# Can't we all just be friends?



## Chuffy (18 Oct 2009)

It seems that there is a lot of tetchiness on the forum these days, see the Cheryl Cole thread in Room 101 and it's counterpart in Cafe for recent examples. 

Mostly it seems to be caused by tension between two groups of people. One group who enjoy, say, the easy-going, blokey atmosphere of a rugby club dinner and another group who find the casual sexism and laddish humour, which is all just a laugh _provided you're straight and male_, deeply irritating.

I'll declare an interest. I belong firmly in the latter camp and I'll make no apology for it. However, this scrapping has been getting nastier and more divisive, not to mention giving Admin and the Mods innumerable headaches. I find myself less inclined to take part because I don't have the patience for yet another bruising scrap. On the other hand, nor do I feel justified in letting stuff go by without comment. The inevitable result is that I'll start to withdraw from the forum. This isn't about me though, I'm sure that there are more people on both sides of the argument in the same position.

How are we going to resolve this and stop the unpleasantness? And please, let's see if we can discuss this without the thread being locked or sent to Room 101.

Cheers,
Chuffy


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## Manonabike (18 Oct 2009)

All forums are the same, you always find tension between members.... one has to learn to accept that members are not real friends. I've read a few members here that I would not have as friends.... they appear to be nasty people but I don't let it bother me.... with a bit of luck I remember their nicknames and I don't read what they have to say. What you are asking is impossible!!!


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## Chuffy (18 Oct 2009)

Manonabike said:


> All forums are the same, you always find tension between members.... one has to learn to accept that members are not real friends. I've read a few members here that I would not have as friends.... they appear to be nasty people but I don't let it bother me.... with a bit of luck I remember their nicknames and I don't read what they have to say. *What you are asking is impossible!!!*


You may be right, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try.


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## Keith Oates (18 Oct 2009)

You have a point Chuffy but unfortunately I don't have an answer. It seems that certain people get their kicks in getting others upset, which to me is strange, but the only thing to do is ignore their comments. There are also some that must have the last word and when they don't seem to be able to do that the nasty comments start to flow and when they see they have lost completely the foul language is brought into play. In general the cycling related posts seem to be fairly civilised but the non cycling ones frequently get out of hand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## yenrod (18 Oct 2009)

Heh - man (Chuffy) lets all hug and have some of this (exhales spliff)........


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## MacB (18 Oct 2009)

Chuffy said:


> You may be right, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try.



So, you've found a calling, some missionary work, and you're starting nice and easy. Once you've cleaned up the cycling forums you move on up the scale. Golf, fishing, rugby, motorsports and, for your grand finale, football


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## Fab Foodie (18 Oct 2009)

I didn't realise until now that I'm the blokey Rugby-club type...

I do wonder if people getting up-tight about the Cheryl-Cole thread ought to re-assess what's important. Or maybe I need to. Just seems to me to be a bit of fun-poking about a celebrity (who in this case happens to be female, white, straight, northern, attractive/unattractive (delete as appropriate) and of dubious talent) or am I really missing something more sinister? Is it really that bad? There does seem to be an element here who regard themselves (and who knows, they might be correct) as being undeniably and morally correct and who seem to want to point out to others their miserable failings at every possible opportunity. This rightly or wrongly pisses people off; there is a smug self-satisfaction in those that wish to preach or demonstrate their social perfection. Other options might be to use humour, ignore, or report things they don't like or agree with or find irritating, but many take delight in proving their rightness at every possible opportunity.

Sometimes a little more laissez-faire approach might be appropriate in more cases. Everybody has to be so bloody right all the time.

Maybe I just don't give that much of a shoot.


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## Perfect Virgo (19 Oct 2009)

Fab Foodie said:


> I didn't realise until now that I'm the blokey Rugby-club type...
> 
> I do wonder if people getting up-tight about the Cheryl-Cole thread ought to re-assess what's important. Or maybe I need to. Just seems to me to be a bit of fun-poking about a celebrity (who in this case happens to be female, white, straight, northern, attractive/unattractive (delete as appropriate) and of dubious talent) or am I really missing something more sinister? Is it really that bad? *There does seem to be an element here who regard themselves (and who knows, they might be correct) as being undeniably and morally correct and who seem to want to point out to others their miserable failings at every possible opportunity. This rightly or wrongly pisses people off; there is a smug self-satisfaction in those that wish to preach or demonstrate their social perfection.* Other options might be to use humour, ignore, or report things they don't like or agree with or find irritating, *but many take delight in proving their rightness at every possible opportunity.*
> 
> ...



A spot-on analysis FF, if I may say. Apologies for the selctive highlighting but these are precisely the thoughts that have been going through my mind too. It's not restricted to the Cafe but where genuine know-how advice is being offered too. It makes me think twice before offering advice and I sometimes cancel what I was going to post. Perhaps I'm sensitive but there are certainly some who are brash, insensitive and emphatically, always right.


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## TheDoctor (19 Oct 2009)

It does always seem to be the same few who use the 'only a bit of fun' line as an excuse to be offensive, and the 'PC gawn mad' line when someone pulls them up on it.
And they're usually the first ones to complain when they get some abuse back.


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## Fab Foodie (19 Oct 2009)

Perfect Virgo said:


> A spot-on analysis FF, if I may say. Apologies for the selctive highlighting but these are precisely the thoughts that have been going through my mind too. It's not restricted to the Cafe but where genuine know-how advice is being offered too. It makes me think twice before offering advice and I sometimes cancel what I was going to post. Perhaps I'm sensitive but there are certainly some who are brash, insensitive and emphatically, always right.


Don't you start agreeing with me...


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## Perfect Virgo (19 Oct 2009)

Fab Foodie said:


> Don't you start agreeing with me...



Oh I'm a very agreeable sort!


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## Shaun (19 Oct 2009)

Regardless of forum, one of the simplest ways to deal with things you don't like, feel uncomfortable with, or are offended by, is to report the post.

Click on this symbol -

 - on the left side of the post and put your thoughts / comments in the box provided. This is then sent off to the mods forum where we can discuss it.

We may or may not take action, but at least we're aware of how you are feeling and the content of the thread/post. If lots of posts for a particular individual are reported, then we can review their posting style and talk to them about it.

Equally, if several threads run along a similar theme and cause a number of complaints, then we can talk to the posters about them and try to direct people away from starting similar ones.

It's a difficult thing to get right; everyone has different tollerances.

I'm personally not too happy with a lot of the recent _Nuts_ type threads in Cafe - I don't think it does much to encourage new female members to sign-up. If you want to start threads like that, please do it here: http://www.nuts.co.uk/boards/ 

Equally, some threads are pulled off-track by needless baiting. Report baiters, and try to resist the temptation to respond if you can.

Becoming offeneded on behalf of other people can also lead to tension, and again it is a situation where it may be best to report a post and let me and the mods deal with it rather than get involved in an argument that might cause you upset.

I don't expect everyone to get on all of the time - it's impossible with so many people on the forums, but it would be good if people could say their piece and then leave it at that - agree to disagree - rather than have protracted arguments.

We're actually doing really well, growing nicely, and all have lots of new friends to play with. Let's try to be positive and keep CC as inclusive as we can, and keep the arguments to a minimum where we can.

Cheers,
Shaun


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## zimzum42 (19 Oct 2009)

Chuffy said:


> On the other hand, nor do I feel justified in letting stuff go by without comment.


It's this stance that is going to drive you mad, especially if you follow the same principles out in the real world. You really do have to just let things slide some of the time. Every day I see unpleasantness in the street and hear things which unsettle me, but for my own sanity I've just got to let it pass, especially as in places such as S'pore I'm always going to be on the losing side in an argument in the street.

Fair enough, some days it's a little depressing, but you learn to get over it...

It's even easier in a forum, you can just ignore the thread, when you're stuck in a bus or train and someone's doing something you don't like, there's no escape...

And before someone starts saying I should speak up on the train, well, I'd like to see them take on the large gang of 'yute' that ruined my journey to King's Cross last month, or the crazy window shutting man on the bus in Camberwell, etc etc


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## srw (19 Oct 2009)

Chuffy said:


> It seems that there is a lot of tetchiness on the forum these days, see the Cheryl Cole thread in Room 101 and it's counterpart in Cafe for recent examples.



Come and drop into P&L for a bit - we're really quite pleasant to each other most of the time. Cafe is a bit like the pub in a one-pub town - it's got to cater for every market, from the teenagers out for a surreptitious pint after school, through the lads out on the pull all the way to the family out for lunch.



Admin said:


> Becoming offended on behalf of other people can also lead to tension,



Interesting point that. I think a lot of people get offended by something, but then think that because it wasn't directly pointed at people "like them" they have no right to be offended, so claim offense on behalf of others.


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## rich p (19 Oct 2009)

I started a similar thread a week or two ago which got shunted into 'feedback' where it was seen by very few (as this one will be), locked and drifted into the ether.


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## Fab Foodie (19 Oct 2009)

Perfect Virgo said:


> Oh I'm a very agreeable sort!



You'll not last long around here then


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## Noodley (19 Oct 2009)

rich p said:


> I started a similar thread a week or two ago which got shunted into 'feedback' where it was seen by very few (as this one will be), locked and drifted into the ether.



Well if people posted things in the correct bit of the forum and encouraged others to leave the Cafe for a bit maybe people would see threads! 

Maybe there should be a Poll:
Do you realise you can start a thread outside Cafe which will get a reply?


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## Norm (19 Oct 2009)

Fab Foodie said:


> You'll not last long around here then


Last as agreeable or last as a virgo?


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## Perfect Virgo (19 Oct 2009)

Norm said:


> Last as agreeable or last as a virgo?



More like agreeably perfect! 

By the way, I replied surreptiously in P&L before reaching 1,000 posts. A gamble I know but I think I got away with it!


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## Dayvo (19 Oct 2009)

Perfect Virgo said:


> More like agreeably perfect!
> 
> By the way, I replied surreptiously in P&L before reaching 1,000 posts. A gamble I know but I think I got away with it!



'They' won't let you make that mistake again, PV!


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## ComedyPilot (19 Oct 2009)

I did get a little carried away, didn't I?




[shuffles to door with tail between legs]


Sorry.


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## Perfect Virgo (19 Oct 2009)

Dayvo said:


> 'They' won't let you make that mistake again, PV!



Right Dayvo! I won't push my luck.


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## Zippy (19 Oct 2009)

Oh dear! Are there any more of those pink wafer things in the biskit barrel? I need a tea!


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## snapper_37 (20 Oct 2009)

Just been informed of this thread. 

Chufster I hope you come back soon.   CC is not right without you. 

That's all.


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## Fab Foodie (20 Oct 2009)

snapper_37 said:


> Just been informed of this thread.
> 
> Chufster I hope you come back soon.   CC is not right without you.
> 
> That's all.



Has he flounced off?


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## Shaun (20 Oct 2009)

Fab Foodie said:


> Has he flounced off?



No, he's just taking a breather for a little while.

Cheers,
Shaun


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## Fab Foodie (20 Oct 2009)

Admin said:


> No, he's just taking a breather for a little while.
> 
> Cheers,
> Shaun


Ahhh, bless his little chuffy socks.


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