am in a quandary what to do with the lard, at present it is hidden in a blue lard blue lard but moving the full stash might be a problem.
i have found out the surgeon that operated on my hip was not one! he just came over here said he was a surgeon and was allowed to have a go!!!


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2011)

Loads of money! You can now sue the NHS for enough to keep you in the manner to which I'd like to be accustomed.

Do it!


----------



## Speicher (23 Sep 2011)

Yes, then you can buy a big 'ouse, and the regulars on this thread can all come and live with you!

What fun we could have!


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Sep 2011)

yes but i am a picture of health and vitality according to some parts of the government, even though it looks like i will never again stalk the streets of Rotherham shouting "bring out your rats", there are no redeployment jobs  47 with a gimp and lets face it no flair for office work, i might as well go and jump of a bridge.




and now for some thing no different at all.
i have been reeding a fascinating 100 page booklet about hedge dispute resolution!
in a attempt to make my self a worth wile productive member of the "teem!" and cling to the micro thin sliver of hope that i might not be out on the roger roll just in time for xmas december 22nd is the day of doom belive it or not  having read, digested and cogitated on the said tome, it boils down to; your on your own pal!. 
i will present my synopsis to the other members of teem "customer interaction facilitators" it says this on the wall, above the key aims statement.
my god i am f($%&*g depressed.
i wonder if i could get a freelance gig writing government leaflets they would save a lot on glossy paper and ink.


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> Yes, then you can buy a big 'ouse, and the regulars on this thread can all come and live with you!
> 
> What fun we could have!




 I didn't know you were 'that sort' of girl.

But if we don't tell Mrs byegad it'll be OK!


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2011)

X-rays don't lie. Big gap in bone+false Dr.=£1000000s. Negligence by NHS Trust employing said fraud.


----------



## Speicher (23 Sep 2011)

Mrs Byegad might be pleased. You will have somewhere to store all your bicycles. She would no longer feel guilty about you sleeping out in a tent.

Mark could have a lounge specially dedicated to the adjustising of, and fettling with, bicicles.


----------



## Speicher (23 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> X-rays don't lie. Big gap in bone+false Dr.=£1000000s. Negligence by NHS Trust employing said fraud.



Not forgetting going to the top of the list to get it put right.


----------



## n-ick (24 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosiniomo,
wow, forget "lawyers for you".

Spud has just finished reading "Teach yourself Law". 
He had to return it to the library as there were no pictures in it.
However he is ready to take on your case and plea insanity.

It might help if your phone has been bugged over the last year. Just phone up Max Clifford and sell him your story of pain , deprivation and humiliation and that's before you leave the house.

Take care sir,this path could bring *RECOVERY* and spurning of the League.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Sep 2011)

after a lengthy consultation with my legal adviser (the spud) three things are clear; his understanding of medical malpractice is exceptional, he clearly explained how to do it, how to get away with it and how much to charge.
he is going to have a go at sorting me out when he has finished reading "the bumper book of home surgery, pop up edition" it should be next week some time.
he has some stainless spokes laying about and a hammer, rub a bit of lard on it and rap in brown paper, he says if he dose it quick it will not hurt much so to paracetamol will do, apparently all that fancy stuff in the hospital is for show.


----------



## n-ick (24 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosinious,
I hope that you appreciate that when your case does eventually come up, that there will be no
mitigating circumstances.

Spud ( now resplendent in his judicial wig knitted from dog hair) looked up mitigation and told me it's what birds do in winter.... errr....good luck.

In any event a short spell of electro-hydrotherapy will above all other curses aid your 
*RECOVERY.*

Beware sir, dark forces are at work, this very day I saw Guiness flavoured HP sauce.Your name is indeed on the list.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Sep 2011)

i do lists, to name but a short list, of the lists that i have listed, things i like with a "t" in them, what looks nice upside down, things i have gotten my finger stuck in, how as said aspidistra to day, the birds i have seen dead on the road, the birds i have picked up of the road, what type of swrews/ nails i have see at the side of the road and where "so if i need one i can know where to get one", the difrent types of lard and the licence plates of all the buses i have liked. 


i have put some of the older lard on ebay listed as a new and unsurpassed chain lubricant 100% biodegradable and edible.
with comprehensive instructions on how to use it.
remove your chain from the bike and put it in your best pan with the lard heat up until the lard melts and allow to stand on a low light for 16hrs agitating ever 10 minuet "warning never leave hot lard for a second as you will suffer a horrible death if you do" at the end of 16hrs you will have a nice clean and lubricated chain hang it up and allow to dry.

when dry put the chain back on your bike, note how faster you are riding with the free dog chaise motivator.




warranty there is a 35 minuet no quibble guarantee. please note lard is not a chain lubricant and will void any warranty on your chain and may seriously damage your sanity.


----------



## n-ick (24 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmonius,
once again tha' erudition and grasp of complex issues have left us lower mortals in awe.

Spud reckons that you should settle out of court. That'll mean he can have a lay in and complete his various 
projects.Besides which his dog has eaten his wig, thinking it to be a sleeping cat.

The league in the meantime has added you to several lists... odd there seems to be mention of a bounty/reward. 

Beware sir, ensure that you carry a mirror at all times to check if it is you.Should you be a case of mistaken identitiy, then you may apply to go on the lost list, which we have lost.

Naturally there is little chance of you appearing in this year's *RECOVERY* of the year article.

Take care sir, neither the mirror or photographs will support your personal appeal.


----------



## Speicher (24 Sep 2011)

May I have a bounty as a reward. A dark choc one please.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> May I have a bounty as a reward. A dark choc one please.



moment on the lips ect.


----------



## Speicher (24 Sep 2011)

Are you trying to incinerate that I may have, in the past, possibly consumated too many Bounties?


----------



## n-ick (24 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
snicker tha' not,Mars will be rising, the Milky Way is overhead, Minstrels will play and Quality Street will not be your address.

Check tha' mirror upon the hour, take care sir, it may not be you. A full mirror should be carried into work to reassure yourself and the boss that you're there and yourself. The use of 2 mirrors facing one another is not advised.
It took several days to drag Spud away from this chasm of the mind and the infinity of reflection.

Eyes are on you sir, the League has night vision.That's if we find the batteries.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> Are you trying to incinerate that I may have, in the past, possibly consumated too many Bounties?




gentleman would never presume such a thing, of a lady.
but from years of studying non me apes, i have discerned some interesting things.
the males propensity to shiny useless gizmo's ie a tool or device that will make x or y job a breeze, the fact that the male in question usually has all the Manuel dexterity of a retarded baboon, with both thumbs removed and to allow said hominid loose with such a device would be insanity.

the ability to mesmerise the female with, shoes and chocolate, the experiment with chocolate flavoured shoes had some very disturbing and surprising consequences and had to be abandoned before any meaningful results wear achieved.

to be specific the dark chocolate Bountie bar containing coconut and high percentage of coco solids could almost be called a health food.


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit...the spud..edit...is going to have a go at sorting me out when he has finished reading "the bumper book of home surgery, pop up edition" it should be next week some time...edit...



Correction, the Spud has just started a correspondence course to learn to read, and spell. Once he's done that he'll read the Bumper Pop Up book of home surgery. So long as his old trouble doesn't set in during the operation you'll have a 1 in a 100 chance of not surviving the operation and will never be able to play the violin again. Don't worry too much about future cycling abilities as he'll use one of his special bolts to attach you permanently (Until the bolt fails, due to shearing forces, or the bone shatters due to the same forces.) to the trike. A quick release machete is an optional extra at only £849.19.

Given Spuds undoubted academic abilities the operation is pencilled in for October the 12th 2112. Please make arrangements to live that long and be able to pay his fee, which allowing for inflation over 101 years will be around £3.50. If, by some miracle, he can do it next year he'll pay you £40000000000000.02 as he's always wanted to break into surgery. Or was that break into a surgery to steal drugs?


----------



## n-ick (25 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino,
Rotherham we have a problem. When I asked the Spud if he's scrubbed up, he immediately opened his microwave and showed me his half done jacket potatoes.
I think there is every chance of you remaining in a vegetable state, before the *RECOVERY.*

Any chance of £25 up front.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmino,
> Rotherham we have a problem. When I asked the Spud if he's scrubbed up, he immediately opened his microwave and showed me his half done jacket potatoes.
> I think there is every chance of you remaining in a vegetable state, before the *RECOVERY.*
> 
> Any chance of £25 up front.



sorry no chance, as a devout Yorkshire man i would be excommunicated by the priests of the grate god Gumm "by Gumm"
i am on some what shaky ground as it is with my impending trip to the lands of the god less, and my refusal to partake of the communal blackpuding.
i was taken to task three years ago with my wanton spending habits (repetadly bying a loaf of bread without hageling or grumbeling over the price, look i had been a bit run down and my concentration was slipping a bit ok)


----------



## n-ick (26 Sep 2011)

yo Cosmoid,
tha's swallowed a veritable thesaurus.Some of tha' words I cannot find and can assume don't actually exist. This non existalism also seems to have spread legwards to the *RECOVERY.

*We are expecting a full wallet and spending without limits, the League is waiting for more than black pudding.

Take care sir, the men with 3 eyes have you in their sight ( sights ).Beware of the Dancing Men.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2011)

What sort of a Tyke do you call yourself?

You didn't haggle and bitterly complain when you opened your, and I'm afraid there's no easy or polite way to say this, wallet?  and .

Next you'll be walking into public houses and shouting drinks all round!

Pull tha'sel' together. Or the 'Elp Keep Yorkshire Tight police (the backward Tykes) will deport you o'er t't border into....




*Lancashire!*


----------



## n-ick (26 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosminio,
take serious care sir. T'is indeed as The Treasurer has said. Land of the Dancing Men, speed through without opening tha' eyes.

We have built a special combined sign ,collecting tin ,umbrella and commode, so that you will be pleased to queue for longer periods of time for The League.
Spud had the plans sent from the Ukraine, he couldn't understand them , but followed the pictures.Especially the one of it connected up to a pylon. There may be short periods of blackouts,

but you'll soon recover.

This above anything offered by the NHS, will assuridly spur on *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosminio,
> take serious care sir. T'is indeed as The Treasurer has said. Land of the Dancing Men, speed through without opening tha' eyes.
> 
> We have built a special combined sign ,collecting tin ,umbrella and commode, so that you will be pleased to queue for longer periods of time for The League.
> ...


i will be picking up a surgical support today"there all straps n buckles n stuff " only rich non Yorkshire men carry wallets i would not be so bold or flamboyant as to display one i carry a shovel purse, so one can give the money its just attention wile counting it out.
the commode intrigues me some what! will it have methane capture for running a generator?
off to citizens advice in a bit to see if i can claim owt' dunt' know if tha dunt' ask.

been doing 32mile rides most days with some good limbing, i pumped my durano 28mm tyres up from 90psi to 120 there is a big difference in speed she rolls better.

i will do 10miles on the hand bike today as it was Thursday the last time i did this, i will have to up the miles on it twenty miles a week is pathetic even with the big climb i have to do.
i am hoping to do four rides a week in it of about ten miles each.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2011)

On the contrary. It's only the West Riding people reckless enough to not have their folding money tightly packed into a wallet, with rubber bands, gaffer tape and a variety of locks, some to keep it closed and others to attach said wallet to the owner. Just 'cos we spend nowt doesn't mean we have nowt. 

Ne'er do owt for nowt save tha' does it for theesen.


----------



## n-ick (26 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmoinaut,
I would have expected something a bit more technologically advanced than buckles and stuff. I understand that there are automatic and remote controlled options available.

With this in mind I have asked Spud to remove the controls from his remote controlled decoy duck (Graham)and construct something of use to you. 
We thought an automatic wallet raising device, activated by the sound of clinking glasses or a general good kick to the ankle.

Surely this will aid the quest to 
*RECOVERY and *be of benefit to the League.

Beware sir, are you all square?


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2011)

Exactly wrong young Nick. There are Yorkshire Alcoholics who have never yet bought a round. The sound of clinking glasses should activate a 24 hr lock on the wallet and make it unfindable.
The only sound activated device is an immediate opening of the wallet when someone says here's the £xx I owe you.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2011)

By the way, could you let Spud know he owes me £25, so when he gets it from Mark, it's mine.


----------



## n-ick (26 Sep 2011)

Holy jumping wallets Catman,
I'll be giving away money when we've hung Cosmo upside down and given him a shake down.
That'll help his *RECOVERY.*


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Sep 2011)

that will be handy byegad i was wondering when you were going to send me the £25 you promised my.
eeee its a bit like international banking on here in it, some real money will have to be printed at some point so the poor people don't get worried.

i must work out a way of fitting a second brake to the front wheel of the handcycle as coming down the hill at 40 just the one drum brake don't cut the mustard the angle of the forks are wrong jut to drill it and fit a calliper brake i need a bracket that can bolted on to the top of the forks and be adjusted so the callipers are in the right place.

the ice trike drums work well as the enforced test today shows, doing 37mph bus drive coming out of a side road on the right decides sod its only a trike and pulls full across the road to turn left toward me up the hill, thank you very much 37 to 5 in about 5ft it is amazing how hot they get in such a short time! " hello mr bus driver you ^%&*( &^ %$£^& %£!" i said. on a df or the handcycle i would have been under the bus or spread across the front.


----------



## n-ick (27 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmiom,
as regards braking, have you tried a grappling hook or an anchor on a rope? This'll stop you pdq.
As for you trying to get on a bus, I suggest that you queue at a stop and buy a ticket like the rest of us.

Eyes are swivelling North, lists are being ticked.
Take care sir, time to pick the short straw. 

Follow the writing on the wall, this'll be sound advice on *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (27 Sep 2011)

He could just stick a foot into the spokes. 

Anyway he needs to be a man. Real men don't brake.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Sep 2011)

when it comes to the good old mobile lavatory's that travel our roads belching thick black smoke to drag the three people about on them i always brake, i know some of the drivers not the sharpest crayons in the box.


10 miles on the hand bike and 32 on the ice again today.
there should be a bracket that will do the job, i have been smurfing the net but have not come up with any thing yet.


the venue for miss lard uk has finely been booked, as you know we had to move the event this year as the Yorkshire abattoir workers gild and social club has a bit of a fire.
we will be having a some guest judges from some tv shows and a performances from a nice young group of lads called slaughterhouse they apparently do poetry to music gosh, i was surprised when my lad suggested them, now i think on i will goole them and see if the have any of there poetry published.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Sep 2011)

when it comes to the good old mobile lavatory's that travel our roads belching thick black smoke to drag the three people about on them i always brake, i know some of the drivers not the sharpest crayons in the box.


10 miles on the hand bike and 32 on the ice again today.
there should be a bracket that will do the job, i have been smurfing the net but have not come up with any thing yet.


the venue for miss lard uk has finely been booked, as you know we had to move the event this year as the Yorkshire abattoir workers gild and social club has a bit of a fire.
we will be having a some guest judges from some tv shows and a performances from a nice young group of lads called slaughterhouse they apparently do poetry to music gosh, i was surprised when my lad suggested them, now i think on i will goole them and see if the have any of there poetry published.


----------



## Speicher (27 Sep 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> when it comes to the good old mobile lavatory's that travel our roads belching thick black smoke to drag the three people about on them i always brake, i know some of the drivers not the sharpest crayons in the box.
> 
> 
> 10 miles on the hand bike and 32 on the ice again today.
> ...






markg0vbr said:


> when it comes to the good old mobile lavatory's that travel our roads belching thick black smoke to drag the three people about on them i always brake, i know some of the drivers not the sharpest crayons in the box.
> 
> 
> 10 miles on the hand bike and 32 on the ice again today.
> ...



Very kind of you to illumerate us on the above topic. I think we heard you the first time.


----------



## byegad (27 Sep 2011)

What a dirty, low down threat to Goole someone. I thought they shut it down after they built the Humber Bridge. Although why anyone wants to go South of the Humber is beyond me!


----------



## Speicher (27 Sep 2011)

Oi




Excuse I! 

I am an inhabitant of the South Westishness of Englandshire. Some peeps choose to travel south of the Humbrol to visit me.


----------



## n-ick (28 Sep 2011)

Yo,
multitudinious joy! The Treasurer oi(st)ed! Cosmio in a time warp. Even Humber bridge Humbroled.

I'll knock on Spud's door, he's been under the stairs re-routing his link to the streetlight. I don't think he was using mirrors.

Beware sir, we're 4 pages away from a 50 page thread , will there ever be *RECOVERY?*


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> Oi
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Typical chippy southerner! 


















Runs for cover...


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2011)

On a more serious note. 

*The Recovery *is now urgent. How about it Mark, sue the surgeon, tell your boss what you really think of them. BUT. Get better. 


Breaks out into cold sweat..... If you do, I'll buy you a pint.


I'm going to lie down now!


----------



## n-ick (28 Sep 2011)

Yo Cosmino, 
wise words mate. Facebook seems to be the place to vent tha' spleen. Don't hold back, throw away the Thesaurus and let rip.
With any luck they might heed tha' words. 
The work ethic is vastly exaggerated, you can collect your P45 and free life prize draw on the way out ,
to *RECOVERY* and *BEYOND.* 

We're all behind you in this, well quite a long way behind.


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> ...edit...
> We're all behind you in this, well quite a long way behind.



I'm not that far, the cross hairs on my telescopic sight is still centred on the back of his head. I'm aiming their as anywhere else would kill him.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Sep 2011)

er i go to work for a bit and what do i find you lot running amok.

byegad stop poking the softy southerner with a sharpend pencil they don't like it and its not nice, they cant help being geographically embarrassed, do 100 lines "i will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice" .

n-ick some one has hacked you account and going around offering to get pints in  you need to get on to the mods asap and have the posts removed or you reputation will be ruined.

speicher if the boys are being mean it is just there way of showing they like you, give them a swift tap on the nose with a rolled up news paper and say in a stern authoritative voice NO.

now that is sorted i will catch up with my correspondence.

today was a nice day for handbikeing through town the sun was out and it was a pleasant ride home, the amount of bits off lorry's, cars, vans ext laying about on the road is amazing if i picked up all the bits i wonder if i could make a sculpture out of them a 40' representation of manes struggle over adversity.

today a friend of mine has asked if he can ghost right a book about me!
i said there is not that much of interest to any one else but apparently every day things for me, he finds quite interesting.

home work for to day is right a paragraph about some one how has been mean to you try and find three nice things about them.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Sep 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo,
> multitudinious joy! The Treasurer oi(st)ed! Cosmio in a time warp. Even Humber bridge Humbroled.
> 
> I'll knock on Spud's door, he's been under the stairs re-routing his link to the streetlight. I don't think he was using mirrors.
> ...



i was wondering why he had that 3 faze dropper box in the hall painting it red fools no one you know!
has he got a new wheel yet? as the experimental one i was working on is having a bit of a problem, i cant pick it up to put it on the trike!

a new one is in the pipe line honeycombed aluminium disc in the wheel doing a way with the spokes.


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2011)

I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice.
Sorry Speicher.


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2011)

Now you've got someone to ghost right your life, will you get someone else to ghost left it?


----------



## Speicher (29 Sep 2011)

As dicktated by Mark, I have a rolled up Newspaper with me, and I have been practising saying "No" in a stern authorised voice, while simlu slimu at the same time tapping a nose. 

The cat was not impressed with my practice this morning. 

Byegad,  on this occasion your appopolology is accepted. Next time you will be put on the Naughty Step!


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2011)

In my day they walloped you with a stick. Somehow a step holds no fear! Even for one with occasionally dodgy balance.


----------



## Speicher (29 Sep 2011)

A dodgy ability to balance?

Have you considered applying to be Chancellor of the Xchecker?


----------



## Speicher (29 Sep 2011)

The naughty step is somewhere you sit.


I said Sit!

There is more to this awfultarian voice than I thought.


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2011)

Speicher said:


> A dodgy ability to balance?
> 
> Have you considered applying to be Chancellor of the Xchecker?



I said dodgy, not totally bent. I'm honest, can't ride a two wheeler any more and getting old and you come along and ask me to dirty my hands in government? I take back all my apologies! 

I'm off to the end of the garden to eat worms. Then you'll all be sorry! 

As to sitting on a step, you get piles from that.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice. I will not poke the softy southerner with a sharpend lard as it is not nice.
> Sorry Speicher.


i make that 116 your just toadying now!


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Sep 2011)

I hope you are putting English mustered on the worms, just plain worms would be a bit bland. 
now if you could lay your hands on a tortoise; natures natural meat pie a tortoise. 

a good ride today, though the gentleman in the hatch back, how passed me 3" from my elbow shouting get a proper bike you blue lard, i fervently wish the fecundity and girth of your piles never diminishes.
I gave him the manic cheery wave and loud thank you that normally greats this type of comment, from the way he was swerving a bit and gesticulating while looking in the mirror he was not really amused by this  but it brightened my day considerably 

i will have a look at the gps in a bit to see how my stats are going, the walnut training has had to stop as i now have a over abundance of shelled wall nuts, with little up take of my offer of free bags full.
i have noticed that the loonacy that was fervent on cycle chat, of late is drifting to what i almost consider normal  this can only be a good thing.
though i do not celebrate Christmas i leave this to the gentiles, it is not far off  and the locale denizens have begun there build up the xmas lights still on the houses from last year are being added to, it is a wonder we don't get black outs when they fire them up the second week in November normally. all the power my eco solar panels have been pumping in to the grid all year will be used in the first couple of days. it just slightly heats up the chambers of my vascular pump.

a phone call in the life of a undisclosed switchboard operator.


"hello can i help you?", "yes, my six year old keeps kicking his ball over the old lady's fence next door.", "er, yes what can i help you with ", "well, the fourth time he went around to get it back yesterday the old bat had a right go at him and he is only six", "do you think if you stop him kicking the ball over the fence this might help?", "yes, but he is enjoying him self and he is only six i don't like telling not to","ok do you have any sort of goal posts or some thing like that, that he is kicking the ball at?", "yes, they are up against the old lady's fence, why?", "i think you should move them to the other side of the garden and see if this improves thing","ho! that's a good idea i will go and do that now". call ends staff with in ear shot fall about in hysterics.


----------



## Riding in Circles (30 Sep 2011)

byegad said:


> I said dodgy, not totally bent. I'm honest, can't ride a two wheeler any more and getting old and you come along and ask me to dirty my hands in government? I take back all my apologies!
> 
> I'm off to the end of the garden to eat worms. Then you'll all be sorry!
> 
> As to sitting on a step, you get piles from that.




What garden?


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2011)

OK the yard. There are worms under the ivy covered coal house. 


Everyone's mean to me. I'm fed up with everyone getting at me. And the worms made me puke! Now you're sorry!!!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2011)

gosh i am glad i always put news papers down when he is about. only did the ten miles on the hand bike today.<br>though i did the monster trek around to the front of the building to sit on the benches to have my lunch, a staggering 150m i did stop for a rest on the slope up from the car par i think it is about 1 in 30 and at least 12ft long, the buzz when you get to the top is fantastic though and well worth the climb, i think i will ride round on the hand trike next time! the loony s wear hitting the phones today, and turning up in person, when any of you see me next ask about airplane vapour trails conspiracy!


----------



## Speicher (30 Sep 2011)

The airplane vapour trials? Was the airplane found guilty? 

Btw, have you ever tried riding square on the hank tride?




This sparklum whit wine is srather nisch!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2011)

when i try to ride square, i fall off and brake bits of me 
gosh drinking on duty, this will be brought before the comity ...... if there not hung over that is 
hows turn was it to take and publish the minutes of the last meeting? i did the agenda which was ignored as usual


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2011)

You might think you've done the minutes, but we feel like you've done the hours and hours and hours. 

*GET WELL SOON!*


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2011)

I've thought of an excellent idea for Mark to make a living while not crawling in lofts.

*The worlds first Radio Remote Controlled Tortoise.*

First you buy two tortoises. A male and a female, sorry to lower the tone and all that, but you let nature take it's course. While you're doing that you use some old coat hangers to make some axles and fit small wheels to them. Also buy some very cheap and small radios, and you'll need some string. Lard is optional, but you will need some glue.

Now fit your baby tortoises with two axles glued to the bottom of the shell and glue a small Radio to the top of the shell. Glue the end of a length of sting to the front of the shell and you now have a Radio Tortoise with remote control, it'll go anywhere you pull the string from. 

Don't worry if the tortoise pulls in all its legs and little head. They do this when they're having fun and to gain aero advantage. I understand they love Classical Music and hate Hard Rock.

Tortoises are a listed species but you can sell those bred in the UK, a little one will sell for well over £100 as is. You could charge at least £1000 for; The worlds first Radio Remote Controlled Tortoise. The added advantage is that even you should be able to catch a tortoise!


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Oct 2011)

you know that offer from the "monks of sanity", is looking better every day.
apparently they balance the levels of sanity in the world, two sane and all technological, artistic end-ever will fail we need a tad of insanity to keep the creative guises flowing.
two much insanity and we get anarchy and wars, so the "monks of sanity" are doing a vital if some what unrecognised service.
they have approached me to join the order, from what i can make out they have teams of monks supervised by a sinner monk, how subtract or dump sanity using among other things nonsense rhymes algebraical tables and lard.
to become a initiate you must be able to juge the sanity level of a grope of 47 individuals accurately from a distances of 1 mile while having your armpit hair plucked individually.
they have been searching for me for some time, something to do with catching the wrong train at Doncaster and a slight mishap with a broken flask, they only found me by accident when they came to the office to warn us of the the airplane vapour trails conspiracy, there is a short visit first at there retreat up north in a couple of weeks the tinfoil hat and shoe insoles are to protect me for over exposure to ether force at there head quarters.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Oct 2011)

byegad said:


> I've thought of an excellent idea for Mark to make a living while not crawling in lofts.
> 
> *The worlds first Radio Remote Controlled Tortoise.*
> 
> ...




this is a amazing concept and deserves further investigation, if you can fund the r&d i will cut you in for -20% of the profits, similar concepts have been tried including the use of ferrets, with helmet cams.


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2011)

Sadly my conscience couldn't settle for less than +125% of all money going through your hands on this project. As you can claim it all in Tax Relief you'll make 0.0002p in the pound. I'll also supply all of the lard you can eat.

As to the monks of sanity offer, I'd turn them down flat if I were you! They pay by your IQ level and their main test is on spelling. As n-ick would point out you can't even spell recovery. Let alone make one.


----------



## Speicher (1 Oct 2011)

I do not think the money would be going through his hands at all.

It would go straight to my his Bank Account in the Maldives. Well, I say straight, it would be via Moscow, Venezuela and the Mbodo Islands, but you get my drift.


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2011)

OH! Accusing my friend of dishonesty now?


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2011)

I didn't know you'd met him.


----------



## Speicher (1 Oct 2011)

Oh botherations, he said not to tell anyone!


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2011)

A whiff of romance in the air?????

You old dog Mark!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2011)

is romance the one where a woman tells you haw to act talk walk and dress and you have to say "yes my beloved, i will do it right away"?

re the finance thing, using my accounting skills i have deducted gross tax liability index to mean average of investment percpita, subjugated redundant infuriated indebtedness and taken into account the investment requirement of the treasury 1.03% compound, which will make it perfectly clear to any one that the money in the offshore accounts is merely resting for a bit.
all interest gained from this is put back in to the r&d department budget, as most of this work has to be done in the Caribbean islands for practicable reasons, i will personally have to go out there for a short time, to over see the initial set up.
say 7 to 45 years.

the monks of saity do not pay any thing the rely on the kind ness of people. 
brother Murkentroid only asks that we liquidate or worldly chattels and donate then to the brotherhoods central fun for the up keep of the order.

i have invested in some wool undergarments, the lace trim was extra and served no practicable purpose so have gone with the sleek look.

i went to watch the ploughing contest at the end of the road, 30 odd tractors turned up and began "eventually" to plough the field. i can honestly say it is probably the world worst spectator event EVER! they dont even try to make nice paterns or pictors or anything they just go straight up and down very, very, s l o w l yyyyyyy.


----------



## Speicher (2 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> is romance the one where a woman tells you haw to act talk walk and dress and you have to say "yes my beloved, i will do it right away"?
> 
> re the finance thing, using my accounting skills i have deducted gross tax liability index to mean average of investment percpita, subjugated redundant infuriated indebtedness and taken into account the investment requirement of the treasury 1.03% compound, which will make it perfectly clear to any one that the money in the offshore accounts is merely resting for a bit.
> all interest gained from this is put back in to the r&d department budget, as most of this work has to be done in the Caribbean islands for practicable reasons, i will personally have to go out there for a short time, to over see the initial set up.
> ...




I have yet to tell you which dress to wear, Mark.  You know that the purple floral one does not suit you. Please be notified that I will not be hand-washing your wool undergarments. I agree that the sleek look is more preferable. 

Investment Percpita? Is that saved for a rainy day? I herebysy offer to look after your Off-shore account in person, in the Caribbean.

I assume that you will be uncomfortable on a Hairy Plane so I strongly suggest we cruise to the Carribean. The deck of the ship is flat, but a circuit is 0.378 miles. Allowance needs to be made for varients in incline, depending on the strength of the gale force wind, the distance from the equator, and what you had for lunch.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> I have yet to tell you which dress to wear, Mark.  You know that the purple floral one does not suit you. ...edit....



She HAS met him!

I thought he looked very nice in that Purple floral dress. Although the odd boots, one army boot, black, and one high heeled boot, green, didn't flatter the ensemble! Nor did the miners helmet!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2011)

yes and the big dribble of chocolate souse down the front of my man frock 0:03.23 after putting it on was a disappointment, it is pale cream with flecks of pale blue in it, long sleeved, cut to below knee length with a short slit at each side to keep the lines crisp while walking " well sort of semi walking in the Quasimodo school of thought" a high button up to soft collar.
the disparity in boots was to accommodate leg length discrepancy, "which as you know i don't like to mention."
the very idea, i would wear a purple floral in the autumn with my sun bronzed skin tone is frankly insulting!

"I assume that you will be uncomfortable on a Hairy Plane so I strongly suggest we cruise to the Carribean. The deck of the ship is flat, but a circuit is 0.378 miles. Allowance needs to be made for varients in incline, depending on the strength of the gale force wind, the distance from the equator, and what you had for lunch. "

the best bit about boats, especially pedal boats is, when there are lots of waves you just wait for when you are at the top of one and peddle then, when you get to the bottom you stop peddling and wait for the sea to lift you up again! so in fact it is all down hill to the Caribbean from here.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2011)

yet another use for lard has been discovered, woollen undergarment softening and water proofing! the profundity of lardle uses is truly astonishing.


----------



## n-ick (3 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
citizens of Rawmarsh beware!
Slippery , exotic and covered in wooly lard.
Tha's gone too far now Cos, think of the oiks, the 
abandoned cats and retract now.
Have a care sir and inform of the *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2011)

Rawmarsh can relax. I gather he's on his way to South Westershire and true love. I was beginning to like Speicher, but she's clearly insane if she thinks she can manage to live with 'Our Hero'. Thirty minutes of speaking with him leaves me exhausted, looking for a place to lie down and an odd craving for....lard. 

Meanwhile there's a deafening silence about the return to work and a recovery.


----------



## Speicher (3 Oct 2011)

Your mistake, Byegad, if I am not mistaken is trying to lie down, instead of having a not stand up.

Mark, please refrain from using Fabric Softyner on your undergarment. If not rinsted out properly, softyner can cause itching and all manner of unfortunate consequences on your appendages.

I will soon find some work for you, here in South Westershire. Are you good at ironing or do you soon get board?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Oct 2011)

i have been in the office answering the phones as you know, "nathen wat's tha, want?"...."you don't say, you don't say, naaaaaaw you don't say"
and mangling the computer system.
with using my holidays up i have booked most Mondays off and some Tuesday afternoons, as i am struggling a bit with pain in the hip and back, i have to do a audition for the ministry of funny walks every so often to loosen things up, this is now substantially helped by lard impregnated woollen underwear. 
saying "impregnated" in the office can be a bit errrrrrrrr insensitive as we have three severely hormonal gravid not men! how all sit in the food section grazing and talking very loudly about all there latest pregnancy stuff in graphic and inter met detail.

my packed lunch has on occasion been brought home untouched! or been pride from my twitching finger on one occasion, diet ginger bear seems to go down well with one heifer lump about to drop what ever the politicly correct term is when ever you are reading this.

all is on hold until i have been to see the mighty shaman in December, though the visit to see the bone people " well they are not people made of bone " was fun, all my tests say i should have fantastic bones, all my diet is spot on and at 4.5 hours aerobic exercise three days, 3 hours two days a week, with two days of rest a week not exactly sedentary but not over doing it ether, "ok doc haw are things going?","all tests are excellent ect, but","er but what!", "er we don't know why you have osteoporosis!","?!?", "don't worry we will see you again in eighteen months and see how you are going, keep taking the pills". so i will still be ingesting x6 the daily recommended calcium and vitamin d3, er kidney stones any one? going cheep.

i went in to planet x show rooms to fondle there woollen underwear and watch the rotund club riders paying fortunes for carbon fibre bikes and whimpering on about this component or that ect.
the subject of recumbent trike weight did come up when informed the ice is 45+lbs before adding the camping gear i was reliably informed "you would not be able to go any were on that!","how far do you ride?"," er training? touring? day rides?, well touring i like to do about 50miles with the camping gear on, but some times i will put a 80 to 100 mile day in if i am wanting to get to a specific place, but between 150 to 200 miles most weeks if you include the hand bike".
guess what the first question was about the handbike.

when riding in the snow and ice a distinct feeling of lack of rolling resistance is evident, mmmmmm lard delivery system me thinks a bit like a chaps tic but bigger affixed to the top of each mudguard pointing down, gravity fed, leaving a thin film of lovely rolling resistance killing lard! what do the mythical creatures abode team think?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> Your mistake, Byegad, if I am not mistaken is trying to lie down, instead of having a not stand up.
> 
> Mark, please refrain from using Fabric Softyner on your undergarment. If not rinsted out properly, softyner can cause itching and all manner of unfortunate consequences on your appendages.
> 
> I will soon find some work for you, here in South Westershire. Are you good at ironing or do you soon get board?



people cant go around lieing down well not unless they are on a trolley obviously, common people lie down because they don't know any better.
i never use fabric softener as being a hard hairy northan man it would be considered girly.


i am a wizz with the ironing and embroidery, patching mending of clothes ect my daddy showed me, you should see the throw cushions i ran up resplendent with pleated ruff, from the spare curtain materiel i had left over, from the changing rooms thing i did with the kids, though at the moment i can only iron one shirt then have to have a rest for a bit then have another go.


----------



## Speicher (3 Oct 2011)

I am very much hoping that in the last paragwaph you are referring to one of those lips stick wotsit for preventment of chapped lips. I may have initially red it as Chap's *ick.  But then as you only have one, I think, then you could not place one on top of each mudguard. 

Please advise me accordingly, then I may re read the whole post as above again.


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2011)

He's been blaming the softener for his itch for years. However the 'clinic' says it's sleeping with members of the opposite gender group who are not uninfected. Last I heard it was about to be the antibiotic equivalent of a Thermonuclear bomb in an attempt to finally cure it! 

Did it finally work Mark? Are you clear now?


----------



## Speicher (3 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i am a wizz with the ironing and embroidery, patching mending of clothes ect my daddy showed me, you should see the throw cushions i ran up resplendent with pleated ruff, from the spare curtain materiel i had left over, from the changing rooms thing i did with the kids, though at the moment i can only iron one shirt then have to have a rest for a bit then have another go.



You ran up a resplendent pleated ruff? How high did you get and did you avoid bumping your bonce on the ceiling.

 Bonce might, of coarse, be Noggin in North Eastershire.


----------



## n-ick (4 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosimino,
never mind tha' top end of t'body. Bone crunchingly enough we were hoping for news of the *RECOVERY.*

Every morning I look to the skies for omens, a sign from the Middle North. The other morning I did see a big finger like cloud pointing down. Were you on the receiving end ?

Take heed sir, in the old days tha'd have to ring a large bell to warn villagers of tha' approach.


----------



## byegad (4 Oct 2011)

My guess is that our Hero Geek God will announce a full recovery when we get to page 50. He's been teasing us that he's not well for so long. However I have reason to believe that, in secret, at vast amount of government money has been spent rebuilding our hero! Not so much 'The Bionic Man', Terminator or 'Robocop' but more something you might knock up in a shed, or see in an amateur stage show of the Wizard of Oz. Maybe we could call it/him, 'The Exterminator'. 

I gather they're having trouble finishing the programming of the brain. Something to do with finding a Spel Checka that works for Rotherese and Geek God speke. 

'Huston, we have a problem!'


----------



## n-ick (4 Oct 2011)

Yo Byegadio,
I understand that there are still villages in the Deep South still requiring village idiots and individuals to live in grottos and caves.
Surely this calling will end in *RECOVERY.

*In addition since the demise of bear baiting, baiting the Hermit has become popular.


----------



## byegad (4 Oct 2011)

I can't see the West Riding wanting to lose their own Geek God. When he moves in Speicher they'll probably hold a severely solemn ceremony where--by they try to drink every public house and off-licence out of alcoholic beverages.


----------



## Speicher (4 Oct 2011)

Byegad likes fizzy ginger with his whiskey and once managed to drink Canada dry.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Oct 2011)

the rummers of my Recovery have been greatly exaggerated. 

though triking, handbikeing have been improving, being shackled to a desk has been causing problems! i have put in a request for a better lard chair, though i will probably no-longer be working at the office. 
i was going to enrol in hermiting night classes but they only do a correspondence course as attending a class sort of misses the point of the hole hermiting thing, by the time it arrives.


the silk mankeeny thong has improved the woollen comfort and is quiet fetching, though i do draw the line at sequins(thank you for the suggestion byegad)

there is talk of putting weekly bin collections back on and some people decrying this as not being environmentally friendly, just think of all the bonfires spouting thick black toxic smoke in to the air that will stop. 
putting speed limits up on motorways, fuel consumption drasticly increases when a car travels above 60mph, yet the campaign to bring in a blanket 20mph in town is floundering, it just makes it clear how powerful the car lobby is.
my attempt to match these ideas has sadly failed to come even close to being as humerus, a tax on bottled water seems a bit to sensible!

unfortunately the canoe race i organised around the car park to day had to be canceld because of lack of water, canoes, paddles and any one willing to take part.
i am still hopeful my team building efforts will pay-off eventually and some of the staffs nervous ticks will subside.


----------



## n-ick (5 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
I observe from your ramblings that you will "probably not be working at the office ". Given your charisma and air of amblivalence I would have thought you to be an essential asset anywhere.
I hope that you have packed for the event in the far North, be aware sir, there will be a grilling.

Not only the League, but the Nosferati and the Inquisition, expect news of *RECOVERY.*
There will be no chance of evasion , but hopes are high for long distance queueing.


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit...the silk mankeeny thong has improved the woollen comfort and is quiet fetching, though i do draw the line at sequins(thank you for the suggestion byegad)
> ...edit...



The sequin idea wasn't to add to your mankini it was to be used as a replacement for the mankini, being large enough to hide anything likely to cause horses to bolt and ladies of a delicate disposition to faint, after getting an eyeful! Well when I say eye full, I mean more a speck of dust in the eye!


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2011)

Nick, 'Not working in the office' is the norm for local government, you should know!


----------



## n-ick (5 Oct 2011)

Ah, 'tis true, I just wondered if our Geek God had been promoted or sidelined into a parallel siding or universe where* RECOVERY* might be the norm.

More than ever he'll be needing a snorkel at Wooler.


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2011)

There! You've ruined my day and reminded me he's going to Wooler. Happy now???


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2011)

no one expects the Spanish inquisition!


yes i will be at Wooler, i will have a minion pack for me, over the next day or two.

the office thing is a temporary gig to see if my leg rots off, have to have another operation or recover enough to go back to my job.
so i have until December 1st to show i am capable of, not blowing up the computer system, turn up when i am meant to and a good boy, so if it looks like i will not be able to do my job there is a very slim vague chance i will be able to be redeployed.


----------



## n-ick (5 Oct 2011)

*RECOVERY* by December 1st ?
I hope you meant next year or the year after.

There is no doubt that tha' have the ideal qualifications and attitude for white collar work. Erudite, polite and accurate with dater.
It is a constant wonder that you have not been head hunted.

After shrinking over a smokey fire , it would make a splendid trophy and be of more use than now.

Take care sir, no one expects the *LEAGUE.*


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2011)

i have noticed something, because you are on the end of a phone, you suddenly become 
1 telepathic
2 the fountain of all knoll age
3 every ones slave
4 your fault 
5 expected to remember every conversation 
6 solve every ones problems for them
7 have the temperament of a door mat
8 be able to talk to the person on the end of the phone answer and two other pepole in the office asking stupid questions all at the same time


the rolling resistance reduction device that was going to revolutionise has had a slight set back, while in use the vehicle will only go in a straight line.

why are some people extremely miserable all the time, i bumped in to a man i have not seen for three years and he is still absolutely miserable, he has a exceedingly good wage coming in nice newish house two nice kids goes on lots of holidays has excellent health and is probably the most miserable person i know "apart from nick while paying at the bar" and "byegad while towing me up a hill with the dangelly straps hanging of the back of his trike" every thing is rubbish, when he gets to the hottel he is always first at the reception with a list of grievances, he makes me depressed standing within ten feet of him.

today i have been experementing with pankakes for brakefest when camping, a reasonably thick one, mixing in porridge, slow cooking, thin ones fast cooking. the finding are interesting a hybrid , pancake mix / porridge made reasonably stiff mix will be next then the same mixed thinly.
i may get a research grant from the eu.




no one expects a recovery!


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2011)

Cummon!


Where's the news of a recovery we were promised?


----------



## n-ick (6 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
has tha' not noticed we're on *PAGE 50 *and still no sign of *RECOVERY*.
The League and the country expects.
Take heed sir.

Wheels of fire will turn.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2011)

Don't worry Nick, I'm packing my Junior Home Surgeon kit for Wooler. We can knock him out with a couple of wine gums dissolved in water and whip off the leg while he's not looking. Think of the weight he'd save! 

Once the stitches are out (Which reminds me can anyone bring an office stapler so we can temporarily close the wound?) he will be hopping around like a one legged thing in no time. 

An added benefit is it might slow the beggar down, then I'll be able to keep up with him. 

May be good if someone can bring a length of rope, in case he wakes up during the operation. Also to be used so he can tow me on the rides.


----------



## n-ick (6 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
take note sir, the Headless rider has left her lair in Redcar. Riding an orange Trice S, she will be hunting sir.
Do not mistake her for Orville the duck , she just sounds like that.

Be prepared sir, bring a rosary ( in your case some rosemary) and plenty of spendable honey ( in your case money).
With hope , and you on your knees we might indeed witness a miracle *RECOVERY.*

If we can find a chair without rubber stops and 3 other lifters, I am willing to demonstrate the amazing spectacle of antigravity.You are volunteered.
Once again we will provide ear plugs, as we don't want to enjoy your screams.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2011)

Oh! No! Not the headless rider of Olde Redcar Towne!


----------



## n-ick (6 Oct 2011)

Meets the Legless rider of Rawmarsh city !


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2011)

HO! *NOOO!* run away (or limp hypothetically in circles).
twas a slightly overcast and a bit whiny afternoon.
a rude ostler twas ambling along, with his balaclava tucked in to his vest; when from the woods came the cry HO NO!....
a chill slowly began dribbling down his left leg, gosh that dose not sound good! putting a bit of pace in to his peddling he began scanning the hedge rows and field edges for signs of movement.
Then the hart rending screen started like the talons of a unimaginable beast from the pits of hell being dragged across the black board of the universe.
as he accelerated so hither too UN-drempt of velocity, from the corner of one eye a glimpse of some thing! coming across the ploughed field, lurching across the broken ground; later in the pub with several large tots of distild liqueur in him and time for reflection he would describe it as, "right fink of a inside out blood sosage, with extra bits n' with this look on its face, if it had one like, sorta not looking at you but staring really hard with it teeth, that it didn't have".

at this precise moment n-ick with the well practised innate timing walked in "i believe you had a spot of bother on the road my good man", a lot of the patrons wear accustomed to n-ick's theatrical manner of speaking.
cutting a dashing figure in yellow tights, massive brimmed hat sporting several clumps as what can only be described as what is left after three birds of paradise have been pulled back wards through a large knot hole in a plank of wood and carrying a copper frying pan polished to a high sheen.
the surreptitious look several of the patron gave each other said "this might be good". How are you then gov? enquired the ostler; I am the n-ick sworn to defend the defencless help the helpless and eat big pies, NOT! necessarily in that order.
after a slightly confused conversation involving some mimicry of the offending beast several rough drawing and a quantity of beer, the n-ick mounted (well fell gracefully on to his stead) and peddled of into the night.
at last the hunt was on for the beast of "that bit of sort of not quite flat land just oar back'er harlington, tover mar way si'thi".


i was unofficially interrogated by the HR Gestapo today, re the RECOVERY.
dates times severity of pain quantity of pain killers ect all unofficial like but every word was being taken down unofficially and may be used in evidence later.
i repeated my previous deviance re mileage done on what and when type of other exorcise ect, unofficially my manager how is taking early retirement and is using his leave up to his finishing date had phoned her up to say how well i seemed to be doing on my various miens of conveyance.
he will be sorly missed, as i am not that good at throwing now i am out of balance "not that i like to mention my slight infirmity"


----------



## n-ick (6 Oct 2011)

Yo cosminioso,
definately sounds like tha' needs excorcism by any miens, we must look to the dater.
Thankyou for my biography.

Tha' should withdraw from the field on the grounds of shrunken mind , apathy and limpness. 
Just show them this 50 page thread and they should give you just desserts.

I cannot in any honesty think of any future use for you, except to frighten children and small dogs into eating up their greens.
There might be a vacany in magic acts; saw the Middle Northerner in half or knife thrower's assistant.We can arrange some practice sessions , soon.
Are you torn between axe, knife throwing or torso cutting ?

These measures above all else will before December aid *RECOVERY.

*Spud should be out of hibernation by then.I've never seen anyone so close to a plastic tortoise. *
*


----------



## Speicher (6 Oct 2011)

Just desserts, yes, an excellent name for a restaurant.

Bananana Fritterers with maple syrup and ice cream

followed by Pineapply Fritterers with cream


----------



## Speicher (6 Oct 2011)

Spud is out of Hiber nation. 

I do not remember him saying anything about visiting Scotlandshire.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2011)

he is always up for the haggis hunt.


----------



## n-ick (7 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
never mind your fantasies, time to apply yourself to rehabilitation and *RECOVERY.*

HR= Human reckage.......good luck roadside forager.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2011)

I had a missive from the Spudulator, who is awaiting an operation. Once they find his brain, I understand a proctologist is doing the operation, he expects to make a full recovery and be back to normal fairly quickly. 

However, as he's never been normal I don't know what to expect! Anyone have any ideas?


----------



## n-ick (7 Oct 2011)

'Tis true enough. I think he needs a fundamentalist to operate. Cosmo is up on botchy operators.

Take heed Cosmo, the Adled Women, the Man from Mold and the Devon League are all making their way North.

Once there was news of Catrike ,then there was news of *RECOVERY.* Now all has stalled across
Barterland. 

Take care sir, forces are on the move.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2011)

There are some universal truths in life; if you have nipped to the shop, a parcel delivery man will be knocking on you door within 30 second of you leaving the drive, all chocolate bars will make you fat if you eat two many of them and when peddling through a totally deserted, haunted woodland while pissed, dressed like a Hollywood version of one of the more flamboyant musketeers.
A hag like soothsayer will lurch out at you in a dramatic idiom; HO NO! Be wear the ides of Thursday afternoon about tea time; HO NO! Thrice HO NO! Screeched the hag.
A vast yea hag! “Gosh old chap would one mind keeping within the idiom old been” said the hag in a rather cultured theatrical voice, before dropping back in to the screeching whiny voice; enter these here woods at your own peril subsection 3b-2 clearly states all heroic car rectors should sign in at the lightning struck oak tree for health and safety orientation and liability waver signature verification.
Holly yellow tights batman said n-ick, HO NO! screeched the hag that is direct copy right infringement, a immediate cease and desist notice will be issued forth with, handing n-ick the notice.
n-ick girding his loins, rebuffed the Hag” I am a hero I neither need or care nothing for your petty concerns and docket/counterfoil tickets.” Striking a dramatic pose slightly lessened by the fact the arss was hanging out of his tights.

The distant sound of gravy hitting a pie crust, like the waves on Cleethorpes sea front stopped n-ick in mid gesticulation (which should not be attempted by a novice gesticulator as serous and permanent injury my be done, n-ick being a third danddy snake belt expert in the art of gesticulation) gave only a slight grunt of pain. 
Harken hag pie is being served some were in the vicinity, nay yon hero clad in slightly disturbing garb the now board looking and a lot less screechy hag replied, look pal i am minimum equate rate for this gig.


----------



## n-ick (7 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
take more pills, red ones are good, the bigger the better.


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2011)

Whatever he's on I bet I could sell 'em in the pub for a tenner a piece.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Oct 2011)

with a flourish and slightly mincing gate dew to a distinct draft n-ick remounted his trusty seed, dismounted re positioned several bits of himself and remounted.
with a cry of "pie crust hooo!" and a flourish of his hat the n-ick peddled knock kneed off in search of his destiny and pie.

it had been a long day for the spud, the emergency swerve to avoid colliding with a enraged bull haggis had not ended well.
a exploding wheel hub and the welds had gone again on his hunting trike, the dog pack had headed off through the forest intent on the haggis and ignoring all calls to return. what set of as a annoying incident rapidly deteriorated as dragging the tirke back to his council pyramid he found a rather interesting geological oddity, by falling in to it!
several hours of clambering about in the old mine working, found the spud covered from head to foot in antique slime, with a twisted ankle and a fat lip.
the sight of a oddly dressed refuge from a low budget historically inaccurate version of the muscat ears with bits in danger of hanging out was the cherry on top.
hello good ?er what ever you are beneath yonder slime, i be in search of pie! said n-ick in a hopeful if some what courses way.


----------



## n-ick (9 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
it appears that you have broken through to either another dimension or another Universe.
Looks like things are bad there too.
It might be possible to seal up thr rift with medication or* RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmio,
> it appears that you have broken through _returned_ to either another dimension or another Universe.
> Looks like things are bad there too.
> It might be possible to seal up thr_e_ rift with medication or* RECOVERY.*



FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Oct 2011)

well there's the youth hostel up't road a bit, the slimy spud pointed in the relevant direction.
you seem in a bit of distress noble sir may i be of some assistance; looking the apparition up and down it was obvious it had seen better times, the cable knit jumper had obviously been passed down through many generations and had evolved on its journey as each generation inhabited it, for a indeterminate tenure they put there own mark upon its construction, adding pockets some concealed, others added patches of tough materiel to places that received most wear, giving it a distinctive look; the traditonal haggis skin hat proklaimed the mans trade and calling with knee length breaches and hobnail boot you could kick holes in walls with this was defiantly "_a person of unsophisticated tastes"_.
i'y if tha dunt mind onny me triks bin n' spit me off n' its a bit dickerd like'us. after a slight pours for inserting the odd letter and guessing at some of the rest n-ick sayid in very loud and slow tones i believe your conveyance is in some state of malfunction i may not be able to assist directly but will summon assistance forth with.
ho! your a foreigner i speak Lancashire we had a missionary in't village when i was a kid he teached me to talk proper like what he did, i'y lad that ud be champion like.
taking a rocket small rocket from a tube on the back of his trike n-ick set it off, assistance will be coming with alacrity old chap.


----------



## Speicher (9 Oct 2011)

Be verily carefulmost with regard to Alacrity. I am cognisant that the afore-mentioned Alacrity can increase costs by five fold. 

I see that N-ick has a flare for rockets. I have a rocket chair by the lounge window.


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2011)

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1


Blast Off!


----------



## plantfit (9 Oct 2011)

*Rawmarsh* *we have a problem*


----------



## Speicher (9 Oct 2011)

_how high is this chair going? _





 from fifteen miles above South Westershire.


* ponders whether messages will reach Rawmarsh from this elevation *


*Help**!!!!!!*


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2011)

Prepare for self destruct!


Goodbye Speicher, If you can survive this, meeting the Geek God will be a breeze.


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2011)

BOOM!


----------



## n-ick (9 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
as a Geek God , will tha' be wearing mortal disguise?
Folk who have not met your eminence might be taken aback by tha' charisma and insight.

Take care sir, watch out for the Men Without Teeth and The League.
We expect *RECOVERY. * 

A light on tha' crutch might be useful for night billiards.


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2011)

If he shows me his charisma I'm calling the Rozzers!

Anyone know if Speicher has landed? No reports of UFOs on the BBC news channel, yet!

If she's been hurt we can rebuild her into another bionic person. That way Cosmo won't feel so alone.


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2011)

BBC blows chance of putting Rotherham on the map!

BBC TV News today reported from Rotherham and its successful High Street. However they failed to interview one of the denizens who would have placed Rotherham firmly on everyone's places not to visit list.

Where was the Geek God?


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2011)

P.S. 
Has anyone heard from Speicher? Did she make orbit, or crash and burn horribly?


----------



## Speicher (10 Oct 2011)

I am still in orbit, somewhere over the coast of Zanzibar, heading towards Madagascar, just trying to work out my manoooovering capabilities, to land safely.

I think it is left hand down a bit to turn right. Up to go down. 

I need more practice, can you manage without me? 





_Sent from my magicphone at 25,000 ft_


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2011)

I'd suggest left hand down a bit, steady as she goes and full ahead sideways. 'Sorry, Pardon!'

I'd suggest you aim for one of the blue bits, they seem to be softer than th brown and green bits.


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2011)

Also if you've got some big bloomers you might want to think about making a parachute.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Oct 2011)

Later as they approached the trike of spud, with a slightly puffed out chest and a flourish behold Franken trike! N-ick paused while he collected his thoughts about this well it had to be a trike because it has three wheels and a seat.
the at lest three possibly five different trikes had sort of been amalgamated in to one, with attachments! One was obviously a drop leafed table but the most prominent on was the harpoon gun on the front.
Get a lot of whales hear abuts? 
No are kid, ony use it fur haggis; some of ems frisky buggers n need sum brining dann.
Er forgive me but did you say haggis? 
Iy wild haggis we get round ear is sort after fur export up north, not same as the part domesticated uns they gets up theer, lot tastier see.
It was at this point a mass of baggage on wheels approached , ho good shouted n-ick with some relief my mechanic chappy byegad!
Ahoy there, byegad replied and did what on a normal vehicle would have been a emergency stop , this involved a lot of banging movement of baggage a bit of colourful language, a real life Franken trike; I thought I would never see one again that’s a five way cut and shut author scrungworth special.
Its dickerd said spud scuffing the floor with his monstrous boots torn between pride in his ride and misery at its present predicament.
It’s the parts see my double reciprocating Wernham inverted flange retaining cerclip retain-ton nut went years ago. N-ick looked up in to the sky rocking slowly on the balls of his foot, counting down slowly from five.
He reached three when byegad thrust his finger in the air and said right or left hand thread?
Jaw slack with shock spud stammered out left it has the dynamic kluge knocker on this model.
Byegad patted one or two of his 1000 pocketed jacket in a sort of absent minded way before plunging in to the luggage clad trike with again some muttering proudly produced the part, along with a new wheel and some frame clamps of his own design.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Oct 2011)

i will nip out in a bit and turn my trike lights on and off a for a bit see if you can get your bearings from them or you could stop and ask at the international space station, they probably could do with the company.


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2011)

Sometimes I really worry about the state of the human race, global warming, the banking crisis, famine in Africa, the rise of capitalism in China, the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan and whether my overdraft will ever reduce. 

Then I read one of Marks rambling posts....











And think how much worse things could have been!


----------



## n-ick (10 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
greetings from 3 dimensional planet Earth. We salute your efforts to get here, take me to your leader.

Better still seek help now, to* RECOVERY!* and beyond.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Oct 2011)

> N-ick looked up in to_ the sky rocking slowly on the balls of his foot_, counting down slowly from five.


 .... thereby not making it any easier for Speicher to come down.

This N-ick must be of a contortionist bent .....




.... or a 'bent contortionist. 


We should be told


----------



## byegad (11 Oct 2011)

scoosh said:


> .... thereby not making it any easier for Speicher to come down.
> 
> This N-ick must be of a contortionist bent .....
> 
> ...



Nick used to be the strangest person I know. Then I met the Sun Bronzed Geek God.

I'm not sure if Nick's managed to spot Speicher in orbit with his telescope. Hopefully her modesty will be preserved as she fashions her bloomers into an effective parachute for re-entry. UnFortunately Nicks a gentleman! 

Can Nick stand on the balls of his foot? Possibly!


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2011)

I waited until I was on the dark side of the moon, before removing the afore-mentioned blooooming bloomers.

Fashioning them into a parachute is going to be tricky, in the absence of sewing implements. I will need'll the help I can get. If I send you my co-ordinates calculated on the prospective trajectory, can you launch the prequisite items. Please note I am a girly therefore my catching skills may not be brilliant.


----------



## byegad (11 Oct 2011)

Forget it, all our rockets have been used up. Try aiming for a blue patch and remember to hold your breathe on the way down and breathe out on the way back up. Nick'll spot your trajectory and alert the appropriate navy. 

How's your swimming skills. If poor use your bloomers as water wings. By the way your phone's reception is excellent!


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2011)

The reception xxxxis a bit doxxxxxxxdgy at timxxxxxes! Pease explin why Nick xxxxis standing on his balls.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ..... N-ick looked up in to the sky rocking slowly on the balls of his foot, ....




Sorry to labour the point ...


.... but how can N-ick rock the sky on the balls of his foot ???

How did he get the sky down there - or his foot's balls up there ??


Must admit, I thought Speicher were made of sterner stuff:

"Parachutes is fer Wimps" - A Dent


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Oct 2011)

In a youth hostel not far away a figure in a long duster coat 3” healed calf length boots, though he did not to add to his above average height, they were handy for concealing things, things best kept secret.
Taking a device from his pocket he turned the five concentric wheels in a thoughtful way scribbled some figures on piece of paper with a stubby pencil, flicked through a dog-eared note book, glanced at the wall clock put on his leather wide brimmed hat and went out to wait the arrival of the three.

Sunny days seemed to happen to other people, on the odd occasion the sun shone down on Luke he became very uncomfortable, listless and grumpy. So living in England had its advantages, Cleethorpes was a bonus; in the right climate he was a happy go lucky chirpy person that people found comfortable to be around.
As he trundled along on his mountain bike taking deep breaths of the fresh autumn air the feeling crept over him he had forgotten something, something important, something he had promised to do but he knew he had not, this feeling crept up on him from time to time.
Collage had been good today the plaster moulding had seemed to just fall in to place doing the assignment in half the time allowed had given Luke time to spar before he had to be home so a ride the long way around would be nice and relaxing.
Just coming out of the wood as he rode up to them a caravan of trikes emerged there was a steady stream of light hearted banter going back and forth.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Oct 2011)

i am working on THE RESCUE PLAN! i need one fire extinguisher, 1.3 tons of tripe, six spools of fishing line and six-hundred rolls of bakofoil. 


my order for a better chair at work has just been passed through to logistics there may be a chair available in tree to six weeks.


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2011)

schhpppxxxxpppssdddhhhhhh

terry blelard hinterference


Pllard ease send res cue, not comfy sat on this lard tellite.


----------



## byegad (11 Oct 2011)

Stop whingeing Speicher. 

Aim for the Blue Bits!


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Oct 2011)

"Nick used to be the strangest person I know. Then I met the Sun Bronzed Geek God." 

actually nick is probably the most sane person i know.


----------



## n-ick (12 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
yep, same here.


----------



## byegad (12 Oct 2011)

I would have argued that I was before this thread started, but, what with deciphering Cosmo's spelling and trying to follow his logic, I'll gladly concede it's no longer me.


----------



## n-ick (12 Oct 2011)

Ah,
'tis true, a few hours with Cosmo and you just lose the sanity.
'Tis sheer speed and bronzed exhuberence
that cannot be matched by unwinged mortals.

Thankfully you can get him to queue for you,
for some considerable time.
This will aid *RECOVERY.*


----------



## n-ick (12 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
must have a go at this......
Slowly through the damp fog a tall figure limped from the cemetary gates. Cosmo was abroad, his blue glasses glinted in the moonlight, he passed a glove across his sharpened teeth. He could smell wet rubber and disc brakes. Somewhere out there was a triker, he heard wheezing and spluttering as Byegad rounded the corner and recited his gear ratios."Any chance of a lift?" Cosmo stood in the path of the advancing Tirpitz, "Ha, manning the flamethrower,repell boarders!"Bygegad gripped a thick rope and swung his grappling hook toward the leaning figure. The hooks caught a hold on Cosmo's good leg "Damn, another year off work!"


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Oct 2011)

good attempt but riddle with accuracy, i cant be doing with that HO NOOOO!

i got a temporary chair, as a stop gap for the temporary chair on order, which is assigned to me temperately.


----------



## Speicher (12 Oct 2011)

As instructed, I have aimed for a blue bit. 

* last minute adjustment to trajectory *



WWEEEEEooooooooowwwwww


Landed! lard 

bounce on a lard bounce blue lard bounce bit.


----------



## byegad (12 Oct 2011)

n-ick said:


> Ah,
> 'tis true, a few hours with Cosmo and you just lose the sanity.
> ..edit...



And the will to live.


----------



## byegad (12 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> As instructed, I have aimed for a blue bit.
> 
> * last minute adjustment to trajectory *
> 
> ...




Nick did you spot Speicher's re-entry? Which ocean did she land in? I've got the rowing boat on the roof of the car, just waiting for directions.


----------



## Speicher (14 Oct 2011)

I can sea houses from where I am standing on this little island.

I am concerned about the proximity of wild cattle, but realise I am lucker than most. 

Please send rescue.

If you need it, I will try to get a map ref.


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2011)

We had a great weekend riding in Northumberland. Nick was rowing his boat around the local pond looking for Speicher so didn't come with us. 

Cooeeee! SSSpiecherRRRR! 

Where are you?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Oct 2011)

i am back!
i was horizontal for a time at varying velocity, had some pie for dinner and a glass of ale and a not stand up.
some weird people turned up and had a rubbish quiz.
then i came home.


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2011)

I thought the midnight gun battle on the Friday night was exciting! Apparently, no one died!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Oct 2011)

it was just target practice ready for when the proletariat over throw the bourgeoisie, come the revelation there will be a 1/2lb block of lard in every larder.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Oct 2011)

and porridge in every mans boots.


----------



## theloafer (16 Oct 2011)

really like your ride mark..


----------



## byegad (17 Oct 2011)

theloafer said:


> really like your ride mark..



Shame about the rider!


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Oct 2011)

byegad said:


> Shame about the rider!



as you can see, focusing the lard within, this pose is called "not stud up hominid" a bit like crouching tiger stance it is used as a relaxed alert, first position; a coiled spring of sinew and muscle awaiting the perfect instant to release all that pent up power.


----------



## Speicher (17 Oct 2011)

byegad said:


> We had a great weekend riding in Northumberland. Nick was rowing his boat around the local pond looking for Speicher so didn't come with us.
> 
> Cooeeee! SSSpiecherRRRR!
> 
> Where are you?



You obviously did not look Far neenough out to see.


----------



## byegad (17 Oct 2011)

So with the winds around the British Isles strengthening, and still no news of a recovery from oor 'ero. 

Where is Speicher? 

Has she used the power of lard to swim home?

Did she smother herself in best Beef Dripping to keep warm?

Did Nick rescue her and is far too modest to claim the credit and the massive nearly 20p reward cobbled together at Wooler Bike Right for her return?

Also, where's Lord Lucan?

And Shergar?


THE ANSWERS TO MOST OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE REVEALED EXCLUSIVELY HERE, eventually! We hope. Well maybe. Possibly not. We'll see.


----------



## n-ick (17 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I'm back too ! Unfortunately from the Deep South coast. Every morning when I woke up, I had to check any metamorphosis towards mothism.

Despite meetings with Social services,NHS and police, there has been no resolution. This is a wonderful country to grow old and demented in. Nobody cares if you drink yourself silly, wander along A roads and live in another world.It's 'uman rites.

A curse on the Witch and the Clown. They have crossed my path too many times to be innocent.

Forget the *RECOVERY*, take the money and smile.

Beware sir, your photographig homage does you little favours.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Oct 2011)

referring to the very healthy growth of leg hair, with the fairing small creatures don't get trapped in it so no need to shave it.

gosh remind me to reminisce about good old local services ect, happy times like when we had to push my dads wheel chair 2 miles down the road to the day centre to use the toilet and bath as we could not get him through the door in our council pyramids bath room; we only did this for 8 years until we got moved.

we missed n-ick at wooler a moving target is always more fun and we could have pointed out what landed gentry look like to the troops.
come the revolution, any one to do with poetics saying "i am a scheming git and out to fill my pockets" at the beginning and end of every press conference will be compulsory.
remember lard is your friend, but with grate power comes grate responsibility.


----------



## byegad (18 Oct 2011)

So! Nick wasn't rowing his boat, well old bath tub with plug super glued in place, looking for Speicher. Where is she? Her phone is still working so if she's still in the water it illustrates the power of a good thick coat of lard. 


To be continued...


----------



## n-ick (19 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
many thanks for your kind research, you should be villified and set up as example.
Good luck with your new chair, Spud has a spare one, but it connects up to mains and there's restraining 
buckles and an ECG fixture.

Surely this would help you froget about *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (19 Oct 2011)

We knew about the new office chair, but the electrification was going to be a surprise for our Sun Bronzed Geek God. Who would have been a Medium Rare* Sun Bronzed Geek God. IF ONLY NICK HAD KEPT QUIET!

*Well unique really, thank goodness!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Oct 2011)

having solved the problem of renewable energy, a method of government that is fair to all and a recipe for the perfect porridge sandwich, i have decided to investegate cloning tecneaks this week.


----------



## n-ick (19 Oct 2011)

Yo Cos,
Holy multiplication Ratman! Not another Cosmo in the Universe.
Double sick pay, another scheme to bankrupt Lord Coe of Stratford.

Zap! Pow! tecneaks aside, we invite you to step into Spud's Cabinet of 
Cloning.
It seems he has wired up a food mixer to a photocopier. Prepare to be 
amazed.
Naturally ear plugs will be available, as we wouldn't want to enjoy your 
screams of pleasure.

This above all else will double your chances of never *RECOVERING.*


----------



## Speicher (19 Oct 2011)

No one missed me, no one went looking for me. There I was on the Farne Islands, only a stone's throw from Wooler, and Seahouses and Lucker.  

Anywayoop on the fred 'bout Wooler, have a look at the Loafer's bottom picture. Oh  should I rephrase that? 
The picture at the bottom of his post. 

Why has Mark got skid marks in front of his bikicle? How fast does he reverse so that he can create skidmarks on the tarmack?


----------



## byegad (19 Oct 2011)

You should have said! We could have sent a rescue party. Presumably you hunted Seals for meat and skins to make a coracle to paddle your way ashore. 

Glad you survived but the latest news means I'm looking for a way off the planet. Two Cosmos are two too many. Unless our SBGG is suffering from schizophrenia.

I'm in two minds about that.


----------



## Speicher (19 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> I can *sea houses* from where I am standing on this *little island*.
> 
> I am concerned about the proximity of *wild cattle*, but realise I am *lucker* than most.
> 
> ...



The mined boggles as to why you needed more clues.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Oct 2011)

the skid marks are from demonstrating the unleashing of all that pent up energy from the "not stud up hominid not stance"it is quite impressive.

we do not have a picture of bygads flotation devises strapped to his trike ready for a rescue, but when we got to the café he sort of became interested in food and coffee and sort of lost interest. 

tow of me! that will never happen having this much sanity in one place would rip a hole in fuzzy fantasy that the rest of you call reality but is merely a figment of your sick minds, i was just going to clone several extra legs.

i have now received a chair it came with a manual! gone are the days when you walked up to a desk sat in a chair and that was it, now there are adjustments and fine-tuning air bladders, there is one leaver on the chair that is not in the book, being of the school of thought that buttons and levers are there to be used, i will pull that one tomorrow and see what happens. 
it will not be like the time i turned all the traffic lights of in the town centre while manning the cctv and traffic control room, i was only in the set up menu fine tuning some of the settings how new "sink, chain, block, central y/n" would turn them all off, you would think they would labile it or some thing!


----------



## n-ick (20 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
it'll either be the self destruct or ejection leaver.
Cosmo in charge of traffic lights! Holy Ratmobile!
Citizens of Rawmarsh, watch out for skidmarks.

It could be the *RECOVERY* leaver.


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit...
> we do not have a picture of bygads flotation devises strapped to his trike ready for a rescue, but when we got to the café he sort of became interested in food and coffee and sort of lost interest.
> REPLY
> They were there in case Speicher stopped being a girly flirt and told us where she was.
> ...


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2011)

The loafer has a picture of our SBGG and myself in his post on the Wooler thread. The last one has the SBGG on faired trike inspecting that wonder of American engineering, my yellow Trail, and I'm in the red shirt with blue Gilet stood by the silver car talking to the designer of floppy fairings about his hand shields on his recumbent bike.


----------



## n-ick (20 Oct 2011)

Yo, 
is that you riding around with an Union chamber pot on tha' head?


----------



## Scoosh (20 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> Anywayoop on the fred 'bout Wooler, have a look at the Loafer's bottom picture. Oh  should I rephrase that?
> The picture at the bottom of his post.
> 
> Why has Mark got skid marks in front of his bikicle? How fast does he reverse so that he can create skidmarks on the tarmack?



Why is Mark licking some bloke's lower leg - and leering at byegad ?


----------



## Speicher (20 Oct 2011)

scoosh said:


> Why is Mark licking some bloke's lower leg - and leering at byegad ?



I think he is having a short not stand up, and resting his bonce on that bloke's leg.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Oct 2011)

if you look closly you will see it was the mini fairing i was looking at.

i did have a go with the lever, the result was some what unexpected and quite entertaining.

i have only done 60miles on the trike and 20 on the hand bike this week i think it is the Chang in the weather doing it.
yesterday i started to become concerned about the dorlish sea wall.


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> if you look closly you will see it was the mini fairing i was looking at.



He always says that and he was drooling. Nuff Sed!


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i did have a go with the lever, the result was some what unexpected and quite entertaining.



Didn't hear the bang??


Nick the detonator failed. Now what?


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i have only done 60miles on the trike and 20 on the hand bike this week i think it is the Chang in the weather doing it.



I thought it was the Ming or the Han, maybe the Chin, but what did the Chang Dynasty do to you?


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Oct 2011)

it was the vase that i discovererd in the plinth of a old grand clock it was stuffed full of green and red pebbles carved in to dragons n stuff i slung them in the bottom of some ones fish tank the vase a door to door dealer gave me £10 for gosh i was chuffed, he must have been mad it was like donkeys years old.


----------



## n-ick (21 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmonaught,
I see that there is a Catrike Speed on fleabay with a cheap buy it now price.
Surely this would aid *recovery*.


----------



## byegad (21 Oct 2011)

Take more pills!


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Oct 2011)

i gave up on the pils i have peanut butter marmalade and Marmite sandwiches instead.
i like the look of the speed hydraulic brakes! looks like a good one, mine should be here tomorrow so will give you a report later.
only did a 20mile ride today and was a bit stiff for the first 5 miles as i did a fast ride on Thursday.

i am still concernd about the dorlish sea wall, some thing just seem to pray on ones mind, i wonder if i should phone some one up and see if it is ok?


----------



## byegad (22 Oct 2011)

When did the Dawlish Sea Wall last phone to ask about your leg. Forget it she's blown you out for a younger, fitter, saner model.


----------



## BenM (22 Oct 2011)

Peanut butter + Marmite = normal sane sandwich
Peanut butter + marmalade = slightly mad, but as PB + Golden Syrup is OK...
Peanut butter + marmalade + Marmite = umm cruel and unusual punishment under the terms of the Geneva convention?

Dawelish sea wall is just fine - she has plenty of clotted cream icecream to keep her warm in the winter.

B.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Oct 2011)

BenM said:


> Peanut butter + Marmite = normal sane sandwich
> Peanut butter + marmalade = slightly mad, but as PB + Golden Syrup is OK...
> Peanut butter + marmalade + Marmite = umm cruel and unusual punishment under the terms of the Geneva convention?
> 
> ...



while on tour, i have been known to make Peanut butter + marmalade + Marmite + banana + Stilton sandwiches, i cant use them on any uci and ucf event as they are band as performance enhancing, they are quite literally food of the gods.

thank goodness the sea wall is ok, it is only 262 miles away by road; my house is only 42.3m above sea level you can see why i was concerned.

now the cold weather is hear my mileage might drop a bit i have never had a go on a turbo trainer or rollers but am considering it for the really rubbish days when road riding is just a pain.
i could do with going to the place down the road and trying one of them recumbent without wheels, they just strike me as odd peddling away and getting no wear! the latest ones can be programed to mimic a road ride.


----------



## byegad (22 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> while on tour, i have been known to make Peanut butter + marmalade + Marmite + banana + Stilton sandwiches, i cant use them on any uci and ucf event as they are band as performance enhancing, they are quite literally food of the gods.
> ...edit...



The UCI won't let your abomination, work of the devil, fine machine anywhere near their holy events. So eat on Oh Sun Bronzed Geek God. 

Maybe you should remove the ash tray from your trike and fit a dispenser for sick bags. Not for you, but for the use of anyone else seeing you devour consume the ambrosia you define above. 

I'm off upstairs to call on the great God Rohlff  down the porcelain telephone.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Oct 2011)

UCI i will refrain from commenting on the illustrious group of officialdom; they are just two silly for comment.

todays ride was a shake down ride of the new chariot of the sbgg, i have flipped the searing handles over to make them lower and fitted the return idler, so only have 3" of chain tube on the return side but have the full length of the drive side from seat to front derailleur in a tube, parts of the ride wear defiantly faster the gearing is just about right, it came with a upgraded crank set all very posh and bling.
i did find the chain was over a part of the derailleur that it should have been under so was rubbing, and kept stopping to do a bit of tweaking so dont know yet how much of a difference in average speed there is.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2011)

Picture please. 

I've shown you mine...


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Oct 2011)

i have fitted my lights and a short rear mud guard; i will begin the tyre psi experiments, i will start at 100psi and go up and down a bit and see what is best.
to eliminate all chain tubing i would have to use a front boom clamp and anther return idler at about £60 to eliminate 3" of tubing i think i will see how it goes first. 








i would go up wrong baiting but the natives around here are head hunters.


----------



## Speicher (23 Oct 2011)

I think you should branch out into the field of wooden scooters.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2011)

Hope he twigs the joke.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Oct 2011)

i would take a picture but it is so low you cant see it.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2011)

We'll leaf out the fact you ignored two good puns. 

cummon, lets see a picture of the beast.


----------



## Speicher (23 Oct 2011)

Oh dear, he logged out some time ago.


----------



## Speicher (23 Oct 2011)

When he does logging again, perhaps he will show yew the photo.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Oct 2011)

i will when i have finished the tweaking, i made a computer mount today to fit on one of the water bottle bolts the lights are all fitted just waiting for the helicopter tape for the right cross arm so i can finish the chain tube mounting.

with the peddles being a bit higher i am felling it doing me good, i have been hovering around 16 to 24mph on any road remotely flat; down hills i am about the same speed as the trice with the screen on this will be because of the more reclined seat, on the cat making up for not having the screen on.

the ride is better than i thought it would be, i have not lifted a wheel yet! throwing it in to 90% bends outriging is a blast, i think it would be vertically unridable with twist shifters, with the searing response from the direct steering being so light when at speed, trigger shifters would work well.
you certainly have to watch what you are doing at 40+ mph.


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2011)

I'll ring him to get his age.


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2011)

Mark, You say you are using trigger changers? I agree twist grips are really not on for any kind of speed with direct steering. I'd guess you could get used to it, but why would you want to?

My Trail is more stable at speed, I hit 39mph in a downpour on my first ride. The main problem I've had in learning to ride the Trail smoothly is that the steering gets heavier as you slow down. When ever I get back onto my QNT I'm surprised by how light the steering feels at low speed. 

*How's about a picture? *


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Oct 2011)

no i am on bar end shifters.
i have sorted out the mirror, i have made a shim that fits in the steering bar and really holds the mirror solid.
i did a 30miler again today.

now the threat of flooding has been put to rest, i can relax a bit.


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2011)

Has there been some rain. Lovely day here I went out and did a 16 loop in near record time. Lots of wind!


----------



## Speicher (24 Oct 2011)

In near record time, was that at 43 rpm?


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2011)

No! 74.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Oct 2011)

no rain it was the sea wall i was fretting about, keep up will you!

here i am trying my best to inform and educate the masses and he is sat at the back reading a magazine 

i did not notice the wind on today's ride i did get passed over a trench in the road by some work men, the road was closed and it would have been a pain going around the 7mile detour so they helped me over the trench 

it is for the power lines from the new wind farm on top of mar hill, i did ask when they are putting the fans on and could they point em ovur arr way t'ut give us a push hom! but apparently they dont work like that and the wind turns them around to make electricity, this was explained to me in a slow clear way as being on a trike i am obviously special needs.


----------



## Speicher (24 Oct 2011)

There must be a market for a clockwork bicycle. You could wind it up at one of those farms.


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2011)

Better luck to the workmen next time. You are in _grave_ danger Oh SBGG!


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Oct 2011)

i had a good ride today , i am still tweaking the SBGG chariot, i cant wait to do a long ride over rolling ground and see what i can get out of it.

apparently the frogs in the Amazon are suffering from a lethal fungal infection!


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Oct 2011)

the hand bike has been in service all this week, there is one section of the road that is being resurfaced, wee! free full body massage.
next Monday "my day off" i have to go in to work and have my photograph taken for a new security badge, now do i go goth or glamrock? a full face henna tribal tattoo?
on the consent form there are boxes to tick if we give promotion for the photo's to be used in publicity relation to the council, this makes me a bit uneasy i already get recognised in the street, supermarket ect, as a seleb i do value my privacy, i think i will tick all the no boxes.

the tweaking goes on i have shortened the handle bars about 2.5" so the bar end shifters are not as high up and make gear chaining a bit less effort not having to lift my hand all that way up.

i wonder if athletes foot cream might be and good for fungus frogs?


----------



## byegad (27 Oct 2011)

I'd advise you tick the no publicity box. Why should the good people of Rotherham suffer?


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Oct 2011)

if all the latex gloves the nhs use, are saved and washed they can be shipped to south America for the frogs to use like coveralls.

prepare your selves for the photo shoot it should be this weekend, exclusive full-frontal trike! there may be a gimps of it .........idler!


----------



## byegad (27 Oct 2011)

And they don't come idler than Mark.



Bum! Bum!


----------



## byegad (27 Oct 2011)

Sorry that should be:-


Boom! Boom!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Oct 2011)

i have now done 150 miles on the trike 30 miles on the hand trike so far this week .

i have just been oiling up the trike ready for the photo shoot, it will be tasteful and artistic.


----------



## byegad (28 Oct 2011)

So long as only the trike is oiled up old chap!


----------



## byegad (28 Oct 2011)

Might frighten the horses y' know!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Oct 2011)

i will wear my trikeeny


----------



## byegad (29 Oct 2011)

I had to go for a long walk on reading this. 

I was nearly tempted to offer you...



(No easy way to say this.)





... money!

The shame! A Yorkshireman thinking of giving away hard brass. 

Luckily I got over it. So I've borrowed a shotgun and if the trikini does make an appearance, oiled or not I'll shoot you! One barrel only of course, no need to waste money on cartridges, when one carefully aimed one will do.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2011)

having read this i think some one has put a contract out on me.
coming up to a left turn of the main road doing 25mph a 4x4 over took me 20yards from the turn,
problem 
1 a car was pulling out of the turn to come towards us 
2 a car was just pulling up to turn in to the same road as me from the opposite direction.
3 lots of tyre smoke and three emergency stops later they all ended up 6" apart swearing a LOT!

1 mile further coming up to a t junction to turn left doing 20mph 15 yards from the junction a car over took and pulled up to the give way line with me rapidly approaching, a black bmw tried overtaking and pulling in front of me, there just was no way he would fit so he did a tyre smoking stop blocking the right hand lane, as we set of again he put full lock on and gunned it, i had a feeling this was going to happen so hung back and was not crushed as his wheels mounted the curb.
hand on horn he gave vent to his spleen, i did catch him up .5 of a mile further on but he sped off as i was emerging from the trike, so could gently explain how i was a tad upset that he had deliberately tried to use his car as a weapon!

next as i was on the long descent from wentworth 28mph a bus over took doing 50+ on a blind bend, half way past me he just pulled in to the side, if i had not hit the brakes hard i would be dead now.

1 mile further on a van did the same again on a blind bend only this time a car was coming she did a emergency stop, i did a emergency stop....... the van floored it, the lady was sat on the bend screaming, i think she was a bit upset.

in all four incidents if i had not been on the ball i would not be typing this now.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2011)

the trikeeny is like a mankeeny but less conservative and made out of black pvc.


----------



## Speicher (29 Oct 2011)

I am sure you should be calling it a Bikeeny. I am awaiting upon pectorial evidence.

Perhaps you will reveal all later this evening.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> having read this i think some one has put a contract out on me.
> 
> 
> in all four incidents if i had not been on the ball i would not be typing this now.



<shudders>

Is it just you - are all the drivers round your way idiots ???







More seriously [yes- apologies for being serious in a thread devoted to *THE RECOVERY*] but perhaps you should have a big notice on the back of your trike which says something like :

"HEY ! SLOW DOWN !!!

I CAN DO 50 MPH ON THIS, YOU KNOW !"


----------



## Scoosh (29 Oct 2011)

... or maybe a notice saying:



*"BEWARE - I AM WEARING A TRIKEENY !* "


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2011)

http://ridewithgps.com/trips/434032 today's ride

i am having a problem with the trikeeny, i was using it to lob water balloons over the house earl eyer this year, and the elastic has stretched this makes it a bit baggy.

after 225miles i did my first shake down service, i have adjusted toe-in to 0.75mm as it was at 4.5mm toe-out this has made the handling totally different it is now stable at any speed and a lot more relaxed, set the hi low limit on the rear and got the indexing spot on, set up the disc brakes and tested all the nut and bolt are tight.

i am going to writ to my mp about the frog fungus.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> I am sure you should be calling it a Bikeeny. I am awaiting upon pectorial evidence.
> 
> Perhaps you will reveal all later this evening.



trike as in three "er meat and two veg" "the tree musketeers" "the three amigos" "TDH tom d...k & harry" ect.


----------



## Speicher (29 Oct 2011)

If you would like to see a pic of me on my new bike, there is a thread in Café.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2011)

shiny bike! and action photography, you will never get it off the ground with only one owl, i did a rough calculation and 2346.2234 would get you about 3' off the ground but flight duration would frankly be rubbish. 
a gorilla on the back of a tandem now there we are talking eco commuter transport.


----------



## byegad (29 Oct 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> having read this i think some one has put a contract out on me.
> coming up to a left turn of the main road doing 25mph a 4x4 over took me 20yards from the turn,
> problem
> 1 a car was pulling out of the turn to come towards us
> ...



Shucks, foiled again!

Back to the shotgun solution!


----------



## n-ick (30 Oct 2011)

Yo Cos, 
your devi;lishly bad road experiences are the main reason that I'm thinking of giving up the trike. I'd like to live a bit longer and not in traction.

In addition to bad drivers we have also had louts open passenger doors on us and shout welcoming encouragement. It's strange that they call me a banker, although I've never been a "banker"(?). 

4x4s seem to think they own not only the country but every inch of the road, including my personal space up to the nostrils.
This came to a head when I tried out a kiddy trailer, it was actually brushed by passing cars, despite having a high viz flag, lights and a very terrified Rupert Bear in.

I think there's a psycho mode of aggression and frustration that is inherent behind the wheel. I find single women on their own to be completely dangerous behind the wheel. Is it in the Highway code that the rear view mirror is actually a handily placed vanity mirror ? 

GGGGGGRRRRR!!!!!!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

the new ride, note the free upgraded front crank/ bottom bracket bling, the lights are the same as on the ice and all 12v, the chain tube on the power side will be replaced with a black on in time.
if the idlers were 2" further forward i would not need any chain tube, i am considering ordering a bolt on bracket to move them forward, the drive train is just about silent now.


















"4x4s seem to think they own not only the country but every inch of the road, including my personal space up to the nostrils.
This came to a head when I tried out a kiddy trailer, it was actually brushed by passing cars, despite having a high viz flag, lights and a very terrified Rupert Bear in."

having reported incidents, all of which were deliberate attempts to use a vehicle as a lethal weapon, to s yourks, Bradford and York police got absolutely no where; sit on a curb edge after i had been over the roof of a car that turned across the road in-font of me while a pc interrogated me like i was a criminal and did not even brethalyse the driver that stank of booze.

allowing bicycle/trike riders to carry surface to surface missiles is the only option! that or paint ball guns with paint eating acid instead of paint.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

happy trikeing


----------



## Speicher (30 Oct 2011)

Tis a tad early, but here is your pint and a pie. 

I chose a steak and ale pie, is that ok?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

i love steak and ale pie! how did you know, gosh a hole steak and ale pie, ooooooolg as homer would say.


----------



## Speicher (30 Oct 2011)

I was not so sure about the pint. So I decided that you could try a local ale. Mrs Botherington at Totteringham Farm does a home brew, alledgedly tasting of sunshine, with a hint of burnt tobacco and a smidgeon of roasted hay.
How does that sound?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> I was not so sure about the pint. So I decided that you could try a local ale. Mrs Botherington at Totteringham Farm does a home brew, alledgedly tasting of sunshine, with a hint of burnt tobacco and a smidgeon of roasted hay.
> How does that sound?



mmm might not be keen if its got fag ends grass in it and been sat out in the sun


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

on tonight's ride some youffs hailed me "harken breather-in behold a sun bronzed Greek god like chap perambulating along on a spiffing newfangled conveyance." for chap with there bums hanging out of there toruses they were quite apprehensive of my cat.


----------



## n-ick (30 Oct 2011)

Yo Cosmo, nice , try wearing some clothes next time.


----------



## byegad (30 Oct 2011)

No clothing = trikini...






CLICK!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

yes i was trikeeny clad it is probably the last night ride i can do in it before the cold puts a stop to it, i could start stuffing it with socks to keep the chill of but that might be a tad odd, the green balaclava did help tonight.

i did a experiment tonight i fitted two sticky out bits on the back with reflective tape and 3 reflective thin strips dangling down to blow about and add movement on the ends in-total the same with as the trike at its widest point.
the cars gave me as much room as they do on the ice q, even though the ice is only 3" wider than the cat it must look a lot bigger to the drivers.
it seems to work in daylight as well as at night.
i call them "the sticky out dangly antlers that make drivers thing you are a lot wider than you are bits"


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

the hereditary tea bag finely fell to bits tonight, so i will be using a new one, the sudden rush of strong tea may make me a bit light headed.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2011)

gosh i am a bit dizzy, i think it best i have a not stand up for a bit.


----------



## Speicher (30 Oct 2011)

Tea bags made in the last century were partickullary weak. If you have finally progressed to using a tea bag pertaining to this century, you might need to dilute it with something like whiskey. It can be very wisky not so to do.

I have asked Mrs Barmington-Philpott if she can recommend a local ale from the casks in her cellar. She has got as far as opening the hatch, and is looking into it.


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2011)

Barmington-Philpott

Is that the Hampshire Barmington-Philpotts or the Cumbrian Barmington-Philpotts? If it's the Cumbrian branch they are well known to the byegads. I went to school with Bunny and we both knew the Fitz family and were well acquainted with their American cousin Tex.


----------



## Speicher (31 Oct 2011)

When Mrs Barmington-Philpott has finished looking into her cellar, I will enquire about her family's provenance. 

From her accent, I would guess it is the Zummerset Baaarmington-Phiiilpotts.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

i am getting into this super strength tea, i can see me using a new tea bag every week, to heck with the expense.
 did i just type that  it must have been in a tea addled haze  by the almighty gumm!


Mrs Barmington-Philpott i think she is also related to Mrs Mavis Endeby; how lives in the house facing a rather exzilarating twisty decent, very much like the Cresta run for trikes, hows drive way i violate several times a year. 
though she never brings beer out to me, it might be the fact that she is very religious as every time i see her she is praying .

no recponce from my MP re the frog fungus and recycling NHS latex gloves; the man needs to reconect with the electrate and there concerns, the last time i went to one of his surgery's i found him in a broom cubed with a mop bucket on his head, i think he was pretending to be a lamp .
now i think about it there are a surprising number of local officials i have frequent and in-depth philosophical discussions how are avid tree climbers, random parked car/ van amateur safety inspectors (there are several i can recognise from the wear pattern on the bottom of there shoes now, some are so badly wedge underneath i have had to call the fire service twice now to get them out ) and quite swift runners for rotund people.

there are some very odd people wondering around and the world can be a bewildering place for us few sane normal types.


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> When Mrs Barmington-Philpott has finished looking into her cellar, I will enquire about her family's provenance.
> 
> From her accent, I would guess it is the Zummerset Baaarmington-Phiiilpotts.



They are the scum of the family. After the great row over what Lady Baaarmington-Phiiilpotts said about The Hon' Barmy Barmington-Philpott over Sunday lunch at Winscale View, the family seat, they are persona non grata with the rest of the family, which is why I didn't mention them. 

Lord Barmington-Philpott of Winscale d.o.b. 01/04/1959 and well know for being the only member of the House of Lords to have three ears and three testicles has decreed that they shall henceforth ignore the Somerset branch of the family. As he's the only one with any money and likely to live a short life, due to the radiation poisoning that followed the Winscale fire of 10/10/1957, they all toe the party line in the vain hope that Barmy, the only child of Lord and Lady Barmington-Philpott and who incidentally was the best swimmer in school and college due to his webbed feet, will croak before Lord Barmington-Philpott of Winscale and they'll collect in the terms of Lord Barmington-Philpott's will. Although of course in Barmy's case he webs the line rather than toes it as he's convinced he's a teapot and will live forever.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

the flat knot society commit meeting today report

the ner ner you cant kill me i am a tank defence has been reinstated, there are some rules though.
only trikeanouts wearing a tea-cosy large copper pot combination helmet with a handle of at least 12" and dragging a old car tyre on a peace of rope are allowed to declare them selves a tank.
this follows last year debacle as every on claimed to be a tank, as this was a re-enactment of Bosworth hill it was frankly silly, after six hours of intense battle we had one simulated casualty when some one passed out in the beer tent.

we had the safty elf in, the latex tiped longbow arrows last year were coursing some pepole to get a rash, all arrows will now be tipped with steel.

all food stuffs will be tested by a team of addicts from Canklow estate Rotherham, they can tell the quality and strength of any intoxicant from five feet, Mr byegad's patent shroom soup will not be making a reappearance!
after a small taste i was under the delusion i could smell the colour gorange and sent two hours trying to lick my left elbow.


this years rallying cry will be "Ho nooo!"

as usual all minuets of meetings are totally incomprehensible irrelevant and pointless, available on request.


----------



## Speicher (31 Oct 2011)

Was there a Quorum at the above-mentioned committea meating, or just Tea and Biscuits?

I take it that you are allowed to add hock to your Tea?

*"as usual all minuets of meetings are totally incomprehensible irrelevant and pointless, available on request". *

I would blame the musicians.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

the meeting  



"the sticky out dangley antlers that make drivers thing you are a lot wider than you are bits"





S.O.D.A.T.M.D.T.Y.A.A.L.W.T.Y.A.B. have had a effect, as most drivers never look any further down the road than the rear bumper of the car in front and all cars are sort of boxes, when they look at the back of the catrike all they see is the back wheel and have no concept of how wide it is, the S.O.D.A.T.M.D.T.Y.A.A.L.W.T.Y.A.B.'s give them a reference they are familiar with.

well that is my theory and the are working for me.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

you hum it and i will butcher it.


----------



## Speicher (31 Oct 2011)

I must admit that I am unaccustomed to seeing men's sticky out dangley bits at this hour of the day!


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2011)

Speicher said:


> Was there a Quorum at the above-mentioned committea meating, or just Tea and Biscuits?
> 
> I take it that you are allowed to add hock to your Tea?
> 
> ...



The quorum last year was off and everyone spent several hours in the echoing phone booth shouting for the Great God Rohlf.

They had a majority the year before which was overdone.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

no one clicked the link i can tell you know.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2011)

this chap needs men's sticky out dangley bits.
and lard to rub on his bruises.


----------



## plantfit (31 Oct 2011)

Lords to have three ears and three testicles

Surely thats a load of Bo!!ocks

Roger


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2011)

plantfit said:


> Lords to have three ears and three testicles
> 
> Surely thats a load of Bo!!ocks
> 
> Roger



Well it's a bit more than two more than the world average.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Nov 2011)

It was pointed out to me recently that I very seldom use my brakes on fast dissents, it may be a hereditary thing.

 My dad at age ten standing at the top of the “green hill” this is a street in Mexborough that is so steep it is still cobbled, the thick clumps of snow flakes drifting down. “I double double dare you” said Marlene his sister. 

Looking at the sled, a construct built by my granddad from 4”x2” and floor boarding, the runners were made from guide rails rescued form the coal conveyor belt at manvers pit bottom, it would comfortably sit three adults it was a industrial strength sled and required a draft horse to pull it up even a slight hill or one small boy full of dripping sandwiches.

Throwing caution to the wind, he set the behemoth in motion down the cobbled hill; as he recounted the events that flowed it became clear he had not thought it through.

Rapidly reaching terminal velocity in every sense of the fraise, he realised at the speed he was travelling he would traverse the road at the bottom, this would not have been a problem were it not for the row of tersest houses.

bailing out was not a option with the cobbled road rushing past at a alarming rate.


When he hit the curb at the far side of the road the trajectory of the sled coursed it to hit the front door of 54 about where the letter box used to be!, sitting on a home made sled in some ones front hall on top of what was left of there front door while your eye balls bounce up and down can focus ones mind, exiting at maximum speed taking into account his hobnailed boots.

the words that will always strike dread in to any boy hart "wait till a see thi father!" followed him down the road.

given his practical experiments in soap box pram fusion racing, canal swimming and tree swing escapades it is a miracle he survived long enough to rear a family.


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2011)

Brake on a hill? Why? Good on ye'r Dad. Now if only he'd joined a monastery at an early age...


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Nov 2011)

i would have rubbed the runners with lard.


----------



## Speicher (1 Nov 2011)

My grandma used to watch her mother doing the laundry and then dipping the clothes into a starch solution.

Grandma decided one day, that the kittens needed a wash and also starching. The ickle kitties fell asleep after their bath, and woke up dry and very stiff.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Nov 2011)

i have been a bit stiff today, it might be the tea having a effect.
i was thinking of slightly stiffening my dangely bits as they have a tendency to get all knotted up.


----------



## Speicher (1 Nov 2011)

I would be in agreement that having dangly bits that wave around would not be appropriate or useful. To be useful they should, as you state, be slightly stiffened. What process do you intend to use in order to improve the rigidity of your dangly bits? 

One of the regular posters on this thread is fond of using glue. Could you experiment with a mixture of glue, starch and uncooked spaghetti?

Do be mindful that if your dangly bits are too rigid, there may be a danger, however remote, of poking someone's eye out.

I would add that I am very good at untangling knots. Tis a shame that as my location is so far south and west of your location, that I am unable to offer my assistance in unknotting your sticky out dangly bits.


----------



## byegad (2 Nov 2011)

That's the best turn down he's had for three years, at least!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Nov 2011)

i was thinking of using a laminator on the dangelys this would make them stif but alow the wind to move them, this would attract attention to size of the sticky out bits.


----------



## n-ick (2 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
beware of the *INQUISITION*.Nae mind t'questioning, it's straight in with Spud's " Answering machine and Dangly bits remover"; patent pending.
By t'way....is the *RECOVERY* over?


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Nov 2011)

i am still on the wounded list, if you could see me after sitting at a desk for 7 hours you would think it was attack of the zombie hunchbacks.
i have been slowly improving real ail seems to help in carefully controlled quantity's about 1 pint every six weeks.

on today's ride i became moist! i had forgotten how much protection i get from the wind wrap fairing in the rain. thankfully i was wearing my lard impregnated woollen under garments even moist i was still nice and comfortable.

spud can keep his twitching fingers of my dangely bits they are doing a good job, frightening the car drivers.


----------



## n-ick (3 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
with lack of imagination, I can see it now. A strained hunched figure scribes away at his desk, the candle flickers low, it's Christmas eve. He scratches strange glphs into the velum tomes. Two cockroaches are coming out of the woodwork.Cosmo looks up at the clock , nearly time to hunch down to the Twizzler shop to buy some morsels and weavels for a festive feast. Perhaps time for a pint of real ail. 
Here's looking forward to a year of real ail. I understand that your *recovery* next year will be Olympian.

Beware sir, oil and water will not mix. Glue and lard make marge, do not contemplate spreading it about.

Eyes are upon you sir, there are followers everywhere. Lamposts have eyes,take care sir. The Extraordinary will be observing.


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2011)

That explains the lack of *recovery!*

Our SBGG is imbibing ail rather than ale. Such an easy mistake if you are dyslecksick disleksik disslexik can't spell. 


Let our war cry be; 'Dyslexia lures KO!'


----------



## n-ick (3 Nov 2011)

Holy EEC Ratman!!!
ail is French for garlic. This will be another step towards becoming a Rawmarsh powder monkey.

Take care , in some shires, transportation is still the most popular option.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> That explains the lack of *recovery!*
> 
> Our SBGG is imbibing ail rather than ale. Such an easy mistake if you are dyslecksick disleksik disslexik can't spell.
> 
> ...



you claim Yorkshire linage yet don't know about fermented lard tea! i beginning to think you may be a foreigner.


at just over 500 miles in the past two weeks on the catrike, with lots of little adjustments it is all set up, every thing has now eased up giving me nice smooth almost silent drive train.
the lowest gear at 19" is about the limit for around hear and still be able to spin; the performance over short rides comparered to the ice 30 to 40 miles the cat is better by about 2 mph on the average speed, i will not know about longer rides 80 to 100 miles until i have done a few in the spring.
the odd thing is i am faster on down hills on the ice? but can sustain my speed longer on the cat. 

i have severel coments over this week by car drivers, expressing there hatred of my dngely stick out things, where they would have squeezed through they are folowing me now untill they can pull around me properly, this seems to really upset them!
all have received a manic wave and a cheery "your welcome" or "thank you"


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2011)

You Sir! are the foreigner from the West Riding, which as you will know is too close to L********e! We North Riding types have culture, good looks and carry the one true word to the heathens in the East* and West Ridings.

*Also known as softy Southern Yorkshiremen, they can pretend they're Easterners, but we all know they are close to Lincolnshire and so the deep South! 

Ail is what sheep and cattle do before you have to eat them or, and I hope you're sitting down, bury the body! Oh, the waste!

Ale is what you sit down and drink, when someone else has bought a round, while bemoaning the perfidious L****s' or the lack of culture among the barbarians who share the good earth with the chosen few. ie The rest of England, not bad types in the main, except the L*********e lot, but sadly not from Yorkshire, the rest of the UK, poor things, and then those poor tortured souls who don't even live in the UK.


----------



## n-ick (4 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
looks like you'll have to show your particulars for stamping

Spud has invested in some size 15 clogs , ready for stamping. Naturally 
we'll be offering ear plugs, as we don't wish to enjoy you screams.

Be aware sir, glue,lard and tea make a volatile and often explosive mix, if rubbed on
or imbibed 
by ail drinkers.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Nov 2011)

apparently you can dissolve copper coins in a good ail, i am experimenting using it as electro-light.
i think i will make a new minion i have almost worn out the last two making them push the car three miles to the shops to save on the petrol. 

today i am having a day off from riding and having a glass of botany creek £2.74 "job lot, falling down water" so be warned i may become slightly unpredictable later.


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2011)

How will we tell?


----------



## Speicher (4 Nov 2011)

Perhaps the falling down water reduces his tendency to unpredictabilitiness. If one was to draw a graph, as opposed to a pint, then the predictability would be inverse to the falling down water proportion consumed. 



He has to finish his chores first.


----------



## BenM (5 Nov 2011)

being from "oop north" of Dorchester, you lot should be used to falling down water, or rain as us hardy south coast pirates call it. Water of life is the thing, I have a barrel fresh from France in the cellar hidden behind the  bodies of the excise men  fertilizer.

arrrr!


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Nov 2011)

having now purged the "falling down water" from my system normal service will resume.

"as water wa dropin out u sky" one decided the ice needed a airing, it felt like i was sitting bolt up right when i first set off  but soon got back in to the comfort zone, 60540 really is a delight to ride in hen weather, so a nice 40 mile ride reacquainted me with this blessed trike, it did get a bit mucky though as the nice farmers have thoughtfully laid down a good supply of mud on the roads i ride, terrific race the farmers.

still no word from my mp re frog fungus epidemic! i am thinking of writing to the queen she should be told about this lax attitude in one of her minions, he should be slightly decapitated for a first offence.

the ninja bikers are out in force again this year  but they are all crap as i can still see them so that should be failed ninja bikers. 

i am now going to wipe the trike with a oily rag and shout at passing helicopters and point at random people mouthing he is over there, i think the helicopter drivers appreciate the attention.


----------



## n-ick (6 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
 I am pleased to see that you have graduated to one of the highest states of insanity. Many have tried to attain such a level, either by chanting or mesmerism. The next stage should produce levitation and even a possibility of self combustion.

Beware sir,take heed and head towards *REVOCERY*.


----------



## neil earley (6 Nov 2011)

having tried to read your coomments I am still trying to decifer it all,but with no joy so far? think your all taking the same medication { morphine and so called ale from the nectar of the gods} think I am catching this afflication OMG tis rampant and will wipe out valley folk in the deepest part of Wales where we spin out that egg shaped ball and drop it over them H shaped posts with glee, I am going back to sheep, oopps mean sleep and dream of triking once again, to all you mad bentnaughts have a good days weaviing your 3 wheeled chariots causing young uns and women to stair in disbelief of the bearded sandel clad warriors with the 20 mile grin which is a fearfull sight to the non converted upwrong jockeys!!! Neil the trikeless signing off


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2011)

See! It's spreading and it's all the SBGG's fault.


----------



## Speicher (6 Nov 2011)

It has spread this far south and west, and furthermoresome, I do not own a trike.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2011)

Speicher said:


> It has spread this far south and west, and furthermoresome, I do not own a trike.



a non beliver! we will have to get you on a not stand up bike, "stick on beards are available in goat, wool and nylon" contrary to popular belief sandals with woollen socks are not compulsory, airobelly would improve performance but i have been managing without one though i may go to a prosthetic one possibly with facility for a hot water bottle for the cold rides.


can you believe it not one helicopter cam over yesterday! i was forced to point out the bus stop to a passing number 228 in desperation.

while trike riding one has little need to keep ones eyes riveted to the two squire yards of road/cycle path in front, it is thus i have spotted some very interesting things, the inflatable badger, lots of bits of cars/vans/lorrys, three spanners, one quality screw driver, lots of cargo straps, several work boots/gloves and wind turbines well the last one was hard to miss i will admit.
it is also astounding what you see people doing in the drive ways as you pass every thing from runing the vacume cleaner up and down to yoga.

today i have been bemoaning the lack of industrial strength sticky back plastic, i used to get offcuts from the sighn company that was next door to the yard but they have moved now dashed inconvenient, i had to *PURCHASE some *_ _the walletectomy was carried out under local anaesthetic thou still traumatic.

i am thinking of wheel discs for the new trike but cant make up my mind.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2011)

still no news on the frogs, experimenting with lard balm was a failure as it just made them tasty to the rest of the fauna.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2011)

Hope you get over the walletectomy soon. Such trauma or a Yorkshireman can make him do stupid things like buy rounds or give to charity!


----------



## n-ick (6 Nov 2011)

"today i have been bemoaning the lack of industrial strength sticky back plastic, i used to get offcuts from the sighn company that was next door to the yard but they have moved now dashed inconvenient, i had to *PURCHASE some *_ _the walletectomy was carried out under local anaesthetic thou still traumatic."

Holy No Entery sign Ratman?
did the sighn company go buts?
Will there be a recovery from the wallectomy?
Will shares in Rawmarsh's mobile villiage idiot company tumble?
Will there be hony for tea?
Will there be a RECOVERY ?
Greece is waiting.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2011)

Holy No Entery sign Ratman?
did the sighn company go buts?
Will there be a recovery from the wallectomy?
Will shares in Rawmarsh's mobile villiage idiot company tumble?
Will there be hony for tea?
Will there be a RECOVERY ?
Greece Lard is waiting.

FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2011)

i have been experimenting with clothing for the winter rides, the wool undergarments infused with lard are top notch, the Kaiser Wilhelm II helmet was ok





but the addition of a perspex visor improved things, i may move over to the simple spiked one for better aerodynamics.






the ride tonight was pleasant as there was no wind, but the temperature is dropping fast.
it was cold enough for me to have put my over shoe covers on and thick tights.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> Holy No Entery sign Ratman?
> did the sighn company go buts?
> Will there be a recovery from the wallectomy?
> Will shares in Rawmarsh's mobile villiage idiot company tumble?
> ...



i have been sat fondling cash this afternoon, this has helped considerably to sooth my nerves.
as Rwamarsh is part of the metropolis of Rotherham we have no village idiot, this role was franchised out and retitled as leader of the council.

jet again i had a bit of a odd encounter on today's ride.
while riding along a straight wide open stretch of road, women drivers keep coming up to within 3' of the back of my trike following me for a bit then swerving around me with there windows open on my side of the car shouting "your dangerous!" then weaving about a bit they wonder back on to the correct side of the road? 
why do they pull up to the back of me and follow when there is nothing coming the other way?
are they infering that being a SBGG devestatingly handsom and dashing in a dangerus bad boy sort of way makes me dangerous, i am confused? why cant people explain them selves properly?


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Nov 2011)

today i serviced some sealed for life bearing, as they wear dry and a bit glued up.
i first cleaned them with fish oil (wd40) drayed them then applied a bit of synthetic lard (lithium grease), this is the second time i have serviced the sealed for life bearings!

the old one pannier on the right hand side of the bike undun with straps flapping about trick, has been employed again now most of my rides are in the dark, this like my sticky out and dangey bits keeps the cars a reasonable distance from me most of the time.


----------



## n-ick (7 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I think you need the lard removing from t'ears. It is obvious that what lady drivers were shouting was "You're gorgeous", the reply shuld be "you too". Holding up 2 fingres will add to the pleasantry.

Obviously the pheromones exuded by your armpits have attracted and captured these ladies, who like bees to 
nectar become quite senseless with excitement. I suggest you further enhance your efforts by producing a chummy and throwing out scoopfulls. You may need a bigger boat.

It is by these methods that, like a moth to flame you will indeed , like a pieyed piper attract the more dangerous drivers, leaving the road safe for other users.
Bravo sir, an inflatable Sumo suit is winging it's way to you to increase your kudos and road presence.In case of collision , it will also double as an air bag, or even boil in the bag on hot days.

Cosmo, there's no such thing as sealed for life, we could put you in Spud's cat and fish lamination machine though.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2011)

i have been looking at the cycling facilities of the new office that is opening soon 166 secure cycle bays 7 showers for men and 6 for women and 106 mesh lockable drying lockers in the men 108 in the woman's.

as the parking permits are £25 pounds a month, and meadow hall is five minuets away along a nice flat smooth cycle path i wonder how will be coming in on folding bikes?
as the requirement to have a car to do district work has been dropped we now have enforcement officers being paid £12 ph to ride about on buses, to do inspections  if they have to go to the south district that might be 3 buses 1.5 hrs each way.

i keep telling every one i am the only sane person in the world  

the ice-q has seen some service this week with the crap weather, she did bite me to night is i was caressing her and giving her chain a vigorous rub after lubing her up, i think it might be a bit jealousy.
the not sealed for life bearings feel fantastic now and the slight flex i was experiencing in the steering has gone.


i have had a chat with the DH about our move over to EDS from HAS, when the flexible working enablement comes full stream, as a pro-tem fazed return to work, reasonable adjustment candidate, there as yet is no sketched out frame work for moving me forward, HR have booked a review of the last review undertaken with EDS HD in conjunction with my present HD.
though possibly a role review my be required to make best use of my specialist knowledge and experience.

i think he was saying we are moving to a different bit of the council and he dose not know what is happening and will get back to me when he dose, though expect to have a lot of extra s**t dropped in my lap, i think!

byegad speaks management i think he picked it up while on a buffet safari on the third floor from one of the natives up there.
he could be a part time consultant/translator.


----------



## n-ick (8 Nov 2011)

Holy paperwork flames Ratman!
I'd move to EDS, do they make sofas?
Certainly seems they've got you lined up for all the dross that sinks down from 
great unwashed level.
I should go with the flow, appear unwordly and 
take in round sandwiches with frilly edges.

Byegad is indeed an edifice to managemnet, in another Universe
he'd have you tied to the 
wheel and disciplined with a cat with 9 tails. 
Naturally ear plugs would be available.

Will you be putting *RECOVERY* in tha ' action plan ?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2011)

"Will you be putting *RECOVERY* in tha ' action plan ?"
i would have to go down to that there londinium and give them all a good slap for that to take place.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2011)

apparently my great ants, husbands third cousins, half-brothers grandmother had a fling with Kaiser Wilhelm, she was bent over cleaning the ashes out of the fire and he bumped in to her.
it was all hushed up of course.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2011)

i think tomorrow i may limp backwards, pmil for a change of pace.


----------



## Speicher (8 Nov 2011)

I have a cousin twice removed, whose great great grandfather was Kaiser Wilhelm's half brother, could we be related? 

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?


----------



## byegad (8 Nov 2011)

Wir fahren gegen Engelland!

#German, German overalls.#

Achtung Schpitfeuer!!

Wo sind die Luftwaffe?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2011)

gosh bable fish is fantastic, it is a wonder it dose not course world war three.


it may be that this is the case, can you carry sixteen steins of white beer and have two pats coiled to your head and stapled in place with three ins nails? 
to German

es sein, dass dieses der Fall sei, können können Sie sechzehn Steins weißes Bier tragen und haben zwei Klapse zu Ihrem Kopf und an der richtigen Stelle mit drei ins-Nägeln geheftet umwickelt? 

and back to English
its that this is the case, to be able you can sixteen stone white beer carry and have two flips to your head and attached at the correct place with three in nails tape? 

and again
sein dieses dieses ist der Fall, kann in der Lage zu sein Sie weißes Steinbier sechzehn zwei leichte Schläge zu Ihrem Kopf und am korrekten Platz mit drei im Nagelklebeband angebracht tragen und haben? 

its this is the case, can able be you white stone beer of sixteen two light impacts to your head and at the correct place with three in the nail tape attached to carry and have?


----------



## byegad (9 Nov 2011)

Again insults! 

I can chat in French get by in German and get into conversational trouble in Dutch, as well as survive in Geordie and speak the Queens English. This as well as my Native tongue of North Yorksish. 

Writing any of these is more difficult. I could never spell in English as a kid , and still can't spell in foreign languages.


----------



## Speicher (9 Nov 2011)

I can spoke English quit wheel.

Ich spreche Deutsch ganz gut. My father was born in Germany, his mother is German, and her father was Russian.

Je parle Français, et un peu d'Espagnol. Aussi je parle le double Dutch.

In Italian, I can ask for a cheese roll please, a coffee and a bottle of water thankyou.


----------



## Red Light (9 Nov 2011)

Speicher said:


> I can spoke English quit wheel.
> 
> Ich spreche Deutsch ganz gut. My father was born in Germany, his mother is German, and her father was Russian.
> 
> ...



As well as my native English I can speak American, Canadian and Australian


----------



## byegad (9 Nov 2011)

And we didn't need Babel Fish to understand anyone except the Americans, who ride on the pavement and use fenders in the rain and get tired when they have at refer to the black bit that fits on the wheel!

And write the date the wrong way round.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> And we didn't need Babel Fish to understand anyone except the Americans, who ride on the pavement and use fenders in the rain and get tired when they have at refer to the black bit that fits on the wheel!
> 
> And write the date the wrong way round.



er as i promised you last time we sat and had a pint i will now point out you have slipped once again in to comugenly old git mode re the colonials, bless they cant help it.
stop it at one it is habit forming, you will be writing to the times about apostrophes next.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Nov 2011)

good ride again today three drive by honkings and one "mumble mumble mumble" from a moving car, i should have a sign on the back saying "shouting abuse dose not work unless you annunciate and pass slowly enough so i can make out what you are saying"

i dressed in my semi cold weather gear tonight two thin pairs of leggings wool top and wind proof jacket, but for some reason forgot the padded shorts and just put the unpadded ones on, this would have been ok on the ice-q but i was on the cat.
most of me was nice and toasty, one area got a bit chilly in the end i took my buff off and stuffed it some where it did more good.


----------



## byegad (10 Nov 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> er as i promised you last time we sat and had a pint i will now point out you have slipped once again in to comugenly old git mode re the colonials, bless they cant help it.
> stop it at one it is habit forming, you will be writing to the times about apostrophes next.



Maybe I have, but you'll get nowhere referring to them as Colonials! Next you'll be telling them to behave or you'll send the Redcoats.

And remind me *never* to borrow your buff.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Nov 2011)

today and tomorrow i will only ride the handbike, i still have not cleaned the chain on the hand bike.

lard will not work like that tyre sealant green gunk stuff, i feel this is a important to pass on.


----------



## n-ick (11 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
tha' are an inspiration to all us sluggards and backsliders.
Due to sheer idleness I have not been anywhere for at least 6 weeks, excluding the toilet. 
I am thinking of bringing it indoors for winter.

I am following your exploits on a large scale map, you are the small terrier from Monopoly.
Continue your efforts.

Spud is working on a glue on tracking collar for you. If you leave Yorkshire a small charge will be set off. 

Once again we will supply earplugs, in case loud explosions frighten you.


----------



## byegad (11 Nov 2011)

Well I've had the Tirpitz* out for a couple of rides this week. It's now officially my winter trike. Sadly we've had fog most mornings and so I've also gone for a brisk walk a couple of times instead of riding. 

I've meanwhile come up with an excellent idea to keep Cosmo near to home. We give him an electric booster motor. Correctly wired up we can also automatically electrify the seat if he gets beyond a certain distance from home. 

So do we give him a 100, 200 or 300 foot extension cable? I suggest we set the proximity curcuit to power up the seat at 5 feet. 


*Big Grey and German! Guess which one that is!


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> Well I've had the Tirpitz* out for a couple of rides this week. It's now officially my winter trike. Sadly we've had fog most mornings and so I've also gone for a brisk walk a couple of times instead of riding.
> 
> I've meanwhile come up with an excellent idea to keep Cosmo near to home. We give him an electric booster motor. Correctly wired up we can also automatically electrify the seat if he gets beyond a certain distance from home.
> 
> ...



that is not a trike its a human powered mobile home.


today i had a bit of a problem with the gnipmil maneuver "this involves limping backwards while opening a door" in to reception with full mug of herbal tea and ended up wedged in the door hole for a bit, it was a nice chaing of pace and entertaining.


----------



## byegad (11 Nov 2011)

You are referring to that Queen of the road , gentleman's conveyance and generally imposing ride, my Kettwiesel. OK its got a few storage options fitted, but not as many as my QNT. I've recently added lightness to the Tirpitz so in its day ride format the South* wings and North# wing are no longer needed. 

* Panniers on the Lo-rider.
# Saddlebag behind the seat.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Nov 2011)

of course one would never leave the billiard table behind! did you solve the problem of the dynamo lacking the power for the microwave oven?


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2011)

That's in the late November upgrade, the Mister Fusion unit is due to arrive by Delorean from 2089 any day soon. 

Meanwhile I must off to the stables to beat a servant! Damn cheek, he asked for two things:-

1. A pay rise! I told him what was good for his great Grandfather is good enough for him!

2. A day off work. I pointed out he gets all of Xmas day off and half a day off at New Year. He insisted so I've had him hanging by his thumbs in the stable since this time tomorrow. (That's the Delorean effect! There's no need for me to lose a day of his work if I can use a time machine.) Now I'm off to thrash him and send him back to work.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Nov 2011)

after a invigorating 40mile ride i though i would experience some thing commoners do and call in the chip shop.
while perusing there wears i was engaged in conversation with a chap of the lower classes "gosh sir *tugingforlock* that there thing your riding int half smashing" i gave him the standerd recumbent rider replyes to the standerd recumbent questions (i am thinking of getting cards made up to hand out), until the inevitable "how far you come on it then?", "not far today my good man only 40miles" *he pondered this a bit looked hard at his boots, looked back at me and said "you must be balmy", it was at this point i told him how many miles i do a week, he looked confused then said "why?".

i am beginning to think some people may not like exorcise! it is just a theory and i might be wrong but i have started to notice little things like did you know you can go to things called drive through! you don't have to get off you bum and walk all the way in to the processed meat by-product dispensing establishment!
this is astonishing why did no one tell me? why are you lot not telling me about this kind of thing, am i to be kept in the dark about these things?


----------



## Speicher (12 Nov 2011)

You cannot cycle through a drive thru, all edgedly.  I do not know where my nearest drive through is, even the car wash is a go round in circles thingy. 

The most best chips round 'ere are from the Chinese take away. 

Which reminds me - it is nearly the time of year for the investigation of the quality of mice non-home made mince pies. 
Please assist with this most compexious of tasks by listing your preferred parameters of ecksellent pies.

Size
Crumblyness or flakeyness of pastry
Availability locally


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Nov 2011)

as a accredited member of the guild of bakers, i would say a butter short crust with home made mince, made by steeping the dried fruit in booze brown sugar and spices, served heated then a blob of brandy butter on top is hard to top.
most of the off the shelf ones are too sweat for me.


----------



## Speicher (12 Nov 2011)

I only include ones from the local bakers* or delicatessen, or cake shops. That gives five different ones.

Price is a factor, so the delicat essen usually gets ruled out. It is always difficult to know how many to buy for an accurate assessment of ecksellentness. 

I like mine with whipped cream or single cream, on warm pies. 

* This might be a clue to their quality, as the lady in the baker's shop takes them off the shelf, not me.


----------



## byegad (13 Nov 2011)

Baking the mince pies, Xmas cake and Xmas pudding is under way in Byegad Towers. The cook has been looking flustered for a week or two and the Scullery Maid is looking even more careworn and lacklustre than usual. Meanwhile the Ground staff under the Head Gardener are busy looking for Holly with berries, Mistletoe and of course looking over the Fir Wood for a decent 30 footer for the main hall, not to mention several smaller trees for the Estate workers and the Servants' Parlour*. The Gamekeeper says he has his eye on a couple of Stags that are getting too old for the Rut and of course Home Farm has some Cattle, pigs and sheep lined up for the Great Day itself. 

*Much against my inclinations Lady Byegad insists we give then a tree!

Off to the attics to chase the Chamber Maids. Problem is I'm getting old and slow and the last time I managed to catch one I'd forgotten what to do!


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Nov 2011)

the natives are getting restless here abouts, the build up to there pagan rights is always fraught they seem to slowly whip them selves in to a frenzy.
they go to temples of "consumerism with offerings of credit cards" ritualistic lights and hoarding of comestibles is increasing steadily, when the ritual tinsel head bands appear with roving gangs of the poor soles it is time for the missionary staff to tread carefully, as aggression slowly increases with the intoxicants imbibed; despite massive progress in civilising them through positive reinforcement methods of training and slowly introducing modern advanced technology, there has been a distinct failure to wean them off the mid winter pagan rights.


----------



## n-ick (13 Nov 2011)

Yo Coschrismio,
thwarted again.
In order to celebrate pagan festivity, Spud has welded and glued together 
all the inventions that could aid *RECOVERY* and
restore bits of you to near human condition.

Mounted on 6 wheels , this marvel of creativity is
festively wrapped and waiting collection by 
crane and lorry to your solar enabled pit.

Back to the drawing board, we are thinking of a creation which will catapult you , 
not only into the Olympic Stadium, but also some 20 yards ahead 
of the runners in the 100 metre dash.

A medal and traction await, beware sir, 
the television eyes of the world will be waiting.


----------



## Speicher (13 Nov 2011)

I employ strict avoid dance tactics vis a vis the craziness that may affect consumerists.

I will be burdening the snail mail merchants with about ten cards. The others are delivered by foot. Two pressiements have already been bought, leaving two more to be purchased. Probably items that look new, but are available at local Charitable emporiums. My Mother will be happy with a small box of chocolatey items, a small packet of Very Nice Biskits, and a bottle of Shmerryment. 

As afore-mentionned, quantities of mince pyes will be consumed, preferably after November ending, but that is not guaranteed. Well  it is guaranteed that November will end, but not that consuming pyes will be delayed until then.

My cats are very clever, btw. They know what I would like to receive, and unbeknownst to me, they will save up their paw money, and venture into emporiums to procure said items. I will thus be able to feign surprise.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Nov 2011)

how do cats and dogs know it is the winter festivity as far as my dogs are concernd every day is there birthday and xmas ! get up when they want do what they want and always as much quality snap as they want.


----------



## Speicher (13 Nov 2011)

My cats know it is a winter festival because I remind them to put a note in their diaries.


----------



## byegad (13 Nov 2011)

Well that gives us paws for thought. 

Fur enough, I'll leave now...


----------



## Speicher (13 Nov 2011)

All cats know about Santa Claws. 



Wait for me, Bye gad.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

it is about time i put a stop to this silliness.


and get on to the serous problem of winter proofing my trikeeny, i think the addition of a string vest and a marigold glove worn as a swim cap substitute should suffice!


how am i kidding let the good times roll 


no one shouted at me on the ride today well no negative comments from cars, i had lots of wow!, look at that!, god that's sick ect.
i did my 30mile loop and it felt gooooooooood at 13c it was very comfortable temperature for a hard ride.
the cat was flying and the drive train is getting nice and quiet, so i must have done well over a 1000 miles on it now.

the seat is now conforming to my athletic manly shape nicely, nothing has dropped off it; with the frame being stiff and only 32lbs with lights ect a fantastic speed trike, the steering is super light compared to the very forgiving steering on the ice q and the ride is a tiny bit better on the ice, having 28mm tyres on both trikes at 100psi i can do a very good comparison between the two.
it dose what it was designed for it goes fast, steers like a go cart and gets the my seal of approval and 


a cat allows you to take care of its daily needs the menial things beneath its notice.
a dog dose as it is told unless it is out of its tiny mind on ball fixation.
a owl just looks totally astonished all the time, they have that look a bit like a year old baby human the way they just watch you taking it all in, then they regurgitate some thing in your general direction.

can speicher abstain from mince pies until December or will she cave in? will byegads staff rebel against his hard methods? can we get spud unglued from the lavy seat? has n-ick finished his masters degree in novelty balloon manipulation? will the supply of lard hold out?
all the answers and much more in the next episode of "you know what's really chafing my gusset" the truth about cycling and every thing brought to you in association with *chub rub when lard just cant cut it*, _chub rub soothes and protects, warning to be use externally and not to be used for any purposes you would normally use lard for_.


----------



## Speicher (14 Nov 2011)

It is very interesting to read that nothing has dropped of your manly shape, and that you have a stiff frame.

I am however, puzzled. You have been flying a cat for over one thousand miles, does the Aviation Authority know about this? 

Furthermore, how are you managing to drive a train and fly a cat at the same time simultaneously. Persons of the male persuasion are rarely able to do two things at once. Does this further prove your GBGliness?


----------



## byegad (14 Nov 2011)

I'd suggest his 1000 miles of flying is more to do with forgetting to zip up than actual flying. His poor brain is definitely on the way out. Last I heard both his brain cells had stopped talking to each other!


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> I'd suggest his 1000 miles of flying is more to do with forgetting to zip up than actual flying. His poor brain is definitely on the way out. Last I heard both his brain cells had stopped talking to each other!



you cant keep a good man down even with a pile of big stones!


----------



## byegad (14 Nov 2011)

Next time we use the silver bullet and wooden stake!

Meanwhile a delegation of Estate workers have come to see me. The burning torches and pitch forks suggest they are going to ask to work in the fields all night. Bless!


----------



## byegad (14 Nov 2011)

Cheeky lot! They wanted to burn the house down. 

We pulled up the drawbridge and called out the Militia, meanwhile a few pounds of rock salt in the blunderbuss got them thinking!


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

and nothing sucks seed like a toothless budgie


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

Field & Stream! 

Newsletter
"Using lard on new black powder barrels will burn in and create a non stick coating inside the barrel. Lard is what was used before bore butter and sports stores. Lard treats the barrel just as lard treats a cast iron skillet, creating a non stick coating. I've done this to all my muzzeloaders and they all have the smooth barrel they came with when I bought them 10-20 years ago. Bore butter works great, so does lard, it's cheap and you get so much more for your money and it has no odor."


----------



## n-ick (14 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosimono, 
is there end to your skill and encyclic knowledge of all things?
Spud was looking for something to lubricate the barrel of his human firing canon.
Now we have the answer.

Naturally we have you down as the first volunteer.A quick rub down will ensure that you leave the barrel faster than you entered it. Included at no extra costs will be the use Spud's patent ramrod,parachute and drain purger.

Under our usual conditions earplugs will be issued, as we don't want to enjoy your 
screams of delight.

Is there any particular orbit you'd like,
we thought of aiming you at planet *RECOVERY ?*


----------



## byegad (14 Nov 2011)

Well the Militia turned out and rounded up the ring leaders and we have them swinging nicely from the battlements of the West wing. 

The rest of the peasantry are working on long acre field turning it over nicely.  Apart from a rent rise for the whole lot of them and a couple of firkins of ale for the troops all is well and I'm in pocket. Of course I've cancelled Xmas for the peasants. 

Off to the billiard room for a few games with the Under house Parlour maid.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> Off to the billiard room for a few games with the Under house Parlour maid.



with you knees! you will need roller skates to keep up!

as regards the peasantry, say you have reconsidered xmas is back on if they do overtime up to the 24th to make up for it; then cancel it again on your way back from midnight mass, just say because of the current economic climate and the massive pensions being paid to the public sector you cant help it.
it works for my boss.

i am afraid i can not accept your kind offer to have a go in the human cannonball thingy as i am booked in for a very important eye test, my netcurtans need putting back up and i am sane.


*Lard as Lube?*
« H E » Amber's Entries :: Beaver Pond Better Business Bureau :: Amber LeMay :: email posted Thursday, 14 May 2009




Hank over at the Beaver Pond Pork By-Products Processing Plant (BPPBPP) is kicking himself. For years he's known that the lard he sells has been used by some for purposes other than cooking. Let's just say that some use it for household situations where things aren't sliding as well as they should, or there are squeaks and creaks that need tended to. And others have found that their love of pork products can be combined with the love of their partner, again tending to things that maybe need some assistance in sliding - if you know what I mean*.




Well, someone has taken that love of pork-loving people and has marketed it... it's called BaconLube. What started out as as an April Fool's joke/promotion has turned into a legitimate product to be on the market soon. J&D's Bacon Salt ("Everything should taste like bacon"), whom also produced the Jon Stewart/Daily Show spoofed Baconnaise, says it should be on the market soon. 





If you have any pork-related ideas, please send them to Hank. 

gosh i am so glad i am forsworn pork! or this add would pop in my head every time i bit in to a bacon sandwich.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Nov 2011)

i did the 30mile loop today, it did not seem to get full day light all day, all the drivers behaved them selves , while sat at a red light a car recovery driver pulled along side, "my god you cant half make that thing shift!*" he said "i cheat, i replied i practice". 
*he had been behind me as i hit the top of a 40mph decent, if i can hit the roundabout just right at the bottom i can carry a lot of momentum for the next mile over a small hill, i just dropped on to the back end of a van after the roundabout and drafted him until i got to the lights .

having inspected my front tyres today; when powering through some of my fast turns out rigging i can still get a slight lift on the inside wheel coursing scrubbing on the outside tyre, you can see the marks running diagonally across the tyre . 
do i take it easy? or carry on and stock up on tyres? or contact one of the tyre manufactures and offer my services as a real world tester?


----------



## byegad (15 Nov 2011)

Quote from Cosmo.
'As regards the peasantry, say you have reconsidered xmas is back on if they do overtime up to the 24th to make up for it; then cancel it again on your way back from midnight mass, just say because of the current economic climate and the massive pensions being paid to the public sector you cant help it.
it works for my boss.'


That would cause a revolution and only an idiot would do that to his domain... Like the government are doing at the moment... Ah! 

Are you going to tell Dave, or shall I????


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Nov 2011)

i have been fine tuning again and the bearings have loosened up nicely, on one of the reasonably flat parts of my ride the wind was blowing directly head on, i pasted two roadys like they stood still  they where really struggling 

all i need now is a velomobile body to put on it, i will paint it red as the "lady's love a red sports vehicle driven by a SBGG" i will have to use a two seater kids trailer for aforementioned lady to ride in with a hot water bottle for her comfort.
of course if i hitched another trike to the back an asked the lazy cow to peddle we might get some performance out of the rig.

Mr byegad as a GMB rep i must inform you a section 43b is in the post "declaration of union recognition" as 43% of your minions have joined up, i am willing to open first stage negotiations on terms and conditions of you peasantry.
also a a class one grievance on three counts of sexual harassment.


the day of the xray and 2minit 33second chat with the sawbones is rapidly approaching, will i have to have em out or not will he recommend intensive therapy on a Caribbean island?



lard sight of the day is http://www.lardcar.com/


----------



## Speicher (15 Nov 2011)

If you are sent to a Caribbean Island, I think you will need my assistance as your assistant.

I am good at relaxing on a beach while you cycle up and down the promenade. After preparing a light lunch for you, I could read by the pool while you have a not stand up. Upon your return from a gentle pootle up the nearest mountain, I would ensure you knew which restaurant would most best fit your preferences. I am most excellent at conversation at dinner.

It is to be further noted that I do not take nineteen pairs of shoes with me on holiday. Nor do I spend three hours in front of a mirror while you risk malnutrition and hunger pangs.

If you really wanted to, I expect Byegad could accompany us.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Nov 2011)

i dont think he would come the sun shine would not agree with him and he has civil unrest to deal with at home 
cant imagine how all that started.

you forgot sunbeds baggsying the towel wars, food tester "in my delicate state i could not cope with _Delhi Belly_"


----------



## Speicher (15 Nov 2011)

I have puzzlement as to how you would get Delhi Belly from carry bean food.


----------



## byegad (16 Nov 2011)

Quote from Cosmo.
"Mr byegad as a GMB rep i must inform you a section 43b is in the post "declaration of union recognition" as 43% of your minions have joined up, i am willing to open first stage negotiations on terms and conditions of you peasantry.
also a a class one grievance on three counts of sexual harassment."

Come round here with your Communist ideas and I'll set the dogs on you, burn your chariot and throw the remains in the Oubliette. There will be plenty of company for you as Grandfather threw people down there on a regular basis. Don't worry you'll be fed, we throw a mouldy loaf down there every quarter day!

Meanwhile peace is re-established and the peasantry are turning out this morning for our local hunt. Since the Communists under Blair banned fox hunting we have reverted to hunting a lucky peasant. It's expensive having to give the peasant a Half Sovereign if he lives and his widow and children a Groat each if he gets caught, but the rest of the Gentry chip in. The Wolf Hounds love it too. The last hunt was fun as the peasant tried to climb a tree to escape, o we had a shoot instead!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Nov 2011)

Last night on my ride I noticed a humming noise; eventually the noise was isolated to the left wheel.

On closer inspection the brake calliper was loose the noise was a pad just brushing the disc, tightening this up made a bit of difference to performance.

On the flat and down slight gradients I think the car drivers have no idea how fast I am going, quite often now I have cars pulling up along side and realising they are not going to pass me before hitting a oncoming car, pedestrian island, roundabout ect; well I am willing to believe this and are just not belligerent.

I have been suffering a bit of tyre slip at the rear on some of the hills coved in leaf mulch, so a extensive program of deforestation is in the planning stage, of winter tyres with a tiny bit of tread, if I cant get a eu grant to chop the trees down. 



I have worked up quite a snappy presentation on how a trip to the Caribbean would hasten my recovery with lots of bar charts and pie graphs.


----------



## Speicher (16 Nov 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> I have worked up quite a snappy presentation on how a trip to the Caribbean would hasten my recovery with lots of bar charts and pie graphs.





I look forward to this presentation. Do you know how to make best use of the Menus on PowerPoint? Do not make the mistake of thinking that this is a piece of cake! 

It is probably a bit late for you to start, but can I suggest a sandwich course on the subject of Presentation? Then you would really take the biscuit.


----------



## byegad (17 Nov 2011)

A bar, pie, sandwich and biscuit?

Careful young Cosmo you will end up climbing hills as slowly as me if you eat all that! 

As regards your recuperative holiday I can recommend a free cottage in the country. No charges at all and even a small stipend for using it. Of course you will be expected to do a little light work on the garden, re-point the chimney and clear a small forest of scrub in exchange for free food, as much as you can gather or kill, except the Deer which are reserved for Her Majesty to hunt when she comes to stay at the big house. One has unexpectedly* come vacant on the Estate following the hunt. I'll even throw in a free housekeeper as his widow will need to earn a crust, I leave her wages to your discretion! 


*I always thought Smithers could run faster than that! I was wrong.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Nov 2011)

lard page of the day

*
*

*How to Make Your Own Lard*
By Zarela Martinez 

Published December 10, 2010

| Fox News Latino






 Praise the lard! You heard right. Lard is not the villain it’s been made out to be. But there is a catch: It has to be home-rendered. Commercial lard is what has given this flavorful fat its bad name. In order to make the product solid, the molecules have to be filled or saturated—and that is the type of fat we need to avoid for health reasons. Home-rendered lard is 2/3 unsaturated and contains oleic acid, the same ingredient that in olive oil helps break down cholesterol.

Lard was the most popular fat until the 1950s, when scientists discovered that animal fats could lead to heart disease. But they did not know the whole story. The products that replaced lard in the kitchen—like margarines and vegetable shortenings—would have problems of their own, namely artery-clogging trans fats and hydrogenated fats.

Today, lard has made a come-back. Professional chefs like Mario Batali even put it on the table or on his menus as lardo and it is again very trendy.

Best of all, it is very easy to make: Buy unsalted pork fat from your butcher and put in the freezer for a few minutes to harden. Place in a heavy Dutch oven or deep frying pan and either cook it in the oven at 300 until nicely melted or do it on top of the stove where you can watch it.


Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2010/12/10/make-lard/#ixzz1dzENj7wd


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Nov 2011)

i am going on strike! i will be on the picket line on the 30th being menacing and obnoxious, to the staff how will be going in to the office.


----------



## byegad (18 Nov 2011)

How will we tell??


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Nov 2011)

i will be wearing a smiley face badge for the irony.


----------



## byegad (19 Nov 2011)

I didn't know you can get iron badges!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Nov 2011)

because of the cut backs the badge will be made of recycled underpants gussets.
Tallow is the internal fat (suet) surrounding the kidneys and intestines of sheep, goats, deer and oxen that is rendered down at a very low heat, just enough to cause the grease to melt away from the connective tissues. While liquid it is filtered then allowed to cool when it is fit for use.

Lard is the rendered belly fat from pigs [_Sus domestica_] and is soluble in benzene, chloroform, ether, slightly in alcohol and insoluble in water, with a specific gravity of 0.917 at 77° (F), a dielectric constant of 2.1 at 176° (F) and melts at 97 to 107° (F).


----------



## Scoosh (19 Nov 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> because of the cut backs the badge will be made of recycled underpants gussets.
> Tallow is the internal fat (suet) surrounding the kidneys and intestines of sheep, goats, deer and oxen that is rendered down at a very low heat, just enough to cause the grease to melt away from the connective tissues. While liquid it is filtered then allowed to cool when it is fit for use.
> 
> Lard is the rendered belly fat from pigs [_Sus domestica_] and is soluble in benzene, chloroform, ether, slightly in alcohol and insoluble in water, with a specific gravity of 0.917 at 77° (F), a dielectric constant of 2.1 at 176° (F) and melts at 97 to 107° (F).















W-a-a-a-y too much information !


----------



## n-ick (22 Nov 2011)

Holy forumbo makeover Cosmo!
I was away for a week and came back to find all change. Is this your doing sir?
Has your filthy lard trickled through the internet. I keep getting pics of scantily attired Rhinemaidens on bicycles. This must be your doing, desist sir.
There is talk of the Empir disease returning to the mid North.
Check your palms for hair and ensure that you constantly have temperence and fluffy kittens foremost in your thoughts.


----------



## byegad (22 Nov 2011)

The main issue with the new layout is that the promised lard filter is obviously not working! Meanwhile our bright shiny new forum awaits with baited breath, we had some mouldy mousetrap in the fridge so we used that, news of the recovery!


----------



## byegad (22 Nov 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> the only alternative is to hit the bear i am a cheep drunk two pint and i will be zonked.


The RSPCA will be after you for striking a Bear. If it's a drop bear you get a small bonus of a short drop while wearing a hempen neck tie.


AND I claim the prize for the 1000th load of rubbish contributed to the scrap heap of this thread!


----------



## n-ick (22 Nov 2011)

Yo Einstein,
raise your 100 and it's 1001 now, good for carpet cleaning.
I hear Fuhrer Cameron is keen on *RECOVERY*.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Nov 2011)

the award ceremony for bygads investiture in to the hall of sanity will be held next week as a slight glitch in the space time continuum last week has coursed a back up in curse and effect this will be rectified when the univers reboots.

while the IT elf was bunging lists of things in the photocopier, kicking a servant* and composting old content.
*which sounds quite bad but is very good for it apparently

at the weekend i was followed by a full car of people for some miles they eventuality pulled along side and asked what i was riding, where to get one ect.
i have noticed that the front tyres have several patches where they get scrub going through corners, all the ergonomics are set up now getting the left shoe built up to the correct hight, was the hardest thing.


*Dry Skin Care With Lard?*


12/18/2006
Lately I’ve seen a number of articles that recommend lard for dry skin; everything from stories of grandmothers with their hands soaking in bowls of fat to modern women smearing lard on their face. Even dermatologists sometimes recommend it for skin problems such as eczema. Many women have found it offensive to smear animal fat on themselves and have chosen vegetable shortenings instead. I thought I would do a little investigation to see if there really was a place for lard and vegetable shortening in the dry skin care larder.
Lard is a saturated fat rendered from pigs. In days gone by, it was a dietary staple in many countries. People in rural areas slathered it on bread like we do peanut butter and during the hard times of World War II it was a substitute for butter. Lard (is) also widely used as a cooking oil and was a common ingredient in many dishes – including mince meat pie. However, in the late 20th century scientists proclaimed that saturated fat was dangerous for the cardiovascular system. Lard fell out of use and was replaced by hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated vegetable oils – vegetables shortenings – and unsaturated and polyunsaturated fats and other substances that we now know to contain trans fats. The tides have since completely turned and there is now so much evidence on the dangers of trans fat that a law was just passed in New York banning the use of trans fats in restaurants.
So, how does all this relate to dry skin care? As smearing pig fat on one’s face is somewhat unsavory, vegetables shortenings and other hydrogenated oils became the substitute for those who wished to use a product similar to lard for dry skin care. In fact, hydrogenated oils became, and still are, a common ingredient in cleansing and cold creams. However, hydrogenated oils cause free radicals damage – which we now know to be one of the primary causes of dry skin, wrinkles and aging; exactly what we’re trying to prevent by using dry skin care products. So, in truth, we were better off with the lard – although I realized that knowing that doesn’t make the idea of smearing pig fat on your face any more palatable.

there was a bit of a swaray at planet x this weekend i popped in to get some over shoes and giggle at some of the things they torch-er them selves with.


----------



## Speicher (22 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> The RSPCA will be after you for striking a Bear. If it's a drop bear you get a small bonus of a short drop while wearing a hempen neck tie.
> 
> 
> AND I claim the prize for the 100th load of rubbish contributed to the scrap heap of this thread!


 
Or the 1000th postth?


----------



## Speicher (22 Nov 2011)

Any road up! Please do not criticise, however, slightlymost, one of my favoritest Progs: Scrapheap Challenge!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Nov 2011)

i do enjoy scrapheap challenge, i would like to see them do another hpv / electric hybrid challenge; the teem with the rowing bike had some clever idea's.


----------



## byegad (22 Nov 2011)

Edited for correct number of 0s. I plead the headaches, I was in the process of starting a migraine when I posted the *1000th* post earlier today. and couldn't see properly!


----------



## Speicher (22 Nov 2011)

Not often to be seen in this thread 

 I cannot find the hug smiley.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Nov 2011)

some one, showing some one, a bit of care and empathy!
i was just thinking how things might get shook up a bit what with the move and 1000+ bouts of free flow thinking but never in my wildest fantasy's* did it even occur to me that this would come to pass.
*not even the one induced by eating the camel cheese just before bed! and believe me that was a tad weird suffice to say seeing a tin of pilchards, a tennis racket and nail-gun in the same vicinity bring me out in a cold sweat even to this day.

migraine might be the first symptom of a deep psychosis! have you developed a deep mist trust of paper clips** or brown envelopes.
** those things are just wrong pepole insist in piling them up  or putting them in a old mug! they get all fastened together and clumped up , i can feel them mocking me when there like that , they should be put along the edge of folders in size order with the smallest of the loops facing the back.

perhaps it may help if you unload your self, release the tension; so tell us all about your first experience of trike peloton riding? of course this will all be confidential


----------



## byegad (23 Nov 2011)

Nah! I used to get the headaches regularly ( several times a week!)and now once or twice a year as a sort of nostalgia thing. Yesterday was the first this year.

I blame it on withdrawal of CC while the update went through and finding when it came back that we'd hit 1000 posts of pure drivel.

*Without hearing of a recovery!*


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Nov 2011)

Lard! Lard! Lard! You can see it, in the clouds up in the sky. Lard! Floats by in clusters in our water supply. Lard! It's in all of us, man. Our pores, and in our hair. Lard! What we conceal in those corny clothes we wear. Lard is all. Lard is in control. Lard is divine. We carry credit cards. Lard whips and chains our soul. We live in fear of art. Lard is the Om. Lard is revolution. in the bottle of cheap tequila. Lard is the tapeworm, That comes alive at night, And sneaks up and bite our nipples. Lard. Lard! Nowadays, most of us need someone to run our personal life. Someone to see that the plant are watered. Someone to make sure the place is clean. Someone to make sure dinner is waiting. Some one to make up those cheap excuses. Someone to call for theater tickets. What we need is Lard! Lard! The answer. The ointment. The dancer. The dream. Absorb it. Inflame it. Respect it. Molest it. Lard! Lard! The country, right now, it wants to be soothed. And told it doesn't have to pay, or sacrifice, or learn. No one is over the hill, when the mountain comes to Mohammed. Lard! Lard! Lard! We love to pray. We love to eat. Mold over mind. Hooray! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! Every time I take a crap, it's a cosmic experience. Religion, and chemicals are the keys to the future. Next time that we have sex, just pretend that I'm Ed Meese. The weasels have it down, man. It's a whole new age. Lard! Which would you prefer? A computer, or a gun? The sharks outlived the dinosaurs, you know. (Feel)The Power of Lard! (Feel)The Power of Lard! (Feel)The Power of Lard! (Feel)The Power of Lard! Poison Oak really is the aphrodisiac of the gods. Pity the poor trainer in the stable when the racehorse farts. When people are asleep, we must all become alarm clocks. Hey, man. Life is my college. EeeeeYOOOowwwwww!! (instrumental break) It's dental floss of the mind. Who will baby sit the baby sitters? Ever hear about the guy in New York, who's dick fell of in the bath after he shot it full of coke? It's okay to run out of butter in Zambia. Just smear squashed caterpillars on your toast. Waiter, there's a terrorist in my soup. Which came first? Max Headroom, or Gerald Ford? Are you a man or are you a mouse? If you love your fun, DIE FOR IT! Die for Lard! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! (continues in background) Who's gonna baby sit the baby sitters?(4x) The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! Avoid Everything(4x) ..Everything(8x) The Power of Lard! The Power of Lard! (continues in background) LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! LARD! [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-power-of-lard-lyrics-lard.html ]
​Read more: LARD - THE POWER OF LARD LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-power-of-lard-lyrics-lard.html#ixzz1eYARCqmd ​Copied from MetroLyrics.com​


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Nov 2011)

to listen to a bit of the record http://www.emusic.com/listen/#/album/-/-/10655970/

today the gentiles in health and safety put up the fire trap! a pre fire retardant plastic tree with lights held together with sticky tape balanced on the desk, with some files replacing one broken leg at the side of the fire door.
any distension to having this tatty health hazard in the office was greeted with cries of Ebeneza, humbug, misery and "its only one a year"
while standing on a swivle chair the head of department* got a bit cross when some one started taking photo's of him, apparently he has a ongoing enforcement case against a company how did not stop there order pickers just climbing about on the warehouse shelving!
*how has had a humour transplant, unfortunately the anti rejection medication did not work and it was a failure.

how is going to sponsor me on a velomobile ride to Moscow and back all i need is a carbon quest £4000 expenses money. 
think of all the advertising plus the dvd sales.


----------



## byegad (23 Nov 2011)

Happily sponsor you £5 per mile to go there, payable when you do! AND -£10 per yard if you come back!


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Nov 2011)

what happened to the happy clappy love in ?
ho well it was getting on my nerves any way.

there was another assassination attempt tonight, a slow motion t-bone! however the hit man was, he had the reactions of a sloth.
but knowing the tight, frugal, fiscally competent cheep persons how put out the contract; you get what you pay for.

when did it become acceptable for people to shout obscenitys from a car? "get off the f*£$%g road" being the most common, usually on a clear wide road when you are not in any way holding them up! they even slow down and pull along side to do it!
a lot of times it really cheers me up and puts a spring in my peddling, that me just riding along doing nothing really winds them up but some times i get a bit hacked off about it .


----------



## n-ick (24 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosineeza,
welcome to the real world. Now that you taken the Red Pill, you will be aware of the zomboid moronic state of other road users. Jealosy is the strongest human emotion. If you're cycling along in fine sunny weather in the mankini, then drivers in cans will immediately be jealous of you inhaling their exhaust fumes and risking skin cancer.
The thing that really winds them up is ,if you don't respond.No waving,no flashing and no shouting, just count to ten, if you can, and smile rictus like.

Now we're all loved up,when are you going to get off your desk and progress with
*RECOVERY.*?


----------



## byegad (24 Nov 2011)

I still think a manic grin and over enthusiastic waving is the perfect response to this sort of thing. If ever one stops and asks what I'm doing I'll say something like.
'Oh, you're not John! When you shouted/parped/waved two fingers at me I thought you were my mate John, he has a car just like yours. What did you want?' Then sit with a silly grin on my face.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Nov 2011)

still no response to my concerns about the frog fungus!
the hand bike is defiantly working my upper body but it is flipping hard work, i can recommend one if you need to get you hart going.
i have been lusting after a velomobile again, there are some good designs out there for shells to put on to trikes, but around here i would need a assist for the hills.
when i win the lottery i will move some where flat / rolling and have a fleet of velomobiles to play with.

we are lacking a fairy for the tree at work, has spud got any plans in December it could be a good gig for him.
have we any word on the franken trike has the bust hub been replaced?


----------



## byegad (25 Nov 2011)

The frogs are going to end up extinct, along with a load of other creatures.

Sadly SBGGs are likely to out live the rest of others, as 'only the good die young'. If only we could delete an o in that statement.


----------



## Speicher (25 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> The frogs are going to end up extinct, along with a toad of other creatures.
> 
> Sadly SBGGs are likely to out live the rest of others, as 'only the good die young'. If only we could delete an o in that statement.


----------



## byegad (25 Nov 2011)

Good Newts Speicher's on the ball.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Nov 2011)

i wonder how many people will suffer serous injury this year putting up xmas decorations? every thing from electric shock from faulty lights to broken legs / arms from ladder misuse?
the pre holiday stampede to the shops is in full swing with all the roads clogged with enraged motorists, cutting each-other up and general acting the t^"t  its a good job guns as available as they are in America! 

the colder weather this week has been giving me some problems it would appear i am now a human barometer, i have not done any measurements but it feels like my leg changes length with the temperature.


----------



## Speicher (25 Nov 2011)

I incurred serious injury very early this year, putting away the Crimbley deccos. I have hoperated the ladder mechanism for climbing into the attic many times without incident. The deccos live in the attic for more than eleven mufnths of the year.

 This year on .. erm .. 5th January, there was a collision between the very heavy ladder and my third pinger on my left hand. Sort of whooosssshhh thud oooowwww!  

Thirty minutes later, at the minor injuries unit, it was diagnostified as "Mallet Finger". Long story shortified, x-rays, splints, visits to fracture clinic, physio terrowrists. Pinger is still slighty swollen and will not bend fully.


----------



## Speicher (25 Nov 2011)

The strangely most thing was, that I could still drive with my finger in a splint. But I had difficulty putting on socks, and could not tie shoelaces. Nor could I use a fork in my left hand at mealtimes. Admittedly being girly, tying knots in shoeslaces is not a skill that I find easy at the best of time.


----------



## byegad (25 Nov 2011)

Come of it Speicher old girl. You are a tough cookie to have stuck things out this far. Clobbering yourself with a ladder would qualify you for bragging rights in male company, there again practically anything would!Most chaps would have gone for a long lie down followed by several portions of 10 year old Malt.
The Sun Bronzed Geek God is obviously speechless with admiration for someone who is:-
a) More badly injured than himself. and...
b) Has taken over 1000 posts to mention it, instead of whinging on all of the time! and...
c) Is person of the female persuasion. So showing him up for his girly whining about a slight leg injury repaired with a Junior Carpenters Kit by the local surgeon on the kitchen table with a couple of Japanned Black wood screws and only needing a small leather strap to bite on.


----------



## Speicher (25 Nov 2011)

I am still waiting for finalment of his plans for further recovery in the Byjamas or the CarryBean.

My passport is up-to-date, complete with odd-looking photo. Packing my small suitcase would not take long. My injury is not severe enough to prevent me from fetching Mark drinks, and steak pies.
If we choose a large steak from the me and u in the rest star rant, he might have to cut up the steak for me.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2011)

welcome to the slight infirmity club some one ells has discovered the Haynes plot that is socks, the left one in my expireunc can be very entertaining, like small pox or plague.
*i only keep people informed of my disablement as they keep asking! as you know we hardy yorkshire men would never even mention a minor thing like loosing a arm or leg "hi bill bit of a nasty cut you got there!", "what, this <bill holds up badly mutilated hand> naa just a scratch this".*

it is amazing how many people put chrimbo doecos in the loft still covered with chocolate* , we will be getting a lot of callers next week when the annual trip in to the loft week begins; they get up there and find every thing nibbled by mice. 
tomorrow is forecast to be windy so i will have to see what the morning brings before deciding what to do i may have a extra day of the cat making three days in a row though i did ten miles on the hand bike on two of those days.
*i suspect speicher may consider this sacrilegious.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2011)

i have the presentation all ready and have been rehearsing in the mirror all week, the doctor is of a dark complexion so i will deliver it in a thick Jamaican accent to connect with him, would blacking up enhance this do you think?


----------



## byegad (26 Nov 2011)

You need all the help you can get SBGG and I gather the healthcare in HMP establishments is less than perfect. Give this one a miss young cur. Imagine how you would feel if a softy southerner tried to emulate God's own language in God's own County? You'd bury him to the neck in Ilkley Moor and sing him to death with t't National Anthem.

All stand and wring flat cap in hands!
#Where hast... #


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2011)

i think i will go with the quasimodo costume this will foster sympathy


----------



## byegad (26 Nov 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i think i will go with the quasimodo costume this will foster sympathy


 
Nah. I've never seen you without it on! Try something different like dressing up to look like a human being.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2011)

i have discovered something  done some research  done a bit of thinking and got creative* 


you know when you can feel a pain but it sort of is in a very specific place but not! well the last week i have been getting that; now SOBDS sudden onset bone death syndrome is not one of your glamorous illnesses you don't see a lot of people running the London marathon in aid of research in to SOBDS, so it is not that well understood, but i must admit to being a bit worried right now, with my bone densety the chances of a hip replacement working are slim to nil
i only walked about a bit in one shop today and could hardly make it across the car park, this cant be good.


* don't tell any one ok, this is strictly a need to know, hush hush, careless talk cost lives thing; but i took some of the wipes we use to test for drugs in night clubs** and made a visit, to some toilets that are reserved for cirten people! the wipes went very blue now some one ells is visiting one day next week how should find this very interesting.
**you wipe toilet cisterns ect to see if some one has been chasing the dragon on it, they start to turn blue if there is a trace.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> Nah. I've never seen you without it on! Try something different like dressing up to look like a human being.


it is hard to find clothing to fit me m&s top man ect don't do SBGG there clothing is cut to fit mere mortals, with scrawny legs and lacking a fully developed man chest and arms.
the sleeves are always too short, cuffs tend to stop 2" from my wrist; slim fit denims that fit my rippling thy muscles have 36" waist, i am now a 32 1/2" waist.
the short fat dumpy people get all the best stuff.


----------



## byegad (27 Nov 2011)

As a SFDP myself I can assure you they do not. Trousers that fit your waist come with an extra 2 feet of leg that needs to be hacked off and thrown away.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> As a SFDP myself I can assure you they do not. Trousers that fit your waist come with an extra 2 feet of leg that needs to be hacked off and thrown away.


no no no this is extravagant waist! take some old car inner-tube and glue/sew on to the extra leg bit and you are getting free shoes, they may wear quickly so you could use old car tyre tread in stead good for 30,000 miles.
or i could sew the extra on to my shirt cuffs,  there is a idea for a web-sight there, like the one for people with one foot bigger than the other that have to get two shoe sizes.


----------



## Speicher (27 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> As a SFDP myself I can assure you they do not. Trousers that fit your waist come with an extra 2 feet of leg that needs to be hacked off and thrown away.


 
 Why not keep the hacked off bits to patch the remaining trousers? Or if you bought two pairs of the same trousers, you could make some shorts?


----------



## Speicher (27 Nov 2011)

byegad said:


> As a SFDP myself I can assure you they do not. Trousers that fit your waist come with an extra 2 feet of leg that needs to be hacked off and thrown away.


 
 Why not keep the hacked off bits to patch the remaining trousers? Or if you bought two pairs of the same trousers, you could make some shorts?


----------



## n-ick (27 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmoindustrialaction,
I see that you are not only striking, but marching on Wednesday. Is this a responsible attitude? Beware sir,your legs may give way.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Nov 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmoindustrialaction,
> I see that you are not only striking, but marching on Wednesday. Is this a responsible attitude? Beware sir,your legs may give way.


i will be wheeling as half a mile is way beyond my capability's.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Nov 2011)

the wind dropped at about six today so went out for a quick 30mile about halfe way around the gears started messing about , flipping anoying when they do that, it throws you all out of your rithem.
despite dismounting* and threatening the trike with a sound thrashing  the problems persisted for the rest of the ride.
so tomorrow is tinker time again .
*something i very rarely do .


----------



## byegad (28 Nov 2011)

First guess is a frayed cable inner. Don't let finding and solving this little problem stop you thrashing the trike. QNT are into Sadomasochism thrash it and it will respond!

All queries as to how I found this out will be answered in a plain brown envelope, please send your request on a ten pound note with your name and address to me, care of Byegad Towers.


----------



## n-ick (28 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
on tha' knees and get tha' cable changed. The one you changed for me is still going fine, more than the fitter is.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Nov 2011)

new cable fitted this morning along with a extra link in the chain,  the one i have on now is put together well it was a five profanity word job getting a pin out! and three putting one back in ; next time i will just use a bit of string to hold the chain together.
there are some very odd things some pepole do with there trikes the least pervers of which is liking them the spud should be done for some of the thing he has donei will not relive them here as some people my be having there tea but i still shuder when i think about some of them
all went well on the ride if a bit on the slow side with a chill wind , i believe the q is slower than the cat in windy conditions, the hilly circuit and heavy q would account for a lot of that but the recline on the cat speed will make a difference.
i am glad i did some shake down rides on the q just to keep it ticking over 

gosh the sun kissed island beachess shure look good now


----------



## n-ick (28 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosimino,
again tha' mastery of both mechanicalism and physiology
has left us lesser unwashed in awe.
I understand that NASA are advertising for astronauts.
Will you be volunteering, before we put tha' name down?
Tha' could go far, some might say the further the better.


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2011)

I thought the assembled clan would like this.





The SBGG at ease at Wooler this year. Note the NHS issued immobility device and the Sun Bronzed 'high forehead' If it gets any higher his back will have no hair on it.


----------



## n-ick (29 Nov 2011)

Eeeyup Geoffio,
tha's captured the very essence of blankness.


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2011)

I'm seeing triple. Help!


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Nov 2011)

quick get drunk. it is a well known treatment for trboscpic vision.

photograph of me are rare, the unsigned ones are collectables.
i gave the trike a miss today as the weather was crap, driving rain cold wind and a mild case of laziness.
the first twenty feet of a ride are the hardiest, from my reclining arm chair to the back door.
when i get going on the trike i very quickly get to the correct operating temperature and with judicious use of buff, jackets and glovers can regulate my temperature quite well.
it was a lot colder on a df  i can still feel the cold in my bones when i think about those 3am rides.
​


----------



## n-ick (30 Nov 2011)

Yo Cosmionaut,
tha's the very pinnacle of the evolutionary pyramid and obviously the next dominant
subpecies; Homo recumbentis.

Spud has recently finished a correspondence course in cloning and tissue culture.
We are primed, send
cells, there may be mutations.


----------



## byegad (30 Nov 2011)

I thought that had already happened and that's why we had the SBGG! I was blaming poor spud. I'll still blame him, he deserves it.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Nov 2011)

the SBGG battle bus! as seen around Rotherham and Sheffield.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Nov 2011)

good training having the two flags on with a strong head wind and a good push on the way home.


----------



## byegad (1 Dec 2011)

Everyone stand for a quick corarse sorry chorus of The Red Flag followed by the Internationale.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2011)

the mahna mahna song by the muppets was a favourite on the march.
_Chorus:_
Mahna Mahna
Do doo be-do-do
Mahna Mahna
Do do-do do
Mahna Mahna
Do doo be-do-do be-do-do be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do!
(Improv. by Mahna Mahna)
_Repeat Chorus_
(Improv. by Mahna Mahna)
_Repeat Chorus_
(Improv. by Mahna Mahna)
_Repeat Chorus_
(Improv. by Mahna Mahna)
_Repeat Chorus twice_
_<FX>phone rings<FX>_
_Kermit:_ "Hello?... Just a second... It's for you..."
_Mahna Mahna (from the other end of the phone line):_ Mahna Mahna!
_Wallace:_ "The question is, what _is_ a Mahna Mahna?" 
_Statler:_ "The question is, who cares?
it sort of fits the crap the media and expense robbing £%^%$£& how should never be allow to vote again never mind keep high paid jobs with every thing forgotten mp's​


----------



## byegad (1 Dec 2011)

TAKE THE PILLS!

He's gone again! Never mind the bottom line is he's a not walking advert for the failure of 'Care in the community'.


----------



## byegad (1 Dec 2011)

n-ick said:


> Eeeyup Geoffio,
> tha's captured the very essence of blankness.


T'wasn't me but David from Australia. I think he may have used a telescopic lens and some mirrors to get the shot.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2011)

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DaUd4Uuku0

2 mins in to the video you will see a shot of me!


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2011)

today i went to the hspital, he says my brake is all healed up ; the remaining pain i have is becouse of the short leg and difrence in the way my hip now moves; which is crucifying my long standing back problems.
i have to go back in a year or if i get any pain start in my leg as this could be the bone dying off
they are leaving the screws in




at least until then.
so i will be off up to occupational health, probably in the new year, how will put me on the redeployment list for 12 weeks, with all the cuts there are no jobs as when some one leaves/drops off the perch ect the job is done away with.

best start practising my signature as it looks like i will be signing on for the next 19 years as i will not be allowed access to my massive gilt edged public sector pension of £2500 a year until i am 66years old.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2011)

i think i may be depressed ?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2011)

i think that's the one when your mouth dose not turn up at the corners, i once had some cards with pictures of faces that were labeld with what the expression means but i lost them some time ago and i find it hard to work it out with out them.


----------



## neil earley (2 Dec 2011)

67 for pensions oops you will be stil working !! if you have a job , never mind the next generation keep flogging the old ones and maybe they will all die off before drawing their vast wealth of said government pensions mm after all fair play to them{ MP.s and the ohh so poor bankers} they retire early to save you paying them expenses after all !!


----------



## n-ick (2 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I have some flash cards that my 11month old granddaughter has finished with. Would they be of use to you to identify everyday objects?
The Spud scored 1 out of 40, but we tested him in his coal shed at night.
So much for his psychic ability.
We also have a range of 3d glasses , do you need a pair to identify ordinary objests around you?
We tried these out in Spud's coal shed, they were ace.I think he said that I was a brick?


----------



## byegad (2 Dec 2011)

Get yourself jailed.* DC aka Tweedledum is going to make prisoners work a 40 hr week. At this rate they are going to be the only people in work North of Watford.

* Methods of getting jailed.
1. Run over Jeremy Clarkson. No, hang on a minute that won't work, because all you have to do is apologise the next day and say it was a joke!
2. Rob a bank. No, hang on a minute that won't work, because they'll give you a seat on the board and £X000000 squids a year in bonus. 
3. Walk up behind someone in a crowd and knock him down so hard that he dies shortly afterwards. No, hang on a minute that won't work, because the CPS will dither so long you don't get to go to court.
4. Conspire to Pervert the course of Justice. No, hang on a minute that won't work, because the trial will collapse and you'll go free.
Awh! Think of one yourself.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Get yourself jailed.* DC aka Tweedledum is going to make prisoners work a 40 hr week. At this rate they are going to be the only people in work North of Watford.
> 
> * Methods of getting jailed.
> 1. Run over Jeremy Clarkson. No, hang on a minute that won't work, because all you have to do is apologise the next day and say it was a joke!
> ...



View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q728eaZ3NAs

as you know Jeremy is from here, but now lives down south and they are welcome to him.

i am now thinking of retraining to become ether a professional bra fitter, this is a very specialised occupation involving straps and support structures, a mp i have applied for a £130,000 grant for the training program held in a small hut on a sunny beach "mp university of deception and greed" at my expenses will be tax deductible i will end up £400,000 in pocket or a school crossing officer on the m1 though i am a bit dubious about the last one it sound a bit odd to me and the recommendation email douse not look like it came from the job centre! 
i have asked for a bit of detail about the crossing job, i did point out i am slightly infurm "this is not a problem, we will stand you on a skatbord and have a YTS kid stood one at each side of the road to push you across the carrage way, as many times as it takes".
the 3d specks are fab, i love them, when my eldest puts the big paper sack over my head when she wants to watch a soup drama thingy i find they enhance the effect.
as the sun is out and i am need of cheering up i will go for a ride.


----------



## byegad (2 Dec 2011)

Love the Rotherham Tourist Offices promo' film. I'll be on the next bus* if you double promise that the JC person will not be there.

Or did they cancel all of them on Tuesday in the Autumn Statement?


----------



## n-ick (2 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmoio,
I find it ironic that in order to escape the Rat Race , you have turned your back on the creatures who shod your feet and put food on your table. Tha' were once King of t'Rats.
Rise again sire,Spud is working on a shotgun modification to your crutch. Unfortunately he misheard me and we now have a pair of 12 bore trousers with 3/4 choke fly action.
Once more we will supply earplugs , which you can glue onto your ears.Not only will you not hear anything, but the effect will blow you away.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2011)

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=z8qchaZDECE#
!
2mins 30 in you will see the crips are revolting.
"Mr pry-minister sir it is worse than we thought the gmb have called in the crips on us" 
muhnumnum muhnumnum ready the barricades there will be rivers of lard in the streets.


----------



## byegad (3 Dec 2011)

Frightening stuff. If I were the government I'd settle now. On the one condition that the guy on the trike was deported!


----------



## Speicher (3 Dec 2011)

I see you specially invited some Russians over with their banners. Which union is the BMG krow?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2011)

reliob elbassimnu lareneg


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2011)

out doing my bit again today.
with the wind blowing hard it was a good work out with that big flag.


----------



## byegad (3 Dec 2011)

Red Cosmo the strike king!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2011)

come the revolution!
i will have to review my list, some people might like to have me reconsider some names, i am open to this given the right incentive to do so, hu hurm.

i have a touch of man flue tonight; probably brought on by all the stress of recent weeks and uncertainty over my employment, it is making me ill i tell you!
i need caring for and nurchering, being a delicate flower.


----------



## byegad (4 Dec 2011)

You can never get a nurch when you want one.


----------



## n-ick (4 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmiod,
I found an old bag of Nurchios under Spud's sofa. Will this do to get relief ?
He's also got a set of Nurchuks, which when martially and skillfuly applied around the neck,will ensure that little blood will get to the brain. This will leave tha' in a state of Karma,Korma and Kalmer.


----------



## byegad (4 Dec 2011)

Karma,Korma and Kalmer.

Trying to curry favour Nick?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Dec 2011)

with the cold and rain bighting i have made a executive decisioning to have a day off.


----------



## byegad (4 Dec 2011)

In solidarity I too will have a day off tomorrow. I might go for a ride but will do no work.


----------



## Speicher (4 Dec 2011)

In solidarnosh I too will have a day off tomorrow. Not sure exactly what I will be doing, the possibilities are endless.


----------



## byegad (4 Dec 2011)

Ooh! Err! Missus!

I have to add i last 'w****d for a living 5 1/2 years ago. I'm now a gentleman of leisure.


----------



## Speicher (4 Dec 2011)

I last w****d and got paid for it, in err umm 2004. 

I now work one day a week. I get paid my travel expenses, and all the drinks (non-alcoholic) that I can drink. I am currently learning how to corrupt construct a Database.


----------



## n-ick (5 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmoidio,
Shame sir, day off work, how will they manage without tha' ?
Have instructions been left?
Have you left a hologram or a cardboard cut out of yourself?
Will anyone notice the difference?
After all some , a long time ago, you left the *RECOVERY*?


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> I last w****d and got paid for it, in err umm 2004.
> 
> I now work one day a week. I get paid my travel expenses, and all the drinks (non-alcoholic) that I can drink. I am currently learning how to corrupt construct a Database.


FTFY
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.


----------



## Speicher (5 Dec 2011)

I have notified that Admin has added a "Work Safe Option". Does this mean it would be safe for me to go back to work?


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> I have notified that Admin has added a "Work Safe Option". Does this mean it would be safe for me to go back to work?


Nooo0! Don't do it!


----------



## Speicher (5 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Nooo0! Don't do it!


 
Following your expert advice then  , I won't. I might have if I could have found a job without mega millions of stress levels, and without idiots to work with.

Alledgedly no such job exists. On the other hand, would I find time to go out to work? 

I must continue, obviously, with assisting Mark on his path to recovery. 

Steak and Ale pie?
Strong tea?


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2011)

Clip around the ear and foot up the backside, more like. Rotherites only respond to pain.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Dec 2011)

today s ride was a bit cold and wet, partway in i started getting cleat problems; the five miles back home were murder with a semi detached cleat! i never realised how much difference they make till now.


----------



## n-ick (6 Dec 2011)

Yo Comsnoid,
tha' cleat problems should be over soon.
As a special project, Spud has developed a method of grafting a cleat straight onto tha', foot. Just cut a hole in the base of tha' shoe and off you go. Tha'll be the first volunteer, the branding won't leave a scar ( only a small one).

I think he is applying for a patent or was it becoming a patient?


----------



## byegad (6 Dec 2011)

Just so we are clear on this. Was this the built up cleat that failed?

Frankly it would be worth your while, in cost per mile, to have a special pair of boots made up. I'm thinking a boot of riveted leather with thick soles, one thicker than the other of course. The cleats held on by big wood screws into the thick soles.

Should go well with the Japanned black screws in your leg and the bolt through your neck!


----------



## n-ick (7 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosminoid,
I note with some alarm that snow is prevelant in Middle England. Have you taken emergency supplies on board to enable you to survive at least 3 days of being stuck in, hopefully, very deep drifts ?
Spud has adapted his inflatable into a figure hugging "Survival Pod", 
he's left the arms, legs and head on.

Take precautions, sir, it would go against the grain to alert the emergency services, only to find you frozen to the core.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2011)

The best thing to do is go out into the white wilderness telling the rest of us; 'I may be some time' and just go for a short stagger until, sometime after the end of the ice age your mummified body is found. Scientists of the future will vie over your sad remains and theories of a bio-mechanical sub species of man existed for a short time in the early 21st century, but died out presumably as a failed evolutionary experiment.

We'll miss you of course but...

Tha'd be famous lad.


----------



## Scoosh (8 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> Following your expert advice then  , I won't. I might have if I could have found a job without mega millions of stress levels, and without idiots to work with.
> 
> ......


That's the trouble with being self-employed/working from home/running a home-based business .... 


I know the feeling ...


----------



## n-ick (8 Dec 2011)

EEyup Cosfrozonoid,
nearly forgot, include a long pole with a flare on top. Spud has just finished his heat seeking missile; "The Chatsworth Estate Worker Dodger".
Not only will this find you in a snow drift, but will ensure that you are quickly sent on your way. The Mark11 comes with a tasteful set of leather bound memorial hymns and psalms.
Get your order in asap for that deep drift security.
Tha'll sleep better at night, reassured , that all is being done for a RECOVERY.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Dec 2011)

Computer says noooooooo, sat in a semi trance like state in the office this is what popped in to my head while listening to the latest winging person on the phone demanding something be done about the latest minor infringement on there tiny universe by one of there neighbours.
Some people go through hell with there neighbours, but others are just whinging gits and have no tolerance or understanding for there fellow man.
 A one off birthday party that until 11:30 one Friday night or the fact that next doors grass is 3” taller than what you deem acceptable is no reason to shout at some poor sod sat in a cubicle in a dungeon chained to a desk.

Every person has there little revenges, putting a request form to the bottom of a pile, misplacing a file or assigning a request to the wrong team/department and forgetting to tick a box that needs ticking for a request to go to the next stage of processing; asking some one to repeatedly spell there name street or having them repeat there phone number is a good one and completely getting there story wrong and getting them to explain every aspect of it repeatedly.

i must admit the idea of having a strap-on to help with my length problems dose have some merit but it would be two cumbersome a device.
i am already emotionalised in the genetic archives of a well-known university research department, as is my family tree going back a long way, apparently we have a very distinctive marker the DNA; so when they find the cure for some thing it my be named after us.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2011)

Why is he whispering?

Could it be he' lost his voice? Could we be that lucky?


----------



## n-ick (9 Dec 2011)

EEyup Cosmomoid,
I agree that tha' family tree goes back a long way. I'd also agree that so does everyone's. With this in mind Spud has come up with "The family tree generator".
Loosely based on an old Mecca Bingo machine, you put your name on a ball and throw it into the revolving disc of past destiny; an old food mixer.

We have been gratified at the results; it appears that not only are you directly descended
from the Greek God of Gratification, you also have several primitive sponges in your ancestry.
Useful in a hot tub.

Should you require a look into the future,we can turn the main battery around and insert one of your balls.
However,I fear that the outlook appears grim, with no sign of *RECOVERY.*


----------



## byegad (10 Dec 2011)

I think we can all trace out family tree back to the primeval soup. For some of us that's a lot of generations, for others only a few.


----------



## Speicher (10 Dec 2011)

I have been told that someone in my family has traced our roots back to Persian Horse traders.


----------



## byegad (10 Dec 2011)

We arrived in England on a package tour organised by William the Bastard, better known in England as William the Conqueror.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Dec 2011)

today was a day of horses and hooting  
i tested out the trike flap; this was not the first test of the flap but previous test done with a floppy flap* and were slightly disappointing, now the floppy flap has some stiffness in it things are much more to my liking.
riding a low slung well reclined trike like the catrike speed keeping your back warm in cold weather is never a problem, so i tend to put just a thin wind proof jacket on back to front, this keeps the wind of my front but stops my back over heating.
when riding up hill i pull the jacket down to allow cooling, on the down hills and in to head winds i just pull it back up; this is were the flap comes in the hood with a stiffener in this case a piece of card board covers the lower part of my face and keeps the freezing wind of me also it helps with my breathing as the air seems slightly warmer behind the flap.

the horses were out in abundance today most are ok but some should never be taken out on the road without some one leading them; one was going insane because it had seen something flapping about in the hedge the impatient car drivers did not help the rider trying to calm the thing down, it eventually got through a gap in the hedge in to a field.

i had several thumbs up and complements from passing cars/ vans and only one get of the f^&^* road, one driving 6" off the back wheel flashing head lamps and piping horn on a narrow stretch of very twisty road, one suicidal over take on a blind bend where the on coming car had to do a emergency stop and one car came around a bend at the speed of sound lock up the tyres and end up side on in the lane blocking the road; so a very quiet relaxing ride.

*floppy flap is pressed up against your face and can course air restrictions, this is not recommended as lack of breathing can course a case of asphyxiation so the stiffener was added.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Dec 2011)

the cold is effecting my hip more than i thought it would, i have been putting those hand warmer jell things down my pants part way in to the ride to keep it going.
i had five days off because of the weather, the stiffness and pain when walking have steadily increased, so yesterday was the first ride after the lay off, today i could feel a difference in stiffness but not the pain; i did another ride to day so am hoping things will improve tomorrow.


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2011)

Sounds like your going to have to move South for the warmer weather.


Is Doncaster a lot warmer than Rotherham?


----------



## n-ick (12 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmofrozianus,
Just got back from the South coast. Positively balmy down there.
I note with alarm that you have taken to besporting tha' self in a jacket which does up the back.
I would advise you , that these are readily available in an off canvas and a white colour from any medical supplier.
If you're lucky, you might get one fitted free.
The leather facemask and electrical wire ups can be supplied later. Is this the sort of thing that you wish to find under your festive tree?


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2011)

I thought he was wearing it that way round out of habit!


----------



## n-ick (13 Dec 2011)

Nun but the brave.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2011)

I'm going to stand in the corner and wimple.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Dec 2011)

it is a lot better with a stiff one; today in high winds and 4c i was comfortable, the ride was slow but i think it did me good.
i noticed one day last week my boxer briefs button up the back, i think it is some thing to do with keeping your bits and bobs warm.
i have yet again lengthened the boom on my catrike.

the velomobile is looking better every day all i need now is a advertising sponsor, to pay the lone on it.


----------



## n-ick (13 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosimono,
with a "stiff one" you 'll have little problem "to pay the lone on it". Try the docks.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2011)

A good stiff drink really sets you up for the day. Is that what we're talking about?


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Dec 2011)

really the stiffened trike flap, keep up people!
i am thinking of slightly triming my sticky out dangely bits as they keep geting knoted up.

today's ride was hard as the wind increased all the time i was riding, at one point i was peddling down hill just to keep going.
i did cut out the 3mile bit past the wind farm as the road i would have to ride is being resurfaced, or the terrible road is being cosmeticly patched just in time for the frost to brake it all up again.

no one has approached me with a advertising contract yet and i have mentioned it to five people to spread the word!
it is amazing when you want the word putting out, every one keeps there gob shut; the very embarrassing or plain hurtful stuff and they are running around the streets with megaphones.


----------



## n-ick (14 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosimodo,
I have indeed put the word out tht you are available. However the sponsors of Backward Wear are looking forwards.
Tha' could try stepping into advertising green energy and strap tha'self to a wind turbine.


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2011)

The question you have to ask is which firm wants to associate itself with a one legged Sun Bronzed Greek God? After all, how many SBGGs are there,? Surely a limited market?


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2011)

not only would the firm get add space on my velomobile but i would be prepared to perform walnut cracking demonstration to entertain and draw a crowed.

i did a bit of trike maintenance today all basic stuff but keeps them running smooth; tinkering with the built up shoe on my short leg has become a bit of a obsession trying to get the feel of the peddle stroke the same on both sides.

the wind was blowing hard again, i had not realised how bad it was until i got of the trike part way through the ride to put my gloves on, i could hardly stand up, but laying on the trike it was just blustery!


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2011)

Try lying under the trike , you'll get even less wind. Or eat fewer beans!


----------



## Speicher (14 Dec 2011)

The mind boggles as to why you got off the trike to put the gloves on.


----------



## n-ick (14 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmoidio,
in order to ensure similar pedal stroke action, why not unbolt your cranks and have them facing the same direction?
Not only would this give you a chance to compare your incomparable Olympic action, but would also confirm to the great unwashed what 2 brain cells can acheive in tandem.

Spud has developed a single two footed crank to which the feet may be welded and glued.


----------



## byegad (16 Dec 2011)

Maybe Cosmo Smallpiece is going about it all wrong!

He should be celebrating the diversity of his legs, embracing differences )and getting ready for his latest expedition into space). Following the thread's resounding success of orbiting Speicher around the moon so she could look at its backside. Dirty girl! TYKE, see below, will launch Yorkshire's first space mission with due modesty and ambitious.

So far in human history only 12 men have walked on the moon. In the New Year, at vast expense, The Yorkshire Kingdom Explorer (TYKE) will fund a 'manned' moon landing! Taking the glorious USA space programme into account they will start with a lesser primate and Cosmo's name came to their notice (I knew Spamming had a use!). Our own SBGG is going to be unlucky 13th on the moon. The population of the whole of God's own County were asked for contributions for the missile spaceship. A total of £12 000 000 was needed and in true Yorkshire generosity we raised 33 1/2p, 3 Farthings and one Groat (As no one spends anything unless really necessary in Yorkshire, it's perfectly possible that the donors of the 1/2p, Farthings and Groat still think they are legal tender.) from the general population. Thankfully Rotherham, population 118 000, raised double the required funds between them. Typical comments included 'He's going to the Moon? Promise!!!' and, 'I'll pay the whole amount M'self, so long as it's a one way trip.'

Our scientists say the trip out will take 5 days, unless they pop up for two rockets (The money is there, Well done! Rotherham!!!) and then it'll be under two days, sadly the landing speed will be a bit higher in option two. Alternatively they can do the traditional thing and buy a smaller rocket, giving an outward trip time of three weeks. Then spend the rest on a really good blow out of St Tetley's and Haddock and Chips all round for Rotherham".

The down??side is that there may be a slightly longer return time on option three, although no one can see an issue with a 25 000 year trip home, Cosmo will be able to enjoy the sight of the the Earth as first Global Warming and then Ice Ages ebb and flow across the face of the Earth. Who knows, mankind may well develop a means of rescuing him in a couple of decades, although the ethical question of returning him to Earth a little quicker could see centuries of debate, small wars and even a full exchange of Thermonuclear weapons, before a decision is made.

Cosmo, we need you to start practising holding your breath immediately I suggest holding it for 1 second in every minute for a now doubling the period of time you hold your breathe every two days.

Launch of TYKE 1 will be at 00.01 YST* on the 1st of January 2012, this will ensure that the population of Yorkshire and other less important parts of the world will see the launch#. The lander G' Riddance will separate from the main ship and descend to the surface, as it will have no means of deceleration we suggest Cosmo takes his trike and looks at is as the best downhill (Well, down gravity well.) ride of his life. Best give the brakes a good checkout and remember to deduct 14psi from the normal tyre pressures.

This will ensure a Happy New Year to our readers.

" If tha' spends owt, spend it on th'self.
*Yorkshire Standard Time, don't ask for it unless you can pay!
# Will all drunks remember to lie face up in the gutter with eyes open, please!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> The mind boggles as to why you got off the trike to put the gloves on.


well you have to take your shoes of first to look for the l and r on my socks, obviously! gosh you do ask some daft questions.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Maybe Cosmo Smallpiece is going about it all wrong!
> 
> He should be celebrating the diversity of his legs, embracing differences )and getting ready for his latest expedition into space). Following the thread's resounding success of orbiting Speicher around the moon so she could look at its backside. Dirty girl! TYKE, see below, will launch Yorkshire's first space mission with due modesty and ambitious.
> 
> ...


 

i am very excited about this project; the possibility that i may be responsible for repopulating the planet is a exciting prospect.
i have started doing simulated landing* i have a goldfish bowl to modify as a helmet, the nurse up at the host'ipitable said she could not remove it without braking it so i will have to wear it until the end of the expedition**.
i have been for a quick run through on the simulator*** in the old Rotherham united foot ball ground and noticed what looked like a moon scape laid out on the pitch i did not get a good look as they wear shutting the doors, i do not think they wanted me to see it; it must be a surprise! though there did seemed a excessive amount of camera equipment 

i got a compass in one of the xmas crackers today as it was the works dinner, i was not attending the dinner but the crackers were left on my desk all day so i emptied out some of the expensive looking ones and put my own jokes in them with handy prises i found laying about in the office.
seeing some of the staff in what they consider "casual, trendy" party dress, was a bit disconcerting and frankly distressing.
as the only person left to run the department and the phones going quiet about 3:30; i did a inventory of the tins of chocolates from the four sections and separated all the good ones in to the tin that resides in the licensing section as every one knows they are doggy.
i also filled up there sugar jar with all the part jars from the other three sections, i am off work on Monday and Tuesday.


*the lads carry me on to the shed roof and throw me off repeatedly and with some enthusiasm.

**drinking with a straw is no problem but corned beef hash requires hand stands and a quick rinse afterwards.

***thank you bill worksman for the kind donation of the reliant robin, this mounted on a park swing with three hefty blokes
prodding it with pit deputy yard sticks is very realistic.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Dec 2011)

n-ick said:


> Yo Cosmoidio,
> in order to ensure similar pedal stroke action, why not unbolt your cranks and have them facing the same direction?
> Not only would this give you a chance to compare your incomparable Olympic action, but would also confirm to the great unwashed what 2 brain cells can acheive in tandem.
> 
> Spud has developed a single two footed crank to which the feet may be welded and glued.


 i have this on the hand bike you go super man, booby's out, super man booby's out, super man booby's out.


----------



## byegad (16 Dec 2011)

Cosmo there's someone at the front door. Go and answer it.

Everybody else... Draw closer...Don't tell him we are not supplying any air, other than that in his goldfish bowl. The best guess is he'll be dead before the missile spaceship gets into Earth orbit. Unless SBGGs can breathe in a vacuum. Shhh! Keep it to yourselves. And Speicher, tell him how much fun you had in orbit.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2011)

i think the government is trying to stop me claiming my gilt edged £3500 a year pension; the hit squad was out again today.
on a 90% right turn a car desides it is a good plase to over take, so just on the apex of the bend he is along side  i hit the brakes hard as i did not like this, just as a car whips around the bend the nice chap how was at the side of me did not hesitate and pulled hard over where i would have been, as it was i missed being crushed by the back end by millimetres, there is know way he could have known i had braked as i was in a blind spot at the time. "you £*$ £&£$*& £&!(£&% " i said, very loudly*


*i know it was loud as a df rider up the road looked around and saw what was happening he pulled in to the middle of the road slowing the car unfortunately not for long enough for me to get to the drive ; he looked back at me heading for him explaining how upset i was at the near death experience at the top of my lungs and shot off.


----------



## n-ick (18 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmoidio,
blooming good job too, keeping tha' as a member of the poor people class will allow you to consume white bread, lose teeth and ensure the surplus population is reduced.
Mind, your experiences with our team of hit men, may mean that you don't actually reach retirement age, at all.It seems to be doing your blood pressure good. In case of a cardiac arrest , Spud had devised a mobile stimulator, just hook it up to a nearby pylon and you should immediately feel the benefits.
Which will be more than you will, if they retire you.

Whatever you want for Christmas, we'll have it instead and enjoy it all the more!!!


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2011)

As Death would say, *'I'VE HAD A NEAR COSMO EXPERIENCE.'*

I suspect the sniper will have more success.

Of course you could volunteer for our moon shot. In space no one can hear you scream.


----------



## Speicher (18 Dec 2011)

Please refrain from suggesting that Mark do any mooning. 

Admit it, whose behind that idea?

If it is a night of a full moon, who knows where that would lead. Any one of a nervous disposition would need to stay indoors.


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2011)

Think of it as a benefit. The moon currently has no inhabitants. So sending Cosmo there will infinitely increase the average IQ of the moon. Meanwhile without Cosmo, the Earth's average IQ will show a significant rise too. Benefit to both worlds and no loss.


----------



## Speicher (19 Dec 2011)

Yes, but then who is going to take me on a recuperative joliday to the Carry Bean?


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Dec 2011)

from the pain i am experiencing today laying on a sun drenched beach like a big greasy chip is looking good, i dont think they have that on the moon.
i was thinking of running for the presidency of the usa next year, i could then purchases the uk and lease it back to its inhabitants. it is the same plan as the French and Spanish are now doing but on a much grander scale.
all i need it for every one in the uk to send me £5 for my campaign funds.


----------



## byegad (19 Dec 2011)

The only way you'll get a whole £5 is to promise to be on our spaceship. If you refuse to go we'll use our back up astronaut. But next door are very fond of their budgie and will miss him.


----------



## n-ick (19 Dec 2011)

Eeeyup Cosminoaut,
tha' could do what t'Americans did. Get to Nevada desert, tie everything down, make sure t'flag doesn't flutter in t'breeze and bingo.
Or in your case Umbongo, Rawmarsh's first unipod on the Moon. In your case, the backside of Rotherham.

Not only has Spud been working on a non launching space shuttle, but had finished a complete recycling suit.
This will enable you to live on your own waste for an indefinate period. It is tastefully finished in Union colours and strangley shaped like a coffin. 
We shall be testing at Berwick this Easter.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Dec 2011)

i changed my mind becoming president of the usa, is just not enough i think emperor of the world might be more like it just to start with.
to this end i am working on weaponising the dark sucker i have in the shed; with a fresh 9v battery and 3ft of the magnet out a fridge door i will be unstopeble.
though being environmentally responsible my take over might be a bit on sedate side at a average speed of about 14mph in fact.
i have decided that the first act as emperor will be to make put all food on ration except cabbage, sprouts, spinitch and onions; alcohol will be limited to one unit per week; every one will be required to wear one left shoe that is 1/2" higher than the right one, beards will be compulsory for all women, all men will be required to walk backwards on a Thursday, the word elucidating will be band; i will think of other things to amuse me as time goes on .

the ride today was ok i did have the over taken df rider almost sufering a corenery to get in front of me befor he turnd off again, it is all good fun and helps me train.
i over took one yesterday into a stiff head wind and he worked very hard to keep up with me he only caught up as there is a 1mile stretch of really rough road that is hard work on a trike, he was muttering when he went past.


----------



## n-ick (21 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosminio,
when are visiting hours?
Will the unit be open over Christmas?
Will they untie your straight jacket to pull a cracker?

Tha's really flipped this time. Spud has an interesting version of the
mind altering hypnosis and water shock treatment machine.
I can tow it to Berwick.


----------



## byegad (21 Dec 2011)

The only thing that can bring the SBGG now is EST.

I'm thinking a metal cap and a steel rod hammered into the earth then, given that Speicher, while a first rate chap and all that, is of the female persuasion, how can I say this in mixed company? OK! Shoved where the sun doesn't shine. We wait for a thunderstorm and fly a large kite with a fine steel wire, rather than string, which is attached to the hat.

Sadly this is a kill or cure remedy, but I'm willing to take the risk.

Meanwhile The Yorkshire Kingdom Explorer moon shot is cancelled, pending finding another, more stable, idiot. To ensure the main office, in Whip-Ma-Whop-Ma Gate York, is not besieged by Rotherhamites demanding their money back* all monies have been sent to a secret location, thought to be in the Yorkshire Missionary to Durham Headquarters. A spokesman for His Holiness Saint Byegad the Blessed said. 'Any money accrued to the Mission is of course subject to the most scrupulous safeguards.' Yorkshire Security expert, Lord Boycott of Headingley, said that His Holiness's wallet was the most secure place on earth as His Holiness has forgotten five of the seven security codes needed to remove his wallet from his pocket and has had two of the three keys needed to remove money from the Holy Wallet melted down after depositing the TYKE money. He added off the record that he; 'Bowed down to a superior miser, Blessed be his bank account! Praise the Archangel Trueman, Freddy be his name. Amen!'

* Being from Yorkshire they understand the strict Ruling from the Synod of York, held in 1081, that refunds are a mortal sin. However under extreme provocation we expect mass hysteria to break out with people paying to make the journey from Rotherham to York _at their own expense!_


----------



## byegad (21 Dec 2011)

Corrections.

1. For 'His Holiness', read 'His Very Unholiness.'
2. For 'Blessed', read 'Blasted'.


----------



## Speicher (21 Dec 2011)

It appears that we have an infiltrator in cognito. Some one who is reading this thread, but not part taking of commentising. They disguise themselves as a very small frog!

Is this revenge for Mark failing to protect the frogs?

... ecks scuse me while I go back umpty-two pages to find the correct post....


----------



## byegad (21 Dec 2011)

Amphibians are welcome here. No matter how large or minute they are. Quite why you are worried about slurs against a member of the entire class of the animal kingdom because of our SBGGs Franco-phobia is beyond me. 

Our SBGG is concerned for the frogs who are suffering from some sort of fungal infection, although last time I was in Paris they all seemed very fit to me.


----------



## n-ick (22 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmo,
I note with alarm that there are 2 dates coming up soon which will be of interest to you. The first is December 25th, when us lesser mortals open presents, eat and drink too much. If you are celebrating this, then I will send Spud's mystery ticking package by courier.
The 2nd , most ominous is the start of the new year, when us lesser mortals eat and drink too much and resolve to be better minions.
We have again forwarded tha' details for the Honours list, as a true brick. 
Further more, we have started on the plans for your deep pit at Berwick. By this means we will be able to toss leftovers and drink down , without presenting as a danger to lesser mortals.


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2011)

Good idea to send a parcel, Cosmo's tribe were wondering what to have for dinner on the 25th and roast postman would be a treat. I hope you got the package away in October 2010, otherwise it won't arrive in time.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Dec 2011)

you know i am quite fond of the newt! if you cut bits off they grow back, there are newts that live in caves in slevinia that can go for decades without eating and survive 
there seems no end to the fungible frog problem
i have just finished doing the xmas card thing we have worked out ways to save.
1 every one write on there cards in pencil they can be rubbed out and reused
2 every one keep the cards you got last year and put them out again this saves on postage as well as cards
3 put cards in envelopes you have received through the post put a line through the address on the front and add return to sender, Write on the back the address you would like the card to go
4 only a wasteful spend thrift will walk on both feet use crutches and walk on one leg your shoes will last twice as long.
my wallet is opened on a regular basis to count, fondle and encourage my money and to strengthen the enchantment/ diabolical curse that has been woven in to it. "may your taxes increase and your teeth turn white over night "

the plan is going well, i expect full world domination in six weeks, though i am having problems with the post office, they will insist on delivering parcels 30seconds after i leave the house; it can take me 3 to 5 days to retrieve a parcel from the depot 3 miles away that might have travel d half way around the world in less time.
i think i will rename the planet dirt or not a sphere rely its tangerine shaped.

good ride today though had several cars over take me to then slam the brakes on and turn left in front of me! i wonder if they are part of the hit squad that are out to get me? i am starting to worry about spud some times i think he has not got my best interests at hart.


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2011)

Extract from the SBGGs text
"...my wallet is opened on a regular basis to count, fondle and encourage my money and to strengthen the enchantment/ diabolical curse that has been woven in to it."  

ARE YOU MAD! You'll wear it out. The Ancestral White Fiver issued in 1795 still had pristine clarity and no wear when my Grandfather looked at it in 1923. (He'd been tempted to buy a round of drinks to celebrate the birth of my Father. Thankfully the sight of it's beautiful print brought him to his senses!) I may leave a clause in my will suggesting my Grandson have it examined and valued in case it is worth more than the face value. No rush maybe when he's 60?


----------



## Scoosh (23 Dec 2011)

Your Grandson is 60 ??


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2011)

Scoosh said:


> Your Grandson is 60 ??


Not yet, but I'm hoping he'll get there!


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> Yes, but then who is going to take me on a recuperative joliday to the Carry Bean?


Hope you noted how we diplomatically ignored your greed and self centred outlook until now. Just in time to ruin your crimble.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Hope you noted how we diplomatically ignored your greed and self centred outlook until now. Just in time to ruin your crimble.


the obvious concern for my well being is hart warming; besides if it is good enough for the local clowncillors, to go on "fact finding trips" all over the place all expenses paid, i think a personal assistant/nurse should be allowed to lay on a sun drenched beach for 3 to 5 weeks.

you have paper money! i am still the guardian of the family groats, danegilt and lead pigs.

i did not go for a ride today as the rain was so pesistant i think breathing would have been hardlaying on my back

i am presently researching compresd air driven engines for use with velomobiles; there is a very good rotary design the full size one is only 6kg plus air bottle, a motor to give 20% assist to a trike rider would be about .5 to 1kg and could run on as little as 10psi so a air tank would not have to be overly heavy to give reasonable range.
eliminating costly battery's that need replacing after 2 to 3 years of use, the carbon foot print of the air engine would be a lot less than a electric system, it would take seconds to refill the air tank from a compressor rather than 6 to 8 hours for batters.
i need a test pilot to have a go when the first concept velo is up and running.

the negotiations on chaining the contents of the vending mechines on the second floor; talks have stalled again and both sides have agreed to start talks again on the return after xmas, the lack of progress has been firmly blamed on the lack of hobnobs and fecundity of kitkat.
all is still on track for world domination expect a press release over the new year


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Dec 2011)

Scoosh said:


> Your Grandson is 60 ??


you are talking about a man of 97 and dose not look a day over 400.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Dec 2011)

i think i have descoverd why the frogs are becoming extinct it is not the fungus! they are just so tasty you know you should stop at one leg but you cant; any way they would just hop around in circles all the time and that would be cruelty.


----------



## byegad (24 Dec 2011)

I could power on of those without a separate reservoir! Just need some John Smith's and beans for tea the day before the ride.

As for ancestral funds, we still have the Ox-Hides my ancestors carried back from Mycenae. Apparently we were a cast of warrior nomads a sort of gun for hire, long before the gonne was invented. Sadly a few decades back HSBC refused to store them in their Vaults, something about Foot in Mouth disease. So we have them in the coal house where they don't stink the house out. Mad Byegad The Slightly Bad, sometime in the 1700s took up piracy following a successful hijack of the Humber Ferry, so we also have Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Nine and Pieces of Ten, inflation was very bad in the mid part of the century!

Speicher hasn't replied so maybe she's sold her body to a Sugar Daddy and gone to Carry Bean wherever it wants to go. Either that or she's in the under-stair cupboard sobbing broken heartedly because I pointed out her selfishness in wanting Cosmo to take her for a jolly holi' in warmer parts.


----------



## byegad (24 Dec 2011)

markg0vbr said:


> i think i have descoverd why the frogs are becoming extinct it is not the fungus! they are just so tasty you know you should stop at one leg but you cant; any way they would just hop around in circles all the time and that would be cruelty.


 
This puts the lie to your story of woe regarding your 'poorly' leg. We now know that the dreaded West Riding Cannibals have reappeared after more than 100 years of obscurity. Tell the truth lad, you were cooked on Ilkley Moor, weren't you? Speak up. Where has't tha' been?


----------



## byegad (24 Dec 2011)

This is my last post before inebriation the festive spirits sets in Happy Crimbo to all our readers and 'May the Farce' be with you.​​Cheers everybody.​


----------



## Speicher (24 Dec 2011)

The turkey is in the oven, the cat is asleep under the tree. Parcels are wrapped, and one may be unwrapped later. 

Merrie Christmas to every peeps.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Dec 2011)

being a traditionalist i am following the how to guide pasted down through the family written by my slightly dubious ancestor on my mothers side, Izicue xackeryer, Anglo-Saxon celebrations were all new to him so he went at them in methodical manner .
to this day we traditionally put the sprouts on to simmer in mid October, we have bits of sheep* with a gefüllter Fisch (gefilte fish) on a bed of sauerkraut and the centre piece is a goose stuffed with pigeon and rabbit.**

tomorrow i may have a not stand up in the afternoon , with a small glass of stout, followed by a rousing game of hide the remote control, mince pie wrap around and new sock fondling.



*best not described but they specificily are bits of what would have been rams.
**i believe he got things a bit mixed up

i am now a practising limpest and after 11 months getting quite good at it .


----------



## byegad (25 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> The turkey is in the oven, the cat is asleep under the tree. Parcels are wrapped, and one may be unwrapped later.
> 
> Merrie Christmas to every peeps.


 
Mmmm! Speicher old chapess, Are you sure? I can smell singing fur and isn't that a pool of near freezing liquid under the tree?


Roast cat. Is that a German tradition?


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Dec 2011)

xmas  trees were coursed by the Germans, Victoria and Albert had a bit to do with it.

there is a problem with the traditional "kids wobbling about on new bikes thing " it is excruciatingly windy!
it is a fantastic event but after 3 to 5 days i have a steady stream of my lads friends coming around to ether put there bikes together correctly or set them up properly.
every thing from brakes not working to front forks back to front! mostly it is setting up the gears and seat hight ect.


----------



## n-ick (25 Dec 2011)

Yo and a Ho Ho FestiveCosmiosis,
tha's got into T'spirit of t'occasion.
By bidding early on Ukranian ebay, Spud has secured a small armed ICBM.It looks a bit rusty, but the gyroscope and Sekonda timer seem ok.
We are hoping for delivery in the New Year and have got programming instructions for delivery. Would you like it re-sprayed before delivery?
Hoping that your New Year starts ( and finishes) with a bang.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Dec 2011)

the sprouts could have done with another week of simmering they were a bit aldenta for my liking.

i only stoped using the model rocket motor i was experimenting with because of the noise there was no way i could get away with it mr plod would have had no problem hearing me a mile away plus the 4 feet of flame coming out the back was a bit of a tell-tale. so the icbm might be a bit of over kill 

i have yet to have a problem troting the dogs down the road at the side of the trike which i thought i would get for sure.

yesterday while on my ride i came across two horse riders on the main road one look at my big cat and they were all over the place, so i puled over to the right hand side of the road to give them plenty of room; this is when the cars coming toward us decided gosh it would be jolly to floor the gas and go between the trike and the horses one of the cars had a ridiculously loud exhaust fitted as well. the riders did manage to keep the dog meat just under control but it was a close run thing.
the forses of darkness have once again failed in there atempt to save on giving me my gilt edged pension**

there have been some setbacks on the hole world domination thing as i think the naiboure hood watch are on to me, the secret lab* was under covert covert surveillance from number 5's pigeons ,one was definitely watching me as i was trying to split a atom*** this is covered in the first section of the book as you need WOMD's or pretend WOMD's to start on the road to world domination; it is sadly laking on the finer detail as to how to do this though.
i am also lacking man/woman**** power, as yet i have only 4 minions two of which are dogs and two xbox addicts.

*shed painted green
**aparently acording to the tabloids, i will be undeservingly fithy rich when i retire
***i failed in this endeavour, even though i had a very sharp chisel.
****equal opportunity directive amend um 34c paragraph 4, despot ruler union guide lines book one, despotisom for the beginner.


----------



## Speicher (25 Dec 2011)

Having roast Turkey and opening pressies on Christmas Eve is a German tradition. Roast cat is probably a Russian tradition, started by my maternal great grandfather, but I find it makes a very big mess, and the neighbours get upset.


----------



## byegad (25 Dec 2011)

Well I hope it was a Purrfect meal. Fur enough?

On the subject of German Xmas traditions our best man is a German chap who taught German and French in England for nearly 30 years. After being diagnosed with MS he retired and went home to Germany. He was the life and soul of many an English party and his Xmas and Birthday bashes were great to attend.

He wrote to me after his first Xmas in Germany in 30 years. He'd been invited to a cousin's house where they'd had a traditional meal with one glass of wine and a very small schnapps, before sitting in silence for 3 hours and then going home. He really misses English Xmases even now 15 years later.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Dec 2011)

it looks like i will have to give up on the world domination thing; one of the minions let slip  what i was doing when 4'9" of enraged mother lifts a eyebrow  and starts going on about what will every one think up at the day centre , one ends up making promises to be good

today's mission should you choose to except it Mr floppy is the rescue of a important feline currently hiding in a Christmas tree, having been slightly nibbled on we believe the puss is ready to defect.
the local warlord is ruthless keeping the puss hoped up on catnip; you will need to get the cat off the catnip and out of the county undetected all the information you need is in the I.M.F. file.
as this is a sensitive extraction Should any of your IM Force be caught or killed the moderators will _disavow_ any knowledge of your actions. this thread will self-destruct in 35years.


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2011)

Has the parcel from Spud stopped ticking? We were disappointed to see a post today as it was due to go off at midnight. Maybe the clock wants winding, be a good chap and wind it up for us Cosmo.


----------



## Speicher (26 Dec 2011)

Roast cat is perhaps a purrfect meal. This is why the tradition has been purr pet u ated.


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2011)

I bet your ratatouille has real rat too.


----------



## Speicher (26 Dec 2011)

You should see my speciality dessert - Chocolate mouse!


----------



## Speicher (26 Dec 2011)

I had better not tell you what is in my Vegetarian sausages!


----------



## n-ick (26 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmio,
in this festive time , I have been told of a cunning device which might place you above minions. By using a mirror, search among tha' body hair and between tha' toes. If tha' finds the three sixes, then either call this number or write it down. This may indeed be proof that tha' are indeed not only above minions , but have a most curious device.
Spud found these numbers on a bit of toast, but his dog ate it, near miss for his fingres.

Has tha' heard the 2012 is the last year of the calender?
Rawmarsh is going to be in line with Roswell and the Galactic Centre.
Has tha' plans to direct cosmic energy? A large mirror facing that direction may do the trick.


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> I had better not tell you what is in my Vegetarian sausages!


Vegetarians, that's easy.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Dec 2011)

i got given a massive bottle of glenfiddich today, not to look a gift horse in the mouth but they must have been giving it away as it is old stuff 12 years old, might be going off; i will mix it with loads of tesco own-brand coca cola.

vegetarian sausages is always part of my holiday fry up, this is one of the problems i get when on a trip through europe they just dont get vegetarian! it seems to bemused and worry the staff at the refreshment stands at the biker rallys.


----------



## byegad (27 Dec 2011)

Glennfiddich is terrible stuff and needs careful disposal. Send it to me and I'll take care of it for you.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Glennfiddich is terrible stuff and needs careful disposal. Send it to me and I'll take care of it for you.


 
yep totally vile i have use some in a trifle, moistened a haggis with some and mixed the rest with cola or ginger beer.
i have three other bottles to get rid of now they cant be any good two of the distillerys have gone out of business Brora and a bottle of Balblair 1965 but i was born in 1964 god you get given some crap at xmas.


----------



## byegad (27 Dec 2011)

You used some in a trifle I could use some in a Trice.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Dec 2011)

http://www.sheffieldiambike.com/Wheel toWheel Nov Dec 2011.pdf look at the bottom of page ten.


----------



## n-ick (28 Dec 2011)

Yo Coismicio,
that's t'best idea I've ever seen, an independant hand held motorcycle sidecar.
Afraid I'm in the doghouse. have runover and eventually killed a very small dog. I'm afraid it ran out straight under my trike front wheel. we were both doing high speed.I'm afraid that in desperation, that I shouted (to the owner) my
name out as "Mark Dunstan from Rawmarsh".
I hope that this not cause any inconvenience and am unwilling to give you an alibi or bail, should things go terribly wrong.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Dec 2011)

i cut some corners on the ride today as the wind was getting up something fears, instead of going the long way zigzagging from village to village to get to the highest part of the ride i went straight up the main road; i found it oddly relaxing powering up what was a challenging hill, it is now only a bit of a climb.
i never knew a pheasant could fly backwards! on took of from the side of the road near the top of the hill and shot over my shoulder going backwards.
there is a lot of shoots around here so at this time of year i can start getting a bit of shell shock, i have been hit by a dead pheasant once, it must have been shot, passed away in flight then glided on for a bit, like the red baron; i have also been hit by a dead pigeon a live eagle* and got a enraged sparrow trapped in the visor of my motorcycle helmet.

*i don't think i look rabbit like but the eagle might need glasses and it blinking well hurt.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Dec 2011)

today both dogs got a bath, it was such fun that all three kids got in as well; i supervised.
the little dog has spent the last two hours laying on my legs periodically shivering, while the big dog keeps "looking" at me! it is probably the most accusing look in history.


----------



## n-ick (29 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmicanoid,
bath time sounds funtime in the cave. Can we look forward to a Channel 5 series ? "The only way is Rawmarsh, an alternative medieval tale of grunge".
If tha's a spare small dog, sling it my way, I could do with more running 'em over practice.


----------



## byegad (29 Dec 2011)

Funny you should hit a dog Nick. I had a gun dog (Shootists in a field next the road peppering the air with shot, when end peg doggy decides to investigate the nice Tirpitz sailing past on the road.) It was a toss up between it going under my back wheels and doing no good to the rear dérailleur  , meeting Mr Crank Brothers best left cleat or heeding it's master's bellow to come back. Fortunately it wasn't Fenton  so returned through the hedge after I'd unclipped my left foot handy for repelling boarders (Collies that is.). Meantime WWIII went on unabated in the field. I couldn't se any birds going down in flames although there had been 4 Pheasants hiding under the road side of the hedge! Clever little devils.


----------



## BenM (30 Dec 2011)

using "Pheasants" and "clever" in the same sentence is as weird as using "Cosmo" and "Recovery"... Pheasants are never clever and Cosmo will never recover. On second thoughts, Cosmo may recover eventually, but Pheasants will remain stupid for ever.


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2011)

BenM said:


> using "Pheasants" and "clever" in the same sentence is as weird as using "Cosmo" and "Recovery"... Pheasants are never clever and Cosmo will never recover. On second thoughts, Cosmo may recover eventually, but Pheasants will remain stupid for ever.


 
 I general I'd agree but those four were very obviously hiding. Had they crossed the field they'd have been flying into more flak than the US Airforce did over Baghdad.


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2011)

As to our 'hero' recovering I suggested the Bader solution and he said I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if I persisted.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Dec 2011)

i have a sick-note you know! and picking on the infirm is down right cadish behaviour.(my mileage has dropped off with the cold weather i have only been doing 120miles a week)

dogs dont seem to know what to make of the trike they ether cower away or run along side attacking the back wheel; _Boudica spikes, now there is a thought!_
quick rotundman get spud on the cup and string we need 2' spikes on all three wheels, this will stop the close overtaking<rubs hands together in a menacing manner>_._

the minions are revolting, something to do with lack of verity in the breakfast serial department,_ they are wanting a shorter working week and increased benefits, including dental!_


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2011)

True minions are toothless and have rickets. If this is not so you are treating them too well.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Dec 2011)

i will increase the ritual beatings until they seem happier.


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2011)

The SBGG is a foole. Minions, happier? No wonder, a few thousand pages back, he complained of a lack of minions. They appreciate a true aristocratic hauteur and indifference to their lot.

As mentioned earlier, a small prize for the 1st person with the page number, I cancelled Xmas on the Byegad Estate. This went very well and saved me being gracious at some unearthly hour on Xmas day giving out the traditional Xmas gifts to the Estate workers and tenants. Quite what we'll do with the 3 tons of turnips and 4 tons of horse manure from the Byegad racing stables, motto 'Nobla Victorio', now we haven't off loaded it to the minions, is beyond me. Suggestions dear readers?

New Year will see the traditional hog roast and bun fight for the estate workers along with the annual announcement of their wage cut. They'll be pleased that we've managed to keep this under 10% for the second year running at 9.999%.

A Happy New Year to all our readers, I am making one Resolution. To get our SBGG out of 'Care in the Community' (If that's the right name for 'Ignore and Hope they go away') and back into the tender care of St Judas the Bastard's Secure Home for the Terminally Bemused.


----------



## n-ick (31 Dec 2011)

Yo Cosmoidian,
I observe from the dials, that it will be another year soonish. I am hoping for an Olympian effort in extending your sick note to infinity. I should cut it into a thin strip, put a twist in it and reglue. You''ll have a Mobius sicknote and your ticket straight into the Ward.

Afraid that by the accidental use of my Airzound and ding dong bell that I completely ruined the efforts of the hunters lurking alongside the trail, in the pursuit of birdlife.Naturally after the dog slaughter, I had to ensure that all beasts be aware of danger. 

In the meantime a very happy Olympian year to all our readers and special greetings to Lord coe.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Dec 2011)

they cant take me back i was tested*, i now carry a copy of the cover letter from the 2000 page file, which clearly states i am not insane; it goes on to mention some small qualifications to that statement but essentially it boils down to legally i am _compos mentis_.

it is time to look back on the past year; one of pain, triumph over adversity and large pub lunches.
some fantastic innervation from the spud skunk works** new dog skin seat rugs and new trikes.

i had a two day lay off from exercise Thursday and Friday, by 9pm Friday i could hardly move; so back in to the groove today a 40mile ride with a fantastic climb at the end of the ride, a tiny back lane meanders from the bottom of the donvalley to the highest point for miles around with some good views and plenty of time to appreciate them taking this lane means i can thrash the last 3 miles home taking some fast turns flat out street luge stile.





*they all had white coats on that but tend up the front and really pasty unhealthy look about them so they must have been doctors of some description or dentists one did keep looking in my mouth.
**semi falling down old shed, still no news on the frankentrike.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Dec 2011)

on the ride today i came upon a road covered in a thin film of almost liquid mud* and accidentally attained black and white minstrel speed** or mm mmmm mmm mmmm*** i must say it is brilliant for drifting though .
no i did not get a photograph before you ask, taking delight in other peoples misfortune mumble grumble mutter.

*i realy, realy hope it was mud, i did see a lot of horses today.
** this is the speed on a trike without mudguards, that all three wheels throw the crap up and forward enough so you ride into it, before gravity notices it just sitting in the air and makes it fall.
***best not open you mouth as it will quickly fill up.


----------



## Speicher (31 Dec 2011)

The rate at which your mouth would fill up with liquid mud, is dependent mostly on the size of one's aperture, me thinks. 

Honorary males, aka females, have, of course, small delicate mouths.


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2011)

As our SBGG is frequently talking to one of his imaginary friends as he rides I'd go for mouth full in under 2 seconds. As to what it was, my guess would be the run off from manure draining out of a farm trailer as it moves big piles of cow poo around.

I'd suggest Foot and Mouth shots, Bovine Tuberculosis vaccine, Foot and Mouth shots, Gastroenteritis shots, Foot and Mouth shots, stomach pump, Norwalk virus vaccine and Foot in Mouth vaccine. 

Of course clever riders have their Trail hung up for the winter as it only has a rear mudguard and they ride a higher seated machine like, err say a Kettwiesel to keep out of the grime thrown up by cars and tractors at this time of year. One has one's standards.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> Honorary males, aka females, have, of course, small delicate mouths.


But of course !


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2011)

byegad said:


> Of course clever riders have their Trail hung up for the winter as it only has a rear mudguard and they ride a higher seated machine like, err say a Kettwiesel to keep out of the grime thrown up by cars and tractors at this time of year. One has one's standards.


Surely one's noble self would have some of the serfs gratefully going in front and cleaning the roads for one - or at least one would be riding in a carriage of suitable elevation from the road as to cause the detritus of farmyard animals to pass underneath without any danger to one's health and vitality ?


----------



## Speicher (31 Dec 2011)

Scoosh said:


> But of course !


 


I will be  and  and at Arch's party.





To all my friends on this thread.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2011)

Speicher said:


> ​
> 
> 
> 
> To all my friends on this thread.


Can I be included too - just to make it *3* ? 



<hides in understairs cupboard>


----------



## Speicher (31 Dec 2011)

<locks understairs cupboard>


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2011)

<it's dark in here .....>


----------



## Speicher (31 Dec 2011)

Was there someone in the cupboard when I locked it? 




Aww Scoosch was all alone and frighted.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2011)




----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2011)

Scoosh said:


> Surely one's noble self would have some of the serfs gratefully going in front and cleaning the roads for one - or at least one would be riding in a carriage of suitable elevation from the road as to cause the detritus of farmyard animals to pass underneath without any danger to one's health and vitality ?


We tried it but the bump as I rode over some serf that couldn't run fast enough down hill was very off putting, as was the squelch as their boils and pustules burst.


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2011)

Put Scoosh back in the cupboard, Igor deserves a toy at New Year.


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2011)

Hae I mentioned Igor before this? If not I'll explain another time.


----------



## n-ick (1 Jan 2012)

Yo Cosinoidy,
wishing you a very happy new year. Hoping for another year of inanity.
Spud has just finished his yearbook of invention, he's working up for the first of many this year.
We've once again got you down as test primate.


----------



## byegad (1 Jan 2012)

Happy New Year everyone. May the recovery restart and your lum reek as lums are supposed to reek.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Jan 2012)

i did think if i turn the trike around and go through the sludge backwards that would keep me cleaner but then i thought it might make it hard to keep it straight, plus i might look daft

then i thought it might be a idea to make some mudguards but then i thought it would add mass and aerodynamic drag  then i thought if i go out on the ice-q it has mudguards and a screen  plus i can add ballast to the rack for the hilly bits 

are you allowed to lock some one in a cupboard now? i thought it had been band as cruel, when i was little all the doors coming of the hall had bolts at the top as i only needed two hours sleep a day i could walk about the hall and bedroom without waking every body ells up i made some fantastic contraptions from macano in the night.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jan 2012)

the best thing to do on a windy day is to ride as many hills as your up hill speed should not be diminished if the hill is steep enough.
the dog meat on legs was out in hurds today and the resultant mayhem was a delight to behold.


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2012)

I've come to an executive decision.

The recovery (Remember that anyone?) is stalled so we need to take drastic action. We are going to sell the SBGGs trikes, all three of them, and use the funds to rebuild him. So its going to be a string and sealing wax job, rather than 6 million dollar man effort.

All suggestions for replacement parts for his body will be welcome, I'll start.

1. A ZX81 I found in a skip will replace his brain.


----------



## n-ick (3 Jan 2012)

Yo Cosmoidius,
I observe that there are moves to rebuild tha' perfect fom.
Tha' should take to hiding in bushes and shrubberies. If tha' covers t' top of head with tin foil, then not only will you be invisible to heat detectors, but will fail to show up on satellite pics.
It might be wise upon the turn of every hour to leave the work station and take to the wilderness. I understand there are benefits to taking up the hookah.

Spud has a whole range of "I spy" and "Teach yourself" books and cassettes. Would you be interested?


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2012)

Replacing his bendy bones could be done with some well seasoned 2"x4" turned down and spoke shaved to suit.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2012)

it would be heresy to mess with this sculpted perfection that is the SBGG, though if any one has a extra thumb laying about having three might be advantages.

today i totally whimpped out and i think tomorrow will be a trike free day as well.
i am having problems with the weather againi think i will start and migrate from next year probably to California.


----------



## byegad (4 Jan 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> it would be heresy to mess with this sculpted perfection that is the SBGG.


To quote Eric Morecambe

Rubbish!


----------



## Speicher (4 Jan 2012)

I have been pondering how to help. Long story short (don't ask) there is a lot of sound equipment in this house, some of it works, and some doesn't and some works in termittently. As Mark is not near Termittently, that may not help.

I am guessizing that the SBGG likes the sound of his master's own voice. Do you think he needs a cordless microphone thingy? 

He could also use a bar code reader, I suppose. I will test that to see if it can detect beer and pies from a distance of 300 metres.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jan 2012)

I could lend a hand - an old Palm Vx which could be of use as ... well a hand (thumbless  - oh- and fingerless  ) or even as a mini-memory , if I can remember where it is.

I did say it was old - but still much, MUCH younger than the SBGG.


----------



## byegad (4 Jan 2012)

Well the cordless microphone is no good. Hearing the SBGG is not an issue, however if you still have the cord we can use that.

The palm is good , if crossed with silver, or cheque payable to Byegad, CO, the Cultural Attaché's Office, North Yorkshire Embassy to Durham and the frozen North, West wing corridor 32, room 14, Byegad Towers County Durham.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jan 2012)

Payable in what currency ?

Shekels, Goats, Groats, Dubloons or something a bit older - in keeping with your more mature personage ?

.

.

.

Sir


----------



## Tigerbiten (4 Jan 2012)

I've a spare left arm kicking around somewhere I could send on.
But I don't know how well it would work bodged as a leg.

Also if I do send it, don't get to attached to it as I will need it back when I break the one I normally use ....... 

Plus the odd left hook or two.

Luck .........


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Payable in what currency ?
> 
> Shekels, Goats, Groats, Dubloons or something a bit older - in keeping with your more mature personage ?
> 
> ...


 
As far as most of the population of Yorkshire are concerned all of the above are still legal tender. They find out otherwise if they actually _spend_ the money... (Pause for uncontrolled sobbing, shaking of head at fellow Yorkshiremen's folly.) ...which doesn't happen often. As an example my late Great Grand Father was known as a spendthrift because he bought a round when my Grand Father was born. Great Grand Mother had him locked in the Ice Cellar for a few years for the mobs waiting for another free drink to disperse after the word got out.

As I live abroad, as the Ambassador to the frozen North (County Durham), I'm more savvy and if it isn't legal tender expect trouble. The Bradford Clog Dancing team have been known to leave no evidence after their Warclog other than a faint stain on the cobbles.

As for the slur about my 'mature personage' I'll treat that remark with the disdain it deserves, with the forgiveness due a young whipper-snapper who has made a grave* error.

*This is a threat!


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2012)

Tigerbiten said:


> I've a spare left arm kicking around somewhere I could send on.
> But I don't know how well it would work bodged as a leg.
> 
> Also if I do send it, don't get to attached to it as I will need it back when I break the one I normally use .......
> ...


 
All welcome. Perhaps we could add extra arms so he can do two jobs at once??


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> All welcome. Perhaps we could add extra arms so he can do two jobs at once??


Extra ? EXTRA ???  I thought only legs were needed for pedalling  ....

Surely that would need a larger brain-type thing - and a larger space to keep it ? 






Multi-tasking requires, I am told, amazing amounts of memory/brain power.


----------



## Speicher (5 Jan 2012)

To add memory power, could we not just give him another chip and re boot him?


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2012)

Just boot him, IMHO ...


----------



## n-ick (5 Jan 2012)

Yo Cosmofornian,
tha's never going to get to California. I understand that there are laws to keep undesirables out.
However Spud has just finished the 3d all singing " California Experience Booth". This based on an old sunbed and involves
fizzy drinks, hot dogs and weightlifting.
A few days inside this inspiring equipment will give
that awful feeling that you live in California.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2012)

I've been out clearing drains around the house  and I started thinking  ....

If Cosimodo is getting re-assembled, he surely won't be an authentic Cosi afterwards.

More of a Quasi-Cosimodo ....


Take it from there, _mes amis ....  _


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2012)

i have discovererd a old family text while doing a bit of money fondling in the volt, it describing a method of healing involving mysticle chanting to the god gum while submerging in a bath of whisky, apparently glenfiddich works best.
so i would like to give it a go if you can hold of with all the crap you are wanting to dump on me the thought full donations of body bits, towards my rebuild and insisted ether send gift certificates or bottles of whisky i will give it a go.


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Just boot him, IMHO ...


A huge cheer for Scoosh! At last some helpful suggestions!


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> the crap you are wanting to dump on me


 
Such ingratitude. A ZX81 can be programmed to talk rubbish and make simple decisions*, the extra arms will be useful if you want to scratch mid-corner and all the thanks we get is this.

*Like eat food, pedal faster, drink beer**.
**And it won't flip the trike while trying to show off on two wheels!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> A huge cheer for Scoosh! At last some helpful suggestions!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> Such ingratitude. A ZX81 can be programmed to talk rubbish and make simple decisions*, the extra arms will be useful if you want to scratch mid-corner and all the thanks we get is this.
> 
> *Like eat food, pedal faster, drink beer**.
> **And it won't flip the trike while trying to show off on two wheels!!!!!!!!!


i will have you know i did a 90degreas turn off the main road at high speed on two wheels then swapped over to the other two wheels for a quick shimmy between a bus and parked car while picking up speed, i got a rousing cheer from all the alcahol soked neanderthals crowd out side the pub, i would have stopped and taken a bow but i just was hiving too much fun.


the zx would have to request fennel tea and calculate the most annoying way to ride while leading a ride, nothing flowing all stop and start with lots of pace changes.
as you know i have been trying to win the lottery as it looks like i will end up surplus to requirements soon, all the offerings and richual dancing, with the traditionalist balaclava helmet flying goggles one piece stripy swim suet replete with glitter covered Wellington boots have come to nothing, i think, i will have to purchase a ticket! first a short lay down in a darkened room with a damp cloth on for head.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Fennel tea is easy enough for the ZX81, however only if you are happy to ask for it in an obscure regional dialect of Romanian. As that appears to be your native language to anyone living South of the Humber I can see issues with getting them to accept an upgrade.
I do have an old Spectrum 64K which is far to good for the task in hand and has the issues well known to all owners and ex-owners of freezing up for no apparent reason. This could prove claiming you benefits difficult as a freeze up at the desk could be construed as dumb insolence and under the, as yet undisclosed*, Tory plans to Kettle and Tase anyone showing dissent and not showing great enthusiasm for the Big Con Society and Huge Pillock Great Leader. However EST is good for many brain complaints so maybe there would be a silver lining!

*See Also:- Plans for the State Funeral, including mass self flagellations and public crying, of the UK's first female PW.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

A short lay down? Is that like a not stand up? I am confusled.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> A short lay down? Is that like a not stand up? I am confusled.


It took a while but the _Cosimodo effect _has worked abandon hope all ye who enter here!
Wait till you not only confusled but obscurated and befuddled.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Forgot to mention discomnockaated , but as a YY type even the SBGG would spare you that particular 'fate worse than death'. Possibly!


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

I am known to be discombobulated, and also my gruntle has been dissed.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

I do not like to talk to about what happened to my cordwangle. I hasten to add that I try to avoid munging greebles. Furthermore I am not relative to Chiswick Flo.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> ..... Furthermore I am not relative related to Chiswick Flo.


FTFY


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

I have a sneaking supsicion that Scoosh knows not Chiswick Flo.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Everybody knows Chiswick Flo, get her ducky! 

Personally my cord has never been so wangled as it is today!


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

Have you got a wongler's moolie?

I hope this is not some crude statement in the vernacular of the modern day. 
Perhaps Mr Gruntfuttock will be along shortly to tell me.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

How can someone be a long shortly?


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> Have you got a wongler's moolie?
> 
> I hope this is not some crude statement in the vernacular of the modern day.
> Perhaps Mr Gruntfuttock will be along shortly to tell me.
> ...


 
Hope that clears it up, otherwise it's along past the Horsemeat shop to the all night chemists!


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

Byegad, I am indetted to you for the above advisement.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

It's all that and  that leads to the Chemists! Watch yourself young Sir-ess.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

Young? I think you may need a visit to the Hopticians.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

There will be a balding, ageing, slightly paunchy with a plumby voice along in a moment to read the answers to last week's questions.
I'll start.
1. No you can only get there after a court order.
Regarding the answer sent in by a listener. Whatever you're doing Mr Gruntfuttock, it's bound to be illegal, imoral or bad for your health, stop it at once or invite me around next time!
2. No the Bishop of London was in an entirely different film from the young lady we asked about. AND Don't worry I collected my umbrella the next day when I remembered where we met.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> Young? I think you may need a visit to the Hopticians.


I was being Chiver mouse.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> I was being Chiver *mouse*.


 
And very tasty you are were too!

nom nom


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Thereby hangs a tail, on the left side of your mouth.

NO! THE OTHER LEFT!


----------



## Speicher (6 Jan 2012)

Some people live very dangerously!


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2012)

Nah! NahNah Nah Nah Naah!




So there!


----------



## Scoosh (6 Jan 2012)

<goes to ignoramus corner>


<hangs his head by the postern>


----------



## byegad (7 Jan 2012)

Better than being hung by the moolies!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jan 2012)

though i believe it may be in southern it may put some of the ramblings in to context for the hard of thinking.
over to Rambling Syd Rumpo
Joe, he was a young cordwangler,
Munging greebles he did go,
And he loved a bogler's daughter
By the name of Chiswick Flo.

Vain she was and like a grusset
Though her gander parts were fine,
But she sneered at his cordwangle
As it hung upon the line.

So he stole a woggler's mooly
For to make a wedding ring,
But the Bow Street Runners caught him
And the judge said "He will swing."

Oh, they hung him by the postern,
Nailed his mooly to the fence
For to warn all young cordwanglers
That it was a grave offence.

There's a moral to this story,
Though your cordwangle be poor,
Keep your hands off other's moolies,
For it is against the law.

thank you Sid - i'm sure we are all the wiser for that sage advice


​and now for the news.. .... ..... .. ... ..
a slightly hunched figure, was seen last night dragging away a bronze 30ft statue, that was to be placed in front of the council buildings in Rotherham; the statue was a work from the same sculptor that "performed" the angel of the north, £35000 statue was awaiting erection ready for next weeks opening of the new building.
eye witnesses described how the black clad figure muttering unintelligible gibberish about revenge and social justice rolled the statue on to what was described as a large three wheeled bicycle contrivance and mad off.
the bandit was described as dressing like the caricature in the hit film v for vendetta, down to the guy fawkes mask.
police believe the sculpture was taken for randsome and are awaiting contact form the perpetrator.


----------



## n-ick (7 Jan 2012)

Yo Cosmodetta,
no, not original. Every pseudo cool dude is hiding under a mask like that. Tha' wants a true rubbery one, like Ed Millepede.

I hear that the high speed train link is to extended to Rawmarsh, have you plans to stand in it's way?


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jan 2012)

there was talk of brining is int' t' rovrem but the brand new, still to be completed station*, which has next to no parking and you have to drive through the one way system to get to , is on a line that can not be upgraded without stupid amounts of money; the old stations with large car park, with the duel carriageway running past is main entrance , in the large Victorian well equipped building was closed and is now a restaurant, on the main line which is already up to the high-speed link standard.

when in a previous post i mentioned having a lay down, this is slightly different, to having a not stand up, which can in fact be having a sit down; where as there is less ambiguity in, "i am to become horizontal". the aforementioned phrase is a statement of orientation rather than a intention to a say a recreational activity say, for instance celling darts**i will not cover "mouching about at" as it can be a bit brusen!


i did not ride today as it was a bit crap out, i still have no offer of a sponsored velomobile despite mentioning it to three people now.

* bleak wind tunnel that has rubbish asses and is freezing cold even in july .
** a extreme variant of darts with less drinking but the possibility of new and interesting body piercing.


----------



## byegad (7 Jan 2012)

The stalled glider* is on borrowed time.

The North East is suffering a vast amount of 'scrap' metal thefts and it can only be a matter of hours before two guys with a big angle grinder fell it and break it into Transit Open Back lumps to be sold, no questions asked at Gateshead and Newcastle scrap yards.

*Angel of the North to the arty farty crowd. Actually some rusting lump of scrap that was found in a shipyard and was too big to bury so they sold it to the stupid coonsel.


----------



## Speicher (7 Jan 2012)

Stupid counsel, is that like a diss twit counsel? 

Please note, Mark, that if it is crap out, please put it back. I now understand the difference between a not stand up, a horizontal and a sit down. However, please explain what you mean about new body piercing - whose body have you got?


----------



## byegad (8 Jan 2012)

No the Stupid Coonsel is where half the people work. As in:-





Q. How many people work for Durham Coonsel?










A. Aboot half of 'em. The rest are asleep.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> Stupid counsel, is that like a diss twit counsel?
> 
> Please note, Mark, that if it is crap out, please put it back. I now understand the difference between a not stand up, a horizontal and a sit down. However, please explain what you mean about new body piercing - whose body have you got?


i just have the one at the moment as the cloning tank is down for a bit of a service and tune up.

i have today filled in a application for a pigeon hole at one of the local call centres.
it is this or become a gigolo and look for a cougar, if i wear a eye patch it might add a hint of daring swashbuckling Johnny Depp ish ness.
Saturday i was hitting a brake disc with a hammer most of the day.
i was out for my rid this morning for 9am and had a good ride though it was on the warm side if a bit breeze.
the dog meat was out again the same ones is see quite often and they still go nuts when they see the trike, a ring pull tin is too good for them! the lady with the two Shetland pony's was out again on her trap it is quite funny to see as they are both very shaggy hired and short legs it looks like they should have skate boards under there belly to stop them dragging on the road.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Jan 2012)

tomorrow is another day! unless you read this later than that then it will be yesterday in which case you will totally have missed the point. you know i some times despair of you lot you just don't pay attention.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Jan 2012)

a maiden ride was had today no piping, abuse or rubbish overtaking! gosh it was good.


----------



## Scoosh (10 Jan 2012)

I trust the maiden found it as good.


----------



## Speicher (10 Jan 2012)

Scoosh said:


> I trust the maiden found it as good.


 
Yes, alledgedly she did, in fact... he bowled the maiden over!


----------



## Scoosh (10 Jan 2012)

As long as she was a wicket maiden and was either stumped by him or caught by his long on, I guess there are no boundaries, unless he went to deep cover to escape her silly mid off ...


----------



## Speicher (10 Jan 2012)

Aha! do you remember a bowler called Willey and the batsman called Holding?


----------



## Speicher (10 Jan 2012)

I wonder if Mark could score with a wicket Maiden, if she knows the rules?


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jan 2012)

the first rule of trike club is we do not talk about trike club.

i am expecting a horrendous ride tonight to make up for the calm moon lit, relaxing one last night.
even the heifers lowing and passing wind in the fields was sublime.


----------



## byegad (10 Jan 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> a maiden ride was had today no piping, abuse or rubbish overtaking! gosh it was good.


 



If you ride a maiden surely she isn't one any more? So you can't do it.


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2012)

We are approaching the next page so I'll ask it.




"Will you still love me when I'm 64"






As the Beatles sang in 1967.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Jan 2012)

no...yes....maybe hhhhhhoooooo no it is the presenile dementia!
can you get ointment for it?

today was all about carrots, carrot sticks actually and rubber bands.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Jan 2012)

as predicted the twits were out tonight, hanging out of car windows shouting, horns going off galore i even had one pull up along side while going up the longest steepest climb to tell me how nuts i am.

i will be caching up with correspondence this week so will send of a letter to cold stream via racing snail post.
or i could do one of them six degrees of separation things and just give it to the first person i see tomorrow, save on a stamp as well.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Jan 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> ....
> 
> today was all about carrots, carrot sticks actually and rubber bands.


Is this an attempt to aid the night vision ? 

Carrots to eat  ; carrot sticks to hold the eyes open  (even Santa knows that matchsticks are an elfin safety matter); rubber bands to assist the locomotion


----------



## Speicher (11 Jan 2012)

Simpson's Index of Diversity
What was a mouse called before it was called a mouse?
People can be down for being upstairs.
There was a thin bit, that was very thick.



I also created two Wednesdays the 26ths of Junes 2010.
I was able to see round a corner and into the future, as well. 
In 2007 I have created some amendments to 2010.


----------



## Speicher (12 Jan 2012)

Is everyone ignoring me? Is it something I said?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jan 2012)

no


Speicher said:


> Is everyone ignoring me? Is it something I said?


we just don't understand the non boy  way of thinking, it might be a brain hemispherical lack of communication on my part so don't read too much in to it, as i don't understand 90% of humanity 83.56342% of the time, roughly back of the envelope calculation there; though i did it on my note book, but i understand this saying used in common parlance, though why specify a envelope alludes me some what.

today was a not ride day, i just came home and had a not stand up all evening; i lay like broccoli and cogitated repeatedly. on the nature of things like disc brake; disc de wobbling, a noble in-devour i find and the lack of elasticity in cheddar cheese until it is melted sufficiently.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Jan 2012)

With the up coming cold snap, it is time to service the woollen under wear, by this point most of us will have put some mileage on it, so mid season service will be a good practice. A thorough visual inspection, re lard and beet with a stick is all that is needed.

There is a chance of the roads becoming slippery a tin of sand to sprinkle under the back tyre while hill climbing or good gloves for knuckle propulsion for lower trikes, Mr Bygad Fitz peregrine-potsbelsh III, has one of the staff who normally walks in front with the red flag do this for him.
Spiked tyres are good but when running over ikle dogs may course them to stick to the tyre and get wedged bringing you to a sudden stop, poking remains of the dog out with a stick while fending of the owners may be problematic, again this could be done by ones gentleman’s, gentleman. 


The proclivities of the trikeanort the woollen sock this is a bit of a red herring the sandal clad trikeanort will some times be seen sporting woollen socks but not exclusively a poly cotton mix is also see especially with a plad pattern.
 The airobelly is essential for proper air flow cohesion, the airobelly deficient can now get a prosthetic belly from Mr bygad, trike accessory development co, bygad towers, dribbling swamp end, back end of nowhere. He can often be seen sporting one of the top of the line carbon fibre racing bellies.
All requests for the current caterlog can be made on a £20 note to me. There is a wide range of products available including those hard to find back to front rain jackets and good quality carrier bag / feet rain covers.


----------



## byegad (13 Jan 2012)

I think it's just you are both crackers.


----------



## Speicher (13 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> I think it's just you are both crackers.


 

Byegad you say the nicest things.
I prefer rice cakes but still. Nice rice cakes, tho, Kallo mature cheese and chive if you please.


----------



## byegad (13 Jan 2012)

Well you can have some nice cheese on each other now.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Jan 2012)

i do like a bit of Gorgonzola.

i went out on the usual ride today and was hoping for some drifting but alas it was not to be, the best bends were frost free.i did have some wheel spin climbing the steepest hill though not enough to prevent me getting to the top, i may have to think about getting a tyre with a bit of tread if there is any snow.

the hill work seems to be strengthening my legs hip as i have been doing some hi gear hill climbing. this is good for the bones apparently, though can be hard work, as i am now riding the biggest hill around here i will have to start to go back down the hills and ride them again to get the benefit.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Jan 2012)

It sounds as if THE RECOVERY is going well. 

Be warned : this could lead to you being required to spend less time in a not-standing-but-not-lying position and could be harmful to your (full-time cycling) health


----------



## Speicher (15 Jan 2012)

I have found some loud speakers in the clutter in this house. Try as I might I cannot hear what they are trying to say.


----------



## byegad (15 Jan 2012)

Probably. 'Beam me up Scotty.'


----------



## Speicher (15 Jan 2012)

How did you know? That is very spocky. I was watching Star Trek this afternoon.


----------



## byegad (15 Jan 2012)

That would be telling! You are under our control! Whoo! Hoo!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2012)

quick put the tinfoil hat back on it stops them reading your mind, i have been looking through my h: drive at the office and found some fond remembrances. when sweeping for bugs/ hidden cameras always remember the moose head that was a gift from the Russian embassy, like the one in CIA head office that was transmitting for 3 years undetected.


my firs memo, the list of requierd induction training* a email in my naivety asking for a requisition form b3/156 like that was ever going to happen.

it is the season of the frozen tash, some helpful hints on top lip quaffing remember in frosty weather the level of bees wax can be doped in ones tash wax to help with suppleness and that just brushed feel. no one needs jabbing in the eye with a hard pointy tash end.

*i expect to complete this soon i have only been there 15 years


----------



## byegad (16 Jan 2012)

No need for the tin hat unless you have any thoughts.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Jan 2012)

last night was the night of the frozen brake cable, but a bit warmer tonight so all was good.

thinking can be dangerous, you start getting volunteerd for things when you show you can think, keep your head down and gob shut  let the boss think he runs things.

i have not seen a not boy out on a bike for a long time just some thing i was thinking as i was trundling along, i have only see 5 df bikes in the last two weeks come to think on iti wonder what they are all doing?

i tried walking forward five steps and then back five steps today to see if i ended up in the same place, well relative to a spinning planet that is. the results were inconclusive.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2012)

Fair few riders out in my neck of the woods. Like me they seem to pop out for a ride whenever the weather is passable. It's remarkable how many rides I get in at this time of the year.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2012)

By the way.

We need to hurry to page 65. If we get there oon the thread will get its old age pension. If we tarry we'll need to get to page 66. 67, 68 or 101!


----------



## Scoosh (18 Jan 2012)

NOT 101 !!!

As in Room ... now that would be tragic 

... if it were permitted


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2012)

Phew!

Made it and got our pension before the government put the age up again!

Now gang how will we spend our ill gotten gains?

I vote we blow it all on beer!


----------



## Speicher (18 Jan 2012)

I think today I saw more not boys on bicycles, than boys. Some of the not boys  were accompanied by little peeps in covered trailers. Some were accompanied by small animals with waggy tails. I also saw the van that contains the Ice Cream tricycle.


----------



## Speicher (18 Jan 2012)

As a not boy  I could have claimed my pension two pages back.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> As a not boy  I could have claimed my pension two pages back.


not fair equality in all things i say not boys should have to wait until they are 70 like the rest of us.

i have had movement in my managements! about mid morning; i am still flushed from all the activity . training for what i donot know starts tomorrow morning, in  "peks and pins"?!?!?!?! something to do with generating invoices?!?!?!?! that i have never heard of, i will be having a performance review in the afternoon and a meeting after that. so after six months of teporary phone ping pong "hello yes, yes, yes, we dont deal with that you need department x y z ok bye" they have decided partly what i am doing though i dont need to know what that is . and every thing will happen in two days its like being in the sodding army. without all those cute manly uniforms, that would make me look fantastical handsome and dashing.


----------



## Speicher (19 Jan 2012)

I am disappointed that I will not be seeing you in uniform. I am, however, not ready to decide if it will make you dashingly handsome. How long will I need to wait?


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jan 2012)

i think the home front will begin in about a year when the revolting French try to take over Europe, remember dont tell them your name pike!


----------



## Speicher (19 Jan 2012)

The German Submarine commander was Welsh, I recall. (Philip Madoc) I would agree he was very handsome.


----------



## byegad (19 Jan 2012)

Speicher said:


> I am disappointed that I will not be seeing you in uniform. I am, however, not ready to decide if it will make you dashingly handsome. How long will I need to wait?


 
Get your eyes checked, FAST!


----------



## Speicher (19 Jan 2012)

Whooooshsshhh

Yes, got eyes checked. How fast is that? 

New speckles will arrive early next week.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2012)

This none bot/none girl thing is getting confusing.

Girls wear lumpy jumpers* and dance backwards and boys wear none lumpy jumpers and dance forwards. Am I right?

* I suspect Lady Byegad slips her used lumpy jumpers into my wardrobe when the lumps slip down far enough and coalesce. That would explain the fact that I haven't seen my knees when standing up for some time.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jan 2012)

Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels!


This morning I nearly had to fill in an incident report when someone was nearly hit on the head by the hungry caterpillar.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Jan 2012)

as it has been very windy i did the big hills today, it was quite good; not a lot of miles but some good steep hills.

if a lumpy jumper is not a boy and not a multi lumpy or mono lumpy jumper is a boy who is in the gorilla costume? to figer that one out you have to wait until they go to the lavatory, the not boys go in twos to give each other a leg up as they tend to be shorter than boys. i think that is the only difference

i once had to fill in a accident report when one of the deep thinkers, decided to bleed the air out of his radiator as his office was cold, he removed the screw at the top of the radiator that filed up with red hot water and started spurting out all over the book case full of expensive law books, so he put a finger over the end of the radiator, in the end we managed to turn the water off at the valve, he had 8 badly burned fingers and 1 thumb in the end.
gosh i wish i was one of the mega minds on the top floor, they are terrific, always coming up with fantastic ideas .


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jan 2012)

i totally wimpeded out today, as it was very cold and windy. tomorrow it is the inquisition the HR they make the Spanish inquisitors look like amatory wimps.
i will hopefully finely get some idea what they have decided to do with me. help.... i want my mummy!


----------



## Scoosh (22 Jan 2012)

I'm sure, if you show HR your SBGG figure and visage, they will crumple and be like putty in your hands. [best leave the skull-and-crossbones behind this time - you can jolly roger them later]

They'll probably give you a rise in pay  and ask you to use your 3-wheeled advertising wagon to extol their virtue to all and sundry (even though it will be mondry by then).


----------



## byegad (23 Jan 2012)

Scoosh said:


> I'm sure, if you show HR your SBGG figure and visage, they will crumple and be like putty in your hands. [best leave the skull-and-crossbones behind this time - you can jolly roger them later]
> 
> They'll probably give you a rise in pay  and ask you to use your 3-wheeled advertising wagon to extol their virtue to all and sundry (even though it will be mondry by then).


 
On the other hand they may recoil in revulsion and decide to get you another role. If they do don't ask for a Tuna roll as they are stuffed with Mayonnaise and Dolphin.
Apparently Old Mad Fred of Holmfirth has died and the job of Village Idiot is up for grabs. Alternatively, maybe you could get a grant and become a travelling performance artist? You would just be expected to ride 30 miles a day, five days a week. After a full year you'd be nearly 4000 miles away and so an SEP*.

*SEP? Somebody else's problem.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2012)

all went well...... praise was heaped on my achievements and a shine new job has been created* i am to be .....* The Admin Guru*** part time at my request, so i can pursue my other interests, get my feet up a bit ie trike 


*short fat manager stands on the conference table and with a flourish shouted, behold creation and rubber stamped my transfer card.
** a crack team of ninja admin specialist, trawling the central admin pit, looking for problems, encouraging staff(i already know where i can lay my hands on a riding crop) set the tempo of the drums ect.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2012)

All Hail the New Guru ! 

Now an SBGGG  ! (or maybe even an SBGGAG ) A triple G, no less  !!!


----------



## Speicher (23 Jan 2012)

For the SBGGG

Does that mean you are now a trouble maker shooter?


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2012)

Does that mean you'll be wearing a saffron robe and carry the Castanets of office at all times?


----------



## Scoosh (24 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> Does that mean you'll be wearing a black leather suit, boots, studded gloves, black pvc cap  and carry the  whip  of office at all times?


FTFY

His usual office attire, then.


----------



## Speicher (24 Jan 2012)

Have they given you the keys to the stationary cupboard. Please do not try to move it, it should stay where it is. 

Once the cupboard is unlocked you can give your underlings the following:

a paper clip round the ear
an empty box around the ears

If you get a folder you could keep it safely in there. Always providing there is room, you might need to take the wheels off first.

Or you could give your underlings your stamp of approval.
What will your staple diet be now?

Letters be the first to know your plans.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2012)

Get some signs made. I've a few suggestions.
1. This door should be left closed at all times. (Attach this to any wall, preferably near the boss's office.)
2. Stationary will only be given out on Mondays between 8.00am and 7.59am.
3. Please do not read this Notice.
4. Unaccompanied adults should not be left in this corridor.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2012)

Forgot to ask.

Can you let me have 3 million paper clips for Mrs Byegad's paperless office?


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Jan 2012)

byegad said:


> Forgot to ask.
> 
> Can you let me have 3 million paper clips for Mrs Byegad's paperless office?


 

we went paperless office five years ago, you now see people carrying box folders around with them with all the bit of paper in them that they do not use and have not printed off  because every thing is now scand in to the computer at the post room, the original is then filed in the warm storage, in a building across town where it may move in to cold file or hot depending on certain criteria. if you need it immediately it will be lost, found, lost in transit then some one will put it on a desk in your section, where it will be picked up and put in the central admi pile as we are now operating a hot desk/ clean desk policy so if you leave your desk for more than 45 mins it will be cleard .

every one now prints off there bum covering e mails as the network keeps running out of room and every ones archive limit keeps going down. i think we are now using more paper that we are a paperless office than before!

as there are no fixed work stations now you see people wondering around like new York bag lady's with small suitcases on wheels. i think some people just swipe there entry card then wonder around all day for the exorcise and company then do there work at home when they have clocked off.

as SBGG-G specialist in deadering i will be going with the long black leather coat idiom, the limp and silver handled cane will enhance the effect. i am auditioning derisive laughs, chuckles and sneers, in the manic dictator catalogue. but i must admit to being smitten by the mad scientist bumper starter kit . 

i did the short hilly ride again tonight in the fog and mist, coming up the back lane which is a long steep climb with the owls hooting in the wood was fantastic, i did practice my evil laugh on a cow looking over a gate, it did not look very impressed so it might need working on.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Jan 2012)

gosh it was foggy last night for my hill ride, this made me think of the old hammer house of horror films Dracula, Dracula the return "second bite" ect. what about the hole evening dress red silk lined cape thing i have some wery wibrant vaist Coates i dont eat pork but i love garlic and there vill be buxom damsels not manning the phones.
the ewil laugh is coming on, vell it makes the dog nerwes.


----------



## byegad (25 Jan 2012)

Vot are you talking about? Count Alucard is dead and gorn! The local peasantry ate him alive after the incident with the seven virgins ladies of uncertain virtue.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Jan 2012)

aaaaaaaaaarrrgg aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggg fliping *AAAAAaaaarg* *one p!lock shouting out of a car window, i did tell him exactly what i thought of him as he was stuck in traffic at the end of the road. the one revving his engine 2"of my back wheel also got full venting of my spleen as i pulled up in the middle of the road in-front of him for best effect.*

why cant i have a big red button "click boom" car in bits.


----------



## byegad (27 Jan 2012)

Cool down old chap! I still think the manic waving, that goes on far too long, and silly grin is the best response to a shouter. I pulled up alongside one last week and said; 'Oh! You're not Jack! He has a car just like this and when you shouted hello* I was sure you were him.' I thought he was going to die of embarrassment as he mumbled an inaudible reply. 

* He definitely hadn't shouted hello, more like Whahhhhh!


----------



## Speicher (27 Jan 2012)

What about "Oh you're not my grandfather (or grandmother in the case of non boy  ). He/she has a car just like this".


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jan 2012)

OOOOOOOMMMMMMM soggy mattress OOOOOOOOmmmmmm soggy mattress oooooommmm soggy mattress, i think it is working.
i am now one with the universe, i will do a bit of breathing into a air bed, i like the way it makes me dizzy like being drunk without the hang over.

*FREE Adult and Family Cycle Training for RMBC Employees.*

All Rotherham Council Employees and their families are now eligible for a FREE one or two hour cycle training session with the council’s cycle training provider Pedal Ready. 

With the move of many town centre staff to Riverside House now is a good time to try cycling to work, or just for leisure and benefit from improved health and fitness levels. Also save money, especially with the rising cost of fuel, and do your bit for the environment. 

The FREE cycle training sessions can be held for anyone- from beginners to experienced cyclists, on a one to one basis, in groups or with your family, and at a time and place to suit you.

Pedal Ready will give hints and tips on riding on the road along the routes you want to ride, to improve confidence and skills.

If you don’t have a bike RMBC have a limited number of bikes you can borrow. There’s even an opportunity to test ride the very latest electric bikes!

Free cycle training places are limited so for further information and to book a training session contact Pedal Ready: 

this should be fun

i like the bit about electric bikes, some of the regular cyclists are trying to get a buddy system for the newbs so they can rid with some one to work how is confident in't trufic happy with the cut n thrust of today's extreme commuting.

OOOOOOOmmmmm soggy mattress oooooommmm soggy mattress.


----------



## byegad (28 Jan 2012)

Soggy Mattress? Not te old trouble back, again!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jan 2012)

its chanting tha knows like them foreign types do int' monastery's an spin old logs around with stuff carved on em. one with the cosmos and all that.

tomorrow is the anniversary of my becoming a borg.* i will be making a pilgrimage to the sight of my down fall to light a candle and make ritual offerings of a vegetarian sausage sandwich and a glass of cranberry juice.
over the year i have faced some challenges, huge bowls of lumpy porridge, challenging job changes, learning the finer points of walking like a Igor, slight discomfort/ pain** and thousands of miles on the trike to get fit again. the cold weather recently has put a bit of a strain on this but i am hopeing to get the mileage back up again soon.


*i like chocolate and g&t or single malt, hint hint i promise to act surprised if there is a party see i am good at acting.
**as you know I don't like to talk about it but, i could give you a list, if requested in writing with a self addressed stamped envelope is provided.


----------



## byegad (29 Jan 2012)

Anyone hear something? Everything's gone quiet. Maybe it's the Yorkshire selective deafness gene cutting in because someone wants some thing for nothing.


----------



## Speicher (29 Jan 2012)

Chocolate and single malt together in a glass?  Is that with ice?

I think I would need to try that combination before packaging some to send north by northnorthwestwards. It would need to be a very speedy delivery in order to arrive before the ice melted.


----------



## byegad (29 Jan 2012)

Don't use Royal Mail unless you want it to arrive fully frozen solid because it will arrive with the next Ice Age.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jan 2012)

coincidently it is my ikle lads birthday as well, i was a wear he had been whitering on about some thing.
the single malt is for a trifle i am making the chocolate is to be grated on top, it is to a recipe handed down to me by my gran. there is a ritualistic curse one must recite over the finished trifle before serving it is quite long but boils down to "i will not use the single malt for trifle as that is what sherry was invented for". i think my grand dad jotted it down at some time.


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2012)

Single Malts, all of them are lovingly crafted by kind men in skirts and the final product is overlooked by an ancient Gonegal complete with a palate trained from an early age to ensure the final product is as good as it can be. It should be savoured and appreciated with reverence and never, ever, EVER be adulterated with anything else in the glass but some more single malt. Your Granny has it right.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jan 2012)

i will be presented with a dongle tomorrow, i hope it dose not hurt! i will have to get it out every day when i go to the new office i might end up being late as i will wait while no one is around to waggle it at the door 
it will be cold later in the week so i am going to be using the woollen under garments again and a ginger wig made from lama wool.


----------



## Speicher (31 Jan 2012)

Do be very careful where your dongle gets dangled! If you get it tangled you could end up with a tingle where you do not want a tingle.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Jan 2012)

faze one is a smart card  i got a lanyard as well, i may let you have a go with it if your nice it is awfully exciting; i some times twirl it around
we will be assessed next week to see if we are up to having a dongle, if we are found not to need one for reasons of mobility but your still not up to the half mile walk to the multi story car park you can have one for £45 a month this is to park underneath the office block 
it is a bit like when the mine owners used to make the workers pay for the blasting powder they used to work the mine.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Jan 2012)

How smart is the smart card ? 

Can it explain :
- the meaning of life ?​- the laws of thermodynamics ?​- the ways of a man with a young girl ?​- why a SBGGAG needs one ?​ 
If it can't, I'd ask for a refund.


----------



## Speicher (31 Jan 2012)

I am always very nice.


----------



## byegad (1 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> I am always very nice.


 
Not what I've heard!


----------



## Scoosh (1 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> Not what I've heard!


Oooh - Go on ! 

Tell us, tell us !


----------



## Speicher (1 Feb 2012)

There is only one person who is currently a regular on this forum who has met me and can confirm how nice I am. I can confirm that he is handsome, intelligent and tall.

Oh, did I mention he is handsome and good-looking?


----------



## byegad (1 Feb 2012)

I don't remember meeting you. When was that?


----------



## Speicher (1 Feb 2012)

How tall are you?


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Feb 2012)

gossip and rumour abound 

i did a pre-emptive reconnoitre of facilities there is a secure cycle cage with stands for over 100 bikes showers and mesh lockers for kit all very posh.
the key pad entry door to the under office cycle store, is wide enough for the ice q in full touring kit* with a fenced off path to the storage cage so it can not be blocked by cars; i will take some pics next week. at £45 a month in parking charges to take the car in the cycle facilities will get some use, how much remain to be seen. some of us are offering to ride with people how are not that confident on the road. as some of you know being a timid pootler my self the company will be welcome, strength in numbers and all that .


*screen, mobility scooter proof rear storage pods/ kitchen bins.


----------



## Speicher (1 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> gossip and rumour abound
> 
> i did a pre-emptive reconnoitre of facilities there is a secure cycle cage with stands for over 100 bikes showers and mesh lockers for kit all very posh.
> the key pad entry door to the under office cycle store, is wide enough for the ice q in full touring kit* with a fenced off path to the storage cage so it can not be blocked by cars; i will take some pics next week. at £45 a month in parking charges to take the car in the cycle facilities will get some use, how much remain to be seen. some of us are offering to ride with people how are not that confident on the road. as some of you know being a timid pootler my self the company will be welcome, strength in numbers and all that .
> ...


 
Is there also room for your sticky outty bits?


----------



## Speicher (1 Feb 2012)

Or your dangly outty bits that stick?



Those sticky outty dangly bits  ... you know what I mean...


----------



## Tigerbiten (2 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> At £45 a month in parking charges to take the car in the cycle facilities will get some use, how much remain to be seen.


If it's £45 a month to take a car in, how much is it for a bike ??????????


----------



## Scoosh (2 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> gossip and rumour abound
> 
> i did a pre-emptive reconnoitre of facilities there is a secure cycle cage with stands for over 100 bikes showers and mesh lockers for kit all very posh.
> the key pad entry door to the under office cycle store, is wide enough for the ice q in full touring kit* with a fenced off path to the storage cage so it can not be blocked by cars; i will take some pics next week. at £45 a month in parking charges to take the car in the cycle facilities will get some use, how much remain to be seen. some of us are offering to ride with people how are not that confident on the road. as some of you know being a timid pootler my self the company will be welcome, strength in numbers and all that .
> ...


All sounds good and positive providing :

they are good enough to pass the Bygad Towers quality control standard  
....for an SBGGAG
the keypad can be reached from a not-standing position on a trike  
there is only 'reasonable force' used in the cage, if fighting should occur (eg over parking spaces - some of the newer cyclists might forget they are now part of civilisation and revert to moton attitudes over parking  )
Will 250, 23594,49603834076,37068464038476.984659204876 be enough strength for you ???
​​


----------



## Speicher (2 Feb 2012)

I think you will find that 250, 23594,49603834076,37068464038476.984659204876 is a considerable underestimationment of SBGGAG's strength, and needs to be increased by a factor of threefold.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Feb 2012)

Scoosh said:


> All sounds good and positive providing :
> 
> they are good enough to pass the Bygad Towers quality control standard
> ....for an SBGGAG
> ...


the key pad is reachable from the not stand op position but then you have to pull the door open so the operation has to be done studedup.
as my sticky out dangly bits are as long as the trike is wide they will fit and they will bend if needed.
the parking will be interesting if any one acts remotely the way they do in the car park, my hand bike and trikes will take up the space of at least two bikes so will in effect be the 4x4 blocking the hole thing up, but it is ok as i will have the park any were lights on (hazard warning lights).
"Will 250, 23594,49603834076,37068464038476.984659204876 be enough strength for you ???" i can crush walnuts betwixt my buttocks and have the thighs of Zeus a spring loaded door hold no fear for a SBGGG! unless it is windy or there is ice.


----------



## byegad (2 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> gossip and rumour abound
> 
> i did a pre-emptive reconnoitre of facilities there is a secure cycle cage with stands for over 100 bikes showers and mesh lockers for kit all very posh.
> the key pad entry door to the under office cycle store, is wide enough for the ice q in full touring kit* with a fenced off path to the storage cage so it can not be blocked by cars; i will take some pics next week. at £45 a month in parking charges to take the car in the cycle facilities will get some use, how much remain to be seen. some of us are offering to ride with people how are not that confident on the road. as some of you know _*being a timid pootler my self*_ the company will be welcome, strength in numbers and all that .
> ...


 
You ride it like you stole it. You're mad you are!


----------



## byegad (2 Feb 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Oooh - Go on !
> 
> Tell us, tell us !


A Gentleman never tells. However I'm not a gentleman so for a small charge, say £30 I could be persuaded to make something up tell all.


----------



## Speicher (2 Feb 2012)

Can I bribe you Byegad with homemade treacle sponge*, rhubard crumble or scones with cream and jam?

It is noteworthy that when I once made the above-mentionned treacle sponge, my brother described it as a treacle mountain. I hasten to add that was with reference to its size and not its consistency.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> Can I bribe you Byegad with homemade treacle sponge*, rhubard crumble or scones with cream and jam?
> 
> It is noteworthy that when I once made the above-mentionned treacle sponge, my brother described it as a treacle mountain. I hasten to add that was with reference to its size and not its consistency.


how didi you know the way to bribe a byegad is through the airobelly hump.


----------



## Speicher (2 Feb 2012)

I venture to suggest that the same methodology could be used to bribe a SBGGG, and a Scoosh.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Feb 2012)

Bribing a Scoosh ??  The very thought !!!!!! 

The Scoosh is more a Pictish version of a SBGG - a PWWL** and has little interest in mere trifles of treacle spongue, crumbling rudebarb - or even scones. (Mrs Scoosh  makes the best scones  this side of 'The North' )


** Peely-Wally White Lump


----------



## byegad (3 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> how didi you know the way to bribe a byegad is through the airobelly hump.


Sorry I only accept folding money with at least one zero after the other number.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Feb 2012)

a parcel of tinned haggis is money in the bank; treacle sponge can be sticky and scotch guard overalls should be warn to prevent adhesion and the only way to eat a mango is stood in the sink naked with a shower cap on.


----------



## byegad (3 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> a parcel of tinned haggis is money in the bank; treacle sponge can be sticky and scotch guard overalls should be warn to prevent adhesion and the only way to eat a mango is stood in the sink naked with a shower cap on.


 
I'm now awaiting my brain care specialist calling me back to try and erase that mental picture from my mind!


----------



## Scoosh (3 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> I'm now awaiting my brain care specialist calling me back to try and erase that mental picture from my mind!


It is also incorrect incomplete .

Some mangos (eg _sabre_ variety  ) should only be eaten in the bath, so the juice can run up the arms ...


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2012)

NURSE! NURSE! NURSE! 
The voices have come back and are being disgusting again. Helppppppp!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Feb 2012)

Scoosh said:


> It is also incorrect incomplete .
> 
> Some mangos (eg _sabre_ variety  ) should only be eaten in the bath, so the juice can run up the arms ...


good idea , being well endowed with thick lustrous chest hair i do find it getting mated with the juice, i could just turn the shower on but when i am sat in the sink eating a mango i can just wash the pots at the same time and save on water so it is a bit of a quandary as witch is best.

i went and dropped off my lap to at the new office, to gain entry via the bike door you need to contact hr up to a week before you are going to use it to get a personal entry code, why we dont use the swipe cards like fore every other door in the building i have no idea the door opens out, so of course the key pad is on the hinged side so as you open the door you are left with a small gap to squeeze through to get to the left hand side of the door to get your bike, it is hard to explain but the door hinges are on the wrong side to make using the door smooth and trouble free. as it is now there will be some bikes dropped on the floor, unless the have the correct number of wheels that is.

it was just starting to snow when i came in from today's ride, a more reclining seat is defiantly warmer and the back to front cheep water proof jacket performed well the hood used as a face shield was a big plus.

byegad there is a copy of mango eaters monthly in the post the cover is of me in mid mango, if you pay the yearly subscription no more will be delivered.


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> good idea , being well endowed with thick lustrous chest hair *i do find it getting mated with the juice*, i could just turn the shower on but when i am sat in the sink eating a mango i can just wash the pots at the same time and save on water so it is a bit of a quandary as witch is best.
> 
> i went and dropped off my lap to at the new office, to gain entry via the bike door you need to contact hr up to a week before you are going to use it to get a personal entry code, why we dont use the swipe cards like fore every other door in the building i have no idea the door opens out, so of course the key pad is on the hinged side so as you open the door you are left with a small gap to squeeze through to get to the left hand side of the door to get your bike, it is hard to explain but the door hinges are on the wrong side to make using the door smooth and trouble free. as it is now there will be some bikes dropped on the floor, unless the have the correct number of wheels that is.
> 
> ...


 
*The Hairy Juice monster is created this way.*

_Well worth the money. Who will volunteer to pay it for me? _


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Feb 2012)

slick tyres and snow dont work 
string raped around the tyre and rim do for a bit, sort of.
the next copy of the mag is going to the printers next week. this month "other dribbley fruit i have tried" the centre fold is in full colourer.


----------



## Speicher (5 Feb 2012)

Remind them to be very careful where they put the staples in the centre fold. You do not want any unexpected piercings in odd places. 

Oooh err...well you might want piercings in odd places, but I do not really want to know about them, do I?


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Feb 2012)

i have set off the detectors in airports for a number of years now.


----------



## Speicher (5 Feb 2012)




----------



## byegad (6 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> slick tyres and snow dont work
> string *raped* around the tyre and rim do for a bit, sort of.
> the next copy of the mag is going to the printers next week. this month "other dribbley fruit i have tried" the centre fold is in full colourer.


 
First unnatural mating and now rape. This thread is going downhill!


----------



## Speicher (6 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> First unnatural mating and now rape. This thread is going downhill!


 
The next thing will be SBGGG talking about the fruit on his loins!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Feb 2012)

SBGGG like down hill, it go wwwwwwweeeeeee.

wrapped string around the front wheel of the hand bike but i get wheel slip some times on dry roads going up hill so i am not hoping for much. 
first day in the new office today, it feels like i had to walk miles, i am taking a flask in tomorrow and working on building bladder capacity, so i can cut down on the mileage. 
i will take the pics tomorrow of the cage and changing rooms all very posh there are wire cage type lockers but no provision drying for wet clothing or towels.


----------



## byegad (6 Feb 2012)

What you need is a minion for fetching tea, going to the toilet and the like. I'm surprised you haven't asked for one!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Feb 2012)

a bit of planing, i took a flask in and got passing people to fill it up when they were going that way, i have moved to the desk in the far end near the toilet, as a lot of people have to go past me to get to or from them i can grab some one. so today i have cut down a lot on the walking; i may have to take the wheel chair as i am still suffering by the end of the day.


----------



## byegad (8 Feb 2012)

An office full of minions. You must be like a pig in sh... very happy!


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Feb 2012)

all the bikes in the cage belong to the council and have not been used for the last two months





there are 10 showers, the only lockers in use belong to the 3 envoro wardens.


----------



## byegad (9 Feb 2012)

You can lead a horse to water but you need a bird in the hand!

Something like that anyway.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Feb 2012)

some of the best bike facilities i have seen, in a town that hate and despise cycling
they even have some electric bikes all you have to do is book one out on long term lone, no one has even had a go on one let alone booked one out.


----------



## byegad (10 Feb 2012)

Happy Birthday to us,
Happy Birthday to us,
Happy Birthday SBGGs thread,
Happy Birthday to us!

Three cheers for the SBGG

Hip, hip!


----------



## psmiffy (10 Feb 2012)

Hooray


----------



## Speicher (10 Feb 2012)

It is a smidgeon early for , so  instead, with cake?


----------



## Scoosh (10 Feb 2012)

My, how fast they grow up**. 


** this is surely a relative term, more to do with the amount of verbiage than any perceived - or even known - time scale 


Is there any further talk of THE RECOVERY  or has all hope been lost ? 

Has n-ick given up in despair ?

Log on at a time to suit you to find out the answers to these 'you couldn't make it up if you tried' tales ....


----------



## byegad (10 Feb 2012)

Nick passed away, through terminal despair, some time back. The Recovery is on hold and my brain care specialist says this thread is bad for my mental health.

It was a full year ago we started this oddity odyssey drivel and still limping along. We've picked up some female support along the way. My wife says she'll wear it always. Some male followers, I hope they're following the SBGG and not me! We've also disturbed several people along the way and all because our Sun Bronzed Geek God has funny bones and fell over while attempting a double Salchow on his bike. That he failed is no surprise as I witnessed his one wheel and rear rack manoeuvre* into the hedge on his Trice at York Rally. Oh for a camera running *that* day!

*OK it was _supposed_ to be a two wheel trick riding exhibition but the final performance was stunningly funny, I had to change my trousers when we got back to the Knavesmire.

Sadly there seems to be no end to this thread. Hope you are all well and able to sleep at nights.

Byegad.


----------



## Speicher (10 Feb 2012)

Along the way, have you found any male support? 

It was a only a double salchow, not a triple salchow with double lutz?

Truth being strangerer to fixion, there is also a move in Nice Skating called a "Walley".
 I am cognisant that our esteamed SBGGG would not attempt to be a Walley.


----------



## byegad (10 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> Along the way, have you found any male support?
> 
> It was a only a double salchow, not a triple salchow with double lutz?
> 
> ...


 
I gather he likes his Lutz single with cream.


----------



## byegad (10 Feb 2012)

As to male support. Thankfully I don't need one. Unless I try to lift my wallet.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2012)

as it is a year ago in a drug induced semi cognisant state that i started the tale of my long hard trek back to demi god hood. i think a summery is in order of the years ups and downs, yes there were downs and ups, some hobbling side ways shuffles mixed in with the ups and downs errrrr i sort of lost were i was going with that
any way i can now walk very fast in a anti clockwise direction, mount small curbs with a mighty grunt and point at things while looking quizzical.
as the office is so large i decided to take a wheel chair in it has made life a lot better and it unnerves the mangier when he is talking to me and i bop it up on to two wheels and sit there reclining.
this week i have only ridden Monday night as i have had a almost terminal bought of man flu i will remove the red cross from the front door next week.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2012)

thank you every one* for you support* messages of encouragement* and offers of help*. i would not be the SBGG i am today without you all*









* except bygad


----------



## Scoosh (10 Feb 2012)

The SBGGGAG, surely ?

It's been an amusing - at times surreal - year, following the path to RECOVERY of the SBGG. We end the year with an elevation (which I believe to be a higher state of not-sitting-down) of the SBGG to an SBGGAG. 

Would that we could all add an AG to our forms of address, except for byegad, of course . I mean byegadag would be a bit ... well ... superfluous wouldn't it ? What _would_ the staff make of it ?


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Feb 2012)

as a GMB trade union work place rep i sent through a lard recommendation that byegad towers be the next recruiting ground. all the down trodden lard staff would love to be represented*
i am trying to get a group of lard riders together for the bike buddys my first ride in buddy will receive 3 prozack, a "i have ridden with the SBGG sticker" and the privilege of purchasing my first cup of tea and giving me lard a piggy back up to the fourth floor**

each week i think i will do a new report on the number of ankles i have mashed up with my foot rests, toes i have bust running over them and the amount of damage i have done to the building***. so far in two days i have taken the corner off one "pod, this is a room plonked in the middle of the floor at a jornty angle, effectively making a chicane and stopping me from getting any momentum up" committed carnage on one of the door frames and broken a lift.
i ride a wheelchair like i do a trike still working on getting it up on one wheel when cornering around the copier...er are they expensive? 




*not mr bygad
**for the extra work out, i lard dont work on the forth floor but i like to look out of the window up there before coming back down to the second floor to look out of my window. 
***the tax payers of rotherham have a right to know.


----------



## byegad (11 Feb 2012)

Come around here with those revolutionary ideas and I'll set the dogs on you. We use greyhounds to bring the prey down and then the pack tear them apart.

By the way Mark, you can stop taking the drugs now.


....Maybe then he'll make sense!


----------



## byegad (11 Feb 2012)

Oops, did I really say write that last bit!


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2012)

up the worker, up the down trodden, up the hamster. we the apressed masses refuse to be used by the imperialistic autocracy up lard

i must admit i did take a lot of drugs yesterday as it had been a long week and i was feeling it a bit battered . 

i am now looking at improvements the the wheelchair, slick tyres for drifting, cup holder, wheel discs, crutch holders, with some bags attached to the back and under seat i could do some office touring set up camp in some far off boardroom* and perhaps spikes on the foot rests ect.
i have already been asked if i have a trailer by some of the less fit staff, the walking in the new office is the most exorcise some of them have had in twenty years.

*i went for a look around the new place as i am now mobile, and entered the hallowed ground of the management 4th floor and was politely escorted out by one of the secretary's or "assistants".


----------



## byegad (11 Feb 2012)

Lucky it wasn't the fourth floor of Byegad Towers. We have a large service lift, one way only. It's a chute all of the down to one of the sub-sub-sub-... etc...basement where the lower serving girls wash the clothing of the superior, well less inferior, staff. you could have been the first wheelchairist to break the speed of sound!


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2012)

i ventured out in to the big bad forum yesterday  gosh there mean out there , looking for a argument, not like us nice recumbonauts* we are supportive*  and helpful*; i think i will stay in hear

i have been at the sewing machine again modifying bags for the wheelchair camping trip, the office locker policy forbids storing flammable or explosive stuff in them so the petrol stove is out i can string a hammock between the photo copier and the cleaners cupboard door i just need some 6" nails to knock in to the door frame.

i am thinking of booking to go to the towers, for three days of rides to the cake shop, followed by the ride to a different cake shop, followed by a ride back to the towers for a bit of cake; then big dinners happen. apparently recumbonauts require cake to fill there airobelly hump. the ride plan might be changed a bit to include "A pint of some local beverage/ falling down water".





*not byegad


----------



## Speicher (13 Feb 2012)

Are you back from the cake shop yet? Did you remember my double chocolate and walnut cake?


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> Are you back from the cake shop yet? Did you remember my double chocolate and walnut cake?


Typical! He goes out for cake and forgets to come back.

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

He needs finding and bringing back to the hostel again!


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2012)

no no no , you dont listen do you, the run to the cake shop is Easter weekend

i have found that the formula for the correct number of bikes/ trikes in a house hold is the same for wheelchairs i will have three by next week one to leave in the garage a work so i am not lifting one in and lard out of the car plus when i go in on the hand bike/tadpole trike, i will have one there and not have to tow one in. a light chair for keeping in the car and the old steel clunker i was given by a relative. the clunker i think will go lard to a different family member to live out the remainder of its time at the caravan.

plus if i take all three chairs in we can have races in the parking garage as it is laid out like a cart track, good team building and all that and the murks/bmws* make good deflectors so we dont hit the walls and damage them, the walls that is.



plus as a added bonus i am to get extra drugsand as they make you dopeyi may need a power nap mid afternoon, would taking my teddy bear and wubby in be pushing it do you think?.


*as long as you hit the side panels and not the front
** not byegad


----------



## Scoosh (13 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> ..... plus as a added bonus i am to get extra drugsand as they make you dopeyi may need a power nap mid afternoon, would taking my teddy bear and wubby in be pushing it do you think?.


Pushing it ?? _Pushing it ???   _ You think they're not expecting something of the kind ?  

Where do you intend to push you wubby anyway ? (please answer carefully, remembering that this is a family - friedly forum )


Have you found the choccy/walnut cake yet ?


----------



## Speicher (13 Feb 2012)

What design is on your wubby? Paddington bare?


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> plus as a added bonus i am to get extra drugsand as they make you dopey


 
How will we tell if you are taking them???

I may be paranoid, but it seems from one or two comments the SBGG has added at the end of his posts about me that he's taken against me.

ME!

Nice friendly, good looking and truly wonderful, that's me!

Honest!!!


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2012)

fleasy powder blue with teddy embroiderd on it, with a large silky label to rub on your lip as you humm and rock.

teddy is delicate now my daddy made him for me, he is deep red with one yellow eye and one green* and one ear is back to front with a big line of stitches going diagonally a cross his belly. probably the most loved teddy in the world he is sat on a shelf in the book case where he can see me typing or watch a bit of tv.


* my dad was colour blind


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2012)

Waits for cruel comments from the SBGG. Who knows what a charming type I really am.


----------



## Speicher (13 Feb 2012)

*Charming*

You wanted me to type charming, shall I see if it prints ok?


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> fleasy powder blue with teddy embroiderd on it, with a large silky label to rub on your lip as you humm and rock.
> 
> teddy is delicate now my daddy made him for me, he is deep red with one yellow eye and one green* and one ear is back to front with a big line of stitches going diagonally a cross his belly. probably the most loved teddy in the world he is sat on a shelf in the book case where he can see me typing or watch a bit of tv.
> 
> ...


 
He missed a chance to insult me! The pills are working! Hooray! 

Take more pills.

T a k e m o r e p i l l s . T A K E M O R E P I L L S!


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> How will we tell if you are taking them???
> 
> I may be paranoid, but it seems from one or two comments the SBGG has added at the end of his posts about me that he's taken against me.
> 
> ...


 
mmmmm some of that statement might be true some false and some ridiculous...... but cant work out which

you can tell when i am on the extras as i will have a manic grin wave a lot and act slight erratic making random statements.


that reminds me the new office; i am on floor two of five in the central wing of three, so can look across to two other wings and see people on six floors, we have started looking across and if any one looks back we give them a big grin and manic wave . it cheers people up no end, even the managers are doing it now  , i think the next step are signs on sticks like "down with this sort of thing" and "gosh its good here int it" to hold up.


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> you can tell when i am on the extras as i will have a manic grin wave a lot and act slight erratic making random statements.
> 
> that reminds me the new office; i am on floor two of five in the central wing of three, so can look across to two other wings and see people on six floors, we have started looking across and if any one looks back we give them a big grin and manic wave . it cheers people up no end, even the managers are doing it now  , i think the next step are signs on sticks like "down with this sort of thing" and "gosh its good here int it" to hold up.


 
Maybe it locational rather than chemical.

Are the whole of Rotherham's denizens mad as hatters or only those employed by the Local Council?


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2012)

you know i think it is me i am rubbing off on them they are becoming more normal every day, that or marsh gas is seeping in and they are all off there heads.


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2012)

Marsh gas? Does this mean we can hope for Rotherham to subside slowly under the mud some time in the near future?


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2012)

this is the longest i have gone without riding in seven months, though it oddly dose not seem to be bothering me as i am drug enhanced at the moment. tomorrow i hope to be back on my back and off my back that i am laying on now with my legs in the air on my back peddling again  er on my back......... i need a rest.



 you know my sock has got a hole in it how embarrassing, i will have to start and dress for coming on here black tie and all that. i think iwillgoandhaveanapnow.


----------



## Speicher (14 Feb 2012)

Sees Mark wearing just a black tie


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> Sees Mark wearing just a black tie


DON'T GO THERE !!!  

No, _seriously_, go and rinse your brain/imagination with bleach ... 



... NOW !

 Please, this is for your own good.


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2012)

Nurse! Nurse! More tranquillisers over here for Scoosh and Speicher.


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2012)

Nurse! Nurse! More tranquillisers over here for Scoosh and Speicher.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2012)

I think I'm .... oh-oh ... no I'm not


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> this is the longest i have gone without riding in seven months, though it oddly dose not seem to be bothering me as i am drug enhanced at the moment. tomorrow i hope to be back on my back and off my back that i am laying on now with my legs in the air on my back peddling again  er on my back......... i need a rest.
> .


 
I know what you mean, I'm laid up with the after effects of a bad cold, which set my Asthma off. So I'm taking steroids, and adding 1 lb/day while I take them, as always, and have a sore throat. This is the third year in a row both Lady Byegad and myself have been ill in January and February. It has done my statistics on Gran Turismo 5 look respectable though and I'm learning the Nordschleifer Circuit, all 73 corners, 12.944 miles or 20.832 km of it!


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> I know what you mean, I'm laid up with the after effects of a bad cold, which set my Asthma off. So I'm taking steroids, and adding 1 lb/day while I take them, as always, and have a sore throat. This is the third year in a row both Lady Byegad and myself have been ill in January and February. It has done my statistics on Gran Turismo 5 look respectable though and I'm learning the Nordschleifer Circuit, all 73 corners, 12.944 miles or 20.832 km of it!


 

i believe you should take up residence in a hasmat suit on December the 20th until all clear on march first next year. they may make a film byegad in a bubble. you could have one of them big hamster ball things for exorcise, there ded good them you can cross rivers and stuff with them... you know i think i will go and have another not stand up now.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2012)

did i say "not bye gad" today? i am loosing track and sock integrity. wonder what spud n' nick r doing????


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> I know what you mean, I'm laid up with the after effects of a bad cold, which set my Asthma off. .....


Has Byegad Towers run out of staff to throw onto the fires to keep them burning ?

One would have thought there would have been lots of applicants/supplicants for the post of fire-warmer in the current economic climate - which must be more chilly even than BG Towers


----------



## Speicher (15 Feb 2012)

If there has been a crime committed against your sock, who do you call? 



Socco


----------



## byegad (15 Feb 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Has Byegad Towers run out of staff to throw onto the fires to keep them burning ?
> 
> One would have thought there would have been lots of applicants/supplicants for the post of fire-warmer in the current economic climate - which must be more chilly even than BG Towers


 
I caught it from the pretty serving wench I 'interviewed' in late January. The Great Hall fire is roaring as i write and the Head Butler is at this moment speaking to the Under Footman who will speak to the Head Gardener, who will speak to the Under Gardener (Forestry), who will speak to the Chief Woodsman who will send his boy out to gather more wood.By the time the idle little beggar fetches more wood the fire will be nearly out! Time for the whips to be brought out methinks.

Sometimes it would be quicker to switch in the electric fire! But protocol within the Byzantine staff, as to who would tell who to do it, would lead to a repeat of the Siege of the Long Gallery of 1746 when open warfare broke out between the kitchen staff and the Cleaning staff. Fortunately for the family the kitchen staff, who were better armed won in three days!Otherwise we'd have ied out there and then from chronic malnutrition.

Maybe I should learn how this Electrickery works and do it myself!


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> I caught it from the pretty serving wench I 'interviewed' in late January. The Great Hall fire is roaring as i write and the Head Butler is at this moment speaking to the Under Footman who will speak to the Head Gardener, who will speak to the Under Gardener (Forestry), who will speak to the Chief Woodsman who will send his boy out to gather more wood.By the time the idle little beggar fetches more wood the fire will be nearly out! Time for the whips to be brought out methinks.
> 
> Sometimes it would be quicker to switch in the electric fire! But protocol within the Byzantine staffi, as to who would tell who to do it, would lead to a repeat of the Siege of the Long Gallery of 1746 when open warfare broke out between the kitchen staff and the Cleaning staff. Fortunately for the family the kitchen staff, who were better armed won in three days!Otherwise we'd have ied out there and then from chronic malnutrition.
> 
> Maybe I should learn how this Electrickery works and do it myself!


 

thing must be really bad if you are thinking of manual labour!
i think my cold, pneumonia, manflu has run out of run it course, so will get the trike out again  

i blame the air conditioning and open plan lay out in the new office, i think every one has had a cold over the past week and as more teams move in with there festering germs, coughing and sneezing all over the place it will get worse as time goes on until we build up a immunity.

until the selfish, i am all right jack dont give a stuff about any one else staff, starts jetting off all over the world creating humungus carbon foot prints and brining new and exotic diseases back to bring every one low, just in time to ruin every ones brief summer.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Feb 2012)

hhhhhho nooooooooo, the call centre is to be put at the side of us the value of my desk will plummet, all the milk will disepear from the fridge, whoooo and thrice whooooo.


----------



## byegad (16 Feb 2012)

The call centre types will soon do in your mental health. I know I've worked in two!


----------



## byegad (16 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> The call centre types will soon do in your mental health. I know I've worked in two!


 
Edit.. Even more!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Feb 2012)

after having cold manflu black death, i went out for a spin, to put it delicately my lungs had a good clean 20miles in i puled over for a bit of spirited yodelling with a stutter*, i could feel the difference when i set off again a bit light headed from all the oxygen. i think you get a good massage from riding the trike the vibration must shake every thing loose.

*sounding like a hardened 60 a day smoker first thing in the morning.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Feb 2012)

View: http://youtu.be/7NJvgT60-mk

this kid rides his chair like i ride my trike...... well almost i would just shatter

as there is not enough room in the new office, i have come up with a solution, elderly people in Rotherham can let the council use one of there rooms as a office, the old people get a bit of company and help with the expenses. every one is a winner.
if we don't get enough volunteers we can just select some at random.


----------



## byegad (17 Feb 2012)

Now which, 'lucky resident' gets you Mark? Hopefully some poor old soul who is deaf, blind and a bit mental.

Before you ask... I don't live in Rotherham, so think of someone else.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Feb 2012)

i was thinking of going to houses/bungalows at random to start with and see which has best tea cake ect. it has not been put forward yet so i think a bit of beta testing needs doing. i have written a letter explaining what i am doing to the residents so it will be all official like. i even done it in purple crayon*

*ran out of blue.... well it had a accident....... i occidentally swallowd it. it tasted lemony, or i might have imagined that!


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Feb 2012)

i have to park out back in the yard near the skip. i am aloud to come through the executive car park under the building* as a dispensation to get to the lifts. but i might have to go up the big ramp** and around to the front of the building as i am struggling to get through the swing doors near the lifts and am damaging them. next week i have to phone a care taker on the way in so he can come and hold the doors open for me. the doors up on my floor are ok i bash on them with the rubber end of my crutch and if some one hears me they come and let me in. i am so grateful and lucky i work for such caring and inclusive a employer in a brand new building***.

*god forbid one of them gets bird poo on one of there "worth more than my house" cars.
**a good 10 to 15 mins push, but a good work out.
*** i am going to enrol in night classes for sarcasm as i have problems spotting it and teeth unclenching


----------



## Scoosh (18 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i was thinking of going to houses/bungalows at random to start with and see which has best tea cake ect. it has not been put forward yet so i think a bit of beta testing needs doing. i have written a letter explaining what i am doing to the residents so it will be all official like. i even done it in purple crayon*
> 
> *ran out of blue.... well it had a accident....... i occidentally swallowd it. it tasted lemony, or i might have imagined that!


I would agree that some bet-a testing should be done.


Crayons have a curious smell too - I've wondered of what it reminds me ...


----------



## byegad (19 Feb 2012)

OK I need some support. (No not the one Mark keeps wanting me to model!)

After a week off the road with a sore throat, then another week with a bad cold and a third week with a sore throat and Asthma affected by the cold and taking steroids for the Asthma and a fourth week with the Asthma and yet another sore throat and antibiotics for the throat.

I'm getting the QNT out tomorrow and...





wait for it!


Going for a ride! 

Wish me luck!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2012)

put a balaclava on back to front. this will keep your face warm, stop you from frightening the kids and stop your nose acting like a drag shoot, slowing you down. please make sure some one videos you ride as it is something i look forward to watching, if you can cross the ring road as part of your ride that would make it a bit more entertaining 

we here at recovery HQ are very excited that some one is getting better, though a bit disappointed its not me. but you go on get better don't mind me no, no, no, your cured mate, not a bye-your leave or any thing. you cant go around being cured its unsanetery for one thing and what will the neighbours say. nurse! quick bring me my vintage police whistle a feather duster, 3lbs of lemon jelly and don't forget the Wellington.

i did my normal Sunday morning ride today in the sun waved and said hi to 20+ riders at different parts of my ride and got three back must have been day of the grumpy grumps  never mind it was a nice day for a ride and the first sunny one for weeks.


----------



## byegad (19 Feb 2012)

Cheers Mark. Glad to see there are no hard feelings as i _*recover*_!

'Yah! Boo! Sucks to nanny!'

As we used to shout when we set fire to Nanny Alucard's* coffin as she slept through the daylight. Happy days at Byegad Towers. Sigh!!!

*I suspect that was not her real name.

More when I've been out and coughed a lot and hopefully got back under my own steam.


----------



## Speicher (19 Feb 2012)

It is very kind of you Byegad, I am sure, but really you did not need to pass your cold on to me.


----------



## byegad (19 Feb 2012)

Well I'd finished with the beast, so thought someone else should have a go.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2012)

as you know i dont like to mention it but i am a bit poorly my self

it is the bone pain, i get wrapped up, all in wool and keep warm with heat pads and blankets. i am on codeine phosphate but feel very drunk with them, but it is a good buzz.




working full time is killing me, i should be part time at the end of the month, i hope.






the wheelchair is a god send. they now reckon my ostio is down to not walking much if any, for the last ten years with all the back pain and all the cycling, with the chair, i have been shopping in Rotherham for 4hrs!!! and felt fine



i have to keep moving and walk as much as i can. but is is so much easer and less painful to bike, handbike and wheelchair.

walking is old fashioned and vastly over rated i think, if god intended us to walk he would not have invented the axle "as you know wheels can be any shape it is the axle that is the important bit and was invented by Sidney ugg when he was a under graduate at what was to be come exciter polytechnic some 9000 years later, when a fellow class mate stuck his finger through the middle of his pizza held it up and spun it around slowly so he could eat the stuffed crust first." 


Speicher awwwww blesss  have a nice cupa and put your feet up. that big mean byegad been spreading him self about again. he douse it on out of spite i am sure. i will send over a virtual box of dark chocolates* and a bunch of pre-emptive grapes**

*the best kind as they are not fattening
**they are grapes you eat before you plant the vines so you know if it is worth all the effort of growing them, apparently if they are rubbish and you do not plant the vines a time paradox is avoided because of a loop hole, the universe has so much going on as long as you don't mention it, it gets over looked and accounting can just fudge the books a bit and every one is happy.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2012)

er not byegad

i think that belonged in there some were but cant for the life of me think were?



lard ditto.


----------



## Speicher (19 Feb 2012)

Thank you for the box of virtous chocs. They taste even better than expected considering they have no calories.


----------



## byegad (20 Feb 2012)

More discrimination against the rich and privileged, aka Byegad. 

Did I get chocolates? ... NO!

Was any sympathy expressed about my delicate condition before the good news of my *RECOVERY* came through? ......No!

We get the SBGG moaning about his brittle bones and not walking and giving people who wear lumpy jumpers chokkies!

I'm going to have to flog a servant or two this afternoon and I'll tell the poor battered soul who's fault it is! So! There!


I'm going out the back door, I may be some time...


----------



## byegad (20 Feb 2012)

It was a cold and windy morning when your hero* set out on his red trike for a loop around the local countryside. Intrepidly he set out with the wind on his face and a song in his heart.

And the wind grew stronger.

He turned and climb a small hill and managing to climb with nearly his old panache^ and swept along with the wind on his back.

And the wind grew stronger.

Turning for home your hero pedalled into the wind, as it grew stronger and stronger!

Exhausted he crawled into the village, gasping for breath and expecting to die in the vain attempt to climb the big bad hill, as the wind grew stronger.

He parked the trike, staggered into the Great Hall. And hasn't moved his backside since!

I'm fair tuckered out, but at least I've managed to get my first ride for a month in. Average speeds _will not be discussed_, or even thought about, but at least wheels have been turned and honour satisfied.

*That's me folks!
^I try to wear it always. But it blew off and I had to chase it.


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> as you know i dont like to mention it but i am a bit poorly my self
> Speicher awwwww blesss  have a nice cupa and put your feet up. that big mean byegad been spreading him self about again. he douse it on out of spite i am sure. i will send over a virtual box of dark chocolates* and a bunch of pre-emptive grapes**
> 
> *the best kind as they are not fattening
> **they are grapes you eat before you plant the vines so you know if it is worth all the effort of growing them, apparently if they are rubbish and you do not plant the vines a time paradox is avoided because of a loop hole, the universe has so much going on as long as you don't mention it, it gets over looked and accounting can just fudge the books a bit and every one is happy.


 
I have tried the grapes but have ended up within the above-mentionned time loop, I will let you know what they are like a fortnight ago.


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2012)

Byegad, I shall send you a plomb. Please report back as to whether:

a) it fits you
b) it enhances your cycling prowess

Who is your cycling prowess, and will you post up a picture of her?


----------



## byegad (20 Feb 2012)

Very kind Speicher old chappess.

I can let you have a lert, you should always be a lert on the road.


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2012)

Perhaps I should mention at this junction, that I have been looking for a round tuit for a very long time. If you see one, perhaps you would tell me.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2012)

byegad said:


> Very kind Speicher old chappess.
> 
> I can let you have a lert, you should always be a lert on the road.


cant you get ointment for that?


"He turned and climb a small hill and managing to climb with nearly his old panache" the new and improved self clinging panache.




have you thought about using some of the staff for hill assistance they could walk at the back prodding you with sharp pointy sticks.

"I have tried the grapes but have ended up within the above-mentionned time loop, I will let you know what they are like a fortnight ago." would you mind getting a lottery ticket for last Saturday please, i will give you £10 for your trouble, having said that £8 is a lot of money for me to hand over all in one go i tell you what i will give you half of the £4 now and the other 50p when you give me the jack pot ticket and as you are a lumpy jumper wearer i will only charge you 70% of my normal price for the thank you flowers and that's cutting my own had off. 


good news i can go part time at the end of the month 

gosh all this generosity is hard work i might have a not stand up for a bit.


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2012)

Excellent news on the part time working!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2012)

i used to think, sanity came in a tin a bit like condensed milk. the deepest thinker that has ever lived* said improving someone's grasp of reality by pushing a frog in to the brain through there ear is ultimately doomed** to failure but quite entertaining and gives you something to fill a damp afternoon.
*grandpa flump
** very upsetting for the frog, how has no real problem with reality as things get very real when some one is trying to push you in to someone's ear.


----------



## byegad (20 Feb 2012)

Plombs give me migraine unless they're yellow. So I'll return your plomb, unused. I have a tewitt, but it's a square one, will that be any use IF I lend you a large hammer to get it into the round hole?

Meanwhile I'm sending the SBGG for a short stand to support the tewitt and a long weight to hold it down. While you are there Mark, can you bring the glass hammer back when you return?


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2012)

there you are
cup of tea?



quick before it melts.


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2012)

Great. Now bend your head while i test the hammer!


----------



## Scoosh (21 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> good news i can go part time at the end of the month
> 
> gosh all this generosity is hard work i might have a not stand up for a bit.


 




More time for not-sitting-up and peddallo-ing


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2012)

Good news indeed Mark. The 'W' thing is much overrated and thankfully a dim memory for me these days.

As Marx* said:- 'Work is the curse of the drinking classes.'

* No! Not Karl, Groucho.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Feb 2012)

i will have to get the children/minions out there scraping a crust, all i have got from them over the years is "daddy but i am only 3", "daddy I will not fit up that chimney", excuses that's all i get.
and demands for fripperys like shoes and food.


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2012)

You've been feeding and clothing them.... At your own expense????


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Feb 2012)

the eldest lad was making demands piting for safety equipment while cutting piting my toe nails piting, he went and got my motorbike helmet and gloves.

the world has gone elf n safety nuts, demands for chain guards on recumbents! some twit will start bashing on that cyclist should be made to wearing helmets next of course, if cars had to go the same speed as bikes, like they do in India, because of the congestion.
as you are riding a long if a car gets to close you lean on it or like my friend did, lean in to the car and turn the steering wheel a bit and get a laugh and a happy wave from the driver, how let got of the wheel so my friend could steer for him


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2012)

first day in the office with my new wheelchair, my new one  it is very comfy but i only use it for getting about the place i sit in a office chair. 
now i am mobile i have been going for holidays, today i went down to the loading bay to look at the building operative and support technicians office, they have the cctv n stuff in there, they are the keepers of the bog roll and are to most people in the building invisible, i always give them a cheery wave when they come on the floor to do stuff.
then later i went on holiday to the floor below mine where the connect call centre is, they pass jobs to me for the dog wardens ect, so have spoken to most of them but they have always been in a business park some where. telephonic mangler's.

i cant go on holiday tomorrow as i will be doing things to exel then going for a day trip to my old depot to find out what wacky things they are going to do with us, the management, is new and improved one. 

but i am planing a holiday on the far reaches of my floor where the? er? well i think they? well they all seem quiet nice when they are sat at there desks and i wave across to them on the next wing. i will find out what they do that will be exciting.

today i had to scan a old memo in, print it, get it a-noted by one of the legal bods re scan it send it to my self so there is a electronic ordit trail then shed the hard copy i had and print a new one, so it had today's date and time stamp. the modern paperless office is so cutting edge and i feel privileged to be part of it.



the memo was to the effect that the locker policy for some operatives has been brought in to line with a different depot, that i have never been to and for a job i no-longer do.  but i learnt all about the new printer/scanner, shredder and got out and about a bit on three different floors. it was like one of my holidays but not, so i will call it a business trip.


----------



## byegad (22 Feb 2012)

What a busy day you've had. All I've done is play on my computer, go out for a pub lunch, play with my Grandson, play on my computer and drink some beer.

It's a hard life as a retired person!

Tomorrow I'm waiting in for a ton of coal to be delivered, playing on my computer, going for a trike ride and going to play with toy soldiers recreate an historical encounter between Ancient Egyptians and Nasty Hittites in a table top environment.

Busy, busy, busy!


----------



## Speicher (22 Feb 2012)

A table top environment - I trust that beverages and light snacks are available during this hysterical encounter.


----------



## Speicher (22 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> today i had to scan a old memo in, print it, get it a-noted by one of the legal bods re scan it send it to my self so there is a electronic ordit trail then shed the hard copy i had and print a new one, so it had today's date and time stamp. the modern paperless office is so cutting edge and i feel privileged to be part of it.
> 
> the memo was to the effect that the locker policy for some operatives has been brought in to line with a different depot, that i have never been to and for a job i no-longer do.  but i learnt all about the new printer/scanner, shredder and got out and about a bit on three different floors. it was like one of my holidays but not, so i will call it a business trip.


 
I can remember when I first started work, there were things called rubber stamps and filing cabinets. Some one would stamp the Official Stamping Stamp on the Official document, and then sign it and date it. Then it would be filed or, and you probably will not believe this, they would put it in a henvelope and stamp it again. The Post Office would stamp that as well.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Feb 2012)

Speicher said:


> I can remember when I first started work, there were things called rubber stamps and filing cabinets. Some one would stamp the Official Stamping Stamp on the Official document, and then sign it and date it. Then it would be filed or, and you probably will not believe this, they would put it in a henvelope and stamp it again. The Post Office would stamp that as well.


done away with for elf n safety, repetitive stress gingery, or because people were having fun 


i had another maiden ride tonight no abuse or pushy drivers and the temperature was nice as well.
i applied for my usual post as a presiding officer in the up coming sillyness, when we decide how is going to fiddle the public purse and line there pockets represent us. it is a bit of a day out for me and you get to meet a lot of people and it brings out the nutters who are always fun to chat with but they turned me down ....it is .....because of snoooorrrrrrrthththththk hu hu hu my infirmity that would have paid 1/3 of my new wheel chair thrown on the scrap heap they wont even let me open the envelopes for the postal votes and i promise not to like all the ones they had already opened like last time , i present a elf n safety problem apparently and that is with the corks on my Viking helm antlers*


i went with the 9 point stag antlers as the two bull horns are a bit so last millennium.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Feb 2012)

mas exodus was the order of the day, there wear not a lot of people in to start with but at 14:30 ish what there were did a distepiring act of biblical proportions i only went in to the printer room and when i came out every one had gone  i must have missed the memo


----------



## psmiffy (24 Feb 2012)

it is known as the flex-off a misterious write of the PSW - having read the drivel  wirds of the SBGG for sometime i thort it was virsed of the ways of the cancel pirson - sirgest thet thou have a not stand up in semy notreclined mode and digest the scrolls of the wirking rool agement wrt acrood tim


----------



## byegad (24 Feb 2012)

I found this and thought of our SBGG.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Feb 2012)

as my new work pattern will be Wednesday, Thursday Friday one week then Thursday Friday the next, i am looking forward to some relaxed quiet Fridays. 

as i was doing what for me now is a long day 7am to 5:20 pm; the last few hours, i became recumbent in my office chair with both legs in the wheel chair, with a good buzz on with the pills i had the head set on just hitting the answer key with the end of my crutch when a call came in.  if i had a hammock in-front of my work station i could work full time as long as i got two power naps a day*. 

there was a bit of a flap on with some legal stuff and a raid "organised" by some department or other that was going.....er slightly not to plan, sort of....a complete "departmental learning opportunity"** on some place or other, it sort of happend around me a bit and some one kept brining me cups of tea, and saying things like keep it up and i will be back in a bit i have to take this over to legal, find file x y z, can you get hold of Mr x and tell him to "send the XXXXX sheet ASAP with the appendix to XYZ" i think i had a blueberry cup cake about 3ish but i might have been dreaming that.

i defiantly put a appointment in the managers diary for a meeting that will last for two days, reserving three different meeting rooms.
i have the conformation emails  i will sort it out on Monday.



* the pills make me sleepy about 1ish and again about 4:30.
**when you see that in a memo you know the stuff rely hit the spiny thing.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Feb 2012)

er shooting pains in bone* with stoic fortitude i will have to cry like a baby and whimper, while refusing to phone the specialist. as i am a man <big hairy ug ug beat chest with fists>that reminds me i need my spring trim it is looking like a sheep skin rug. 


*perhaps a visit to the shaman and rub some dried frog powder and lard on it


----------



## byegad (26 Feb 2012)

What you rub and where you rub it is not appropriate for delicate ears. Keep taking the dried frog powders, it'll make you hop.


----------



## byegad (26 Feb 2012)

Sorry Hope!


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Feb 2012)

i did the Sunday morning ride thing today and only had searing pain twice so must be getting better. i will go to the doctors if my leg drops off.

i did some roll down tests with the new wheelchair when i realised it has solid tyres  on the slope in medowhall that i hit 23mph coming down from M&S ready for the hard left* in the new chair i was slowing as i was half way down i now have some two tone wheelchair slicks on order with duel compound i will cut the solids of as soon as the new ones get here.


*if i judge it just right i can emerge from behind one of the big pillars at the side of the steps doing full speed in amongst the herd and scatter them. it is fantastic as any one you hit with a wheel chair apologises and goes all  although as no one looks where they are walking now a days as they are all texting it is 90% who walk in to me usually as i am sat out side the shops liking the window waiting for one of the kids to come out and tell me to stop-it i like body shop window best, must be the fruit soap.


----------



## Speicher (26 Feb 2012)

Have you noticed that the Body Shop does not sell any bodies? I prefer birdie soap, as you could guess - Dove Soap.

Is this your last weekend of working Monday to Friday?


----------



## byegad (27 Feb 2012)

Working Monday t Friday???????

IF you mean turning up five times a week then say so, but don't expect the guy to actually do anything.

Quote from SBGG. 'I don't mind coming in five days a week, but the eight hour wait to go home is killing me!'


----------



## Speicher (27 Feb 2012)




----------



## Scoosh (27 Feb 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> it was like one of my holidays but not, so i will call it a business trip.


... so full expense account too ?  



markg0vbr said:


> i went with the 9 point stag antlers as the two bull horns are a bit so last millennium.


Surely 2 bull horns would be a bit too loud - even for an SBGGAG ?


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Feb 2012)

today i broke the garage doors*, a lift, the entry sliding door like you get to go on the tube see photo.


the ones we have are glass, when i try to go through them in the wheel chair a siren goes off and i have to sit there until one of the building operations technicians ** has a look at me on the cctv and manually opens them from the office.

today's half hour holiday, was on the fist floor vomit green  wing. how they are not bilious on there i do not know some very nice lumpy jumper people  were very helpful opening doors for me and moving the storage containers out of the way*** i snagged three chocolate digestives; the hungry puppy dog look , looking wistfully at the goody's and long silence works every time. people feel they have to fill the silence, if you can arrange# this to happen, at the team stash.

i am waiting for a rough idea on how much it would be to have my motorbike converted to a trike, it is a 1150 bmw so not the lightest of bikes, if it is not economic to have it done i will have to get a ickle 650cc or even a smaller one not exactly my stile.





*they did work until i approached with my key fob thing in the car window, they went half way up and stuck, i tried threatening them with a sound thrashing if they did not open and hitting them with my crutch but they just sat there, until i reversed away and they came all the way back down.

**the longer your job name the lower your pay.
***they had just moved in, so there was no possible way they could have been warned about me  

#match speed of wheel chair to intersect with your target so you cut off there progress along side there teams cake/bun/biscuit supply


----------



## byegad (28 Feb 2012)

Glad to see you weren't wasting your time. No riding for me today, I'm taking Lady Byegad to Whitby for Luncheon and then Great Ayton for a Suggits Ice Cream.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Feb 2012)

i believe the Goth weekend is not far off you could hang around for that. long leather coat and platform soled biker boots with black eye liner would just be your stile.

there will be rock brought around on your return i take it? a bag of humbugs for me please, i save them up until Christmas to throw at people in the office when they start saying things like gosh int it festive, i do like the dark nights! 

the NHS wheelchair is still conspicuous by its absence; one can get a voucher to go to the local suppler to get one but when i asked about this i was told they had run out of money, i told them i had run out of legs and could i have a IOU to give them off next years budget, the silence was profound and deep.

mean while back in the office all the managers are spending what is left of there budgets before the new tax year, so all the things we needed all year but couldn't have, we can now have. the wheelchair was brought up but the best offer i got was a old skate board found in the yard last week.


----------



## byegad (28 Feb 2012)

No Goths today, we had great day, the weather was positively balmy, you'd have felt right at home Mark. The lunch was very acceptable and we had a lovely ice-cream. They've put a temporary bridge in between the two halves of the pier after they found the one I've been using for 60 years is unsafe. Maybe we can get our SBGG to test it to destruction, all we need is a stormy day and a nice high tide so he falls into the water and not onto the nasty hard rocks under it. Or maybe we should have a vote on the last bit?


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Feb 2012)

humbug and lard sir.

the far end of the pier should be left separated so people how suffer from sea sickness can go on a cruse. 

i made the call that has put me on the path of converting my motorbike to a trike i have not committed to it as i have to sort out the spec and hopefully see some examples.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Mar 2012)

the sun is out and so am i  no work today.


----------



## Scoosh (1 Mar 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> the sun is out and so am i  no work today.


Not counting the weather, no change then, another normal day.


----------



## Speicher (1 Mar 2012)

Enjoy the sunshine


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Mar 2012)

i was very tempted to don the mankeeny but as i have not had my spring trim yet it would look like i was ridding with a sheepskin rug stuck to my chest

i went to asda first outing with my blue badge* even though the car park was not full most of the blue badge bays were taken up by the scum of the universe chavs, grrrrr. there is a sign on the wall for giving out £60 fines but they never enforce it. i got a spot as some one was coming out, i did complain at c/s but got the brush off.
*it was like a ikle holiday and very exciting going shopping all by my self  now one telling me stop-it and behave


----------



## Speicher (1 Mar 2012)

I could tell you to "stop it and behave!" but it would depend wot you were/are doing. 

Did you remember the tricky things like your favourite biskits? Not to mention the butter that you like rather than the one every one else likes.  I suggest you procure a biskit tin for yourself. No one need then know about your biskit supply (in your bedroom). 

I would know about it, and so would Byegad, but I venture to suggest that I may not have a plan to find your secret biskits.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Mar 2012)

i got some reduced plums  but no biscuits i forgot and no one reminded me, your rubbish you lot.

and some washing powder so good it cleans your clothes just rubbing them on the box and there was a pretty flower on the front. all the tins were facing the wrong way on the shelves you could not read what was in re daily salt fat ect so spent some time turning them around, i made a smile face with bean tins on the end of a pallet of bags of rice.
got a old lady to pass me some things of the shelves of one isle then put them back when she had gone, as i did not want them but it was a bit of exercise and entertainment for her and i think she got a kick out helping me, i am good like that.
a proper day out and productive, the most fun i have had on a day out in a long time, as the police let me off with a warning and the manager refused to press charges, he says i can go in again and to let them know when i am setting off as every time i go in he will have some of the very nice people who work there go around with me as a sort of entourage and may film it for there staff training fast track thingy. 


i came home via the bike shop to talk trike, if i had a big supply of money i could have the front end done as a tadpole tilting trike, but as i don't it will have to be a delta rigid axle with two shock absorbers. a snap on rack for if i go to any of the biker rallys to put the wheel chair on; as they never have a lot of chairs in the entertainment tent and i like to be relaxed while i have my ration of two tins of warm possibly beer.
a good tip is take a stainless steel* tankard and have it on a chain to your belt as the weekend progresses, if you are a drinker and don't mind mixing them, random people will start topping it up for you.

*if in any of the European gatherings with a "healthy " former soviet block contingent please replace with enameld mug as the tend to bring there diy vodka in there petrol tanks and may sent stainless black.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Mar 2012)

i think i have found the ultimate custom trike.​​

​http://www.anythingispossibletour.com/arnoldbike2.htm​​​i noticed my kojack front tyres have had it the canvas is showing through. i must have only done 2k ish* i will have to start and slow down for the sharp fast bends...er throwing the trike in at full chat is kind of fun... i don't think they are that expensive really £14.50, for the amount of fun i get.. sod it ride it like you pinched it and stuff the expense​​*got the trike i think end of October so 200 miles a week up to the new year then about 100 a week up to now, this should be back up to what it was before now i am part time.​


----------



## byegad (3 Mar 2012)

I had Kojaks on my Kettwiesel for 1000 miles and they were shot. Frankly I feel both Marathon Racers and Big apples are a far better tyre and they are both as fast.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Mar 2012)

i have a set of American bobbys to go on, i will have a look at some of the others the small tyre shop has the darano is
wearing well on the back even with the odd bit of slipping going up the steep clime at the end of my ride. i do like the slap heads though.

cant wait to get the solid tyres of the wheel chair it is like pushing through treacle.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Mar 2012)

what a rubbish day cold and wet!
i did not order this, i booked unseasonably warm and sunny so i could work on my tan thong* on a trike and all that.
* a very bright red one.


----------



## byegad (4 Mar 2012)

'Tis wet 'n cold here too. I thought all the good weather had migrated to the West Riding.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Mar 2012)

t's so wet weve bin inundated wif web foots from hull trana excape fludin ut' bogy gra-nd.
gud fo th' gills thoug, tall rain.

i am practising my common parlance, for when i have to go amongst them again, when the bike modifications have taken place.
one dose not like to stand out from the hoy poloi, that would be crass, no merely hover near the pinnacle of biker society, as is expected for some one of my background and breading.


you know it is amazing how long the hair has grown in my ears and when dose it happen? i was having a good bradle about in there the other day as i like to keep them clean, i went to do the same today and there are tufts of hair there!
i had my early year trim to day so if any one has a sofa or arm chair in need of some extra stuffing i have a good carrier bag of chest hair going to waist.


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2012)

The now traditional January/February cold and chest is past and the traditional bad knee is here in time for the improving weather. I'm taking things very steady at the moment after yesterday's ride where I broke a front spoke, again!! The spoke wasn't the problem, kneeling to replace it was! B*^^*£.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Mar 2012)

i am constantly surprised by how often you brake spokes, is Mrs byegad kicking the trike while you are not looking. is there a plot by some of the staff to cripple you force you in to investing in disc wheels so you will not be able to creep up on the polar maid.

the motorbike was inspected and pronounced fit for trikeing  this will commence the middle of next month. that gives me some thing to look forward too, biker rallys lots of people just like me. probably drunk and semi coherent them not me, as i dont drink much now.


----------



## Scoosh (7 Mar 2012)

How can there _possibly_ be ? 


markg0vbr said:


> lots of people just like me.


Surely there is only one real, _bona fide_ SBGG-AG ??? 

Burn the imposters, I say !







... or send them to Byegad Towers for feeding to whatever is hungry around the estate


----------



## byegad (7 Mar 2012)

Yes that's the first one this winter, and it always seems to be winter when they break! Last winter i lost four or five the winter before a similar number, and none in between?? A real puzzler this.


----------



## byegad (7 Mar 2012)

Scoosh said:


> How can there _possibly_ be ?
> Surely there is only one real, _bona fide_ SBGG-AG ???
> 
> Burn the imposters, I say !
> ...


 
I gather Rotherham is full of them.

Note to self.... Avoid Rotherham.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Mar 2012)

not just in Rotherham all over the world, we are the biKers, we are everywhere  some times they may only be part time weekend biKers,



others are full time 



remember the brotherhood are watching.


----------



## Scoosh (8 Mar 2012)

Now which one is SBGG-AG ? 

I reckon it's the one with *BROWN* trousers !!!  ....



... but really hope it isn't


----------



## byegad (9 Mar 2012)

None of the above.

Note to self... The SBGG lives there, avoid Rotherham and especially Rawmarsh.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2012)

you will have to wait about six weeks for a photo of me back on the bike i have already got people lining up for a ride when it is done.



BMWTrike
a bit like this one but mine is the roadster



mine has a leather tank cover and a custom exhaust, it sounds very nice thundering down the road, i will have a rack on the back for the wheelchair. 

i have had three days of the trike but did a bit of whizzing about in the chair today, i have also taken the solid tyres off and put some racing slicks on. the solids wear unbelievably heavy, i will take it to meadow hall tomorrow and see if i can get some speed up


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Mar 2012)

a good forty mile ride today and 2hours pushing wheelchair about i may go mad tonight and have a red smarty  they are a bit like lsd for me.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Mar 2012)

i have my first sun tan of the year i got home at lunch time yesterday from a sunny ride when i removed my bandanna there it was. tan line! i now look like i have a screw top head again


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Mar 2012)

i had a bit of wheelchair rage today; the local supermarket is crammed to the gills you struggle to get around with one of there under sized trolleys and they keep putting baskets of discount stuff in the isles​i came around a corner and this bint with a pull along shopping basket strode over my legs then dragged the basket after her. i did point out though in a wheel chair "i can still feel my legs and it f*^&% well hurt" as i grabbed the basket out of her hand and skidded it back down the isle where she had come from. it was the way she did it as though i was some thing in the way rather than a person that got me mad. i was in mid corner trying not to take my nuckles off on the shelving <bang searing pain in my bad leg> not even a sorry kiss my bum or anything %*!"£%$£%^**& """% bint "$%^^.​​pushing my dad about for 45 years in a wheelchair in various locations has left me with no illusions about the average pedestrian. this one runs a close second the woman who as my dad was sat in a restaurant eating his dinner; without a word pulled him away from the table as he was cutting his lamb chop  that one got a bit heated and she ended up leaving, all she kept saying was "well i wanted to get by and _He_ (in tone of voice used to describe dog doo doo) was in the way".​​and breath.​


----------



## Speicher (13 Mar 2012)

for Mark

Please take particularly note that I will not kiss your bum or any other part of your nanatomy,  

The person in question did not even see you. Some peeps seem to put blinking blinkers on when they are shopsing.

I have given up visiting large dupermarkets, for anything at all. Earlier today, a very friendly gentleman delivered my groceries wot I ordered on line. I save petrol, aggro, and do not buy things that I do not need. Freshly fruity vegetabley type goods and biskits, jams etc are procured from local "Ye Olde Fashioned" shoppes, with friendly assistants' assistance. 

You may have noticed unusual thuds and beeps while I have written this post. This is cos I am using ye olde steam-powered puter. The super fast laptop puter is being repaired, I think it needs a boot up the backside or something.

That will explain my absence from this fred over the past week or so. I hope you were not thinking that you had upset me.


----------



## byegad (13 Mar 2012)

Maybe you should adopt the trick a rather good looking American lady cyclist tried after having her bum patted one to many times in traffic jams. She took to carrying a Magnum revolver in a holster on her hip. Apparently no one felt the urge to pat her bum after that! So get out the Uzi 9mm and oil her up Mark.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Mar 2012)

Speicher said:


> for Mark
> 
> Please take particularly note that I will not kiss your bum or any other part of your nanatomy,
> 
> ...


you could have sent a missive to bygad towers and his gentlemans, gentleman, would have transcribed it for us. what is the lap top in for? scraping the tipex of the screen? did you threaten it with a sound thrashing, that always works in the office.

the head of the department cam in to have a chat with head of section. as the three of us on the pones have head sets on, it is imposable to know if we are chatting to some one on the phone or each other, as we can only see the top of each others heads we just talk to the cubical wall.

the conversation was going quite well; with practised use of the mute button, two other operators asking me questions about pesting "technical term that" while i was giving advice to my caller on the correct operation of a wood burning stove mixed in with advice on a beetle infestation.
periodically we have to make notes on stats, calls in queuing answer messages left ect so mixed in with this, op 1 will say sab* if they are then in mid flow you hold up finger for you stats or shout back your numbers if they are not on a call.
voip phones are fantastic as you get special effects even if you dont want them**, so a periodic "fubar?" question is uttered by a op, followed with ok if yours is working or cheque or snap if not; this is wear the sound thrashing comes in and almost always has the system back in a jiff.
the head of department sort of stood there for a bit with this odd look on his face  and wondered off looking back now and then, no one worked out what he came to see the head of section about, i think his brain had a sneeze.

i will have you know i have been paying quite a lot of attention to my bum, in preparation for the, mankeani Yorkshire trikers ride to raise money and the blood pressure of the fair maidens of the county; we will be riding about on trikes in mankeanis until we think people have given us enough money to stop.
how do you stand on the subject of back waxing natural or waxed?
i think i will have to start deploying my recumbent flags on the chair or fit budica wheels with the rotating spikes

*system analysis b......s
** you can hear your self saying some thing 1 second after you say some thing, which is a bit daft as if you could hear your self 1 second before you say some thing you would know what to say.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> Maybe you should adopt the trick a rather good looking American lady cyclist tried after having her bum patted one to many times in traffic jams. She took to carrying a Magnum revolver in a holster on her hip. Apparently no one felt the urge to pat her bum after that! So get out the Uzi 9mm and oil her up Mark.


 
i was thinking the same thing today as a car went past at 60+ mph with 6" of clearance, cyclist should be issued with fire arms and be allowd to take three pot shots at any one that courses them distress. when i take over after the revolution it will be the first thing i do, well not the first i will have to the palace and hand over the keys to a council flat in moss side for them to move in to and do the list  the one i have been adding to over the last ten years in purple crayon. then i will sort out transport; that reminds me 4x4 drivers that dont go off road best jot that one down.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Mar 2012)

i have joined NABD National Association for Bikers with a Disability, the boxer is getting picked up next week and undergoing surgery i am hoping she will be ok, i did explain what would be happening and not to worry as it will mean we will be back out on the road again 

gosh i am all excited and hipper ........ can you tell, hum? hum? eh, eh!
rides on the back will be on a fist come first served basis.


----------



## Speicher (15 Mar 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> gosh i am all excited and hipper ........ can you tell, hum? hum? eh, eh!
> rides on the back will be on a fist come first served basis.


 
< This is a boxer and a first fist.


----------



## byegad (15 Mar 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i have joined NABD National Association for Bikers with a Disability, the boxer is getting picked up next week and undergoing surgery i am hoping she will be ok, i did explain what would be happening and not to worry as it will mean we will be back out on the road again
> 
> gosh i am all excited and hipper ........ can you tell, hum? hum? eh, eh!
> rides on the back will be on a fist come first served basis.


 
Having witnessed some of your 3 wheel adventures. Put me down for any time after 2100. The year that is!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> Having witnessed some of your 3 wheel adventures. Put me down for any time after 2100. The year that is!


i will have you know i have been practising wheelies in the wheelchair, two wheeled cornering on the catrike but not been doing any thing on the bmw  as with every wheeled contraption i ride the up most care and consideration will be used.
plus there is no facility for sick bags on the boxer


----------



## byegad (16 Mar 2012)

So the slow roll into the hedge was care and consideration?? You didn't even wait until I had my camera out.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Mar 2012)

yes


byegad said:


> So the slow roll into the hedge was care and consideration?? You didn't even wait until I had my camera out.


i was very careful that you did not have the camera out

i have been reminiscing today.
my grand dad had a outfit, one with a massive side car*. 
it could fit my mum, gran, my sister and me with the dog at the back. 

even on a blistering hot day it was like being at the north pole, new and improved drafts would hit you from all sides even though it was fully enclosed. 
the performance was astonishing 0 - er 47ish mph wind assisted about 5 mins if granddad went in to his famous aerodynamic hunch. 
complete with helmet with leather flaps and fighter pilot goggles, his gauntlets came all the way up to his elbows he could keep a packed lunch shoved down the inside of them; there is a picture some were of me wearing them like waders






when not transporting half the village about like a impromptu taxi** he used to do the rounds picking up baskets of racing pigeons in it to take to the club ready to be sent of for a race. 

so i have some affection for out fits, when i see one out and about i can smell wet dog pigeon and carbolic and have a big idiotic grin. 

you know when i have been back to the village people all say i am very much like my grand dad he also sported a very stylish full waxed moustach; he was a tad extrinsic though.

* its post code was s62 5px we did not have google earth in them days so i dont know if it could be seen from space but i would not have been surprised 
**i dont think people wanted to go in it but he would never take no for a answer and would go miles out of his way to drop his victims off.


----------



## byegad (17 Mar 2012)

I had a Motorpike and Sidecarp. An MZ 250 and ultra light single seat side car. 'Twas an edification to ride. Every control input has an adverse effect on your course or stability. So you open the throttle and turn left into the hedge, unless you steer right as well. Once you get the hang of all this double input riding it can be fun, but you really have to take things steady.

My dear old Dad had a Panther and double adult side car. The Panther was a single cylinder 600cc bike designed specifically for a chair, and an utter swine to start with a propensity to launch the startee over the handle bars with a judiciously applied back fire. I remember riding in the chair with Mam as a toddler while she taught me many new and interesting words as she tried to communicate, over the noise of the wind and an evil sounding 600cc single, to Dad that he had missed a turn off. Their marriage was saved when he bought a Bond and they could scream at each other over the howl of a small Villiers two stroke revving its guts out as we roared along at 30 or even 35mph!! I learned to count in that Bond. 'Daddy we have 23 cars 2 lorries and 3 buses queued behind is on this 1 in 25 hill.' Climbing some of the big hills in the North Yorks Moors was amazing, the whole thing shook and we could admire the grass growing in the fields and the seasons passing before we got to the top.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> I had a Motorpike and Sidecarp. An MZ 250 and ultra light single seat side car. 'Twas an edification to ride. Every control input has an adverse effect on your course or stability. So you open the throttle and turn left into the hedge, unless you steer right as well. Once you get the hang of all this double input riding it can be fun, but you really have to take things steady.
> 
> My dear old Dad had a Panther and double adult side car. The Panther was a single cylinder 600cc bike designed specifically for a chair, and an utter swine to start with a propensity to launch the startee over the handle bars with a judiciously applied back fire. I remember riding in the chair with Mam as a toddler while she taught me many new and interesting words as she tried to communicate, over the noise of the wind and an evil sounding 600cc single, to Dad that he had missed a turn off. Their marriage was saved when he bought a Bond and they could scream at each other over the howl of a small Villiers two stroke revving its guts out as we roared along at 30 or even 35mph!! I learned to count in that Bond. 'Daddy we have 23 cars 2 lorries and 3 buses queued behind is on this 1 in 25 hill.' Climbing some of the big hills in the North Yorks Moors was amazing, the whole thing shook and we could admire the grass growing in the fields and the seasons passing before we got to the top.


 
this may explain why you tend to stop part way up a hill with this strange look on your face, you are reminiscing. the first car any one had in the family was my dads invalid carage



a three wheeler with soft top motorbike controls and a 2 stroke engine, later upgraded to this




as it is a one seater and you did not have to pass a test to drive one you were not aloud to carry passengers, so i would lay on the floor when dad wanted to take me any where i can navigate to any one of the regular destinations we went to by remembering the roofs of places we passed, very hand when riding a very reclined recumbent

the later model was automatic with reverse! the brakes were applied by pressing down on the handle bars, as my dad had muscular dystrophy he would just lean forward and rest his head on a pillow fastend to the sun visor to de-apply the brakes he would sort of push him self back with his head. all well and good as long as you are on the flat the place he went to get some supplys for his prize wining chrysanthemums and dalliers. was inaccessible without me laying on the floor doing the braking on the tiller going down the hill as for this run he had to wear a chest strap to stop from flopping forward.

i wonder where i get my love of odd three wheeled contraptions?


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Mar 2012)

remember the frogs!

it is that time again i have seen a lot of frogs and toads on the road today, as it is still not that warm for them a helping hand can come in to play getting them across, yet another advantage to the recumbent trike frog ferry, that is assuming you take them to the side of the road they want to go i dont speak frog i am on the look out for the first snake of the year.
i like to go to the nature reserve in the spring lay on a blanket soak up the sun and look at all the creepy crawls (technical term that), a lot more relaxing than the running about them bird watchers do.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Mar 2012)

setting of for a ride...... remember the frogs, remember the frogs, remember the frogs.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Mar 2012)

i forgot the frogs got to the top of the hill and remembered i did not see any squashed so we ether have very fast frogs or they wear not about today.


----------



## byegad (20 Mar 2012)

Qu'est-ce que c'est au sujet du Français ?


----------



## Speicher (20 Mar 2012)

Je ne sais quoi.
I do not know.

Pensez-vous qu'il peut etre un peu fou?
Do you think he might be a teensy bit bonkers?

J'ai oublié le numéro qu'il faut pour écrire an e with a carrotty top thingy.
I cannot find the alt code for a carrotty top thingy.


----------



## Speicher (20 Mar 2012)

La plume de ma tante est dans la maison de mon frère.
My aunt's pen is at my brother's house.


----------



## starhawk (21 Mar 2012)

Now this is getting out of hand! Is this an english speaking forum or what?


----------



## byegad (21 Mar 2012)

Plus que un peut fou!


----------



## Speicher (21 Mar 2012)

starhawk said:


> Now this is getting out of hand! Is this an english speaking forum or what?


 
Qu'est ce qu'il dit?
What is he saying?


----------



## byegad (21 Mar 2012)

Je ne sais pas? Et il un étranger?


----------



## BenM (21 Mar 2012)

Je crois que il est un 'Rosbif'; ils sont tout fou!


----------



## byegad (21 Mar 2012)

BenM said:


> Je crois que il est un 'Rosbif'; ils sont tout fou!


C'est vrais! Tristement il est un Tyke! Nous somme tout fou.


----------



## Speicher (21 Mar 2012)

Byegad, jamais lit-il mes lettres.

Est-ce que je peux vous "Tutoyer"?


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Mar 2012)

starhawk said:


> Now this is getting out of hand! Is this an english speaking forum or what?


no fela ts' a Yorkshire speaking enclave.
all that foreign is Dutch to me like, i tried using bbc English on the phones at work and people just laughed and saying things like "thy or raight are kid, tha dunt sa-nd reight". 
we are in the regain bordering "love" or "duck" every other word with some pockets of "arr kid" and "si thi".

all pronounced with strong ascents from many contrary, including Bradford ish.

the Motorbike was picked up today, i will go and visit next week and see how it is doing, apparently it is going to have all its fluids drained  a good flush out and then given a tune up before the surgery. that is pencild in for the week after next, most of the preamble is measuring calculating balance points suspension calculations ect. i think bill sits on the welder in the corner with a big mug of tea and a really badly chewed pencil with a big sheet of butchers paper, some card board discs that they made twenty odd years ago and a well thumbed note book.

i asked if they had thought about doing a live web-cam streaming feed in to the work shop  "er so people will be looking at us like?", "well there tends to be a steady stream of people coming in to brew up and gas bag while your working now" , "but thed just be watching us, scratin us arses n supin tea n that, <in a good attempt at a posh voice> they might see my bum crack when i am bent over doing the jig work","well stick a ping pong bat handle in your bum crack then on camera it will look like it has been edited out like they do on the tv news".

the conversation rapidly declined at this point to its normal level.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Mar 2012)

Speicher said:


> La plume de ma tante est dans la maison de mon frère.
> My aunt's pen is at my brother's house.


i only have a sister and i am only allowed purple crayons now, the hole thing with the matrons air soft pile cushion was just a big miss-understanding and she was out of traction in three months. you make one little miscalculation and you would think it was the end of the world.


----------



## Nearly there (22 Mar 2012)

To jest to, co To jest


----------



## byegad (22 Mar 2012)

Bigfellaess Speicher him say Mark is plenty befuddled.

Bigga fella Byegad him say befuddled am plenty too little. He fella wiv cuckoo in nest wiv plenty problem. He get bed in big house wiv padded rooms, him take fellas in, no let fellas out.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2012)

you know some times i think my efforts to educate and inform are just not appreciated.

through a extensive research program involving several jam sangwiches one can of ASDA smart prise bitter a pointy stick and one 14 year old boy. that instructing 14year old boys on the correct procedure for giving the grass its first cut of the year, is best described as entertaining.
as 14 year old boys tend to have the attention span of a geriatric may fly, the hand eye coordination of a slightly damp piece of string; judicious prods of the pointy stick help get point across and concentrate the mind.
this 14 year old boy was given to me by his mum some years ago complete with a litter tray a bin liner of clothes one slightly chewed teddy bear and a turbo charged appetite.

izique zackaria Bentonbrook porthisque peregrine potsbelch Damen Lucifer Beelzebub haverlock ismay pool Tollomy, for short is a happy sole and brightens the place up.
though i fear for his sanity, he has this liking for a obscure sport called foot ball were two teams apparently try to give each other a ball, but this chap how runs around with a whistle makes them give it back.
well something like that, he did try to explain it but i drifted off part way through. there was some thing about a trap that was mildly interesting but it turns out to be a theoretic one


----------



## Speicher (22 Mar 2012)

Footy ball - is the obscure sport where the players often stop and do a sort of dance, but a strange sort of dance, when they are lying on the ground? I think they clutch part of their nanotomy and pull faces and grimace. The dance finishes with hobbling for a few moments. Then they return to running up and down the pitch at a fast race of nots.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Mar 2012)

Speicher said:


> Footy ball - is the obscure sport where the players often stop and do a sort of dance, but a strange sort of dance, when they are lying on the ground? I think they clutch part of their nanotomy and pull faces and grimace. The dance finishes with hobbling for a few moments. Then they return to running up and down the pitch at a fast race of nots.


no that's Britons got talent when they spin on there heads and stuff.

number one son is as mystified as me and lumpy jumper mini me the first born has a face book fixation  you would think doing a dissertation "some poncy student thing" and going to the pub would be enough but no she has to web every thing.
she can text without looking at her phone while watching tv and carry on a conversation lumpy jumper multitasking apparently


----------



## byegad (23 Mar 2012)

Speicher said:


> Footy ball - is the obscure sport where the players often stop and do a sort of dance, but a strange sort of dance, when they are lying on the ground? I think they clutch part of their nanotomy and pull faces and grimace. The dance finishes with hobbling for a few moments. Then they return to running up and down the pitch at a fast race of nots.


 
Also played by Nancy boys, who'd have thought a French town would be responsible for a whole sport? They wouldn't last 2 seconds in a ruck or maul. Proper Football, Rugby Union Football is played by men, or sometimes the better sort of woman, who are not made of glass and hypochondriac.


----------



## Speicher (23 Mar 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> no that's Britons got talent when they spin on there heads and stuff.
> 
> number one son is as mystified as me and lumpy jumper mini me the first born has a face book fixation  you would think doing a dissertation "some poncy student thing" and going to the pub would be enough but no she has to web every thing.
> she can text without looking at her phone while watching tv and carry on a conversation lumpy jumper multitasking apparently


 
I think it is only the younger version of lumpy jumper wearers that can mulltitask to that extension. Any lumpy jumper registered before 1970 would be just duo tasking methinks. Yes I can type and think, I think.


----------



## byegad (23 Mar 2012)

My old mum could knit, watch TV and nag both myself and my Dad simultaneously. That was over 50 years ago and shortly before she died at 89 she could do the TV watching and nagging my sister and brother-in-law, who she lived with, with absolutely no trouble! Although sadly her hands had gone, due to arthritis, and the knitting was no longer possible.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Mar 2012)

my emergency propriety one express order nhs wheel chair arrives on Monday, this has only taken a astonishingly short seven weeks i was measured up for the chair over the phone as it was such a rush job.
i have a chrome cycling bell all ready to go on it and am planing to put some stick on go faster stripes, on it for bling, they don't do spinners for the wheels but do plastic spoke guards.
it should be a bit of a chick magnet* pimp my ride magnet thingy by the time it is done.

one of the very lumpy, lumpy jumper wearers in the next team to mine was multi tasking; while eating a cream bun, spilling coffee on her laptop and talking to a customer, with a full mouth. she managed to knock the managers briefcase of the desk and trip one of the not lumpy jumper wearers up as he walked past; all in a very high pitched voice that can melt candle wax.

*lumpy jumper wearer.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Mar 2012)

a nice ride today the led light came in handy in the fog.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Mar 2012)

the excitement is building! can you imagine me excited about some thing? by the time Monday rolls around and the chairs arrival is immanent i will be apoplectic with delight.


----------



## byegad (25 Mar 2012)

Is this really something we should share??


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Mar 2012)

i have been putting some good times in over the last couple of weeks.
now i am part time and the temperature, is close to my optimum operating temperature.

i could share my cycling tan, if you like; i got white bits.
it is quite early in the year but the sun as been out for the last couple of days and i noticed in the full length mirror in the bath room i have tan lines 
i have been riding in my micro cycling shorts for the last three weeks but to day was the first outing for my short sleeved top.
mankini probably in two weeks.


----------



## BenM (26 Mar 2012)

> mankini probably in two weeks.


Remind me not to visit the Sheffield area in the near future.... no... wait... I don't need reminding, it's a conditioned reflex anyway! 

B.

p.s. actually, in case anyone thinks I am being Northist, I have friends in Huddersfield, and Ma comes from South Shields plus I actually went to Magna once and Medowhall as well for a wee.


----------



## Dave Martin (26 Mar 2012)

BenM said:


> p.s. actually, in case anyone thinks I am being Northist, I have friends in Huddersfield, and Ma comes from South Shields plus I actually went to Magna once and Medowhall as well for a wee.


 
Lol that really made me smile


----------



## byegad (26 Mar 2012)

Argh! That puts mankini wearing into the Longridge weekend! Mummy! I WANT MY MUMMY!


----------



## Speicher (26 Mar 2012)

I am pondering how exactly one cycles in micro cycle shorts, if one does not own a micro cycle.


----------



## byegad (26 Mar 2012)

It goes with his micro brain and balances his enormous ego!


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> Argh! That puts mankini wearing into the Longridge weekend! Mummy! I WANT MY MUMMY!


i dont think i will be going, it is a long way for me to drive in one hit, if i take enough painkillers to make the trip they would knock me out. i have been pondering and cogitating for days about this, should i, should i not? 

if my bmw trike was done i would be ok i think, i never had any problems riding the motorbike a long way; i am hoping the trike will be the same.

the sun is out so i will go and see if i can improve on some of the tan lines... pictures will be posted, there will be a Olympic mascot emblem hidden in the picture, the first one to spot it wins a prize, you will have to look closely as it will be well hidden.


----------



## byegad (27 Mar 2012)

Who will we tease if you are missing? This is bad news indeed. I've rented* a goat for the weekend to eat your tent! Now I still want my Mummy but I've got a spare Nanny.

* Well not rented sort of bartered, you know I hate spending actual cash!


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Mar 2012)

you could rent the goat out, sort of sub let it.


----------



## Speicher (27 Mar 2012)

This may be something I regret doing  ... can I ask what the Longridge weekend is?


----------



## byegad (28 Mar 2012)

It's the Easter weekend, all four days, at Longridge Towers School just outside Berwick upon Tweed.

Charming good looking people turn up on anything from a Brompton, Fixie, Touring bike or Recumbent to ride for the four days with other charming good looking people. And the SBGG has been there several times too! Last year over half the machines were recumbents.

Jason Patient, all round good fellow and photographer to the stars organises it these days.


----------



## Speicher (28 Mar 2012)

I assume then, Byegad, that you have not been yet.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Mar 2012)

i believe he had a stunt double stand in, i am positive i have seen him fall down a flight of stairs in one of the titanic films.
he was a bit second rate as a actor he kept getting his lines wrong and offering to purchase drinks. i was very suspicious when he went to the bar and no tools where used to open the wallet! the lack of a entourage was also odd, the real byegad would have had staff.

snap was good, the vegie option was well above the norm.


----------



## byegad (29 Mar 2012)

Speicher said:


> I assume then, Byegad, that you have not been yet.


 
Insults? It's a good job your not a Gentleman Speicher other wise it would be limp celery and flying helmets at dawn!


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> Insults? It's a good job your not a Gentleman Speicher other wise it would be limp celery and flying helmets at dawn!


 
a true test of man hood would be jumping the line at the post-office on pension pay out day. the chance of survival would be slim to non.

being a lumpy jumper it is only gentlemanly that the traditional hand bags at ten paces should be employed.
i good amble around the town today, it was like a mini day trip.
i am easily amused you know.[/quote]


----------



## byegad (29 Mar 2012)

Handbags? I can do handbags. Now where did I put my Thermo-nuclear hand-grenade?


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Mar 2012)

byegad said:


> Handbags? I can do handbags. Now where did I put my Thermo-nuclear hand-grenade?


 

that sir would be cheating, standard lumpy jumper handbag rules apply, as laid out in the Mrs Beatons guide to home management 1893.
all combatants having exhausted all other avenues of resolving a dispute ie snide comments about how lovely and possessively glowing there protagonists are and sniping to there friend behind there backs has failed.
text messages and face book should be employed to blacken each others name and reputation.

representations should be made for a meeting on the field/dance floor/pub car park of honour, seconds, thirds, fourths up to as large a gang of scratching bints in white stilettos as can be assembled, with a blood alcohol level of no less than 190mg to 100mls of blood.

no more than one justiciable spanner, 5 packets of opened partly consumed mints, a an-teak pocket packet of tissues, a carbonised date, six paracetamol, a leaflet about visiting some stately home and one woollen glove, should be in the hand bag.
hair pulling kicking while the opponent is on the ground, spiting are to be encouraged and cheered on in a high pitched screaming rant.

bad blood hatred and feuding must be perpetuated for at least three generations, involving as many dim teen boys as can be roped in.


----------



## byegad (31 Mar 2012)

Cobblers! One Nuclear hand grenade hold... pin out... Err what comes next? Err.. Well!.. Umm!..





*BOOM!*


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Apr 2012)

byegad said:


> Cobblers! One Nuclear hand grenade hold... pin out... Err what comes next? Err.. Well!.. Umm!..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
you must count to 5

no 4 sir

what
4 sir you said five
ho ok you count to 4 then lobest the hand grenade and become horizontal
you shall not count to 3 but 4 and six is right out there

i have been intending to changing the front tyres for a week now it is becoming urgent i do this, the patch of canvas / nylon is growing, good job they are slicks and i have three wheels.


----------



## Speicher (2 Apr 2012)

Pardon  

You what  
My hearing seems to be impaired after someone lobbed a grenade into my garden.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Apr 2012)

excellent trick to play on your hard of hearing relatives or bygads.........

me and the kids will steadily talk quietly so my mum keeps turning the volume up on her old analogue hearing aid* we get to the point of whispering, then one of the lads will call the house phone it has a siren and flashing lights, she has in the past reached a altitude of several feet above the chair.

you may say this is cruel, perhaps! but we have a suffered jokes plaid on us from being tots it is a wonder i am not in therapy with things like.
we would be out shopping i would be looking at some thing and when i looked around the she would be full tilt of down the high street or hiding down the road in a shop door way, or the classic pop bottle with the impossible to open top, throwing a paddy about wanting my parents to open the bottle would bring on bouts of hilarious laughter.

be nice to your kids they deicide what home you go in!


*the new digital ones are brought out on occasions warranting there use ?????????


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Apr 2012)

Easter is almost here and as one would expect there is snow drifting past the window, i was going to ride up to lady bower, but by the sounds of there may be snow on the ground.

any one fancy towing a caravan out there for me then brining it back on Tuesday, heated with orthopaedic bed and plasma tv.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Apr 2012)

Is Her Ladyship expecting you ? 


markg0vbr said:


> i was going to ride up to lady bower, .....


'Twould be ungracious/ unservile/ rude not to put in an appearance.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Apr 2012)

the thing is, the guilt edged invitation, never arrived! i am of course a sort after guest at all the gatherings of the upper crust.
i am thinking of limiting my engagements this year to give me time for intellectual pursuits, philosophy and important thinking and stuff like.


----------



## Speicher (5 Apr 2012)

"Gatherings of the upper crust"? The menu includes lots of pies then?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Apr 2012)

this comes form when bread was baked in a wood fired oven all the ash was never brushed form the oven floor,
so the only part of the bread without bcb's (burnt crunchy bits) was the upper crust so this was given to the top table and important people.
i am a member of the guild of master bakers you know, master of the peel and double five strand revers plat.
entertaining and educational i should ask for a top up fee or enhanced royalties.


i really must chang that tyre it is all the way through the anti puncture belt now so not much more and it will be through to the inner tube.
i suppose i could always ride with that wheel in the air i might wonder back and forth across the road a bit but i will still be making progress.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Apr 2012)

new tyres  i promise not to drift the trike with them until they are almost worn out.

while doing a once over i discovered that nearly all the spokes in the back wheel where loose, i have given them a bit of a tighten.

with the strong winds we have been having and some stronger ones on Monday i have reports of a bygad seen in cold stream high street going back wards was this to keep the dust out of his eyes or fighting a head wind and loosing?  not that i would take liberty's with him while he is indisposed AFK at a IRW event.

it is a biter disappointment to me that i could not make the trip if the trains were trike friendly ie i could ride to the station and then ride the trike straight on to the guards van have a snooze and ride off at the other end i could have gone one day all cross country trains will have a guards van or cycle carriage and all stations will have easy access. we have been promised a integrated transport system, i will wait with bated breath.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Apr 2012)

chain tubing, you don't think about them until some thing goes wrong, it is amazing what you can do with a bit of string.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Apr 2012)

torrential rain is not conducive to a pleasant ride, unfortunately i still have no sponsorship for a velowmobile, a pop up brolly just is not the same.


the chain tube has now been secured and is now free floating on the chain with one flexible connection to stop it shooting up to the chain ring.

i am beginning to worry about the missionary sent up north no word from him and the indigenousness aborigines can be a bit odd at times.


----------



## byegad (11 Apr 2012)

There is a golden rule with a Nuclear Hand-grenade. Get someone else to throw it!

The hair will grow again and the charred bits of me are slowly growing new skin.

Our SBGG was missing from Bike Rite and it was a great success. There are some that think this is cause and effect. They may be right.


----------



## Speicher (12 Apr 2012)

Byegad, did you employ the Arthur Slowbottom over-arm bowling method?

Or did you attempt to throw it using the more complex and difficult method as favoured by people wearing lumpy jumpers?

The  method is achieved using careful calculations involving the weight of said object and the trajectory needed. These calculations are done at lightening speed.

Furthermore, you say that Our SBGG was not there. This implies that other sbgg were there.
Is there a comparision to be made?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Apr 2012)

please make sure you are keeping a record of the use of SBGG as it is mow trade marked.
as it has become apparent people are using the name to describe generic individuals, this has the affect of devaluing the name. 
it is one of the burdens we astonishingly beautiful exceptional athletes carry, constant vigilance.

there is a ride to work initiative i will put the details up tomorrow.


----------



## Speicher (12 Apr 2012)

When you carry constant vigilance, do you put it in your panniers, or under your seat?


----------



## byegad (12 Apr 2012)

I remember Constance Vigilant she was a 'friendly' girl. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! Know what I mean?


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Apr 2012)

there is a prize draw for them that do the ride to work thing!
*Try Cycling to Work*

Would you like to get fit, save money, and do your bit for the environment?

Rotherham Council is launching a *Try Cycling to Work programme*. Everything you need to cycle to work will be provided
*FREE *of charge for a 4 week trial: 

·A quality bike and accessories (a limited number of electric bikes are also available). 
·Assistance with route planning to work.
·Cycle training and guided rides for groups/ individuals if required.
·Cycle maintenance support.
·Secure bike parking, clean showers and lockers are also available in the basement of Riverside House and at some other buildings.

All you need to do is cycle to work as often as you can over a 4 week challenge period. At the end of the programme you can
give your bike back or if you like the bike and accessories you can purchase them for a *substantial discount* off the normal
retail price.

Existing cyclists are also welcome to register for the programme. 

There will be a bike try out day on Tuesday 17th April and Wednesday 18th April outside the main entrance to Riverside House
where you can choose your bike, or bring your existing bike along for a free check up.

The 4 week cycling challenge will take place from 4th May to 1st June.

If you would like to register for the programme go to:

As a thank you, all participants will be entered into a prize draw at the end of the programme.

For further information contact:


Council contacts for local information about the scheme are:


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Apr 2012)

should be fun i dont think there will be a lot do it though.
i hope some do though might make the roads a bit safer if some of the road planers have to ride in to work.


----------



## byegad (15 Apr 2012)

I'd love to ride to whatever that word is. But as a Gentleman of independent means I don't do the 'W' thing.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Apr 2012)

of 2000 staff 8 commute on a regular basis, all men, there is accommodation for 300 bikes.
it will be interesting to see who joins in.
how many extra commuters we get.


----------



## BenM (17 Apr 2012)

road planer.... you mean something like this  - one of those on a bike I would love to see! I guess it might use up one or two parking spaces in the bike park!


----------



## byegad (17 Apr 2012)

We could do with a road planer around here the roads would be much smoother after it passed by.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Apr 2012)

the tan line on my head is getting to the point of being a problem, it looks like i have a screw top head.


----------



## byegad (17 Apr 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> the tan line on my head is getting to the point of being a problem, it looks like i have a screw top loose head.


 
FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Apr 2012)

there should be 40 staff give the ride to work a go !


----------



## BenM (19 Apr 2012)

how many road planers? I think we should be told as (not road)tax paying citizens of the republic (or something). After all with 300 bike spaces and 40 people biking there are plenty to spare - have you thought about exporting them to, say, London?

I would travel MILES (well inches if you are lucky) to see a road planer on a bike!


----------



## Scoosh (19 Apr 2012)

BenM said:


> road planer.... you mean something like this  - one of those on a bike I would love to see! I guess it might use up one or two parking spaces in the bike park!


Interesting that the 'Key Figures' for that particular Road Planer use a half-full water tank, a half-full fuel tank and a (presumably half full) driver of .... 75kg ! 

Just like all our road planing/maintenance men !


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Apr 2012)

BenM said:


> how many road planers? I think we should be told as (not road)tax paying citizens of the republic (or something). After all with 300 bike spaces and 40 people biking there are plenty to spare - have you thought about exporting them to, say, London?
> 
> I would travel MILES (well inches if you are lucky) to see a road planer on a bike!


 
well 40 have signed up how mainy actuly ride in??? the road team have the grand total of 0 the man that has booked all this has not got a bike, he decides what paths are up graded to shaird paths and serficed.
i did sort of pin him in a corner and point out the gaping gap in the off road path that if instegated would link doncaster to sheffield city centre.
the path from town center railway station to sheffield center is to be surficed if the funding comes through that has been aplied for.


----------



## byegad (19 Apr 2012)

Rawmarsh must have the smoothest roads in Yorkshire!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Apr 2012)

it may be the end of the week but it is the beginning of the end of the beginning for staff beginning the final run-up to the elections.
the proses is very complicated and there are lots of safeguards and hoops to be jumped through before the day. it is a shame no one seems to be bothered of course a chunk of the local population are not eligible to vote the rest cant be bothered, the last time i was in involved the turn out was 18% of the people registered to vote. no one knows what percentage of people entitled to register don't.

as i explained to the incumbent representative of one ward, bashing on about he spoke for the people, "who? the 275 that voted for you, of a roll of over 2000 in a ward where over 5000 live! so who speaks for the over 4000 who did not want you then?". er...........me! ok as long as we have that sorted out then, he sort of lost the thread of what he was saying and wondered off. 

i will be manning the 3rd floor on the 5th, as almost every one will be getting there £150 on top of there days pay for doing the voting thing. i cant do it apparently as i use a wheel chair and crutches. i am however considered able to cover 5 different sections by myself though, i will need new tyres on the chair by the end of the day.
i will be better of taking the trike in, the lads in the loading bay do the post ect have had pedometers on and say each lap of the 12 floors is 3 miles, they do 3 laps a day.

in inclement weather when i cant go for a push around town, i go down there to get some fresh air as the office is all air conditioned and i can do some laps of the under ground to get the blood pumping a bit.
they have a brew waiting for me as they see me coming on the cameras and keep me up to date on the latest big ideas floating about, so i tend to know what is going on in the office before any one els, as they don't talk to the minions that keep the place going.

i am really looking forward to next week as i went around taging the parking bays that will be painted up as for disabled drivers  they are the ones on the end of rows or where supports mean the bays are a bit bigger, the ones that people with flashy cars come in at 8am to snag so no one parks near to there car. well it needed doing and i thought i would volunteer, i got no joy out of it at all


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Apr 2012)

i have had a failed modified cleat today
i will know more when the drugs wear off, i may give up walking altogether it is a risky mode of transport.
wet tiled floors, crutches and one built up cleat.i am looking in to going to a former soviet block country to have a third leg fitted.


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2012)

Rather than modifying your cleat have you considered altering the relevant crank? You can get all kinds of weird devices to change the effective crank length in each rotation.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Apr 2012)

yes they all have the same problem, you end up with different crank lengths and different leverage/ rotation so you have to adjust the boom length to in-between where it should be for ether leg.
not a problem for 1 to 5mm discrepancy you may or may-not notice it but at 12 to 16mm you can feel it pulling on tendons ect.
the ones with mid crank pivot are only any good for some one with limited knee movement, i need a thicker peddle or a spacer.
i have cut a hole in some of my old crock clogs so i can pop that in to make the cleat recessed and make it better for walking.
every thing is in or as near to working order today as i normally is, i may be investing in rubber in a big way soon.

what contraption was used at the towers?
my new tag-along for when i start commuting again






i put a request through cycle to work, but have not had a reply yet.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Apr 2012)

the velomobile is within reach.


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2012)

No Mark, you can get a swing attachment which avoids that.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Apr 2012)

i will hunt around see if i can find some where to have a go with one, as you know this is the problem, finding places that have this kind of thing set up.
good news apart from a slight twinge in the non lumpy jumper bits all is ok.

i did a service this week and found most of the spokes in the non dish side of the back wheel had next to no tension on them. the front 16" are solid, i think it is because the 20" wheals are done on a contraption.


----------



## byegad (23 Apr 2012)

Try Hase they do a lot of adaptations.


----------



## Speicher (24 Apr 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i will hunt around see if i can find some where to have a go with one, as you know this is the problem, finding places that have this kind of thing set up.
> good news apart from a slight twinge in the non lumpy jumper bits all is ok.


 
Unfortunately, as a lumpy jumper wearer I am unable to offer any support to your predickament regarding slight twinges.


----------



## BenM (24 Apr 2012)

As a lumpy jumper wearer you are probably the cause of some of his twinges but he is too shy and retiring (like all Yorkshire people) to say anything


----------



## byegad (24 Apr 2012)

Ha! Ha! Ha! Shy, yes that's right! You'd never know he was there.


----------



## BenM (25 Apr 2012)

> You'd never know he was there.


Everyone says how quiet he is and he is always on about his sylph like figure... surely they can't all be wrong?


----------



## Scoosh (25 Apr 2012)

He's a


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Apr 2012)

i have been a humble student of Eky-thump though was slightly hampered, in my rise in the art as black pudding was fa-baden to me.
i was inducted to the most secret aspect of Yorkshire Kung fu, vegetarian Eky-thump VET, indeed stealth is a large part of VET muffled hobnail clogs* are used also black enameled tin mugs**
it uses the mystic teachings of Gumm, to train the body and mind, to pas the induction test one must be able to discern the year and denomination of any coin droped on the floor by the noise it makes, be able to detect boiling water hiting tealeaves from 1/4 of a mile away and understand all 174 inflections of "alreight"

as some of you know i am a bit of a introvert and prefer to be in the background of things, i always try to ride in the center of the peloton on the naked bike rides i do.
i try never to have an opinion about anything unless really pressed to express mine.

today as the raining was bucketing down i went for a spin around meadowhall, this was pleasant as my number one mini me came with me.
i only ran over one lads foot***, well she actually walked into me as she was texting and walking, it was quite traumatic for me until i ascertained she had not scratched the paint on my wheel rims. 


*the clogs have sprung loaded nails which can be retracted like a cats claws
**normally a Yorkshire man will only drink tea from a what was once a white tin mug so he can judge the tea stain build up on the inside of the mug for quality and to see that he is not being served a week inferior brew.
***you know i never felt a thing.


----------



## Speicher (25 Apr 2012)

I am confusled by your discription of a lad as "she". In this county of Southwestshire, lads are usually of the nomenclature of male.


----------



## byegad (26 Apr 2012)

The SBGG is easily confused. He once spent all day looking at a selection of garden forks in B&Q after an assistant told him to take his pick from them.


----------



## BenM (26 Apr 2012)

I once asked someone where I could get fork handles from and they sent me to Price's...


----------



## Speicher (26 Apr 2012)

I once bought a horse from the Blacksmith. The first thing the horse did in his new home was to make a bolt for the door.


----------



## Speicher (26 Apr 2012)

byegad said:


> The SBGG is easily confused. He once spent all day looking at a selection of garden forks in B&Q after an assistant told him to take his pick from them.


 
I believe his still has that fork, but he has changed the handle, and the tines.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Apr 2012)

i went for a look around my new office today it is decorated in a washed out bile green and i will be issued a vertical mouse 
i will be working mid week  to spread my expertise and widen the skills base of the team as much as possible gosh!

the "harmony garden"* flooded today, at least it washed away most of the tab ends n crisp packets, always look for the silver lining.

*some bags of gravel raked about with bits of broken concrete thrown on


----------



## byegad (26 Apr 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i went for a look around my new office today it is decorated in a washed out bile green and i will be issued a vertical mouse
> i will be working mid week  to spread my expertise and widen the skills base of the team as much as possible gosh!
> 
> the "harmony garden"* flooded today, at least it washed away most of the tab ends n crisp packets, always look for the silver lining.
> ...


 
Aah! You mean cat litter and smoker's skiving out of work for a crafty smoke and chat during the time the non -smokers are doing all of the work area. Should have said!


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Apr 2012)

yep thats it.

the building has flood gates so if the river busts its banks they can shut the gates, this involves a care taker coming out and closing them, then shoving them in to a slot with a modified car jack.
when i came home today we had a good 6" left on the bank of the river.
non of that softy southern river Thames barrier rubbish up here, we have Bill and an old car jack cos we are hard! and poor

good news the non lumpy jumper bit have sustained no permanent injury  and i will wear the mankiny again.


----------



## byegad (28 Apr 2012)

Well it wasn't worth spending a lot on flood defences. I heard last time that area was flooded many buildings were washed away or badly damaged and £13.50's worth of damage was caused.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Apr 2012)

ararararrrg we are cut off with flood water
there is a welly hight flood at the end of the road not a big problem in a car but on the trike it would come up to my chin.
taking the other road then going cross country, i would have to cross a stream that is now flowing over the bridge at a considerable speed. 

send oat cakes, ginger beer and custard sandwiches to keep me going until the flood waters drop.


----------



## byegad (29 Apr 2012)

Rawmarsh cut off?

RESULT!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Apr 2012)

i managed to get across, some one got some pallets and strung them together and made a sort of pontoon bridge.

the wind was blowing down one of th big hills so i was doing over 30mph for the sharp left, even out riging the wind got under the lifted side and took me to the point of no return, my £5 boil in the bag rain back to front coat did a wonderful job of melting as i slid along the road, slowing me down and protecting me.
the crash bung on my wheel took all the damage the the rest of the trike is ok, i was not hurt, though did have a bit of a problem getting my bad leg out of the spd, as i cant twist it very well now.

the biggest climb of my rid up a back road that is a 3 mile long stream bed every time we have a bit of rain, i had one twit in a car behind me, ranting and tooting his horn and gesticulating for me to get out of the way.
i stopped turned around and asked him what he wanted? then pointed to the 4ft deep water filled ditch and asked where? he just had to steam for a bit until i cranked up the road a bit to a passing point.


----------



## byegad (30 Apr 2012)

There you go again. Performing stunts when I'm not there to record it for posterity.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 May 2012)

today i went to see my bike  the new sub frame had just arrived and was about to be installed. 
she needs a servoectomy and a service, then it will be ready for mot/tax/dvla inspection then wait for the paper work to come through.

every thing that can be done to make it imposable for customization of bikes is being done, the process of sva is now almost imposable to get through.
simple dvla inspections are now almost as rigorous as the sva used to be.
now news that the driving license is being messed about with again, any one that passes there car test ofter the beginning of next year will have to pass a motorbike test to ride a trike! there are some very odd things in the new categorys and complicated.
mr plod will have fun trying to sort them out.

tomorrow
is the first day of the cycle to work thing, some of the long distance commuters are driving most of the way to work then riding the rest. i may go in on the hand bike, now there will be some riders on the road.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 May 2012)

i did the commute on the hand bike, it was hard work as i had not been on it for a while.
there did not appear to be any extra bikes in the cadge! next week might be different.


----------



## byegad (4 May 2012)

Don't wake him up, he's happy dreaming.


----------



## Speicher (9 May 2012)

Has everyone been asleep since last Friday?

I am sorry to have ab sconeded from this thread without a note in triplicate. I am now in recovery from an orrible colb in the nobe, and a nafty coff, and saw froat, and acheses and pains.  How is every one else? 

So far today I have managed to eat some pawridge, and had a bath, made two phone calls, and now I am watching four days in Dunkirk.


----------



## Scoosh (9 May 2012)

Speicher said:


> Has everyone been asleep since last Friday?
> 
> I am sorry to have ab sconeded from this thread without a note in triplicate. I am now in recovery from an orrible colb in the nobe, and a nafty coff, and saw froat, and acheses and pains.  How is every one else?
> 
> So far today I have managed to eat some pawridge, and had a bath, made two phone calls, and now I am watching four days in Dunkirk.


Sobby to ear ob your alements. Hobe ou ged bedder quick 

Good to see you are catching up, watching 4 days in Dunkirk in 1 in uk


----------



## byegad (9 May 2012)

Zzzzz...ZZzzzzz...Zzzzzzzzz.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 May 2012)

shshshshsh bless he has drooped off


byegad said:


> Zzzzz...ZZzzzzz...Zzzzzzzzz.


 
i have been engaged in a strategic reorganization and evaluation exorcise (boss wanted some crap shifting from one locker on the 2nd floor to a locker on the 3rd floor)

a grandparent cure for blocked nasal passages is to shove a bike pump up one and pump vigorously.
in my house a cold is seen as a weakness and the kids take advantage, being a burly not lumpy jumper, i only ever get smooth jumper flue.
several days not stand up and large bowls of stew, make ones thick chest hair lustrous again.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 May 2012)

three days of commuting on the hand bike.
it gets the blood pumping.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 May 2012)

warning i have just been informed it is dangerous to put a bike pump up your nose to clear your head out!
a the safety elf was quit agitated  by my perpetuating this treatment, his recommendation is a knitting needle shoved up there and swirled about.

all hale friction shifters, i had a cable start to give way today so switched over to friction from index.
this save me rolling about on the floor putting a new cable on at the side of the road.


i have had a look at the cycle to work thingy of 40 that put in for it, 12 so far have had a go.

12
participants 387.5
miles cycled
11,625*
calories burnt 77.50 kg*
carbon emissions saved


----------



## byegad (10 May 2012)

Wassat?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2012)

that how much mileage and wobbly bit stuff burnt in the proses .


----------



## markg0vbr (14 May 2012)

it was a historic day, to day, the mayor complete with paparazzi came to cut the ribbon on the new 120ft of pavement at the edge of the village. it was deeply moving and will live long in my memory of historic events in and around Rotherham.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 May 2012)

i cant tell how we are doing as we have the lowest number of participants in the history of the program, the next lowest was a tower block in London that managed 38 people taking part.
gooooooo Rotherham.

Results to date
13 participants
612.5 miles cycled
18,375* calories burnt
122.50 kg* carbon emissions saved


----------



## Speicher (15 May 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> warning i have just been informed it is dangerous to put a bike pump up your nose to clear your head out!
> a the safety elf was quit agitated  by my perpetuating this treatment, his recommendation is a knitting needle shoved up there and swirled about.
> 
> all hale friction shifters, i had a cable start to give way today so switched over to friction from index.
> ...





markg0vbr said:


> i cant tell how we are doing as we have the lowest number of participants in the history of the program, the next lowest was a tower block in London that managed 38 people taking part.
> gooooooo Rotherham.
> 
> Results to date
> ...


 
Can I admit to puzzlement regarding the above statsiticks.


----------



## byegad (16 May 2012)

Now she's puddled! Page 81 and she admits to being puzzled. Sigh!

I've been puzzlated since I first met the SBGG. Why is he here? Who brought him here? What can we do to make him go away? These were just some of the questions i asked myself, passers-by and even the SBGG himself.

Sadly my Universal Translator (TM Star Trek) was broken that day so I only got one word in three from his Good Godliness and had to guess the rest.

Since then the West Yorkshire Revolutionary Committee for the Workers, Layabouts and Benefit Scroungers, the Yorkshire National government, the UK government, both the Commons and the Lords , the EU and the UN have failed to come up with a solution. Notice no English National government, a sad lack in the UK's range of the witless and wise ruling classes. Maybe if we'd had one we could have found a solution from them?


----------



## Scoosh (18 May 2012)

> Notice no English National government, a sad lack in the UK's range of the witless and wise ruling classes. Maybe if we'd had one we could have found a solution from them?


Not if our experience up here is anything to go by - but you might have a very expensive new house for it !


----------



## markg0vbr (18 May 2012)

like the Sioux nation of north America Yorkshire is to declare its self a republic.

"Can I admit to puzzlement regarding the above statsiticks. "
*Miles**Miles Date **Calories **Carbon **
30.0 18th May 2012 900 6.00kg

7.0 17th May 2012 210 1.40kg

7.0 16th May 2012 210 1.40kg

7.0 15th May 2012 210 1.40kg

30.0 14th May 2012 900 6.00kg

25.0 13th May 2012 750 5.00kg

30.0 11th May 2012 900 6.00kg

30.0 10th May 2012 900 6.00kg

7.0 09th May 2012 210 1.40kg

7.0 08th May 2012 210 1.40kg

25.0 07th May 2012 750 5.00kg

25.0 06th May 2012 750 5.00kg

25.0 05th May 2012 750 5.00kg

7.0 04th May 2012 210 1.40kg

* - 200g of carbon emissions are saved per mile of a journey by bike (instead of a car)
the interesting bit you dont see on the record is the number and condition* of dead animals i see on my rides.
in the nice weather, the shapely defined profile of cycling i promote powering along in my Lycra body suit or mankiney.

i really need to get my back saved again, the trim at the front was only partly successful, my plan of trimming it to look like a map of Yorkshire failed as i did not take into account the affect of using a mirror, it ended up back to front! this is ok as car drivers see it ok when looking back via there mirrors.

i am just siting down to look through the calendar and book my holidays, i will be at York again, i may re do the ride i did last year up to grassington then across to york on the way of the roses.
the lack of enthusiasm from my kids for the trip is heartening.


*squishiness, bloating, maggot ridden.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 May 2012)

i used the word emancipate three time today!

please send tins of prunes and tea bags.


----------



## Speicher (20 May 2012)

There is a good variety of shops near here, but I am not cognisant of one where I can procure tinned teabags.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 May 2012)

army surplus k rations


----------



## markg0vbr (20 May 2012)

toothpaste tube lids as well.
i have a cunning plan.


----------



## Speicher (20 May 2012)

Righty ho!  there is one of the those on the way to Inkberrow. Do you need any other army surplus items? A tank, camouflage kit, large rucksack or a tent?


----------



## byegad (21 May 2012)

Do they do Army surplus brains? We could do a transplant. I can ask Igor to do it he's very good at these things.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 May 2012)

the quest for the perfect trike jacket flap stiffener thingy continues. extensive testing of the vinal/ cardboard is promising but not perfect.
on the catrike it works to about 90% of hoped for performance, it is lacking on the trice though with the higer seat angle it will not stay in place without some sort of strap.
development will continue.


----------



## byegad (22 May 2012)

If we did transplant an Army Surplus brain we could sell the SBGG's old one as second hand* but unused.

*OK Second head, but that brings images of Zaphod Beeblebrox.


----------



## Speicher (22 May 2012)

Zaphod Beeblebrox was he the chap who was voted worst dressed Sentient Being in the known Universe for seven consequetive times? How many times has Our SBGG won the best dressed Sentient Being lemonade accolade?


----------



## byegad (22 May 2012)

Speicher said:


> Zaphod Beeblebrox was he the chap who was voted worst dressed Sentient Being in the known Universe for seven consequetive times? How many times has Our SBGG won the best dressed Sentient Being lemonade accolade?


 
Never and the Devil will be driving to work in a snow plough long before he gets any such award.

However he's top of the polls for Village idiot of the millennium awards, 1000AD to 2000Ad and has already won the award for 2000-3000AD.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 May 2012)

is there a trick to getting hony covered cereal out of chest hair?

i am planing my holidays, if i can have October November and December off, or spread the days about so no one will be shore when i will turn up!


----------



## markg0vbr (23 May 2012)

holiday booked!

next how will i get there? over the hills around Manchester and up to the way of the roses?


----------



## markg0vbr (27 May 2012)

i am once again fully sun bronzed! next to no white bits photos to follow.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 May 2012)

gosh don't the top of your head get hot when you don't wear a hat!


with fully charged solar panel, i have now done 536 miles this month and had 1 day when i did not ride.


----------



## Speicher (29 May 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i am once again fully sun bronzed! next to no white bits photos to follow.


 
 Where did the photos end up?

This is a family-friedlyTM site, after all


----------



## Scoosh (29 May 2012)

Speicher said:


> Where did the photos end up?


Hopefully, on a web page very far from here !


----------



## Speicher (29 May 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Hopefully, on a web page very far from here !


That's ok then.  I prefer not to have a surprise.


----------



## byegad (30 May 2012)

No worries Speicher old chap(ess). You'd have laughed not been surprised. At least that's what 99.997% of all women do when they see him 'in his glory'.


----------



## Speicher (8 Jun 2012)

Has everyone been away on holiday? Why did you not send me a postcard?


----------



## Speicher (19 Jun 2012)

Still no postcards?


----------



## byegad (20 Jun 2012)

I sent you one Speicher old chapess. It's with Royal Snail so expect it any time in the next century. I really should be careful complaining about the mail. After all they _may_ find out where I live.

I got a Father's day card yesterday, posted at the same time, in the same box as another item from No.2 son. That arrived halfway through last week. Meanwhile we've been waiting for a parcel, due on Friday to no avail.

I'll be going to York show for just one day, probably Saturday as I'm waiting for a surgeon to decide if my dicky knee is worthy of a knife or the shares in Cocodamol will stay high. Camping is so hard on the knees what with putting the tent up, taking it down and rolling the damn thing up. If I time things right I'll be able to miss the SBGG otherwise the best looking person on the field will be seen with... the SBGG.


----------



## Scoosh (20 Jun 2012)

One appreciates that there are times when one wants to 'slum it' a bit  - but surely there are limits .

When one has had the _experience_ of slumming and the years advance, surely now is the time to have the Byegad Towers staff trotting dutifully behind one, all primed and ready to erect the tent [Ooo-er  ], prepare the hot bath, warm the ground underneath where one will repose, establish the correct location of the chaise-longue etc etc.

Bed-warming itself is entirely optional.


----------



## byegad (20 Jun 2012)

Sadly the York Rally authorities banned the Byegad Pavilion five years ago. They said as it could be seen from orbit it was too large to count as a tent, and anyway they wanted room for at least five other people on the campsite.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jun 2012)

It will be an odd sort of rally with only six people there.


----------



## byegad (20 Jun 2012)

Which is why we were banned. I suspect envy played a part and I would have allowed the staff to attend, 50% each day, taking attendance to several hundred each day.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jun 2012)

Yes, but would you have invited our esteemed SBGG to attend? Always assuming that he has not gone on holiday to the Maldives, ......without me. 

Furthermore do you allow your staff to look after SBGG?


----------



## byegad (21 Jun 2012)

Speicher said:


> Yes, but would you have invited our esteemed SBGG to attend? Always assuming that he has not gone on holiday to the Maldives, ......without me.
> 
> Furthermore do you allow your staff to look after SBGG?


 
Don't be silly Speicher. Of course I wouldn't. We Aristocrats didn't get where we are by being nice to people (Except by toadying up to the King or Queen of the day.). We got where we are by grinding the rest of the population into the mud and working them to death The self styled SBGG is frankly a peasant and deserves to be flogged for his presumption in trying to 'better' himself above the station to which he was born. If it was a wet weekend we may have allowed him to wait by the main entrance to the Byegad pavilion and throw himself into the mud for us to step on him and so avoid muddying our expensive footwear.


----------



## Scoosh (21 Jun 2012)

byegad said:


> ......The self styled SBGG is frankly a peasant and deserves to be flogged for his presumption in trying to 'better' himself above the station siding to in which he was born. If it were a wet weekend we may have allowed him to wait by the main entrance to the Byegad pavilion and throw himself into the mud for us to step on him and so avoid muddying our expensive footwear.


FTFY !


----------



## byegad (21 Jun 2012)

Siding! That explains the rust. I thought his El Cheapo leg repair screws* were leaching through.

He claims they were titanium but I suspect they were Japanned black from the local hardware shop. I know for a fact the 'surgeon' has a certificate from Calcutta University Veterinary School with 'Failed' printed across it.


----------



## byegad (26 Jun 2012)

Looms like I had a lucky escape with York. The clip someone put on the VV forum showed high wind and mud on the camp site. As the Byegad marquee has more canvas than the Cutty Sark the servants would have been too knackered to do the rest of their flunking over the weekend. Hopefully I'll be there next year.


----------



## Scoosh (26 Jun 2012)

byegad said:


> Looms like I had a lucky escape with York.


 


 any Yorkshire folk ??


----------



## Speicher (26 Jun 2012)

Looms like! is that ye olde expressionism from t northern mills like?


----------



## byegad (26 Jun 2012)

I'm a proud Yorkshireman, after all I am the Yorkshire Cultural Ambassador to County Durham, aka the frozen North!

While we don't get the rain that a certain unmentionable neighbouring county* gets we do get some. Sadly last weekend was one of the odd occasions when the rain was less than refreshing! More near drowning from some of the reports!

* A small hint, their roses are the wrong colour!
* Another small hint when God created the Earth he practised on the rest of the world then made England which was near perfect, so he tried harder and made Yorkshire, the best of the best....



....Then he tipped all the rubbish left over on the West side of the Pennines, where those lucky Yorkshire folk can't see it.


----------



## n-ick (1 Jul 2012)

Yo, minions and regular scibers......back from the very frontiers.
This most scribable of posts still here then.

Tha's not seen weather like in Middle Earth here. Last week we had hailstones size of hens.Never seen hailstones with feathers on before, quite frozen looking.
I also saw for the 2nd time a curio roadkill; 2 legs and fur. What creatures inhabit the night?

Are these symptons of RECOVERY ? Has the unipod gone into banking?


----------



## byegad (3 Jul 2012)

I gather his brain has rusted up, along with his partly tin leg. 

We had no rain today! So lucky me got to drive to the Out-Laws and mow the lawn, then to the tip to get rid of the several hundredweights of grass. The Pygmies were well annoyed that they'll have to move on now the grass isn't tall enough to hide them.

Tomorrow I see the surgeon who will no doubt decide to wait before doing my dicky knee. Wish me luck!


----------



## jayjay (4 Jul 2012)

Good luck!
Knees only mildly squeaky here.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jul 2012)

I'm afraid that the knees here are softened by kneeling on the mud and praying for the rain to stop.We also have a crop of exploding gooseberries.
I am now looking forward to a waterlogged Olymptopic event.

I have contacted the newly mobile ( on the road again) *Spud* for a knee levitation device based on a hovering cushion. Once finalised a pair will be sent to the Rotherham Unipod,of whom no news has circulated in local periodicals.


----------



## byegad (4 Jul 2012)

Bad news! ... My knee has arthritic damage.
Good news! ... It's not too bad. 
Worse news. ... It's only going to get worse! 
Better news?? ... On my 61st birthday, I'm fa r too young to have it replaced!  Cos the new one will last 15 yrs max!

So more pain ahead before they'll do it. Maybe I should d my best to b*gg*! it completely asap?

Any thoughts.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jul 2012)

calculate when you will no longer be needing your knee, for whatever reason 
subtract 15 years
get booked in at the start of that year 
make the most of the 15 years
enjoy setting off all the metal detectors at any travel place in the UK and elsewhere 
On a more serious note, that was the exact position in which my F-i-L found himself a few years ago.
He's since had both knees done (to great beneficial effect) - but I don't think he's been counting the years since ... 
My thoughts are not very good, I'm afraid.


----------



## byegad (5 Jul 2012)

Thanks Scoosh. I'm already wondering how much I'll be doing at 76, if I'm spared!

Off to see my quack on Monday with a view to weight loss and pain relief. I'm not exactly fat, more way, way short for my weight.


----------



## Speicher (5 Jul 2012)

byegad said:


> Thanks Scoosh. I'm already wondering how much I'll be doing at 76, if I'm spared!
> 
> Off to see my quack on Monday with a view to weight loss and pain relief. I'm not exactly fat, more way, way short for my weight.


 
Strangely enuff, Byegad, I am way way short for my weight. I should be about 6 or 8 inches taller. I blame my Russian and German and Persian ancestors for that.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jul 2012)

byegad said:


> Thanks Scoosh. I'm already wondering how much I'll be doing at 76, if I'm spared!
> F-i-L was still doing 20 mile walks at 78 ...
> 
> Off to see my quack on Monday with a view to weight loss and pain relief. I'm not exactly fat, more way, way short for my weight.


Weight loss (preferably 20 yrs ago !) will certainly have a major impact on the knees, as it's all that extra weight-related-impact which might have done the damage up to now, though, ironically, cycling will have helped to reduce those effects. Just think of how bad it _could_ be !  []

From my team sports days, I have noticed an interesting progression for those who participate:
rugby + 1 -> hockey + 2 -> cycling + 3 -> swimming ....
.... usually associated with the following progression of conditions:

knee cartilage 
young family
pension
Grim Reaper 
 
I'm desperately hanging on to the Cycling bit (though I used to swim competitively when younger)

YMMV


----------



## n-ick (5 Jul 2012)

Will fear of work improve the knee life?

I'd ask our Rain soaked GG for an exchange. I beleive his troubles are higher
up.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jul 2012)

This looks interesting - though, as so often, a bit late for some of us ... all right for the young chooks !


----------



## byegad (6 Jul 2012)

n-ick said:


> Will fear of work improve the knee life?
> 
> I'd ask our Rain soaked GG for an exchange. I beleive his troubles are higher
> up.


There's always someone worse off than yourself and you've cheered me up with that one. I'm better off than he was before he smashed himself up.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Jul 2012)

He smashed himself up ??? 

What happened ? 

I thought he was always like this/that .... 

Have I been missing something important in this whole thread ? 

Oh - and GWS "Rain soaked GG" 



[]


----------



## Speicher (6 Jul 2012)

A big




for GG. He has probably lost the SB part.

Byegad, would you pass on this



to Mark please.


----------



## Speicher (6 Jul 2012)

I hesitate to ask you to pass on a .


----------



## Scoosh (6 Jul 2012)

I think everyone in Britainshire has lost the SB bit ...


----------



## byegad (6 Jul 2012)

Speicher said:


> A big
> View attachment 10669
> for GG. He has probably lost the SB part.
> 
> ...


 

YUK! No way Speicher old chapess, do your own dirty work! As for a ........................................






*Dirty Girl! *


----------



## n-ick (13 Jul 2012)

Is there news of the Soggy Soaked Greek God ?
I observe that on his facebook page he besports a huge motorbike with
potential enough to become a donar.


----------



## byegad (14 Jul 2012)

Maybe they found out where he lived and sent back to the asylum?


----------



## Scoosh (14 Jul 2012)

He's got a big motor now  - no longer a 'real' cyclist  , obviously


----------



## n-ick (18 Jul 2012)

Will have to scour the deprived areas of Rotherham for a sighting.
Will take mirrors and beads this time, useful to check own id aswell.


----------



## byegad (18 Jul 2012)

n-ick said:


> Will have to scour the deprived _depraved_ areas of Rotherham for a sighting.
> Will take mirrors and beads this time, useful to check own id aswell.


 
FTFY


----------



## n-ick (20 Jul 2012)

He'd make a good shrunken head, no brain to remove either.


----------



## byegad (21 Jul 2012)

I'm beginning to wonder if our 'hero' is ill or has finally wrapped himself around a solid object on his all too frequent excursions off the road.


----------



## n-ick (24 Jul 2012)

No way, the man is elastic held together with NHS screws. I heard that he was appearing in the Lympic open ceremony, posing in one our rural heritage scenes.


----------



## Scoosh (24 Jul 2012)

n-ick said:


> No way, the man is elastic held together with NHS screws. I heard that he was appearing in the Lympic open ceremony, posing in as one our rural heritage scenes.


FTFY


----------



## n-ick (27 Jul 2012)

Think I spotted himself at the rehearsal, is he 3rd monkey on the right ?


----------



## byegad (27 Jul 2012)

I'd have thought they'd have type-cast him as SBGG...










or village idiot.


----------



## n-ick (27 Jul 2012)

No, it definately himself being strapped to a large rocket shaped firework inclined at an angle to the ground. I think he was screaming with delight at being chosen.

Anyone hear any bells this morning ?
Nothing here, they only ring all the bells here when someone's found a job or the Orcs attack.


----------



## Scoosh (27 Jul 2012)




----------



## byegad (28 Jul 2012)

n-ick said:


> No, it definately himself being strapped to a large rocket shaped firework inclined at an angle to the ground. I think he was screaming with delight at being chosen.
> 
> Anyone hear any bells this morning ?
> Nothing here, they only ring all the bells here when someone's found a job or the Orcs attack.


 
Not a tinkle, even the Catholic Church didn't ring theirs, and they seem to have the thing clanging tunelessly away for almost any reason.


----------



## byegad (28 Jul 2012)

Scoosh said:


>


 
I thought I spotted him passing over Byegad Towers about midnight as I was walking back from the Milkmaids hut. There was no noise but, in space, no-one can hear you scream.


----------



## n-ick (28 Jul 2012)

Probably in low orbit, always thought that he was out of this world.
Will try other mediums to contact.

My spies tell me that parts of the country; Weymouth are indeed cut off by changing roundabouts to traffic lights and closing roads. I have not heard from Kingston upon Thames, perhaps all is cut off and lost.
Neither has there been word of Rotherham.... is it still there?
What creatures stalk the night roads ?


----------



## BenM (1 Aug 2012)

> My spies tell me that parts of the country; Weymouth are indeed cut off by changing roundabouts to traffic lights and closing roads


sir, your spies are misleading you.

Unfortunately the attempt at cutting Weymouth off from the rest of the country has failed and I can confirm that the trip, by car, from the town to civilization (well Dorchester anyway) has changed from a 40-50 minute 8 mile crawl to a 10 minute breeze. Cycling the distance is much better also with the provision of a wide footpath/cyclepath alongside the new road - no more enraged motons flying past as one struggles up the ridgeway - indeed the old road is now part of the cycle path. The traffic lights also make cycling in and around town more pleasant (and driving as well but I won't admit to doing that).[/quote][/quote]


----------



## byegad (4 Aug 2012)

Could we learn from these mistakes and perhaps make a successful job of cutting off London from civilisation, aka the rest of the country? Worth a try and look at the rewards. We'd loose tens of thousands of uncivilservants and load of politicians including that buffoon Boris and thousands of greedy bankers.

Well worth the effort IMHO.


----------



## n-ick (5 Aug 2012)

Yep,we might actually get weather forecasts which don't start and end with London and the South East.
I think that SSG has already been cut off.


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2012)

n-ick said:


> Yep,we might actually get weather forecasts which don't start and end with London and the South East.
> I think that SSG has already been cut off.


 
Try living in NE England. Some commentators, when referring to Scotland sweep their hand up from the Humber. Scotland is 100 miles North of The Yorkshire Embassy to County Durham and the Humber nearly 90 miles South. By that standard London ought to be the capital of France.

In their sweep around the UK bit we often get weather at 8am and some more at 4pm with no reference to us in between. I'm hoping the Beeb's move to Personchester* will improve things. But not hoping a lot!

*Used to be Manchester before Political Correctness went mad.


----------



## byegad (6 Aug 2012)

Good News. The SBGG has broken his abacus, but made a new one and will return!

After me everyone...

1...

2...

3...

and breathe.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Aug 2012)

the trike i use for sedate bimbiling around the peak district. it is a lot of fun and can get it around most corners on two wheels,  though some of the motobike club how have been folowing me look a bit nervus at the tea stops and say things like gosh that looks fun... but tend to become nurvus when i offer to ether take them for a spin of have a go themselves 
i have once again become sunbronzed riding the trike about all day naked at Lincoln has helped it is a biker rally tradition . that and a incoherent Scots man staggering around with a bit of a dead animal on his head.

i have been on several bmw bike weekends as well one near Cambridge, Lincoln and holmefurth. the next one is in the cotswolds at the end of the month, if you are out that way keep a eye out for me, my back hair rippling in the wind as i glide along on my rubber shod chariot, i could do with a minion whispering remember you are but a man in my ear  like what them roman emperor type chaps had.


 i can now reveal i have been on a, all hush hush job.
i was peddling a new six wheeled all terrain fully enclosed hpv around a film set in some remote location, then this morning some white cote bod comes up and says as every thing unexpectedly went to plan they will not need me now, all very odd. 
i was promised two years work 

york was indeed soggy i went up in the car this year as i dont think i could have made it on the trike, i must say that the thought that went in to planing the event given the prevailing weather was non existent, they had every one driving around the field, well getting stuck axle deep and getting pulled out, closing off the service road! that is long enough for every one to camp at the side of, was just nuts . i came home early Sunday morning before what was sure to be mayhem trying to get off the field.


----------



## Speicher (6 Aug 2012)

I have never been a passenger on the back of a motorbike.


----------



## byegad (6 Aug 2012)

Speicher said:


> I have never been a passenger on the back of a motorbike.


 
If you count the SBGGs motortriccle in that we know. You are still alive. A £5million pile of cash wouldn't get me back on the SBGGs trike. I've seen his look at me I can ride on two wheels tricks end in a hedge without the aid of oodles on BHP.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Aug 2012)

i had the cat trike down the road on its side the other week, bottom of a 40mph hill sharp turn and a car on the wrong side of the road. there wear no sparks though just warn down the aluminum Boudicca spikes on my right wheel and the sleeve on my Armored rain jacket. i got them to lift me back on as i did not have my crutches with me and away i trundled.

the thing with the 1150cc trike is when you go up on two wheels the power goes to the lifted wheel making it spin with the loss of power to the driven wheel. this brings the bike back on to three wheels one of which is going faster than the rest.
this flicks you around the corner...... or courses you to flick up on to the other two wheels this only happens when ding this at about 70 to 80 mph.
i have now fitted outrigger pegs so can get moor leverage on the bars and throw it through corners faster.

a chap i ride with gets his up on two wheels and puts the hand brake on the lifted wheel so he can put power through the one on the floor, it gets interesting when he drops it back down as he has to release the hand brake give it a good fist full of throttle to get the stopped wheel up to speed and keep it traveling in a close approximation of a straight line all at once***.
he will not be performing at this years bulldog bash as he is taking his street legal drag bike.

on a trike you are not required to wear a helmet so with my Q streaming behind me clad in wraparound shades a long duster coat billowing out around me and the beat of 4000 to 5000 explosions reverberating along 6ft of stainless steel exhaust with no silencer to inhibit them. burp burp burp ........bang** not the potato potato potato of the American hog or the eeeeeeeeekkkkkk eeeeeeeeekkkk of a rice rocket.
i cut my way across the peak district*, scoffing at the miserable drone like tin box drivers who would never think to go 100 miles out of there way just to ride some good roads on there way to an event. 

when taking a passenger it is the risk of shooting of the back under acceleration that is the problem, if you go over backwards make sure to hook your feet under my armpits so you do not go all the way over and i will know what has happend hit the brakes and you pop straight back up.
unless i am caring camping kit then you have a nice backrest.






*this is best done after a rain storm as the flies have less blood in them and taste nicer. 
** big twins do this with straight through pipes on the over run, it can be timed to happen as you are passing open car windows apparently.


----------



## Speicher (6 Aug 2012)

*** ? 

My guess -

*** This strategy is not recommended after more than one teaspoon of any alcholic beverage.


----------



## byegad (7 Aug 2012)

My guess. We need to save up now for the headstone.

I'm going to lie down now to get over the very idea of spending my money.


----------



## starhawk (7 Aug 2012)

Hmmm I have no pain in my knees but I'm far to short for my weight, can it be that I accidentially hit the formula for prolonged knee life?  Hitting the 60 mark next year so I'm not a young unspoilt brat anymore


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Aug 2012)

*** its a secret


----------



## byegad (7 Aug 2012)

starhawk said:


> Hmmm I have no pain in my knees but I'm far to short for my weight, can it be that I accidentially hit the formula for prolonged knee life?  Hitting the 60 mark next year so I'm not a young unspoilt brat anymore


 
I blame that Arthur Itus fella. I was OK to 59 with odd aches in the knee area but it's got worse in the last two years. I'm too young for them to replace just yet. So I take lots of pain killers and ride as gently as I can with my right knee. Because the left one is now doing more work, it's only time before...


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Aug 2012)

i discovered yet another use for lard.
when rubbed on the rubberized paint of my trike frame it acts like polish and also attracts flies.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Aug 2012)

if you throw your self down stairs and do catastrophic damage to your knee they will have to do it now! i will gladly give you a push if your a bit timid about doing it your self, if it wears out in 15 years have it cut off and a bionic one fitted.
increasing the lard content of you diet will lubricate your joints as well.

you need a husky training to give you a pull up the hills and jump in the trailer for the down hills, you can collect all the road kill as you ride around so would cost nowt to feed it.


----------



## byegad (7 Aug 2012)

Good ideaMark, but IF I bought a motortrike it could tow me up hill and I could tow it down hill.


----------



## n-ick (7 Aug 2012)

Tha'd need a Donar Card first with "RESUSITATE" on t'chest.
That's what they call motorcylists here (donars).

Mind you ,I'll probably refuse any bits from SSG, on the grounds of character change.
Remember the transplant patient who spoke in a french accent and another who could paint.
There was even a case of a man who woke up as a giant insect....ouch.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Aug 2012)

the local rag came to the office to take my picture today, i had the minions out cleaning up the yard a bit.
we had some equipment out and did the man pointing at rat box, man looking interested at bag of bait, several minions kneeling in a row looking uncomfortable thing for a bit.


----------



## byegad (8 Aug 2012)

Shirley Surely they won't publish that in a publicly available newspaper? I know Rawmarsh people have strong stomachs but there are limits.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Aug 2012)

i have been practicing pointing at things all day, you never know my career might take off.


----------



## Speicher (8 Aug 2012)

Please try to avoid any of your garments taking off.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Aug 2012)

astonishingly handsome, svelte, athletic*, sun bronzed, Greek god like Yorkshire man, pointing at a block of lard. it has every thing! you could make prints of it like that hunky man holding baby one.

*if on wheels


----------



## byegad (9 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> astonishingly handsome, svelte, athletic*, sun bronzed, Greek god like Yorkshire man, pointing at a block of lard. it has every thing! you could make prints of it like that hunky man holding baby one.
> 
> *if on wheels


 
Except you'll need to find an astonishingly handsome, svelte, athletic*, sun bronzed, Greek god like Yorkshire man!

_Coughs politely..._

I could be persuaded to stand in in order to save the public any trauma. I do tick all the boxes. At least I'm a better fit on all but one of the descriptors than our 'hero'..


----------



## n-ick (9 Aug 2012)

"i have been practicing pointing at things all day, you never know my career might take off."

Eeeyup Cosmo, tha'll need a stick t'point with, long staff will give you the air of a pilgrim and a short one would help you tumble over if tha' used it for walking.

I find this hard to believe, but most of Lympics medal winners are from Yorkshire, or was it China ? I assume that you have been once more been caught urinating in the resevoirs to pass on tha' energy boosting qualities ?

I did see a face in a cloud heading north that looked remarkably like yourself. Has tha' once again been able to summon up elementals ?
My spies tell me that there is a great chasm where fair Rotherham once stood . A pit of brimstone sir, fiery and belchious .


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Aug 2012)

"I find this hard to believe, but most of Lympics medal winners are from Yorkshire" entirely due to the miraculous property's of lard and Yorkshire puddings.
running in hobnail clogs is exultant training, 300 weight shop delivery bikes up cobbled hill will give you the thighs of a god.


----------



## byegad (10 Aug 2012)

Eye sea thee spelchecker iss stil notte wurking.


----------



## n-ick (10 Aug 2012)

Mush bee, he got" lard " spelt rite.
What's more worrying is that he talks in the same manner that he scribes.
It would be sage to list the number of succesful non Lympic persons coming out of Yorkshire, or even normal bipeds. Rolling heathland sir, pits of sulphur, brimstone and winged creatures who rule the night.

Sharpen tha' stick sir , the colonies are waiting.

Today, I was asked for identity to prove who I am. Being stuck, "I looked in the mirror this morning , it was me". I cannot under any circumstances see you doing the same.


----------



## byegad (12 Aug 2012)

Byegad Towers has been basking in sun for three days now and the Trail (No fairing!) made an appearance every day. The weather and a suspected popped cartilage (Which turned out to be arthritis pain.) have kept me off the roads for much of the year. I was pleasantly surprised that I managed three of my longer loops around Byegad Towers without aches or pains, except the damn knee.

While climbing a long drag on Friday I took to wondering if the SBGG was out and about on his trike given his new high profile in the media. I suspect we'll see him soon on late night* weather forecasts, pointing at various parts of Yorkshire** as the forecaster makes wild guesses as to what the weather will do tomorrow. Maybe he could be employed in other capacities. As a temporary Road sign, or scarecrow (His old job.) 

Any other suggestions as to occupations for the SBGG with his new found pointing skill?

*So as not to frighten the kiddies!
**He neither believes nor suspects that there are other parts of the world, thinking tales of London, Marrakesh and Lancashire are merely stories designed to frighten children so much that they wet the bed.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Aug 2012)

i will have you know i quite often venture out over the boundary of civilization to do missionary work and oppress the natives demanding tribute and lard.

when i come home i beguile the locals with my exploits in mystical lands showing them lithographs and mementos**
this weekend was spent having a not stand up in a field at the back of a community center with fellow explores astride mechanical horses of all shape and size. clad with wax-cotton chaps and kangaroo leather hat and an ex-army shirt, i proudly quaffed my pomegranate and strawberry juice, to greetings of "oratit then" ,"C THEEE!".

** if they are not nailed down that is


----------



## byegad (12 Aug 2012)

I see no denial of old job description. More importantly there is no mention of his 15 nanoseconds of fame.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Aug 2012)

i am playing it low-key i dont want to succumb to the cult of celebrity.
dont worry i will always remember the small people, if it were not for there adoration i would not be the icon i am!
some pointing was done just to please the fans, at wind turbines, sheep, sheep droppings, empty tea mug ect.
it was very well received.


----------



## theloafer (13 Aug 2012)

theloafer said:


> really like your ride mark..


 
hey mark
trying to find out date and if the woller bike right w/end is on this year you have any info


----------



## byegad (13 Aug 2012)

I can answer.

So long as you stop publishing obscene pictures.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Aug 2012)

sorry i dont know what the dates are, mr byegad may come to your rescue with underpants over his trousers.


----------



## byegad (13 Aug 2012)

Another fantasy SBGG? Not one you'll live to see fulfilled.

Meanwhile I've offered to tell him if he promises to stop posting pictures likely to upset the horses and cause offence to all right thinking gentlefolk.


----------



## n-ick (14 Aug 2012)

Eeeeeup Cosmo, tha ' sartorial elegance cannot match a fully resplendent bye gad. By his own speed ,both up and downhill his pants and socks have indeed left his body.No pictures remain after the fire.
I call upon thee sire to remove all garments before descending,thus avoiding the chance of recognition.


----------



## byegad (14 Aug 2012)

We are not amused.

One's personage is not to be seen by mere commoners. For a small charge you _*may*_ be allowed to see a photograph taken from long range. (To fit all my ego in!)
Send cash, folding only in plain brown envelope along with a stamp to the value of £1 for this offer.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Aug 2012)

today i with little but my whits and a piece of slightly frail string managed to install a satellite dish on a pole in the garden.
he was not amused and threatened to call the police, i placated him with lard sandwiches and old socks with holes in*

i one again will be becoming horizontal in a field and may partake of a small libation, it is at the side of a river.
not being a hardened imbiber of intoxicants what safety procedures should i employ? i was thinking a life vest arm bands and an inflatable ring for siting in the pub.




*i think they use them for home made vodka filtering.


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> today i with little but my whits and a piece of slightly frail string managed to install a satellite dish on a pole in the garden.
> he was not amused and threatened to call the police, i placated him with lard sandwiches and old socks with holes in*
> 
> i one again will be becoming horizontal in a field and may partake of a small libation, it is at the side of a river.
> ...


 
1. Socks need a hole in them or you can't get your feet in!
2. To test your drink limit stand very close to the water and drink a bottle of spirits. If you wake up feeling like death you now know your limit. If you wake up dead you drank too much, fell in the river and drowned.*

*Fingers crossed on that one!


----------



## theloafer (15 Aug 2012)

its ok guys found info at velo site.. all booked with rachel...


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2012)

See you there then.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Aug 2012)

are we going on holiday then? i will quickly book some days at work so i can book a holiday.
unlike the idle rich*
i still slave over a hot keyboard 2.5 days a week, dreaming of the days when i will no-longer have to rent my underwear and get a pint of beer with out using higher purchase. its grim round hear you know i haven't even got a good set of boots for my hobnails so had to get my feet pierced .
i have to wind my computer up in the office every 15 mins.


*very short arms and deep pockets, feed there minions on scraps and i have it from a reliable source gives them a sound thrashing!


----------



## byegad (15 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> are we going on holiday then? i will quickly book some days at work so i can book a holiday.
> *unlike the idle rich*1*
> i still slave over a hot keyboard 2.5 days a week, dreaming of the days when i will no-longer have to rent my underwear and_ get a pint of beer with out using higher purchase*2_. its grim round hear you know i haven't even got a good set of boots for my hobnails so had to get my feet pierced .
> i have to wind my computer up in the office every 15 mins.
> ...


*1. The idle rich have a terrible life. Beating flunkies and huntin, shootin* and fishing. Along with entertaining the Lord Lieutenant of the county. Some of us are also Ambassador for Yorkshire to Heathen Durham. *
_2. You *buy* beer? You only rent beer, after all you leave most of the remains in the pub toilet don't you? _


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Aug 2012)

i have to be frugal coming from the impoverished south yorks, i hang on to the beer until it ferments again.
then dry it out to make saltpeter this is then used in the tanning industry, for curing hides we wear at triable gatherings.
even the Rotherham advertiser is using new polymer inks that don't rub off on your bum, the story's are 3" wide so when cut they can still be read, when you have a bit of time on your hands.
they have done this in a effort to stop people re using Izal, as the sight of it hanging out on washing lines was said to give the wrong impression. 
a real Yorkshire man only breaths out from necessity and takes no pleasure in it.


----------



## byegad (16 Aug 2012)

The man's mad I tell you air is free so use all you can, I'm breathing hard now in order to have stored enough for the time the Tories tax air* and then I'll hold my breath and save money.

Widely rumoured to be in next years Queen's Speech.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Aug 2012)

imagine
reading the words slightly out of sink, like you are watching a dubbed Martial-arts move.

tomorrow we journey to the VSOA rejects rally at Selby, there we will meet leather clad bikers, we will learn drunken ape kung fu, and teach veterinarian ecky thump.
we will emerge an unstoppable hoard sweeping across the north of england once we have a free independent Yorkshire we will head south.
pie and chips may be eaten at some stage also not standing up in a field will happen for a bit.


----------



## byegad (17 Aug 2012)

Now he's gone for the weekend we can talk behind his back. Who wants to kick off?


----------



## byegad (19 Aug 2012)

What nobody wants to say anything. The SBGG will be pleased!

Meanwhile I was out shooting with the gamekeepers this morning. It does the rest some good to see one of their number die now and again. They work so much harder afterwards.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Aug 2012)

i did some not standing up in a field had a glass of falling down water and came home.

it did not rain some times.

i was able to sit and watch the local air field from my tent, they must be hard up as some people wear strapped to the top wing of the plane while it flew around the field very low as well.
there wear some fighter plains from wwii and wwi replicas, i did some top notch pointing and now and again shouted atackatackatack.


----------



## Scoosh (20 Aug 2012)

Reading between the lines  , it would appear that the SBGG must be on benefits: the benefit of a tent; the benefit of some not-standing-up; the benefit of cheap air travel (though I would have thought launching himself off his noisier-and-smellier trike would be even cheaper); the benefit of some not-rain ... the list goes on.

Is he really not just a benefit scrounger vulnerable member of society, who needs our support  and assistance  ?


----------



## Speicher (20 Aug 2012)

I have been wondering why he was doing some top notch pointing.

I have a tall chimney on my house, and its top notch needs re-pointing. Perhaps, Mark, you can advise me about this.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Aug 2012)

stand on the road at the front of the house and let the air out of one of your tyres, then look all lumpy jumper, weak and feeble.
when a strapping non lumpy jumper comes to your aid start them on the list of jobs you have saved up.

or load cement into shotgun cartridges and shoot the joints in the brick work, as long as you have a high viz vest on you will be ok.
here is a student of mine, he came all the way from the colonies, where i believe English stile pointing s still in its infancy they tend to use the old stile gesticulation http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/gallery/2012/apr/11/mitt-romney-pointing-at-things


----------



## Speicher (20 Aug 2012)

As luck would have it, there is a builder who lives opposite me, and he has a strapping youngish* assistant. 
There is also a plumber next door, and a bicycle maintenance person just down the road. 

* ie - not much older than me


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2012)

I thought the pointing suggested he's of the canine persuasion. As to launching himself off the trike, he does that with monotonous regularity. Next time I'll have the camera running!


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Aug 2012)

i have being doing some thinking vis a vis lard, according to the wold rewound nutritionist Jame Oliver* it is bad for you!
so it is beef dripping all the way from now on.

beef dripping sandwiches left in a slightly worm snap tin at the bottom of a mine shaft for a shift with plenty of salt on them  (wipes away a single tear as thinking back to the salad days of youth, being given a hole beef dripping sandwich thus matured for his birthday) and i did not have to share it with the dog, i sat in my cage and nibbled at that sandwich for ages. gosh happy times.


*he must know every thing about food because he is on the telly


----------



## Scoosh (21 Aug 2012)

So *who* let him out of the cage ? 

... or did he slide out, having already learnt the skill of dripping-smearing (currently being proposed as an limpic event, I believe ) ?


----------



## byegad (21 Aug 2012)

Not Guilty M'Lord!


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Aug 2012)

we don't talk about dripping smearing, at dripping smearing club.
there was a eu ruling about keeping kids in cages you know.
i am going in to the office tomorrow and may be some time, i don't know if i will be required to point at stuff but will hold my self in reediness.
i have already sent in a memo to the press office requesting a pa for any photo-shoots they want me to do as i had to get my own tea last time and the make up was hard to do and still look all natural in the photos.


----------



## byegad (22 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> t in a memo to the press office requesting a pa for any photo-shoots they want me to do as i had to get my own tea last time and the make up was hard to do and still look all natural in the photos.


 
It usually looks OK Mark. Although the false beard is less than convincing.


----------



## Scoosh (22 Aug 2012)

You mean those pics we've seen are the _REAL_ Mark ???


----------



## byegad (22 Aug 2012)

Sorry Scoosh. Sadly they are the unexpurgated version. I know this is a shock, can I suggest you not stand up in a dark room with a pint or two of brandy. By the time you recover from the hangover and stomach pump it will fade to a mere nightmare.


----------



## Scoosh (22 Aug 2012)

<*THUMP* !>  


<Scoosh hits floor in an extended manner>

<tries to drink flagon of brandy while lying down>


<dribble, dribble ..... gurgle, gurgle>




<passes out>


----------



## byegad (22 Aug 2012)

Ok. Scoosh is in the recovery position and we wait for the first groan.
Can someone make a couple of gallons of strong coffee for tomorrow morning. I'll look for the Aka Seltzer and Asprin.

Is anyone a Brain Care Specialist? There will be PTS to deal with too.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Aug 2012)

a new tub of industrial strength tash wax is in the post, it is my first endorsement.
i am building up hopefully to getting a sponsorship deal on a velomobile.

my eldest child said has promised to lone me a electronic lithograph maker so i can film me doing my deep lunges and post on youtube, the mankini may be once again be pressed in to service.

that should get the offers flooding in!


----------



## byegad (22 Aug 2012)

Not the hot wax for the mankini again. Last time there was a nuclear alert in West Yorkshire. They all thought that the missiles were on their way.


----------



## Scoosh (22 Aug 2012)

<dribble, dribble ..... gurgle, gurgle>


<Thump>




<re-passes out>


----------



## byegad (23 Aug 2012)

Everybody back tomorrow the hangover should be worth seeing. Wear a plastic mac and bring a bucket.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Aug 2012)

i think a detox might be in the offing, lots of water sieved through an old sock.

this weekend there is nothing on so a thrash around the peak district is in order.
tea oat cake underpinned breakfast will happen at some point, lumpy jumper waving seams to be frequent now i have a trike.
unfortunately the wheelchair rack is still not finished so i am still a bit limited as the events i can go to on it.


----------



## byegad (24 Aug 2012)

OK I need two gallons of strong black coffee, 12 Alka Seltzer, 6 Asprins and a large bucket.

We are going to bring Scoosh round!

Nurse Rubber apron and gloves...


----------



## byegad (24 Aug 2012)

CLEAR! 

Rawmarsh... We have a problem.


----------



## Speicher (24 Aug 2012)

Scoosh


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Aug 2012)

AA is the way to go.


----------



## byegad (24 Aug 2012)

I prefer the RAC but what has that got to do with Hangova Vulgaris Multiplex?

Meanwhile when Scoosh has finished throwing up he'll need food.

How about a nice Full English Breakfast? Fried everything!

Oh Dear! Does anyone have a mop?


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Aug 2012)

wax cotton coats are fantastic, well waxed you can wear them in a *slaughterhouse* and just get hosed down when you come out.
wear one on your motorbike keep the wind of and the rain.
there is a down side though....... when it is nice and sunny when you set off they are supple, so the long flowing coat drapes nicely around you. 
when it has been raining and the temperature drops in the peak district you get of your bike in your long flowing cote and it dont! it stays in the shape it was when you wear sat on the bike and looks very odd.


----------



## n-ick (26 Aug 2012)

Beware sir, there are hienious wax coat imitations being imported from the East. Most of these are indeed lard based.
One sure fire way of telling the difference, is that the real waxed cotton will deflect a harpoon launched from a spear gun at close range.
The Spud, now banned from our local swimming pool is in posession of the very latest and most powerful spear gun, only used on the one occasion.
We would thus urge you to submit to a test of authenticity, having first checked in a mirror to confirm that is indeed yourself on the point of impalement, or not.


----------



## byegad (26 Aug 2012)

I too have a spear gun and would happily shoot out SBGG in the head, a bit, at no charge. He's allowed to wear a polystyrene hat, and all the waxed cotton he wants. This will:-
A) End the helmet debate forever. And.
B) Rid us of the SBGG in the name of science.No better way to die than in the name of science. Our late and lamented Neil Armstrong put his life on the line for science, I expect nothing less from our Sun Bronzed Geek God.

That's a ++ IMHO

Meanwhile there are moaning sounds from Scoosh, maybe all is not lost!


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Aug 2012)

i have on occasion been hit on the head with hammer fling bits of masonry a kitchen ceiling and three paving slabs with only mild surface damage, in-fact the weapon to impact my noggin was a large frozen chicken wheeled by my elder sister at the tender age of ten when she tried unsuccessfully to committed siblicide. 

i have been inspired by Mr Armstrong, i am thinking of landing on something large and spherical, which can be observed from space.
i do hope Mr bygad has a tin hat!


----------



## byegad (26 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i have on occasion been hit on the head with hammer fling bits of masonry a kitchen ceiling and three paving slabs with only mild surface damage, in-fact the weapon to impact my noggin was a large frozen chicken wheeled by my elder sister at the tender age of ten when she tried unsuccessfully to committed siblicide.


 
Understandable and this explains an awful lot!


----------



## byegad (26 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i have been inspired by Mr Armstrong, i am thinking of landing on something large and spherical, which can be observed from space.
> i do hope Mr bygad has a tin hat!


 
You are a cad and a bounder. Choose your weapons cur!


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

Hah! No reply!

The coward has fled to Lancashire.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Aug 2012)

never! 
i have been wheelchair shopping, i have one now with suspension, it is called the lightning  i see a wheelchair back flip in the offing.

i am one again planing an expedition to the barbarian regains of the world, the Cotswolds (organ music plaid by man in a mask and a long black cape) only for two nights not standing up in a field.

on the Saturday i will be rear gunner on the ride out, picking off the odd bosh and the odd johnny foreigner.
it will be a good change of pace as there will be a distinct lack of leather waist coats, covered in club patches, this weekend will be real ail bmw endureo clothing.


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

You have been challenged will you choose your weapon? Or be forever branded as a cur deserving a postcode starting LA??


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Aug 2012)

hot air balloons and blunderbuss.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Aug 2012)

you can inflate both balloons


----------



## Speicher (27 Aug 2012)

Geograffically speaking, the barbarian region of the Cotswolds is not a million miles away from this part of Westernshire.

In the car park in this small town last week, there was one of those motorbike/trike thingummies with a wheel base larger than that of an average car! That wasn't you was it?


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

I choose, seeing as you've got two items, a Killoray gun and THE HHoA.

Just wait until I read the instructions for the latter.


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

OK found the destructions.


And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

On the count of three, etc. etc. etc.

Lobs grenade and points Killoray gun, Zap you're dead and BANG thou has't snuffed it.


----------



## Speicher (27 Aug 2012)

Art thou sure thou lobbest west and not south?


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Aug 2012)

my trike is narrow it is a lot easer to get a wheel up then.

whenst dueling chaps should have the same weapons, a gentleman would know this.

the holy hand grenade of Antioch only works on naughty people.


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2012)

I rest my case, set down my valise, park my carpet bag, let fall my luggage. 

A gentleman only fights a fair duel with another gentleman. Sun Bronzed G(r)eek Gods are certainly not gentleman, for a start some of them are Gods of the somewhat female persuasion and others fight, squabble among each other have sex with various members of the animal kingdom, impersonate some members of the animal kingdom in order to seduce innocent young women, interfere with innocent seafarers'* journeys and generally behave in an ungentlemanly manner, especially, but not exclusively, the male Gods.

Hence I treat you as an opponent worthy of being put down like a rabid dog and no gentleman.

Sadly the Godliness of your status appears to have rendered you slightly immortal. I will return with a god killing weapon in due course**

*Odysseus is only the best known seafarer to have his journey home delayed. Heck, he'd have got home much faster on an Arriva bus! 
** I shall be consulting a certain Richard Dawkins Esq.


----------



## n-ick (28 Aug 2012)

EEEEup Cosmo,
in addition to the Lympic legacy of longer shopping hours ,has tha' considered applying to be a Lympic legacy or leg end ?

I can think of no better ediface to represent the emergence from suburbia of the next stage of Homo spp.

Spud is planning to release trading stamps and is keen to print your ediface on the rear.


----------



## byegad (28 Aug 2012)

You were up late Nick!


----------



## Speicher (28 Aug 2012)

Is Spud planning to print the SBGG's physog on his rear?


----------



## byegad (28 Aug 2012)

Room for that and several life size full length portraits!


----------



## n-ick (28 Aug 2012)

The Spud has designed a foolproof id kit to ensure that you do not appear to the world as the SSG.

For a modest fee you get a mirror with a comedy tache and beard painted on it.The
instructions read " Approach the mirror until the comedy facial hair appears in place, repeat "lard lard minions minions, I owe Geoff and Nick £500".Then quickly move away.
Next: look in a plain mirror , if the comedy facial hair is still there, you are in the unfortunate position of being the SSG."

Beware, there are several locations where police have told residents to stay indoors following reports of big SSG activity, or was it lions?


----------



## byegad (28 Aug 2012)

No you're not lion you're telling the truth.


----------



## n-ick (28 Aug 2012)

Ow!
Jennifer Rammerstein, I presume.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Aug 2012)

Lion.... LION! i thought it was a well fed cat i will have to get my eyes looked at though it did seem to like playing with all the toddlers in the play park at the end of the road where i released it.


you know some times i think you lot drift off on a tangent.


----------



## Speicher (28 Aug 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> Lion.... LION! i thought it was a well fed cat i will have to get my eyes looked at though it did seem to like playing with all the toddlers in the play park at the end of the road where i released it.
> 
> 
> you know some times i think you lot drift off on a tangent.


 

It is you who is the tan gent.
As for releasing lions, some of us have our pride.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2012)

I thought the lion release scheme was a roaring success.

As for dear old Tan Gent, is he related to Sun Bronzed Geek God??


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Aug 2012)

i have new evidence that the yeti is alive and well, a bit infirm, decrepit he was captured in the 80s shaved and sent over here on a secret government exchange program.
you can spot the shaved yeti by his splay footed hobble rotund profile and course unkempt tuft of a rag mop hair/beard.
when approached a half pint something malty should be presented, as this calms him down.
the shock, horror and humiliation, bygad is................... an American!
we can for give the not being human bit that is incidental, but a colonial! sorry this is just not on.

on a side note we now have a colony of ring neck parakeets living in the park up the road.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2012)

How dare youI USAish indeed. I've never been further west than Land's End and that under strong protest!

Just because you are a secret Lancastrian and have been exposed by your better you cannot make this slur stick! Meanwhile My plot to kill a godling is afoot. Prepare to be haunted by the ghost of Maggie Thatcher as soon as that plot has reached fruition.

I suggest you continue your efforts to evolve into something closer to Homo Sapiens. I'd not go the whole hog in one jump try for Neanderthal at first, that would be challenge enough for any monkey!

A none photoshopped picture of the SBGG.


----------



## jayjay (29 Aug 2012)

byegad said:


>


 
Kajagoogoo haven't aged well have they?


----------



## n-ick (29 Aug 2012)

Jennifer Rammerstein ?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2012)

i broke some spokes Wednesday

as i went out on the ice today i think a bit of an update and comment on the catrike is in order.

the speed is faster than the ice, the frame stiffness will help with this i think.
the brakes on the ice beat just about every thing on the road, the speed are adequate.
i would defiantly have the wheels tuned by a wheel builder on any new catrike (all my spokes wear slack on the back wheel within 100 miles.
in 9000 miles i have had a brake caliper come off (i have put different bolts in now and had no further problem) the ceramic bearings on one side self destructed after 3000 miles, the wheel completely locked up and i had to be picked up in the car (i have bind them and fitted the factory ones i have noticed no difference in performance with them).
i have only had to replace one cable on the speed(it has thumb shifters ) before i switch the twist shifters on the ice i would eat cables.


----------



## byegad (31 Aug 2012)

I replaced the front wheels on my QNT earlier this year following a series of broken spokes over the last three winters. Now I ride the QNT hard down hills and tend to chuck it around corners so they were under some strain, caused by my not inconsiderable bulk no doubt. (A man must have gravitas after all.) The new wheels are so far in good condition and well worth the cost of replacement IMHO.

The SBGG rides his QNT like a lunatic, practising hedgerow arrivals and riding as you would expect an immortal god to ride. It's a wonder his broken body is not broken a lot more and the trike written off.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Sep 2012)

you should see me in the wheel chair around the shopping center 
the 16" cat wheels feel better in the high speed turns and i out rig a lot on the cat.
i was just surprised that i broke three spokes on such a small sturdy wheel!


----------



## byegad (3 Sep 2012)

I'm not! Try riding like a mortal for a change.
Meanwhile my dastardly brilliant plans to rid the world of an unwanted godling are a foot. The wax image is nearly complete and the next step involves invocations and spells. Lucky it's me spelling and not the SBGG!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2012)

byegad said:


> I'm not! Try riding like a mortal for a change.
> Meanwhile my dastardly brilliant plans to rid the world of an unwanted godling are a foot. The wax image is nearly complete and the next step involves invocations and spells. Lucky it's me spelling and not the SBGG!


 
not a chance me n gum and eck are like that (two crossed fingers held up) and i have an affiliation card all paid up and stamped my granddad and three upstanding members had to vouch for me and undergo a probationary period.

i am coordinator for the union of small gods and demigods, what you are proposing may breach the rule book and bring in to effect the statuesque, clause re custom and practice, with overtime implications.
i have a proforma e mail, all i have to do is fill in the blanks and we could have a walk out on your hands.


----------



## n-ick (5 Sep 2012)

Is that a one SSG walk out?
You could acheive same by turning mirrors to face t'wall.
Is there no end to your perspicacity ?


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2012)

He's well known for that Nick. Or he would be if he knew what it meant.


----------



## Speicher (5 Sep 2012)

Does he know what inconspicuous means?


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2012)

Know?? He couldn't even spell it.


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2012)

You see Speicher some of us are educated.

Before I went to school I wasn't educated, now eye R it.


----------



## Speicher (5 Sep 2012)

So you are not heducated then?

I went to a Grammer skool. At College after my Hay levels, I did learn French and Spanish and shortarm tryping.


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2012)

As my Dad told me. Edifikashon is allrite four them as kan reed an rite.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2012)

a walk out of all card carrying small gods and demigods is not an idle threat.
imagine drinking booze all night and the god of hangovers dose not show up to make you ill or the small god who makes your porridge lumpy stays at home or works to rule.... chaos


----------



## n-ick (6 Sep 2012)

Have you work ? I hear that in Rawmarsh city, the jitties and drains are overun by rats.
Cockroaches rule the poor quarter and mold is abundant.

Are tha' striking or slacking ?


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2012)

Bring it on! The small god of things hiding in the back of a drawer is a mean little sod and if he goes on strike that's a win.


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2012)

Add the under-stairs small god in charge of moving things from the cardboard box I know I put the damn thing in and dropping it behind another so's I have to empty the cupboard before it turns up.

He deserves to have his liver eaten by an eagle while pushing a rock up a 1 in 3 hill made up of broken glass with his hands tied behind his back and burning coals dropped down his shorts at regular intervals. 

I eventually found the item and now have an indexed rear dérailleur on my Trail. I have been running un-indexed bar end changers since I got it.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2012)

index shifters are for the weak willed and unimaginative, a real rider can tickle bare ends in to the correct gear first time every time.




or is it tuther way round?
any how Ian sent me a bunch of spokes for the catrike, top service there from wheel NV.
i have replaced the spokes and now i have had some rides on the ice i will do a bit of a difference thing again.

tomorrow there is a custom bike show up the road so i will be cruising up there.





this is how it looks when going past on the motorway at some considerable speed.




when going out for a bimbble
and this is me holding up a tent pole.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2012)

Mark, you have found your calling in life. Holding up a tent pole, top guy!


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2012)

it is my second best skill after pointing at things.
i became interested in tent pole holding when a boy scout, one of the leaders spotted my talent and encouraged me to enter the Yorkshire tent pole holding championship.
unfortunately i suffered an injury in training (splinters from an old army tent pole i was using) so was not on top form and only managed third place.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2012)

And some fell on stony ground....

I'll try again.

Top *Guy!!!!*


----------



## n-ick (8 Sep 2012)

Certainly knows the ropes !
Almost said, what a pitcher.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2012)

Could we charge him with loitering within tent?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2012)

byegad said:


> Could we charge him with loitering within tent?


i was holding up a tent, if i was not holding up a ten then i would have been loitering but doing some thing is not loitering so the tent is totally illelephant.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2012)

If you hold up a tent do you get done for armed robbery?

Also I'm sorry to hear Dumbo is ill. Perhaps you should feed the buns in the other end, you know the one with a trunk, rather than a tail.


----------



## Speicher (8 Sep 2012)

Depending on the time of day, or night, it could be armed wobbley.


----------



## n-ick (9 Sep 2012)

_"Also I'm sorry to hear Dumbo is ill. Perhaps you should feed the buns in the other end, you know the one with a trunk, rather than a tail."_


"tusk, tusk"


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2012)

I hope I never herd that!


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Sep 2012)

illelephant treatment is not for the faint harted!
it should never be attempted in a mouse costume and not having a banana in your pocket might be good as well.


----------



## Speicher (9 Sep 2012)

What is the difference between an elephant and a postbox?


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> illelephant treatment is not for the faint harted!
> it should never be attempted in a mouse costume and not having a banana in your pocket might be good as well.


 
I wonder how many of us have seen a mouse with a banana in its pocket and carrying a chair to tame an elefumpf. Next we'll be expecting an SBGG propping up a tent.

Luckily I've been spreading elefumpf powder on my rides for years, so we no longer have them in County Durham. We do have wild boars on the loose though! Mmmm! Tasty!


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2012)

pigs are not for eating! they should be knighted and put in the house of commons to run the country. or has that already happened?

I always carry carnivorous peak district drop sheep repellent, a very nice gentleman in the village makes it for me its only £12 a packet.
it is fantastic i have not been attacked one and not even seen a drop sheep.
he says he is working on a new repellent for income tax but is suffering teething problems.

i was back on the catrike yesterday, i had forgotten how sensitive the steering was above 40mph, it climes hills faster than the ice and goes down hills faster even though the ice is heavier.
the braking is not as good as the ice with the discs it is easy to lock the wheels up rather than the smooth braking of the ice drums.
it is odd but i get less driver abuse on the ice as well i just cant figure this out! they are both trikes both recumbent the ice has a wind wrap on and a rear carrier with a pannier on but thats all.


----------



## n-ick (10 Sep 2012)

Yo Cosmo,
I can only put this anomaly down to your lack of observation. Wise folk are having a good snigger behind you.
If you placed a large wardrobe mirror over your handlebars, you would observe the reaction.

Oh, anyone who doesn't know the "difference between an elephant and a post box" is not posting my letters.

Could you please destroy your computer, or switch it off at night. I am getting terrible spam from your email, concerning enlargement of body parts, Viagra and a Nigerian doctor stuck in Rawmarsh appealing for funds to build an off licence.

Cad sir and double cad.


----------



## Speicher (10 Sep 2012)

n-ick said:


> Oh, anyone who doesn't know the "difference between an elephant and a post box" is not posting my letters.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2012)

i have been unable to log in to my account for the last three days.

i could have new and interesting offers awaiting me i can not read! that nice lumpy jumper who finds me so alluring, my chance to improve the life of injured hamsters, all locked away in that green box at the end of the road.
if i can get it open i might be able to get to them.


----------



## n-ick (10 Sep 2012)

"and a Nigerian doctor stuck in Rawmarsh appealing for funds to build an off licence."
I'm not falling for that one.....again.

I would have thought that the post Lympic wave of regeneration and the reconsideration of the disabled would have meant offers flying at you......murderball anyone?

Personally , I should put a sledgehammer to your computer, try a practice swing in the library.
Everyone on your contact list is now reading about body part enlargement fixes and Viagra , nice.

It would appear that you also were a subscriber to Reader's Digest, Health and Efficiency and Dressage News.

Cad again sir, shame, cad sir.

" my chance to improve the life of injured hamsters, all locked away in that green box at the end of the road."
I think you'll find that is the telephone junction box, connecting the poor people of your area to the rest of us.Have a swing of that with the sledgehammer. If you see hamsters.... then treble the dose of psychotic beans that you're on.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Sep 2012)

i am laying off the drugs and going for sleep deprivation after 36hurs you get good helusinationssssssssss zzzzzzzzzz


----------



## n-ick (12 Sep 2012)

Sorry but what you're experiencing is the real world, welcome.
Dismal as it is , it's all us minions can offer.

The Spud has finished his sensory deprivation tank, based on a used septic tank. After 2 weeks floating in there , I don't think it's made much difference.

We can supply it to you for a limited period, have you any electric pylons nearby to connect up?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Sep 2012)

the motor trike goes in to be re shod tomorrow in the best tradition of triking i am putting a rear tyre on the front ....... rotating backwards.
fat rear tyres and jacked up suspention.

i have a spare wheely bin that i could convert to a isolation chamber, or i could go and sit in Rotherham foot ball ground when a match is on.


----------



## byegad (13 Sep 2012)

Well Lady Byegad and my good and great self are back from our Seaside retreat in Scarborough. We stay at our Scarborough home while there which always wake the lazy staff who gollygag and lummox around unsupervised for much of the year without the firm hand, iron rod and cat o' nine tails swung by me to scourge their lazy hides into action. Sadly we lost the oldest of our servants, Smeggers, who drowned retrieving Lady Byegad from the sea. She made it back to shore unaided in the end* and he continued the search for three more hours before succumbing to hypothermia. Serves him right given he was too idle to notice we'd left the beach. It'll encourage the others to be on their toes when we go again.

*Note to self. Remember to tie the sack more securely next time.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Sep 2012)

i have relatives in Scarborough, you my have come across them.
my aunt wears the same beard as me, they like to sit in the park when they are doing the battle with the model war ships shouting thing like filthy Hun and give them a one from me and prodding children with walking sticks telling them they've never had it so good.
when they first moved there they often would sit on the very high bridge people used to jump off, trying to talk them out of jumping with some success.
there are anti jumper railings up now this was a crushing blow to my uncle who enjoyed his chats with suicidal people. he said it made him appreciate the small things in life, like air filed pile cushions and ready mixed hamster food.
this has always puzzled me as he has never suffered from hamsters or piles  though on reflection he has always liked painting and sketching and my aunt is a avid needle pointer, making pictures out of fancy stitches.
so it might have something to do with that.


----------



## byegad (15 Sep 2012)

Sadly we met your Aunt. We didn't have long to talk as they bundled her back into the ambulance, nor could we shake hands with her, as she was back in the canvas jacket with tie down sleeves.

The nice attendant said this was the fourth time she'd escaped this year, each time shortly after a relative from Rawmarsh had promised to visit. Could this be your doing?


----------



## Speicher (15 Sep 2012)

It could be his un-doing.


----------



## byegad (15 Sep 2012)

You could be right!


----------



## n-ick (17 Sep 2012)

I understand "Ferreters and Lard Magazine" is being paid a large sum not to print topless pictures( taken at 3ft) of the SSG at Scarborough Lido.


----------



## byegad (17 Sep 2012)

However Bare Bum Weakly have threatened to publish the set of photos they have of the SBGG wearing a smile and nothing else. As there are so many of them they are going to do an A2 sized 80 page spread devoted entirely to him.

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!

BEAM ME UP!

FOR GOD'S SAKE SCOTTY GET ME OFF THIS PLANET! NOW!!!!


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Sep 2012)

having just won a court injunction the photographs will not appear in the press, i have my image to protect and they did not pay me for the photos.
the shoot for hunks in thongs calender was last week and the calender is available from next month, order now for one of the rare un autographed ones.


----------



## byegad (18 Sep 2012)

I'll publish and be damned. The hideous truth will be for all to see (And snigger at!)


----------



## n-ick (19 Sep 2012)

I heard that copies were to be circulated to all schools as a warning about the worse thing that could happen to you in later life.

Shame , Cosmo, buckle up,rigid upper lip and don't ask for a blindfold.


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2012)

You mean something along the lines of the 'information' films shown to British troops to encourage the use of a condom? If only Mr and Mrs Cosmo had thought all those years ago...


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Sep 2012)

lacking a exorcise wheel for the dogs (like a hamster wheel but bigger) i have to send the minions out to walk them several times a day.
when performing this task i give them little jobs to do like getting bread or milk ect.
this is a problem as while they are out i am lacking minions for cups of tea, what happens if i need a tissue or i drop a slipper of my foot stool!
i thought i had a plan ... a rota but the minions are refusing to draw one up, so i am in-barking on a campaign of passive aggressive mind games.
in the interests of research i have been reading all the teen magazines i can lay my hands on, some for lumpy jumpers and a how to book by dr spock.

is there a stable some where i can send some of the minion to for training? the ritual floggings are so tiering and frankly my bum is getting tender.


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> lacking a exorcise wheel for the dogs (like a hamster wheel but bigger) i have to send the minions out to walk them several times a day.
> when performing this task i give them little jobs to do like getting bread or milk ect.
> this is a problem as while they are out i am lacking minions for cups of tea, what happens if i need a tissue or i drop a slipper of my foot stool!
> i thought i had a plan ... a rota but the minions are refusing to draw one up, so i am in-barking on a campaign of passive aggressive mind games.
> ...


 

FTFY


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2012)

Peed down all day yesterday and wet this morning too. Hopefully it'll dry up for tomorrow so I can do the Out-Laws lawn.
Après le déluge, Moi!


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Sep 2012)

lawn! + mini tractor + plow = vege patch.
you can rent it out for a pepper corn rent via a web-sight people who want a garden can use it. we have a lot of massive gardens at the back of council houses that are just left overgrown and a waiting lists for allotments, bit nuts really. 
cant you do a flintstone and rent a Pygmy goat for a week? make sure you dont have cold hands when you are milking it though.

the cold and wet is not optimum for hobbling about with any stile or grace, can we have something like an orbital reflector focusing nice sun shine on to the uk through the winter? it would make the grass grow year around then.


----------



## n-ick (21 Sep 2012)

Buckle up sir and book your ride on the insanity rollercoaster.

My son on law always pockets a folding spade with him everywhere that he goes. This is in case of emergency toiletage .
Failing to plan , sir, is planning to fail.

I understand that the work assessment section of the ss on it's way to see you. Expect the front door to be broken open and offers of a situation proffered.


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2012)

I expect that the SS Stormdoctors will decide he can work normally, and recommend he join the Parachute Regiment. Sadly due to cuts in the Armed Service budget he will be expected to leave the aircraft minus the usual parachute. So we could soon have conclusive proof that the SBGG was in fact a rather rusty weird Yorkshireman with a megalomania problem of gigantic proportions. Either that, or he'll live.


----------



## n-ick (21 Sep 2012)

Personally , I'd put him in mine detection, using his billaird crutch. It would save on robots and no one would notice the difference.


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2012)

OH NO!
Robots are either very clever and/or do as they're told. Loose cannon would be a better description of the SBGG. Although I dare say all the readers will be able to say something worse.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Sep 2012)

a robot leg!
mmmmmmmmmm
now i wonder?

a cyborg sun bronzed Greek god like Yorkshire men ! is the universe ready for this i would be probably proclaimed emperor Cosmo the first supreme being or it could it spark of a eugenics war? 
they would have to take my titanium out and replace it with plastic for land mine detecting as i might set them off just standing near them. 

civilization has come a long way first man just squatted down and did a number 2 where ever he was then, after several false starts the hole was invented, a long time later the thunder box then porcelain perfection of Mr Thomas Crapper, the self cleaning super loose and bogs in space!
now we have people wondering around with folding spades, i think it is safe to say that civilization is in a decline.


----------



## byegad (22 Sep 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> a robot leg!
> mmmmmmmmmm
> now i wonder?
> 
> ...


 
From an earlier post.
'So we could soon have conclusive proof that the SBGG was in fact a rather rusty weird Yorkshireman with a megalomania problem of gigantic proportions.'

I rest my case.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Sep 2012)

byegad said:


> From an earlier post.
> 'So we could soon have conclusive proof that the SBGG was in fact a rather rusty weird Yorkshireman with a megalomania problem of gigantic proportions.'
> 
> I rest my case.


rusty! you sir are a cad.

the first test of the growler* with modifide stearing and fat tyres, i have got to play with the tyre pressure on the back it has 13psi in at the moment and the back end is flotey at 60 to 90mph on bumpy roads, i will drop it to 7psi and see how it feels.


*beast of a trike, cristend bye the desighn and develepment team, as acording to the test poilot "F^&*$g H£*! thats insane".


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2012)

The Growler?

I must have missed that. What the f heck is the Growler?​


----------



## Speicher (23 Sep 2012)

The only Growlers that I know of are:

Bears in the Canadian Rockies
Those things in the tummies of teddy burrs that make a noise when you turn them downside up.


----------



## n-ick (23 Sep 2012)

The SSG didn't make much noise when we held him upside down. A load of odd changs and buttons fell out of his pockets. Surprising how long he could hold his breath under hot water.

They say that he denies the existence of anywhere south of Rawmarsh and that the edge of the world is the horizon.


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2012)

The Rust Elaborated Anti-social Limping Lummox of Yorkshire is slowly showing his colours. Henceforth, herewith and heretofore he should be recognised as the REALLY!

Just because we have the technology to rebuild him we should not necessarily do so. Perhaps a job as Village Idiot to the Entire World, combined with Point Rover About the Town should be created for the safety of mankind. (Or should that be personkind in these PC days??) Thus making Really? View-Prat an easier way of referring to him.


----------



## n-ick (25 Sep 2012)

How about "pleb" ?
This seems a little used , but effective word amongst the echelons of cycling .

I happened to come across a live webcam of Rawmarah city the other day.
The inhabitants were looking happy enough beneath the thick rolling clouds of smog and tobacco smoke. I noticed that most of the menfolk were wearing halibut as shoes.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2012)

i have discovered chip-seal with wax-oil, not only rust protection but stone chip protection!

the rack has been beefed up on the back of the growler, so am working on a rack/ strapping to affix the catrike on the back for when i go on holiday.
the growler will do 60mpg and is a lot of fun plus i can ride it further than drive the car. plus i will be able to take people for a spin when at an event, with a pice of rope i could drag quite a large number of trikes behind at considerable velocity, possibly over jumps.


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2012)

Ohhhh! The Growler is his motorised scooter.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2012)

i have a cunning plan if i fit a auto giro blade to the top of the growler i can then hop over traffic.
the only bit i am missing is a small jet motor to keep it in the air for the short hop.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2012)

I'll keep him talking. Can one of you call the Ambulance?


----------



## n-ick (26 Sep 2012)

I've got some Araldite, will that hold him, or some 6" nails ?

On the other hand, he's already drained the NHS of vast amounts of money, better let him be part of the "Care in the Community" and "Big Society".


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2012)

The 6" nails sound good so long as I get to wield the hammer.

We've seen what Care in the Community has done for him, and the rest of Rawmarsh, the only gated community where the guards are on the outside looking in.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Sep 2012)

Care in the Community ? whats that then? there is a nice chapet that comes and sees me every Wednesday when i am in work, i don't know what her job is but she is always filling out forms and report in-between chatting to me. some times a nice student comes with her and they give me buns and stuff.
tomorrow i am testing tyre pressure finding a balance of handling / performance.
also a 125+cc tadpole with body shell is being planed, using a scooter twist and go as a base.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2012)

If you plane it enough it will be scooter shavings.

P.S. The reports are part of a potential Nobel Award for Science winning PhD dissertation in 'Aberration behaviour among the lower classes of West Yorkshire.' Funded privately by someone you know.

Hint. The interim reports have had us rolling on the Axminster on a Thursday evening.


----------



## n-ick (27 Sep 2012)

"Wednesday when i am in work, i don't know what her job is but she is always filling out forms and report in-between chatting to me. some times a nice student comes with her and they give me buns and stuff."

Is that before or after they've wired you up to the mains?


----------



## byegad (27 Sep 2012)

Cosmo said:- ' give me buns and stuff'.

I'm old enough to remember the Chimps tea parties held at zoos around the country to entertain the humans. Sounds similar?


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Sep 2012)

sort of but with less fleas.


----------



## n-ick (28 Sep 2012)

Between the bun fest , cage rattling and flea scratching, do they talk about what you can do or what you can't do ?
I understand there will shortly be vacancies for the search and destroy of badges, or was it badgers ?

I should think one would take ages and the other a few seconds.
I'd be very tempted to show them these threads to expose in what high regard you are held in the wider flatlands.


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> sort of but with less fleas.


 
That's true London zoo was always very hot on ridding their animals of fleas.


----------



## n-ick (29 Sep 2012)

Hence the expression "there's a war coming, let's flea London" .

I noticed with alarm a flat tyre the other day and spent a short time pulling out hedgehog spines. The only use that I can think of them is to send them to the SSG for nasal insertion (in a tribal manner).
Spud has re-invented a portable nasal septum piercing appuratus. This is based on an old hole punch and salad tongs.
Anyone willing to hold the SSG down?


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2012)

Only with suitable protective clothing and a de-louse first. For him. Then one for me after we've finished!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2012)

i have been practicing two/one wheel riding, both on the trike and the Trike.
when in the peak district on the club bimbles, to keep up with the high velocity motorcycles i have discovered that for the majority of the time only one wheel is in contact with the road at a time, the wheel that is in contact changes all the time so i am sort of bouncing from wheel to wheel very, very fast.
the rear Gunnar proclaimed at the tea stop "er theres a lot of daylight under that thing a lot of the time" wondered of for a not stand up and a sweat hot cup of tea. 
the trike has been a bit poorly again it has a mild case of the speed bumps, it dont like them after a heavy landing on Friday i suffered a puncture a very rapid puncture, i had no dear you could go that fast on just a rim, the main problem is, braking.

i have a provisional booking at a race track in a month but will need some active ballast, some one hefty and willing to lean out on to the rear mudguards*, they will be provided a helmet and pampers adult size and only be expected to contribute half to the price of the tea, unless the y bring a flash.
*there will be handles fitted to the top for this.


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2012)

The queue for volunteers is due to form in a closed phone box in Timbuktu. I expect no takers.


----------



## Speicher (30 Sep 2012)

Why do you need someone to take notes?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2012)

i have had a missive from a chap claiming to be a gentlemans, gentleman apparently his master would like to volunteer.
for reasons i will not go in to he will be wearing a black hood and handcuffs? he must be very popular with his staff as they all want to come and watch.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Sep 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> the rear Gunnar proclaimed at the tea stop "er theres a lot of daylight under that thing a lot of the time" wondered of for a not stand up and a sweat hot cup of tea.
> .... they will be provided a helmet and pampers adult size and only be expected to contribute half to the price of the tea, unless the y bring a flash.


1 + 1 = ....


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2012)

The Gentleman's Gentleman has had his wages stopped again and is back in the treadmill. Do out electricity bill the world of good. Meanwhile the search for a rear Gunnar is trawling the Germanic and Scandinavian speaking world for a Gunnar who has never heard of the SBGG. Speicher will no doubt be warning her family of the perils of being a rear gunnar.


----------



## Speicher (30 Sep 2012)

Yes, I am gunnar let them all know about this.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2012)

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/spor...und-review-damarques-johnson-vs-gunnar-nelson


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2012)

I'm Spartacus Gunnar!


----------



## Scoosh (1 Oct 2012)

I'm Gunnar !


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2012)

I think we get him his rear Gunnar and brief him/her/it to shout Achtung! Spitfire! at regular intervals on the ride. Meanwhile I'm having 8 Browning machines gun fitted to one of the Estate's cars(Yes a Triumph Spitfire race tuned and ready.) and will play the part of the Spiffing RAF type ridding the skies roads of the dreaded German machines.


----------



## n-ick (1 Oct 2012)

My neighbours are Mr and Mrs Gunner, does this count ?


----------



## byegad (1 Oct 2012)

Bang on Nick.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> I think we get him his rear Gunnar and brief him/her/it to shout Achtung! Spitfire! at regular intervals on the ride. Meanwhile I'm having 8 Browning machines gun fitted to one of the Estate's cars(Yes a Triumph Spitfire race tuned and ready.) and will play the part of the Spiffing RAF type ridding the skies roads of the dreaded German machines.


i laugh at your "8 Browning machines guns" i have a pocket full of 1/2" washers and 5mm ball bearings you should see the mess they make of a car when realest at 60+ mph
when i go to the father land next, i vill be taking a list of names with me.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2012)

Don't tell him Pike!


----------



## n-ick (2 Oct 2012)

"when i go to the father land next,"
I note your intention, no trip to the homeland would be complete without the obligatory pickelhaube.
We have sawn a finial off our local church gates, which when driven into the top of your head will result in the desired effect.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2012)

Is that the final finial or not?


----------



## Speicher (2 Oct 2012)

I hope there are not any knots in the final finial. That wooden do at all.
Any knots should be sealed.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2012)

I've heard of the Sealed Knot. Don't they re-fight a little local difficulty over the divine/or otherwise right of kings in silly costumes?


----------



## Speicher (2 Oct 2012)

Gum powder, reason and slot!  Kings in silly costumes, what ever next.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2012)

i thought it was the pealed nut!
all this clomping about in fields leather clad, with long sticks and cannons and blunted knives. is just an excuse for siting about near tents at night drinking alcohol from pewter tankards.
you would not catch me doing things like that.......................... weeeeelll i dont use a pewter tankard mine is stainless and i dont clomp.

you know, going off at tangents are coming along faster and faster, i worry about you lot not having a solid grip on sanity like what i have you could get lost.
yet another invention might be in the offing, the sanity satnav!


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i thought it was the pealed nut!
> all this clomping about in fields leather clad, with long sticks and cannons and blunted knives. is just an excuse for siting about near tents at night drinking alcohol from pewter tankards.
> you would not catch me doing things like that.......................... weeeeelll i dont use a pewter tankard mine is stainless and i dont clomp.
> 
> ...


 
FTFY


----------



## Scoosh (3 Oct 2012)

<ahem>
The RECOVERY doesn't seem to be going very well at the momento.

Maybe a big bottle of (diet) Pepsi** and some other (mo)mentos would assist ?


** apparently other fizzy imbibations exist


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2012)

The recovery is a flop. While we can understand the SBGG's slow degeneration into old age, been there got the T-shirt, his refusal to come out of the mental world he has created is worrying. I don't think I've been affected by reading and contributing to this rubbish, but I'm sure everyone else has. Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee!


----------



## Scoosh (3 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> The recovery is a flop. While we can understand the SBGG's slow degeneration into old age, been there got the T-shirt, his refusal to come out of the mental world he has created is worrying. I don't think I've been affected afflicted by reading and contributing to this rubbish, but I'm sure everyone else has. Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee!


The RECOVERY clearly needs a flip, to balance its flop - or even a fit to balance its flop.

It's a virtual world anyway, isn't it ?


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2012)

Sadly full of full time loons. My good self excluded of course. Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee! Flibble!  Dumble!  Dee!


----------



## n-ick (3 Oct 2012)

There is no *recovery* in sight. Perhaps it's time for the SSG to enter a coalition, or even a deep unused mine shaft.
Certainly word of *RECOVERY* has been not banded about. Are we in a SSG double dip ?

Bygad sir, you have too much time on your hands, I should call the ward sister for stronger sedaaattttii,...v....e..........s


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Oct 2012)

the cycling affirmative action party, will never go in to an coalition with any political party that is the puppet of the ruling classes.
come the revolution door of pizza delivery, they will be given one tepid cup of pg tips and padlocked on a checkout till at Tesco.

following forensic inspection of my front tyres i have found one through to the canvas again! at three sets of tyres a year this cycling thing is getting expensive.


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2012)

Should I take any more tablets I'd go deaf. A Stinkinrottencold has left me with a bad chest so I'm on the old Steriods again, 8 tablets each morning, on top of all the others I take as a routine! I'd rattle so much I couldn't hear ever again if I went out.

So plenty of time on my hands to tidy the bedrooms and throw out old clothes, some with the dessicated remains of a servant still in them.* Times are hard in Byegad Towers and once again Xmas is cancelled, at least for the staff.

* I thought Havers had popped out for a crafty fag, slug of farm cider and a chase of the milk maids, but apparently he'd been in the attic long enough to dry out completely and I don't mean lay off the alcohol.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Oct 2012)

i had a go at chasing a milk maid once, you know they should have to have a license for them tin buckets.

is there a market for powdered a gentleman's, gentleman?


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2012)

Naturally, and he was a gentleman's surf if truth be known. We used him on the rose garden. At least he'll smell better in death than he ever did in life.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2012)

being now of modest income visa-vis cant be arsed to get out of bed and in to the office.
is there a websight one can use to search for a second hand bonded servant? i would only require light duty's, piggyback up the stairs, toe webbing oiling, applying lard to bits that get tender from using crutches ect.

they would get all the used lard to make sandwiches, the minimum union rate of ritualistic flogging and ride on the back of the growler in full dress uniform, to help me on and off and act as ballast.
the canvas biker jacket my children got for me buttons up the back so i need a hand getting in and out of it, it works that way around so the wind don't get on my chestickls.

i had a go at putting the catrike on the wheelchair rack on the back of the growler and is fits perfect! it looks a bit odd like a Yorkshire terrier mounting a bullmastiff but it works.


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2012)

chestickls!

He said chestickls. Is he allowed to say that???  

Moderator!!!!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Oct 2012)

Quick - find a Moderator ! 

Ask him or her !


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2012)

Last time I saw a decent chestickl...

Ahhh! Those were the days...


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> chestickls!
> 
> He said chestickls. Is he allowed to say that???
> 
> Moderator!!!!


yes big manly chestickls.


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2012)

UGH!

That's spoilt the picture for me forever. Excuse me while I go and wash my mind out with large quantities of Brandy.

She's a lovely girl!


----------



## n-ick (5 Oct 2012)

Shame sir and off with them.
Would save the Universe from infestation from SSG progeny.
That indeed makes me reach for the restorative.

I'v got some *CHEESESTIX*, is that close enough to count?


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2012)

my eldest lad came in today and told me he was his evil twin brother and they have swapped lives for a bit!
i wonder what my evil twin is doing and if he would like to swap for a bit?


----------



## Scoosh (5 Oct 2012)

psst ... he already has ....


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2012)

if i am the evil twin and have replaced my self, what cunning plan have i got? could i be planing some thing dramatic but cleverly hidden it from my self so i don't know but would i still be the evil twin or a prone, in my nefarious plot! i will interrogate my self today and find out. it takes a lot of sorting out this you know it is almost as bad as time travel.

the gunpowder production is coming along nicely, with in put from a local stable, i had a minor setback when the urine vats sprung a leak but i now have 40lb of salt peter the "fire work " should be quite impressive 
a test rocket will be mounted on the trike next week, accuracy is a problem though.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2012)

The he goes planing again without planning ahead.

Aim up Cosmo. we will have the telescopes aimed in the upward direction to spot your fiery and hopefully terminal re-entry to the atmosphere. Aim for Mars, lots of room to land there.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2012)

it is supposed to be a surface to surface rocket, i just cant get the thing to go straight.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2012)

Surface of Earth to surface of Mars sounds good to me. Maybe we should vote?

One here in favour of inflicting you on another planet, after all it may be the one you originate from.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> The he goes planing again without planning ahead.
> .... Aim for Mars, lots of room to land there.





byegad said:


> Surface of Earth to surface of Mars sounds good to me. Maybe we should vote?


There's a greater chance of a successful landing if you aim for Antares, which is a bit bigger and would definitely get my vote.

It's also much further away = take longer to get there = less likelihood of return soon =


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2012)

In space nobody can hear you scream so anywhere is good.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2012)

if i try and get into orbit let alone a inter solar system jolly there would be a good chance i would explode.
it might hurt and it would deprive my adoring public the presence of me.
it would sort out the problem of the piles of fan mail i am constantly having to deal with, i am very big in small African nations you know.
it makes getting trousers to fit difficult.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2012)

I'll take these point by point.
1. If i try and get into orbit let alone a inter solar system jolly there would be a good chance i would explode.
*This has been considered **and is a risk we are prepared to t**ake.*

2. It might hurt and it would deprive my adoring public the presence of me.
*These are seen as plus points by the vast majority of readers.*

3. It would sort out the problem of the piles of fan mail i am constantly having to deal with, i am very big in small African nations you know.
*The nephew of the ex-General Manager of the Nigerian National Bank is not a fan. He writes to gullible folk likely to give him money for nothing. Sadly he has never heard of Yorkshire folk's propensity to make the average Scot look like a spendthrift wastrel given to unseemly acts of generosity, or your own which makes the average Yorkshireman look like an open-handed drunk. *

4. It makes getting trousers to fit difficult.
*If this is a move towards appearing fully clothed in public at all times it is of course to be welcomed. However it smacks of a pathetic attempt to get out of your predetermined future role as explorer to other worlds that, in all respects, you seem eminently qualified to fulfil. It is being seen as a win/win scenario given we will have put an Earthling on Mars, or Antares or anywhere other than this planet and we will greatly benefit humankind, not to mention moths, termites, woodlice and many other earth-based animals.*


----------



## n-ick (7 Oct 2012)

*"New*
if i try and get into orbit let alone a inter solar system jolly there would be a good chance i would explode.​it might hurt and it would deprive my adoring public the presence of me.​it would sort out the problem of the piles of fan mail i am constantly having to deal with, i am very big in small African nations you know.​it makes getting trousers to fit difficult."​​I sent a copy of this to our friend the hospital psychiatrist, he both reckons that there is considerable cause for alarm. The possibilities are that this was originated from;​1.0 A chemically unbalanced brain​2.0 A paranoid chemically altered brain​3.0 A team of Shakespearean chimps , left for infinity in a room full of typewriters.​​I should seek treatment sir, a short cut would be to dangle a live electric cable ( or electric eel) into your bath and await results.​In case of possibility 3.0 , I should advise a career in the media, or even a zoo.​


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Oct 2012)

"3.0 A team of Shakespearean chimps , left for infinity in a room full of typewriters."
you know it would have to be an infinite number of chips for that to work and the logistics of banana supply let alone the nappy changing just make it impracticable. the cost would be ridiculous.
now for about £20 you could get a student in the uni to photo copy the work of bill in about 2 days.

an original work of pure thought and insight would be far better, i may start jotting a bit down. take for instance, the humble stick; be it ever so knotty and bent with a slight bloom of lichen, to a child it will become an asaultrifle , fighter plain, Excalibur, walking stick. a games console sucks the imagination out of a child all the work is done for there brain, as the brain is a muscle and needs exorcise or it will atrophy.
you end up with some thing like the colonials now have.
"
Why is hunting with an asault rifle frowned upon?
So I just inherited a bunch of guns from my grandma. And I was talking with some of my friends about hunting and stuff and I suggested using an ar-15 for hunting and I got bert stared and they told me you can't use an asault rifle for hunting.​​I don't think my friends really know as much as they pretend to about guns and hunting and stuff, and I know I dont.​​I also have a hunting rifle, a semi automatic remington with a scope it uses the same .223 ammo as the ar-15, yet it is ok to use that for hunting.​​Please aware me, why is it ok to use a semi auto-matic hunting rifle but not an ar-15 for hunting? By the way the ar-15 is semi automatic, not fully automatic.​​Cliffs​-inherited ar-15​-inherited semi auto hunting rifle​-friend says its ok to use hunting rifle for hunting but not ar-15"​​​apparently the local kids aspire to be like the colonials, when i hear them chatting together.​gone is "hail hardy fellow, how fairs you on the wonderful morrow" to "John's burd is well stunnin'. She wis pure mental wae 'um the other day cos he wantit tae hing aboot wi 'is pals 'n no take hur tae the Showcase. She took a hissy 'n bolted. It wis well funny."​


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2012)

NURSE!


----------



## jayjay (8 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> NURSE!


 I would go along with the brain exorcise instead.


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2012)

First we'd have to find it!


----------



## n-ick (9 Oct 2012)

Spud' s got an old ECT machine. It's been outside for a few months, I'm sure that we can get the mice out and repair the wiring. On the other hand , why bother.
A few thousand volts to where his bolts enter the neck ( brain activity being unlikely)and the SSG will be able to rejoin the rest of us and glow at night.
*"NURSE!!!!"*


----------



## Scoosh (9 Oct 2012)

Ah-Ha !! This must explain the item I saw on the news this evening. Strange colours were reported being seen in the sky over the west of Scotland last night. Some people are thinking they are the Aurora Borealis or Northern Lights ! 

What do they know ? 

Obviously n-ick was testing his ECT machine .....


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Oct 2012)

please remember i was tested and am compesmentes and have a certificate.

today was a meeting of the stewards, up the workers.
we got to hear what the cuts will be next year, up the workers.
the list of diseplinary hearings we will be attending, up the workers.
the nominations for Regional committee, up the workers.
there may be a reduction in the lard concession, from 1lb a month to 4oz!, up the workers.
Christmas has been canceled, all staff are on a rota for covering the office, up the workers.


----------



## byegad (9 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> please remember i was tested and am compesmentes and have a certificate. *Since revoked IIRC.*
> 
> today was a meeting of the stewards, up the workers.
> we got to hear what the cuts will be next year, up the workers.
> ...


 

Good to see that the Byegad School of Management and World Domination has some graduates in Rawmarsh. Next will come the random beatings and mysterious hovel house hovel fires and then the finding of body parts of missing revolutionaries by their relatives in anonymous packages. I assume the dead household pets have been turning up all week. *Nailed to the door is the accepted method of display.*

The most recalcitrant peasant on the Byegad estate some 50 years ago had to reassemble Grandad from the parts we'd sent him over the weeks he'd been away. Still it made for a convenient funeral with only one coffin even though it rattled a bit when you shook it, rather like the bits of a 1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle straight from the shop.


----------



## n-ick (10 Oct 2012)

*"please remember i was tested and am compesmentes and have a certificate".*

Is it too late to get your money back ?

I've got a 25yds swimming certificate , does that count ?


----------



## Scoosh (10 Oct 2012)

"Certificate" - as in you are now Certified ? 

This I can understand.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Oct 2012)

i might be going to brightona if i get the hotel i want with the ground floor room, it is a conglomeration of motorbike riders, at the sea side.
it is the uk version of daytona, but a bit damp and with kiss me quick hats.


"I've got a 25yds swimming certificate , does that count ?" No, no and thrice no!
you are not certified as sane and there for in my opinion a nuttier than something very nutty, as i am the only sane person in the world my opinion is definitive.

up the workers!


----------



## n-ick (11 Oct 2012)

*"I've got a 25yds swimming certificate , does that count ?" No, no and thrice no!*
* you are not certified as sane and there for in my opinion a nuttier than something very nutty, as i am the only sane person in the world my opinion is definitive.*

Watch out the good citizens of Brighton!! I hear several citizens have already left in the wake of the SSG .Small dogs are to issued with blinkers and the elderly given hoods.

In order to alert the innocent, I suggest a tattoo across the forehead "DAM", or even" DAMmai". This should be a constant reminder when admiring yourself in the mirror.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Oct 2012)

i will take the wheelchair, as i can then trundle about and spread the happiness that is I.
i was thinking of taking the catrike as i can cover a lot of ground with that but would make pubs a problem.

i will have to put up some photos of the trike on the back of my bmw trike it looks funky, i get some odd looks going past cars with the wheelchair on the back*, with the trike!
i mount it crank down with the back wheel and seat over the rear seat, i don't know what it will do for top end speed and fuel economy.

*obviously ambling along at a sedate pace well below the speed limit officer**
** under uncontrolled conditions using the sat nav speedometer 110mph cruising is stable and comfortable, not wearing a helmet ear plugs and lard are essential.

the meeting for the tikeonauts association posted on the web-sight is confirmed here http://www3.hilton.com/en/hotels/ma...s-iru-fushi-resort-and-spa-MLEIRHI/index.html


----------



## n-ick (11 Oct 2012)

Ye Gods, a time and place to be avoided. Citizens of the South, lock up your assets and prepare for *DOOM.*

"i will have to put up some photos of the trike on the back of my bmw trike"
Tha' might find that at anything over walking pace, they'll blow away;
EEE Cosmao, 'tis like trying to teach granny Cosmao how to knit wi' spaghetti.


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2012)

Upon reflection, I am not in the MOOD for DOOM.


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2012)

That is Mood not Nood, for those wot are ard of earring.


----------



## n-ick (12 Oct 2012)

http://www3.hilton.com/en/hotels/ma...s-iru-fushi-resort-and-spa-MLEIRHI/index.html
I note with alarm sir, that this is very much in foreign parts. Do you intend returning ?


----------



## byegad (12 Oct 2012)

Shhhhhhh!

I've had my fingers crossed all day and now you blab it out.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Oct 2012)

it may not come to pass the auditors are looking at the books, they say the comity booking this for a fact finding trip and meeting is suspect! i told them we will be experimenting with fitting floats to the trikes and all the sunshine will be good for my osteoporosis and arthritis.
up the workers.

today i was flat on my back with the doctor doing things to me, i am sure they where not in the spirit of the Hippocratic oath.
it brought a tear to my eye i can tell you.

"Ye Gods, a time and place to be avoided. Citizens of the South, lock up your assets and prepare for *DOOM."*
it is only the local chapter of the druids mcc and about 40 other mcc affiliated with the hells angels uk plc, there is nothing to get worried about. they have not killed any one for years and beatings are only performed reluctantly.


----------



## byegad (13 Oct 2012)

1. Do they still fulfil contracts?
2. Will they take one to kill a fellow coven member?
3. Will the rest of the thread's leadership chip in?


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Oct 2012)

yes
no
no

my library to a large extent is now on my kindle, amazon use you book buying info to target you with offers.
the problem is we have three 4 kindles all registered to my account and my kids get books, mags ect as well; this may have coursed the advertising robot to throw a bit of a wobbly.
from the offers i have received it believes i am a 40s teen with excessive hair an interest in gaming working my way through a law degree
apparently they believes i would like a new electric shaver, magazines about some appalling bands, dvds about some American tv programs and sitcoms, all kinds of football crap.
i find my self wondering if i can brake it just bye perusing random things on amazon? or at least get the most bizarre offers.


----------



## byegad (13 Oct 2012)

Just had a pm from one of your chapter. He offered to take the contract for free.

Be afraid, be very afraid!


----------



## n-ick (13 Oct 2012)

*"yes*
* no*
* no"*

I could think up at least 3 questions for which the above answers would either get you transportation,prison or a one way trip off Beachy Head. Take care sir in posting spurious comment, there are those who would move against you (hopefully).


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Oct 2012)

no
up the workers
lard
Rotherham will be in the news tonight, the revolution starts today and i have a list who will be shown a rather interesting stretch of wall.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Oct 2012)

*yes*
*yes*
*no *

*up the workers*
*Eight hundred extra police have been on duty today* (Saturday)in Rotherham due to demonstrations between the English Defence League and United Against Fascism.
*It is estimated around 300 English Defence League (EDL) members took part in the march while around half that number demonstrated against the EDL.

South Yorkshire Police say the demonstrations passed 'without any significant disorder.’

EDL members congregated on Bridgegate before marching towards the Town Hall of lard for a number of public speeches. United Against Fascism supporters also marched to the Town Hall after congregating in All Saints Square block of lard.

*on top of the over 100 already on duty as there was a football match on as well, think of the overtime! all thats coming out of my council tax  the lads from the bike club would have done security for £500. most of them have door security licenses and some have certificates to show they are homosapiens and not just shaved gorillas.


----------



## n-ick (14 Oct 2012)

Have you got a certificate to show you're not an endangered species ?

Attenborough beware "SSGorilla in the mist"


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Oct 2012)

no one can describe me as a gorilla with my bone structure, refined elfin features! i am not vary big, i think petite and delicate is an apt description.


i am sick cough cough.......hoooo the pain hooo so week, perhaps some one could rub some 20year old single molt on my gums it may revive me a bit; perhaps some hot towels on my joints.....
the lights are so bright... it hurts to lift my head from the pillow...... are .. you ..... hear mummy?
i dont think i can make it in to work this week, i think i will have to stay in the hotel for a day or two.

it just so happens i have not had a day off for 14 months so have regained my full sick leave entitlement, what serendipity and they have an offer on book three extra days at 25% reduction on your stay and get an extra day free.


----------



## byegad (15 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> no one can describe me as a gorilla with my bone structure, refined elfin features! i am not vary big, i think petite and delicate is an apt description.


 
More like monkey than man?? Or Ape!


----------



## n-ick (15 Oct 2012)

Hey ,it's the missing link!
_Homo rawmarshensis_.


----------



## byegad (15 Oct 2012)

Just been speaking to Brighton police. Sad to say the SBGG is not relaxing in a 5 star Hotel being waited on hand and paw. Rather he fell foul of the forces of Law and Order and is languishing in jail awaiting deportation to a destination unknown where he will be taught to breath under water for extended periods and given the badly needed ECT treatment he needs as soon as they charge the lorry batteries.

Rumours of emasculation in case the talking _Homo rawmarshensis_ becomes common and pollutes the gene pool of Homo Sapiens are not yet confirmed.


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2012)

Just had an urgent request from the SBGG for help to meet bail. They want £6000 to let him out.

He broke down in tears when I told him he could rot in the Police cells before I'd pay a brass farthing!

So any readers willing to get the badly shaved ape out of jail?


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2012)

Thought not!


----------



## Scoosh (16 Oct 2012)

Yes - I think we can find a motor-trike-thing to sell and raise 50p towards the £6,000  required ...

That's what got him into all this trouble - mixing with leather-clad persons of dubious reputation  as opposed to mixing with lieabout persons of slightly even more dubious reputation  .


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2012)

Only £5999.50 to go then. Hope he likes porridge!


----------



## Scoosh (16 Oct 2012)

Cold porridge too, probably ...


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2012)

Southern cold porridge.


----------



## Scoosh (16 Oct 2012)




----------



## n-ick (17 Oct 2012)

EEUP Cosmio, I hear that tha's going to be used for Tazer practice. Dibble found it too easy with t'blind fellow. I've suggested that in view of your disability a 20 second lead be given and that you wear a hi-viz suit in case you get lost.
Spud has invented a super Tazer, unfortunately this is wired directly into the sub station next door. We would be pleased to demonstrate it on you.Could you bring along some coins for the meter?

A few thousand would do.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Oct 2012)

Oooooh poorly cough cough hoooooo I am going to stay at the sea side for a bit cough cough


----------



## byegad (18 Oct 2012)

No use lying to us all. The truth is out your banged up for possession of of a face likely to cause a beach of the peace, talking with a Northern accent and being in possession of a disability likely to offend right thinking Southern softies.

Good news is we've collected nearly 50p* out of the £6000 bail and at this rate you should be out of jail late in this century.

Well 50p minus commission, collection costs, transfer fees and theft, so actually we now have -32p!

Don't worry we'll soon definitely possibly maybe collect the £6000.32. Eventually!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Oct 2012)

Being of sound mind and unsound body can be a problem.


----------



## Speicher (19 Oct 2012)

I do not like the sound of that.
A move to Plymouth sound would be a good idea.


----------



## Scoosh (19 Oct 2012)

I'm very glad that there is at least one who considers your sound to be mined.


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> Being of sound mind and unsound body can be a problem.


 
Who told you?


----------



## Scoosh (20 Oct 2012)

He listened carefully ... 

The sound mind spoke to him ..... 


He _knows_ things ....


----------



## byegad (20 Oct 2012)

Oh dear! He's hearing the voices again. Last time was bad enough but at least he was at home and in Rawmarsh much of his aberrant behaviour went unnoticed as people there are used to it. On the South coast his court hearing will last 2 minutes and he'll be detained under the mental health act.
Meanwhile we still need to raise money for his bail. Following bank charges, overdraft charges and my fee we now need £1532.78 to spring him from the Rozzers.
The Yorkshire missionary to the far South has applied for a permit to visit him in the cells. He needs a small donation to travel from Lincolnshire, where he is based, to the South Coast. He intends to use the Osborne method of 1st class travel so we only need to spring for a Standard class ticket.


----------



## byegad (21 Oct 2012)

Great news. We can take out a pay day loan for the entire sum to restore the SBGG to Yorkshire. The £23,456.89 (More fees, overdraft charges and theft, I made the mistake of passing the hat round on our Sunday ride and it disappeared.) can be raised by tomorrow morning and the SBGG can pay it back in 2400 easy payments of £3054.23/month.

All I need to set this in motion is someone to forge his signature. So far I have 132 volunteers, but sadly they all write too well and only 4 of them managed to spell his name incorrectly and their writing was far too legible anyway.

More anon!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Oct 2012)

I am back in the realm of the blessed, still a bit frail. 
The people of Brighton are very friendly and welcoming, I met some lovely young lady's, strapping lasses* who had no problem lifting the wheelchair in and out of the pubs, er Heath spar.

Trixy introduced me to something called a cocktail apparently they are common out side of Yorkshire!
I managed to sample some, a bit sweet and sticky is the best I can say for them.
I thought I might not be allowed in with only taking my biker clothing not expecting an extended stay but was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of the bikers must have had the Same idea as me, though there gear tended to be a bit flimsy, spars er not finished and would offer little or no protection from the elements.

A nice place, never had a pint with an umbrella in it but when in Rome.


*a bit heavy on the makeup but looked like if any one tried to mug them they would be in for a beating.


----------



## byegad (22 Oct 2012)

Well now that the SBGG is back in civilisation, sprung by his transvestite pals, we don't need the whip round. Still I made money and the SBGG is still burdened with the Wonga Loan.

Win/win in my book.


----------



## Scoosh (22 Oct 2012)

BUT you don't get to whip him around ...  <kicks tin can>


----------



## byegad (22 Oct 2012)

In response to both requests for a refund of their donation:-

'I wish you good luck in getting it back. As a Yorkshireman, it is against my religious beliefs to refund anything. So tough!

To the caller threatening me with court action, as the Yorkshire Ambassador to the Heathen North and High Priest of the Ancient Art of Paynowt/Spendnowt I claim diplomatic immunity and will bring down the wrath of Tightarse the God of all good* Yorkshiremen** on you and your house/hovel/mansion/cave/tent/hedgebottom***.

*By definition this is all Yorkshiremen as bad ones are sent to Lancashire until they learn the error of their ways.
**In obedience to the Great Moot of Selby 2011 this now includes all Yorkshirewomen too!
***Delete as appropriate!


----------



## byegad (22 Oct 2012)

Scoosh said:


> BUT you don't get to whip him around ...  <kicks tin can>


We don't wish to give him pleasure!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> Well now that the SBGG is back in civilisation, sprung by his transvestite pals, we don't need the whip round. Still I made money and the SBGG is still burdened with the Wonga Loan.
> 
> Win/win in my book.



What is a transvester? I know there is a nip in the air but why bring a genial mans under garment in to it? The bets I laid with a gaming establishment re winners of best bike, best rat rod ect payed off.
So factoring in my winnings all the cheep nights out* the week cost me not a lot.
Next year I may be able to crash in some ones flat for nothing.

As sbgg is copyrighted and any money collected in association with it is to be handed over. I have discovered audio blogs "how every thing works "is a good one so I am thinking of doing a weekly pod cast, about what I have been doing, seeing, my spin on the world ect. Please order your prescription drugs, medication before you listen to the first one.
*i was acting as an impromptu ricks haw, trixi would take me in a pub some i would do a lap of the dance floor with some chap sat on my knee and he would get me a pint or cocktail, trixy said it was a tradition.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Oct 2012)

Being of sound mind and frail body not standing up in bed taping this out on my tablet.
Up the workers.
A 8oz of lard for every working man every week, 6 and a half tea bags every two weeks and no taxation on frogs.
We are firm on this, no negotiation!
Up the workers


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2012)

Damn! He's back and 'the voices' must be really bad.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Oct 2012)

<whisper>
Should someone tell him that the world has moved on a few thousand years and we now use pencils - pens even - rather than writing on tablets ? 

Or is the 'tablet' to which he refers the one he should have swallowed _before_ 'enlightening'  CC with his New Deal for the socially deprived and dietarily challenged ?


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2012)

He probably has thousands of tablets. Several of them are to stop the voices getting through. My guess is he didn't take enough for his protracted stay 'Dawn Sooff' and so the voices have returned.

Good news is he isn't going to Wooler next weekend, I got the list last night. So sanity will reign supreme there at least.


----------



## n-ick (23 Oct 2012)

The good folk of Wooler will no doubt be releived.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2012)

Relieved? I heard they hired a hit man to poison the SBGG while he was in the Souff. They've asked for a refund.

I've mentioned my refund policy, or lack of it, earlier in the thread.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Oct 2012)

Woofer! I can just turn up you know as they have lots of room.

I have never had a problem with the voices after I put tinfoil in my shoes.
It is Halloween so some of the woofer riders will be able to go out without there head bags, this will be a big plus for some.

I have been invited to a party this weekend I think I will go as frank thighweight inventor of the reciprocal inverted flange reamer it changed the course of civilian.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2012)

INTERPRETER!!!!!


----------



## n-ick (24 Oct 2012)

Is it in English , GlamEnglish or the usual Rawmarsh Gobbleegook ?
Has the medication finally rewired his brain ?
Would a scan find evidence ?
Spud is keen to try out his Black and Decker trepanning drill (multispeed and countersunk mode).
Anyone want to hold the ssg still ?


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2012)

n-ick said:


> Is it in English , GlamEnglish or the usual Rawmarsh Gobbleegook ?
> _Answer. Who knows?_
> 
> Has the medication finally rewired his brain ?
> ...


_Answer. We could wave a real five pound note in front of him until he's hypnotised. Times vary in direct proportion to intelligence so 3 seconds should be enough._


----------



## n-ick (24 Oct 2012)

It's no good, even with doubling the posts we'll never get to page 100 !


----------



## Scoosh (24 Oct 2012)

Oh Yes, we will


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2012)

Well played Scoosh.

Erm!

You do know that first to 100 pages buys all of the regulars a bottle of Vodka?

Mine's a large one!


----------



## Scoosh (24 Oct 2012)

I really couldn't have done it without all the amazing contributors to this thread, who have been so ........ blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... <pause for > ... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... blah, blah, blah ...... and most of all to the instigators of the incident which caused our dear friend  , now referred to in terms of endearment  as SBGG .... 





... err ... what ?   









Nearly ...


----------



## n-ick (24 Oct 2012)

He'll be chuffed I'm sure.
Hopefully chuffed somewhere painful !


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2012)

Chuffed as little teacakes that we made one hundred pages. However if we took out the stupid posts, mad posts and weird posts we'd still be on page one!


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Oct 2012)

n-ick said:


> It's no good, even with doubling the posts we'll never get to page 100 !


What happens at 100 will reality collapsing in on its self under the shear weight of logic?

I got my self a new helmet this week, it is a frank Thomas open faced with secondary sun visor. Using this type of helmet my adoring public will still be able to see it is me as I trundle past.

This week I have Also been grafting at the coal face that is customer information delivery and support , one day I will figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I only have a five day weekend now.


----------



## byegad (24 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> What happens at 100 will reality collapsing in on its self under the shear weight of logic?


 
We have noticed this before. Check the page number!


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Oct 2012)

Aaaarrrrggggg the end is nigh run for the hills.
Will putting a paper bag over your he'd and not standing up help?

I was reminded of the first time I watched the exorcist tonight, the precast walking in to the front of the house with that fog filed street, I fancy having a go at that.

I could cure people of spending money "be gone store credit card", "be gone".


----------



## byegad (25 Oct 2012)

Sigh!


----------



## Scoosh (25 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> Sigh!


Agreed, + 1 etc 

_Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose_ ...


----------



## byegad (25 Oct 2012)

La plume de ma tant et sur le bureau de mon oncle!

Agreed. Sigh!


----------



## Scoosh (25 Oct 2012)

byegad said:


> La plume de ma tant*e* e*s*t sur le bureau de mon oncle!


----------



## byegad (25 Oct 2012)

Mon Dieu! Une Erreur très mauvais. Je suis dessole.


----------



## Scoosh (25 Oct 2012)

_Au contraire - deux erreurs !_

_ _


----------



## byegad (25 Oct 2012)

Deux! Je suis horrifiée. Zut alors.


----------



## n-ick (25 Oct 2012)

"This week I have Also been grafting at the coal face that is customer information delivery and support , one day I will figure out what I am supposed to be doing. "

Merde !


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Oct 2012)

I am of to see the saw bones tomorrow he gives me a sticker when I am good.
Lots of new pils this time as my bendy bits don't and my bony bits do, the wonders of modern medicin, only a short time ago I was blissfully unaware of my state of health.
I now know the full extent of my decrepitude and they will not give me a refund or do any thing under warranty.

Up the workers


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Oct 2012)

Lard has failed me..... I am crestfallen and depressed.


----------



## byegad (25 Oct 2012)

n-ick said:


> "This week I have Also been grafting at the coal face that is customer information delivery and support , one day I will figure out what I am supposed to be doing. "
> 
> Merde !


----------



## Scoosh (25 Oct 2012)

Depressed ???  When you have so much going for you ??? 

How much ? - you ask. 

Well, there's byegad and n-ick and Scoosh and Speicher and .... need I go on ? 

We're all going for you and OOTD* *we may GET YOU* - and _then_ you had better behave/ watch out/ buy the beer cake champagne and truffles, as we have been here for you, loyally kicking your butt supporting you (a la Monsieur Jock) and doing our level and undulating best to kick some sense into you assist you in your hour(s and hours and hours x 100) of need.

Stiffen your upper lip and GET ON WITH IT- preferably once you have been informed by the aforementioned ones who have 'been there'** for you.


I don't know, young people these days ... <kicks tin can>

<goes off muttering>



* One Of These Days
** been there - a term used to describe a place so far removed from reality that surrealism is wa-a-ay behind


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Oct 2012)

The support and encouragement is......... Er ...has Inertia if lacking some what in substance, the doc says I may have to become chemical happy.

What is this surrealism? I don't think we have that around hear I think it is a posh southern sounding thing, it probably has Crome plated bits, candelabra and reclining ashtrays.
Havering the only real reality can be a burden having to imagine you lot takes effort you know and the new pils might make me stop then there you will be, not!
Or I may start imagine new and interesting taxes or Katy price becomes interested in politics starts a trend and the commons will be full of Selebs doing stunts or pretending to be falling out with each other to get on the front page.
With Katy as priministor we might have to go to war against the French* because of what ludivine sagnier say about Katy's latest boob job.

I now have a GPS with hart rait monitor, I am now worrying as some times it appears to be going backwards! Should I be carrying a defibrillator?


*serves them right chees eating surrender monkeys.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Oct 2012)

My lad has put skive app on my ipodthingwhatsit I can now video chat with him when he is up in his bed room.
This makes requests for tea and getting out of the chair a lot more civilised gone are the days of bashing the celling with a stick.

I can now have chats with my mini me lumpy jumper at Leeds university and it cost nothing! I am at the thick end of happiness.


----------



## Scoosh (26 Oct 2012)

Marvellous thing, tekknololology  .... you could even go out on the town, skive them and they'd still think you were at home in your rocking chair ...


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Oct 2012)

Scoosh said:


> Marvellous thing, tekknololology  .... you could even go out on the town, skive them and they'd still think you were at home in your rocking chair ...


You mean I can go out unsupervised and no one would know.
Think of all the things I can do now...... Gosh gird your loins world I am freeeeeeeee.


----------



## Scoosh (26 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> You mean I can go out unsupervised and no one would know.
> Think of all the things I can do now...... Gosh gird your loins world I am freeeeeeeee.


... as long as the background and off-camera sounds in the pics don't give the game away .... 

.... unless you have a carefully crafted vid sequence of your living room, as seen from your chair, which you play as a background while you celebrate a night on the town ...




...



.....



... etc


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Oct 2012)

I can print off a picture of the back ground and staple it to the back of my head, experimentation will begin later today.


----------



## n-ick (28 Oct 2012)

I've got some rusty six inch nails. These would surely be better than staples, in light of the current weather.
If you like we can get Katy price to knock them in.


----------



## byegad (28 Oct 2012)

I was thinking more of a nail gun.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Oct 2012)

you want Katy price to nail me!
i will think about it, i get a lot of offers every week you know.

i am now going out on the trike with a 12v electric heated vest, wool under garments liberally coated in lard and brown paper and fiery jack rubbed on my back. yet i am still stiffening up drastic steps must be taken emigration is the only way forward, i need a sponsor to vouch for me and a job to go to, some thing like posture support mattress tester.


----------



## byegad (28 Oct 2012)

I wouldn't wish Katy Price on my worse enemy. Hope she enjoys you! Though I doubt it!


----------



## n-ick (30 Oct 2012)

_*"i need a sponsor to vouch for me and a job to go to, some thing like posture support mattress tester."*_
I'm afraid that just this once ,"I'm out".


----------



## byegad (30 Oct 2012)

I think our best bet is to dismantle the SBGG and sell his parts on Ebay Gum, the Yorkshire site for sale of unwanted junk. With a wind behind us and a few false bids to boost the prices we could possibly get over £2.33, which by coincidence is the price of a pint of my favourite beer in the local.

All in favour say Eye!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Oct 2012)

My aching back, I have put some hard graft in the last few nights.

It is back to work again in the morning, I may have to have a long lunch to get over the shock of it.
You know my apprentice is revolting, he refuses to get my tea! And keeps prattling on about wanting paying.
He is gaining on the job training and access to my colossal store house of on the job expeirence.
Ungrateful that's what he is, I told he so as we'll while he was making an half hatred job of washing my car.


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2012)

He's got an apprentice.

OH! NO!

A mini-sbgg to deal with.

Sob...sob...sob!

Whil thisse wone lern tooo spel corektely?

 I want my mummy!


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2012)

I thought the crew would like to see this thread.

http://www.cyclechat.net/threads/donating-organs-for-money.116707/

We can make even more money than I thought by disassembling the SBGG. Enough for a good drink all round!

Lovely.


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2012)

He is "minion" even the managers call him that now.

The new enabling customer input interface program will be switched on tomorrow! Gosh I am so exited.
I may have to and have a not stand up just thinking about it.


----------



## n-ick (31 Oct 2012)

*"The new enabling customer input interface program will be switched on tomorrow!"*
"Houston we have a problem".

EEEUP Cosmaio, hope tha's all decorated up for Halloween !


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> He is "minion" even the managers call him that now.
> 
> The new enabling customer input interface program will be switched on tomorrow! Gosh I am so exited.
> I may have to and have a not stand up just thinking about it.


 
Sorry to see you've had the sack. However that will enable customers to speak to a human being. :troll:


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2012)

n-ick said:


> *"The new enabling customer input interface program will be switched on tomorrow!"*
> "Houston we have a problem".
> 
> EEEUP Cosmaio, hope tha's all decorated up for Halloween !



I walk like igore as it is, with the byegad mask on as we'll old lady's will faint and children will run away.

The new interface is so now any one wants any service from us they have to pay first, so we get there brass before we have done a lick. It will cut back on people not paying there invoices.
Basically it will vastly increase the amount of time people will have stay on the phone while we in put all the information, form a 3min turn over to about 10 if the payment goes through first try.

Gosh it is fantastical what they can do with technology now.
We have gone from one lady taking names and address and handing them over to the ops to contact them and collect there payment on the spot, to a call centre passing the info to two admin staff booking in the appointment then two doing the billing and invoicing.

I have noticed I have very hairy arms today.
Up the workers


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Oct 2012)

nasal hair a wonderful thing! 




Lard!


----------



## byegad (31 Oct 2012)

Anyone else noticed we're in Room 101?


----------



## n-ick (1 Nov 2012)

If we're playing that again;
Piers Morgan !


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2012)

SBGG


Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please!


----------



## n-ick (1 Nov 2012)

Next one in ; Peter Mandelson.


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2012)

Jeremy CHunt


----------



## Scoosh (1 Nov 2012)

n-ick said:


> Next one in ; Peter Mandelson.


I'd agree with this - but for his excellent comments when asked the question: "What do you think about Alex Salmond and his chances of winning the Scottish independence referendum ?" on R4 last Saturday am.

His response (not exact) was: "Ah - 2 different questions ! Alex Salmond is a charismatic, skilful - blah blah - blah.
The Scottish people need to think beyond Alex Salmond; he will not be around forever. Independence is not just for Christmas - it's for life."

One of the very few times I have agreed with - nay even liked - something that <...............................> (insert uncomplimentary comments) has said.

Despite this, on reflection - yup - 101 for Mandy !  QUICK !


----------



## Scoosh (1 Nov 2012)

byegad said:


> Anyone else noticed we're in Room 101?


102 by the time it was posted


----------



## byegad (2 Nov 2012)

Typical of Jezza. Too slow!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Nov 2012)

there has been a slight hiccup in The Recovery my 25yr 3275 step plan to become fully mobile and fit.
i am now wearing and electric heated shirt so i can get out and about a bit, without sizing up
my rides are now to the end of the extension and back, my eldest mini me informs me they can put electric in boxes now , so will be able to go back to the 24mile rides. 
i will be like the Duracell bunny, what ever that is?


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Nov 2012)

byegad said:


> SBGG
> 
> 
> Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please!


 
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaww go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, *lard,* go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, up the workers, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, will yer not?


----------



## byegad (2 Nov 2012)

Damn it all Nick. Your electric shirt hasn't got enough power. You were certain he'd be fried alive.

Back to the drawing board!


----------



## n-ick (2 Nov 2012)

Would advise long recharge by plugging straight into the national grid. There's plenty substations en route, there may be blood.
Terry Wogan.


----------



## byegad (2 Nov 2012)

Next time we go for my plan. Exploding boots filled with cold porridge. He'll fall for it no worries.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Nov 2012)

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon when out on a 2-wheeled pedal-driven not-stand-up machine and using a wireless computator:
- there are occasions when riding that my max speed has been recorded something over 50mph. Now I know I have not been going that quickly, so there has clearly been a radiated high-voltage electricitic thing or a malfunction/ crack in the distance/time continuum. 

My thought is to use the flagpoles which are evident on the SBGG's trike to harness these high-voltage powers which float around so readily in the country and transmit them to the seat of the aforementioned trike. This will save the great costs of recharging the national grid. 

Bit like the old trolley-buses, I suppose, with slight modifications to the final location of the power.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Nov 2012)

i have trapped nerves in my neck again...... there is a tiny bit of discomfort........ whimper 
i like morpheme and its derivatives, i would go for the old fashioned remedy* of jumping of a bridge with a rope around the neck to stretch the spine, but i cant move out of my chair! mini me two has offered to carry me to the bridge at the end of the road.
he is so helpful it will be a blow when he moves out, he has not said any thing yet but i have noticed he has been looking at house prices and how much it would be to get a house just like mine. 

we have an electric tram system here the problem with it is the gap at the side of the rails is exactly the right size for a bike tyre to drop in to and it is a tight fit, they are dangerous even on a trike as if your front wheel drops in you just end up following the line, the only way to get out is to stop and lift the trike out.
if i had i wire run up my flag pole to an electric motor given the voltage and the trike is about 40lb i think there is a good chance i would do around 90mph.
*my eldest mini me swears this is the proper treatment, though i am a bit skeptical.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Nov 2012)

<tone of gravitas>

SBGG - for all the banter and making light of your injuries and ailments, I salute you for your attitude and good humour throughout the past 102 pages of your travails. 

You have made a serious situation into one of entertainment for yourself and others.

Thank you. 
<sheds gravitas cloak>


Ah ! Here come the nice men with my nice give-yourself-a-hug white jacket 

I may be some time ....


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2012)

Scoosh said:


> I have noticed an interesting phenomenon when out on a 2-wheeled pedal-driven not-stand-up machine and using a wireless computator:
> - there are occasions when riding that my max speed has been recorded something over 50mph. Now I know I have not been going that quickly, so there has clearly been a radiated high-voltage electricitic thing or a malfunction/ crack in the distance/time continuum.
> 
> My thought is to use the flagpoles which are evident on the SBGG's trike to harness these high-voltage powers which float around so readily in the country and transmit them to the seat of the aforementioned trike. This will save the great costs of recharging the national grid.
> ...


 
It's like the DeLorean in Back to the future. As you get near 88mph the static discharge builds up.

OR...

I find my wireless computer on the QNT (The others don't have a computer.) registers 109.3mph while I'm standing at traffic lights. The sensor loop sets it off at that speed every time.


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> i have trapped nerves in my neck again...... there is a tiny bit of discomfort........ whimper
> i like morpheme and its derivatives, i would go for the old fashioned remedy* of jumping of a bridge with a rope around the neck to stretch the spine, but i cant move out of my chair! mini me two has offered to carry me to the bridge at the end of the road.
> he is so helpful it will be a blow when he moves out, he has not said any thing yet but i have noticed he has been looking at house prices and how much it would be to get a house just like mine.
> 
> ...


 
Better yet ride a tall bike and reach up with your hand to the wore. Make sure you have a decent earthing strip so the current can get to earth.


----------



## n-ick (3 Nov 2012)

"The wore" ? Bygad sire we're all cachting it .
Better way for himself to "get to earth" is a drop from 24 miles up. I think that Spud still has his space balloon plans . I don't think the concept of parachute was included.


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2012)

Dash a mispront. I of course meant wyre.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Nov 2012)

i fink some one has been reading this recovery and taking advice from byegad and n-ick!
i am to lay on a bed thingy with my ankles strapped/nailed in then it is rotated so my feet will be in the air then the twisting and exorcising begins. i did not believe them to start with.
i still think some one has been bribing the doc


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2012)

Money talks! Well spent Nick, Scoosh and Speicher. Sadly I couldn't quite reach the bottom of my pockets so didn't manage to contribute. It turns out my groat wasn't needed.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Nov 2012)

Ah !

<ssshhh - 'they' don't know I'm OUT>>


----------



## Scoosh (3 Nov 2012)

I _spent_ ????


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Nov 2012)

Scoosh said:


> <tone of gravitas>
> 
> SBGG - for all the banter and making light of your injuries and ailments, I salute you for your attitude and good humour throughout the past 102 pages of your travails.
> 
> ...


you know 99.9% of the time i am ok and deliriously happy, having my very own universe* helps, being the supreme being can put a shine on your day.
it is when i try to go shopping at the supermarket and cant get a parking space for white vans, people without blue badges or with a badge but just sat in a space waiting for some one**  and when did having a kid make you disabled?
i can get in a standard space as i can walk around the back of the car to get the wheelchair out, but then have to go between the parked cars across the car par.
cars cant see you when they are speeding about, i have had several near misses.

thousands of miles laid on my back 6" of the ground peddling about on the road, to be taken out pushing my self across a car park
i could just ride the trike down there and go around the shop in it chucking shopping in the trailer. people go around in them electric buggy things 



*i found it at the back of a shoe box in the loft it must have been growing there for years.
**i could get a tad miffed


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2012)

Scoosh said:


> I _spent_ ????


 
 Err. Did I forget to tell you?  Well it's like this you see... 


We broke into your house and removed some money...

We knew you'd want to contribute and to save you the trouble we helped ourselves, sort of...


----------



## n-ick (4 Nov 2012)

*you know 99.9% of the time i am ok and deliriously happy, having my very own universe* helps, being the supreme being can put a shine on your day.*

Whatever he's on, I'm getting some.

I've printed this out and I'm off to see the doc next week.

Pippppa Middleton.


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2012)

He takes a cocktail of barbiturates, diamorphine related products and lard. Mixed with a good quality ale it brings on delusions of grandeur and a strong predilection to sing the national anthem, Ilkley Moor Bah t'at, backwards.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Nov 2012)

The end of mushroom season :-(
I have plenty dried or pickled to las the rest of the year, I had to get the mini me's and some uni students, to help pick them.
They got me some new varietys this time.

I may be allergic to blue vaind chees the, after having one of my mushroom and chees omlets last night I had some very disturbe sleep, I kept dreaming about wooly hats for unicorns, that is why they all died out you know.
Every one hunted them to steel there hats for use as tea cosies. All very sad you know.


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2012)

I rest my case... Set down my portmanteau...put my trunk down....place my luggage on the floor.

Woolly hats for unicorns? Pah!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Nov 2012)

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=u...oAQ&biw=1024&bih=644#biv=i|2;d|O30FJ6--PNCsNM:

I knew the murpul* hedgehog was telling me the truth. 

*purpul with a dash of goringe.


----------



## Speicher (5 Nov 2012)




----------



## n-ick (5 Nov 2012)

Perhaps we should post a note to anyone stumbling across this thread.

In effect they have not entered another dimension or a bizzare lsd funded site.


Could SSB please note that his spell cheqer needs rebooooting.


----------



## byegad (5 Nov 2012)

Let's all hope a Yorkshire lesser headed drop bear gets him some time soon.

Unicorns? I ask you, next he'll be believing in David Cameron and Nick Clegg. Anyone can see all three are the figment of a diseased brain.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Nov 2012)

Clegg eeeeeeeeee int he that chap wonders about in a Gary pack a mack with that little scruffy bloke and a tall gormless twit?

In the cold weather I am having problems with the chesstickles if I re fit the chain with a cross over in it I can peddle forward but have trike go backwards, this would keep the wind off my front.
All I need is a helmet with a rear facing periscope and change the steering linkage to a cross over.

Lacking a win on the lottery retiring to a nice sunny exotic foreign retreat like Brighton is out*
I will have to set my aspirations a little lower and build a spar in the shed.
A paddling pool with air pump from the fish tank would make a good jacuzzi, I have a pot bell stove, With that going it would be a fantastic sauna. 
All I would then need is a burly Hilda to hit me with birch branches and manipulation of spine realignment tripe stuff.
Hilda's work in them German drinking tavern places and can be seen carrying them two pint mugs in each hand, knuckle like walnuts.


*must remember to purchase a ticket one day, it might increase my chance of winning.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Nov 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> All I would then need is a burly Hilda to hit me with birch branches and manipulation of spine realignment tripe stuff.


<psst - byegad, n-ick, Speicher et al ....> 

Wanna shot ?


----------



## byegad (5 Nov 2012)

The problem of an air supply for the jacuzzi can be solved by eating large quantities of Brussels Sprouts. 

Could the volunteers to be 'Hilda' please form an orderly queue along the A1 if you stand 18 people wide we may just fit you all in between London and Rawmarsh.

Those with their own birch twigs will receive preferential treatment, but if you have a genuine Cat O' Nine Tails you have the job! Anyone with their own Guillotine will be paid real money.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Nov 2012)

byegad said:


> Could the volunteers to be 'Hilda' please form an orderly queue along the A1 if you stand 18 people wide we may just fit you all in between London and Rawmarsh.
> 
> Those with their own birch twigs will receive preferential treatment, but if you have a genuine Cat O' Nine Tails you have the job! Anyone with their own Guillotine will be paid real money.





> *must remember to purchase a ticket one day, it might increase my chance of winning.


----------



## byegad (5 Nov 2012)

Please stop emailing me with names and addresses of willing 'Hildas' Such is the popularity of the potential post that I will only consider names written on a £10 note.

Mail to either:-
Lord Byegad. EE BAH GUM and two bars, Oak Leaves, Swords and Twiddly bits.
North Wing
Byegad Towers
Yorkshire
YO1 1NR
Or
His Excellency the Yorkshire Ambassador to the Frozen North.
Lord Byegad. EE BAH GUM and two bars, Oak Leaves, Swords and Twiddly bits.
Byegad Hall
Durham City
County Durham
DH1 1HR

Cash only and a draw for the most violent suggestions with a cash prize* and first strokes at the SBGG puny body.

*Payable to me.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Nov 2012)

There must be quite a few names written on a £ 10 note but, sadly, being in a cash-reduced family, I do not have one to hand to be able to quote them. 

I would imagine that Elizabeth is there, as is Ilay, David Thorburn, Robert Burns, Walter Scott, Mary Slessor et al.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Nov 2012)

*SHOCK NEWS !* 

SBGG may be right after all 

 SBGG for being so forward-thinking !


----------



## n-ick (6 Nov 2012)

Talking of names, word on the street;


SSBGG (aka Cosmo) is David Icke.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2012)

Sadly, Scoosh this means you don't get to beat the SBGG to death.

Shame.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2012)

n-ick said:


> Talking of names, word on the street;
> 
> 
> SSBGG (aka Cosmo) is David Icke.


 
Well I've never seen them together.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Nov 2012)

n-ick said:


> Talking of names, word on the street;
> 
> 
> SSBGG (aka Cosmo) is David Icke.


Not so - it's just that David Ike _thinks_ he is SBGG 



which is much more serious


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2012)

That makes me feel _really _sorry for David Icke.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Nov 2012)

today is a good day, i had a small plate of fish and chips for lunch, with a bit of salad.
a skinny drinking chocolate, i may have a digestive tonight as a treat, my ambitions in life are modest!

if i feel reasonably functional tomorrow i will go out far a ride on my mototrike.


----------



## byegad (7 Nov 2012)

The definition of 'good days' is obviously different in Rawmarsh.

My 'good day would involve exercising the old conjugals, a Formula One race live, a decent steak, bottle of good wine, a ride on my trike and a large win on the lottery.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Nov 2012)

byegad said:


> The definition of 'good days' is obviously different in Rawmarsh.
> 
> My 'good day would involve exercising the old conjugals, a Formula One race live, a decent steak, bottle of good wine, a ride on my trike and a large win on the lottery.


getting out of bed first try, getting dressed without assistance, a well matured beef dripping sandwich* and getting a parking space i can use is like winning the lottery.
Acupan rules !


*to properly mature a beef dripping sandwich, make the sandwich at 6 pm leave in fridge overnight 7am it must be in a snp tin at the bottom of a mine shaft for a full shift, brought back home and consumed with a pint mug of tea you can stand a spoon up in. up the workers.


----------



## byegad (8 Nov 2012)

That explains quite a lot.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Nov 2012)

i fink i dot a dit of cold snnnnnnnuuuuuuuuuththththththththththth.
i still went for a nice ride on the motortrike with two strategically placed cotton wool balls. wrapped up well with a electric vest i had a lovely day.


----------



## byegad (8 Nov 2012)

Don't post on here we don't want a virus!


----------



## n-ick (9 Nov 2012)

*"i still went for a nice ride on the motortrike with two strategically placed cotton wool balls."*

One over each eye ?


----------



## byegad (9 Nov 2012)

No one to pad each brain cell!


----------



## n-ick (9 Nov 2012)

Probably part of the government's energy consumption drive;

There's a light on , but no one's at home.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Nov 2012)

For some reason I have been eating a lot of baked beans this week, with brown source.


----------



## byegad (10 Nov 2012)

What's the sauce of your source?


----------



## n-ick (10 Nov 2012)

Sorcery ?


----------



## byegad (10 Nov 2012)

Sores point!


----------



## n-ick (11 Nov 2012)

Saucy!

Where is the beggar ( I mean bugbear) anyway ?


----------



## byegad (11 Nov 2012)

With luck his baked bean diet has resulted in a catastrophic explosion scattering body parts across Rawmarsh and surrounding areas.


----------



## Scoosh (12 Nov 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> ....wrapped up well with a electric vest i had a lovely day.


Roast breast of SBGG anyone ??


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2012)

No thanks, I've seen what he was fed on.


----------



## Scoosh (12 Nov 2012)

But it will be nice and crispy, being covered with lard ...


----------



## Speicher (12 Nov 2012)

You are all being very unkind to SBGG, so I am going to give him a big


and  and  and will be sended.


----------



## n-ick (12 Nov 2012)

Gosh !
Inadvisable, he'll have you down as chief minion.
He thrives on unkindness and neglect and is not adverse to the Inquisition.

I heard of a fellow who was treated with kindness and woke up to find that he had changed into
a giant insect.


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2012)

Speicher committed social suicide here at 17.22GMT on the 12th of November 2012. RIP Speicher's credibility.


----------



## byegad (14 Nov 2012)

Looks like the dreaded lurgy has finished off the SBGG. Perhaps we should an appropriate period of silence.



OK that's done. Life goes on.


----------



## n-ick (15 Nov 2012)

Oh no ! I'm getting flashbacks, we're going to need more things to snap in half;


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKmJPnAGUJk


----------



## byegad (17 Nov 2012)

I'm thinking someone should go and check the SBGG, break down the door or whatever. No sign, sight or, thankfully smell of him for days.


----------



## n-ick (18 Nov 2012)

The beggar's hibernated to avoid paying out at Christmas.


----------



## byegad (18 Nov 2012)

Hah! Mystery solved. 'Wise Yorkshireman pretends to be dead in order to save money.'

I can see the Yorkshire Post's headline now. Next year there will be nobody stirring from late November until early January in the entire (God's own.) county.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Nov 2012)

i as been a bit off it.
The Rheumatology department have summoned me, they are experimenting on me.
daddy always said it would happen one day.

I dont do xmas bbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar humbug, it is for gentiles, all that spending on the credit cards makes my teeth itch.


----------



## n-ick (21 Nov 2012)

Superb, we are all looking forward to the results of the experiments.

Shame about Christmas, although we have great plans for Easter involving 2large lengths of timber and a bag of rusty snails.


----------



## byegad (22 Nov 2012)

After the last experiments perhaps a new scientist with a certificate of sanity would be a good start.


----------



## n-ick (23 Nov 2012)

I heard that the mirror is now talking back to him
(backwards).

It'll all end in tears, I can see the court in session and a large sack for compo. We'll be going down for deformation, inflamation , derision and probably double vision.

My attorney;
Spud has been reading "Teach yourself Law" and "Self Defence" and has a fully paid for Certificate of Law from Ohio and a black belt. He's also got a wig from Monsoon, which he has craftily cut , bleached and permed to judicial shape.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Nov 2012)

I'm sure the mirror will have more understanding than do we ...


----------



## byegad (23 Nov 2012)

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who's the most deluded of us all?


----------



## n-ick (24 Nov 2012)

We're going to get summonsed or even summanded. There's a whiff of compo in the air.
I blame whoever showed him how a talking mirror works,


----------



## byegad (24 Nov 2012)

I've just dusted off the forms for compulsory detention in an asylum. They have the SBGG's name printed on. You can get your supply direct from HMG. Just ask for the Rawmarsh version of form I.D.I.O.T.1.*

*Intention to Detain Inpatient Order for Treatment 1.


----------



## n-ick (25 Nov 2012)

Can I attach the wires ?


----------



## byegad (25 Nov 2012)

Only if it's to the 400kV supply. My younger son is working on the pylons so he can get you within reach.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2012)

semi professional tent pole holders, have automatic access to legal representation via the union "up the workers".
tomorrow i will be at the graduation of my lumpy jumper mini me, she got honers! and a full scholarship to become a barrister, she dose keep asking me odd questions about the byegad estate and my printer is on its knees with all the pages of the recovery she has been printing.

i did point out she was not using the requisite amount of lard in the thing but kids never take any notice.
she is very dedicated doing home work on competency hearing case law and it is not even on this years study list.

as part of the experementation there will be "_manual manipulation _" the las one that had a go turned out to not be a doctor he just wondered in to Rotherhan gen and started operating on people, i thought the taxi badge and the fact he brought his packed lunch in and put on the end of the table so he could have a quick nibble while on the job might have given the game away.

i have lots of new pills today weeeeeeeeeee, though the dog did point out that some of them may have side affects, he must have been reading the leaflet in the bin when he was going through it last night looking for scraps, it must be important as he has never felt the urge to talk before!
but he says dont take any notice of next doors cat as it needs reading glasses and gets confused with grams and milligrams.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2012)

i am a keen armature radio operator and have been chatting with some very nice chaps in chernyshevskogo Russia on the boarder with the Ukraine on my low power Morse code radio.

being a professional Yorkshire man i like to use this mode as 1 it is cheep, 2 it keeps my brain active, 3 it is cheep, 4 and it is interesting what you can do with 5 watts of power.
when i go over there next year on my motor trike Yury says he will have some new pills for me to try, we cant get them over here, yury lost an ear in a hunting accident some years ago and said he never felt a thing so they must be good.
mine will be free as a thank you for dropping off some equipment and parcels at his friends place on the way back home.

the family are looking after me up for a week or two while i tour around that part of the world and taking me hunting he says i can borrow one of his kalashnikovs he has lots.


----------



## n-ick (26 Nov 2012)

Going,
Going,
Gone.


----------



## byegad (26 Nov 2012)

The Byegad Estate is tax free by grant of King William the First for services rendered in the field. He was short of something to wipe his bottom on and Sir Byegadde de Lisieux gave him a Saxon peasant, freshly killed, for the purpose.

A rough translation of his comment was something along the lines of 'That was a great kindness you did me. Once we've killed the rest of these Saxon dogs and I'm king I'm minded to grant you a small boon.' My wily ancestor, already imbued with the legendary Byegad family trait of utter thrift immediately asked for freedom from taxation for himself and his ancestors and a decent slice of the county of his choice. The rest is as you say History and we still have an Edward I groat stolen by Sir Byegadde from that peasant, who no doubt stole it from one of his betters.

HMRC officials have been known to explode once the original document, drawn up in Norman French and smeared with what the family insist is blood from the dead Saxon, but may possibly be another substance altogether, with connections to William himself!


----------



## byegad (28 Nov 2012)

Looks like the Russian Mafia have found another mug. He's importing a nice BMW Trike and some drugs for them and all they need is a 'hunting accident' to make it all theirs.

There's one born every minute!


----------



## n-ick (29 Nov 2012)

I don't think that 2 brain cells are sufficient for espionage.
Could be a conflict of neurons if he became a double agent.


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2012)

Your estimate is 100% higher than mine


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Nov 2012)

byegad said:


> Looks like the Russian Mafia have found another mug. He's importing a nice BMW Trike and some drugs for them and all they need is a 'hunting accident' to make it all theirs.
> 
> There's one born every minute!


there is no such thing as the Russian Mafia! i asked Yury this morning, he wanted your full address, description / photograph, so he could put your mind at rest personally when he is over next.

he has a very fetching nice who would like a lift back with me, she dose not speak very good English * he must have a large family he is alway surrounded by lovely young women in all the photograph i have seen.

*nether do i!


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2012)

Thanks for the warning the gamekeepers at Byegad Towers have been carrying UZI 9mm machine pistols for years, so no worries. If anything it'll sharpen their reactions. Then there's the Ha! Ha! and the minefields.
He has a very fetching nice what?


----------



## n-ick (29 Nov 2012)

Lost in translation, probably a mice.


----------



## byegad (30 Nov 2012)

Nice mice? Do they eat rice? That would be nice and my niece would love that.


----------



## n-ick (1 Dec 2012)

We've nearly completed his Christmas present.
I've got the clock, the wires and the battery.


Spud's had a few goes at Semtex..............although he is *RECOVERING* after the last incident.


----------



## byegad (1 Dec 2012)

No need for Semtex. Give the SBGG the recipe for Nitroglycerine and stand (WELL) back. If he takes out Rawmarsh he may well do as much as £3.27 damage, but it's a risk we'll take.


----------



## n-ick (2 Dec 2012)

no problem. I've shown the Spud how to count up to 6 on his remaining fingres.

I think it's very silly giving SG the recipe, it's not hot enough outside for the product to become unstable.


We've got a stunning festive lght display planned with " the chosen one" well and truly illuminated.


----------



## byegad (2 Dec 2012)

I went to school with a potential boffin who made some stuff* at home. The local paper had pictures of his front room window in the garden. He'd left it 'cooking' in the front room while he went for tea. It worked!

*Nitro'.


----------



## byegad (3 Dec 2012)

Having received a delegation from representatives of the People's Republic of West Yorkshire, (A strange time to visit 4am!) I wish to revise my estimate of the likely damage to Rawmarsh should the SBGG be persuaded to manufacture the 4000 tonnes of Nitroglycerine his new recipe book says is the minimum 'safe' quantity to brew up.

I'm advised that the cost previously given of £3.27 applies to Rawmarsh, with the exception of the People's Hall, the official residence of the President (For at least life.) of the People's Republic. Should tragedy strike and the People's Hall be destroyed the total cost should be revised up from £3.27 to £100 000 003.27. This is based on the certified insurance replacement value as printed on the President's house insurance policy for 32 Livingstone Drive Rawmarsh, aka The People's Hall of the President of the Republic of West Yorkshire.

Please note this does not cover the owed rent of £7,248,765.90 on 32 Livingstone Drive, being the rent due since Time Immemorial by the Scargill family. President Scargill denies any connection between the sum assured on his hall hovel and the owed rent.

I am pleased to correct this for the People's Republic and kindly ask if they'll remove the three Tank Regiments from the front lawn of Byegad Towers, the diesel fumes from the clapped out T55Ms T80Us, generously donated by the USSR in the late 80s in thanks for services to the Soviet Union, that represent the military wing of the NUM are causing Lady Byegad to cough.


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2012)

Now the front lawn is clear, except for some nasty looking churned up grass. Parhaps we will hear from the SBGG or his Russian friends who are definitely not the Russian Mafia regarding his elf.


----------



## Speicher (5 Dec 2012)

Rumour has it that Byegad has recently lost a sum of money in the region of £28. I really think he should be more careful about where he leaves his wallet.


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2012)

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Thud!


----------



## Lady Byegad (5 Dec 2012)

We are not amused!

Thirty servants are dead and Lord Byegad is locked in the West Wing with all of his wallets and has Smithers holding the abacus while he verifies the fact that no money has been lost, or for that matter spent by the family since 1873. The bounder who alleged the loss will receive a stiff letter from Messrs Hadaway and Shitte the family solicitors and will be sued into pecuniary. That or the Main Estate's Gamekeeper Battalion Machine Gun Corps will be deployed.

Heads will roll!


----------



## byegad (5 Dec 2012)

Well Speicher is for the high jump, not only is £28 not missing from my wallet, but while shaking down the servants and peasants we found a French 10 franc piece and 73p in loose change.


----------



## Speicher (5 Dec 2012)

I do not think I can outrun the Batty Lion of MacHenery Gum Cor.

Perchance I was mistook in the unit of poundage. Has his Lord Shipment Highness of Byegad Towers been consuming a lesser amount of calorifick edibles? 'Appenchance that is the poundage to which the roomer made referment.


----------



## byegad (6 Dec 2012)

No good running Speicher. They left at 3am and will be on your doorstep by now. Put your hands on your head and come out of the front door slowly.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Dec 2012)

"President Scargill denies any connection between the sum assured on his hall hovel and the owed rent."
Up the workers

All haile the president, non believers are not permitted to use his given name it is sacrelige, when we have a free and independent state of Yorkshire the non believers will be the first against the wall, I have a list you know.

Good news - <sound of dramatic music with lots of violins> I have a partial diagnosis,.......





My brain is wired up a bit wrong, shoking news I know, apparently most sensory input to my brain registers as pain! There is a treatment.
Some pils that chaing the brain cemestry, I am being weand on to them over the next month as they can send you a bit odd.
I hope this works as the next step involves drilling holes in my head and inserting electrodes and burning bit of brain, other bits take over for the burnt bits!

If I don't type Brighton lard munch it's the hamster gromit gurrrrr guuuung guuuung hinnnnnngggg.
Testing and experimentation continue, a genetic condition is suspected which is being tested for lard.


The Russians are coming, the last time we met up was at germish patonkerton they brought lots of home made vodka, from the tast of it, it was brought across in there petrol tank.

The monks from Nepal * how help with my cousin have discovered hp brown source, they put it on every thing including cornflakes. 
Unruffled hamper stirrup grrrrrrrrrrrttttt ing, further updates to fur pill .

*it is a long story, but the roily family of Nepal have a honer dept to my uncle! His son is disabled and they send over a team of monks twice a year to look after him so they can go to Australia and visit family.
We have long filisofical chats re the path to enlightenment, apparently the monastery pray for me daly and 500 prayer flags have been deeploid in my name.
We have been building a prayer wheel, it is a long and interesting process.


Privet army's are allowed to operate as long as they swear allegiance to the sovereign and can be conscripted to the protection of The realm.

I did help make a large batch of gunpowder for the smooth bough shooting club, all done the proper way using wee wee and barrels rotated by hand full of ball bearings.
It was all documented and filmed for posterity as part of a documentary on the development of guns.

Now the electrodes have been removed and the probe retracted from ........ Well I will not say where.
I will be able string fit hump ingle.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2012)

Seems the pills are working well, but what explanation is he going to come up with from everything up to 1st of December 2012? There are several decades worth of eccentricity* to make excuses for unless that's going to blamed on his jeans**.

* OK plain oddness!
** This isn't a mistake a la SBGG.


----------



## n-ick (8 Dec 2012)

Gone,going, going,going, definitely gone.

Worth the price of electricity.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2012)

What are we going to do now Nick?

We set out to drive him mad and short of permanent institutional confinement what else can we achieve?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Dec 2012)

If I have typed it once I have typed it at least three times I am the only sane person in the world, I have it on my tea mug at work so it must be true.

Lard! The brain cemetery experiment is like going on holiday for a bit I will expire acne what tit is like for all you loons and oddballs.
There is a felling of disconnected ness I am finding disconcerting how do I know what my foot is up to if there is no pain letting me know? I have to keep looking at my bits and bobs to see if they have wondered off!
Sedgwick knows, ithishisboxwherethepillbunnylives up the lard.

I was contemplating the slightly blue off white belly button fluff I had just revived this morning when it Came to me! I had been asleep for five hours.
This is disappointing as sleep deprivation induced hallucinations are one of the few pleasures I have. Workers

The tests should be back shortly so I will let you know just how much of a super being I am. <theme song to the tune of doc savage man of bronze> "the sun bronzed recumbent it's rushing along with his cheery thighs and lustres chesticles brings delight to alllllllllllll"
The full 2789 verse masterpiece can be down loaded from iTunes next week I am predicting a hit.

Bags of belly button fluff are also available from the online shop, soft and fluffy it can be spun in to yarn fro knitting.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2012)

NURSE!

He's gibbering again. More power, zap him with 10 times the recommended voltage and shout frying tonight.


----------



## n-ick (8 Dec 2012)

Longbow looks favourite at the moment.Great range, will go straight through anything fleshy .
Additional benefits being either a poison tip or flames.
Could wrap the arrow with tinsel for that festive look.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2012)

I'm thinking small nuclear warhead cruise missile and make damn sure we get him.


----------



## byegad (8 Dec 2012)

Yes there would be some collateral damage but if GW Bush and A Blair can get away with it....


----------



## n-ick (9 Dec 2012)

He could be classed as a WMD. 
(Wheelie Mad Demigod )


----------



## byegad (9 Dec 2012)

That's it!The excuse reason we were waiting for.

The Yorkshire Space Programme's entire effort* and huge budget** is being ploughed into mounting our smallest Nuclear warhead onto a smaller rocket so we don't over shoot Rawmash from the launch site situated in Northallerton Dairies'*** car park. We don't want to waste the gunpowder on a rocket which doesn't have to reach London, our normal target for the deterrent****.

*As soon as the pubs shut!
**Well when I say budget I mean someone else's money.
*** Handy for the milk bottle needed for a successful launch.
****Colloquially known as the Eeh! Bah! Bang! The weapons are mounted on dummy trailers of Tetley's Best Bitter and towed around the roads of Yorkshire so that the dreaded S.O.U.T.H.E.R.N. S.O.F.T.I.E.S's***** Parking Wardens can't wheel clamp them.
******Southern Occupation Uncaring Territorial Horrible Entirely Rotten Nutters. Subjugation Of Feral Type Indigenous English Swine


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Dec 2012)

Just woke up, sat down for a rest after a srenuas trip to the kettell for the people who have servants it is the make water hotter thing.
It is not as easy as it sounds, if not concentrating I tend to walk in tight small circles with having one leg shorter, the vertigo kicks in now and again so I have to Holland on to the side bord to stop me falling of the earth.
Like what bygad dose when he has been testing the falling down water to make Serbian it has not gone off.
The next moment the clock had jumped forward an my shirt was covered in drool.
Nice word drool ....... Reminds me of the chaps that paint lines on the road.

I am having problems receiving the backwards talking polish radio station I used to listen to at night, I found it very soothing.
They must have changed senagall at the transmitter as I can't get a good signal on my fillings now.

I will have to pull the cable in through the window from my ham radio station and rest the end on my teeth tonight when I go to bed I might pick it up again.


----------



## byegad (10 Dec 2012)

That feels better!


----------



## n-ick (11 Dec 2012)

We need a whipper inner or upper.
Boxing hunts are kicking off soon, could be some sport chasing the monopod with hownds.


----------



## byegad (11 Dec 2012)

Too quick. They'll have him before he gets three yards from the sack.* Perhaps we could hunt him with tortoises? They would give us a good day's hunting while still be sure to catch him eventually.

*That's a trick the local hunt used to get up to, to save looking for a fox, they trapped a few and kept them in sacks. Then they released them one at a time once they were away from the roads. I know because a friend used to ride and gave hunting a go because all of her horsey friends told her 'what fun' hunting was. She didn't go again! For all anyone knows they are still doing it. Either that or they were all telling porkies when they said a ban on hunting foxes would lead to rural disaster. They still meet!


----------



## n-ick (11 Dec 2012)

Though we could release him several hundred miles away dressed as an helf.


----------



## byegad (11 Dec 2012)

And put a Safe key around his neck then we have fulfilled out Helf & Safkey obligations!


----------



## byegad (11 Dec 2012)

I'll get my coat.....


----------



## Moby (11 Dec 2012)

Hi all

I've read the last several pages of this epic and it's prompted me to ask, what has this got to do with recumbents & hpv's ? Perhaps it would be better placed elsewhere ?

Regards


----------



## Scoosh (11 Dec 2012)




----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

Moby said:


> Hi all
> 
> I've read the last several pages of this epic and it's prompted me to ask, what has this got to do with recumbents & hpv's ? Perhaps it would be better placed elsewhere ?
> 
> Regards


 
The Sun Bronzed Geek God rides a couple of recumbents and had an accident and broke his leg. We started to pester him back in the dim and distant about his recovery. Nick rides a recumbent I ride recumbents and several of the other posters ride them too.

The rest of the posse, we picked up on the way.

There's only one real requirement needed to participate. You need to be as mad as a box of frogs. Don't worry if this doesn't apply to you, yet... stay long enough and you'll qualify. For instance, Speicher, an innocent young Mädchen appeared one day and now has her own brain-care specialist.

Lord Byegad. Yorkshire's Cultural Ambassador to the frozen North.


----------



## Scoosh (12 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> Lord Byegad. Yorkshire's Cultural Ambassador to the frozen North.


Frozen north ? ? 
D'ye no ken whaur is north ? -12* in the Hielans the nicht. 

Southern softies ...  <kicks tin can>


<breaks foot as can is frozen solid and stuck to ground>


----------



## n-ick (12 Dec 2012)

Eeeee'up tha's no place as hard, cold and grim as here in t' Middle Earth. Many folk here are afraid to cross bridges, road kill often includes beasts with 4 legs and feathers and one chap who was kind to his wife woke up to find himself turned into a giant insect.
We even turn off our deep freeze in winter.

Worse than that is that we
Are within range of SSGG.....we even went on one of his trike rides.....Ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
My new year resolution is to kill him with kindness.


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

n-ick said:


> My new year resolution is to kill him with kindness.


 
FTFY Nick.


----------



## Speicher (12 Dec 2012)

My new year resolution is to make sure SBGG has plenty of pies and cakes. We will also be planning our long-delayed holiday in the Maldives.


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

Speicher said:


> My new year resolution is to make sure SBGG has plenty of pies and cakes. We will also be planning our long-delayed holiday in the Maldives.


 
This is no problem so long as you promise to leave him there. That way the rise in sea levels will ensure Nicks wish comes true as well.


----------



## Speicher (12 Dec 2012)

While we are there we could build a house boat.  Simples!

Or wood a boat house be betterer?


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

So long as you make him sleep in the basement.

Anywho, have you thought of the social implications of being seen as the SBGG's keeper. Right thinking people will shun you.


----------



## n-ick (12 Dec 2012)

I've seen lots of folk dressed up as pandas.It seems to be quite the thing in China and zoos everywhere. 

This could be just the job: monopedal cycling panda with attitude prone to anarchy and paranoia.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Dec 2012)

I have come up withy retirement plan!
So it is a secret ok! Don't tel envy one or they may nick it and become rich and snobby and not eat dripping and lemon curd sand widgets any mooodle


Ok, so people are frightened of being dragged off by mice n ants and stuff....... Well I have invented a shirt /pj top that you leave the coat hanger in when you put it on, when dragged off by a monstrous mouse you will wedge in a gap as the coat hanger is stif and not flabby like your shoulders when your cries for help are eventually answered there is the hook to put the rope around to pull you out with.


Good news ........<sound of one old type righter clunking away>
I am on the second stage of the brain pils and alllll s wel l. L 

Some vertigo and a treble urge to laugh at inappropriate time but other than that I am golden well bronzed anyway.

A rather cold week of riding with the usual fun and games going up some of the ice covered hills, not as much fun as the up ring had coming down the hill just after I shouted look out it is bad down there. 
I did stop and watch him climbing out of the hedge before I sad told thee it was iffy, I think it is the chap who shouted get a proper bike the other week.
Self satisfied smugness is wonderful for worming you up on a frosty ride home.


The black monster omfg trike is in for service and new mudguards and a rather annoying squeak on the rear suspension, I need a bit of ballast on the back preferably hanging upside down off the back to locate the noise, the field out back has just been turned over so rough bouncing and hand brake turns should show up the problem, please attach your cv if interested in the position of upside down squeaky thingy finding operative.

I have already toyed liberty applying lard but the dogs keep liking it off.


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

Please Speicher, take him anywhere without internet access, please, pretty please!


----------



## Moby (12 Dec 2012)

Fair enough explaination - enjoy, you 'crazy box of frogs'

Regards.


----------



## byegad (12 Dec 2012)

The force is weak in this one!


He may be sane, careful what you say chaps, and chapesses.


----------



## n-ick (13 Dec 2012)

I think the force has flowed out of this one long ago.

*"Self satisfied smugness is wonderful for worming you up on a frosty ride home."*
Suppose we should get him wormed before Crufts. How he won the agility trials escapes me.Amusing when his crutch got stuck up a tunnel though.

*"He may be sane, careful what you say chaps, and chapesses". *
There's no way in the Universe this may be true. I've had more sense from a box of frogs and my neighbour who left his Chrimbo decs up too long.
One morning he woke up to find himself turned into a giant insect.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2012)

I heard your road was a locust of weirdness.


----------



## n-ick (13 Dec 2012)

Pest place to live.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2012)

Ant there's another one!


----------



## Speicher (13 Dec 2012)

I spied a fly.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2012)

'Bee sensible now', he said waspishly, 'hornet a stinging punishment. Your BeeHiveiour needs improving.'


----------



## Speicher (13 Dec 2012)

There is no need to be arrogant, you pedant.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2012)

I'm Anti-pedanttree.


----------



## Speicher (13 Dec 2012)

Do you know anyone who is ant-idisestablishmentaryanism?


----------



## Speicher (13 Dec 2012)

How much does a lant earn?


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2012)

'Bout 30 bob a week.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2012)

£245 a week if it is doing 37hours.


This is a union rate. Up the workers!


Look up fibromyalgia bye gum it's good to know I can now add this to the list of things I have.
When do I shout bingo? For a full house?
Just waiting the results of the muscular dystrophy tests, my dear old daddy had this.


I think resurch and dveleopment of the shirt that won't let you get dragged of by mice n spiders and stuff may have hit a snag, I thought of an improvement about 4 am this morning Velcro! I leapt..... Well became vertical eventuly and hurrying .... Ok limping into my number one lads room after a bit of reluctance he was full on bourd with the theory and the sowing of Velcro on to pj happened, I am now typing this in bed on my iPad, the slight hitch is I need some one to help me up as we might have over done it with the amount of Velcro...


Ha ha I just had a thought I can un button my pj and slip out peas avert your brain as I will be in the buff for the next bit..

A bit chilly but triumphant onece again brain over a fully functioning body.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2012)

Aaaaaarg the byegad is online.

Shshshshshshsh shurup shurup.


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2012)

Too late the men in white coats have been alerted.


----------



## n-ick (14 Dec 2012)

Cold turkey for Xmas 
( first thing they do is stop the meds, so I'm told ).


He'll be going crackers.


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2012)

n-ick said:


> Cold turkey for Xmas
> ( first thing they do is stop the meds, so I'm told ).
> 
> 
> He'll be is going crackers.


 
FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Dec 2012)

I have twiddled a bit with my vertical arial and found a bad connection this has been fixed and ground plains added, this is for the higher frequency bands on HF, this gives me a lower angle of radiation for around the world communication when conditions allow.

I can get my message to parts of the world that don't have Internet of phone servic, intact a coil of wire and a crystal you can hear me. 
For the non SBGG speakers I can use morse code as this is a universal language.

I am lacing a minion to put up some aerials as I want to use a beem, so can select one regan at a time. 

The black beast has drive shaft issues again, it is being up graded again, I am also looking in to twin blowers that should increas the BHP from 95 to 140.
I had a hanging of the back looking for the squeak operative with me, he was returned slightly wobbly but in fine fettle. 

The brain pils increas on Wednesday so I might be a bit out of it in the evening.


----------



## n-ick (16 Dec 2012)

"The brain pils increas on Wednesday so I might be a bit out of it in the evening."

Wow, news that the Empire has been awaiting.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

It is an anti epilepsy drug they are giving me they normally give them 300mg a day, it was discovered that people like me benefited from this drug but had to take 1800mg a day.

So it takes a long time to get to that amount as it is effecting brain cemetery, vertigo is the worst side affect I am having but that might settle down, might, should and possibly are used a lot when discussing treatment.

I passed on the suggestion re electro shock therapy, I can not put the response on as some of the words I don't know what they mean and they might have been Swedish.
He was mumbling about who needs enemy's mumble mumble! The list of people wanting to make appointment to call on the incumbents of bygad towers grows daily.

The Russians have been in contact again they want every one to send them there full name address date of birth and national insurance number ASAP as you have all won in a prize draw and they need the info to process the money transfers. 
Gosh how lucky can you get every one I have mentioned to them has won a prize!

Ok Pill time the the land of green mushrooms and inside out hamsters not nice but quiet indearing In a creepy sot of way.


----------



## n-ick (17 Dec 2012)

It's either time to change the meds, up the voltage or take a reality check.

Tha'd make a serviceable scarecrow in the spring.


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2012)

Sadly reality left the room tens of pages ago. Now he's in the land of Cloud Cuckoo.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

Thank you for reminding me it is not far off, the annual swap your clothes with a scare crow time!
Being a dedicated Yorkshire man and following the footsteps of my dear farther who never opened hs purse without the traditional preamble grumble, prayer.
It is the time of year we migrate to less thrifty parts of the out side world, we find expensive and serviceable clothing on scare crows and swop them for old warn out and probably third generation hand me down clothing.

Some times museum curators can be seen re swapping the clothing in the hopes we go back and swap again.

We then parade the new clothing to the rest of the villigers on Whitsunday, giving us an opertunity to air it out.

Did we have an earth quake last night I remember waking up and having to hold on to the bed so it did not throw me off, a bit like being very drunk but with out the fun bit first!

They are going to start gas extraction again so it might becom a common event, gosh free roller coaster rides in the comfort of your bed, whoop whoop lets hear it for the gas extractors, and the price will come down to next to nothing, like when they built the nuclear power stations and petrol when they started drilling in the North Sea.

When the odd sink hole appears we can fill it up with all the rubbish the bin men will no longer take, every one is a whiner, see I am being optermistck already and only taking two brain pills a day, what will it be like on six.
We should give all the politicians brain pills, it will make them all happy and nice and they will not want to have wars.

If I rub under the legs of the bed with lard it might move about the room an make it easy for me to sweep under it. 


Invest in lard now!


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

Arrrggg he is online again.
Shuruphewillhearyou.


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2012)

Well that explains your backwards waterproof wearing habit. You are used to fasten up the back jackets, usually with tie down sleeves, and the above proves why this is so. Meanwhile I've called out the Princess Alexandra's Own Green Howard Yeomanry, mobilised the North Riding Tank Corps, the Yorkshire Gun-Coble Fleet and the YAF.*
Let them all come. We will fight them of the coast, in the estuaries, in the cities, towns, villages, hamlets, vales, wolds, dales and moors, we will never surrender!

*Yorkshire Air Force. Know as the Phew, as that's the sound they all make when they get their slightly less than cutting edge* Aircraft back on the ground in mostly one piece. We do however have three Ex-RNAS Sopwith Camels on order, to be delivered if anyone can remember where we buried the Yorkshire Gold Reserve in 1913. Apparently England wanted money for an up-coming fixture against Germany to be played at a neutral venue, Flanders. 

** Sir George Cayley designed and built all of our currently in service heavier than air craft. The oldest dating back to the one flown by his coachman in 1853, updated by a steam engine. This is powered on good Yorkshire coal, although its range is limited by how long the fireman can keep the pressure in the boiler up, rather than the amount of coal carried.


----------



## jayjay (17 Dec 2012)

Somebody get that man a balun, before he starts beaming stuff off into outer space.


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2012)

The Yorkshire Space Programme is on hold until Spud mixes some more gunpowder. We are looking at a 5 stage rocket;
Stage 1.
Earth to Low orbit in 35 seconds. We anticipate this will render the SBGG unconscious for a period of several minutes.
Stage 2.
Linked to a motion sensor so it will fire off as soon as the victim SBGG wakes up. This fires for a further 72 seconds inserting the wheelchair capsule into Geo-Stationary orbit above York.
Stage 3.
This is designed to fire straight down, reaching a speed of absolutely terrifying, or possible bleeding terrifying!
Stage 4.
Spins the SBGG up to 1000rpm.
Stage 5.
This is the big one, at a altitude of 53miles above York the main charge detonates and all of Yorkshire gets a spectacular display of body parts and star bursts along with titanium burning up in the atmosphere. As the SBGG will be in the atmosphere for several seconds before the detonation we may be able to hear his screams, with any luck!

So we await Spud's improved gunpowder formula, a clear night and someone providing a really big milk bottle. Nick will use his ultra high powered telescope and camera to record the event for posterity and the job's a good un!


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

jayjay said:


> Somebody get that man a balun, before he starts beaming stuff off into outer space.


We will have non of that sort of language in this thread coax coil was good enough for my dad it's good enough for me, the main arial* has some of that new fangled 450 Ohm's line, the home made 633**Ohm's line became iretrivably entangled in the frisbee dog number one son insedent of October 15th. 
Balanced AMU supermatch, balun, BALUN! What next SSB " it will never catch on you know they have to use three bobs worth of electric to have a quick chat to some one in the next town".

I am now dipping my ikle pinky in the posh world of FM 70mhz with shop bought radios*** I will have to do exorcisms after every time I use it voices coming out of boxes it's not natural I tell theeeeeeeeey

Up the workers, Scargill for emperor!

*not being a colonial I insist on using it proper name.
**i made it 650 to start with but as a number I thought it was a bit rotund so slimed it down a bit to a shaply 633.
*** before byegad informs the Yorkshire walet inquisition monks, they have all been rescued from a skip and cost nufin.


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2012)

This will be investigated! Sounds sort of spyish to me. Talking to people from outside Yorkshire indeed. The man is mad!


----------



## Scoosh (17 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> The man is mad!


Which one would that be ???


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2012)

Just because I'm the Ambassador to the Frozen North, don't think you can get clever. How do you fancy a guest for Xmas. We can ship him up there by Wednesday to stay free of charge with you.....forever.


----------



## n-ick (17 Dec 2012)

Whhhhoooaaaa..... Lots of stuff gets lost in the post, or forcefully opened and dosh removed. Sometimes stuff just gets put in lockers and weighted down chests under water. I heard some stuff is never found, like odd socks.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

Talking to people out side Yorkshire is allowed as long as it is made clear they are getting no money for it, they will in no way cheer us up, we are happy it's just not polite to go around shoving it in everyone face like smiling.



Scoosh said:


> Which one would that be ???



That is obvious frank chapel! He has always been a bit odd, it was seeing something nasty in the wood shed that did for him, he goes on fori holidays and I did hear in the veg shop last week he has an.......... Over draft at the bank!
Can you imagin living on borrowed brass! And you should see the state of there front step.


----------



## Scoosh (17 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> a guest for Xmas. We can ship him up there by Wednesday to stay free of charge with you.....forever.


A guest - how nice  at this season of goodwill to all men ... 

Staying free of charge ?? 

errr ... errrmmm ...  we do have a house full  , not really able to take a guest and keep them in the manner to which they would be accustomed we would like them to be accustomed.

Do the shipping people keep their packages for a few days until delivery can be arranged (or return undeliverable/unwanted packages) ??? 

Just asking, like ...


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

On my ride today while heading in an easterly direction along the highway known as elsica road , I approached from the rear two young lady's astride horses.
Treating yon lumpy jumpers, with my customers "what they like with bikes love?" A dity gret jag come steaming up from behind, just as I was pulling reit over to other side of road to give dog meat on the hoof plenty of room.
Yes you guessed it the jag driver on seeing day light bangs his foot flat to the floor vroooooooom in between me and the hoses mind he did have a good 3" of clearance at each side, one hos goes straight up int air tother starts a tango all over road.
I did report this reg number ect to plod........ You know I could have saved my self 10p, total and utter lack of interest verging on merriment.

poor lass was shook up bad and her face was leaking and I wish I could have put her friend in the same room as this twit with a riding crop in her hand for a bit, five foot of pure anger and a giner. 
Mention of hobnail boots and bits and bobs was made...... Gosh.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Dec 2012)

Am I going on holiday? My lad has packed a case for me, I think it is to some where forin he keeps mentioning a old aero plain but why would my third harmonic know if the crate is ready ?


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2012)

n-ick said:


> Whhhhoooaaaa..... Lots of stuff gets lost in the post, or forcefully opened and dosh removed. Sometimes stuff just gets put in lockers and weighted down chests under water. I heard some stuff is never found, like odd socks.


Sounds like win/win.


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> Am I going on holiday? My lad has packed a case for me, I think it is to some where forin he keeps mentioning a old aero plain but why would my third harmonic know if the crate is ready ?


 
Yes you're off to bonny Scotland, home of open handed generosity*, free whisky, haggis, and battered chocolate bars. Pack your best skirt and a hairy pullover. Scoosh kindly volunteered to pay C.O.D. on the packing case.

*Compared to Yorkshire that is.

Unless Spud's new batch of gunpowder is ready first, in which case you need to be ready for a shorter and more spectacular trip. Take a video camera and we** will get £250 from Harry Hill too.

**The Ambassadorial 'we', that is!


----------



## Scoosh (18 Dec 2012)

We have arranged a wonderful choice of rooms for our esteemed guest, with all mod cons 

Please let us know which would be your favourite and, as it is the season of good will to all man- and SBGG-kind, we might even permit a change of rooms during your stay ... if you stay that long 

We await your arrival with great excitement, as the hounds are getting very hungry.


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2012)

Deep fried SBGG, a new Scottish delicacy!


----------



## n-ick (18 Dec 2012)

With any luck they'll be bars on the windows and visiting hours.
Best throw the key away.


----------



## byegad (18 Dec 2012)

Fingers crossed. This will get me another title. Perhaps Saviour Of Yorkshire's Sanity, or is that too saucy?


----------



## n-ick (18 Dec 2012)

Count of Monte Rawmarsh, tunnelled his way next door, thrown in the cut to re-emerge as wait for it!,






A giant insect.


----------



## byegad (19 Dec 2012)

Well by now the SBGG should be winging on his way from Rawmarsh to North of the Border. If we are very lucky and Scoosh is unbelievably lucky he'll be lost in the post for a month or two. If he is maybe he can read the Specialist's report written after my scan because after ten years it still hasn't turned up!


----------



## Moby (19 Dec 2012)

n-ick said:


> I think the force has flowed out of this one long ago.
> 
> *"Self satisfied smugness is wonderful for worming you up on a frosty ride home."*
> Suppose we should get him wormed before Crufts. How he won the agility trials escapes me.Amusing when his crutch got stuck up a tunnel though.
> ...


I'd assumed I had asked a reasonable question - obviously not !


----------



## byegad (20 Dec 2012)

First congratulations on being the first on our eleventy first page.

Second.

Sadly a sensible question is much more likely to get an insensible answer on this thread, which started when earnest enquiries after the physical health of the Sun Bronzed Geek God, his words not ours, were made. Sadly it became all too evident that his physical problems, of which there are several, are as nothing compared to his mental issues. It doesn't help that many other contributions from the SBGG appear to suggest other issues that a good research psychologist could investigate to the tune of a PhD or Nobel Prize! It also appears that the insanity is contagious and only I am immune.


----------



## n-ick (20 Dec 2012)

Looks like "we're going to need a bigger boat".

I note with alarm that her Madge will be doing the Christmas message in 3d , 
I hope that the SBGG doesn't have similar plans to branch out in another dimension.


----------



## byegad (20 Dec 2012)

Well, well, well. I blame DaveC and his mate NickC who declared a drought back in the Spring. It's rained ever since.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Dec 2012)

Dark in it...
I have six and a half bananas* my in built compas tels me we are heading west... Slightly northwest and going over some big hills.
I managed to hide my iPad by shoving it in secret pocket I sew into all my pants to hold my money in.

Ho if I have not mentiond it before er HELP!**




*sneaky so and so used the other half to lure me in to a shiping crate, cunning disguised as a shipping crate. He is a chip of the old block pure genius !
** I would add an extra ! But I think it is course and uncultured to use two and think of the expense, the little Demond's that run around in there might get confused and start having a argument "look you twit you have already put one up, why are you putting another up?","cos he hit the key twice bog face","no he would not have done that it looks daft using two, go put it back". It could end in a strike then where would I be! Well in a crate heading west north west ish.


----------



## byegad (21 Dec 2012)

Damn, Smithers will need to flogged for not finding his money and iPad. Never mind the battery will go flat about the same time he runs out of Oxygen.

Scoosh will need to dig a big hole in the garden and fill it in after dark!


----------



## n-ick (21 Dec 2012)

We're going to need a bigger hole.

I note with alarm that the SSGG is becoming bumbling and incoherent. Thought this was a trait found only in politicians and south landers. He's off hearing the bells and voices again.

Could be carol singers.


----------



## byegad (21 Dec 2012)

I suspect you are the last to notice Nick.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Dec 2012)

Quick scan of the survival kit I have stuffed down my long johns at all times.
Wind up iPad charger/electric shaver, Swiss army knife with all the sharp bits removed* the 3000 Paige book the boys bumper book of survival in the hart of darkist africa, two 30ft roach poles, a Tesco carrier bag 75.4" of string, three buttons, five pounds of Stilton best blue chees, a ten shilling note, my name is and address label to fasten to my lapel, an inflatable ring, tripod, who's who 1926 edition, toe nail clippers clippers blunted, one thingy** , telecom mark iv bakerlight telephone, a box of needles for a gramophone, one jar of gefilter fish, packet of pools with three left.
I have pushed a knot hole out and spotted a notis, believe I am in lankishire aaaaaaarg and Eric help! 
One of my better holidays so far though a tip, banana skins make rubbish toilet paper.




*so it is now a swiss army butter knife, this is not on I have a note from my doctor saying I can carry sharp and pointy things again.
**most people have one in a draw or tool box, a rather interesting small device that has come off something but for the life of you, you know not what.


----------



## n-ick (22 Dec 2012)

"They're coming to take him away, ha ha,
They're coming to take him away,he he".


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2012)

With luck He'll stay in Lancashire so long they'll adopt him.


----------



## Speicher (22 Dec 2012)

markg0vbr said:


> Quick scan of the survival kit I have stuffed down my long johns at all times.
> Wind up iPad charger/electric shaver, Swiss army knife with all the sharp bits removed* the 3000 Paige book the boys bumper book of survival in the hart of darkist africa, two 30ft roach poles, a Tesco carrier bag 75.4" of string, three buttons, five pounds of Stilton best blue chees, a ten shilling note, my name is and address label to fasten to my lapel, an inflatable ring, tripod, who's who 1926 edition, toe nail clippers clippers blunted, *one thingy*** , telecom mark iv bakerlight telephone, a box of needles for a gramophone, one jar of gefilter fish, packet of pools with three left.
> I have pushed a knot hole out and spotted a notis, believe I am in lankishire aaaaaaarg and Eric help!
> One of my better holidays so far though a tip, banana skins make rubbish toilet paper.
> ...


 
The thingy** : is that a somethingy that wearer's of non-lumpy jumpers have, whereas wearer's of lumpy jumper do not have?

In other wordles, a device for the extraction of stones from horse's dooffers.


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2012)

I always thought it was for extracting Boy Scouts from Girl Guides.


----------



## n-ick (23 Dec 2012)

The beggar told me that he was in the Brownshirts.


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2012)

Vor you tommy ze Var is over!


----------



## n-ick (24 Dec 2012)

There's always this festive heartbreaker

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=DKmJPnAGUJk&desktop_uri=/watch?v=DKmJPnAGUJk


----------



## byegad (25 Dec 2012)

Merry Xmas to everyone. I hope the SBGG remembered to pack some Tinsel, a Turkey and a candle*. That way he can cook the turkey and make the packing case look festive.

Remembering he had all kinds of stuff packed into his long johns. The mind boggles as to where he had the candle!


----------



## n-ick (26 Dec 2012)

Let's hope that he's been burning it at both ends !


----------



## Speicher (26 Dec 2012)

You are so 'orrible to SBGG! I am going to send him lots of



and xxxxxx.


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2012)

Nurse!

We have another one here! ^


----------



## n-ick (26 Dec 2012)

Room 101 beckons.


Lord Coe.


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2012)

Piers Morgan, the very definition of countryside*, before the Yanks deport him for speaking in favour of gun control.

* Killing Piers Morgan = Countryside


----------



## byegad (26 Dec 2012)

Margaret Thatcher, but I'd be happy to keep the 'growth'!


----------



## n-ick (27 Dec 2012)

Beware, growths can become terrible things, probably the origin of the SSGG.

Where is the blighter ?


----------



## byegad (27 Dec 2012)

They let her out of hospital.


----------



## byegad (27 Dec 2012)

Oh!

Sorry you meant the SBGG. Hopefully still in the none too tender care of Royal Fail.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Dec 2012)

The penguin of death
Things you need to know
He is strangely attractive because of his enigmatic smile.
He can kill you in any one of 412 different ways.

Up the workers
Because of a clerical error the three different places the old aeroplane / box has been deliverd to , it has been turned away from.
If you stand on your head in a box is it then upside down or are you? Can the speed of nose drips be used as a rough tempritur gage?

Awwww hugs bless.... 
Watch for splinters.


I have started to plan an escape ... Er plan! Using the screw driver pliers and crow bar I have dismantled the mobile phone I had in my pocket and built a 0.000001watt morse code transmitter it should have a range of several feet. Hopefully one of my fellow radio hams will be monitoring the distreass frequency and render assistance.

The box was on a daft tilt last night I had to get out and straighten it up it had just been put on a cardboard box of some Watford castle glasses.

Ho and before I forget ....help! Hang the expense !


----------



## n-ick (27 Dec 2012)

NURSE!!!
Whatever he's on, I don't want any.Especially if it glows in the dark.

Given that spring is on the way, I'm sure that he'd be better off outside away 
From the other inmates and the goldfish bowl.


----------



## byegad (27 Dec 2012)

Looks like Scoosh decide to be wise and refuse delivery. To refuse refuse is a good thing.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Dec 2012)

I believe I have a contact, I will just shout for him to turn his arial around my way.
It is a marginal signal but it Is working.

He is contacting the RAYNET The Radio Amateurs' Emergency Network is the UK's national voluntary communications service provided for the community by licensed radio amateurs.
There ded excited they've never had a real emergency in there history, he is giving them a rig on the mobile to turn on the equipment.
They have got the setup, liner amplifier heat up and net relay network down to three hours, gosh in the early years they would have to get steam up first so they are pushing the envelope a bit now.

A relay message will be sent on 80m as the most reliable ban for the rough terrain we are in, because of the odd behaviour of this frequency the nearest station we can contact will be in the hi land of Scotland.
He is going to relay the message to a chap in Glasgow via 70mhz this will be down linked through the Internet gateway via a server in Silicon Valley to a local 144mhz repeater bill has already phoned frank to nip around to kick on Ian's door* so rescue is imminent 

Retribution will be swift and merciless on the perpetrators of my kid napping, I will eat all the hazelnut swirls out of the tin of roses for a start and may remove the battery's from the remote control, last time they wear watching the same Chanel for a week.

*he is on monitoring duty for the repeater but is getting on a bit and he can some times drift off, his mobility scooter is fully charged and he can be at the police station over the road from hear in a matter of hours with a telegram requesting help.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Dec 2012)

Thumbing a lift, but having a bit of bother.
I have tried showing a bit of shaply leg and smiling a lot as I thumb but people are not stoping, some are even speeding up!

I have a cunning plan I will shove some grass up my jumper making it lumpy that seams to attract attention for some odd reason, it is a shame I have not got a blond wig as well. 
But the long John supply chest has come up trumps* I have a pair of fish net tights I will don them over the long johns as they are a dull Gary** the red fishnets will show up well.

Huermm cough cough. <Falsetto wobble voice> are you going my way <batt long thick lashes, remembering to pout and twirl ends of mustache>. 
All I need now is to modify my hobnail slippers.



*not that kind before you think it.
**i get sewn in to my long johns about September and cut out of them in may so by the end of December they are about mid way along the color index. They are a familytradition and have been passed down for generations.
If you follow the Albert theory of relatives when two objects collide ikle bits of matter are interchanged this means after 30 jenerations inhabiting the same long johns they are probably almost as human as I am and perhaps even sentient.


----------



## byegad (28 Dec 2012)

Picture this dear reader.

A bony leg is picked up in your headlights, you slowly look up, past the rolled up long-johns  to a hairy pullover which has lumps, wisps of grass and a few earthworms sticking out of it. As your gaze travels up you come across a goatee beard and then the full wonder horror of the SBGG's fizog!

Without concious thought your foot plants down hard on the throttle and the car accelerates away leaving you shocked and wondering if that last mince-pie was laced with LSD.


----------



## n-ick (28 Dec 2012)

More satisfying to select reverse letting the hiker hobble towards you then keep accelerating . With correct steering this manoeuvre should achieve satisfying terminal impact , as approved in the "Vovo driver's guide to the highway".


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2012)

Terribly ungenerous young* Sir**!

*When I say young it is not really accurate. More oldish.
** Sorry Cur, pronounced sir.


Edit...

Forgot to mention, I got an honour in the NY list. I'm now ahem!

Lord Byegad of Yorkshire is now Earl Byegad of all the bits Dave C and his cronies doesn't care about. (The north of England from Enfield to the Scottish borders.)

Be assured that I will still insult the plebs, even those not in uniform!


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2012)

Methought it is a tad 'Not On' to mention that one is the recipient of a further Honour, Yer Honour Yerearlship.


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2012)

One needs to inform lesser beings so they get the name on the cheques right for Mr Coutt, ones personal bankers. (They have a vault that makes the one in Harry Potter look modern!) Apart from that the lower classes offer an Earl almost indefinite credit, this should ensure we (The extended family.) spend no money for the next 100 years. After 200 or so years of not spending anything we are beginning to really get the hang of it!




You can all replace your headgear and get off your knees now. Just back slowly away from the computer tugging your forelocks and bowing slightly.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> You can all replace your headgear and get off your knees now. Just back slowly away from the computer tugging your forelocks and bowing slightly.


My 'headgear' is still firmly fixed to my head  and only the lovely Leslie ever removes any of it  (for a very modest sum, I can assure you)

At my age  , getting _off_ my knees is only slightly more hazardous/ difficult/ impossible than getting _onto_ them; my fo'lock has rarely been tugged and I have too few strings left to bow anything - slightly or stockily. 

What is this "the computer" thing of which you write ?  /


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2012)

Oh dear a revolt already. And from North of the Border too!

Expect the Redcoats any time soon.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> Expect the Redcoats any time soon.


  

Well, you've been trying for long enough .... what makes you think the result will be any different this time ??


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2012)

Me'earlship


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2012)

Careful or we won't let you have your independence!


----------



## n-ick (31 Dec 2012)

Happy new year to all our readers and groupies. Here's hoping that we can survive another 12months of inane postings and that the God like monopod puts in an appearance or even a finale.
Hopefully he will standing in queues for us again. We can never forget his efforts at leading a group ride, when stopping at the first junction, I spectalively asked if we were all here , to be asked "how many did we start with?"


----------



## byegad (31 Dec 2012)

Well said Nick.

The SBGG is no doubt underwater in darkest West Yorkshire, IF Royal Mail* manage to get him home for New Year!

*I should be careful what I say, they might find out where I live. With a map and someone to show then the way!


----------



## Scoosh (31 Dec 2012)

byegad said:


> Careful or we won't let you have your independence!


I sincerely hope we are not _that_ daft ! 

Have a *Wonderful 2013*, everyone in this nut-house neck of the CC woods and may all your bits (personal, domestic and cyclical) remain attached where you intend them so to be. 

*GWS SBGG !  *


----------



## byegad (1 Jan 2013)

On a serious note, for once. I know where you are coming from. From a NE English point of view, I'd vote for Scottish independence now. Maybe then Whitehall would find out there were parts of the country North of Watford Gap that are English.


----------



## n-ick (1 Jan 2013)

Tha's have to create an autonomous island state of Rawmarsh , to contain and stop the spread of the SSGG.

We are composing a compendium of the Master's wisdom:
"See how fast I can corner".......followed by man and machine crashing through a hedge.
"Are we there yet?".......followed by "where ?".
"Follow me, only I know the way"........followed by disappearing.
"Trust me, there are no hills"........oh yeh.
"I'm the only sane lard person lard here".


----------



## byegad (2 Jan 2013)

You missed out 'Look at me riding my Q on two wheels.. ARGHHH! Crash.'

This should be followed by raucous laughter and appeals to do it it again, when cameras have been produced.


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2013)

Well, nearly a week after our 'hero' made his last contact we have no news.

Has he starved to death in a box somewhere in Royal Fail land?

Has the escape gone wrong and he's even now hung on the wire of the Swiss/German border having failed to jump said wire on his trike?

Does anyone care???


----------



## Scoosh (3 Jan 2013)

Wha'eva 

Wha'eva 

Yes, of course


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2013)

Ah! He's touched the heart of our Scoosh! Sweet!

Wait until you meet him in the flesh and japanned black screws.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Jan 2013)

*ALERT ! ALERT ! GRAMMAR ERROR ! INCOMPATIBILITY !*



> Scoosh ... ... Sweet


These words are incompatible in the same sentence.


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2013)

Well you were the one who cares about the SBGG!

I repeat...


SWEET! SWEET! SWEET!


----------



## n-ick (3 Jan 2013)

Best if you do see him in the flesh is to go the other way at some speed. Last spotted at the York Show grumbling that folk didn't talk to him.Hmmmmmmmm......................


----------



## Scoosh (3 Jan 2013)

n-ick said:


> Best if you do see him in the flesh is to go the other way at some speed. Last spotted at the York Show grumbling that folk didn't talk to him. Hmmmmmmmm......................


... talking to himself, no doubt - and wondering why nobody else will talk to him .... most people are too polite to barge in on a conversation.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Jan 2013)

byegad said:


> Well you were the one who cares about the SBGG!
> 
> I repeat...
> 
> ...


 - errr-r-r-r-r ...  ...


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2013)

I is purpaldickula again, after a lovely crimbely time.
Brain pils rock, I have almost compleat altomanus sock control, the energie levels of a a Duracell bunny for 3hrs 42mins per day followed by a bought of vertigo that makes Alton towers best roller coster rubbish.

I have turned down any honours offered by Betty, she is an avid sort wave listener and has sent me some radio reception reports in the past via ofcom, normally with red lettering on the front of the envelope.
They have always been complementary saying how well every one picks me up on there tv and in one case a kettle.
But I think it would be seen as favretisome if she gave me a gong.


Totals for Xmas expenditure have been worked out I must have gone to town this year £14.25.

The shock is bone chilling I will have only made a profit of £1683 the not turning up to party's* fee will have to go up next year.
**Eating a free Xmas lunch every day from the 8th of December to the 26th has had an unforeseen side affect I am now down to 13st! 

*for a small payment I guarantee not to turn up to your festive event.
**a bit of googling, office dinners, charity lunches for the infirm ect with all the dogy bags I have brought home we may have to fit the small dog with a skateboard to keep his belly of the floor.


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2013)

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

He's back! Sob..sob...sob....




markg0vbr said:


> Totals for Xmas expenditure have been worked out I must have gone to town this year £14.25.


HE SPENT MONEY! Send him to Lancashire.



markg0vbr said:


> The shock is bone chilling I will have only made a profit of £1683


 
Hang on, he may be redeemable



markg0vbr said:


> **Eating a free Xmas lunch every day from the 8th of December to the 26th has had an unforeseen side affect I am now down to 13st!


 
Looking better! He can stop eating until Easter and save money.



markg0vbr said:


> *for a small payment I guarantee not to turn up to your festive event.


 
This is tempting, maybe we could have a whip round to ensure he stops turning up on here.



markg0vbr said:


> **a bit of googling, office dinners, charity lunches for the infirm ect with all the dogy bags I have brought home we may have to fit the small dog with a skateboard to keep his belly of the floor.


 

How else do you feed a dog? If it can't bring down enough peasants to feed itself let it starve!


----------



## n-ick (4 Jan 2013)

NURSE!
Time to increase the voltage and the meds.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2013)

My lad had his bike nicked at the weekend, it is the top of the rainge rock hopper mountain bike I gave him as I could no longer ride it.
It was nabed from his girlfriends house, he left it around the back under the window, it had a good wire lock on it.
A £1000 bike ! Grgrgrgrgrgr.

He is looking around for a replacement being unemployed* he was looking through the free adds ect, so it will end up being a halfords one by the look of it.



*he dose nufing well some, we'll all the house work, washing, shopping and helping me get about and gardening but that's all lumpy jumper stuf so don't count.


----------



## Speicher (4 Jan 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> My lad had his bike nicked at the weekend, it is the top of the rainge rock hopper mountain bike I gave him as I could no longer ride it.
> It was nabed from his girlfriends house, he left it around the back under the window, it had a good wire lock on it.
> A £1000 bike ! Grgrgrgrgrgr.
> 
> ...


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2013)

Awwwww bless they have a new baby next door so it looks like the 2 and 3 am party's will stop, the 4am z box thingy wwf wrestling game they were fond of playing as we'll.
The heating system was replaced over several weekends starting at 5:30am and finishing around 11:30pm i think they knocked several walls down at the same time by the sound of it.


The down side if a fly farts in my house at any time of the day or night they are pounding on the wall!
I used to go around and ask them to turn it down, they never did.

I was surprised when she squeezed one out as she is that fat, it was impossible to spot the pregnancy.
The conception must have been a task as he is bigger than her, I really don't want to know how it was achieved. 
Scaffolding, ropes and gimp masks must have been involved, they did have a flat bed lorry with a small Crain at the back of the cab.. Mmmm I wonder.

I always liked the story of the red coats spotting a scots man on a hill, charged after him, he flees over the hill and they follow.
after the sound of battle diminished a wounded red coat staggered back over the hill shouting run for it, it's a trap! There's two of them.

Uuuuuuuuup the workers... We all welcome the new cuts and reform to benefits for the impaired.
Low rate mobility for the blind, down grading care allowance ect with the rise in full price and taxi prices rocketing, they will not be able to get out and about as much.
People used to see them and get depressed lowering the governments score on the happy index.

And the electric buggy things should pay road tax and be insuuuuuuuuuredddddd.

Keep em locked up in darkened rooms, keeps em quiet.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2013)

Speicher said:


>


Now he has his girl friend coming over, we should rely point out it is now her responsibility.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jan 2013)

These must be messages from another Universe, or even another dimension. It's that or the leakage of thought from Rawmarsh sanatorium.


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2013)

My brain hurts. He is getting stranger by the second.


----------



## n-ick (6 Jan 2013)

Mine's going flip flop, thought your post read "strangle".


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2013)

Sorry Nick!

My brain hurts. He is getting strangle by the second.


FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jan 2013)

Good morning all, just gotten up after a ten hour sleep.

The sunspot count was high at the weekend so radio proporgation was very good, I slept/passed out for a short time Sunday afternoon, the rest of the time I was working hard on the key or mike making the most of conditions.
With the added benefit of hilusantations after about 30 hours of operating.

I have to get ready for work tomorrow it is my Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday week, can I do a long week behind the keybourd?

Can you get a sick note for morse senders finger?


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jan 2013)

Er...... Some one pinched a day!?


----------



## byegad (9 Jan 2013)

Earth to SBGG....

Earth to SBGG...

Earth to SBGG...

Wonder where he's gone?


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Jan 2013)

I have been at work, you know that thing the idle rich have heard about!
Slaving away at a phone receiver all day........ Well from 7 to 15:00 not slaving chatting to people.


It is going to be cold at the weekend so I might stiffen up a bit, any tips?


----------



## byegad (10 Jan 2013)

Work? Ah! Yes, indeed! The serfs and peasants do that I have heard. Never saw the need don't you know?

Well, err, keep up the good work my man being creature thing.


----------



## Scoosh (10 Jan 2013)

> It is going to be cold at the weekend so I might stiffen up a bit, any tips?


PG recommended


----------



## byegad (10 Jan 2013)

DIRTY Scoosh!


----------



## n-ick (10 Jan 2013)

"I have been at work, you know that thing the idle rich have heard about!
Slaving away at a phone receiver all day........ Well from 7 to 15:00 not slaving chatting to people."


Unbelievable.


----------



## Speicher (10 Jan 2013)

I was at work yesterday, from 10.30am to 6pm. No wages are paid, but I did get a free lunch and as much coffee, proper coffee as in made in one of those machines like wot they have in a posh café. Is that an hexpressho machine? I could have had chocolate cake with my afternoon tea, had I wished so to do. Also got a lift home from the Boss person.


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2013)

Thinking of putting the whole thread on my 'ignore list' if you don't all stop talking about this W thing.


----------



## Speicher (11 Jan 2013)

Do you know how to make the ignore facility work?


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2013)

You too? Speicher notsoold chapesse?


----------



## Speicher (11 Jan 2013)

byegad said:


> You too? Speicher notsoold chapesse?


I know how to make it work, and was wondering if you could work out how to make it work. If you cannot work it out, then I will work out how to help you work it.


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2013)

Oh! I have a number of the trolls on ignore and the helmet thread on ignore too. Worked that one out long ago.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Jan 2013)

<he used the W word  >

Just sayin' mind ... 

I was always taught not to use words whose meaning I didn't know.


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2013)

My not so humble apologies. I actually know a fair bit about W, having observed people at it for more than 6 decades and it doesn't look like fun.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Jan 2013)

6 decades !!!! 

Young chap like you ? 

Impossible - unless you are really a Dr ...


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2013)

Ve haf a servant called Igor. Does that help?

He's substantially a self made man and has the receipts to prove it.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jan 2013)

But prodding servants with a sharp pointy stick is work! 

A trundle on the motor trike was done today, I am on the look out for a pillion, preferably some on on the hefty side so they can lean out over the inside wheel to help keep it on the ground, mr by gad likes pies and booze....
The only problem is the equator of this person needs to be no bigger than about 50" I am thinking of joining. The local weight watchers and sneakily measuring some of them up, the ones that fit can be trained with a chocolate on a bit of string on the end of a stick.

Mmmmm.. Or I might start going to bingo! 

The heated clothing on the motor trike is working well and keeping me mobile.
Large vegetarian breakfast with extra fungus and oatcakes helps.


----------



## byegad (12 Jan 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> But prodding servants with a sharp pointy stick is work!


 
I have a man that does that for me. Meanwhile Igor has promised that he will build a better one with thicker stronger arms, and no brain. Maybe you'd like a rebuild Mark!


Edit...

Just realised, that sounded rude to your brain. Of course we could resell it as unused.


----------



## n-ick (12 Jan 2013)

"Mmmmm.. Or I might start going to bingo! "

At last some sanity. Beyond my imagination to picture the scene, probably the stuff of Halucination.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jan 2013)

n-ick said:


> "Mmmmm.. Or I might start going to bingo! "
> 
> At last some sanity. Beyond my imagination to picture the scene, probably the stuff of Halucination.


It's all a drrrrrrrrrrrrrreeemm you know, you will wake up in a bit, in a cold sweat.

If you see the bingo halls at chucking out time some of the lumpy jumpers have what they call "bingo wings", all that lovely ballast on the hoof.


----------



## n-ick (13 Jan 2013)

Tha'll take off with wings . Take tha' nose and firmly apply t' grindstone. 
There's work to be done and " nothing comes of nothing ".


Are you the face of British Egg Week ?


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Jan 2013)

I have sent a missive to my mp re mobility scooters, pavement tax and compulsory fitting of snowplows.
This would save a lot of money on salt and allow the road crews to stay in the depot keeping me supplied with tea.

It would give the elderly like bygad a interesting hobby if they work in shift 24hrs the snow should never get too deep for them to shift.

My lad has suggested match . Com I need help with the add.
I was going to put "hefty pillion needed, must have there own leather riding gear and like being bounced about, hobnail boot a big plus."


----------



## byegad (14 Jan 2013)

Is there a psychiatrist in the house?


----------



## Scoosh (14 Jan 2013)

byegad said:


> Is there a psychiatrist in the house?


Are _you_ in need of one as well ? 

Could be a bit tricky for you, as none in the hed-med brigade  would have any idea of the whereabouts of BG Towers, now would they ?  They would have no reason to have the address listed anywhere ....


----------



## byegad (14 Jan 2013)

No I'm worried about the SBGG. He's definitely lost the plot.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Jan 2013)

He had it in time past ??


----------



## byegad (14 Jan 2013)

Not noticeably, but he, at one time, was in the same book as the rest of us....





....Even if it was the wrong page and he had the book upside down.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jan 2013)

I think my library ticket is out of date now! And it is on the ground floor of my office.
I just wonder in there and take a book up to my desk we sit at the side of the library department admin so I pop it on the trolley as it goes past when I have done with it.
I did try reading a book upside down and back to front but it was boring as you knew how it began.

If the earth has shifted on it axis as they say, we could get every one in china to jump up at the same time it might knock it back or we could make the people lining up out side lidls in Rotherham to do the same.

My helicopter headset is finished and working, and getting good reports from people all over the world.
I can recommend them as the have filtering in the speakers.

I have been wearing two pairs of glasses today to see if bifocals will be any good for me.
I have two broken sets in the draw so tomorrow I will have half of each taped together with the sticking plaster on the nose bridge to see if closing one eye at a time is better.


----------



## byegad (15 Jan 2013)

I rest my case.





Set down my valise. Place my trunk in the left luggage office. Tuck my briefcase under my arm.


----------



## n-ick (16 Jan 2013)

Packing in or packing up ?




"My helicopter headset is finished and working, and getting good reports from people all over the world.
I can recommend them as the have filtering in the speakers."

Is he turning into the prophet of Doom ?


----------



## byegad (16 Jan 2013)

Anything to filter garbage in this thread?


----------



## Scoosh (16 Jan 2013)

Which one would Sir prefer ?





or


?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

The Prophet of Doom ??? 


> My helicopter headset is finished and working, and getting good reports from people all over the world.
> I can recommend them as the have filtering in the speakers.


----------



## byegad (16 Jan 2013)

Given we are fitting it to the SBGG... I'd like the one that is totally airtight?


----------



## Scoosh (16 Jan 2013)

This has the advantage of having a limited supply of breathing gas ...






... which will run out after a specified period of time ...


----------



## byegad (17 Jan 2013)

We could fill it with CO2 and ensure the world is safe!


----------



## Scoosh (17 Jan 2013)

NO2 could be more amusing ...


----------



## byegad (17 Jan 2013)

Cyanide would be quicker!


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Jan 2013)

I have a new HF radio* it is this years release with all the computerised filters and memory's and stuff all nerdy and train spotter types can get all excited about .oooooo3 better rejection on this widget or that.

I have also one that has yet to be launched to test in on air conditions as I almost exclusively use morse and the chaps as the emporium can't.
I am being a bit gentle with it as the retail will be around £6,500 for the basic fully loaded with all the options £7,995, It is the affordable version of there top of the rang model that start at £10,800.

Most of my transmitting equipment is home made and very rugged, as I go portable**

*hf is high frequency from 160m to about 6m or 10m depending on what side of the ecumenical divide you stand or in my case paddle about in prodding random theory's with a sharp pointy stick to see what happens.
Mine is a very cheep "relatively" one as I don't use ssb "single side band this involves using a microphone" I don't need any thing fancy and lard y dar, posh like.

**this for the benefit of the bygad, is when you go out in to nature with "camping gear" set up a makeshift antenna normally in a remote location that is not transmitted from regularly. 
This involves "manual labor" and only a bounder would have minions do this for him as it is simply not done old chap and certainly not cricket.

My doctor# said that the ambient tempriture makes no difrenc to the 9" bolts up through my bone and wakeing up at 3:37 whimpering as the outside tempritur has suddenly dropped is totally sycosomatic! When was I issued one of them do they take battery's ? Is there an online instruction manual? Can I give it back as being faulty?

#i say my doctor I did not purchase him on any thing, he is a master of disguise as he/she never looks like the same person and has a memory like a swish chees as I have to run through my medical history every time I see him/she/it.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2013)

The SBGG said:-
My doctor# said that the ambient tempriture _temperature_ makes no difrenc _difference_ to the 9" bolts up through my bone and wakeing _waking_ up at 3:37 whimpering as the outside tempriture _temperature_ has suddenly dropped is totally sycosomatic _*psychotic*_!

_Fixed that for you!_


----------



## Scoosh (18 Jan 2013)

> #i say my doctor .... and has a memory like a swish chees as I have to run through my medical history every time I see him/she/it.


Maybe they like a good joke ! 

Doctors need cheering up too ...


----------



## Speicher (18 Jan 2013)

You are being orrible to SBGG again. I am going to send him a hot bacon sarnie, a large flask of hot tea, and some McVities choc digestive biskits.


----------



## Scoosh (18 Jan 2013)

I sit (un)suitably chastised - it was _him_ what made me do it ...... err ... where's he gone ???


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2013)

I don't care. He thrives on abuse and derision... like all of the peasantry!


----------



## Scoosh (18 Jan 2013)

Ah ! There ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ he is !


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Jan 2013)

Int it about time we had a French revelation like, wi that giggliteen thingy, I could have a go at knitting.
I have a list all ready 


byegad said:


> I don't care. He thrives on abuse and derision... like all of the peasantry!


Int that what there lot thought ? "Let them eat hamsters" or something like that.

We could grind them up and add them to the cheep minced beef, a bit high in fat, "soilent gad" anyone.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2013)

Sadly following the last 6 months I'd feed a lot fewer peasants than previously, I'm a shadow of my former self! Meanwhile the poor have been eating horseburgers for years and years, so hamster would be a nice change. I knew burgers contained lips and peanuts but not the last runner in the 4.15 at Doncaster.

Sadly the newly reinforced walls of the Estate have been finished, so good luck with the mantraps, lillies and land-mines. IF you get through them the dogs love to play with their food, so expect a lot of running, screaming and the like. Should they be full of poacher and malcontents then the Green Howards look forward to some target practice, if you're very lucky you get to experience their prisoner interrogation techniques. If you think the CIA are bad they are nothing to their chief interrogator, Major 'Mad Tony' Hancock You'll die, but maybe not laughing exactly!. If they decide you are really worthy then Igor can always make a man, woman or thing of your spare parts. Be aware his interpretation of 'spare' may not be yours! After that we usually let our head jailer have what's left, he likes a snack after 10pm.


----------



## n-ick (19 Jan 2013)

Wot ?
Anyone notice the singularity between the Sun Blessed Twit and Genghis ?
View attachment 17699


----------



## byegad (19 Jan 2013)

Sadly Nicks wisdom inducing attachment is coming up as an error message.








Or was that the point?


----------



## n-ick (20 Jan 2013)

Absolute confusion attracts the deluded one.
I note with alarm that The Spud has moved house without telling everyone. He has also taken to the airwaves with an amateur radio set. 

Best not imagine calling up the SSGG, last seen galloping across the moors after an overdose of Tesco neddy burgers.


----------



## n-ick (20 Jan 2013)




----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2013)

Nice self portrait in ice Nick.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Jan 2013)

This is why I don't eat sausages, I like to have a nice chat with every thing I eat so can identify it.

If the-spud did a midnight flit have a look for the tic mans eye lashes in the letter Box, being a new initiate on the radio he will have to have his initiation before he can contact me directly.

It takes years of hard study or a tener.


----------



## byegad (21 Jan 2013)

Who mentioned sausages?

On the communication front. How much to stop you communicating? I could be persuaded to oil the locks and hinges on the family wallet and open it. However Queen Victoria might need some sunglasses for the first month or two!


----------



## n-ick (22 Jan 2013)

By the burberlage of his posts, there is no reason to believe that he is communicating. 



Less communication skills than a chimp with a tin cup, probably less intelligent and force fed on neddy sausage as a nipper.
There is little doubt that we have a missing link or proof of primate evolution without the encumbrance of excessive thought.

















;


----------



## jayjay (22 Jan 2013)

That explains much, then. It's _recessive_ thought.


----------



## byegad (23 Jan 2013)

Careful people, we have an intelektchewall.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2013)

I thought  it was _regressive_ thought  - or, I thought  , in the case of a certain Lord of the Tower - _aggressive_ thought.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2013)

Does an intelektchewall eat everything intelligently ?

Can it be lumpy-jumper be an intelli_gent _?

What is the lumpy-jumper equivalent ?


----------



## byegad (23 Jan 2013)

I think you'll find you are as confused as me. Maybe it was all caused by the wbanking crisis?


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2013)

byegad said:


> I think you'll find you are as confused as me *I* (am - assumed). Maybe it was all caused by the wbanking crisis?


Grammar, your Lordship, Grammar !

Some of us reading this have been ejucated.


----------



## byegad (23 Jan 2013)

Another intelektchewall!

Smithers! My Purdey please, load it for Scots.


----------



## Speicher (23 Jan 2013)

Scoosh said:


> Does an intelektchewall eat everything intelligently ?
> 
> No, they eat purrpetchewally with their contented cat at their side.
> 
> ...


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2013)

Scoosh said:


> Can it be lumpy-jumper be an intelli*gent *?


Strange lumpy-jumpers of a male persuasion ???


----------



## byegad (23 Jan 2013)

You haven't been to London much have you?


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2013)

Fortunately not


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Jan 2013)

I been to londinium, well had a go at going, it was shut! That is what they said at the border crossing,
So I had to come home.

It is funny you know now I think about it a lot of places have been closed when I have tried to go to them!


What is the lumpy-jumper equivalent ? Extremely intellgent, beautiful and with charisma.


Speicher said:


>


My ikle girl is one she has an dugreee and working on a misters or something involving long pub lunches and evenings hard at study in Leeds.
She still can make a good cup of tea and toast is the extent of her culinary efforts, so am having problems marring her off.
you have no problem holding down your breakfast when you look at her and if she don't talk a lot you can't tel she has a bad case of the brains.
I am thinking of going to the expense of putting a card in the corner shop window, I might flower it up a bit, sort of embellish as they say.


Still stuck on my match dot com profile. Apart from strong lass, good at ladder work and heights, dont like tv and strong drink, Has own crash helmet and boots.
Strong thighs a big plus.

I don't think I am being overly picky.
if I can get all the applicants to turn up together at Caldwell park I can take each for a spin and see how we'll they perform.


*for putting up and messing about with my aerials and cleaning out the guttering.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> edit...
> She still can make a good cup of tea and toast is the extent of her culinary efforts, so am having problems *marring* her off.
> ...edit


 
You have marred her enough being her parent. How unlucky can a girl get?


----------



## n-ick (25 Jan 2013)

Being marred to the deluded one.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jan 2013)

I had a very nice man from the ministry or nhs or just a passing pervert with a clipboard* he manhandled me a bit and made me do bendy things n point to things then enquired about my bowel movement, well it not something that normally comes up,...... Or down in a normal conversation.
It was at this point I enquirer as to who he was, 


*very dangerous things the clipboard, they hold mystical powers, I could make people's chances of getting a move to a council house evaporate with a single tick in a box!

I did not purchase a second wife after the first one passed away, for a relatively small outlay a dishwasher was acquired, plus there isn't that clunky big chain laying about on the kitchen floor, flipping dangerous if I tripped up on it and mrs sbgg did not throw her self under Neath me fast enough I might get hurt.


----------



## n-ick (29 Jan 2013)

I should get a clipboard for each hand. That way you'll be able to compare results and carry out required assessment with your feet.
Time to move off the self medication and move the game up.
I hear that opium has good results. A crop sown in the spring should be adequate, I should apply for a large allotment now.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jan 2013)

There are three places that only have hydroponics gear for sale within one mile. There is only one reason I can think of for any one to perchance this equipment with charcoal filter extractor fans thrown in for free!

The product is cheaper here than a prescription from the doctors.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jan 2013)

I kept hearing vices the other day, distant tiny voices...... After replacing the tin foil in my shoes and having a not stand up for a bit in a darkened room I went in search of the voices.

With a small size tin of haggis* in hand I went in search of them only to find I had left a handheld radio on in my coat pocket, the vices were periodic activity on the local repeater.

I have a new locker at work it has a cubic capacity of .33467298 of 1m3 so not very roomy, I don't think I can get a lounger in there but it has a nice out look on to the coat rack and potential.
I will get a minion to measure up for wall paper on Tuesday.




*no fresh haggis this year as the hunting has been rubbish. Haggis is well known to guard agains evil possession a bit like garlic and tax collectors.


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2013)

Better tell the Vice Squad!

Frankly with the SBGG STILL totally incapable of using a spell checker on his browser, I'm rapidly losing the will to live.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2013)

Has anyone found 
*the recovery*

anywhere ?


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2013)

You are some kind of revolutionary Scoosh. Next you'll paint your face blue and shout FREEDOM with an antipodean accent.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2013)

I thought revolutionaries usually painted themselves as red. 

Talking of Revolutionaries, I'm going to the Revolution event in Glasweegieland on Saturday evening, so have to be over there in time to watch the Calcutta Cup  @ 1600, then on to Sir Chris Hoy's Velodrome for 1900.


----------



## n-ick (1 Feb 2013)

Dah, lard, dibbley boooo . Going to eat dosages all day, whipee the Minions. Still looking for leather clad dead weight, even a traffic wardon would do.

Oh, nuts, it must be infectious.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Feb 2013)

Is there one on the j pod thingy? It would help if I could see the text as well this tuck typing on a Curtis keyboard int as easy as you wood think!


----------



## Speicher (1 Feb 2013)

Obviously not! 

Tuck typing? is that the modern version of short arm tryping  wot I was learning in 1978?


----------



## n-ick (1 Feb 2013)

Tuck tryping on j pod thingy ? That wood not present a problem to a monion. 
1978 ?
SBGG was still in a cornflakes packet.


----------



## byegad (2 Feb 2013)

Fibble!


----------



## n-ick (2 Feb 2013)

Trubble as this fine Cheshire kat who keeps appearing. I can hear no vices, perhaps the diet of vegetarian lard and cabbage has done the trik.
I am greatly looking forward to meeting the SBGG again. There may be a ripple in the fabric of reality and hopefully a wormhole.


----------



## byegad (3 Feb 2013)

Alas poor Nick, I knew him well Horatio! 

Looks like the curse of the Sun Bronzed Geek god has struck and we now have the Moon Cursed Geek God in poor Nick. Run for your sanity readers!


----------



## n-ick (3 Feb 2013)

Dumdiddle dum dum.......
Ha , a cunning trap to lure the deluded one from his cage, here birdie birdie..........


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2013)

Hum! Nick??? Is that a 12 bore I see behind you?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Feb 2013)

All goes well, I have been recycled ! I am now a customer service centre person.

I never felt a thing I am at the same desk doing the same job but have moved directorate the lumpy jumpers now put the contact info from answering the phone in an email and send lard it to me across the desk, I had all bits of paper before, now when I hit the delete key I don't have to shove the paper at the back of a filing Cabernet. 


Brain pils are having minimal side affects, apart from I have no balance I can't stand still or I fall over and a slight bought of the screaming abdabs now and again, then there's the twitch.
Loosing 1st 8lbs and only sleeping 3 hrs a day.

Every thing is Gary mummy ...... Lard


----------



## byegad (6 Feb 2013)

Stop buying abdabs and they'll stop screaming, presumably in terror!


----------



## Scoosh (7 Feb 2013)

> Run for your sanity readers!


 - where did it go ? 

Didn't realise it had gone and went !


----------



## byegad (7 Feb 2013)

Mine returned when I whistled. Sadly some people can't whistle.


----------



## n-ick (7 Feb 2013)

"All goes well, I have been recycled ! I am now a customer service centre person.

I never felt a thing I am at the same desk doing the same job but have moved directorate the lumpy jumpers now put the contact info from answering the phone in an email and send lard it to me across the desk, I had all bits of paper before, now when I hit the delete key I don't have to shove the paper at the back of a filing Cabernet. "



No doubt a suitable case for either treatment or transportation. He should go far.
I'll have a Cabernet Sauvignon if he goes.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Feb 2013)

I have a quote of £365 for decorating my new locker, flipping stop as it is.

I went to see what it would be like at the local exorsese designer gym as they sent out leaflets extolling its virtues,
It proudly proclaimed a fully equipped gym with the disability symbols.

After a short stay at the front desk as they could not find any thing to cut the plastick zipp thingy holding the wheelchair gate shut I was shown around the place, I can't use the exorcise bikes as they are too close together and on a 9" high platform, but they said they could move one of the stair climbing things down to the floor for me to use as they are portable, i said i could only use it if it was a stanner, he did not get it.
they have a changing room for people with mobility problems I would call it a toilet full of mop buckets, with no shower or locker.
They do have exiting exorcise classes.... In the up stairs studio as it has glass walls I would be able to join in if I sit in the far corner of the gym near the lounge, I did not ditect any hint of irony so I think he was genuine.

Hooooo huuuuum.......... Flipping lard.


----------



## n-ick (10 Feb 2013)

Tha's been busy proving life as a malingerer is no bucket of laughs. I should enter tha' self in a downhill cheese rolling event. In addition , drag hunting with hounds would without doubt give the excercise required, "Tally-Ho !"


----------



## byegad (11 Feb 2013)

I'm sure our local hunt would be glad to douse him in aniseed and chase him around the countryside. At least the DWP would be satisfied he wasn't malingering when the hounds tore him to pieces.

Don't worry about the law, that only bans hunting dumb animals with dogs, and I've heard the SBGG speak. .. Well OK if you count 'Seethee' as speech.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Feb 2013)

I am learning swearing from a Norwegian in the language of the northern finish who speak a bit like Icelandic backwards.

Er I think .....
I do get confused some times you know.

The Russians are coming with polish smoked and jerked venison, there is an illegal smoke house in wickersly run by the Rumanians to supply the local ethnics market.
Some of them are running there cars on some kind of Eco fuel they are making and from the way they drive they must be drinking it as we'll.
Red light now means get on The pavement as some one is going to come around the corner on the wrong side of the road, they think we are all mad stoping just because a light goes red! You should only stop when you can't get through a gap and that is what bumpers are for to make the gap bigger.

I can no longer hunt so am moving on to in door hunting, jammy dodgers and rich tea are hidden around the place on plates at the side of cups of tea and I have to amble about snaffling them while the kids are distracted.
I am working on a down the sleeve tea sucking tube, roll out is next week.


----------



## byegad (12 Feb 2013)

Now tell me a fox could write that gibberish. TALLY HO!


----------



## n-ick (13 Feb 2013)

Boom boom !


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2013)

That finely toned body is not the semi mobile wreck of the SBGG.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Feb 2013)

byegad said:


> That finely toned body is not the semi mobile wreck of the SBGG.


At last he admits it!


That is intact a lithograph of my self and I just before the naked bike ride in York, it was a bit chilly and be being in my delicate state I got wrapped up for the event.

I was in training all day, the was like training us to like take proper like love tha knooose.....


----------



## n-ick (14 Feb 2013)




----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2013)

Note to self.....

Get eyes tested before I drive again!


----------



## n-ick (14 Feb 2013)




----------



## byegad (15 Feb 2013)

THAT'S THREE!

OK Nick, you are offending good taste and decency. I'll inform the moderator!


----------



## n-ick (15 Feb 2013)




----------



## byegad (15 Feb 2013)

Neigh! Nee more lad, my computer canna take it Captain!


----------



## Scoosh (15 Feb 2013)

It's only a wee horse he's eating ... 

Now, were that photie to have been taken before last month - he's a real trend-setter !


----------



## byegad (15 Feb 2013)

I heard he was feeling a little horse.

I must have misheard, He was feeding on a little horse!


----------



## n-ick (17 Feb 2013)

Neyy,don't be galloping to conclusions !


----------



## byegad (17 Feb 2013)

Hoof! That was a bit close.


----------



## n-ick (17 Feb 2013)

Do you think he'll ever Find us ?


----------



## byegad (17 Feb 2013)

Well last I heard he'd eaten so much horse he was giving up cycling and starting to collect all of the 'My Little Pony' toys.


----------



## Speicher (17 Feb 2013)

He needs some marscapone cheese to go with that.


----------



## byegad (19 Feb 2013)

He needs a new brain and a new body. However sadly he's stuck with the old ones... And so we are stuck with the SBGG.

I should have taken the other pill!


----------



## n-ick (20 Feb 2013)

"Take the red pill ", Welcome to the real world. "


----------



## byegad (20 Feb 2013)

Beam me up Scotty!


----------



## n-ick (21 Feb 2013)

Ha, here's the thing, you may see in this picture that his function is to adjust the window blinds by means of the ear!


----------



## byegad (22 Feb 2013)

At last! A use for the SBGG!

Well done to everyone who contributed to improving on my suggestion of using him as a comedy doorstop.


----------



## byegad (2 Mar 2013)

Well the SBGG must be on his home planet. No news from him for a week. Maybe he had some important pointing on Galafrey B.


----------



## n-ick (4 Mar 2013)

Who ?


----------



## byegad (4 Mar 2013)

Send for THE DOCTOR!


----------



## n-ick (6 Mar 2013)

Better still,

"EXTERMINATE !"


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2013)

I think we have, not a sign of the SBGG. Maybe he's down the lard mine?


----------



## n-ick (6 Mar 2013)

Probably dripping sweat down there.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Mar 2013)

I have been recycled again!

Three departments in three weeks, it is like pass the parcel!
I am now going to take calls for me but I have to log them on one system send my self a email with all the details on and inform the customer some on will be in touch to make an appointment (me) end the call if no calls are coming in I then switch to the other system, I have always used, open the email try to decipher the gibberish the sender has bashed in it, call the customer and make an appointment.

Comment to the effect of "I was talking to you just now?" Are common, I reply "I was some one els then" is treated by resigned laughter or a deep Sigh of tenants that have been using council services for a long time.


Welcome to the nut house is written over my back door on the inside as there all loons out there I will say it again I am the only sane human in existence. 

I have been swimming this week, the new pool has easy access, a chap comes to the clinging room with a special wheelchair takes you to the edge of the pool and tips you in, they never said it would be easy to get out.
With lots of lard rubbed all over for insulation I managed to bob about for a bit that was nice.

All the lard mins are running flat out, the bcb (burnt crunchy bits) content has been climbing over recant months but gsf (Gary slimy froth) has dropped so prices have dropped, I recommend bulk buying now as this will not last.

On the radio front I have had my loop extended it now goes through the conservatory then i have twelve garden canes fastened to the concrete posts the loop goes up and down the fence over the workshop up into the loft a lap of the loft then down to the radio, it is working well with the added benefit of at parts of the wire standing voltage of several thousand, so anyone climbing over will get rf burns (radio frequency burns, sort of cooks the meat from the inside with no obvious external indication).


----------



## Scoosh (8 Mar 2013)

He's back !  



err, sorry  .... 



I really meant  , ,  or even


----------



## byegad (8 Mar 2013)




----------



## Speicher (8 Mar 2013)

Scoosh said:


> He's back !


----------



## n-ick (8 Mar 2013)

And re-cycled too !
Hopefully some part is humanoid.


----------



## Scoosh (8 Mar 2013)

n-ick said:


> And re-cycled too !
> Hopefully some part is humanoid.


----------



## byegad (8 Mar 2013)

n-ick said:


> And re-cycled too !
> Hopefully some part is humanoid.


 
That would represent a huge evolutionary step for SBGGkind! Probably a step too far.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2013)

byegad said:


> That would represent a huge evolutionary step for SBGGkind! Probably a step too far.


An extra arm would be nice or and a cheese fermenting pouch.


----------



## byegad (9 Mar 2013)

Sigh!


----------



## Scoosh (9 Mar 2013)

Extra arm - 

Cheese fermenting pouch -  (already exists)


----------



## byegad (9 Mar 2013)

I like BrainBleach for the cleansing of loonies, but get better results with electrodes attached to the flesh bits and variable 240 to 2000 Volts applied incrementally and regularly until he promises to be normal in future. Never had a failure to behave after that, although so far the survival rate is less than 50%.


Well OK less than 1%











Err! TBH it's 0%


----------



## Scoosh (9 Mar 2013)

errrr .... 

the Brain Bleach was for any who considered the position of the 'Cheese fermenting pouch'  





Aaaargh - too late ...


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2013)

My right thigh is .5 of an inc bigger than my left.

The pencil on my desk is 634mm long.

The loop of wire around the garden and loft is 90m long

The average diameter of the knobs on all my doors is 3.332"

The curly wire on the microphone to my radio is 524mm

My lard reserve is 4m x 1m x 3m

The experiments on transmitting with small loops (6m circumference) on the very low frequency (160m band) are progressing.
It is mounted in the roof of my conservatory so is only 3m away, being in close proximity to it the tinfoil lining of my leather trilby (if I connect the attached fly lead to a good earth the voices almost disappear) heats up rapidly and I get spots before my eyes.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2013)

Scoosh said:


> errrr ....
> 
> the Brain Bleach was for any who considered the position of the 'Cheese fermenting pouch'
> 
> ...


It's a bit like saying don't think of a pink elephant.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2013)

FYI it is official on my work place fire safety under Defects / Omissions and Comments I am named on the evacuation plan.

I have to push my self over to the fire stairs and wait for every one to get out then some of them will come back up with a chair so they can transport me down safely.

Gosh getting a mention on the defects list! If her majesty gets to hear about it I might be put on a list for a gong or obe.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Mar 2013)

Most of the bollards in town are 1500mm sticky upping.
Except the ones at the bus depot they are 12480mm 

That lady's umbrella is 110cm long when folded up.

A policeman's note book is 15cmx25cm.


----------



## byegad (10 Mar 2013)

He'll never measure up to a 100% Human DNA comparison. Chimps share about 99% of our DNA, my prediction for the SBGG is in the region of 0.0000000000000000000000000099% in common.

Any other estimates before the Police come back with the results.

Good news Mark, you won't be going to jail if I'm right


----------



## n-ick (10 Mar 2013)

We could extract ALL of his DNA, just put him on fast spin.


----------



## byegad (12 Mar 2013)

Scoosh said:


> errrr ....
> 
> the Brain Bleach was for any who considered the position of the 'Cheese fermenting pouch'
> 
> ...


 

Brainbleach cleans your mind wonderfully. Sadly to work you do actually have to have a brain, and I don't mean one floating around in a huge jar of pickled gherkins! So with the SBGG it is not going to work.

Meanwhile I've dug out the electrodes and generator. I now need three deaf people to help me hold him down. Anticipating a large number of volunteers I've hired Leeds Toen Hall for the auditions. The test is an onerous one. They have to sit through a rendition of 'Cliff's Greatest Hits' (Yes I know he didn't have any Greatest! But Lady Byegad is a fan.) sung* by Lady Byegad herself accompanied** by me on the Scottish Bagpipes***.

*Sung is a loose approximations as Lady Byegad for all her good points, and she tells me she has many, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, or for that matter Supertanker.

**I have every hope that I can play the things, but that night will be my first, and very definitely last attempt!

***This will be a first for me as I'm a firm believer that the pipes should be heard in the Highlands, from Byegad Towers, with cotton wool in the ears and several large drinks to fortify the body and spirit for the music droning mindless ruddy row to come. I really don't like the pipes in any form, it's the droning in the background that sets my teeth on edge. I'll be leaving them in the glass by the bed for the rendition.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Mar 2013)

I was interviewed by a group of students doing a report on disability hate crime.
It was quite a quick meeting I just gave them a pice of paper watch a URL on it.

The pipes are nice when you are standing 3 to 5 thousand yards from the cat strangler.

Today I found a mint imperial in my jacket pocket vintage 1998, I was going through my wardrobe looking for clothing to donate to les fortunate than I.

As I add to my collection of garments at the rate of one pair of trousers every three years two new shirts every five years and shoes must be replaced every ten years if they are past repairing with some glue and bits of old inner tube / tyre.

I have to thin out my collection after going through the pockets for 1/4 packets of polo mints and bits of string( i accumulate string odd bits I am not actively looking for it, I am not a strong aficionado I just think a man should be able to lay his hands on a bit of string at a moments notice.

You might have to lasso a maroding Moose or measure a pice of lumber with your knotted string.


----------



## Scoosh (12 Mar 2013)

F-i-L used to have a bag marked 'String too short to be thrown away'. 

I always thought it should have been '... too long ...' but, although Glasgow born, he has lived in Fife for 50 years, so understandable, I suppose.


----------



## n-ick (13 Mar 2013)

"You might have to lasso a maroding Moose or measure a pice of lumber with your knotted string.

Rawmarsh life in the fast lane exposed. Think that should read "Mouse" and "pie".


----------



## byegad (13 Mar 2013)

No mention of the brain! I know for the fact that it's hiding behind the third Gherkin down from the bottom left of the label.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Mar 2013)

Soap on a rope! Now that is luxury.

Carbolic and bit cut off an old threadbare towel just are not the same.

Now a gherkin is a cucumber of a different class with sharp vinegar, they are to be savoured.

Proper pickled eggs are dropped in to vinegar raw and only ready to be served when the shell has dissolved Non of the hard boiled egg de shelled and left bombing about in wishy washy namby pamby softy vinegar for a day or two then proclaimed pickled!

Pickled brains sliced pickled liver are also available strictly black market under the counter.

My dad used to make pickled onions, the ones that when you bite one your eyes water and you can't speak for a bit.
All that pealing.

I am constructing a spiral lf frequency receiving arial it will be tuned to the band I am going to receive on and mounted on a rotatable base, there should be high voltage across the accumulator on transmit that may arc so I am practising my best mad professor laugh.


----------



## Scoosh (13 Mar 2013)

He might get himself back to the future past yet !


----------



## byegad (14 Mar 2013)

Sad!


----------



## n-ick (14 Mar 2013)

Wait for a windy day, get those turbines going and plug the blighter in. I'll gladly feed the meter.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Mar 2013)

Initial tests of the receiving loop spiral are acceptable.
It needs more power and a tank accumulator like the ones on navy ships they are about the size of a car and act as a buffer from the generator to the internal power supply, When fully charged you could run your house off it for a week.
If I run the insulation transformers side by side and over clock the generator, I just need a test station, they will ether receive a very strong very focust Signal or if wearing head phones get a strong tingling sensation in the brain. 

The last time I was tinkering at my friends place we managed to get next doors strip light in there kitchen to glow Just before we lost the vacuum on the high voltage capacitor.
A good chunk of some of the veins melted, it was very sad it cost over £100.

It is strung on a wooden cross 6feet by 8feet this may be a problem getting it through the loft hatch.


----------



## byegad (15 Mar 2013)

I am going to make for the prediction, as Billy Connolly would say. 

Woe, woe and thrice woe! Tinkering with that kind of power will spell disaster and melt the tinfoil hat to your head.


----------



## n-ick (18 Mar 2013)

Keep the blighter in a Tesla cage.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2013)

The directional loop is now working! The burns to my finger ends should be ok eventually.

I am attending the gym 5 times a week now and have put on 2lb so far.
There are handy plug sockets on he bike to plug your tinfoil hat into.

My office is having to sort out a peep again as they got it all back to front.


----------



## Speicher (22 Mar 2013)

Be very careful if you have a peep out of the window, unless it is a French window, and you are on the ground floor.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Mar 2013)

Who is going to rub the sudecream on my burns? They are a bit inconvenient to reach.

The socket on the exorcise bike is for head phones not to earth your tinfoil lined hat.

The brim of my hat is 4" wide and made from a bit of a kangaroo.

The screwdriver I have just used to adjust my screws an nuts is 3" long and has a yellow handle. 

After 35 hours of gym work most of it aerobic I have put on 2lb I am now 182lb with my cycle gear on ? I think it is the brain pils doing it.

My new morse twin paddle from Hungary has all been set up and is now having it run in before I teak is settings. Polished brass on a black base looks nice. 

Now all I have to do is run my aerial along every ones fence down the street and


----------



## Speicher (24 Mar 2013)

....waits expectantly for the dénouement......


----------



## n-ick (24 Mar 2013)

"and"........either cut off in his prime of decay or the matching twin brain cells stopped communicating.

Certainly good to hear that he's so wired up to


----------



## byegad (24 Mar 2013)

Dastardly Laugh!

Now to hook him up to the 30,000Volt supply!

Dastardly laugh again.


----------



## byegad (24 Mar 2013)

Fried SBGG anyone?


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Mar 2013)

Find a way of making the terminating resistor safe there will be very high voltage hitting it and can get hot.

I have found one nostril is bigger than the other , this became apparent mid tingly wink game when a Star Wars storm trooper* head became lodged in one for a time.

I have learned that teenage kids can be a bit stroppy a times and tend to keep my head down when this happens but they are nothing compared with teen mums with little kids.
One in mid " as we say going totally netto at one of her brood" was asked to pleas move her trolley as it was up against my car door, stopped in mid expletive as I was standing at the time and holding the top of the car for balance, she must have seen me wheeling my way up to the car and not noticed me put the chair in the back.
This perplexed look came over her face and she actually tried to look around me for the wheelchair bloke.

Daft thing but it em used me for a bit, but I can be Easley amused some times.

* Lego return of the Jedi edition


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Mar 2013)

byegad said:


> Fried SBGG anyone?


Can it is Easter and is off the menu until after ascension day.


----------



## byegad (25 Mar 2013)

Sorry does not compute. Easter? Some sort of pagan festival isn't it to do with rabbits laying chocolate eggs? Sadly the fact you replied indicates that the Byegad dastardly plan #1347(C)* didn't work. On to plan #1348(A).

On an entirely different note, does anyone have access to free, reliable delivery from the ACME Company of America? I'm ordering certain items and would rather Royal Mail didn't get to shake the crate too hard as destroying crown property, and a fairly large radius of private property damaged in collateral and entirely unlucky circumstances, tends to attract unwanted attention from the Police MI5,6 and the big bad Tax Man.

* Note to SBGG. As the terminal resistor, your getting hot was, in fact, the whole point of plan #1347(C)!


----------



## n-ick (26 Mar 2013)

Shouldn't worry about Easter,

"Can it is Easter and is off the menu until after ascension day."

Obviously Can it is Easter.
Quite looking forward to that.


----------



## Scoosh (26 Mar 2013)

Is ascension day the day that SBGG leaves us ??? ...



... forever ??? ....​ 


... to go to that 'better place' ??? ....​ 


... Ascension Island ???



   



... which even has a nice big hill with some interesting domes on it ...



... so he can get _really_ wired !!!


----------



## byegad (26 Mar 2013)

It's times like this I wish I believed in the sky pixie so I could pray for that Scoosh.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Mar 2013)

Scoosh said:


> Is ascension day the day that SBGG leaves us ??? ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No!
It is not the day the mother ship lands
I do not have a steamer trunk so not going on a cruse 
It is the day devout believers rub lard on their windows and give arms to the poor and needy, feet to the clergy and bums to the wealthy.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Mar 2013)

byegad said:


> Sorry does not compute. Easter? Some sort of pagan festival isn't it to do with rabbits laying chocolate eggs? Sadly the fact you replied indicates that the Byegad dastardly plan #1347(C)* didn't work. On to plan #1348(A).
> 
> On an entirely different note, does anyone have access to free, reliable delivery from the ACME Company of America? I'm ordering certain items and would rather Royal Mail didn't get to shake the crate too hard as destroying crown property, and a fairly large radius of private property damaged in collateral and entirely unlucky circumstances, tends to attract unwanted attention from the Police MI5,6 and the big bad Tax Man.
> 
> * Note to SBGG. As the terminal resistor, your getting hot was, in fact, the whole point of plan #1347(C)!


Beeeep beeeeep wooooooosh


----------



## n-ick (27 Mar 2013)

Does he mean us ?


----------



## Scoosh (27 Mar 2013)

[a bit slow this am] ...

Who 'he' ?

What 'us' ?


----------



## byegad (27 Mar 2013)

If anyone can work out who what the SBGG is they are a man* better being than I am Gunga Din!

*Edited on the grounds it is likely the SBGG_ is_ from another species, planet, dimension, reality**.
** Choose your own estimate.


----------



## Scoosh (27 Mar 2013)

Ah - is he a time-traveller whose clock is OK but he hasn't got the latest version [,o2.11/frh\;478B] of his HHG ?


----------



## byegad (28 Mar 2013)

Possibly he started reading his copy upside down backwards and in a language he doesn't fully understand. But then he'd have called himself Kia Ceed.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Mar 2013)

I am in the process of building a broadband reviving aerial, the main element will be a 26" mountain bike wheel, with a cone ground plain with the addition of several colinier vertical elements.

The loop will have a coaxial pick up loop tuned to 160m, it has a spiral coil in the centre Which should improve the lobbing effect to some degree.

The tank accumulator is coming on nicely but at the voltage it is likely to produce and not having fund or equipment to feed it in to the transmitting rf guid the production of ball lightning is a possibility, so I am having to construct a Faraday cage to sit in.

All this is pretty small stuff I have applied for one of the un activated licences for the 2200m band, an effective antenna has to be vertical so the use of a Cody lifting kite may be the answer.
At around 1000m it would be in the local flight path corridor for helicopter traffic and if it suddenly lost lift would probably land across the local power transmitting lines.

The other possibility is piggy backing a signal on to the local power grd, but may hit a slight problem with the MOD on this one.
As the submarine communication system "may" be using an incripted version of this "possibly".


So if I suddenly disappear the men in black have taken me.


----------



## byegad (28 Mar 2013)

Here's hoping!

If you succeed does that mean you can phone home?


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Mar 2013)

byegad said:


> Here's hoping!
> 
> If you succeed does that mean you can phone home?


If the 22000m signals work no but I may course a chunk of North Korea to become radioactive.

I may post a picture of the new and improved, rubbed all over in glistening lard gym conditioned SBGG.
The debate still rages as to, should the SBGG have his body hair shaved and waxed ready for the local mr ward4 silver wood district body builders competition?

On the plus side I could stuff a pillow with the hair
The all over no "not brown bits" would be easer as I would not have to keep coming parting in the chest hair to let the sun get through
On the negative side
Bit may look like the last turkey in the shop
It may be cold with the insulating hair removed

The winers sequinned thong will be up for auction after the event to raise money to send lard to Africa.
eBay 095623518005


----------



## Scoosh (28 Mar 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> ....yadah, ... yadah, ...
> So if I suddenly disappear the men in black white have taken me.


FTFY 


We can but hope ...


----------



## byegad (28 Mar 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> If the 22000m signals work no but I may course cause a chunk of North Korea to become radioactive.


 
I think they are getting there on their own. Shortly after parts of South Korea suffer a similar fate.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Mar 2013)

The pencil I have sticking out of my left ear is 3.56" long including the eraser .


----------



## n-ick (31 Mar 2013)

Try sleeping on that side.


----------



## byegad (1 Apr 2013)

Just back from Longridge Bike Right. Excellent weekend with good friends and some noteable, or should that be not able, absences.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Apr 2013)

Placing two pillows side by side one can sleep with a pencil in your ear.

My second toe is two mm bigger than my big toe.

I have increased my brain pill dosage by 30 percent, in the morning to give me a jump start.
Up 20 percent in the afternoon, to give me a boost about 14:00 when I am flagging.
Up 50 percent in an evening as a night cap.

Lacking the ability to cycle in the cold now un less they moved it to North Africa I would be stuffed.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Apr 2013)

Today is the day after yesterday, that was originally the equivalent of Christmas Day until all the calendar was messed about with except in Ethiopia thy still run the Julian based one.

.. Lard is good for your skin most people rub them selves with it every day.


----------



## byegad (2 Apr 2013)

byegad said:


> Just back from Longridge Bike Right. Excellent weekend with good friends and some noteable, or should that be not able, absences.


 ^
See above. ^


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Apr 2013)

byegad said:


> ^
> See above. ^


That's ableist.
I want my bagger skin thong back you loaned.


----------



## byegad (3 Apr 2013)

INTERPRETER!


----------



## n-ick (3 Apr 2013)

Translation;


"NURSE !"

Could be a request for trepanning.


----------



## byegad (3 Apr 2013)

I wonder if he gets on well with members of his own species? Whatever that is!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Apr 2013)

A lot of the biggest battles fought by the roman army might have had a different out come if not for lard.
It was used to lubricate and waterproof the moving parts on there war engines and a good post battle fry up.

With the bedroom tax and cap on benefits wind fall to the tax man from the high fuel charges and vat on utility's I have worked out the country will be back in the black next week.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Apr 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> With the bedroom tax and cap on benefits wind fall to the tax man from the high fuel charges and vat on utility's I have worked out the country will be back in the black next week.


  ... errrrr .....


.


.


... what black ?

 ?


----------



## byegad (4 Apr 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> A lot of the biggest battles fought by the roman army might have had a different out come if not for lard.
> It was used to lubricate and waterproof the moving parts on there war engines and a good post battle fry up.
> 
> With the bedroom tax and cap on benefits wind fall to the tax man from the high fuel charges and vat on utility's I have worked out the country will be back in the black next week.


 

A stunning example of the disconnect between SBGG-world and our world.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Apr 2013)

Scoosh said:


> ... errrrr .....
> 
> 
> .
> ...


We payd off the lease on all the American war supplies from 1945 about 8years ago.
Has any one looked in to getting the payment protection refunded on it?

I was not consulted regarding taking out new loans, don't I have to mark an agreement with my chicken scratch to make it legal?
is my collection of stone age nose hair clippers* In jeopardy of being ceased if the payments aren't kept up?

The preamplifier for my scanner aerial is 6.3cm long and has no lard in it.


*they are my investment for my retirement fund, there is only one dealer I know of if you are interested he lives up the hill from me and has his finger on the the pulse of up and coming investment opportunities.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Apr 2013)

> ... up the hill from me


Now there's a dangerous place 

Has he sought help ?


----------



## byegad (5 Apr 2013)

Anywhere on the same planet is dangerous. So count yourself lucky that he lives in his own weird little world.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Apr 2013)

1.. 2.. 3.. 4 ... 5 ... 6 (this could be a long post  ) ..7 ...8 ... ...


----------



## byegad (5 Apr 2013)

Oh dear!

ATTENTION! We have another one!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Apr 2013)

... where ?

 , ,  or  ?




err .. another what ?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Apr 2013)

The first step to supreme ruler of the universe has been taken.


----------



## byegad (7 Apr 2013)

Have you ever read anything about delusions of grandeur? Why not aim a little lower, like village idiot of a tiny hamlet and work up from there?









Sorry I forgot. You've already done this!


----------



## n-ick (7 Apr 2013)

They say there might be a post or two for someone with disjointed thoughts to interest youth in the police and crime.

Certainly no need for it here, last Friday two of the blighters ran out of our local superstore with 2 huge Dysons each.
Now there's something we could excel in and possibly lead the world .
This followed the guy caught with hundreds of cheeses on his person and the guy who pushed out an entire trolley of spirits after his wife tripped the alarm , holding up a single bottle.

I can see our Crime Czar , SSBG , sorting this out and putting this great country proudly back on it's buttox.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Apr 2013)

I could become a super hero crime fighter vigilantly.
I could swoop in on my motor tricycle roll of the back on to my peddle trike and mince there legs up with the deadly dangerous front cogs*.

I am conflicted, today I started on the tea bags I got as a job lot 40 boxes 80 bags a box very cheap 48.4p a box this makes my Yorkshire hart beat a little faster and I get that deep satisfied feeling deep down in my purse, they are by the same company that bring you Yorkshire tea..... But these are Lancashire tea bags! 
They taste the same but I have to say three e bygumms and a chuffing ekerslike every time one of my minions makes me a cup.
They are in my personal stash as when company comes or one of the kids want a cup the one drying on the tea bag rack are used so people in the village will not know my shame.

*up wrong riders claim they are capable of cutting through a car door like better.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Apr 2013)

n-ick said:


> They say there might be a post or two for someone with disjointed thoughts to interest youth in the police and crime.
> 
> I can see our Crime Czar , SSBG , sorting this out and putting this great country proudly back on it's buttox.



The first thing to do is take over all the golf courses put big fences around them with automatic gun posts, close all the prisons and let them loose in the golf courses give them packet of seed and tents and leave them to it.
Some courses could be use for hardened criminals up in Scotland and some for any one who is being a-pressed or suffering toucher they would get a caravan and some tools any surplus food could be sold at special markets so they could build up a nice start up fund so after there claim is justified the could live of that until they got on there feet, any failed claims would use the money to pay for there flight home.

Vat should be worked out on a persons income and charged on every thing so a super rich banker might end up paying £300 for a bottle of milk. 

A minimum wage should be enough to feed a family and heat a home.

There should be a national bank with interest rates that reflect the persons income with a cap on the amount they can lend that reflects this.

Car tax should be replaced by a national insurance policy basic third party fire and theft, if any one wants any thing extra they can get a bolt on from the privet sector.

All commodity taxes ie petrol booze ect will be abolished and replaced with vat, linked to what you earn.

Nhs should be run as a non profit business using well established business models any one trained by the NHL should be tied in for ten years or pay back what it cost to train them.

Tuition fees should be added into the persons vat calculation until the cost of there tuition is paid off.

Fiddles for the rich ie setting up a company to get there vast wage paid in to and getting a salary from it then charging all there living expenses to the company of which they are the sole employee ect. When they are found out should not be a slap on the wrist.

Elderly people should be allowed to carry cattle prods and use them.

The full manifesto will be posted later


----------



## byegad (8 Apr 2013)

From the above post...
"they can get a bolt on from the privet sector."

I have this vision of privet hedges driving around our roads. The good thing is they'd be taxed and insured!


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Apr 2013)

My first expedition of the year is to take place over the weekend of the tenth of may, there is to be a gathering of the faithful.

I am gaining to bring religion to the aborigines of Hexham, the word of gumm and his profit heker shall be heard and there wisdom shall bring the light of understanding to the heathen.

Some not standing up, about in a field will happen and some pies eaten, for it is foretold thus in the pamphlet of "toad" organiser and falling down water taster in training*

*he says he will have to keep practising as he has only been doing it for 40years


----------



## byegad (14 Apr 2013)

Beware the passport control coming back into God's own county. I gather they have your photo, sent anonymously!


Whistles casually.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Apr 2013)

byegad said:


> Beware the passport control coming back into God's own county. I gather they have your photo, sent anonymously!
> 
> 
> Whistles casually.


I will be in a cunning disguise bekilted coming up to the border man skirts flapping bestradeld my 1150cc bagpipe chantors sticking out of the exhaust, it will be such a manly sight they will not even bother to stop me.


----------



## byegad (17 Apr 2013)

Hopefully the Geek seeking missiles will take care of our Sun Bronzed Geek God once and for all.


----------



## n-ick (18 Apr 2013)

We could have a whip round and get him a fortnight in North Korea.

Not only would he feel at home with the meglamaniac Tele tubby with the finger on the red button, but would be reassuringly close to WMD's.
Something no one else has achieved.


----------



## byegad (19 Apr 2013)

I think North Korea has mare than enough megalomaniacs at the moment.

As an aside..

In my capacity as Yorkshire Ambassador to the Frozen North, I had to turn down a recent invitation to a funeral. Sadly I was rearranging my collection of back numbers of the NUM Journal 'The Miner' that day.


----------



## Scoosh (19 Apr 2013)

byegad said:


> In my capacity as Yorkshire Ambassador to the Frozen North, I had to turn down a recent invitation to a funeral. Sadly I was rearranging my collection of back numbers of the NUM Journal 'The Miner' that day.


He's a spy !!!


----------



## byegad (19 Apr 2013)

A spy no!

A fan of Maggie...


NO!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Apr 2013)

'twas a terrible thing, when the inverted fuirket wobbled loose and the tension preload spring became reciprocal!
My swearing engine* just self distracted from an over load, you mentioned "it" you can't mention "it" when the engine is switched on as I haven't got the repeat sensor adjusted yet and it went in to a locked loop.

*every home should have one saves all that bother and high blood pressure from the old manual swearing.


----------



## n-ick (23 Apr 2013)

Translator !

Anything that makes a minimum of sense would do, even hieroglyphs.


----------



## byegad (23 Apr 2013)

You ask too much Sirra!


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Apr 2013)

I have booked another weekend of not standing up in a field, there will be foamy drinks from a local micro brewery lots of vintage wines* some apple juice# from cornwal, baked potatoes and some thing called curry?

*some several weeks old
#aparntly it is mostly apples, but it is best not to get coper or naked flames within three feet of it


----------



## byegad (24 Apr 2013)

I don't think I could cope with anything naked. Age is a terrible thing.


----------



## Scoosh (24 Apr 2013)

byegad said:


> I don't think I could cope with anything naked. Age is a terrible thing.


Depends how much of it you have ... 

Now some of us ....   


... while others ...   


Your choice ...


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Apr 2013)

Tending to be up and about from 6am cup of tea in hand looking out over the camp sight contemplating life the univers and everything, while bits of my body wake each other up and the brain pils start working.
the morning ambiance can be brought to a crashing holt by, 80+ well padded BMW riders imitating a walrus colony with there snoring and gas emissions that could keep a town going for a month.

The rides zig zagging around Northumberland are worth it though.


----------



## n-ick (28 Apr 2013)

Unimaginable. 

I like a pils, not for breakfast though.



Just booked York Show, hope the SBGG will Be busy in another univers .

Any other movers and shakers going ?


----------



## byegad (28 Apr 2013)

Sadly I will be in France! Hope it's drier than last year in York Nick I looked at the reports of towing cars onto the field and gave it a miss. I spent the weekend indoors!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 May 2013)

I have a 58mm x 3000mm white plastic pipe I think I will call it diggy.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 May 2013)

Diggy has had a bit of a misshape, it has been cut in to six lengths.
The diggylets !


----------



## byegad (4 May 2013)

Is there a human out there that understands our SBGG's latest posts?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 May 2013)

I have now bolted two of the diggylets to a pice of plywood in a v shape.
This will be the base for a delta loop beam, to 19m fishing rods will be inserted in to the diggylets then a pice of wire will go up one across the gap and down the other making a triangle loop standing on one of the points.

The microwave rifle tests are proceeding, the problem I have is power! To be affective each infantry man weapon would have to be umbilically linked to a 4.8t generator.


----------



## n-ick (5 May 2013)

WHOOSH ! Straight over my head.

Perhaps he's got something.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 May 2013)

The chap who built my mototrike is scoring 8.9 on my normality meter, this is exceptional!

A ride out to day was perfect empty roads sun on my back several of my hairy bits in the wind carving the roads up.

Lacking the funding of a government research department the microwave rifle only gives a fully grown man a splitting migraine and becomes catatonic lay drunk after three to five can depending how long you can keep there head in you sights.

The number of all night loud garden party's with in line of sight, have diminished over the testing period.
A good side affect is when in operation mobile phones will not receive a call within .5 of a mile.


----------



## n-ick (9 May 2013)

The mind is meandering , lost between visions of fluffy kittens, fields of lambs and the roar of the SBGG as he motors by ,hairy bits in the wind.

Mind you after all this time......he might have something.


----------



## byegad (10 May 2013)

Oh! He definitely has something, and you wouldn't want it.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2013)

I am back from the land of the man frock.

I was saved from a savage haggis by local who later served it up to me to eat.

A good old bimmble about on the bike and smoked salmon topped baked potato, then a visit to a foot wash factory, well it must have been as it tasted horrible must have gone off as it was 12 years old! They will fob anything off on the tourists.

After not standing up in a field I am looking forward to doing the same in my soft comfy bed.


----------



## n-ick (12 May 2013)

Ye Gods, from a rough translation looks like he's been north of the border.

Is no where safe from this marauder, this violator of logical thought, this exponent of chaos ?

I assume that when the north gets independence he'll be rebuffed at the border. Preferably with a disc grinder.


----------



## Scoosh (12 May 2013)

I hope he would only have been welcomed 'north of the border' if he had been pedal-powered, not bringing his filthy dirty southern pollution with him ! 


.


On second thoughts .....



.



... maybe his very self would have been ...


----------



## markg0vbr (13 May 2013)

There may be a video!
To re live the violation over and over and over again burning it in to you brain.

I went to a nice nudist temple and rubbed the giant Buddhas belly as it makes me smile when I do it to the ikle one at home.
It was very gratifying I thought there would have been belly button fluff to pick out as a keep sake but alas some one must have got there first.

The lentil soup was nice some one left for me but it was almost cold so they mis timed my arrival.

There may be other expeditions soon with a contingent of out riders most of them I would consider near normal and the few people I can really connect to.
Well except Gordon the matron insists he is back by seven each night but I am in charge of my very own brain pils me.


----------



## n-ick (13 May 2013)

Double the dose of "brain pils" ,add any number from 20-30, then double it.

I hope that my taxes are not being squandered on the NHS keeping himself somewhere close to sanity.


----------



## byegad (15 May 2013)

No evidence of that Nick. Mr Sanity has not only left the building, he took a rocket off planet long ago.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 May 2013)

No Visio yet, but as soon as I get the link I will post it.

Rain and cold again ! It is not fair I am loosing my sun bronzed completion I may have to resort to ronseal wood stain.
Mr bygad oil ways looks red when I talk to him he must have a sun bed, can I have a go please?


----------



## byegad (16 May 2013)

LORD Byegad to you peasant!


----------



## n-ick (16 May 2013)

Indeed Sire , "sun bed " indeed, the pheasant.


----------



## Scoosh (16 May 2013)

Sun *bed* ??? 

Lord Byebye has his man/ladyservant lasso the thing** and bring it in when he wants to 'catch some rays' .....

... 'bed' indeed - do you think he's not busy enough ??? 


**... if they can see it through the rain, that is ...


----------



## markg0vbr (17 May 2013)

The lack of sympathy and understanding of my plight as a part time office menial and professional keeping your head down so no one notices you.

The stress of the semi retired.


----------



## n-ick (17 May 2013)

Best off volunteering for everything and putting any schemes or ideas in writing to your head of department. 
I worked for many years for the Civil Service and local government. Both were bereft of ideas, I did come up. With one or two.

Otherwise when the chopping block of cuts comes you might find your shiny pâté fully lined up. Mind you a life on the bowling green and bingo hall might be just you.


----------



## byegad (17 May 2013)

Plus if Nick's suggestion is diligently implemented _they_ will soon delete the 'semi' from semi-retired.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 May 2013)

I have used some of my holidays so I am working two days a week for the rest of the year.

I don't know If I will bother with York this year I will see if they use there brain and put the wheel chair/ crutch users near the tarmac road rather than as far away from it as possible.
I did ask to go at the side of the light camping even though I was in the car "computer says nooooooo" !


----------



## byegad (21 May 2013)

I will be away on diplomatic duty, trying to negotiate a treaty with the SNP as to a bid for world domination following Scotishland's independence. With their Whisky and Tetley's Best Bitter, we could rule the world!


----------



## byegad (21 May 2013)

Sadly the SBGG will not be attending York Rally either.

Rather than suffer yet another visitation, they've cancelled the whole thing. One up to the SBGG!


----------



## n-ick (28 May 2013)

The post Olympic movement and resurgence of cycling , York Show cancelled. Whatever next ?

Promotion for the SBGG ?
Bionic legs for the SBGG ?
A 3 day week for the SBGG ?


----------



## byegad (28 May 2013)

Course in being human for the SBGG??? Rocket for planet Y for SBGG?????


----------



## markg0vbr (31 May 2013)

I didn't do it, it was nowt to do wi me, if my local chapter of the hells angels believe an event is discriminating against the handicapt and have a "chat with some of the comity".

I have bought my fist leather trousers this week! I am told it is what all the sun bronzed mussily hero types wear on tv.
I am contemplating the chest/back waxing thing... But having had an estimate into teens of pounds I had to have a not stand up.
On the plus side I could stuff a pillow with the result and sell it on e bay, with the Seleb factor it might make a profit.

I am now looking at putting up graded shocks on the motortrike now it has had the trail reduction and run in.
Every one is surprised how well it goes, especially when it comes rumbling up behind them* and can't figure out how it goes around the bends so quickly.

It has been a bit of a faff playing about with all the tyre pressures to get a good rid and good handling.
It feels about bang on now but with basic shocks they can at times strudel to keep up with every thing happening at once. 
The race quality shocks give better response and selectable settings for fine tuning.

*some riders find it a bit nerve racking, panic don't know what to do.


----------



## byegad (31 May 2013)

A rough translation of the above into any known language would be much appreciated.

I tried it on Google translate! !t came up with a statement that the translation service is only designed for translation of human to human languages, and a recommendation to contact an animal specialist for the parrot/dolphin/ape in question. The reason given was that the poor animal was obviously in distress and needed a single injection to end its suffering.

Maybe a quick visit to a solicitor to have the SBGG classified as legally not human would bring an end to all of our suffering.


----------



## Scoosh (31 May 2013)

There does seem to be a lot of talk about 'motors' on this _*cycling*_ forum thread ! 

If you want to tell anyone about the morontized version of a trike ... I'm sure there are plenty of other leather-wearing-hairy-backed places who would be glad to hear. 

This is lycra and flat-or-drop bars territory ... 

Just saying, like ...


----------



## byegad (31 May 2013)

Scoosh said:


> There does seem to be a lot of talk about 'motors' on this _*cycling*_ forum thread !
> 
> If you want to tell anyone about the morontized version of a trike ... I'm sure there are plenty of other leather-wearing-hairy-backed places who would be glad to hear.
> 
> ...


 

FTFY


----------



## Scoosh (31 May 2013)

Thank you, @byegad  - you are right yet again !   

I was forgetting myself 

Sincere apologies to all of a 'bent persuasion  ....



... but not a m****ised one


----------



## n-ick (31 May 2013)

Forget the motors. We are lucky to be able to communicate (?)with a being so complex as to either be a construct or just a plain ijiot.
His great contributions to hedge laying and leading from the rear are examples to us all.


----------



## byegad (31 May 2013)

n-ick said:


> Forget the motors. We are lucky massively unlucky to be able completely unable to communicate  with be bemused by a plain ijiot.
> His great contributions to hedge laying destruction by impact and leading from screeching inarticulately from the rear are examples to us all.


 
FTFY and I recommend you take two of the Red pills now Nick.

P.S. Are you still saving the yellow pills until we have a fatal dose? I've worked out a way of getting them to take them all in one go. We tell him they're, a) Free; and b) Free.
That should ensure he swallows the lot!

Exit stage right, twirling moustache in a diabolical way!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jun 2013)

That reminds me my stock of tash wax is getting low, I often twirl it while informing some one they have a £80 fine on its way as they did not keep there appointment.
It it deeply satisfying.

I only take brain pils as they are good for me and produce some good illuminations.
One was bygad giving me a twenty qui note to go to the bar for him and have whatever I am having and keep the change.

I was only mentioning in passing about the bike as according to my last scan my bone densityhas in crease in my spine by 3.8% and my hips have sated the same the quack has postulated the motorbike may have helped as riding briskly a lot of loading is applied to the body.
I am now down to a 33" waist but added 3lb as my chesticls have expanded.

So hips Still 70% of what they should be but spine only 65% and pronounced wear of the vertebrae visible on the x-ray.
It is all that bygads fault plying me with pint after pint of free Booz, you only have to sit near him and he is sprinting oft the bar to get you a selection of drinks.

He is suffering from pie retention so may be a side effect of that.


----------



## byegad (3 Jun 2013)

Give away a note?

I rest my case, set down my valise and deposit my portmanteau. The man??? is as mad as a box of mad frogs on mad pills on a mad March day. His 'illuminations' are as deluded as a deluded thing that has been confused by a day in the SBGG's company.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jun 2013)

No it's standing orders in any pub you go in and bygad is all ready in that you go to the bar and say put it on bygad's tab. He always organises this when he goes in, it is a rich people's thing.


----------



## byegad (4 Jun 2013)

Ah! The light dawns. So far I'm on my 3245th* 'bar tab'. It's getting hard to find new pubs in County Durham**!

* On which I owe a total of £3000000+ to Inn Keepers, of which £0 10s 5d has been paid! (I was caught at the point just before alcoholic oblivion struck and actually paid for a packet of peanuts and a whisky! The follies of youth.) Some of these tabs are now held by the Grandchild of the original Inn Keeper.
** Of course you don't get 'tabs' in Yorkshire, the Inn Keepers are Tykes too!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jun 2013)

All Yorkshire men are happy to extend credit to any one on the understanding that they never use it!

Growing up in a family where money was never a problem, we just did not have any and being unlucky enough to only have a big sister, some of my clothing was inventive and trend setting.

I loved my state issued school uniform, I could make every hair on every one in the house stand on end, shuffling up and down the house in them plastic shoes. 
Bed time was a delight of sparks getting near the bed with the Nikon sheets.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jun 2013)

Going.....going......going.....nearly.....gone !

I've never used Nikon sheets .


----------



## byegad (4 Jun 2013)

Canon sheets are much better, but Sigma pillow cases give warmer dreams! There again I'm an Olympus man myself, m Four Thirds for your money!


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jun 2013)

Olympus too - OMmmmmm .....


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jun 2013)

Canon 500D with a zoom lens and a tripod

If I put it under my jacket it gives me an impressive bulge like a revers humpy back.


----------



## n-ick (7 Jun 2013)

He is indeed "the only sane person how has ever lived ".


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jun 2013)

If some chap said "I've got this fantastic idea, you sit on this thing an turn this crank with your feet but it don't move and your doing it for fun/make you look good." Back in Victorian England he might have been locked up, now people not only pay to use them, they then pay "personal trainers" to encourage them! Odd world init.


----------



## n-ick (8 Jun 2013)

It is indeed and "your all nuts ".

Sometimes you wonder if our primate ancestors leaving the trees to evolve into the Ssgg was a good idea.


----------



## Scoosh (8 Jun 2013)

n-ick said:


> Sometimes you wonder if our primate ancestors leaving the trees to evolve into the Ssgg was a good idea.


 
'evolving' ???? 

Is that not meant to imply 'getting better' ?


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Jun 2013)

Scoosh said:


> 'evolving' ????
> 
> Is that not meant to imply 'getting better' ?


I am 3.8% better! A medical fact! And I have the X-ray to prove it!
My god the expense three exclamation marks.

A comparison of bone density scans one from just after my slight bump and one this march on my crumbly vertebrae and hips fond no difference in my hips but 3.8% improvement in my spine.

My doctor was impressed the best they had hoped for was no further loss. He went on to say I have been putting on weight and this will put strain on my crumbly bits.
The nurse did point out I had lost 4" of my waist and " would love to use my wash board midriff suitably soaped up to clean her delicate garments on" I am not 100% on the last bit as I sometimes have to fill in the gaps in conversations myself and is some what open to interpretation.


----------



## byegad (9 Jun 2013)

I agree with Scoosh, claiming Homo Sapiens 'evolved' into the SBGG is like saying that having £1 in your pocket is better than having £100. Maybe he's the missing link?


----------



## n-ick (9 Jun 2013)

Certainly missing something !

It is of great comfort to hear that himself has " fill in the gaps in conversation myself ".


Silence is golden.


----------



## n-ick (10 Jun 2013)




----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jun 2013)

I am going to knit some panniers out of strips of plastic bags then line them with hemp cloth. I am thinking of becoming a Eco activist I am looking into converting my trike and car to run on poo gas.

My main worry is going on what happened to the tax on LPG when a lot of people started to use it, it trebled in four years, taking in to account the cost of conversion and less mpg it is little cheaper than diesel now.
I don't want my bum taxing! 

Up the worker.


----------



## byegad (11 Jun 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> Up the worker.


 
This sounds like personal knowledge. Have you met him/her?

I do know that this solid son or daughter of toil doesn't 'work' for a council or other publicly owned organisation, as 'Our Great Leader' and his boyfriend* have stated that only privatised organisations work. This despite the evidence of the East Coast Mainline, currently in public ownership, being the only line in the UK to actually make a profit. Obviously their expensive private education means they know something about work that the rest of us don't**.

*See **
** Apart from *


----------



## n-ick (13 Jun 2013)

Forword the SGBb,


The Spell Chequer

Eye have a spelling chequer
Witch came with my pea sea;
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks I kin knot sea.
I strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write –
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four to long,
And I kin put the error rite –
It’s rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it;
I am shore your pleased two no
It’s letter perfect awl the weigh –
My chequer tolled me sew.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Jun 2013)

n-ick said:


> Forword the SGBb,
> 
> 
> The Spell Chequer
> ...


As a poetry it lacks some thing?

I have had a bit of a fiddle with bits and bobs in the shed, bit of inventing you know.
The new shotgun shells* are ready A semi automatic sawn off shot gun** would be the perfect weapon for them.
On the smooth bore front the lads have had a go at the load and tap method of quick shooting copying the move from the tv show sharp, with the surprising result that it works with some proviso that low quality powder can soon build up deposits in the Barrel.
Given that it would only be used in ranks for mass volleys then the bayonet would come in to play it wold have been a very effective method.

**that I do not have and would never think of using 
*yes I have a licence and a nice collection of mostly smooth bore replicas and early riffled match locks.


----------



## n-ick (13 Jun 2013)

Certainly sounds like the Taliban, Noddy and Al Qaeda should be shaking in tha' boots.

Suggest tha' joins either the Foreign Legion or the Territorial Army and head east as a WMD.


----------



## byegad (14 Jun 2013)

Forget the weaponry, send the SBGG and confusion to our enemies. He certainly confuses me!


----------



## n-ick (14 Jun 2013)

The country could really slash the military budget, just send in the SSGG. 

A cross between Rambo and Bambi.


----------



## byegad (14 Jun 2013)

More Bam-Bam and the Village Idiot du monde.


----------



## n-ick (15 Jun 2013)

Can't find himself on the family tree


----------



## byegad (15 Jun 2013)

I think he fell off. On his head!


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jun 2013)

While sitting out in the garden on my reclining thrown I have been watching the tits in the garden and contemplating beach valley ball, is it a sport I could be active in? Will the sand ruin my castors?

I am having this week end off the gym as I have a slight knee muscle strain and slight brusing to the chesticals.
A very close Lady friend* of mary** was helping me work out throwing the medicine ball at me and over did it a bit.
She is a up and coming lady boxer and knocks heck out of the punch bag and teaches the boxercise class.

*they have matching made in Yorkshire tattoos on the back of there necks.
**mary is extremely fit and Lycra clad young lady who has commented on how strong my abdominal muscles are while helping me stretch after doing crunches and leg lifts.


----------



## n-ick (16 Jun 2013)

Definite for bringing back the rack


----------



## byegad (16 Jun 2013)

I find it difficult that the supposedly finely tuned, sun bronzed body of the SBGG could be harmed by a member of the lumpy jumper brigade throwing a ball at him!
Maybe the finely tuned body is a myth if it can be defeated by a mere Miss??


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Jun 2013)

She is 90kg of muscle throwing a 11kg ball, it is like being hit with a heavy thing hard lots of times.


----------



## byegad (17 Jun 2013)

Pale, weedy wimp, rather than SBGG.


----------



## Speicher (17 Jun 2013)

Byegad, it was not a near miss, she was right on target.


----------



## byegad (17 Jun 2013)

Speicher said:


> Byegad, it was not a near miss, she was right on target.


In that case she need to throw harder! I can use one of the Byegad Towers cannon to help him with his catching, double shotted a 48lber cannon throws harder than any lumpy jumper wearer except the first 'Lady*' Byegad who got a job launching teacups into orbit when I kicked her out, without a penny!

*A total mis-naming in her case as she was certainly 'for turning' and anything else! Strumpet!


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Jun 2013)

I thought the scrap mettle collectors had the canon! The ones surrounding by gad towers are fibreglass.
And his balls are painted plastic ones.


----------



## n-ick (18 Jun 2013)

OUCH !

Handbags at dawn ?


----------



## byegad (18 Jun 2013)

The Lookouts, usually only on the alert for HMC&R and the TV Licensing vans have been given the SBGGs photograph*, should he turn up in range they have orders to use the cannon.

As to the Reverend Canon W C Ponsonby-Smythe-Mainwaring, Chaplain to the local Nobility and general sponger and ne'er do well! The scrap metal dealers do in fact have him. We have the ransom notes and his piteous notes begging us to pay up before they start removing body parts. Of course as a staunch Yorkshire family we treated these missives in the way they deserve, and had a good laugh. The paper will be useful for lighting the fires come winter,


----------



## n-ick (18 Jun 2013)

There's a fortune in titanium bolts and screws , once they've been extracted.


----------



## byegad (18 Jun 2013)

I think we have already established that they actually used Japanned Black screws* from Screw Fix. The operation was in Yorkshire after all!

*£0.02/screw.


----------



## Scoosh (18 Jun 2013)

byegad said:


> I find it difficult that the supposedly finely tuned, sun bronzed body of the SBGG could be harmed by a member of the lumpy jumper brigade throwing a ball at him!
> Maybe the finely tuned body is a myth if it can be defeated by a mere Miss??


 


markg0vbr said:


> She is 90kg of muscle throwing a 11kg ball, it is like being hit with a heavy thing hard lots of times.


 
Maybe he was meant to be _catching_ the ball !! 

His failure to learn this basic skill seems to be causing him some angst ...


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jun 2013)

Watching the lady boxers work out on the punch bag unleashing all there pent up aggression I pity any mugger that try's to grab one of there hand bags!



Scoosh said:


> Maybe he was meant to be _catching_ the ball !!
> 
> His failure to learn this basic skill seems to be causing him some angst ...


i have the reflexes of a slightly sick rattle snake and the hand eye coordination of a sixteen year old* I can roll over very small steps, stand up 8 out of 10 try's and put both my socks on three days a week.

I sir, in short am a Olympian, a shining example of what a finely sculpted super star** should be, who is still in touch with the little people around him. 

*the ikleist mini me Xackery he works very well under instruction, I have developed his Pavlovian response to my bell to such a degree he can go from sound kip on the sofa to halfway into making me a cup of tea before he wakes up.
**any movie producers looking for there next Sharpe crossed with Conan lead for a block buster, look no further.
All enquirers to my agent please, Mr Ron Hull scrap mental dealer and recycling specialist, Rotherham.
Go to the web-sight and click on agent to the stars.
I do non of my own stunts but am a experience body double credits include Troy, toy story 2, water world and 20,000 legs under the sea.


----------



## byegad (19 Jun 2013)

Oh dear! The delusions have made a real comeback. Next it will be back to the canvas jacket, nappies and safe cell. Sad after the progress he had made, he was even let out on his own for a while and came back under his own steam more than 50% of the time!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jun 2013)

The chaps of the Thursday club don't ask to see my letter from my mum counter signed by the practice nurse now.


----------



## Scoosh (19 Jun 2013)

I'm sure they don't - they want the real nurse's signature


----------



## n-ick (20 Jun 2013)

Think it's finally time to remove the remaining two brain cells and insert an AA battery instead.
NURSE !


----------



## byegad (20 Jun 2013)

Nah! A CR2023 will do. I have a flat one you can have....GULP!.... for free!

The SHAME!
The Shame!
The shame!
The shame!
The shame!
The shame!
the shame... Sob! Sob! For free what was I thinking off?


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jun 2013)

byegad said:


> Nah! A CR2023 will do. I have a flat one you can have....GULP!.... for free!
> 
> The SHAME!
> The Shame!
> ...


This will have to be reported to the ethics comity and you know what that means you will have to get a round in while they deliberate.
There may be a shunning And only having plastic balls as well! They blow about in the wind you know.

A chap offered me a shake at the gym, it is magic it makes your muscles all big and veiny and your suntan goes all orange!
It was hay powdered up I think? I works for bulls there muscly.


----------



## byegad (21 Jun 2013)

Luckily I am the Chairman of the Ethics Committee and we take spurious reports very seriously. Beware, the men in black flat caps are on their way to see you for a 'word'. Try not to spell it incorrectly, do try, no really!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jun 2013)

Dr feel good snake oil and mirrors! 90% alcohol water it down or your liver will not last the week.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Jun 2013)

I am going to be given some synthetic DNA!
I am not clear what the hoped for out come will be? The lack of this is some what disturbing.
Challenging a chap wondering about in a dr ish coat he replayed "the way thing have been going it can not exactly make it worse can it!" And he did the in air quotation marks thing.

Am I being experimented on? Is it a comy plot? Did the Germans bomb the local chip shop as my dad always ways said or did it blow up because of a gas leek?

Drugs with synthetic DNA what ever next? Will I ever run out of question marks and where do I put the refill cartridge when I do?


----------



## byegad (25 Jun 2013)

AT LAST! A use for the SBGG as medical Guinea Pig.

In answer to what they expect, I'm assuming that they hope to bump you up the evolutionary chain. With look you can make Gibbering Idiot, or even Fool.


----------



## Speicher (25 Jun 2013)

Would he be more correctly be called the Pound Pig?

Yungsters these days are not cognisant of a Guinea.


----------



## byegad (25 Jun 2013)

Look if I can get used to those new-fangled £ s d after Groats, Crowns and Marks they can damn well adapt to the nobby, upper class Guinea.


----------



## n-ick (25 Jun 2013)

I am going to be given some synthetic DNA!
I am not clear what the hoped for out come will be? The lack of this is some what disturbing.
Challenging a chap wondering about in a dr ish coat he replayed "the way thing have been going it can not exactly make it worse can it!" And he did the in air quotation marks thing.

"Am I being experimented on? Is it a comy plot? Did the Germans bomb the local chip shop as my dad always ways said or did it blow up because of a gas leek?

Drugs with synthetic DNA what ever next? Will I ever run out of question marks and where do I put the refill cartridge when I do?"

Love it love it love it. Think I'll go into the medical business, will bodge plumbing be an advantage ?
Will the scalpel or the bone saw prevail for the SSGG ?
Will he be able to suck soup or succeed ?


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Jun 2013)

byegad said:


> Look if I can get used to those new-fangled £ s d after Groats, Crowns and Marks they can damn well adapt to the nobby, upper class Guinea.


That's how the upper crust kept the masses Dow pay them in fat flightless pigeons.

I am going to retire from beach volley ball I think I have gone as far as I can in the sport.
But the pressure of being the suntan cream spreaderor oneror has got to me and I have developed a slightly unsteady hand.

I am looking in to other sports I can have a go in.
Synchronise swimmer nose plug screwerinera, appeals to my artistic side.
I got all excited when I found a educational video about the upperclass twit of the year contest, until I found out it was a satirical take on public school educated priveliged people.
I was talking to my mad mechanic friend he was enthusing about using some of my collection of fire arms to go cay pigeon shooting, he has lost it, them big round things will never fit down the barrel of any gun I have ever seen!


----------



## n-ick (27 Jun 2013)

We were hoping you'd be keen to take up this

View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vF4PN8-2YSk


I'm sure there must be some local quarries available and The Spud has an old pair of lead soled wellies available.


----------



## byegad (27 Jun 2013)

At last the Dow index explained as a means of keeping the masses downtrodden. Does the FTSE 100 serve the same purpose in the UK?


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jun 2013)

byegad said:


> At last the Dow index explained as a means of keeping the masses downtrodden. Does the FTSE 100 serve the same purpose in the UK?


No we have the old school tye net work!


----------



## n-ick (28 Jun 2013)

Tha' didn't wear tyes in t'borstal !


----------



## Scoosh (28 Jun 2013)

@n-ick was in t'borstal !!! ???


----------



## byegad (29 Jun 2013)

Well I do know he had an interesting edifakashon. But I thought it was a skool properly ayproved by the govamont.


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jun 2013)

The last two schools, what I like went too got pulled down.

The last one the head master had the wood work clas construct him an aeroplane, they had to take down the classroom wall to get it out.

He would fly very low over the playing field with the engine on idle shouting encouragement to the lads while a rugby match was on.
He was a rotund chap of 6' 7" and drove a mini he had cut the back of the front seat so he could fit in.
We had to sing all the Christmas carols in Latin in the mass, this is quite distinctive in a broad Yorkshire.


----------



## n-ick (30 Jun 2013)

Typical, cross between Gormenghast and Alcatraz.

Time to wheel out the psychiatrist couch. 
The Spud has a spare one all wired up ready.
Any chance of regression ?


----------



## byegad (30 Jun 2013)

I suspect that the nice people at Drax will wire the couch up direct to the main supply if you promise to strap the SBGG to the table and switch it on!


----------



## n-ick (30 Jun 2013)

We have the technology to tell the time using his chesticles :


----------



## byegad (1 Jul 2013)

I know what time it is. It's time for drastic action re- the SBGG. I propose we accept Drax's offer and plug him into the mains for a week or two!


----------



## Scoosh (1 Jul 2013)

Is the National Grid about to go down ??

Are we going to take power** out of or put into, the SBGG ???


**power** is used in it's broadest sense, without any indication of value nor size


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Jul 2013)

n-ick said:


> We have the technology to tell the time using his chesticles :
> View attachment 25540



BELL LAB PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS!

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the ligher light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

Not my research, but it is hard to repudiate!


----------



## byegad (1 Jul 2013)

Physics goes back to the dark ages.


----------



## n-ick (1 Jul 2013)

Got just the chap in mind to boldly go.......


----------



## byegad (2 Jul 2013)

Or just GO!


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jul 2013)

n-ick said:


> View attachment 25567
> 
> 
> Got just the chap in mind to boldly go.......



Am I one of them renaissance chaps then? Cos I could do with a bit of scaffolding down my left side. 

Moving Time:	1:44:21
Elapsed Time:	1:46:47
Avg Speed:	13.4 mph
Avg Moving Speed:	13.7 mph
Max Speed:	35.3 mph

Elevation
Elevation Gain:	1,355 ft
Elevation Loss:	1,309 ft
Min Elevation:	46 ft
Max Elevation:	510 ft
The stats for las Sundays ride, almost two and a half mph improvement on average speed! Must be the brain pils.

I a looking at performance parts for the motor trike cup holder, stick on tassels to twirl around ect has any one come across that must have gizmo?


----------



## byegad (2 Jul 2013)

I can only recommend the Absolute Special Security Holistic Olympic Levitating Equipment. Made specially for Motorised abominations. It consists of a 6" spike fitted so if a user is deemed 'undesirable' the spike emerges from the seat and disappear into the err... Chapesses please cover their eyes for a few moments. A.S.S.H.O.L.E. of the miscreant.

If ever there was a miscreant more deserving than the SBGG I'd be amazed and outstanded! Attached to the optional 24 000 000 Volt battery the desired result is assured.


----------



## n-ick (2 Jul 2013)

Spud has developed a similar helmet based on an inverted


pickelhauber.

As you can see we found a local doppleganger volunteer who is rapidly reading up on health and safety. By using a remote control the spike can descend slowly or at speed.
We think that this must have gizmo would be acceptable to both gentle ladies and small dogs.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jul 2013)

n-ick said:


> Spud has developed a similar helmet based on an inverted
> View attachment 25602
> pickelhauber.
> 
> ...


Wow what a dashing chap in that stylish hat.
Now if it had two brass eagle wings and a propellor.


----------



## n-ick (2 Jul 2013)

There's a 2ft long pin on the reverse for pinning in your chest.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jul 2013)

It would only be any good if the propeller spins.
http://todayinsci.com/Events/Patent/UltimatePropellerHead.htm
With a tow horse power mother under the hat I could walk along with my feet just touching the floor with no limp.
If every one had ear defenders on, no one would notice my limp.


----------



## byegad (3 Jul 2013)

Can anyone *sane* please explain what a tow horse power mother looks like?

I know many a third world country bases their entire economy on the carrying power of little old grannies, but a tow horse power younger lady with children seems unlikely.


----------



## n-ick (3 Jul 2013)

Here's one that didn't get delivered,


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jul 2013)

U


byegad said:


> Can anyone *sane* please explain what a tow horse power mother looks like?
> 
> I know many a third world country bases their entire economy on the carrying power of little old grannies, but a tow horse power younger lady with children seems unlikely.


Up hey, strike that and revers it, can be seen all over town about 12:30 ish but only after you have had eight pints.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jul 2013)

God I love drugs.....

I have had a cold this week and my vertigo has been of the charts, sea sick sat in a chair! Mix in a cough and you have the best rollercoster ride I have ever been on.

I have made some correx wheel discs 2 mm thick stuf they might not make a big difference to speed but I like the way they look.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jul 2013)

Your first statement will surely invite visitors


----------



## byegad (5 Jul 2013)

Wrong uniforms. The 'visitors' will undoubtedly be in US uniforms and will be fitting out the SBGG in a nice Orange overall, as they escort him for a Cuban holiday.


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jul 2013)

It's only the colour of the uniforms that looks wrong to me ... 

It should be white, as they prepare to take him to some War place amongst the Stars (no, not the z-list kind ) .... bit like the colour of the coats, then .


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jul 2013)

Gosh a free holiday! Result....

I was supervising the chaps welding bits to my motor trike pointing out opertune times for cups of tea to be brought to me.
Bits they could do better keeping the momentum up on the build with periodic exclamations of get ooooon with it, no slacking and you can multitask you know.

Tomorrow I have to go to the walk in tenter for some metal splinters removing from my leg, an accident with a grinder!


----------



## n-ick (6 Jul 2013)

How did you get your leg in here ?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jul 2013)

I was pointing out that one minion could be reprinting the front panel on my trike while the other ground and polished my flange. That I was hit by a shower of red hot sparks.


----------



## byegad (6 Jul 2013)

My eyes are watering!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jul 2013)

The flange came out nice I must say smooth and shapely.

I was out for a ride by 9 this morning after laying out on my lounger until 1:30 this morning enjoying the cool night air in the garden.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jul 2013)

I am having chestical problems again rely having problems breathing.
If some one could loosen my clothing and corsets that would be nice.


----------



## byegad (8 Jul 2013)

Tighter! For goodness sake tighter!!!!


----------



## n-ick (8 Jul 2013)

Tha'll need help wi' strait jacket, unless it's on back t' front.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jul 2013)

The corsets help a lot with the bad back and walking.
Hanging upside down is good but I can't sleep like it I have bad dreams.


----------



## byegad (10 Jul 2013)

Now his little fetish is out in the open, (Yes I'll accept lots of jokes/puns.) he will be drummed out of the Rotherham chapter of the Hell's Angels and be made to join, Hell's Grannies. Black dress, coat and hat along with hat pins will be delivered by the paragraph (Their memories are to short for chapters.).


----------



## n-ick (10 Jul 2013)

Sent for The Spanish Insquisition......Olay


----------



## byegad (11 Jul 2013)

Warn them he's a Black Pudding in the deadly art of Ekithump! Approach with caution, earplugs and a cattle prod.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Jul 2013)

byegad said:


> Warn them he's a Black Pudding in the deadly art of Ekithump! Approach with caution, earplugs and a cattle prod.


Is black pudding twirling kosher? How about "eki oy gevalt"* an interesting aside the saying like donkeys years started of as as long as donkeys ears.

Interesting how things evolve like mould in a discarded Coffey cup, modern society dose this at an abnormal and un healthy speed. Even in bygads generation when they had just invented the light bulb change came in gradually giving people time to acclimatise. Now it happens almost over night!
When heavy industry was the engine of England not namby pamby money fondlers profs lactic surgical supports where in regular use, as a friend of mine pointed out. His business was manufacturing them.



*Exclamation of dismay, grief, or exasperation. The phrase “oy vey iz mir” means “Oh, woe is me.” “Oy gevalt!” is like oy vey, but expresses fear, shock or amazement. When you realize you’re about to be hit by a car, this expression would be appropriate.


----------



## byegad (11 Jul 2013)

Take two blue pills, three green pills and a white one, now Mark.


----------



## n-ick (11 Jul 2013)

It would be more patriotic to take a red one , a blue one and a load of white ones. 
Alternatively the Inquisition should get to the bottom of all this, Olay !


----------



## byegad (11 Jul 2013)

'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition' to pay their bills! The Germans pay for them.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jul 2013)

I take one red one, three tiny white, three big yellow and two massive white ones and three bananas.

Lack of protein may be making me light headed, I might have a slice of baby sheeps or castrated cattle to bolster me up.


----------



## byegad (12 Jul 2013)

Perhaps a green one and three pink ones will do the trick? Failing that we will resort to euthanasia.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jul 2013)

Gosh you can make me young again! How do you do that then as I have ethical problems if it is monkey glands.


----------



## byegad (12 Jul 2013)

Nobody tell him what euthanasia actually is...


We may have a solution!


----------



## n-ick (12 Jul 2013)

A trip to cuckoo clock and chocolate land . As a cheaper 
Ternative, The Spud was working on a euthanasia machine.
Haven't seen him around lately.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Jul 2013)

I have been to see the doctor today, alls well with my pils but I have an angry mole?
I did a lot of moleing with traps and gas and any that I came across still alive were all angry, I would say viscous!
Thinking back and now I type it out I am a bit confused.


Hydronic brakes have suddenly popped in to my head bleeding them and cleaning. Having seen some one boil there's subsequently having next to non for the rest of the ride I was wondering if longer pipes might be the answer allowing the fluid to cool.


----------



## n-ick (16 Jul 2013)

That's it ...."your all nuts". Defines the known Universe and all sentient life abounding within.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Jul 2013)

I have got a new MOT so will be back on the road with the big black trike, gosh I am all excited like.
I get to war my leather trousers again!

I was looking through the reports coming in today for me to call up and give advice, common sense is not that common.


----------



## byegad (18 Jul 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> I was looking through the reports coming in today for me to call up and give advice, common sense is not that common.


 
An expert speaks!


----------



## n-ick (18 Jul 2013)




----------



## n-ick (24 Jul 2013)

Too hot for cats !


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Jul 2013)

n-ick said:


> Too hot for cats !
> View attachment 26681


Yes the leather trousers have been replaced by baggy shorts, the refreshing breeze at 60mph is nice.

Gym workouts are continuing though he air conditioning is not that good so at the end of 1hr on the exorcise equipment and 1 hr on the bike 3lts of water just about replace what is lost.

But I am not complaining as I am almost not normal at any thing above 21c


----------



## n-ick (27 Jul 2013)

"But I am not complaining as I am almost not normal at any thing above 21c"

Make that minus 21c


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jul 2013)

I am once again the sun bronzed thingy, I thinned out my chest and back hair so the sun can penetrate.
I still have to do the dead cat toast rack impersonation so I don't get any white bits while sun bathing in the nud


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jul 2013)

Naked bike ride is in the offing


----------



## byegad (27 Jul 2013)

Please tell us where and when. I'll be in the basements of Byegad Towers that day, counting the stocks of wine, beer and spirits so will sadly miss the view.


----------



## n-ick (27 Jul 2013)




----------



## n-ick (29 Jul 2013)

Happy birthday to the Greek God. He has managed to live another year, hurrah.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Jul 2013)

How ??


----------



## byegad (29 Jul 2013)

WHY!


----------



## n-ick (30 Jul 2013)

What ?


----------



## byegad (31 Jul 2013)

Whatever!


----------



## n-ick (2 Aug 2013)

I hear that the Immigration control rounded up the SBGG, but had to let him go . Not because he's illegal ,but because he registered as non human.


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2013)

But the RSPCA want to talk to his owner. Urgently!


----------



## n-ick (3 Aug 2013)

Not guilty yor honour. I was miles away facing west at the time.


----------



## byegad (3 Aug 2013)

You were not in the frame for ownership Nick. I was going to blame name David Cameron as the owner.


----------



## n-ick (4 Aug 2013)

My apologies, felt a twinge of remorse seeing as for some inexplicable reason:

The mother ship hasn't bothered picking him up.


----------



## byegad (4 Aug 2013)

n-ick said:


> My apologies, felt a twinge of remorse seeing as for some inexplicable very understandable reason:
> 
> The mother ship hasn't bothered picking him up.


 
FTFY.


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2013)

Apparently he called home and ran out of coins before he got through.

That's his excuse anyway.


----------



## n-ick (5 Aug 2013)

Should I cross him in the street, being a regular cyclist, I am tempted to not only go "BOOO" but hold up my lucky 6 foot cross.


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2013)

Yes my reaction too, although my 'cross' is mostly metal and was used by my ancestors at little 'events' like Crecy, Poitiers, and Agincourt. As well as Bosworth and a few other 'local difficulties'.

I'd wield it rather than just hold it up though!


----------



## byegad (6 Aug 2013)

No word from him for over a week.

Has the SBGG gone home?

Did he find full time work?

Is the pope a protestant?

Who knows?

Who cares????


----------



## n-ick (10 Aug 2013)

Think he's temping ;


----------



## byegad (10 Aug 2013)

I'm worried! So much so that I can't sleep for worrying.

All because I'm going to the Wooler Bike Right in October...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And last time, the SBGG turned up.

Please does anyone know if he has really, really, really returned to planet Mo of the Ron Galaxy?


----------



## n-ick (10 Aug 2013)

I hear he's been seen practising the ancient art of basket walking,


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2013)

I'd say more basket weaving than walking. He may well be back in 'The  Home' as I happen to know, cough cough , that a certain an on ee mouse informer gave them his address.


----------



## byegad (16 Aug 2013)

I'm beginning to hope he's actually off-planet. Any sightings of UFOs over Rawmarsh in the last few weeks??


----------



## n-ick (16 Aug 2013)

There's plenty folk up there say " U F O " , but in an unrefined course meaning and manner as is associated with th district.
I believe that he has turned into the Red Pimpernel with all this sun and lard and I'm not seeking him anywhere.


----------



## n-ick (16 Aug 2013)

Is this him ?


----------



## byegad (17 Aug 2013)

n-ick said:


> ...edit...
> I believe that he has turned into the Red Pimpernel with all this sun and lard and I'm not seeking him anywhere.


 
I think you've hit on his fate. With the sunshine and lard, he's fried himself to death!

SBGG fritter anyone.


----------



## n-ick (18 Aug 2013)

Could be in for a long spell in the Big House, 
Plastic smuggling.


----------



## byegad (18 Aug 2013)

Can I have one SBGG with chips?


----------



## n-ick (19 Aug 2013)

You could have a SBGG burger, is that a bit of his crutch sticking out of the bottom ?


----------



## Speicher (19 Aug 2013)

I really hope that his crutch is not sticking out of his bottom.


----------



## byegad (19 Aug 2013)

ARRGGGHHH!!!!! NOooooo!


----------



## Speicher (19 Aug 2013)

byegad said:


> ARRGGGHHH!!!!! NOooooo!


 

 Am I that frightening?


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2013)

Well I am! It's manky and bent and has things growing on it. Even though it is made of Aluminium.


----------



## n-ick (20 Aug 2013)

I thought that he had titanium nuts.


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2013)

And they're all loose!


----------



## byegad (20 Aug 2013)

Speicher said:


> Am I that frightening?


Not you Speicher old chapesse. The thought of the SBGG's exposed mangy crutch is a definite put off.


----------



## n-ick (21 Aug 2013)

Still no sign. I heard he was languishing in a 3rd world prison after his disguise failed,


----------



## byegad (25 Aug 2013)

I see Rawmarsh is advertising for another village idiot, so at least his home town miss him.


----------



## Scoosh (25 Aug 2013)

n-ick said:


> Is this him ?
> View attachment 27839


 
Looks too much like w-o-r-k for our favourite () SBBG ...


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Aug 2013)

I have had a holiday, I was Eric for a bit then Lawrence, a box of dried frog pils is a lot cheaper than messing about in airports and all those trouble some questions about the things in my baggage.

on my adventure I was turned in to a marsupial hamster, but I got better. 

Yet another weekend of camping, I will be taking the worlds fastest mobility scooter again and the weekend after I am exhibiting at Rotherham show. 

The public appearance Callander is very full again this year but I like to make my self accessible to my adoring public, as it is the little people who, through there adoration have elevated me to the top of the c list reserve sub list for most of the hip happening events in Sheffield.

I have still been putting in the time with my personal trainer Ron, shouting things like "go away" and "look that bit of equipment is not being used go and do some thing with it please." All this encouragement has brought me down to a 33" waist while putting on 5kg. 

He is now training the full English lady's boxing team at the gym and they let my hold the punch bag while they take turns hitting it.


Work has been nuts as we are now doing three different phone lines at a time you never know what is going to come in.


----------



## n-ick (27 Aug 2013)

Welcome back, this very morning I have aligned my prayer mat in the direction of Rawmarsh and turned the wind vane around so that others will know where to point.

I note with alarm that the cull has started, Spud has a spare badger suit , should you wish to go down to the woods at night.

I shall be keeping an eye on your Callander.


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2013)

Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!

He's back!

Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!

NO!!!!


----------



## Scoosh (27 Aug 2013)

> He's back!


  

*Great to have you back SBGG !* .... we've really missed you - and hope you had a wonderful time. 


....



....


Yes, sir, I have had my meds this morning [he lied] ...


----------



## Speicher (27 Aug 2013)

Dear SBGG 

Can we start planning our long-delayed jollidays in the Maldives?


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2013)

Scoosh and Speicher have obviously lost the plot......

Sad as I'd thought they were Jolly Fine People.


----------



## n-ick (27 Aug 2013)

Alter eegoes of the great fellow hisself,

Begorra !


----------



## byegad (27 Aug 2013)

Very worrying Nick. Perhaps it's really catching after all!

I'm still OK but I'm a bit worried about everyone else..... wibble!


----------



## n-ick (28 Aug 2013)

Wobble wobble , mad as a box of frogs. I suggest sending the chosen one to Syria. First class recorded, that'll sort them out.


----------



## byegad (28 Aug 2013)

While the Syrian regime is somewhat evil, I'd not inflict the SBGG on them.

Well......
.....
....
...
..
.
Maybe I would!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Aug 2013)

I have been informed at work today that they want me to go on holiday again with the days the say I can have that is 4 weeks.

So I think I will book two weeks of triking in Spain and two weeks in the USA or just a month in the USA. 
I just can't make my mind up if I keep dithering I will end up having a week at Skegness in October.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Aug 2013)

If I am contagious, my normality will start to spread, peace and lard to all men and lumpy jumpers.
Except the people on my list!

It has begun, a prominent member of the council has been in the paper as he has allegedly been a naughty boy.
As he has agreed to step down his compensation package will be boosted to soften not being allowed to work for us, he will get his full years pay plus 85% of the bonus he would have got in April.

We got the news just after we heard we are getting a massive 1% pay rise. 

My diet of apples all bran and liquorice root has kicked in today, I was a little light headed after my morning ritual ablutions and have treated all sneezes and coughs even other people's with hesitancy lest I go off again, but I feel deeply cleansed.
I hear prune juice if full of anti oxidants so may add this tomorrow.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2013)

I rest my case M'Lord. My application for the forcible detention of the patient in a secure hospital stands proved.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2013)

I rest my case M'Lord. My application for the forcible detention of the patient in a secure hospital stands proved.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2013)

Help! I'm saying everything three times!


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2013)

I feel better now M'Lord.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Aug 2013)

byegad said:


> I feel better now M'Lord.



Every one will feel better when they embrace my teachings trust in the sun bronzed Greek god like one, now watch the pendulum swinging slowly, slowly to a stand still...... As it slows you are feeeeeeeling relaaaaxed you eye lids are getting heeeeeeeeavy.....

You love laaaaaard you like laaaaard, lard is nice it is Holsome ....


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Aug 2013)

Bananas are exultant the only snack you can throw away and it come right back, one eaten you can put a skin under each foot and using you crutches you can propel your self across the room like you are on ski Sunday.


----------



## byegad (29 Aug 2013)

Wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble.

I'm going to take three green pills one white one and hope when I wake up this will turn out to be just a dream.


----------



## n-ick (29 Aug 2013)

Take the red pill ! 

I heard that if you eat two bananas they cancel each other out. This being one of the lesser constants of cosmology.

There's no stopping the fellow, let's hope that the restraints are strong enough and the doors are locked from without.
There cannot be many civilised places ready to accept the fellow as either humanoid or even sensible.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Aug 2013)

There is a possible solution ...


> The aim of the experiment was to see what would happen if a microscopic sphere was spun as fast as was technically possible.
> The team balanced it on a laser beam in a complete vacuum and then spun it using the light itself.
> *They saw it spin faster and faster until it reached 600 million rpm - and then it seemed to vanish!*
> The researchers don't know what happened to the sphere - but one possibility is that the object may have reached some theoretical speed limit - after which it changed in some way.
> The next step for the researchers is to discover what became of the object and whether they really have discovered a completely new physical phenomenon.


Can we get SBGG to St Andrews ?


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Aug 2013)

n-ick said:


> Take the red pill !
> 
> I heard that if you eat two bananas they cancel each other out. This being one of the lesser constants of cosmology.
> 
> ...


I always eat three bananas for this reason.

I am heading south today to a place called Lowe brailes to have a not stand up in the back garden of the st George pub.

It is a performance peace I entitled " to become horizontal a commentary on the failings of Lawrence Eccles".
I will be doing a short pice entitled the "to lean on"


----------



## n-ick (30 Aug 2013)

By jinks, wish we there to cheer you on.

"The aim of the experiment was to see what would happen if a microscopic sphere was spun as fast as was technically possible.
The team balanced it on a laser beam in a complete vacuum and then spun it using the light itself.
They saw it spin faster and faster until it reached 600 million rpm - and then it seemed to vanish!
The researchers don't know what happened to the sphere - but one possibility is that the object may have reached some theoretical speed limit - after which it changed in some way.
The next step for the researchers is to discover what became of the object and whether they really have discovered a completely new physical phenomenon."

By jinks, this is the most sensible suggestion we've ever had. Even possibly the most sensible since Noah watched the weather forecast and decided to build a large boat.
Now we just need a volunteer.


----------



## byegad (30 Aug 2013)

Or maybe the centripetal force on the sphere heated it to vapour??


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2013)

It might have gone on holiday.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2013)

Thank you for that insight into your world. 

SIGH!


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2013)

Depending on the diameter, maybe the surface reached the speed of light?

Then it:-
Time travelled?
Evaporated?
Moved to another reality?*

* If that's the case maybe if we put casters on the SBGG............


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2013)

Null and void. As blank as any thought exuding from the chosen one.

Anyone noticed time is accelerating ?
Why ,I notice that today becomes yesterday and tomorrow becomes today .


----------



## byegad (2 Sep 2013)

I look in the mirror and this old guy looks back. When did mirrors stop working?


----------



## n-ick (2 Sep 2013)

Don't go talking to the guy in the mirror, mine makes no sense.


----------



## byegad (3 Sep 2013)

Your mirror too young Nick? It must be widespread. I wonder if the SBGG sees a sensible person looking back? It would explain many, but not all of his delusions.


----------



## n-ick (4 Sep 2013)

Be worried, very worried,


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2013)

n-ick said:


> Be worried, very worried,
> View attachment 28763


With three a day in me I must be a genius, I often have deep thoughts some times while ferreting out belle button lint.
I will have to work on my "my word you are a total waist of carbon and I begrudge the oxygen you are using tone of voice while on the phone" there must be a night school class I can enrol on.


----------



## byegad (4 Sep 2013)

To feed a brain, first you must have a brain, and I don't mean on the mantelpiece in a jar!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2013)

byegad said:


> To feed a brain, first you must have a brain, and I don't mean on the mantelpiece in a jar!


On my brain scans I have moor active areas than most people, the brain pils calm thing down a bit but stimulate other bits.
I did ask if they could chop the offending bit out!

The schools are back so the traffic is once again mad I still think trike riders should be allowed to Cary recoil les shot guns and be allowed to bag a brace of dangerous motorists a week.


----------



## byegad (4 Sep 2013)

So in your moor active areas do you keep Grouse and go shooting at the weekends with your lard-y dah friends?


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2013)

I've several people interested in shooting on the SBGG's brain moor. Any chance of some peasants to do the beating? Free sandwich and beer to the first 50 volunteers. (Don't worry dear readers, not supplied by the Yorkshire Ambassador's household.)


----------



## n-ick (6 Sep 2013)

Sounds like you'll be needing a pheasant plucker, almost added I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son. I'm good at plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Hurrah !


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2013)

Well, I'm plucked!


----------



## n-ick (7 Sep 2013)

Tester wanted ,


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2013)

Pluck the SBGG of his chestical mat. without the filling of all that fur he will be revealed as a 9 stone weakling who gets sand kicked in his face by followers of Mr Atlas.


----------



## n-ick (9 Sep 2013)

Tha ' may have reason,


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2013)

That's HIM the SBGG and he's on an upright! Is this a sign of a RECOVERY?


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Sep 2013)

I have switched over to my winter medication, it is the same as the Same but I put on woollen gloves to take the pils so it takes a lot longer to get them out of the packing.

I have been contemplating booking the holiday to palsprings us of a u alllll yeeeeeeea ha!
Then I got the final total of the cast £1254 + travel down south, they just said it! No easing up to it or hinting or anything. After a long pause I informed them I was not taking twelve people it would be just me and my essential medical equipment* apparently this was just for me to go...... And it is b&b.
I need to get a good sunny holiday as I have had the imaginary twinges as "the metal is inside your leg the weather can't make any difference to it" apparently , so it must all be in my head, gosh there is a lot in there.



So if any one is sending over a disaster relief parcel to the poor people of Hollywood or hurricane hit Florida, a bit of extra brown paper and string and I could hitch a ride.

*lard, bananas, wheel chair two crutches, some lovely drugs that your brain and a old army blanket.


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2013)

Yet again an offer it is hard to refuse. For just £627 ish we can send the SBGG to America and bring down the Rebel Colonials and bring them back into the Empire!

Given Dave Cs recent problems with the USA maybe we can get the government to cough up. It'd be cheaper than sending 4500 men over to burn the White House, again! And cause more mayhem.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2013)

Apparently Dave C has upset the Left-ponders so much they have refused a Visa for the SBGG! Something to do with only humans can apply and, even then,not from countries who refuse to yap when their master calls on them to attack other countries.

All is not lost, as we can apply for an Animal Import Licence Incoming Non-human Genus. 
(Known as an AILING.) As the SBGG has been visibly AILING for years I'm hopeful that with the right shots, certificates and muzzle we can get him over their as Air Freight for £500, or by sea, in a sealed container, certified as airtight for only £250. 

As Dave is now desperate to get his own back on Obama, he is more than willing to supply the container, shots and fare for the sea voyage, on the solemn promise that he is willing to travel by sea. Can I suggest we post him as many bananas and as much lard as we can? It will give him the delusion that he will survive the voyage and if we nearly fill the container there's a chance he could die for lack of air before arrival.

Send to the SBGG C.O.D. to:-

Sun Bronzed Greek God,
Dunlurking,
Abattoir Back Lane,
Rawmarsh,
Rotherham,
The Peoples Republic of the West Riding,
God's Own County of Yorkshire
England 
S62 5FA


----------



## n-ick (10 Sep 2013)

Cheaper just to Gaffer tape the limbs together, insert the crutch to stabilise and fire off towards the east in a large cannon. If it landed in France it wouldn't be a bad thing.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2013)

I quite the French. But fire him at Belgium and you are on.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Sep 2013)

I am fancying Miami, I can use my grand dads demob suite with the sleeves being short as I am 5'11 on on side and 5' 1/4" on tuther and gran dad was 5'2" an I don't wear socks I will be all trendy like that new police program we just got on the televisual entertainment device, via redefusion distribution in conjunction with Yorkshire tv.
Bein ded posh like, I have three channels, I have bbc1 on a ferguson pieinear bbc2 on a Philips it still has the red and blue gun working so is a step up from black and white and one on the with adverts on it so I don't watch that one with all the subliminal messaging and that it might hypnotise me in to opening my purse and as it takes a long time for the fly wheel to get up to speed and takes a lot of effort to peddle that fast.
If I just read the program scripts and reenact the program with sock puppets it is moor entertaining and cheaper on the electric.


----------



## n-ick (12 Sep 2013)

The evenings must fly by like a funeral dirge in SSGG towers. It is well known that the televisual device not only decays the brain by inactivity , but leads also to confused ill iteration . Best filling it with water, add goldfish , then turn it back on for illumination.


----------



## byegad (13 Sep 2013)

Perhaps he'll get eaten by a Nallygate-her if he goes there. Smothered in lard and covered in chestical hair he could easily be miss take hen for a nanimal and snapped up. Today's SBGG tomorrow's alligator poo!


----------



## byegad (13 Sep 2013)

I meant to mention. Apparently the Royal family is looking for another residence for their summer holidays. Once Scotland becomes officially a foreign country they feel they shouldn't use Balmoral, which will revert to its previous use as a lunatic asylum.

I 'happen to have heard' that they are looking at a place in Yorkshire*. Phil' the Greek is a card and has already promised to dress in the local manner** in clogs, flat cap and have a damp Woodbine hanging from the corner of his mouth.

*Similar to Scotland as in famously mean, although we do it better and think of the Scots as profligate wastrels, lots of moorland for slaughtering peasants, pheasants and grouse and so far from London that the cabinet will never find them in the event of a national crisis. 

**No more wearing skirts made of scratchy wool apparently is being touted around the rest of the family by Phil and Liz.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Sep 2013)

byegad said:


> I meant to mention. Apparently the Royal family is looking for another residence for their summer holidays. Once Scotland becomes officially a foreign country they feel they shouldn't use Balmoral, which will revert to its previous use as a lunatic asylum.
> 
> I 'happen to have heard' that they are looking at a place in Yorkshire*. Phil' the Greek is a card and has already promised to dress in the local manner** in clogs, flat cap and have a damp Woodbine hanging from the corner of his mouth.
> 
> ...


I have had some letters requesting I stay some where and it would be her majesty's pleasure, it sounds like the perfect holiday and if her and her bit of fluff she picked up on a Greek holiday want to come here they are welcome to the pull out sofa any time.

The holiday plans are hitting a wall, the offspring are getting interested in coming! Apparently they worry about me going of to "foreign places" by my self. I told them as long as I can keep one of my vests on (string one is the base of my onsonble and always followed by wool, silk, and hemp) it will still be a little bit of Yorkshire wherever I go.*
As long as I take a puncture kit, umbrella, bivvi tarp, wooly jumper, lard, brown paper, string and tin of haggis every thing is covered. If I am running low on money I can sit out side posh hotels in my wheelchair looking sad, hungry and swearing gibberish until they pay me to go away.

This also works in the office the boss told me that they are actually paying me to stay away from the office and despite every cut back there has been they keep finding budget to keep me away three days a week, they even keep giving my lap top computer to other people so I have some thing to do on a Tuesday morning going around the building looking for it. This is good exorcise and I get about seeing new and interesting things, helping other staff sort out problems for them.

*following the ratification of the modernisation of the Yorkshire mans holiday dress code. the local sect elders, meeting in the back of't pub after long discussions three pints and two pickled eggs each, have approved a bandana as a knotted hanky substitute, provided the string vest is not removed.
the discussion on woollen socks and sandals got very heated one elder said five words in a row! Any thing above two is considered oratory, frowned upon as wasteful and extravagant. then he picked up his change from the table** this is a massive insult.

**this should always be left at the side of your glass as a show of trust among equals, besides every one know if a move was mad to pick it up they would loose several fingers or worse get a head shake and a tut flowed by shin mashing kick with hob nailed clogs)


----------



## n-ick (16 Sep 2013)

Tha' Universe is strange and perverse indeed. I cannot fathom such existence and unworldly expedients. I fact it is a state of confabulation that has overcome my normal boring three dimensional existence.
Is there room on planet Yorkshire for lower life forms or even. A day trip to view the habitants ?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Sep 2013)

n-ick said:


> Tha' Universe is strange and perverse indeed. I cannot fathom such existence and unworldly expedients. I fact it is a state of confabulation that has overcome my normal boring three dimensional existence.
> Is there room on planet Yorkshire for lower life forms or even. A day trip to view the habitants ?
> View attachment 29343



Mere miner functionerys my come for day trips and short stays, prepare to have your mind expanded by the forward thrusting Yorkshire think tank.
Recently thunk up stuff, like.

Putting thatched roofs ont, trolley buses to keep rain off and gi sum-weer fu yon birds to nest.* one of the members invented "up" in his youth but has been working hard for the last 40years on his Thierry off circulating ten bobs, he reckons if tha cud track all ten bobs circulating in today's economy tha would be reight clever like. 
It is a bit complicated but his main research has bee in the book makers at the end of the road, explaining the main dribble of the argument, it basically boils down to "if tha could track every ten bob that's had in thy hand you'd know who grabin greasy buggers are strait off un they'd bi first uns agen wall cum't revolution" I think, as I am not fluent in drunk rambling dialect. 

*the gob shitehalk it a parallel evolutionary equivalent to the ox pecker birds seen on the African savanna picking ticks from antelope. The shitehalk work industries lay ont local folk who sit out side there council pyramids and attract the birds by throwing shiny empty larger cans in the garden.


----------



## byegad (16 Sep 2013)

As an Ambassador for Yorkshire I must point out dear reader that we, the goodly and great of the county (For that matter even the ungoodly and not so great!) think this man being is madder than an infinitely large box full of frogs and certainly not representative of the human, or any other living thing, inhabitants God's Own County of Yorkshire, even the West Riding!*

Furthermore we are looking actively at removing his entitlement breathe of God's Own County of Yorkshire's air. The only reason this has not been yet done is the constant bickering about the possibility/advisability/imperative of removing his right to breathe, full stop.

*Always regarded as suspect within the other two Ridings of the County due to their unfortunate proximity with a certain Western County who's name, spoken out loud or written down will cause all good Yorkshire folk to spit and mutter rude words. It begins with the letter between K and M.


----------



## n-ick (16 Sep 2013)

Kornwall ?


----------



## byegad (16 Sep 2013)

Do they have a red rose as county symbol?


----------



## n-ick (18 Sep 2013)

Ah see what you mean , can't think anywhere with this on their pennant


----------



## byegad (18 Sep 2013)

What a shower we have to deal with on this forum. Pull tha' sen together young Cur.


----------



## n-ick (19 Sep 2013)

I cannae take much more cap'n , all this connertations and mispely sintax I'd doing Ma' heed in.


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2013)

Beam him up Spotty!


----------



## Scoosh (19 Sep 2013)

What gives you the idea/ impression that anywhere else wants him ?


----------



## byegad (20 Sep 2013)

Nothing wrong with Nick, a fine example of a human being, if a little strange after exposure to the true awfulness of the SBGG. With care and good food he'll be OK!


----------



## Scoosh (20 Sep 2013)

Aaaah ! - exposure ... (nods sagely) ...

How can one arrange for the SBGG to get "care and good food" as you advocate ? 

Could this be the panacea which has been sought for so long - the final piece of the jigsaw to complete THE RECOVERY ??


----------



## byegad (20 Sep 2013)

No!! Not the SBGG but Nick poor chap needs care and good food. Somewhere a long way from the SBGG, why do you think he keeps going to Skye?

The SBGG needs to be locked in a nice padded cell with the door welded shut and the key melted down. Not for his sake you understand, but for the sanity of humanity.

A plan to smuggle him into Syria disguised as a Chemical weapon shell came to nought. But we are still plotting.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2013)

byegad said:


> No!! Not the SBGG but Nick poor chap needs care and good food. Somewhere a long way from the SBGG, why do you think he keeps going to Skye?
> 
> The SBGG needs to be locked in a nice padded cell with the door welded shut and the key melted down. Not for his sake you understand, but for the sanity of humanity.
> 
> A plan to smuggle him into Syria disguised as a Chemical weapon shell came to nought. But we are still plotting.


Howdy, I have received a missive from the us embassy yeaall, the letter from the doctor did the trick dagnabit and I will be permitted in.
some one from the state department will be giving me a letter to carry for my brain pils, I can only take exactly what I am prescribed + 2 days worth in case of delays.

They have things called " conventions " like minded people meet up , they have them for every kind of hobby, life style and disease there is. One weekend when I am out there one is on "up the road a'peace boy! Yeeha" * it is some thing to do with bears. I have several teddy bears one is too preshess to take as my late daddy made it for me when I was one week old, it looks a bit deformed as one ear is on back to front and he has a big scar running at forty five degrease across his belly where the stuffing was put in, now I think about it he dose look a bit on the menacing side. So it would be the blue bell wood pirate teddy, I will take he has a leather waist cote with tiny studs in it an eye patch and red spotted bandana on. G day cobber n throw another shrimp on the barby.



*i almost sound like a native now as I have been practicing at work on the phones, as I want to blend in so I can observe the habits and interactions of the locals.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2013)

I will be crossing over to the west to the place that should not be named* to start my trip, should I take glass beads and cooking pots to barter with the natives? 
What injections should I have?
Will the water be safe to drink?
Should I take one of the family's ancestral tea bags?


* the war is not over! Peace just keeps braking out, for no apparent reason.


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2013)

It was nice knowing you. I happen to know that they are expecting you and have planned a surprise trip to a nice Island retreat where you'll get free Hi-Viz coveralls and free food for the duration of your stay life. I know who informed the Colonists of your plans to rule terrorise the world, but promised myself that I wouldn't tell anyone that is was me. 

P.S. Take the ancestral Teabag and as the years drag by you'll have something to remember Yorkshire by, and it will come in handy in the toilets too! 
P.P.S. Don't bend down in the showers if you drop the soap. 
P.P.P.S. During the two on one question and answer sessions fun quizzes that will happen regularly during the first few months of your stay, do tell the nice Colonialists that you are board and would like some water. They'll know how to treat this request. And try to take big deep breaths. Before they give you the water.

Safe outward journey, and farewell.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Sep 2013)

The rug rats are insisting I get insured! As even I am worth a lot of money chopped up and sold for. Sapir parts they keep bashing on about a man waking up in a bath with no kidneys.

I am now fretting that with only a 32kg +10kg luggage allowance will I be able to take the three a day be bananas and a box of all bran a day with me, 3 nanas x 21 + 21 boxes of all-bran, 3 socks* two vests, two pants**, one shirt, three sets of cardboard cuffs and colours***, 1lb lard sun tanning/hair slicking/anti chafing for the use of and I have to save room for the free life vest the give us on the plain.
Aaaaaaaaarg!

I need a gentleman's, gentleman to do all this for me then help me disrobe and become horizontal beside a palm encrusted beach, not drag every thing I own into the back of beyond like some bewheeled Pack animal hang the expense that will get three !!! 




* one as a impromptu mankini 
**inside out back to front will give me 12 days before I have to give them a swish in the swimming pond.
***all-brn boxes can be cut up to replace them


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2013)

To employ a Gentleman's Gentleman, first you have to be a Gentleman. What you want is a Sun Bronzed Geek God's Acolyte. Preferably one with the ability to see what you imagine rather than what he sees. 

Good luck, but perhaps a visit to the local secure hospital will turn up a likely candidate.


----------



## n-ick (25 Sep 2013)

Is he going to LANCASHIRE ?
I know several longbow protagonists keen for a rematch.


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2013)

Apparently he is going to the colonies. I'm wondering if this 'holiday' is a government sponsored one? Deportation is a good option.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2013)

Good news everyone. I signed the SBGG up for the one-way Mars trip and he's been selected. 

Apparently they felt a planet-idiot  would balance the rest of the well balanced and intrepid crew and help them avoid boredom on the long trip and once they get their.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2013)

Their is one condition.

They are only taking couples. Speicher are you up for it?


----------



## byegad (27 Sep 2013)

Anybody got some smelling salts to wake Speicher? I think she's fainted. Either it was the excitement, or more likely shock!


----------



## Scoosh (27 Sep 2013)

I suspect she's run a mile or three ... and is still going ...


----------



## Speicher (28 Sep 2013)

Scoosh said:


> I suspect she's run a mile or three ... and is still going ...


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2013)

Glad to see the shock wasn't fatal Speicher. Plan B will need to be put into operation. We'll kidnap a female and bundle her into the capsule just before launch. Sadly Maggie's dead, that would have killed two birds with one stone! 

Suggestions for a female the world can do without will be gratefully accepted.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Sep 2013)

On a number of occasions now I


byegad said:


> Apparently he is going to the colonies. I'm wondering if this 'holiday' is a government sponsored one? Deportation is a good option.


the men in the dark blue suites that always have sun glasses on say the information about WOMD they are going to give me immunity*.

It is a long story starting with a ansester he was a night soil magnet, despising of / recycling can be lucrative. He produced saltpeter used in tanning and black powder.

Keeping up the traditions has been a labor of love involving surreptitiously siphoned pub waste a barrel and a straw bail I did make some g@@ powder for a demonstration at the local historic arms club** 
They maintain, collect and demonstrate historic weapons. Take part in smooth bore shooting competitions and faf about wearing odd clothing, I fit right in with them.
Bewigged and tighted with a ostrich feather in my large brimmed hat I cut a dashing stumble with a bit of a limp figure. As I commanded a crack devision*** of troops against the dastardly round heads....... We lost! But with stile and elegance. 

Also being of sound mind I have a healthy interest in politics and have been on a lot of political marches/ trike trundles some time by my self.





[/URL]

There letting me in....


*pointless I had my flue jab last week!
**all the members are recognisable by the black powder burns on there faces 
***one caretaker two bus drivers three shop workers the fearsome lads from IT some chaps from the bin lorries (very fit from running around after bin lorries they fell of the back of and merciless in a fight) two of the customer counter staff lady's (I think they some time loose track of who the enemy are and randomly bash any one including fence posts, gates themselves and each other, I am begging to think they may have issues)


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2013)

The pills don't appear to be working.

Or in SBGG-speak

t't pilz downt apeir two bee wokin.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Sep 2013)

I am having problems with the replacement umbra dead brain pils, some odd Sid affects some of the bike club lads say I sort-of drift of and aether carry on as though no time has passed or to me it is like time has jumped, the doc says they might be a kind of fit they have always come on at a around 11:30pm when I am very worn out .

It never happened with the branded brain pickledeluxe ones


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2013)

How did they notice? Sounds normal for Rawmarsh to me.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Oct 2013)

byegad said:


> How did they notice? Sounds normal for Rawmarsh to me.


The last time I was propped up in my usual spot between a old duke box and a one armed bandit one of the thrash metal band who mid number leans off the stage and shoved me back up against the wall as I slowly did the plank of wood falling down impression I have perfected recently, said it was very impressive as far as failed falling over goes.
Versus methods of making money of my affliction have been postulated most involve a can of bronze spray paint and every time I pours for thought or contemplation I am surrounded by a forest of video cameras. 
I did point out it may be considered picking on the infirm, after a quizzical look around the consensus was naaaaaaa you don't count!

Sneaky measurements have been made of the wheelchair, muttering and long looks at the electric hoist for working on the Harley bikes have not gone un noticed.

You know for a Bunch of hells angels they can be a bit daft or that might be all the drugs making me think that.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2013)

I wonder what you pour in order to think? 

"I did point out it may be considered picking on the infirm, after a quizzical look around the consensus was naaaaaaa you don't can't count!"

FTFY


----------



## Speicher (2 Oct 2013)

In order to do thinking, I pour myself a cup of coffee or tea.




Or Hot Chocolate


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Oct 2013)

Speicher said:


> In order to do thinking, I pour myself a cup of coffee or tea.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have minions to do that for me, some times I get them to drink it for me.

Prechewing is still beyond them but I have been looking for some chewing pliers, as used by the rich when bygad was a foot man for Mary antenatal that frog bird, she was claimed to be quite petulant / bit of a cow but her biography was written by chaps with a bit of an agenda !

Having decided to do some manscaping for laying about in the sun on my hols and doing a bit of online research, I don't think I would survive back waxing a quick estimate came in at three figures! As I am quite hirsute and blessed with lustres back hair.
Lard and a razor might be a option or a tiny lawn mower.


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2013)

Our local council, or coonsel as they say in the Frozen North, have offered to mow the SBGG any time we can kidnap him and the whole cutting fleet will run over him in formation. This is an offer we can hardly refuse. 

P.S. Will all those readers who would like a souvenir morsel of the SBGG (Perhaps to hang above the door in order to frighten the locals, or to go into the Mother-in-Laws portion of curry.) let me know and for a very reasonable price, plus P&P*, I'll post it to them.

Which as we all know will benefit the newly privatised Royal Mail, so it will be exorbitant.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2013)

Being you average yorkshire man I begrudge paying to have myself and the dog trimmed besides I can save the hair and stuff a mattress with it.

So plans are afoot I have had a go on the dog with first the knapping shears then the electric trimmers. Very good for a first attempt I think, there are only three bald patches no blood and a good half a pillow case of trimmings.

I was going to phone the airline today about something but can't remember what, so I phoned up and asked why I was phoning? She was very nice and said that they don't deliver sacks of best reds or leaks! I did point out that as I can get ten paracetamol cheaper at the town hall they have lost a valued customer. 
Why my eldest insist I record all my dealing on the phone is to stop confusion just like this, she said it will help? Help what I don't know but it is nice to think all my sprogs are looking out for me.

God I love pils there ded googppppjio

Kikmj955. Gyn


----------



## n-ick (5 Oct 2013)

View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ToQ0n3itoII&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DToQ0n3itoII


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2013)

n-ick said:


> View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ToQ0n3itoII&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DToQ0n3itoII



Tumm tee tumm tee tumm tummy teed idly deeeeeeeeeee..""
Hoooooooo W it 'twas a skrigly night when with his nurfuls thrown betwixt his grindle arrrrr hero did a strut


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2013)

One full hour of crunches leg lifts and general body core work then a one hour trudge on the recumbent no one expects the Spanish Inquisition bike with a preprogrammed work out the mafia use when they want to get information out of people.
This was easy in comparison to one lap of Asda* trolley rage, being shoved out of the way as I was reaching out to pick some thing up of the shelve and only one till wide enough to get through and don't get me going on trying to get in a wide parking space near the door.
Calm soothing thought ummmm ummm soggy mattress ummmm ummm soggy mattress ummmm ummm soggy mattress ,......

*a establishment I would not normally go to but had to pick up some photographs.


----------



## Speicher (7 Oct 2013)

I symphonise with your avoidance of large unsupermarkets. I was in a large unsupermarket back in June 2006, and have not visited a large one since. With the notabell excepshun to procure my favouritest chocolate aka Green and Blacks, cos it is less xpensive in Asda's than Elsewhere's. 

Peoples are sooooo wude, and I get pushied and shovied out of the way by persons wishing to trample me while they try to buy the entire stock at eleventy million miles an hour.

Fortunately in the far west of west Worcestershire, we have traditional ye olde shoppes, such as Ye Bakers, Ye Butchers, and Ye Greengrocers etc, although, long lamentations, we have no Candle Stick Maker! Fortunately, being this far west, it gets darkly so much later than in the rest of the country. 

There is also Ye Olde Ironmongers, similar in style to the one that Mr Barker attempted to purchase fork handles. I may, if I so wish so, at this highly esteemed establishment, procure one bolt or one hinge, cos they sell such items loosely rather than in impenentreble plasticky packetty wrapping.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2013)

Woosestershyre sounds very Olde Worlde. 

Meanwhile the whole of Norfolk is like that, but then they are 50 years behind the rest of the country.


----------



## n-ick (8 Oct 2013)

We're still in the Wars of the Roses here. 
Great excitement in August with the 2 day hog roast and there's the reenactment of the crucificion to look forward to.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Oct 2013)

We have two of every brand of charity shop, five types of cash converters / gold buying / pay day lone places, I have lost count of the phone shops..
Some very doggy market stalls! A mc sh!ts and a halal burger van.

The council recently sold all it's town centre office blocks, the library and the museum to Tesco who are knocking the lot down moving the bypass to build a massive super store and car park....... Ho what joy!


----------



## n-ick (8 Oct 2013)

Tha ' could be a monopedal trolley dolly , like tha' royal ancester,


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Oct 2013)

n-ick said:


> Tha ' could be a monopedal trolley dolly , like tha' royal ancester,
> View attachment 30561


What a handsome chap did he also ride a metal horse? 


I have come to the conclusion after putting it of for several years my Thursday under pants are no longer serviceable, so I have taken 20 shillings out of the volt, if I get a compleat set of 8 one for every day of the week I can use the left over money for a slap up lunch, extravagant I know but I have to spoil myself now and again.

Apparently shops no longer take animal skins as payment! What happened? When one all manly and rugged strode in to the local men's outfitters with a bundle of pelts dried tanned and stretched, time effort and large quantities of urine had gone in to there preparation, now bits of dead animal vaguely smelling of wee are not welcome in exchange for good and services. 

I will post up pictures of them superbly modelled perhaps in some seasonal setting some one might make a calendar out of them.


----------



## byegad (10 Oct 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> I have come to the conclusion after putting it of for several years my Thursday under pants are no longer serviceable, so I have taken 20 shillings out of the *volt**, if I get a compleat set of 8 one for every day of the week I can use the left over money for a slap up lunch, extravagant I know but I have to *spoil*** myself now and again.



* Shocking news indeed. Ohm very impressed.
** I'd say you succeeded some time ago.


----------



## Speicher (10 Oct 2013)

What is just the Thursday under pants that are no longer serviceable? Dare I ask what happens on Thursdays?


----------



## n-ick (10 Oct 2013)

That's when they plug him in and test his moleskin trousers.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Oct 2013)

Speicher said:


> What is just the Thursday under pants that are no longer serviceable? Dare I ask what happens on Thursdays?


You know it is a bit of a mystery that, I never quite got the hang of Thursdays! The other days pants are not far behind Thursdays but with moor hole than see through pant parts in strategic locations began... Eric popping out!
After 16years of service they are retiring to the duster draw.

The new ones have cartoons, spongy bobby, truss formers a slogan on one proclaims they are my zombie hunting pants, the spangly red thong will be my Thursday replacement. 

They have rompers for grown ups now, they have a obvious flaw in there design though! No trap door round the back. It proclaimed on the liable ideal for festivals! I would like to see some one battling to get out of one to "sit and think hard" at two am in a claustrophobic portapotty after living on festival grub and lots of Booz, there like the north face of a cold place and have biting insects riding the thermals of the potty. A emergency exit would solve this and you would not have to compleatlay disrobe if you want to show you bum on stage.

I almost got a new t shirt but bottled out in the line to pay it was £4, I sat there sweating hart racing blood pumping but could not do it. Having spent £14/10s on pants £3 13s 7d on refreshments as my offspring refused to get the flask and sandwiches* out in front of the pound land. £1 five tooth brushes £1 glue £1 replacement stick on tash.

The eldest is now going on about redecorating "gasp" an estimate of around £150 is muted, when the other two brought me around with a cold flannel and a whiff of a five pound note, I put my foot down they have £40 and the wood chip is stoping. So I have given her my debit card to pay for the stuff.

They did fantastically well looking at all the stuff they have brought in from there car, there must be a sale on, I can't get to look at it as it was all taken up in to the small bed room, I can't get up there. I am a bit worried I don't handle change well it gets me all of balance.

New pants, a lick of magnolia and they gave me kippers for tea, Instead of my Wednesday marmalade, marmite and pickled fish on rye bred. The walls of my world are crashing down, could this be the beginning of the end of the begging?


*potted dog, dripping and egg wrapped in greats proof and news paper.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Oct 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> New pants, a lick of magnolia and they gave me kippers for tea, Instead of my Wednesday marmalade, marmite and pickled fish on rye bred. The walls of my world are crashing down, could this be the beginning of the end of the begging?



I got up this morning and the world is mostly intact*, so it must be the beginning of the end of the end of the beginning. 
*unless the universe is just a very long or short but very detailed illusination I just imagined after falling off my nuclear powered intergalactic roller skates should helmets be compulsory when roller-skating?


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2013)

Nuclear powered intergalactic roller skates? You might be on thin ice there.


----------



## Speicher (11 Oct 2013)

* rescues a very  and wet Mark from the icy water *

Now I will have to find a hot drink and hot pie to warm him up.


----------



## byegad (11 Oct 2013)

byegad said:


> * Shocking news indeed. Ohm very impressed.





n-ick said:


> That's when they plug him in and test his moleskin trousers.



Apparently they found he forgot to peel the Moles! They've been eating his leg muscles for years. Serves him right for not changing his underwear more often.


----------



## n-ick (13 Oct 2013)

Surely there must have been room for mole traps. As a fully qualified pest control officer he would no doubt be able to combat all similar trouser infestations such as crabs, moles and vagrants.

It is small wonder that the environs of Rawmarsh have not become overrun with such since the onset of monopedalism. On a positive note a surfeit of lampreys would work miracles on body parts.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Oct 2013)

I thought one put ferrets down one's trousers to catch things like moles ?


----------



## n-ick (14 Oct 2013)

That's an urbane myth.


----------



## byegad (14 Oct 2013)

Not an urbane Mithta?


----------



## n-ick (15 Oct 2013)

Your choice mystro,
http://list25.com/25-most-popular-urban-legends-still-being-told/


----------



## byegad (15 Oct 2013)

Oh I love Mystronee soup.


----------



## n-ick (16 Oct 2013)

Oh no !


----------



## byegad (16 Oct 2013)

Nice self portrait Nick.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Oct 2013)

I am not going to put minglstruni soup down my trousers, it is silly and might leak......

Mole skin trousers are not made from moles odd that. I could just start calling my slacks elephant skin trousers!

I have to take my turn at winding the elastic band on the aeroplane we all have to do 10 hrs of winding so next week we don't run out of twang mid Atlantic..... Gosh I hope we don't hit an iceberg, havering a sun bronzed Greek god like hunk on the flight is almost shouting at the universe "look hunky hero type on this airplane he needs a peril to be heroic n like save every one".

Packing has commenced I am taking a brand new still in the wrapper best monogrammed hanky to knot and put on t head, desert dockers with extra thick wool socks deserts can get cold at night, a string vest this allows the body to breath, tea bags, I will melt some lard and fill one of my crutches up with it so if we land on an iceberg I can live of that and not have to start chewing on the dead people.

In a potential survival situation one has to plan ahead.

Should I take some bog roll? And tins of haggis? How should one address the locals "I say colonial minion, chap do pick up my bag" how can you tel the lumpy jumpers from the non lumpy jumpers if they don't have jumpers on?


----------



## n-ick (16 Oct 2013)

Certain parts of the world still practice cannibalism, perhaps tha' should halve the cost of a trip with a one way ticket and an invitation for dinner.


----------



## byegad (17 Oct 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> I am not going to put minglstruni soup down my trousers, it is silly and might leak......
> 
> Mole skin trousers are not made from moles odd that.* I could just start calling my slacks elephant skin trousers!**
> 
> ...



* I heard that last time you called your trousers they came running.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Oct 2013)

You know 4am is the perfect time to catch up on your list!

Every one has one who they think should be first against the wall come the revolution.
It could be starting soon there running around with machetes chopping bit off people down the road, or they are practising for when the zombies are walking about.

God I love drugs...


----------



## byegad (18 Oct 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> You know 4am is the perfect time to catch up on your list!
> 
> Every one has one who they think should be first against the wall come the revolution.
> It could be starting soon there running around with machetes chopping bit off people down the road, or they are practising for when the zombies are walking about.
> ...



Yes but she died. (#Ding dong the witch is dead#) So now, in a purely democratic 'all in it together' spirit, I have a round robin of people who should be put against the wall come the revolution.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Oct 2013)

The communist manifesto on lebrevox (talking books) I highly recommend this while hobbling about the house at 4 "yes there are two 4 o'clocks ".

Gosh cold damp and according to the quacks imaginary mettle bits moving about in your bones.
I went and woke up one of the lads to run down and get some of them lovely drugs, misery loves company! He was sort of walking awake / zombie mode but the remote control voice commands worked, I got my drugs. He can't remember getting up....

Now I wonder if I wake him up again tomorrow I might be able to get him to clean out the gutters or paint the back bedroom when he is in this walking dead state. Could this be classed as child cruelty?


----------



## n-ick (18 Oct 2013)

Yes.
Don't go eating choccy s either.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Oct 2013)

It is good for him, stops him getting bored, keeps him fit and is above all cheep. If I just feed him a week porridge and a can of spam now and again I could take on contracts for night work.

I could do a line in subliminal training tapes so every one could have remote control over there kids, cups of tea on demand, no nagging to clean there room, long foot pedicures, instead of the brutal attack with nail clippers grudgingly performed to pining sounds of shrapnel hitting the lamp shade.

I am fretting a bit, I have stocked the freezer and fridge there are plenty of tins and bags of dog food* how much money should I leave them? 

*cheaper than tinned pie filling and they have never complained


----------



## n-ick (19 Oct 2013)

Beyond imagination.
My dog has no nose.


----------



## Speicher (21 Oct 2013)

I have read elseswear on this forum, that Lordly Byegad is packing a sooty case for his jollidays. Are Mark and his Lordshipment going on Jollidays together, sez I wonderingly? 

If I quickly pack a sooty case, can I join them? 

I belong to the lumpy jumper variety, but I am able to package a small suitcase. Six trousies, and tops etc, but just two pairs of shoeses, nor do I need to take half the contents of the local Bootsies clock food supply.


----------



## byegad (21 Oct 2013)

Well I can state categorically that the chances of my travelling with the SBGG to any destination except the one that re-admits him to the secure wing of the horse spit al. They have, however, stated that after last time they'll only do this if he promises to keep his trousers on. OR of course if a court so orders it.

Meanwhile I'm back from a very enjoyable break in Wooler YH with a bunch of great people at Bike Right. So my future travel plans are on hold pending the resolution of the 'Where shall we go next year' great debate. Lady Byegad has a fancy for somewhere in the UK, which narrows it down a bit.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Oct 2013)

Skegness....

Bygad in a damp caravan in Skegness surrounded by thousands of kids all hoped up on sugar all with new foot balls. Coming back from the tots disco at 2am with mam and dad shouting the random laughing of the lumpy jumpers that sound like a square egg laying hen impersonator in full cry.

Is not the place but the "lovely" booze sodden :;/£/&:'%#*€$¥%*~€ bags that frequent the place. 

That was a payed advertisement brought to you by the Skegness tourist board. 

Now back to the normal programming.

Your all welcome on my trip, apparently I have a room that should sleep 6 so proper cycling types we should get 43 in 47 if bygad int coming ( as he never goes anywhere without his flunkies ) the problem is getting every one in the luggage.
If every one went on a crash diet and the odd superfluous limb was hacked of I would be able to squeeze a head in my case* so I have come up with a cunning plan........ A virtual holiday.
Ok I have three helmet cams secreted about my self and live feed it through the tinternet you lot sit under a sun lamp with a long cold drink, watching through three d glasses or put three Tvs around you. No messing about in airports quest unable bed sheets foreigners and the food.
A small charge my be levied to cover bandwidth costs expenses ect.... 

*i know this for a fact, the zipper marks on my lads neck will disappear over time but the viral video will go on for ever.


----------



## n-ick (23 Oct 2013)

I volunteer not to come .


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2013)

Get in the queue young Nick! I was first not to go!

A long list of those not going can be obtained, price £50,000 from the Census Office, Cromwell Road, London. Postage for this weighty document makes up £49,920 of the charge. It is after all a list of almost everyone in the UK.


----------



## Speicher (23 Oct 2013)

I am undecideded about going or not going.


----------



## n-ick (23 Oct 2013)

Shouldn't sit on the fence, there be splinters !


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2013)

Bum! Bum!


----------



## n-ick (24 Oct 2013)

I hear that going to Ely is almost the same as going to Poland. In search of exotica I can think of no finer place for the SBGG to hang out. Not only can't he speak the language , but the water is quite undrinkable , tasting of Vodka.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Oct 2013)

I am here , we'll am always here but here, here in the us!

At 90c with this hot bright thing in the sky, I asked some one what it was he mumbled about Australian loons and wondered off.
The heat plays havoc with my dripping sandwidge stock it is a good job I have warped them up in greaseproof paper I may have to start eating the local food. I am not keen, non of the vegetables look Gray you can have cheese on anything, all the fruit looks like it is made from plastic, shine and all the same.
They have security guards at some posh dining "experience" places, some one needs a chat with one, he whispered to me the place is crap and pointed out a fantastic Mexican street vender up the road who was a lot better, he even pushed me most of the way over to it.

The electric plugs look odd but with a bit of determination I managed to plug my phone charger in, you would think with it being so hot they would be able to open the window! The black mark soon wiped of the wall and they got the electric back on very fast.

The FBI are here for all the bikers I think They think they are under cover but they might as well have a brass band following them with a chap shouting make way for the FBI.

The local who stand near the bus stop at the end of town says I am "rad man" he has lots of friends and they must be in some club to do with maths, some one comes up and says " you got a eighth man" then he give them a number. It hardly ever rains here so all the people have there furniture out side the house, they keep wanting to hang things up.
Today when having a not sit down I had my under pant showing as with loosing 4" of my waist my short are at half mast it must have set a trend of as I keep seeing lads copying me.


----------



## Speicher (26 Oct 2013)

I am pleased that I decided, after muchly deliberations, not to go. The mere idea of all that plasticky fruit and cheeeese with everything is very off putting. 

As for not being able to open a window, that would be a pane.


----------



## byegad (26 Oct 2013)

We are pleased that Speicher exhibited some good sense at last and stayed away. The idea of him warping her in grease-proof paper makes the mind, and imagination boggle.


----------



## n-ick (27 Oct 2013)

Doesn't sound like Blackpool to me. Suggest that if the blighter is out of the country that all defences be raised to exclude.


----------



## byegad (27 Oct 2013)

We should ring the USAish Embassy and tell them he's a terrorist. I hear Cuba is warm!


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Oct 2013)

I froze my bananas all the rooms have a mini fridge, the las person to use this room turned it up to the max so I went to get my daily bananas and you could have pol axed a chip with one so I will have to eat them like a lolly while I am sitting at the bus stop.

Drinking lots of water is not the problem I thought it would be as I keep popping in to places and having iced tea, I did not know they grow tea in Long Island ! 

The pavements tend to slope a lot I did not rely notice this until mid afternoon yesterday as I found it impossible to 
Push in a straight line.

I am going to ride the bus again today to the next town over they have a walmart google the people that go to walmart video on YouTube.
Living the jet set life in the USA your corespondent for the BBC the crispy fried Greek god like.


----------



## n-ick (28 Oct 2013)

If I close my eyes and ignore the hot sunshine,

I can almost imagine myself there, NURSE !


----------



## byegad (29 Oct 2013)

QUICK HELP NICK! The SBGG Vortex has got him. 


NNICCKK!!


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Oct 2013)

I never made it to Walmart, I got down to the place and there was a dust storm! I was not going to get off and get a gritty frozen banana.

The bar man up the road has a car from the 60s it is like new as there is no salt on the roads and he never takes it out when It rains.

Today I think I will go to the diner "they don't call them American diner here!" And have a steak for brake fast.
Frozen yogurt is popular here and they put massive amount of toppings on .


----------



## byegad (29 Oct 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> ...edit... I was not going to get off and get a gritty frozen banana.
> ...edit... and he never takes it out when It rains. ...edit...



Euphemisms galore here!


----------



## n-ick (31 Oct 2013)

Wonder what they call a Big Mac ?


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2013)

That's a huge ginger headed guy in a skirt.


----------



## n-ick (2 Nov 2013)

No, I think you'll find that'll be one Rebecca Brooks. Shortly to be detained at HM pleasure paid for by our tax. Hurrah.

Good job they didn't hack into the SSBG phone, they might have given up the will to exist.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Nov 2013)

n-ick said:


> Good job they didn't hack into the SSBG phone, they might have given up the will to exist.


The will for whom to exist ???


----------



## byegad (3 Nov 2013)

Well said Scoosh! 

I'd say the will for the SBGG and RB would be a win win for the greater good.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Nov 2013)

i got to walmarts .... you need a moped to go around it... and your pooteling along caned good, toiletry's, shot gun, kids toys. and they are all hooked on duck dynasty a hillbilly gun toting family. 

the food is good and i have only bought one meal every two days as they are massive and i get most of it to go but i could kill a GOOD cup of tea!
i keep finding money i the street as no one walks any that gets dropped blows down town and when i go out to get on the bus it is just waiting for me six dollars in the last two days! there is always money on the tables when i go in diners.

next i am going to have a go at explaining again the tea making.


----------



## byegad (4 Nov 2013)

The SBGG is picking up money from restaurant tables in a country where the population believe in their right to carry guns.


We can but hope!


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Nov 2013)

Aaaaaarg I have broken a caster, I had just slowed down at the bottom of the hill and caught a irregularity in the drop down to mount the "side walk" .

Today I am going to the local wheelchair Imporiom to try and get a replacement, looking online quickey have some good ones that I can have shipped next day delivery, if I go up size to 8" from 3" with the reduced rolling resistance I may increase my PB of 21mph the nice police man was very impressed he said he could wright it down for me. 

Last night in the night club one of the artiests/ dancers Roxy, took a shine to me and kept coming over and sitting on my knee to have a chat, she is saving up for collage to become a vet.

She unfortunately had no idea how to make a proper cup of tea so I informed her of the proses, I don't think Roxy will do well at university as she did not grasp the proses she said " she don't do nothing kinky" after I explained again she brought me a rather pathetic mug of some thing tea like.


----------



## byegad (5 Nov 2013)

Sounds like the SBGG is making an impression on our ex-colony. So much for 'The Special Relationship' then!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2013)

I have the new casters on my chair now.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2013)

Weeeeeeee!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Nov 2013)

They are by whizzy, all black with three spokes with a hard compound tyre they feel faster and make the fake cobbled pavement ...... Entertaining ! 

The bus drivers find it entertaining when I beat them down town and some of the locals now recognise my Tarzan yodel as I take the short cut through a small shopping mall and make a path for me.

I have been introduced to a nice drink last night, I can't remember what it is called or how I got back here, I can remember that it is all full of natural healthy ingredients and has a sparkler and a paper umbrella with bits of fruit and herbage bobbing about.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Nov 2013)

Glad to see you're getting your 5-a-day ...


markg0vbr said:


> I have been introduced to a nice drink last night, I can't remember what it is called or how I got back here, I can remember that it is all full of natural healthy ingredients and has a sparkler and a paper umbrella with* bits of fruit and herbage bobbing about.*


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2013)

I wonder what the drink said when he was introduced.
?

Any suggestions for the drink's reply will be edifying.


----------



## byegad (6 Nov 2013)

I'll take the first stab. The drink said;

'I won't go in their, it looks unhygienic.'


----------



## n-ick (6 Nov 2013)

On the optimystic side , he might just have been staring down the toilet.


----------



## byegad (7 Nov 2013)

My toilet has never had (recognisable) bits of fruit or herbage in it. I suspect they were getting him drunk before the photos of him and the dog* were taken. I can reassure the SBGG that these photos, forwarded by a distant relative (His Great, Great Grandfather had to flee the country after a slight disagreement with the Revenue.) are perfectly safe and will never see the light of day, for as long as the payments arrive on time. 

*Enough to say that several USA States and most of the rest of the world, frown on such antics.


----------



## n-ick (8 Nov 2013)

I note with alarm that certain parts of the world eat dog.
Even worse, hot dog.


----------



## byegad (8 Nov 2013)

I am addressing the envelope in a minute in order to forward certain photographs to the American Authorities. The only thing that would stop me is if I suddenly had to go to the bank to

*CASH A CHEQUE!*

This is my last hint to the SBGG.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Nov 2013)

byegad said:


> I am addressing the envelope in a minute in order to forward certain photographs to the American Authorities. The only thing that would stop me is if I suddenly had to go to the bank to
> 
> *CASH A CHEQUE!*
> 
> This is my last hint to the SBGG.


If they are from the video that was ruining in a bar I wondered into on Friday gosh The coyote had signed a waver So in this state can legally do backflips wearing a pink frilly frock..

The chap who lives at myfaveret bus stop is rather chattery the trick is to string his sentences together 3 before 6, 7 before 1, every third 2 before 1except when he says man, the rest you slot in where they make-sense he is havering a bit of a problem with the lady who lives at the bus stop over the road as she says he has eaten her pastrami bicycle, I think she is a little hard to understand.

In local news a young lady crashed in to a tree so went to a house to ask for help, the home owner shot the lady, then called 911, so it all worked out in the end.


----------



## n-ick (11 Nov 2013)

By Jimminy ! Are we in a parallel Universe ? 
I have never heard such tales of exotica.
Has the dose been upped ?


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2013)

Universe corrupted. Reboot?


Y/N?


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2013)

Reboot fail.

Blue screen of death and disc failure imminent. 


Shut down system and contact support.


----------



## byegad (12 Nov 2013)

Save files?
Y/N?

Accepted

Delete SBGG file and keep others?

Y/N

Yes




....Rebooting.........


Please wait.


----------



## n-ick (12 Nov 2013)




----------



## markg0vbr (12 Nov 2013)

I had another go at a American breakfast, turkey stake with two eggs a cream cheese sauce, hash browns and a salty scone called a biscuit! 

It was Veterans Day with a big sort-of carnival fire works ect lots of fit elderly veterans and returning police/ fire men back from Vietnam II* the rerun.
But not one disabled service man or mention of the fallen, cheerleaders, marching bands, flag wavers. Having participated in a lot of Remembrance Day marches I fond this very odd you would think a country that has turned up late for or lost every war they have had a go at they would not be so up beat about killing lots of people!

The lack of tea is now becoming a problem, I have down loaded a how to video to my phone and show it to pubescent Latino serving staff, I still end up with a travesty of watery brownish liquid.

The good news is the spate of copy cat airport shootings have subsided, this I am told happens a lot some one runs around a school, church, shopping-mall. You then have half a dozen people think gosh that looks fun and have a go.

Unfortunately the pointless and obviously inept TSA are now frantically trying to look good so being in a wheelchair the pat down promises to be even more intimate than last time where bits and bobs got fondled and I did not even get diner or a bunch of flowers.


*the first one was a draw apparently.


----------



## byegad (13 Nov 2013)

Damn the reboot didn't work and we are still cursed by that well known trojan the SBGG. I'll contact Macrosoft and get them to repair the Multiverse. No doubt there'll be an update for other Universes to avoid contamination by the SBGG.


----------



## n-ick (14 Nov 2013)

I found this novelty amusement alarm clock , just thinking of an early Xmas for our man in Havana,




It even comes with it's own red cigars.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Nov 2013)

He's in Havana now ??? 

Maybe we should contact Our Man there ...


----------



## byegad (15 Nov 2013)

I like the way Nick is thinking. However I suspect that the Royal Mail people may disapprove of sending it in the post. Maybe we could send him the Anarchist's Cook Book suitably recovered with the recipe for Nitro Glycerine retitled 'Mind Expanding Drug'. With luck he will fall for this and blow himself and much of the USA up. That's a win/win then.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Nov 2013)

I am back .... In the uk !

I may be a bit imcolherunt jut lag n nn nnnng zzzZZ


----------



## byegad (16 Nov 2013)

OH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


----------



## Scoosh (16 Nov 2013)

Oh. 



Goody.


----------



## byegad (16 Nov 2013)

Scoosh you are a very sick puppy!


----------



## Scoosh (16 Nov 2013)




----------



## n-ick (17 Nov 2013)

_*"I am back .... In the uk !

I may be a bit imcolherunt jut lag n nn nnnng zzzZZ"
*_
Oh no ! The worse news since Noah opened a window and said " that looks like rain", or Nelson " I see no ships " or even worse.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Nov 2013)

It's jester day today and tea time is all not quite how it should be.

Lacking a exact definable tea time of the pancreas and I have lost track of my woollen socks for use with desert dockers, I need them for my trip to Spain.


----------



## n-ick (18 Nov 2013)

Ye gods above ! He's off to infect the civilized old world with insanitry.
At least they've got The Inquisition.


----------



## byegad (18 Nov 2013)

Hooray! Good News, he's going to Spain!


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Nov 2013)

My ultimate electric bike outside Walmart.


I am slowly adjusting back in to my old routine, fist shift back on the phones tomorrow. The local council-pyramid Dwellers will be pestering "I want","you have sent me a letter demanding I pay the £900 back rent I owe", " I can't pay for the replacement doors for the ones my boyfriend smashed, I am on benefit and have a 18month old baby" bla bla wine wine.

Ommmmmmm soggy mantra ommmmmm soggy mantra.

Why dose the toenails on my right foot grow faster than the left? On my toe nail clipping record chart* there is a pronounced difference !

*a record of when I book the clippers out.


----------



## n-ick (20 Nov 2013)

I notice with ALARM a large motor cycle pictured. Even more ALARMING is that the owner having spent his money on such a machine has been reduced to eating the seat.
_*"Why dose the toenails on my right foot grow faster than the left? On my toe nail clipping record chart* there is a pronounced difference !" *_
The winter hours in sweet Rawmarsh must spin by with such diversions. This is an ALARMING side effect of hidden leg transplant. Here is proof of an elephant with a missing legge.


----------



## byegad (20 Nov 2013)

That's not a motorcycle it's a two wheeled tractor. For the kind of money the owner spent on that pile of Left Pond junk they could have had a real motorcycle. The seat is merely a reflection of the build quality of the Marque.


----------



## n-ick (20 Nov 2013)

Steady on old chap, these noisy beasts keep us awake as they blast up and down the road at night, damn 
Elephants.


----------



## Speicher (20 Nov 2013)

I was reliably informed that planting some zebra grass in my garden would help to keep zebras away. I can report that, at least in this part of west Worcestershire, that strategy works.

Perhaps you could try do the samelymost with Elephant Grass?


----------



## byegad (21 Nov 2013)

Yes Durham County Council spends several thousand pounds a year spreading Oofle dust in the County to deter elephants, it works a treat as I've not seen an elephant in the county for decades.


----------



## Speicher (21 Nov 2013)




----------



## byegad (22 Nov 2013)

You may scoff Speicher old beaness, but it works!

It may interest you to know that the High Energy Fizziks lab at Durham University for the edification of young peeple is, at this moment, working* on developing a SBGG specific version of Oofle dust, to be known as Awful Dust. Designed to repel the Sbgg, early tests suggest it works, having repelled him so much he went to Americaland and is planning to go to Spain soonest. The Sighentifik Ethiks Kommitte** are debating tonight as to whether the strength should be reduced to allow him to visit West Yorkshire. I am informed that the entire population of Rawmarsh are coming to ensure that they do not reduce the strength!

*Between 1 hour tea breaks, 3 hour lunches and the traditional Friday Golf Competition!^

**This bunch of wastrels, hangers-on and incompetents decided last week to dispose of the letter c. This despite the fact that Jeremy ?unt is still in the cabinet. Losers!

^This consists of a putting challenge on the Eighteenth green followed by an all day boozing session which usually ends in Durham Magistrates Court in special session on Saturday afternnon.


----------



## n-ick (23 Nov 2013)

I bow to thy erudition in such matters and have found a recent portrait, probably a "selfie",


----------



## byegad (23 Nov 2013)

'Tis I! 

The likeness is stunning. Rather like the SBGG's BO.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Nov 2013)

byegad said:


> You may scoff Speicher old beaness, but it works!
> 
> It may interest you to know that the High Energy Fizziks lab at Durham University for the edification of young peeple is, at this moment, working* on developing a SBGG specific version of Oofle dust, to be known as Awful Dust. Designed to repel the Sbgg, early tests suggest it works, having repelled him so much he went to Americaland and is planning to go to Spain soonest. The Sighentifik Ethiks Kommitte** are debating tonight as to whether the strength should be reduced to allow him to visit West Yorkshire. I am informed that the entire population of Rawmarsh are coming to ensure that they do not reduce the strength!






Unfortunately this was probably a coincidence as I have next to no seance of smell, having had a vacuum cleaner related accident when I was a toddler. The good old Hoover deluxe, it was my favert stead giving a warm and buzzy / very loud ride until I fell of one day.

I had my post joliday weigh in to day..... I lost 3.5kg but my chaesicals are bigger.

I had my performance and development review last week, my boss says they are under using my skills and aptitude, this is never a good thing I think lard some one is looking to of load some crap frustrating work!

Harley's are a bit like my beloved BMW boxer "agricultural" this gives them lots of appeal to some people and lend them selves to a relaxed flowing stile of riding.


----------



## Speicher (24 Nov 2013)

You must have been very ickle to fall off an old hover.

Was it like this one?






I expect there is still one of those at Byegad Manor, and that it is utilised in the valetting of the horseless carriage.


----------



## byegad (24 Nov 2013)

Given he can't ride a hoover how does he expect to ride three wheels. I've seen him run his trike into the hedge on a smooth cycle path. He's obviously a cylceopath!


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Nov 2013)

Speicher said:


> You must have been very ickle to fall off an old hover.
> 
> Was it like this one?
> 
> ...










Now that is what I call a Christmas present! They cost a lot of money back then. A woman with a twin tub and a vacuum had all her ambitions for filled.

The one we had was pale brown the top was a bit rounded and the bit where the light shone out warped around the edges, gosh I can still remember the smell of the thing, that loud rumbling noise.

It was a Hoover that a woman could make it clear she was not amused with her man just the way she aggressively swished it about* while making huffing and sighing noises, as they were rather robust and the furniture was mad to last she could rely bang it in to things and not brake any thing, plus they could take out most of the radio and two of the three tv Chanel's for up to 100 yards.

I some times think that is why my mum is a bit mut n Jeff, she should have had ear defenders on while revenge hoovering.

*probably the only thing better was the ewbank



non electric so dint have to put a shilling in the meater and would deliver a mortal blow to a unwary ankle.


----------



## n-ick (25 Nov 2013)

By jinks ! Here is a poor fellow stuck in a time warp. 
A fellow who would no doubt take us back to the Dark Ages and possibly beyond. To the very time of Nothingness, which sweeps across both his fortress , between both ears with little hindrance.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2013)

I think the rot set in the moral fiber of Britannia with the invention of fabric softener.
A good brisk rub down with a towel that you have to hit with a hammer to get the worst of the scratchy bit blunted before you can use it, is good for you stiff upper lip.


----------



## byegad (26 Nov 2013)

Hang on!



OK Ladies! I'm ready now.


KILL!


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Nov 2013)

I am a bit out of faze with my universe today, I had a lot of nasty people ranting down the phone a me* and every bit of me hurts :-( I have been juggling jobs around the 
Christmasholidythatintheuklastforaboutthreeweeksbuttherestoftheworldgetitoverwithinoneafternoon.

I think I will go in to hibernation and get my lads to pop in to the office with a blow up sbgg the days I should be in, no one will notice.


Then some one pushed in front of me at the supermarket till* 
*what kind of rotten horrible nasty person would pick on a cripple


----------



## byegad (27 Nov 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> *what kind of rotten horrible nasty person would pick on a cripple




ME!!!!! Able bodied people fight back. 

On a serious note I hope you spoke to them at length! I expect to see an upward blip on the suicide rate in Rawmarsh.


----------



## Scoosh (28 Nov 2013)

Speicher said:


>


We used to have one of those when I was little ! Dead posh, we were ...


----------



## byegad (28 Nov 2013)

You were lucky, we had to clean the floor with our tongues and pay for the privilege. That was before we worked 25 hours down't pit and got killed every night by Dad if we were late back from the shift, or hadn't earned more than 1s 6d. 

Life was tough when we was kids.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Nov 2013)

My, how you have made it big ! 

... and there was me thinking you came from 'old money', with all the talk of Byegad Towers, carriages, servants etc ...

_Nouveau riche_, eh ?


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2013)

How do you think the family made its money? We employ all of the kids and the survivors inherit the Estates. Competitive Assassination is encouraged. That way Lord Byegad is the biggest 'you know what' in the County.

In other words, 'Yea though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil.' (Because Lord Byegad is the meanest son of a bitch in the valley!)

AND


Scoosh said:


> My, how you have made it big !



That's what all of the girls say.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Nov 2013)




----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2013)

Modesty forbids.


----------



## n-ick (1 Dec 2013)

Enough modesty.
If I were to visit SSBG at Rawmarsh, I should wear a fox hat. Why ?

I told a good friend that I was going there and he said something like


"Wear the fox hat !"
Boom boom.


----------



## byegad (1 Dec 2013)

Sound advice, but remember to keep the tinfoil one on under it. 

When I asked where Rawmarsh was I got the reply 'Fox knows where', so remember to ask the fox for directions before you skin it.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Dec 2013)

n-ick said:


> Enough modesty.
> If I were to visit SSBG at Rawmarsh, I should wear a fox hat. Why ?
> 
> I told a good friend that I was going there and he said something like
> ...




Rawmarsh can be found in the centre of the cultural triangle Sheffield, Barnsley and Doncaster. We'll known world leader in forced rhubarb growing.

Today is a good day to eat pomegranate and date omelet, with a dollop of brown on the side. Dates are fantastic the stone is even torpedo shaped so the don't get stuck if you swallow one though Brazil nuts are more entertaining if not as aerodynamic.

Life was hard for us when I was a lad as smiling was not invented until around my 9th birthday I keep practising when I pas shop windows* 
*mirrors are expensive and I don't want to wear mine out keep using it.


----------



## byegad (2 Dec 2013)

Also I heard the SBGG does not have a reflection in a mirror.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Dec 2013)

byegad said:


> Also I heard the SBGG does not have a reflection in a mirror.


I some times take a photograph of the back of my head to see what it looks like, ears are interesting, there in such a useful place as avid glasses wearer* and user I much prefer them to 
A head strap/screw in ferrel.



*talking to fuzzy pink blobs across the room can be fun at times but after having asked to a shop manikin where the lifts are at 18 I had to cave in and finely except that for the sake of my poor battered shins and stubbed toes I would have to don the specks.


----------



## n-ick (4 Dec 2013)

The very pair which will make you stand out in a crowd and see everything in a hole different way,


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Dec 2013)

n-ick said:


> The very pair which will make you stand out in a crowd and see everything in a hole different way,
> View attachment 33577


Only if they do them in red.

I have a bad case of wind today but it has reminded my today is the last day you can put your sprouts on to boil and have them ready for Christmas Day, remember you are British the the vegetables are not grey and have any flavour left then it is not a proper Christmas lunch.

There is a small shift of us working Xmas week one of the lady bring in mice pie and pudding with the warning if you are driving it must be eaten at the beginning of the shift so you have chance to sober up. So expect some merry phone calls including impromptu carolling while on hold.


----------



## n-ick (6 Dec 2013)

By Jimminy, 
Tha' Christmas spirit must flow like fog off t'cut. Good to know that your wind will be blowing this away.

We had a whip round for a Christmas box, but there was so little raised that it fell though a hole in my pocket and both coins made a clink as they landed.


----------



## byegad (7 Dec 2013)

Well I^^ decorated the family living room for the festivities today. Holly from the hedge by the Main Paddock and Mistletoe from one of the ancient oaks in Manor Wood and we are ready for the festivities, the Deer have been culled for Venison, some of the local farmer's sheep have mysteriously disappeared and the neighbour seems to have mislaid some beasts! So the main meats are sorted and now it remains for me to take the Gamekeepers out for a shoot over by the lake to supply Duck and Goose and then up to the Moor for a few Grouse and Pheasants*.

Yule is sadly cancelled (For the 123rd year running.) for the peasants* on the estate. This time due to their spokesman not wringing his cap sufficiently when he came for the usual (At least it was 124 years ago. Long memory these peasants!) permission to take a sheep or two for the estate feast**.

^^Well I stood in the middle of the room and shouted at the minions a lot until it was done and redone to my satisfaction. 

* The 11th Lord Byegad was dyslexic and that year we had some very bemused birds at the Yule table looking at roasted humans on the table. He suffered a tragic accident early in the New Year when he managed to stab, shoot, poison and hang himself. (At least that was what the 12th Lord Byegad said, sitting in his hereditary position as local coroner. So it must be correct.) The 12th Lord was of course the younger brother of the 11th, who inherited the title only in late November of the previous year. We don't speak about the 14th Lord after what happened at Balmoral that year, enough to say that Victoria really wasn't amused! Needless to say the 15th Lord was able to make things right with the Royal family, but he always was a ladies man, wink, wink!

** When I say feast you need to realise they usually eat oatcake made from scraps from the stables and the scraps from the main kitchen after the Hall's servants have gleaned their own meals from our leftovers.


----------



## Speicher (7 Dec 2013)

If you please, may I make sootably respectfull enquirements about the demise of the 13th Lord Byegad, or are his proclivities not disgusted in polite society.


----------



## n-ick (7 Dec 2013)




----------



## byegad (7 Dec 2013)

Sadly the Thirteenth Lord died shamefully...


In bed. But not his own! His son the Fourteenth Lord inherited his, erm... well... shall we say 'drives'. But not his sense of... erm... 'adventure!


----------



## Speicher (7 Dec 2013)

byegad said:


> Sadly the Thirteenth Lord died shamefully...
> 
> 
> In bed. But not his own! His son the Fourteenth Lord inherited his, erm... well... shall we say 'drives'. But not his sense of... erm... 'adventure!



How many drives does one man need.  I would guess there is the Royal Park drive, up to the front porch wotsit, and the Garden drive taking the circuitous route through the hundreds of acres of prime countryside and another drive that passes close to the Ha Ha, but surely three drives is enough.

Any more drives and the postillion rider will get very confuddled, resulting in the risk of being late for Dinner.


----------



## byegad (7 Dec 2013)

Unless you count Queen Victoria that is, but the Thirteenth Lord was more, 'inclusive'.


----------



## n-ick (9 Dec 2013)

Was going to send off for this for the SSBG , but decided to bodge one up. How difficult can it be ?


----------



## byegad (9 Dec 2013)

Remember to use the cheapest materials. We wouldn't want an accident!


----------



## Scoosh (10 Dec 2013)

An accident ??? 



It'll be no a tragic  accident when the balloonnss are hit by the shotgun pellets of the Christmas Shooting Party referred to above by the Nouveau Riche chap (trying to sound very old money ... )


----------



## byegad (10 Dec 2013)

As has been mentioned before I still have the family Groat^ in my purse. The Byegads may have been mad, lewd, and downright obnoxious*, but they were never anything but Yorkshiremen**.

^How much older do you want?
*Present generation is fortunately spared the above being nothing but charm, gentlemanly behaviour and personality.
**That's like a Scot with the stupid spendthrift attitude they tend to display with open handed generosity to one and all completely removed.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Dec 2013)

I am starting at a new gym by special request of the operators.

A review will be posted on the local page of ferret wearing flat cap breeders gazette.
I did a article on lard lures while haggis hunting it is open season on the 17th the bag limit has dropped for non scotch residents to 3, 7 for the man frock wearers.

That reminds me while chatting to the colonials as they were grumbling about the state of the economy, I did say we my have to take them back again and sort them out, divide the lands up in to principalities sub divided in to lordly manors. They would be aloud to play manly games instead of kiddy games like rounders put some back bone in to them. 
There was a significant number of men running around in tartan man frocks and evan a cat stranglers matching band in one of the frequent parades
Though I could not get a plate of haggis turnip n tattys after the parade, I had to eat a Mexican thing like a failed Yorkshire pudding rolled up with every thing stuffed inside.

The total Xmas budget has been worked out.
Xmas cards, as every one I know now sends the written in pencil so they can be reused postage is nil as a totally bogus address is put on the front with a used stamp and the real address put on the back with if not delivered please return to......

The presents nobody bothers opening them now as we all know what is in them, all the stuff some one gave us at Xmas that we don't want or like, over the year I have been given the same parcel three times by different relatives .
I don't drink so will have a trundle around the local streets next bin day getting the carrier bags of tins of cheep Booz left out for the bin lads.


With food nuts ect I will have an inflation busting £11.23 bill I have already told my lad to only pay instalments over the next 8 months as I don't want the local triads men thinking I am well off.


----------



## n-ick (12 Dec 2013)

By all means beware of triads,



I observe that the spirit of Scooge is once again circulating in those wild and nether regions.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2013)

Scrooge, the archetypal Yorkshireman and then tragedy! He caught generosity. I cry every time I think about it.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Dec 2013)

byegad said:


> Scrooge, the archetypal Yorkshireman and then tragedy! He caught generosity. I cry every time I think about it.


Good story crap ending!
The blackadder version is better, the rich don't get rich by following the rules, being nice and giving monye away.
HUMBUG
When a welmeninig minion in a cubical near to me put tinsel around the base of his monitor, he was told to remove it, as some one might object to Xmas decorations being put up in the office, "We can not have anything in or around your desk that may offend any other worker".
I did suggest he drape it around his shoulders but was imedeatly informed it would breach the dres code as some one might find it efencive for instance a t shirt with a slogan on it might.

I am wearing my Rudolf the rain dear with flashing red nose tye on Thursday and have asked any one thet would like to trim up my wheelchair as nasty/tacky as the like with flashing lights the works they are welcome. I still think it is a lode of rubbish but I hate hippocresy. We still get the email every year asking staf not to eat any thing in front of staf fasting at Ramadan.
HUMBUG
There is a very very sad plastic tree in reception with a notice on it "winter festivitys decorations sponcerd" it then goes on to give the name of the firm paying out for it.
HUMBUG


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2013)

Deck the halls with 'Elf an' Safetee!


----------



## n-ick (15 Dec 2013)

What tearable world in which we live. It's all feed and greed. Surely how could we have forgotten the true meaning of Xmas. To clarify:

There's this obese bearded guy living at the North Pole with loads of elves making toys. Then every year he gets some reindeer, flies around the world and climbs down chimneys.

If you don't believe that you must be a terrible cinic. I know of a fellow who didn't believe and woke up one morning as a giant insect.


----------



## Scoosh (15 Dec 2013)

n-ick said:


> If you don't believe that you must be a terrible cinic. I know of a fellow who didn't believe and woke up one morning as a giant insect.


Typed using all your 8 legs + antennae ?


----------



## n-ick (17 Dec 2013)

6 legs and a pair of wings . Quite handy for beating the traffic.


----------



## Scoosh (17 Dec 2013)

What does the traffic do to you , that it needs a beating - preshumbly at frequent intervles ?


----------



## byegad (20 Dec 2013)

Good news!

This time next week it'll all be over and we can go back to being grumpy. 

BAH! HUMBUG!


----------



## Scoosh (20 Dec 2013)

"go back" ??? 

When did (ever) you 'go forward' ?


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2013)

I have trained all my life to be a dirty old man grumpy old man and will never waste that training by being cheerful at Xmas. (Or for that matter any other time of the year.) Being cheerful can lead to stupidity like spending money on other people and saying things like 'It's my round' in the pub, rather than skulking in the toilets until somebody with less sense gives up and gets them in.


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2013)

I forgot to say.


BAH! HUMBUG!


----------



## young Ed (22 Dec 2013)

hang on I swear this thread was about @markg0vbr 's recovery about almost years ago when did it turn into a thread about hating Christmas? there's plenty of other threads on that topic!
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (22 Dec 2013)

Now, now young 'un. This thread gave up on the SBGG many moons ago, we are three early next year and the Sun Bronzed Geek God is still swinging the lead and confusing people by his mere presence on the planet.

I blame him for the Banking Crisis, David Cameron and that other twerp, the Syrian Civil War, and the fact that Lady Byegad's second best Rolls Royce needed a new water pump last week. Along with many other things, not necessarily excluding the Assassination of Arch-Duke Ferdinand, the two World Wars and next doors cat being sick in the laurels, again!

I also mention, in passing, the Black Death, Great Fire of London and fall of the Roman Empire as evidence of his influence.


----------



## young Ed (22 Dec 2013)

so he is rather important in history then?
is this just a thread where i can post about anything when i can't be bothered to start a new thread for it now then?
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2013)

Yes, like Genghis Kahn, Hitler and Vlad the Impaler.

We have taken our lead from the deranged ramblings of the SBGG itself and anything goes, except being nice to the SBGG of course.


----------



## young Ed (23 Dec 2013)

what does SBGG mean!?  
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2013)

Sun Bronzed Geek God, at least that's what I thought he said!


----------



## n-ick (23 Dec 2013)

Where the devil is he ?
Old Nick.


----------



## byegad (23 Dec 2013)

My money would be Syria or South Sudan, judging by the news.


----------



## n-ick (24 Dec 2013)

Yep, I suppose he could be spreading world peace, somewhere.


----------



## byegad (24 Dec 2013)

n-ick said:


> Yep, I suppose he could be spreading world peace, somewhere.



Nurse! Nick got out of the jacket again!


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Dec 2013)

I think my bolts have gone rusty


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Dec 2013)

The final count is in £11.45!
I informed the bar man you would settle the bar tab when you come out of the bog bygad.

We did a lexicon back about month 8 in the recovery 

As I limp into another year of the recovery, being an accomplished wearer of socks several days a week. 

I predict the last of the turkey will end up with dog raped around it tonight.

A optimistic feeling is washing over me, this is some thing best avoided it leads to "expectations" and nowt ever good came of "expectations", Like the present coalition.


----------



## young Ed (31 Dec 2013)

markg0vbr said:


> The final count is in £11.45!
> I informed the bar man you would settle the bar tab when you come out of the bog bygad.
> 
> We did a lexicon back about month 8 in the recovery
> ...


you still recovering then?
i know i really haven't looked that hard but may i ask how you got injured and what part of you got injured? it sounds rather serious to me?
Cheers Ed


----------



## Scoosh (1 Jan 2014)

NO !! NO !! 






Don't _EVER_ ask ..... 

You're possibly even too young to be allowed permission to view this thread ...  ... it's not really suitable for delicate, tender-yeared eyes ...


----------



## Speicher (1 Jan 2014)

Scoosh said:


> Don't _EVER_ ask .....
> 
> You're possibly even too young to be allowed permission to view this thread ...  ... it's not really suitable for delicate, tender-yeared eyes ...



Oh isn't it? Would you like me to leave?


----------



## Scoosh (1 Jan 2014)

@Speicher - too young ?   

No, my apologies, I meant the (very) young Ed ... 


After all, we don't want him 'corrupted' by the SBGG, now do we ???


----------



## Speicher (1 Jan 2014)

Happy New Year and a big


to everyone on here.


----------



## byegad (1 Jan 2014)

Dirty Girl! 

Happy New Year to all but one of our participants. 

The Traditional New Year's Day Hunt is about to set of from the front of Byegad Towers. As the peasants on the estate have got more cagey over the years, this year the quarry is a certain white haired politician. He's allowed to keep his Brompton, so we are not riding horses this year. 

My personal Helicopter Gunship, a Hind E in the NATO lexicon of ex-Soviet helicopters is warming up and the gunner's seat his waiting for me. 

It's good to keep up these old traditions.


----------



## young Ed (1 Jan 2014)

Scoosh said:


> @Speicher - too young ?
> 
> No, my apologies, I meant the (very) young Ed ...
> 
> ...


sorry but what is the SBGG???
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (1 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Sun Bronzed Geek God, at least that's what I thought he said!


 As above.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Jan 2014)

Mustered plasters and lard coated brown paper have been diploid.


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Jan 2014)

young Ed said:


> you still recovering then?
> i know i really haven't looked that hard but may i ask how you got injured and what part of you got injured? it sounds rather serious to me?
> Cheers Ed


I nowadays tend to list what is working as it is quicker.
###### flash back ###############
It 'twas a bleak frosty morning, when out on my bike, almost stationary my sculpted bum hit the floor and my hip broke. 
Later on I was informed I have crumbly body syndrome and must eat chalk n vintermmmmmns and brain pils.
###### end of flash back#############

Having thought about it for a bit....... Nothing spring to mind, as it is now damp and bleak int' North this has the effect of making thing stif and throbbing. I some times have to get strangers to give me a hand for instance in aldi when I get near to the chicken breasts*.

The attack on my chesticals is quiet bad the big guns are out fiery jack and at no though of the expense goose grease** 

Unfortunately I have not been to the gym much so am a but down, so i am in need of good newts pils. As the cost of dried frog pils have shot up and the doctor says I can't have them on the NHS. The cheap version of the brain pils have increased side affects mostly the already quite good vertigo has increased, I don't have to sit in my armchair to experience the best that alton towers has to offer, I now have to lay on the bed and hold tight or I might fall of. It is AWWWWWWWSOMMM!

So fare the new casters are working well on the wheelchair though I had to fit new inner tubes and tyres when I got back from holiday. I have gone for 1.5" with a tread rather than the thin smooth race tyres I had on. What difference this will make to my shopping mall performance remains to be seen.


*they are on the top shelf, I always borrow a French stick loaf when I go in so I can prod things of the shelves that I can't reach with it as I go around but the chicken breasts are on a shelf with a glass lip so I can't prod them repeatedly until they fall off and have to ask passers by to get the breasts out for me.

**as I had a trim before going to America my chest hair is short enough for the goose grease to be combed out and put to use in the roast potatoes at the weekend.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Jan 2014)

@markg0vbr - please be advised that @young Ed is exactly that - _young_ and _impressionable_ .

Even my blood pressure was rising as I read about your shopping exploits ...


----------



## byegad (2 Jan 2014)

Sad to say Boris got away, we think a Tory chum spirited him away from the Gunships and machine guns of the New Year Hunt. However we did get two Lib-Dems and and a lapsed Methodist so not a wasted day's sport. The Rabbi got away and we failed to find any Peasants at all, they are getting too crafty and we have decided to burn down their hovels for Yule next year as a reprisal.


----------



## n-ick (3 Jan 2014)

Not even Boris could dream this one up. This is more likely to be the tortuous work of both brain cells of the SSGG,
http://news.discovery.com/tech/gear-and-gadgets/soaring-bike-highway-proposed-in-london-140103.htm


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jan 2014)

The mustered plaster are working on the chesticle nicely and breathing is happening now and then with out the aid of a foot pump.

Unfortunately I missed going out the the chaps shooting. From the semi minced remains of the game the brought back a good time was had by all, unless you have fir or feathers then it might have been a bit less jolly.

Having been back again for the walking funny clinic, I will be having a scan soon to see if a large screw driver needs putting in the hip socket and wiggling about or not and if bits have gone rusty. They may start chopping bit of me off, mostly bone and gristle.

I may be selling bits off on eBay it will all be done in the best possible taste, some thing along the lines of the holy relics. I did perform the miracles feet of putting on my Christmas socks unaided, a letter has been dispatched to the archbishop this morning.

This week will be my first three day work week in seven months, a mid day not stand up may be needed as I will be wilting rapidly about lunch time.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2014)

Don't need no Holly relic at Byegad Towers. Perhaps the Council will tow the wreck away.


----------



## young Ed (6 Jan 2014)

good to hear you are starting to breath with out a joeblow!
congrats on the work, is that from home? 
though on the shooting side of things, if it helps i haven't been going shooting for ages either due to my mum not having the time and me probably not being welcome by my self.

am I taking all this too seriously?  must become silly now HEHE
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2014)

No the SBGG doesn't work from hovel. He goes in to the local council office and annoys people for a living.


----------



## young Ed (6 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> No the SBGG doesn't work from hovel. He goes in to the local council office and annoys people for a living.


not a bad occupation where do i apply?
Cheers Ed


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2014)

Sadly young 'un, the ability to aggravate is inborn, rather than learnt. The SBGG has it in Spades with spectators being known to gnaw off appendages while subjected to the tirade of utter gibberish issuing from him. Beware invitations to meet the SBGG as written down, hand baddlee mys speld, it loses much of the sheer terror of a face to face meeting.


----------



## n-ick (7 Jan 2014)

For sheer terror try a ride led by the SSBG. At one point several folk thought they'd entered another Universe.

I note with alarm that he is managing a 3 day week , is this cut backs or can they not bear more of him ?


----------



## byegad (7 Jan 2014)

The other four days are termed 'Care in the Community' by the medical people.


----------



## Scoosh (7 Jan 2014)

n-ick said:


> I note with alarm that he is managing a 3 day week , is this cut backs or can they not bear more of him ?


I believe it is 'cut forwards', as he is progressing beyond 1 day, 2 days ....

It's all part of
*the recovery *

... so Well Done SBGG and hope you get back to full health soon  and become a contributing member of society , not a benefit scrounger. 






Now, where did I leave those pills ...


----------



## n-ick (8 Jan 2014)




----------



## byegad (8 Jan 2014)

The famous RAF Pink Arrows! Jolly fine show chaps.


----------



## byegad (9 Jan 2014)

Cr


Scoosh said:


> I believe it is 'cut forwards', as he is progressing beyond 1 day, 2 days ....
> 
> It's all part of
> *the recovery *
> ...



Cruel.


----------



## byegad (11 Jan 2014)

I managed to get out for ride number 3 of the year today. As I left Byegad Towers the sun was shining and it was a beautiful crisp winter's day. 








Some of the local hovels that the poor people inhabit infest.


----------



## n-ick (12 Jan 2014)

By jinks , that looks like staunch Toryland there ! 

Is that open space and greenery ? Can that be England's green and pleasant land ?

We're living like rats in terraces. Last tree on the estate got chopped up for firewood. When the bus stops opposite , I have to leap out of the outside toilet because of the brick shuddering vibrations.

Someone seems to have abandoned a plastic tube on wheels beside the road. 

Goodo, places where there's enough room for flytipping.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2014)

Sadly it's County Durham, England's green and pleasant land is a few miles South, in God's Own County of Yorkshire!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2014)

After the post Christmas stamped/waddle to the gym by the general malingering "warning beginning of rant " * waist of skin pavement sheep has begun, this will reduce by mid February.

I have come to several conclusions.

The wearing of Lycra is a privilege and not a automatic right and should be licensed. Exorcise equipment is for E X O R C I S E NOT UPDATING YOU #%*%#+~<^€$ face book page or chatting to a group of empty headed morons wildly gesticulating and blithely wondering about milimeters from some heavy pice of of equipment some one nearly has to do them selves a a injury to stop hitting The nit. 

Leaning on a treadmill while drinking a energy drink might be counter predictive.
The same goes for sitting on a spinning bike for a full class without putting any resistance on the wheel.


A full three days in the office, Gosh one week down a maximum of fourteen to go, I hope.
The pain I must admit of late has been getting to me a bit and the chaps at the motorcycle club have been helping ,those little things like taking heavy/ sharp pointy things out of my hands, when some one says annoying or hurtful things about cripples / dose he have milk and sugar in his tea / walks in to a line in front of me at a counter to get served. 
Ron is trying to work on a mute button** as several of us tend to go in to python mode at time like this and start speaking in loud slow voice "we can't give him sugar it brings on hit trouble", "I have a letter from matron and I can have crayons now", "quick get the dried frog pils I left them on the bike he's going to have one of his episodes" ect.

I had a lovely scan the other day it was a nice day out and I got to have a nice man do interesting things with " appliances " it would have been nice if he had taken me out to diner first! But I thing he felt that buzz of job satisfaction when he had processed me. We'll they have all that equipment and things that go ping and blip, I would be a wast not to use them.
It was a bit odd when he said congratulations it's twins!. 


*why is health wasted on fat lays thick people using the term people loosely. They use it all up by the time they are 30 I would look after it, take it out on special occasions, even knit it soft fluffy wooly hats n socks. 

**being a naturalised Yorkshire man having now lived hear 65 years, he tends to do this thing called blushing ? He keeps mentioning embarrassment and keeps lists of places we have been and some times refuses to go back. We normally talk him in to going and promise to be good. Unless some one is rude or looks at us funny or breaths ironically.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2014)

Exorcising didn't work so we shot the priest.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2014)

Scoosh said:


> It's all part of
> *the recovery *
> 
> ... so Well Done SBGG and hope you get back to full health soon  and become a contributing member of society , not a benefit scrounger.
> ...


You can just go around inducing hope and saying things like "become a contributing member of society , not a benefit scrounger. " it's the only growth industry we have, there are some black belt benefit adepts I have been trying to gain audience with one sensei for the past year. Story's are told of his feats of unbelievable form filling and the ability to confuse and befuddle benefit office investigators. The Denice is a legend, there is no defence for his sick note attack. 

Again I have been experimenting with nose typing, for when eating, driving, flying fighter aircraft or pushing wheelchairs in the shopping Centre. As every one is text walking, including while crossing the road. People can jump to impressive heights while in the little universe texting away standing in the middle of a zebra crossing as they have run out of enough brain power to text walk and chew, chewing gum at the same time. All you need is a triple set of reproduction American train horns fitting to your ride.

A though popped in to my head while brushing my teeth, should I wear a helmet or not while in the bath room as a lot more people are hurt while brushing there teeth than while riding a bike! Then a advert came on the radio to try and get people out of there cars and on to alternative transport to get to work. That's when it hit me subsidise bus fairs so they are not running around town empty all day. Fit ramps so every one can use them, allow up right clear thinking people to carry electric cattle prods to poke the rude and selfish randomly, become roving knights of justice and lard. A legion of good and grumpy defenders of the timid and slightly insane.
Bobby's on the beet don't work but retire diner lady's could cut a swath through the pavement sheep of this world waking them up and adding them to the legion.
I predict world domination in three years.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2014)

Bobbies on the beet have red teeth.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Bobbies on the beet have red teeth.


It's the pickled herring and cow heal sandwiches that do it and gnawing there trunnions.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2014)

I've never seen a Constabules Trunnions.

I wonder if Speicher has?<-<-<-Speicher, dirty girl!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2014)

Thick wooly jumpers and bed socks are the dress code tonight, as the big freeze hits.
I will attach a long pice of string to my eldest lad tonight and use it to rouse him for windscreen leaning tomorrow.
I could do with an ejector bed for him or a long sharp pointy stick. 

There is some thing deeply satisfying about a sharp pointy stick, holding a sharp pointy stick gives one feeling of being some one, a cut above the rabble, A man of importance.

I need to up date my list I have neglected this for a bit, but it needs doing. It is the list of leaders and contact information, in the event of an Alain space craft landing near me I will be ready for the traditional greeting ".take me to your leader". It is always best to be ready and always have a pack of lard ready.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2014)

I thought nurse had banned sharp things from the SBGG a long time ago.


----------



## n-ick (21 Jan 2014)

Got it ! 

The only way to make any sense of His posts is just to read the first and last lines.


----------



## byegad (21 Jan 2014)

Well that's this then.

Quote SBGG post #1
'i had 45mins sitting on the trike peddling back words( i do not have rollers so had a cloth raped around the chain for a bit of resistance) one of the kids must have spotted i have had my bike shoes out becouse i have just thought i might go up and down the road a bit and see how i feel 
er all three wheels are flat  and the valves are missing  
pram, dummy, teddy bear, high velocity throw, i am now going to hold my breath until i turn blue and then scream and scream untill i am sick. grumble mumble grumble cant do ewt sodding sat mumble grumble rotten kids spoil all my fun grumble.'

and 

Quote SBGG post above.
'It is always best to be ready and always have a pack of lard ready.'

I'm not sure we're any wiser! But hope that the above really is his last sentence.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jan 2014)

The joy and delight of 6 o'clock windscreen scraping, gosh it's fantastic! I did have a bit of a cheat as I had my lad put a hot water bottle on the dash when he went out to work.
There is a new job opening for some one a bit like the old knocker pure or lamp lighter going around putting hot water bottles on dash boards!

I think I my start to spend my second twenty pound note of the year soon, this will nock me of track for this years budget. I hope I don't get a letter from the Bank of England or the tribunal for prevention of fiscal fecundity, the black robed** panel have been known to take drastic steps to prevent spend thrifts.
After repeatedly fighting of plaintive whimpering by my eldest I have agreed to think about getting a new jumper, possibly from one of them swanky posh charity shops, if they do lay away plans, this may happen within the next several years or when my latest elbow patches wear out, they are made from the last of my stock of coal shoot conveyor belt off cuts my grand day bequeathed to me. A experiment using old inner tube was a dismal failure and after the dining room door handle incident was found to be down right dangerous. 

When you think about it the human body is badly designed, grease nipples should be fitted to the larger of my joins and back so lard can be injected straight in to the joins every week. 


*for all the allergic to work there are two of them in a day
**a bit worn and patched having been handed down for generations but perfectly usable.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jan 2014)

Ice windscreen ...... Lard ..........ice .......lard mmmmmmm I may do an experiment.


----------



## byegad (22 Jan 2014)

As I was saying, not a lot of sense. Sadly my quote didn't contain his last sentence.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2014)

I have found my first instance where a potato out performs lard! 
At a anti frost windscreen prophylactic, this may be the beginning of the end for lard research, I will have to apply for funding.

Good news at last I have been cured* a wart has been deded a lot with prejudice! it had been a constant annoyance in the bace of my ring finger and some times would be quiet sore when pushing the chair. So it has been deded, when it drops of I will pop it in a jar and put it on eBay as a holy relic, though I am consernd some one might use it to do voodoo! 

*after hanging by my ankles in a smoke filled shed for a week, was suggested but I decided to go with the removal by freezing.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jan 2014)

A suitable case for treatment.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2014)

Nerve.. To trap a nerve... Don't sound any thing, bit of Edam on a trap bang! Got you.
The bit that is really funny is when you are half way between standing and siting, that bit is hilarious, for any one with out the Edam n trap. I think it is the plaintive whimpering and air drawn in through clench-teeth mixed with the slightly bozeyed grimace.

I might give pain up for Easter a sort of penance in revers.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2014)

markg0vbr said:


> I might give pain up for Easter a sort of penance in revers.


I suppose, to be really 'reverse-penance', you should give up pain for Lent. 

Just think of how sanctimonious  you would feel !


----------



## Speicher (23 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> I've never seen a Constabules Trunnions.
> 
> I wonder if Speicher has?<-<-<-Speicher, dirty girl!



Yes, I have seen a Constabules Trunnions, and also his helmet. 

I have also been stopped by a Police person for driving too slowly.


----------



## n-ick (23 Jan 2014)

I've put him in for "Britain's got Talent ". Just think of the viewing figures. 

Could be just the place to demonstrate sword swallowing and feets of daring with boiling lard.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2014)

Speicher said:


> Yes, I have seen a Constabules Trunnions, and also his helmet.
> 
> I have also been stopped by a Police person for driving too slowly.


This confirms two of the scandalous rumours the SBGG has been PMing to every member of CC.


----------



## Speicher (24 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> This confirms two of the scandalous rumours the SBGG has been PMing to every member of CC.



 He was under stwict instructions not to tell anyone at all ever. What other sandalless things has he been labelling me with? The shoe is now on the other foot. 

 I will not take this lying down.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Jan 2014)

Scoosh said:


> I suppose, to be really 'reverse-penance', you should give up pain for Lent.
> 
> Just think of how sanctimonious  you would feel !


If I only lent it won't I have to have it back?

I have had my head looked in to, for new glasses. They want me to have very focal ones, i think you can zoom in n stuff but sound expensive I like the good old NHS thick rimed ones pre broken with the plaster round the middle. I mite have a go at some like that bloke on the telly that shows you how to microwave your diner they look 
Bomb proof.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2014)

Speicher said:


> He was under stwict instructions not to tell anyone at all ever. What other sandalless things has he been labelling me with? The shoe is now on the other foot.
> 
> I will not take this lying down.



FTFY! Dirty, dirty girl!


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2014)

markg0vbr said:


> If I only lent it won't I have to have it back?
> 
> I have had my head looked in to, for new glasses. They want me to have very focal ones, i think you can zoom in n stuff but sound expensive I like the good old NHS thick rimed ones pre broken with the plaster round the middle. I mite have a go at some like that bloke on the telly that shows you how to microwave your diner they look
> Bomb proof.


Very focals are difficult for some people to adjust to. Some people, like me have no trouble with them and others cannot get away with using them at any price. The only downside to them for me is if you are looking under the trike, or car f'rinstance, you re using the 'far' part of the lens to look at something near. An' it don't work.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Very focals are difficult for some people to adjust to. Some people, like me have no trouble with them and others cannot get away with using them at any price. The only downside to them for me is if you are looking under the trike, or car f'rinstance, you re using the 'far' part of the lens to look at something near. An' it don't work.


Easy, do a head stand and if you have your lofty shorts on give the locals a laugh as we'll.

I am sticking with the good old having 5 or 6 pairs laying about the house, 3 reading and 3 for making big things that are faraway and look small and fuzzy, bigger.
I did ask about having one read and one making big things that are faraway and look small and fuzzy, bigger, in the other eye and just close the eye of the one I was not using. She said it would not do my head any good, I wood end up with a muscly eye and a weedy one. Ha haaaa I said, but I would turn the glasses over at diner time every day and wear them upside down, So that would even them up.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Jan 2014)

My leg was on holiday today, I hope it had a nice time! My left arm popped off for a long weekend last week.
I never got a post card, text or email and has been miserable ever since it got back.

It is jet another cost cutting trick I have learnt giving body parts days off, it works so well the council are going to take one days pay off use this year as a theoretical extra holiday, day that we can't have! Austerity is the cudgel use to bludgeon the whimpering cripples in to submission.

What kind of nasty person would go around picking on cripples! 

We need a hero, a sun bronzed sculpted vision on crutches with his pants on hit head wronging rights, for the down trodden.


I see a marvel comic film, the hero portrayed by some holo wood a list seleb


----------



## byegad (26 Jan 2014)

REUTERS.............................................................................................................................................Breaking news Mark resigns as SBGG and calls for a replacement......................................

As part of the Aristocracy I feel it incumbent on me to organise the replacement. So the rules for candidates are listed below.

1. Any person of any gender may apply.
2. Said person must be able to demonstrate their suitability in all respects.*
3. An IQ test will be set and anyone scoring below 29 will be disqualified.**
4. The successful candidate must be able to spell common words like cat, sat and mat.***
5. The successful candidate must swear never to mention lard.
6. Attempted bribery of the appointments committee**** will be punished.*****
7. The committee's decision is final.******

Notes.
* Lady Byegad has volunteered to inspect all male candidates for Sun Bronzing. I will inspect the rest of the candidates.
** See much of the previous 150 pages.
*** Or at least stick to the same misspelling consistently.
**** Myself and good Lady Byegad, ably assisted by Nick, unless he himself is a candidate.
***** If the bribe is such that the committee are insulted by the amount, or lack of it.
****** (See ******) A large enough bribe could find we'd miscounted the votes the first time. I leave this to your conscience and depth of pocket.


----------



## n-ick (26 Jan 2014)

Tha' sounds the ideal candidate.


----------



## Speicher (26 Jan 2014)

n-ick said:


> Tha' sounds the ideal candidate.



Yebbut, if he is a candid date, there is a need for someone else to do the judging, isn't there? We would not want to set a president.


----------



## byegad (26 Jan 2014)

I see no problem with my standing and heading the committee. I assure you all that I'll give all the other candidates a fair hearing before deciding that the best Lord won.


----------



## Speicher (26 Jan 2014)

Will the committee have a quorum or do you not have any contagious diseases?


----------



## byegad (27 Jan 2014)

We killed the last quorum in the winter of 1976 when it was driven to hunt for food in one of the villages on the estate. I tasted lovely, once roast!


----------



## Speicher (27 Jan 2014)

That reminds me - there is a very shy wild animal in your area. Have you also eradicated the last Coypu?


----------



## Scoosh (27 Jan 2014)

Speicher said:


> That reminds me - there is a very shy wild animal in your area. Have you also eradicated the last *Coypu*?


Surely you mean SBGG ?


----------



## byegad (27 Jan 2014)

Coypu are/were in Norfolk IIRC. Some 250 miles South of Byegad Towers and further from the Embassy to the Frozen North. We do have Wild (Well escaped from a farm.) Boar in County Durham according to the Wildlife Wardens I bumped into one day on an off road ride.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Coypu are/were in Norfolk IIRC. Some 250 miles South of Byegad Towers and further from the Embassy to the Frozen North. We do have Wild (Well escaped from a farm.) Boar in County Durham according to the Wildlife Wardens I bumped into one day on an off road ride.


Don't forget the ikle kangaroos up on't hills.

Reports of my retirement have been greatly exaggerated, I have not amassed a surfeit of lard capable of sustaining me through retirement, so will have to carry on until I am into my 70s .

I will be asking for a leg and back shaver as I am having difficulty. If they come in once a month to keep things nice and trim.
As an incentive they get all the timings to earth stuff a pillow with or spin in to wool and make jumpers out of.


----------



## byegad (27 Jan 2014)




----------



## n-ick (28 Jan 2014)




----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jan 2014)

Finding my porridge lumpy this morning I have been contemplating a porridge de lumpy thing that has a thingy in the handle for getting boy scouts out of horses hooves.

I feel almost back to my normal self today after an intensive course of banana and brown source omelette, feel the power pumping through my limbs. Like a super hero I put one of my socks on all by my self glowing with pride at work today I pointed it out to every one the self puled sock, every one was so pressed.


----------



## byegad (29 Jan 2014)

You are in error young Tenderfoot. The gizmo on a knife is for getting Boy Scouts out of Girl Guides.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2014)

*THE RECOVERY* is clearly going well this day !    

To what was "every one was so pressed" ?

the sock ? - no reports of serious gassing incident being reported on t'news 
the view of the sock ? - no (same reason) 
the "self glowing" ? - no reports of radiation leaks either 
the "pride at work today " - well, what goes on behind closed doors  is surely not for public consumption 

The People** have a right to know !

.. but in this case. are prepared to lay down their rights for the overall health and well-being of the nation 



**being, like Lord BG, not one of the proletariat 'People', I really don't give a toss but will fight to their death anyone who disagrees ...


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2014)

Scoosh does that mean that your family are immigrants like the Byegads?

We came over with Guillaume le bâtard in 1066.

*Bloody Normans coming over here and stealing the country. etc. etc. *


----------



## Speicher (30 Jan 2014)

I know that my family are immigrunts. They left Persia, went to Turkey, then Russia, over to A Merica then back to Yurup and from Russia into Germany. My great grandfather travelled a lot. My grandfather was a tram driver in Koln. I have lost my umlaut.

My uncles all had itchy feet, but it was not because of self plulled socks, or because they lost their umlauts.

I think I still have my accent grave, the other accent is a cute.


----------



## Speicher (30 Jan 2014)

Now where have I plaçed my çedilâ âmd my circleflex¿


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Scoosh does that mean that your family are immigrants like the Byegads?
> 
> We came over with Guillaume le bâtard in 1066.
> 
> *Bloody Normans coming over here and stealing the country. etc. etc. *


 Immigrants ??? !!!!!  [splutter, splutter ...] 
We might have started soon after 503 AD, more likely 13th Century, have an ancient and 'interesting' history,  come from the braes of Balquihidder (or these ones !) in Perthshire, and still have an officially-recognised clan chief (which is not my family ).

Our rallying point is Creag an Tuirc - the Boar's rock, so called because, if the sun/moon is in the right direction, there is/isn't a 'y' or maybe even an 'r' in the month ... and a suitable quantity of a certain water-based spirit beverage has been consumed - through the narrow slits of the partially-opened right eye ... one could be forgiven for thinking that the rock might be a boar ... 

No 'grunts here - immi or otherwise


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2014)

Speicher said:


> I have lost my umlaut.



Everyone STOP what you're doing. Search Europe and look under the bed, Speicher has mislaid her umlaut!  I'll rummage for it and see what turns up.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2014)

Panic over - here you go Ma'am - Speïcher
... and a few spares - ï ï  ï ï ï

Your bonus letters : 
ä ë ö ü

Order is restored. 

It was under the_ ... pillow ?? _


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2014)

Well done Scoosh.

Now don't lose them again Speïcher.


----------



## Speicher (30 Jan 2014)

Yes, well done Scoosh, I will put them somewhere safe, so that I cannot find them again.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2014)

Put them under your pillow - then we'll all know where they are when/if you mislay them again ...


----------



## Speicher (30 Jan 2014)

Good idea, Scoosh.


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2014)

Your side or my side of the bed though?


----------



## Speicher (30 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Your side or my side of the bed though?


----------



## byegad (31 Jan 2014)

Oops! Sorry Speicher, it's out. Again.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Jan 2014)

Put it away, @byegad 

P-l-e-a-s-e


----------



## Speicher (31 Jan 2014)

byegad said:


> Oops! Sorry Speicher, it's out. Again.



Steady on! Shall I tell them what sort of pie jarmers you wear?


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Jan 2014)

I have discover the cure ........ A banana a day with a pinch of salt every other day and a herb a very nice person grows for me. 
I make a tea from it and feel a lot better though my weeee has become a bit odd and keeping my elbow polished properly as the butcher has added 3p to a pound of sprouts! Droid you kmow err yes!


----------



## byegad (31 Jan 2014)

Speicher said:


> Steady on! Shall I tell them what sort of pie jarmers you wear?



I don't.*
You never know when one of the chambermaidswomen will come in. 






* As you well know!


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Jan 2014)

Thick woollen socks and sandals are brilliant ! Bed sock wow ! 

I am no longer allowed sharp pointy things or shotguns but I can keep my catapult.


----------



## Scoosh (31 Jan 2014)




----------



## byegad (31 Jan 2014)

Scoosh said:


>



Abandon hope All Ye that enter here! 


(I'd have thought that this should be obvious by now Scoosh.


----------



## Scoosh (1 Feb 2014)

errr ... my reply was actually to the post 3 above the one above this post ...


----------



## byegad (2 Feb 2014)

It seemed so apt as a reply to the one above.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Feb 2014)

The balance has been restored, cutting back on the herb and a tea spoon of caster oil. I was going to start bathing in milk like that Egyptian bit of fluff with the carpet fixation queen Axminster got a snake bite in the bum and no one would suck poison out. As it has therapeutic effects. But we are a bit short of donkey milk at the co op, it seems a waist as we'll unless the milk is then made in to cheese. 

I emigrated 4miles after 14 years and my family mostly living in the same place, from where the first chap of my line thumped his bird on the head with a club and proclaimed "grunt gruuundt grunt"*. as a lad working in the metropolis of Sheffield my "local" friends thought I was bit of a globe trotter, going 14miles on the train! Every day...
We still have buses with thatched roofs pulled by inmates from the work house**.

We can't afford umlaut in Rotherham we use inflection sparingly as it might cost sum't, we even dunt use all't words, they all cost tha knows.
" ar reight" , " I" =. "Good morrow old chap how dose one find you on the glorious morning" , "spiffing my good fellow and one would wish you a Hearty morning as we'll"
I thought umlauts wear a big viscous ferret like thing, dragging unwary socks under beds and eating them?

*= ok lass get kettle on this'll do, chippy just up there a bit n booky next door! Smashing.



**they have to unravel long memos from the HMRs tax of is into recognisable gibberish, for a bole of water gruel and a slice of black pudding.


----------



## n-ick (3 Feb 2014)

This makes me ;
Wish I was living on Benefits Street.
Wish I had used live ammunition.
Wish that the rats would rise up in Rawmarrsh and get revenge on those who in the past have tried to eradicate them.


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2014)

I propose we start a petition. It would read something like this.

In a lifetime all British Subjects can kill 1/1000th of a human being without any recourse from the law. So we wouldn't have Politicians who get up everyone's knows, Giles Brandreth, Matthew Parris, or (And here's the advantage, No SBGG!) So long as you can get 999 other people to agree with you. 

Of course members of the House of Lords would be exempt, rank hath its privilege.


----------



## Speicher (4 Feb 2014)

byegad said:


> I propose we start a petition. It would read something like this.
> 
> In a lifetime all British Subjects can kill 1/1000th of a human being without any recourse from the law. So we wouldn't have Politicians who get up everyone's knows, Giles Brandreth, Matthew Parris, or (And here's the advantage, No SBGG!) So long as you can get 999 other people to agree with you.
> 
> Of course members of the House of Lords would be exempt, rank hath its privilege.



If they have so much privilege, could you reduce the fraction killable without an infraction of law? Can it be changed by a power of ten, to 1/100th?

Can I add Vanessa Felts to your list?


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2014)

For you Speicher, almost anything. Of course Ms Felts can be added.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Feb 2014)

I have a new hobby "hobbling about, having a odd bit when every thing goes black then coming around all confused laying in a pile like a rag doll".
It is very entertaining and lots of fun! I keep asking the kids to take photos of the positions I land in as I think they might be quite humorous. They have promised no daffodils will be used in any of the photographs and they will all be done in the best possible taste.

The bits going on holiday with out me are starting to get together I suspect they might be forming a union and may go on indefinite strike for better clothing. A trip to primarni might be in the offing and I have a budget of £9.36 in mind for a compleat season of outfits. I know it is going over the top but I thing I deserve some posh clothes.
My lads think I should go on the pull down the day centre on bingo night but I am not convinced this would be agood idea.


----------



## byegad (8 Feb 2014)

I suggest you dilute the home brew with something less intoxicating, like Rocket Fuel or 100% proof industrial alcohol. 

When you fall over do you make interesting noises and twitch or lie down like you are suddenly overcome with a severe case of death? I ask as we would love  hate  to accidentally bury you when you hadn't actually croaked!


----------



## Speicher (8 Feb 2014)

I am confusesluded about how you, @markg0vbr, can go to a day centre on bingo night.


----------



## byegad (8 Feb 2014)

That relates to the infamous night of shame at the Rawmarsh Bingo Hall Hovel.

Some of the 'incidents' are Sub-Judice but the local Police had to say this, and I quote from the Rawmarsh Town Crier's script of the day of the opening of the trials.
'A person of hirsute appearance was performing several indecent acts while female inhabitants denizens of Rawmarsh were either running away, fainting with a fit of the vapours, or in the case of the more stalwart members of the crowd laughing openly. When arrested the miscreant was unwilling to state his name, instead claiming divine authority and mumbling something about his chesticals*!' 

* This may well be a mistake and certainly Rawmarsh Constafoolery chose to interpret this word rather differently. 

His Honour Judge Byegad** is understood to be making a move in the House of Lords to reinstate the death penalty for one day only.

** No relation to the present writer, honest! (Well not a close relation, he lives in Rawmarsh and Byegad Towers is on the Northern Marches of the North Riding of Yorkshire! Anyway I spend much of my time OOP North in County Durham at the Embassy.


----------



## n-ick (10 Feb 2014)

_I have a new hobby "hobbling about, having a odd bit when every thing goes black then coming around all confused laying in a pile like a rag doll"._

At last ! Some sense , has the human race been added to by a normal being ?


----------



## Speicher (13 Feb 2014)

In this particle of west Worcestershire it seems that we have gussets of strong wind according to a local website. I spose that is what heppens when you leave the house and skirt the city centre, while not wearing trousies.

Do you have gussets of wind in your land of the northern north?


----------



## Scoosh (13 Feb 2014)

We have 'a gentle breeze' ... probably around 35mph ... and some  !!!


----------



## byegad (13 Feb 2014)

Nothing worse than a windy gusset!


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2014)

► 2:38► 2:38
Www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hmDZz5pDOQ


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Feb 2014)

I am trying to retire.
So if have been thinking of small business franchise I can sell to in investors. the best has been porridge on a stick but not any old porridge it will be enriched with healthy things like herring, hazel nut shells, egg shell. Then dipped in a thin lard coating to keep them fresh and moist. A good selling point will be if you are trapped by flood water you can use them as a flotation aid they will be just as edible after and will do you good.

Instead of go to work on an egg " go to work on porridge on a stick with health bits in it raped in lard".


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2014)

There he goes raping again.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2014)

Better than him rapping though ....


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2014)

Or C........

On second thoughts, maybe we'll wrap that line of thinking up.


----------



## n-ick (14 Feb 2014)

_*"I am trying to retire."*_
From what ?


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2014)

n-ick said:


> _*"I am trying to re-tire."*_
> From what ?



From the wheel (of Life ?)


----------



## byegad (14 Feb 2014)

I never thought of the SBGG as a retiring type. 

In your face? Yes!

Retiring? No way!


----------



## Scoosh (14 Feb 2014)

Re-tiring the spare tire maybe ???


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Feb 2014)

Low blood pressure is fantastic, if you want to feel a bid drunk just stand up quick the sit back and enjoy.
The boss don't like me having my lunch at my desk with my feet up on the wheelchair and insist I go and sit in the soft chairs* but I can't put my legs up then and all the blood rushed away from my head! now when you have a brain the size of a planet it needs a lot of blood so you tend to go a bit funny after a bIt then every one starts flapping about. 
Why can't people just leave you alone when you know what your doing and how to manage ?




* very comfortable if you are Quasimodo crossed with a West Country cider drinker Or bygad.


----------



## n-ick (19 Feb 2014)

_*"brain the size of a planet it needs a lot of blood "*_, think he meant peanut.


----------



## byegad (19 Feb 2014)

You can get some very small planets, but methinks that he is confusticaterd again. The last brain scan on the SBGG came back with a negative!

As to my comfort requirements a soft arm chair, properly run in by several generations of Lord Byegads is the only requirement, apart from a never ending supply of young wenches from the peasantry.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2014)

As a child I went to Sunday school at the Salvation Army. I have only had the odd drink for medicinal reasons and 
After being t total for the past three years I have Been bombarded with pamphlets worming of the dangers of drinking while on the brain pils! I am outraged and wright to my mp at once.

Theremin concert is in the offing with 23 other enthusiasts, 3 can actually get recognisable tunes out of there's!


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2014)

I am now cognisant of the parameters of the recovery difficulties. The SBGG has been taking brain pills when, in realitea there is an absence of grey celliness in the cranial cavity of the above-mentioned SBGG.

Or alternatively he has hiss munderstood the concept of drinking on the brain pills, and stands on them when consuming Pilsner alcofrolic drinkys instead of consuming um brain pils.


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2014)

The first hypothesis is correct. The second is possible but unlikely as he couldn't spell Pilsner let alone get up the courage to order it at any Yorkshire Alko Frolik Diss Tree Byushon Sent Her.*

*He'd likely be lynched so keep trying to persuade him to try this.


----------



## Speicher (21 Feb 2014)

My Brother lives in Newcastle hupon Tyne. I was visiting Bristol with him one weekend. We decided to stop for a drink in Ye Olde Host Tellery, and he asked for a pint of Scotch. When the bar maiden did query that he really wanted a_ pint, _he con firmed that he did.

For chew it tussly I did intervene in this verbal intercourse, and explained to the effect that purr haps he had four gotten that a maiden in a bar in Bristol would not have the in cycle clop pedic no ledge to know that "Scotch" in New Castle is a bru of beer, named after the diss till her rye. She was of the opinion he wanted a pint of the alcofrolic much stronglier single malt of the Muir of Ord or Glen Moray variety. Whether that would be on the rocks or not, was not discuss Ted.


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2014)

Well that's a mistake anyone could make! The poor barmaid's edifikiayshun is sadly incomplete.


----------



## Speicher (21 Feb 2014)

As the afore-mentioned Hostelry was near the docks I was tempted to ask for a Schooner of sherry. Would she have gone in search of a three-masted sailing vessel?


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2014)

Speicher said:


> As the afore-mentioned Hostelry was near the docks I was tempted to ask for a Schooner of sherry. Would she have gone in search of a three-masted sailing vessel?


Har! Harr! Me hearty! Belike wi' a curse!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2014)

All aboard the pugwash, sea man stains, put the kettle on.


----------



## byegad (22 Feb 2014)

Avast behind and Roger the cabin boy!


----------



## Speicher (22 Feb 2014)

Is the sun over the yard arm yet?

Oi, your plimsol line is under ye watter, happen yo have been loaded to the gunwales.


----------



## byegad (23 Feb 2014)

Shiver me timbers!


----------



## n-ick (23 Feb 2014)

Pieces of brake !


----------



## byegad (23 Feb 2014)

Damn parrot's crapped all the way down my long coat with the silver buckles. He also keeps shouting 'Pieces of Thirty Two'! Damn inflation! I blame the gibberment.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Feb 2014)

That bird has clearly been learning its times tables the old-fashioned way ...


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Feb 2014)

Your all nut !




Raving barm pots !


Talk like a pirate day is September 19th
Being the only sane one can be lonely at times.....

My lad is trying to ween me on to curry as it is the only thing he can make. So small amounts of curry powder are being added to my banana sandwiches, porridge and anti chafing chubrub , though the last one might be a step too far.


----------



## Scoosh (25 Feb 2014)

markg0vbr said:


> My lad is trying to ween me on to *curry as it is the only thing he can make*. ...


Some years ago, when I had newly arrived in Singapore, I asked a nice lady there if she could teach me how to make curry.

She replied, "*It is a life's work*" - so your lad is clearly a re-incarnation of some one ... but who ?



The thought of him being a re-incarnation of the SBGG ....


----------



## byegad (25 Feb 2014)

Reset Universe???

Fatal error! Code 101010 consult handbook and contact Multiverse support on 08457 000 5H17.


----------



## n-ick (26 Feb 2014)

Fatal error exposed, how could you miss this ..?....

*"Being the only sane one can be lonely at times....."*


----------



## Scoosh (26 Feb 2014)

n-ick said:


> Fatal error exposed, how could you miss this ..?....


 - has SBGG removed his clothings ????


----------



## byegad (26 Feb 2014)

For the 1 out of 10 people who understand binary and read HHGtG I made a joke up there and you all missed it!


----------



## Scoosh (26 Feb 2014)

I'm the 1 who doesn't ... and did ...


----------



## byegad (26 Feb 2014)

Well it is a 50/50 chance you don't. See:- http://www.mathsisfun.com/binary-number-system.html


----------



## n-ick (5 Mar 2014)

View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=didO-DHpnAE


----------



## byegad (5 Mar 2014)

Well it's been three years plus since the much mooted and advertised recovery was due to start. I'm sure the small army of Psychologists who lurk on this forum have enough to write up for the next thirty years worth of papers for professional journals of high repute and more than enough to write the Papers of Committal for the self-styled SBGG. Maybe all is quiet as the men with the plain white van and tie back sleeved overcoat have finally arrived to remove him from right thinking society. (And Southerners.) 

Congratulations to Nick, Speicher, Scoosh and the rest of the contributing correspondence which has amassed the evidence. Visiting times for the Rawmarsh Home for the Terminally Confused and Bemused are regular and I intend to draw up a list of contributors' visiting days. As the regular visiting times are every Shrove Tuesday afternoon each year except Leap Years, I confidently expect you all will turn up bang on the start at 12.23pm and leave promptly at 12.30pm when the bell is rung. Saying longer only antagonises the staff and further confuses the inmates.


----------



## byegad (5 Mar 2014)

Addendum to the above. And staying longer than the prescribed 7 minutes also tends to confuse visitors so much that the staff have been known to refuse exit to later leavers on the grounds that they now qualify for a bed!


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Mar 2014)

I am happy, I am happy, I know I am.

I had a bath! Had a shave.
Throwing beat root can behazardous


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2014)

Ladels and Gellyspoons I rest my case, set down my valise, park my portmanteau, slam down my sea-chest and retire to the library to plan my revenge!


----------



## Speicher (6 Mar 2014)

I shall leave in a huff, or a minute and a huff, or a taxi.

In the alternative, will you proffer me the borrowment of your Cabriolet and your Coach man, Byegad?


----------



## Speicher (6 Mar 2014)

byegad said:


> Ladels and Gellyspoons I rest my case, set down my valise, park my portmanteau, slam down my sea-chest and retire to the library to plan my revenge!



Is not your Library closed on a Thursday?


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2014)

1. Speicher old gal. You know which county I'm from! Lend? Silly girl!
2. My library is in the east wing and always open if I can find my key. Revenge, dreadful revenge is called for seeing how shopping the SBGG to the funny farm seems to have failed.


----------



## n-ick (7 Mar 2014)

Our library is closed for 2 months. They let us have 40 books out each. On the following Monday I noticed a van outside with "Asbestos removal specialist" on the sides. Good job that I didn't take them up on their offer or spend hours sitting in there coughing like the residents.

Hey ho , cause for concern, in addition to the death of The York Cycle show, I note that Olympians might be worried by this new sport,

_*"Throwing beat root can behazardous"

Here's to the next three years, assuming we don't get injured by flying beats.
*_


----------



## Speicher (7 Mar 2014)

Only a knit would start throwing beets around. 







Or you could runner bean round the track. Look at these knits!


----------



## byegad (7 Mar 2014)

Oh dear! Another low for the thread knitted people.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Mar 2014)

I must learn to knit I can the start knitting my self a team of support workers! The first on I will call "Ignore" as I am not a mad scientist, just a slightly crumbly practical antenna high frequency experimenter.

Now lacking most of the use of my left arm and manly striding about like Frankensteins manservant after several beatings, three explosions, an electrocution and having a rather annoying blister on his left foot. 

I have once again been voted the most accomplished exponent of the funny walk, by the sub comity of my motorcycle club.
A mention was mad at the award for conspicuous dedication to the art form, my classic left tangent stutter shamble with pirouette double pike upsidasy, Being a prime example.

I don't want to be in pain any moor it's stopped beefing funny now, it was ok when I was in my teens it had novelty value but now I fancy something beggabull like having a slight limp now and then but not teeth grinding pain, it hurts.
It is making me loose my grip on reality; looking at my must jot that down before my drug addled brain wonders on to something els pad.
I had written "make enquirers about joining the local Tory party"!!!
I even asked one of the " we will just stand about chatting about crap and be totally self absorbed and oblivious to any thing going on around us" pavement sheep in the supermarket to move there trolly rather than just pushing it along the isle with me like I normally do making them come and fetch it. 
I did not have a rant* at the driver of a works van** taking up two disabled spaces as he went to the cash point, I just parked across the back of him preventing the van from leaving while I went to the chemist and got my lovely drugs.
Is this a symptom or just a faze ? 


*i like a good rant it is a good cheep hobby and gets me out in the fresh air. 
**British gas


----------



## byegad (8 Mar 2014)

It appears, that a Mr J Cleese has instructed solicitors regarding the SBGG's attempt at infringing his copyright of silly walks and so the Byegad retained solicitors of Messrs Hadaway and S'Hyte have asked that I do not comment as the case is Sub Judice.

As a hopefully helpful aside I advise the SBGG to leave the County as soon as possible as the Bailiffs of the High Court have instructions to search Yorkshire (And look under the bed.) for the wretch and clap him in irons before his appearance in court.

As a member of the Upper House I'm forcing myself to endure London in order to push a motion in the Lords to reinstate the Death Penalty for the specific offence of taking the wee out of a 'National Treasure' (In this case, Mr J Cleese.). As the SBGG has been active in putting himself about since my last attempt at a similar law I have high hopes! Byegad Towers weekend party for next weekend (Wednesday 12th to Tuesday 18th.) Is sadly postponed and those select few of our contributors who were invited are asked to please await a further invitation in the near future, hopefully for a celebratory month long champagne party to celebrate the result of Lord Byegad's endeavours.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Mar 2014)

I love drugs!


My funny walk has a copy write dated 1964 and a subsequent trade mark was put in for the "SBGG Logo"
My new clothing line will be in the shops soon.

Lard prevents corrosion and is a cheap substitute for KY, I have discovered recently.

My eyes are terrible, I. Have three pairs of glasses for use at different times of the day.


----------



## Speicher (10 Mar 2014)

Please try to avoid making a spectacle of yourself when wearing two pairs of glasses.


----------



## n-ick (10 Mar 2014)

Spud has developed a patented eye laser treatment machine. It's gaurenteed to stop you wearing glasses.

Last time he tripped the switch a beam went straight through his end wall and cut a road sign in half, hurrah !


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Mar 2014)

I had my fist ride of the year today, with a Velcro strap a bit of old knicker elastic and three bog roll tubes I was almost able to steer and use the brake ..... Brakes are for wimps anyway.
The unfortunate thing about living in the lumpy bit of god country is when you have claimed them lovely hills you have to go down again, this can be a problem when you have a vertigo and muscle spasms! But it is entertaining I went back around to one of the steep hills for the buzz extremelyterrifyingdisentwithaiklebitofbummholepinshing.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Mar 2014)

@markg0vbr 
Chapeau SBGG !  Nothing like a bit of bodging to get things working right _enough_, so they don't come apart in your hands when going down one of them thar hills, in the wet, in the dark, with lots of noisy vehicles thinking that it is _their_ road and WTF is 'that thing' ... 



[this post has a special nano-technology blinker on it, so it can only be read by @markg0vbr and me ! , so naff off, you nay-sayers ... ]


----------



## byegad (14 Mar 2014)

Great! What a scenario.

A rider held together by Japanned Black screws, spit, old lard and recycled Sellotape with a trike whose vital functions are controlled by means of knicker elastic (used), velcro and bog roll inners! With luck the SBGG will be a victim of an out of control descent and a SMIDSY at the next junction when he fails to stop. We can but hope. Meanwhile his ego continues to flourish as his body doesn't.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Mar 2014)

Jealousy is not a good emotion, @byegad ....


----------



## byegad (15 Mar 2014)

Scoosh said:


> Jealousy is not a good emotion, @byegad ....



A statement that could only have come from one who had not met the being that terms itself a Sun Bronzed Geek God. 
Careful what you wish for Scoosh, or I'll buy him a one-way ticket North on the next waste lard schooner out of Whitby.  And then Yorkshire will celebrate and we could see folk actually buying their own beer!


----------



## Scoosh (15 Mar 2014)

byegad said:


> And then Yorkshire will celebrate and we could see folk actually buying their own beer!


----------



## byegad (15 Mar 2014)

Ah! The famous Stunt Pigs of the YAF.


----------



## Scoosh (15 Mar 2014)

Errr ... No.

That is a covert pic of our own SBGG during one of his downhill escapades. 


For obvious reasons, it has not been shown before ....  - one doesn't want to frighten the natives/ peasants....


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Mar 2014)

The local chapter of the druids MCC have now reserved me my very own arm chair.
On band nights, I can get all comfy when I fall to sleep for a bit, on waking one of the pledges bring me a rather nice cup of tea. 
It is on a podium at the corner of the buffet table insight of the serving hatch so I can raise my walking stick when a refill is required.
The wood burning stove is at the side of the chair, I have put in a request to up grade it to a recliner.

From some of the phones I have seen is it quite popular for the young lumpy jumpers to pose at the side of me as I am closely examining the inside of my eye lids.


----------



## classic33 (16 Mar 2014)

Scoosh said:


>


 Less of that about Gods County.


----------



## byegad (16 Mar 2014)

Scoosh said:


> Errr ... No.
> 
> That is a covert pic of our own SBGG during one of his downhill escapades.
> 
> ...


An easy mistake to make.


----------



## n-ick (18 Mar 2014)

*"On band nights, I can get all comfy when I fall to sleep for a bit, on waking one of the pledges bring me a rather nice cup of tea. "*

I note with alarm that minions have been replaced with pledges. Have minions evolved into more useful forms of slaves ? Will white fluffy kittens be next ?
Will the SBGG ever recover ?


----------



## byegad (18 Mar 2014)

I think the last minion died of neglect last year. Either neglect or lard poisoning! 

The SBGG is beginning to resemble the lost dog I saw advertised in the local press. 
It read:-
Lost Jack Russell. Has three legs, one eye, missing ear, a broken tooth and has been neutered. Answers to 'Lucky'. If found, please call.........


----------



## Scoosh (18 Mar 2014)

SBGG's chemicals are obviously working well if he has 3 legs now ....  - the rest I can well believe.


----------



## byegad (18 Mar 2014)

We used to call him Jake! 

Now it's Joke.


----------



## n-ick (21 Mar 2014)

An interlude follows,


View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JqowmHgxVJQ


----------



## markg0vbr (31 Mar 2014)

n-ick said:


> *"On band nights, I can get all comfy when I fall to sleep for a bit, on waking one of the pledges bring me a rather nice cup of tea. "*
> 
> I note with alarm that minions have been replaced with pledges. Have minions evolved into more useful forms of slaves ? Will white fluffy kittens be next ?
> Will the SBGG ever recover ?


Pledges are free men wanting to joking the motorbike gang they are allowed to do the menial day to day stuff until they prove there loyalty to the mcc or disappear and are never spoken of again.

The minions are going strong and I have acquired another one with a lumpy jumper, it belongs to the youngish of the original minions, a minion's, minion.

Things at communication head quarters are going well I am now in negotiations to erect a aerial across three other gardens. I just have to convince mini me to dig a tunnel under next doors garden to house the feeder-lien.
He is being a bit stubborn about it wanting extra food and less beatings, I may have to use the electric prod to goad he on a bit.


----------



## byegad (31 Mar 2014)

You feed him!!!???!!!

When I were a lad...etc...etc...etc...


----------



## byegad (3 Apr 2014)

Only two weeks and I'll be packed for my trip to Berwick upon Tweed. Perhaps I'll soon need to pack my passport for future trips as we do cross into Scotland on some of our rides. Maybe we could ask that nice Mr Salmond if he'd like a village idiot for Edinburgh? The SBGG would be happy over the border and we'd be happy too!


----------



## Scoosh (4 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> Only two weeks and I'll be packed for my trip to Berwick upon Tweed. Perhaps I'll soon need to pack my passport for future trips as we do cross into Scotland on some of our rides. Maybe we could ask that nice Mr Salmond if he'd like a village idiot for Edinburgh? The SBGG would be happy over the border and we'd be happy too!


I live in Edinburgh ! 

We have enough village idiots  - they (_eck al_) are kept in a (not) secure (enough) facility called Holyrood ...


----------



## byegad (4 Apr 2014)

So you'll not be noticing another then! Thanks for volunteering Scoosh!


----------



## Scoosh (4 Apr 2014)

It would be selfish of us to take in all the  - and, as we are known for our generosity (like those of your ilk[ley moor]), we will decline on this occasion.

We take little notice of those we have at the moment, so another one ... isn't needed, thank you.


----------



## Speicher (4 Apr 2014)

Could we export him to Cally Phone Ya? It is warmerish there.


----------



## byegad (4 Apr 2014)

Maybe we could tie him to several bricks and let him walk to Caly Fornicate Yah! While he's on the way he can breathe through a long straw.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Apr 2014)

Speicher said:


> Could we export him to Cally Phone Ya? It is warmerish there.


He'd also be much more 'amongst his own kind' in Cally What's-it. 

This would be very good for his - and their - souls


----------



## Scoosh (4 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> Maybe we could tie him to several bricks and let him walk to Caly Fornicate Yah! While he's on the way he can breathe through a long straw.


Could it be arranged that he draws the short straw .. .


----------



## byegad (4 Apr 2014)

Ah! Souls!

Anything to export the SBGG.


----------



## classic33 (6 Apr 2014)

Scoosh said:


> It would be selfish of us to take in all the  - and, as we are known for our generosity (like those of your ilk[ley moor]), we will decline on this occasion.
> thank you.


tis Ilkla Moor!


----------



## byegad (6 Apr 2014)

Without one's headgear old chap.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Apr 2014)

I am practising my Spanish, it is sortof like my German, I just add a manwell sort of lisp and try not to mention my grandad fighting in the civil war as one of General lord Ismay's men in black, we'll browny tope really with black boots and a vermilion Wide brimmed fedora.
He must have mad an impression on his lord ship as he kept in touch with him, Hence the middle name thing "Ismay" .

"Ooola Deago mi old cock any chance r a cupa tea ci-thi grassy bum monome are kid"
I have some old letters from some one in Barcelona with a name a bit like a one bar electric fire.
She real had the hot for him from reading the letters.


----------



## byegad (7 Apr 2014)

Fluent in Gibberish in three languages. A real talent the SBGG has there.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Apr 2014)

I am now broadcasting on the mw band only 2 kilowatts, it is all the valves will take without water cooling them.
The antenna is a 10m fishing rod atop a 6m scaffolding pole as this is very short for the mw band I have to do some gierypokery with coils and sticky outy things.

I love my drugs! I get to be all drunk and fally overy several times a day! And fall asleep mid conversation on the phone, I have listened to some of the recordings, On one it is mid word.

The sculpting of this well oiled and suntanned hunk of a body is going well. Though trapped wind can still be a problem/delight when out with the kids a well placed trump can make them glow with pride when out and about.


----------



## n-ick (9 Apr 2014)

I note with alarm that notices about overhead power lines have all been removed in the vicinity of our tame alien.


----------



## byegad (9 Apr 2014)

Rawmarsh will soon have a vacancy for village idiot. Their Assassin's Guild have apparently waived the fee on the SBGG and only need an application from a member of the public to 'expedite' the inhumation. Will the volunteers, please form an orderly queue outside Byegad Towers, West Wing with their name, for accreditation purposes only, written in pencil on a £20 note?


----------



## classic33 (10 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> Will the volunteers, please form an orderly queue outside Byegad Towers, West Wing with their name, for accreditation purposes only, written in pencil on a £20 note?


Real or fake £20 note?


----------



## byegad (10 Apr 2014)

Real of course. Anyone passing fake notes will be reported to the local magistrate, me, and chastised with extreme prejudice. The dungeons are in full working order!


----------



## Scoosh (10 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> The dungeons are in full working order!


I have it on good authority that Byegad's dungeons are not at all pleasant ...  ... dark, black holes, with all sorts of interesting little beasties scurrying about. 




Highly recommended for an SBGG Activity Week-end !


----------



## byegad (10 Apr 2014)

Scoosh is correct and our IGOR is looking forward to meeting, greeting and disassembling the SBGG. He calculath that recycled the thcrewth in the SBGG'th leg could make thixteen penthe. His lisps, not mine. Apparently he's looking for a hand and thinks the SBGG's left one will suit him admirably.


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> Scoosh is correct and our IGOR is looking forward to meeting, greeting and disassembling the SBGG. He calculath that recycled the thcrewth in the SBGG'th leg could make thixteen penthe. His lisps, not mine. Apparently he's looking for a hand and thinks the SBGG's left one will suit him admirably.


Weeeeee I have a lifting kite to fly my long wire it will be up 1250m, it should stay up over night.


I used to work with an Igor he changed his name to Boris! He has not got my almost supernatural ability to kill. So had to get a job driving a van.


----------



## byegad (11 Apr 2014)

IGORs are a well known type of servant within the ruling classes, so no surprise the SBGG has never met one.

Our IGOR has his father's eyes, mother's left hand and the 12th Lord Byegad's toenails. He is a self made being, literally! They are 'martherths' of transplant (I have it from his grandfather's lips.) and do exquisite work with an needle. You can hardly see the join! 

With Scoosh's kite and a really good 'thunderthtorm' we could bring the SBGG's brain back to life. IF we had his brain to hand. I heard he'd sold it to the transplant hospital as used, one owner, hardly used.


----------



## Scoosh (11 Apr 2014)

> ... we could bring the *SBGG's brain *back to life


ERROR 101 - Connection not recognised.


----------



## byegad (12 Apr 2014)

Well OK we'd have to find it first! But assuming there is a microscope powerful enough and we were lucky...


----------



## n-ick (13 Apr 2014)

Unless I'm sadly mistaken he's about 1/4 of the way along this line. Would stem cell transplant work ?
I was thinking either a carrot or a goldfish .


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Apr 2014)

It has come to my attention that the insignificant small people are feeling a bit hard pressed paying tax ect ....
I think we need to get things in perspective.

If you squint and stand on one leg so you wobble about a bit then hummmm very loudly long enough all your troubles resolve in to the desire not to be humming on one leg squinting, by doing this your balance will be restored and mood lightened.

A dippy egg is never a bad idea.


----------



## Scoosh (16 Apr 2014)

There is the same logic in what he says here ...


----------



## byegad (16 Apr 2014)

Nurse! Scoosh has caught it! Send for the white van!


----------



## Scoosh (16 Apr 2014)

_au contraire, M'sieur_ - Scoosh has merely pointed out that, when one is doing something uncomfortable, it hitting a certain head against a brick wall can be a pleasurable experience ... for the hitter and, possibly, for the wall also.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Apr 2014)

Scoosh said:


> There is the same logic in what he says here ...




If the situation ie: a voting system that has representative of a small minority in government with no way to influence this ....... Why stress

In the modern world if it didn't happen in a tv soap it is of no consequence, around 70% of people do not vote in local government elections most of them under 40 ....... Tinky winky for president of the univers!

Most of the people around you Can't be bothered with working get every thing given to them and then they demand moor and think they are hard don to. so go out robing and coning poor or elderly people.... Apart from giving them a good hiding in the back of a van and dropping them off in the middle of nowhere bleeding and naked.... What can you do! 

Local gangsters it seems are taking a grater interest in local policing than her majesty's finest who are extremely adept at handing out crime numbers.

Why stress relax have a big attack dog a old table leg by the bed* and give all your rapid fire cross bows and explosives to friends to look after while your are in a bit of a black mood.
Keep your list up to date as we'll it is very cathartic.



*as it is just something laying about the house it is not a weapon, make sure you pull the nails out before the fuzz come to pick up the whimpering scumbag


----------



## Speicher (17 Apr 2014)

I am sniff recobering fron sneeze anasty dold.

I do not have the energy for blipping some one ober the head with a table leg, and then pulling the nails out.


----------



## byegad (17 Apr 2014)

Leave the nails in if you want to cause real damage.


----------



## classic33 (18 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> Leave the nails in if you want to cause real damage.


I can just reach for the felling axe. Always a keen edge to it.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Apr 2014)

Speicher said:


> I am sniff recobering fron sneeze anasty dold.
> 
> I do not have the energy for blipping some one ober the head with a table leg, and then pulling the nails out.


Colds are for whimps man up.

I have asked the boss to put the sick calls through to me ..... As I will be politically correct and sympathetic to the malingering.

My brain pils are full of impurities they are the cheep stuff being a generic pill, probably made in some ones back shed in Mexico or Bulgaria.
This May account for the extreme mood swings and barley-suppressed need to give some people a really good slap, text walkers, texting scooter riders, "what's up with you I will only be two second I am going to the cash point/fags/weeks worth of shopping", people that whinge about the state of the country and don't vote, people who say "I have never read a book" and are proud of it!, girls with that much makeup on the would not feel a slap through it and what looks like a deadcat balanced on their head, smokers that expect me to cover there calls when they go off for yet another fag, this is not an inclusive list but a start.

When did I become my very much loved and missed dad!


----------



## n-ick (21 Apr 2014)

When did you become the Easter bunny boiler ?


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2014)

When did the SBGG develop his delusions?


----------



## Speicher (22 Apr 2014)

byegad said:


> When did the SBGG develop his delusions?



Bootses the Chemist and Any Other Foto Shop have both stopped accepting film for development if the fotos have been taken by SBGG. He therefore develops them in his own darkroom. Other activities may take place in the above-mentionned dark place. Who knows?

I am not sure if his De Lusions are in black and white, colour, psychedelic or flowery scent.


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2014)

Is his Delusion the same as my late Father's Delorean? Very flash and useless.


----------



## n-ick (30 Apr 2014)

Think it's this one,


----------



## byegad (7 May 2014)

Looks like Nick got it right and the SBGG has slunk off to get proper treatment. (Not involving lard.) 
Could we meet the real Mark at some point soon?
Will he turn out to be normal??
What will his first sane words be???
What happened between Dan Archer and Tom Forest around the back of The Bull on the 15th of May 1959????
Who killed Sue-Ellen?????
Who cares??????


----------



## Scoosh (7 May 2014)

No; No; Yes; No; maybe; Dunno; Dunno

Select any combination of answers to answer the above questions.


 - Glad that's sorted and normality sanity returns to this thread.


----------



## byegad (7 May 2014)

Scoosh said:


> No; No; Yes; No; maybe; Dunno; Dunno
> 
> Select any combination of answers to answer the above questions.
> 
> ...



FTFY


----------



## n-ick (12 May 2014)

Sending some of these off to the gulag where he allegedly works,


----------



## byegad (17 May 2014)

Just back from a visit to North Norfolk. On Embassy duties of course, I was exploring the possibilities of having a ditch dug from the Wash to the Mersey flooding it and populating the ditch with man eating sharks and so declaring UDI from the nasty Southerners. Sadly the people of North Norfolk won't go for this as they want to be cut off from the 'weekend brigade' from Lunnon.


----------



## n-ick (19 May 2014)

I say old chap, that would probably run right through our ha ha. We'd be in a wet dmz. Would it not be possible to divert such a trench around Rawmarsh connected to the Northern Oceans ?


----------



## byegad (26 May 2014)

Well the nation has played the choose the loony and the results are in! 

Nigel Porridge leads the way! Does this mean that the SBGG will soon be exported to the European Parliament to confuse and bemuse Johnny Foreigner?
Did he stand for election?

If he did I hope the people of Yorkshire voted for him. A 10% increase* in County wide average IQ is worth the vote.

*Once he's gone!


----------



## n-ick (28 May 2014)

Giant minions


----------



## byegad (29 May 2014)

Eye, eye, eye-eye.


----------



## n-ick (31 May 2014)

Eyeup !


----------



## byegad (31 May 2014)

Another eyeful joke.


----------



## n-ick (4 Jun 2014)

Tour de force


----------



## byegad (5 Jun 2014)

BLACKPOOL! (by the seine!)


----------



## n-ick (5 Jun 2014)

Seine or Inseine, where is he ?


----------



## byegad (5 Jun 2014)

Insane and lost, lost and gorn!


----------



## n-ick (7 Jun 2014)

Gorn and never called me muvver


----------



## n-ick (8 Jul 2014)

Nobody tell him about this, let's keep it village idiot free,
http://www.yorkrally.dougiereid.co.uk


----------



## byegad (9 Jul 2014)

Let's hope it takes off.


----------



## n-ick (9 Jul 2014)

I've signed up. So that's £10 in the pot.


----------



## byegad (9 Jul 2014)

Yup! I'm in. I added an extra £5.00 to keep 'em going.


----------



## n-ick (14 Jul 2014)

By Jinkers ! Did you find the combination lock of your wallet and let the moths out ?

The important thing is not to let the SSGB know, anything.


----------



## byegad (15 Jul 2014)

I didn't say it was my money!

Lady Byegad left her handbag unguarded for 20 seconds and I was able to prise out a £10 note. She's a foreigner, born in County Durham, so not anywhere near mean enough to set traps on her handbag like most Yorkshirewomen do.


----------



## n-ick (25 Jul 2014)

When you wake up ensure to count your fingers.


----------



## byegad (26 Jul 2014)

Spotted in Rawmarsh, a Unidentifiable Sun Bronzed Body Thing. Will its keeper please remove it and put it back in its cage.


----------



## n-ick (26 Jul 2014)

Holy Mad Max 4 !
I couldn't possibly suggest a caption competetion. Anyhow , this is being ticked off in my "I Spy" book of fools.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jul 2014)

Nice 60's colour tinge to that pic ...


----------



## byegad (30 Jul 2014)

That'll be caused by the vapours that the SBGG exudes from the pores of his Sun Bronzed body!


----------



## n-ick (30 Jul 2014)

I understand that the future is riderless motorbikes.


----------



## byegad (31 Jul 2014)

To go with rudderless governments and heartless bankers I presume.


----------



## n-ick (1 Aug 2014)

Cool, I wish to present exhibit A , your 'onour. Something seems to be missing .


----------



## Scoosh (1 Aug 2014)

Her's a good-looking chap - who is he ? Some famous athlete ???


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2014)

Roll on independence for Scotland if one of Edinburgh's finest thinks that is good looking!

THAT in all of its horror is the SBGG in 'calm' mode. Seen in the wild in 'being normal' mode he can be seen riding recumbent trikes like a man possessed of no sense on two wheels and disappearing into hedges. He can talk for hours about his lard collection, or bemoan his lack of minions that goes on for so long that weaker listeners might take their own lives rather than volunteer.

Edit.. Just a thought but if you do go your own way would you like him in Edinburgh as city idiot? He'd be under employed so you could loan him out to outlying villages like Glasgow.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Aug 2014)

When we become independent , he might have difficulty getting across the border. We will be pretty selective, you know ... though we might need a permanent presence on Rockall, come to think of it.


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2014)

Damn! Damn! Damn! Plan U to get rid of the SBGG fails. On to plan V.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Aug 2014)

Perhaps I should have said 'if we ...' ... so there could be hope for one of us yet ...


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2014)

I've already got several ex-POWs digging a secret tunnel under the Tweed so I'm looking to a win/win situation on this one. THAT is the magnificence of Plan V from County Durham.


----------



## currystomper (4 Aug 2014)

159 Pages - blooming heck, that was quite a read.

Its threads like this that cause War (or Peace)


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2014)

Welcome currystomper. Sad to say this insanity has gone on far too long and is now left available only to ensnare the unwary. Send a pm to the SBGG for the address of his brain carer. You will need it.


----------



## n-ick (5 Aug 2014)

Last time we had a look , it was something like this, but much smaller,


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2014)

Way too big. the SBGG is the only person who's head rings with the exact same tone as Big Ben, complete with crack.


----------



## n-ick (8 Aug 2014)

Is this a case of bucolic dystopia ?


----------



## byegad (8 Aug 2014)

Is it white or red, anyway I'll drink any wine!


----------



## n-ick (9 Aug 2014)

Not mine !


----------



## n-ick (18 Aug 2014)

Time to lure the beast of Rawmarsh out from his pit,

Lard !


----------



## byegad (18 Aug 2014)

OH! NOAH!

You've done it now. I've already ordered the Drawbridge raised, the minefields activated and all of the Militia mobilised. I knew the Ninth* Lord's collection of moderne weponnes of warre would come in useful. All we need now are some good Yoemenne Archerres. 

* He commanded the reserves at Agincourt, from Byegad Towers.


----------



## n-ick (18 Aug 2014)

Ahrrr! 'Tis the very best stuff for luring out the Beast of Rawmaaaarrrrsh,


----------



## Scoosh (19 Aug 2014)




----------



## classic33 (20 Aug 2014)

n-ick said:


> Ahrrr! 'Tis the very best stuff for luring out the Beast of Rawmaaaarrrrsh,
> View attachment 53652


You're aware she's not wearing a thing on her lower half?


----------



## Scoosh (20 Aug 2014)

classic33 said:


> You're aware she's not wearing a thing on her lower half?


Oh - neither she is - apart from a small (very small) "modesty belt"      



Oi ! - go away  <- yes, you !


----------



## byegad (23 Aug 2014)

Do your own thing, but it looks like here someone's stolen her thing!


----------



## n-ick (24 Aug 2014)

Talking of things ....anyone seen our heard from the King of Rawmarsh ? I' m certain he starred in this most excellent docu drama,


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2014)

Er I was poorly but I got better!
not!

dribbling and drooling are now common along with slurd ears .I am on the sick again as the boss don't wNt any one sounding disabled on the phones. :-( 

I am not suffering a lard induced uforia so it must be the stresses of stardom.
I am now the prowd pilot of a lean stear hand trike, you could say being a SMI pro vertigo conasur this might be illconseaved but I present in evidence ....….….. Lard

The not boy mini me has won yet another scolership her third they have saved me £35,000 gosh I love my walet and am quite fond of the mini me.hence the selebrateory trike.

I will have to do a video of me meandering about on it.

In other news I am to be given drugs and some experimental ones so I am hoping for some entertaining sideafects.


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Sep 2014)

http://www.lightningbikes.com/images/handcycle/Hcycle_1sm1.jpg

You know the lack of hamster catapults can be attributed to at least three of the worst cases of tenice elbow in history.

The dictation of a history of lard has been put on hold as my iPad has had a nervous brake down and is in counseling and rehab. I have got as far as the roman empire lard was used in the massive crossbows to lubricate the wood laminations and fry the late cakes the centurions carried wrapped around the inside of their helmets as emergency padding and for frizzbi practice.

I note with interest that a migration of recumbent pilots is muted, na forecast towhit and there for ever so thoust one must thrust, thrust for honor glory and the right and privlige of a common free man of the parish to do so, repeatedly and with viggor don't his utility kilt.

Along with the back to front rain Mac for recumbent riders I have invented the recumbent kilt! On fast dissents a release cord is tuged freeing the hem and alowinge garment to inflate like a parashoot, as this would in efect blind the pilot a see through panel has been incerted at the front. 

not stand up time as I am going cross eyed trying to slow my thoughts down enough to type.


----------



## byegad (26 Sep 2014)

OH! NOAH!


He's back and still dribbling on about LARD!


----------



## Scoosh (26 Sep 2014)

Hey, SBGG - good to see you back !  We've been missing you all this time 

Glad to hear you are doing well all right  and are sharing your life experiences with us all once more.  


@markg0vbr 






  
OK - Doc, I'm coming ...


----------



## Speicher (26 Sep 2014)

@markg0vbr 



Congratulations and silly brations to the not boy mini you.


I look forward to seeing you and Erin about on your cellybratery trike.


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Sep 2014)

Speicher said:


> @markg0vbr
> I look forward to seeing you and Erin about on your cellybratery trike.



I am available for party's. 
The tilt trike has a turning circle of a oil tanker, though having quick release back wheels like a wheel chair, it can be popped in to the car Easley. 
I would go to events ect on the varna or if I am cycle camping the trice.
I hilly recommend anyone wanting to get fit a hand bike defiantly gets the job done never should you challenge a hand bike pilot to arm wrestle. 

God I love drugs.


----------



## Speicher (28 Sep 2014)

markg0vbr said:


> I am available for party's.
> The tilt trike has a turning circle of a oil tanker, though having quick release back wheels like a wheel chair, it can be popped in to the car Easley.
> I would go to events ect on the varna or if I am cycle camping the trice.
> I hilly recommend anyone wanting to get fit a hand bike defiantly gets the job done never should you challenge a hand bike pilot to arm wrestle.
> ...



I am surprised that your vintage Easley automobile is large enough for a trike. If the coachman and the chauffeur are on board, does this mean there is no room for the luncheon hamper and flasks of falling down water?

Me and Ering may throw a party sometime this winter. We are not sure where, or how yet. With your strength as a hand bike pilot, perhaps you are able to throw a party. Measures will be taken to see exactly how far you can throw it.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Sep 2014)

I juge how strong I am getting by the hhhhuuuuurrrrnnnf sound the lads make when I hug them.
The post hug whimpering and taking over the do is very entertaining.

Has any thing happens while I have been dribbling?
A campain has begun for aindependent Yorkshire, from the frosty resection in the capital we may see flat capped activists atacing polatishions with blackpudings!

The count Down to new and interesting side affects has begun Tuesday is the big oil drop I can't weight, its like Christmas.

I have removed the rediculasly tiny tyer from the racing back wheel they have flat spokes and are 451 20" so some derano 28-451 are on order I have two sets of the quick release wheels and am thinking of converting the varner As it is so easy to pop the back wheels off to get the trike in.

Leaning to stear it freaky and will take some getingv good at, also thepesition of the three brake levers.

The burnt crunchy bit count of this weeks lard harvest was high this may be the peek lard Prediction point ,

The staff do not ride in the car they sit on the top holding all the trikes on to the roof rails. It is good for them airs out their clothing. I have proposed they re introduce third class ticket on the trains with open repeppusd castle wagons to solve the overcrowding problems on the leads line.
Even though I take my own chair with me I get fedup with the bipeds moning about walking in to me and triping over my legs.

I have a flag in back like a trike that helps the only down fall are the texting while walking pavement sheep, teen lumpy jumpers are very intent on the thumb dancing and tend to diveout of the way as I hurtel toward them.

Can any one point me in the direction o a cheap motorcycle and side car, I would like to have a two. Deck trike transporter with a bit of thought I could make a trailer for the motortrike but I don't know what that would do to the handling?


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2014)

Scotty!
Scotty!!
Scotty!!!

FFS, beam him up!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Sep 2014)

Can't been me up I have tinfoil in my Shoes.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2014)

Now where's my lightning creator app? Tinfoil soles = fried SBGG.

Anyone want him well done?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Oct 2014)

Been a bit wobbly


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2014)

Wobbly, wibbly or wabbly? The cure for the first is a free one way trip to Switzerland. The other two will get better in two weeks if you take the green pills with a bottle of water, or a fortnight if you don't.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Oct 2014)

After a world class 9.95 face plant, concussion and face damage I think I may be having problems!
I had loos teeth but lucky did not have a broken nose.
I hardly felt a thing being on enough pain pils to drop a camel my have had something to do with this.

I have been looking at the veloschmitt and love the look but am still amazed we can't have one registered as a moped like Germany.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2014)

Maybe you should start to look after yourself, the photo of the damage on FB looks painful!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2014)

byegad said:


> Maybe you should start to look after yourself, the photo of the damage on FB looks painful!


<sbgg wipes a solitary tear from his cheek> snuuuuuuuurfffff you care! Ho I am so touched.
Not to worry it is only pain, this resulted from walking down the path.
God know what would have happened if I was doing an extreme sport, like putting my socks on.

I am excitedly looking forward to Wednesday I will be let loose with a bow and arrow, it is wheel chair archery club.
Apples, I have plenty, people to balance them on, no, not one, any volunteers.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2014)

I have requested a permission slip for me to run around with sharp pointy things.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Oct 2014)

Not very sporting wheelchair archery, most of them don't move about very fast.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2014)

Expensive getting the blood out of the wheelchairs too!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2014)

I have looked all over the interweb and found nothing about it, is it like fight club?
This could explain some of the limping pesants at byegad house! It is the sort of thing the landed gentry would be in to.

On the recovery, good news, the friction blister on the palm of my hand from sliding along the floor has popped. ( thanks to noble lard)
I have discovered you can bop up on your back wheels and one handed move sortof forward. Experiments will continue, in some one else's house. Sorryelizabethipromisnottodoitagain. 
Even better news i am coming over to byegad house for tea and a practice at one handed balancing on the back wheels polo.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2014)

Turn out the attack dogs!

Arm the minefields!

Lock the Treasury doors and flood the moats!

Alert the machine gun positions! The SBGG is on its way.

Doomed! Doomed! We're all doomed!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2014)

Stealth is the best thing about wheelchairs I can sneak up on you, in the post office, bank or supermarcado.
At any moment I could silently creep up on you.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2014)

The thing is stealth is even easier when you are not moving, just watching and waiting is easier. Plus! Wth the reward of a whole Guinea for the guard who brings me just the head of the SBGG I'm confident that Byegad Towers is secure.


----------



## classic33 (8 Oct 2014)

byegad said:


> The thing is stealth is even easier when you are not moving, just watching and waiting is easier. Plus! Wth the reward of a whole Guinea for the guard who brings me just the head of the SBGG I'm confident that Byegad Towers is secure.


Three headed dog any use?
Very good gate guard.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Oct 2014)

Bit wobbly again, pain is interesting but some times it hurts......

I can't get away from it I some times get fedup.
Will power only goes so far.


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2014)

classic33 said:


> Three headed dog any use?
> Very good gate guard.



Yes, sounds just the job to go with the Crocodiles in the moat and Lions in the Outer Bailey.


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2014)

Just come up with another line of defence. I'm letting the peasantry in the farms and villages of the estate know that I've arranged meals on wheels for them. Self delivery expected soon.


----------



## byegad (8 Nov 2014)

I've not seen the SBGG in the last month so perhaps he didn't try to get into Byegad Towers. 

However one of the peasant's family was looking well fed for a change, until they all died of some mystery disease! Perhaps yesterday's SBGG became today's peasant poo?


----------



## Scoosh (8 Nov 2014)

byegad said:


> I've not seen the SBGG in the last month …


Oh No  - you mean the SBGG can still be _seen_ ? I thought the stealth mode he was attempting was his contribution to sparing the human race from viewing things just too scary/hideous for victims to retain the desire and will to live. 

I believe the time has now come for a call to some of Lord Byegad's family working in the more hush-hush departments of our nation's security services, to establish the whereabouts of the SBGG, who could, possibly, just maybe, be a [whisper] security threat [unwhisper] … .

'They'  will know to deal with him.


----------



## byegad (9 Nov 2014)

Well 3 weeks ago they did this for me. Several of them are still under the specialist brain care team and the rest of them haven't been found but are believed to be in Antarctica, on the basis that the SBGG is unlikely to go there any time soon. Sadly this means that GCHQ and several other organisations, one of which may have had a connection with Hereford at one time, are understrength at the moment. But what is national security compared to CCers curiosity being satisfied? 

However the report said that he was visiting the deep Lard mines situated 'somewhere in the West Riding'. My money is still on the unexpected deaths of the suspiciously well fed looking 'Ardlyablesone family that was living almost* rent free in one of the hovels on the Estate. A search of their hovel and garden have turned up some metal screws from the failed bionic experiment that the local NHS tried a couple of years ago on the SBGG. 

*As in they worked 16hrs/day in the fields for a payment that was halved due to rent, halved again, for free water and the rest spent on food, from the farm shop on the estate. A great system that meant there was no waste from the Byegad Towers kitchens that was not either eaten by the pigs, or if they turned up their noses on the offered food, sold to the peasantry.


----------



## Scoosh (9 Nov 2014)

byegad said:


> A great system that meant there was no waste from the Byegad Towers kitchens that was not either eaten by the pigs, or if they turned up their noses on the offered food, sold to the peasantry.


Re-cyling and making a profit !  No wonder the Byegads have so much power, affluence, effluent and influence !


----------



## byegad (10 Nov 2014)

You forget never spending your own money, greed and being plain mean.


----------



## n-ick (29 Nov 2014)

Friday was black and I'm not mis quoting Robinson Crusoe, I see no ships.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Nov 2014)

Not even any hardships ? 

Life must be good'n'easy, then.


----------



## classic33 (30 Nov 2014)

Scoosh said:


> Not even any hardships ?
> 
> Life must be good'n'easy, then.


What about friendships!


----------



## byegad (30 Nov 2014)

Tis a long way to ye sea from Chez Nick. I'd be surprised if you could.

But if you are including words with ship in it then let me remind you peasants.


*Lord Byegad is a Lordship, unless he's on his bench when he's correctly addressed as Worship.*



Usher! Fetch the black cap!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jan 2015)

Now new and improved(as if that was possible !) chemicallyEnhanced SBGG.

Now I am so juiced up I can over take slow moving moss ant wounded snails.


----------



## byegad (19 Jan 2015)

Sun Bronze Geek God! Please stand!

I sentence you to be taken hence to the place of your last imprisonment and from there you will drawn on a hurdle through the streets of York to Whip-Ma-Wop-Ma Gate where you will be flogged, and then to Clifford's Tower where you will be Hung by the neck until nearly dead. You will be cut down, disembowelled and your privy parts removed and placed on a fire before your eyes. Finally your body will be quartered and the parts displayed in each Riding, and York for a year and a day.

After that we'll get serious!


----------



## Speicher (19 Jan 2015)

byegad said:


> Sun Bronze Geek God! Please stand!
> 
> I sentence you to be taken hence to the place of your last imprisonment and from there you will drawn on a hurdle through the streets of York to Whip-Ma-Wop-Ma Gate where you will be flogged, and then to Clifford's Tower where you will be Hung by the neck until nearly dead. You will be cut down, disembowelled and your privy parts removed and placed on a fire before your eyes. Finally your body will be quartered and the parts displayed in each Riding, and York for a year and a day.
> 
> After that we'll get serious!



There appears to be a flaw in your High Detification process. I can confirm that the party of the first part, the Mark of Govbr is a Sun Bronzed Greek God. Your proclamation is a dressed to a Sun Bronzed Geek. 

This makes your state mint very wrong, and not enforceable.

Mark may return to a not standing up position on his sofa.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2015)

I knew if I waited long enough I'd get the beggar!

As for Speicher's pathetic plea to save the Geek I refer her to his inability to spell, (He is definitely a Geek* and in no way Greek having been found and dragged up in the West Riding!) and the fact that Lord Byegad is an Atheist and so recognises no sky pixies.

*See his addition of a third wheel to a perfectly good motorcycle and his attempt to perfect a tracking checking machine from curtain rods.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jan 2015)

You may not know that my ability to spell is egg sellent.

Thereby and Heretoforward, I am serving written notice in Triplicate to Lord Byegad that I will be casting a spell on him. Then around midnight on the third and twentieth of this month, I will cast a spell to change Byegad into an creature of my choice.

Meanwhile I will be assisting the SBGG with a steady supply of Butties and Hot Beverages, as he is not standing up on the sofa.

I just need to find the location of Triplicate, and get there before Friday.


----------



## Scoosh (20 Jan 2015)

He's back ! 







I have tried to be a fraid but I can't seem to find out what one is.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jan 2015)

Scoosh said:


> He's back !
> 
> View attachment 77434
> 
> ...



I think they are like the tuits, the round ones that is.

I will have a look for a fraid when I get a round tuit.


----------



## Scoosh (20 Jan 2015)




----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2015)

@Scoosh. Don't be a Fraid, be a Lert, there's a national shortage of Lerts!

@Speicher. Yah Boo! and Sucks to you! I'm not scared of spells, but I know the Witch Finder Field Marshall (It was General, but he got promoted when Thatcher died!) and he's very interested in your threat. 

@ Everyone else, how do you want your Speicher, Well Done? Medium? Rare? or Blue? I'll have mine rare with chips!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2015)

The slight list to port I had developed into a "hurifulip nurf nurf" as I slowly slipped to the floor of the office. To cries of log him off the phone system quick.

I can remember this distinctly, every thing after that is sort of a blur.
Communicating in a new and rather expressive language I made up as I went along gave me hours of fun and frolics.
Personally, I believe I was turned into a Chinese dragon or a drop sheep but I got better the curse must have worn off, it was probably a discount price curse going cheep as it's sell by date had expired. I don't know who would be that penny pinching ?

At a new fighting weight of 14st, hard work in the gym and a almost fat free, processed sugar and salt diet means it all muscle! I had dropped to 12st.
A side affect of wheelchair pushing is you develop a grip a gorilla would be proud of this was pointed out to me by the chaps at the local hells angels club after a round of hand shakes and well done on shaking off the newt curse.
I will have to work on this as I had not noticed and crushing the hand of well wishes is simply not roller ball old chaps n lumpy jumpers.

When we get a nice day I can get back out on the hand bikes and trikes.

Other news I have managed to, nag, moan in to submiton, Some of my chums into getting the new radio ham licences, they did them at the local club as it only takes a couple of classes and a easy test at the end to get a beginners licence.
So we are all having fun on the radio. International relations will never be the same.
Under my supervision( pointing at bits of equipment and bits of electronic test devices and requesting cups of free tea) bits of wire have been strung up in back gardens and poles attached to chimneys. For one I was winched up the scaffolding on the end of a old blue rope and dinning chair so I could micro manage a beam tuning and calibration. 

I am now teaching them morse, I don't slur when send


----------



## Scoosh (20 Jan 2015)

Well, It's really good to have you back SBGG* !  I thort things had went a bit quiet round here - and I was concerned** for your welfare***.

Lord of the Byegad has advised me to be a Lert:


> *lert*
> (n) A small furry woodland creature that senses are always very intensely attuned to its surroundings.


I will endeavour to find some woodland if there is any left unburnsed - it's  up these parts, doncha know - and the haggis season is upon us the noo.

@byegad - be aware - SBGG is getting attuned to his ham , which are his surroundings , so maybe he, too, is a Lert 


markg0vbr said:


> For one I was winched up the scaffolding on the end of a old blue rope and dinning chair so I could micro manage a beam tuning and calibration.


Indeed a mist opporchancity, m'lud ... 






* - Sun Bronzed Greek Gorilla
** - 'cerned I hadn't been con-ned
*** - well, has he got the fare to go yet ?


----------



## Speicher (20 Jan 2015)

I will Endeavour to learn Morse code in Oxford.


----------



## byegad (21 Jan 2015)

That's Dashed Dotty Speicher.


----------



## Speicher (21 Jan 2015)

Dotty Speicher? That sounds like a character in Brief Encounter.


----------



## byegad (21 Jan 2015)

More like a character in Grim Expectations by Darles Chickens.


----------



## Speicher (21 Jan 2015)

Speicher said:


> Dotty Speicher? That sounds like a character in Brief Encounter.



Dolly Messiter at Milford Junction is the person I am thunking about.


----------



## Speicher (21 Jan 2015)

byegad said:


> More like a character in Grim Expectations by Darles Chickens.



I venture to suggest that in Darles Chickens' era an encounter with anyone's undergarments, however brief, would be best avoided.


----------



## byegad (21 Jan 2015)

Brief undergarments....


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

I have been retired!


Going wobble wobble plop out of my office chair and landing on the floor randomly my have had some thing to do with it.
Apparently I sound disabled on the phone some times as well.

So I have been for a hobble about in my old plumbers van, wondering around the foreign lands recruiting minions and genrely running amok 

Picking up hitch hiking monks, peddling 5hrs up a mountain to sit in the centre of the village named turrets to say every swear word I know, staying in the grounds of a catholic convent and having soothing balms applied to my back and bum after a nasty fall. Teaching French monks how to blend in when they come to Yorkshire as missionary's and the oooommm song. Laying about in hammocks at random places including the channel tunnel terminal car park.

I am back now having come to terms with being chucked on the scrap heap.

I can now pitch up any place any time as I have a bed in the back of the van so if I am going a bit wobbly  I can have a not stand up. The luxury of having hand bike, wheelchair and trike with me is fantastic. 


So keep an eye out for a old plumbers van out side your house with snoring coming out the back you will know it is me as the flag is always flying while I am in residence and when the 10m antenna mast extends. 

Ps. The traffic wardens in Paris are fantastic  and let me set up camp, little camp fire and all, bang in the centre of the city it might have been the fraternal kiss on both cheeks I gave them or I could have been going wobbly  as well.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

I was let loose with a shot gun last week I ended up using the recoil of the last shot of a group to move me in to the next peg. This may be a new form of wheel chair prepution.
One of the chaps at the hh mcc bull dog bash, had a clip on electric wheel for his chair and shredded a new tyre in three days he also went down the drag strip with a model aircraft jet engin attached to the contraption as well.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2015)

Be afraid world. They've let him out! 

At Byegad Towers the moat has been filled the drawbridge lifted and the guard doubled. The peasantry have been allowed to quit their hovels and shelter in the Outer Bailey. As our order for extra machine guns and landmines won't be filled for a week, due to the Bank Holiday, roving armed patrols are around the estate. 

How will the world cope with the SBGG on the wander? Will Tex Fits foil the cattle rustlers? And will Dick Barton get his man? 

I'm off the sharpen the falchion, restring the Longbows and ensure we have plenty of bolts for the crossbows.


----------



## Speicher (1 Sep 2015)

I may add more when my flabber is not so gasted, and my bobulation is not so discom.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

My shot gun privileges have been removedi now have a stick and have to say bang.


----------



## Scoosh (1 Sep 2015)

Good to hear from you again, SBGG Oh, he's back.  Persistent, isn't he ? 

Great. 




I've moved flat …


----------



## classic33 (1 Sep 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Good to hear from you again, SBGG Oh, he's back.  Persistent, isn't he ?
> 
> Great.
> 
> ...


The Lord loves a trier!


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

I need a robot butler


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

And a louder stick, I did pass my sharp pointy thing test and got my licence.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> The Lord loves a trier!


And as those of us who have spent any time in his vicinity know. He's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, trying!


----------



## classic33 (1 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> And as those of us who have sent any time in his vicinity know. He's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, trying!


Kinda thought that, don't know what gave the impression though.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2015)

I'll try to draw a picture in your mind. Think of Edvard Munch's The Scream, now try to imagine that after meeting the SBGG you'd look at the painting and think 'what a restful, cheery picture!'


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

I have been thinking of new income streams, I am going to apply for a grant to research why we have big toes on the inside of our feet when for stability reasons they would be better on the outside.


----------



## byegad (1 Sep 2015)

See what I mean classic33?


----------



## classic33 (1 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I have been thinking of new income streams, I am going to apply for a grant to research why we have big toes on the inside of our feet when for stability reasons they would be better on the outside.


Sock manufacturers would have to change their design though.
Its the largest to the inside not for stability, but for climbing purposes.
Try climbing a tree cross legged & you'll see what I mean.


----------



## Speicher (1 Sep 2015)

In the alternative, you could wear your shoeses on the wrong feet. Rather like the Wrong Trousers, but with feet instead of trews.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> In the alternative, you could wear your shoeses on the wrong feet. Rather like the Wrong Trousers, but with feet instead of trews.


The arch support would be all wrong.
Why bowler hats! There are interesting floppy brimmed ones and plums!


----------



## classic33 (1 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> The arch support would be all wrong.
> Why bowler hats! There are interesting floppy brimmed ones and plums!


Read and inwardwardly digest http://www.gresham.ac.uk/lectures-and-events/the-history-of-the-bowler-hat

_"The bowler hat, also known as a bob hat, derby (US), billycock or bombín, is a hard felt hat with a rounded crown originally created in 1849 for the British soldier and politician Edward Coke, the younger brother of the 2nd Earl of Leicester."_


----------



## Scoosh (2 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I need a robot butler


I read that as a "reboot butler".

Not such a bad idea, though …


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Sep 2015)

The bowler just lacks something, perhaps a spike or a set of antlers.
I like the Mongolian border gard helmet of the fifth dinisty. 

The study of pavement sheep is one of my pastimes text walkers are all over the place.
Back boobs are becoming a common sight as are thankles, hand in tractrousers although not common are stylish.


----------



## Speicher (2 Sep 2015)

You might like this hat.








When you have a not stand up, it does not get squished at the back. You could add a plume or two to jazz it up a bit.


----------



## classic33 (3 Sep 2015)

How about Crime Scene Investigation or glass  collecting?

Fruit label collecting
_"More than 1,000 fruit label images are displayed here for the purpose of providing reference information for my fellow fruit label collectors and for interested people generally. Fruit labels and their details are shown within a pale-yellow box. For the time being vegetable labels and their details are shown within a pale-green box. Fruit label collecting must surely rank as one the healthiest hobbies, just as long as you actually eat the fruit. In the United Kingdom and abroad there are many organisations which promote the eating of fruit as a valuable adjunct to a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle."_


----------



## byegad (3 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> You might like this hat.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



He'll never get it on over the tinfoil one he wears 24/7.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> You might like this hat.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How would I know in what direction I am going? Getting lost would be easy.
The tinfoil hat is a urban Mith, it should be in your shoes. 

The motorcycle show I am going to at the week end has a tattooist, I am thinking of having some thing tasteful on my bum.


----------



## classic33 (4 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> How would I know in what direction I am going? Getting lost would be easy.
> The tinfoil hat is a urban Mith, it should be in your shoes.
> 
> The motorcycle show I am going to at the week end has a tattooist,* I am thinking of having some thing tasteful on my bum.*


Who's the tester!

The tinfoil is to protect the brain, but should also be wrapped aroun the upper torso.
The brain & heart are linked a lot closer than previously known.

Round the feet could lead to a short in the upcoming stormy weather.


----------



## byegad (4 Sep 2015)

SHHHH!
It took me ages to persuade him to wear tinfoil socks. At some point there will be a thunderstorm and then...


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2015)

The tinfoil is isolated from the rest of the body and offers a moor direct route less lard resistive path to earth.
A tinfoil hat if not earthed just acts as a better anttena the rout to earth then passes through the brain making the voises stronger.
My radio room is a faraday cage with about 200ft squared of earthing in the ground via earthing rods and ground plains.
This help reduce electronic noise from TV sets and the radio active squirrels.

A bowler hat with a spike would help with the local carnivorous drop sheep but one with antlers would make a bould fashion statement. Though a top hat with a spring inside acting as a resistive crumple zone would work better.


----------



## classic33 (4 Sep 2015)

Should a Faraday Cage be grounded!


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> Should a Faraday Cage be grounded!


Not always for preventing interference it can help, prevention of power line radiation and celtower output it is essential.
Putting tinfoil behind your wall paper and carpets over lapped joints and run a copper wire around acros the top taped down with gorilla tape.


----------



## classic33 (4 Sep 2015)

Which way should the tinfoil face though?
Shiny side out or in?


----------



## Speicher (4 Sep 2015)

The shiny side is the reflective one, is it not?


----------



## classic33 (4 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> The shiny side is the reflective one, is it not?


Double layer then!


----------



## byegad (5 Sep 2015)

All is well at Byegad Towers. The weapons arrived and have been set up. Apart from a single accident* we are now ready to repel any 'Good Will' visit by the SBGG! 



*We forgot to cancel the milk, but that was solved by the 'accident'. {As an added bonus we won't have to pay the 57 year old milk bill now as the milkman had no family.}


----------



## Speicher (5 Sep 2015)

So your Milkman, Bill, was 57 years old. How long is it since you paid for the milk? Is the price still 6d a pint?


----------



## Scoosh (5 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> … still 6d a pint?


6d ?  6d ?? 

Your milkman Bill's bill's a bit high - though I supose transport costs must be high, given the long access driveway to Byegad Towers.…


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2015)

I estimate it is only about 7 yards!


----------



## classic33 (6 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I estimate it is only about 7 yards!


Nice to see you'te using Imperial measurements being now.


----------



## byegad (6 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> So your Milkman, Bill, was 57 years old. How long is it since you paid for the milk? Is the price still 6d a pint?



No Speicher old chapesse. 

The bill is 57 years old, in fact ever since Grandfather had the previous supplier shot, some 57 years ago, (Those were the days!) for demanding payment of his bill, we have had this 'new' family business deliver to Byegad Towers. 

The late milkman's Grandfather and Father knew on which side their bread was buttered and never got too keen on being paid, but the last one got a bit shirty about the bill when he took over from his Dad last year. As I told my Cousin, the Chief Constable of Durham Police, we have no idea how Sid (The Milkman.) managed to stray into the Wolf Pen and even less idea how he came to be naked and smeared with honey and minced venison. 
Cousin Bertie, the Rozzer in Chief, agreed over a large and mostly liquid lunch that we'll probably never be able to explain it, and it's up the the local Coroner to decide on a verdict at the inquest which is Tuesday, as I'm busy tomorrow and can't sit on the case. Did I mention who's the local Coroner? Well of course it's me. 

Meanwhile the minefield is properly set and visitors to the Towers are duly warned that, in the wording on the back of the Day Visitor ticket*, 'Your visit is on the strict understanding that you keep to the marked lanes on pain of death!

The SBGG has apparently been sighted away from his home in the People's Democratic Republic of Rawmarsh on his War Chariot, a heavily converted Motor Tricycle. The local Durham Constabulary have orders to shoot on sight after whispering 'I believe you are a weapon of mass destruction and hereby claim my reward of $1 000 000 for potting the Joker in the Pentagon's pack of cards.' So all is well. 

*Only £25 and a free visit to the dungeons if you try to misappropriate the family silver, upset Lady Byegad or try to speak to His Lordship**.

** Me!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2015)

The prison of the first part here after named as *SBGG*


byegad said:


> _
> Meanwhile the minefield is properly set and visitors to the Towers are duly warned that, in the wording on the back of the Day Visitor ticket*, 'Your visit is on the strict understanding that you keep to the marked lanes on pain of death!
> _


_I have a metel ditector and extremely low pressure tyres in my trike making it is unlikely to set of any mines
_
It may be a good idea to start collecting bottle bottoms to nap into arrow heads


----------



## classic33 (6 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> The prison of the first part here after named as *SBGG*
> 
> _I have a metel ditector and extremely low pressure tyres in my trike making it is unlikely to set of any mines
> _
> It may be a good idea to start collecting bottle bottoms to nap into arrow heads


Maybe the mines are accoustic!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2015)

Accoustic might be a problem, the deep throbbing between my knees.


----------



## classic33 (6 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Accoustic might be a problem, the deep throbbing between my knees.


Motorbike'll be heard coming.
Don't rule out the EMP dishes. Look just like a satellite dish


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Sep 2015)

Bygad is a bit mut n Jeff so as long as I paroch from the left.


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> The prison of the first part here after named as *SBGG*
> 
> _I have a metel ditector and extremely low pressure tyres in my trike making it is unlikely to set of any mines
> _
> It may be a good idea to start collecting bottle bottoms to nap into arrow heads



Come on then.


Thinks! He knows nothing about Magnetic Resonance detection, which will pick up the cheap Japanned Black screws which hold him together. Or brand new the IPD* mines we have laid.





*IPD = Idiot Proximity Detector


----------



## byegad (7 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Bygad is a bit mut n Jeff so as long as I paroch from the left.



No longer young sir, the new bionic ears* are a marvel and I can hear on both sides these days. 


*Hearing Aids to normal folk.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2015)

I can borrow the large induction loop I wrapped around my mums bungalow. Using a squer wave generator over laid with subordible messages I would be able to talke directly in to the bygadd brain.
"Your one of us, one of us, one of us. Walk across the mine field, walk across the mine field."

I am quite interested in Zeppelin's and being independent of the ferry firms. It is tempting to chug over to the foren and just hook a tree and lower my domesile down on an electric winch.


----------



## classic33 (7 Sep 2015)

You don't want that foreign nonsense. You want the Father of Flight & his work!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Sep 2015)

If I eat lots of eggs that might work if I have a chicken costume on.


----------



## classic33 (7 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> If I eat lots of eggs that might work if I have a chicken costume on.


Have you heard the fowl language they use?

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kmpk4dYJRNk


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2015)

Aaaaaaaaaw that was rood 
People in wheelchairs are nice they do not say noughts words.


----------



## byegad (8 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Aaaaaaaaaw that was rood
> *Some *People in wheelchairs are nice others are *as mad as a box of frogs on LSD* they say *naughty* words.



FTFY


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Sep 2015)

I may emigrate to some country like with nice people like Vikings or have hoards they would be nice and fuzzy and not pick on a poor meek unassuming shy ikle me.


----------



## Speicher (8 Sep 2015)

I did suggest some time ago that we went on jollidays together to somewhere warm and sunny, with warm seawater for swimmming.

Now you are saying you would like to go where Vikings live. Did Vikings ever reach Portugal?


----------



## classic33 (8 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I may emigrate to some country like with nice people like Vikings or have hoards they would be nice and fuzzy and not pick on a poor meek unassuming shy ikle me.


Cornwall!!


----------



## byegad (9 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> Cornwall!!


 Good idea but not fully developed classic. Perhaps add a further 1000 miles West to you destination. All the ensuing swimming would be 'good' for his health.


----------



## Speicher (9 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> Good idea but not fully developed classic. Perhaps add a further 1000 miles West to you destination. All the ensuing swimming would be 'good' for his health.



The Azores?


----------



## classic33 (9 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> Good idea but not fully developed classic. Perhaps add a further 1000 miles West to you destination. All the ensuing swimming would be 'good' for his health.


He'd be a free man, in International Waters as well.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2015)

There is a lot of evidence the Vikings had regular traid and small colony's in north and Central America for hundreds of years before it was supposedly discovered.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2015)

Speicher said:


> The Azores?


No dear Speicher. I was aiming somewhere somewhat damper than the Azores.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2015)

Or a synthetic floating island about 20 miles across if the island slowly rotated I could ride around it as long as I liked and still travel around the world stoping now and again.


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> There is a lot of evidence the Vikings had regular traid and small colony's in north and Central America for hundreds of years before it was supposedly discovered.


There's some evidence they found the Eastern Seaboard of the North American continent, and colonised Greenland during a warmer period but not regular traid, or even trade (As it's usually written!).


----------



## byegad (10 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Or a synthetic floating island about 20 miles across if the island slowly rotated I could ride around it as long as I liked and still travel around the world stoping now and again.



The Yorkshire navy will doubtless be happy enough to pop out and wave to you if you are lucky enough to find such an island. With the added benefit of a free firework display as they shell it!


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Sep 2015)

I could recruited like minded people and become a free independent country founded on mushroom pot noodle for all and a hovis loaf in every pantry. Free hobnail boots for all pigeons goat yodelling competitions on a Sunday.
Incom tax will be -20% for anyone earning less than £18k 
Pain medication mmmmmmm pain medicaaaaaaaaation argggggg.."..... Lots and lots.


----------



## classic33 (10 Sep 2015)

Small flaw noticed. 
Inflatable items & hobnails boots. Wouldn't the latter sink the former?


----------



## Scoosh (11 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> Small flaw noticed.
> Inflatable items & hobnails boots. Wouldn't the latter sink the former?


One can but hope ...


----------



## byegad (11 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> Small flaw noticed.
> Inflatable items & hobnails boots. Wouldn't the latter sink the former?



It'll let him down gently to a watery grave!


----------



## byegad (12 Sep 2015)

Very bad news for Speicher I'm afraid. The SBGG has launched an invasion of Wilhelmshaven there is irrefutable proof that he has been visiting arms dealers and will be a damned nuisance to the Gemans.

Very. very good news for the UK.

He's gone!

Quick everyone leave the EU, close the borders and 'just rejoice!'


----------



## Scoosh (12 Sep 2015)

Maybe he'll apply to be an ergonomic migrant/refugee and get taken in … 

What would _we_ do then ???


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Sep 2015)

Arrrrr but England is now part of France! The EU has achieved with the click of a mouse what several Kings, queens, napoleon and hitler could not.
So when riding your bike/ trike TI is now compulsory to have a rope of unions around your neck don a stripy jumper and grow a rather dashing tash


----------



## classic33 (12 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Arrrrr but England is now part of France! The EU has achieved with the click of a mouse what several Kings, queens, napoleon and hitler could not.
> So when riding your bike/ trike TI is now compulsory to have a rope of unions around your neck don a stripy jumper and grow a rather dashing tash


Yorkshire voted NO though!


----------



## classic33 (12 Sep 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Maybe he'll apply to be an ergonomic migrant/refugee and get taken in …
> 
> What would _we_ do then ???


Fill the Chunnel in fast.


----------



## classic33 (12 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> Very bad news for Speicher I'm afraid. The SBGG has launched an invasion of Wilhelmshaven there is irrefutable proof that he has been visiting arms dealers and will be a damned nuisance to the Gemans.
> 
> Very. very good news for the UK.
> 
> ...


You seem, how'd I put this, slightly excited.


----------



## byegad (13 Sep 2015)

Well, when you say slightly I went and bought a round of drinks in the Byegad Arms. 


Fortunately there was only myself and Lady Byegad in the pub at the time and Young Tom, the landlord (Age 89.) had had a good life, so the ever so slightly fatal heart attack was probably a blessing.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2015)

Plans are afoot to re shoe my Trojan bager for the sneaking of immigrants in to Yorkshire. I can now get two ferret pelt and three ladles of best stew with a dumpling pp, just towing it over the border from that lancashire, it must be grim or their if they will pay good vitals for a two hundred yard ride.

By gum what with the Trojan bager, the lard holdings, selling free sunshine to the Yorshire electricity bourd and a semi professional cripple*; I am almost lower middle Class.

*lame a bit in one leg mid week but I get the weekends and high holidays off.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2015)

Germany was shut for redecoration... The sign was a bit tatty and dog eared but legible.
So I went next door to the grosses he was trying to shut but my hobnail but has got me entrance to countless asatblishments he gave me free apples as I was riding away and a turnip or was it a Wellington, it might have been yellow 
But tasted murple.


I might have a not stand up now.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2015)

Aren't lips good... Stop your face fraying and stuf.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Sep 2015)

Tuck me in... And leve next doors outside light on its cheaper than plugging in a night light.


----------



## classic33 (15 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Plans are afoot to re shoe my Trojan bager for the sneaking of immigrants in to Yorkshire. I can now get two ferret pelt and three ladles of best stew with a dumpling pp, just towing it over the border from that lancashire, it must be grim or their if they will pay good vitals for a two hundred yard ride.
> 
> By gum what with the Trojan bager, the lard holdings, selling free sunshine to the Yorshire electricity bourd and a semi professional cripple*; I am almost lower middle Class.
> 
> *lame a bit in one leg mid week but I get the weekends and high holidays off.


Tis Yorkshur, ne'er Yorkshire! Or worse still yorshire.


----------



## byegad (15 Sep 2015)

My brain hurts! The SBGG often has this effect on me. Can I have him outlawed as a danger to biological life under the WMD UN edict?


----------



## Speicher (15 Sep 2015)

Amongst my quaintences I include a man who used to search for MWD*, do you wish to me to request his assist stance?




* Men with doughnuts.


----------



## byegad (15 Sep 2015)

Fine idea Speicher, but if the SBGG was merely bearing doughnuts I'd not have an hurting brain. Merely a full stomach. 

Weapons of Mass Destruction, on the other hand, are banned from use so maybe we could lock the SBGG in a nice deep concrete bunker somewhere under an unimportant place, like Lancashire, and then very carefully melt down the keys, bury the entrance in reinforced concrete and burn the map of its location.


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Sep 2015)

The voices in my head may or may not be real but they have good ideas.

I have had the BMW trike out today for a spin it was nice to get out on it, just enough traffic to make it entertaining. A good bit of filtering in Sheffield and a bit of weaving about was lots of fun.
Dropped in on the motorcycle club and got a invite to a free breakfast next Saturday I will pop the bacon in the post for you bigad as you know I don't do pig.

Did the lard covered ham leg arrive ok it was wrapped in wax paper and brown paper covering that with medical experiment metirial stickers all over it*
I did get presents for every one but consumed them at the Europoort while camped in the car park watching all the fun and games with the lorry drivers.
My ickle van was surrounded with lorry one evening as the bit I had turned in to a little patch of England compleat with plastic pink flamingo was just at the side of the police station**

Wondering about ear hair today; the coligraphy will have to be put on hold until I can perfect the trimming process.

Anti freeze in the front tyre works as soon as it balances the tyre you can feel the difrence in the handle bars.


Why do you have it just sticking out like that and why ginger ! Is there such a thing as ear hair replacement therapy?



*import tax exempt
**the security camera post was perfect for hanging my hammock to, some times I have to put a paper bag over my head when napping in it to Prevent motion sickness and with the Stars drawn on the inside makes it look like night.


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2015)

This means UK Border Security stinks! We pay these people good money to keep the riff-raff out and they go and let it in! Ok they stop lots of terrorists and drug smugglers getting in, but now we need a root and branch reform of the Border Service, and an education programme based loosely on arming them all and showing the awful truth of a photo of the SBGG with 'shoot on sight' plastered all over it. 

I'll bring it up in the House of Lords as an early day motion.


----------



## classic33 (19 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> This means UK Border Security stinks! We pay these people good money to keep the riff-raff out and they go and let it in! Ok they stop lots of terrorists and drug smugglers getting in, but now we need a root and branch reform of the Border Service, and an education programme based loosely on arming them all and showing the awful truth of a photo of the SBGG with 'shoot on sight' plastered all over it.
> 
> I'll bring it up in the House of Lords as an early day motion.


You have to remember that border security is now G4 Securicor led. Look what they managed with the Olympics!


----------



## Scoosh (19 Sep 2015)

I regret** to inform Your Lordship that the Guardians of the Borders of the Byegad Estates might not be at fault here, as the SBGG has papers (which might or might not be genuine ) which permit him "safe passage" into close proximity to said estates. Roots and branches need not disturbed on his account.

Furthermore, most normal Lords have had "an early day motion" before setting out for the House. One assumes you bear scant resemblance to a 'normal' Lord of that House …




**


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> You have to remember that border security is now G4 Securicor led. Look what they managed with the Olympics!


Damn!Damn!Damn!

OK lets sack G4 and give all of our ex-servicemen a rifle and the dreaded photo!

A small bounty like real estate in God's Own County of Yorkshire could be the reward. I know where a small part of Rawmarsh will be suddenly and fortuitously vacant.


----------



## byegad (19 Sep 2015)

Scoosh said:


> I regret** to inform Your Lordship that the Guardians of the Borders of the Byegad Estates might not be at fault here, as the SBGG has papers (which might or might not be genuine ) which permit him "safe passage" into close proximity to said estates. Roots and branches need not disturbed on his account.
> 
> *Perhaps you've heard of forgery?*
> 
> ...


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Sep 2015)

I fill in all documents with a sharpened purple crayon in my bestist print upside down and back to front for easy reading by border guards.

Mumble continually so they don't have to request any thing.


----------



## classic33 (20 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I fill in all documents with a sharpened purple crayon in my bestist print upside down and back to front for easy reading by border guards.
> 
> Mumble continually so they don't have to request any thing.


Twontworkroun'theseparts!


----------



## byegad (21 Sep 2015)

All those readers with better ideas as to what the SBGG should do with a sharpened purple crayon form an orderly queue and they may demonstrate said idea to the poor demented fool. Being full of sharp crayons of any colour may improve his behaviour, and serve him right for coming back from for'n parts!


----------



## Speicher (21 Sep 2015)

There is an art to poking someone with sharpened crayons. 

Have you got a shencil parpener? Should I draw my own con clusions? Your idea is very sketchy to say the least.


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Sep 2015)

Is prodding a disabled person with something shap, proper? A hobby? Or hate crime?


----------



## byegad (22 Sep 2015)

Normally at least one of the above, but in your case...




Well deserved!


----------



## classic33 (22 Sep 2015)

byegad said:


> Normally at least one of the above, but in your case...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You realise you'd have to get quite close in order to do this though!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Sep 2015)

Never get within arms reach of a hand biking wheelchair pushing mototrike rider. A grip like a Gorillor comes in handy for lacking on to random people and letting go until they feed you and or give you money to let go.

I need a holiday all this laying about is hard work you know!


----------



## classic33 (23 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Never get within arms reach of a hand biking wheelchair pushing mototrike rider. A grip like a Gorillor comes in handy for lacking on to random people and letting go until they feed you and or give you money to let go.
> 
> I need a holiday all this laying about is hard work you know!


What about an around the world tour?


----------



## byegad (23 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> What about an around the world tour?


Well that's double the solution I came up with. Tough on the Australians, but fair I think.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Sep 2015)

A peddle boat that is brilliant! 

With the addition of a drum for pacing my self and doing some killer improv jazz.


----------



## byegad (25 Sep 2015)

Great idea. I'll drill the holes!


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Sep 2015)

I went for a peddle around Sheffield town centre today and picked up the replacement wheel for the wheelchair; I lost one bumbling around the back roads. 

Porridge and peanut butter fuled hand bike with extra wheel strapped to my back may look like a crash in a pram factory but it gets the job done.


----------



## classic33 (26 Sep 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I went for a peddle around Sheffield town centre today and picked up the replacement wheel for the wheelchair; I lost one bumbling around the back roads.
> 
> Porridge and peanut butter fuled hand bike with extra wheel strapped to my back may look like a crash in a pram factory but it gets the job done.


Good job there's no hills in the city centre. A few gentle inclines, other than that, nowt to worry about.


----------



## Scoosh (27 Sep 2015)

Sheffield, eh ? 

Must warn Scoosh-daughter who is currently studying at Leeds/ Sheffield yoonies to beware …  … and take 'appropriate' preventative measures if I go to visit.


----------



## classic33 (27 Sep 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Sheffield, eh ?
> 
> Must warn Scoosh-daughter who is currently studying at Leeds/ Sheffield yoonies to beware …  … and take 'appropriate' preventative measures if I go to visit.


Well Rotherham isn't that far from Sheffield.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Sep 2015)

classic33 said:


> Good job there's no hills in the city centre. A few gentle inclines, other than that, nowt to worry about.


Mmmmm yes "slight inclines" mmm in a rgid wheelchair with a gret' lump er mettle shuved' int' frunt'! 
The granny gear got quite a outing.
I think mine was the first ascent to the old town hall from the bottom of the whicker without oxygen equipment and sherpers.


----------



## classic33 (27 Sep 2015)

One of the local inclines, outsiders call it a hill


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Sep 2015)

Big foot can sometimes be seen shopping on the lower slopes of market street on a Wednesday.


A thought came to me today the next time I go to a gathering of trikes; the chest hair trimmings I have been saving can been woven into a harness, several trikes could then tow me along at a nice brisk pace.
implying a bull whip for the hills might be needed depending on the amounts of porridge consumed by the minions.


----------



## markg0vbr (1 Oct 2015)

Hurray all the Christmas lights are in the shops again I get to go around knotting them all up wwwwwweee

Soon be sprouts n ice-cream day


----------



## classic33 (1 Oct 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Hurray all the Christmas lights are in the shops again I get to go around knotting them all up wwwwwweee
> 
> Soon be sprouts n ice-cream day


How about a cake instead
*Ingredients:
For the cake:*
2 eggs
125g caster sugar
100ml vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
125g self raising flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
125g carrots, grated
125g brussel sprouts, grated (You could use an electric mini-chopper)
35g walnuts, chopped
35g raisins or sultanas
25g desiccated coconut

_*For the frosting:*_
125g cream cheese (Philadelphia maybe)
250g icing sugar
1-2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Walnut halves to decorate

_*How to make:*_
- Preheat the oven to 180°C/fan oven 160°C/350°F/Gas mark 4.
- Grease and line a 20cm round tin or a 900g loaf tin. Shown made in a round tin but a loaf tin might be better.
- Beat the eggs, sugar, oil and vanilla until well combined.
- Add the flour, cinnamon and ginger and beat for a few more minutes.
- Fold in the grated carrot, sprouts, walnuts, raisins and coconut.
- Spoon into the prepared tin and cook for approximately 50 minutes or until a skewer comes out cleanly.
- Leave to cool, in the tin, on a wire rack.
_*Now make the frosting:*_
- Beat the cream cheese until soft and then beat in the icing sugar.
- Add vanilla extract to taste.
- Spread the frosting over the top of the cake and finish off with some walnut halves.
- Bask in glory at the wonderful thing you have made.
- Eat.


----------



## SatNavSaysStraightOn (1 Oct 2015)

classic33 said:


> How about a cake instead
> *Ingredients:
> For the cake:*
> 2 eggs
> ...


That's on the wrong site....


----------



## classic33 (1 Oct 2015)

SatNavSaysStraightOn said:


> That's on the wrong site....


 Its not!


----------



## SatNavSaysStraightOn (1 Oct 2015)

classic33 said:


> Its not!


I'll let you off!


----------



## classic33 (1 Oct 2015)

SatNavSaysStraightOn said:


> I'll let you off!


How do you think it appeared so quick?


----------



## SatNavSaysStraightOn (2 Oct 2015)

classic33 said:


> How do you think it appeared so quick?


I want paying any attention to here  still working on tags on CB!


----------



## classic33 (2 Oct 2015)

SatNavSaysStraightOn said:


> I want paying any attention to here  still working on tags on CB!


Noticed you followed the link


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Oct 2015)

I spotted on a ride report about riding about in man frock land, saying they needed peanut butter,banana and honey sandwiches to keep fuelling themselves.
Thing like this should be discouraged as members of the government have been trying to figer out how to tax cycling.
They might slap fule tax on cyclist you will have to work out you duty by how many calorys you have used on your ride.

I wonder if you could get exempt if you do off roading manly Hary mud encrusted tipe of thing? Like red make it go stuf they put in tractors.




I am considering a nipple ring as a motivational tool for getting me out of my wheelchair, l miss the nice French lady giving me a stif rub down with liniment.
That used to get my blood moving and when I found out she was not a health care professional I was very disappointed.
Really you would think they would put a lock on the door to the cycles trick ward!


----------



## classic33 (3 Oct 2015)

Have you tried the Brussel Sprout Cake yet?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Oct 2015)

Cabbage, carrot, banana, peanut butter and muesli, honey melt. 
It had side effects.


----------



## Andrew1971 (4 Oct 2015)

Cabbage, carrot, banana, peanut butter and muesli, honey melt.
It had side effects. of which are


----------



## Scoosh (5 Oct 2015)

Andrew1971 said:


> Cabbage, carrot, banana, peanut butter and muesli, honey melt.
> It had side effects. of which are


----------



## byegad (5 Oct 2015)

I suggest a ggod tight noose around the neck for getting the SBGG up and dancing the Tyburn Two-step! We could sell tickets and the plebeians could watch too.


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2015)

byegad said:


> I suggest a ggod tight noose around the neck for getting the SBGG up and dancing the Tyburn Two-step! We could sell tickets and the plebeians could watch too.


Why the Tyburn Two-Step? Surely there's a Yorkshire version you can have him doing.


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2015)

He deserves to pass his last moments doing some Softie Southern manner.


----------



## Andrew1971 (6 Oct 2015)

byegad said:


> He deserves to pass his last moments doing some Softie Southern manner.


I was born in plymouth what do i get


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2015)

Andrew1971 said:


> I was born in plymouth what do i get


A few short steps to learn


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2015)

classic33 said:


> A few short steps to learn
> View attachment 105971


Local contribution to the Thieves Litany


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2015)

Side affect can include gas, ear ringing, gas, fainting from gas, lard, bloating, dizziness, hairy hand palms.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2015)

Plymouth som of my ansesters come from close by.
One is now one of the biggest land owners, nice chap comes over for a chat now and again.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2015)

Andrew1971 said:


> I was born in plymouth what do i get


Plymouth? Is that in Devon? If so you're not Southerners to a Tyke. You're yet another oppressed minority.


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Oct 2015)

Being the only sane person in the world I am in a minority, can I get funding.


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Oct 2015)

Being a bit frail at times I might not be able to blow the bassoon if I had a pair of below set up with my exorcise bike; long passages are witching my grasp all I need to do now is learn the flugelhorn.


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> *Being the only sane person in the world* I am in a minority, can I get funding.



This claim is open to much discussion. See much of the above for evidence t


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Being a bit frail at times I might not be able to blow the bassoon if I had a pair of below set up with my exorcise bike; long passages are witching my grasp all I need to do now is learn the flugelhorn.



A pair of what below???


----------



## Speicher (8 Oct 2015)

Balls? .... 





I mean hexercise balls, what did you thinkum I meant? Those large blow up inflatable balls people use at Jim's nasium.


----------



## byegad (8 Oct 2015)

Dirty Speicher! 

I was thinking a pair of hand grenades sans pins would improve the local area around the SBGG. We could use him as a weapon of mass improvement!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Oct 2015)

I been a bit poorly.

Don't think the fludlehorn is out altogether but a bassoon is a big Nono. 
Hospital can be fun they have goodera drugs n whoooooo you can divid the ceiling tiles by the multiple of three of my toes accounting for the removle of the woolly mammoth baking mahogany wafers removes the biter smoking silk 
No but er I like drugs!


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Oct 2015)

*I have been on a quest *
_Quest for a van back door it is hard work dragging your finger about on the iPad, phoning demesticated Gorillors as van dismantles. 
They have their own language, is it a 2.8 Cdi 2.5 d, semi high  
"hello have you got one of them ojiwasit thingy black with a sticky out bit n a adjustor?". They didn't have one .
The quest continues._


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Oct 2015)

Some one has offered to, for a small fee give me a bigads phone number, I am a bit sceptical he has on being cheap he probably uses pigeons (borrowed ones from the park).

I still think parking my van on his front garden would be moor friendly.


----------



## Speicher (20 Oct 2015)

I do not think he has a front garden. 

He has a parterre near the house and a walled garden to the rear of the East Wing. He also has the Formal garden, but that has lots of ickle walls. 

I suggest that once you have gained access upon the estate of the esteemed Lord Byegad, you turn left after the Gatekeeper's cottage, then continue to the Coach House, take another left and park behind the big oak tree.


----------



## byegad (21 Oct 2015)

Speicher! Don't give any more away. If you do he won't fall in the minefield in the Ha-Ha.


----------



## Speicher (22 Oct 2015)

Aha! 
How do you keep your sheeps out of the Ha-ha?


----------



## Scoosh (22 Oct 2015)

Speicher said:


> Aha!
> How do you keep your sheeps out of the Ha-ha?


Well, obviously, being a benevolent local resident, he employs the local yokel young folk to herd any sheep away from it. 

The added benefit, apart from keeping potential miscreants away from mischief-making, is that the wages bill is kept low.  

Win-win, I believe it is called.


----------



## byegad (23 Oct 2015)

Are you sure you don't have some Yorkshire blood in your family Speicher?


----------



## Speicher (23 Oct 2015)

There would not be room for it amongst the Russian and German blood running thru my veins.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Oct 2015)

I am still a bit wobbly as I have to sleep on my mums sofa as she is stuck in the armchair.
Perhaps I can steam he off it.

Sheeps arrrrrg run away; we have as you know carnivorous drop sheep "rand back u Sheffield its cos o them rabbit have hobnail boots rand by us".
The van now has twin swivel seats and new back boors with fbi tinted windows so nobody can see me with my binoculars and high powered spud gun waiting in wait for the haggis.
This year promises to be a epic hunt, as speshely raised haggis in a tin have been released on the moors.


----------



## byegad (27 Oct 2015)

Nurse! Nurse!

He's out again.


----------



## classic33 (27 Oct 2015)

byegad said:


> Nurse! Nurse!
> 
> He's out again.


Bit late with the warning. What happened to the EWS?


----------



## byegad (28 Oct 2015)

We sold Fylingdales to the Colonials and they are damn useless.


----------



## byegad (29 Oct 2015)

OK!

This is the ultimate accessory for All Hallows Eve, for one night only you too could own a SBGG!


For a chance to win this unbelievable offer please send your name and address written on a Bank Note in current English* circulation to

Lord Byegad
Byegad Towers 
North Riding of God'sOwn County of Yorkshire
EEH BAH GUM!

All the notes, except those of patently low denomination** will be put in the kitchen cauldron and the winner*** will be drawn on Saturday morning. The SBGG, in a sack and suitably bound and gagged will be delivered by the Byegad Estate Bailiffs by 16.00h that day to the lucky**** winner. 

Notes from the Byegad Estate Treasurer.
* While Lord Byegad has heard of notes issued by our Scottish and Northern Irish friends, persuading him to accept that it is real money have, so far, failed.
** Lord Byegad is firmly of the belief that small change should never be carried and only £50 notes count as cash in pocket. This is because the local traders may be able to change a smaller note, but never accept let alone change a £50. Thus resulting in no money ever changing hands in shops pubs and other places. 
*** 'Winner' is a term we are not comfortable with but will do for now.
**** 'Lucky'... see above!


----------



## Speicher (29 Oct 2015)

I moff to find a note of eleventy earth pounds. A nevelope and a stamp. 

I will consult a natlas to find the nearest poke office.


----------



## classic33 (29 Oct 2015)

Got a few of these!


----------



## byegad (1 Nov 2015)

Ah! The famous Irishman's forgery. When asked why he didn't make it 10 bob he replied, Begorrah! I didn't want to seem greedy.


----------



## byegad (5 Nov 2015)

Well the peasants are over excited today. It's hunt a Guy time for their annual early finish and bonfire and someone  has told them that one has been sited en-route between Byegad Towers and Rawmarsh. I've offered a small reward to the lucky peasant that captures him, and an even larger reward, that could even be money, to whoever gets him onto the bonfire and lights it. I've loaded the House Blunderbusses with coloured glass and coloured flour and will thus be able to put the SBGG out of its/his misery once it/he is well alight. That way I save on the annual firework* budget too.

* N.B. Firework**, not fireworks. I may be made of money but that doesn't mean I waste it.

** Usually a Roman candle as we got a job lot of pretty red ones when they scrapped the Whitby fishing fleet and they, umm , fell onto the back of the Estate lorry.***

*** You may ask where's the expense, but matches don't grow on trees you know!!


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Nov 2015)

I got my full ticket of haggis 20 tins! 2 beaters and a golden retrever; I threw back the trafick cone as they are out of seson.

We had a bit of a do with the care workers as we have 2 coming in 4 times a day and 2 coming twice in the night.
Simple, only this is provided by 4 current providers and the resbite nurse is from hospice at home, a district nurse and NHS contenance supply and advice lady, I just sit in the kitchen dribbling and trying to find the corect log book for each of them.
What with mum being deaf things can soon become like a episode of a cheep comedy film.

This morning two care workers came in and showerd my mum and gave her brakefast but we could not find the log book fore them, the lady next door came over and asked if she could have her care workers back as they had come to the rong bungalow. 

The van doors have been installed, the insulation stuck in place and tinfolil so you can't hear the voices when you are driving.
Though my eldest boy says it makes it look like a serial killers van.

My recovery has hit a dit of a snagg, the sofa from hell my body is slowly forming in to the shape of two well sat on cushions with my neck tilted over to the side, this is exelant for looking along the shelve of the book shop.

I am going to throw cortion to the wind and drasticly increase my Xmas holiday spending to 12 pounds 43 pence some one has got to jump start the economy.


----------



## byegad (16 Nov 2015)

Grrr! 

No wonder Young Ned (age 83) has been missing since November the 6th. After claiming the threepenny piece reward for putting the SBGG on the bonfire as the Guy he simply disappeared. Also nobody has seen the village mutterer Grumblin George since the early evening of November 5th! The two events along with the reappearance of the SBGG have rather spoilt my mood. I'm off the burn down the hovels of Young Ned and Grumblin George and several other hovels that I find in shear bad temper. Xmas is cancelled for the entire Estate again this year and when I find the Tower's cat it's in for a good kicking too.


----------



## Scoosh (16 Nov 2015)

byegad said:


> and several other hovels that I find in shear bad temper


Which one ?

 Shear bad temper, Durham; shear bad temper, Yorkshire; or shear bad temper, Essex ?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Nov 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Which one ?
> 
> Shear bad temper, Durham; shear bad temper, Yorkshire; or shear bad temper, Essex ?


We don't do bad temper every one is a ray of sunshine int rawmarsh.

I think I will have a Xmas 2 the rewrap! And may go so far as to smile "for a small fee, non refundable if the smile is creepy or lopsided"
From lack of sleep or a drug induced haze I put 3quid in to a poppy day tin today I have spent the remainder of the day having a not stand up with a wet cloth on my forehead in a darkend room.

Plans are a elbow to bring back the nitnurse nylon knit balaclavers and carbolic soap, will we get petroleum at 24p a Ltr as well?


----------



## byegad (17 Nov 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Which one ?
> 
> Shear bad temper, Durham; shear bad temper, Yorkshire; or shear bad temper, Essex ?


Yorkshire.
We are at home in Byegad Towers for the Yuletide break at the moment. The Embassy staff in Durham are having a short break in that they don't have Lady Byegad's sharp tongue ordering them around all day! The fires were very picturesque last night and there's a huddled mass of peasantry at the North gates of Byegad Towers trying to gain shelter under the Buttresses of the North Tower. I'll get the guards to shower them with cold water once it gets a bit colder to move them on. The lazy beggars need to be rebuilding their hovels unless they want to freeze to death. 

Meanwhile the reward for the demise of the SBGG has gone viral with people from all over Yorkshire offering real cash for his head, preferably detached from his body. Even denizens of the uncivilised world (Everywhere else but Yorkshire!) have offered money. Methinks that this could be a nice little earner as money flows in, so don't expect to read of his death until the cash stops flowing. 

Meanwhile T't Whiteshirts (The political wing of the Yorkshire independence party.) are holding a torchlight rally in York to recruit a secret army of informants and assassins all dedicated to the capture and eventual slow lingering death of the SBGG. We are even thinking of allowing foreigners, from anywhere but Lancashire of course, to join in this holy campaign to cleanse Rawmarsh* of the scourge of the SBGG. 

* A little known fact is that Rawmarsh supplies almost all of Yorkshire with a village idiot, and even supplies that foreign despote Queen Elizabeth of Saxe-Coberg und Gortha (and England) with a fool. He's so good he even pretends to be Greek!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Nov 2015)

Rapid and strenuous attempts to close the checkpoint Cedric faild.
Diplomatic a temps will continue to resolv the problem of revolting presents upt north.

My mum has found some care workers she likes violet and loo both from Africa where lady's of a fuller figure are found.
Both are incredibly strong and I must admit some what intimidating, I don't think it is common practice for one to be thrown a cross a lady's shoulder then run up the corridor to the bath room for ones ablutions.?


----------



## classic33 (22 Nov 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Rapid and strenuous attempts to close the checkpoint Cedric faild.
> Diplomatic a temps will continue to resolv the problem of revolting presents upt north.
> 
> My mum has found some care workers she likes violet and loo both from Africa where lady's of a fuller figure are found.
> Both are incredibly strong and I must admit some what intimidating, I don't think it is common practice for one to be thrown a cross a lady's shoulder then run up the corridor to the bath room for ones ablutions.?


Practice, for when you least expect it!
They are also checking their timings and route beforehand.


----------



## byegad (23 Nov 2015)

Hah! Got away with it.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Nov 2015)

My ice trike complete with wind rap fit under my camper bed, trips to the far north may be coming up.
I will be towing a robin reliant


----------



## classic33 (25 Nov 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> My ice trike complete with wind rap fit under my camper bed, trips to the far north may be coming up.
> I will be towing a robin reliant


Bond Bugs in reverse!


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Nov 2015)

I had a fort a old plastic upside down bath tub might make a nice Vélo ?


----------



## Smokin Joe (25 Nov 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> My ice trike complete with wind rap fit under my camper bed, trips to the far north may be coming up.
> I will be towing a robin reliant


What's a Robin Reliant, is it the same as a Mondeo Ford or a Vectra Vauxhall?


----------



## Scoosh (25 Nov 2015)

Smokin Joe said:


> What's a Robin Reliant, is it the same as a Mondeo Ford or a Vectra Vauxhall?


Not too different but one wheel less ... or less one wheel ...


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2015)

Like the one on TVs only fools and cumberions! Only not as good condition.
The motor will be dropped out and a cbr650 put in over the back wheels, it will be slick as snot!


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2015)

A plastic pig we say rand eeeeer


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2015)

One on eBay with a cbr650 motorbike engine, it will be slick as snot


----------



## Speicher (26 Nov 2015)

One of these?


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Nov 2015)

I have put up a ariel up for my morse, three fishing rods and some speaker wire and just been working a chap in Croatia using 3watts from my tiny spy transmitter. I am all flush with achievement


----------



## Scoosh (26 Nov 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I have put up a ariel up for my morse, three fishing rods and some speaker wire and just been working a chap in Croatia using 3watts from my tiny spy transmitter. I am all flush with achievement


Probably speaking much the same language too ...... (gibberish to most of us ...)


----------



## classic33 (27 Nov 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Probably speaking much the same language too ...... (gibberish to most of us ...)


Do you think they were having the same conversation?


----------



## Scoosh (27 Nov 2015)

classic33 said:


> Do you think they were having the same conversation?


Unlikely, as SBGG-language in unintelligible to the rest of the planet. 

Might have been an interesting exchange ...


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Nov 2015)

Morse is a international language

Cq m5ark k = calling all stations m5ark ( my call sign ) please call now
M5ark de 9a3jh kn = m5ark this station is 9a3jh (his call) station I am calling only
Ur rst 549 op Andy qth (name of town) bk = your signal report is readability 5 out of 5 your signal strength 4 out of 5 your tone quality 9 out of 9 brake ( this is a quick way of saying back to the station I am working
I would reply to this with his ,rst and my name and town then send tax fer info my wx is cloudy es temp 5c 73 tu .. =thanks for your information my wether report is cloudy and a tepriture of 5 centre grade all the best to you thanks to you ..

Ther are numerous Q codes to pas a lot of information as quickly as poseble before conditions degrade in contact quality.


----------



## Scoosh (27 Nov 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> ...pas a lot of information as quickly as poseble before conditions degrade in contact quality


Too Late ! 

Surely "conditions ... in contact quality" between SBGG and the rest of humanity had sadly degraded many moons ago.  ->


----------



## byegad (27 Nov 2015)

Well done Scoosh, as you postulated, gibberish! Having spoken to the SBGG and even followed him on a ride I can attest to the fact that his speech is less clear than his posts. Also I have had the great pleasure of watching him ride his trice on two wheels, for all of 2 yards until someone put a hedge in his way. Sadly he would not repeat this for the cameras, he said people would think he's a fool.


----------



## Scoosh (28 Nov 2015)

Thank you @byegad for the insight that SBGG's trike-handling skills remain superior to his linguistic ones. 

However, it does beg the question "What is the linguistic equivalent of a 'someone put a hedge in the way' " ?


----------



## markg0vbr (2 Dec 2015)

Dunt worry abat it, I've reflexes of a medicated cobra like.

I am still offering rides on the back of my BMW trike, my record for two wheel riding is now 68mph ( this was during a overtak of a convoy of cars and vans last week). 
I am still looking for a ex shot putting pole dancer lady able to out rig while on twisty bits of road.


----------



## Speicher (2 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Dunt worry abat it, I've reflexes of a medicated cobra like.
> 
> I am still offering rides on the back of my BMW trike, my record for two wheel riding is now 68mph ( this was during a overtak of a convoy of cars and vans last week).
> I am still looking for a ex shot putting pole dancer lady able to out rig while on twisty bits of road.



I haven't done shot putting, but I have done java lin, and ice hocky and fiver side footy, and cricket. What are your scales of remooneration for outrigging?


----------



## classic33 (2 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Dunt worry abat it, I've reflexes of a medicated cobra like.
> 
> I am still offering rides on the back of my BMW trike, my record for two wheel riding is now 68mph ( this was during a overtak of a convoy of cars and vans last week).
> I am still looking for a *ex shot putting pole dancer lady* able to out rig while on twisty bits of road.


One on BGT, this week!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2015)

Remuneration is one stake and kidney pie chips n peas per day.

I can install a short mast with harness and hobnail boots.


----------



## classic33 (3 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Remuneration is one stake and kidney pie chips n peas per day.
> 
> I can install a short mast with harness and hobnail boots.


Don't be daft. 
What good would the harness and hobnail boots be to a mast???


----------



## Speicher (3 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Remuneration is one stake and kidney pie chips n peas per day.
> 
> I can install a short mast with harness and hobnail boots.



Is that mushy pees or garden pees?


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Dec 2015)

Home made mushy pees are always served to my dads resepy; he would dish them out and always asked if we wanted pre chewed pees.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Dec 2015)

boat building is best done with a eye for a bargain.


----------



## classic33 (6 Dec 2015)

Best done with one eye on the weather, an ear on the forcast and hope they both match.


----------



## Scoosh (6 Dec 2015)

classic33 said:


> Best done with one eye on the weather, an ear on the forcast ......


Yes, I think our SBGG could manage that ...


----------



## classic33 (6 Dec 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Yes, I think our SBGG could manage that ...


If I'd put one eye on the weather and the other on the forecast, there's a chance he might hit his hand whilst building his boat.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Dec 2015)

I am experimenting with concrete boat building and super hero crime fighting.
I will be catheter bag man.


----------



## classic33 (9 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> I am experimenting with concrete boat building and super hero crime fighting.
> I will be catheter bag man.


Adam & Jamie(Mythbusters) built a boat out of concrete. Have you thought about using Pykrete instead?


----------



## markg0vbr (11 Dec 2015)

Pykrete? Is that the stuf chaps with a Irish accent use on your drive when they come knocking at your door.

The lard candle has now been lit the haggis is hanging the anty Carollers water buckets are filled.
Last years cards have been put back up and the circulating presents relabelled.


----------



## classic33 (11 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Pykrete? Is that the stuf chaps with a Irish accent use on your drive when they come knocking at your door.
> 
> The lard candle has now been lit the haggis is hanging the anty Carollers water buckets are filled.
> Last years cards have been put back up and the circulating presents relabelled.


_*"Pykrete* is a frozen composite material made of approximately 14 percent sawdust or some other form of wood pulp (such as paper) and 86 percent ice by weight (6 to 1 by weight). During World War II, Geoffrey Pyke proposed it as a candidate material for a huge, unsinkable aircraft carrier for the British Royal Navy."_
_*See also*
http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/a4101/4313387/_


----------



## markg0vbr (12 Dec 2015)

The latest thing is hempcrete, stronger and lighter predominantly in Eco buildings.

Size is a problem as I can only mix a smal bucket full at a time.


----------



## classic33 (12 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> The latest thing is hempcrete, stronger and lighter predominantly in Eco buildings.
> 
> Size is a problem as I can only mix a smal bucket full at a time.


Hebden Bridge, via Rochdale way is your way then.


----------



## markg0vbr (13 Dec 2015)

Not being a fantastic swimmer perhaps putting wheels on it and sailing on the road might be safer


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2015)

Nurse! He's gibbering again, fetch the canvas jacket and a large Cognac*. We'll tie his hands behind his back and trip him up. That we we get hours of entertainment watching him try to swear and stand up at the same time.**

*I like a snifter while being entertained.
**It's a well proven fact that he's incapable of doing one thing at the same time, let alone two things.


----------



## classic33 (13 Dec 2015)

markg0vbr said:


> Not being a fantastic swimmer perhaps putting wheels on it and sailing on the road might be safer


Always a head wind on that valley road, not suited to tacking.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2015)

If we persuade him to make an amphibious yacht, with the prevailing winds in West Riding you'll soon have the East or North Riding declaring war for the export of a noxious substance. Meanwhile the thought of the SBGG tacking his concrete yacht against the wind on a busy main road brings a warm glow to my black heart.


----------



## Speicher (13 Dec 2015)

A concrete anphibious yacht is going to be sewn to the wind while riding westwards in Yorkshire.

What thread is he using?

SBGG will needle the help he can get.


----------



## byegad (13 Dec 2015)

For the eddyfikashon of Speicher.

Tacking
To change a boat's direction, bringing the bow through the eye of the wind. To tack repeatedly, as when trying to sail to a point up wind of the boat.

The idea of him doing this on the M1 has me rolling on the library floor in delight.


----------



## classic33 (13 Dec 2015)

byegad said:


> For the eddyfikashon of Speicher.
> 
> Tacking
> To change a boat's direction, bringing the bow through the eye of the wind. To tack repeatedly, as when trying to sail to a point up wind of the boat.
> ...


All six lanes, or just one side?


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2015)

classic33 said:


> All six lanes, or just one side?


Let's hope he goes for the 6 lane option!


----------



## byegad (14 Dec 2015)

Meanwhile, momentous news on the Embassy front. While in County Durham the staff have, over the years, expressed dissatisfaction over their accommodation. This has been disdainfully ignored by those of us who actually have a bedroom and anyway camping on the back lawn has many health benefits. 

In a move which will have many a Yorkshireman and woman 'gobsmacked' and 'reet unchuffed', the Yorkshire government have decided to buy a larger Embassy just down the road from the old one. So sometime in the Spring, while myself and Lady Byegad are taking some time at Byegad Towers in God's own County of Yorkshire, the Embassy staff will move all of the Embassy and personal furnishings to the new premises. Once all of the hard work has been completed we will take up residence after of course representing our credentials to the Prince Bishop at the Court of Saint Cuddy. 

I'm a little concerned about Lady Byegad's Grand Piano-Forte during the move. Obviously we will allow the staff to start moving it on a dry day, but as the average age of the staff is somewhat over 80 years of age*, getting it down from the attic in the old embassy and into the East wing of the new may prove fatal for some of them. 

Once ensconced in the new Embassy we will have an even longer drive for people to be dragged down when their claim for assistance has been rejected, and we will need to redeploy one of the staff into care of the larger grounds, mainly raking the drive to hide the blood and minor body parts. At the moment their is an unhealthy competition among the staff trying to prove that they need to work in the warm.**

*There's good reason for this, most are hanging on for their owed back pay. Several of these individuals popping their clogs will save the Exchequer a small fortune so it's a win/win situation apparently. I can't see why as their chances of actually getting money from the York Exchequer is as close to zero as makes no matter.

**Yorkshire tax payers (All three of them***.) should rest assured that no money is wasted on heating the Embassy when Lady Byegad and my good self are not in residence. However as the York government pays (Or rather tries not to pay!) the bill for the Embassy we do tend to take up residence rather than waste our own money heating even a small part of Byegad Towers. 

*** Believe it or not one of whom was the SBGG who was caught on a day of falling over and not getting up by our collection team of Ruddy Big Seth and his cudgel carrier Little Seth and effectively mugged. It is thought he is still searching under the sofa for his lost coin as post traumatic memory loss means he has no recollection of the event.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Dec 2015)

When moving a Piano-forte (or a Forte-fortissimo as we used to call it when F-i-L was playing) one aspect to be well recommended is to have someone playing a suitable (or unsuitable, even) stirring choon* as the porters are carrying Lady Byegad's instrument. This proved most efficacious when moving the late Mother Scoosh's ??? Royal** Piano-forte to her new abode some years ago. The talented Mrs Scoosh  played*** as the instrument was carried on its way. The Scoosh Brothers kept requesting a nice march tune but it was January in Embra and poor Mrs Scoosh's silk gloves kept slipping on the ivories, so only a more sedate slow waltz was available.****



*a funeral dirge might fit well here

**officially, it's a mini-Royal but that's semantics for you

***to be taken in the fullest interpretation of the word - keys were being pressed, ergo it was being played

****the bonus benefit is that said Scoosh Bothers have, since that joyous day, never yet asked for removal assistance - nor even said much to Mr & Mrs Scoosh


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2015)

http://www.ecofriend.com/ptreosail-to-sail-across-the-usa-on-solar-and-wind-power.html

The very thing I can mess about on the water-not with one of them.
Olso I have been looking at a small asist for my hand bike non of this electric rubbish, it's steam for me.

View: http://youtu.be/mF-WoiUbYRc


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2015)

My dad is the only repeat customer my undertaker friend has had, my mum was always frightened some one would brake in and nick his ashes if we went away on holiday.
So we would take him down to my friends chapel of rest for his holiday when ever mum was going away.
He has apart from holidays been siting in a rather tasteful appointed oak box with brass name plate on a shelf in the front room for 7 years.
This Thursday for the second time in 35 years we will be using the *front door for mum.

*only reasons for using the front door weddings, funerals, man of the cloth calling and the tick man calling for over due payment.


----------



## Scoosh (14 Dec 2015)

Very story to hear that @markg0vbr. 

My condolences.


----------



## markg0vbr (14 Dec 2015)

We had a extra 17years of remission.
But we have to vacate the council pyramid asap so I will be back to a upstairs loo


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Dec 2015)

I am no designing a wee pump to save trips upstairs.
The draft hours driven version has been discounted as the suction produced would turn the user inside out.
The design has been down sized to hamster driven with a electric prod.


----------



## byegad (15 Dec 2015)

Sorry to hear of our loss Mark. Hope you are bearing up as the 'Head of the Household'.


----------



## classic33 (15 Dec 2015)

Sorry to hear of your loss.


----------



## byegad (16 Dec 2015)

More sad news I'm afraid.

Lancashire has declared war on Rawmarsh. The reason? They've discovered that per capita Rawmarsh uses 43 times as much lard compared to the Lancashire average!

More on the Lard War as news comes in.


----------



## byegad (17 Dec 2015)

Breaking News almost all of Rawmarsh has been declared neutral with regard to Lancashire's Lard War. However a hovel with a huge aerial attached is thought to be the only viable target and cruise clogs have been launched to obliterate the hovel and its denizen(s).

Precision clogging is thought to be in its infancy in the Lancashire Air Force so collateral damage could ensue. In a worst case scenario 50% of Rawmarsh could be accidently destroyed at an estimated rebuilding cost of 42p!


----------



## markg0vbr (18 Dec 2015)

I fear no namby pamby wishy washy foppish Lancaster inbreds.
Last week I finally reached my fighting weight it has taken me three years to gain back almost 42lbs, dragging three car tyres behind the wheelchair was the thing that put me over the top.


----------



## byegad (19 Dec 2015)

Intercept from LAF control.


Locked on transmission *Clog Him!*


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Dec 2015)

I am in mexborough


----------



## byegad (20 Dec 2015)

Too late that went off in June 2010!

Hang on I've just had a terrible thought. Have the Lancastrians invented Time Travel? Last time I was there it seemed like 1953, so maybe they have/had/willen haven had.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Dec 2015)

I have been going through paper work and photographs and came across my mums complaint letters* to the council, mobile phone operators, utility's company's and bizarrely harrods!

They are very amusing " being a shower of burocrats who still wet behind the ears have no idea what is involved with looking after my husband should keep lips tight shut on the matter" this one went on for some time in this vain and was regarding Doncaster council "care service"** wanting to make my dads last call to put him to bed at 9pm.
If something niggled her it would not be dropped, letters phone calls and personal appearances*** all helped.
When we herd " ok we will see about this" in that tone of voice it was time to baton down the hatches 


*being In charge of her facultys and having time on her hands she loved a good argument, if it was one sided all the better.
** the derision and loathing in her voice, when the name of this servic was used was a thing af beauty and could only be delivered by a third dan sarcastion.
*** much to the horror of a number of managers and department heads we had a van with a ramp mum sat on a cushion to drive it being 4ft 11


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Dec 2015)

Packing boxes as the council are kicking us out so it will be back to my house soon.

I think peeing in a bottle then dumping it through the council letter box once a week might give them some idea of what I think of them.
35years we have lived in the bungalow but as the tenancy is in my mums name and I own a house, out we must go.
This January makes 4 years I have not been able to use half my house the lads could have sold all the wallpaper and carpets for all I know.
I will get one of them drone things to fly up and see what they have been up to.


----------



## byegad (25 Dec 2015)

All this dodging about between houses at Xmas may be designed to confuse the Lancastrians in their Lard War but, like Saddam, the end result will be finding the SBGG in one hole and putting him, minus breath in another!


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Dec 2015)

Still packing baaaaaaaaa humbug


----------



## markg0vbr (25 Dec 2015)

I hate carol singers may they all become covered in weeping boils, coming knocking ont door being all "cheerful" it makes my blood run cold when I see them Christmas jumper clad creations. 
Back to boxing and humping grumble grumble.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Dec 2015)

To day we hav done as much as we can until we get the keys tomorrow.
Well I say we a lot of the time I have to supervise from my recliner so I can see the big picture.

If I can get the lazy lot out of bed before 7:30* half a day they waist laying about sleeping, I could leave a list of instructions on the table for them to follow while I am hammock testing and they started my foot massage half a hour late.
Grumble grumble only three chocolate digestives with my second breakfast tea brake.





*best part of the day 4am up with the bats deep breathing and stretching.


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2015)

Ous SBGG and his minions are on the move! Beware allyou towns, villages and cities of the UK who have neglected to appoint an official village/town/city idiot. (London you are OK as you have Boris!) 

Where will the SBGG lay down his bleary head? 

When will he communicate with us again?

Who killed JR?


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2015)

Finally Who cares???????????


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2015)

byegad said:


> Finally Who cares???????????


We ALL do - he might be coming to a place near to where we live  ... and the defences have not been fully assembled ...  


Anyway, I hope the move goes well, SBGG and you find the arranged comfortable abode within the walls of Byegad Towers !


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2015)

Where I come from that's almost fighting talk Scoosh! Let people inhabit the Towers????????
At my expense you mean??

Now you may well hail from Scotland, that land well known for its open-handed generosity and spendthrift habits, but in Yorkshire a Farthing is a Farthing and shouldn't be spent! And freeloading is something we do to others, not have it done to us.

Meanwhile the Embassy move progresses apace and sometime in the early New Year we expect to vacate the old embassy, clear the minefields in the grounds and have a large crane move the office safe to the new Embassy, where the security will be much better and the fields of fire for the Yorkshire Marine Corps First Armoured Squadron* tanks.

* This unit is usually based in Grimsby, Lincolnshire where it is left to live off the land, so costing us nothing in upkeep and rations. County Durham is in for a shock when their Tank Landing Cobles turn up off Seaton Carew sometime in the New Year. They plan to redevelop** British West Hartlepool then progress to the new Embassy.

**This redevelopment is a continuation of the scheme started in December 1914 by the Imperial German Navy. In that action many buildings were damaged and some 86 people were killed with several hundred injured. Damage to the tune of £3 17s 9d was incurred. We aim to avoid civilian injuries by forcing an evacuation of all denizens of the town then completely leveling the entire built up area. Accounting for inflation we estimate total cost of damage may well reach over £150. No monkeys will be hurt in this action, which makes a change!


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2015)

Calm down, young Sir and get one of your staff to untwist your undergarment ...

Whoever said that you would be bearing any of the expense ? Wherever did that idea come from ? Too much ruby/ amber coloured liquid for a young chap over the 'Festive Season', I suspect. 

I had been led to believe that, as the SBGG is often in a state of 'discomfort' from his back/ neck/head/anything connected to his thoughts, he would be very grateful to rest in the special chair you keep for 'therapeutic massage' purposes - you know, the one connected to the wind turbine and solar panels ... which can provide a suitable level of currants [sic]  to keep the SBGG warm and comfortable and thus suitably restrained to enjoy the relaxing buzz of the electrical thingies doing what they do best - slow cooking or frying.  He might even think it is his very own electric-assist mobile chair ... were it not for the BIG screws holding said chair firmly in place.

As this 'relaxator' chair is within the grounds of Byegad Towers and because the Government is so generous, they will even be paying you money [though not sure if it is 'good' money, as it is based in that there 'Sarf of Engerland' but, if they are offering, 'twould be churlish not to be accepting their _largesse_, now wouldn't it ? 

Thus, you gain financially from the Government , gain from the philanthropic gesture  and gain from being able to assist the SBGG  - a Win-Win-Win situation, with the added bonus of your impending re-location, which might not include all the solar panels, windy turbines etc, and, as the SBGG will be connected to them, 'twould indeed be even more churlish to require him to move yet again. Short term gain -> Long term gain.

"What is not to Like ?" I believe is the current expression.


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2015)

We banned the electric chair as being far too humane, the press, rack and iron maiden were good enough in Great Grandfather's day and and as we already have them, they don't use electrickery and are powered by free human* muscle power.

*Well looking again at the Igor, nearly human, or possibly 'at one time' human.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2015)

Unusual for you to have almost missed out on a Government 'nearly-freebie' - though I guess you don't _really_ need it ...

There is always the option of using the lightning conductor or even the driver ...


----------



## Speicher (30 Dec 2015)

In a bid to rescue the SBBG, a Chinook helichopter has been scrambled. It is currently flying low in this vicinity awaiting my furtive instructifications.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2015)

Has it got BIG BAGS slung underneath it, ready for dropping ??

To build sandbag 'protection'  for the SBGG, naturally ...


----------



## byegad (30 Dec 2015)

Scoosh said:


> Unusual for you to have almost missed out on a Government 'nearly-freebie' - though I guess you don't _really_ need it ...
> 
> There is always the option of using the lightning conductor or even the driver ...



1. The Gibberment and I don't communicate. I don't pay taxes to them, they only make half hearted attempts to get us to pay, so we usually send back half of the heart of each Inspector of Taxes that gets by the Yorkshire border. 

2. Lightning tends to conduct itself badly in this area so maybe the fact that we don't seem to have a driver since Uncle Bob went out to play a set of golf with his sticks in a thunder storm and got fried when he tried to bully off the first base and his stick got welded to his hands.* We ended up burying him and the stick. 

*Some of the terms may be incorrect as I'm not a golfist myself.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Dec 2015)

byegad said:


> We ended up burying him *and the stick*.


Clearly amateur Yorkshirepeoples !


----------



## byegad (2 Jan 2016)

Meanwhile the minefields around the Embassy have finally been accurately mapped* and the new team to do the lifting is being assembled from local orphanages. The minefield on the new Embassy will be laid next week, traps and pitfalls installed the next week and we hope to be in, and fully protected, by the end of February. 

Byegad Towers is still on full alert and will give the SBGG a traditional Yorkshire** welcome should he turn up. 

* With the loss of several local urchins. Thankfully nobody important, myself and Lady Byegad, were even slightly discommoded by the bangs.

** Rob him blind, and throw him out into the cold with only the rags on his back. Unless we can sell the rags! Not a pretty thought !


----------



## Scoosh (2 Jan 2016)

byegad said:


> Unless we can sell the rags! Not a pretty thought


Interested that you are near completion of your embassy move/renovation and were there to be any left-over stuff that needs to be incinerated, that you would have all the starter fuel needed ... so you could always sell them/it as 'hazardous bads*' with a suitable** health warning. 


* clearly they could not be considered 'goods'
** 'suitable' being none


----------



## byegad (2 Jan 2016)

Well I could have it transported back to Yorkshire and use it to set a few hovels aflame. It must be days since we've done that. The serfs will think I don't care.


----------



## classic33 (2 Jan 2016)

http://beforeitsnews.com/self-suffi...-traps-to-protect-your-homestead-2492538.html


----------



## Scoosh (2 Jan 2016)

byegad said:


> The serfs will think I don't care


Does not Compute !  Does not Compute ! 

serfs don't _think_ - do they ? (are yours super-serfs  ?)
You _don't_ care !


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2016)

Well I'm reliably informed serfs have a rudimentary brain, and no I don't care but it's good to see the fear trickle down their legs as I pass by and burning the odd hovel seems to generate that kind of respect. As one expects when one is in one's position* in the social order.

*Very near the top, I'm even on speaking terms with God when he's not wearing silly hats and commenting on cricket.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2016)

It is almost complete the move.

The destination is classified until we have finished negotiations on the house next door to knock through.

Christmas was cancelled and I am refusing to be dragged into the century of the irritated opossum and so the new year will be put on hold.


The ice trike is being serviced also the high racer though it will be sporting some sticky out bits so it will look as wide as a trike from the back.

Is it possible to get air lifted with my braces?


----------



## byegad (4 Jan 2016)

Any one needing the supposedly secret address please send your name and contact details on an English £10 note to:-

Lord Byegad's private SAS.
PO Box URDED
North Riding of God's Own County of Yorkshire.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> The destination is classified until we have finished negotiations on the house next door to knock through.


I believe this is intended to mean "we haven't yet told the neighbours that we are going to knock down their house but they'll find out when we've completed the work". Very Estate Agent ...


----------



## Speicher (4 Jan 2016)

It would be polite to knock on their door, before knocking a whole hole in the side of their house, methinks.


----------



## Scoosh (4 Jan 2016)

"polite" .... SBGG ... are these compatible in the same sentence without a 'not' ? He is from that 'strange' county, you know ...


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2016)

We is very polight, we allas tell foke if thy r getin on us nerves "pack it in or thal get a smack int gob" then we hit them very hard in the face just as a friendly warning.

I was going to move next door to my older two mini me's but having assessed the house next door the likely hood of freighting them in to moving is not very good as they are ex ??? Drug users and on probation !

The houses over the road belongs to a two old lady's that might drop of the perch at any time.
some around the corner might be coming up soon ish. The gardens run across the end of mine so we will be able to take the hedg out and make all three gardens in to one. I will be able to put in a narrow gage rail system for my recliner to go out through a roller door at the back of my house and using points go to ether of the kids, a canopy may be needed over my chair if it is raining or a fishing umbrella?

The first house we lived in my dads sisters lived ether side of us and my dads mum lived over the back. All the kids would be passed over the yard walls to my gran in the morning then passed back over at lunch time after my mum and two aunts had done the house work.
In the local towns this was common for family to move in to adjoining houses so the older kids could pip round next door with a plate for gran or borrow bits n bobs till pay day.


The haggis tinning was done last week after they had been hung for six weeks to become gamey.

Tomorrow I will be up at the crack of mid morning to roll up my sleeves and supervise the ikle ist mini me painting and cleaning at my house so he can move in to the big bed room that is now vacant Snurthththth they grow up so fast .


----------



## classic33 (5 Jan 2016)

Scoosh said:


> "polite" .... SBGG ... are these compatible in the same sentence without a 'not' ? He is from that 'strange' county, you know ...


Nowt strange about Yorkshire!!


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2016)

Scoosh said:


> "polite" .... SBGG ... are these compatible in the same sentence without a 'not' ? He is from that 'strange' county, you know ...




This from a nation jealous of our reputation for thrift!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2016)

"jealous" ??? _ 'jealous' ?.....?*_ 

From the people who taught you all you know* about thrift ? 



'jealous' ...      


* some ? removed in the interests of frugality
** naturally, we kept some of our secrets best ideas back - wouldn't want you to get swelly-headed


----------



## classic33 (5 Jan 2016)

We've a way of parting heads. Copied by the French and the Scottish.

Scottish were the only ones to hire it out though!


----------



## markg0vbr (8 Jan 2016)

Aaaaargggh it's all gone chesticls Up!
Emegration to the next village should not be this hard. No electricery int front bedroom is now thought to be down to a nail int wire That runs through the plaster up the wall, grinder and chisel noises will be herd soon. A drip from under the sink in the bathroom will be for the third time some time next week and the new vent in the front room is like a whind tunnel in overdrive if I was a man frock northern tribe man I would have to put wool undergarments on.


The frog forecast for the week end is low so paddling in the canal cut looking for a new shopping trolley may be on it has become common practice in some parts of Rotherham to use trolleys in the garde to burn house hold rubbish I don't do this as I have a nice log stove but I still like to fit in so want one to just stand in the back garden with a bit of ash spread around it so people will not think I am all posh and snobby when I ignore them in the street.


----------



## Scoosh (8 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> ... if I was a man frock northern tribe man I would have to put wool undergarments on


... and you would be described as "a big Jessie" or "a big wuss" ! 



markg0vbr said:


> ... so people will not think I am all posh and snobby when I ignore them in the street.


I don't think there is _too_ much danger of that - they'll have seen you by then ... 

Good to see that you have been fully committed (really !) to saving sparing the planet by burning your house whole rubbish on a log stove - but I do wonder if the logs won't complain ... but as they are 'nice' logs, I suppose they are too polite. You could learn from them - like how to keep warm ...


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jan 2016)

My log fire has a cat a lick it thing it is very good for lifting your night shirt to give your bum worm up before bed.
It helps with the terrible shooting pain in my left knee keeps you from getting bord through the night. 

I keep having a go at shooting night John boy but I don't think my lads get the refrance.


----------



## byegad (10 Jan 2016)

Sounds like a good start shooting that sanctimonious prick John Boy! Personally I always felt like shooting the whole Walton clan whenever the first Lady Byegad watched that rubbish.


----------



## markg0vbr (10 Jan 2016)

Sorry ...shouting not shooting.
You will have people thinking I am un hinged, all the trophies I have are real if some what on the small size*.

I sleep-d this morning and woke up feeling terrific I may set out enthusiastecly to clime the stairs.
Base camp will be at the third step after aclimetisation an attempt to summit will be made, without oxygen or a native guide.
I intend to have a live feed to my YouTube Chanel via drone for the flag planting.

Unfortunately I have had to re think the tv in my camper van the 60" with surround sound and sub woofer was a tad ambitious, I have instead opted for a small shelf for my kindle.
It will however have a pice of the high tec rubber anty slip matting on it in bright green, the latest technology you know.

Suffering a minion strik yesterday** admittedly it was three twenty am and I was not fiering on all cilinders so was a bit slow and slerred a bit on the intercom he flatly refused to go to the supermacardo and get them!
I am googleing them remot control jockey things the use on camels when they race them, I am not going to put up with this wonton disregard for my care, I should report him to adult social services for cripple abuse.

You just can't get good staf I would have thought by now you would be able to get them flat packed.
What happened to all the under sea houses and fully automatic kitchens I was promised when I was a lad glued to tomorrow's world https://soundcloud.com/chris-nash-22/tomorrows-world-theme-1980seagerly awaiting the next cutting edge invention.

*you try stuffing and mounting a ant.
**i just realised that we had no olives in brine and tind oxtong so hit the emergency radio linked door bell button linked to minion 1's bed room, it plays a medley you know I though it would be entertaing for him, a lot better than a buzzer.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jan 2016)

I have yet again got staffing issues, not wanting to waist expensive diesel, I have been working on a sail and discountable mast for the top of my luxury motor home (old plumbers van), most times I am out and about being too strong for light work, I am not in a rush so plod along at a blistering 24.3mph enjoying the sights.
My calculations done using the pocket calculator and abacus, allowing for a small margin of error in my CSE grad maths, a mast 30ft high with a boom of 20ft would be of significant use.

On contacting some former work peeps I was informed it would be unlikely BT would remove the phone lines over the road along my most traveled roads.

I am now looking into a dog asist for my ice trike with heated clothing.


----------



## Speicher (15 Jan 2016)

I do not thinkle that dogs need heating clothing. They are constructed with a built-in flurry coat. If you added a second coat, you will have to brush them freak quently.


----------



## byegad (15 Jan 2016)

I think he means his Trike has heated clothing. Last time I saw him, I certainly tried to persuade him that soaking the trike, and himself in petrol and taking up smoking would be a big help! 

We can but hope...


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jan 2016)

Heated vest for is for me it is the one I use on my motortrike in combination with my heated seat, hand grips, gloves and boot insoles.
I also have a gaucho, it is like a combination chaps + apron it is wind and water proof with a fleece lining.
I can over heat when in slow moving trafic and in the wet start to steam.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jan 2016)

I have been told the rspca would look unkindly on using a dog assist, this is odd as I have seen lots of videos of people with dog assist and they seem to like what they are doing!


----------



## classic33 (15 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> Heated vest for is for me it is the one I use on my motortrike in combination with my heated seat, hand grips, gloves and boot insoles.
> I also have a gaucho, it is like a combination chaps + apron it is wind and water proof with a fleece lining.
> I can over heat when in slow moving trafic and in the wet start to steam.


You need Generation 4 Men's Heated Pants Liner

Just plug em in and away you go.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2016)

I have two battery's now a motobike one and a small car one with the upgraded alternator.
With the long extension I can sit about chatting still plunged in I is fab heated gloves vest and insoles humming away.

I don't do tempritur differentials very well, pain when going out in the cold and again coming in to the house.
I think I feel a holiday coming on some nice sunny dry place, with nice cycling and like me stunningly gorges people.
It is hard work being sun bronzed and Greek god like all the time.


----------



## byegad (16 Jan 2016)

True he's gorge, well he makes mine rise.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2016)

I like drugs you know! Mmmmmm


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2016)

Mmmmmmmmmmm aaaaaaa no pain .... Listen to the cosmic fish.


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2016)

byegad said:


> True he's gorge, well he makes mine rise.


Errr whooooosh splat.
I know not to what you refer sir


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Jan 2016)

I am beginning to think the dog is defective, I had to move him away from the log fire as I could smell his fur singe.
He never barks and likes to lay with all his legs in the air, totally refuses to fetch a stick and will only go out in the rain 
When absolutely necessary.
It might be a cat in a dogs body, should I start a support groupe and can I get funding from the eu?


----------



## byegad (19 Jan 2016)

The SBGG has a defective dog??

Who'd a' thought?


----------



## Speicher (19 Jan 2016)

I knew someone who was very keen on classical music, and he had two dogs and a cat. He called them Bach, Offenbach and Depussy.


----------



## byegad (19 Jan 2016)




----------



## markg0vbr (22 Jan 2016)

Heeeeeeeeee the Bach 

Having moved my miniest mini me to the big bed room, vacated when the middle mini me moved in with his lumpy jumper.
I have discovered the joys of a spare bed room! Har seid I " at last I will be able to hang all my motobike kit and trike kit in the spare room yoiks tally hoooo gadzooks what what don't you know"
This it turned out was not to be, when I went leaping in to action to implement my plan with arm loads of clothing, l found difficulty opening the door!
My eldest mini me had beaten me to it, I don't think I could fit a pair of gloves in "don't worry daddy it is only while I move in to my new house"this dose not fill me with confidence I think my loft is still full of just a few bits from the last move she was asking how often I used my bed room as I tend to sleep a lot in the armchair


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2016)

Tomorrow will be the last time I leave the bungalow, hand in the keys Monday.
It has been a hard slog.

My next challenge will be ....... Socks without oxygen or a support team I will endeavour to don some, even a slight possibility of a paire.

Forms socks it is a small step to world domination, for I have sweated onder the yoke of apreshion for too long.
Free independent Yorkshire, Free independent Yorkshire, Free independent Yorkshire, what do we want? Free independent Yorkshire Now!


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Jan 2016)

It came, it has arrived the worlds slowest ejector seat fully not standing up to vertical in 1min!
The same to become horizontal.

 One slight problem if the power trips out because of one of the frequent fluctuations in the supply, the ejector seat has no manual option so I would be stuck until some one reset the breaker 
At some point the mini me's might work this out and switch me off.
A cunning plan may be to investigate battery back up or a over head Porridge hopper.


----------



## classic33 (24 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> It came, it has arrived the worlds slowest ejector seat fully not standing up to vertical in 1min!
> The same to become horizontal.
> 
> One slight problem if the power trips out because of one of the frequent fluctuations in the supply, the ejector seat has no manual option so I would be stuck until some one reset the breaker
> ...


Is battery backup available or even wise?
Electric fences work on battery power.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Jan 2016)

I have it clock work radio gubbins, if my maths work out horizontal to vertical in 1hr 37mins.


----------



## Scoosh (28 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> Tomorrow will be the last time I leave the bungalow, hand in the keys Monday





markg0vbr said:


> It came, it has arrived the worlds slowest ejector seat fully not standing up to vertical in 1min


Onwards and upwards !


----------



## classic33 (28 Jan 2016)

Scoosh said:


> Onwards and upwards !


You including a parachute?


----------



## Scoosh (28 Jan 2016)

Why would one consider that ? The further up the SBGG goes, the less sun we see, so one wants him out of the way soonest.

Parachute ?? PAH !


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jan 2016)

I can now get my nana peanut butter cheese and brown sauce sandwich out of the fridge so it is not left at the Sid elf me fermenting.


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Jan 2016)

The slow motion ejector seat has opened up a hole new world of wonders.
I can now nosey what the fat pepole next door ar doing and what takeaways they are having delivered.


----------



## byegad (29 Jan 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> It came, it has arrived the worlds slowest ejector seat fully not standing up to vertical in 1min!
> The same to become horizontal.
> 
> One slight problem if the power trips out because of one of the frequent fluctuations in the supply, the ejector seat has no manual option so I would be stuck until some one reset the breaker
> ...



See underlined!
Funnily enough we have been in communication over this. They are holding out for an Arts Council Grant on the grounds that your demise will give much aesthetic benefit to many people. 

The Arts Council, under advisement from a Trustee (aka Lord Byegad) hold that the resulting sale of scrap metal from the recycling of the SBGG will be more than enough, along with the sudden loss of that constant whining noise, to persuade the mini sbggs to do the job!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Jan 2016)

Been out on the moto trike today, I had all my heated clothing on  it what lovely.
The snow and ice just add to the fun

Driftinggggggggggggggg weeeeeeeeeeee.


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2016)

SBGG aka known in medical circles as 'the donor'.


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2016)

byegad said:


> SBGG aka known in medical circles as 'the donor'.


- as in kebab ?


----------



## byegad (30 Jan 2016)

Donor not Doner!


----------



## Scoosh (30 Jan 2016)

In the SBGG's case, there's a difference ? 

Who would want either ?


----------



## byegad (31 Jan 2016)

Well sticking him on a spike and slowly roasting him would be entertaining!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Feb 2016)

Roast mmmmmm  thththththhhhhhhhhaaaag I might be addicted to food?
I don't do mystery ded stuf, during the horse eating epidemic we had my department sent of samples from the local preventers of ded things on a spike for DNA they did not have horse in them but the results where a bit odd.
No horse
Posetve for sheeps
Positive for pigs
Positive for cows
Positive for hens
As not specifically tested for the rest was classified as mister animal!

Even odder this was all hellalllll


----------



## byegad (4 Feb 2016)

Nothing wrong with a Dobbin steak. Waste not want not!


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Feb 2016)

byegad said:


> Nothing wrong with a Dobbin steak. Waste not want not!


Having seen a pub pie become a ex-pie and him still having a 11 fingers I can honestly say amazing dose not come close.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2016)

Haggis for tea mmmmm.

I am about to set off in the van again probably the south of Spain to start with I will bring you back a stick of rock.


----------



## classic33 (15 Feb 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> Haggis for tea mmmmm.
> 
> I am about to set off in the van again probably the south of Spain to start with* I will bring you back a stick of rock.*


Gibraltar?


----------



## Speicher (15 Feb 2016)

markg0vbr said:


> Haggis for tea mmmmm.
> 
> I am about to set off in the van again probably the south of Spain to start with I will bring you back a stick of rock.



Is there room for me in your van? I do not take up much room, and can travel light.


----------



## byegad (17 Feb 2016)

OK everyone here's our chance. While he's in Spain we vote to leave the EU and close the borders. 

While leaving the EU may damage our finances the cultural benefits from losing the SBGG is well worth the money, and that from a Yorkshireman!


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Feb 2016)

the only extra room I have is a hammock in the van and space for three under it on sleep mats.

Are we in the Eu? When did that happen? free independent Yorkshire votes for ferrets up the revolution!


----------



## byegad (22 Feb 2016)

Notice to the frozen North.

The People's Republic of Yorkshire regrets to announce that the Embassy to the Frozen North will be closed for 24 hrs with effect from now. This is to allow the embassy to move from its old address to the new improved, and much more secure embassy. Services will be available from tomorrow evening to all Tykes at double the normal charge and to none-Tykes at 10 times the normal charge. The Ambassador will be undertaking his usual duties during this time. 

Maps showing the location of the new Embassy are available on receipt of an SAE and a £20 note.


----------



## Scoosh (22 Feb 2016)

OK, so we have 24 hours (minus 4 minutes) to say and do whatever we like. Sounds good to me.


----------



## byegad (22 Feb 2016)

Well you have 4 months, after that the silly beggars in the UK will have voted to leave the EU and then Scotland will leave the UK! After that we are in a whole new game!


----------



## Scoosh (22 Feb 2016)

Absolutely - the 'silly beggars' will have voted to leave, the 'intelligensia'** will have voted to stay. 

Will there be more 'silly beggars' or 'intelligensia' in the country come June ? With the SBGG away for a while in his Summer Holiday van, that's at least one less 'silly beggar' in the country. How many more can you drive out by then ?




**merely a term in some form of opposition to the 'silly beggars', not necessarily an accurate definition


----------



## byegad (25 Feb 2016)

I think you are very unfair the the silly beggars of the UK to include the SBGG in their ranks! 

He deserves a whole new category somewhere well to the sillier side of silly beggar.


----------



## Scoosh (25 Feb 2016)

Is he away** yet ?  Is it safe to venture south of Hadrian's edifice yet ?  Is the new Embassy being occupied by its rightful owners now ? Has the interwebnet caught up to it yet ?


byegad said:


> I think you are very unfair the the silly beggars of the UK to include the SBGG in their ranks!
> 
> He deserves a whole new category somewhere well to the sillier side of silly beggar.


The 'silly'  and 'sillier'  parts I can fully understand but how much actual begging does he have to do ? I had been led to believe he was all-provided-for by our wonderful 'state' who hand out hand-outs to anyone evaluated daft enough to ask for them. In his case, the evidence of strange metal objects protruding from his roof, with wires running into the house and a room where he sits apparently 'listening to the world'  gave him instant qualification.




**as is "departed these shores"; "with the fairies" has never been in doubt for some long time ...


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Feb 2016)

Scoosh said:


> The 'silly'  and 'sillier'  parts I can fully understand but how much actual begging does he have to do ? I had been led to believe he was all-provided-for by our wonderful 'state' who hand out hand-outs to anyone evaluated daft enough to ask for them. In his case, the evidence of strange metal objects protruding from his roof, with wires running into the house and a room where he sits apparently 'listening to the world'  gave him instant qualification.
> ..



I have been linking up with the low orbit satellites and putting bits of wire over trees.
I do get some odd looks as I am shooting over trees with my bow and arrow every one must think I am a appallingly bad shot "look over there Gertrude, that stunningly handsome English sun bronzed demigod keeps missing the tree"


----------



## byegad (17 Mar 2016)

A good stout wire, a tree and we are half way to solving the SBGG problem. all we need then is an angry mob complete with hay forks and the will to act...


----------



## byegad (17 Mar 2016)

Meanwhile the new Embassy is up and running with the exception of telephone and WiFi access. The fools at British Smelli-CON are having difficulty communicating with each other and the human race. I suspect we may be online and complete with a telephone some time shortly after Hell freezes over and the last trump is called!

My advice to anyone out there is avoid these morons like the plague. 6 hrs of phone calls plus one hour of online chat has resulted in begger all being achieved except the Byegad title is several years closer to changing to the next generation!


----------



## Speicher (17 Mar 2016)

I am of the hopinion that British Smelly Con hemployees are restricted to pressing certain buttons on their puter. They are not allowed to show inishitative by the pressing button outside of their remit. This is the only reason that I can fink off that you needed to speak to umpty three hemployees in order to solve any query.


----------



## Scoosh (17 Mar 2016)

Maybe because the New Embassy is so far off the beaten track, it takes the hemployees so long to find it that they are unable to find a signal.  They are clearly in such awe at the grandeur of the New Embassy, that all they can say is "Aw ... !" 

Equally it just might be because the New Embassy "is up and running ..." they are having difficulty keeping up with it, as well as with the tekknollollology with which it is associated, which is surely of the very latest ...


----------



## byegad (2 Apr 2016)

Now into my 8th hour of alternately being ignored and lied to by the useless twunts employed by British SMELLIEcon.

I emailed 'Gavin' the CEO who got a senior minion to call me. they are buying me a dongle and will call back on the 7th of April... NOT TO CONNECT MY S*ITFINITY BROADBAND, merely to update me on the fiasco that has become my eworld. 

MY ADVICE TO ANYONE MOVING HOME IS AVOID BT LIKE THE PLAGUE.


----------



## classic33 (2 Apr 2016)

byegad said:


> Now into my 8th hour of alternately being ignored and lied to by the useless twunts employed by British SMELLIEcon.
> 
> I emailed 'Gavin' the CEO who got a senior minion to call me. they are buying me a dongle and will call back on the 7th of April... NOT TO CONNECT MY S*ITFINITY BROADBAND, merely to update me on the fiasco that has become my eworld.
> 
> MY ADVICE TO ANYONE MOVING HOME IS AVOID BT LIKE THE PLAGUE.


Forget Gavin, you want Ian. He's three years older as well!


----------



## byegad (6 Apr 2016)

Still no progress from the complete clowns at BT. On my third top up of 4G connection through the mobile phone. 

I'll be ordering the Yorkshire ultimate deterrent loaded and aimed at BTHQ.

For once I want the SBGG, we'll parachute him onto the roof of the Post Office Tower and he can annoy the useless twunts there for a few decades. Revenge is sweet.


----------



## classic33 (7 Apr 2016)

byegad said:


> Still no progress from the complete clowns at BT. On my third top up of 4G connection through the mobile phone.
> 
> I'll be ordering the Yorkshire ultimate deterrent loaded and aimed at BTHQ.
> 
> For once I want the SBGG, we'll parachute him onto the roof of the Post Office Tower and he can annoy the useless twunts there for a few decades. Revenge is sweet.


No luck then?


----------



## byegad (7 Apr 2016)

No. They are ringing me today 'Without Fail!'

We'll see, but Talk Talk connected my neighbour yesterday. IF I get to speak to someone I'll mention that, at some length.


----------



## byegad (12 Apr 2016)

53 pigging days!

That's how long I waited before British Smelly Con Artists to connect me to the interweb!



That's better!


----------



## byegad (14 Apr 2016)

Well the nice lady from the Office of 'our Gav' called to check we are up and running and then gave me some money as a Good Will Gesture!

While it was enough to keep on BT for a year it wasn't enough to make me very happy, nor stay beyond April 2017!


----------



## byegad (21 Apr 2016)

Meanwhile I'm glad to announce the formal re-opening of the Yorkshire Embassy to the frozen North. All are welcome if they know which road signs to follow and which to ignore, one of the latter takes the unwary over a fair sized cliff for instance. The minefields are working well and Igor has a plentiful thupply of thpare parths. The Embassy motto* has been painted on the study wall and anyone who needs help will get it. So long as it cost nowt!

To put the top hat on my day I got my Kettwiesel 'Tirpitz'** back today following new wheels being fitted after one hub flange fell apart***.

**Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if ever thy does owt fer nowt
Always do it fer th'sen.* 

** So called because it's big Grey and German.

*** I don't know you buy something, hammer the hell out of it for 8 years and it needs repairing! Jerry building at its best. 

Finally anyone passing the embassy and wanting a coffee please drop in.










To the cafe in the village I understand they do excellent cake too!


----------



## Scoosh (21 Apr 2016)

Does one have a suitable pad for landing one's helichoppter ? Otherwise, how can we normal, decent folk get to the Embassy without having to see or even [shudder ] be seen by the common peoples ?


----------



## classic33 (21 Apr 2016)

Scoosh said:


> Does one have a suitable pad for landing one's helichoppter ? Otherwise, how can we normal, decent folk get to the Embassy without having to see or even [shudder ] be seen by the common peoples ?



View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVmjKHkgxis


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2016)

Well the last helicopterist who 'dropped in' died horribly when Igor, that's not Igor the Butler, or indeed, Igor the cook, nor Igor the groundsman, 'tested' his new Anti Tory guided hitile. He has socialist genes, at least from parts of his body, and implicitly believes that if you can afford an helicopter then you must be a class enemy.

Said hitile did indeed hit and the plutocrat in the helicopter is in several of Igor's (I''ll not go through which Igor!) freezers in case he need a hand, or foot or a third opposable thumb* on his right hand. 

Igor tells me he looks forward to the next helicopter attempting to land. However so far no pilot has attempted to land on the big E he has painted on the rear courtyard. I haven't the heart** to tell him that Helicopter starts with an H! 

*Igor felt that as one opposable thumb made us different from the animals so two on each hand would be twice as good! Apart from coming in useful when the pickles jar needs opening I can see no benefit. 

** Igor has several of these in the above mentioned freezers.


----------



## byegad (15 May 2016)

Still no word from the SBGG! May we hope he's fallen foul of some for'n potatoen8 and been incarcerated*?


*Igor** says it'th a pity they didn't think of that before he had offthpring!


** No I'm not saying which Igor. Work it out for yourthelf, sorry self!


----------



## Speicher (15 May 2016)

That is a very pithy remark!


----------



## byegad (17 May 2016)

Yeth! It's pithy too.


----------



## byegad (24 May 2016)

We held an embassy reception over the weekend. The Igorinas looked 'interesting' in their frilly maids outfits and not a Ferrero Rocher was in sight. Late at night the usual bun fight started in the great hall and one of the Igor's one with one example that has three cheeks! Meanwhile some of guests managed to sleep* in more than one bed and after midnight the upstairs landings had more traffic than the M25 on a fine Bank Holiday Weekend.

The Earl of Rawmarsh entertained us all with tales of the SBGG's pathetic life and did his best to scotch the rumours that the SBGG is in fact one of his blowbacks. However so hard did he try that his coachman had to rescue him from a third floor window when the rest of the guests decided to show their 'appreciation' of his contribution in infesting the civilised world and parts of Lancashire with the SBGG. 

I hope you all got your invitations posted yesterday, too late for you to come, and Royal Fail didn't charge you too much as it seems Smithers the under-butler** 'forgot' to place stamps on the envelopes. 

* 'Sleep' in this context implies using the various beds in more than one bedroom for a variety of purposes, not necessarily involving resting.

** Another tale of using beds for a variety of activities, but what he and the butler get up to in their free time*** is their business.

*** Contrary to popular belief among readers we are equal opportunity employers and give every member of staff the chance of a day off every week. If they win the (fixed) lottery. Coincidently Lady Byegad's shapely new maid has won the last 16 draws, and her without a pair to her name.


----------



## byegad (20 Jun 2016)

Just a reminder to vote out as the SBGG is still abroad. 

Naturally should he return to the UK before close of polls on the 23rd we're voting stay so we can send him back to for'n parts.

Either way vote early, vote often.


----------



## byegad (23 Jun 2016)

Still no sign of the SBGG.

I'm going back wearing a false beard to vote again!


----------



## byegad (23 Jun 2016)

So is Lady Byegad!


----------



## Speicher (23 Jun 2016)

I asked one of my puddycats for their opinion on Brexit. He decided on "out". 

Then a hour later he decided he would prefer "in". After a long sleep, he changed his mind again in favour of "out".


----------



## byegad (23 Jun 2016)

Yes but now he's decided out he'll vote then not leave!


----------



## Speicher (23 Jun 2016)

I expect one party may win by a whisker.


----------



## byegad (23 Jun 2016)

I suggest we take a paws.


----------



## byegad (24 Jun 2016)

Well I don't know about our readers but I'm surprised to find that we aren't at war, my bum hasn't fallen off and the world hasn't ended.

Maybe our politicians were telling us fibs???

Who'd have thought?


----------



## byegad (6 Jul 2016)

Meanwhile we have relatives planning a late summer holiday. Can anyone rport on the location of the SBGG? They'd hate to accidentally occupy the same country* as him.

* The same planet is bad enough IMHO!


----------



## Scoosh (8 Jul 2016)

The SBBG is everywhere - you just need to see him ....


----------



## byegad (13 Jul 2016)

Lord Byegad and the entire Yorkshire Embassy to the Frozen North is in mourning. His beloved ICE QNT has been sold. 
Flags will be flown at half mast from now until Yorkshire Day, no work will be undertaken and voices will be hushed. 
Good luck to Alison who bought it and I hope she has half as much fun on it as I have.


----------



## Scoosh (13 Jul 2016)

... but with what is His Lordship replacing the ICE ?

has austerity arrived at the Embassy gates ??? 
what plans does His Lordship have to dispel this erroneous concept from the minds of his vassals ?
if there is no ICE, how does His Lordship intend to keep his beverages chilled ?


----------



## Speicher (14 Jul 2016)

Has his Lordship taken ownership of one of those that new-fangled infernal combustion engines or horse-less carriage, in the vernacular?


----------



## byegad (14 Jul 2016)

Tirpitz and the Trail remain in the stables. There are currently no plans to replace the QNT. For official functions one of the family limousines will be called into service.


----------



## byegad (1 Aug 2016)

I wish you all a Happy Yorkshire Day. We are celebrating in the time honoured way by spending nothing and inviting all our friends and neighbours to a free drinks and eats party at the Lancashire Embassy down't road.


----------



## classic33 (3 Aug 2016)

byegad said:


> I wish you all a Happy Yorkshire Day. We are celebrating in the time honoured way by spending nothing and inviting all our friends and neighbours to a free drinks and eats party at the Lancashire Embassy *down't road.*


dahn't road, not down't road!


----------



## byegad (3 Aug 2016)

Spelingg woz nva miy stronge pointt.


----------



## classic33 (5 Aug 2016)

byegad said:


> Spelingg woz nva miy stronge pointt.


Has tha not bin dahn pit?


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2016)

No because I could read and write I was edifikated!


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2017)

I know I have been away a long time but I will give you a update.

A van replaced my car at the beginning of 2015 and was converted for me.
The trike goes under the bed and the hand bike that fits on the front of met wheelchair stands by the back door.
With this contraption I set out across Europe wandered about a bit parked up for a month on the beach in Italy.

Got carted of to hospital several times when I went wabbely and slow motion fitted, repeated attempts to dismount ambulance, stretcher and decant to my own wheelchair fails, lots and lots of fun was had.

Got robed in Italy leaving me with a van, trikes, wheelchair the clothes I was wearing and a old Samsung phone.
Had weeks of fun replacing documents camping in my van around the corner from the British embassy Rome rush hour is just every one holding there had on the car horn and driving about or randomly stoping.

Managed to brake increase the number of laws I have broken in one day doing a speed run down from slavinia into Italy i was doing 50+mph when I did the crossing
Most of my video footag was lost when all my equipment and computer got "donated" to the Italians

Eventually back after my world wandering I have been horizontal for several months in my new " the worlds slowist ejector seat " trying out lots of new and interesting drugs and side affects
I dint mind the interstellar mind trips and talking to the cosmic fish but dribbling into you beard can become habit forming.

Recently the motortrike "worlds fastest mobility scooter" has been pressed back in to service and am still looking for that ex shot putting, pole dancer nurse to out rig on the back.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2017)

Home from home, I can be horizontal and reach most things.
The pasanger seat rotates 360 and reclines.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jan 2017)

View: https://youtu.be/go7SHOZSxWA


When I was in the Germans bit, I did a lot of sitting about in leather shorts and refusing to be fed bits of dead pig by old lady's.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2017)

Physio is useless, I have had every form of physio know to man all pointless.

if you are a accomplished cyclist able to push your self through pain to your happy place you need to be very carful or the physio will have you doing your self long term harm.

You need a sports physio if you are in shap not the local nhs need a catle prod to get the fat idle gits moving sort.
Even now the local twit can't understan some one that can hardly walk and move with a lot of pain can keep fit.

The secret as my dentist will tell you a gum Sheald as I am grinding my teeth that hard every time I move I have been cracking and braking my teeth. I told the kids to get me a dogs rubber bone to bite on but they refused
And have been looking through my pockets before we go in and make me use the boring dental one.

Above all remember it's only pain if you get some one to hit your foot your back won't hurt as much, strange but true.
Makes me wonder about the type of person that would conduct experiments like that?

HO and don't laugh at them when they start giving you the motivational blather crap they spout some of them get very snotty when I start doing the Bert and Erne glove puppit thing.


----------



## Speicher (4 Jan 2017)

I have, a longly time ago, done putting of the shot. I think I put it about five yards from where I was standing. Do you want a person who can dance elefantly or someone more balletic? 

If I was to be the outrigger, would you provide suitable pies and/or cakes and/or ales at the refreshment stops?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Jan 2017)

Olympic standard shot putter I am afraid as on the return to my cave they have to throw me over there shoulder and run up to the room of appliances for the twisting, stretching, evacuating and sock removal.
Only lard sandwidge and mature tea are served in flight for refreshment I have a extensive collection of supermarket
Buck's Fizz.


----------



## byegad (4 Jan 2017)

Just when I thought it was safe to go out he's back!

I'm glad he was robed in Italy as going unclothed is frowned on by their local god bothering clan. But I'm very sorry he seems to have mislaid his documentals and beer tokens.

We can but hope that, now he's back in Rawmarsh, Europe will forgive us and give us a great Brexit deal. 
I suspect clause (1) part (a) sub clause (i) will have something about not letting him across the channel ever again. 
Meanwhile the Yorkshire gibberment offers its sincerest ajolopies for his adventure and the local Ambassador will be round to the appropriate Heads of State to offer relatively free mental health support for all that came into contact with him.

Must put the Embassy back on Defcon 1 and stop feeding the dogs, lions and crocodiles in the hope that should he visit the Frozen North he meets something that disagrees with someone it has eaten.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2017)

Today is the changing of the tea bag ceremony.
It is all couloir full and pomp circumstance n ansetral n all that efnick thingy.

tea bags are inspected paraded up and down the road before buxom wenches dance the traditional quick hold my hair back I think I am going to hurl dance.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2017)

The Eu is interesting Italy they are so concerned with hydration they have stand pipes all over the plays and young lady's sat around at the side of the road with umbrellas and bottles of water it must be a poor paying job as most of them don't not have a lot of clothing.

I stopped and chatted to a lot as I was cycling about one said she wanted to be a nurse in england and wanted a lift in the back of the van but I was picking up a mini me in Rome for the return trip she had fun explaining the big bag of drugs she was brining me  

The mini me flatly refused to give the young would be nurs a lift and said you can get in to bother brining people in to the Gb in the back of a van every one els was ding it. 

I have rediscovered the nostril and the joy of not coughing for hours at a time. The nostril is a handy thing you can put smal coins in it blow rolled up bits of tissues across the room at your mini me's they are fantastic


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2017)

I think it was a mistake to fly mini me out busses class she has seen behind the curtain and wants posh things like socks, not having to peddle on take off, identifiable food.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2017)

It clips on to the front of my wheelchair and is a lot better than pushing but still not sporty


----------



## byegad (5 Jan 2017)

Glad you're still getting out and about Mark. Please tell me there's no chance of you getting to Longridge this year. Please, pretty please!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I know I have been away a long time ....





> ...but I will give you a update.


 


markg0vbr said:


> Eventually back after my world wandering ...


 


> ... I have been horizontal for several months





byegad said:


> Glad you're still getting out and about Mark.


Indeed -

... though it's disturbing for the locals ... 

Welcome Back  ...... when are you next off ?


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Jan 2017)

Longridge In the far north, I think I fancy headin south to Devon sout coast new forest etc 
I may have a go at hippy baiting "throwing chicken nuggets at them and shouting go on have a bit it's not really meat" probably head home for the school holiday madness.
I will be of in the hills nr Bakewell, Matlock for a couple of days at a time, depends on how good my body is performing.
I just don't know 

Now the body fat is back down, I have to be a lot more on the ball with pills depending on what I am doing, how active I am, food intake, stress factors. At best I flop about and look, sound drunk about twice a day if I can sit quiet for a bit most times no one will notice. Unless I start the slow motion twitching that is hilarious.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jan 2017)

I had a expedition to the upper floor of the house sharp pointy sticks and prophaine language did the trick.
It's like being on holiday! I have established my lad has not sold the carpet.

My right arm is trying to defect the lancing pain is quite entertaining, hitting it with my walking stick gives some relief but I start looking like some henchman out of a comedy horror film when it goes into a spasm.

The ex shot putting pole dancer would come in handy fitting the electrodes and pealing me sprouts to nibble on.


----------



## byegad (6 Jan 2017)

If sharp pointy things could bring you relief I'm sure we can spare the odd Pike, Sword Lance and Morning Star from Byegad Towers' Armoury.

I've sent Igor to fetch a few samples. Meanwhile I now have a large queue wanting to 'help' you with extreme prejudice! I suspect some* of them are wanting to get revenge for visitations on their ancestors' by the SBGG.

* OK, All of them. The difficulty is that several members of the Byegad Family have demanded first dibs with him. I suspect my nephew, the (Dis)Honourable Percy FitzWilliam and his 'chum' William FitzPercy have already booked passage for Rawmarsh for themselves and the ancestral Centurion Mk V tank. They never do anyone by halves!


----------



## markg0vbr (7 Jan 2017)

Two weeks of feeble sick poorly anthrax cough cough and the mucus production is down, I may go out side tomorrow.
In the footprints of Scot and Hillary boldly pushing the envelope only I will be doing it without native* or artifice aids**
The end of the front path may be reached.

The CIA do not spy on friendly nations, MI6 like wise so why would a department of the free independent republic of Yorkshire have a suvalance asset monitoring radio and electronic communications at my house?

*local people who have already been on a almost weekly basis to the place the white man are boldly going for the first time
**lotst of natives to carry the explora and the 37 tons of essential equipment dining room table, gramophone, reclining chair and bath. To the source of what the tribes men got to in a primitive nappy carrying a stick.


----------



## byegad (7 Jan 2017)

Be afraid, be very afraid. Today Rawmarsh! Tomorrow the World! 





Is at risk.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Jan 2017)

I went out !

I have broken the axle on my 1150cc trike again "thas not sposter corner on two wheels then wheele it at 60mph it wilni stand it, bla bla mmumble mmumble" flipping spanner munkeys no idea how to keep the customer happy.

Anyway they complain when they have nothing to do!

So next week I should be back out and about hopefully I will be taking a camera man on the back.


----------



## classic33 (15 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> Be afraid, be very afraid. Today Rawmarsh! Tomorrow the World!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


West Yorkshire stands in his way!


----------



## classic33 (15 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Two weeks of feeble sick poorly anthrax cough cough and the mucus production is down, I may go out side tomorrow.
> In the footprints of Scot and Hillary boldly pushing the envelope only I will be doing it without native* or artifice aids**
> The end of the front path may be reached.
> 
> ...


Explain the "Golf Balls" up north?


----------



## markg0vbr (16 Jan 2017)

I knew golf was a conspiracy, come on people walking about dropping balls in holes it's all a cover for a cult, them snake people worshippers.

I am having problems getting a camera man, I think if I spend some money on a clockwork upgrading for my cinematography wonder box so you don't have to crank a handle I might get a better response.

I did my gym visit today and am pleased to say hardly any whimpering happened but I did cry a bit when I got my finger a bit mangled in the wheel of my chair doing fast laps. I almost broke my PB but had to navigate around a fat chick three times adding extra yardage to the track.


----------



## markg0vbr (17 Jan 2017)

Up date on my axle, it was totally stuffed, five new bearings are on the way and some metal sticking together needs to be done. They say it is abuse but I say as a registered cripple I can only potter about and every one knows you can't go faster than 25mph on a trike or like a reliant robin it will fall over.

I have been tested at the doctors and he says I am normal! I have it in a letter sighed and every thing and he didn't use purple crayon so it's proper n that.

I will be going out tomorrow two miles across the new mini roundabout with out a support team but I will be in the van so if I need to stop for a nap I will be ok.


----------



## Scoosh (17 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I have been tested at the doctors and* he says I am normal!* I have it in a letter sighed and every thing and he didn't use purple crayon so it's proper n that.


For Rotherham, quite possibly .....


----------



## classic33 (18 Jan 2017)

Scoosh said:


> For* Rotherham*, quite possibly .....


Scotland is laying claim to it, be careful!


----------



## classic33 (18 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Up date on my axle, it was totally stuffed, five new bearings are on the way and some metal sticking together needs to be done. They say it is abuse but I say as a registered cripple I can only potter about and every one knows you can't go faster than 25mph on a trike or like a reliant robin it will fall over.
> 
> I have been tested at the doctors and he says I am normal! I have it in a letter sighed and every thing and he didn't use purple crayon so it's proper n that.
> 
> I will be going out tomorrow two miles across the new mini roundabout with out a support team but I will be in the van so if I need to stop for a nap I will be ok.


That might just be where you're going wrong. Going backwards.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I have been tested at the doctors and he says I am normal! I have it in a letter sighed and every thing and he didn't use purple crayon so it's proper n that.



Your Royal Highness, My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen and those of the lower classes.

Full and final proof that the NHS has suffered a fatal meltdown.

It's a sad day and one many of us will remember for the rest of our lives. The day the SBGG fatally broke the NHS. 

Now I know he didn't do it alone, but given his massive effect on the services of Rawmarsh and the knock on effect on the West Riding, Yorkshire and those other unimportant and slight regarded parts of this Sceptic Isle set in a dirty grey sea, he thoroughly deserves the blame. 

Surely now the toffs in Lunnon will reinstate the death penalty for him?

Oh! Hang on the Toffs in Lunnon want the NHS to fail so they can privatise it and their grubby friends can make a profit from our illnesses. Who'd have thought, the SBGG is a prawn of the conscious-less filthy rich who have Hi-jacked the UK economy.

Going to get my special hunting rifle. 

"Igor, find my white scarf and goggles, start the Challenger II and load for SBGG!"

Traffic notice to those using the Motorway system, a large vehicle will be making its way from the Frozen North to Rawmarsh. To anyone wishing to pull it over onto the hard shoulder on the way, be warned, you will be crushed. Those overtaking it may well suffer minor damage from the coaxial machine gun fire we routinely use to signify that you are getting in my way.


----------



## classic33 (18 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> Your Royal Highness, My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen and those of the lower classes.
> 
> Full and final proof that the NHS has suffered a fatal meltdown.
> 
> ...


Roadworks on the M1/M62 junction at present.


----------



## byegad (18 Jan 2017)

classic33 said:


> Roadworks on the M1/M62 junction at present.


There'll be need for a lot more after my trip. The track pads were taken off the Challenger for the hunting season and Igor hasn't got around to refitting them. The exposed grousers are meant to get grip on any soft surface. As we drive down a tarmac road the patter of road surface particles landing to our rear is a sure way of judging our speed.


----------



## classic33 (18 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> There'll be need for a lot more after my trip. The track pads were taken off the Challenger for the hunting season and Igor hasn't got around to refitting them. The exposed grousers are meant to get grip on any soft surface. As we drive down a tarmac road the patter of road surface particles landing to our rear is a sure way of judging our speed.


Have fun.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Jan 2017)

Good news my axle is fixed only 6 bearings 3 seals and 4days of hitting things with hammers swearing then 45 mins to strip and reassemble the axle.
It's all in the planing you know it's a long way to the whale eating capital of the world apparently they are the best at small balls though.
But why are they making bits for the reliant axle? Is might be yet another conspiracy!

So one again I am a fast moving, filtering through the trafic like a halibut triker. If you are startled by a huge backfire at the side of your window as I overtake you it has taken many attempts to get my timing perfect blipping the throttle so the bang is as loud as possible and just in the right spot is hard.

Still no takers for the camera man spot, you get a free cup of tea and a dripping sandwidge with lots of the brown gely wobbley bits.


----------



## Speicher (20 Jan 2017)

I would prefer a free cup of tea, and lots of dark chocolate suggestive biscuits, thank you.


----------



## classic33 (20 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Good news my axle is fixed only 6 bearings 3 seals and 4days of hitting things with hammers swearing then 45 mins to strip and reassemble the axle.
> It's all in the planing you know it's a long way to the whale eating capital of the world apparently they are the best at small balls though.*
> But why are they making bits for the reliant axle? Is might be yet another conspiracy!*
> 
> ...


More than one thing uses the same axle. Clue is in the type of licence once required for them.

Easy enough work out!!


Why no cup pullers? Would have made it easier with your bearings.


----------



## byegad (20 Jan 2017)

Are we talking about some kind of motorised vehicle, or the SBGG himself? I thought it was his axle that had troubles. 

Meanwhile the Challenger II is nearing Rawmarsh. We are currently on the garage forecourt as 1592 litres of diesel takes a while to pump. We found switching the engine off rather than leaving it on tick over improved things a bit!


----------



## classic33 (20 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> Are we talking about some kind of motorised vehicle, or the SBGG himself? I thought it was his axle that had troubles.


Would that make a difference to where the cup puller should be used?


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2017)

Speicher said:


> I would prefer a free cup of tea, and lots of dark chocolate suggestive biscuits, thank you.


Biscuits! Dark chocolate! Thems foreign namby pamby hoty toyti rubbishy frilly food you need something that is going to put hair on your chest or you will never be able to throw me over your shoulder and run up a flight of stairs.


----------



## markg0vbr (23 Jan 2017)

classic33 said:


> Would that make a difference to where the cup puller should be used?


Naaaaa no good the bearings on the gear wheels as well. A total strip down and rebuild. This has improved my pick up of speed for overtaking and exiting corners.


----------



## classic33 (23 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Naaaaa no good the bearings on the gear wheels as well. A total strip down and rebuild. This has improved my pick up of speed for overtaking and exiting corners.


How'd tha overtake a corner?


----------



## Speicher (23 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Biscuits! Dark chocolate! Thems foreign namby pamby hoty toyti rubbishy frilly food you need something that is going to put hair on your chest or you will never be able to throw me over your shoulder and run up a flight of stairs.



Up with this I will not put. There is no room for Knee go see station about dark chocolate suggestive biscuits.

I could however, throw you over my shoulder OR run up a flight of stairs, but not both at the same time together.


----------



## Scoosh (23 Jan 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> A total strip down and rebuild.


Did it do anything for your looks or are the local weans still




and



???


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2017)

Perhaps Speicher should throw him over her shoulder and stagger up a lot of stairs and then throw him off the top. I've always wondered how far a SBGG would bounce.


----------



## classic33 (24 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> Perhaps Speicher should throw him over her shoulder and stagger up a lot of stairs and then throw him off the top. I've always wondered how far a SBGG would bounce.


We have an innertube museum for comparison! 
If we can get it away from it's owner.


----------



## Scoosh (24 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> I've always wondered how far a SBGG would bounce.


Probably not nearly far enough ...


----------



## Speicher (24 Jan 2017)

No buddy is showing any concern for my welfare after I have carried him up seven steep flights of stairs.

It is the weight of the trike that made it so difficult. Turning those tight corners was tricky, not to mention Mrs Hinkingsop leaving her laundry basket in the middle of the hallway for me to trip over. 

Was I supposed to leave the trike at the bottom of the stairs. I thought it would add to the air o dynamics, and he could attach a parachute.


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2017)

ON NO ACCOUNT GIVE HIM A PARACHUTE!


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2017)

As to your state of health after ascending 7 flights of stairs with the SBGG on your back. While you have my sympathy, it is one of those sacrifices which some of us find* we are called upon to make for the greater good. You are in fact Speicher seen as dispensable in the search for greater human happiness. 



*Queue faint strains of Land of Hope and Glory


----------



## Speicher (24 Jan 2017)

"Seen as dispensable" ?


----------



## Scoosh (24 Jan 2017)

Speicher said:


> "Seen as dispensable" ?


Yeah, you know - as from a dispenser (an apparatus that dispenses things/stuff - like the [sour] milk of human kindness [bitterness]. 

You are indeed and action indispensable in this context.


----------



## classic33 (24 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> As to your state of health after ascending 7 flights of stairs with the SBGG on your back. While you have my sympathy, it is one of those sacrifices which some of us find* we are called upon to make for the greater good. You are in fact Speicher seen as dispensable in the search for greater human happiness.
> 
> 
> *
> *Queue faint strains of Land of Hope and Glory*


On Ilka Moor surely!


----------



## classic33 (24 Jan 2017)

byegad said:


> ON NO ACCOUNT GIVE HIM A PARACHUTE!


Never said it worked though!


----------



## byegad (24 Jan 2017)

classic33 said:


> Never said it worked though!


If it's purely to give the SBGG false hope and detracts from his chance of survival I'm all for it. Can I suggest the Byegad patent concrete parachute as sold by all good Stately Homes at the bargain price of 675 Guineas? Special discount from Byegad Towers £708.74! (Postage a lot extra!)


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Feb 2017)

Today's ride with the IAM was around the hills and dales 141. 8 miles the new axle and not riding with the hand brake on returned a 36.8 mpg .
A vegetarian brake fast was consumed in a large astablishment in glosop all the walls covered in trophies of verius harmless herbivores it right put me off my stride.


----------



## classic33 (4 Feb 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Today's ride with the IAM was around the hills and dales 141. 8 miles the new axle and not riding with the hand brake on returned a 36.8 mpg .
> A vegetarian brake fast was consumed in a large astablishment in glosop all the walls covered in trophies of verius harmless herbivores it right put me* off my stride*.


That'll be where tha's being wrong. Striding whilst trying to cycle, no wonder tha's problems!


----------



## byegad (5 Feb 2017)

Glad to hear you remembered to take off the handbrake! Perhaps the de-muddlierfyer pills are working? 

Have you been out pedalling the trike recently?


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2017)

Speicher said:


> "Seen as dispensable" ?


Aaaaaaaa there there 
Only a very select few can truly hold there he'd up high and proclaim I am dispencible!


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2017)

Having a close and abiding interest in all things political I would like to make a statement regarding the state of worry and anxiety regarding Europe.

Chancellor her hitler is nothing to worry about and he will never poke a stick at the might of the British empire, the only empire in history that the sun never sets.

Overtures by the colonial Americans regarding England becoming a state of the Union will never be of interest to us the populace would write nasty things about political leaders on face book and pay extra taxes in protest.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2017)

I am only semi dicrepid today and have decided I will type with my elbow to demonstrate I am better and worthy of a bowl of gruel.
The lad forgot to feed me yesterday so I am making a big effort to be nice today I think the pice of glass in my dinner last week was just a accident.

Today I will stand up electrical supply has been reestablished to the chair some one unplugged it on Monday it is one small step for a man but flipping painful.


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2017)

My pils have been are now cheeper I think some one in China chucks some sawdust in the mixer now and then.
The name has changed but they are the same thing I am told.
Last time they did this I spent a week holidaying in hospital as some thing in the "exactly the same" Pil caused me to fit non stop.
I haven't been on holiday for a bit and look forward to the glass free semi regular feedings I will receive.


----------



## byegad (15 Feb 2017)

Come to Bike Rite Mark. I'll grind all of the glass that goes into your food personally. Wouldn't want to you cut your lip! 

 Tries to look innocent!


----------



## markg0vbr (15 Feb 2017)

I am assured it was the result of a glass bottle of some beverage being put in the Freezea to rapidly chill but beng forgotten broke.

The ejector seat was unplugged for a phone to be charged I tried to sit up and nothing happened.

I can't go to the bike event as i would have to have one of my minions with me and they will not come.
It is a long way for me to travel as well it would have to be a overnight trip to get up to it, when going above Doncaster I do not like to drop below 5mph in the van as some one will have the wheels off.

It is not far to the land of the manfrock and they are revolting apparently something political it is out side Yorkshire and therefor of no consequence, but I don't want to further antagonise the natives by repeatedly going ha ha it is a nasty habit but as I don't smoke or drink I need something.

I am also thinking of the up coming better weather and will soon be going up into the hills and dales with the opv for a chaing of pace all this laying about can be done in a nicer environment with the possibility of actually seeing some one that is not an underling, laying about near a river, laying about in a nice car park, laying about at the top of a valley, you get the recurring theme.

Tins of supe, tins of haggis and egg sandwich with cabbage leaves may happen at time to time along with mugs of the tea as always I will be taking my local water with me so it tastes like it should.


----------



## byegad (16 Feb 2017)

If you come to Bike Rite I'll pass all the water you want myself.


----------



## markg0vbr (20 Feb 2017)

Having been infected with galloping cough a lover your neck in the shops itus 
I have just managed to go out for the fist time in weeks, it is vastly over rated!


----------



## classic33 (20 Feb 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Having been infected with galloping cough a lover your neck in the shops itus
> I have just managed to go out for the fist time in weeks, it is vastly over rated!


The cough or going out?


----------



## Speicher (20 Feb 2017)

Having a lover round your neck while visiting shops might prove hazardous. Please refrain from entering a china shop. As well as bulls not being welcome in china shops, neither are people carrying lovers, unless they are fully dressed.

The exception is if you live in the Arondiracks, in which case it is permitted on the first and third Wednesday of each month.


----------



## byegad (21 Feb 2017)

A lover for the SBGG????

Urgh!
The thought that he might procreate is not a happy one.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Feb 2017)

All over 
£!€$%#~ spell checker 

Yeeeee by heck himself the God of Yorkshire called in vain, shallt thought no engage thy common sense!

I have a cort of flunkys following me about when I meet the common people, one has to allow the small people to see one now and then. It is a burden of demigod hood you know.

I was flagged down by the proprietor of the mobility shop purveyor of all things mobility scooter like.
She had never see a hand bike or one that clips on to a wheelchair And was astonished that I prefer it to a mobility scooter I did point out mine runs on peanut butter and bananas and can exceed the 8mph of a scooter.

She did not know they should have a limit button on them to drop the speed to 4mph on pavement.
Also the ones she is selling to the people in the flats near town that all run down a short stretch of the dule carrige way should have a flashing hazard light.

Unfortunately like most British towns Rotherham is besieged by lazy people with nothing the mater with them whizzing about on mobility scooters some are massive and can do 20mph. Kids and old people have been run in to some of the culprits are people who go in to a notorious town center pub drinking all day. Jump on a scooter pissed and bounce off every thing on the way home. 

One of the tv company's did a program about it called the problem with mobility scooters.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Feb 2017)

byegad said:


> A lover for the SBGG????
> 
> Urgh!
> The thought that he might procreate is not a happy one.


I have three mini me's and the eldest is trying to make me a grand dad.


----------



## byegad (25 Feb 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I have three mini me's and the eldest is trying to make me a grand dad.


That's what you were told. I'm surprised you still believe it.


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Mar 2017)

Having finely fought off the galloping lurgy.

I am once again a picture of perfect sun bronzed Greek god like hairy man.
Rampant in my manly tactical clothing, festooned with tactical bush craft knife, perang, mass kit (in tactical black), fully informed of all the latest urban preper tec fresh from YouTube, I will be getting the minions to set up a tent in the back garden*and await the end of civilisation.

*i don't want to be out of wifi range, just because I am all tactical and bush crafting I don't have to live like a peasant !


----------



## classic33 (6 Mar 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Having finely fought off the galloping lurgy.
> 
> I am once again a picture of perfect sun bronzed Greek god like hairy man.
> Rampant in my manly tactical clothing, festooned with tactical bush craft knife, perang, mass kit (in tactical black), fully informed of all the latest urban preper tec fresh from YouTube, I will be getting the minions to set up a tent in the back garden*and await the end of civilisation.
> ...


How you gonna get past / survive the EMP weapon being developed by a.n. other poster?

Why the "mass kit", late convert or is that if all else fails.


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2017)

Nurse!!!

NURSE!!!!

He's escaped again!


----------



## classic33 (6 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> Nurse!!!
> 
> NURSE!!!!
> 
> He's escaped again!


And he claims to have a knife!


----------



## Speicher (6 Mar 2017)

I have been tolded that one of the mane simpsons of the Galloping lurgy is the Trots.

Canter Bury is the place for complete recovery. I hope you are now in fine Fetlock, and not saddled with any more simpsons.


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2017)

Speicher old chapess! You really mustn't believe that wot the SBGG posts. As to his claim to have a knife, we need to remember that the very idea of cutlery is for'n to denizens of Rawmarsh. It's probably a stick with a bit of an edge to it. Hopefully he'll have it taken away from him by those lovely chaps in white coats. That or he'll accidentally stab himself to death, that's the line I'll be using of the West Yorks Constafoolery turn up after he's dedded.


----------



## Speicher (6 Mar 2017)

Old? 

Old?


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2017)

Ish! Remember I'm all of 15 in my head!


----------



## Speicher (6 Mar 2017)

Hummph, no, I am still upsetified.


----------



## byegad (6 Mar 2017)

Don't take Ambridge, he said Archerly. Perhaps you should have a nice cup of tea and a toasted teacake while you sit in your bath chair?


----------



## classic33 (10 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> Speicher old chapess! You really mustn't believe that wot the SBGG posts. As to his claim to have a knife, we need to remember that the very idea of cutlery is for'n to denizens of* Rawmarsh. *It's probably a stick with a bit of an edge to it. Hopefully he'll have it taken away from him by those lovely chaps in white coats. That or he'll accidentally stab himself to death, that's the line I'll be using of the* West Yorks Constafoolery *turn up after he's dedded.


Why would they be involved? Last I heard it was still South Yorkshire. Or has a price now been placed on't'ead, for use of a three letter word?

"Here lieth the body of Byegad, 
killed by a hitman with a pointy stick.
Eee, he never did grew old."


----------



## Scoosh (10 Mar 2017)

classic33 said:


> "Here lieth the body of Byegad,
> killed by a hitman with a pointy stick.
> Eee, he never did grew old."


"Byegad's down 'ere,
Done in by a sharpy bit wood,
Eee, 'e never growd proper old"**



**note the subtle language distinction between "proper old" and just "or'nery old"


----------



## byegad (10 Mar 2017)

Good news/Bad news!
First the Good news. Lord Byegad is fit and well.
Now the Bad {Read really terrible} news. The SBGG still lives!


----------



## byegad (10 Mar 2017)

As Lord Byegad was heard to say when encountering a bad delay at road works...
'Is this a digger I see before me?'


----------



## byegad (10 Mar 2017)

classic33 said:


> Why would they be involved? Last I heard it was still South Yorkshire. Or has a price now been placed on't'ead, for use of a three letter word?
> 
> "Here lieth the body of Byegad,
> killed by a hitman with a pointy stick.
> Eee, he never did grew old."



South Yorkshire?

There are three Ridings of Yorkshire and South isn't one of them! No true Tyke would admit to being a Southerner. South Yorkshire is a derogatory name for that pit of human iniquity that starts when you cross that monument to human futility the Humber Bridge!


----------



## Scoosh (10 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> . South Yorkshire is a derogatory name for that pit of human iniquity that starts when you cross that monument to human futility the Humber Bridge!


Ah - is that the bit what others call 'Engerland' ?


----------



## classic33 (10 Mar 2017)

Scoosh said:


> Ah - is that the bit what others call 'Engerland' ?


Oddly enough it includes the third ryding as welll.


----------



## classic33 (10 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> As Lord Byegad was heard to say when encountering a bad delay at road works...
> 'Is this a digger I see before me?'


Watch out for "Cats"!!


----------



## markg0vbr (19 Mar 2017)

I have been tactical in north Norfolk, tactical not standing up in my van.
Watching my tactical* laptop, frying mackerel and sweat potato sandwidge.
Then watching the sun come up and the Sunday morning dog walkers apeer.
The night was a bit blustery and raining off and on but I was allllll comfy in my tactical p j s

*its got a camouflage sticker on it


----------



## classic33 (20 Mar 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I have been tactical in north Norfolk, tactical not standing up in my van.
> Watching my tactical* laptop, frying mackerel and *sweat potato *sandwidge.
> Then watching the sun come up and the Sunday morning dog walkers apeer.
> The night was a bit blustery and raining off and on but I was allllll comfy in my tactical p j s
> ...


What's a sweat potato taste like?


----------



## byegad (21 Mar 2017)

Like a potato that's just finished a marathon race!


----------



## Speicher (21 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> Like a potato that's just finished a marathon race!



That clarifries things.


----------



## classic33 (21 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> Like a potato that's just finished a marathon race!


You had many of them then?


----------



## byegad (22 Mar 2017)

No but I can read and a sweaty potato is a like a sweaty anything! Sweaty.


----------



## classic33 (22 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> No but I can read and a sweaty potato is a like a sweaty anything! Sweaty.


No sweat then.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2017)

You rap a potato in tinfoil bake it then put it in the fridge.


----------



## markg0vbr (22 Mar 2017)

They tast like carrot


----------



## classic33 (22 Mar 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> They tast like carrot


Raw or cooked?


----------



## Scoosh (22 Mar 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> You rap a potato in tinfoil bake it then put it in the fridge.


In the microwave, surely .... ?  It needs to be hot, not chilled ...


----------



## classic33 (23 Mar 2017)

Scoosh said:


> In the microwave, surely .... ?  It needs to be hot, not chilled ...


Can he be trusted with one?


----------



## byegad (23 Mar 2017)

Who is Carrot and why is the SBGG tasting him?


----------



## Scoosh (23 Mar 2017)

byegad said:


> Who is Carrot and why is the SBGG tasting him?


Not Jasper, surely ... ???


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Apr 2017)

It is a reference to all root vegetables and tubers, obviously

Not that I ever go off on a tangent but the red pills have been obtained by the NHS from sweeping up detritus in a Mexican pill factory, the new and improved side effects or fabulous.

The new method of tato quick preparation involves a massive oil fired blow lamp (what could possibly go wrong) a small cork screw compressed air a metal tube with razor blades fixed in a spiral along the inside a larg catapult and a mallet with a nail sticking out of it.

A instructional video will be on my youboob page.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Apr 2017)

Wow random pain is never boring at the moment it is like some one is hitting my toe and foot with a hammer.

A hobby is what I need according the the leach wrangler, keep my mind of the random crushing pain

I think I will start a new hobby of follow the doctor about shouting "keep back this doctor can't see where she is going as her head is so far up her ......&£@ "/#%€\?}*^€ " 

It is like talking to a house brick, I don't want buckets full of pills, need them to stop swapping the f*+%€\<{?!!' Drug suppliers. 

On a lighter note I am now pointing at a clock and now a wobbly thing on a stick and Spring that when set in motion describe the fundamental difference between a all you can eat salad bar and a corned beef sandwich.
Perhaps with a pickle or three.


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Apr 2017)

Up is a very nice direction.

I am finding purpose for a bent stick a old sock, two and a half cloves of garlic and a tape recording of Jim reaves.

I am now pointing at a old news paper dooooood


----------



## Speicher (3 Apr 2017)

I hear the sound of distant drums. 

He'll have to go.


----------



## Scoosh (3 Apr 2017)

Speicher said:


> I hear the sound of distant drums.
> Far away, far away.
> He'll have to go.
> Far away, far away.


Across the bridge ... Where we'll never grow old ... In the misty moonlight ... Moon river ... Rosa Rio ?

We thank thee.


----------



## Speicher (3 Apr 2017)

Where do I go from here?


----------



## byegad (3 Apr 2017)

And the farther the better!


----------



## Speicher (3 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> And the farther the better!



On which Jim Reeves' ablum is that?


----------



## byegad (3 Apr 2017)

I was referring to the SBGG. Meanwhile it's good to know where he is, as it means he's not here!


----------



## classic33 (3 Apr 2017)

Speicher said:


> I hear the sound of distant drums.
> *
> He'll have to go.*


Just tell the man there with you


----------



## classic33 (3 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> I was referring to the SBGG. Meanwhile it's good to know where he is, as it means he's not here!


Maybe a figment of imagination.


----------



## classic33 (3 Apr 2017)

Speicher said:


> Where do I go from here?


What fate is drawing near?


----------



## markg0vbr (4 Apr 2017)

I one drew The 101 Dalmatians on my lads bedroom wall, I did loose count so it might have been about 34.

A day or two pottering about in the Peak District national park may make a nice little holiday.


----------



## classic33 (5 Apr 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I one drew The 101 Dalmatians on my lads bedroom wall, I did loose count so it might have been about 34.
> 
> A day or two pottering about in the Peak District national park may make a nice little holiday.


Climb every mountain or Over Hill, Over Dale?


----------



## Scoosh (5 Apr 2017)

Over 'ale, I suspect ?


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Apr 2017)

Now I don't drink mucky alcohol, a rousing chorus of clime every mountain, at 4:30 followed by a not stand up to recover, is my only vice.

Some tinned haggis from last years hunt, fresh eggs and BCBs* my well aged iron frying pan pressed into service once moor unto the camp fire fry up, once moor.
Never in the feeld of sheep and cow droppings has so much been semi carbonised by a sbgg.
Any thing can be eaten with enough brown sauce.

* burnt crunchy bits


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Apr 2017)

I do have a fire extinguisher with me.
Elf safety is my number one priority, I give him a hard hat luminescent vest steel toe cap sandals and a red flag. Splash a bit of biodiesel about, Then strike a match close my eyes and hope, it never fails.
Every one should have one, mine is invisible and he follows me every where I go.


----------



## byegad (5 Apr 2017)

NURSE! NURSE!

He's escaped again and the tablets have stopped working!


----------



## Scoosh (5 Apr 2017)

Relax - the 'fire extinguisher' has been specially treated  for the SBGG ....


----------



## classic33 (5 Apr 2017)

"Th


byegad said:


> NURSE! NURSE!
> 
> He's escaped again and the tablets have stopped working!


He's on Ilka Moor and closing!

Wonder if he'll see "The Twelve"


----------



## markg0vbr (5 Apr 2017)

No I will be lurking without tent, having a not stand up int' van, in the vicinity of lower bradfeeld.
With un interrupted views of the section of Tour de France route, so I can chear on all the riders that now follow this.


----------



## markg0vbr (9 Apr 2017)

The eldest mini me's are renovating the house around the corner and shall move in over the next two weeks.
Brining my available minion count to 4 in the evening and week ends.
It is a small beginning but with dedication would domination is only a matter of time.

I had a ice lolly all to my self today, the dog hadn't licked it and the ants are a good source of protein.

Lacking in moral fortitude they are, flouncing about in mini shorts all stretch tight micro tops, bouncing about, "jiggling" need a good talking to they do. 
the language! Discusting!! I blame Margaret thatcher, doing away with free milk at school started the rot.


----------



## byegad (9 Apr 2017)

I see the tablets haven't worked this time!


----------



## classic33 (9 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> I see the tablets haven't worked this time!


I'm wondering what was in the "iced lolly"!


----------



## byegad (10 Apr 2017)

Well we've tried Warfarin, Cyanide, Certain fungi, Strychnine and....

Ooops! Shouldn't have said that!

 {Whistles and walks away slowly!}


----------



## markg0vbr (21 Apr 2017)

Wobbly brain is entertaining but I am thinking of giving it up.
As a hobby it is lacking.


----------



## Scoosh (21 Apr 2017)

Shirly if your brain is wobbly, it's because it has shrunk inside the bone or the bone of your head has expanded. So:

are you getting too big-headed ?

has your brain shrunk ?
We do not need to be told.


----------



## byegad (21 Apr 2017)

I thought he kept his brain in a small jam jar on the mantlepiece. Or was that a pickled walnut????





On second thoughts it was too small for a pickled walnut!


----------



## classic33 (21 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> I thought he kept his brain in a small jam jar on the mantlepiece. Or was that a pickled walnut????
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The jam jar?


----------



## byegad (22 Apr 2017)

Silly classic, the brain was too small to be a pickled walnut. The small jam jar would hold several specimens of the SBGG brain* easily.

*This term is provisional until I find a better descriptor for a single cell organ allegedly usable as a thinking apparatus.


----------



## classic33 (22 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> Silly classic, the brain was too small to be a pickled walnut. The small jam jar would hold several specimens of the SBGG brain* easily.
> 
> *This term is provisional until I find a better descriptor for a single cell organ allegedly usable as a thinking apparatus.


I was thinking you'd been stocking up on freebie size jam jars, full of course.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Apr 2017)

I have a new use for all my beard trimmings now it is summer plumage time.
A fuzzy microphone cover!
It is now covered in a ball of beard trimmings and you can't hear any whind noise, admittedly you have to shout quite loudly to be picked up on the recording but it works

Only having Wilted several time recently and fallen out of my wheelchair once I am considering taking on a challenge. To push my self up mount Snowden towing a car tyre, while playing a mouth organ. I am almost positive this has never been done before.
Training will commence today, I will push my self up to the gym door from the bottom of the car park, while whistling Ride of the magnificent seven in f miner with frilly bits.


----------



## byegad (24 Apr 2017)

NURSE!

He's out again!

Get the dried frog pills ready.


----------



## markg0vbr (24 Apr 2017)

I just got back from the gym, Snowden is on hold for now, baby steps, my new goal is the coop on the hill around the corner.
With a small child pushing, panting the theme to winter wonderland.


----------



## classic33 (24 Apr 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I have a new use for all my beard trimmings now it is summer plumage time.
> A fuzzy microphone cover!
> It is now covered in a ball of beard trimmings and you can't hear any whind noise, admittedly you have to shout quite loudly to be picked up on the recording but it works
> 
> ...


I see one problem with that idea.


----------



## byegad (26 Apr 2017)

classic33 said:


> I see one problem with that idea.



One????????

ONE?????

ONE????


----------



## classic33 (26 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> One????????
> 
> ONE?????
> 
> ONE????


It's only a small one.


----------



## byegad (26 Apr 2017)

OK.
One?


----------



## markg0vbr (26 Apr 2017)

Pain pain pain pain pain
Aaaaaaaaaaargggg
What have I done! Kicked baby kittens.


----------



## Scoosh (26 Apr 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> What have I done!


 Well now ... where to start ...


----------



## classic33 (26 Apr 2017)

Scoosh said:


> Well now ... where to start ...


Kicking kittens!


----------



## classic33 (27 Apr 2017)

byegad said:


> One????????
> 
> ONE?????
> 
> ONE????


I take it he's only got two arms. In which case how's he going to hold the mouth organ?


----------



## byegad (27 Apr 2017)

Sadly the SBGGs anatomy is a mystery even to him/its self. There have been a nuber of suggestions as to how he should 'play' the mouth organ, one or two even suggested it be played orally. My favourite suggestion involved force feeding him curried sprouts in beans the day before a 'recital'.


----------



## byegad (27 Apr 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> Pain pain pain pain pain
> Aaaaaaaaaaargggg
> What have I done! Kicked baby kittens.



Possibly, although kicking mature kittens is a cleverer trick.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Apr 2017)

Lots and lots and lots of drugs help a bit so only feeling like a slightly over weight rhino has reversed over me wiped its feet on me then dragged me in to the road and repeatedly ridden back and forth over me on a unicycle.

Not that I have put much thought in to it,


----------



## byegad (27 Apr 2017)

I paid good money for that to happen. Glad to know it wasn't wasted.


----------



## markg0vbr (27 Apr 2017)

Happy And got a really good buzz on.

Tomorrow I face the gym again three hours of whimpering, grunting and teeth clenching. That is just getting changed in to my Lycra mr motivator costume.

Last time I went was Wednesday they had to press the barrier button three times as I was coming in as I was going that slow It is mostly a blur but I do remember falling off the reclining bench and pretending I was doing yoga stretching until I got my self semi coherent enough to get back in chair.

The showers are a bit hit and miss some times cold others tepid.

I have been posting pics on the companies web sight and tumbler face book and instergram of the cars parking in the disabled bays without a blue badge.
The last week has been the first time I have been able to use one of the 15 disabled spaces* so some one must have noticed. 

M5 bmw gosh I use a lot of steroids man and the suped up hatch backs with stupid loud exhausts are regulars.
as is the lady mobile hair dresser with her business advertising painted on the car.
Tomorrow I am going to have some of my super strength pills when I go although they do some times make me giggle a bit and the drool can be less than alluring when it happens.



* I have to park at the end of the car park furthest from the door and take up two spaces so I can get in and out of the van.


----------



## markg0vbr (28 Apr 2017)

I have got hold of some petromax and geniol lamps to go in my collection one from 1963 66 and 70s.
I have bialaddin m1 302 315 from the 50s and some Tilley lamps from 60s up to late 80s.

One of the German ex army ones is a bit of a oddity is has a straight vaporizor they only manufactured a small number of them earmarked for the Swiss army and designated 603b the b is for benzene to the poor soles not living in gods country but to us petrol.

Now the Swiss privets lovingly called this lamp the suiside bomb because of the habit of ignighting in to a huge ball of flame before exploding.
I have fingered out what they did wrong!*

All the German military lamps have stamped on them benzene verboten, in English put petrol in this and have a bad day, boom, very bad, run away, this will kill you. A suprisingly concise and expressive language.
Now paraffin I relatively expensive in the uk compared with most other place so I am going to experiment with this lamp and get the full 500cp (candle power) out of it.

Now in the uk you can make ethanol as fule as long as you don't put it in your car so I can run a small fermenting and refining plant to produce ethanol legally.
The totally useless alcahol I can store in some old barrels I have until I can figure out what to use it on.
The last lot might have gone off as I made it 25years ago and haven't tested it recently I have been turning the barrel s every month to stop them leaking. 
In memory of my uncle.
Me and my uncle used to make it he said he used it in his work cleaning windows? Now I think about it, it was a bit odd as he was afraid of heights! But he certainly went through a lot of the stuff and always had lots of money. Alas he is no longer with us as he passed 25 years ago now I don't know what from, I do Remember a bit of a do regarding the funeral though.
They insisted on a grave as the health and safety officer on the council refused to cremate him something to do with fire safety! And risk of explosion.

I can start production up any time, with some help from the minions.

Then with the addition of a tesla valve system, re jetting and a smal turbo effect from the modified air mixing/intake replace the nozzle with a higher temperature ceramic and away we go.
If it all works it will be like having a mini sun hanging out side my van when camping.




*dont use petrol


----------



## classic33 (29 Apr 2017)

Is that last part what they didn't do or what shouldn't be done?


----------



## markg0vbr (29 Apr 2017)

The Swiss used petrol in the lamps as petromax had only altered the fule vaporizor this was a mistake.
Petrol is problematic as it will Easley burn in liquid form, if the mantle brakes in the lamp a jet of flame shoots down heating the screw that holds the lamp to the top of the tank, this transmits the heat and and melts the lead solder sealing the fule tube to the tank, this then leaks shooting a jet of heated petrol in to the flame.... Boom!

Slight design flaw the exploding thing.

Colman lamps that use petrol are braised together if a flim hits the tank unlike lead you have a dresnable amount of time before it fails. 

Given explosion radius of 25ft any thing above this is only crispy and talking loudly for a bit territory.
As long as I have spare minions now I can afford to sit in shouting range and instruct them on the correct operation.


----------



## byegad (29 Apr 2017)

Who knows, encourage him to try all of the combinations. I suspect he'd get spectacular results making his own C3H5N3O9 and putting that in the lamps. We can but hope!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 Apr 2017)

Bio disel works

The minion move went almost to plan.
Putting up the new curtain rail ran into problems,.... I began to laugh after the 8th hole was drilled for the first bracket. This did not go down well with the minion involved.


----------



## classic33 (30 Apr 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> *Bio disel works*
> 
> The minion move went almost to plan.
> Putting up the new curtain rail ran into problems,.... I began to laugh after the 8th hole was drilled for the first bracket. *This did not go down well with the minion involved.*


Something fishy sounding here.

I wouldn't if someone started drilling holes in me!!


----------



## byegad (1 May 2017)

I suspect the SBGG has not been clear in his attempt to communicate in the written word with human beings, or Speicher.


----------



## markg0vbr (4 May 2017)

Back in my baggy ex army shorts, they allow air flow to the nether' s to prevent fungal growth.
The lard inpregnated wool undergarments have been put back in there cage.


----------



## byegad (4 May 2017)

That's a set of images where I'll need the care of a brain care specialist in order to purge from my mind.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 May 2017)

motor trike is getting a run today i some times ride it with my shorts on in hot weather they inflate and are most amusing.

on the trike they are very good for fast down hill mountain roads as they act as a air brake and slow you down without over heating the disc brakes.
i may go to a full blown kilt this year but for safety a concrete sporen may be needed.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 May 2017)

the rubber clogs are still in use and are fantastic for throwing at inattentive minions.


----------



## byegad (6 May 2017)

Sigh!

Concrete sporran? I dare say those readers from North Mr Hadrian's splendid wall will be along to explain why a concrete sporran is a bad idea!


----------



## Speicher (6 May 2017)

byegad said:


> I suspect the SBGG has not been clear in his attempt to communicate in the written word with human beings, or Speicher.





You are so rudely rude!


----------



## Speicher (6 May 2017)

Just because I am a wearer of a lumpy jumper, does not mean that I am not a human bean.


----------



## classic33 (6 May 2017)

byegad said:


> Sigh!
> 
> Concrete sporran? I dare say those readers from North Mr Hadrian's splendid wall will be along to explain why a concrete sporran is a bad idea!


He'll not be welcome North Of The Border before long. South to Doncaster maybe?


----------



## byegad (6 May 2017)

Speicher said:


> Just because I am a wearer of a lumpy jumper, does not mean that I am not a human bean.



Oops! I didn't realise that I'd typed that! Of course you are a member of the fuman race Speicher old chappess! I don't care that you are frequently too kind to the SBGG, and sometimes feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for drowning kittens in a sack with a brick and throwing them into the sea. But it doesn't make me a cat lover, or a cat.


----------



## byegad (6 May 2017)

classic33 said:


> He'll not be welcome North Of The Border before long. South to Doncaster maybe?



He's not welcome in Yorkshire, Scotland or Southern England (Anywhere South of the Humber.). Maybe we should inflict him on the Welsh, although they don't deserve it. I'm still of the mind that a mission to Mars with him as the payload is a goodly move. It might contaminate the Martian ecosystem, if one exists, but it's a risk I feel we should be willing to take.


----------



## classic33 (6 May 2017)

The West Riding goes South of the Humber.


----------



## byegad (6 May 2017)

classic33 said:


> The West Riding goes South of the Humber.


Not in any sane world.


----------



## classic33 (6 May 2017)

In Three there is One, but Four.


----------



## markg0vbr (6 May 2017)

Dent again weekend after next 200+ riders of the motorbikes.
Real ale cask will be under my van as I don't drink.

A cod peace ! Ha ha any problem can be solved with a brain in overdrive.


----------



## classic33 (7 May 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> *Dent again weekend* after next 200+ riders of the motorbikes.
> Real ale cask will be under my van as I don't drink.
> 
> A cod peace ! Ha ha any problem can be solved with a brain in overdrive.


What'd you hit?


----------



## Scoosh (8 May 2017)

byegad said:


> Sigh!
> 
> Concrete sporran? I dare say those readers from North Mr Hadrian's splendid wall will be along to explain why a concrete sporran is a bad idea!


Shhhhh - we won't _tell_ him, we'll wait for him to _find out_ ...


----------



## byegad (9 May 2017)

I vote we supply a super sized one, that should flatter him, then take him loch jumping. Loch Ness seems appropriately sized (and depth!).

In the unlikely event that the beggar floats I'm sure Nessy will appreciate a snack.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2017)

I always have a brake when going past Loch Ness I use a tin of corned beef in a string to go monster fishing.
If you don't open the tin you can use it for years of monster fishing fun.


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2017)

I wonder if any one has ever thrown some coins in Loch Ness ? Or tins of corned beef?


----------



## markg0vbr (12 May 2017)

I will take a powerful magnet with me next time.


----------



## classic33 (12 May 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I will take a powerful magnet with me next time.


Best spot is on private ground. Copper isn't magnetic anyway, nor silver.

Did you know, there's enough iron in the human body to make a six inch nail with!


----------



## byegad (12 May 2017)

More in the SBGG as he has a bionic leg after his break. They told him they used titanium screws but I happen to know they used japanned black iron screws.


----------



## classic33 (12 May 2017)

byegad said:


> More in the SBGG as he has a bionic leg after his break. They told him they used titanium screws but I happen to know they used japanned black iron screws.


Not even good old British steel, and him so close to Sheffield as well.


----------



## byegad (12 May 2017)

Well the NHS is strapped for cash and they did say the japanning might fail and release rust into his system. A quick consultation with his minions and other unfortunates who've met him voted unanimously to take the risk!


----------



## classic33 (13 May 2017)

byegad said:


> More in the SBGG as he has a bionic leg after his break. They told him they used titanium screws but I happen to know they used *japanned black iron screws*.


They'd have been small and lightweight, as with all things from Japan?


----------



## Speicher (13 May 2017)

classic33 said:


> They'd have been small and lightweight, as with all things from Japan?



I think he would have Sum o' the ones they give to heavyweight Japanese wrestlers.

I hope that none of his loin cloths end up in Ma Washi ng.


----------



## byegad (14 May 2017)

It was more that they were cheap at B&Q and likely to eventually kill him IIRC.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 May 2017)

Taking a well earned holiday in dent.
Setting off today and laying about in a field, will be a nice chaing of pace for me.
Unfortunately I may be out of wifi range for a bit so please use pigeons or homing armadillo.


----------



## markg0vbr (18 May 2017)

New specs today unfortunately I will be able to see bygad in focus aaaaaaaag.
On the up side the resplendant, radiant spicher will be like wise.
The ups and downs of life haaaaa! 
Almost time to set off, just got to inform the insurance I will be traveling out side my 45mile radius don't you love van insurance.
Taken my quinean safety pin a £20 note to my vest gave lad a biscuit and kissed the dog..... Er I might re think that next time but he did look apreshative, the dog that is.


----------



## byegad (18 May 2017)

Did you inform the nice ASBO people you are travelling again or are we to take it you are 'on the run' again. It didn't end well last time if you remember, and the new administration in Washington may well ask to speak to you about that incident causing endangerment of an aeroplane. I hear Cuba is lovely at this time of the year!


----------



## Speicher (18 May 2017)

Will Mark be in Ert, in Dent or will he be at Torney?


----------



## byegad (19 May 2017)

I think the Dent is in his head! If it isn't I have a nice lorry tyre iron here that will fix it.


----------



## Speicher (19 May 2017)

That has reminded me of the song,"I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion, take that, and that and that!"


----------



## Speicher (19 May 2017)

Bad Sir Brian Botany by A A Milne

This is the first verse and there are three more, if you need them. 

Sir Brian had a battleaxe with great big
knobs on.
He went among the villagers and blipped them
on the head.
On Wednesday and on Saturday, but mostly on
the latter day,
He called on all the cottages and this is what
he said: 

"I am Sir Brian!"_ (ting-ling!)_
"I am Sir Brian!"_ (rat-tat!)_
"I am Sir Brian, As bold as a lion —
Take _that_, and _that_, and _that!_"


----------



## markg0vbr (21 May 2017)

I am back from a soggy dent.
Men in skirts came from the north and drank spirits, drain cleaner and lamp oil. Sang songs and fel over,
It was very entertaining.
It rained so much my van sank in to the grass it was only inspired driving and some sticks that got me on to the road.

I watched some sheeps for a bit then some ramblers, they would not eat the bread I threw at them so I went on a short ride on the ice q.


----------



## classic33 (22 May 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> I am back from a soggy dent.
> Men in skirts came from the north and drank spirits, drain cleaner and lamp oil. Sang songs and fel over,
> It was very entertaining.
> It rained so much my van sank in to the grass it was only inspired driving and some sticks that got me on to the road.
> ...


Why throw bread at ramblers?

As for the sheep!
Sheep worrying is a crime like any other and it is important that it is treated as such. People must be made aware of the serious consequences sheep worrying can have and be held accountable for their actions. There are several approaches to achieving this when resolving cases of sheep worrying.


----------



## byegad (22 May 2017)

I just hope he picked a good looking sheep.


----------



## classic33 (22 May 2017)

byegad said:


> I just hope he picked a good looking sheep.


To worry?


----------



## byegad (22 May 2017)

Well if he picked me I'd worry!


----------



## markg0vbr (23 May 2017)

I did pose some of the big seven unsolved maths problems to them, l think they tried to communicate via fractal patterns of grazing and coordinated ambling.
As yet I have not de coded all of this but they are crap at maths the formula in the fist one would give a error margin of 4.2% .

Ramblers are a blight on the landscape the Bain of most land owners and make the place look untidy and should be soundly thrashed when ever found on privet land.
All the factory's and mines should work 6 and a1/2 days keep them producing, random floggings would help.

If only we of proper breading and influence bother to vote as the plebs sit watching the latest tv drivel we could put the country back on track.

All the national industry sold off by former governments would immediately revert to national ownership, with no compensation to the over seas profiteers, the high speed rail link wold be stopped and a comprehensive building of new improved rolling stock instigated, all golf courses to be taken over and used for the building of new free housing for people in essential industry's like carbon Fiber wheelchair builders, 
A re education process for any one found parking iligaly in disabled spaces rusty huge high voltage nipple clamps may be involved, all humbugs will have a identification number engraved on them, a tax on spirits will dubble every year tobacco like wise, sugar will be rationed, lard will used for spreading on the roads in whinter as mass e amounts of salt are harmful to slugs, any one with a loud car exaughst will be followed every place they go by a person rinning a bell and shouting make way for the selfish basted, mobile phones will make phone calls that's it no text or anything, pink will be taxed.


----------



## byegad (23 May 2017)

Nurse!

He's out on his own again!


----------



## Speicher (23 May 2017)

I am going out to buy lots of pink wafer biscuits before it is too late.


----------



## byegad (23 May 2017)

Better to buy a good quality cattle prod and herd him back into his care in the community plan. 

It appears I've failed in my attempt for him to home brew Nitro-Glycerine. On to dastardly plan T mkVIII.


----------



## classic33 (24 May 2017)

byegad said:


> Nurse!
> 
> He's out on his own again!


When you think about it, maybe he's got a virtual reality headset and he's never gone anywhere!!


----------



## markg0vbr (24 May 2017)

Vr is all well and good but unless you have a minion throwing buckets of warm blood at you at appropriate moments it falls down, when vr going for a spin around the shopping Center when I take some one off at the knees with my half a pool que with razor blades stuck in it, I want to feel the sports of blood.


----------



## byegad (24 May 2017)

Oh dear! He's worse than we thought. He's definitely ready for another sectioning. This time I think the padded cell and tie back sleeves jacket won't be enough.


----------



## slowfen (24 May 2017)

could we create the RECOVERY PARTY and have him elected on the 08/06/2017 ??


----------



## byegad (24 May 2017)

Looney alert is going off big time at Byegad Towers.

The Yorkshire Security Committee has been called to a special session.

The West Riding Constafolery are on high alert and the Territorial Army have been mobilised in Rawmarsh!

We have a dangerous situation here and President for life Scargill, backed by God (Or Geoff Boycott as he's known in for'n parts.) are about to authorise use of the ultimate detergent.

All loyal Tykes are called to identify this dangerous fool and assist the swift apprehension of the person known as slowfen!

Let the SBGG loose on democracy???

Ohh! The Folly! The Folly!


----------



## markg0vbr (30 May 2017)

i intend to capture the lumpy jumper vote, this will not be hard as a SBGG, the flash of a winning smile, flex of a huge bicep.


----------



## byegad (30 May 2017)

See what I mean? The delusions are getting worse and worse.


----------



## classic33 (30 May 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> i intend to capture the lumpy jumper vote, this will not be hard as a SBGG, *the flash of a winning smile, flex of a huge bicep.*


Whose though?
And won't the bicep, whatever its size, soon go rotten.


----------



## byegad (30 May 2017)

Given he's had that bicep for several years, having dug up a champion flat cap hurler's body shortly after the funeral, I suspect it's way past rotten and well on the way to mummified!


----------



## classic33 (30 May 2017)

byegad said:


> Given he's had that bicep for several years, having dug up a champion flat cap hurler's body shortly after the funeral, I suspect it's way past rotten and well on the way to mummified!


Where's the smile come from then.


----------



## byegad (30 May 2017)

He thinks it's a smile. It's his and is frankly, more like the look a predator gives it's prey just before it pounces! Don't forget Rawmarsh still uses polished copper mirrors, due to high incidence of insanity and vampirism in the locally inbred population.


----------



## Speicher (2 Jun 2017)

Is the local in bread population one sandwich short of a picnic?


----------



## byegad (2 Jun 2017)

Speicher said:


> Is the local in bread population one sandwich short of a picnic?


More like five loaves and two fishes short!


----------



## classic33 (2 Jun 2017)

byegad said:


> More like five loaves and two fishes short!


You might give him a superiority complex!!


----------



## byegad (3 Jun 2017)

Impossible!

Once we bump off* the SBGG the hard part starts, killing his ego! It already has a life of it's own and is bigger by far than the SBGG. 

* See Cunning Plans 1-96, 
parts a-z,
subsections i-xxxvii


----------



## markg0vbr (3 Jun 2017)

After a glorious trip out on my motortrike with the iam Sheffield club I have popped home to prod the party machine in to motion.
He was not amused it is only three pm he needs his rest apparently ! Well he can jolly well get his bum in gear and start my tiffin.

I have approached several party's regarding my ideas on getting every one back to work paying lots of taxes to keep me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed.
Up front I inform the plebeians that I am trying to get on the gravy train and intend to milk parliament for every penny.

My policy on Europe is its about time we moved.
All the ex miners laying about and unemployed should help under mine this island and with the aid of all the discarded posh water bottles tow us south a bit and west a bit in whinter decreasing gas bills and electric.
Farmers could request moving us around dependent on wether requirements.
All the useless whind turbines could be powered up to help with moving us like a massive hover craft.
If elected I will make no difference to the running of England but I will be doing it with stile and elegance.


----------



## classic33 (3 Jun 2017)

markg0vbr said:


> After a glorious trip out on my motortrike with the iam Sheffield club I have popped home to prod the party machine in to motion.
> He was not amused it is only three pm he needs his rest apparently ! Well he can jolly well get his bum in gear and start my tiffin.
> 
> I have approached several party's regarding my ideas on getting every one back to work paying lots of taxes to keep me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed.
> ...


Tha's late starting, nearly over now!


----------



## byegad (4 Jun 2017)

It's a sad reflection of the quality of the potential Prime Ministers in the election that I have an awful feeling of trepidation in that the SBGG would not be the worst, or even second worst choice for Prime Minister.

Mind you if the SBGG got into No10 it would certainly open Brenda's* eyes at to the 'quality' of the shirking classes!

* AKA German Liz or Her Majesty the Queen!


----------



## classic33 (4 Jun 2017)

You'd have him telling you what to do though. 

Think you'd manage?


----------



## markg0vbr (6 Jun 2017)

I have been out taking the pulse of the under klasses, the forgotten people, I had to prod a lot of them with a sharp stick to get a pulse.
I Sepent the evening and night at a local beauty spot at the back of the steal works between the two shunting yards and the main line.
Nestled in the bottom of the slag heap and clinker filed, the fishing pond.
A highly guarded secret turn left at the main gate and drive over the rails then straight at the side of the track for one mile, following the 10' x 10' signs saying this way to the pond.

The three mile drive to end up three hundred yards from my house because the old cattle tunnel we used has been filled in to stop some people using it as a short cut to get to Asda was un eventful.

The rainbow oil slicks floating on the ponds add to the ambience of the high powered off road bikes screaming past followed by south Yorks best constabulary, slowly lulls you in to that zen like state of monosyllabic Conversations.
"A up"
"Aw right"
"Iyyy"
" thi sen"
"Owt?"
"I........free"*
All this repartee with a paws of up to one hour in between utterances until I pull out my dripping sandwidge.
The anglers that come to a spot where the fish have ear defenders on and have to dive for cover as yet another drug mule off road bike comes flying down the bank are lets face it there to get away from her in doors.
Night fishing involves moving as little as possible as they are stretching the bladder envelope with cheap tins of larger thinking up new ways to fiddle the gas n electric.

A chap that can just have a dripping sandwidge when ever he wants and not answer the phone every ten minuets "yes love.....yes love... Just the lads..... Ok I will pick some up ont way home love" in a converted old plumbers van with 1980s day glow curtains, commands a hefty street cred.
Add in the fried haggis and egg sandwich for brake fast with mugs of tea dispensed from my patio door** all night 

the pulse was "who gives a toss" in a labor safe seat when thy get twice the ballots of all the other runners put too, what's the point?

I might have my work cut out for me, the bit in the manifesto about brining back the rule of thumb went down well though.
*rotherham for three 
** the sliding door on the old plumbers van


----------



## classic33 (6 Jun 2017)

Those you prodded may have been fishing!


----------



## byegad (6 Jun 2017)

I suspect that ego apart the SBGG's chances of getting into No10 are remote. Apart from anything else I doubt voters are willing to elect someone who's first, second and third languages are Rubbish, Gibberish and fluent Idiot........

There 'May' be a flaw in that line of reasoning..........

I need to rethink this o


markg0vbr said:


> I have been out taking the pulse of the under klasses, the forgotten people, I had to prod a lot of them with a sharp stick to get a pulse.
> I Sepent the evening and night at a local beauty spot at the back of the steal works between the two shunting yards and the main line.
> Nestled in the bottom of the slag heap and clinker filed, the fishing pond.
> A highly guarded secret turn left at the main gate and drive over the rails then straight at the side of the track for one mile, following the 10' x 10' signs saying this way to the pond.
> ...



On the subject of denizens of Rawmarsh.

I rest my case....
Set down my valise....
Place my portmanteau.....
Drop my backpack.....
Deposit my trunk.....
etc. etc.etc.


----------



## byegad (18 Jul 2017)

Shhhhh!
I'll keep this to a whisper.

With over a month and no message from the SBGG, is it safe to assume he's gorn orf to warmer climes?

If so please tell St Teresa that now is the perfect time for a really hard Brexit, crashing us out of the EU with no movement of any kind between the UK and the EU, thus leaving unfortunate country currently lumbered with him to solve the problem. 

We need to spend money now on a fleet of armed rowing boats ready to sink any vessel approaching our shores.
To this end, please send money to:-
The Ambassador
Yorkshire Embassy to the Frozen North
County Durham DL3 8UP

If you need a receipt please write your name and address on one side of one of the £20 notes.


----------



## classic33 (18 Jul 2017)

byegad said:


> Shhhhh!
> I'll keep this to a whisper.
> 
> With over a month and no message from the SBGG, is it safe to assume he's gorn orf to warmer climes?
> ...


Which side?


----------



## byegad (29 Jul 2017)

On the side without Brenda, you're not allowed to deface her Germanness'ess'ess'ess fizog'!


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2017)

Good news to the motorists of the Frozen North!

His Ambassadorship for the frozen North will be perambulating around the Frozen North on his trusty three wheeled machine until further notice.


----------



## Speicher (2 Aug 2017)

three wheels on my wagon


----------



## byegad (2 Aug 2017)

After a persistent cough. from 02/01/2017, multiple antibiotics and steroid courses, a growing shadow on my lung and a14 day cancer referral, with 7 full months of being laid up, I was glad to be out and doing my shorter loop (15.6miles) today, I see my specialist on Friday and hopefully will get the all clear.

My annual mileage up to today stands at 75 miles which is slightly above my normal weekly average over a typical year!


----------



## byegad (4 Aug 2017)

Good news and bad news today. First the bad news, I have, and presumably have had since January an infection lurking in my lungs. The infection is a slow growing Streptoccocal bug, it took 6 weeks in the lab to get a decent sample! The good news is that it's reactive to three different antibiotics, so I've got 14 days worth of the favourite to kill the beggars.

Fingers crossed.


----------



## classic33 (4 Aug 2017)

byegad said:


> Good news and bad news today. First the bad news, I have, and presumably have had since January an infection lurking in my lungs. The infection is a slow growing Streptoccocal bug, it took 6 weeks in the lab to get a decent sample! The good news is that it's reactive to three different antibiotics, so I've got 14 days worth of the favourite to kill the beggars.
> 
> Fingers crossed.


You taking all three types?


----------



## byegad (5 Aug 2017)

No just the favourite. Presumably if it doesn't die I'll get the other two to finish the bastards off.


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2017)

I grovelled around an 18 mile loop yesterday. Very slowly, but I did it, and without coughing and hawking all the way! Half way through the antibiotics and definitely feeling more my usual self. Now to persecute the SBGG with my old vigour....


Where did I put the Purdeys???


----------



## Speicher (11 Aug 2017)

I thought there was only one Purdey. The other two are called Gambit and Steed.


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2017)

One purchases them in pairs from a little establishment called James Purdey and Sons who've been supplying us Aristo's with weaponry since 1814. 

Purdey in the Avengers was named after them, so as to sound classy to the great unwashed.


----------



## Speicher (11 Aug 2017)

Purchased in pairs? 

Knitting needles?


----------



## byegad (11 Aug 2017)

One's gamekeeper loads one whilst one shoots both barrels of the other one at the peasants, sorry pheasants, no I was right the first time. Peasants!

Does them good to know they've been peppered by a quality weapon!


----------



## FishFright (12 Aug 2017)

Purdy's owned by people without land to shoot on, Hardy's owned by people who want to look like anglers. Both only owned by the middle classes who think they are the best because they believe the aristo's use them


----------



## byegad (14 Aug 2017)

Was that true in 1816 when Great, Great, Great Grandfather bought them?


----------



## byegad (28 Sep 2017)

Joy of Joys!
After a 'routine annual check-up' of Asthma and Hypertension, I now have a 'regularly irregular heartbeat'*. More investigations to follow, with an ECG on Monday. Having got rid of a Streptococcal lung infection last month I'm now officially, 'Under the Doctor'** again! 

*Whatever the dickens that is! Anyone with a clue please post or PM me!
**Lucky Doctor!


----------



## Scoosh (28 Sep 2017)

byegad said:


> I now have a 'regularly irregular heartbeat'*.
> 
> *Whatever the dickens that is! Anyone with a clue please post or PM me!


It's a Buddy Holly thing ... from back in your day  - or maybe a bit after your days ...


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2017)

Buddy Holly? Isn't he a jazz musician that all the children like?


----------



## Scoosh (29 Sep 2017)

Yeah .... _something_ like that ......  - though not _today's_ children ... nor your grand children ... nor your gr


----------



## byegad (29 Sep 2017)

Cheeky young pup!

You should know better than to cheek your ever so slightly elders and very much betters!


----------



## Scoosh (29 Sep 2017)




----------



## classic33 (29 Sep 2017)

byegad said:


> *Cheeky young pup!*
> You should know better than to cheek your ever so slightly elders and very much betters!





Scoosh said:


> View attachment 376101



Don't think he meant you.

I think he did though, having read back.


----------



## Scoosh (29 Sep 2017)

classic33 said:


> Don't think he meant you.


Oh, indeed he did ...


----------



## classic33 (30 Sep 2017)

Scoosh said:


> Oh, indeed he did ...


You think he'd know better at his age though.


----------



## byegad (30 Sep 2017)

classic33 said:


> Don't think he meant you.
> 
> I think he did though, having read back.


If the cap fits....Guilty conscience... etc.

But no I meant Scoosh!


----------



## Scoosh (30 Sep 2017)

classic33 said:


> You think he'd know better at his age though.


I'm afraid his age has reached that stage  ... you know ... the thing about the castle, the servants ... 
We play along 'cos it keeps us all happily entertained and it is pleasantly amusing - but .....

I mean, really ...


byegad said:


> .... your ever so slightly elders ...


total conjecture ! 

Followed with ...


byegad said:


> ... and very much betters! ...


err, well now, there my be something in this bit.


----------



## classic33 (30 Sep 2017)

Scoosh said:


> I'm afraid his age has reached that stage  ... you know ... the thing about the castle, the servants ...
> We play along 'cos it keeps us all happily entertained and it is pleasantly amusing - but .....
> 
> I mean, really ...
> ...


He can't make a declaration of war either.

Gives him something to do, keep him out of trouble.


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2017)

Oh Dear, it seems that the peasants are revolting! No surprise there,living in mud huts and washing no more than once a year, and that when they accidentally fall in the beck!


----------



## Scoosh (2 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> fall in the beck


'Fall in the beck' - of what ? The bath-chair ?


----------



## byegad (2 Oct 2017)

Sorry, forgot you were foreign. A beck is a small, natural watercourse, known in uncivilised parts as a stream.


----------



## classic33 (2 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> Sorry, forgot you were foreign. A beck is a small, natural watercourse, known in uncivilised parts as a stream.


Not a brook?


byegad said:


> Oh Dear, it seems that the peasants are revolting! No surprise there,living in mud huts and washing no more than once a year, and that when they accidentally fall in the beck!


Now I realise you're from the North Riding, and I'm from the West Riding, *the largest of the three.* County loyalty can only go so far.


----------



## Scoosh (2 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> A beck is a small, natural watercourse, known in uncivilised parts as a stream.


Is that what the civilised world calls a "burrn" ? [note the phoenetic spelin]


----------



## classic33 (2 Oct 2017)

Scoosh said:


> Is that what the civilised world calls a "burrn" ? [note the phoenetic spelin]


Nay, a burn 'd be larger than a beck, but smaller than a river.


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2017)

Oh Dear. Foreigners unable to find a consensus about a word.

The day when Yorkshire 'rules to world'* will see this settled.

*Except Lancashire which will rightly be demolished.


----------



## classic33 (3 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> Oh Dear. Foreigners unable to find a consensus about a word.
> 
> The day when Yorkshire 'rules to world'* will see this settled.
> 
> *Except Lancashire which will rightly be demolished.


Ere, born & bred in't West Riding(The largest of the Three).

And feature in the Thieves Litany(not the beggars litany as some call it).

Not too far from the brothel Charlotte, Emily & Anne worked at.


----------



## byegad (3 Oct 2017)

And you don't know what a Beck is......


----------



## classic33 (3 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> And you don't know what a Beck is......


I do.


----------



## byegad (4 Oct 2017)

Well you do now!


----------



## classic33 (4 Oct 2017)

Beck is out back, and river out front.


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2017)

I'm beginning to have doubts.
_is that beck is* (norfolk dialect) *a stream or small river, while brook is a body of running smaller than a river; a small stream_

Norfolk!


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2017)

classic33 said:


> I'm beginning to have doubts.
> _is that beck is* (norfolk dialect) *a stream or small river, while brook is a body of running smaller than a river; a small stream_
> 
> Norfolk!



NFN!


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> NFN!


?


----------



## byegad (6 Oct 2017)

'Normal for Norfolk'. Said by the visitor and one or two Norfolk types who are rational.


----------



## classic33 (6 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> 'Normal for Norfolk'. Said by the visitor and one or two Norfolk types who are rational.


You seem to know a few Norfolk sayings.


----------



## byegad (7 Oct 2017)

Los of holidays in ooh, aah! Land, my best one is Fulmodeston is pronounced Fumiston. Apparently, or should that be appley??


----------



## Speicher (7 Oct 2017)

I used to live in Glaawsesstersshire and Prinknash is pronounced as Prinnidge.


----------



## classic33 (26 Oct 2017)

Try Mytholmroyd or Sowerby (Bridge).


----------



## Speicher (26 Oct 2017)

classic33 said:


> Try Mytholmroyd or Sowerby (Bridge).



Thomroy? Sowby?

both of those are guesses


----------



## classic33 (26 Oct 2017)

Speicher said:


> Thomroy? Sowby?
> 
> both of those are guesses


Second like someone who's moved into the area, first no-where near.


----------



## Speicher (26 Oct 2017)

classic33 said:


> Second like someone who's moved into the area, first no-where near.



What should it be?


----------



## classic33 (26 Oct 2017)

Sowerby = Sorby
Mytholmroyd = My volm royd

Not Sow er bee(Sour bee) Bridge or Mitholmroyd as given on railway PA systems


----------



## byegad (30 Oct 2017)

A County Durham example. Esh Winning is often referred to by locals as Esh. No problem with that? Well there's one, a few miles away from Esh Winning is....

A village called Esh! Which I've heard referred to as Old Esh.


----------



## classic33 (30 Oct 2017)

byegad said:


> A County Durham example. Esh Winning is often referred to by locals as Esh. No problem with that? Well there's one, a few miles away from Esh Winning is....
> 
> A village called Esh! Which I've heard referred to as Old Esh.


There's Slaithwaite(Slawit).


----------



## Speicher (30 Oct 2017)

I am in recovery mode. Last week I had a Birdday ending in a zero!


----------



## classic33 (27 Nov 2017)

Speicher said:


> I am in recovery mode. Last week I had a Birdday ending in a zero!


Ends in a One next time then.


----------



## byegad (28 Nov 2017)

Don't worry Speicher old chappess. 70 is the new 40!


----------



## classic33 (28 Nov 2017)

byegad said:


> Don't worry Speicher old chappess. 70 is the new 40!


Where do we send the flowers?


----------



## Speicher (28 Nov 2017)

byegad said:


> Don't worry Speicher old chappess. 70 is the new 40!



Hmmmpffff 

"I am older and I have more insurance." Do you know which film that is from? 



classic33 said:


> Where do we send the flowers?



Wyse Owl Cottage
Hoot Lane
Hundre D'Acre Wood
Wolthampstowe in Marsh


----------



## classic33 (28 Nov 2017)

Speicher said:


> Hmmmpffff
> 
> "I am older and I have more insurance." Do you know which film that is from?
> 
> ...


Fried Greens

And the flowers were for @byegad, should you meet him.


----------



## byegad (28 Nov 2017)

OOPS!


----------



## classic33 (28 Nov 2017)

byegad said:


> OOPS!


To say the least!


----------



## Speicher (28 Nov 2017)

byegad said:


> OOPS!



Is that all you have to say? or all that you are allowed to say?



classic33 said:


> To say the least!



Masterful understatement.


----------



## byegad (29 Nov 2017)

Sorry Speicher, I had no idea of your age.

But I'm told you don't look 80!


----------



## Scoosh (29 Nov 2017)

byegad said:


> But I'm told you don't look 80!


... and you do ?  (or am I missing something here ...  ?)


----------



## byegad (4 Dec 2017)

My boyish good looks, have I'm afraid, faded ever so slightly. However I do a good Crabby Old Fart impression!


----------



## byegad (16 Jan 2018)

Happy New Year to you all. Not a lot to report at Byegad Towers. Yule passed in the traditional way, those cottages reserved for the yule fire debugging and improvement treatment are nearly rebuilt and the peasantry are back to tugging their forelocks as we pass by. 

Little has been heard from the SBGG, and long may that continue.


----------



## Speicher (16 Jan 2018)

Yule Tide was very quiet at Speicher Towers. This is usual insofaras it is situated so far in the quiet west in the west of Wusstershire.

A new feline resident chose to live here, after the sad demise of an elderly puddytat. Training of her Staff member is progressing well, and Kizzy is pleased with her choice of location of her new home, and her new servant.

New televisual equipment has been installed. The previous appliance has a provenance from the very beginning of this century. It was won in a raffle and was therefore presumed to be not of the highest order of its day. Only one raffle ticket was purchased, at the princely sum of ten shillings. The funds were being raised for the local cottage Hospital.

It is to be noted that this far west the daylight hours are getting noticeably longerer. This means that Gardening Has Resumed.


----------



## byegad (3 Jan 2019)

Just to say Happy New Year to all the participants in this venerable thread, and wish them, and their brain care specialists a prosperous 2019.
Byegad Towers has little to announce other than Lady Byegad suffers a birthday with a 0 on the end later in the year, and I expect to actually rack up a decent mileage for the first time since 2016, now I'm fully recovered from my bad chest.


----------

