# Bereavement



## Fubar (7 Nov 2014)

Hi
I posted the following link in the "Depression Strikes" thread and it occurred to me that we are all affected by bereavement at some point but it is one of those things people generally don't like to talk about:
http://www.toabsentfriends.org.uk/
Part of my job is Palliative Care and discussions around end of life, which can always be difficult. My personal experience (after losing grandparents) is that I lost my first wife to cancer aged 32 then my mum and dad within a year of each other, and not a day goes by that I don't think of each of them in some way - I do feel that little parts of me died with them and while you move on, you are very different. I actually think I went a bit "out of body" and off the rails after my wife died, perhaps understandably.

So as an extension of the Depression Strikes thread I thought it might of use to start a conversation around bereavement and loss as everyone's experience and way of dealing with it is different, and perhaps we can help each other.

Regards, Mark


----------



## Pat "5mph" (7 Nov 2014)

Great thread!
I will write something about my experience a wee bit later.


----------



## Ern1e (7 Nov 2014)

Thanks for the link @Fubar most of us on here will have at some point been touched by bereavement or will be in the future.I also lost my mother to cancer whilst this was 43 years ago I still feel the loss and more so when I think that she has never seen her grandchildren/great grandchildren,and I often wonder if things would be the same or different had she have lived longer ! something i will never know so thanks again.


----------



## mustang1 (7 Nov 2014)

Recently my mum was going to die. While my dad had every hope of her surviving (and she did, barely), I was looking into funeral arrangements so my dad didn't have to. In hindsight it was premature and selfish of me and I keep thinking I shouldn't have done that. I didn't tell anyone I was making arrangements, on the outside I showed I was very hopeful that she wouldn't die but underneath I wanted my dad to have the least stress as possible and so I decided to make enquiries about what one has to do during such times.
Good thread, thank you.


----------



## fossyant (7 Nov 2014)

The loss of my brother in law 12 years ago (aged my age now) was very hard to deal with even though I didn't know him that well (lived in Hong Kong) He died of a brain tumour. Was dead within 4 weeks of diagnosis.

My father in law died recently, and that was unpleasant dealing with the end of life issues and trying to get my sisters in laws to start working together. At the minute we are left with my mother in law who is partially disabled (stroke so physical mobility issues) and we are constantly running about helping her out - she doesn't get we all have jobs and children to look after and can't drop everything to go and buy her an iced bun (yup I kid you not). Every time you talk to her she is in tears. Really hard to deal with her, and me and my wife have been sorting out all the bills, she doesn't want to know about them. Just been round the second night running as a spare telly is on the blink. Won't power up sometimes. It's a simple switch off and back on, but you've got to go round NOW to get it working. It's the telly she watches when she goes to bed. She has catch up and full sky so could watch it in the morning.


----------



## Levo-Lon (7 Nov 2014)

The older I get the harder I seem to be getting.
death of little brother at 23 done me, fantastic amounts of alcohol and mates helped ,but getting banned from driving brought me back to reality.

sorry to sound harsh but some just wont move on and wallow ,others can move forward and make the best of it.
duno, its life isnt it ,after all the great war 100 yrs on stuff on tv we live a charmed life and seem to get all hung up on our own little worlds..friend died from pancriatic cancer a little while back.. he said I had 49 great years..enjoy what you get mate..
hope that comes accross ok as hard to wtite stuff like this.
talking helps but the person must want to move on for them to heal as its the living that feel the pain when we lose close family and friends


----------



## Fubar (7 Nov 2014)

fossyant said:


> The loss of my brother in law 12 years ago (aged my age now) was very hard to deal with even though I didn't know him that well (lived in Hong Kong) He died of a brain tumour. Was dead within 4 weeks of diagnosis.
> 
> My father in law died recently, and that was unpleasant dealing with the end of life issues and trying to get my sisters in laws to start working together. At the minute we are left with my mother in law who is partially disabled (stroke so physical mobility issues) and we are constantly running about helping her out - she doesn't get we all have jobs and children to look after and can't drop everything to go and buy her an iced bun (yup I kid you not). Every time you talk to her she is in tears. Really hard to deal with her, and me and my wife have been sorting out all the bills, she doesn't want to know about them. Just been round the second night running as a spare telly is on the blink. Won't power up sometimes. It's a simple switch off and back on, but you've got to go round NOW to get it working. It's the telly she watches when she goes to bed. She has catch up and full sky so could watch it in the morning.



Tough to deal with as she is obviously suffering too but seems to have unrealistic expectations - does she get any support?


----------



## Fubar (7 Nov 2014)

meta lon said:


> The older I get the harder I seem to be getting.
> death of little brother at 23 done me, fantastic amounts of alcohol and mates helped ,but getting banned from driving brought me back to reality.
> 
> sorry to sound harsh but some just wont move on and wallow ,others can move forward and make the best of it.
> ...



Appreciate your comments, everyone deals with these things differently and your opinion is valid - just might be harder for some people to come to terms with death and talk about it, which is the intention of the thread. Cheers, Mark


----------



## Pat "5mph" (8 Nov 2014)

My long term partner died suddenly 11 years ago.
It was a shock, nobody close to me had died previously.
Thankfully, I was left in a financial pickle, which spurred me into action, got 3 jobs, embarked in major diy projects.
I am not prone to depression, fortunately, but I think if I'd had no need to concentrate on practical matters I would have gone bonkers.
Feelings: I felt abandoned  For a while I tried to do alone the things we used to do together, or to do stuff the way he liked it.
Soon found out this does not work: we had become "one" in many ways, it was really surprising to me how fast I became "myself" again, after all the years together, well, a "myself" with added undeletable bits!
In hindsight I should have started dating again a few years after his death, but I didn't, ended up an old mad cat lady instead  not out of a misguided sense of loyalty, just out of inertia, plus the niggling feeling that any new man should not be compared, but inevitably would be.
Chapeau to you, @Fubar for moving forward.
Btw, Catholic countries have a remembrance of the dead day, it's the 2nd of November, all Souls' day, when traditionally folks take flowers to graves.



meta lon said:


> duno, its life isnt it ,after all the great war 100 yrs on stuff on tv we live a charmed life and seem to get all hung up on our own little worlds.


True: "so what, everybody dies" I was told by a colleague a few months after I'd lost my partner. I did not take it to heart, as the colleague came from then war torn Iraq, still the comment did not make me feel any better!


----------



## summerdays (8 Nov 2014)

It feels wrong to like a post talking about someone coming to terms with the loss of someone close but I appreciated the openness. I haven't lost anyone close to me for ages, but therefore I'm dreading it being around the corner, with elderly parents for example, yet I need to carry on enjoying them now whilst I still have them. It's one of those topics I don't tend to discuss with anyone.


----------



## Levo-Lon (8 Nov 2014)

Pat 5mph..dont know how to quote on here...

my mum and dad split up 20 odd yrs after my brothers accident and death.
my dad just got sick of all the maudlin pitty me , drinking and misery..
we as a family tried so hard to make it better for her, try help groupe try counsilling you name it..
she just prefered to get pissed and feel sorry for herself.
my dad now lives with another woman and is happy again.

we all went to pieces at the time for a good while and watching my mother refuse to seek any help just peed me off ,she makes my sisters life a missery and I give her about an hr a month now as she just moans about everything and blames eveyone else..life's to short ..I feel angry everytime I see her,still love her but its a blood is thicker than water feeling , if this was a friend I'd have given up yrs ago.
parents are early 70's ill be crushed when dad goes and be pleased my mums pain has ended when she pops off, sad thought but she really has made her life and others bloody hard.
Asuming I dont beat them too it of course and grand parents all made late 80's early 90's so who knows.

like I said I've become a bit hard to some things which bothers me, so maybe ill give mum a hug nxt time I see her... so easy to take things out of context on a forum so appoliges if my post came across as a so what attitude ,it most certainly wasn't meant..

quite good to talk aboutthis really as I would not burden anyone with my woe's as a rule..


----------



## Fubar (8 Nov 2014)

mustang1 said:


> Recently my mum was going to die. While my dad had every hope of her surviving (and she did, barely), I was looking into funeral arrangements so my dad didn't have to. In hindsight it was premature and selfish of me and I keep thinking I shouldn't have done that. I didn't tell anyone I was making arrangements, on the outside I showed I was very hopeful that she wouldn't die but underneath I wanted my dad to have the least stress as possible and so I decided to make enquiries about what one has to do during such times.
> Good thread, thank you.



you did these things out of care for your father (and mother) so should not feel that it was selfish. Now that your mum has a "second chance" so to speak are you or your dad aware of her wishes? It might be worth taking the opportunity to find out, if you feel you are able.


----------



## Fubar (8 Nov 2014)

Pat "5mph" said:


> My long term partner died suddenly 11 years ago.
> It was a shock, nobody close to me had died previously.
> Thankfully, I was left in a financial pickle, which spurred me into action, got 3 jobs, embarked in major diy projects.
> I am not prone to depression, fortunately, but I think if I'd had no need to concentrate on practical matters I would have gone bonkers.
> ...



Thanks for sharing Pat, I hesitated to post so I'm sure you did too!

I understand how hard it is to move on - I ended up being really selfish and ignoring calls from our previous friends (and her family) as I just couldn't cope with the "pressure". It was like everyone expected me to act a certain way. In the end I moved on and people just had to deal with it - I had 6 years being a carer and whilst I didn't resent it I had to put myself first. I'm not prone to,depression either but had some dark days, and found it hard to cope on my own.

The "day of the dead" idea is kind of what To Absent Friends is about, celebrating those lost and opening conversations on death and dying.


----------



## Fubar (8 Nov 2014)

P.s. If I like posts on here it's not necessarily because I like the stories but 'cos people have shown the courage to share.


----------



## cyberknight (8 Nov 2014)

Both my parents died of terminal cancer, mum when i was under 10 and my dad a few years ago .
No one to talk about it too and i have always had difficulty making friends and interpersonal stuff i put it down to not letting anyone in enough so i cant get hurt , counseling was not about in the 70`s and i had to get my dad out of his grief and back to work while i was doign things like housework, shopping , cooking etc for 2 sistsers until he found another "mum" to look after us .Much as i am grateful to her she was never really my mum and when my step brother (15 years younger ) was born it always felt like he was the apple of their eye .
Point in fact , they couldn't afford for me to go to college but they came out of retirement and did cleaning jobs so he could go to uni , fair enough he got a PHD but ..........


----------



## Fubar (8 Nov 2014)

cyberknight said:


> Both my parents died of terminal cancer, mum when i was under 10 and my dad a few years ago .
> No one to talk about it too and i have always had difficulty making friends and interpersonal stuff i put it down to not letting anyone in enough so i cant get hurt , counseling was not about in the 70`s and i had to get my dad out of his grief and back to work .



I remember being offered counselling when my wife died, a guy turned up with a silk scarf round his neck (curiously putting me on edge straight away), he was a bit of a wet blanket and proceeded to talk about how i must be "glad" she had died - I politely said this isn't for me and he left. I can understand how it would affect your interpersonal relationships at such a young age, I think if you get good counselling it might help, but sometimes just living your life is counselling enough.


----------



## fossyant (8 Nov 2014)

Fubar said:


> Tough to deal with as she is obviously suffering too but seems to have unrealistic expectations - does she get any support?



She has carers in 4 times a day, morning, lunch, tea and bed time. She doesn't half have us running about. Was round again today as it was urgent that the back room TV was working. Replaced it with a flat screen she has in the conservatory, after having to go out and get a longer ariel cable, then the ruddy remote wouldn't work, so had to swap that TV with one upstairs. Then had to remove the old tv off the wall then order a new remote. 

She's basically given up, or did some years ago after her stroke. She gets upset when she sees other elderly people getting about, even someone on her Monday club has similar issues to her and she manages.


----------



## Fubar (8 Nov 2014)

fossyant said:


> She has carers in 4 times a day, morning, lunch, tea and bed time. She doesn't half have us running about. Was round again today as it was urgent that the back room TV was working. Replaced it with a flat screen she has in the conservatory, after having to go out and get a longer ariel cable, then the ruddy remote wouldn't work, so had to swap that TV with one upstairs. Then had to remove the old tv off the wall then order a new remote.
> 
> She's basically given up, or did some years ago after her stroke. She gets upset when she sees other elderly people getting about, even someone on her Monday club has similar issues to her and she manages.



Hard but you might have to start refusing to her instant demands, though arranging to go round maybe set days of the week - I remember after my mum died my dad struggled to cope and if we were down south and he heard about an accident he'd be phoning in a panic thinking it was us. I used to get a bit annoyed at him phoning all the time but would give anything for one more phone call.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

I lost my dad in 1993, 2 months before my wedding.
He had been going to GP and being fobbed off for months, prescribed benylin for a "wee cough" and refused a sick note, accused of malingering!!!!
I went home one time for the weekend and waited for dad to join us for lunch, always late! Lol. At the bookies!
Did't recognise him, so grey and old looking, told mum he wasn't well and to take him to doc.
Sister took him to doc next week as he could barely walk, straight to hospital.
A "wee touch of terminal lung cancer" 
Disgusted at the way a proud, fit, hard working man was treated by our great NHS.
So hard to share this, my dad.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> I lost my dad in 1993, 2 months before my wedding.
> He had been going to GP and being fobbed off for months, prescribed benylin for a "wee cough" and refused a sick note, accused of malingering!!!!
> I went home one time for the weekend and waited for dad to join us for lunch, always late! Lol. At the bookies!
> Did't recognise him, so grey and old looking, told mum he wasn't well and to take him to doc.
> ...



Passed away 6 weeks later, aged 60.
Never knew his grandson and granddaughter, would have been so chuffed with them.


----------



## Pat "5mph" (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Disgusted at the way a proud, fit, hard working man was treated by our great NHS.


It was the same for my partner, GP kept telling him he had a cold for months, while he had terminal lung cancer.
After months of this we went to the hospital, he could barely walk but drove himself, he died 3 weeks later.
I hate that doctor's practice so much that can't bear to go near it, even after 11 years.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> I lost my dad in 1993, 2 months before my wedding.
> He had been going to GP and being fobbed off for months, prescribed benylin for a "wee cough" and refused a sick note, accused of malingering!!!!
> I went home one time for the weekend and waited for dad to join us for lunch, always late! Lol. At the bookies!
> Did't recognise him, so grey and old looking, told mum he wasn't well and to take him to doc.
> ...



One thing I've learned since working in the nhs is that gp's know a lot less than we think - really really tough to take. I think there is something in that generation that made them not want to force the issue with a gp who is "supposed to know everything", I know my mum and dad were like that. Disgusting that he was accused of malingering! We are also dealing with the fall out of Forth Valley, unbelievable how internal squabbles impacted on peoples lives.

Sorry to hear about your dad, sounds like he was an interesting man.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Pat "5mph" said:


> It was the same for my partner, GP kept telling him he had a cold for months, while he had terminal lung cancer.
> After months of this we went to the hospital, he could barely walk but drove himself, he died 3 weeks later.
> I hate that doctor's practice so much that can't bear to go near it, even after 11 years.



Yep, even 20+ years on I am so angry, they made a "wee mistake" oops, my dad died.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Passed away 6 weeks later, aged 60.
> Never knew his grandson and granddaughter, would have been so chuffed with them.



I bet he would.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Pat "5mph" said:


> It was the same for my partner, GP kept telling him he had a cold for months, while he had terminal lung cancer.
> After months of this we went to the hospital, he could barely walk but drove himself, he died 3 weeks later.
> I hate that doctor's practice so much that can't bear to go near it, even after 11 years.



I doubt you'll ever forget that, still remember what the "councillor" said to me - glad I don't see him around!


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Thanks, he was a gent, a very quiet, educated, old fashioned type who insisted on paying for our wedding, even though we had been living "in sin" for 5 years!
Sadly that paid for his funeral instead.
My next door neighbour is the same age as he would have been now and I am still so angry at how many years he didn't have to enjoy.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Thanks, he was a gent, a very quiet, educated, old fashioned type who insisted on paying for our wedding, even though we had been living "in sin" for 5 years!
> Sadly that paid for his funeral instead.
> My next door neighbour is the same age as he would have been now and I am still so angry at how many years he didn't have to enjoy.



I'll bet. There ARE some fantastic doctors out there, but still too many who arrogantly think they are never in the wrong and if they make a mistake so what? They're insured. P.s. I'm NOT a doctor!


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

I'm so glad you're not a Dr, would probably kick "yer heid in" lol, oops don't know what came over me there!!!!
Yep my current GP is a toff but there are so many that don't give a stuff.
My dad respected and trusted without question, I don't, am I a pain in the ass? So what, I'm still alive!!


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> I'm so glad you're not a Dr, would probably kick "yer heid in" lol, oops don't know what came over me there!!!!
> Yep my current GP is a toff but there are so many that don't give a stuff.
> My dad respected and trusted without question, I don't, am I a pain in the ass? So what, I'm still alive!!



Nope, you should ALWAYS question and challenge a doctor!


----------



## Pat "5mph" (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> My next door neighbour is the same age as he would have been now and I am still so angry at how many years he didn't have to enjoy.


I am aware that lung cancer is what it is, probably my partner would have passed away in the same time frame no matter what, but quite a bit of unnecessary suffering could have been avoided with an earlier diagnosis, also we could have had time to say goodbye when he was still lucid.
Mind, in hindsight I can't say if knowing earlier would have been a blessing or another, worse hell. Still, the GP should have seen the signs.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Thanks, read your original post a while back and just couldn't put things "on paper"
Don't think I've ever gotten over what happened.


----------



## Ern1e (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Yep, even 20+ years on I am so angry, they made a "wee mistake" oops, my dad died.


 Same thing with my mother but that was 43 years ago and still hard to take thinking that maybe if she had been seen earlier then well who knows,it make me feel so sad for both yourself and @Pat "5mph" reading what happened to you both and more so when you do go into the GP's all the signs saying "had a cough for more than ! " see the doctor what a bl**dy laugh.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Pat "5mph" said:


> I am aware that lung cancer is what it is, probably my partner would have passed away in the same time frame no matter what, but quite a bit of unnecessary suffering could have been avoided with an earlier diagnosis, also we could have had time to say goodbye when he was still lucid.
> Mind, in hindsight I can't say if knowing earlier would have been a blessing or another, worse hell. Still, the GP should have seen the signs.



Treatments are improving all the time (esp if detected early), my wife's cancer was detected as soon as possible - final outcome was the same but at least we had that time together, almost 4 years. It's hard not to feel like that when people haven't done their jobs properly, for whatever reason.


----------



## Ern1e (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Thanks, read your original post a while back and just couldn't put things "on paper"
> Don't think I've ever gotten over what happened.


 I honestly don't think you ever do it's just something you seem to have to learn to live with.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Yep, feel happy though my dad visited us in this house and announced Mr M was " a nice wee fella" praise indeed!!
Visited him a week before he died, was never one to show affection but we did a big bear hug and I gave him a wee peck on the cheek, then a wee wave, think we both knew.


----------



## Fubar (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Yep, feel happy though my dad visited us in this house and announced Mr M was " a nice wee fella" praise indeed!!
> Visited him a week before he died, was never one to show affection but we did a big bear hug and I gave him a wee peck on the cheek, then a wee wave, think we both knew.



Biggest regret in my life is not getting to say goodbye to my dad - he collapsed in the street with a massive heart attack. Think about him every single day. Ironic really as we seldom saw eye to eye and he never expressed love (in the standard ways) though you always knew he loved you.


----------



## Mrs M (6 Dec 2014)

Pat "5mph" said:


> It was the same for my partner, GP kept telling him he had a cold for months, while he had terminal lung cancer.
> After months of this we went to the hospital, he could barely walk but drove himself, he died 3 weeks later.
> I hate that doctor's practice so much that can't bear to go near it, even after 11 years.



Sorry you lost your partner, must have been really tough for you at that time and still now even though a few years on.


----------



## Pat "5mph" (6 Dec 2014)

Mrs M said:


> Sorry you lost your partner, must have been really tough for you at that time and still now even though a few years on.


Thanks for your kind words


----------



## Brandane (9 Dec 2014)

Fubar said:


> Biggest regret in my life is not getting to say goodbye to my dad - he collapsed in the street with a massive heart attack. Think about him every single day. Ironic really as we seldom saw eye to eye and he never expressed love (in the standard ways) though you always knew he loved you.


Same here. Never got to say goodbye to either of my parents. 1978 aged 16, I said goodbye to my mother as I set off for Edinburgh airport to fly out and join my first ship. Big adventure for me, joining the merchant navy, and perhaps being so young I was a touch selfish.... I knew my mum had cancer but I fully expected to see her when I returned home 6 months later. I didn't .

Ten years later, just a few days prior to the anniversary of my mothers death, my father collapsed and died from a heart attack while playing golf with friends. If you have to go, I guess that is the way to do it. But at 68 years old and in otherwise good health, he might have hoped for a good few more years.


----------



## arch684 (9 Dec 2014)

My wife died on the 26th of December 2000,she was only 48.As it was christmas the funeral was held on the 2nd of january.THEY brought her home on the 31st of December.I held her hand as the bells rang in the new year.I could hear people outside letting off fireworks and singing auld lang syne.Im sure you will understand why I hate this time of year


----------



## Hicky (9 Dec 2014)

arch684 said:


> My wife died on the 26th of December 2000,she was only 48.As it was christmas the funeral was held on the 2nd of january.THEY brought her home on the 31st of December.I held her hand as the bells rang in the new year.I could hear people outside letting off fireworks and singing auld lang syne.Im sure you will understand why I hate this time of year



I'm not sentimental in anyway shape or form but reading this has really hit me....I can totally understand why you dont like it :-(

For myself a sh*te 12 months hence why I've been absent for a while, my aunt and uncle whom I was very close to when younger I've lost(terminal illness), my grandad whom I was very close to on my birthday last Jan I'd watched him deteriorate over the months(age)....my step dad who has brought me up since I was 5 has liver cancer. He refuses to talk about it and wont have the "C" word said. Much of my own character I can see is from him also alot of my faults. Each time I get a number of missed calls I expect "that" call.....my sons dont kow and I'm dreading the moment I have to tell them.
To top it off I seperated from my wife last Nov after 13 yrs together and as we speak shes moving awayand taking our sons, so I'll see them a lot less, neither of them want to go but hey ho I have to cope(lost 15kg).....what has kept me going is friends keeping me up and out excersizing/doing things...endorphins etc....I've been back on the bike after a 8 month layoff and bought myself a new one.


----------



## Fubar (9 Dec 2014)

Brandane said:


> Same here. Never got to say goodbye to either of my parents. 1978 aged 16, I said goodbye to my mother as I set off for Edinburgh airport to fly out and join my first ship. Big adventure for me, joining the merchant navy, and perhaps being so young I was a touch selfish.... I knew my mum had cancer but I fully expected to see her when I returned home 6 months later. I didn't .
> 
> Ten years later, just a few days prior to the anniversary of my mothers death, my father collapsed and died from a heart attack while playing golf with friends. If you have to go, I guess that is the way to do it. But at 68 years old and in otherwise good health, he might have hoped for a good few more years.



You're right in a way, if you have to go that's probably how most of us would choose rather than a gradual deterioration - doesn't make it any easier though, does it?


----------



## Fubar (9 Dec 2014)

arch684 said:


> My wife died on the 26th of December 2000,she was only 48.As it was christmas the funeral was held on the 2nd of january.THEY brought her home on the 31st of December.I held her hand as the bells rang in the new year.I could hear people outside letting off fireworks and singing auld lang syne.Im sure you will understand why I hate this time of year



Similar to me, my wife died early on 31 December - happily shut the curtains now and hope it all goes away. I never used to understand why my folks hated new year - it was the one time of the year they actively remembered those that have gone, which maybe wasn't a bad thing in hindsight.


----------



## Fubar (9 Dec 2014)

Hicky said:


> I'm not sentimental in anyway shape or form but reading this has really hit me....I can totally understand why you dont like it :-(
> 
> For myself a sh*te 12 months hence why I've been absent for a while, my aunt and uncle whom I was very close to when younger I've lost(terminal illness), my grandad whom I was very close to on my birthday last Jan I'd watched him deteriorate over the months(age)....my step dad who has brought me up since I was 5 has liver cancer. He refuses to talk about it and wont have the "C" word said. Much of my own character I can see is from him also alot of my faults. Each time I get a number of missed calls I expect "that" call.....my sons dont kow and I'm dreading the moment I have to tell them.
> To top it off I seperated from my wife last Nov after 13 yrs together and as we speak shes moving awayand taking our sons, so I'll see them a lot less, neither of them want to go but hey ho I have to cope(lost 15kg).....what has kept me going is friends keeping me up and out excersizing/doing things...endorphins etc....I've been back on the bike after a 8 month layoff and bought myself a new one.



Good to hear you're back on the bike, I imagine a seperation is much like a bereavement - and it sounds like you have had enough of that to cope with so worthwhile having something else to focus on.

Is there a reason you haven't told your sons about your step-dad? It may be better to do it sooner rather than later. Your step-dad will also need to confront his illness too at some point and depending on his prognosis how he would wish to be treated, maybe telling your sons might help him too?? (not making any presumptions, obviously).

All the best, Mark


----------



## Hicky (9 Dec 2014)

PM sent, not detracting from others sharing....


----------

